Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Victor: (monotone) “Ring around the rosie, pocket full of posies, ashes ashes, they’re all dead.”

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Tabitha: “Break was great! We went to a resort…there was the hot tub incident…”

Fish: “I don’t wanna know.”

Tabitha: “It was fun!”

Fish: “I don’t wanna know.”

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Oswald: "Ed, can I use the pickle jar to-"

Edward: (sprays him in the face with Windex)

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Jerome: (rollerskates into the room)

Barbara: "...How did you get up the stairs?"

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Jervis: “What happened?”

Oswald: (soaked pants, holding a drink tray) “JEROME SLAMMED ON THE FUCKING BRAKES!”

Oswald: “I need new pants.”

Jervis: “It’s fine!”

Oswald: “IT’S IN MY UNDERWEAR!”

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Victor: "She listened to us? I didn't know she could do that."

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Victor: "Why is the cord so long???"

Sophia: (plugging in her straightener) "So you can plug it into the wall."

Victor: "And straighten your hair three miles away from the bathroom?"

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Johnathon: "Chemical warfare!"

Jervis: "Hey now."

Johnathon: "What?"

Jervis: "Remember the Geneva Convention."

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Harvey: "You look like mayonnaise."

Edward: "Now that was uncalled for."

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Jeremiah: "Jerome is such a disappointment. We should put him out on the lawn like a couch we don't want anymore."

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Jerome: "We have this container in the back of the fridge in the kitchen, it’s been there for years and Jervis says it’s ice cream…but it’s been in there for so long that we aren’t really sure but we’re too scared to open it."

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Edward: "If it weren't for all these doctor appointments, I wouldn't have a social life."
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Oswald: "I wonder where I am on the Scoliosis Rizz Scale."

Butch: "Zero."

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Selena: (about the Wicked Witch of the West) "She's a baddie!"

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Tabitha: (texts Barbara telling her she gets to sing baritone)

Barbara: (sends an audio clip of herself screaming)

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Oswald: "My favorite candy is Smarties."

Fish: "What are you? Eighty?"

Chapter Text

Bruce: "I will do my absolute best."

Alfred: "That is a gigantic lie."

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Victor: "There were no witnesses except for the people who snitched on me."

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Jim: "For I cannot woe the sorrow inside my heart."

Harvey: "That sounds like a you problem."

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Oswald: "Imagine being ginger willingly."

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Sophia: (about Oswald) "Is he single?"

Jim: "WHAT."

Sophia: "What? I like the way he dances."

Jim: "He's shorter than me."

Sophia: "Oh. Ew."

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Jeremiah: "Get orphaned."

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Victor: (moves to throw a marker at Edward)

Oswald: "Please don't use up his one act of athleticism for today."

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Oswald: “Will you…”

Edward: (quietly) “No…”

Oswald: “Marry me…”

Edward: (quietly) “No…”

Oswald: “Pleeease???”

Edward: (slowly closes ring box) “No.”

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Barbara: "I'll send you guys the feet pic."

Jerome: "FOR FREE?"

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Victor: (points at Oswald) "My job is to save him! Was he in the fire? I don't think so!"

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Bruce: "You forgot me!"

Victor: "And I'd do it again!"

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Jim: "That's practically breaking the law!"

Jeremiah: "Do you want to see a broken law? Because I'm about to break another!"

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Edward: "Who's the one with a job in this house?"

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Bruce: "Alfred is color blind."

Jerome: "L imagine not being able to tell red from green."

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Oswald: "Where's the dream of OUR MARRIAGE?!"

Edward: "IT'S GONE WITH THE STONEMASONS!"

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Martin: "Is dad in trouble?"

Oswald: "Of course not, Sweetie!" (looks at Edward and violently clears his throat)

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Alfred: "Do your best, don't be a twat."

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Barbara: "I guess I'm miscarrying the next coming of Christ."

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Barbara: "Good boys don't exist."

Oswald: "Mr. Rogers was a good boy."

Barbara: "He was a good man."

Jerome: "That implies that he was a terrible child."

Oswald: "He had a redemption arc."

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Oswald: (waves blank divorce papers in Edward's face)

Chapter Text

Victor: (King Julien voice) "I like to move it move it down the Trail of Tears."

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Selina: "Of course it's old world! Jesus rode on a donkey."

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(After an incident in which Jerome "this little piggy"-ed Jervis's toes)

Jonathon: "We've nicknamed him The Dogcatcher."

Oswald: "Now whenever he walks into a room, we yell, 'The Dogcatcher is here! Run!'"

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Bruce: "That's blackmail."

Jeremiah: "It isn't blackmail, Bruce."

Bruce: "I'm pretty sure that's blackmail."

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Alfred: "Okay, you've proven you can sound out words. We'd like to finish sometime this century."

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Victor: "I think we could get rid of Ireland. I don't think Ireland is contributing to our world experience."

Butch: "Calm down, little German boy."

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Jerome: (reading Christopher Columbus's journal in the voice of King Julien)

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Jerome: "I think there's a Pokemon gym at the crucifixtion of Christ."

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Edward: "I once stayed up for 2 days just because I could."

Barbara: "I feel like Ed's bionic. He is not one of us."

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Harvey: "That's gay."

Jeremiah: "I highly doubt that was a homosexual action."

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Tabitha: "I'm never watching anything you recommend again."

Ivy: "Wha- oh yeah. I told you to watch Your Name."

Tabitha: "YEAH. I had a DREAM that you and Lee switched bodies. Then you, in Lee's body, took over the world."

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Bruce: "Motherfu-fricker-trucker."

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Jim: "Don't worry, you guys are going to Socially Emotionally Learn today."

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Jervis: "I can't believe I have to be Italian for one of them."

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Edward: "My Bluetooth keeps cutting out. Here, hold this up."

Edward: (makes Oswald hold his phone in the air so his music stays connected)

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Barbara: "Like, Godzilla is the size of a city!"

Jerome: "You know what else is the size of a city?"

Jonathon: "Jerome no Jerome no Jerome no Jerome no."

Jerome: (cry-laughing so hard he can't even get the sentence out. He pulls up his drawing app and just writes YOUR BOOBS)

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Selina: "What's our policy if you get caught vaping? Like if you catch me vaping, what happens?"

Alfred: "I punch you in the throat."

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Jerome: (loudly) "Jervis stop licking my weenus!"

Jeremiah: "You said that so loud."

Jerome: "The weenus is the skin on your-"

Jeremiah: "I KNOW WHAT A WEENUS IS!"

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Oswald: "We went to a horror house."

Sophia: "A what?"

Oswald: "A HAUNTED HOUSE. HAUNTED HOUSE."

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Harvey: "I say, that if you're on a hit list, we all lay down and you stand up."

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Jonathon: "Was that good?"

Jervis: "...More Canadian."

Jonathon: "Uh. Okay."

Jonathon: (walks back onstage) "Oop. Sorry, 'scuse me. Hey, I was eating pancakes with syrup in the snow with a moose-"

Jerome: (losing his shit laughing)

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Jim: "Can someone work the timer?"

Oswald: (starts to stand)

Lee: "I got it." (goes to start the timer)

Edward: (whispers to Oswald) "She got up faster than you because you're crippled."

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Oswald: "Can you get me a paper?"

Edward: "I guess, since you're disabled."

Chapter Text

Butch: "Keep rizzing up the chat, I don't mind."

Jervis: "Jerome, you heard the man. Keep rizzing."

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Victor: "That was a common thing back then."

Jerome: "To kill gingers?"

Victor: "You should be fearful."

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Selena: "I don't know. You have a bad haircut."

Jeremiah: "And you don't?"

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Selena: "Jerome."

Jeremiah: "That's offensive."

Selena: "I'm sorry. What's your name?"

Jeremiah: "I'm not telling you. You don't deserve to know it now."

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Harvey: "He wants to know if there are free refills."

Edward: "There are if he makes them himself."

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Jerome: "We have sexy men."

Oswald: "Well that changes a lot of things. We'll give you our Buddhism."

Jervis: "Why are you giving him our Buddhism?"

Oswald: "He's got men. I want me some of that."

(hysterical laughter from Oswald, Jerome, and Jervis)

(Johnathon continues to sleep through everything)

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Jerome: "Wait, was it called a Dark Era because it was the first time Africa had power?"

(awkward silence)

Jerome: "WAIT NO I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT-"

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Edward: "You almost broke my back more."

Butch: "Please don't say it like that."

Jerome: (hysterical laughter)

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Johnathon: "Oswald, are you the evil vampire from Sesame Street?"

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Oswald: "I don't know what's going on, but it was probably my fault."

Jim: "Press this metal to his forehead, I bet it'll burn."

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Jim: "Because Oswald Cobblepot is evil!"

Edward: "No he is not!"

Harvey: "Oswald, is this true?"

Oswald: "Yeah. I've dedicated my life to villainy. Ever since I found that curve in my spine..."

Harvey: "He snapped."

Oswald: "Literally."

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Fish: "I was concerned! You said you ate a whole pie."

Oswald: "I was going through something!"

Fish: "Yeah, the pie!"

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Jeremiah: "I also might be allergic to cats, so don't put cats in anything."

Jerome: "So no Chinese food."

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Sofia: "Can I have a donut?"

Victor: "I don't know, CAN you?"

Selena: "Victor, may I have a donut, please?"

Victor: "Just because I said no to her doesn't mean I'll say yes to you."

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Harvey: "Did you know that if you die in Iowa you respawn at a Casey's General Store?"

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Barbara: "Tabitha's eating weird fruit again!"

Edward: "Barbara stop eating weird fruit! This is how we got kicked out of the Garden of Eden!"

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Bruce: "Alfred are you saying I'm attracted to noses?"

Chapter Text

Tabitha: "Barbara are you gatekeeping Romanticism?"
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Harvey: "Prom season is here, all the girls are turning orange."
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Edward: "I'm not a long distance runner."

Jim: "TEN MINUTES ISN'T LONG DISTANCE."
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Butch: "I could make it as a gay guy."
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Oswald: "Do you want me to tuck you in, Edward? Whisper good things in your ear?"

Barbara: "What?"
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Jervis: "He doesn't have a soul!"

Jonathan: (defensive) "Yes I do!"
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Jeremiah: "Have you ever had a zucchini muffin? Fucking delightful."
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Bruce: "Have you ever seen Batman and I in the same room? Exactly."
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Jerome: "Maybe the real strip club was the friends we made along the way."
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Jeremiah: "You know, one of those--" (makes the gayest sweeping motion ever)
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Lee: "I'll just use the urinal."
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Jervis: "It's reverse gender norms."
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Oswald: (touching elbows with Edward) "CAN YOU FEEL THE TRUST?"
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Jonathon: "I drink Windex every Friday."
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Jerome: (dying coughing)

Barbara: "Is the glitter catching up to you?"
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Butch: "Just because you serve it at breakfast doesn't make it breakfast pizza."
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Jim: "Some parts of your body don't need to see the sun."
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Harvey: "Victor is a fruity instigator!"
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Oswald: (about Edward's Riddler outfit) "This is an intervention. You look stupid."
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Jerome: (using chewed gun to make a mini army of gorillas)
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Bruce: "REAL poor people don't have a table."
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Jervis: "He sells cocks for a living."
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Jeremiah: "But Jerome spelled 'women' wrong TEN DIFFERENT TIMES--"
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Selena: "Dear Heavenly Father, please rain so I don't have to run the mile."
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Jervis: "Once I start selling my feet, it's over for you."

Jerome: "God knew if I could sell my feet I'd be too powerful."
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Ivy: "I'd make a good treasurer."

Victor: "I heard you're broke."
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Tabitha: "Did you just call me a whore?"
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Jerome: (slow typing) "How to...sell... feet."
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Harvey: (to Oswald) "I'll break your fingers."

Jim: "Don't! Then he can't be a hand model for Bourbon."
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Barbara: "What's stopping me from starting an OnlyFans?"
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Butch: (about Edward and Oswald screaming at each other) "Let's not do the dress rehearsal for your marriage."
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Ivy: "Put your nipples away."
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Jonathon: "That's racist, Jeremiah."

Jeremiah: "They're only French people."
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Oswald: "I want to be burned at the stake for witchcraft."

Tabitha: "You'd be burned at the stake for being gay."
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Ivy: "You can have Jesus, but you can't have my croissant!"
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Albert: "Who was Albert Einstein?"

Bruce: "Didn't he invent electricity? No... that was Ben Franklin."
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Jim: "Did you just womp womp me?"
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Ivy: "I am a witch."

Oswald: "Because you placed a curse on Harvey Bullock's bloodline?"

Chapter Text

Ivy: "If I have one more sippy sip there's gonna be a slippy slip down my leg."
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Jim: "There's a hot springs, zoo, and political corruption."
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Victor: “Straight from church to a nightclub. Like a real Russian.”
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Edward: "Have the gulag bury you."

Lucius: "Edward keeping things historically accurate."
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Oswald: “Harvey’s gonna praise God and then drink about it.”
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Jonathon: "We have a very different idea of fun."

Jerome: “Jonathon’s at the bar, I’m in the gulag.”
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Victor: (in a baby voice) “Aw, does someone want to go to the bathroom?”
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Oswald: "Did it hurt?"

Edward: "No, not much--"

Osswald: "When you fell from Heaven?"
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Alfred: "Is that a phone, Master Bruce?"

Bruce: “No. I would never.” (loud thunk in the trash can, where the phone proceeds to stay for the rest of class)
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Lee: (to Ivy) "I never would’ve guessed, Little Miss Ketchup Sandwich.”
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Oswald: “Do you want arrested for treason?”
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Jeremiah: “White’s always right–oh that sounds…”
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Victor: (sitting with Oswald, Edward, and Jerome) “The AuDHD at this table is off the charts. Phenomenal.”
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Tabitha: (talking about how she can't have fruit or cookies because she's "allergic to natural sugars") (A/N: she is not she's just one of THOSE attention seekers)

Butch: "Okay, Gypsy Rose Blanchard."
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Barbara: "Don't go with Galavan to the party, it's self-harm."
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Edward: "Do you want me to snort a line of cocaine to get the job done?"

Oswald: "If it gets the job done."
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Jervis: "Oswald Cobblepot has been telling people you're divorced."

Jerome: “We’re still married!”

Jervis: “Well your fake husband is telling people you got a fake divorce.”

Jerome: “What if he’s fake cheating on me?!”
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Victor: “During the women’s rights movement, Abraham Lincoln freed women from the kitchen.”
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Lee: “This is supposed to be a safe environment.”

Barbara: “Not for fat people.”

Chapter Text

Jim: “Communists sacrifice individuality for the whole.”

Bruce: “They’re like K-Pop stars.”
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Alfred: (gesturing to a pile of fruit) “They’re pretty quiet right now, but if they start talking let me know. We can get you help.”
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Victor: “Galavan was made of salt and vinegar and everything sinister.”
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Barbara: “Behave yourself.”

Ivy: “Did you just say ‘go hang yourself’?!”
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Oswald: “HOW AM I RIGGING YOU’RE THE ONE DEALING THE CARDS?!”
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Jerome: “Jervis' saving up sneeze points.”

Jervis: “Brother eughhhh.”

Jerome: “Saving up for a big release later.”

Jervis: “I’m going to beat the shit out of you.”
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Victor: “It’s worth 1000 social credit.”

Oswald: “I don’t need social credit.”

Victor: “In China?”

Oswald: “IN CHINA?”
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Harvey: “A couple years ago, there was a concern that the furries were gonna take over.”
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Johnathan: “You take one edible and you’re gonna end up in the Dakotas.”
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Harvey: (about his social security card) “You’re not supposed to have that on you.”

Victor: “You know what else I’m not supposed to have on me? Firearms.”
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Jerome: “Hi, Baghead!”

Johnathan: (pats him on the head)

Jerome: “:( that wasn’t very nice.”
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Edward: “I’m in your dad’s DMs.”

Oswald: “Well you need to get out.”
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Selena: “I’ll buy 30 rats, and for legal reasons, not release them as a senior prank in a small town high school.”
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Jim: “You keep saying ‘one more block’, we’ve been walking for three miles.”
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Barbara: “The ant is our other kitchen member.”

Edward: “Better than Sophia.”
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Tabitha: “One more word and I’ll shove this ruler up your nose.”
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Bruce: “It’s a shade of orange!”

Ivy: “What shade?”

Bruce: “...Sunburst yellow.”
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Jeremiah: “He has a wife and kids. What do you mean ‘he’s traveling’?”

Jervis: “He’s casting away.”
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Jerome: “To be fair, Jim, do I ever stop talking?”

Oswald: “Maybe if we put a sock in your mouth.”

Johnathan: “Do not gag Jerome.”
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Bruce: (reminiscing about Harvey) “We’re all like eggs. Hard and bald. And then he’d show us a picture of a carrot.”
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Ivy: (wrapping tape around her waist) “I need to be snatched.”
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Jervis: “Sunkist? What happened to Dr.Pepper?”

Jeremiah: “I am two weeks sober.”
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Harvey: “Jokes on you, I love America every day.”
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Bruce: “You’re allowed to taste the donut, that is an option.”
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Alfred: “I’m not giving you guys sound bytes to do weird things to me.”
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Jervis: (solemn) “Just a man looking for a lighthouse to keep.”
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Butch: “During the Women’s Rights Movement, Abraham Lincoln freed women from the kitchen.”
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Jeremiah: (on never reading Harry Potter) “I have no clue what happens if it wasn’t in the movie.”

Victor: “He doesn’t know who Peeves is!”

Oswald: (reading) “Shoot!”

Jeremiah: “Oswald’s really upset by this.”

Oswald: “I actually couldn’t care less.”
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Jerome: (in a singsong voice) “I have ✨Pinworms✨”

Bruce: “pinworms?”

Jerome: “No no, you said it wrong, it's ✨💕🥰Pinworms💕✨🌺”
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Galavan: “I thought it was funny-”

Barbara: “Those aren’t funny shapes, Grandpa, that's a language.”
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Johnathan: “He’s always getting sand everywhere.”

Edward: “You can talk??”

Jervis: “You never asked. Johnathan is very conversational.”
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Johnathan: (inhuman screeching)

Jervis: “Johnathan, you can’t say that!”

Jerome: “That’s insensitive.”

Victor: “That’s racist, Johnathan!”
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Oswald: “His head is bulbous!”

Edward: “So is yours, but I don’t point it out every day.”

Oswald: “He has no hair!”

Edward: “BALD PEOPLE EXIST OZZIE.”
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Jerome: “You’ve got some shlarpnaps.”

Harvey: “What the fu– what is a schlarpnap?”
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Sophia: “Have you ever thought about dining and dashing?”

Oswald: “Yes. I’m breaking up with you.”
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Victor: “Would you like the Italian sauce? It’s a sauce from Italy, and it is real.”

Butch: “What’s in it?”

Victor: “Ground up Italian tomatoes, and a pinch of salt.”

Butch: “That’s it?”

Victor: “yeah.”
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Jerome: “The flags are edible!”

Oswald: (puts it in his mouth, disgusted)

Jerome: “I lied! I am such a jokester!”
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Jim: “Just to be hypothetical, what do you think money laundering is?”

Jervis: “It’s where you put the cows in the laundry and they come out all nice with sweaters. Then you pay us.”

Jim: “WHERE ARE THE COWS COMING FROM?!”

Jervis: “THE FARM.”
---

Jim: “Money laundering is a serious issue!”

Jervis: “Like those things you wipe your nose with. I don’t use those!”

Jerome: “I use my arms, yeah!”

(COLLECTIVE DISGUSTINGLY LOUD NOSE WIPING)
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Alfred: “I had some questions about your government–”

Jeremiah: “WE’RE NOT CRABS!”
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Victor: “We’ll give you a sexy fishing boat.”
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Oswald: “Well… after we profit from our fishing boat… we’ll give you…”

Victor: “MORE.”

Oswald: “TIMES TEN!”

Victor: “MORE TIMES TEN!”
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Sophia: “I wonder how that happened, my money must’ve been clouding my vision.”
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Sophia: “Come in. I’d open the door, but I have too much money.”
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Oswald: “I’m dyslexic.”

Harvey: “That’s a digital clock.”

Oswald: “Are you making fun of my dyslexia?”

Harvey: “Yes.”
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Bruce: “I’d like an order of kids dino nuggets please. Only two nuggets.”
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Jeremiah: (shaking with anger) “JOYOUS, Saint Nicholas?” Is it joyous to come home everyday with those little red peppermints stuck in your beard and mustache? Joyous to spend hours picking them out? Is that JOYOUS, SAINT NICHOLAS?!”

Jonathan: “Well if you don’t like the red ones they make green ones, too.”

Jeremiah: “THOSE ARE EVEN WORSE.”
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Barbara: “Was that even hair dye?”

Jervis: “Well…it might have been cement.”

Barbara: (dies inside)

Jerome: “You know, we do have a sale on buzzcuts.”
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Jervis: “Can you tilt your head back?” (breaks Barbara's head over the back of the chair)
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Oswald: “You’ve been gone for weeks!”

Edward: “It’s been three hours.”

Chapter Text

Harvey: “How many years have you worked here?”

Edward: “Roughly 50.”

Harvey: “And yet you screwed up the easiest job possible and now there are couches outside the fire escape! And you worked here for how many years?”

Edward: “Roughly 60.”

Jim: “I don’t think I want this job. This seems hard.”

Harvey: “No, no. Edward’s just having old age issues.”

Edward: “I’m 23!”

Harvey: “50-60?! Edward you’re crazy!”
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Bruce: (undercover) “My name is Jeremiah, master of cryptozoology you will not address me as Who Are You!”

Jonathan: (head down) “Come here so I can see your shoes! That’s how I identify people!”
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Butch: “Because you worship the ground he walks on! Every morning–” (high-pitched voice) “Master! Master! Can I get you a glass of water? Master!”
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Jervis: (even more obnoxious French accent) “HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE WEDDING PERSON! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE WEDDING PERSON!”
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Jerome: “I’m sorry my feet need to express themselves!”
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Oswald: “No shit you’re not beating the insomnia allegations. Mf 1am.”
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Jerome: “I’m going to go back to poking my fluid.”

Jonathan: “THAT WILL MAKE IR WORS”
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Jerome: “Yes I am birthing rn. I’m in labor chat hang on. Oh my God it’s Shadow the Hedgehog.”
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Victor: "Cock and ball torture.”

Jim: “WOAH THERE BUSTER.”
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Victor: “Goodnight chatthew.”

Oswald: “no”

Victor: “I’m going to touch you.”
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Oswald: “And I was like… someone's birthday is soon, I feel it in my cunt. And I somehow assumed–”

Butch: “WHAT.”

Oswald: “It was you and NOT ME–”

Butch: “IN YOUR WHAT.”

Oswald: “Pussy feels, ya’know. I felt it.”

Butch: “I–”

Oswald: “Not like in a weird way.”

Butch: “YOU–”

Oswald: “I felt it deep within me.”

Butch: “WHAT???”
---

Jerome: “I can summon him.”

Jerome: “PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS DICK DICK BALLS PENIS PENIS PENIS.”

Edward: (appearing out of nowhere) “Penis?”

Jerome: “GOT HIM.”
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Tabitha: “I have a clipboard.”

Barbara: “I have depression.”
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Alfred: "She tripped and fell into a pile of homosexuality."
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Jervis: "I'll take your jewels."

Jeremiah: "Go die."

Jervis: "I could, but I'd rather have your jewels."
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Bruce: "So you value possessions over your children? Is that what you're saying, huh?"

Alfred: "Well I've told you that the board game table matters more than all of you, and I will stand by that."
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Selena: (to Jim) "You're a folding chair adult."
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Barbara: (about Jerome) "Oh, I'll help him. He's illiterate when it comes to things with his eyes."
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Victor: "You take the plastic bag, you put it over the baby's head, and you put it in the suitcase. Do you need me to demonstrate?"
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Edward: (to Martin, about Oswald) "I love women. I love your mom. I lesbian your mom."
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Selena: “I think you've gotten more skinny!”

Ivy: “I think she's adopted!”
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Jerome: “It's like the ghost of Christmas past except it's Summer and he's a dog.”
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Jervis: “Not Odysse-you. Not Odysse-me. Odysse-us.”
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Bruce: "Peace out home slices. Bro dogs. Murderers. Things of the sort."
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Edward: (to Butch) “There are garden gnomes smarter than you.”
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Jerome: “I’m just in a silly, quirky mood, babes.”
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Tabitha: “Oh I’m not smelling men.”
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Victor: (monotone) “Give me your balls, Son.”
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Ivy: “They’re chrysanthemums.”

Bruce: (long pause) “That’s a big word for Elmo.”
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Victor: “Cars 2 is the spy one, Cars 3 is the one with the really fast black dude.”

Oswald: “You literally could’ve just said car.”
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Oswald: “I was going to adopt him but he was useless.”
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Jeremiah: “Jervis, would you like me to tell everyone what you said to me over the Xbox at exactly 2:45 am?”

Jervis: “I’d rather you not.”
---

Selena: “Because Shrek doesn’t WANT to be a father!”
---

Jervis: “The life lesson is: if you smoke enough weed, you turn into a butterfly.”
---

Victor: “I don’t know why you’re laughing, Harvey. This is a meeting of the Big Dicks Council.”
---

Jerome: “Rolls into your DMs like ooga booga.”

Jeremiah: “Begone with you, Computer Breaker.”
---

Jim: “I have a question…”

Jim: “Who the FUCK is keeping BEYBLADES in the LOCKER ROOM?”
---

Jerome: (whispers into microphone) “Penis.”
---

Bruce: “Father.”

Alfred: “Big L.”
---

Jervis: “That fish could go wherever he wanted. Commit whatever crimes he so desires.”
---

Edward: (says hello in Hawaiian)

Harvey: (pained sigh) “I.. I don’t speak Mexican.”
---

Jim: “To whoever left the slushie cup full of ice balanced in the freezer so it fell on my face when I opened the door: fuck you.”
---

Oswald: “I was puking into a chip bag while Victor sat next to me and ATE CHEETOS.”
---

Bruce: “Geez, Alfred, did you sneeze loud enough?”
---

Sophia: “Are you okay?”

Oswald: “No. Kill me.”
---

Selena: (walks into the room)

Bruce: “--and they’re like, ‘Surprise! It’s your grandpa Hitler!’”

Ivy: “Hi, Selena.”

Selena: “HI???”
---

Harvey: “Nygma, do you shower with your socks on?”

Edward: “My feet get cold.”
---

Jerome: (draws penis on a sticky note)

Jeremiah: “What are you drawing?”

Jerome: “A…cat.”

Barbara: (dying) “Show Jeremiah your cat.”

Jerome: (speedruns drawing a cat on a separate note)

Jervis: “Draw a black cat.”

Jerome: (anger)
---

Jim: “Edward, is that a My Little Pony screensaver?”

Edward: (hastily closes laptop) “No.”
---

Oswald: “I’ve already committed every sin in the Bible.”

Victor: “Did you watch Naruto?”
---

Harvey: (locks Jim’s phone in the vending machine)

Jim: (angrily inserting quarters)
---

Tabitha: “Where did early humans come from?”

Jerome: (confidently) “Coochie.”
---

Jervis: “Sorry, I dissociated into Jesus’ eyes.”
---

Harvey: "What's about the other place, shitville?"
---

Edward: "1760 of me have been burnt."
---

Jerome: "Rest in piss."

...

Jerome: "REST IN PEACE. I MEANT REST IN PEACE."
---

Butch: "I moved 17 flatscreens off a truck."

Jervis: "What were 12 of Vox doing on a truck?"
---

Victor: (to Oswald) “You should be able to soak up water like a sponge.”

Harvey: “Is that what that is back there? A camel hump?”
---

Jonathan: “Are you living by your core values?"

Jerome: “Yes. By being sigma.”
---

Jervis: “They keep coming in my house through the crack of the door.”

Jim: “That sounds extremely crazy out of context.”

Edward: “They’re in my house! They’re coming through the cracks in the door!”

Jervis: “I’VE BEEN VACUUMING THEM OFF THE WALLS FOR THIRTY MINUTES!”
---

Jim: “When Biden gets off the plane, what does the military do?”

Harvey: “Make sure he doesn’t fall.”
---

Jerome: “If you’re a woman over 5’6” you can get it.”

Jeremiah: “JEROME.”

Oswald: “YOU GAVE HIM THE FLOOR.”
---

Selena: (about Trump’s granddaughter) “OH MY GOD SHE IS HOT. I’m going to marry into the Trump family.”
---

Victor: “You get to go to a certain island.”
---

Barbara: “Imagine if Jonathan turned out to be right the whole time.”
---

Edward: “Jeremiah’s gonna disappear one day.”
---

Victor: (aggressively lotioning) “It puts the lotion on its skin.”
---

Edward: “I look like a skinwalker.”

Jerome: “No, you look disabled.”
---

Selena: “Alfred, if you got pregnant RIGHT NOW, what would you do?”

Alfred: “I’d probably make a lot of money.”
---

Barbara: “How many living babies do you usually eat?”

Victor: “I had to cut back due to the housing crisis.”
---

Jerome: (using the tea kettle as a mouth) “Wawawawawa.” (silently puts it down) “Guys I think I need to be put on Adderall.”
---

Oswald: “How many feet have you smelled today?”

Jeremiah: (screams)
---

Jervis: “Silence, wench.”
---

Edward: “I was out at 8am.”

Oswald: “Why?”

Edward: “I wanted gummy worms.”
---

Jerome: “What up, Shortstack?”

Oswald: “That’s not what your mom said last night.”

Edward: “OH MY GOD.”

Chapter Text

Ivy: “If I mess up my song, I need all of you to storm the stage and kill me.”
____

Lee: “You want to put me on a charter bus and send me on an expedition? Hell no!"
____

Barbara: “They had to scissor to protect themselves from Pompeii.”
____

Oswald: “Elaborate, my autism has struck me down like the plague.”
____

Jerome: “Category Five penis event.”

Edward: “Get your penis out of the narrative.”
____

Jeremiah: “You haven’t finished yet you freaking buffoon?”
____

Jerome: “God’s not the one telling me to pay my taxes.”

Jim: “‘Give what is owed to the seizure’. He said pay your taxes.”
____

Harvey: “Not the Gulag! Haven’t I taught you anything?”
____

Victor: “Are you threatening me like a great ape?”
____

Jerome: (to Jervis) “You got the Lorax eyebrows.”
____

Bruce: “Target sounds dangerous for children.”

Edward: “I got lost 20 times when I was little.”

Bruce: “You counted?”
____

Jervis: (smells watch) “Smells possibly expensive.”

Jonathan: “It’s steel.”

Jervis: “Smells moderately expensive.”
____

Jerome: “It’s got penguins, it’s got polar bears, it’s got snowmen, it’s got ~snowflake~.”
____

Ivy: “Heyyy my paintbrush was down my pants!”

Oswald: (half-asleep) “WHAT?”
____

Harvey: “Nipples are ok I guess.”
____

Oswald: “Zsasz, no one asked for your criticism today.”
____

Edward: “Test subject 69 you are late for your pummeling. We will have to euthanize you.”
____

Jervis: “I’m having an orgy of emotions right now.”

Jonathon: “Do you need to go to the bathroom again?”
____

Jerome: “I peed at 1:15 and now I have to pee again.”

Oswald: “What am I supposed to do with this information?”
____

Barbara: “Vote, you stupid butch!”
____

Victor: “Jerome, can I take a picture of your earrings? I want to show this to my friend who I torment with Lord Farquaad.”
____

Victor: “For school shooting purposes, this is a joke.”
____

Sophia: “My pussy is like the circle of life.”
____

Harvey: “Yeah well you sounded like a horse getting fisted.”

Edward: “Is that a bad thing?”

Harvey: “Well you tell me!”

Edward: “I believe horses should be free to explore whatever kinks they may have.”
____

Oswald: “Autism schedule includes making out with my partner.”
____

Jeremiah: “I think you’re colorblind.”

Jerome: “They would’ve told me that when I took the driver’s test.”

Jeremiah: “YOU FAILED THE DRIVER’S TEST.”
____

Butch: “Is your husband even real?”

Oswald: “Choose your next words carefully, Mr. Gilzean.”

Butch: “It’s just… I’ve never met your fiancé–”

Oswald: “I have a criminal record, Mr. Gilzean and I’m not afraid to make it longer.”
____

Edward: “How many specks of dust are in the third crack in the floor to the left?”

Jervis: “How would I–”

Edward: “22.”
____

Jim: “You're a suspect for murder. We caught you on CCTV, you left your hair at the crime scene, and you posted about it on social media.”

Jerome: “Allegedly.”
____

Jonathon: (looks dead into Jervis’ eyes) “This is for you.”

Jervis: “You don’t have to do this, Jonathon. We still have a lot of interviews.”

Jonathon: (drinks wine, chokes on poison and slumps over dead)
____

Jervis: “I’ve never poisoned anybody, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Victor: “You’re shaking suspiciously.”

Jervis: “Are you the cops? The FBI? WHO ARE YOU REALLY?”
____

Jerome: “I was trying to do a kickflip. Except there were nails on the bottom of the skateboard, and when I tried to do a kickflip the board ping-ponged off the opposite building, hit me in the forehead, and I fell down twenty flights of stairs.”

Barbara: “The McDonald’s is in the middle of the PLAINS where did the stairs come from?”

Jerome: “I didn’t see them. They were hidden in the corn.”
____

Harvey: (out of absolute nowhere) “My father died in a minefield.”
____

Jervis: “I need you to build a goldfish.”
____

Jim: “Am I Green Lantern?”

Jerome: “The most useless superhero ever? Yeah.”
____

Ivy: “How does it look?”

Bruce: “Not like a worm.”
____

Selena: “Physics was made in sin. That and wet socks.”
____

Bruce: (comparing hand sizes with Alfred) “Well that’s not applicable because you’re a grown ass man.”
____

Edward: “Something something Al Gore.”

Jervis: “Your mic is on.”
____

Harvey: “That’s the color of a Socialist’s pelt.”
____

Jerome: “Bold of you to assume I wouldn’t fuck a swarm of bees.”
____

Oswald: “Josh Huah Queer on That Thang. I hate myself.”

(Edward pinned a message)

Oswald: “EDWARD YOU BASTARD!”
____

Victor: (to Jim) “I’m gonna throw a brick at you someday and it’ll be funny as fuck.”
____

Oswald: (to Edward) “Love you, taking a brief np. Need you to k4r44_& in k4rb:&&6 thenow- therf4i wrn”

Edward: ????
____

Alfred: "Bruce, do it for your REAL partner. Jeremiah."

Jim: "Do it for your gay boyfriend. 🥺 "

Jerome: "And they were roommates."

Selena: "They don't live together."

Jeremiah: "I live under his bed."

Alfred: "Can confirm--Bruce's room is dirty enough."
____

Jerome: "If I get one more Blockblast ad, I'm going to Blockblast my brains out."
____

(sleep deprived)

Edward: “Olive Garden. It needs more sauce.”

Oswald: ?

Edward: “Fiend.”

Edward: “Oliveville whopper nuggit.”

Oswald: “Did you get stoned again, you silly goose?”

Edward: “With bob style hiney barbycue.”

Edward: “Pick it up for me ok.”

Edward: “Fiend.”

Oswald: “what”

Edward: “freeje jry”

~~~LATER~~~

Edward: “I got so mad I forcefully woke myself up because Homelander interrupted my trip to Olive Garden.”