Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It all starts to go sideways when one Betty Cooper slides up to Jughead in the cramped booth at Pop Tates. 

He's just trying to enjoy his rather tall stack of burgers and not getting interrupted. 

She's all cheerful nerves and flitting eyes, normal for Betty Cooper. But what wasn't normal was how she was looking at him directly in the eyes, so intently, like he was an animal on display at the zoo exhibiting particularly interesting behaviors. 

He didn't like it. Not one bit. 

"So…Jughead. The Valentine's dance is this Friday?" Betty said like it was a question when it was more of a general statement. 

"Yeah? It is." Jughead answered with a frown. 

"Well… I was wondering, um, if you'd go with me to it." she asked like it was a statement when really it was more of a vague question.

The burger in his mouth started to taste like ash. Never a good sign.

"Um…" Jughead paused. 

And he doesn't know what to say. 

Really.

"Can I get back to you on that, in say 3 to 5 business days, to process this?" he said as he gulped down the tasteless burger. Gross.

She laughed like it's a joke and looked at him, eagerly expecting an answer he doesn't have yet.

"It's in a couple days, so I don't think I've got that much time to wait on your response. Sort of an urgent matter." Betty joked back. 

But he did mean it; he wasn't joking. He really doesn't know what to think about this. 

"Ah, right. Well…uh." he trailed off. 

He's never liked Betty that way, but maybe in time, if he went to the dance with her, he'll learn to? That's why people go out right, to get to know each other. That's what regular teenagers are supposed to do. 

At least, that's what people tell him anyways. 

But they've known each other their whole lives, what would going out once possibly change? And she probably didn't mean it like that anyways, it's just a friend thing, yeah. 

But she's looking at him so happy, he never likes to be the cause of her frowning, and now her face is starting to fall more with every second that he's been quiet for too long. 

Shit.

"So?" Betty said expectantly, fiddling with her fingers, still looking right at him. Striking blue eyes pinning him down like a particularly hungry bird going in for her prey. 

"Uhhh," he said eloquently, "Yeah, I guess. Sure, why not?"

Why not indeed. 

She finally looked away.

His relief at not having those sharp eyes on him is short lived.

“And there's going to be a huge buffet!”

“Well, why didn't you lead with that?” 

Betty upends his begrudging acceptance with a wide grin, a far too tight uncomfortable hug he just couldn't flinch away from, and the disturbing proclamation of, "It's a date!"

Oh boy. Here we go. 

A "date". Surely, she meant in the rhetorical friend sort of way. Of course, this was not a real date. Just a friend thing. 

Yeah, that's how she meant it. It had to be. 

Jughead didn't want to consider the alternative. 

That he was going on a capital-D Date to a Valentine's dance with Betty Cooper. 

-

The only good thing about this mess is the free buffet available to those that attend the dance. And due to one Cheryl Blossom being head of the dance committee, the rule is you can't come stag, you have to have a date to go. No exceptions.

Guess no one is allowed to be single anymore in Riverdale High. What a shame. 

Did Jughead know about this before Betty had asked him? 

Yes.

Did he sort of assume that was why she asked him? 

Kind of, yeah.

He didn't think she actually wanted to go out with him, just that he was the closest friend that she knew didn't have a date to the thing. 

And he figured the the real reason they were going was to support Archie's gig at the dance with the Pussycats. So as far as he was aware, this was purely a date of circumstance. A parlay of convenience. A something of something. Whatever. 

Point is, had he known the mess it would snowball into, he would have backed out as soon as he heard the dreaded words "Valentine's dance". 

-

One thing to know about Jughead, is that he hates having to get all dressed up for anything with a passion usually reserved for enjoying burgers, comics, and decidedly not sticking his head into affairs he doesn't belong to. 

He just doesn't like being forced out of his usual comfortable clothes to wear unusual uncomfortable clothes. Not for the stupid dance, not for stupid weddings, not for any stupid event.

This was way too much for just any old school dance.

But this dance had a black tie dress code as well. Truly, he was cursing Cheryl for this entire thing. 

The bane of his existence. 

And cursing her for the fact that he was forced into wearing the one and only boring uncomfortable suit he had that itched right in the back of his neck. And the jacket sleeves were just too tight and the pants too short. And the shirt too big that got scrunched and pinched with the too tight jacket. And with the shoes, he was almost as bad as Archie, the level of clumsiness he took on while wearing those pointed toe disasters. 

It felt too small and too large, not right, choking his skin and grating his nerves thin.

He hated this he hated this he hated this. 

Just. 

He took a deep breath. 

Think of the food… the cakes and the little pigs in a blanket and meatballs and mac and cheese and marshmallows…yum.

At least he didn't have to wear a tie. Well, he did, but he had just yanked it off the first moment he could and stuffed it in his pocket. It was like a noose hanging around his neck, just waiting to be grabbed and tightened. No thank you, not taking any chances.

This buffet had better be worth it. 

Oh and being there for Archie, yeah that too. 

And Betty…

-

They had decided to just meet in front of the school gym the dance was at, then go in together. It was easier that way. Easier for who? Jughead didn't know, but he was quietly relieved this wasn't a real date and therefore he didn't have to try to pick her up at her house. Boy was that a conversation with her parents he wanted to avoid at all costs.

Betty had dressed up to the nines.

A flowy pastel lavender and pink floral dress with a matching thin shawl-thing hanging off her arms that did absolutely nothing to protect her against this harsh end-of-winter weather. Her hair out of its signature ponytail for once, and was all primped and curled around her shoulders. Little silver dots of jewelry adorned her earlobes and neck. She probably had some makeup on too.

He should compliment her. That's what he was supposed to do right? Even if this wasn't a date-date, it was still the nice thing to do?

She looked at him, with a sweet smile. Eyes all sharp blue, that seemed to soften as they met his. He tried his best to maintain eye contact with her for an appropriate amount of time, playing the 15 second long captain hero show ad break in his head to measure the time, before immediately glancing away. That was definitely enough for the entire night, right? They didn't have to look at each other much more than that?

She had probably taken all day to look so… shiny? Yeah. Shiny. That was an accurate statement.

"So…What do you think? How do I look?" Betty blushed, tucking a stray hair behind her ear. Huh, she must be pretty cold, blushing that much already. That outfit was not very weather appropriate it seemed. 

"Well, you look…uh." Jughead started then trailed off. Was shiny an appropriate word to describe the girl friend that he was-but-absolutely-wasn't on a date with? 

"Aw, he's too stunned for words!" she giggled into her hand, then subtly reached the other one out to take his hand into hers.

He swiftly shook her hand, thinking that she was going in for a friendly, but quick handshake. Easy. This wasn't so bad. 

She gave him a puzzled look that interfered with her cheery smile, just a bit. 

She still was holding onto his hand. 

He shuddered involuntarily at the more prolonged contact, glaring daggers into their intertwined hands. His hand felt like it was slowly burning up and itching and freezing up all at once being held so much like that. How long was she going to do this for. Does he ask her to pretty please let go, their handshake had ended a while ago? Or will it sort itself out eventually? What does he do? He really doesn't want to be rude about it, but it was making his skin crawl and his face scrunch up.

She looked at him expectantly.

Oh wait, she asked him a question. Uh… shit what does he think? 

… 

…

… 

"Shiny." Jughead finally said, confidently nodding. No, it fits. She was shiny after all. 

"Huh?" Betty's smile faltered, just a bit more, as his hand fell out of her grasp.

Oh thank god. He didn't have to do anything it seemed. 

Jughead stuck his hands into his pants pockets where they wouldn't be grabbed at anymore. Check and mate. 

"Yeah, you're very shiny." Jughead reiterated. Maybe she just hadn't heard him the first time. 

"Shiny?" her shiny lips pursed.

"Like, you know, your hair, and shoes, and… all. Why are you looking at me like that," he sighed, well he tried at least, "what is it. What."

"No nothing," she said, finally stifling a laugh, "it's very sweet. Thank you, um you look quite… shiny yourself."

"Ugh, Gag me with a spoon. You two are too cute. Going to take up the sidewalk all night, are you?" Cheryl Blossom rudely interrupted, stepping out of a limo clad in a vibrant cherry red dress with a huge slit down the side and classy matching heels. Not shiny.

Jughead truly wished someone would take her up on the offer and gag her. 

"Babe, you know we're the cuter couple." Toni Topaz was on her arm, in a nicely cut suit with a red button up matching Cheryl's dress to a tee. Also not shiny. 

Wait, was he supposed to match Betty? He hadn't even thought of it. He just threw on the most clean smelling shirt that just happened to be close enough. The stark green of his shirt clashed with Betty's baby pink and pastel purple dress, just a little bit.

"We're not a-" Jughead had started to correct her about her preconceived notions on their relationship.

"Move it or lose it, losers." Cheryl snapped. 

"Jeeze, who died and made you prom queen? The devil?" Jughead hissed.

"Cheryl, this is the line to get into the dance. So we kind of have to be here." Betty gestured to the gaggle of teens in front of them, far too nice for her own good.

"Ugh. Whatever," she seemed flustered, having just realized it, "I knew that."

"Wait in line like everyone else, princess." Betty jabbed him in the gut for that one.

Worth it just to see Cheryl's face turn the same shade of red as her dress though.

 -

Finally making it through the check in line, and the gym was nigh unrecognizable. Dark and moody red and pink lighting obscured the corners where teenagers were probably just chilling out away from the very loud annoying party and probably not kissing and stuff behind the indoor bleachers at all. Enormous glittery plastic hearts were hung like nooses from the rafters. The makeshift stage covered with red and pink painted hearts, and what looked suspiciously like confetti cannons manned the sides. The stages DJ booth was playing music louder and more sappy than anything Jughead has ever heard in his life. It was grating against his already frayed nerves. Streamers and heart balloons littered the basketball court floor, as teens tossed and kicked the balloons around.

Jughead started immediately eagerly looking around for the buffet table, but overly gussied up students and plainly dressed faculty were all that he could find through the sea of reds and pinks.

Ah well. He'd find it eventually, it was fate after all. 

Even through all the gaudy decor and red-pink darkness, they could see Veronica from about a mile away. She shined like a purple diamond in the dark. 

If Betty had dressed up to the nines, then Veronica had dressed up to the tens. Or the elevens.

"What do you think Betts? Fabulous or what!" Ronnie spun around, showing off her sheer deep purple floor length gown. And heels that could kill a man. Complete with lavender elbow length satin gloves and only the finest of jewels money could buy. Her hair was curled and big enough to fit two, maybe three dozen burgers in. 

Also quite shiny. 

Jughead had a strong feeling that she wouldn't appreciate his comparison to which muppet she looked exactly like. 

"Oh wow, yeah. You are- I mean. The dress. It's just gorgeous." Betty stuttered out, her eyes glued to Veronica, watching her twirl around.

"Wow, everyone here is so shiny. Where's the buffet? I'm starving." He tried to walk away, but Betty suddenly grabbed his hand at the last moment. He tried to hide his flinch. He had never been very fond of people, even close friends, touching him. 

He tried to yank away from her iron grip, but there was no escape. 

It seemed she would rather he did introductions to people they saw every single day, before running off to the much dreamed after buffet. 

Just great , polite niceties. 

"Oh, wonderful to see you too, Juggie." she said as though she had just noticed he was also standing there. With how self involved Veronica was, she probably had only just noticed. 

"Hi, Veronica." he sighed, might as well get this over with. But every time he looked at her he couldn't stop seeing it. They had the same exact fashion sense, it was uncanny. The gloves, the dress, the jewels, the attitude. The big hair. 

"Aw! And don't you clean up nice and dapper, all for Betty." Veronica reached a hand up to flick his hair, which he had actually remembered to brush for once. Not that he had done anything more to it than that. This is a high school dance, not the premier of the new captain hero movie. 

"Don't do that." He batted her hand away, not unlike a cat. Why were people so insistent to put their hands all over him today.

"I see you kept your silly little hat, ah well, can't win them all."

"Or any with you." Jughead muttered.

"What was that, Juggie-kins?" Veronica smirked, again reminding him of a certain well dressed pig's sneer. 

"Nothing." he grumbled, attempting to  cross his arms like a disgruntled child, before remembering his palm was still trapped within Betty's. 

Great.

"Oh, get along you two. Ronnie doesn't mean anything by it, now do you?" Betty had finally let go of him, not a moment too soon. 

He wiped his sweaty palm off on his pants leg. Just gotta remember to keep his hands in his pockets or else Betty would snatch them up and never return them.

"No I guess not. Not that he'd notice either way." Veronica laughed haughtily.

"And just what do you mean by that!" He pointed at her accusingly. 

"Nothing, nothing. Just that you only seem to care about what's on the other end of your nose if food is involved."

"Well, you're not wrong, but I dislike your tone on principle, so I refuse to comment."

"That in and of itself is a comment, and an admission of defeat. And so this round goes to Veronica Lodge." She took a dramatic bow.

"Hey! I didn't lose any-"

"Am I going to have to separate you two?" Betty tapped her foot, looking for all the world to be a disappointed mother. 

"No, mom ." they answered in unison, rolling their eyes like surly children.

There was that thought in his head he just couldn't keep in any longer. Veronica just had to know how much she looked like her didn't she? 

"Anyways, forget about Mr. Doom-and-Gloom, check out this necklace, all imported crystal from some mountain, isn't it just lovely!"

"Yes, yes, very shiny as we have established." Did she know she had to know just how similar they were. 

"Wow, it's beautiful!" Betty crowded closer to Veronica to get a good look at the pendent. Leaving him with no buffer to everyone else. Not that he was hiding behind her significantly shorter stature that was almost level to him with her heels, because he absolutely was not. 

Ok, so maybe he was a little bit. But no one could prove it.

"I know! And doesn't it match me so wonderfully."

"I see we've decided to ignore me, that's cool." He tried to stick a bit closer to Betty, but someone coming from the other direction shoulder checked him, nearly making him fall over. If one more person touched him tonight that's it. He is going to lose it. He cannot be held responsible for his actions.

"Oh, for sure."

"Well, I for one would love to find this elusive buffet." He glanced around the room full of sweaty gross teenagers and tired bitter faculty, still not seeing anything that resembled a table full of the best food known to mankind. 

"It even changes colors in the lighting."

"Oh, how lovely, Ronnie! Jug, come take a look." Betty reached out to grab him. And oh god not this with the grabbing again. He huffed as she maneuvers his shoulder closer to Ron. Where he did not want to be.

"Yeah, yeah. I saw it from over there, I don't need to be that close to Veronica. I'll keep my personal space to myself, thanks." He did not trip back in a desperate attempt to get as far away from the girls as possible. 

Ok maybe he did trip a bit. It was all those shoes' fault.

"Ok, whatever can we just go find-" Jughead stumbled backwards, the correct footing being lost, directly into someone. These pointed shoes were truly not helping matters.

And someone bumped into him again, making his skin crawl and his eye twitch and his stomach twist and his fingers flicking as though trying to get something incorporeal off of him. And. 

And. 

"Agh, that's it. Veronica, you look just like Miss Piggy! I'm going to the bathroom." he said loudly. And decidedly did not storm off, pushing through the sea of hormone addled peers dressed all in warm tones of reds, pinks, and purples. The green of his shirt stuck out like a sore thumb.

He decidedly didn't think about it. Not at all. 

He just went angrily in the opposite direction. That's all. He did not storm off. Really. 

He didn't.

Ok, maybe he did storm off. Just a bit.

"Jughead Jones you get back here right this instant and take that back!"

"Alrighty, have fun." Betty giggled, not really listening to him at all it would seem. She was still staring at Ronnie as though entranced. 

What was it that had made everyone so gaga for Veronica. 

Thankfully the men's room was empty by the time he barged in. He really, really wanted to be alone for one single moment. 

Why Ronnie is always teasing and messing with him, he'll never know. They were rivals in some ways, enemies in others.

He can usually give it as good as he takes it, and most times it's fun to bicker with her.

But tonight… ugh. 

He sighed out a deep breath, slumped against the wall next to the bathroom door.

The combination of stuffy formal wear, too many people touching him, Ronnie , Betty clinging to his sweaty hand, the loud grating music, the endless chatter of people around him, the faint buzzing from those spotlights. 

It was all too much.

He clasped his hands over his head and sank to the grody floor.

Too much.

The way Betty would go from flat out ignoring him to looking at him, expecting. Something, but what he just did not know. It was all so confusing. 

It was all too much for him. 

This was ridiculous. 

Ugh.

Pushing himself away from the wall he paced back and forth in the small bathroom in thought. 

What did she want from him.

What.

What.

What. 

Uhg.

He ran his hands through his hair over and over again, making it more messy than before, hat even more askew.

No, today, he was not up for it. Already he was exhausted and drained and it was only a few minutes into the dance. 

He stopped in front of one of the mirrors.

It was only minutes into the dance. 

It dawned on Jughead that he still had several hours more of this left to go. 

There was more.

His own shellshocked expression met his eyes.

Clutching the sink in horror, he realized he had to find a plate of food and a spot to hole up in fast if he wanted to make it through the rest of the night sane. 

Oh god.

This might literally be his hell.

At least the food would cheer him up. Make this already disaster of a night worth something. 

Yeah, food had never confused or frustrated him.

-

Off in the back corner of the gym, Jughead finally found the buffet. 

Unfortunately, he was about to become very confused and frustrated by the food.

"What do you mean it's all vegan and heart shaped! Where's the hamburgers? The steak! The ice cream! Anything good!"

"The committee wanted it to be healthy and romantic." A nearby snazzily dressed Dilton Doiley shrugged. He wasn't all too sure why either. He had just overheard someone on the dance committee say it.

"The committee, huh…" A dastardly plan was forming in his mind. They wanted to ruin the only good thing about this dance for him, it was time he did the same to them. 

They take his food… it's only right that he should take something they love right back… 

"So, Cheryl did this to me too hm…"

"Oh, dear. Jughead is muttering to himself. Moose, could you find Betty?" Dilton worried. 

"Now someone has really got it coming…"

Moose rushed off to find the blonde. 

-

Jughead was sitting cross legged on the floor right in front of the heart shaped table in protest, directly facing it and having a staring contest with his reflection in the side of the heart shaped punch bowl, chin resting on a heart shaped plate, breathing all over the heart shaped kale chips. And planning.

And mumbling to himself about who knows what. 

Jughead watched through the reflection of the heart shaped punch bowl as Dilton puttered around nervously behind him until Moose returned, bringing along the one person he absolutely did not want to see under any circumstances right now. 

"So, I hear that you're making evil plans to take down the entire dance committee, you jerk." Jughead heard that all too familiar shrill voice snark behind him. 

"Not evil plans, plans of righteous much-deserved vindication." He did not turn around. If he just closed his eyes maybe, maybe, she would go away.

"May I ask why. Not that I care. Especially after what you said to me."

"Ugh. I meant it as a compliment! Miss Piggy is objectively the most badass muppet. She's got great fashion sense, and is mega rich too. And she does karate. And you have to see how much your outfits match. It's like the exact same thing."

"Hm, fine. You are forgiven. For now." Veronica started to poke around the spread. 

Not going away it would seem. Time for desperate measures.

"Just! Look at this atrocity!" He dramatically turned as his arms flung across the table, at the pitiful excuse for party food. The effect was kind of ruined by the fact he was still sitting on the ground.

"Ok? And?" Veronica rolled her eyes as though this wasn't the end of the world. 

"Betty would understand this war crime better." He crossed his arms and huffed at her lack of appropriate response. 

"Well, Betty was in the bathroom, so they sent me to deal with you causing a scene instead." 

"Don't they know that'll only make it worse?"

"That's just what I said! Really, I said, "If you send me over there, I'm only going to cause problems." but they didn't care. It really looked like you were really going to do something drastic like, start a food fight or whatever. And that would sort of ruin the whole romantic vibe of the dance."

"Hm, maybe I should do that. It would be a good use for this so-called food…"

"That's what I'm supposed to stop you from doing."

"Why? It would be more fun than this. Ugh." Jughead disdainfully glared at the couple's around him, laughing, kissing, dancing.

"I don't see a problem with it or the food." She picked at some hummus with a stout piece of celery and pointedly took a bite. 

Her face scrunched up grossly and turned an unflattering shade of green. 

"Oh, Ronnie… no." Jughead looked sadly at her. 

"It's just vegan, only veggies, it's not that bad." she gagged. 

"Yeah, it is." He laughed.

"It's-it's an acquired taste." She insisted, holding the celery away from her.

"Would you take another bite?" He gleefully egged her on. 

"Of course. Sure… it's… sooo good. See…" She took another bite and gagged again.

He cackled delightfully, like a mad man.

She flicked his forehead. 

"Ouch! What was that for?"

"You know what."

"Look, I don't care that it's vegan, it's the fact that there's no other options! No deviled eggs, no pickled pickles, no pigs in a blanket, no garlic breadsticks, no mini hamburger platters! And it's all heart shaped. Kind of going in too much with that theme huh?" he ranted. 

"And? What's so bad about the hearts? I happen to think it's kind of cute." She took a cup of heart punch from the heart bowl into heart cups. Taking a sip, she winced then looked at the glass appreciatively. 

"Well, at least someone spiked this." She shrugged appreciatively, taking another small sip. 

"It's kind of on the nose, like we get it, it's a lovely-dovey gross dance, ok do you have to remind us of it every single waking second!"

"Look, if you've got a problem with the Valentine's dance, take it up with the committee, not me. They're the ones that set this all up."

"Exactly, that's just what I'm trying to do here! Now that you understand me here, we have to do something about it."

"Like what? What are you going to do?"

"So, the dance committee wants the dance to be perfect so much. I think it's time we put a stop to it, who's with me!"

"I don't think anyone is."

"What, why?" He turned around. Only Veronica was left there. It seems that Moose and Dilton ran off in the middle of his speech. Those traitors. Leaving him to fend for himself. 

"It's a dance, Jughead. What do you think they're all here to do?"

He looked over at the food.

"No, they're all here to dance. It is Valentine's day after all."

"But…it's not even really Valentine's day yet. That's on Monday, right? And today's Friday?"

"So? People want any excuse to act all romantic."

"Why? What about the food." He motioned to the travesty of sad limp heart shaped vegetables and rock hard tofu on the table. There weren't even any sweets. This was a pathetic display. 

"Jughead, no one cares. They're busy. " She said in a condescending way, as though she was explaining something very simple to someone very dumb. He did not appreciate it at all.

"Hey, look I care! What about me! What do I get! All I wanted out of this whole thing was some delicious food, and I don't get that! The only thing I wanted. Everyone else gets their stupid dances, and fun outfits, and romantic stuff, and whatever else. But I don't get anything from this!"

"I thought maybe , that you had wanted to go to the dance with Betty, not just as your ticket to the buffet."

"I do, I did, kind of, eh, sort of, not exactly, well I just-"

"Jug, for real. Get with it. You've got a perfect stunning girl here just waiting for you, and you're going to waste it all whining about the food?"

"I mean the food is a pretty big part of why I even came here-"

"Oh my god."

"No, you don't get it, ok so-"

"No, you don't get it!"

"Huh? Get what-"

"Just shut the hell up and appreciate what you've got!" Veronica grabbed him by the lapels, glaring. 

Sudden tears brimmed in her eyes. 

"Betty deserves the world you know." she said softly, glancing away.

"I know." he agreed.

"So why you." Hissed Veronica. 

"I don't know what you mean, really." 

"Why, out of everyone in the school, in the world, she chooses you for this dance."

"Me?"

"Ugh. Yes, you!" she spat out bitterly, "So don't you dare ruin this for her, ok?"

"Um-"

"You're going to shove your ego and your stomach down and have a nice, sweet dance with her. And be an attentive date. Because she deserves something good, even if it's with you ."

"Well I-"

"And if you don't like Betty for the wonderful, amazing, selfless, loving girl that she is, then you're clearly an idiot who doesn't deserve her affections or to be with her."

"But I don't-"

"If you can't see how great Betty is to be with, then you're missing out big time."

"I-"

"And you will have so much hell to pay for hurting her and breaking her heart." And she pushed him away. And thank god that was over. 

But it was only then that he could see the fire light up in her eyes, promising a world of social and financial pain if he screwed this up. 

And Jughead realized that he might have fucked up. 

Just a bit. 

Because he was going to screw it all up. He wasn't any good at this romance thing. 

He gulped nervously. 

"Yeah…but what if I-"

"Nobody cares about it Jug! God, just shut up about the food for once!"

"Uh.Yeah, food." 

What he was going to say was 'But what if I don't want to do this? What if I don't want to? What about what I want? What about that? Isn't this just what good friends do? We're just helping each other out, right? What does this mean? What if I didn't want her to choose me? What if I just wanted to go as friends? But now I have to treat it as some big romantic gesture I don't even want to be a part of but now have to due to the intricate convoluted social rituals of high school teenagers that I don't understand? What if I don't want to be with her or to break her heart, I don't want to hurt her, but what if I do regardless of my good intentions? What about all that?'

"Ok?" Veronica smiled, saccharine sweet. 

"Ok, ok. Fine. Yeah, I'll. 'Stop whining.' But this is far from over." He motions again at the horrible food 'options'. 

"Good. Don't mess with the dance."

Jughead was starting to think this dance was way more trouble than it was worth. 

-

Jughead glared at Cheryl, who was surrounded by friends on the dance floor, smiling.

She was having such a good time at the dance, spinning around, chatting, laughing, kissing Toni. 

Meanwhile, here he was having a horrible time, foodless, uncomfortable, fuming, brooding. And it was all her fault. But he couldn't do anything about it to ruin the dance. He wasn't allowed . Ronnie had explicitly forbidden him from interfering.

If he ruined the dance for Cheryl, he would in turn ruin it for Betty, and he wasn't allowed to do that. 

He stewed some more.

Kevin came over to the tiny heart shaped table the group had occupied in the very edge of the gym, carrying two impractically heart shaped glasses of punch. The punch would also be heart shaped if Cheryl could change the laws of physics probably. If she had her way, everything would be.

"Oh, thanks Kev dear, I was getting parched." Veronica crooned. 

"Anything for my wonderful date."

"Ah, you're too sweet, you know-"

"Wait, so you two came here…together?" Betty slowly asked. 

"Yeah, well just as friends, you know" Kevin said.

"Yeah." Jughead nodded. He did know, that's exactly what he and Betty were doing. Just as friends. 

"No…?" Betty shook her head, looking confused. She did not know it seemed. 

Huh, weird.

"We both needed dates so we thought, why not each other!" Kevin said.

"And I'm attempting to make someone very jealous." For some reason Ronnie looked pointedly at Betty, who didn't notice.   

"And I'm not, I don't really know what Ron is doing-" Kevin waved his hand dismissively at Veronica and frowned. 

"Like, everyone knows I could have had anyone in the entire school go with me, obviously, but I wanted them to understand it was going to be a just friends thing because the person I was going to ask had already asked someone else ," Veronica said loudly in his direction and looked angrily at Jughead, for some reason. He did not understand her today, "and most wouldn't have gotten all that so, Kevin." She smiled brightly at Kevin. 

"Ah, right. That." Kevin grimaced and looked at him too.

"That ." Veronica and Kevin shared a somber look, then looked intently at Jughead again for a long moment. 

Ok, so he didn't understand anyone today. But that's mostly normal. 

Eh, whatever. Not his problem.

"And now Ronnie owes me another favor." Kevin smirked.

"Ugh, fine. That too. You have got to stop lording these over me!"

"Well, this favor I'm doing for you isn't as big as the other one-" 

"It was one speeding ticket out of how many I've gotten-"

"That I got you out of." Kevin said pointedly.

"Yeah, yeah. Only because it wasn't your dad who caught us speeding." she laughed.

"No, yeah I get that. The friend thing. Makes sense to just go with a friend, right Betty?" He glanced at her, but she was still lost in thought. 

"Um, right," Betty distantly said, "only, thing is me and Jughead are here together. As a date."

"Oh. We are?" This was news to him. 

"Of course, why else would I have asked you?" She stained a laugh like he had told a particularly amusing joke, even though he hadn't. Not really. 

He laughed along awkwardly.

"Uhm, no other reason. I guess." He gulped.

So it turns out maybe he was on a date with Betty. And it really was just as bad as he had imagined it would be. 

Perhaps even worse now. 

Because Betty's got this gleeful determined look in her eyes as the DJ plays a slow sappy song. 

"Oh, hey let's go dance!" She grabbed his hand. 

He's biting his tongue from shouting back 'I really don't want to, please no.'

But he just let himself be dragged into the fray of swaying students coupled up together.

Betty smiled, all warm and bright in the pink-red lights. 

God damnit, fine. Fine . He'll do this and look happy about it too. For her sake. 

He didn't want to give Betty anymore false hope about where this was going, but he didn't want to see her sad. 

Especially not over him.

So she put her hands on his shoulders and he forced his brain to stop screaming about how much he feels as though he's shaking like a leaf lost in the wind and wanting to run away.

Because all Betty really wants is a dance. He can do that, easy. One nice dance. He really does not want to at all. And yet. They do. It's awkward, it's weird, he doesn't like it, he's pretty bad at it, and he wishes he were anywhere else. But at least Betty was happy. It felt like the 4 minute song was several hours long. 

She was clinging onto him like he was her last lifeline, and maybe he was. But he felt like he was losing his own last lifeline.

He desperately wanted to push away as they swayed together.

He didn't do it though.

From over Betty's shoulder, his eyes caught Ronnie's at the edge of the crowd and she didn't look so angry anymore, just sad. 

Almost…heartbroken. 

He had always hated to see any of his friends sad. Jughead took a deep breath looked away. He was doing this for her. For both of them. 

They swayed like boats adrift in stormy seas to the slow music. There was no way this was ending without someone sinking. 

And then Betty lifted her head off his burning shoulder and leaned in more. 

Her eyes closed.

And leaned in more.

His eyes went wide.

Her face was so close. 

And he felt his heart drop to his feet.

Oh no.

He couldn't avoid it.

He swiftly turned his face so she kissed his cheek instead of his lips.

She opened up her eyes, puzzled.

What does he say to make it less obvious he was avoiding being kissed…a compliment. But he can't keep using 'shiny'.

Taking a deep breath he prepared himself. 

And looked directly into her piercing blue eyes for several seconds.

"You have nice eyes." he quickly said, looking away before those nice eyes saw right through him.

She smiled that same sweet smile at him and he tried very hard to not feel as though he were drowning in her.

Seems as though he is the one sinking. 

"Thank you, um, you have a nice hat." she said with a laugh. 

"What, this old thing?" he said relaxed, catastrophe averted.

"You know, I really wasn't expecting you to go out with me. I thought you'd have given up on romance."

Given up on, never started to bother with. Semantics. 

He tensed up again. Ugh romance.

"Well, how could I refuse with my second best friend asking me. Seemed like a good time." And he hadn't thought it was a serious date until then. And it had been anything but a good time.

"Yeah…friend," Betty's careful steps faltered as her voice softened, "so, actually I've been meaning to talk to you about that."

"Um. Yeah, friend, buddy, pal, amigo, comrade, uh." he nervously stalled. He wasn't the best at gauging social situations, but he could see where this was going.

Betty took a moment to gather her courage and tightened her grip on his shoulders. 

"I've been wanting to say this for a long time, well, not really a long time but more so in the past couple of weeks. So, we've known each other for a while, since we were kids really, and recently, um, I've-I've agh!"

Jughead tried to turn his grimace into a strained smile. It wasn't working.

"I can't get the words out so-"

And she leaned forward and kissed him right on the mouth.

And there was no getting out of it this time. 

-

Some time back, they're talking about first kisses and all.

"It's like sparks fly, and the music of love swells, and it's just the most lovely thing ever. Like everything is right in the world. You know?" Betty had sighed.

"Pfft, you're joking right? Like, do you actually believe that is what happens?" Jughead scoffed in disbelief. 

"Look, just because some of us aren't cynical assholes-" Reggie started to say

"The whole…" he gestures to everything, "This isn't an exaggeration? You guys really feel like that, just all the time? What the fuck?"

"I don't know, isn't that just what everyone feels?" Betty had said, more confused than anything. 

"Yeah, do you mean you don't feel that yet?" Archie asked.

"Not at all."

"But…everyone does, don't they?" Betty asked.

"Eh. That sounds fake, but ok."

"Are you saying you don't…you've never had your first kiss?!" Ronnie gasped, seemingly shocked.

"I guess so, yeah" 

"Huh, yeah that is weird. Even for you." Reggie snarked. 

Jughead shrugs, "I've never really cared, it's never bothered me anyways."

"Well, you'll get your first kiss one day!" Archie encouraged hopefully.

"Ugh, I hope not!" He scrunched up his face in disgust.

-

Jughead can't resist the need to push her away any longer. 

Betty's look of hurt seers into his brain as he fumbles for words.

"Um, I gotta-" And he practically sprints out of the gym, pushing his way through the crowd.

Until he finally reached the front entrance and stopped running. 

Sitting on the big stone steps he put his head in his hands.

Taking a few quick gulping breaths, his panic abates a bit. 

Then he realized he left Betty in there. After she kissed him. In front of everyone. And he pushed her away. 

Oh no. Ronnie would have his head on a platter for this. 

This was bad. 

Very very bad. 

He messed up big time. 

"Um…are you alright?"

He jumped at the voice. Turning around, he saw Betty standing awkwardly on the steps behind him.

"Sure, I guess." He shrugged. 

"Well. It's just. You sort of ran out in a hurry." She sat on the step next to him.

"Ah. It was. Just…all the people in there. And everything. It was a lot."

"Ah, the, um, PDA?"

"Yeah…that too." 

"And how was that?" She had a little nervous smile on now.

"It's just really slimy and kind of spitty," and overall, underwhelming. He had thought after everyone hyped kissing up so much,  it would be different but no, "eh, it was weird. Is that all it is? Just…wet?"

"Oh, god, was it really that bad?" All smiles drained from her and she looked like she might actually cry.

"No, no! I guess not? I just. Wasn't expecting it, I think it was my fault. I've never been kissed before. So I was kind of shocked by how…weird it was."

"Oh! That was your first kiss!"

"Yeah… uh, it wasn't bad. I promise. I just, I dont think I'm any good at it." He laughed, not in a self deprecating way, just in a relieved earnest one. He didn't particularly want to be good at it anyway.

"Ha, so, uh, do you want to practice some more?" She said flirtatiously. 

"No, not really, I just want to go home now, eat some real food, and take a nice long nap."

The nuance of Betty's flirtation was lost on Jughead.

"Oh. Well, then I'll see you tomorrow then. And maybe we can work on it then?" she tried again.

"I guess? I don't really know. I promised Arch we'd hang out tomorrow. He's got some big plans. Might take all day." he lied. He knew that was mean, but he really just didn't want to see Betty again so soon. He had a lot of thinking to do.

"Oh. Well, then I'll see you Sunday, then! I really did have a wonderful time with you tonight, Jughead." She kissed his cheek and walked off, possibly back to the dance, possibly home, and he felt nothing but a shivery chill up his spine. 

And greatful it was only his cheek this time. 

"Yeah…Bye Betty." He tried very hard to hold himself together on the walk home.

Would he ever get used to this. Why didn't he ever want to.

Maybe the next one would be better, but he didn't want to even think about the next kiss. 

Just the thought of kissing again made his face scrunch up in disgust.

It was just slimy and weird and all tongue and teeth. Who even enjoyed that? Yuck.

Maybe he was just really, really, really bad at it. And that's why he didn't like it. Not for any other reasons he didn't feel like examining too closely. 

But if that was the case, then why did he still feel so sick?

He felt his stomach sink. 

What was wrong with him. Something had to be wrong with him. 

Let's see: tonight he felt nauseous whenever Betty kissed him. And when she touched him his skin crawled. And when she smiled at him, he didn't feel warm inside, just cold dread.

And what does that mean: he must be sick. There's no other explanation. 

He catalogs his feelings and concludes that he is sick and dying. He has to be. What else could it be.

-

He calls Archie, for lack of better things to do. And maybe for some advice. 

"Archie, I think I might be sic-"

"Hey, Jughead! You're missing the party of the century, where'd you go?"

"Agh, yeah, I just, uh me and Betty, well we sort of kissed and I kind of didn't want to stay there any longer, I'm really sorry about missing you play-"

"Woah, good job! Nah, I don't mind you leaving or anything, it's cool."

"Yeah, we left right after to-"

"Oohh, I get it, yeah. Busy. Hey, we'll talk tomorrow, ok?"

"But right now I kind of wanted some-"

"I'm trying to get, uhm, sort of busy myself right now too, if you know what I mean," And Jughead didn't know what he meant. The cacophony of the dance drowned out everything else. "But, we can talk tomorrow, when, uh, we're both less occupied."

"Oh… ok, yeah. Tomorrow." Jughead forced himself not to feel put out. He was used to all his friends prioritizing dates and romance and girlfriends and boyfriends over him. It was a regular occurrence. It was normal. Expected, even.

It still didn't stop the dull pang of disappointment reverberating through him.

"Very first thing tomorrow morning! You can tell me all about you and Betty!" Archie promised with a cheer in his voice that Jughead had been unable to muster up all night.

Jughead tried his best to believe him this time. 

"Yeah. Tomorrow." His stomach hurt.

Nausea over this was making him unable to eat. He must be terribly ill if he couldn't even eat.

So. This situation has quickly gone from annoying to bad. 

This was bad. This was really, really, bad. 

Chapter Text

The morning after the disaster of a dance, Jughead was pacing in front of Archie in his garage. Archie, fiddling with his guitar, was strumming and tuning it, although not very well. 

"Agh! This is terrible!" Jughead had been completely unable to sleep last night, the non stop nausea and never ending thoughts had been all too much to bear.

"Hey, I've been practicing." Archie said, fiddling with the strings of the instrument.

“Not you , all these feelings, ” Jughead spat out, “I'm having feelings about things and I don't understand them at all. I hate it.”

“Ah, those.” He nodded.

“I'm going to tell you exactly what it is that I'm feeling and you're going to tell me how to fix it. Ok?”

“Sure, I'm usually pretty good at feelings.” Archie said with a smile. 

“That's exactly why I came to you.”

“Take it away, Jughead.”

"Ok so...It's like my skin is crawling all the time. It's horrible, and whenever she gets too close I get really nervous because I know she's going to do something , I just never know what. I'm just waiting for the something to happen. I hate it." He clutches his arms together and his eyes shut. Just thinking about it was giving him shivers. 

" Oh …” Archie slowly says, “Yeah."

"Like, is she going to try to kiss me again, or hold my hand, or hug me, or fight me, or something else. What does she want from me? What if I do the wrong thing?" He starts again at a steady pace in front of Archie. 

"Totally." Archie doesn't look directly at Jughead as he's pacing and talking, it's easier that way.  

"And it's like my stomach is in knots like I'm going to throw up, and I'm sweaty and weird all the time."

"Sure." He quietly strums around on the guitar, taking in what he's saying. 

"And like, I can't look at her for too long before I think 'oh god what if she looks at me back,' what do I do then. And then I keep saying the wrong things, and she looks at me like what are you doing, and I don't know! This is all so confusing!" His pacing becomes more and more frantic and hurried. 

"Uh huh."

"And to top it all off, I'm so nauseous I can't even eat!"

He stopped pacing and took inventory of what he had said. 

Oh no.

"Archie, I'm sick. I think I'm dying." Jughead seriously put his hands on Archie's shoulders with a grim look. 

"No, Jug you aren't sick, that's just what a crush feels like. Congrats, you did it!" Archie finally looked up from his god awful strumming with a big cheesy grin, “You're just like every other normal teen now.”

What.

WHAT.

"Wait THAT'S what it feels like? Yuck!" He viciously recoiled back at that. 

"Yeah, so you're nervous about her being near because you want her closer." Archie informed him.

"I do?" It felt like he wanted to run away screaming. 

"Uh huh. And the nerves explain the weird feeling in your stomach, like nausea, that's butterflies. Like all fluttery and soft." He said wisely. 

"It's more like dreadful maggots crawling and twisting my guts." He held his queasy stomach. 

"And you're always sweaty and weird anyways. No change there." Archie pointed out. 

"Hey! I resent those implications." Jughead gaped.

"And because you're so nervous, you say stupid stuff around her."

"I do no such thing."

"You called her shiny at the dance. A lot." Arch gave him a blank stare.

"She was! Everyone was. I was trying to compliment her! Be nice! That's what you do, right?!" Jug sputtered.

"And look, you're blushing now too! That proves it, that means you like her." Archie gave him a self satisfied grin. 

Jug slapped his hands over his face. 

It was burning up. Oh god. He was blushing. 

He had to be dying. 

"It proves no such thing, I'm just embarrassed about this whole situation." Jughead truthfully insisted.

"Nope, somebody's in love!" Archie teased. 

"No!" Jughead clutched his own head in horror. 

"Juggies in love with Betty!" He sing-songed and badly plucked the guitar along with the tune, "Juggies in love with Betty!"

"I am in no such thing!" Jughead made a vicious grab for the vile instrument. 

"Ah, quit your complaining, it's not the end of the world." Archie pulled it back.

"Yes! It is!" He whined, grabbing again.

"You'll get used to it." Arch whipped the guitar up and away.

"I don't want to get used to it, I want it to stop, go away and leave me alone. I don't like these feelings it, it feels…" He didn't know how to explain it. If even the thought of being in love, or someone in love with him made him feel this sick to his stomach, and like his skin was crawling and burning, and his brain recoiling, and if that made him feel just plain wrong and terrible, then what would the real thing do to him? How bad would that feel? 

If this was just what a crush felt like, what kind of horrors would actually being in Love entail?

"It just…it feels bad! Gross! Like I've got food poisoning or something!" He shuddered, clutching his queasy stomach. He'd had food poisoning before. Not pleasant to have his favorite thing in the whole world try to kill him like that.

"Jug, we're not in elementary school anymore. Cooties aren't real, they can't hurt you." Arch poked at him.

"They can and they absolutely will!" He smacked the pesky fingers away. Some people never learn. 

"Come on Jug, when are you going to grow up, and catch up with the rest of us?" Archie laughed, good-naturedly, "It's just that it's getting sort of ridiculous at this point."

Archie really only meant to poke some innocent fun, but the bitter familiarity of those particular words made Jughead reel.

It hurt.

Like ripping open an old fresh wound that had never healed right, just to grind salt and lemon juice into. 

Jughead froze. He felt his mouth go dry at that. His throat closed up, eyes stinging a bit.

Oh.

Yeah. It still hurt. 

It seemed like ever since they were about 10 years old, he'd been struggling to catch up with where everyone else was on the field of love. He just had never had any sort of interest in it. It seemed so silly, and not the fun kind of silly he liked, just the boring frivolous kind. Like homework. 

And that had been mostly fine with everyone, his lousy disinterest, right up until they had reached middle school and all anyone would ever talk about was their crushes, who liked who, who was dating who, who broke up then got back together. 

It only got worse in high school. 

It felt like he had missed a step along the way and gotten left behind.

He had finally just gotten used to all these other social things he was expected to know innately and understand, and then they threw this whole other thing at him, an even more baffling thing on top of that. He had hoped with enough time and practice, he would understand it but that had never happened. It had always been a minefield to him. 

Love.

He didn't get it. What was so great about it. What was the big deal? 

He didn't get it. 

He didn't know why he was acting like this about something as benign and mundane and normal as a crush.

Why did he feel like he was about to cry over something so stupid. 

"I… I don't know." Jughead gulped down those pesky tears, covering his face with his arms, dropping to the hard ground with a thump. 

This was so stupid. 

He pulled his knees up to his forehead for good measure and groaned. Wiggling his loose toes in his near permanently worn sandals. He had always hated how itchy socks were. 

Just calm down. There was no need to cry over a pesky little crush , no matter how frustrated he felt over it.

He scrunched his face up and struggled to take deep breaths. It wasn't working. 

Come on, really. 

Instead of breathing normally, he tried holding his breath and everything else in.

Squeezing his eyes shut and clenching his fists tight, until he felt like he was going to explode.

Nope, not working. Only made it worse.

Letting out his breath in a sputter, he clenched and unclenched his hands.

He gripped at his long sleeves and pulled at the threads hanging off hems of them, fraying the shirt bit by bit. It almost seemed to settle him for a moment, until one of them snagged and as hard as he pulled it wouldn't let go. 

That was it. 

No.

"Ugh!" He leaped up from where he was sitting in a ball on the slate floor of the garage, and started pacing again much faster, wriggling his fingers and shaking his hands around.

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck-"

Archie watched with what was probably a worried expression, a hand reaching out as though to comfort him, but at least he knew better than to touch him.

"I'm sorry Jug, I didn't mean it like-"

"I hate this, I hate this, I hate this-"

"Hey! Look, it's not so bad, you've just got to learn how to navigate it. It'll get better, you know-" He said with a concerned wobbly smile. 

"No, no, no Arch, I do not know, actually! I think we've established that by now. I have no idea what is going on. That's kind of why I'm here talking to you about it." He snapped out, stopping in his tracks, a wild sort of look in his eyes.

"Ok, so I'll help you out! I'll be your… uh, love tutor! No… love guru? Ah ha, wait! Love guide!" Archie unsuavely said, “Together we'll figure out what's going on with you or die trying!”

"Why does anyone put themselves through this torture! It's terrible!" He shuddered. 

"I know man, but it's so worth it in the end." Archie patted him on the back. 

"I don't know how …agh. I still don't get it though." He slumped down onto a bean bag chair, worn out and clutching at his still nauseous stomach. 

This was the worst thing that's ever happened to anyone in the entire world. This whole love sickness was making him unable to eat. That was a crime. 

If this was what love felt like, he didn't want any part of it. No thank you.

But it didn't seem as though there was any easy way to get rid of it as well. Pesky feelings. 

What a pickle. 

"Come on buddy, I know what'll make you feel better!" Archie helpfully chimed in. 

"Food?" Jughead desperately whined. 

"No, let's go get you a date!" Archie cheerfully suggested.

Oh god, he might actually throw up now. 

-

Another fact about Jughead Jones is that he has never ever ever had a crush. Not once. Ever.

Even when everyone else would mention they had one, he'd just joke that food is all his heart belongs to. And at the time, they laughed at that. 

Until they got older, and it wasn't quite so funny. 

Just sad to them. 

But the lingering assumption was alway there, that one day he'd start to like girls, or boys, or anyone at all really. Then that day never actually happened. And as time went on, reserving his heart for burgers and food instead of crushes, people got impatient with him. 

He just didn't care about dating, how hard was that to understand. 

Apparently very hard. Why does everyone care so much about his non-existent love life, what's there to care about. That all this is supposed to just be innate, that you just got it.

But he never has. It just never has made any sense, this fickle disgusting thing called love. 

One school day, a few years back, they were gathered around at lunch talking about their childhood crushes. All he wanted was to talk with Archie about the new issue in the Captain Hero comic book series. And not gag at the mere mention of these stupid crushes. 

Seriously there were more pressing issues (comic book issues!) to talk about. 

But all Archie had said was “Oh, I've always had a crush on the girl in the comic. Super teen, she's cute.”

“But…she's not even real?” Jughead was baffled. 

“So? Haven't you ever liked anyone from someone in a show or whatever?” 

He shrugged. “I guess I've just never thought about it. That one guy from scooby doo can eat a lot, so I don't know, maybe him? I don't know. It's more of an admiration for his iron stomach than anything. It's aspirational. I want to do that.”

“That's weird.” They said. “You're weird.”

He shrugged again.

“He can't really help that the only thing he ever thinks about is food.” Reggie said.

But.

It's not like Reggie was wrong though. 

-

They went to the mall. To "practice for his date". Whatever that means. 

Well, what it really meant was that Archie was buying Jughead all the food he wanted at the food court. He was going to be bled dry. He should know better by now, really. 

But he guessed Archie felt a bit guilty about Jugheads…mild freakout earlier. It wasn't really Archie's fault Jughead was just so…so bad at reacting to completely innocuous things like a regular normal human being.

But this was an apology Jughead would readily accept, no matter how unneeded it was. 

Free food was free food after all. 

Until Archie started pointing out people for him to see if they're his “type”, whatever that means, to try and help parse out this whole nasty crush business. Archie said it would help them figure it out, but so far all it had done is serve as a reminder why Jughead had never cared for dating. People and romance and dating are weird , food and comics and video games makes sense . 

They had gone through just about everyone in the mall and still no hits on the ‘is Jughead attracted to them meter.’ Whatever that means.

“What about him?” Arch gestured to a boy working at the hot sandwich place, he wasn't wearing a hairnet, even though he really should, and looked dead on his feet, half asleep at the panini press.

“Eh, seems like a fire hazard.” He notes.

“Ok, what about them?” He points out a mousy looking teen sitting alone at a table with big bookish glasses obscuring their face. Jughead squints to make out the book they're reading. A manga based on the anime adaptation of dungeon crawler, a blasphemous piece of media. Too much romance, not nearly enough dungeon. 

“Hard pass.” He dismissed. 

“But they're cute!” Archie insisted.

“Debatable,” he continued, “Their taste in manga is terrible. I don't trust anyone who enjoys the dungeon crawler anime.”

“I'm really not used to you being so picky.” Archie lamented, flopping his head onto the table they were sitting at.  

“I'm really not. I'm just being normal.” Jughead ate more of his delightful spread, an eclectic array of delicacies from all across the food court. Bacon froyo, a loaded hot dog, zesty fish tacos, extra large blue lemonade, and more that is already gone. 

“Ok, fine, how about her?” Archie motions to a girl with short hair and a varsity jacket hanging out with a gaggle of other sporty girls.

“Jock.” He scrunched his nose up in distaste. 

“Hey!” Archie, self proclaimed jock, said in protest.

“I don't think this plan of yours is working, Arch. I just don't have a type. Everyone's the same kind of ehh blegh to me.” Jughead informed Archie. 

“Hmm…” Archie wrote that down in a little notebook he'd labeled ‘Archies love guide advice for Jughead’ and so far it's been pretty empty, barring ‘crush=gross feeling? Look into.’ and ‘how to interpret weird feelings?’

“Maybe let's try something else.” Archie gave up on their quest for now.

“Like what?” Jughead was concerned. He didn't want to think more about if people are attractive or not (they aren't) he just wanted to eat. 

“I'll show you, uh demonstration. About dates. Getting dates. Yeah.” He nodded.

“You just want to flirt.” Jughead rolled his eyes. 

“Well, no. But yes actually.” Archie said. 

“Fine, my favorite squire may retire for the moment to fetch…uh whatever it is you were going to do.” Fetch was the wrong word, but whatever. 

“Ah, thank you for your benevolence, your Grace. Very merciful, very kind of you.” Arch dramatically said with a deep bow. 

And while Arch went table to table, talking to people and getting snuffed at every conceivable turn, Jug was content to sit, and watch, and laugh. 

This was how not to get a date it seemed: Archie Andrew's style.

The violent nausea and accompanying skin crawling feelings at the thought of dating Betty, all things of which he had been assured was a totally normal human response to a 'crush' and did not mean he was sick and dying at all, it's normal, he's normal, had finally lifted enough for him to enjoy some mall tacos and other assorted plating of foods. 

It was a pretty good time actually. 

At least until one local menace showed up.

Reggie Mantle . 

Oh no. Here we go. 

Jughead preemptively groaned in annoyance. 

"Hey, ya losers!" Reggie called out to the two of them.

"Why is everyone so adamant to always call us losers? Can you guys even come up with some more creative insults?" Jughead wasn't usually all too bothered by what people called him, he just wanted a bit of diversity in it, that's all. Makes it a bit more interesting for everyone. Some more effort put in the bullying.

"I mean, you knew who I was talking about, so it worked. And besides, you are losers. At least compared to me." Reggie smugly laughed as he sat down across from Jughead. 

"Ok Reggie. What do you want?" Jughead rolled his eyes. Can't he see he's busy. 

"Nothing yet, I just saw Arch over there trying to score, and thought I'd come check out the train wreck, ha!" He shouted to Arch. 

"Hey!" Archie scowled from a few tables away as the sporty girls he was talking up scattered quickly. 

"It is pretty bad." Jughead laughed. 

"Oh, come on, Jug!" He glared at his best friend, then turned to find the girls all gone.

"What a disaster, how everyone manages to fall for a guy like him is a mystery to me." Reggie chortled. 

"I don't get it either." Jughead shook his head.

"Like, ok I get that he's kind of hot, yeah, whatever, but he's not the total package. I've been with better looking guys, Andrews is mid-upper tier at best, but somehow everyone thinks he's so nice, and funny, and he never is to me, like what's with that. I'm good looking, I'm rich, I'm hot too, why doesn't he like me like-" Reggie ranted. 

"Look dude, I'm going to be real with you. I'm just not in the mood for your antics today," Jughead interrupted, "I've already got enough going on and I don't really need this too." 

He gestured to, well, all of Reggie. 

"I'll have you know that most find my antics to be mischievous, yet lovable!" He pouted. 

"Yeah, totally. Keep telling yourself that, bud." 

"Weeeell, I did have two tickets to the revival theater for tonight, so you know. Maybe someone should think about being nicer to me." Reggie smugly waved two tickets in his face. 

"I'd rather flash fry my head by dunking it in hot oil than be nice to you." Jughead said flatly and finished off his last taco with a final crunch, eyes locked on the tickets.

But he was really curious as to what they'd be showing there tonight. Saturdays were their special films, when they'd either play some 'new' old film they just got into the everchanging roster, or one of their classic ones that he had been waiting for the chance to see again.

Sometimes, it was movies so old that those films were some of the only remaining physical copies anymore, all the others had been destroyed or vanished. Practically lost media. 

Jughead had been going to that particular old theater for years now and been introduced to many various underappreciated low budget horror classics that way. 

He'd been eager for a chance to convince the manager, who apparently did not like him particularly well, to digitize them and have records of those old films on hand, for archival purposes. Just in case you know. But so far it has been a lost cause.

"So. Anyways, uhh. Wanna go?" Reggie asked far too nonchalantly. 

"Let me guess, everyone else shot you down hard." Jughead accurately called.

"Yes! I mean, no. They were just. You know, already busy." He frowned at the ground pathetically.

"Hmm, I don't know," Jughead tapped his chin as though contemplating it even though he had already made up his mind to go, “as you can see by all this free food I'm pretty booked up for today.”

"I'll pay for your food." A desperate Reggie was an easily manipulated Reggie 

"What do you know, there's suddenly been an opening in my schedule." Jughead smirked. More free food. Nice.

"Oh thank god- I mean, yeah of course! Haha! Reggie Mantle has still got it. Take that dad!" Reggie triumphantly said, pointing up to the sky. 

"Wow, yikes dude." Jughead really didn't want to get involved in that.

"Yeah, I know." He sighed, "Anyways, see you tonight?"

"Sure I guess. Not like I've got anything better to do." He had been planning on playing some more dungeon crawler games till his brain bled out from his ears, but that could always wait. 

"Awesome, it's a date!" Reggie shouted. 

"Wait what no-" Oh no. Not again.

"See ya round, Andrews! I got a date before you, ha!" He waved to Archie and started to leave. 

"No, Reg, what do you mean-" Jughead desperately called.

"I'll call you!" He shouted to Jughead as he walked even further away.

“Why do you even have my number!” Jug shouted after him. 

"Guess we got you a practice date after all… oh, darn it all, this means that Reggie won our bet." Archie came back over. 

"No! Not Reggie! No!!!" Jughead was too far gone to even question his statement. 

"Hey, lighten up, bud, it'll be alright." Archie lightly patted his shoulder. 

"No it won't." Jughead groaned into his hands. 

"I know it's Reg, but it can't be that bad."

"Yes it can! It will!"

"It'll just be some casual fun, I'm sure." Archie assured him. 

"Going on a date is anything but casual or fun. It's torture. As in actual medieval torture. Like this could kill me. You're killing me, you're killing your best friend Arch.” Jughead shook Archie at his lapels. 

"Come on, it's not that bad."

"I don't even want to go on a date with Reggie!"

"Well, it's a bit late to get out now, unfortunately for both of us. I never should have made that bet." Archie sighs. 

"Wait… what bet?" He realized that Arch had mentioned a bet though…could yield some interesting results.

"That I could get a date before him."

"Ah ha! It's not a real date, then?" A loophole!”

"Nah, he's going to say it still counts."

"No, I could just… not go. Stand him up." Yeah, then he doesn't have to go on the date…but the free food…and he does like the movies…

"Yeah, if you do that he'd still win. He did technically get someone to agree to go on a date with him." Archie pointed out.

"So…what exactly would he win?" Now he was curious about this bet the two had made. 

"Well, the bet we made at the dance was that the last one to get a date has to go out with the winner.” Arch said like that was a normal bet to make with your best frenemy.

Jughead blinks in disbelief. What.

What.

“What. Oh my god.That's so stupid and ridiculous and makes no sense.”

“No, no it does.” Archie affirms. 

“But I'm definitely going now.” He had decided.

“No! I'm going to lose!” Archie exclaimed. 

“Exactly. It'll be hilarious.” He chuckled. 

“You're just going for the free food.” Archie accused. 

“I'm just going for the free food. As you know, I'm very free food motivated.”

“You really are.” Archie sighed.

“I'm not saying I'd even sell you out to anyone for free food, but it would be very hard to resist. I would be tempted. You'd have to untempt me with more free food than the initial offer.”

“I don't know if I could pull off such a counter offer so quickly. I don't have that much money.”

“Well, I guess my loyalty can always be bought with the promise of comics and video games as well.”

“Ah, now those I have. Yeah, I could get you back easily.”

But wait…Jughead smelled something fishy. And it wasn't just the tacos. 

“Did we go to the mall just so you could get a date for the stupid bet?” He realized. 

“Uhh. Nooo ? We also came for food.” Archie slowly said. 

“Hmm.” He had a sneaking suspicion he might be being lied to. 

“Um.” And Archie took off running out of the food court.

“Archie!” Jughead chased after his lying friend. 

-

It was just the movies with Reggie , so Jughead didn't bother dressing up at all. Putting the barest of minimums into his appearance, as always. He just wore the exact same thing he had been at the mall. Long-sleeved S printed shirt, pants with holes on them, because they were old and worn and not because they were very fashionable, slip on sandals, ever present hat. He did add a vest for more pocket space, not that he needed to sneak any food in because Reggie was buying after all, but still. Extra pockets were always nice. 

He was significantly less nervous about this date, one because this time he knew it was a date ahead of time, and knew what to expect, and two he could sufficiently circumvent any romantic behavior with questions about the film. Perfect diversion. 

Also, from experience he knew they'd probably be some of the only people in the theater, and Reggie would subsequently be more distracted watching the film to do anything else, romantic or otherwise. It was the perfect not-date set up. Totally. 

'Oregon Summer Camp and the Lake Monsters from the Depths Below.’

The movie was one he'd seen a dozen times before and Reggie had seen about a hundred more times before. 

It was one of Reggie's all time favorite movies ever, starring the illustrious Vanessa Blaze, beloved b-movie scream queen of the 50s budget horror flicks.

Who was currently covered in someone else's blood, laughing maniacally, and violently wielding a machete into a poorly designed lake monster costume.

"She's so hot." Reggie dreamily sighed. 

She hacked away at its heart, viscera flying wildly around the screen. The thing stopped twitching and she stalked into the night, away from the monster that had attacked her. 

"Eh, if you say so." Jughead ate another handful of popcorn. He was almost out, but he still had half a feast to go through and the movie was only about part of the way through. Well, there was always more at the front. And Reggie was buying so he wasn't worried about the price. 

"Oh come on, there's no way you don't find her at least a bit attractive." Reggie gestured to the silver screen. 

Vanessa had slowly creaked open a cabin door, machete raised, only to find her best friend already dead. Blood pooling from her body as the girl lay on the floor in the center of the room. The weapon fell to the ground with a clank. She stumbled up to her and held her still warm body, cradling her bloody head. She softly kissed her forehead, red lipstick (or at least if it would have been if it wasn't a black and white film) leaving a mark on her, just like blood. She had been too late to save her. Crying out, she swore bloody vengeance on the monsters that had killed her. 

"I mean, I can appreciate, you know, her looks. Objectively I guess she's pretty, long hair, eyes and all, covered in blood, some very aesthetically pleasing asymmetry of the camera work, sure. But I don't really find her any more attractive than anyone else I guess." Jughead shrugged, “I dunno.”

A maniac gleam overtook Vanessa's eyes as she recklessly took her revenge out on the surrounding creatures outside the cabin. 

"You just don't get it," Reggie said, gesturing to the woman chopping and cleaving her way through a horde of sea monsters to get to the king, "She's a total knockout."

"No, I really don't get it. That's literally what I've been saying." He groaned. Was he even listening to him.

"God, I know this is going to make me sound. Just…like a hypocritical ass, but if you don't think she's just the hottest woman ever, then you must be gay," Reggie said, ignoring the fact that the two guys were on a presumably romantic date together, “or you know, something else.”

He scrunched his nose at the implication, well 'accusation' was more accurate. 

Straight, gay, whatever it is. It was all so difficult to quantify what he felt, when what he felt was more of a lack of feelings than anything. An absence.

"Ugh, I don't know." He slumped down in his seat. 

At one point he had thought he must be bisexual, seeing as how his attraction to everyone was exactly the same amount of nothing. Which is to say, equal parts absolutely nothing at all. At the time it had sort of made sense, but now he wasn't so sure. He just didn't have any preference either way. 

If anything, his preference was neither, but he didn't think that wasn't really a thing so.

"Well, you've gotta know something. Come on." Reggie prodded and goaded.

Jughead swatted Reggie away like the nasty little buggering fly he is. 

"I just don't really think about that kind of stuff, like ever." Jughead answered truthfully. 

"Eh, I used to be like that too, never letting myself think about guys in a certain way like that. All embarrassed and ashamed and stuff. But I sort of… got out of it, I guess. Figured, life's too short to not just go for it, you know?" Reggie said with a confident shrug. 

"Not really, no. I don't know. That's the whole point of this conversation. How much of this I just don't get." Yeah Reggie really isn't listening to him. 

“Okay, just look. See, what about this guy?" The presumably attractive male lifeguard was being held captive by the sea creatures. His surfer hair was all tousled, shirtless and he was brimming with fresh wounds. On his knees with his wrists and legs tied behind him. 

"Huh? Huh? What about that?" Reggie pointed emphatically at the guy.

"What about what?” Jughead looks at the screen, yeah he's seen this scene before, the guy is about to die and then the girl figures out the monster's weakness (getting stabbed) and saves him. 

In this scene, one of the monster costumes' back zipper is exposed, clear as day. Very hard not to notice that little detail. 

"Isn't that, like really hot?" Reggie was almost salivating. Gross. 

"I don't know! Why would it be?" Jughead was so tired of all these questions. 

"Just, like, think about it." Reggie groaned into his hands. 

Usually he didn't bother thinking much about it. What was the point. 

But recently he had been trying, really. And…nothing. Really, the only conclusion he could come to was that he just did not know what he felt at all. It was just nothing. 

The girl then slaughters her way through the monsters and rescues the guy. Quite a progressive plot for the time, honestly. 

But it wasn't shame or embarrassment he felt as the objectively hot girl and guy, both covered in blood, and monster viscera, and guts, made out on screen, it was just…nothing. 

Because it all just felt bad, or weird and squirmy, or not like anything in particular. 

"It's just, I don't feel anything at all like you do. Except maybe kind of grossed out when they kiss? Like ew wow, that's excessive and came totally out of nowhere." Jughead complained. 

"I mean, you've always been like that though. Ever since we were kids." Reggie pointed out. 

"I know!" Jughead exclaimed.

“Yeah, so? When is that going to change?” Reggie asked. 

“I-I don't know! Maybe never?” Jug mumbled. 

“Really?”

“I'm not like you Reggie, I don't want to sleep with someone just because they're hot. Or for any sort of reason, really. Like, even if they weren't, or whatever. I'd rather spend my time doing something useful instead, like I don't know. It's hard to explain." Jughead really tried to say it all but. It's a lot. 

"Oh, come on, you just haven't found the right person yet, it'll happen eventually." Reggie's attempt to reassure him fell on the completely wrong ears. He still didn't get it. 

"I sure hope not. I like not being bogged down by that stuff." Jughead rolls his eyes. 

"What stuff?" He blinked. 

"Like, how you guys get all romance crazy, like that's all you'll think or talk about!" Jughead is trying very hard not to shout so as not to interrupt the credit music score of the movie, but there's still no one but them in the movie theater. 

"We do not." He scoffed.

"Yeah, you do." He insisted. 

"No way."

"Honestly, at first I thought that the movies were sort of overplaying it for drama, the whole 'hormone crazed teenagers' trope, but then I see how you guys act around each other. And I wonder if I'm the only sane and normal one here who isn't thinking about love and sex 24/7." Whatever, he can yell there's no one else here anyways. 

"That's normal. That's what normal people feel."

"How?" Jughead asked, baffled by the concept. 

Reggie shrugged, "It just is."

"If that's what normal is, I don't want to be normal. I don't like it."

"I'll never understand you, Jones." He shook his head in disbelief.

"Likewise, Mantle." Jug agrees. 

-

He didn't understand when people said he was supposed to feel these strange and nebulous feelings for people. Like feeling like you wanted to kiss and have sex with someone because they were particularly attractive to you. 

Thinking about Betty like that , Reggie, anyone. He didn't like it very much. He didn't really want it. 

And maybe…maybe that was ok. 

-

So after the marginal disaster at the movies, Jughead walks over to Archie's to talk with him again. And ignores the slew of texts Betty and Ronnie send him. 

He really shouldn't ignore them but. 

He'll deal with all that later. 

“It's just. I've been having the same weird feelings with Reggie as with Betty.” Jughead complained, once he got to his house and told him all about the ‘date’. 

“Hmm I guess, if you feel the same way around Reggie as you do Betty, then that must mean…” Archie wrote something down in his little notebook. 

“What.” Jughead groaned.

“You also have a crush on Reggie?” Archie frowned in thought and scratched his head. 

“Arch, I do not have a crush on Reggie!” Jughead threw a pillow at Archie in indignation. 

“The facts don't lie. You feel like you do around him and Betty, yeah?” Archie asked.

“Yeah?” Jughead tilted his head at the question. He doesn't like where this is going. 

“So, there's your answer.” He tapped the notebook paper. 

“I don't know about it. That can't be right." He was really starting to doubt Archie's rock solid dating advice. 

“Hmm. You don't think so?” 

“No!” He exclaimed. 

“Well...” Arch ripped out the page and crumpled it up. 

“You're just insisting I have these weird crushes on people, when I just don't think I do.”

“Oh. Ok. Then what is it?”

“That's the thing, I don't know.” Jughead groaned into his hands. 

“Well, what do you feel? And I'll try to take the romance goggles off, maybe we can figure it out together.” Archie mimed taking goggles off. 

“More…like gross? Disgust? Kind of like to the left of the ‘yucky ew nasty’ when they get the captain hero lore wrong in an adaptation?” He wrung his hands in disgust. 

“So you feel icky?” He was writing it all down.

“Don't just write down everything I say!” Jughead said, “and I definitely wouldn't say that, and you shouldn't either. But yeah, icky.”

“And you really don't want to go out with either of them again?” He asked.

“Bleck. No. Definitely not.” Jug spat. 

“Wasn't it fun?” Archie frowned. 

“At first, sort of. But, a date is so different from just hanging out.” 

“Tell me about it. One is all romantic and stuff, the other is just being trapped in the friendzone.” He complained.

“Exaclty! And I like the friendzone! I like knowing what to expect when hanging out with friends, it's just…  going on a date with them, it's this whole thing. I want to be with them, but not like that.” He threw his hands up in an attempt at an explanation. 

“Huh. Like what?”

“The expectations . All the holding hands, and the kissing, and the lovey dovey mushy stuff!” Jug grabbed at his face. 

“That's what going on dates is about.” Archie pointed out. 

Jughead winced.

“To me it feels like… you know when someone puts nails on a chalkboard?”

“Egh.”

“Or when you grab a drink thinking it's water and it's not, it's like that.”

“Gross!”

“Exactly! Gross, or if you eat spoiled food, or like, just the worst things you can imagine, it feels like that.” He wiggled his fingers. 

“Ok, ok I get it. So it's… bad?” Archie pushed Jughead away. 

“Yeah. Really bad.” Jug flopped boneless on the floor. 

“And feels bad whenever you do any of the mushy stuff?”

“I guess? The kissing and hand holding, dates, all of it. It all just feels bad and wrong. And I don't want to do it anymore, not just because I'm terrible at it, I am, I just don't enjoy it. It's not fun for me. I don't want to do it.” He decided. 

“None of it? You don't like it at all? Not even a little tiny bit.”

“Well…ok I do like the free food. But no amount of free food is worth the hassle. There's gotta be easier ways to get free food from someone.” He mused. 

“So none?”

“Nope. I just don't even get those feelings like everyone else does. I don't get it. The crushes, the whole finding people attractive, the wanting to kiss and other intimate stuff with them.” 

“Like sex?”

“Yeah, like sex.”

“Huh. Yeah, that is pretty different.” Archie said. 

He shrugs, “It just doesn't make any sense to me, those things. It never has. I don't get what the big deal is with it all.”

“I guess, there isn't a big deal. Ok, so you don't want to date and you have weird gross feelings about it. What does that mean?” Archie has his pen against his cheek staring at the chicken scratch scribbles in his notebook. 

“It means I'm tired of talking about this and want to take a nap. I'm crashing here for the night, by the way.” He lifted himself off the floor and collapsed down onto the living room couch. 

“Ok,” Archie sits next to him, tossing the notebook aside for the moment, “wanna watch the third Captain Hero movie?”

“Duh, I always want to. It's the best one! I mean, it's not but I like it.”

So, they watched the third Captain Hero movie, and for a moment Jughead could forget about all this nasty valentine's business. 

Until he finally looked at his phone. It had been incessantly buzzing for a while. A dozen or so texts from Veronica.   

“Since you keep ignoring me Jones we're going out for brunch tomorrow and it's mandatory.”

Uh oh.