Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I watched as my father looked at the heap of bodies that were far beyond the hope of saving, typically these bodies would just have been burned together unprofessionally, but he had volunteered to pay respect to the loss of the young lives. It was the least he could do for those who fought for humanity.

A solemn looking man, with his head slightly bent over, which made his already shortened stature appear shorter nodded. “Thanks,” he said rather plainly.

“Thank you, sir, truly, I cannot imagine all that you have done for us.” My father said as he tried to convey gratitude, but knew it probably would not be too accepted, and it was not, in particular. As the man nodded it off.

My father was a mortician, and we had once lived in Wall Maria, before the fall, and were thankful to escape safely, but we gained a new appreciation for the scouts with it. My father, being a mortician, usually only worked alongside the elites who could afford elaborate funerals. The elites who disrespected the lives of the scouts who worked to avenge our home of Wall Maria. That is why my father decided to host a memorial service for the scouts. He wanted to properly cremate the recently lost bodies and support them in any way possible, and I found that insanely admirable.

I nodded at my father’s words that did not seem to affect the man. I recognized the man as captain Levi, humanity’s strongest. Levi seemed to be good at hiding his emotions, he was clearly hurting. Maybe strong in both his muscles and heart. It felt wrong to watch him feel that way. Something drew me to want to help him in any way possible, but those ways were few.

‘Would you like some tea, sir?” I asked in a sympathetic tone, while also trying to ensure that my tone was not dripping with an air of fake honey. Acknowledging that the man’s aura seemed rather sensical.

The man looked somewhat confused, while I awaited an answer and tried to seem as open and friendly as possible. His solemn stare was painful to see.

“Okay,” he said nonchalantly, so I went to brew.

I set the tray of tea and biscuits on my father’s coffee table in his meager office. I brought some more teacups as I took note of his fellow comrades who accompanied him here, and I walked back out.

“Sir, your tea is ready and inside, there is plenty for everyone with you.” I beamed softly, in hopes of trying to present myself in a way to show friendliness while also not being overbearing. I’m not sure, but I felt the need to present myself in a way to him.

He seemed a little annoyed at the unnecessariness of the affair, but looked to the tall blonde-haired man and greasy brown-haired woman with him and they came inside.

“Thank you,” The blonde-haired man said, trying to seem amicable and professional through the pain he must have been feeling. “Your father seems to be a formidable man. I appreciate his support of the scouts despite his usual clients being rather stiff.”

“Certainly, we appreciate you more than I can really express, you are needed. Thank you.” I smiled softly in hopes of speaking with propriety, aside from my usual shy self. I nodded, and then began to walk off to help my father.

“Tch, where are you going?” Captain Levi asked.

“I was just going to help my father.”

“Come back,” The woman said, smiling to show no harm.

“Um, okay.” Somewhat timid, but smiling, I sat across from the three.

“Are you going to say your name or what?” Levi asked, his gray eyes examining me with supposed curiosity but also indifference.

“I’m Carolyn, the mortician’s daughter, you?” I smiled despite the intense anxiety that came with trying to seem acceptable in their eyes, after all that they gave for humanity.

“Levi.”

“I am Erwin, commander of the Survey Corps.”

“I’m Hanji, nice to meet you, Carolyn.”

I nodded and beamed, not quite sure how continue the conversation, but I managed to stutter, “It is my pleasure,”

“So, not to make useless small talk, but what do you do, Carolyn, how old are you? And thank you for making us this tea, that was nice, it is better than the kind that Levi has Erwin order, what is it?” Hanji spoke with a bored curiosity and politeness. I felt kind of awkward but appreciated the comments.

“Oh, um, I am 20, I help my father with hosting funerals, but I am actually a nurse in training. The tea is also a mix of black and earl green, it is my favorite combination, so I thought it might be acceptable.”

I noticed that when Levi drank from his cup, he held the cup by the rim instead of the handle, it was rather unique. He seemed to scan me while drinking, with his intense gray eyes.

“A nurse, hm? We could use one of those in the scouts, are you interested?” Erwin asked politely and I blushed somewhat.

“Actually, I am. I truly admire the scouts and their sacrifice and have considered joining, however my mother passed when I was of recruiting age and I did not want to leave my father, so I never joined, but possibly.” I smiled softly, the scouts were noble, and I did not want to be a coward, I consider my heart to be of fire and capable of that. However, I am all that my father has.

“Geez Erwin, a bit pathetic, the woman is helping with a memorial service, and you just try to recruit her?” Hanji asked, somewhat amused.

They finished up their tea and left to go to their base and I prepared the flowers for the funeral. Joining the scouts. It appealed to me, but also was a bit frightening, but appealing. And also impossible, because I could not imagine abandoning my father.

—

The Next Day

The beautiful remains were cremated that night by my father and placed into individual urns. He wrote their names on each one and readied the service in the center of town. wore his nice black suit that he favored so often with his occupation, and I wore my black dress. We were ready and the scouts and citizens of our small town in Wall Rose poured into the area to pay respects to the fallen scouts. Erwin, Levi, Hanji and some other apparently high-ranking scouts in the front, but it was truthfully heart wrenching to see the few soldiers left.

My father spoke words of gratitude, Erwin spoke about his lost comrades and as he called each name and we placed the urn into the cart to be taken to the Survey Corps graveyard, and when it was over, my father had me sing.

I liked it.

I sang at most funerals, and this was no different, it was releasing and the tune smooth. I felt accomplished to open my lungs and spew out a precise high note and for my voice to sound buttery as I said words that people would hardly accept if it were not to a tune. I sang a love song that was frequented at funerals.

These lyrics heard a thousand times, just plush.

Then it was over, and I saw him look at me, surprised. Levi’s demeanor seemed shocked, so I approached him.

“Hi, Levi, are you, um, doing okay?”

“I’m fine… I-I didn’t know that you sang.”

I nodded. He had stuttered.

“It- it was, uh, good.” Levi said, seeming slightly flustered.

“Oh, um, thank you.” I was a bit shocked too now, he had complimented me. “I do it quite often, um…”

“You, uh, should.”

“Thanks,” I beamed politely.

“Thanks for the, uh, service, I thought it was- uh, a bit bullshit at first, but... It was nice.”

“I’m glad you liked it, then.”

“Carolyn! You sang really well! Do you want to go to the bar with us?” Hanji shouted.

Hanji’s energy was a bit shocking, but I guess you do just move on, anyways, and alcohol was sure to help. “Um, sure, thank you.”

—

So, I went to the bar with the scouts. My assumptions were right, they drank and sang to ease their burden, except for Levi, who sat in the corner with a cup of tea. Holding the cup by its rim.

Here’s to the lonely hearts and the ones that never change

Here’s to the failed starts and the song remains the same

We will carry on without their lonely hearts

A few drunken scouts sang, including Hanji as they held on and laughed with each other. Levi watched on, so I went to him.

“Thank you, really, Levi, for all that you have done. You’re quite heroic.” I said sincerely, seeing him blatantly but hiddenly suffer hurt my soul.

“Tch, I’m nobody’s hero.”

“You’re mine, truthfully, your bravery is outstanding. You’re a bit of a saviour.” I smirked a little, knowing my cheesiness was overwhelming, but I wanted to express it. Levi recognized it too and rolled his eyes with a hint of what almost seemed to be amusement.

From that moment, Levi and I started talking, while the other scouts kept growing drunker, Levi and I spoke, like the outcasts. We talked about a few things, neither one of us being extremely talkative, but neither of us quite ready to leave the conversation that may have started. He had a bit of a stutter. With each passing moment, I considered him. His personality. His soul. His heart that he gave. He seemed like the king of pain, yet he handled himself so bravely. He was truly noble and strong. He persevered through it all. And just like that, with each passing moment, I grew to admire Levi more. The night grew later, and I seemed to notice something in his eyes, that was not there before, a sparkle maybe.

“You know, Levi, I think I love you.” I said after a small laugh. It took me a moment to register what just flew out of my mouth spontaneously, and it took me a moment to catch myself and blush, waiting nervously for his reaction.

To my surprise, he blushed.

I didn’t know what to make of it.

“I-I, um….” Levi averted his eyes for a minute, which was odd, he spoke so assertively with his comrades. “I, uh, think I love you too.”

I may or may not have blushed harder at this comment.

Then the ritual awkward silence.

“Sorry,” I said awkwardly.

“Why?” He asked, appearing still embarrassed, but also somewhat confused.

“I made it awkward.”

“You just said the truth, do not regret it now.”

“I don’t.”

“Good.”

“Levi…?”

“Yeah?”

“I really think I love you.”

He blushed again, painfully embarrassed.

“We can’t be, uh, more than this.” He said somewhat plainly.

I looked down, knowing he could have been a little right, but I couldn’t help the way that I felt. I only had one shot of whiskey, so I knew what I was feeling was real.

“But…I cannot hide what’s on my mind.”

“I don’t want to leave you and I must as a scout. I could die at any time, and I can’t have a relationship because of that.” Levi said somewhat solemnly.

“I will await, dear.”

“You shouldn’t have to,” Levi said with a somberly.

“Love isn’t always fair, so let’s start living for today, please, Levi. I adore you.”

—

That night, when the drunken scouts had left the bar, Levi came with me, even if it was nothing, even if I never would see him again, I needed to hold him, to love him, he needed love, desperately. So, with my father asleep, he came into my room, and he held onto me tightly as I stroked his raven hair.

He needed the caress, he had so much pain within him, and always persevered, but tonight, he was vulnerable. He gave into my touch, and I held onto him and he held onto me tightly. In the quiet of my room. The feeling was like the song I sang at the service, the feeling was so pure and my love for him throbbed, he was amazing. He was brave, he was resilient and strong, and the ability to make him feel loved felt more blissful than I could ever scream.

A bleeding heart can conquer any crutch

—

“I love you.” Levi said as he got up to leave the next morning.

“I promise you that I will see you again.”

My father never knew. The night was innocent, but I’m sure that he would still not have been pleased as I was under his roof. The wound of our beating hearts was still fresh. Regrets haunted my head of what I could have said more to him, but he was gone for now, but I was determined to see him again, to be with him.

A patient of eternity, my crush

Chapter Text

And so, for a few months, Levi was attending to his duties as a scout. In and out of the walls, but he never could come to this part of Wall Rose for his duties. All I could do was smile through my work. Smiling because I was thinking of Levi, and I blushed.

“What are you blushing for?” My dad looked up from his work and smiled at me as I prepared my floral arrangement for an elite’s funeral one day.

“Nothing.” I said rather quickly, embarrassed that my father saw right through my expression.

“You’re not good at lying, you never were, who is it?” My father was now amused at my pitiful blush.

“Dad, it is really nothing I should be thinking of.” I looked into his eyes and beamed, the remnant of a blush still gracing my cheeks.

“So it is Captain Levi?” He smirked as he scratched our little gray cat’s ear.

The bastard.

“Yes, it’s Levi.” I turned back around to finish my arrangement while blushing profusely. How did he know?

“Hm,” My father continued filling out his paperwork as I finished the arrangement and began to leave to head to the local clinic for my job.

As I grabbed my bag, he put away his knives and pens from his earlier work, purposefully clanking them to grab my attention. I ignored him for a moment until he grew more aggressive with his shaking.

“Yes?” I turned around to face my giddy father with a blush and smirk that I tried to stifle.

“Are you going to tell me more about the man who you fell in love with?”

So with a bit of reluctance and a fierce blush, I told my father about Levi. All that I knew, and I may have ended up speaking about more than a daughter would typically tell her father, but my father was well suited to playing both the role of a mother and father to me. After the tragedy, he really stood up for me. I ended up being slightly late to work, but it was worth it. The entire day, the inevitable smirk of reminiscence of my night with Levi and the butterflies of the memories lingered and made my medical work difficult to complete.

I went to bed that night imagining that our arms were still intertwined.

Missing hotel beds, I feel your touch

I imagined that I still felt his warmth and could still tell him all that he needed to hear. This became routine for a few months. I promised him that I would see him again, so sometime, I wouldn’t have to just imagine.

However when I woke one morning, all dreams I had of a sweet romance were demolished and replaced with agony.

I suppose not right away, though.

The morning started off cool as the sun resurrected into the cloudy sky and I readied myself to head to the clinic as any other day. While simultaneously scheming some sort of endeavor in which I could see Levi soon. That was until I heard an uncanny knock that led my love dumb thoughts to be placed in abeyance.

“Hello, what may I do for you?” I said quickly, opening the door to reveal two MPs looking at me with a bit of disgust.

To be fair, I did live in a makeshift morgue.

“We came here for Mr. Sixx.” The shorter female one said with a bit of sneer upon seeing my cat curl at my feet. With an air of wariness, I stepped out of my home and onto the step, gently closing the door. I wanted to lie, I wanted to say that I did not know Mr. Sixx. Sadly, our home had a sign hanging above the door that was good, plain and simple:

Sixx- Mortician

The real question was why were the MPs here and wanting to see my father.

“Oh, he is with a family who recently lost a loved one, but I can help you, what is wrong?”

“What family? This is an urgent matter, miss.” The taller MP said, using the tactic in which he stared at my forehead to bring out insecurities. It didn’t work though.

“He did not say which family he was visiting.”

“When will he be back?”

“Hard to tell.”

“This is his residence?”

“That’s what the sign says.”

“And who are you?”

“I-”

My father opened the door and walked onto the porch with us before I could speak. My cheeks flushed when my bluff was ruined. I never trusted the MPs after seeing their blatant disrespect to the scouts, the scouts which had saved my father and I. Therefore the eeriness of seeing them here at our doorstep left me worried.

“What is going on here?” My father asked, a bit confused and almost frightened.

“Oh, you’re back, that was quick.” I flushed as my father raised his eyebrow.

“Mr. Sixx, you are legally required to attend a trial over an accusation of blasphemy to the government of Eldia and the releasing of information that was bound by a contract.”

“Carolyn, please go finish the arrangement, then you are free to go home.” My father bluffed as he waved me off to keep me out of this and began to close the door in order to keep me out of his conversation. I listened at the door, though.

“Mr. Sixx, you are accused of disclosing confidential information that you had learned from your clients’ families to the Scout Regiment while working alongside them to throw the memorial.” The taller MP said with conviction and a slight bit of annoyance.

“Tch, please, I am a former citizen of Wall Maria, I would be trusted with no information of value, you’re insane.” My father said, while I cringed at his fatal bluntness.

“Listen, sir, we don’t make the fucking rules, just come with us before we have to force you.” The shorter one said.

And like that they took my father.

And like that I decided that my job at the clinic didn’t matter so much anymore.

I followed around the corners watching as they marched my father into a federal building and I attempted to stay near the window in which I could see what they were doing, that is until they led him past the courtroom and down a separate hall out of view from my window.

__

“What went on between you and the scouts?” A gruff tall MP asked as Mr. Sixx shifted uncomfortably in his rope-bound chair.

“Nothing worth this.” He said rather coolly.

“And do you have information from them?” The man grasped his clamp, daunting Mr. Sixx with the threat of losing a nail.

“My vow is silent.”

“This can be considered blasphemy, which is another offense, in which case.” The MP clamped on the mortician’s fingernail and pulled, causing a gut-wrenching grunt from Mr. Sixx’s mouth. “Now will you start talking?”

“I’ll never give in.” He gasped.

Another fingernail off.

“You know, it is customary to start talking after one nail.” The MP said, annoyed.

“Ah, but we learn from all your hate.” Mr. Sixx shifted and winced, but remained strong. The fingernail was a small price.

“What does that mean?” The MP asked.

“We are lost in your mistakes, but the scouts will lead us out.”

Another fingernail off.

“Do you have a death wish, old man?”

“No, you’re just ready to crack bones with blind aggression.” His hand was drenched in crimson stains that he waved to the MP, as a sign of retaliation.

“Are you going to speak and relieve yourself of your sins against the government of Eldia?”

“No, I will revel in my sweet blasphemy.”

___

I couldn’t do anything but wait for my father to walk back out after he had passed the window. The doors weren’t for civilians and there were not any civilian doors, so I couldn’t go to check in on what was happening. However, I ended up waiting for the day. He never came out. And all of the MPs and nobles that walked out disregarded my pleas for answers. I tried for hours, but figured that possibly my father came out of the trial, and I was just oblivious to the fact. So, I went back home, crashing on my bed, thinking my father had done the same.

The next day I awoke to the sound of, once again, uncanny knocking on my door. I was still dressed in my dress and corset from yesterday, my hair was disheveled and my breath tasted awful, but I went for the door anyway.

“Carolyn,” The strong voice is what earned my attention first, the voice unique to Levi.

“Hm? What is it? What happened?” I yawned, then grew self-conscious of my dreadful appearance . “I missed you! Why are you here?” I asked slightly, taken off guard and sporadically, while seeing Hanji and Erwin speaking in the background as I smoothed a stray and staticy lock of hair.

“Your father, I’m sure you know, but he died. We’re not sure of what, but um…” Levi spoke with conviction and an air of sadness as though he had done this exact thing repeatedly.

At that moment I was pulled out of my tired and confused daze. That had happened. My father never came out of the federal building.

“He never came out—”

“Those filthy swine, tch.” Levi said, averting his eyes. After a moment that I stood there in pensive thought, Levi awkwardly reached out and set his hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry, Carolyn.”

I reached out and hugged the man with all of my strength— which was a small amount compared to Levi’s own.

Levi clearly didn’t usually like to be touched. I knew from our time together that he liked things pristinely clean. He was often stoic and sarcastic in his demeanor, but it was blatant that he cared more than he showed to everyone. And even though we weren’t in the privacy of my room, he held me, he protected me, as I came to the sudden realization and gently sobbed into his shoulder, his shoulder like a rock that supported me and comforted me.

“You’re not alone, Carolyn….. we’ll brave this storm.”

I squeezed him harder and bit my tongue. Feeling slightly embarrassed about my crying, considering the many losses that Levi had endured in his life.

“Let me join the scouts, please.” I croaked, straightening up and releasing my grip on my love.

“Brat… training is tough… and gory,”

“I’m not worried, it’s our destiny, my vow is true, and I must avenge my father and spend my life for you.”

“I guess you’re not that stupid, then, the MPs killed him.”

“Simply put, yes, so please, let me enlist.” I begged Levi.

“Clean up first, your breath smells like shit, brat.”

I laughed a little while being a bit embarrassed, and went to gather my few belongings and clean up.

___

And with that, I joined the Survey Corps.

“I’m sorry about all of this fuss, Levi.” I said while clutching his waist as we rode on his horse back to the Survey Corps Headquarters.

“Tch, don’t even.”

“A fuss is made of miles and travels… I appreciate you bringing me.” I said gently while slightly leaning on his muscular back. He acted bothered, but past his slightly chubby cheek I saw that he held the ghost of a smile on his face from our proximity. His cheeks really were adorable.

“OOoOOoOhHHhHHh, Leeeeeviiiii’s got a giiiirlllfriend!” Hanji taunted from the horse next to us.

“Shut it, shitty glasses.” Levi said nonchalantly and I couldn’t help but smirk a little despite the lingering bit of melancholy from learning of my father’s passing.

“Oh good luck with this one Carolyn, hope his attitude doesn’t drive you off, I think he could benefit from a bit of oxytocin.” Hanji winked while laughing loudly.

I looked to see Levi’s cherry red cheeks at her remark and found my cheeks become peachy and I almost laughed too.

“Section Commander, calm down.” Erwin called to Hanji which just made her laugh more like a little schoolkid who lived for mischief.

“I think he’s great as is.” I squeezed Levi’s waist a little bit to show some affection.

Hanji fake gagged then went on to make some short jokes about Levi and then rambled about something else and something and something else until we managed to reach headquarters.

“Carolyn, you were a nurse, right?” Erwin asked firmly.

“Yes, sir.”

“I’m not going to send you through typical training, then, you know a trade, but you will need to be accustomed to the physical demands of using ODM gear, are you okay with that?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Levi, can you teach her?”

“Tch, if the brat listens.” Brat. I liked that, he called me that before. It’s sweet.

“Ooooooh,” Hanji taunted ‘overhearing’ the conversation.

“Piss off, four eyes, she just has to learn so she doesn’t die right away.” Levi rolled his eyes, seeming slightly happier than before. “But first, you’re going to have to clean.

“Hahaha it’s done for you now, Carolyn, this is what determines his love for you, your days are numbered!” Hanji wheezed, slamming herself into the doorframe.

“Give me that, idiot.” Levi yanked a bottle of liquor from her hand. “How the fuck did she get this, Erwin?”

“I-I well… I give up.” Erwin shook his head.

_______

I was officially registered into the Survey Corps, so basically, my days really were numbered. At least hopefully my inevitable death would mean something. Perhaps my legacy would make a difference. Either way, none of that would matter if I couldn’t survive cleaning with Levi.

“I expect the best from you, brat.” Levi handed me a sanitary headscarf as he instructed me on how to properly sanitize the kitchen. “I don’t want a spot.”

So I got to work.

Normally I cleaned enough to make sure everything was clean constantly, but not so much so sterile and spotless, but I needed to make Levi happy.

After about an hour, the kitchen was sterile and my fingertips were nonexistent.

“Levi?”

He scanned the room and seemed moderately pleased until he reached the stove.

“What the fuck is this? Redo it, I’ll show you how.” He grabbed a cloth and started grinding the soot off of the edges of the stove. “Come here,” He took my hand in his and we scrubbed the soot off—together .

Maybe that was his version of romance, it was cute and unique to him, and reminded me that I wasn’t alone in this place.

“Now do you get it? Show me.” He stepped back and watched me as I used to motions that he taught me.

“Better?”

“Not quite,”

“I scrubbed off all of the soot.”

“Tch,”

“Are you–uh liking watching me like this?”

“Don’t be stupid, brat.” Levi shook his head in his typical fashion, but again, with that divine ghost of a smile.

“You are!” I gasped with a small laugh.

Finally he broke out into a bit of a smirk.

I shook my head, until I got the bright idea to commit suicide by flinging my drenched and sooty rag in Levi’s direction, just enough to sprinkle his cleaning-neck scarf with dark water.

He raised an eyebrow and a chill went through my spine, but I ended up raising my dimples, and before I could move an inch the bastard was already in my direction. It was a blur but then I felt a gush of cold water pour down my blouse front.

“You bastard!” I laughed.

“You started it, brat.” I saw him smirk a bit wider.

“Fine then, this is where it ends.” I lunged towards him, and with his agility, he could have dodged, but he didn’t. He let me jump on him with my drenched clothes. I hugged him fiercely and looked down into his eyes mischievously.

“Brat,”

“Shitty bastard,”

“Why do you have to be so damn tall?”

I rolled my eyes and Levi leaned in, then he kissed me. His lips were enchanting and simple. It was also a little awkward. I could tell that he had never kissed before and neither had I, well really, but honestly, that made it even more special. My burdens were lifted and it was relieving and comforting. I was taken prisoner in his lips and he held me so tightly it sent shivers down my spine.

“Levi,” I whispered between breaths.

One million years and I will say your name

“Carolyn, I- I love you.”

He leaned back in and we kissed again in our mutually soaked clothing, I didn’t ever want to let go.

I feel it, burning deep inside, a passion crime.

Chapter Text

We stayed that way for at least half an hour. Drenched. Dirty. But in bliss. That was until she walked in.

“LEEEVIII!!!!!!!!! WOW YOU REALLY WENT FOR IT, EH???” Hanji wheezed and giggled obnoxiously loud while observing our disheveled hair, damp and dirty clothes and scruffied headscarves. “THIS IS GREAT!!!!! WAIT UNTIL I TELL EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! ERWIN IS GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!” Hanji scurried out before Levi’s mouth- already open from shock- could even annunciate any words.

“Fuck…”

“We didn’t even… we should've though."

“Wait for the rumors, brat…”

“I guess I'm going to clean up from this.”

“Good idea.”

_______

I went to bathe then I got dressed in my simple dress. I assumed that my duties were done for the day because Levi would have probably told me otherwise, so I joined the others in the mess hall.

Hanji whistled obnoxiously and I begrudgingly came to sit next to her.

“What happened??” She asked giddily after gathering a small crowd of people.

“It isn’t your business, Hanji.” I sighed. “It’s nice to meet you all by the way, I’m Carolyn.”

Everyone slightly waved and greeted me back, but the only interesting thing about me was that I was caught doing something that looked rather suspicious with humanity’s strongest, who was usually stoic and reserved.

“Awwww, c’mon, Carolyn! Levi never loosens up, but he did for you, so tell us!” Hanji begged overdramatically. You couldn’t help but laugh a little at her contrived patheticness.

“Shitty glasses, leave her alone. It’s none of your business.” Levi pulled her by her neck collar and dragged her along the bench just enough so he could sit between us. He then flashed a small smirk in my direction before taking a sip of his tea. The gesture kind of brought the butterflies back up.

As I looked at his softened face, I couldn’t help but think about how my father used to talk to my mother, how they had this mutual underlying understanding of things together, and how much they valued each other.

As well as how devastated he was when she passed. How cruciating it was that my father was gone now. He was gone. Without even getting any last rites…or even a funeral. I didn’t even get to properly mourn him. Nor would I get to, for a while at least, since I had joined the scouts. The sinking pain in my stomach and numbness of my heart would have to be swallowed back for some time, the tears that started to emerge had to be pushed back. I couldn’t forget about my father though.

I was the last one to remember him.
I would remember his last goodbye.

“Ohhhhhhhh, Leviiiiii, I saw that!!!” Hanji started laughing, not bothering to adjust herself to give Levi some more space in her position.

Levi simply ignored her and my eyes traveled, allowing myself to smirk to see the loosely stunned reactions of everyone around.

I quietly finished eating and then— for effect, decided to gently peck Levi’s cheek before going back to my room. His complexion turned a bright red, but his facial expression remained the same.

I went back to my room, and cried.

I decided that it was a good idea to let out the tears before it distracted my ability to perform my new-found duties as a scout. Then, I crashed. When I woke up it was 3 in the morning. It was too late to try to crash again, so I cleaned up and started filling in paperwork, but as always, my easily distracted self decided that it was a good idea to take a break and walk around—10 minutes after I had started.

The stars were out. It was a luxury that was best experienced outside of Sina, simply because of the clearer skies. It seemed cliche, like something I would have read in one of the corny books that I borrowed from the librarian down the street from the morgue, but the clarity of the sky was calming. The indigo abyss made me think of the future, what was out there, and while it might have its cons, it was still hopeful, and my father would have wanted me to go on.

But…. he still deserved a funeral.

“Oi! Brat, what are you doing down there?”

I jumped, Levi’s voice was slightly soothing but it also left me spooked.

“Hold up, how did you know I was here?” All of the sudden I felt sticky, ugly and gross because of my tears, Levi didn’t need to see this.

“Tch, I was up and heard you leave your room.” Levi came to stand next to me, and hesitated, but grabbed my hand once I looked at him to show it was okay. He looked at the sky with me.

“Why are you up so late?”

“I could ask you the same,”

“I-I can’t usually sleep.”

“Oh…I’m sorry.”

“Tch, don’t be an idiot.”

I giggled a little at this, and hesitated a bit before deciding to slowly rest my head on his shoulder. He didn’t seem to mind, and gently adjusted his shoulder to succumb to my head.

“You… you okay?” Levi asked a bit awkwardly, but genuinely.

“Yeah…yeah.. I am, thank you…… what about you though?”

“Hm?”

“Are you okay, Levi?”

“Tch… you’re really an idiot tonight, hm, Carolyn? I’m fine.”

“Oh come on, don’t want to break your stoic mask?”

“Please, it’s harder than you think.” He scoffed.

“Hm, I’ll get there someday… you know, you’re not weak if you allow yourself to be vulnerable at times.” I told him with a few liquid pearls tiptoeing down my cheek.

“Hmph,”

“Don’t… you know I love you.” I leaned my face a little more into his shoulder, craving its muscular warmth.

“You know it is a little weird, brat, we hardly knew each other at first.”

“Yeah, well, maybe… but life is short, and it doesn’t take away from my emotions.”

“Alright then, I'll hang on every word you said.” Levi left me with that all too common ghost of a smirk.

We sat in silence and dwelled in each other’s company for a bit, or at least until the sting of cold that the young night brought washed over us.

“Okay, brat, go to your barracks.”

“Agh,” I grabbed his arm and pulled him back gently to lay with me in the crisp- overgrown grass. “This is way better.”

“Tch.” Levi had laid there for a few seconds until he sat back up looking back at me with his usual thin-lined mouth, but a fresh twinkle gracing his pupil. “Okay, enough of that then, duty.”

I shook my head while smirking, kissed him, and headed back to the barracks.

____

That’s how we lived for some time.

Yeah, there were rumors, it was entertaining for people to consider humanity’s strongest having a girlfriend. They were never confronted, we just peacefully lived our lives. We would simply be near each other, and that was enough. Though, we had spoken.

We had spoken about our fears.

Mainly, why we were doomed.

In the end, despite all that we felt, one of us would die. It was inevitable in the scouts.

It was also inevitable that the death would be my own, and I would leave Levi with more pain than he already held within his gated heart.

“Will the pain of losing one another be greater than the pain of not having loved one another?” I spoke to him with a gentle brush of the cheek.

“I just- I long for the time that passes, I long for my innocence.”

“I know, my love, but shall we live together at this beginning of the end?”

These bleeding hollow dials, this fuss

_____

The next day we ventured into notorious titan grounds, on the pathways of stones and gravel that led us out of the walls once more, the consistent clacking of horse hooves made the situation more eerie as it matched the beating of hearts. The intense fog smothering every structure added to the atmosphere, but truthfully, it was more calming than sunny days. Sunny days meant heat exhaustion and a stronger likelihood of death and a quicker rotting rate among fresh corpses.

“Oi brat, you’re not alone.” Levi grabbed my hair and made me look at him in his piercing gray eyes.

“We’ll brave this storm, Levi.”

“And face today.”

All for the sake of humanity we shall prevail.

_____

Levi was the one to metaphorically throw the first stone, in other words, he began the killing spree by effortlessly slaughtering a rather tricky abnormal.

The mission was simple: survey the area.

Easy enough.

Right?

Not with the swarm of abnormals, that we had lost many esteemed comrades to in what felt like a matter of bloody seconds. They were bleeders, my friends.

The battle became brainless as the fog continued to slather its silky sheets over our eyes, it was slash or die.

And the time I didn’t slash…..

The sky went black.

I felt regret.

“Levi, I love you!” I called out out with the last bit of life

Leaving the silent promise that I would see him again behind as well.

With that, I left, lonely among the dust and fog.

______

It was in the past.

Yet some regrets lingered in his saddened head, despite his wise unwillingness to admit it.

He had lost it all.

He had to carry on with no regrets.

But with a hand on our destiny he had to answer:

Who will save our destiny?

(This Is Where It Ends)