Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Regina hates Janis. This is one of the laws of the universe, as far as anyone at North Shore is concerned. The sky is blue, grass is green, and Regina hates Janis.

She’s a fucking freak with weird ass makeup and dumb grungy clothes and –

And and and

Regina could go on about Janis. Has talked about her in her crusade to make sure she stays at the bottom of the totem pole. She’s not sure how she was ever friends with her, honestly. (She ignores the part of her that’s still stuck in middle school, stuck in afternoons under the tree in Janis’ yard watching her learn to embroider and kissing her fingers when she inevitably pricked herself.)

That’s besides the point. Regina hates Janis. However, she can’t help but be impressed as Janis admits to trying to ruin her life. There’s a twitch of her lips that she can’t quite stop, the slightest trend toward a smile as she watches Janis air out her plan. She gets a hold of it, twists it into an unimpressed glare. But the slight smile. It was barely anything, barely a slip but Regina knows Janis caught it. Her eyes flash as she climbs down from the podium. She sneers at Regina, flips her off and ignores the expression that says, “See? We aren’t so different. You are the same as me, mean like me.”

She hadn’t known Janis had it in her, to be cruel like this. To be cruel like Regina . (In the part of her that she’s spent years repressing, she finds the vindictive behavior kind of hot. The spark of interest she usually feels around Aaron or Shane coming to life. She imagines the haughty sneers that have been aimed her way throughout the years and the spark swirls further into a flame. She crushes the thoughts, grinds them to dust beneath her Louboutin heels.)

(The thoughts refuse to disappear, though. She imagines pushing and prodding Janis into an argument, the way any venom spit from Janis’ lips would feel sweeter than a compliment from Aaron ever did. She thinks of digging in, of teeth and heat and anger, and the vicious freedom that would come from their mutual destruction.)

Janis stalks past her, and it takes everything in Regina to stop herself from leaning in and snapping her teeth at Janis just to see if she’ll still flinch. She’s supposed to be the victim here, so she just watches Janis, playing with her necklace in one hand while digging her nails into her side with the other, keeping herself under control.

Afterwards, Cady comes to find her, because of course she does. The girl never knows when to let things go.

She’s woman enough to admit that Cady’s betrayal hurts. It had been unexpected. Cady is so nice , pure and naïve and a slew of things Regina is not. Cady’s apology only makes Regina angrier. The ease that she’s able to say those words with, how little Cady has to fight herself as she tries to make amends. Apologies have never come easy to Regina. They’ve disappeared entirely with her rise to the top of the school food chain.

The argument with Cady stops Regina from thinking about Janis ‘Imi’ike and her mean streak. And then she can’t think about much of anything, all her problems pushed to the side, just like her body by the bus.

She wakes in the hospital. If you can call half-consciousness being awake. The world around her is fuzzy and too bright and loud. It’s easier to turn back to the darkness. Each time she regains consciousness, the world becomes clearer. The brightness of the hospital lights make it hard for her eyes to focus, and the haze of drugs from her IV makes her unsure of what is real.

One time when she wakes up, there’s a stranger in her room. Usually, the only person there is her mother, who’s almost constantly at her side when Regina is awake. Regina’s pretty sure she livestreams her visits, not that Regina is cognizant enough to care. Anyways - getting her brain on track is so hard now - there’s a stranger here. Not a nurse, as whoever it is isn’t wearing scrubs. Dark hair and equally dark clothing, they remind Regina of someone.

“You look like Janis,” Regina slurs, blearily trying to focus on them without opening her eyes anymore. (Why does light hurt so bad?) “Small.”

Through her hazy vision, she sees the person pull a face. She’s not sure what it means – can’t process the nuance of expression right now. But still, no one should make faces at Janis. Only Regina is allowed to do that.

“Janis is cool,” Regina defends. “She ruined my life.”

She might be crying. There’s something wet on her face but Regina honestly isn’t sure what her emotions are up to at any given point lately. It’s like there’s a wall between the different parts of herself. If she is crying, though, Regina definitely prefers the light floatiness to the sadness she must actually be feeling. It’s easier to deal with at least.

The Janis look alike takes a step back, like Regina had pushed her or something. But she’s stuck in this bed and can’t push anyone. She’s not fully sure if she can move most of her body. So it’s not her fault.

“Ghost push,” Regina murmurs, barely louder than a whisper.

Janis-adjacent doesn’t say anything.

Regina can feel her medicine kicking in again. Her consciousness slowly stripped away by the flood of chemicals. Maybe she imagined someone coming in. They would have said something by now, right? Maybe there’s no one actually standing there.

After all, “Janis wouldn’t visit me.”

She doesn’t know if her Janis hallucination replies, content to drift away on the tide.

Ok, look. Regina isn’t above admitting that dying for fifteen whole seconds made her reevaluate her approach to life (once she’s aware enough to do said evaluating). Maybe dying gave her a bit of a reset, especially when it came to long days in the hospital with hardly any visitors besides her mom and even longer PT sessions. (Gretchen and Karen visited once. Once . They had mostly kept their distance, though. Regina’s surprised by how much she misses them, how much their absence actually hurts.) Maybe it’d be worth it to try being a better person or some shit if it means she’d have company.

She’s getting used to being on her own, really she is. She’s started reading more, since that’s the only fucking thing she can do that doesn’t hurt her head. Well, hurt her head as much . TV screens and phones feel like knives to her delicate, still healing eyes, so she’s stuck with physical books her mom checks out of the library for her. (She’s looking forward to rereading some of the better books her mom has brought once she’s better. She’s not the best at keeping the plots separate with how scrambled her brain is right now.) The doctor said the light sensitivity should go away as she heals.

The first few days without her phone were hard (almost impossible) to get through, but now she’s almost used to being disconnected. It helps that she doesn’t want to know what everyone else is doing while she’s stuck here. She doesn’t want to know how easily people are moving on without her.

There’s an ache in her chest if she thinks about what she’s missing for too long. A bone deep loneliness that she’s unfamiliar with. In moments of weakness, which happen more often now, she wonders if this is how Janis felt after Regina ruined her, before she found Damian. She banishes those thoughts as quickly as they come, but the tears are harder to ignore.

Outside of her annoying emotional distress, Regina is in pain pretty much constantly. Even with the pain killers, she had broken her spine and a bunch of other bones. It hurts no matter what. She wishes her body could choose one type of pain, trade them off so some part of her feels relief at some point. Instead, the only time she feels okay is when she’s asleep.

A knock on the door accompanied by a quiet but familiar “Hi” tears her attention away from her book. Regina startles when she sees who it is.

“Cady?” she asks, stunned.

She wants to be mean. There’s still so much residual anger over what Cady did to her. She wants to snip and pick at her until Cady feels as shitty as Regina does. She’s tired, though, and can’t quite muster the ire she needs. Doesn’t even actually want to besides. Someone who’s not her mother is here – she doesn’t want to chase her away.

“I tried to text that I was coming, but you didn’t reply.” Cady plays with the hem of her shirt, still hovering in the doorway. “I wasn’t sure if you were ignoring me or-“

Regina cuts her off before she can continue – she doesn’t want to know what horrible reason Cady came up with for Regina ignoring her. “Come in. I wasn’t ignoring you. The doctor is limiting my phone time, and even then it fucking hurts to look at a screen for too long.”

Cady still hesitates to walk further inside. “I’m not staying long. I just wanted to check how you were.”

“Oh,” Regina says. She wishes the drugs dulled emotional pain too.

Cady winces. Regina realizes she may have said that out loud, but again, an upside to the drugs is that she can’t care too much. Regina’s lucky Cady came so soon after a dose, or this could be going much worse. But still.

“Sorry,” she says. “I’m on really good drugs.”

As though that isn’t obvious.

Cady doesn’t stay long, just like she said. She learns that Regina is well on the road to recovery and makes an excuse about having mathlete shit to do.

Regina is alone again and doesn’t bother trying to stop her tears. (She’s been crying so damn much . She’s over it.) She’s so horrible that even the nicest person, the person who (kinda) got her hit by a bus while trying to apologize, doesn’t even want to be around her.

So yeah, dying and then being alone in a hospital room for almost three weeks will make anyone reevaluate their behavior. Regina wants her friends back.

Although back implies that they were truly her friends in the first place, and she’s self-aware enough to know that she had minions more than anything. So. Regina wants to make friends. With her minions who she said were her friends but weren’t really because they’d actually visit if they were and they didn’t because Regina is horrible and she got hit by a bus and-

Anyways.

Regina has amends to make. Hopefully it goes well.

Chapter Text

Regina invited Gretchen and Karen over once she’s out of the hospital. They’re her closest friends - or they would be if Regina had friends - so it makes the most sense to start her amend-making with them. 

They actually agree to come over without Regina having to threaten or insult them, which is nice. It would have been weird to start the whole apology thing with a threat, but Regina has always been willing to do what she has to.

She waits for them to arrive, sitting at her kitchen table. It’s the best place to wait, she’s checked. With the whole being on crutches thing, sitting on the couch would mean taking a small eternity to reach the front door. Coming from the kitchen takes just long enough for the people waiting outside to get a little antsy without making Regina seem like she’s been waiting for them to get here. 

Her calm exterior has always relied on Regina knowing what works, having the perfect response to everything. Take too long for a comeback and you lose your chance and a bit of standing. Take too long to open the door, especially on crutches, and people will think you’re weak. It’s a mind game. Regina is good at mind games. 

The doorbell rings and Regina feels herself straighten. The anxiety she’s been feeling gets pushed to the side, her usual haughty expression sliding into place like a well worn glove. She makes her way to the door and pulls it open. Gretchen and Karen stand huddled together on her doorstep, and seeing them feels weird for some reason. Regina’s not used to feeling unsettled when Gretchen and Karen are around. It has her on the defensive. Remember, be real Regina, not a bitch.

“Let’s go upstairs,” she commands, already falling back to full plastic. It’s the exact opposite of how she wants to start this whole thing, but it’s too late now. 

They follow her meekly up the stairs, not rushing ahead of her even though Regina knows she’s taking for-fucking-ever to make it up. The crutches she has to rely on for the foreseeable future make going anywhere slower than she’s used to. 

When they finally make it up to her room, Regina stays standing as her hopefully to-be friends perch on her bed. 

“I’m,” Regina clenches her jaw. She’s uncomfortable, is what she is. Why can’t everyone just feel that she’s sorry and start being her friend? Why does she have to talk to them and apologize and work at it? Regina is very used to everything going her way. She goes to great lengths to make sure it does. The fact that this could blow up in her face has her nervous. 

She can’t exactly pace - stupid crutches. She does her best anyways, the uneven beat of her movements the only sound in her room. 

Gretchen and Karen watch her from their spots on her bed. They don’t try to rush her or prompt her into continuing. They’re too well trained for that. (The thought makes her wince.)

Get it over with, she thinks. Regina George isn’t a coward.

“I’m sorry, okay? I treated you both like shit even though you guys were like my fucking friends or whatever.”

“It’s okay, Regina,” Karen says. She says it with such ease, accepting the apology without thought. Regina knows she means it. Sweet, sweet Karen, whose heart is way too big for Regina to deserve. 

Gretchen looks less convinced, but she’s not cursing Regina out, so that’s probably a good sign. Could be because she’s still scared of Regina, but she’s choosing to see the bright side.

“It’s not okay, actually,” Regina responds. “It should’ve never been okay for me to treat you guys like I did. I was a bad friend, and I’m going to try to be better. I want to be your friend for real this time.”

She directs the final part of the statement to Gretchen, looking steadily into her eyes. She knows Gretchen pretty much worships the ground she walks on, that her behavior impacted her the most. 

The apology was uncomfortable. Worth it, though, if the uncertain happiness she can see on Gretchen’s face is any indication.

There’s enough of a silence that Regina starts getting uncomfortable, can feel her defenses raising as the urge to make a scathing comment gets harder to fight. 

Gretchen seems to come to some sort of conclusion because she launches herself off the mattress and wraps her arms around Regina. As much as Regina wants to enjoy what might be the first real hug she’s ever shared with Gretchen-

“Gretch, I just broke my back. Can you loosen up, maybe?”

Gretchen lets her go as though burned. “OMG, Regina, I’m so sorry.” There’s more than just being sorry, though. Regina knows fear, likes (liked? Jury’s still out on the rest of the population, but she doesn’t  like the slight flinch she notices as Gretchen pulls away) eliciting it in as many people as possible. She was maybe a little harsh when telling her to let go. Pain makes her crabby, but she knows that’s no excuse really. It’ll probably take her a while to actually get better at not being mean. 

“You’re fine, really. It just hurt. You can-” Regina takes a deep breath, steeling herself against the request she’s about to make. “You can hug me, just maybe keep it gentle?”

Like she’s approaching one of Cady’s precious lions, Gretchen steps back into Regina’s space and wraps her arms around Regina’s waist, barely applying any pressure. Regina wraps an arm around her shoulders. Catching Karen’s longing gaze on them, Regina rolls her eyes and motions her over.

“Fucking fine. Get over here.”

Karen squeals and jumps up, an equally gentle embrace wrapping around Regina’s other side. Hugs are nice. Regina might actually enjoy having real friends if it comes with regular hugs. 

After a minute, Regina reaches her hug quota and pulls away. “Thanks for, like, hearing me out or whatever,” she says.

“You’re our friend,” Karen states like it’s the answer to everything, like it can solve all their problems. 

“And you’re not, like, all bad,” Gretchen says, staring up at her as she references Regina’s earlier comment. “You were really good at making sure boys didn’t creep on us. And, like, you helped me with Jason and stuff.”

Regina wants to roll her eyes and make some comment about how Jason was a stupid boy who doesn’t deserve her and that Gretchen is almost as stupid for thinking he does. But that’s old Regina. And she’s trying to be better. 

“I’m going to take care of you,” she says like it’s obvious. “Even if that means having to deal with fucking Jason.”

Alright so trying is going just okay. She’s not sure she’s ever going to have anything nice to say about Jason, though. Hopefully Gretchen comes to her senses soon - Regina isn’t a saint and if she sees that boy again she might actually bite him. She’d be doing a service to the larger North Shore population, so maybe it’d still count as being good. 

Heavy emotional stuff over with, they chat quietly. Regina wants her friends to stay. Usually, their afternoon hangouts only last a few hours before Regina needs to be alone. Today, being alone is the last think Regina wants, and lounging around with her friends feels like the perfect balm to the damaged parts of her, to the Regina who sat alone for weeks with no one to truly talk to. 

“Gretchen?” Regina asks when they’re halfway through their movie. It’s been nice; she’s squished in the middle of her friends, cuddling. This is the first time this has happened - one day early on in their friendship, Gretchen had attempted to curl into her side and Regina had snapped at her so harshly Gretchen had cried. Regina prefers it this way over how it was before, with Regina sitting alone while Karen and Gretchen piled together on the other side of the couch. But no matter how comfortable she is, the fact remains that Regina is sore as hell, her last dose of medicine starting to fade. “Could you grab my medicine from the bathroom? Please?” she tacks on at the end.

Nice means asking and not demanding. Means using please even though she knows Gretchen won’t care either way.

Gretchen jumps up instantly, chirping, “Yes!” as she disappears into the bathroom.

She gets Regina a little paper cup of water too, and carefully helps Regina take the pill and settle into a better position for her back. 

This is the most help she’s gotten since she arrived home, her mother too used to her independence to even consider that her daughter might need consistent help since she was hit by a goddamn bus.

After they leave, Regina stands in the foyer. That went better than expected. The heaviness that she’s felt since spending all those days alone has started to lift, made just a bit lighter by the genuine smiles they had thrown her way as they waved goodbye. 

She feels good until she’s back in her room. Until she’s alone and standing in front of her mirror. 

She leans in as much as she’s able, steadily cataloging what flaws she can see. She hadn’t had the chance to lose the weight she gained from Cady and Janis’ plot. There’s a zit right near her hairline and her skin is so dry. (Her mom hadn’t thought to bring her skincare to the hospital for her. She brought her selfie ring light so she could make tik toks while Regina wasted away in a hospital bed, though. Trust her mom to bring the important stuff.) Regina thinks she can see the slightest wrinkle in the center of her forehead. 

She stares herself down, wishing she could see inside herself. She wants to be able to record all the flaws inside as easily as she does the ones on the outside.  Mean , she thinks. Vindictive, manipulative. A flash of Janis as she had stormed from the gym just before Regina got hit by a bus saying, “If you’re bad, I’ll say you’re bad.”

Regina is bad. Bad down to her core and she’s still not sure how to fix it, how to dig out the rotting parts of herself and become someone worthy of her friends. A tear tracks down her cheek and she clears her throat, trying to stop the swell of emotions.

Bad , she thinks again. Is that all I’ll ever be?

“Not all bad,” Gretchen had said. She hadn’t told Regina that she wasn’t bad at all. She had agreed that Regina was bad. It crushes Regina, as much as she knows that she should’ve expected it. But there’s hope, the implication in Gretchen’s words that there is something better in her. The question remains.  How long until she finds those good parts of herself? Will she be able to?

They get to Spring Fling late. Regina would like to say they were fashionably late, but with how many pictures her mother insisted on taking (of herself. And Shane – gross ), Regina knows they’ve crossed the line into proper lateness.

At least her meds have started to kick in. She insisted on being off her crutches for the dance. She’s Regina George and she has to show as little weakness, as little humanity, as possible. Sure, she’s trying to change and be better, but that doesn’t mean the larger North Shore student body gets to see it. 

She had been in pain during the pictures – Shane isn’t delicate on a good day, and her mother hadn’t seemed to care about Regina and her neck brace as she bulldozed her way into the photos – but over the course of the drive to the school, Regina had settled into the nice floating freedom her meds give her.

By the time they get into the gym, Regina is feeling good enough to smile at everyone.

She takes photos with Damian, who’s surprisingly funny as he makes sarcastic comments in her ear at some of the more…unfortunate student outfits and dancing that he sees as they pose. He’s also gentle, so careful with her even as he exists in her space and pulls at props she grabs. He doesn’t hurt her once. (Somewhere deep in her psyche, Regina is glad Janis has had someone this caring by her side.)

At one point, she escapes from the constant attention of the other students, hiding in a bathroom stall. This must be what losers feel like. Regina hates it. She walks out of the stall, deciding she prefers the hell of the hot gym over the stillness of the bathroom and the faint echo of shitty DJ remixes.

Cady is there. Good, she has to talk to her. Has things to say. Wants to try to fix it. She’s super floaty, and seeing her friend (despite said friend kind of ruining her life) makes her think of her talk with Gretchen and Karen. It might be nice to try to mend this bridge too, if she can keep it together for long enough. 

Cady keeps them on track as much as she can. Still, it’s not an apology. Apologies are still hard. But like, Cady is being nice and feels bad for screwing Regina over so she can acknowledge that she has to change. Cady apologizes. Regina tells her that she could’ve been Reginald. An even exchange. 

Cady knows her, as much as they worked to destroy each other. She knows what this talk means, what Regina is trying to get across. Still, it’s nice to qualify her words with the barrier of the drugs, to use them to hide the truth of herself. Regina hopes they can be friends, real friends, this time.

‘I like you,” she says. It feels easy, feels good. It feels like an olive branch, like an opportunity for better. 

Later, Regina does a very good job at catching the piece of crown Cady tosses to her (breaking the crown? If Regina could bring herself off her drug cloud she might be pissed), and if anyone says otherwise, they’re lying. 

It’s a relief to see Gretchen finally give Jason a proper piece of her mind. Regina catches her eye afterwards, giving her a wobbly thumbs up as she tries to show she’s proud of her.

At one point, Regina gets left alone at a table. Even with as many meds as she’s on, she still can’t stay standing for this long without regretting it. Shane is somewhere, though Regina is having a hard time giving a shit where, if she’s honest. At least he left her with a cup of punch. Not that Regina can drink it. Her stupid fucking neck brace is stopping her from reaching her arms high enough and she’s thirsty and tired and why is everything bad . She’s working herself close to tantrum mode, close to mean mode, when soft hands slowly pry the cup from her.

She looks up, meeting Janis’ eyes. Regina gapes a bit, not prepared to see her nemesis standing by her side. 

“I’ve got you,” Janis says, barely loud enough to hear over the music. 

Janis holds the cup to Regina’s lips, gentle and caring in a way Regina knows she doesn’t deserve. Her other hand lightly cups under Regina’s chin as she blinks blearily and drinks, keeping Regina from spilling on herself. Distantly, Regina is thankful for the action, but mostly she’s concentrating on how good the punch tastes. 

This is how Janis is different. They both can be mean and vindictive and cruel, but Janis is good at her core. Is nice and kind and more likely to offer a smile than a sneer. 

Regina wouldn’t have done this for Janis. She wouldn’t have allowed herself to get this close if their roles were reversed.

Later, when she revisits her memories of this night, Regina’s not sure if she imagined it. Because why would Janis do anything like it? But in this moment here and now, Regina swears that after Janis pulls the cup away, she brings her free hand up and swipes against the bottom of Regina’s lip, catching any stray liquid. Her thumb catches slightly on the fullness of Regina’s bottom lip, tugging at it. Regina’s mouth opens just slightly as she gazes up at Janis, trying to parse out the expression on Janis’ face as her brain works through the hazy delay of pain meds.

They make eye contact and Janis pulls away like she’s been burned.

Regina tells herself it’s the drugs that make her stop Janis from pulling away. The drugs making her nice, making her touchy. Regina’s not sure why she wants Janis to stay close. There’s something drawing her towards Janis, making her want the other girl close despite that being the opposite of what she wants any other day of the week. She tangles her fists in the hem of Janis’ jacket, pulls her closer until she’s almost sitting in Regina’s lap. She stops herself from burying her face in her side, but the urge is there.

Janis lets it happen, which soothes the needy dragon curled in Regina’s chest. She even pats Regina’s head, which feels very nice and distracts from the pounding pain that is Regina's constant companion.

The next week, Regina is back in school full time. Crutches and all. She had been in so much pain after Spring Fling that she decided it wasn’t worth it to seem untouchable. Can’t be the queen bee (if that’s even what she wants anymore) if she’s bedridden and unable to move. 

“Gretchen,” Regina says at lunch. “I’m so so happy you finally dropped Jason, but if I have to hang out with Kevin G and his weird ass rapping, I will literally kill myself. After I kill him.”

God he better not give her a stupid nickname. Regina doesn’t care how nice she’s supposed to be, she will make him hurt. 

Gretchen opens her mouth to respond, but Regina continues before she can. 

“I’m happy for you, really. I’m just kidding.” Mostly . Not that they hadn’t been cute dancing and flirting at the dance, but god Gretchen needs better taste in men. Or the boys at North Shore need to get better. Either way, Regina’s not sure she’ll ever be pleased by anyone Gretchen dates, but that’s not Gretchen’s problem and Regina figures she’s just going to have to deal.

The hurt look that had started to appear on Gretchen’s face disappears. They turn to lighter topics as they wait for their lunch table to fill up.

After the apology with Cady, Regina, Gretchen, and Karen slowly but steadily integrated into the rest of Cady’s friend group. Cady is the glue that holds them together. She is the life of their little group, but no matter how much she tries, there’s always a sense of awkwardness in the atmosphere during lunch. Like the universe is saying these two groups aren’t meant to mix but the sheer force of Cady’s will is making them, pulling the universe into the shape she wants. Which means Regina gets to spend her lunches with Aaron and Damian and fucking Janis , who barely even looks at her. 

Not that Regina is watching her or anything. She can’t really without making it obvious - her neck brace makes sure of that. She just thinks that after the whole Spring Fling… thing , that Janis would acknowledge her somehow. Look at me, she thinks sometimes. Do you even care that I’m here ? (She does nothing to try to fix it. She’s respecting Janis’ boundaries or whatever. It has nothing to do with her being scared of fixing things between them.)

But they sit at opposite ends of the table and sometimes Janis laughs at something Damian or Karen says and Regina gets a weird angry feeling in her chest. Janis barely reacts when she talks, doesn’t laugh along with everyone else when Regina makes a joke. She acts like Regina isn’t there, like there’s a ghost at the table who she can’t see. So it’s probably best that they don’t talk. Regina’s trying to be nice to everyone, and the unidentifiable emotion is making her want to raze the cafeteria to the ground. 

One weekend, everyone heads over to Gretchen’s. It’s finally warm enough to go swimming and everyone’s excited to break out their bathing suits and spend the afternoon playing around. 

Regina can’t exactly participate in most of the water games, but she’s not interested in them anyways. Her preference has always been to lounge and tan, and now no one can unexpectedly throw her in the water (she had wanted to kill Shane the last time he did that) since they might break her. 

Surprisingly, Janis also doesn’t seem too interested in swimming, keeping score of the many rounds of chicken their friends are playing and working on some art project. She’s sitting cross legged on the grass next to Regina’s chair, and it makes Regina feel nice, that she chose to sit close despite there being plenty of other spots to choose from.

“You were impressive,” Regina says, apropos of nothing and wanting to give Janis a compliment. 

Janis’ head snaps up and she looks at Regina, confused. “What?” 

It’s the first thing she’s said directly to Regina in weeks, and Regina wants to celebrate actually making her acknowledge Regina’s existence. She should play it cool, though. 

“Like during your apology or whatever,” Regina dismisses, waving a hand

You-” Janis looks incredulous. “ God you’re so fucking self-absorbed, Regina!”

What? “What?”

Janis laughs, a mad sound, nothing like the bright sound that rings through the cafeteria when someone cracks a joke and something Regina decides she is done with hearing aimed towards her.  “I didn’t apologize to you, you asshole.”

“Huh. Honestly, didn’t realize.” So maybe she had zoned out a bit when Janis was talking. She had moved on to Cady and Regina hadn’t cared about whatever their drama was. She just thought Janis had circled back to her whole apology thing. She cares now, kinda, if either of them wanted to, like, discuss it or something. She’d totally listen. ‘Cause she’s being a good friend now. But yeah, hadn’t paid attention and assumed that Janis was apologizing to her. 

“ Obviously ,” Janis hisses under her breath. 

This talk with Janis is not going the way Regina planned. Part of her almost wishes for the neck brace back, to be seen as small and weak so Janis will feel sorry for her again. She wants the crutch of her ailment to help smooth this relationship over. She knows that’s not good. She has to face this herself, clean up her own mess, and not rely on manipulation to fix things. 

She studies Janis, lingering on the way her shorts frame the softness of her stomach. Her eyes flick up to the black bikini top. Her brain goes fuzzy, and into the silence she says the first thing that comes to mind. 

“Well, are you going to apologize?” It’s the wrong thing to say. 

“Am I-” Janis stands up, brushing off her shorts. 

(They’re more rips than actual denim, so Regina isn’t sure why she bothers. Mean , she reminds herself. Trying to fix that. And absently, after: There’s grass on her thigh, I could brush it off for her and- )

Her totally appropriate and not at all strange thoughts are interrupted by Janis huffing once more. She stares down at Regina, brown eyes filled with a vitriol Regina thought they had moved past. 

“I knew you hadn’t changed. I knew it and no one believed me.” Janis had talked about her? Had mentioned her to the rest of their friends when she wasn’t around? It didn't sound like she had said anything good about Regina, but at least now she knows that Janis thinks about her, that she’s on Janis’ mind when she’s not around just like Janis is on hers. “You’re still the same selfish bitch you’ve always been. Me , apologizing to you ? Grow up, Regina.”

Which, ouch .

She storms away before Regina can even try to fix it. What is with them? Why can they never get it right? (Why can’t Regina get it right?) Regina can have civil conversations with everyone else, can apologize to everyone else. There’s just something about Janis that makes Regina unable to function. That makes her say the wrong thing no matter how hard she tries. She’s not sure why she requested an apology, Janis definitely deserves one more. But a vision of looking at herself in the mirror, pinching at her sides as she tries to shed her extra weight, pops into her head and she knows that Janis has things to apologize for too. 

Maybe they’re just destined to always hurt each other. 

Chapter Text

Regina regularly goes to PT. There are exercises she has to keep up with, stretches to do so her back doesn’t get worse. It’s a stupid two hours out of her week, plus however long actually doing the exercises takes.

Cady manages to be a bright side in all of it, though. The other girl goes with her more often than not, barring any mathlete practices or other nerd shit she gets up to. Regina loves her for it, not that she’ll tell her that. She’s never been one for casual I love you’s, and even the new and improved Regina finds the sentiment intimidating.

Cady tagging along saves Regina from having to go with her mother, who’s usually more interested in flirting with the therapist ( gross ) than actually listening to the different stretches Regina needs to do.

Cady takes actual notes . She asks questions that Regina would never have thought of and texts Regina regularly to make sure she’s actually doing what she’s supposed to. (She will show up at Regina’s place if she thinks Regina’s been slacking.)

However, the extended alone time does sometimes lead to conversations Regina would rather not have.

“What’s going on with you and Janis?” Cady asks one day in the waiting room.

Regina bristles a little. “What do you mean? Nothing’s going on.”

Cady sighs, rotating in her seat so she can look at Regina straight on. “It’s been super awkward at lunch, which is really saying something. Janis is acting like your end of the table has the plague, and you’ve barely stared at her once in the past like two weeks.”

“I-” Regina doesn’t know how to respond to that. She doesn’t stare at Janis (and if she does, she’s not obvious about it). She’s normal about her. “I don’t do that.”

“ Regina ,” Cady says in a tone that tells her that she’s focusing on the wrong part of the conversation.

Regina looks around the waiting room, hoping that the doctor will call her name so she doesn’t have to talk about it. She’s been doing so well with connecting with everyone. Admitting to a setback (is it even a setback if her and Janis never actually made up?) feels like a failure. Regina does not like to fail. But Cady has an expression on her face that shows she won’t let this go until she’s solved it.

“Fine.” Regina says as though it’s the hardest thing she’s ever done. “So maybe we argued a bit and now it’s weird.”

“What did you do?”

“Why does it have to be my fault? Maybe Janis did something.”

“Did she?” Cady’s voice is too knowing for Regina’s liking. It’s possible that she wasn’t the instigator. It’s happened before. Probably.

Regina’s too dignified to pout, but maybe she gets close. “No.”

Cady turns the full force of her puppy dog eyes on Regina. “I’m not going to ask what it’s about,” she pauses, face expectant as though waiting for Regina to spill the whole story. But the whole story is a reminder of everything that happened, and Regina doesn’t want to share it, doesn’t want to bring it up with Cady when everything has been so good so far. When she doesn’t say anything, Cady continues. “Could you try to fix it? I don’t want my friends arguing.”

“Fine.”

Regina will get to it. At some point. When talking to Janis doesn’t send her into a tailspin.

Regina is surprised to find out just how much she enjoys hanging out with Damian. She spent so long hating on him (by proxy of him being friends with Janis) that she just didn’t expect to like him, even once their friend groups merged.

Today, she’s meeting him at the mall. Karen and Gretchen have something else going on, and part of the whole ‘making friends’ thing probably means asking to hang out. She’s surprised he actually agreed to her late night text asking if he’d want to meet up. So here she is.

“I’m surprised you asked me to hang out,” Damian says when she finds him.

It startles a laugh out of Regina. “I had the same thought actually, I’m surprised you agreed to meet.”

Damian smiles and steps next to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. Just like at the dance, the action doesn’t jar her back.

“Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to focus on drama. I’m here to shop .”

Janis is his best friend. Regina knows he must have opinions on Regina and everything. She’s thankful he’s not going to bring them up, though. She wants to get to know him without everything messing with it.

“Couldn’t agree more.”

It’s a fun day. Damian has a keen eye for fashion, and they end up in a contest of who can design the better outfit for each other. And maybe Regina loses. It doesn’t feel like a loss when she gets a new outfit out of it. She’s also newly enraged at the lack of options for plus sized clothing, and Damian’s ensuing rant when she brings it up only makes it worse. (She carefully doesn’t think about the hours she’s spent looking in the mirror, judging her own body and finding herself fat. Tries not to consider the reality of her body and Damian’s side by side and what it means to judge herself the way she does. That can come later. The self-loathing is present all the same.)

After a while, her back starts to act up and they head to the food court so Regina can get off her feet. Conversation flows easily. Damian is funny, quick and smart. Near the end of the meal, though, the conversation starts to slow, and Regina can’t stop herself from addressing the small, Janis-shaped elephant in the room.

“Thank you for hanging out with me and giving me a chance even though Janis hates me,” Regina says in a rare moment of self-deprecation.

“Janis doesn’t hate you, Regina,” he rolls his eyes and mutters, “she feels something for you, but not hatred” under his breath. Louder, for Regina this time, he says, “If she really hated you, I would not give you the time of day, Imma be real.”

Regina’s not sure what the alternative to Janis hating her could be, especially with their history.

“That’s fair. I just can’t get it right when it comes to her.”

“You mean your little comment about her apologizing to you?” He waves his fork around in the air for emphasis.

Regina pushes her food around on her plate, not looking up at Damian. “She told you about that?”

“Bitch, I’m her best friend. Of course she did.”

“I don’t know why I can never say the right things.”

Damian hums, studying her as he finishes off his food. “Here’s the thing. When two people have strong feelings towards each other, sometimes talking is hard. Because it’s scary when you’re not sure if the other person is having the same strong feelings .”

What is he talking about ? “Janis isn’t scared of me, Damian. She hates me. No matter what you think.”

What other strong emotions are there?

Damian’s head thunks onto the table and he groans. Regina just blinks at the display, confused. After a moment (he holds the groan for a long time – he must have insane breath control, Regina notes absently), he sits up.

“I can see that this is a hopeless cause, but take it from me, girl. Janis does not hate you.”

Regina distinctly doesn’t believe him. “Whatever,” she says. “You know her best.”

“Damn straight. Or not so straight, in this case.”

He side eyes her as he says it, but Regina isn’t sure what he’s referencing and forces the conversation on. The rest of the day is good, and by the end of it Regina is genuinely glad to know Damian. He’s a good friend.

She gets Janis to talk to her. Makes some comment about a movie during lunch that has Janis jumping in to agree with her as half the table tries to protest. It’s a momentous occasion, and Regina can’t stop herself from staring in awe at Janis.

“What?” Janis snaps when she notices. The glare she aims at Regina feels a little less real.

“Nothing,” Regina says, wanting to smile but knowing Janis probably won’t take it well. “I’m just surprised you agree.”

Janis curls her lip, Regina’s eyes getting drawn to the motion and sticking. “Even the devil can be right sometimes, I guess.”

The urge to smile disappears. Regina sneers, looking down her nose at Janis as she opens her mouth to reply.

“ Anyways, ” Aaron cuts in. “I have news.”

The conversation moves on as they all congratulate Aaron on getting accepted into Northwestern. The tight feeling in Regina’s chest remains. It’s remnants of their mutual hatred, Regina tells herself. She wants to bite back at Janis because it’s familiar, not because she’s desperate for Janis to look at her, to feel all that passion directed her way.

Their friends have been experimenting with leaving Regina and Janis alone for short bursts of time. They’re trying to be slick about it, but none of their friends are particularly sneaky, so Regina figures both of them know what’s going on. They don’t discuss it, though, most of the time not even talking until everyone gets back.

“How did it feel?” Regina asks, breaking their truce of silence. They’re sitting under a tree in Regina’s yard while everyone else grabs snacks from inside. She doesn’t have to specify what she’s talking about. Janis knows, has always been on the same wavelength somehow.

“I didn’t enjoy it,” Janis spits, “Unlike you.”

(It had hurt Regina to ruin Janis’ life. Had hurt and hurt and hurt until she forced herself not to care anymore. Until everything good had been shoved down and being mean felt right . There hadn’t been any enjoyment in the original act, only fear and self-preservation and loathing.)

Regina doesn’t let any of that show on her face. Instead, she raises an eyebrow, looking over her sunglasses at Janis before huffing and tossing her hair, staring up into the tree. “Y’know, I can still tell when you’re lying, Jan ,” the emphasis of the nickname a reminder of how close they used to be, as though either of them could forget.

Janis, Regina can see from the corner of her eyes, puffs her cheeks out and lets out a whooshing breath. The ever-familiar glare gets aimed at the side of her head. Regina doesn’t look back, doesn’t let Janis know she sees.

“Fine. I liked it.” Regina lets smug vindication settle in her chest before Janis continues. “For a minute. It didn’t help anything, didn’t make me stop hurting. It didn’t make the pain any fucking better. And it started feeling really shitty, and only got worse when the whole bus thing happened. I don’t like being mean. I’m not mean.”

The ‘like you’ goes unsaid but lingers between them regardless. The pleased smugness that had been building vanishes in a second. Regina’s surprised by how much Janis’ words hurt. She knows this is where she should apologize. Where any other person would get down and grovel. Regina’s not ready, though. She hadn’t prepared to face the brokenness in Janis’ voice, the glimmer of tears that don’t quite fall.

Had she been so far gone that even her closest (ex) friend, the person who knew her better than anyone else, thought that that had been the real Regina? Can Janis not see that the plastic is a defense? And if Janis can’t tell, does that mean it’s who Regina really is? No , she thinks. I’ve changed. I’m different. Even if Janis is the only one who can’t see it.

“Janis,” she starts, not knowing where she’s going.

She’s saved from having to continue by the burst of sound that heralds the rest of the group’s return. The noise spreads like relief through her. She’s not sure what she would’ve done, how she would’ve responded, if the noise of Damian yelling about some Broadway show with Gretchen hadn’t cut through the tension.

Regina is not having a good day. Her mom finished the rest of the coffee, the shirt she was going to wear somehow ended up torn , and her back has been stiff since she got up. (She hadn’t been able to actually sit up. She ended up rolling off the side of her bed, managing to catch herself on her knees so she could push herself to standing. Not the greatest start to the day.)

She still stands tall as she moves through the North Shore halls. No one should be able to tell that she’s moments away from collapsing in a puddle of tears from her back. (Today is shaping up to be one of the unlucky days where even her meds can’t fully stop the pain.) The crowds may not part for her like they used to, but she still has enough power that it’s not hard to make her way through the throng to her locker.

Halfway through putting her books away, trying to figure out how to lift the heavy textbooks into her locker without worsening the pain that pulses with each beat of her heart, Gretchen pops up next to her. The sudden appearance makes Regina jump and jolt her back. She breathes through the pain, trying to ride the wave out when Gretchen grabs her arm and tugs her closer. It’s an action that she’s done before, but this time it sends fire spitting through the nerves of Regina’s back.

“Are you deficient?” She snaps, regretting the words the moment they leap from her mouth. She wipes a hand down her face, the other one reaching out to stop Gretchen from moving. “I’m sorry,” she says, taking deep breaths. “I swear I’m trying to be better.”

The pain finally fades into the background as much as possible, and she takes her hand away from her face, looking at Gretchen. The expression she was afraid of sits on Gretchen’s delicate features, the hint of fear in her eyes paired with a furrowed brow and slight pout.

“I’m in pain and a bitch and sometimes it’s easy to slip.” An explanation, one she hopes Gretchen doesn’t take as an excuse. “I really am sorry.”

The second apology seems to get through to her. Gretchen grins at her, closed mouth and small but better than nothing.

“It’s okay,” she says. “It was a dumb question anyways.”

Regina clarifies, saying, “It was more the tugging thing. My back is bad today and any sudden moves feel like shit.”

“Regina, I didn’t know, I’m so sorry.” Gretchen looks like she’s about to cry.

“Gretchen, seriously, it’s fine.” It’s more trouble than it’s worth to talk through the near constant pain she’s in lately. And to show she’s been changing, that she’s trying to grow and be better, she continues. “Y’know, you don’t have to say things are okay when they’re not. I was rude.”

Regina watches Gretchen look at her for a moment, jaw shifting back and forth like she’s worrying at something. Determination settles over her features and Regina wants to smile. There she goes , Regina thinks, seeing the strength finally settle into Gretchen’s posture. 

“What you said hurt my feelings,” Gretchen declares. “I know you’re in pain, but you could’ve told me to be gentle without yelling at me. You yell a lot and I don’t like it.”

Getting spoken to this way would’ve made Regina fume a couple months ago. Even now, her knee jerk reaction is to sneer and tear Gretchen down even more. She doesn’t, though. She asked for this after all.

After she goes quiet, Gretchen’s expression settles into something uneasy, like she’s not sure how Regina is going to react. Regina gives her a lopsided smile, pushing teasingly at her shoulder.

“There we go. How’d that feel?”

“Good. Scary, but good.” Gretchen takes the remaining textbooks and tucks them neatly onto the top shelf of Regina’s locker. She (carefully) links their arms together as Regina shuts her locker.

“I’m not that scary, am I?”

Gretchen reaches out with her free hand, patting Regina’s arm. “You kinda are.”

Regina sighs like she’s just so put out over the reveal. As if she hadn’t loved being head bitch, of being the person everyone was afraid to cross. “I guess there are worse things to be.”

Karen appears on Regina’s other side, ditsy smile on her face. “Like Reginald.”

Regina nods. “Yes, exact-” she cuts herself off, tilting her head. “Did Cady tell you about that?

“Yes,” Karen says. “You make a better Regina than Reginald.”

“Thank you, Karen.”

“It was so funny, Regina!” Gretchen chimes in, trying to make it better, maybe. “You can’t just expect Cady to keep it to herself.”

“I guess not,” Regina mutters to herself. “Anyways, Karen, you should congratulate Gretchen. She actually stood up to me today.”

“Omg! Heart eyes emoji. That’s so fetch, Gretchen. I’m proud of you,” Karen says, aiming a dazzling smile Gretchen’s way.

Regina makes special note of the way Gretchen stumbles through her answer, bright red blush across her cheeks and down her neck. Now that could be an interesting development, if it means what Regina thinks it does.

Janis strides into the one class her and Regina share. She’s wearing a black t-shirt that she’s cut holes into and embroidered and cropped – the artsy shit that Regina has never really appreciated before now. The cut of the shirt exposes flashes of skin and - Regina gulps, her mouth suddenly dry for some reason - fishnets along the curve of her hips. She’s in equally torn up high-waisted pants (more glimpses of fishnets under the denim. Is it hot in the classroom?) and her fingers are adorned in a plethora of silver rings.

“God, is that what art freaks wear now?” Regina sneers. It’s a knee-jerk reaction from before . Historically, Regina has preferred to use backhanded compliments to straight on insults. Smile at a girl, tell her she looks nice, make fun of her later. Rinse and repeat. Janis had always been the exception to that rule, facing Regina’s ire head on. Turns out, some habits are hard to break.

Janis startles as she sits in the seat next to Regina. (They may not be friends, but they’re not going to leave each other to the other neanderthals in the class.) 

“What the fuck?” Janis looks down at her outfit and back to Regina, insecurity and anger warring on her face.

“Sorry, I’m sorry. That was mean. You look hot, I’m just used to insulting people who aren’t Gretchen and Karen when they look good.”

“I look ho-” Janis cuts herself off and blinks at her. There’s the slightest bit of red creeping up her neck, and Regina feels bad about embarrassing her with the rude comment. “You insult people who look nice?”

Regina grimaces at her. “Yes?”

Janis snorts and rolls her eyes at Regina. “The more I learn about the intricacies of the plastics, the less I want to actually know.”

She turns her attention easily to the front of the classroom. Regina’s stuck, though. Her eyes keep drifting over to Janis. 

Janis is pretty, and she makes Regina’s head fuzzy and her stomach warm and-

Oh. Oh shit. Regina might- 

But that would be ridiculous. Regina’s not -

Janis is just objectively pretty. That’s all it is. Regina’s definitely straight and Janis isn’t so if Regina wanted she’d probably actually have a chance with her. Not that it matters. Because Regina likes men. And not Janis. Even though getting a smile out of Janis kind of makes Regina’s week.

It’s fine.  

Regina doesn’t have to deal with whatever realization she may or may not be coming to right now. She can force it into the depths of her psyche to never be dealt with again.

It’s official. Between her morning with Gretchen, the weirdness with Janis, and now this , Regina’s day is out to get her. 

She gets up wrong at the end of sixth period. Twists a little too much while getting out from under the desk and suddenly her back is on fire. Tears spring to her eyes, but she’s Regina George. She doesn’t show weakness. She grits her teeth against the pain and marches out of the room. She beelines to a lesser used bathroom. 

Alone, Regina grasps the edge of one of the sinks, bending and stretching out her back until she finds a position that lets her breathe, that doesn’t feel like a million hot prongs pushing into her fucking back. She gasps in relief, the sound coming out a bit jagged and edged with tears. She breathes through the waves of pain, wanting to sink to the floor. She’s a bit too conscious of the fact that she’s in a bathroom to allow herself that, but the urge is there nonetheless. 

She needs to grab her meds from her bag, which is on the floor by her feet, a distance that seems insurmountable at the moment. She’s found a position that’s almost comfortable, and she can’t make herself move away from the relief from the pain. 

The door opens and Regina wants to cry again, out of anger and the thought of anyone seeing her this vulnerable. 

“Regina?” The relief of hearing Janis’ voice wars with the loathing she feels at Janis seeing her like this. At least it’s her and not anyone else ( god she wishes it was anyone else - any one of their friends would’ve been better. She’s fine with them seeing her as weak, but she can’t have Janis thinking the same).

“Hi, Janis,” Regina says, sighing in resignation. She doesn’t try to move.

“Do you-” Regina hears Janis take a couple of steps closer, but she’s being careful as though Regina is a wild animal, dangerous when in pain. It’s not like she’s wrong. “Are you okay?”

No, Regina’s just in this dumbass position for fun . Because she enjoys it. 

“Does it look like -” She huffs, cutting herself off. She reminds herself it isn’t Janis’ fault. If she wants to be friends with Janis (or more, whispers the part of her she thought she shoved waywayway down), she needs to not take her frustration out on Janis. 

“No,” she says instead. “I’m in a whole lot of goddamn pain.”

“Did something happen? Did someone do something?”

 The second question makes Regina pause. Janis sounds almost angry on Regina’s behalf. Her tone implies that she’s halfway from storming the halls to find who did this to Regina. A surprising reaction, given that the only other times they’ve talked since Regina’s last big fumble were another argument and Regina insulting Janis to her face. 

“Got up wrong and tweaked my back.”

Janis sucks in a breath through her teeth and Regina can imagine the wince that’s on her face. Even after all these years, Regina knows all the nuances of Janis’ expressions. 

“Do you need help?” 

Regina lets one of her hands drop from where they’ve been clutching the edge of the sink. She motions to her bag. “My meds are in there. Can you just grab them for me? I can’t move right now.”

“Got it.” 

Janis springs into action. As she passes behind Regina so she can reach the bag, she brushes a hand lightly against the small of Regina’s back. The touch makes Regina twitch, not expecting it. She groans as her back spasms.

“Careful,” Janis soothes. 

Her hand presses down on her back once more, gentle enough not to hurt but enough pressure to be soothing. It’s the most casual contact they’ve had in years. Regina forgot how nice it was, how easily Janis reads the cues of her body. (In the secret part of her that won’t go away , Regina longs for the feeling of Janis’ hand on her bare skin. She wants the warmth of her skin, the slight catch of her calluses, without the barrier of Regina’s shirt in the way.)

A hand, adorned in chipped nail polish and bulky rings, enters Regina’s line of vision. It easily pops the clasp of her purse and fishes out the orange pill bottle. 

“How many?” Janis asks quietly. 

“I’ve gotta get through the rest of the day, so one.”

“You mean I won’t be seeing loopy Regina today?” Janis jokes. “I’m crushed.”

“I’m never going to live down Spring Fling, am I?”

“G, you cuddled me. I’m never going to let you forget it.”

The reminder of what she did sends blood rushing to her face and she’s thankful for the way her hair curtains off her face. She doesn’t need Janis seeing that she’s made Regina blush. 

“I’m sorry,” Regina whispers as she hears the sounds of pills being shaken out.

The sound stops abruptly - it feels like the air’s been sucked out of the room. 

“For what?” Janis asks, the barest shake along the edges of her words.

Regina knows she owes Janis a few apologies. She also knows Janis deserves whatever apologies Regina gives to be well thought out. So she’s not going to apologize for the big things. Instead, “For the apology thing. For not listening to you.”

Janis doesn’t say anything. A moment later, she’s handed the pill and the gentle hand is back on her body, this time coaxing her upright. Regina whines in pain, trying to resist. 

Janis shushes her, caring, soothing. “I know it hurts, ba-” she clears her throat. “I know it doesn’t feel good. You’ve gotta stand so you can take the pill, though.”

Earlier in class, Regina had been a bit distracted by Janis’ outfit to really take in the other girl’s makeup. As close as they’re standing now, she can’t miss it. Swirls of golden and deep green twirl across her skin, shimmering as it highlights the softness of Janis’ face. The look is marred by the furrow of worry between her brows, by the intense frown as she looks at Regina. The care Janis has for her makes Regina’s lip wobble. (Her emotions are more out of control when she hurts like this - at least that’s what she tells herself.) She has to look away, turning her attention to the pill in her hand so she doesn’t cry. 

(Janis cares and it feels nice and Regina kind of wants a hug.)

“Do you need water?” Janis’ thumb rubs at the curve of Regina’s hip. It makes her want to lean into the touch.

“Oh,” Regina says. “Yeah.” Her water bottle is in her locker because Mr. Stevens is a little bitch who doesn’t like hydrated children. She grimaces at the thought of having to drink the gross sink water.

“I’ve got you.” Janis pulls away and Regina pitifully longs for her to come back, feels emptier now that Janis isn’t hovering in her space. “Here, use mine.”

The white bottle is very Janis, from the variety of stickers to the sharpie doodles that cover every inch of blank space.

Shame creeps up her neck as Regina holds the bottle back out. “I can’t open it,” she says quietly. “It’d hurt my back.”

She can’t even open a fucking water bottle, the action of twisting the cap would strain her muscles too much when she’s in pain like this. Pathetic.  

“I didn’t even think about that. No worries.”

There’s not one trace of judgement on Janis’ face as she opens the bottle and passes it back. Regina takes her pill and whispers a thank you. Janis just smiles.

“How long until it kicks in?” she asks as the bell rings. The noise from the hall slowly dies down.

“Fifteen if I’m lucky, but probably half an hour to forty-five.” That is, if it even manages to work. 

Janis hums and scoops up Regina’s purse. She wraps an arm around Regina’s waist and turns them towards the door.

“Let’s get you to class.”

Is she - is Janis going to walk her to class? The thought makes her blush. (Is she embarrassed? Why is she blushing?) The only other time she’s ever been walked to class is by Aaron while they were still dating. Regina’s not sure why that thought is relevant right now.

“You don’t have to do that,” Regina says. “I can do it on my own.”

(She’s not weak. She’s not an invalid. She can do things by herself.)

Janis must pick up on something in her voice because she glances up at Regina and sticks her tongue out teasingly. “Who said I’m doing this for you? I’m already late to class, and this way I can probably convince Mrs. Norbury to give me a pass since I helped the local invalid to class.”

Janis knows what class I have? Regina thinks. She’s not sure she knows Janis’ schedule like that. She’s not even sure if she knows Gretchen and Karen’s schedules in that much detail, and they’re her best friends.

Regina laughs, letting Janis usher her out of the bathroom. She’s glad no one’s in the hall - being helped to class because she’s in too much pain is not something she wants people to see. 

“Selfish motives,” Regina teases back. “I see how it is. Using my injury for your own personal gain.”

It feels like old times. Regina wishes she could stay in this moment forever (without the pain, maybe).

She knows things aren’t fixed between them. It’ll take more than a single apology and a few jokes to mend the bridges they’ve burned, but Regina likes this start.

Chapter Text

Summer is creeping closer and closer, which means the entire student body forgets how to act. Regina might not be the apex predator anymore, but it should still be common knowledge that no one messes with her friends.

Someone knocks Cady into a locker. It’s purposeful. Regina watches him step into Cady’s space, knock her shoulder with his, and laugh as Cady stumbles, almost dropping the books she holds. Regina sees red, feels plastic again as she whirls on the boy. She comes to still snarling, Cady holding her arm and the stupid jock cowering his way down the hall.

Regina straightens, Cady’s hand falling away as she does. Cady doesn’t look happy with her when Regina turns to her.  Straightening her own shirt, Regina takes a deep breath and checks Cady over, hand brushing invisible lint off her shoulder, wanting to comfort and not knowing how. “You okay?”

“You didn’t have to do that, Regina,” she says, eyeing Regina like she’s a dangerous dog who got off its leash. “I’m fine.”

Regina tosses her hair, acts unaffected even though she hates that Cady is acting like she’s back to her old self. “He shoved you into a locker. I wasn’t going to let anyone think that was okay.”

She rolls her eyes and steps away from Cady. She doesn’t wait to see if Cady will respond, leaving her behind as she heads to physics.

Regina had done something good. She stood up for her friend. But Cady had hurt her feelings, treated Regina like she was going to explode because she maybe lapsed back to her old behavior. It was for a good reason. Regina doesn’t understand why it matters so much.

Regina sits down at lunch, looking dismally at the sad piece of cardboard that the school passes off as pizza as she longs for some cheese fries. Maybe she should just not eat. She needs to lose the weight anyways and –

Karen interrupts Regina’s spiraling thoughts, sliding over a delicious looking container of stir-fried veggies and chicken. “I packed too much,” she pouts. “I thought the package said for one, but it’s for one family. Can you help me?”

Regina just blinks at her for a moment before nodding. “Uh, sure. Anything to not have to eat this gross pizza.”

Karen smiles at her, scooping food onto an empty section of Regina’s plate. Regina gets the feeling she just got played. Karen has always been more perceptive than people think, but Regina’s impressed that she even noticed Regina waffling over whether or not to eat. (She kind of wants to cry. Karen cares so much, and Regina is only just now recognizing that. She handles Regina like an expert, flitting around her moods like it’s nothing. Regina doesn’t know how to thank her.)

As everyone else (minus Cady and Janis, who always have plans at the beginning of lunch. Something that definitely doesn’t bother Regina. Why would she care that Cady spends one on one time with Janis?) settles around them, Regina notices that it’s quiet at the table, oddly so. Looking up, Regina sees everyone staring at her.

“I heard you, like, totally shoved Tommy into some lockers,” Karen says, wide eyes fixed on Regina’s face. She’s slowly raising her fork towards her own face, and Regina doesn’t want to wait to see what she’s planning to do with it, reaching out and lowering the girl’s hand back towards her food.

“Seriously?” she asks, looking around the table.

“I mean, I heard that you kicked him in the dick and told him you hoped he could taste it,” Damian says, smirking at her.

Gretchen says, “It’s all over school, Regina. Everyone’s talking about the return of the apex predator.”

Regina pushes her food away and groans, slumping forward and resting her forehead on her arms.

Muffled, she says, “He knocked Cady into some lockers. I went off on him. It’s not a big deal, oh my god.”

“Regina went mean again, it is a big deal, girl.” Damian pats her shoulder, as if that combined with his words is supposed to make it better . “So, what did you do? Which rumor got it right?”

“I’m not a mean girl,” Regina says, ignoring his second question and turning her head so she can see him. Tell me I’m not, she thinks. Tell me I’ve changed, that I’m good that I’m worth this forgiveness you all offer in spades.

Karen, once again knowing exactly what Regina needs, reaches across the table and takes Regina’s hand. “You’re like a knight,” she says brightly. “Taking care of us! With violence!”

A protector. Regina kind of likes the sound of it, even though the knight comparison is nerdy as hell. She took care of Cady. The confirmation that she did the right thing warms Regina, makes it easier to fight the roiling doubt in herself that being called mean had brought.

“Thanks,” says Regina, flipping her hand over so she can hold Karen’s properly.

As she sits up, Cady and Janis approach the table. Regina turns towards them. Cady gives her a small smile, Regina barely returning it as she watches her sit next to Gretchen. Janis has an odd expression, a tiny frown on her face as she looks at something on the table. Karen drops Regina’s hand suddenly, making Regina look away from Janis. Nothing looks wrong, Karen smiling at her as she goes back to the container of food between them.

“Budge over,” Janis says, already moving to sit in the space Regina still occupies.

Whatever weird mood she was in has disappeared. It’s been nice, lately, between them. Or, more accurately, it’s been quiet. They don’t talk much, but some of the animosity has faded. This is the first time Janis has sat next to her at lunch, though.

“God, bossy much?” she can’t help but snark.

Incredulous, Janis says, “You’re calling me bossy?”

Damian snorts and Regina fights down a smile. “Ugh, whatever.”

She rolls her eyes and moves over, acting very put out. The table they sit at is cramped on a good day, and Janis ends up pressed close to Regina’s side. Their elbows bump as they try to get comfortable. Janis is warm. Or maybe Regina is? She’s warm and Janis smells good and her hair looks soft. Janis’ thigh is pressed up against hers and she shouldn’t be noticing these things. She doesn’t with Cady and Gretchen and Karen, so why now? What’s been going on with her lately?

She zones back into the conversation at the table when Damian leans over the table to look at Cady.

“You were there,” Damian says. “People are saying you got punched, though Regina told us what actually happened. Getting pushed into a locker is not nearly as exciting, I have to admit. Anyways, can you tell us what Regina did? She won’t say.”

Cady studies Regina, who glances at her before turning back to her food. She’s still a little pissed at the other girl for getting mad at her.

“She told him his mother shouldn’t have slept with the pool boy because then no one would have to deal with his chlorine brain. She said some other stuff but that was the biggest thing.”

Janis muffles a laugh, hiding her face behind her hands. Regina’s lip twitches, wanting to smile but knowing it’s not the time, especially since Cady still doesn’t seem too pleased with her. She looks at Janis out of the corner of her eye, having to look away again when they make eye contact and the urge to laugh gets almost unbearable.

The rest of lunch is good. Regina likes having friends.

Regina and Cady have a free period after lunch. Regina’s fully ready to head to her locker by herself and continue existing in the weird energy between her and Cady, but Cady seems to have other ideas. She follows Regina out of the lunch room, following her quietly to her lockers and then to the library. 

“Can we talk?” she asks after long enough that Regina thought they were just going to ignore the issue. 

“Sure, yeah,” Regina says, cause what else is she going to do? Say no?

“Well first, thank you for talking to Janis. Things are much less awkward at lunch now. It’s nice to see you guys making progress!”

God, she’s so earnest. The old Regina would’ve scoffed at her, and Regina still gets that urge now. The genuine pride and general sappiness still makes her want to curl her lip and say ‘gross.’

“Yeah, couldn’t have lunch being awkward anymore,” Regina deadpans instead of saying something real. Instead of telling Cady how the apology slipped out, how Janis was gentle with her and Regina couldn’t stop the word from falling from her mouth. How existing with Janis in that bathroom was the closest to content she’s felt since middle school. 

They lapse back into silence. Regina’s not going to talk about this morning unless Cady brings it up. She’s not going to beg for an apology. That’s tacky.

“I’m sorry about this morning,” Cady blurts. “I handled it badly. I should have thanked you for standing up for me. It brought back memories from earlier in the year, though. And I didn’t like that.”

Regina wishes she had Cady’s capacity for talking through her feelings. Regina should move to Africa. Maybe she could get the lions to help her accept her feelings or whatever the fuck they did to Cady. 

“It,” Regina hesitates, grits out, “You hurt my feelings. I was helping, and you acted like I was back to being public enemy number one.”

“I just,” Cady hesitates. “I think maybe you don’t have to use insults and being scary to help? All I kind of wanted was for you to make sure I was okay. I didn’t care about that guy.”

Listening and learning, but, “He shouldn’t think acting like that is okay, though.”

Cady sighs. “Sure, but he shouldn’t be your focus. I should. I wanted my friend to check on me and instead I had to hold her back from punting someone across the hall.”

How did this loop around from Cady apologizing to Regina being told off (again)?

“You’re still acting like I did something wrong,” Regina protests. “I did check on you.”

Cady looks at her. Sighs. “Regina-” she shakes her head. “Okay. Thank you for looking out for me.”

It doesn’t feel like anything’s been fixed. Regina’s not sure what to do. 

Regina is finishing up in the bathroom when the door bangs open and she hears two girls step in. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing to give Regina pause until they start talking. 

“Ugh, Janis sat next to me in class today,” one girl says.

“What a freak,” her friend replies.

Regina’s hand shoots to the lock, ready to burst out and stop them when they continue.

“God, I can’t believe Regina is hanging out with that pyro-dyke and her gay as hell friend. Talk about a downfall.”

“I know right? Regina and the loser patrol are such jokes. And she still has the audacity to act like she still rules the school.”

“Like, as if.”

“No wonder no one’s scared of her anymore.”

“Do you think they’re hanging out because Regina’s gay too?”

Regina presses a hand against her mouth to stifle the gasp that wants to come out. Her breathing is already shaky, the walls of the stall feeling like they’re closing in on her. People think that? She should storm out there, give them a reason to be scared of her. She can’t make herself move, though, the words hitting close to home and paralyzing her.

“God, gross. She probably is - she was sitting so close to Janis at lunch. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was contagious.”

The girls make a couple more comments before vacating the bathroom. Regina waits a few moments before tumbling out of the stall, desperate to escape the small space.

They were talking about her. Saying those things about her. It hurtshurtshurts and she needs to do something. Regina doesn’t get gossiped about. She rules the school. And sure, that might have changed a bit since the bus incident but she’s still powerful, still feared. Except she’s not. And they- they had- they talked about her like she was disgusting. Like her friends were disgusting. They had grouped her in with them, acted like she wasn’t Regina George, like she didn’t set the trends at this goddamn school. What if they told people? How many people are talking about her? How-

Deep breaths. She needs to – Regina can’t-

The walls feel like they’re closing in on her. Too many thoughts. She needs air.

People don’t actually think that, right? Regina can’t be- can’t be that. She’s straight and perfect and the good daughter her father wants her to be no matter how torn up inside Janis makes her feel. It’s guilt it’s the fact that she’s sorry it’s not that-

She gets good grades and dates boys and-

And her dad is home now. What if it gets back to him? What if he says something, does something? Regina doesn’t want to hear what he has to say about her friends. Doesn’t want to make him mad by not socializing with the right people. Doesn’t want to see his face when he hears that Regina might be- 

‘Disgusting,’ her father’s voice echoes in her head. ‘Abomination. Unnatural. No child of mine will grow up that way. I’ll make sure of it.’

Regina can’t think-

It’s just fearfearfearfear and an animal feeling she thought she had left in sixth grade.

She has to protect herself protect her image can’t let people see that she’s vulnerable that she could be something real instead of a status symbol-

(A bottle and soft lips against hers, the gasps and hoots of bystanders reminding Regina that there are people watching. Euphoria and no it’s not - and then-)

Contagious. Janis. Hanging out with Janis is confusing her (deep down she knows she’s lying to herself. It doesn’t matter. Not here, not now) because she’s normal. It’s Janis making her feel this way, something Janis is doing because Regina is a good daughter and she’s strong and doesn’t panic like this it must be something else, someone else causing all these feelings-

She’s in the hall. Regina’s not really sure when she left the bathroom. But it’s passing period and the girls she heard talking are nowhere to be seen. Act normal, she hisses to herself. Act like you didn’t just have some weird ass breakdown in the bathroom. You’re the apex predator, and no one can forget it.

“Hey, you good?” Janis is smiling, expression bright and teasing as she appears at Regina’s side. She places a hand on Regina’s arm; there’s a slight look in her eyes like she can tell something’s wrong but doesn’t want to make it a big deal. Regina’s eyes dart from her to the crowd and back again. The halls are crowded everyone is looking and watching Janis touch her watching them be friends and it’s going to spread and Regina can’t have that.

She wrenches her arm out of Janis’ grasp. Oh no, don’t- “God, get away from me, you fucking art freak dyke.” Nonono stop. “Still so obsessed with me. I gave you a chance because of Cady, but I can see nothing’s changed.”

Why is she like this? I can’t stop. Someone make me stop. She just keeps going. Take it back take it back take it back . Making it worse and worse as the words keep dripping from her mouth, an oil slick disaster. She can see the tears in Janis’ eyes. Flashes back to sixth grade, to seeing those tears actually spill. This time they don’t. Regina watches, plastic sneer painted on her face when all she wants to do is cry, as Janis swallows them back and sets her jaw. She’s never seen Janis look so cold. It’s like a switch flipped inside her, any trace of the concern when she walked up to Regina wiped from existence. 

Please, she wants to plead. Please stop me please don’t let me ruin this please know that this is about me and not you.

“Plastic all the way through.”

It’s all Janis says.

She leaves Regina standing in the hall. Regina wants to pull her back, wants to drop to her knees and plead for Janis not to leave her. Wants to push her away more wants to scream wants Janis to hurt her back, to make it even.

Regina maintains her image. Maintains the apex predator title she's reclaimed. She acts unaffected and spins, making her way in the opposite direction when everything in her wants to follow Janis. She retreats to her car, peels out of the parking lot with squealing tires. No destination in mind. Just the driving urge to get out .

She stops in the parking lot of some random gas station when her vision gets too blurred from tears. The second she’s in park, she curls in her seat as much as she can. Her hands come up and press against her mouth, containing the sobs that rip from her chest. Crying is a weakness she hardly ever affords herself, but there’s no stopping it. She doesn’t know how long it takes before she’s able to breathe without tears coming with it. 

Why is she like this? She ruined her chance at friendship with Janis, someone she’s missed like a phantom limb since she lost her, over what? The opinion of two girls she doesn’t know? To stay in the good graces of people who don’t care about her at all? Why do their opinions matter so much? Why can’t she turn it off?

She texts Janis ‘i didn’t mean it please i didn’t mean it.’

The message doesn’t get delivered.

She texts Damian ‘I ruined it I’m sorry I’ll fix it.’

He reads it and doesn’t reply.

Chapter Text

Regina avoids her friends. She gets to school just as the bell rings, goes to her locker only when absolutely necessary, doesn’t go to the cafeteria for lunch. Anything she can think of to separate herself from them.

It’s hard at first (at first – as though it’s stopped being difficult since she started). Her friends (the two she has left) try not to let her get away with it. Gretchen and Karen wait at her locker sometimes – she catches glimpses of them as she ducks around corners to get to class. On those days, she heads to class without her books instead of facing them. They text, they call. She ignores everything.

She doesn’t deserve them.

She doesn’t want to split the group. Cady’s crusade to integrate the groups had worked too well. They’re too entwined now, and Regina refuses to make anyone choose sides in this, especially when she was the one who was wrong. If she lets them, Gretchen and Karen would be by her side in an instant. But she’s seen how much they like being part of a larger group, how much they’ve opened up. They seem lighter, happier. Regina won’t let them lose that.

So she exists alone.

It gives her time to reflect. (Plenty of time for the self-loathing to grow deeper, reach farther.)

~~~~~

Karen texts her every day. Either an ‘I luv u’ or an ‘I mis u’ often accompanied by a variety of emojis that Regina thinks are summaries of how her day has gone. More often than not, Regina doesn’t reply. It doesn’t seem to matter to Karen because she doesn’t stop sending them.

On days when everything feels too much, when she sees Janis and can’t stop herself from wishing things were different, she reads through the messages, reminding herself there’s someone on her side. Even when they shouldn’t be.

Regina will have to tell Karen how much she appreciates it, when she can finally make herself face her.

She gets lazy. Or else she doesn’t pay enough attention. Either way, she leaves herself open somehow and ends up pulled into an empty classroom on her way to her free period.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Regina turns around and stares, not expecting the anger or the yelling or the cursing (honestly the most surprising bit) to come from Cady.

It makes her defensive, makes her want to return the energy and show Cady exactly what’s wrong until she retreats from Regina for good. Something in her says that’s not helpful, and as much as Regina wants to say fuck it, she’s also not very interested in making Cady angrier.

“I’m not the one who abducted someone and shoved them into a classroom!” she accuses.

Baby steps and all that.

“This is the only way I could think of to see you,” Cady says, annoyance all over her face. “Between you avoiding us all day and making your mom turn us away when we try to come to your house, I couldn’t think of anything else!”

Regina does her best not to yell. “Well, I had a good reason to avoid you guys.”

The annoyance settles into something darker. It’s not a look Regina is used to seeing on Cady. She’s usually so bubbly and positive that Regina forgets there’s another side to her. The predator that Regina had molded.

“That brings me back to my question. What is wrong with you?”

So much. Too much for Regina to bring up here, and definitely not anything Regina is interested in sharing.

She stays silent.

“Things were so good, Regina! You were happy, I thought. We were all doing well. You even sat next to Janis without either of you biting each other’s heads off! And then we all turn around and you’re just-“ she throws her hands out, exasperated, as she stares at Regina with pleading eyes. “You’re calling Janis all these horrible things. Again. ”

Cady marches forward, gets in Regina’s face. Regina doesn’t think she’s ever seen Cady truly angry. Even throughout the whole mess , Cady was mostly hurt or arrogant. For someone so small, she can be scary when she wants. It makes Regina’s eyes widen, makes her want to step back. That’s a weakness she’s definitely unwilling to show. She stays still, letting Cady continue talking.

“How could you hurt someone like that? How could you do that? I thought you wanted to be better. I thought you wanted to change, but I can see that wasn’t true. A good person wouldn’t say those things. A good person wouldn’t hurt her friends.”

Regina aches at the confirmation. It’s the answer to the one question she’s been asking since sitting in the hospital alone. It’s not the answer she wanted. It’s not what she hoped to discover about herself. Mean to her core. Bad enough that Cady’s given up on her.

“What do you want me to say?” Regina asks, a little bit hopeless. Tell me how to fix this, tell me how to be good. Give me another chance.

Cady’s teeth are bared, a little lioness sticking up for its pride. “Do you even care? Are you even sorry?”

The words hit like a punch to the gut. Of course she’s sorry. Of course she cares. Why else would she be hiding from everyone? Why else would she have removed herself from them so completely? If she didn’t care, she would have come to school the next day acting like nothing happened. She cares so much that it’s tearing her up inside. She’s not sleeping, barely eating, and Cady has the audacity-

“How dare you,” Regina snarls. She wants to bring her hands up, wants to shove Cady away from her. Lines, though, and barriers she won’t cross. “You think I don’t care? You think I-”

She cuts herself off. She’s tired. Cady’s not the one she truly owes an explanation to anyways. It doesn’t seem worth it. Cady’s made up her mind. She already thought Regina was bad from when Regina went head bitch on that kid who knocked into her. The whole thing with Janis probably just made her certain.

Her voice is flat, unemotional, when she speaks. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more sorry in my life. But you’re probably right. I’m not a good person.”

Cady must read something under her words, see something in her face. The anger drops like it was never there, and a terrified sort of sadness replaces it.

“Regina, please, just talk to me.” She tries to reach out, but Regina steps away from her. “We can fix it, we can go talk to everyone, you can say sorry-”

“It’s fine, Cady.” Regina pushes past her, going to the door. “See you whenever.”

If she can’t be good, maybe it’s better to be nothing at all.

The universe hates Regina. This is starting to be a general truth of her existence. It’s the only explanation. She’s sitting in physics, carefully not looking at Janis. (From across the room, of course. Regina had moved the day after…everything , not wanting Janis to have to do it first. Not wanting to watch Janis choose to sit somewhere else. Better if she does it, better if she moves so Janis isn’t uncomfortable.)

(Janis had paused when she walked in that day, looked at Regina’s empty desk and glanced, briefly, at Regina before sitting down. Regina hadn’t been able to read the expression on her face, she just knew it wasn’t anger or relief.)

The teacher introduces a group project – the final for the year instead of a test. Regina gets a horrible feeling in the pit of her stomach. As the names get paired together, the feeling gets worse. Neither Janis’ name nor Regina’s has been called. Regina calls out to any deity she can for a different outcome than the one she knows is coming. Regina puts her head down on her desk, groaning. Just as she expected –

“Janis ‘Imi’ike and Regina George.”

A few snickers sound from around the room, but Regina’s not quick enough getting her head off the desk to see who she should glare at.

Janis isn’t looking at her. Regina’s been watching her enough to know that Janis hasn’t looked her way since that one glance at her desk.

“You all have your partners and instructions. Group up and spend the rest of class working on your projects. Remember, this is 30% of your grade so please do your best.”

Regina moves seats. Janis still doesn’t look at her. Regina sits in silence for as long as she can take.

“Janis-“

“Nope.” It’s still a relief to hear her voice, to have her actually talking to Regina, even if she sounds furious. “I’ll email you what I need for the project and that’s it.”

Regina purses her lips and sucks in a breath, nodding and slumping in her chair. “Yeah, okay.”

She doesn’t try to argue. She did this to them.

All of her days are long now, but this one had dragged, every second of it spent replaying Cady’s words and the cold shoulder from Janis. Regina stumbles into her house, dropping her bags next to the door. She doesn’t even want to think about homework or projects or school right now.

Her mom is in the living room, talking at her phone. It’s not an unfamiliar sight, but it’s one Regina hates more and more.

She’s tired of existing as a ghost. Tired of trying to fix things. Tired of seeing her friends and feeling such overwhelming guilt that she wants to puke.

Something has to change. She can’t fix the mess she’s made on her own. She needs some sort of help. Not that it doesn’t make her equally as sick to think about that vulnerability. That feeling that asking for help is letting people see past the tight coil of control, the perfect veneer she displays. Asking for help is letting people see into the weak center of her, the mess that she’s tried so hard to hide.

She stalls out in the entryway, torn between going to her mom and just going to her room as she usually does. She wanders closer to her mom, who still hasn’t noticed her despite the noise of the door. Her mom should want to help her, right? She’s her mother, that’s how it should work. But lately her mom’s advice has been about makeup or the right clothes to wear – there’s nothing of substance and Regina is scared that her mother won’t see her issues as something serious.

And there’s that same lingering fear of imperfection. That her mother will be mad or disappointed that Regina isn’t strong, that she’s falling apart under her own shortcomings.

(It’s not a weakness, she tries to convince herself. It still feels like one.)

“Can you help me with something?” the question comes out quiet.

Her mom doesn’t seem to hear her, doesn’t seem to even see her. (A ghost, even at home. The pressure in her chest multiplies and her hands shake. She clenches them behind her back, digging her nails into her palms and letting the pain ground her.

“Mom, can I talk to you?” Regina speaks again, louder this time.

“Oh, totes! Give me just a sec, I need to finish making this TikTok so I can show everyone my new outfit.”

Suddenly, that’s the last straw. She doesn’t have friends, she feels like she’s spiraling out of control, and her mom doesn’t seem to give a shit.

“Mom, can you fucking listen for once?” Regina yells. “Just be my mom and care about me instead of your followers or your social media. I just need my mom.”

Mortifyingly enough, she’s crying by the time she finishes speaking. She sees, through the haze of tears, the vapid smile drop from her mom’s face, her phone hitting the ground a second later.

“Honey,” her mom’s voice is quiet. It’s heartfelt in a way Regina hasn’t heard in years, no trace of the faux perkiness that seems to permeate her speech constantly now. “Oh, honey, no.”

She pulls Regina to her, cups the back of her head and holds her. Regina’s not sure when the last time they hugged was, and her mom’s arms around her demolish what’s left of her self-control. She sobs into her mother’s shoulder, leaning more and more of her weight on her. Her mom holds her easily, steady hands running through her hair as she murmurs, “I’m here. I’ve got you.”

Regina tangles her hands in the back of her mom’s blouse, squeezing the fabric hard enough she can feel it almost tear. Her mom says nothing about Regina potentially ruining the expensive piece of clothing, just keeps hushing her. She maneuvers them carefully towards the couch, collapsing back onto it and landing so Regina’s practically curled in her lap. The fabric under her face has surpassed damp and gone straight to soaked, but Regina can’t find it in her to stop the tears. (For someone who claims not to cry a lot, she’s been doing it surprisingly often. Which probably isn’t a good sign. She’ll add it to the list of shit she should deal with but won’t.)

Once Regina manages to calm down, her mom loosens the hold she has on her. Regina whines.

“I’m not going anywhere. I just want to see you.” Hands come up and cup her cheeks, gently brushing away the remnants of her tears.

“Oh, my darling girl,” her mom says, a nickname she hasn’t heard in years. (She thought she grew out of it, if she’s being honest. Hearing it now, she hopes her mother never stops using it.) “What’s going on?”

“I just keep hurting people,” she says, voice still shaky. “I keep hurting my friends. I hurt Janis again.” Tears threaten to overwhelm her again.

Regina feels her mom jolt in surprise. “I didn’t know you two were talking again.”

“Not anymore,” Regina says. “I think she’s done with me this time.”

“I know how close you used to be. I’m sorry, Regina.”

“It’s my own fault. I’m horrible.” Regina sniffles. “I hurt her so much and I didn’t even want to and now she won’t even look at me.”

“You’re not horrible, don’t say that.”

But her mom doesn’t know. She doesn’t know what Regina did, how she acted. And she doesn’t want to tell her. This feels good, and if Regina tells her mother everything, she’ll look at Regina differently and not want to hold her or call her darling or make sure she’s okay. Because she’ll see Regina’s rotten center just like everyone else.

She forces past her mother’s blind reassurance. She’s too emotionally raw to feel much discomfort when she says, “I need help. I don’t know what to do.”

“Alright, and what do you think is going to help? Do we need to talk to your teachers? Do you need to talk to someone else? My friend has a really good therapist in the city, we can make an appointment there.”

“I don’t want to go to your friend’s fucking therapist, mom,” Regina bites. She needs to calm down. It’s a good suggestion. Partially. “I think talking to someone might be a good idea? Just – I don’t want to go to the same one your friend goes to.”

“Alright. How about I get you a list and you can pick one?”

Her mom’s nails scratch against her scalp in a soothing rhythm that doesn’t pause, even when Regina gets snippy. It makes her relax more into her mother’s side. This was something she hadn’t even known she was missing. Her mom is still super cringe, but every once in a while, something like this might not be too bad.

“That sounds good.”

“Yas, slay! We stan therapy in this house!” A pause. “Sorry. Habit.”

Regina laughs, the sound strung out and weak. She gets to her feet, scrubs roughly at her face to get rid of any tears.

“How about you go upstairs and rest?” Her mom says, standing and leading Regina towards the stairs. “I’ll order dinner and start looking at therapists.”

“And posting your TikTok?” Regina jokes.

Her mom strikes a goofy pose. “Can’t leave the people hanging.”

Regina curls up on her bed, feeling strung out and wired all at once. Talking to her mom hadn’t actually been that bad. Either way, she falls asleep as her emotions mellow out, not moving until her mom calls her for dinner.

Regina notices them on the way to class. Janis is small – Regina forgets that sometimes. She’s always felt larger-than-life to Regina. Her size is impossible not to notice with the way some boy is leaning over her. He has her cornered against the lockers, a gross smile on his face while Janis looks like she’d rather be anywhere else.

Oh hell no.

Just like with Cady, Regina feels that plastic predator drop over her as she marches down the hall.

“Maybe you just need a real man to show you what you’re missing.” She hears as she gets close. The oldest and grossest line in the book. Not looking at Janis, she slides between them, strong-arming the boy away and forcing him back a couple steps.

“Watch your fucking mouth, dickhead.”

She keeps herself positioned between them, shifting when the boy tries to peer around her to get at Janis again.

“I didn’t say anything worse than you did,” he sneers when he realizes she’s not going to let him past.

Regina wants to flinch at the truth of his statement. Instead, she steps closer. She’s taller than him, just a little. She uses it as much as she can, crowding him away from Janis.

“The difference is that I can admit when I was wrong.” (Not that she’s admitted it to Janis, but it’s the thought that counts, right?) She looks him up and down. “Now run along before I make it impossible for you to show anyone what a ‘real man’ is like. Not that anyone would actually see you as one. How’s that paw patrol night light treating you?” She tilts her head, shark-smile on in full force.

It pays to have dirt on most of the student population. The kid shrinks away from her, backing up like he’s scared to turn his back on her. She feints forward, snapping her teeth at him and sending him scrambling.

She doesn’t stick around once he’s gone. She doesn’t even look at Janis, even though every part of her wants to check in, wants to pull Janis close and fight anyone who tries to come near her. She just keeps heading to History, resisting the urge to look back as best she can. (Janis is gone when Regina loses that battle, no trace of her in the crowded hall.)

Most days since the beginning of her self-imposed exile, Regina doesn’t stop to get food. Too big of a chance that she’ll run into someone who doesn’t want to see her. Sometimes she’ll grab a bag of chips from one of the vending machines. Otherwise, it’s fine. She eats at dinner, that’s enough.

Regina’s making her way down the hall towards the west wing of the school so she can spend her lunch period in one of the empty classrooms. She turns a corner and sees Damian heading her way. She freezes, standing close to the wall. Regina’s not sure how she wants him to react. This is her first time seeing him since everything – he’s easier to avoid than Gretchen and Karen, seeming to want to see her about as much as she wants to see him.

She sees him notice her, as much as he tries to act like he didn’t. She watches his eyebrows raise as he notices her, watches the purposeful blankness fall over his face as he swans past her. He’d barely looked at her for a second, and even then, his eyes slid over her like she wasn’t even there.

She thinks of his gentle touch as they took pictures at Spring Fling, the goofy faces he pulled as they tried on ridiculous sunglasses at the mall. She wonders if she’ll ever get him back, if the comfort that seems steeped into every part of him will ever be directed her way again.

She’s surprised he didn’t yell at her. She’s always preferred direct confrontation over being ignored. It’d be better if he could tell her what a horrible person she is, confirm all her worst fears just like Cady did. Just so she could stop holding onto the hope that maybe things could get better.

(She wants to know if she’s worth saving.)

She stays frozen in the hall long after he’s gone. When she manages to move again, she ducks into the empty classroom she was heading towards originally, freezing when there’s food sitting on one of the desks. There’s no one else in the room. She walks up to the desk; it’s a small container holding a grilled cheese. There’s a little sticky note on top of it, a message written in glittery pink ink.

“Rejeena,” it reads. “I luv grild ches and I luv u. have a gud lach launk have a gud eat.”

Under the message, there’s a messy drawing of a tiger surrounded by hearts.

Regina peels the message off and tucks it gently into the back of her phone case, a fond smile (her first smile in a while) playing at the edge of her mouth. She’s not sure what the tiger has to do with anything, but the food and message make Regina want to charge to the cafeteria to give Karen a hug. It’s not enough to overcome her avoidance, but she’d really like to hug Karen. She sits at the desk instead, slowly making her way through the grilled cheese.

As she eats, she wonders about how Karen knew where Regina was going to be. Was she being obvious with her hiding places? And beyond that, why didn’t Karen just wait for Regina to get here? Gretchen would have waited, would have tried to push Regina into talking. Karen once more proves that she can read Regina better than most people. She gives Regina space while still showing that she’s not alone.

(She tries not to consider why Damian was in the hallway. Why he was close to the classroom holding her lunch. If she thinks about it too much, it might give her hope.)

‘Thank you,’ she texts Karen. For the food, for understanding her, for caring about her even when Regina messes up.

She gets back a mess of heart emojis, and Regina smiles again.

Her therapist suggests that she find an outlet, something physical to direct her energy towards.

Old Regina would have run on the treadmill, but she’s barely able to look at it now, the taste of Kälteen bars sitting heavy on the back of her tongue whenever she thinks about it.

She sees the school’s lacrosse team practicing. Now, the uniforms are truly tragic, along with all the other gear they have to wear, but something about it catches Regina’s attention.

One day after school, she hangs out on the bleachers, pretending to do homework as she writes down the exercises they do to warm up, what they do as skill practice.

When she brings it up in therapy, she’s told a team sport is a good idea. The treadmill keeps collecting dust as Regina practices outside, grass stains and scraped knees replacing the mechanical hum of the belt and the rhythmic pounding of her footsteps.

As much as she hates to admit it, the exercise does help. When she’s feeling hopeless, she retreats to her backyard, running suicides and whipping a ball at a net until she can barely think.

Regina does her best to work on the sections of the project that Janis sent her. And it’s not like Regina isn’t smart. She is . But leave it to Janis to give her the sections that cover concepts that Regina doesn’t quite get. Leave it to Janis to find Regina’s weakness without trying.

Regina doesn’t want to message her, but the project is due in two days and Regina is no closer to being done with her part. She emails Janis about it, feeling about a million years old as she does and wishing she could just text her. (Janis still has her blocked – she tries every once in a while to text her but it never works.) Janis replies, which Regina is thankful for, telling her to meet in the library before class the next morning. Short and to the point.

Regina makes sure she has all of her issues clearly written out. She plans what she’s going to say down to the pauses, not wanting to say anything that could upset Janis further.

Getting to school early, Regina sits at a table in easy view of the door as she reviews her notes over and over. Janis walks in, and Regina sits straight up, all of her fidgeting going still as she watches Janis walk towards her.

“So what’s the issue?” Janis asks, studying the cards laid out on the table instead of looking at Regina.

Regina launches into her explanation, hitting every note she made perfectly. Once she’s done, she looks at Janis expectantly. Janis doesn’t jump into an explanation or scoff at Regina for being stupid.

Instead, she says, “I don’t get you.” And she looks at Regina. Looks her head on, meets her eyes. Regina feels like a plant in the desert, soaking up the rain while she can. “You did – you did that, but a week later you’re defending me, threatening someone for me. And now you’re asking for my help, when I’m pretty sure that there’s nothing you hate more than people knowing you’re struggling. I don’t get the games you’re playing, why you’re messing with me.”

“Janis, I-”

“I’m not ready to hear what you have to say,” Janis says, holding up a hand. “I can barely handle being around you right now.”

Regina withers. “Oh, okay.”

“I’ll show you what you have to do for the project. Then I’m going to go, and we don’t have to talk until the presentation on Thursday.”

Regina’s just glad Janis is helping her. (Not that the other girl really has a choice if she wants to get a solid grade in the class.)

“Sounds good. Anything you want.” Here or anywhere else.

Janis is patient as she walks Regina through the new concepts. When Regina gets lost (definitely not because she was staring at Janis and not listening to her talk), she goes over the concept again until Regina’s got it. They study until the bell goes off. Janis leaves Regina in the library without saying goodbye.

Regina comes home one day to find Gretchen in her room. She had forgotten that she showed her where the spare key was one time, and apparently Gretchen has gotten fed up enough at Regina’s behavior for a direct confrontation.

“Why are you avoiding us?”

Regina doesn’t try to deny it. She’s been obvious about it, so what’s the point?

“Didn’t want to make things awkward.”

“We’re your friends, Regina,” Gretchen marvels. “That means talking about things.”

“I didn’t think anyone would want to hear from me,” Regina says. Of course, that’s only the half of it (she doesn’t deserve them. Needs to fix things. Can’t have friends without hurting them), but it’s enough for now.

“All of our texts and calls and waiting at your locker weren’t signals that we wanted to see you?”

She couldn’t see them. Couldn’t have handled it. Can barely handle it now.

“I don’t know,” Regina says. “I just – I couldn’t.”

Gretchen doesn’t look like she wants to accept Regina’s answer. Gretchen has always wanted details, loved collecting snippets of people and information for who knows what. Regina can’t talk about it yet. Can barely mention it to her therapist at this point.

“So, what happened?” Gretchen asks finally. “All we know is what Janis said.”

Regina doesn’t want to imagine what Janis told them.

“There were these girls in the bathroom,” Regina starts. “They were talking about me, about Janis. Saying these awful things. I spiraled and yelled at Janis.”

Gretchen doesn’t say anything. She just looks at Regina. (She’s not sure she wants to know what Gretchen sees.) Gretchen comes to some sort of conclusion. “I’m going to tell you something.”

Nothing about what Regina did, no mention of how Gretchen feels about it. What’s going on? Why isn’t she yelling at me?

“Um, okay?” Regina’s off center, unsure of the topic change.

“I have a crush on Karen I think.” Her voice wavers as she says it and she flinches back a little, not looking directly at Regina.

Alright, and the sky is blue. What else is new?

And it sinks in. Regina’s outburst in the hall. She had stood in front of a crowd and yelled at Janis for this very thing. Had very publicly said it was not okay. And Gretchen was scared of Regina’s reaction because of it.

But she still told Regina. Is still so sure of who Regina is that she had risked that same hateful reaction.

Regina wants to smile at Gretchen but can’t, her realization in the wake of the confession too heavy. Instead, a tear leaks from her eye. She brushes it away, trying to disguise the motion as fixing her hair as she hopes Gretchen didn’t see. (So much crying lately. Her therapist says it’s normal but Regina really wishes healing came with less tears.)

“God, Gretchen, that’s – Thank you for telling me. For trusting me with this.”

It is an exercise in trust. In Gretchen trusting that Regina is better than who she’s shown herself to be. (Proof to Regina that she’s better.)

“And you’re not just saying that?” Vulnerable, scared. Things Regina thought she was done making her friends feel.

“I promise that’s not it. I’m happy for you and proud and I’m so so sorry.” Regina’s properly crying now. No way to hide it from Gretchen anymore. “I’m so sorry that what I did made you doubt that I’d be happy for you.”

 “ Regina,” Gretchen says softly, her eyes shining with tears too.

“Can I-” Regina’s not used to asking for this sort of thing. “Can I hug you?” She’s not sure if she deserves to, but she wants it. Wants to hold Gretchen, to make sure she knows Regina cares.

“I think I’d like that.”

Regina pulls Gretchen to her, both of them sniffling as they try to get their emotions under control. Regina holds Gretchen tightly. I love you I love you I love you on repeat in her head.

“I’m sorry,” she says instead, hoping Gretchen feels what she can’t say.

Once all the heavy emotions are dealt with and tears are wiped away, they settle on Regina’s bed, putting something mindless on her tv as they finish calming down.

“You obviously don’t actually care about people’s sexuality,” Gretchen says. “It doesn’t make you uncomfortable or anything.”

She motions to the way they’re sitting, with Regina practically curled around Gretchen as they watch Real Housewives, her forehead pressed against Gretchen’s neck. Regina doesn’t answer right away. It doesn’t matter. Of course she doesn’t care, she had just been scared and panicking and regurgitating what she’s heard over and over. (That doesn’t absolve her. If anything, it makes it worse.)

“Not at all.”

Gretchen’s next question makes Regina wish they could go back to watching trashy reality tv in silence. “So why did it matter when those girls were talking in the bathroom?”

Because it was about Janis, because it was about Regina. Because something in that mix has Regina so afraid that she shuts down.

“I don’t know.”

“I think you should try to figure that out.”

Regina grunts in reply, trying to shut down the conversation. She’s lucky Gretchen lets her, lapsing into silence and rubbing a hand up and down Regina’s arm.

She does know why, even if she’s not ready to face it yet.

(Because something in it felt true.)

Chapter Text

The school year ends. Regina is no closer to apologizing to Janis. Sure, they’re able to kind of coexist now that Regina has returned to the lunch table, but she sits at the very end of the bench seat and tries not to pay too much attention to Damian and Janis who take up space at the other end. Regina’s just glad her whole thing hasn’t affected the rest of the group. Everyone is able to joke around like normal. (Besides the fact that half the people there aren’t talking.)

At least she won’t have to deal with any more awkward lunches now that summer is here.

Janis also hasn’t given Regina any sign that she wants Regina to talk to her, to try to approach with an apology. After the way she told Regina she isn’t ready, Regina hasn’t wanted to force the issue. (She’s scared, is the truth of it. She knows she should go to Janis, that it’s not Janis’ job as the wronged party to tell her when it’s ok – therapy is actually helping her, look at that. Regina can’t help it though.)

Cady, Gretchen, and Karen try to encourage her to reach out, but Regina doesn’t know how. Instead, she fills her days with the gym or shopping trips with the three of them and tries not to notice how well Damian would fit into their little group. Tries not to think about Janis and what she’s doing.

She doesn’t go to group hangouts, especially when she knows Janis will be there. Better for Janis to have a good time with their friends. Regina doesn’t want to ruin her summer.

Regina runs into Damian at a coffee shop one day as she’s heading home from the gym. She’s still buzzing, pumped from her workout. That’s probably why she feels brave enough to approach him, to tell him she needs to talk to him.

He doesn’t look like he wants to agree (she doesn’t think she’s seen him look less excited about something), but he does. They wait in silence until they get their drinks – Regina unable to think of any neutral topics of conversation, and Damian not even trying. Damian leads the way out of the shop and towards the small park down the block. It makes Regina’s stomach drop. He doesn’t want to make a scene. He’s going to yell at her. Her shoulders tense as she prepares to brace herself. They sit at a picnic table, Damian carefully watching her and Regina trying to act like she can’t feel his eyes on her.

“I need you to explain to me why exactly you would do something like what you did. Because from where I was sitting, things were going well between you and Janis.” His voice is calm, even toned. No trace of the yelling Regina expected. “But then we took a swift detour back to toxic homophobia land, and I’m not down with that.”

Tearing at her napkin and staring down at her coffee cup, Regina says, “I panicked. I overheard these girls talking.”

“And some dumbass gossip made you hurt Janis again?”

“It was-” Regina hesitates. Admits, “They were talking about Janis, and I wanted to knock their teeth in. But then they started talking about me and-”

Regina looks up at Damian, eyes wide and pleading. Her voice quivers as she says, “It was like I couldn’t stop. God, I wanted to stop.”

“Let me get this straight,” Damian says. Regina can hear the emotions leaking back into his voice, braces herself for the well-deserved outburst. “You heard someone saying some homophobic shit about one of your friends and yourself, and your response was to go yell at the person they were making comments about?”

When he puts it that way, it sounds even worse than it already is. 

“I just – I couldn’t – I know it was the wrong decision-”

“Fuck yeah it was the wrong decision!” Damian yells, throwing his hands out. “You can’t fucking care about that shit! It’s ruining you. Why does it matter so much what some bitchy teenagers are saying?”

It’s all she knows – image has always been everything in the George household. What does it mean for her, for her past, if it doesn’t matter?

“I – I don’t-”

“We’re your friends, Regina. You come to us when you need support. You don’t attack us.”

“I know,” Regina whispers, looking back down at the table. “I knew it was wrong the second I started doing it.”

Damian sighs. They fall silent, the sounds of the park filtering back in.

“I know you’re straight,” he says, but the notion feels wrong, curdles in her stomach. (The alternative is scarier.) “But is it really that horrible for you? Is even the idea of being gay so bad that you had to act like that?”

(No, not bad. Terrifying. Something her mind shies away from if she even starts to approach it.)

“Damian, I’m sorry. It’s not horrible, I promise I don’t think that.” Regina starts to reach out and reconsiders. Damian probably doesn’t want her anywhere near him. “I didn’t – I was – I was a bitch. I ruined something I cared about, hurt someone I care about, because I couldn’t control myself. I know you probably don’t believe me, but I really am sorry.”

“Girl, I know you’re sorry. You avoided us for almost three weeks. It was obvious.” Damian reaches out, a finger tapping against the back of her hand to make her look at him. (He doesn’t look angry. He looks concerned. He looks like he cares . Regina doesn’t know how to reconcile that with the anger and hatred she had expected.)  “We wanted you to apologize. To talk to us about it. Avoiding your problems doesn’t help anything.”

“I didn’t want to hear that you all hated me. I didn’t want to lose my friends.” So she left them first.

“If we can have faith in you, even after what you did, I think you can have the same for us.”

And that’s…a good point. It makes her think of the days following the incident differently. Her friends were giving her the benefit of the doubt, reaching out after what she did. (In Cady’s case, cornering her and trying to talk about it.) Trying to get her to come back.

“I didn’t think about it like that,” Regina says. “I barely wanted to be around myself. It made sense that everyone else would feel the same.”

Damian gives her a small smile. “The crazy thing about friends is that they like each other and usually want to be around each other."

"Sounds fake, but okay," Regina jokes weakly. (Not much of a joke. Regina can feel the sentiment deep in her soul. No one enjoys being around me.)

Damian gives her a look like he knows what she's thinking.

"Look, Regina, I’m gonna be honest, you’ve got a lot of work to do. But let us help you with it.”

“Yeah, I think I can do that.”

It’s different, working out with the goal of gaining a new skill instead of trying to run off any excess weight. She still runs, but she prefers doing so outside instead of on the treadmill. She’s lifting weights and practicing lacrosse skills she finds in youtube videos.

It feels good, as much as it’s also a strange form of torture.

She gains weight. Tries not to think about it. It’s muscle weight, her shoulders getting a bit broader, her thighs getting thicker. She can’t call it fat, but her mind still screams that she’s too big, that she shouldn’t eat after her workout, that she doesn’t need it.

She has to force herself to eat, to choke down chicken or beans or whatever other healthy food she can get her hands on as her muscles scream for nourishment. It still feels wrong, as much as her body benefits from it.

On particularly bad days, she takes Damian’s advice. She texts Karen, relies on her strange ability to get Regina out of her head.  

Gretchen and Karen are surprisingly good cooks. Even more surprisingly, Karen is the one who takes the lead in the kitchen. (This further cements Regina’s suspicion that all the ‘extra’ portions Karen would bring to lunch were just a way to get Regina to eat.)

“What are we making today?” Regina asks as Karen opens the door for her, beckoning her in with a wide smile.

“Fajitas!” Karen answers, a big smile on her face. “Gretchen wants Thai.”

And that’s not right, but if Gretchen’s fine with it, Regina’s also alright with letting it go. (Although with the whole crush thing, Gretchen might just be unable to tell Karen no. Whipped, Regina thinks.)

“Sounds delicious,” is all she says.

After saying hi to Gretchen, she sits on a bar stool at the counter, watching as they start prep. “Anything I can help with?”

Both of them turn to her in unison, their smiles freezing on their faces in the most comical way, as if they’re tensing every muscle to stop themselves from making the expression they truly want to.

“Hey! I’m not that bad at cooking,” Regina protests. (Yes she is. The last time Karen let her help, Regina somehow managed to set a pot of water on fire.)

“It’s not that,” Gretchen tries. “We just – it’s going to be – we-”

Regina laughs, cutting Gretchen off. “I’m just giving you a hard time. I definitely don’t mind sitting around while people cook for me,” she says, winking.

Regina watches as they move around the kitchen. They’re completely in sync, a practiced dance as they chop and season and joke around. The one hiccup comes when Karen has to pass close behind Gretchen, pressing a palm to the small of her back as she goes. Regina watches as Gretchen’s entire face goes a deep red, her mouth dropping open. The small bowl she holds goes clattering to the ground, spilling chopped peppers all over the ground.

“Oh no, are you okay?” Karen asks.

She reaches out to Gretchen, running a hand up and down her arm as she tries to figure out what happened. She spins Gretchen, looking her over as she makes sure she’s good.

Regina watches, barely holding back laughter, as Karen’s concern only makes Gretchen worse. Gretchen does manage to stutter out that she’s fine – the sentence barely intelligible because of the way Gretchen’s voice has gone high pitched and the words run together. They manage to get back on track, and Regina makes kissy faces at Gretchen over Karen’s shoulder, getting an embarrassed glare in return.

The smells permeating the air of the kitchen makes Regina’s stomach growl. There’s a moment of disdain, of thinking she shouldn’t be hungry because she had two bananas for breakfast. Regina makes herself focus on what Karen is doing instead, trying to keep her mind from spiraling. Karen pops a handful of shredded cheese into her mouth, not a trace of guilt or worry in her expression. And then it doesn’t feel as wrong for her to be hungry, for her mouth to water at the thought of eating with her friends.

They sit in front of the tv in the living room, switching on Say Yes to the Dress (Karen’s choice – and by extension Gretchen’s choice – which means Regina is outvoted) and critiquing the fashion sense of all the brides-to-be.

Cleaning up later in the warm light of the kitchen, surrounded by her friends laughing and joking around, Regina doesn’t feel guilty for being full. She’s full of happiness too, and that takes the bite out of any doubts her mind supplies.

Her therapist thinks it might help if she plans out her apology. To get her thoughts in order before actually approaching Janis about it.

So Regina writes and writes and writes. Her trash can overflows with discarded drafts. Nothing is good enough. Nothing says what she wants, what she needs Janis to know. It all feels flat, fake. How can she apologize to Janis? There’s no apology that can be satisfying. She ruined Janis’ life. (Twice, her mind supplies helpfully.)

She tries anyways, hoping to come across some magical string of words that will make her ready to face Janis. That will make her feel prepared for the long overdue talk they need to have. That will make Janis magically forgive her.

Some days are harder than others. Days where her brain screams at her for every little thing until all that’s left is the loathing. Days where she can’t escape the reminder of what she’s done. (Days where she sees Janis at the store and ducks out of sight before she’s noticed, days when she tries not to have a complete breakdown in the chip aisle.)

On days like that she ends up curled up on Gretchen’s floor, trying to breathe through the constant loop of her own mind telling her she’ll never be good enough.

“You’re not a bad person,” Gretchen says, sitting across from her. She’s gotten good at telling what Regina’s physical boundaries are when she gets like this, but it’s written all over her that she wants to be holding her.

Regina scoffs. “How can you say that? I tried being good and we all saw how that turned out.”

“Regina-”

“No!” Regina’s yelling now. “There is something wrong with me. I am rotten. Janis was right, I’m just fooling everybody into thinking I’ve changed. I am fake and mean and bad.”

“Hey, hey, no.” Gretchen throws herself at Regina, arms wrapping around her. Regina turns into the hug, gasping for breath as she tries to hide herself from the world.

“I don’t want to be this way,” she says, voice strangled with the weight of her emotions. “I don’t want to feel like this all the time.”

I hate everything about myself. (A truth she’s not ready to tell her friend – if there’s ever a good time to admit that. It’s definitely something she should work on in therapy.)

“I know this isn’t helpful right now,” Gretchen says. “But I think the fact that you feel this way is good. You weren’t – you didn’t exactly feel bad about your behavior before. So being sorry about everything is a good thing. Or something. And I think it’ll get better; you won’t feel like this forever.”

Surprisingly enough, it does kind of help.

“I wish I felt better faster,” Regina says, muffled into Gretchen’s shoulder.

Gretchen whispers, “I don’t think this is something you can rush.”

A little bit of a smile starts to show up on Regina’s face. “I’m Regina George. I can do whatever I want.”

She hears Gretchen’s laugh echo through her chest as her body shakes lightly against Regina. “Oh, I’m sorry.” Gretchen’s voice is light, teasing. “I’m not sure how I could have forgotten that.”

It’s not perfect, it’s not fixed. It’s better, though, and that’s all Regina can hope for.

Regina slinks into the garage. She knows it’s still the main place Janis hangs out - she’s seen enough of Janis and Damian’s TikToks to know. (Not that she watched them a lot. It was totally like an accident when she’d see them because they’re at the same school or whatever. It’s not like she watched Janis’ guitar videos over and over or anything.)

The smell of paint hangs heavy in the air, accompanied by the light musk of Janis’ body wash. It hasn’t changed since middle school, and the scent both soothes her and makes her more tense. Similar to how Janis makes her feel, honestly.

It’s empty, Janis nowhere to be seen, but she came prepared to wait. She settles on the couch, perched on the very edge of the seat. She takes in the decor of the space - it’s changed since she was last in here. Posters, paintings, and photos of people and places Regina has never seen line every inch of available space. It feels lived in. It feels like Janis (apart from all the storage bins. It does also still feel like a garage).

Regina isn’t sure how long she waits before she can hear Janis approaching. She sits up from where she’s relaxed against the back of the couch, trying to decide if she should stand or not. Before she can, Janis is coming in, the wide smile stretched across her face shuttering the instant she lays eyes on Regina. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

Regina stands, wanting to get closer to Janis. She almost takes a step forward, but Janis is tense, every muscle primed to leave. Regina manages to keep herself still. If she’s going to apologize, she needs Janis to actually be in the room, which means not scaring her off.

“Please hear me out,” Regina begs. “I know I don’t deserve it, but please.”

Her voice is shaking, breaking on some of the words and she can’t even bring herself to care. She wants to fix this, needs to. If she loses Janis forever, she’s not sure she’ll recover. 

Janis crosses her arms, the glare she’s aiming at Regina not lessening at all. “I’m not sure the best start to an apology is by ambushing someone.”

“Would you have let me do it otherwise?” Regina snaps back without thinking. She shakes her head, dismissing the words. “No, I didn’t mean that. Please-”

Janis crosses her arms, raising an eyebrow at Regina as she interrupts her. “You have five minutes, George. Don’t fuck it up.”

Janis can’t even say her name. She’s always used Regina’s name, or one of the many, many nicknames she came up with. Even at their worst fights back when they were kids, Janis called her Regina. It makes Regina’s stomach turn that she’s been relegated to just George.

“I don’t deserve your forgiveness,” she starts. “I’ve wasted every chance you gave me. And you’re, god, Janis, you’re so good. You don’t give a shit about being anyone besides who you truly are. I am always so aware of what people think of me. I let it drive what I do, how I behave.”

Whatever plan she came up with during her apology drafting has gone out the window. All of the sorrys she’s held back pour like a fountain from her mouth. 

“I’m sorry that I kissed you,” (soft and warm and nicer than any kiss Regina has had since.) “And then made fun of you for it. I’m sorry about the stuffed toy thing, sorry for ignoring you, sorry for ruining your life. I’m sorry that I never tried to fix it, that I couldn’t find my way back to where we used to be. I’m sorry that I let myself get so obsessed with what everyone thought of me that I hurt you. 

“I regretted it every day. Every time I saw you in the halls, every time I didn’t after you were gone. It hurt and I didn’t know how to take it back. I didn’t want to take it back at the same time. I was confused and torn and I took it out on you. And then I made it stop hurting. I made myself not care that I could see you were in pain. Until I could fool myself that it was real. I’m so sorry.”

“If you’re feeling so sorry,” Janis cuts in, stalking forward a few steps. “What the fuck was that in the hall?”

“A knee-jerk reaction to protect myself. And I don’t know why it always comes back to you. I’m sorry. I don’t think there’s ever going to be an apology good enough for what I did to you,” Regina admits. “I want to show you that I’m sorry. I want to show you that I’m different now.”

It seems like whatever control that was holding Janis back breaks. She gets in Regina’s space, finger poking into Regina’s sternum as she yells.

“Don’t you get it? I thought you were different. I thought we were finally getting to a place where things were good again, where I had the real you back. But just like last time, you made a fool out of me. You called me a slur in front of half the fucking grade! ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I’m different’ isn’t fucking good enough. What is the point in me giving you another chance? All you’ve shown is that it’s going to end exactly the same way.”

No, please no. Please let me fix this. Regina wants to beg, wants to fall to her knees and grovel. She doesn’t. Regina doubts Janis would be moved by the display – the theatrics would probably make Janis trust her less . (If that’s even possible at this point.)

“I did. I took my anger and my fear out on you instead of working through it.” Or tearing those girls a new one like she should’ve done. “I can’t – fuck, Janis – I can’t promise I’m going to be perfect. I can’t promise that I’ll never regress. But I can promise that I’ll never do something like that again. I will – you are too – I won’t let it end the same way. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure of that.”

“You said all of that shit and when I came into class the next day you were gone. Halfway across the room, avoiding the fucking dyke like I had the plague or something. I wanted you to apologize then, to talk to me like I was a person. Instead you were just fucking not there. And that hurt too.”

Regina flinches. Janis’ words remind her of what Damian told her. Another point against her when all she was trying to do was help. (Is it possible for her to help without hurting someone? To do the right thing without everyone telling her it’s the wrong decision? And if she can’t, what does that mean for her? For her friends? For Janis?)

“That’s not why I moved. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I wanted you to-” Regina hesitates for a second. She should tell Janis the truth. “I didn’t want you to move first. I didn’t want to see that you had given up on me. I didn’t think it would hurt you. I was trying to do what I thought you’d want.”

Janis’ arm is still raised from her outburst. Regina steps closer and Janis presses her palm to Regina’s upper chest like she’s about to push her away. She doesn’t, and Regina lifts a hand to lightly grab Janis’ forearm. 

“I don’t know how to be better, but I am trying. I’m tired of hurting the people I care about. I’m tired of being like this. It’s going to be slow, but I want-” again, Regina stumbles, wanting to be honest but knowing it’ll show too much of herself. “I want you in my life again. You were my best friend. I don’t want to lose you for good.”

Janis pulls away from her. Regina’s hand stays suspended in the air for a moment before dropping back to her side. 

“Didn’t seem like you cared much about losing me,” Janis snipes. 

Regina’s lip curls. “That’s kind of how changing and growing as a person works, Janis.”

She can’t even apologize without being mean. Not that Janis is being particularly nice either, but she at least has a good reason. 

Regina is not a nice girl. She can admit that much to herself. Janis is the same way, though she wears it differently. They both approach the world head first, teeth bared and challenging. Too in your face to be good girls.

Maybe she should lean into that. 

“Honestly, it doesn’t matter if you don’t fucking believe me.” (A lie, one so big even speaking it makes Regina kind of ill. All she wants is for Janis to believe her, to forgive her.) “I’m really sorry that I ruined your life. It hurt every goddamn day after I yelled at you in the hall! We both know that I’m not good at this emotional shit. But I am trying. I am trying to make things better and give you the apology you deserve. So yeah, maybe it didn’t seem like I cared too much, but I do and I’m sorry. For everything.”

It goes silent in the wake of her rant. Regina is almost panting, tense from the emotions coursing through her. Janis looks at her, making no move to speak, but also no move to leave. Regina forces herself into stillness, not wanting Janis to see her fidget. 

“You’re going to have to work at it,” Janis says after a small eternity. “This is your last chance, George.”

“I know, I’ll prove to you that I’ve changed. I promise. I won’t mess it up this time.”

The space between them feels insurmountable. Regina wishes they were back in the bathrooms at school, Janis’ hand gentle on her back. Wishes it didn’t feel impossible for them to get back to that feeling.

“We’ll see.”

It’s as clear a dismissal as Regina’s going to get. She nods at Janis and leaves the garage, each step weighing on her. She doesn’t want to leave, doesn’t want to let Janis go.

Chapter Text

Cady invites everyone out to the mall. Which means Regina has to text Janis to make sure she’s okay with Regina coming. (It hasn’t been that long since her apology – she doesn’t want to make Janis uncomfortable or mess with her processing time.)

The text bounces back, undelivered like all the previous ones.

That little shit, Regina thinks. She still has me blocked.

Her thoughts of goodwill go out the window as she checks instagram and snap. They’re both the same, Regina unable to interact with Janis. And sure, maybe Janis just hasn’t thought about it yet. But Regina doesn’t really want to listen to reason right now. Instead, she emails Janis that it’s rude and dumb of her to still have Regina blocked. She doesn’t even know if Janis checks her email during the summer (Regina doesn’t think she’s opened her own since their group project). She could text Cady or Damian and get to Janis that way, but it feels like cheating. She has to get Janis to unblock her; it’s between them, not anyone else.

She checks her phone every two seconds. It takes literally all day for Janis to get back to her. (It takes 2 hours. Regina is nothing if not dramatic, though, and how dare Janis not get back to her immediately. She had even included a subject line in her email, which is very professional and official. Sure, it was ‘BITCH UNBLOCK ME,’ but it counts.)

The important thing is that Janis texts her – she’s successfully gotten herself unblocked.

Janis: chill dude its only been 2 days since u apologized

Regina can picture how Janis must have rolled her eyes when she got Regina’s email. The exasperated way she must have unblocked her. She feels almost giddy – if Janis didn’t at least partially accept her apology, she just would have emailed her back. Or ignored her altogether. Even still, Regina can’t help herself.

Regina: you should’ve unblocked me then

And you better unblock me on insta and snap

Janis: honestly im considering keeping u blocked

my phone is so quiet

no one is annoying me

so much peace

Regina: :( but who else is going to drive you to the mall tomorrow?

And you can’t expect me to believe Damian doesn’t spam text you

It’s a spur of the moment offer, but Regina means it. She knows Janis doesn’t have a car (and that she failed the driving test like three times), so she’ll be catching a ride no matter what. It might as well be with Regina.

Janis: literally any of our other friends

even Damian can drive me

i plead the 5th on Damian and spam texting

Regina: you want to take the jazzy all the way to the mall?

Is that even legal?

Janis is so stubborn. Regina has a perfectly clean and fabulous Jeep ready to drive her to the mall and Janis would rather scooter ? 

Janis: …fine

but I get to bring Damian

and I get to choose the music

Regina: You get to choose 3 songs and that’s me being generous

of course I’ll pick Damian up too

I’ll pick you up at 1

Janis likes her last message, and Regina figures that’s good enough. They managed to have a civil conversation, that’s a good sign, right? But if Janis thinks she’s choosing the music she has another thing coming. No way is Regina listening to whatever underground grunge Janis listens to regularly. (Maybe she should pick up Damian first so Janis won’t have access to the radio. That also means she might have to listen to showtunes, though. Damn. Should she just not pick them up?)

Regina reminds herself to be nice. Resigns herself to a drive filled with music she doesn’t know.

~~~~

Damian climbs into the front seat, pulling out his phone and taking a few selfies. He makes Regina pose for a couple.

“You’re acting like you spotted a celebrity,” Regina says through her smile.

“Girl, I might as well have! A theater nerd in Regina George’s car? The world must be going insane.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Regina rolls her eyes. “Better get used to it now that we’re friends.”

Pulling back onto the road, she eyes Damian out of the corner of her eye. “How’ve you been? It’s been a while.”

“It wouldn’t have been that long if you weren’t still mostly avoiding us,” Damian admonishes. Before Regina has a chance to defend herself (she’s going to a group hangout now, isn’t she?), he continues, “But I’m good, enjoying a summer flirtation with a lifeguard.”

“Sounds steamy,”

She watches him fan himself. “Oh, it is. What have you been up to lately?”

The past couple of weeks have been filled with working out; resting her back from working out too hard; and hanging with Gretchen, Karen, and Cady. The past couple of days have been filled with literally any activity that will keep her from thinking about Janis and her apology and how Janis might be taking it.

“Nothing much,” Regina says. “It’s been a quiet summer so far.”

“We’ve got plenty of time to change that, don’t you worry.”

As they chat, Regina navigates towards Janis’ house.

“Do you need directions?” Damian asks.

As though she wouldn’t remember, as though she wasn’t just there. (Did Janis not tell Damian what happened? Or did she just not mention that it happened in the garage?)

“No, I’ve got it.” Her fingers tap against the wheel. “Did Janis tell you, uh, anything?”

“I know you apologized, yeah.”

Regina hums. “I don’t think she really accepted it.”

“Just give her time.” He pokes at her arm. “She’s letting you drive her to the mall, that’s something.”

“Yeah.” It doesn't feel like enough. 

She forces herself to ask more about Damian’s summer fling, even though she really doesn’t need any sordid details. She tries getting him to play music, hoping that will work to stop Janis once she’s in the car.

Damian doesn’t take the bait, no matter how hard Regina tries. Janis gets control of the aux, much to Regina’s chagrin. Because Janis is out to get her. That is the only explanation for the noise that pulses through her car. Not even Damian looks like he’s having a good time, but like the best friend he is, he doesn’t say anything to Janis.

Glancing in the rearview mirror, Regina can see mischief written all over Janis’ face. So it’s definitely on purpose. As much as she doesn’t want to, Regina holds her tongue. She told Janis she’d have three songs and she’ll get three songs. Even if it’s painful. Her hands tighten around the wheel as the last of the songs starts to play. She hates this song with a passion, and Janis knows it. Regina grits her teeth so hard she hears something creak. To drown out the cacophony coming from her speakers, she makes herself listen to Damian’s rambling story about some theater camp he’s going to in August. (She is never letting Janis have the aux cord again. Permanently banned.)

They reach the mall just in time for Regina to not go insane. Regina takes her time, letting Damian rush on ahead. Janis can’t even get out of the car – Regina turned on child lock halfway through the drive and only flips it off once Damian is out of earshot.  She whirls on Janis, boxing her into the side of the Jeep.

“If you ever make me listen to that fucking crazy frog shit again, I will make you sorry,” she threatens, poking at Janis’ chest. Her voice goes whiny as she says, “You know I hate it and that it gets stuck in my head too easily.”

She pouts at Janis and wriggles in displeasure, stopping herself from stomping petulantly. Janis gives her a faux innocent look, ruined by the smirk that follows immediately after.

“What ? I had no idea that song bothered you. I’m so sorry,” she says, sticky sweet and vapid.

“You’re a liar and I’ll get you back.” Regina sways deeper into Janis’ space, eyes tracking over her face. (She’s so much taller than Janis. It makes a weird feeling fill Regina’s chest – power and something almost protective, maybe.) She’s getting closer for the threat, of course. To be more intimidating.

Her intimidation tactics are unsuccessful. Turns out begging for forgiveness might have messed with her street cred. Now Janis knows Regina’s not going to do anything to her. Instead of cowering and apologizing like she should, Janis just laughs (the audacity, honestly) and ducks around Regina.

“You talk a big game, George.” Again with the last name, with the tangible reminder that they aren’t friends. Janis beckons to Regina. “C’mon, we don't want to lose Damian to the first shiny window display he sees.”

As Regina gets closer, Janis starts to hum the cursed song. Regina wants to reach out and push at Janis’ shoulder, the kind of good-natured touch she sees her friends regularly exchange. She doesn’t. Janis isn’t doing this as a friend teasing her, she’s testing if Regina’s changed. Seeing if Regina will relapse into being mean just because she’s annoyed.

“Can we have a crazy frog truce?” Regina asks tiredly. (She gets why Janis is doing it. That doesn’t mean she has to just take it.)

There’s a flash on Janis’ face like she wants to keep going. “Fine,” she says instead. “Truce. And no more child locking me in the car either.”

“Thanks.” Regina pauses and says, “But you’re child sized. I’m just being safe.”

Janis’ face scrunches, lip curling as she opens her mouth. “I-”

Regina cuts her off before she can get going. “Kidding. Full truce, no more child lock.”

(The song is still stuck in her head. She can consider it penance.)

~~~~~

Regina is lagging and pretending like she’s not. Being upright for hours on end with no breaks is still hell on her back. She doesn’t want to be the one to disrupt the good time everyone’s having (even Regina is having fun, when she can take her mind off her back. It’s just the ‘taking her mind off her back’ bit that’s the hard part). Gritting her teeth against the pain, Regina shifts her bags again so their weight pulls her muscles into a slightly less painful position.

Cady pops up next to her as they’re about to enter another store, a hand on her arm making Regina stop walking.

“Hey guys?” she says, getting the group’s attention. “Regina and I are going to split off. I need her help with something. We’ll catch up in a little bit.”

Everyone nods and says that they’ll see them later. Not giving Regina time to protest, Cady leads her away. They weave through the mall until they reach a quiet area lined with benches. All the stores around them are shuttered and closed, gone out of business. It doesn’t look like anyone comes down to this section very often.

“Sit, put your feet up,” Cady commands. “You need a break, right?”

Regina’s surprised. She didn’t expect anyone to be paying enough attention to her to notice. “Yeah.”

She sits on the bench, sighing in relief as the change in position lets some of the pressure off her back. She leans back, letting the tension slowly ease out of her muscles. They sit in silence until Regina’s feeling a bit more stable.

“Thanks for not making my back a whole thing,” Regina says.

“Of course. I don’t think anyone else noticed. You were a doing a good job of hiding it. I just-” She shrugs, giving Regina an awkward half-smile. “I have a bit more experience with your injury than anyone else.”

Regina chuckles. “At this point, you probably know more about it than I do.”

She relaxes further onto the bench. As nice as this is, she can’t help but long for her bed, for the multitude of pillows she can tuck under her back and knees until she’s pain free.

Cady stands and walks to Regina’s side. “Turn so you can put your feet on the bench. We can do a couple of your PT stretches so hopefully you’ll be able to make it through the rest of the day.”

Half-heartedly checking to see if anyone is around, Regina does what Cady asks. She starts to lean into one of the basic stretches the physical therapist gave her.

“Sorry that I didn’t think about your back when I planned this,” Cady says.

Regina shakes her head. “No worries. I don’t expect anyone else to remember when I barely want to think about it.”

“Still,” Cady says quietly.

It really isn’t a big deal. Instead of focusing on that, Regina turns her attention to leaning deeper into the stretch.

“Do you mind if I help?”

“Please.”

A moment later, Cady’s hands land on her back, one in the middle and the other resting between her shoulder blades.

“Have you been doing your stretches?” Cady asks, slowly increasing the pressure on Regina’s back so she can stretch further.

“I’ve been stretching,” Regina tries, keeping it vague. And she has been. It’s just that maybe she’s been slacking on her PT exercises now that she doesn’t go see the therapist anymore.

She gasps in pain when she reaches a certain point in the stretch, the pain coming to an acute point and radiating along her entire back. Cady tsks at her, slowly letting up on the pressure until Regina’s back in a neutral position. Circling back around Regina, Cady sits on the opposite bench.

“That stretch used to be a lot easier for you.” She doesn’t say anything else, just waits Regina out, watching her until she breaks.

“I do stretch regularly,” Regina qualifies. “I just maybe don’t do my PT as much.”

“You’re in pain,” Cady says sadly. “This is why your physical therapist told you about these exercises. They focus on you back, make it stronger so this doesn’t happen. Do the exercises you do now do that?”

Regina grumbles. Cady has her pinned, which is annoying. “Maybe not.”

It’s just that she hates it. She hates having to do special exercises, hates that this injury is going to follow her around for the rest of her life. She can’t do anything without taking her back into consideration first. The injury, the pain, dictates so much and she’s tired of it. So yeah, she avoided doing her PT because if she acts like she’s better, maybe it will actually happen.

“Do you want me to start reminding you again?” Cady looks down at her lap, fidgeting with her fingers. “Or we could meet up? I can hang out while you do your normal exercises, and after we can do PT stuff?”

If Regina’s honest with herself, something in their friendship has felt fractured since that day in the hall when Cady got shoved into the locker. It’s only gotten worse since Cady dragged her into the classroom after the mess with Janis. It doesn't feel like they ever really found closure around that. Regina’s not quite sure how to hold herself around Cady anymore - she prefers the buffer of Gretchen and Karen between them. Maybe this will fix that, help them get on the same page. 

“I usually exercise in the mornings, pretty early.” Regina is ready to stop there but surprises herself. She wants this connection with her friend more that she realized. “I can change the time, though, if you don’t want to be up at like 7am during the summer.”

“I’m up with my mom anyways. We do nature walks in the mornings!”

Of course she does, Regina thinks fondly, watching as Cady shoots her a wide smile.

“Then yeah, feel free to come over whenever,” Regina says, keeping her tone even in a bid not to seem desperate.

(Regina will learn that Cady doesn’t have an athletic bone in her body. It’s almost impressive, really, the amount that she struggles.)

Now, though, they do a few more stretches before returning to the group. It helps, but Regina still sprawls out on her bed with pillows supporting various parts of her body the second she gets home.

Gretchen’s parents decide to let them use their lake house for a weekend (Gretchen convinces her parents Friday also counts as the weekend, and she’s everyone’s hero for getting them an extra day). It’s about all anyone can talk about the week leading up to it, the group chat going almost nonstop with ideas. The only downside is that it’s in Michigan, about five hours away. (Which means it’ll actually be seven or eight with all the stops they’re bound to make. Regina’s open to being pleasantly surprised, but she knows her friends. They’ll be making many stops.)

They decide (Regina floats the idea and shoots down any opposition) to get on the road early so they can still have most of Friday to be by the lake. Early enough that it may as well be late at night and, even though it was her idea, Regina is not looking forward to having to wake up her passengers. She’s picking up Cady, Gretchen, and Karen since they’re the closest to her house. Aaron is the other driver, picking up the rest.

Regina’s surprised Cady didn’t insist on riding with Aaron. Usually they’re so attached Regina can barely tell where one stops and the other begins. (She was never that clingy when she dated Aaron, and it almost grosses her out to think about cuddling with him now.)

With the way they’ve done car assignments, Regina doesn’t envy Aaron at all. This way, she doesn’t have to deal with early morning Janis, a beast she would rather encounter as little as possible. At least he’ll have Damian to contain the disaster, although she’s not sure how he is in the mornings.

The people in her car at least know not to make Regina wait. She had talked to them about it when everything had been decided. She has no issue making a scene to get them out of the house. She will lay on the horn until they come out, sleeping neighbors be damned.

Pick up goes smoothly. Karen and Gretchen are still in their pajamas when she picks them up from their houses, eyes barely open as they tumble into the backseat. Cady is waiting outside, fully dressed and smiling. She’s still tired, Regina can tell, but she’s doing her best to hide it.

Regina plays her music quietly as she merges onto the highway. Her passengers are barely conscious. Gretchen and Karen are somehow managing to cuddle while still having their seatbelts fastened. Cady is doing her best to stay awake, but Regina can see her head bob forward every few minutes.

“Just recline,” Regina commands, keeping her eyes on the road as she blindly reaches out to nudge Cady. “You can go to sleep; I’ll wake you up if I need something.”

“You sure?” Cady’s words slur together.

“Go to sleep, Cady.”

Moments later, Cady disappears from her peripherals as the seat reclines. She hears Cady adjust herself until she’s comfortable, the entire car going quiet except for sleep-steady breathing and quiet music. The drive is peaceful, not too much traffic early in the morning.

Regina gets a call about two and a half hours into the drive. Cady’s awake, so Regina passes the call off to her. It’s Aaron, wanting to know when they should stop for food (or, that’s the point of the call after making Regina listen to one-sided gooey couple talk for five minutes). Teenage boys and their stomachs. Though, it’d be nice to stretch her legs, give her back a chance to relax. Regina nods at Cady to let her know she’s good with stopping. After further discussion that Regina, again, only hears half of, they agree to pull off at the next exit. Damian apparently found a diner with pretty good reviews about ten minutes from the highway.

Regina climbs out of the car, twisting and stretching her back until it pops. She hears Cady suck in a breath from over her shoulder, and peeks back to see her wincing in Regina’s direction.

“It’s fine. Cracking it felt really nice, actually.”

“If you say so. I could never.” Regina realizes that she’s never seen Cady actually crack anything, not even her knuckles.

Shrugging at Cady, she moves to the back of the car where Karen and Gretchen are still piled together in the backseat. She opens the door, nudging Gretchen’s side until she jolts and looks up, looking at Regina in confusion.

“Are we here?”

“The fact that you think I’d let you bitches sleep for the entire drive is wild. No, we’re just stopping for breakfast,” Regina laughs.

The group stumbles into the diner, all uncoordinated limbs and sleepy jostling as they get settled. Aaron and Regina share a look over everyone’s heads as they’re pushed around by teenage zombies. They manage to get seated, Regina somehow ending up between Janis and the wall.

The waitress comes over once everyone is settled. She looks over the table, the expression on her face telling Regina she’s about a second away from fawning over them. She introduces herself and Regina orders coffee for the table (and a tea for Karen – no one needs to see that girl on full caffeine).

As the waitress pours everyone coffee, Regina feels a weight hit her shoulder for a second before disappearing. Looking over, she sees Janis swaying in place, blinking like she’s struggling to keep her eyes open. The blinks slow down and Janis slumps again, hitting Regina’s shoulder before shooting back up.

If Janis wants to use her as a pillow, Regina doesn’t mind. She’s not sure if that’s actually what Janis wants, or if she’s just tired enough not to care who she ends up sleeping against. (She hopes it’s the first. Knows that Janis would never want to be close to her like that.)

Regina ducks her head so she’s a bit closer. Keeping her tone light, she whispers, “Tired, huh?”

Janis turns her head, eyes still only half open. Inches away, this is the closest they’ve been in a while. Janis has a bit of a crease near her nose, like she’d somehow managed to position her face right against the edge of the seatbelt. It’s fading, but the skin is still pink and indented. She looks so grumpy, less put together than Regina’s used to in her plain t-shirt and sweats. She looks unguarded in her exhaustion. (She looks cute. Not that Regina should be noticing that.)

“No sane person is up this early in the summer.”

“I’m usually awake around now.”

Janis snorts, smiling sleepily. Regina finds herself mirroring the expression, trying to keep it under control.

“You know that just proves my point, right?” Janis says.

Regina gasps. “Just for that, I won’t let you use me as a pillow.”

Please use me as a pillow. (Regina ignores that thought.)

“Oh no, whatever will I do,” Janis says, completely deadpan as she slowly tips away from Regina.

She leans up against Damian, shifting to get comfortable as she gives Regina a shit-eating grin. He raises his arm and loops it around her without breaking his conversation with Aaron. Like they’ve done it before. Like they’ve done this enough times for it to be second nature. Regina rolls her eyes to hide the pang of loss (and something deeper, almost angrier) as she watches them.

She turns her attention to the menu in front of her. She’s still not too hungry in the mornings, so she decides on an egg white omelet with peppers and cheese. (If she didn’t need the energy to drive, she’d probably skip.) Glancing through the rest of the menu, she sees something Janis would like. A full breakfast that comes with with two eggs, hashbrowns, toast, pancakes, and a choice between bacon and sausage. She turns her head, about to point it out when she notices that Janis has fallen asleep against Damian’s side, face completely relaxed and her mouth open slightly.

Regina will have to order for her.

The waitress returns and they all start to give their orders. When she reaches Janis, she smiles, saying, “And for sleeping beauty here?”

“She’ll have the full breakfast.”

“The full breakfast, please.”

Regina and Damian speak at the same time, Damian giving Regina a weird look. She responds with a raised eyebrow.

“How would you like the eggs cooked?”

“Over easy,” they answer together.

“Sounds good. Would she like the bacon or sausage?”

“Bacon,” Damian says.

Regina answers, again at the same time, “Sausage.”

“She likes bacon,” Damian tells her. As though Regina doesn’t know that.

“It’s too early,” Regina protests, speaking from countless Saturdays of Janis turning her nose up at the breakfast food. “The bacon is going to be too salty.”

“You know that doesn’t make sense,” Damian says. “What does the time of day have to do with salt?”

“She doesn’t like too much salt before she’s fully awake.” She looks at the waitress, who looks quite entertained by the mini fight that’s occurring over the head of the sleeping teen. “She’ll have the sausage.”

She doesn’t leave any room for argument. Damian, as much as it looks like he wants to change the order, rolls his eyes and lets it happen. As he should.

“Of course, hun. Anything else?” She looks around the table, everyone shaking their heads one by one. She reads their orders back to them, putting special emphasis on Janis’ sausage order and giving Regina a smile. “It’ll be right out. Holler if you need anything.”

“So,” Regina says to the table, wanting to draw attention away from the weird fight she and Damian just had. “What’s the plan for the day?”

“I want to swim,” Karen says.

“I do too,” Gretchen chimes in, almost before Karen’s finished speaking. “We’ve got plenty of floats and stuff. There might even be a canoe somewhere.”

“I’m down for a water day,” Aaron says. “It’s supposed to be hot, so it’s better than a hike or something.”

Regina curls her lip at the mention of hiking. “I am not hiking. I’ll lounge on shore while you guys are in the water.”

“You have to get in, though, Regina,” Cady pleads. “It’ll be fun!”

Regina’s idea of fun isn’t exactly swimming around in gross lake water. She looks around the table, being met with puppy dog eyes from all angles, even Aaron joining in.

“Ugh, fine.” Regina’s too soft now, look at her giving in without any real fight. God, who has she become. “Just for a little while, though.”

Cady starts to cheer but catches herself, looking at Janis still tucked against Damian, dead to the world. “This is going to be so fun!”

They fall into more discussions about the weekend, talking quietly as they wait for their food. Regina gets roped into stopping at the grocery store to pick up supplies for the rest of the weekend. At least this way she can control the quality of the food – she doesn’t want to know what teen boy junk food nightmare Aaron, Damian, and Janis would’ve picked up.

Janis wakes up as the food arrives. It’s like the smell revives her, her eyes opening seconds after her plate lands in front of her.

“Did you order for me?” she asks Damian, sleep droopy and delicate as she sits up.

He glances at Regina. “Not quite. Queen B over there took over. She got you the full breakfast with sausage.”

“Sausage?” Janis questions quietly before looking at Regina.

“Bacon’s too salty, right?” Regina’s earlier confidence is gone. She hopes she’s not wrong, that the half-remembered preference hasn’t changed.

Janis looks confused, but gives Regina a small, close-lipped smile. “Yeah, that’s right.”

Regina nods and looks away, done with whatever weird energy is building between them. She catches Gretchen’s eye, an unreadable expression on the other girl’s face as she looks between Regina and Janis.

“What?” Regina mouths.

Gretchen doesn’t answer, giving her a bright smile and shaking her head. Regina is suspicious, but there’s not exactly a good reason to question Gretchen further.

Breakfast is delicious. And weird. Halfway through the meal, a small pile of hashbrowns appears on her plate. She looks over at Janis, who’s looking at her with a slight furrow between her brows. 

“You still like those, right?”

Regina’s not the only one who remembers past habits. Regina never liked hashbrowns enough to get a full serving, but she always wanted some, so she’d steal a few bites from Janis whenever they’d go out for breakfast with Janis’ parents. Over time, it turned into Janis just cutting a portion off for her and putting it on Regina’s plate. Just like she’s doing now.

“Yeah, I do. Uh, thank you.”

Janis grunts, face going blank again like she just remembered she’s supposed to be angry at Regina still. For once, Regina doesn’t let it get to her. Janis had done something from when they were kids. If Regina hadn’t looked at her she wonders if Janis would have even said anything. 

The hashbrowns taste better than they ever have before. 

Chapter Text

How the last half of the drive takes almost double the time of the first half, Regina isn’t sure. She’s not surprised, though. A little bit of traffic slowed them down, but that’s not the biggest issue. There’s a constant stream of “wait can we stop I need to-” until Regina puts her foot down, telling everyone that they’re not stopping until they go to the supermarket. She wants to get to the lake sometime in this century, and if she spends any more time in the car, she will kill someone. 

She’s just thankful Aaron is in a similar situation. 

Aaron: they keep. needing. to. stop. 

Regina: you’re telling me. Karen has had to pee THREE times in the past hour

im going to strangle someone

Aaron: pls dont strangle my gf i’d miss her

Regina:  simp

When they finally reach the store, Gretchen and Karen go crazy, grabbing what seems to be any food that catches their attention. Despite Regina and Cady’s attempts to wrangle them, their cart still ends up full of more food than they could go through in a week. 

“We can’t get all this, we don’t need it,” Regina tries. “Do we really need five different boxes of cereal?”

Gretchen leans over the cart and tries to shield the cereal from Regina’s view. “Well Cady likes Cheerios best, and Damian prefers Coco Puffs, and Aaron’s favorite is Apple Jacks so-”

“There are no cereals that everyone will enjoy?” Regina rubs at the bridge of her nose, doing her best to stave off the headache that’s been building since they left the diner. (Why does Gretchen even know this much about everyone’s cereal preferences?)

“Well, I guess there’s Froot Loops, but-”

“Great, grab a box of that and put everything else back.”

And so on and so forth until they have only the essentials.

Regina plans to use her tried and true method of getting alcohol: tits, a convincing fake, and lots of flirting. Adjusting her shirt so it exposes more of her cleavage, she finds the dorkiest looking cashier and approaches. Almost instantly, his eyes are glued to her chest. It makes Regina want to roll her eyes. Maybe vomit. Men are so predictable. She might even get away with not pulling her ID out, if she plays this right. Two minutes, about a dozen fake smiles, and a few ‘oh my god, you’re so smarts’ later and they’re making their way out of the store with a case of beer, two 12-packs of White Claw, and a host of other groceries for the weekend. 

In the end, they make it. (And Regina is going to insist on a 3 stop maximum on the way home. She’s not going through this again.)

A long, winding driveway leads them to the house. The house is huge, sitting in the middle of the forest right on the lakefront. It’s a blend of modern and old-fashioned, mostly wood cabin aesthetics with large windows and clean lines. There’s no one close on either side, giving them solid privacy for the entire weekend. 

When they pull up, Aaron, Damian, and Janis are all waiting in the driveway. They all perk up when Regina stops next to Aaron’s station wagon. Regina climbs out of the car, getting the cartoonish urge to fall to the ground and kiss it in thanks. She doesn’t want to see her car for the next two days, please and thank you. Instead of falling to the ground, she bends backwards to stretch out her back. Two concerningly loud cracks echo through the forest.  She aches after driving for that long.

“Took you guys long enough,” Aaron snarks, smirking at Regina over Cady’s head as she nuzzles into his chest. 

“Do not, Samuels,” Regina says, fake annoyed, all eyes narrowed and snarling. (But also real annoyed. It took so goddamn long to get here. She needs space. She needs to stretch properly.)

They lug all their supplies from the cars to the front door, waiting for Gretchen to find her keys so they can go inside. Finally, the door opens and they all spill into the foyer, everyone making appreciative sounds as they look around the space. 

The cabin is mostly open concept, large windows filling the rooms with golden natural light. The modern log cabin vibes continue with the decor, a tasteful blend that Regina knows is the result of a very expensive interior designer. 

Gretchen steps in front of everyone and holds her arms out as if showing off the space (Regina gets flashes of the future, the first of Gretchen as a campus tour guide, the next of Gretchen as a real estate agent.) “So there should be plenty of space for everyone. There are three rooms with queen beds, and one room with two twins. Twin room and one of the queen rooms are upstairs. Other two are on this floor. We can discuss where-”

Janis steps forward, slinging her duffle bag over her shoulder in one smooth movement. “Damian and I will take the twin room,” she interrupts. “That way the couple can stay together. Just leaves the trio formerly known as plastic to figure themselves out.”

She tilts her head at Damian and heads for the stairs. Damian follows her, shrugging at everyone else as he goes. 

“Well that makes it easy.” Aaron grabs Cady’s hand and they head for one of the rooms on the main level. 

Regina glances between Gretchen and Karen. Karen smiles, a vacant expression on her face as she looks around. Regina can read the panic all over Gretchen’s face and smiles to herself. 

“Sorry, Gretchen. I have trouble sleeping with someone in my bed because of my back. You’ll have to room with Karen.”

Gretchen gives her a dirty look, but Regina just raises an eyebrow and shrugs. It’s not even really a lie. Plus, she’s helping. As they gather their bags and begin dispersing to their rooms, Gretchen stops Regina. 

“What was that for?” she hisses, eyes tracking Karen’s progress as she winds through the house, looking at the tchotchkes scattered around.

“I’m giving you a chance to make a move,” Regina says. “Why are you annoyed with me?”

Gretchen looks uncertain, eyes darting to her feet as she worries at her lip. “Do you think she’s interested?”

Regina makes a show of checking Gretchen out. She smiles and winks at her. “Babe, if I were into girls, I’d be into you.”

Gretchen freezes, eyebrows raising in surprise before she blinks away whatever confusion she had been feeling. She narrows her eyes at Regina and gives her a weird look.

“What? You’re hot, and Karen has definitely said so before, you’ve heard her. She’d have to be blind and an idiot not to be into you.”

Gretchen opens and closes her mouth a few times like she’s trying to find words. “Um, thanks, Regina. I appreciate it.”

Regina tosses her hair and hefts her bag a bit higher. “Of course.”

“Karen and I will take the other room on this floor. You okay with the one upstairs? You just have to share a bathroom with Janis and Damian.”

“That’s,” Regina clears her throat. “That’s fine.”

(It beats the truly horrifying possibility of having to listen to Cady and Aaron fuck, so Regina will take the potential of an awkward bathroom encounter any day.)

She stays downstairs long enough to watch Gretchen gently gather Karen, leading her to their room with a hand on her back (and red-tipped ears).

She heads up the stairs, hearing muffled conversation from behind the closed door of Janis and Damian’s room as she goes past.  She pauses, definitely not to hear the conversation. Regina is too respectful to do something like that. She’s looking at the really nice picture of Gretchen’s – huh, Regina thinks. I think that’s her dog that died last year .

“Behave yourself, ok? No sneaky comments or weird looks at her or me, alright?” Regina just happens to overhear Janis say.

“Ugh, be boring then,” Damian might’ve said, if Regina were listening in instead of admiring the picture of a long deceased pet. He’s such a nice looking…pug? Maybe? 

The conversation dies, and Regina continues on to her room, bored of looking at the photos. 

Regina’s room for the weekend is spacious. Just like the rest of the house, there’s plenty of natural light coming in from a bay window that faces the lake. There’s a small love seat under the window – a good place for coffee in the morning. 

The bed is large, across the room from the window, with a bunch of pillows that Regina is definitely going to use to soothe the ache in her back. She sets her bag down at the foot of the bed and starts sorting them. The firmer pillows are going to be better for tucking under her knees, while the larger, softer pillows should be good to tuck under her lower back and head. 

Piles made, she debates unpacking her clothes. She wants to avoid wrinkles, even if the only people who are going to see her are her friends who probably don’t give a shit. Her clothes are efficiently unpacked into the small chest of drawers tucked into a corner.

Once everyone has gotten settled in their rooms, they meet back in the main area.

“So are we swimming?” Damian asks, already dressed in his swim trunks, a towel tossed over his shoulders.

“Yeah! While everyone’s getting ready, you and I can pull out some of the floats and games from the shed,” Gretchen says, also already in her bathing suit, covered by a sheer robe.

“The dream team,” Damian singsongs, holding his hand out for a high five. 

Regina says, “I need like thirty minutes or so to lie down. My back is acting up, but once I rest I should be fine. I’ll meet you all outside.”

“This better not be you trying to get out of enjoying the lake,” Damian jokes with a smile and a wink. (Damian can be more devious than Regina sometimes. She hadn’t even thought about that.)

At the same time, Cady steps forward, arms already outstretched like she’s going to touch Regina’s back. “Do we need to do some stretches? I don’t mind hanging back too, if you need some help.”

Regina smiles. “No worries. This is more of a lay down and take some advil pain than anything. Thanks, though.”

Sure, it would be nice if she did some stretches, but Regina doesn’t want to be around anyone right now, much less Cady, who she was trapped in a car with for almost eight hours. She’ll take her meds and a nap and it’ll be fine. 

“Alright,” Cady squeezes Regina’s arm. “Let us know if you need anything.”

Regina nods and leaves everyone to their discussion. Collapsing onto the bed with enough pillows supporting her that all the pressure is off her back feels like heaven. She melts into the soft mattress and lets her eyes flutter closed. 

~~~~~

The sounds of music and yelling wake her up. A quick shift from side to side tells her that her back is feeling a bit better. It’s still achy, but not enough to make her bedridden. This is her first time driving a distance like this since the accident. Seven and a half hours is definitely her limit.

Climbing out of bed, she quickly changes, avoiding looking at herself in the mirror until she’s fully dressed. It’s weird, her perception of herself. She knows she looks good, has been told over and over that she’s hot/beautiful/gorgeous. So she knows she doesn’t look bad. But as she stares at herself in the mirror, all she can see are the flaws. Her stomach and hips and thighs still hold the extra weight she gained during junior year, the strings of her pink and black bikini sinking into the soft skin. Even though she can see the places where muscles are slowly starting to develop, it doesn’t feel like enough. Scars dot her torso from the multitude of cuts and operations in the wake of the bus accident. She’s flawed. She doesn’t look the way she should. She twists and turns in the reflection, inspecting herself and tallying up all the things that are wrong with her.

She’s gotta stop. She knows it, doesn’t know how to achieve it.

She clings to the intellectual knowledge that she looks good, wears it like armor when all she feels is doubt.

She pulls on a large t-shirt as a cover up and walks down to the lake. The music and laughter gets louder as she gets closer. Everyone is in the water already, Damian and Karen playing with a beach ball while Cady hangs on to the edge of a pier that juts into the water. Aaron and Gretchen are crouched in the shallows, performing some sort of surgery on a swan floaty that’s half filled with air. Janis is on a pool lounger, already tan skin turning a shade darker in the sun as she sways on the gentle waves. 

Aaron is the first to notice her. He smiles and waves her over, catching Gretchen’s attention.

“Regina!” she calls. “How are you feeling? Is your back better? Do you need me to-”

“Gretchen,” Regina cuts in. “I’m all good. I’m gonna chill here.”

“No, you’ve gotta get in the water!” Apparently they’ve gained everyone’s attention as Karen speaks up. 

“I can just-” Regina stops as she watches Karen stare at her with pleading eyes, a lip quiver thrown in for good measure. Damian, seeing Karen, joins in on the puppy dog eyes. “Guys. ”

Even Janis joins in, albeit in a different way.

“What, scared of a little water, George?” she yells, pushing her sunglasses to the top of her head.

Regina twitches at the name. She frowns at everyone. “Didn’t we, like, learn that peer pressure is bad in school or whatever?”

Janis doesn't let up with the ribbing. “Ooo, nerdy and a scaredy cat.”

Regina sends her a half-hearted glare.

Cady pouts from her place at the edge of the pier, looking like a mermaid as her eyes peer up over the wood. “You promised you’d come in the water.”

“God, fine, but if I catch something weird you’re all paying my medical bills.”

Janis snorts. “As if.”

Regina retreats to the pile of clothes and sunscreen further up on shore. She sheds her cover up, tossing it in the pile. She quickly applies sunscreen and makes her way down the pier. At least it doesn’t look like Cady will make her do anything too ridiculous. They can hang out by the pier together. 

“Regina George, ” Damian calls out, scandalized. “You’ve been holding out on us.”

Regina looks around, confused. “I’m not – what are you talking about?”

“Those arms, girl! I didn’t know you had muscles like that.”

She hadn’t thought the changes from her exercise were obvious to anyone but her. Her arms are a bit more toned, the muscle a little more evident than usual. She can feel her friends looking at her. Projects her usual confidence, striking a pose. Just wants to put her shirt back on.

“The power of exercise, I guess.”

Wanting everyone’s eyes off her, Regina rushes into the water, leaping over Cady and curling into a cannonball as she hits the water. It’s cold for a second before her body adjusts. She hadn’t planned on getting her hair wet. So much for that. She surfaces, paddling back over to Cady. She can still have a mostly chill time in the lake.

~~~~~

She gasps as Karen splashes her, blinking water out of her eyes. “You’re gonna pay for that,” Regina threatens, a wide smile on her face.

Karen squeals and laughs, begging Regina for mercy as she starts running away, progress hindered by the water. Regina gives her a second to get a head start, wiping her face off before diving beneath the surface, kicking towards Karen. When she’s close, she plants her feet and launches herself at Karen, tackling her into the water.

They both come up for air, trying to catch their breath through their laughter. “Got you,” Regina pants, wrapping an arm around Karen’s shoulders. 

“I got water up my nose,” Karen says. As Regina goes to apologize, she continues. “Do you think it bothers fish when they get water up their nose?”

Karen’s fine. Regina laughs and squeezes Karen’s shoulder in a little side hug before releasing her.

She gets pulled into a game of Marco Polo and feels like she’s in elementary school. (Does she roll her eyes when Cady asks to play? Yes, of course. Does she also have more fun than she’s had in a while? Yes, but she’s not admitting that to anyone. They should be able to tell from the way she’s actually participating and the fact that she was ‘it’ one round.)

Regina can’t participate in games like chicken. (And she needs someone to explain why her friends love it so much. She’s pretty sure they’ve played it every single time they’ve been at the pool so far this summer.) Her back can’t take the strain. So, as always, she’s assigned the role of referee. She’s never been fully sure why a ref is necessary – the whole game seems to be pushing and shoving with no rhyme or reason. Regina still tries to keep them on their toes, yelling out random fouls and making up rules. 

Every so often while they’re hanging out by the lake, Regina catches Janis looking at her. She’s not sure if Janis notices her catching the glances. There’s no moment of awkward eye contact and glancing away. She’s probably staring at Regina’s scars –  they stand out, stark and pale against her skin. Regina wishes she had a way to hide them.

Regina is kind of worried about Janis, though. She doesn’t know if she’s putting enough sunscreen on. Every time Regina catches Janis staring, her chest, neck, and face are all a dusty warm red. It’s probably not her place to mention it – Janis might not take it well coming from her – so she just silently hopes someone else makes sure she reapplies. 

(Janis ends up not at all sunburned and Regina is left wondering why she’d been so red all day.)

~~~~~~

Gretchen and Karen make lasagna for dinner. It gets demolished almost faster than Regina can finish her single piece. There’s none left, everyone’s plates licked clean. Karen glows at all the praise everyone heaps on her.

After everyone’s showered and rested a little, they head out to the fire pit. Regina grabs the case of beer and one of the boxes of White Claw for everyone to share. She ends up walking out at the same time as Janis who, surprisingly, has an acoustic guitar slung across her back. Regina didn’t realize she brought it with her. 

“I didn’t know you played acoustic still,” Regina says, having seen Janis play electric lately.

Janis glances at her but mostly keeps her eyes on the flickering flames of the fire pit down at the beach. “Yeah, I bring this out every once in a while. Mostly play electric, though.”

Yes, I know, Regina wants to say. I know you play electric but that your dream has always been to learn bass. I know that your mom is happy you started playing electric because you could practice with headphones. I know I know I know.

She doesn’t say any of it. 

~~~~~

Everyone is seated either on various chairs they pulled out of the boat shed or on pieces of driftwood that had been scattered around the fire. Sipping at their beers, the air is filled with quiet conversation as everyone winds down from the day.

The light from the fire flickers across Janis’ face as she plays her guitar. Regina watches the easy way her fingers glide across the strings, the music providing the backdrop to the various conversations happening around the fire. She’s hardly paying attention to what she’s playing, focused on her conversation with Karen and Damian. How Janis is still managing to create lilting, peaceful melodies Regina doesn’t know. It’s impressive, though. Enchanting. Her stomach feels weird. Fluttery. To get rid of the feeling, she brings her beer to her lips, not taking her eyes off Janis as she drinks.

“...Regina?” she hears. “Regina?”

She shakes herself and looks up, meeting Gretchen’s concerned eyes. There’s something knowing in them too. She looks like she’s been trying to get her attention for a while.

“Huh? I’m good, lost in thought. My bad.”

“No worries, I just wanted to see what you thought of…”

As she’s drawn back into the conversation, her eyes drift across the fire once more, landing on Janis once again.  This time, Janis looks up. She makes eye contact with Regina, eyes warm embers. Regina wonders what she sees when she looks at Regina, if the quiet awe she feels is reflected on her face for Janis to discover. Scared of that vulnerability, unsure if she wants Janis to see it, Regina looks back to Gretchen and Aaron.

The soft melody coming from across the fire falters for a second before smoothing back out.

~~~~~

The later it gets, the less calm the atmosphere around the fire becomes. Janis has set her guitar to the side, her playing replaced by Gretchen’s music coming through a portable speaker. Everyone is loopy, the early start and long day only compounding the effects of the alcohol they’ve all drunk.

“I think,” Karen says, standing up suddenly. Damian reaches up to steady her as she sways dangerously. “We should play a game.”

“Yes!” Cady cheers. “I want to play Uno.”

A beat. 

“Not that kind of game, babe,” Aaron murmurs, leaning over to wrap an arm around her shoulder.

“We could make it into a drinking game,” Cady pouts. 

“How about we start with somethin’ easy?” Regina asks.

“Never have I ever!” Gretchen and Karen blurt at the same time.

They all look around the fire at each other, shrugging and nodding in agreement. 

“Who’s up first?” Damian asks, chugging the remainder of his drink. 

“I think you’re supposed to save that for the game,” Janis says.

“I’m not playing never have I ever with a warm beer. I’m breaking out the vodka Aaron brought.”

Suddenly, everyone’s finishing off their own drinks and grabbing cups that Regina hadn’t even noticed. The vodka gets passed around, but-

“Do we have mixers?” Regina asks, looking at the clear liquid in her cup. 

Everyone looks at Aaron, who shrugs guiltily. “Sorry?” he tries.

“Shots instead of sips?” Gretchen asks.

Regina mutters, “Do we have a choice?” 

“Everyone get ready to drink, I want to play,” Karen says, pouring herself a drink.

“Karen, honey,” Gretchen says. “That’s like three shots.”

“Oh,” Karen looks at her cup before shrugging it and bringing it to her lips. She starts chugging it, Gretchen lunging to stop her.

“That’s not what I meant, oh my god,” she hisses, pulling the cup away.

Karen shudders, pulling a face. “Icky. I’m ready to play now.”

Regina, wide eyed, makes eye contact with an equally stunned looking Damian. Slowly, he shakes his head and they both go back to watching the show.

Gretchen looks like she’s not sure if she should fully take Karen’s drink or if she should just let it go. Finally, she sighs and lets go of Karen, letting her have the cup back.

“I’ll go first,” she says. “Um, never have I ever forgotten mixers.”

Aaron throws his hands up. “This is targeted!”

“Yes, it is.” Gretchen nods. “Now drink.”

Janis also drinks. She and Aaron pull the same disgusted face as they take their shots, making laughter erupt around the circle.

“Never have I ever worn pink on Wednesday,” Aaron shoots back.

Regina rolls her eyes and drinks, joined by the rest of the former plastics. Shaking off the burn, she looks at Aaron. “You wore pink on Wednesday once when we first started dating. Played yourself, loser.”

“Fuck,” Aaron says, pouring himself a shot and knocking it back. Everyone else who drank takes the opportunity to refill their cups. 

Cady jumps in.  “Never have I ever stolen a scooter from my grandmother.”

Damian drinks, flipping Cady off. “Like you haven’t enjoyed a ride on the jazzy before.”

“I don’t know if enjoy is the right word, D,” Janis says.

“See if I ever give you another ride, then,” says Damian, turning his nose up. “Never have I ever failed my driving test three times.”

Janis shoves at Damian’s shoulder, almost tipping him off the log he’s sitting on. He lets out an indignant squawk as he barely manages to catch himself. She and Karen drink, to literally no one’s surprise. 

“Never have I ever touched a tiger,” Karen says, staring Cady down.

“How many times-” Cady’s protest is cut off by everyone questioning Regina as she drinks. 

She shrugs. “It’s not a big deal. When I was a kid we went on vacation and visited one of those sketchy zoos where they let you hold the animals. Super unethical, but I was like five.”

The game goes on until most of the group is messily drunk, yelling over each other as they play. Aaron has to rescue Cady from falling in the fire during a particularly impassioned defense of how winning a crown at Spring Fling isn’t the same as winning a contest.

“Never have I ever had a crush on someone in this group,” Damian slurs, smirking as everyone looks at him.

There’s a beat of stillness, of awkward glancing around the fire before people begin to drink. Gretchen, Karen, Aaron, Cady, and Janis all take a shot. Regina doesn’t. She didn’t exactly crush on Aaron. He was a good choice for her rise to the top of the school food chain, popular and smart.

Her eyes are drawn to Janis in particular, for some reason. Her lip curls as she watches her drink. (Who would Janis have a crush on here? Cady, probably. They spent a lot of time together over the school year, and Janis was really torn up about her going full mean girl. Whatever. It’s not like it can happen, Cady’s straighter than a ruler and very happy with Aaron.) 

After the shots, there’s an air of expectation, like they’re all expecting someone to ask follow up questions. No one seems to want to be the one to start it, so they move on. A few more rounds and everyone’s ready to stop, Gretchen gone enough to lean on Regina’s shoulder, half asleep.

It’s a struggle getting the fire pit extinguished and nearly impossible to herd everyone back up to the house. Karen wants to go swimming, Janis wants to see if she can find a cryptid in the forest, and Damian thinks it’s a good idea to serenade the sky with Evita. Somehow, they all make it back to the house in one piece. 

All Regina wants to do is sleep. Even with the short rest she took earlier, she’s exhausted. Knowing she’ll hate herself in the morning if she doesn’t, though, she grabs her toiletries and makes her way to the bathroom to wash off her makeup and get ready for bed.

The problem with a bathroom with double sinks is that there’s no excuse to turn Janis away when she comes into the room with her toothbrush. Regina nods in acknowledgement before turning her attention back to massaging the last of her serum into her face. 

Once that’s done, she moves to brush her teeth. Regina does her best not to make eye contact, staring intently at herself as she brushes. Even still, her eyes stray at times, catching on Janis’ in the mirror before they both look away. It’s dead silent besides the quiet sounds of their toothbrushes and the not-so-quiet sounds of Damian singing drunkenly to Destiny’s Child. (They do trade foamy grins when Damian tries to hit a high note and his voice cracks. That means Janis doesn’t hate her. So that’s something at least.)

When Janis finishes, she leaves the bathroom, not giving Regina another glance and not saying good night. Regina finishes the rest of her nightly routine as fast as she can, a weird itching restlessness under her skin as she tries not to think about Janis and the clear signs that Regina hasn’t been forgiven yet. 

After the excitement of the day, not even that lingering anxiety can keep her up. She falls into a dead sleep almost as soon as her head hits the pillow. 

Regina wears her sunglasses to the kitchen. One downside no one seems to think of when designing houses with big ass windows is that you can’t escape the fucking sun.

She’s not the first one down. Damian is sitting in one of the bar seats, slouched over the counter, hands cupping a steaming mug of coffee. Aaron is leaning against the counters across the kitchen, his own mug held close to his face. He’s staring into space, eyes bloodshot and unfocused. Cady’s at the stove, hair sticking up every which way as she sluggishly scrambles eggs.

“Morning,” Regina says as she slumps into the seat next to Damian.

Damian groans and Aaron lifts his coffee in a little salute. “Want some?”

“Please.”

Perks of being friends with her ex is that he knows exactly how she likes her coffee, and in a minute the perfect cup is sliding across the counter. She doesn't drink it at first, lowering her face to feel the steam. 

“We have fucking orange juice in the fridge,” Cady groans, hitting her head against the side of the fridge in frustration before letting out a pained whimper. 

Damian doesn’t lift his head off the counter. “You mean I wouldn’t have to be feeling like shit scraped off the highway if your boyfriend had remembered what groceries we had?”

“Why is this just my fault?” Aaron protests. “Anyone else could have remembered to grab the orange juice.”

Regina sticks her hand out, pressing her palm to the center of Aaron’s face. “Shh, your fault. You bring vodka, you also bring juice.”

His voice is muffled from her hand. “I don’t think-”

She presses harder. “Shh, no talking. Give food.”

Aaron rolls his eyes but finishes helping Cady cook. Soon enough, they’re all hunched over plates of toast and eggs. No one is talking, preferring to nurse their hangovers in silence.

Karen bounds into the kitchen as Regina is scooping the last of her eggs off her plate. 

“Good morning!”

The cheerfulness is met with a chorus of groans, Damian going far enough to try to wave her away. 

“How are you acting fine? I think you drank the most out of all of us,” Cady says.

Regina speaks up. “Karen is an alien from outer space who doesn’t get fucking hangovers.”

The rest of the group take a while to emerge, Karen maintaining her title as the only one who woke up without a hangover. 

They agree to make it a quiet day, at least until everyone’s recovered a little.

~~~~~

Regina, dressed for the beach and armed with a book and her headphones, opens the door to her room and almost screams. She jumps, barely managing not to drop the things she’s holding. Karen is right in the doorway, looking equally startled.

“What the fuck?” Regina yelps.

“Sorry! I didn’t know you were coming out.” Karen shifts from foot to foot, looking more nervous than Regina thinks she’s ever seen her. “Can I talk to you?”

Regina is instantly concerned. “Of course. Come in.”

They walk to the loveseat and sit down, Regina angling her body towards Karen. “What’s wrong?”

Big brown eyes turn in her direction, looking more upset than Karen ever should be. That low, protective anger starts up in Regina’s gut.

“Is Gretchen mad at me?”

“What?” Regina is stunned. The protectiveness fizzles out  as confusion sets in. Out of all the problems she expected, this was not one of them. 

“Last night when we were getting ready to sleep I tried to cuddle her and she wouldn’t let me.” Karen pouts. “She always lets me hold her when we have sleepovers.”

Goddamn it, Gretchen, Regina thinks. Try not to let your gay get in the way of actually getting with your crush, maybe?

Rubbing the bridge of her nose, Regina tries to figure out how to smooth this over without alerting Karen to Gretchen’s feelings. 

“Maybe she was too drunk and didn’t want to feel too confined?”

“No, Gretchen likes extra cuddles when she’s drunk.”

Of all the gay shit Gretchen’s done-

“I promise Gretchen isn’t mad at you. Maybe talk to her about it?”

Like the disappointment and sadness was never there, Karen smiles and bounces on her toes. She gives Regina a quick hug and wanders away. Regina isn’t sure why Karen needed Regina to think of the solution of “talk to her,” but she’s happy she could help.

Regina should have a talk with Gretchen. This is ridiculous.

~~~~~

Regina heads straight to Karen and Gretchen’s room. No time like the present, and at least this way she can be sure Karen won’t pop in and hear something she shouldn’t. 

Gretchen looks up, dressed in her bikini top and pajama bottoms. “Oh, hi, Regina! What’s up?”

Regina does one more quick scan of the hallway before she closes the door. “What the hell is your problem?” she hisses.

Gretchen tenses and instantly looks worried, like she’s trying to figure out what Regina could be talking about. She fiddles with the small tube of moisturizing sunscreen in her hands, squeezing it tight enough that Regina’s worried it’ll burst. 

“I don’t – I didn’t-” She looks up at Regina with watery eyes, panic edging into her expression.

Regina sighs. “Sorry, came in a little intense there.” It’s still hard sometimes to regulate her tone, and Gretchen can be sensitive. “Why is Karen coming to me asking if you’re mad at her?”

“I’m not mad at her.”

“I know that, and you know that, but your snuggle buddy doesn’t. You apparently blew her off last night.” Regina moves further into the room, stepping around the mess of Karen’s clothes on the floor.  “I can’t believe you guys cuddle at night. You act like you’re dating without all the benefits.”

Gretchen sits heavily on the bed and buries her face in her hands. Muffled, she says, “I was worried that I would make her uncomfortable. I didn’t want to, like, take advantage of her or anything.”

God, she’s so stupidly noble. 

“You’re an idiot,” Regina tells her point blank. “Your crush wanted to cuddle and you said no. I told her to talk to you, so you’d better get your act together.”

“Do you think she’s going to ask if I have a crush on her? Should I tell her that I do even if she doesn’t ask? Should I tell her I don’t have a crush on her? What if she rejects me because she only likes me as a friend? Will that ruin everything? Am I going to make things awkward and awful enough that she never wants to talk to me again? I’m going to have to move to Alaska and change my name and never see any of you guys again.”

Gretchen looks pleadingly up at Regina, lip quivering as she rocks back and forth slightly. 

“That,” Regina says, waving a hand at all of Gretchen. “Was a lot. Take like two deep breaths.”

Once Gretchen looks a bit calmer and less like she’s going to run into the forest never to be seen again, Regina joins her on the bed. (Is this a physical contact situation? Should Regina, like, wrap an arm around her shoulders or something?) She pats Gretchen’s knee twice before pulling her hand back. 

“It’s Karen, Gretchen. Do you really think anything will be ruined if you confess and she doesn’t like you back?”

Gretchen huffs, flopping back onto the bed. “No .”

“The worst that’ll happen is you being awkward around her for a little while, cause we both know she’s not going to act any differently.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“So?”

“I should tell her,” Gretchen pouts.

Regina laughs. “Don’t sound so disappointed.”

“I’m just scared.”

Now Regina has never been in this situation, but she figures it would be scary. Exposing yourself to that kind of vulnerability. Handing someone a soft part of you and begging them to be gentle with it. To hold you with care.

Regina shudders at the thought.

“I think you’ve got this.” Regina huffs and slaps her palms on her legs, going to stand. “Well, that’s my job done. Now it’s up to you dummies to figure yourselves out.”

As she stands, Gretchen lays a hand on her arm. Regina sits back down. 

“Before you go, could we talk?”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. I just feel like we haven’t talked about you in a while. We’ve been talking a lot about me and my whole thing with Karen, so I wanted to check in.”

That’s kind of nice. Not that Regina thought she was being neglected or anything. Honestly, she thought things were going pretty well – it’s like they’ve been on equal footing for the first time. 

“Oh, yeah sure we can talk.”

“So, like, are there any boys that you have your eye on at school?” Gretchen asks, a calculating look on her face. 

Oh, that kind of talk. Regina probably should’ve seen it coming. But still, why is Gretchen even asking? It’s not like they’ve been around many people Regina could be interested in lately. 

Regina sneers. “Not a chance. Gross.”

Gretchen’s smile freezes on her face for a moment, blink-and-you-miss-it quick. “And why’s that?”

Regina rolls her eyes, getting off the bed to mess with a little picture frame sitting on top of the dresser. “Gretchen, you know all the boys at school are stupid. It’s not like it’s a secret. I’m so far out of their leagues I might as well be on the moon.”

“That’s true, I guess,” Gretchen says with a smile. “What about Shane?”

“He’s a friend. And after seeing my mom fawn over him before Spring Fling, there’s no way I’m dating him.”

“Fair.”  Gretchen pauses. “So there’s no one you have a crush on?”

That weird moment from school, from sitting in class and feeling the strange warmth as she looked at Janis’ outfit pops into Regina’s head. But that wasn’t a crush. Regina is straight and she’s just very dedicated to getting Janis to like her again. As a friend.

Regina narrows her eyes and shakes her head. “Again, no.” 

Why is she pushing this?

“Ugh, you’re so boring,” Gretchen jokes.

Regina darts to the head of the bed, grabbing a pillow and smacking Gretchen with it. Gretchen squeals and tries to fight Regina’s onslaught off. 

“How dare you! I could never be boring.”

“Okay, okay! I take it back, stop hitting me,” Gretchen gasps through her laughter. 

Regina lets up on her assault and puts the pillow down. Heading to the door, she pauses with her hand on the doorknob. 

“Gretchen?”

“Yeah?”

“Tell her. Don’t miss your chance.” One more reminder can’t hurt.

“I won’t.”

Regina nods once and slips out of the room. 

~~~~~

It’s a quiet day at the lake shore for the most part, everyone a bit too hungover for the same rambunctious activities from the day before.

Gretchen and Damian compete against Aaron and Janis in a sandcastle building contest. It mostly devolves into a ‘who can find enough sand to actually build a sandcastle’ contest, as the beach is mostly rocks and scrub brush mixed in with the sand.  Regina and Karen get roped into judging. They’re brought face to face with the saddest castles Regina has ever seen.

“I thought you were supposed to be good at art,” she can’t help but say as she studies Aaron and Janis’s lopsided creation.

It’s mostly trash, honestly, a plastic cup that looks like it’s spent the last fifty years submerged in the muck of the lake providing the central structure that the rest of the castle is built upon.  Strands of algae, bits of broken plastic cutlery, and small twigs act as embellishment for the rocky sand they’ve heaped into the vague idea of a sandcastle.

Janis sputters indignantly. “I am.”

Looking from the sandcastle to Janis and back again, Regina sniffs, a small smile at the edge of her mouth. “Sure you are.”

Janis looks insanely insulted. A flush starts spreading against the base of her neck. Regina watches for the small vein that starts to pulse in neck when Janis is truly angry. When it doesn’t appear, Regina knows Janis is fine, is playing into the charade they’ve started.

She can tease her some more. “Pretty sure Stitch made a better sandcastle than this and he just had a leaf.”

“It’s a,” Janis pauses to think. “It’s a social commentary on the wastefulness of capitalism.”

She gained confidence as she continued speaking, almost sounding like she believed herself by the time she reached the end of her statement.

“You totally just pulled that out of your ass.”

Janis throws her hands up. “That’s half of what art is!”

Regina narrows her eyes at Janis. Janis looks back at her, face pulled into a faux innocent look.

 “I’ll have to talk to my fellow judge about the winner of this challenge. You attempts at creating meaning for this-” She should be nice, right? She shouldn’t call it a steaming pile of shit to Janis’ face? “For this, um, pile is noted and will be discussed.”

“I like our pile,” Aaron says sadly, reminding Regina that it’s not just Janis here.

“May the best castle win,” is all Regina says as she goes to join Karen who’s looking at Gretchen and Damian’s castle.

It takes a surprising amount of discussion to decide who wins. Mostly because both of the castles are so bad that it takes a bit to decide which one is worse. They crown Gretchen and Damian the winners in the end. 

“This was rigged!” Aaron protests. “We had a disadvantage because I’m Regina’s ex and Janis is her-” he pauses, trying to find some way to describe Janis and her relationship to Regina. Regina would accept ex-best friend or ex-nemesis, those seem like pretty accurate terms. What Aaron comes out with is much less helpful. “-her Janis. Of course she’d choose the other team!”

Her Janis. It makes Regina feel funny. Makes her stomach twist. It feels right and wrong all at once and Regina tries to ignore the weirdness of it as best she can. 

“You’re being dramatic,” she says. “It’s not like ‘winner’ is a particularly prestigious title here. Don’t be a sore loser because your pile of dirt lost.”

In an act of supreme maturity, Aaron sticks his tongue out at her. Regina is better than that. She flips him off instead. 

~~~~~

Karen makes everyone lunch, tugging a grill out of the shed. She flips burgers and grills hot dogs, looking like a better version of a grill dad. The look apparently does it for Gretchen, who spends most of her time staring in awe at Karen while gripping Regina’s wrist almost tight enough to hurt. 

Regina just lets her have her little gay panic and focuses on reading her book. It’s a bit of a balancing act, not having one of her hands available. She makes it work. 

“Do you see her?” Gretchen asks, nails pricking at Regina’s skin.

Regina doesn’t look away from her book. “Yup. She sure is grilling.”

Gretchen needs to talk to Karen about this crush. Regina needs to be put out of her misery here. 

“Go compliment her or something, she’ll like that.” And Regina will get her hand back. 

“You’re so smart. Okay, I’ll be right back.” 

What is with Gretchen and Karen and needing Regina to tell them to do obvious stuff?

Gretchen bounces away, running a hand down Karen’s arm as she gets close. Regina huffs out a laugh and shakes out her free hand. As she watches them from the corner of her eye, Regina sees Karen tangle her fingers with Gretchen’s for a second before she pulls away to do something at the grill. Gretchen has nothing to worry about and they’re both ridiculous. 

After lunch, everyone starts to feel a bit better. The rest of the day goes by in a blur of tanning, pool loungers rocked slowly by the peaceful water, and in Aaron and Damian’s case, an ill-advised canoe adventure.

~~~~~

That night, they decide to watch a movie instead of going to the fire pit again. The hard part is deciding what movie to watch.

“Let’s watch a horror movie,” Damian suggests after almost ten minutes of discussion. 

Regina has removed herself from the discussion for the most part, reclining on the couch scrolling through her phone while everyone argues. Damian’s suggestion catches her attention, though, and she sits forward. Regina doesn’t like horror movies. (Why do people enjoy getting scared for fun? Are they okay?)

“Can’t we just watch a romcom or something?” Regina suggests, Aaron and Karen nodding in agreement, even though Aaron doesn’t look particularly excited about the idea of a romcom. 

“Boring,” Janis dismisses. “I’m good with a horror movie.”

Regina notices Gretchen wrapping an arm around Karen’s shoulder and whispering something in her ear that makes the other girl brighten. So there goes one of the other scary movie haters.

The bad thing about being reformed and not bullying her friends anymore is that now Gretchen regularly stands up to her.  Gretchen likes horror movies, but she knows Regina doesn’t. Damn democracy and the negative view of dictatorships. She would’ve been able to fix this so easily. Growing and learning as a person sucks. 

“We could make it fun,” Gretchen suggests, shrugging at Regina. “Do like a drinking game or something?”

The suggestion is met with nods all around, Aaron looking at Cady’s nod before shrugging in defeat. (God, why are all her friends so whipped?) Looks like Regina is outnumbered. Well at least if Regina’s drunk she probably won’t care as much.  There’s a lull as people try to think of what movie to watch. 

“We could watch that Evil Dead remake?” Janis says. 

“God, no,” Regina says after taking a minute to google it. 

“What? Big bad Regina can’t handle something scary?” Janis asks in a mocking baby voice, turning to her. 

Regina tosses her hair. “Oh, sorry for not wanting to watch a movie about demons and a cabin in the middle of the woods while we’re in a cabin in the middle of the woods!”

Gretchen and Cady start to look uneasy too, and Regina gets a good feeling that she might be able to turn the tide against watching a horror movie. 

“We’ve got our own reformed slasher bad guy,” Janis says, tilting her head towards Regina with a mean-edged smile. “What are the chances of two being out here?”

Regina gives Janis an unimpressed look. Janis just raises her eyebrows like she’s daring Regina to protest. Gretchen and Cady snort at the joke, which means Regina’s also lost what little bit of support against this movie that she had.

Regina can’t look weak in front of everyone. Can’t be the only one holding out against something as stupid as a horror movie. She’s not scared of them (she is). She just doesn’t get the appeal. 

She can’t lose face when she’s still trying to get it back. 

“Ugh, fine. Let’s just watch the stupid movie.”

But Regina George doesn’t take teasing lying down. Janis should know that by now.

 It’s easy enough to get her revenge. 

About halfway through the movie, Regina creeps out of the room under the pretense of going to grab another White Claw. She loiters until she can hear the movie’s soundtrack building in intensity. Sneaking silently back into the living room, she positions herself right behind Janis. When the music reaches a crescendo, everyone in the room tense and staring at the screen, she gets close to Janis’ ear and whispers, “Boo!”

Janis screams like she’s being murdered, jumping about a foot off the couch and sending popcorn everywhere. Regina cackles as screams echo from every corner of the room as Janis’ outburst startles everyone. She has to grab onto the back of her couch so she doesn't collapse to the floor as she laughs, ending up half-crouched as she recovers. Fuck , that was even better than Regina thought it would be. 

Janis whirls on her, looking furious with an embarrassed blush spreading across her face. “What the fuck, George!”

“Aw,” Regina says, fake pouting. “Little Janis can’t handle something scary?”

The callback to her tease from earlier has Janis’ mouth falling open. “I –  you – ”

Regina, having gotten her laughter under control, stands and plants her hands on the back of the couch, leaning towards Janis. Their faces are close, but in this position the height difference is even more obvious than usual, Regina having to look down her nose at Janis. It makes the situation all the better. She tilts her head. 

“What? Can’t take a little teasing?” She lets a mocking smile settle on her face. Janis doesn’t exactly look primed to answer her, angry flush still on her face and her pupils wide as she stares. Regina winks and heads back to her seat. “Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it.”

No one else makes any comments, but Regina can feel their gazes skipping between her and Janis. After a few seconds of both Regina and Janis staring intently at the tv, everyone else follows their lead and goes back to watching the movie. 

The high from her prank lasts the rest of the night, to the point where she barely minds watching the rest of the movie. She even sticks around for the second one, though that might be more the alcohol talking as the scary movie drinking game gets all of them drunk. 

Regina taps out after the second movie, leaving the horror lovers to their marathon.

Sunday morning finds them all gathered in the living room in various states of disarray. Turns out two straight days of hangovers doesn’t feel great. (Regina still wouldn’t trade it for anything. This is the freest she’s felt with her friends maybe ever. Gross. She’s so emotional when she’s hungover.)

Damian and Karen are stretched out along one couch, Damian dramatically leaning against one arm while Karen lays face down on the pillow at the opposite end (she’s not hungover, just sleepy). Cady and Aaron are curled in the loveseat, quietly talking as they sip their coffees. Gretchen’s on the same couch as Regina. They match, both of them wearing their sunglasses as they curl around pillows.

“How about something chill for the last day?” Aaron asks. 

“I’m good with that,” Damian says, arm thrown over his eyes to block out the sun. “I think I’m still drunk. I’m not looking for any excitement.”

Absently, Regina wonders how late everyone stayed up. She doesn’t regret going to bed – her hangover probably leagues better than everyone else’s.

“There’s a hiking trail nearby, like right across the street,” Gretchen says. “It’s a pretty easy walk, and the views are nice.”

Cady perks up, sitting up from where she’s been leaning against Aaron. “I love that idea. Can we, please?”

Behind her glasses, Regina rolls her eyes. Of course Cady, little miss morning nature walk, would want to go on a hike. She looks around for another person to look as disinterested as Regina feels. No one seems to have any problem with the idea. Most of them almost look excited about the idea.

(Wait, do all her friends enjoy hiking? What the hell?) 

 “I wouldn’t mind going on a hike,” Aaron agrees. 

Regina has to put a stop to this. 

“It’s walking in a forest. How is that fun?” Regina asks. “Aren’t there other ‘chill’ activities we could do?”

“A walk could be good – I’d probably sweat out the rest of the alcohol.”

No, Damian, Regina wants to plead. You were supposed to be on my side.

She really thought his hangover would be bad enough to make him not want to go. 

“I like hiking,” Karen says. “As long as we don’t see any tigers.”

Gretchen rushes to assure her that there are no wild tigers hiding in the forest. It takes longer than it should to get Karen to believe her. 

So maybe Regina’s the only one who doesn’t want to participate. She believes in her power of persuasion, though. She should be able to convince them to do something else. Her failure last night with the horror movie was an outlier. It’ll work out this time. 

“Seriously? Hiking?” Regina asks. There are so many other good activities they could be doing instead of traipsing through the forest. Like tanning. Or playing soccer on the beach. Or getting a lobotomy from Karen. Just so many options. “I wouldn’t say a walk through the forest is my idea of a relaxing time. There are bugs, and it’ll be all sweaty. Isn’t the point of a chill day to actually do something chill?”

“It’ll be fun, Regina. There’s even a waterfall at the end of the trail where we can hang out, have lunch, do some swimming,” Gretchen pleads. 

While a waterfall does sound nice, “How long is this walk?” 

Gretchen winces. “It’s like two hours or so? No longer than three, promise.”

“You’re all fine with walking for that long?”

Regina hopes someone changes their mind at hearing the time commitment. They can always do something else, go for ice cream. Take the canoe out onto the lake. Sink the canoe in the lake. Regina has so many ideas of activities that she would enjoy more than hiking. 

“It’s a hike, Regina,” Aaron says flatly. “Kind of comes with the territory.”

Janis wanders into the living room, always the last to wake up. She stretches, a flash of her stomach revealed as her arms arch over her head. She absently scratches at the exposed skin as she looks around the room. Regina looks away from her. 

“So, what’s the plan for today?”

“We were thinking about going hiking,” Cady says. 

Janis perks up. “Hiking? Sounds fun.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “I mean, it would be if we could get R-”

“We can go hiking,” Regina cuts in quickly. “If everyone else wants to go it’s fine.”

She doesn’t want to ruin everyone’s day if she’s the only one not into the idea. She can deal with a couple hours traipsing through the forest. Out of the corner of her eye, Regina sees Gretchen roll her eyes and mouth “of course.” Regina frowns. What is up with that reaction? She’s agreeing to the stupid hike, Gretchen should be happy.

Before she can, Cady speaks up. “Do we want to go now or wait? If we time it right, we can have lunch at the waterfall and hang out there for a little while.”

“Yeah, if we left now it’d be perfect,” Gretchen says.

“Meet in twenty?” Aaron asks. 

Everyone agrees and disperses to their rooms.

Regina pulls on the closest approximation to hiking clothes she has over her bathing suit. She’s just happy she brought tennis shoes out of the misguided idea that she’d run in the mornings. She fills her water bottle in the kitchen as she waits for everyone else to come down. She’s not going to be the first one at the trail. It would give the impression that she’s looking forward to this, which is factually incorrect. 

Gretchen and Karen are the next ones ready and they head out, Regina trailing behind the other two. She catches them trading shy grins and smiles to herself. It looks like Gretchen might’ve put on her big girl pants and actually said something. 

Gretchen heads back to the house so she can show everyone else where the trail is. As they wait, Regina sidles up to Karen.

“So did you talk to Gretchen about thinking she was mad at you?” she asks innocently. 

Karen turns to face her, practically glowing. She bounces up onto her toes and looks around as though someone is going to overhear. 

“She kissed me!” she says, clapping. “She told me that she likes me.”

Internally, Regina is rejoicing. She can finally be done with watching them pine. She’s free. 

And it’s nice that her friends are happy. Because that’s what matters most.

“And what did you say?” Regina asks, not stopping her wide smile.

Karen reaches up to toy with her hair, looking bashful. “I like her too. We’re gonna go on a date when we get back home.”

“I’m really happy for you guys,” Regina says, feeling like a proud mother. 

Gretchen returns with Cady and Aaron before they can continue their conversation. Regina takes a step back so she’s standing slightly behind Karen, catching Gretchen’s eye and giving her a thumbs up. It makes Gretchen blush. 

Gretchen goes back to the house, returning with Damian. 

“Janis is almost here, she said to go on and she’ll catch up,” Damian says. “She doesn’t want to keep anyone waiting.”

“I told her where the trail starts, too, so she’ll be able to find us pretty easily,” Gretchen chimes in.

Everyone shrugs and takes off. The path is clearly defined and wide enough for two people to walk side by side. About two minutes in, the laces to one of Regina’s sneakers starts to come untied. 

Pulling off to the side of the path, Regina kneels down to tie her shoe. As she finishes, she looks up, suddenly faced with Janis hiking by. She’s wearing a tank top with the sides cut out, the douchey gym rat style that looks surprisingly good on her. (Honestly, Regina didn’t think it was possible for anyone to pull those shirts off.) But that’s not what has Regina’s attention. 

“Hey, wait a second,” Regina says, wincing in apology when Janis jumps, not having noticed her. Regina motions her over. 

Janis walks closer. “What’s up?”

Instead of answering, Regina reaches out and grabs Janis, turning her so Regina can see her side. 

“What the-”

“You have a tattoo,” Regina marvels, staring at the delicate art along Janis’ ribs. It must be new – Regina would have noticed it before, or one of their friends would have mentioned it. 

Almost without thought she brings her hand up and runs her fingers along the edges of the tattoo. The skin twitches underneath her touch. Janis’ skin is soft, warm. 

“Yeah, I-” Janis’ voice comes out a bit strangled and she has to clear her throat. “I got it a couple weeks ago.”

So that’s why she missed the last couple pool parties at Gretchen’s house. Regina had felt bad because she thought her presence had kept Janis away when all along it had been the delicate geometric design stretched across her ribs.

Regina’s voice is quiet. “Well, it looks good.”

Regina looks up. She meets Janis’ eyes, wide and dark in the shade of the trees. There’s an emotion in her gaze that Regina has never seen on her face before. (That doesn’t mean it’s unfamiliar. She’s seen the same urge written across the face of so countless boys in the school halls. Only this time it doesn't make her feel gross, like she needs to take a shower.) Janis is –  Regina starts to think but, No, that would be ridiculous. Janis wouldn’t – Janis couldn’t – 

She’s imagining things. 

Regina suddenly becomes hyper aware of how she’s positioned. Still kneeling on the ground, one of her hands is tucked into Janis’ shirt, fingers still brushing her ribs along the tattoo and inches from the wide band of her sports bra. The other, for balance, rests against the back of Janis’ thigh, her fingers gripping the muscle to stay upright.

She’s probably making Janis uncomfortable. That’s it. Nothing more, just Regina being too familiar and not thinking about how Janis might react. Stupid, she berates herself.

“Sorry,” she says, standing and brushing dirt off of herself. “Shouldn’t have manhandled you like that.”

“You’re fine,” Janis’ voice is quiet. “We should – let’s go catch up with the group.”

Regina nods repeatedly, feeling like a bobble head. “Yeah, good idea. I don’t want to spend any more time hiking than I have to.”

Despite having to hike to get to it, the waterfall is surprisingly pleasant. It’s almost like a hidden grove, the trail emerging into a clearing rimmed with bushes and lush trees. There’s a small pool at the base of the waterfall, clear enough to see to the bottom. The waterfall itself isn’t too high, reaching a couple of feet above Regina’s head. It’s pretty rocky, smooth stone sloping on either side, small streams of water running down them.

Regina sits on a flat bit of grass near the edge of the pool, thankful that the hike is over. (She refuses to think about the return trip right now.)

They eat the food Cady and Karen packed for everyone, a huge spread of sandwiches, fruit, and other snacks, chatting and laughing as they eat. After they’ve eaten, everyone decides to cool off in the water.

Aaron, somehow, discovers that one side of the waterfall is sloped enough to act almost as a water slide. Regina, who has found herself a little shelf in the water where she can sit and relax, rolls her eyes as Aaron and Karen take turns sliding down the rocks. She is not carrying anyone back to the house because they got injured being stupid. (She talks a big game, but every time one of them gets too close to the edge, she has to stop herself from darting forward to catch them.)

Janis walks past where Regina is lounging, heading deeper into the pool towards where Damian and Cady are talking. She slips, arms flailing as she tries to catch her balance.

Hyper-aware as she is, Regina is half out of her seat before she even realizes what she’s doing. 

“Careful,” Regina cautions, hands shooting up to catch Janis and coming to rest at her hips.

(She thinks about how warm Janis is under her palms, skin soft and damp from being in the water. Regina ignores the urge to grab harder, pull Janis closer. Wonders what it means to want these things – does she want Janis to forgive her this bad? Bad enough that she’ll pull her close, that she doesn’t want to be apart from her?)

“Thanks,” Janis says quietly. “The rocks are slippery.”

Regina matches her tone. “You’re telling me. I almost dunked myself because I moved too quickly earlier.”

“Yeah. Uh, thanks again.” Janis pulls away from Regina, nodding at her as she walks away.

Regina clenches her fists and releases them, trying to push away the feeling of Janis against her. Taking a moment to gather herself, she retreats back to her seat. She hates that things with Janis are weird. All Regina wants is for there not to be this odd tension between them. 

The rest of the time at the waterfall is spent avoiding Janis. The return hike is much the same, though Regina is mostly focused on getting back to the house without complaining too much, so Janis doesn’t get a ton of her attention anyways. 

~~~~~

They take a little bit of time to rest, but soon enough everyone is working to pack, load the cars, and clean up the house. By the time everything is done, it’s getting close to dinner time. Cady and Damian make a quick spaghetti, a support team made up of Regina and Gretchen washing dishes as they go so there’s less cleanup to do after the meal. 

All too soon, there’s nothing left for them to clean, nothing keeping them at the lake house. They all head to the cars, the atmosphere almost somber as they pile in. 

“Remember,” Regina says as she backs out of the driveway. “You get three stops on the way home. Use them wisely. I refuse to be driving all night because you guys need to stop every ten minutes.”

“Yes, mom,” her passengers all say at the same time. They break out into giggles a moment later.

Regina rolls her eyes, doing her best to stop her smile from showing on her face.

The weekend was good, Regina decides later as she peeks in the rearview mirror at Gretchen and Karen napping together. Beyond everything that they did. The time with them, being surrounded by her friends constantly, stopped the familiar doubt from creeping in. Stopped the little voice that tells her that her friends hate her because of what she’s done. It’s hard for the negativity to take root when her friends are right there, wanting her to be with them. 

It’s easier to believe in the smiles, to accept the hands that reach out for her, to not flinch away from any affection. 

Easy to accept the hugs she gets as her passengers sleepily leave her car and head into their houses. 

It’s around 1am by the time Regina gets home. She lays in bed, staring up at the ceiling as she tries to smother the smile that builds as she thinks back over the weekend. She has friends. They aren’t going to leave her. 

Chapter Text

It’s been a nice couple of weeks. Too nice, almost. Regina is realizing that if everything in her life is going well, she needs to prepare for something catastrophic.

Catastrophic might not be the right word, but her mother is in front of her, eyes and nose red and puffy like she’s been crying. Regina hasn’t seen her mother in a less than perfect state in years , and the hot pink track suit-wrapped vulnerability feels almost world ending. The good mood she’d been in from being at Karen’s is crushed beneath a sense of dread.

“What’s going on?” Regina says, dropping her purse by the front door and moving towards her mom. “Mom, what’s wrong?”

“Hi, queen.” Her mom tries to give Regina her normal, upbeat greeting, but the effect is ruined by the rough thickness of her voice, an edge of sadness that she’s not fully able to cover. “I need to talk to you about something.”

Her mom leads her to the kitchen table. Regina’s heart thunders in her ears. What kind of bad news could her mom have for her? Are they moving? Did her dad get laid off or something? (She doubts that’s it – her father is nigh on indispensable to his company, if he’s to be believed. It’s gotta be something horrible.) Her mom sits at the head of the small table, Regina taking the chair to the right, angling it so she’s just a bit closer. There’s a pile of papers in front of her mother, flipped over so Regina can’t see what’s on them. They give her a bad feeling regardless. Her mom touches the pile, hand jumping away like they burn.

Regina waits for as long as she can while her mother gathers her thoughts. “You’re freaking me out,” she says when her patience runs out.

Regina fidgets with her phone, hoping that it goes off so she has an excuse to avoid whatever is happening. Her mom won’t look her in the eyes, her gaze lingering on the few family photos they have hung around the room – the only family photos they have hung around the house (they mess with the ‘vibes’ of the house, her mom claims).

“Your father,” her mom says, letting out a shuddering breath. “Your father and I are getting a divorce.”

Her hands land on the stack of paper again, staying this time, pushing hard enough against them that they warp and start to wrinkle.  Like she’s trying to push them out of existence

That can’t be right, Regina thinks.

They’re what? Her thoughts are stuck in a loop as she tries to process, tries to make sense of what she’s been told. They can’t be – her father wouldn’t –

She laughs incredulously, shaking her head.

“I’m sorry,” she says, plastic smile painted across her face. “I could’ve sworn you just said you guys are getting divorced.”

This can’t be happening.

Her mom reaches for her hand, tears tracking down her cheeks. Regina flinches out of the way, pulling her hands to her chest before letting them drop limply into her lap. Internally, she winces at the crestfallen expression that eclipses her mom’s face, but she’s too caught up in her own head to try to fix it.

“We are. Your father called this morning.”

Regina looks at the stack of papers. “So, the papers just happened to get here on the same day?”

Her mother sucks in a sharp breath and looks down, fingers flexing and crumpling the papers. “I think this is something your father has been thinking about for a while.”

“And what?” Regina yells. “He couldn’t bother to tell you in person? Couldn’t be here to tell me himself?”

Where is he? Why couldn’t he drag himself away from his stupid fucking job for this? Did he not care? Does he –

Regina can see the way her mom is trying to come up with an excuse. Trying to protect that man and his status even now. It’s pathetic, in a heartbreaking kind of way. Her mom has done everything she can for that man, and this is what she gets in return? “Your father didn’t want to make this harder on you. He thought it’d be best if he stayed away and let me tell you.”

Code for ‘he didn’t fucking care enough to tell you.’ Regina shouldn’t be surprised.

It hurts anyways.

“I’m–” Regina lets out another laugh, high pitched and strung out. “I can’t – I’m going upstairs.”

Regina stands, jagged and sudden enough to send her chair teetering. It doesn’t quite fall, settling back onto all four legs. Her mom opens her mouth, reaches out again for her. Regina doesn’t let that stop her. She sweeps out of the room and charges up the steps. Locking her bedroom door, she throws herself face down on the bed.

Her parents are getting divorced. No more wondering when her dad would be home next. No more wide smiles that look so much like hers. No more worrying what might set him off. No more burying her face in his chest when he hugs her, large arms squeezing her, making her feel safe. (She doesn’t remember the last time they hugged. Isn’t sure if she savored it or if she pushed him away too soon.) No more fitting into the mold of what he thinks the perfect daughter is. No more ‘nice going, kids’ when she actually does something to make him proud. No more business dinners. No more high expectations. No more forehead kisses before he walks out the door.

When she was younger, she’d grab two of his fingers when they held hands because she couldn’t quite hold his hand properly. It became their thing, even when they could hold hands normally. Until she grew out of holding hands with her parents. Until he grew out of staying home and caring.

Picture perfect family. Handsome, successful husband and his beautiful homemaker wife. Their popular, blonde daughter. A bullshit façade, obvious before this but made worse by the news.

The loss yawns wide like a chasm in her chest. How does she balance the view of what her family should be with what it is now? How does she handle her dad leaving them like they never even mattered? Why weren’t they good enough? Why wasn’t Regina enough to make him stay, to make him explain it to her?

And under it all –

She hates herself for the relief that spreads through her body. Hates herself because she’s not sure she’s going to miss him. (She’ll miss who he used to be, but he became a stranger years ago. This fact doesn’t make it better.)

She realizes she’s crying, curled around a pillow as her shoulders shake.

She’s whispering, “He’s leaving,” under her breath over and over again, her voice breaking every so often from her tears. The pain and relief mix together until she can’t tell which is which.

~~~~~

She gets a text from him. Days later. “Sorry, Regina” is all it says. She doesn’t bother replying.

~~~~~

It’s not even like she’s the first one of her friends to have parents who are getting divorced. Aaron’s parents have been divorced since he was like five, and Gretchen’s parents split freshman year.

It’s different, though. Feels like failure. If Regina had been a better daughter, if she’d done more to impress him, maybe he would have been home more often. Maybe he wouldn’t have left. She could have changed it. She could have made her family better. Instead she’s a fuck up. 

She can’t be a good daughter. She can’t be a good friend. She can’t make her dad stay and she keeps hurting her friends. It makes sense to conclude that it’s only a matter of time before her friends leave too. 

The house feels emptier somehow. Nothing’s actually changed. It’s not like her father was around enough for his absence to be weird. There’s almost an expectation to it now, though. The lack just a reminder of the fact that he’s gone.

It doesn’t help that part of her mother’s mourning process is spraying his cologne in her room, a thick enough cloud that it leaks into the rest of the house and has Regina expecting to run into him every time she turns a corner.

She texts her friends to see if they want to come over. Tries to tell herself that if they say no, it’s not because they’re going to leave her. Luckily, she doesn’t have to face what her reaction would actually have been, as everyone is able to come. (Except Aaron, but his absence is less devastating than everyone else’s would be. The boy is more like Cady 2.0 sometimes, so it’s not like Regina’ll be missing out on much.)

“Mom, I’m having friends over,” she calls down the stairs.

She needs some way to fill this place until she doesn’t notice what’s missing.

“Okay!” her mom says, appearing at the base of the steps. “Want me to make snacks?”

Her mom loves making food for her friends, almost as much as she loves commenting on calorie counting and how extra weight always settles on her hips. She’s been getting more stringent about it, as if that will fix whatever drove her husband away.

“Sure,” Regina says listlessly. At least her friends will appreciate the food. “And when they all get here, don’t mention the divorce.”

“What?” her mom asks. “Why not?”

Because Regina doesn’t want her mom sobbing all over her friends. Because they don’t need to know that everything isn’t perfect in Regina’s life.

(Because if she tells them, they might pity her and Regina’s not sure she knows how to handle that. She’s not sure she won’t break down. She can handle it. Her friends have dealt with enough shit from her. No need to burden them further.)

“Just be normal, okay?” Regina commands. “My friends don’t need to know my family’s fucking broken.”

“Regina,” her mom says, soft and apologetic and caring.

Regina stops her from saying anything else. “It’s whatever. Just don’t mention it.”

She marches back into her room. Paints armor across her face in the form of flawless makeup. Puts on clothing like an attack, a corset top and pants that hug every curve. If she looks perfect, there’s no reason for her friends to question anything.

~~~~~

Damian is the first to arrive, somehow – since Regina can see the jazzy sitting on her front lawn and even a brisk walk could outpace that thing. She pushes an easy smile onto her face as she opens the door.

“Well, you look nice,” Damian says as he sweeps inside.

He grabs her shoulders to get a better look at her, pulling her into a hug once he’s done. Mortifyingly enough, Regina feels tears pricking at the corner of her eyes at the gentle embrace. She holds onto him just long enough to blink them away, stepping back and beckoning him properly into the house.

“Felt like doing a bit more today,” she says with a modest shrug, twisting and posing a bit.

“Girl, you should have told me! I would have joined you.” Damian motions to his simple jeans and patterned button up ensemble. “I didn’t even put on makeup.”

They both jump as Regina’s mom suddenly appears from around the corner. “You look so slay, queen! Don’t ever doubt yourself!”

She gives Damian a hug, pressing air kisses to his cheeks as she pulls away. Damian loves her mother. He’s one of the few people who can actually handle her and come out sane on the other end. She’s happy to leave them to their little conversation as she goes to finish setting up. Damian’s been over enough times at this point that she’s fine leaving him to find his way to her once he’s done with her mom. 

Cady’s mom drops her off about twenty minutes later. Regina waves at her mom from her front door, getting a sharp nod in return. Cady’s mom hasn’t quite gotten over the whole Regina turning Cady into a plastic thing last year. Regina’s trying to mend that bridge. It’s not going great. 

“Your mom hates me,” Regina says as she shuts the door. “If she had laser beams for eyes, I’d be dead.”

“She doesn’t hate you,” Cady says, pulling Regina into a hug.

She can try to distract Regina with physical affection, but it won’t work. “You need to work on your lying.”

“She just doesn’t know you yet!”

“Uh huh,” Regina says, raising an unimpressed eyebrow at Cady.

Cady waves her hands like she’s trying to dismiss Regina’s doubts from the very air. “No, seriously. She doesn’t hate you. She just, well, she doesn’t think you’re a good influence on me.”

“Hey, it wasn’t all bad. At least you got a better wardrobe out of it?”

“Yeah, I think my mom was fine with my old clothes,” Cady says, wincing and looking down at the comfy t-shirt and denim shorts she has on.

“I think I just have to be honest with myself and come to terms with the fact that I’ll forever be public enemy number one when it comes to your mom,” Regina says, leading Cady to the living room where Damian is scrolling on his phone.

A few minutes later, her mom sweeps in, a perfectly plated batch of brownies in one hand and a veggie platter in the other.

“I come bearing snacks!” she proclaims as she sits on one of the other chairs in the room. “Now, tell me everything that’s been going on with you guys lately.”

Regina half-listens as her mom talks to Cady and Damian. Paying only enough attention to tell if her mom is getting close to telling them about the issue , Regina mostly scrolls through Instagram. For once, it seems like her mom listened to her, as the conversation miraculously stays focused on her friends instead of devolving into the Mrs. George show.

Janis, Gretchen, and Karen arrive. All of them are paint splattered and glowing. Janis has been teaching them a couple of art things – Regina isn’t exactly sure what – and from the looks of it, it’s going well.

Regina waves them inside, running a critical eye over them. Karen has a bit of paint caked in her hair, alongside a variety of splatters across her shirt and arms. There’s a fading swipe of teal blue on Gretchen’s jaw and a handprint that’s about the size of Karen’s on her bicep. Janis has managed to stay mostly clean, but there’s a streak of forest green on the back of her hand and on her neck.

“Welcome, art freaks,” Regina says, smiling teasingly. “Look at what you’ve done to my friends, Janis. They’ve joined the dark side.”

“Oh no, how dare I,” Janis deadpans as Gretchen and Karen sandwich Regina in a hug that she accepts while jokingly rolling her eyes and sighing as she wraps her arms around them. Luckily, when they pull away, it seems like most of the paint is dried as Regina’s clothes remain clean.

“If you guys want to finish washing up or borrow some clothes, feel free.”

They all accept and move upstairs, Janis raising an eyebrow like she’s surprised at Regina’s offer. It’s not fully altruistic. She doesn’t want to risk getting paint on her mother’s couch. That might be the straw that breaks her mother’s fragile psyche, and Regina wants to avoid that at all costs. 

Before she goes back to the living room, she takes a brief detour to grab Damian and Cady drinks. She’s started to keep everyone’s preferred drinks stocked up. It sounds like something Gretchen would do, so Regina figures it’s a solid start to being a good friend. She grabs Damian a sparkling water and Cady a cup of juice.

“Ugh, get a load of this tasty snack.” Regina hears as she reenters the living room. 

She groans as she sees her mom tucked into the couch between Cady and Damian, showing them something on her phone. (Why they let her on the couch, Regina isn’t sure. Her friends are pushovers for her mother, and Regina’s not sure what sort of magic her mom cast so everyone hangs on her every word. She’d like them to get over it, honestly.) Regina hopes she’s not showing them her latest obsession, some gym bro college student who posts thirst traps, but she knows better than to really hope. 

(Sure, things have been better with her mom since Regina’s unfortunate breakdown. There’s even been a sense of camaraderie about her dad, too. That doesn’t mean that her mom is miraculously a new person overnight, or that things are perfect. No matter how much Regina wishes that were the case.)

At least her mom managed to pin down the two people who might actually be interested in some buff boy, but still. 

“ Mom,” Regina says, widening her eyes and smiling as she tilts her head. “Can you not?”

“Sorry, honey, didn’t mean to harsh your vibes or whatevs!”

Regina rolls her eyes as her mom gets up, wiggling her fingers in a little wave to Cady and Damian as she flounces away. Cady looks a bit green around the gills while Damian looks absolutely delighted. Regina’s not sure if she wants to know what her mom said to them based on the opposing reactions. She’s trying to protect her peace, and hearing her mother’s thoughts on instagram models is not her idea of a good time.

“I’d say sorry,” she says as she hands them their drinks and sits down. “But I feel like you guys know enough about my mom to know you should’ve avoided her in the first place, so any psychological scarring is not my fault.”

Gretchen and Karen come in holding hands, both dressed in some of Regina’s larger sweatshirts and pink shorts. They’re blessedly paint free, Karen’s hair wet and piled on her head in a messy bun. 

When Janis finally trails in, she’s in the same clothes as before, but the small remnants of paint have been washed away. There’s a bit of disappointment that Regina feels about not getting to see Janis in her clothes. It’d be funny to see her in pink. Regina’s clothes would be big on her, the sleeves would probably fall over her hands and she’d look – Regina clears her throat, looking away from Janis at the loading screen of the movie Damian has queued up.

~~~~~

There’s a picture of her and her dad on the mantle. She forgot it was there. She’s on his shoulders, a wide, gap-toothed smile on her face as she holds an ice cream cone. There’s chocolate smeared around her mouth, and the cone has dripped onto her father’s shoulder, a chocolate puddle right next to her knee. That had been a good day, she remembers. They’d gone to the zoo as a family. Regina had been able to watch a presentation on wombats. After it was done, her father had googled more wombat facts and they had spent the rest of the trip trading animal facts. 

She wants to rip the picture up. Wants to burn it. Wants to put it in a plastic sleeve and keep it safe for the rest of her life.

An elbow hits her side, startling her. She looks over, meeting Damian’s eyes, a slight concerned furrow on his brow. 

“You good?” he says quietly, trying not to disturb anyone else. “You’ve been zoned out for a while.”

She shakes off the memories and forces a smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. No worries.”

Damian purses his lips for the briefest second before nodding and turning his attention back to the movie. Regina tries to keep her attention glued to the screen, tries not to see the edges of her father’s smile in her peripherals. 

Having her friends over works for a little while, but it’s not like she can keep them with her indefinitely. 

The house is cold when they leave. Regina tries not to feel it. 

 Aaron guilts them all into going to his brother’s t-ball game playoffs. (Regina isn’t sure why children need playoffs. They can hardly play enough to have playoffs.) Either way, she’s currently sitting on uncomfortable bleachers surrounded by screaming children and high-strung parents. She can admit that the kids are cute – their helmets are almost twice the size of their heads and the bats are, in some cases, taller than the kids using them. That’s about where her enjoyment stops, though. 

Even though it’s still pretty early, it’s already hot out, the sun beating down directly onto the metal stands and practically baking them. Regina stole Aaron’s ball cap – she’s not getting sunburned watching a bunch of five year olds run around a pint-sized baseball diamond. 

The parents surrounding them are very invested in what’s happening on the field. They yell encouragement almost constantly, congratulating the kids when they do a good job – in some cases, even when they don’t. Wide smiles everywhere even as the sense of competition between parents seems to ratchet up as the game goes on. She’s surrounded by happy families, by kids running around and having fun. 

She wants this game to be a distraction, a way to take her mind off what’s happening at home. It’s hard, though, when she’s surrounded by signs of a childhood she never experienced. By a freedom that she never got to have. 

She did cheerleading for half a year in second grade. Her dad didn’t come to any of her showcases. She didn’t get to have him yelling from the stands, being proud of her in real time.  Second grade was a good time, too. He was home more, acted like they were a family. But even then he never took time to appreciate her activities. 

The realization hurts. Now her dad is leaving. Apologized over text. She can’t remember the last time she actually talked to him, or even the last time she really saw him in person. (He didn’t come home when she got hit by the bus. She has a fuzzy memory of a FaceTime call, but that’s about it.)

And now she has to watch these kids and their good fucking parents run around and she has to act like it doesn’t bother her. Like it doesn't make her itch, make her jealous.

She can’t focus on the game. Standing as unobtrusively as she can, she slides past everyone and makes her way off the bleachers. There’s a playground pretty close to the field, and Regina heads straight there, sitting on the swings. Swinging sedately back and forth, she tries to take deep breaths, counting to ten like her therapist told her until she feels less like she’s going to have a breakdown. 

It’s better with the distance. Easier to handle the families she sees when they’re not right up against her. 

Regina skids to a stop when she sees Janis walking towards her. Looking down, she doesn’t make eye contact as the other girl sits on the swings next to her. 

“You good, George?” Everyone’s wondering where you are.”

Regina snorts. “You were the unlucky one chosen to check on me?”

There’s a pause. “Sure, if that’s how you want to look at it.”

There’s a cutting edge to her words as she speaks. “Well, you can report back that I’m fine. It just got really busy over there.”

Janis doesn’t leave, though. Just stays on the swing as they both pretend to watch the game. Regina wonders why Janis is here, choosing to sit next to Regina when usually she can barely stand to look at her. She doesn’t ask, though. Asking would make Janis leave, and this way Regina can act like everything between them is fixed. (At least that would be one thing in her life that’s okay.) The only sound between them is the creaking metal of the playground and the distant cheering from the field.

“So,” Janis says; Regina can hear her feet kicking at the mulch as she swings. “Eli Thomas has a paw patrol nightlight, huh?”

“Yeah, and a receding hairline,” Regina bites without thinking, chuckling derisively. She keeps her eyes on the game. “Why the fuck are you asking about him?”

It takes Regina a moment, the expectant emptiness in the wake of her question making her mind race. Eli was the kid in the hallway, the creep messing with Janis. Even thinking about it gets Regina mad again. She should’ve done something more, really made an example out of him.

“That guy? Janis, what?” she finally looks at Janis, twisting in the swing to face her.

“Oh, so you can look at me,” Janis says, smirking. She continues in a slightly more serious tone. “We haven’t talked about that whole thing. The whole ‘Queen Bee Regina George defends honor of pyro-dyke Janis ‘Imi’ike’ or whatever it was that the school gossip Instagram said.”

Janis even throws up quotation marks, the dork. 

Regina flinches, rocking back like she’s avoiding a hit. God, she hates that fucking account. She lifts her feet so the swing untwists and she’s facing the game again. “I don’t think there’s anything to talk about.”

Janis sniffs. “We can talk about what’s really bothering you if you want.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Well, it’s either that or the hallway.”

Can’t Regina just choose death? That would be preferable at this point. “Or we could just not talk. How does that sound?” Regina doesn’t even try to stop the tone of ‘you’re-a-fucking-idiot’ out of her voice.

Janis doesn’t take the bait. (The little shit. The least she can do is fight with Regina instead of forcing this weird ass conversation.)

“You very publicly came to my rescue days after doing worse to me.” Janis laughs, the sound a mess of confusion and hurt. 

“He shouldn’t have been messing with you. And I shouldn’t have done what I did either. It was wrong.” The panic from that day rises like a phantom in her chest, easily eclipsed by Regina’s regret. “So I got him away from you.”

“And then you just left me in the hall by myself.”

“What else was I supposed to do, Janis?” Regina asks incredulously, annoyed that she’s pushing. “Escort you to your next class? You can’t genuinely tell me that you would have been just fine talking to me. I wanted to avoid having a fight in the hall when I had just saved you from getting suspended for punching someone.”

Regina was never under the impression that Janis wouldn’t have been able to get herself out of that situation. She had held her own against Regina for years. No way was Eli going to give her any trouble. That’s not what it had been about.

“I guess not,” Janis acquiesces. “But I don’t think just looking at me would’ve made us fight.”

Seriously, what is with people giving Regina grief when she does good things? Why do her friends want to talk about their damn feelings? Can’t they just accept what happened and move on? Regina would love that.

“You mean you wouldn’t have found it some weird slight to your independence or some shit that I helped you out? You wouldn’t have wanted to prove that you could stand up for yourself?”

Regina knows Janis, knows how proud she can be. Almost as proud as Regina is. That’s why they got along so well. That’s why they could destroy each other so thoroughly. 

Janis grumbles (because she knows Regina is right). “I still wouldn’t have started a fist fight.”

“I might start one now,” Regina mutters to herself, low enough that Janis hopefully can’t hear.

Louder: “I don’t know why it matters.”

Exasperated, Janis says, “I want to know why.”

“I told you why. Because it was the right thing to do.” They’re talking in circles. Regina doesn’t know what Janis is getting out of this.

“There’s gotta be more to it than that.”

Because I wanted to protect you, Regina thinks. Because seeing that scared-angry look on your face always makes me feel vicious as a guard dog, ready to tear down anyone around you. Because no one gets to hurt you. (Except me except me except me, something in her mourns. Somehow it always comes back to that.) Because what else was I supposed to do?

“It’s the same as when I defended Cady,” Regina says finally, settling on an excuse that’s not too far from the truth. “No one messes with my friends.”

She’s not asking. Janis is her friend. All she needs is for the other girl to decide to catch up and admit it.

She risks another glance at Janis. She’s studying Regina, eyes squinted mostly shut against the sun. Regina wonders if she was convincing enough, hopes the sun in Janis’ eyes stops her from reading the half-truth on her face.  

“Mamma bear George,” Janis teases.

However nice it is that Janis feels comfortable enough to tease her –

“Ew, gross, never speak to me again.”

Regina leans over so she can kick at Janis’ shins, trying to maintain her balance with one foot as she does. Janis pushes off from the ground and raises her legs up out of reach of Regina’s flailing leg as she swings. It makes her laugh, bright and loud and beautiful (Regina’s heart skips a beat. For the first time, she lets herself feel that warmth, doesn’t question it or force it down). Regina can’t help the smile that spreads across her face, the laugh that bubbles out of her. She’s unable to hold onto her fake annoyance.

As they calm down, Janis asks, “You good now?”

If nothing else, at least Janis managed to get her mind off her father.

“Yeah,” Regina says. “Thanks, ‘Imi’ike.”

Yeah no, she hates that. Never doing it again.

Janis giggles, making Regina refocus on her. “You hated that, didn’t you?”

“It felt gross.”

Janis raises an eyebrow, tilting her head at Regina, almost a nod, before getting off the swing. “Head back whenever. I’ll let everyone know you’re fine.”

 Regina waits out most of the game sitting on the swings by herself. It’s peaceful. By the time she rejoins everyone, the press of families doesn’t seem quite so oppressive.

It’s been a few weeks. Regina can’t say that she’s over her father leaving, but she’s handling it. Sure, every so often she has to peel her mom off the couch and drag her, drunk and crying, up to her bedroom. And sure, maybe she has to start checking that her mom is eating and not texting her father. But she’s handling it. Everything is fine. 

(Everything is slipping through her fingers. She’s not sure her mom ate yesterday. She’s not certain when she herself last had a full night’s sleep. Things are fine because they have to be. Because she will make them ok.)

So when her friends text and ask if she’d like to chill at Gretchen’s when she’s about to get some rest, Regina doesn’t have a good reason not to say yes. A full face of makeup hides any blemishes and the bags under her eyes. She peels off her stained sweatpants and old t-shirt and pulls on a real outfit. She looks good enough that no one should question her.

When she gets to Gretchen’s place, she’s relieved to find that the get together is lowkey, Aaron and Janis dueling in some video game while Damian does Karen’s nails. Regina curls up on one of the couches, content to observe and finally feel some of the tension from the past few weeks leave her shoulders. She tries pushing away the thought that it looks like they were all hanging out for a while before Regina arrived, that she’s the last one here, the last one invited.

Probably just imagining things, she thinks. (She hopes.)

“Regina?” she hears from beside her.

She jumps, shaking her head and turning. Cady’s next to her. Regina’s not sure when she sat down. She’s been zoned out, staring blankly at the television for who knows how long.

“Sorry, what’s up?”

“I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“Yeah, fine. Just didn’t sleep well last night so I’m a bit wiped.”

Cady looks skeptical, and Regina braces herself for more questions. “Alright, if you’re sure.”

Wow, maybe miracles do exist. 

“All good here.” Regina nods and goes back to watching Janis and Aaron play…well it looks like they’re in some weird cartoon kitchen throwing food all over the place, so Regina can’t even begin to guess.

~~~~~

Maybe Cady catches her zoning out or panic-glancing at her phone when it buzzes a few too many times (her mom has texted her fussing about something enough recently that her phone going off causes an almost pavlovian adrenaline response). And maybe Regina doesn’t do a great job at chilling out and being normal. That doesn’t mean Cady needs to follow her into the kitchen and corner her near the fridge when all Regina was trying to do was get some water.  

“Regina, what’s going on?” Cady asks, glancing over her shoulder at the door to the kitchen, where their friends are most definitely listening in to this conversation.

Regina’s not sure why Cady is asking. She’s fine. She hasn’t let anything slip about her home life. But of course Cady just always wants to know what’s going on. Always wants to talk about feelings. Always wants to be in Regina’s business when she should just leave. it. alone.

“It’s none of your business, honestly. God, Cady, are you always this obtuse or do you practice?” Regina spits. “News flash, not everything is your business. Find a hobby that isn’t obsessing over everyone else’s lives and maybe you’ll actually be interesting.”

Regina shoulders past Cady, emerging back into the main area. Aaron, Karen, and Gretchen are very carefully not looking her way. The rest of them aren’t so careful, a united front of confused and accusing stares.

“What are you all looking at?” Regina says as she grabs her bag. “Get fucking lives and stop obsessing over me.”

She lets the front door slam behind her and climbs into her jeep. She’s halfway home before her adrenaline has faded enough to allow rational thought in. She pulls over, stopping in the parking lot of a small park.

She shouldn’t have done that. Cady didn’t deserve it, and the rest of her friends definitely hadn’t. Biting their heads off for the grave crime of caring about her.   

Why does this always fucking happen? She asks herself, burying her head in her hands. Can’t do anything right. Such a fuck up. No wonder he left.

She forces her thoughts away from her father. He’s not what matters now. She needs to apologize. She can probably get away with a blanket apology to most of her friends over text, but Cady deserves an in-person apology.

She takes a couple seconds to text the group chat.

Regina: I’m sorry for how I acted. It’s been stressful at home lately.

Not an excuse but yeah. Sorry.

Damian: Do you need to talk about it?

Regina: Not really.

Regina drops her phone on the console and ignores the incessant buzzing as everyone else inevitably chimes in. She mutes it.

It takes almost a week for Regina to get herself together enough to apologize to Cady. She knows Aaron likes to take Cady to brunch on Tuesday mornings, a kind of standing date that makes Regina want to gag from the sweetness of it.

Regina posts up in front of Cady’s house, around the time that she usually gets back.  Regina just hopes Mrs. Heron isn’t home to notice her sitting there. She doesn’t think the woman would take kindly to Regina’s explanation of ‘I hurt your daughter’s feelings again and I need to apologize.’ Regina would probably end up banned from being around Cady at all. 

 Aaron drops Cady off about half an hour later. He raises an eyebrow at Regina, but doesn’t acknowledge her beyond that. 

 Cady looks confused as she approaches the Jeep. “Regina, what-”

“Do you want to go for a drive?” Regina cuts in. 

Cady sighs but circles the Jeep and climbs in. At least she’s not mad enough at Regina to say no. That's probably a good sign.

Regina takes her to the park that she apologized to Damian at what seems like forever ago. They’re silent as they approach a table. It’s busier at the park today, Regina looking around at all the different groups scattered around so she doesn't have to look at Cady.

“I’ll grab us coffee. You wait here.” 

She needs some more time to gather her thoughts. She grabs them coffee and slowly makes her way back to Cady, still unsure of what to say. There was no sudden epiphany that hit her as she stood in line like she was hoping. 

Regina slides the coffee across the table to Cady. “I wanted to apologize. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. Or said those things. I didn’t mean them.”

“What’s going on with you? You kind of blew up out of nowhere.” Cady asks, not accepting the apology but also not getting up and storming away.

“Um,” Regina says, mortified to feel tears welling in her eyes as her voice breaks. “I don’t really want to get into it. Things have just been bad at home. Sorry, fuck. I don’t mean to cry.”

“Regina-”

Regina holds a hand up to stop her and clears her throat so her voice doesn’t shake. “I was being serious when I said I didn’t really want to talk about it.”

“Alright,” Cady agrees uncertainly. “But you know you can come to us with stuff that’s bothering you, right? All of us would be happy to help.”

“Yeah, I know,” Regina lies, smiling at Cady, watery and shaky. It’s only a matter of time before they all leave, but it’s nice that Cady’s trying. “I appreciate it. I can’t right now, though. Anyways, yeah. I shouldn’t have taken my stress out on you. Especially not since you were being nice.”

“Wrong place, wrong time?” Cady says, an uncertain smile on her face. “We all have bad days, Regina. It’s okay.”

More like a bad few weeks. At least Cady is accepting her apology. Regina is lucky Cady is as forgiving as she is. That all her friends are forgiving. 

They move on to lighter topics, which further devolves into people watching. Cady tries coming up with wild backstories to all the people they point out. 

When it starts getting closer to dinner, they pack up and head back to Cady’s. Regina, as part of her apology, lets Cady have the aux and tries to stop her eye from twitching at the music choices. 

“Thank you for the coffee. And for the apology,” Cady says as she climbs out of the jeep

“Yeah,” Regina says. “I’ll see you later?” 

“Of course!” Circling around to the driver’s side, Cady smiles and hugs her, heading back inside. 

“Oh, before I forget,” Cady calls, turning around. “There’s a party at Gretchen’s on Friday. She’ll probably text you about it, but I thought I’d let you know.”

(A party at Gretchen’s house. In less than a week. And Cady is the one telling her, not Gretchen. Which means it’s been planned. Which means they probably weren’t planning to invite Regina, but because she apologized to Cady, it’s okay that she comes now. Because she’d done something wrong again and her friends were going to leave her behind. She knew it was only a matter of time.)

The smile freezes on Regina’s face. “Yeah, sounds great!”

Cady throws one last smile over her shoulder as she leaves. As soon as she’s gone, Regina lets the pleasant expression drop off her face. Her friends are throwing a party. They invited her as a courtesy. 

Burning shame alights in her chest as she drums her fingers on the steering wheel. Regina George has never been pity-invited anywhere. It is not a good feeling. Under that sting is a weird, aching sense of vindication. Her fears that her friends would leave her are coming true. The little bit of hope that she held onto, the belief she had in her friends, is curdling in her chest. Her friends don’t need her anymore. They’ll leave just like her dad, probably won’t bother to tell her just like him too. 

She peels away from Cady’s house, tires squealing on the asphalt.

Gretchen texts later that evening.

 Gretchen: Forgot to mention it earlier

Party at mine on Friday! You’re coming, right?

Regina: Sounds fun

No need to confirm for sure when Regina isn’t convinced that she’s wanted there. It’s probably best if she doesn’t go. 

Friday rolls around. Regina heads to the gym, happy to find it mostly empty at 9pm on a Friday. 

Her friends blow up her phone. It’s a sure-fire way to know that the party has started in earnest.

Damian: girl shane just tried to do a keg stand. u better get here soon or ur gonna miss all the fun

Karen: i cn fit fur chetos in my noz

will shw u wen u r heer

Cady: Hey where are you?

Gretchen: Are you coming???

She doesn’t reply to any of them except Gretchen. (She has to trust that one of her friends will stop Karen from doing something dangerous, despite wanting to head to Gretchen’s house just to make sure Karen doesn’t hurt herself somehow.) Regina knows that if Gretchen doesn’t hear from her, she will probably send out some sort of search party. Regina’s just glad she’s turned off her location.

Regina: Sorry something came up

She places her phone back on the floor beside the bench and goes back to her reps. She’s not sure why they care that much. They didn’t want her there in the first place.

She stays at the gym until she can’t lift the bar over her head, letting the smell of rubber and stale sweat distract her. 

It’s a good dream. All heat and flashes of dark hair falling into her face. Someone soft above her – wet, arching movement. A quiet voice, bare skin. Warmth –

Regina jumps awake at the sound of her window opening.

“You weren’t at the party,” Janis says as she tumbles over the window sill. It’s a habit she picked up in middle school, and not something Regina thought she’d experience again. (It’s not the reason she keeps her window unlocked at night. That’s because of…a different reason and Janis is just lucky.)

Regina tugs her comforter up to hide the fact that all she’s wearing is the barest scrap of a tank top. Her heart thunders in her chest, a combination of her dream and adrenaline from the sudden wake up. 

“The fuck? You were just – what – why are you here?” she stutters, her brain trying to catch up to what’s happening.

“You weren’t at the party,” Janis repeats. Regina can hear the duh Janis definitely wanted to tack onto the end, its presence in every syllable. 

“I – uh, I didn’t think anyone wanted me there.” Her surprise makes her honest. 

 Janis stands up, brushing her pants off. She looks like she’s still dressed for the party, a cropped button up hanging open over a bandeau bra (lace. it’s – Janis is wearing lace ) and high waisted pants, artfully paint-splattered and embroidered. Her hair is kind of messy, the unruly waves framing her face in a way that makes her look carefree, younger. Dark, smokey makeup edges her eyes – Regina’s not sure if the slight smudging is purposeful or a result of the late hour. She looks soft in the hazy yellow light from the streetlamps that filter into Regina’s room. 

Regina wants to invite her closer, wants to tug her under the covers and wrap her arms around Janis. (Her exhaustion’s making her cuddly. That’s all this is.)

“Dude, we invited you. That means you should’ve come.”

We? Does that mean – “We?” Regina asks. She stares at Janis, covers tucked up over her mouth so only her eyes and nose are showing. (She hopes that means Janis can’t see the dumb smile creeping over her face.)

Janis tries to posture. “Well, I mean, everyone else. I didn’t –” She waves a hand, trying to dismiss her earlier words. “I didn’t care either way.”

Big talker for someone creeping into her bedroom before the sun’s up. 

Regina can see right through her. Janis is a little wasted and wanted to see Regina badly enough to trek across town. Regina doesn’t want to get her hopes up, but this feels like a type of forgiveness. 

Something in her chest jolts as she watches Janis try to come up with some sort of excuse. The smile stretched across Regina’s cheeks fades into an expression so soft Regina never wants anyone to see it. 

To distract herself from her new gooey center, she teases, “Did you miss me? Were you worried about me?”

“No, I just–” Janis scratches at the back of her neck. “Regina George missing a party? You gotta admit that’s some-something weird.”

She’s got this crooked little smile on her face. The corner of her eyes are crinkled and they shineshineshine. She’s so proud of herself for not faltering at Regina’s teasing, for coming up with some kind of comeback, and it’s adorable . Regina’s breath hitches. There’s an unfamiliar ache in her chest. In the midst of what should be a light hearted interaction, there’s still this knot of tangled feelings that Regina can’t even start to make sense of. So, like with most confusing feelings, Regina pushes them out of the way.

“So you came over to check on me? Sure sounds like you were worried.”

Janis wanders closer, taking in what she can see in Regina’s room in the dim light coming from outside. It’s changed a good amount since middle school. 

Regina wonders if Janis notices the bits that stayed the same, the landscape photos they took together tucked at the top of her dresser or the slight imperfection in the paint along one wall from when they got it into their heads that Janis was meant to paint murals – before she discovered embroidery. Her mom had made her paint over it, because it turns out color markers and children’s paints aren’t exactly prime mural creating tools. Regina loves that the pain is a slightly different shade there. 

She’s pulled back to the moment by Janis flopping onto the far corner of her bed. 

“You.” Janis raises a hand above her head to loosely point at Regina. Or in Regina’s direction – she’s not quite pointing directly at her, hand weaving through the air on an invisible breeze. Her words run together as she says, “You’re fishing. If you wanted me to say a ni- something nice, you should’ve come to the party. I would’ve told you that you’re hot or something.”

Heart in her throat, Regina forces a laugh. Her face is on fire. That tangle in her chest grows tighter. Regina can barely take her eyes off Janis. 

“I don’t think you would have. You’re drunk.”

“I just had a couple of shots.” She drags out the last word and throws up jazz hands. 

“A couple of shots and you end up –” Regina cuts herself off from saying in my bed. That feels too charged for some reason. “Tumbling through my window?”

“I promise I only had.” Regina watches, amused, as Janis tries to count. “Only like a bunch. And some white claws. And I went to 7-11, but they were out of slurpees.”

Janis is tiny. It’s no wonder she’s here and slurring her words and in Regina’s bed. Regina’s honestly surprised she’s coherent. (She also wonders what poor 7-11 worker Janis may have terrorized on her way over.)

“Okay, drunky. How about you stay here for the night. I’ll even grab you advil and some water for the morning because god knows you’re gonna be needing it.”

“I’ll be fine. I’m tough.”

Janis makes a face that she must think looks tough. Mostly, she just puffs out her cheeks and frowns, furrowing her brow as hard as she can. It looks the opposite of tough. She tries to puff out her chest and Regina has to look at the ceiling before she sees something she shouldn’t.

“Go to bed, Janis.”

There’s no reply. Regina looks back down the bed, only to find Janis completely passed out, still only half on the bed. Her arms are outstretched over her head, mouth slack and slightly open. Regina huffs. Well, at least she listened. Regina had been hoping Janis would stay conscious long enough to get herself situated so Regina could stay in bed, though. 

The way Janis is ragdolled half on and half off the bed has Regina wincing. Her back is going to hurt in the morning if she stays in that position – Regina considers herself an expert on that sort of thing.

Rolling her eyes, Regina gets up. She tugs Janis’ shoes off – Janis is dead to the world, not moving at all as Regina manhandles her. Next comes getting her fully onto the bed, which is easier said than done as Janis’ limp weight is unwieldy. Regina manages it, though. 

(Janis owes her about four coffees for waking her up and making her do this shit.)

She doesn’t bother tucking Janis in. That’s a step too much and the other girl can deal with some cold. Regina does go into her bathroom and grab some painkillers, leaving them on the nightstand next to Jnais. She’ll grab her some water in the morning – no way is Janis getting up before her. Regina will have plenty of time, Janis probably won’t move until 11 at the earliest, and who knows how that changes when she’s drunk. 

All that done, Regina’s free to get back into bed and burrow under her comforter. It doesn't take too much longer for her to fall asleep listening to the rhythm of Janis’ breaths. 

Chapter Text

Regina wakes up slowly. It’s a nice change from the way she’s been startled awake lately by her mom clattering around the house or yelling, and she sinks into the feeling, sighing in contentment as she wiggles deeper into her covers. There’s a weight on top of her, her arm out of the covers and wrapped around something warm. Still mostly asleep, she turns her head and nuzzles deeper into whatever is on top of her, eyes popping open when she feels hair tickling her face. It takes her brain a moment to catch up.

Waking up from some dream she can’t quite remember.

Janis. Sneaking into her room in the middle of the night.

Janis...Snuggling her in her sleep?

Regina tenses for a moment, waiting for the panic to come and send her tumbling out of bed. Instead, in this hazy place between sleep and full wakefulness, she doesn’t feel like they’re close enough. Regina wants to roll them onto their sides, drape herself over Janis and surround her. On the rare occasion she cuddled with Aaron or Shane, she never felt like this. Those moments were filled with discomfort, with the itch to escape, to get them off her.

It’s almost off-putting, the yearning in her chest. There’s no frame of reference, no time in the past Regina can point to and say ‘yes, it’s like this.’ No way to contextualize it. She just wants.

It’s too early to think too deeply about it, her thoughts still coming slow as molasses. She lets herself look at how they’re positioned. Regina hasn’t moved in the night, so their current position is all Janis’ fault. It makes it easier to accept.

Janis is draped over her side, one of her legs hiked up and over Regina’s hip so they’re pressed together as much as possible. Her head is nestled in the crook of Regina’s neck, nose brushing just above Regina’s collarbone. Regina’s arm is wrapped around Janis, her hand cupping the small of Janis’ back, the skin exposed and warm under her palm. Her pinky is tucked just under the waistband of Janis’ pants. Regina’s face heats and she moves her hand higher to where the cropped shirt actually covers.

There’s no need to move right now, something in her reasons. She really is comfy, and she should be able to wake up again and move before Janis can figure out what happened. She lets herself doze off again in the dim light of the early morning, shifting a little so they fit together a bit better but keeping Janis close.

~~~~~

She doesn’t know how long it’s been when she opens her eyes again, but the light is bright enough to keep Regina from sleeping soundly.

Janis is still cuddled to her chest. Something like relief, like contentment, spreads through her. The past week had been so full of doubt and pain about her friends, but Janis is here. She’s curled into Regina’s side, snoring softly because she wants to be here. Not because Regina invited her over or because she felt obligated.

She turns her head to check if Janis is awake. Not that Janis would be interested in cuddling me if she were conscious, her mind supplies. Her eyes are still closed, face relaxed. Her lips are partially open, her breaths puffing out against Regina’s skin and –

Regina wants to kiss her.

She realizes it in a rush as she looks down at Janis’ peaceful face. She wants to laugh, knows it will come out high pitched and hysterical if she does. Where did that come from? She’s never – it doesn’t mean anything. It’s not – it’s not a thing. It’s a bit of misplaced affection. Because she’s straight. She has to be. There’s no alternative that’s acceptable.

For a second, her father’s voice pops into her head, all vitriolic, righteous anger. She looks away from Janis, forces down the feelings rising in her chest because they’re not proper. The all too familiar fear and loathing rise in her, make her drop her hand from around Janis’ waist. She shouldn’t be doing this. It isn’t right.

But – and the fear doesn’t fade with the realization, but it does get less cloying – her father isn’t here. He’s not coming back (a different pain here, mixed through with relief and anger). His ideas don’t have to rule her. She doesn’t have to live by his expectations anymore. But what does that mean for her? For what she wants here, in this moment and so many others, with Janis?

And anyways, she thinks, panicked and thinking back over the school year. I like boys. Everything is fine.

She needs to get up. Needs to get away from Janis and the confusion she alights in Regina. She needs to think.

She’s just confused. She’s relieved that one of her friends wants to be around her is all it is. (The excuses aren’t effective when all she can think about are Janis’ lips and a half-faded flash from a dream.)

As gently as she can, Regina shifts Janis off of her. She slides off the bed and stands beside it, looking down at Janis as the girl grumbles in her sleep and shifts until she’s cuddled against the excess blankets. (Regina is never letting Janis live down the fact that she’s a cuddler. At least something good is coming of this morning.)

She grabs Janis water. Puts on sweats and a t-shirt. She wanders around the house as she tries to think through her feelings to process like she’s supposed to. Every time she tries to analyze the knot of emotions that lead back to Janis, her mind goes blank, whiting out and refusing to delve deeper, reigned in by fear. It’s like her subconscious is warning her away, telling her it’s safer if she lets it lie. Safer if she shoves it away and ignores it.

(She remembers her therapist saying something about her avoidant tendencies and the need to work on them. She figures identifying it is a good first step. This therapy stuff is easy.)

While her thoughts are no calmer, the intense pacing got rid of a lot of the anxious energy coursing through her. She goes back to her room, still skittish but less twitchy.

She looks down at Janis; she hasn’t moved since Regina left, still dead asleep.Regina doesn’t know what to do. Part of her wants to get back into bed. It’s not that late. She could lay back down and wait for Janis to get up. She doesn’t even have to get close to her again. And anyways, she reasons, it’d be weird if she were just sitting in a chair across the room waiting for Janis to get up.

The other part of her, though, screams that she should stay away. That the deep intensity of the want running through her body is reason enough not to let herself get close again. That it’s wrong to give into the urge to be near Janis.

Regina clenches her jaw. That bit of her sounds an awful lot like her dad, and she’s been fed up with him since her mom broke the news. Why follow him and his rules when he can’t even be bothered to come home, to stay?

Stiff as a board, Regina climbs into her bed. Her hands stay glued to her side as she stares up at the ceiling. It’s nowhere near as comfortable as the position she woke up in. She’s tense enough that she can feel the muscles in her leg beginning to twitch. Forcing herself to take deep breaths, she tries to calm down. It’s hard when her thoughts are a mess, a storm raging in her head, opposing emotions and thoughts at war.

Like a little heat-seeking missile, Janis rolls right up against her again. The contact quiets the maelstrom, all of her attention shifting to focus on Janis. Her nose wrinkles in her sleep as she tries to get comfortable against Regina.

Taking one more deep breath to steady herself, Regina lifts her arm so Janis can roll into her side. The furrow in Janis’ brow fades and she goes back to sleeping peacefully.

This is fine, Regina thinks. Janis initiated, so I haven’t done anything wrong. She breathes through the waves of worry and loathing until they quiet.

Content to wait for Janis to wake up – and needing to distract herself – Regina grabs her phone, scrolling through Instagram and twitter.

~~~~~

Janis shifts a little against her, and Regina hears her groan. She tosses her phone onto the bedside table and waits with bated breath to see what Janis will do when she wakes up. 

“God, my head hurts,” Janis mumbles, voice thick with sleep and lower than Regina’s ever heard it. (It doesn’t make butterflies erupt in Regina’s stomach, because that would be kinda gay and Regina’s not gay. She’s just nervous.)

“That’ll happen when you drink half a liquor store,” Regina jokes quietly.

Blinking blearily against the sun, Janis slightly lifts her head and squints at Regina. “Did I call you to pick me up or something?”

Like she’s run out of strength, Janis lets her head collapse back against Regina’s shoulder. Janis isn’t looking at her, so Regina lets a smile stretch across her face at the fact that Janis isn’t pulling away quite yet. 

It‘s nice having someone this close. Similar to the feeling Regina gets when one of her friends hugs her or rests a hand on her arm, but better because of how long it lasts. It soothes a need she didn’t even realize she had, fills an empty space that had been so constant she stopped noticing it. 

“No, you were just a tiny drunk gremlin who climbed in through my window.”

“I,” Janis says, pausing. “Do not remember that.”

God, who let her drink that much? What went on at that party? A thread of resentment runs through her. She tries to shake it off.

“What’s the last thing you do remember?”

“I think Aaron was handing out shots? Oh, and some man in a 7-Eleven uniform was trying to talk to me.”

Regina chuckles dryly, takes a chance and lets her fingers trail up and down Janis’ upper back. “You wanted a slurpee.”

“Fuck, I remember. They were out of slurpees, which is illegal and I was gonna call the cops.”

Why is she like this? She’s ridiculous and Regina likes her so much.  

Platonically. 

“Not sure that’s true, but-”

A hand hits her in the face as Janis shushes her. It falls to rest on her chest once Regina goes quiet.  “Regina, you have to be on my side. I’m hungover and in pain.”

She just – Regina shouldn’t call attention to it, right? Regina didn’t realize how much she actually missed hearing Janis say her name. Which is sappy and stupid and ridiculous. Everyone says her name, so it shouldn’t matter any more when Janis says it.

“I grabbed advil for you,” Regina says, shifting to grab it.

Janis grunts, a bony finger poking at her. “No move.”

“Alright, fine. Suffer then, see what I care.”

Regina pouts. She’s trying to be nice. The pout doesn’t last long. She’s joking around with Janis, who’s still curled up against her like it’s nothing. Janis used her name . If the panic wasn’t still swirling in her stomach despite Regina’s best attempts to ignore it, she might think it’s the perfect morning.

They go quiet, Regina soaking in the peace of the moment. The peace is abruptly broken by the loud growling of Janis’ stomach. Regina laughs as Janis whines and cups her stomach. 

“Hungry,” she grunts, eyes not opening as she rolls a little away from Regina. 

“We can go get food?” Regina asks tentatively. She doesn’t want Janis to leave quite yet. “Or I can order something so we don’t have to leave the house?”

Janis rubs at her eye, smudging her makeup even further. “What, not going to make me breakfast?”

Bracing herself to be brave, Regina lifts her arm and wraps it back around Janis’ shoulder, pulling them back together. The hangover must really be doing a number on Janis, lowering her guard and turning her pliant, because she lets Regina move her, even relaxes back into her arms. 

“I don’t think either of us want me to cook, Janis,” she says drolly. “I’d prefer both of us make it through the day without food poisoning.”

Janis snorts, turning her face to rub her nose against Regina’s shoulder. Regina’s heart stutters. “Fair enough. Ordering in it is.”

The closeness couldn’t last forever, no matter how much Regina would like it to. Janis seems to realize what she’s doing. Regina feels her stiffen and freeze against her. Despite Regina’s desperate pleas in her head for Janis to just let it happen, Janis quickly rolls over, putting space between them while trying to act like she’s just trying to get comfortable in bed. Regina sits up, sheets falling to her waists as she repositions to lean against her headboard.

“What, you don’t like cuddling me?” Regina says, forcing herself to tease, to make light of a situation that could quickly turn awkward. 

“Ugh, fuck off.”

“You put on such a tough facade but you’re really a big softy, huh?” 

She reaches out, pokes at Janis’ shoulder until she groans and swats her away.

“I swear to God, if you tell anyone-”

Regina laughs, cutting her off. “I’m telling everyone, Janis. Damn, I should’ve taken video evidence, the group chat would have loved that.”

(She has no real plan to tell anyone, but Janis doesn’t need to know that. No one needs to know about this morning, it’s just for Regina. And Janis, but Regina doubts it means the same for her.)

Before Regina realizes what she’s doing, Janis has grabbed an extra pillow from her bed. She slings it behind her, managing to nail Regina in the face without looking. 

Regina’s mouth drops open in shock. She tries to grab the pillow from Janis, but she manages to pull it back before Regina can. That’s fine. Regina has more. Grabbing the pillow behind her head, Regina starts wailing on Janis. 

“I’m not feeling good!” Janis cries, trying to scramble away. “You have to be nice to me.”

“You hit me in the face with a pillow, bitch! All bets are off.”

It feels like elementary school again, back when they’d play make believe. Janis was always the knight, coming to Regina’s rescue. Regina was usually fine with being the damsel waiting to be saved, but occasionally she’d be overcome by the dark side and join forces with the dragon Janis was trying to slay. They’d end up much like this, tussling and hitting each other with pillows until one of them surrendered.

~~~~~

Eventually, Regina manages to get Janis to take the painkillers instead of just complaining about her hangover. They also finally order food, Janis getting the greasiest, carb filled item on the menu. She gives Regina a look when all she orders is some avocado toast, smiling to herself when Regina rolls her eyes and adds a side of pancakes. 

Before the food arrives, Janis ducks into the bathroom, an offended squawk erupting. Her head pokes back out the door, an insulted look on her face. 

“You didn’t tell me I looked like this,” Janis cries. “You didn’t try to convince me to wash my face before I slept?”

Regina snorts as she takes in the distinct JoJo Siwa-ness of the dark makeup smudged around Janis’ face. “I couldn’t get you to stay awake long enough to take your shoes off. It’s not my fault you look like that.”

Janis rolls her eyes and retreats back into the bathroom.

They move downstairs for breakfast, Regina refusing to have food in her bed (her mom likes to bring snacks into her room, but it makes Regina itch when people eat on her bed). Sitting at the table, they eat in near silence, Janis staring blankly at her plate as she shovels food into her mouth.

“So, uh, you called me Regina earlier,” she says tentatively, breaking the silence. 

Janis studies her, worrying at her bottom lip with her teeth. Regina does her best not to stare. 

“I feel like I always forgive you too easily,” Janis says, understanding Regina’s real question.

“It’s been weeks!”

“And how long did you torture me?”

Regina purses her lips. Fine. So maybe Janis has a point. It hurts at the same time that it sends elation racing through Regina. Because it means that Janis forgives her. But she said too easily. So she doesn’t want to have forgiven Regina, she’s not over it, she still doesn’t trust her.

“No one can resist the Regina George charm,” she says, instead of voicing her real thoughts.

She makes Janis chuckle, which makes some of the dread dissipate. “Oh, is that what we’re calling it now?”

“What?” Regina asks with a smirk, leaning closer. She looks at Janis through half-lidded eyes. “You don’t think I’m charming?”

Janis’ lips part as her eyes flicker over Regina’s face, darting low for a second before snapping back up. All of a sudden, Regina is hit with that same urge from this morning. It would be so easy to reach across the table and pull Janis to her – they’re already so close. She could grab Janis’ chin, watch the way her mouth would drop open in surprise. Her lips would be soft, she’d probably gasp so prettily when Regina kissed her, it’d be –

Regina clears her throat and leans back. She shouldn’t be thinking this way.

“I think you’re charming when you want to be,” Janis says, the slightest flush rising at the base of her neck.

Regina grins, pleased, and looks down at the table. 

“I’m glad we’re friends again,” she says, and hates the way it doesn’t feel like enough. 

“You’re a sap, Regina George.”

Janis cleans up the remains of breakfast and heads towards the door. “I should probably get going.”

 “I can drive you home?” Regina offers, following behind and still in that weak state of wanting Janis close. 

“Nah, I’m good,” Janis says, grabbing the doorknob. “The walk will do my hangover good.”

What is with her friends and this whole walking business? First the hike and now this. Regina doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with driving somewhere, and she has never wanted to walk anywhere when she was hungover.

Regina shrugs. “Alright. Don’t get lost or harass any 7-Eleven workers on your way home.”

“They know what they did,” Janis says darkly as she leaves.

Regina rides the high of her morning with Janis for the rest of the day.

“Mom, come on,” Regina pleads, trying to find a way she can lift her mom’s limp form off the couch without tweaking her back. “I can’t lift you by myself. I just need you to-”

“Regina?”

Gretchen’s here. Why is Gretchen here? Did they have plans Regina forgot about? She hadn’t even heard the door, too absorbed in her mother to register anything else. Gretchen can’t come in here. Can’t see her mom in this state, see Regina in this state.

“Give me a minute!” She yells, her voice not coming out as calm as she’d like. “I’ll be there in a sec.”

“It’s fine,” Gretchen’s voice gets closer.

No, no, no, Regina thinks. Stay out of this room for a little longer, please.

“I can just-” Gretchen comes into the room, Regina seeing her pull up short out of the corner of her eye as most of her attention stays on her mom. “Regina? What’s going on?”

Regina expects to feel anger. To feel her all too familiar rage take over when Gretchen comes into the room, when she encroaches on a space Regina didn’t want anyone to see. Instead, all that’s there is hopelessness and a splitting shame as Regina lets her mom’s limp arm fall to the couch once more. 

“Um,” she says, those shameful tears gathering at the edge of her eyes like they did when Cady tried to find out what was wrong with her at the park. Her voice shakes as she continues. “Can you help me get her upstairs?”

Gretchen springs into action. “Of course. Here, I’ll get her sitting up and you grab her other arm.”

“Ok,” Regina whispers, taking a step away as Gretchen crouches close to her mom.

The shame gets deeper when Regina takes stock of what it must look like from the outside. It reeks of booze this close to her mother, with the underlying sourness from when she puked earlier. At least Regina managed to get that cleaned up before Gretchen saw. Her makeup is smudged and half-gone from the many rounds of crying her mother put it through. Her mom’s clothes are wrinkled and very obviously days old, adding to the cocktail of smells that surround her. Regina isn’t faring much better, her clothes a bit sticky from sweat and also probably a few days old. She doesn’t know when the last time she did laundry was. These clothes just didn’t smell, so she grabbed them. There’s not a bit of makeup on her face, and her hair is messily pulled back into a low ponytail, barely enough to keep it out of her face.

Gretchen, like she’s done it before, throws Regina’s mom’s arm over her shoulder, wrapping an arm around her waist so she can leverage her into a more seated position. Regina circles them and gets into the same position. Gretchen counts down and they stand, her mom coming to enough to grunt and get her feet under her. Together, they manage to get up the stairs and into her mother’s room, sitting her on the edge of the bed.

“I’ll get her situated. You can wait downstairs or something,” Regina says to Gretchen.

Regina gets her mom to lay down before retreating to the bathroom. She grabs a washcloth and runs it under warm water. After using the washcloth to gently wipe the remaining makeup from her mom’s face, she dumps the dirty cloth in the sink to clean up later.

Returning to the bed, she’s surprised to see her mom’s eyes open. The tears tracking down her cheeks are less surprising - crying may as well be her mother’s default state at this point.

“I’m sorry, darling girl,” her mom murmurs, bringing a hand up to cup Regina’s face.

She wants to get mad, wants to tell her mom it’s not fair that Regina has to take care of her like this. There’s nothing left but an empty sadness, though, all her anger towards her mother used up. Regina pulls her mom’s hand off her face and pats the back of it as she places it on the bed.

“Sleep it off, mom.”

~~~~~

Gretchen is hovering at the bottom of the stairs when Regina comes back down. “What’s going on, Regina? I’ve never seen your mom like that.”

Regina leads her to the dining room, one of the safe places in the house that’s presentable enough for company. 

“My dad left?” Regina isn’t sure why she phrases it as a question, why her voice comes out so weak and shaky when she’s pretty much come to terms with it. “Mom isn’t taking it well.”

Gretchen doesn’t get up, but she reaches across the table and grabs Regina’s hand. “I’m so sorry, Regina. I know how hard that can be.”

“I appreciate the help,” Regina says, flipping her hand over and grabbing Gretchen’s like a lifeline. “How did you know what to do? I was trying to get her up for a while and you made it look easy.”

“My mom didn’t take her divorce well either. I tried to keep everything together, but Karen ended up helping a lot.”

The implication there being that Regina didn’t help. She was too self-absorbed then, too focused on her quest to rule the school. She tries thinking back. She doesn’t remember even noticing that Gretchen was struggling.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you like you are for me.”

“You’re here now when I need you. That’s good enough for me.” Gretchen pauses. “My mom can give yours the name of her support group. It’s full of sad divorcees, but it really helped.”

Regina isn’t sure her mom is quite there yet, but Regina is willing to accept any help she can get. “Yeah, can you send it to me, though? I’ll make sure she gets it.”

Regina’s not sure where to go from here. Gretchen definitely came over for a reason, but her plan probably got derailed by all of Regina’s bullshit. Once again, Regina’s shit disturbs her friends. This is why she didn’t want anyone to find out. 

“Sorry that you had to see all that,” she says. “And that I’m all gross.”

“Regina, it’s -” Gretchen shakes her head. “You don’t have to apologize for that, oh my god. Do you want to get freshened up? I can wait down here.”

A chance to change and do her hair?  It’ll definitely help Regina feel less off balance here, faced with Gretchen who, as always, looks perfect. 

“That’d be great. I’ll literally be so quick.”

~~~~~

Gretchen is in the kitchen when Regina finally makes her way back downstairs, having changed into a set of clean (cleaner, she still has to do laundry) clothes and gotten her hair into a more presentable state. 

She’s scrubbing at the counter, the dirty pile of dishes that had surrounded the sink (yet another thing Regina had let fall to the side) either stacked in the dishwasher or soaking in the sink.

“No, stop,” Regina says, running up to try to pull Gretchen away from the counter. “I can do it. Leave it.”

She grabs at the sponge, only for Gretchen’s hand to shoot out and grab her wrist instead. “Regina? What do I love doing more than anything?”

Regina grumbles, pulling her arm out of Gretchen’s soft grip. Her eyes track over the mess. It looks worse somehow, the presence of someone else highlighting just how far she’d let it go.

“Collecting gossip,” she answers, knowing that’s not what Gretchen meant but unwilling to be cooperative.

Gretchen rolls her eyes. “And what do I love almost as much as that?”

She’s not letting Regina off the hook, apparently.

“Organizing,” Regina mutters. “Cleaning.”

“Wow, no way!” Gretchen motions to the kitchen. “And what’s this I see?”

“A mess,” Regina says, Gretchen’s faux incredulity making her want to smile. She battles to keep it off her face, but the corner of her mouth twitches up, and she knows Gretchen caught it.

“I want to help out, okay?” Gretchen says softly.

“We can always do it together.”

Regina doesn’t want to feel like she’s forcing Gretchen to do this, even though she knows that’s not the case. She wants to feel useful. (She wants to break down and cry because someone’s taking care of her for the first time in what feels like forever.)

Gretchen cheerfully says, “Nope!” and leads Regina to one of the bar seats on the other side of the counter. “You sit here and look pretty. I’ve got this, and I called Karen to come help.”

Panic chokes Regina. It’s one thing for Gretchen to find out. Regina doesn’t want to let another person in. Someone else is going to see her failure? See how she’s falling apart? “No, she doesn’t need to –”

Her eyes dart around the room. She can fix some stuff before Karen gets here. She can stuff some of her laundry in the wash, take the trash out, maybe manage to get a shower in. It’ll be fine, Karen won’t have to know. Her view of Regina won’t change; she won’t ruin her relationship with Karen by being a mess, by being less than perfect. It’ll be fine –

“Hey, hey, look at me.” Gretchen grabs her shoulders, gently shaking Regina so she can focus. “It’s Karen, Regina. Just us two. Is that really so bad?”

Regina George isn’t vulnerable. Regina George is perfect (she knows her friends don’t expect her to be, don’t need her to be. The pressure is there all the same) and she has her life together. She’s not some lost kid whose mom is currently half-comatose in bed. She’s not some weakling who cries and can’t do basic things like clean the kitchen and do her laundry.

Just us two.

Gretchen and Karen have seen Regina at her worst. Have borne the brunt of Regina’s sneering judgment. And they’ve stuck around through all of it. Regina forces herself to breathe, to think clearer.

“I can’t – what if –”

“Please let us help,” Gretchen pleads.

It feels wrong for them to clean up a mess that Regina got herself into. Feels wrong to let them in like this.

“I can do it,” Regina says.

“I know. That’s not what this is about,” Gretchen sighs. “What would you do if you came to my house and saw this?”

Regina knows what she’s doing, and she hates it. Because she’d help. She’d gently encourage (bully) Gretchen into letting her clean up, would do whatever it took to make sure her friend was good.

It’s different, though. Regina doesn’t – she –

Regina sniffles, hating the way her eyes are tearing up again.

Regina doesn’t deserve the help.

She’s still trying to make up for how horrible she is, and this has to be her penance. She should be the one fixing it, not her friends. She’s the one who needs to work and be better and-

“What would you do?” Gretchen asks again, snapping Regina out of her thoughts.

“I’d want to help.”

“So, we’re on the same page.”

Gretchen rounds the counter again, picking up right where she left off, like Regina never interrupted her. Regina watches, fidgeting. There’s not exactly anything she can say to Gretchen now that she’s admitted that she’d do exactly what Gretchen is. The steady movements of Gretchen’s focused cleaning are soothing, and Regina finds herself fending off a yawn. Gretchen catches it, because of course she does. (Stupid observant friends and their stupid habit of caring about her.)

“When was the last time you slept?”

“Last night.”

Gretchen gives her an unimpressed look. “How about a good night’s sleep?”

Damn Gretchen and knowing Regina too well. She’s not sure. She slept well when Janis was over (and wants to roll her eyes at how sappy that is), but it still wasn’t a full night. She was woken up in the middle of it. So, truly, Regina isn’t sure. 

“Maybe last week?” she says, shrugging. 

“Go nap,” Gretchen says, not leaving any room for argument. “I’ll let Karen in when she gets here, and we’ll be here when you wake up.”

It’s still hard for Regina to initiate casual contact with her friends. The hug she gives Gretchen before she heads upstairs is the easiest she’s ever given, and the way Gretchen holds her tightly makes everything feel a bit better.

She checks on her mother quickly – she’s still dead to the world, sleeping off her drunken stupor. Regina heads to her room, curling up beneath the covers and staring at the far wall. Anxiety swirls in her gut, endless worries about her friends judging her running circles through her head. She dozes in bursts, waking up every few minutes until she’s too wound up to stay in bed longer. 

She can hear music quietly playing in the kitchen as she makes her way downstairs, joined by the sounds of her friends talking. They both look up when she walks into the kitchen, smiling at her. There’s no trace of disappointment on their faces, no sign that anything has changed. It loosens the fist that squeezes around Regina’s heart, lets her return their smiles without forcing it.

“Hi, Regina!” Karen says as she gives Regina a hug. “Did you have a nice nap?”

No need to worry them even more. “I did.”

Karen frowns. Shit, Regina forgot how perceptive Karen can be. 

“It’s okay if you didn’t. You can try again tonight!”

And that’s it. No shaming her from being unable to do something simple like nap, no side comments about the state of the house. 

Regina smiles to keep the tears at bay. “Thanks, Karen.”

Speaking of the state of the house, the kitchen looks leagues better than when Regina left. The soaking pots have been scrubbed, the counters free of any clutter. The floor looks like it’s been swept, and the dishwasher quietly hums as it runs.

“Thank you guys for all the help,” she says sincerely.

They let her join in on the last few things that need to be cleaned, but soon enough Karen is pushing them towards the couch, rambling about the newest Bachelor episode that they just have to catch up on. Regina falls asleep in the middle of the episode, waking up during the rose ceremony to find a blanket draped across her as Karen and Gretchen cuddle next to her.

She thinks about deserving and about making amends. She’ll work as hard as she needs to to make sure she’s worthy of her friends, of the love they seem to endlessly offer when Regina struggles to even just be nice .

~~~~~

Gretchen hangs around after Karen leaves. “Y’know, I came over kinda angry with you,” she admits. 

Regina tries to think of something she’s done, but comes up blank. “Why?”

“You missed the party with barely any mention to anyone, and you’ve barely talked to me the past few days. But, with everything here, I can kinda see why, so it’s fine.”

Her mom isn’t the reason she missed the party. There’s still a bit of bitterness over the whole thing, and Regina knows if she doesn’t talk about it now then it’ll just get worse. She knows they need to clear the air. She groans internally, not wanting to discuss it as the annoyance comes back.

“Why would I have come to a party you guys didn’t want me at in the first place?” Regina says, letting that bitterness take over. “I’m not going to a party when I was pity invited.”

Gretchen reels back, confusion all over her face. “What do you mean? Of course we wanted you there. What are you talking about?”

Of course we wanted you there. The statement sets off a series of echoes, of half-buried memories of her father.  Everything leads back to him lately. He’s inescapable, his presence looming even though he’s gone. ‘Of course I love you, Regina.’ ‘Of course I’m coming home.’

‘Of course’ isn’t a promise. It isn’t a guarantee. ‘Of course’ might as well be a lie.

“We always, always, plan parties together,” Regina protests, trying to keep herself under control. “And then suddenly I’m finding out about a party from Cady of all people?”

Gretchen just did a bunch of nice stuff for her, no need to antagonize her when all Regina should be is grateful. It hurts, though, that Gretchen is acting like everything is normal and fine. Regina feels weak and desperate and lost . For the first time since they became real friends, Regina can’t tell where she stands with Gretchen. 

“Regina ,” Gretchen says, desperate and a little exasperated. “I didn’t ask for your help planning it because I didn’t want to put another thing on your plate. You obviously have enough to worry about without me making you do something else. 

“I was trying to be nice. You said you had stuff going on at home, and all of us, the whole group, could tell you were struggling. We didn’t want to push you to talk, but we still wanted to try to make stuff easier for you.” Gretchen is practically yelling by the time she finishes, a frustrated flush on her cheeks as she frowns at Regina. “And you just didn’t show up! We waited for you, and you could barely manage to text us back.”

Oh. That’s – well, that’s the exact opposite of what Regina thought. She feels like a bit of an asshole, but at the same time –

“I wish you would have told me.” Regina’s therapist is trying to get her to voice her feelings more directly. She hates it, but it’s probably good or whatever. “The change from how we usually do things threw me off. It felt like you guys were pushing me away because I was mean again.” 

Regina clenches her jaw, staring at the blank tv screen instead of looking at Gretchen. 

“That wasn’t what we meant.”

“It – it doesn’t matter that it wasn’t what you meant!” Regina says, throwing her hands out. “It hurt.”

“We didn’t mean it,” Gretchen says again. “You could’ve asked, could’ve told me you were feeling like that.”

“I’m telling you now.”

She hears Gretchen huff next to her. “I’m not a mind reader. You can’t expect me to know you’re upset when you won’t tell me anything. Hell, Regina, none of us even knew your parents are getting divorced! We’re your friends, you’ve gotta tell us what’s happening in your life so we can help. You can’t just get mad at us out of nowhere.”

“Fine. I’ll fucking tell you the next time my parents get divorced.”

Gretchen gets up. “I have to go. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.”

“I’m sorry, too.” Regina makes herself say. “Thank you for the help today.”

“You’re welcome.” 

Regina stays curled up on the couch long after Gretchen is gone. 

She does end up telling everyone about her parents. It takes her about a week to gather the courage, but one day in Karen’s basement it all comes pouring out. She gets hugs from her friends, and Cady and Janis offer to beat her father up. The threat of violence coming from Cady makes Regina laugh, which seems to be what she was going for, as she smiles and winks at Regina. 

When her friends are distracted later on, she leans over to Aaron who’s sitting next to her on the floor. “Am I horrible if I don’t miss him?” Regina whispers. 

Aaron snorts. “Good riddance, honestly. I only met him once and he was so mean.”

The reminder startles a laugh out of Regina. Aaron had met her dad on one of the few times he had bothered to come home. They’d gone out to dinner with Regina’s parents, and Aaron spent the entire time getting interrogated, every one of his answers to her father’s question apparently coming up wanting. At the time, Regina had been mortified, almost angry at Aaron for botching the dinner so thoroughly. 

Now, though, the mental image of his terrified face is entertaining.

Telling her friends doesn’t fix anything, not that Regina expected it to. Some of the heaviness she’s been carrying around is gone, though. Sucks that there’s something to this whole sharing your feelings thing. Not that Regina’s going to admit it. 

Their next hangout is at Aaron’s, which means most everyone gets pulled into a chaotic water fight using the hose and the small armory of water guns Aaron and his brother own. Gretchen and Regina sit out, content to watch from the deck as their friends run around screaming. 

The sun hits Janis’ hair, the dark locks shining. It looks soft. (Regina knows it’s soft, she’s reminded as the memory of waking up to Janis’ hair brushing her face flashes through her mind.) She’s smiling as she yells and chases Cady down, mercilessly spraying her with the hose. She lets out an evil laugh, throwing her head back as she cackles.

God, I have a crush on a dork, Regina thinks. The second the thought flashes through her mind she blanches, choking on her water as she quickly looks away. She doesn’t have a crush on Janis. Gross. It’s a - it’s a friend crush. That’s it. Because they just started being friends again. She ignores everything in her that says otherwise. 

Regina turns her attention to Gretchen. She doesn’t want to kiss Gretchen. Or Karen or Cady. No spark of interest there. So she’s not gay. Because the only person she’s wanted to kiss that’s a girl is Janis, and that’s probably a fluke. It’s fine. 

An idea pops into her head. An easy way to prove to herself that she doesn’t like Janis, or any girls for that matter. 

Pulling her phone out, she texts Shane. She barely has to try before he’s inviting her over. (What’s more difficult is convincing herself that the feeling in her chest is excitement. She’s nervous because it’s been a while, that’s all.)

 “I gotta go,” she says, leaning over to Gretchen.

“Where?” Gretchen’s confused, the plan had been to hang out for the rest of the day.

“Uh-” Why does it feel weird to admit where she’s going? “I’m going to see Shane.”

“What ?” Gretchen says, way too loud. “Why?”

Looking around, a few of their friends are glancing over, but most of them don’t seem to care much about Gretchen’s outburst. Regina clears her throat, attaches a smirk that she doesn’t feel to her face.

“Why do you think? It’s been a while and I have needs.”

“But you - I thought-” Gretchen stutters. “I mean-”

Regina tosses her hair over her shoulder. “It’s not a big deal.”

“I know!” Gretchen rushes to say. “I’m just, uh, surprised to hear it!”

Regina hasn’t heard Gretchen’s voice get this high and tense since the school year. She’s not sure why Gretchen’s making it such a big deal. It’s not like this is the first time she’s been with Shane. It’s so not a big deal.

Regina rolls her eyes. “Whatever. I’ll see you later.”

~~~~~

“Long time no see,” Shane says as he answers the door, a smarmy smile on his face as he leans against the frame. 

“Ugh, I know,” she says, slipping into her plastic persona like she never left it. “I’ve been so fucking busy lately. Missed you, though.”

She wiggles her fingers in a loose wave as she sweeps past him into the house. 

“Can I get you anything?” Eager as a puppy, he follows her deeper into the house.

“I know just the thing I need.”

She turns around, running a finger down his chest and watching as his eyes darken. His hand lands on the small of her back and he leads her to his room. At least it’s mostly neat, she thinks. It smells too much like cologne, and she can see a small pile of dirty laundry spilling out of the closet. He tried to clean up before she got here, which she’s thankful for. She has no interest in experiencing what his bedroom must look like every day. 

“So, uh,” he starts, standing behind her in the center of the room. 

 She kisses him. His stubble catches against the skin of her face. He returns the kiss eagerly, almost instantly trying to slip his tongue into her mouth. She’s used to the messiness in the way he kisses, adjusting and letting her mouth drop open slightly. She relaxes into the movement of it, into the familiarity of the rhythm. His hands come up to cup her hips, strong and stable against her. She lets her arms encircle his neck, pulls him closer as her fingers toy with the short hairs there.

See? she thinks. This is perfectly nice. This is good. I’m not gay or whatever.

The ironclad hold on her thoughts loosens a little with the relief that everything can stay the same. She can’t imagine that kissing Janis would be any better than this.

Like she summoned them, images of what it would be like to kiss Janis flood her mind. The smoothness of her jaw if Regina cupped it to bring her closer. The fullness of her lips, the way it might feel if Regina nipped at them. The noise Janis would make – a low moan or gasp as Regina let her tongue slip into Janis’ mouth. Would Janis let Regina lead? Would she slip an arm around Regina’s waist and pull her in? Tangle a hand in Regina’s hair to take control, turning Regina’s head to kiss her deeper, get them closer? Those quick, calloused fingers would play at the edge of Regina’s shirt, barely brushing her skin until Regina got desperate enough to ask for more.

Fire races down her spine, settling between her thighs. She arches and moans, kissing deeper, hungrier.

“That good, huh?” Shane asks as he separates their lips, a smirk on his face.

Regina comes crashing back to earth. She’d almost forgotten who she was kissing.

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck.

Regina pulls away. “I have to go.”

Shane shoots her a confused look. “Go? What do you mean? You just got here.”

Regina can not be here right now. “I’ve got shit to do. I’ll call you.”

Or not, she thinks as she scoops up her purse and makes her way out of Shane’s room.

Regina George doesn’t run. This is a tactical retreat at most. 

~~~~~

She speeds home, probably breaking plenty of traffic laws on the way. Her hands shake against the steering wheel as she tries to banish the last hour from her mind. It’s no use, though; it’s not like she can pretend it didn’t happen. 

Her mom is gone when she gets home, but Regina barely has the capacity to spare a second of worry as she charges into her room. 

Staring at herself in the mirror, she tries to see if anything has changed. There has to be something. Some sign of the switch inside her. 

But it’s just her. The same reflection that she’s seen every day for her whole life. The scared and beautiful stranger that she’s endlessly trying to connect to. 

Her lipstick is smudged, the imperfect reminder of what she did. Desperately, roughly, she cleans the makeup from her face, starting with the lipstick but wiping it all off in a fit of panic. Her bare face holds no more answers than it did before. 

She’s the perfect straight girl. (She should be the perfect straight girl. She needs to be the perfect straight girl.) The person everyone wants to be, the standard for those around her. 

But now, and she hesitates before she admits it to herself, those truths of her life ring false. (Not that they ever felt fully her to start with.) Like a shoe that doesn't quite fit, the labels she has defined herself by, the boxes she sorts her reality into, pinch and don’t feel like enough. 

Will it feel better to admit this new thing to herself? To try the new information on to see if it fits?

She stares intently into the mirror, her expression terrified. Slowly, she mouths the words to herself. I’m – I’m gay.

It feels –

Regina expected it to feel scary. For something in it to feel wrong. She expected something in her to rebel from it, to reject the new label. She watches a tear leak out of her eye. She doesn’t look as scared anymore; if anything, she’s closer to smiling.

It feels good. Feels like finding something she lost long ago. 

Somehow that’s scarier than the alternative.

Three truths, then. New information to work into the structure of herself. 

One: Regina might be just a little gay. 

Two: She has a crush on Janis. (She’ll handle it.) 

Three: Regina can never tell Janis. She’s done too much to the other girl for her to ever feel the same way about Regina. (She’ll handle it.)

Chapter Text

Saying that Regina is fine with her recent revelation would be an overstatement. It’s almost the end of summer and she’s no closer to actually telling anyone.

But she’s becoming more comfortable with it. It’s taken some time, and honestly her friends have helped a lot, not that they know it. Seeing them being happy and comfortable in themselves makes it a bit easier to accept in herself. She’s gotten to the point where she can think about her sexuality without having a panic attack, which is pretty nice.

She’s considering starting to tell people. Gretchen’s having a girls’ night at her house (without Cady, who’s in Africa with her mom and sends near constant photos of grass plains - boring - and very very distant animals - slightly less boring), and Regina’s tempted to mention it. The thought makes her hair stand on end, makes her blood pound in her ears and her throat tight.

She wants to be brave, though.

~~~~~

As always, she’s the first to arrive at Gretchen’s (she’s surrounded by people who are chronically late, and it makes her twitchy). They fall into a familiar rhythm, setting up the few remaining things before everyone else arrives while they catch up. 

As Regina sets out snacks, she hears Gretchen giggle. Looking over, she sees her looking at her phone, an adoring smile on her face. It’s the smile Regina usually sees pointed at Karen, so it’s not hard to guess who’s texting.

Gretchen spent so much time obsessed over dumb boys who didn’t give a shit about her. Constantly manic about how much attention she got from them, freaking out at the slightest indication that they were losing interest. (And yes, Regina can recognize the parallels in her old relationship with Gretchen there. It does not feel great, but Regina knows she’s doing better.) 

Gretchen needs relationships where she doesn't have to second guess or question where she stands with other people. Between their repaired friendship and the easy affection between her and Karen, Regina’s not sure she’s ever seen Gretchen this calm and stable in herself. It’s refreshing. It makes Regina proud. 

Ugh, when did I get so sappy?

Gretchen looks up and sees Regina watching, the bright smile becoming a bit shier but no less happy. “Sorry, Karen was texting,” she says. “She should be over soon.”

“You guys are cute,” Regina responds.

Gretchen tucks her phone away, leaning against the counter as she buries her face in her hands. The tips of her ears are pink.

“I really like her.” Her voice comes out muffled.

Regina laughs, ferrying a platter of fruit out to the living room as she calls over her shoulder, “I could’ve told you that for free. It’s not like your feelings were a secret. You were the one hesitating over telling her, all worried about whether it would ruin everything or not.”

Gretchen doesn’t respond. When Regina gets back into the kitchen, she finds Gretchen contemplating empty air, an exhausted expression on her face. She gives Regina a calculating look. She’s been doing that a lot lately. Regina isn’t sure what the cause of it is. She raises an eyebrow, tilting her head as she looks at Gretchen questioningly. Gretchen shakes her head and she smiles at Regina.

“You were right, obvi. Admitting my feelings really worked for me. I needed to be honest with myself and with Karen. I’m so much happier now that I’ve told her.”

Regina doesn’t know what to do about the weird preachy tone Gretchen took on as she spoke.

“…Yeah,” is all she can think to say in the moment, turning away from Gretchen so she doesn’t have to see the confused expression on Regina’s face.

She dumps a bag of chips into a bowl. Gretchen mutters something under her breath, but Regina can’t quite hear her. She shrugs it off - Gretchen’s odd behavior is almost normal at this point, so there’s no reason to question it.

They finish setting up, talking about Regina’s thoughts on the last season of Love Island - she hadn’t gotten to watch it when it aired with Gretchen and Karen like she normally did. Gretchen refuses to give her any spoilers. She’s such a purist.

They settle on the couch while they wait for Karen and Janis. Regina watches Gretchen out of the corner of her eye. Her thoughts loop, a constant march of I think I might be gay. 

Intellectually, Regina knows Gretchen will be accepting if she tells her. It’d be ridiculous if she did reject Regina. There’s no world in which Gretchen wouldn’t hold her and tell Regina that she’s proud of her. That doesn’t make the thought of admitting it any less terrifying. She’s not ready. Sure, it’s gotten a bit easier admitting her attraction to herself , less fraught with burning loathing. That doesn’t mean anything in terms of telling everyone else.

Be brave, she reminds herself. It’s just Gretchen, and she already knows all your darkest secrets. What’s one more?

Regina opens her mouth. Nothing comes out but a quiet wheeze.

She can’t – Regina feels like she’s going to puke, fingertips tingling as panic makes her heart race.

Luckily, Gretchen isn’t looking at her. As unobtrusively as she can so she doesn’t draw Gretchen’s attention, Regina tries to keep her breaths steady and measured. She clenches her fists, willing her hands to stop shaking.

Stupid reason to freak out, she thinks, counting down from ten to calm herself down. Fucking panicking over nothing. Coward.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

She hasn’t told anyone. No one knows. She doesn’t have to think about being out.

Everything is fine.

She manages to get herself together over the course of the next few minutes, just in time for the doorbell to ring.

~~~~~

She doesn’t even consider broaching the subject for the rest of the night. 

As it gets later, they settle around the living room to watch a movie. Regina sits on the floor and leans against the base of the couch to give her back a rest. The couch cushions are a bit too soft and she has to lean too far back to be fully relaxed. Throughout the night, she could feel her muscles starting to tense up. Janis sits on the cushion next to her, knees almost brushing Regina’s shoulder. Gretchen and Karen are doing that cute couple thing where they curl up on one cushion when there’s plenty of space for them to spread out. 

“Oh, we totally forgot to debrief,” Gretchen says, a glint in her eye Regina does not like. “We have to talk about your little meetup with Shane, especially since it’s been so long since you’d seen him.”

Regina freezes, eyes wide. Why the fuck would Gretchen bring that up now? Sure, in the past, their girls’ nights included talks about shit just like this. That doesn’t  mean that they need to do it now. While fucking Janis is right there! Looking at Regina like she doesn’t know how to feel about this news! This is the worst possible time, holy shit. 

Regina clears her throat, thankful that the dim lighting from the tv stops everyone from seeing her face go pale.

This would be a good time to tell them, Regina thinks. It’s the perfect segue into this newly discovered part of her. Instead, Regina just shrugs, not wanting to panic like she did earlier with Gretchen. 

“Shane?” Karen asks, tilting her head. “But I thought-”

“Yeah, she went to see him last week,” Gretchen says, eyebrows waggling as she talks over Karen. 

“You’re back with Shane?” Janis asks, an emotion Regina can’t identify in her voice.

Regina curses Gretchen out in her head. 

“Uh, no,” Regina says, shaking her head aggressively. “I had a momentary lapse of sanity, but I’m better now. I am uninterested in being with Shane.”

Or any man for that matter.

“Oh, boo,” Gretchen says, sounding fake in a way Regina isn’t used to hearing. “So nothing scandalous went on?”

What has gotten into Gretchen today? Regina rolls her eyes, accepting her fate. She’s not getting out of this until she gives Gretchen what she wants. And no way is Regina admitting what actually went on, the real reason she ran out of Shane’s house like he had the plague. 

“Not unless you count kissing him for five minutes before changing my mind and leaving as scandalous.”

Janis laughs, making Regina’s lips twitch up in response. “He’s that bad?”

The laughter calms into a kind of quiet, smug confidence at Shane’s assumed level of competence. Janis leans against the corner of the couch, arm slung over the armrest, legs spread over the cushion; as Regina watches her, a memory of what made her change her mind plays on a loop. 

“Uh,” Regina clears her throat and tries to come up with a different reason. It’s not like she doesn’t get along with Shane, and she feels bad about potentially bad mouthing  him for something that wasn’t his fault. “I just wasn’t feeling it, honestly.”

Luckily, everyone seems satisfied by her explanation, and she gets a break from the questioning. 

They stay downstairs, alternating between quietly watching tv and talking, until Karen’s yawning almost nonstop. At one point, Gretchen disappears for like fifteen minutes, but nothing is wrong - she just says she needed to do something for her mom and everyone drops it.

As they gather their stuff to go to bed, Gretchen freezes, seeming to realize something. She winces, looking between Regina and Janis.

“Ok, so, it’s not a big deal,” she says, tilting her head back and forth. “But I just remembered that one of the guest rooms got converted to an art room for my mom.”

Regina frowns in confusion. Last she heard, Gretchen’s mom had kind of let go of her crafting hobby. 

Regina starts to head towards the room. “We can help you clear off the bed? I don’t mind.”

“No,” Gretchen says, wide smile almost frozen on her face. “There’s just too much mess and I don’t want my mom to freak out about us touching her stuff.”

Freaking out Ms. Wieners is literally the last thing Regina wants. It would not end well for any of them.

Janis says, “I can just sleep on the couch, no big.”

“No you can’t,” the former plastics say in unison. Janis looks startled, like someone who wandered into a cult and just realized what it was.

“Ms. Wieners hates it when people sleep on the couch,” Karen whispers, eyes wide.

Regina nods in agreement. She got told off in freshman year for sleeping on the couch, and has developed a healthy respect (fear) of Ms. Weiners ever since.

Gretchen raises a hand to ward off any confused questions from Janis. “She says it messes with the stuffing of the cushions or something. I don’t know. Will you guys be okay to share?”

“We’ve-” Regina cuts herself off from saying we’ve done it before. She looks at Janis and raises an eyebrow. “We’ll survive one night, I think.”

Janis seems equally unwilling to mention the night after the party and shrugs.

“Great!”

Gretchen marches them all up the stairs, showing Regina and Janis the way to their room and pointing out the bathroom. In what feels like no time at all, they’re left alone, the door to Gretchen’s room swinging shut behind her and Karen.

“Dibs on the bathroom,” Janis says, not giving Regina a chance to respond before she’s gone.

While Janis hogs the bathroom, Regina quickly changes into her pajamas. She paces the room as she waits, thoughts going wild.

She can’t be creepy tonight, she reminds herself. No staring, no being weird and touching Janis in any way. Regina’s crush is not Janis’ responsibility, and the last thing Regina wants is to make her feel awkward. She’ll sleep on the very edge of the bed and everything will be fine. Part of her wants to suggest a pillow barrier, but would that also be weird since they didn’t have one the last time? Would that send the wrong message to Janis and make things awkward anyways?

Janis comes back into the room, snapping Regina out of her weird spiral. They switch places without a word. Regina takes her time doing her skincare routine and brushing her teeth. It gives her the opportunity to take a few deep breaths and get her head on straight. Or as straight as it can be when she’s about to share a bed with Janis (again, her mind supplies unhelpfully).

She had hoped that with how long she took getting ready Janis would be in bed already. Instead, she’s kneeling next to her bag, looking for who knows what.

Regina shifts from side to side, hands fiddling with the edge of her t-shirt. “Do you have a preferred side?” It’s not exactly something she discussed with drunk Janis the last time.

Janis glances at her before returning her attention to her bag. Calmly, she says, “I tend to sleep in the middle, so I’ll take whatever side you don’t want.”

It’s obvious that the idea of sleeping in the same bed isn't’ getting to her the way it’s getting to Regina. Hope that Regina didn’t know she had fizzles out. Janis, if she liked Regina in the same way Regina likes her, would act differently, right? 

Janis stands, a jerky, sudden movement. She twirls to face Regina, steadying herself on the edge of the bed as her feet slip slightly from the quick movement. She won’t look directly at Regina at first, eyes fluttering to hers and away a couple times before finally sticking. 

“You still flail in your sleep? Gotta know if I have to be on guard for stray elbows,” she jokes, a shaky smile on her face. 

The joke, and the reminder of their childhood sleepovers, sets Regina more at ease. She pulls a face at Janis.

“It happened once. You’re safe, don’t be a drama queen.”

“Hey, you try waking up in the middle of the night to an elbow to the ribs, and then you can call me a drama queen.”

They smile at each other, the lighthearted air interrupted by Janis yawning. They climb into bed, but it takes a while for Regina to actually be able to sleep.

~~~~~

Regina wakes slightly, some noise, like a door opening, bringing her out of a full sleep. Her eyes don’t fully open as she raises her head a little and grunts to see if there’s someone at the door who needs something. There’s no response, and the noise doesn’t continue, so Regina groans again and settles deeper into the soft surface under her, lulled back to unconsciousness by the steady rise and fall of whatever she’s laying on.

~~~~~

Regina does not get a peaceful wake up. The light filtering in through the half-open curtains rouses her back to consciousness. As her eyes flutter open, she realizes that once again, she and Janis have managed to find each other in their sleep. This time, it looks like Regina’s subconscious was to blame, her head resting on Janis’ chest and one of her arms slung around her waist.

None of the relaxation from the first time they cuddled is present. Adrenaline floods Regina’s body and she throws herself off of Janis, barely managing to catch herself before she falls off the side of the bed. 

Regina scrambles to stand, happy that Janis is a deep sleeper. Sure, they've cuddled before. It’s different now, in the context of Regina’s crush. She doesn’t want to make Janis uncomfortable, cross any boundaries that she used to push when she was unaware of her feelings. Face hot, Regina gathers her clothes for the day and retreats to the bathroom, not letting herself look at Janis again.

~~~~~

Regina walks into the kitchen, surprised to find Gretchen already there. Usually Regina’s the first one awake. She’s gotten used to navigating Gretchen’s kitchen; she knows where all the mugs are and how the complicated ass coffee maker works. 

Smiling brightly, Gretchen slides her a cup of coffee. “Sleep well?” she asks, a sly note to her voice that Regina isn’t awake enough to analyze.

“For the most part,” Regina says, trying to shove away the embarrassment of the position she woke up in. 

Karen stumbles into the room, rubbing her eyes. She wanders to Gretchen, bending down so she can rest her forehead on Gretchen’s shoulder. Gretchen’s face goes incredibly soft, and she presses a kiss to Karen’s head. 

A bone deep kind of yearning ignites in Regina’s chest as she watches them. She wants that same kind of softness with Janis. She takes a large gulp of coffee, lets the heat from the still steaming beverage wipe away the feelings. It’s not going to happen. She’s going to get over her crush and everything will be fine. 

It has to be.

~~~~~

Later, when they’re getting ready to leave Gretchen’s place, Karen rushes into the room, an excited smile almost splitting her face in two. 

“Guysguysguys,” she says. “There’s a fair coming to town! We have to go.”

Janis doesn’t look up from her phone. Like it’s nothing, she says, “Yeah, it’s in town for like two weeks. I’m working the face painting booth for a few hours on Saturday.”

Gretchen is scandalized. “And you didn’t want to tell us?!”

Janis shrugs. Regina knows she’s shy about speaking up when good things happen - especially when they have to do with her art. Always worried about expectations and not being able to meet them, no matter how confident she actually is in her abilities. 

Spinning one of her rings, Janis wrinkles her nose and says, “I wasn’t sure you guys would be interested in going.”

“I love the fair,” Karen gushes. 

“We’ll have to go around when your shift is,” Regina chimes in. “That way we can see you at work and still hang out once you’re done.”

Janis smiles shyly as she looks at the three of them. “That would be nice.”

“I’ll text the group chat, let them in on the plan. What time is your shift?” Gretchen already has her phone out, fingers flying across the screen. 

“I start at 1 and go until 3.”

In a matter of minutes, Gretchen has organized the group trip to the fair, Cady gushing almost as much as Karen because she’ll be back from Kenya by then. 

Regina nudges Janis as the other two discuss the trip. 

“You know you can tell us this stuff, right?” she whispers. “I know it’s not a gallery or something, but we’d still be proud of you. You’re our friend, we want to know when you’re doing something like this.”

A pleased flush spreads across Janis’ face and she smiles at Regina. “Thanks, G. I just, well, honestly I thought you guys might think it’s lame.”

“Oh, it’s very lame,” Regina jokes. “I’m kidding. You’ve got an art job, that’s pretty cool.”

“Face painting is hardly an art job,” Janis says, rolling her eyes. 

“Hey, let me give you a compliment, you know it doesn’t happen very often.”

That makes Janis laugh, and Regina finds herself swaying towards her, wide smile on her face. She loves that sound. Realizing what she’s doing, Regina leans back, giving Janis space.

“You’ve pretty much got built-in fans now,” Regina says, louder to pull Gretchen and Karen into the conversation. 

“I want to be Janis’ number one fan,” Karen says. “She can paint faces! It’ll be like Halloween but it’s not Halloween and there’s fair food instead of candy.”

“It’s,” Regina nods slowly a couple of times. “Yup, it’s exactly like that, Karen.”

She doesn’t say anything about Karen not being Janis’ number one fan. That would probably be too suspicious. 

Janis splits off almost immediately when they get to the fair, having to go to some sort of orientation before her shift. The rest of them wander the midway, discussing which games they think they’d be able to do and watching people fail to win the cheap prizes. 

Just before Janis is supposed to start at the booth, the group heads over. 

“So, we’re getting our faces painted, right?” Damian says. 

“I want to get mine painted!” Karen almost yells, bouncing in excitement. 

They all start discussing what they’re going to get, talking over each other in their excitement. 

They all clamber around the booth, pointing at different designs they want. The volunteer Janis is replacing sticks around when he sees the group, offering to paint half so it goes quicker. Regina hangs back. She doesn’t really want her face painted – the oil paint might make her break out.

“What are you getting, Regina?” Karen asks.

Regina looks at the paint in disdain. “As if I’m getting paint slathered on my-” She sees Karen’s face start to fall at Regina’s dismissal and changes track, clearing her throat. “I’m not getting one right now. Maybe I will later. The design you chose is really pretty!”

The dejection that was beginning to set into Karen’s face clears and she smiles at Regina. “Thank you! Gretchen’s getting the same one so we match. I think you should get one, it’d look pretty on you.”

“I’ll think about it,” Regina says, decidedly not interested in thinking about it.

She’s content to chat and give her (nice) opinions as she waits for everyone to get painted. It takes a good half hour for everyone to be done, and by the end, all Regina really wants is to get off her feet. Walking around is fine, but for some reason, standing still puts more strain on her back.

“Everyone ready to go?” Damian asks, face paint glimmering in the sun - he got what looks like a mermaid design, bright blues and green crossing his brow and cheeks with a liberal amount of glitter. “We’ve got rides to go on, people, come on!”

Out of the corner of her eye, Regina watches Janis set up her paint station as she says goodbye to the other volunteer. Her friends are heading out, going deeper into the crowd as they chatter excitedly among themselves.

“Regina?” Cady asks, having hung back when she noticed Regina wasn’t following. “You coming?”

“I might stay here. I don’t really want to go on any rides because of my back.”

Cady’s eyes widen in realization. “I didn’t even think of that! We can talk to the group about doing something else that you can participate in.”

“It’s fine, Cady,” Regina says, appreciating the thought. “I can bother Janis or grab a snack and meet up with you all later. I don’t want to mess with everyone’s plans just because I can’t do something.”

“Are you sure? I’m sure no one will mind.”

Regina knows all her friends love any sort of thrill ride. She’s not going to be the one to stop them from having a good time.

She smiles at Cady, pushing her to catch up with the group, who have finally realized not everyone is with them and stopped in the middle of the walkway. “Go have fun. I’ll be fine.”

“Ok, text if anything changes!”

Regina waves at the group and makes her way back to the face painting tent. Janis doesn’t notice her walking up, still absorbed in getting everything set up the way she wants it.

“Will you get in trouble if I hang out here?” Regina asks, motioning at the little camp chair that sits in the corner of the booth.

Janis jumps, hands knocking the paints out of place. She glances around to see where the rest of the group went.

“You need a bell,” She says, hand on her chest. “I think it should be fine. I don’t think it’ll be busy enough for it to be a problem. What happened? I thought the plan was for all of us to meet up once my shift was done?”

“They’re going on rides,” Regina shrugs, reaching around Janis to straighten the pots of pigment. “I wouldn’t get on those fucking death traps normally, but I just know they’ll fuck up my back if I ride them.”

“And no one was willing to hang back with you?” Janis says, insulted on Regina’s behalf.

“What if I wanted to be here with you?” Regina asks, unable to help herself as she leans forward and bats her eyes at Janis. Hopefully Janis will read it as teasing because Regina’s not supposed to be flirting with her.  “You don’t want to hang out with me?”

Janis holds her palms out to stop the thought. “No, that’s not it! I just – I, uh, wanted to make sure you were good.”

“You’re sweet,” Regina says, reaching out to rest a hand on Janis’ arm. Janis is warm under her palm. She’s tempted to let the touch linger, to soak in the contact as much as she can. That does not fall under the umbrella of “handling” her crush, though. She pulls away, letting her fingers trail across Janis’ skin. 

Clearing her throat, Janis steps away and starts fiddling with the paints at her station. “How’s the fair so far? What have you guys done?”

Regina settles into the camp chair and observes Janis as she tests the paint on the inside of her forearm. After the basic swatches, Janis starts testing how well the paints blend together. It’s cute how seriously she’s taking it - even after painting her friends’ faces, she’s making sure she’s completely ready to man the stall. Colors swirl across her skin, steady hands creating a small sunset in an instant. 

Janis seems at peace here, a serene look on her face. Regina knows face painting isn’t exactly Janis’ usual method of creating art, but you could never tell by the way she holds herself. Regina can tell she’s excited about being allowed to participate in the booth from the small smile she sports as she flips through the design book.

“Regina?” Janis asks, lifting her head. “Did you hear me?”

Shit. now is not the time to get lost in her thoughts while staring at Janis. 

“Sorry, I heard you. We’ve mostly been wandering around to see what we want to do as a group once you’re free. Oh, and Aaron tried to win a stuffed lion for Cady at one of the games.”

Janis snorts. “Everyone knows that shit is rigged. Did he win?”

Regina laughs. “Hell no. It was one of those ring toss games and he missed every single throw.”

“Like I said, rigged.”

Regina tilts her head back and forth, humming in disagreement. “Normally, I’d agree with you. Except literally right after Karen tried and got all the rings on the bottles, so…”

Regina can’t help the smile on her face as she watches Janis throw her head back and laugh.

“No fucking way. That’s that Shetty magic, I guess.”

Their conversation is cut off as a mom approaches the face painting stand, holding the hand of a shy looking kid in a princess dress.

They chat in between customers, Regina happy to curl up and watch Janis work. She’s good with kids, something Regina didn’t know about her. Something tender in Regina’s chest aches as she watches Janis coax smiles and laughs out of even the shiest kids that come up to have their faces painted. Every so often, she’ll look at Regina over their shoulders, smiling or sticking her tongue out or wiggling her eyebrows. It makes butterflies erupt in her chest, and Regina knows she probably looks so smitten as she smiles back. (Stupid crush making her all stupid and mushy. Hopefully Janis doesn’t notice.) She talks to them, listening to what they’ve done so far that day and what they’re excited about. By the time the kids leave, they all believe that Janis is their best friend, turning around and waving at her as they walk away.

~~~~~

“And how do you know how much of each color to add?” Regina asks, looking over Janis’ shoulder as she messes with her blending technique.

“Honestly, it’s kind of a practice makes perfect situation? Here, give me your arm and I can show you.”

Instead of looping around the table, Regina simply leans around Janis, supporting herself with one arm on the table and offering Janis the other. They’re really close like this, Regina realizes, too late to change her mind. She can almost feel Janis brush up against her when she breathes. Looking away, Regina squints into the brightness of the rest of the sun-soaked fair, trying to reign in her reaction to having Janis up against her like this. 

(Being aware of her crush sucks. She hardly ever had a problem being around Janis before she realized.)

The brush of paint against her arm makes Regina jump, eyes snapping back to what Janis is doing. She’s painted a small streak of light pink on the inside of Regina’s arm, switching the small sponge to one tipped in orange. 

So if I want to blend them into a new color,” Janis starts. “I just use equal parts of the colors I’m mixing, depending on the shade I want.”

Regina lets Janis’ explanation wash over her, not absorbing most of it. She’s more interested in watching that little spark of joy come to life in Janis’ eyes, in seeing the way she starts to talk a bit faster as she falls into a rhythm. 

Adorable, Regina thinks, before quickly squashing the thought.

She forces herself to zone back in, knowing the descriptions of the artistic process will keep her from focusing on the light sheen of sweat at the base of Janis’ neck. 

“With my normal paint, it’s usually not much of an issue. I can just add more of one color and blend it out from there, but these paints aren’t the most forgiving, so I have to be careful.”

“Are you guys open?” a voice says from behind them, and Regina leaps back from Janis, turning and looking wide-eyed at the small family that walked up without them noticing. 

She tries to fade into the background as Janis greets them, waving the kid over with a bright smile that makes the corner of her eyes crinkle and Regina’s heart race. Back in with the safety of her chair, Regina brushes her fingers lightly against the paint Janis has left against her skin. She imagines that she can still feel the heat of Janis’ hand against her skin, steady and slightly calloused.

Regina is mortified when, while their kid is getting their face painted, the parents walk up to stand beside her.

“Do you also paint faces?” the father asks, friendly smile on his face.

“No,” Regina says, shaking her head vehemently as she chuckles. “Trust me, no one wants to see me try to do that. I’m just here so she doesn’t get lonely.”

“It’s so nice that you’re here to support your girlfriend, then,” the wife gushes, quiet enough that Regina can fool herself into thinking that Janis wouldn’t have heard it, even though she’s only five feet away.

“Oh, we’re not – I just –“ Regina tries to come up with a response.

The mom looks horrified. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to assume, I just thought with how you both acted-”

“It’s fine, ma’am,” Regina says, instead of screaming like she wants.

Louder than she has been for the rest of her shift, Janis says, “Wow, buddy! It looks super cool. Do you want to show your parents?”

The father tosses an apologetic smile over his shoulder at Regina as they go to look at the tiger design that takes up their child’s face. Janis doesn’t look at her as she closes up the transaction. After the family leaves, she turns to Regina, acting like nothing happened. Regina’s happy to go along with it, even though her mind is caught up in a cycle of thinking about dating Janis. Luckily, it doesn’t take long for another family to walk up, and Regina is saved from having to figure out how to bring it up – or if she even should bring it up.

(Haha, wow, so funny that they thought we were dating, Regina imagines herself saying. Can’t tell why they’d think that!

As if she hasn’t been sitting here staring longingly at Janis any time her attention isn’t directed towards Regina or using every excuse to get close to her.)

She rubs absently at the paint on her arm.

There’s something deeply attractive about how capable Janis is, how she puts a personal touch on all the designs she does. She barely has to look at the reference book and they come out perfectly, not one kid leaving the booth disappointed.

Regina wants to kiss Janis, to show her appreciation by pulling Janis into her lap and making sure she knows just how much her talent is valued.   She clears her throat and shifts in her seat.  

“Sorry, are you bored?” Janis asks, having caught Regina’s movement.

“Not at all, I was just getting comfortable,” Regina says.

“Good. I know it’s been a bit busy over here, and I didn’t want you to feel like I was ignoring you.”

“I’m impossible to ignore,” Regina says with a teasing (and definitely not flirty at all) wink.

~~~~~

There’s a bit of extended downtime near the end of Janis’ two-hour stint in the booth. No one seems to want to stop to get their face painted in the middle of the afternoon. Regina finds herself wanting to get her face painted, the disdain from earlier with their friends having faded now that she’s watched Janis do it a few times.

“Can you paint my face?” Regina asks. “I think it’d be fun.”

Janis looks surprised. “Yeah, sure. Didn’t think it was something you’d be interested in.”

Regina shakes her hair out, pulling it into a quick ponytail as she gets up from the camp chair and goes over to Janis.

“I mean, I’m not going to get anything crazy , but a small design on my cheek could be cute.”

Janis wipes at her hands with a rag, cleaning the remnants of paint off of them with quick, efficient movements. She studies Regina, eyes on her cheek like she’s evaluating a canvas.

“Do you have a design in mind?”

“Can I flip through the book?”

Janis hands it over. It’s a surprisingly thick book, the majority of the pages being taken up by smaller designs while the last few pages cover the full-face options. Nothing’s really catching her eye. She’s ready to tell Janis to just paint something cool on her when her eyes land on a little butterfly. It’s delicate, the tips of the wings covered in silver glitter.

Change, growth. Regina can’t believe she’s identifying with a bug.

“Can I get this one?” she asks, sliding the book back to Janis. “I’d like it in-“

“Pink,” Janis finishes for her. “Wouldn’t expect anything else.”

“I’m not that predictable,” Regina says as she sits down. “What if I wanted it in green?”

Janis looks unimpressed, raising an eyebrow. “Do you want it in green?”

“Be for real, Janis. Of course, I don’t.”

“So fucking contrary,” Janis huffs under her breath.

She steps close to Regina, reaching out to grab her face. If Janis’ touch on her arm earlier was warm, the hand on her jaw burns. Regina gets lightheaded for a moment, the combination of having Janis standing so close over her while also touching her sending Regina into a tailspin. (Note to self, she thinks, dazed. Don’t let Janis touch me. It’s not helpful for the whole handling my crush thing.) She gasps, lips parting, as Janis gently turns her head, the fingertips against her face flexing and digging in for a second.

“You okay to keep your head like this?”

It’s a struggle to keep her voice from coming out as unsteady as she feels.

“Yeah,” she breathes, eyes meeting Janis’ before darting away again.

“Good.” Does Janis’ voice sound deeper?

Regina’s pulse trips over itself. Mouth dry, she licks her lips and focuses on staying still for Janis. She pulls away for a moment to get her paint, brushes, and sponges ready, a cute look of concentration on her face. Once more, Janis’ fingers brush the skin of Regina’s face as she starts.

It’s surprisingly relaxing once Regina gets used to it. The steady movement of paint on her face is almost soothing, and Regina leans into it, carefully settling deeper into her chair so she doesn’t jostle Janis.

Positioned the way they are, Regina has to look up at Janis. It’s not a spot she finds herself in too often. Eyes hooded, she lets the world go soft around the edges as she watches Janis work. She takes in the slight wrinkle between her brow and the way her tongue barely peeks out between her lips as she focuses. Regina bites at her bottom lip, gaze stuck on the lush swell of Janis’ mouth. 

She feels the brush slip, the jagged movement out of place from the soothing rhythm Janis had struck before this. 

When she manages to tear her gaze away from Janis’ lips, she finds Janis’ eyes on her instead of on the butterfly taking shape on her cheek. The second Regina makes eye contact, though, Janis looks away.

Janis curses quietly under her breath. She grabs a damp towel and wipes at Regina’s face.

“I have to fix this bit, sorry. My brush slipped. I’m almost done, though, shouldn’t be too much longer.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Regina says, a little too honest.

She does her best not to stare (she’s been trying this whole time and it doesn’t seem to be working. Dumb Janis and her dumb attractive face, and dumb Regina and her dumb fucking crush), but there’s a bit of frustration from messing up that settles around the edges of Janis’ mouth and in the small wrinkle in the middle of her forehead that has Regina entranced. Janis glances back at her, quirking an eyebrow. Regina wants –

Well, Regina wants.

And she shouldn’t. Nothing good can come from it. Knowing herself, Regina’s certain all she’ll do is hurt Janis again. And that’s the last thing she wants. Better to let this infatuation run its course. Safer for Janis if Regina gets over it.

Clearing her throat, she makes a lighthearted comment to clear the charged air between them.

“Can’t have my face paint looking anything less than perfect. What will everyone think if my butterfly is even slightly lopsided?” she says, forcing a posh accent.

It’s over the top and stupid, but Janis continues the bit, pausing to bow ridiculously as she says, “Only the best for you, m’lady. I am but a humble servant to the whims of your face painting wishes.”

Regina cracks a smile, torquing her face to try to keep from messing up the paint. Janis smiles unrestrained, pulling a goofy face.

“You’re a nerd, actually. I can’t believe I –” Regina cuts herself off, horrified at the fact that she was about to say I can’t believe I like you . She’s not supposed to tell Janis, holy shit. Recovering, she continues. “I’m your friend.”

“Newsflash, blondie,” Janis says. “Half your friends now are nerds. Better get used to it.”

Regina smiles, biting her tongue between her teeth. “How far I’ve fallen.”

Janis finishes up the butterfly without any more hiccups. Regina’s almost dizzy by the time Janis steps away from her. She’s tired from the effort of keeping herself contained, from stopping herself from acting on every stupid urge that ran through her head.

Janis starts cleaning up, her shift at the booth coming to an end. Regina tries to gather herself enough to act normally. The paint is still drying on her cheek, a constant reminder of how close they had been.

Janis doesn’t look affected at all, chattering to Regina about something she can barely focus on. Their proximity hadn’t affected her at all. Just like the sleepover at Gretchen’s, this is just more evidence that Janis isn’t interested. 

The crush is one-sided, Regina concludes. I need to get over it.

~~~~~

They meet up with the rest of their friends, Gretchen still clutching the large bunny rabbit Karen won for her. Cady is cuddling a small dragon toy that she didn’t have when Regina split off from the group. 

She sidles up to Aaron. “I see you finally got your girl a prize.”

She’s surprised to see Aaron pout, folding his arms and kicking at the dust. “ No,” he says. “I didn’t win it. Gretchen won the balloon dart game thing and gave it to her.”

“Dude,” Janis says, appearing on Aaron’s other side. “You, like, do sports. What’s going on?”

He buries his face in his hands with a groan. “Fair games are stupid.”

They wander around the fair until the sun goes down. Aaron tries three more fair games. On the last one, he manages to win a small prize. Cady takes it, acting so proud you would’ve thought Aaron had won the lottery. 

Regina enjoys hanging out with Damian. Surprisingly, he’s the one she feels most comfortable sitting in silence with. So, when she arrives at his for a movie night/sleepover and no one’s there yet, she finds herself kind of happy. It’ll be nice not to feel any pressure to talk, no expectation to engage beyond what she wants to.

Or, usually she doesn’t feel any pressure to talk. 

This time, the silence bothers her. She gets stuck staring at the far wall of the basement, at the mess of posters and prints and the pride flag hung in the center of it all. She stares and stares and stares until the sentence comes crawling up her throat, too strong to be kept down.

“I think I’m gay.” It comes out loud as a gunshot in the silence that had settled between them.

It makes Damian jump, makes him press a hand to his chest. She keeps her eyes on the pride flag, but out of her peripherals, she can see him turn towards her. She watches emotions cross his face – surprise giving way to a brief but intense flash of anger before his expression settles into something Regina can’t quite parse out.

“You?” he starts. “Gay? Are you sure? Little miss fucks-boys-in-the-janitor’s-closet is gay?”

It stings. Regina can feel the back of her neck prickling, heat crawling up the back of her ears. She hates the burn of embarrassment his disbelief causes.

“Forget it,” she spits, crossing her arms over her chest. Her reaction to embarrassment is always going to be anger. “Fuck me for assuming this would be a safe space or whatever.”

She’s finally able to tear her gaze away from the flag, the sight of it feeling almost mocking now. Is this how everyone is going to react? (It scares her, that this might be the thing that tears her friendships apart.)

Damian opens his mouth to respond and pauses. She doesn’t say anything else, all her energy going towards not saying something she’ll regret, to stopping herself from running. After what feels like forever, Damian speaks again.

“You know why I have trouble believing you, right?” he asks quietly, reaching out to rest a hand on Regina’s shoulder for a moment before letting it fall. The question is clearly rhetorical because he keeps talking, the comfort of that touch fading as his voice hardens. “You spent years giving people, giving me and Janis, hell because we were queer. It’s fucking 2024 but you decided to keep homophobia alive and well in our little school.

“You called Janis a dyke for the grave sin of caring whether you were okay or not. And that was after things had gotten better. So pardon me for not fucking believing you. I know you’ve changed,” he qualifies, raising a hand to stop a protest she wasn’t going to give (he’s right and she knows it). “That doesn’t change what you did, though.”

Regina takes a deep breath, accepting the well-earned vitriol as best she can. She still bristles – she’s never been good at taking criticism – but she doesn’t snap at him.

There’s a shake in her voice. “I have been terrified for a long time, Damian. Ever since I was a kid, my father has spewed so much shit about gay people. Did you know that my dad came home one day bragging about getting a gay person fired at work?” A rhetorical question of her own. “That doesn’t excuse what I did, I know that. But he shaped me, even though he was hardly ever home. But the only view I had of queer people for the longest time was that they were less than. So I pushed everything away. Pushed away my feelings and anyone who might make them come up again.”

She realizes how that sounds a second too late, tries to cover with, “Not that I had feelings for anyone.”

Damian catches it, interrupts to say, “Oh, you had feelings for someone?” in a way that lets Regina know exactly who’s on his mind.

And she may be ready to admit that she’s gay, but she’s nowhere close to being prepared to confront the feelings she’s been trying to leave behind since sixth grade, especially not out loud.

“Nope, not going there,” she says.

Damian raises his hands to show he’s letting it go. “Sorry, don’t get touchy on me.”

Another silence.

Regina considers how she feels. It didn’t feel as freeing as she thought it would, telling someone about her feelings. That could be because of the way they instantly devolved into a fight, but Regina had expected it to feel better.

“So you’re really gay? You’re sure?”

“I’m as sure as I can be,” Regina replies, voice a bit short from feeling so emotionally exposed.

Damian’s arm wraps around her shoulders and she’s pulled into his side. He’s still so careful not to jostle her back too much. She keeps herself still and stiff, not quite ready to accept the touch. She doesn’t know how to accept it, in the wake of this odd confession-fight.

“I’m proud of you,” Damian says, voice rumbling in his chest and against her. “It takes a lot of courage to come out.”

And oh, there’s the acceptance she had craved. There’s the rush of happiness, the freedom of belonging that she had wanted. She relaxes into the hug, sniffs away all the emotions threatening to spill over. After a moment, she pulls away from him, not wanting her back to twinge and needed a bit of space from feeling so vulnerable.

“Thanks, Damian.”

“Feels good, doesn’t it?”

And it does. It feels real and true and terrifying. It’s out there now. Someone else knows. Regina wouldn’t trade it for anything.

“Yeah,” she says.

“Have you told anyone else?”

“Hell no, ” Regina says, shaking her head. “Please don’t tell anyone. I’m not ready.”

“Hey, I’m not-” An awkward stumbling moment before he says, “I’m not going to tell.”

She’s not sure if this is what he was thinking, but her mind fills in the blank of the pause anyways. He’s not her . He wouldn’t out someone. Wouldn’t mock someone behind their back, bringing the whole school into a private joke at their expense. 

“Thanks,” she grits out, trying to ignore the looming emotions. 

Her brain is always ready to supply a reminder of who she was, what she did to the people she called friends. She muscles through the waves of guilt and shame, trying to keep herself focused on the happiness of his acceptance. For once it actually works. Regina sighs in relief. 

The roller coaster of emotions has Regina almost tired. She needs to get in a better headspace before everyone comes over, and for once she’s happy that none of their friends are ever on time. Regina retreats, pulling out her phone and curling up on the other end of the couch from Damian. He lets her do it, understanding her need for space. 

Putting her phone on the lowest volume, she pulls up TikTok. The first video on her FYP is of Janis (like a sign Regina is choosing to ignore)  – she’s playing an impressive guitar riff to a Chappell Roan song that makes Regina’s mouth dry as she watches the easy way Janis’ fingers navigate the strings. Looking over her phone, Regina sees that Damian is absorbed in his own phone, definitely not paying attention to her. 

She lets the video replay, watching the smirk on Janis’ face as she stares confidently into the camera. She’s hot and Regina is screwed, honestly. There’s a glint in her eyes that makes Regina even more attracted to her, and if she’s frank, she didn’t know there was another level above what she already felt. Chewing on her bottom lip, Regina lets the video play again. This will be the last time. She’s not obsessed or anything.

She lets the video loop again. (And again and again. She’s normal about Janis and her guitar playing.)

Two fingers reach over the top of her phone, pulling it down so Damian can look at her. He raises an eyebrow at her, cracking a bit of a smile when her eyes widen and a flush crawls up her neck.

“I know you’re not ready to discuss it or whatever, but if I have to hear that TikTok of Janis playing guitar one more time I might go insane. Please get it together.”

“I’m not – I was  –” Unfortunately, there’s not much she can say that will make this situation better. “It wasn’t Janis?” she offers.

“Girl, yes it was.” He rolls his eyes at her. “You’re both so –“

He’s cut off by the sound of the doorbell. Getting up to answer it, he leaves Regina alone in the basement.

We’re both what? Regina wonders.

She loses her chance to ask him what he meant, but spends the rest of the day looking between him and Janis, trying to figure it out.

Chapter Text

The good thing about her sudden coming out to Damian – besides the freedom of actually being out to someone – is that it makes the thought of coming out to everyone else easier. 

Well, almost everyone. Damian’s initial reaction, no matter how deserved it was, has Regina scared of telling Janis. As much as her actions affected Damian, they changed Janis’ life even more. And not for the better. She doesn’t want Janis to – to hate her. She did horrible things, only made worse in the wake of her realization. It’d make sense if Janis got angry at her, but Regina’s angry enough at herself for both of them. Regina hopes she takes it well, hates that she’s not sure Janis will. Regina wants Janis to like her – that’s probably all she’s ever wanted, even before all this. 

All that to say, Regina’s definitely not ready to tell her. 

But coming out feels less intimidating overall, which is why Gretchen and Karen are on their way to Regina’s house. Regina figures if she invites them over to ‘tell them something,’ there’s enough expectation to keep her from backing out. 

When they arrive, Karen pulls Regina into a hug that chases away any remnant of apprehension Regina had been feeling. She sinks into the embrace, smiling at Gretchen over Karen’s shoulder before rolling her eyes at the gooey expression on Gretchen’s face.

They chat lightly as Regina leads them upstairs. As they settle on the bed, Regina stays standing. It’s reminiscent of the start of their friendship, which feels like forever ago, when Regina paced in front of them on her crutches much like she is now, getting ready to apologize. The memory has Regina going still, not loving the parallel.

This is a good thing. The parallel has her reconsidering. This is a good thing. She’s figured out something great about herself and she’s acting like it’s the complete opposite. She huffs out a laugh through her nose, shaking her head at herself. (It’s still scary, that hasn’t changed, but Regina’s starting to understand the difference between good scary and bad scary. It makes it better.)

“Is,” Gretchen hesitates. “Is everything okay? You don’t usually call us over just to talk.”

The prompting snaps Regina back to the present. She apologized for being an absolutely horrible person – this should be easy. Damian accepted her, and so will everyone else.

She turns to face Gretchen and Karen, opens her mouth, and –

“I like women.”

Well that wasn’t the speech she had practiced. She winces as she says it – internally, at least – an ingrained reaction to sharing something vulnerable that she hasn’t managed to shake. On the outside, she’s as cool as can be, hanging on to every ounce of composure that she has left. It’s not a big deal if this goes badly, she lies. Everything will be fine.

With how closely she’s watching their reactions, Regina doesn’t miss the split-second satisfaction on Gretchen’s face before a wide smile takes its place.

“Thank you for trusting us with this, Regina. I know it’s a big deal, and I’m glad you feel safe enough to let us in like this.”

“Holy shit, you sound like a self-help book,” Regina blurts, relief momentarily overriding her filters. “I mean, thank you. For not reacting badly.”

“Wait,” Karen says right after, thankfully destroying any weirdness that might have settled in the wake of Regina’s stumbling. “Were we not supposed to know that?”

“Um, well, I didn’t think that you knew.” Regina takes a second to think, mind sticking on the knowing moment before Gretchen smiled earlier. “Wait, how did both of you bitches know before I told you?!”

The question makes them giggle, leaning against each other while they look at Regina with big smiles on their faces. She still has a head rush from the relief she feels; it makes Regina dizzy, turns the smile she echoes back at Gretchen and Karen goofy and wide, her cheeks almost aching.

Karen shrugs. “You’re our friend. We know you.”

“Oh,” Regina breathes. For once, the thought of her friends understanding her, seeing past her façade isn’t terrifying, it’s nice. Regina lets out a shuddering breath. 

Karen and Gretchen share a look, doing that telepathic communication thing they do that Regina has always envied them for. They turn back to Regina and lunge off the bed. With how quickly they moved, Regina was expecting the collision to be hard, but her friends tackle her gently, holding her in a hug that starts to bring all her broken pieces together.

While they can’t see her, she lets one or two tears fall, for once not feeling like it’s a weakness. Regina wraps her arms around them, leaning her head to rest against Gretchen’s. Softly, she says, “Yeah, I love you guys too.”

Good scary, Regina thinks. She likes good scary. 

They pile onto the bed, Karen laid out across Gretchen’s lap while Regina settles against the headboard, cross-legged and holding a pillow in her lap. 

“Sooo,” Gretchen drawls. There’s an expectant note in her voice. “Anyone you have a crush on?”

“You guys already knew I was gay before I did,” Regina snarks. “So why don’t you tell me who I have a crush on?”

She’s mostly joking, but it’s not exactly a surprise when Gretchen says, “You have a crush on Janis, obvi.”

Regina huffs. “I thought I was doing a pretty good job of hiding it.”

“I mean you look at her like you want to eat her so-“

“I do not,” Regina defends. “I look at her totally normally. Like a friend. Who has friend feelings towards her.”

“Regina-” Gretchen starts.

“Fuck, fine. ” Regina buries her face in the pillow she’s holding. “I like Janis. A lot.”

It’s Karen who speaks up this time. “Now try where we can hear you, maybe?”

Regina drops the pillow to give Karen a dirty look. As she does, she realizes it might be nice. She’s never really talked about her crush, and her two best friends are kind of the best people to listen. 

“I like her so much. She’s just so,” Regina sighs (it’s her business if it’s dreamy or not). “And her smile? Just kill me. She’s funny and clever and such an idiot sometimes it’s so cute. And she’s confident and hot without even trying. Like, did you see her last week? When she wore those shorts and –”

Regina stops talking as Gretchen giggles to herself.

“What?”

“I did see that outfit,” Gretchen says. “But more importantly, I saw your reaction to it.”

“What does that mean?”

Gretchen pulls her phone out of her pocket and Regina is hit with a wave of dread. She’s pretty sure she controlled her reaction to seeing Janis, but the way Gretchen is gleefully swiping through pictures makes Regina think she didn’t do as good of a job as she thought. 

Gretchen passes her phone over, a picture open on the screen. Janis is nowhere to be found in the photo, but Regina is front and center. The position of her eyes is telling, gaze low enough that Regina can tell she wasn’t looking at Janis’ face or anything north of her hips. God, that’s mortifying. As much as she hates to admit it, Gretchen was kind of right when she said Regina looks at Janis like she wants to eat her. She looks hungry in an unfamiliar way, biting at her thumbnail as she stares at Janis offscreen.

“Why would you even take a picture of that?” Regina asks. 

Gretchen shrugs. “Ammo for if you didn’t want to admit that you like Janis. Swipe over one, there’s more.”

Of course there is. Gretchen can never let Regina rest.

This one is both better and worse than the first. It’s less…thirsty than the first, but if Regina had any doubt that she has feelings for Janis, her expression in the picture would have obliterated it. 

Janis is blurry in the background, pulling a face. Regina is looking at her like she’s the only person in the world, mouth curved into a soft smile. She remembers that moment – Janis had been teasing Damian about something, the two best friends play-fighting back and forth while everyone else watched on. Even the memory has the edge of Regina’s mouth curling up, a mix of finding Janis cute and simple love for her friends. 

“I didn't realize how much I missed her until I got her back.” Regina finds herself admitting as she passes the phone back to Gretchen. She smiles, a touch melancholy as she says, “I want to be – I never want to lose her again. We’re in a good place now, and I don’t want to ruin that with my feelings.”

“What?” Gretchen squawks, closest to Junior Year Gretchen that Regina has heard in a while. “What does that mean?!”

Regina furrows her brow. Shouldn’t it be obvious? She can’t do anything about this crush. 

“We have too much history. I’ve hurt her too much.” Regina squeezes the pillow, looking anywhere but at her friends. “I’ve hurt her too much for her to ever feel the same way. I don’t deserve her.”

“That’s bullshit! She definitely–”

Gretchen goes quiet as Karen lays a hand on her arm. “Regina, I think you’re being too hard on yourself. She forgives you, right?”

An echo of Janis’ forgiveness – I always forgive you too easily. Forgiveness she hasn’t earned, that Janis hadn’t wanted to give. 

She doesn’t want to burden her friends with it. Better to appease them now and continue on as she has been. She’s been okay so far, and she’ll continue to be.

“You’re right,” she agrees, mustering a smile. “Maybe I do have a chance.”

It’s better if they have the false hope, Regina’s fine carrying the weight of her hopeless crush on her own. 

Gretchen huffs. “Maybe you have a chance. Ridiculous.” 

She gets her phone back out, because she’s Gretchen and she always has some sort of evidence. She searches through it for a moment before stuffing it in Regina’s face. It takes a second for Regina’s eyes to focus, the screen too close to her face to make out most of what’s on the screen. As Regina realizes what the picture is of, her pulse jumps as she looks away, gaze drawn inevitably back to the image a moment later.

“Does this look very platonic to you?” Gretchen questions.

Regina doesn’t respond or take her eyes off the picture. It’s from their last sleepover at Gretchen’s, when they had to share a bed. Regina has to hand it to Gretchen, the composition of the picture is great. The golden light of the morning splashes across the bed, bathing Janis and Regina in the warm light. Janis is on her back in the middle of the bed, Regina curled close to her side, practically on top of her. One of Regina’s hands is, embarrassingly enough, very close to fully cupping one of Janis’ boobs, fingers brushing the underside of it. Regina makes a distressed noise to herself at the sight. It’s not all bad, though. One of Janis’ hands has rucked up Regina’s shirt, fingers spread wide and almost possessive in the center of Regina’s back.

“She was asleep,” Regina reasons. “This doesn’t mean anything.”

“For fuck’s sake–” Gretchen cries before Regina cuts her off. 

“Can we talk about something else, please?”

This conversation hurts too much. It’s been a reminder of how much she likes Janis, of how obvious it is. A reminder of what she’ll never get to have.

Whatever her friends see in her face or hear in her voice is enough to stop them from pushing. Karen starts to ramble about the newest recipe she’s trying to master, and Regina tries to master her breathing.

~~~~~

As Gretchen and Karen are getting ready to leave, the doorbell rings. Regina’s not expecting anyone, but they all shrug and make their way to the front door anyways. It’s not like her mom’s going to answer it. Regina flings the door open, ready to tear down whatever salesman is stupid enough to try to sell her windows, only for the words to die in her throat.

The sight that greets her makes her want to flinch back, even as a smile blooms across her face. She’s still raw from the talk earlier, so seeing Janis at the door sets her off balance. Regina recovers as best she can, leaning against the door frame with her arms crossed as she forces her happy smile into something calmer. 

Janis’ grin falters when she sees Gretchen and Karen behind Regina. She looks down at the container in her hands as if she’s trying to figure something out.

“I don’t think-” she starts to say, looking uncomfortably at the trio.

Karen comes to the rescue, cutting in. “Don’t worry, Janny!”

Regina hides a laugh behind her hand at the face Janis pulls at the nickname. Karen doesn’t seem to notice.

“We were just leaving. I’m taking Gretchen to a movie.”

Janis’ face clears, the smile returning to her face. “Hope you guys have fun, that sounds like a nice date.”

“We will! We’re gonna make out in the back row.”

“Oh!” Janis blinks, thrown off as Karen pulls Gretchen through the doorway past her. “Okay, bye?”

“So, Janny, what brings you here?”

“Don’t you fuckin’ start. Bad enough that I can’t tell Karen no. are you gonna let me in or are we going to stand at your door all day?”

“So sorry, your majesty,” Regina deadpans. “Please, enter my humble home.”

Rolling her eyes, Regina motions Janis inside, not moving from her position against the door frame. Janis brushes by her, giving Regina an exasperated look as she goes by that Regina answers with a smirk. Once Janis is inside, Regina spins, shutting the door behind her as she follows Janis. 

As the door clicks shut, Janis turns back around. “I brought manapua.”

She all but shoves the tupperware into Regina’s arms; Regina barely manages to grab it in time to keep it from falling to the floor. Her mouth is already watering as she holds the plastic tub like it’s precious treasure. The plastic is still warm from the buns inside. 

“I know it was your favorite whenever my mom made it when we were younger.”

Regina smiles at memories of long days ended by warm steamed buns almost as big as her face filled with delicious, savory filling. She can’t want to eat them.

“Thanks, Jan,” she says genuinely. “I’ve missed these.”

Janis shrugs, a bit of red high on her cheeks. “I know you’re probably eating a lot of takeout lately, so I thought you’d appreciate something home cooked.”

She’s talking around the fact that with her mom out of commission, Regina’s left to fend for herself. Regina’s lack of cooking skills is common knowledge at this point, but Janis has the unique position of being the first person to ever experience them. (Regina isn’t sure Janis’ mom ever forgave her for the scorch marks she left on the backsplash of her stove.)

Tilting her head so Janis follows, Regina heads to the kitchen to put away the manapua. She doesn’t give into the urge to open the plastic lid and grab a bun. Janis doesn’t need to see the way Regina is absolutely going to destroy the manapua once she’s gone – Regina kind of wants Janis to like her, and going full caveman on a steam bun is not attractive.

“Mostly, yeah,” she says. “I’m getting good at sandwiches, but I’m pretty sure the Chinese restaurant knows my order by heart by now. Sometimes Karen invites me over, and that’s really nice. I get to be the guinea pig for her new recipes, which means I get fed a lot of good food when she’s in the mood to cook.”

Janis chuckles, making herself very at home and crossing the kitchen to open the fridge. “That must be nice, she’s a beast in the kitchen.”

Regina sucks in a breath, but doesn’t jump forward to close her fridge like she wants to. There are a lot of take out containers in there – not as many as there were, since Regina just cleaned the fridge – enough to still make Regina a bit embarrassed even though Janis obviously knows she’s been ordering in.

“Y’know,” Janis says as she closes the door. “You could just learn to cook.”

Regina rolls her eyes. “Yeah, cause that’s gone so well in the past.”

“You just need someone to walk you through the basics.”

Walking over to the counter, Janis lifts the tote bag that Regina hadn’t noticed her carrying onto the surface and starts unpacking a range of groceries. Regina sees eggs, oat milk, flour, and a bunch of other ingredients. 

“You’re gonna teach me to cook?”

Janis looks at her through her lashes, a bashful expression on her face. If Janis looked at her like that all the time, Regina would do whatever she wants. Already, she can feel her disinterest in cooking fading. 

“If you want?”

“Yeah,” blurts Regina, a little too loud. “Uh, yeah. That’d be fine. Fun. I’ll do my best not to be a bad student.”

God, act more like a spaz why don’t you, Regina berates herself. 

“I’m not as good as Karen, but I know enough to teach you some stuff. We’re going to start with something simple that you can master pretty quickly. A lot of the skills in this dish can be used to make other things, so when you feel ready to branch out, you should be able to.”

She’s talking like–

“Oh my god, are you Queer Eye- ing me?” Regina gapes at Janis, trying to keep the smile off her face. 

Janis lets out a full bodied laugh, throwing her head back. As she calms down, she runs a hand through her hair. Regina tries not to stare at her hands or the soft waves of her hair or the curve of her neck or-

Regina blinks as Janis turns towards her again, hoping it’s not too obvious that she was staring. Janis looks her up and down, her gaze almost a caress Regina can feel. Regina’s just glad she’s wearing something cute. 

“Well, you definitely don’t need any help on the fashion front,” Janis says. She makes eye contact with Regina, something warm and challenging in her gaze. “But I guess I can be your gay cooking guru.” 

Is it hot in here? Regina feels hot, the aftereffects of Janis’ gaze on her making her stomach erupt with butterflies. “Uh, I, yeah. Cooking guru,” she says faintly. Trying to get herself back on track, she asks, “What are we cooking?”

“I was thinking breakfast for dinner.” Given the green light, Janis starts organizing ingredients and pulling out utensils and containers from the drawers and cupboards. “Omelets will be the first thing we make – they’re pretty easy, and they’re high in protein. Which is good now that you’re trying to bulk up.”

“I am not trying to bulk up." What the fuck? Regina thinks. Do I look like a body builder? Is it getting weird? Do I need to stop?

Janis reaches out, hand connecting with Regina’s bicep for a second before she pulls away like she’s been burned. The split-second touch felt electric, Regina’s nostrils flaring as she forces herself not to react. 

“Well, you’re putting on muscle with all the exercise you’re doing. It’s not a bad thing,” she prefaces, giving Regina a look. “Muscles are – well, anyways, protein’s good. And you should know how to make something healthy.”

Regina crosses her arms, leaning against the counter to gain some space to think. She doesn’t want Janis to leave, and she’s scared that if she pushes back, she will. The ingredients are all there, resting on the counter. Janis went to the store for her, spent money to give Regina a probably futile cooking lesson.

“Fine. Protein-full omelet. What else are we making? Cause I know I’m not good at cooking, but I’m almost positive flour doesn’t belong in an omelet.”

“Practically an expert already,” Janis says sarcastically. “You want to take over?”

“No, no. You’re the cooking guru here, please, teach me your endless wisdom.” Regina matches Janis’ sass. 

“We’re making pancakes.”

Regina pokes fun. “What, no protein or carb comments? No telling me what the pancakes are going to do to help me?”

“Pancakes are delicious. Not everything needs to have a reason, G.” Janis rolls her eyes like Regina is the one being ridiculous.

Janis finishes up setting out all the ingredients as Regina watches. She enjoys how comfortable Janis seems, no hesitation when she has to dig through drawers to find a whisk, no checking if it’s okay that she touches anything. 

“We’ll start with chopping,” Janis says, when she deems everything ready.

“Wait wait wait,” Regina says. “You’re starting me out with knife stuff? Shouldn’t we build up to that?”

“You’ll be fine, you big baby. Even my brother can use a knife and he’s seven.”

Janis sets up a cutting board in front of her, placing a couple of mushrooms on it. She hands Regina a knife, grabbing another one for herself.

“I guess a good place to start is with how to hold the knife.”

“I can’t just hold it like this?” Regina raises her arm, hand clenched around the handle.

“You have more control if you hold it like I am.”

Janis turns her hand so Regina can see both sides of the blade and Janis’ hand position better. She’s touching the blade a little, which freaks Regina out. Her fingers are close to the edge, and Regina’s pretty sure if she tried that, she’d end up cutting herself. She tries to mirror the way Janis has her hand anyways, holding the knife up for inspection.

“No, like this.”

Janis puts her knife down and walks over. Carefully, she grabs Regina’s wrist. Goosebumps break out over Regina’s arm, but Janis doesn’t seem to notice. With her other hand, she repositions Regina’s hand until it’s the way she wants.

“Hold it this way, ok?” she says as she drops her hand away from the knife.

Janis hasn’t let go of her wrist. She turns her head to look up at Regina, making sure she heard. Regina had been doing a great job of ignoring the lack of distance between them. Faced with Janis looking up at her, Regina can’t help but let her eyes trace Janis’ features. Regina’s never been so thankful for all the natural light in the kitchen – Janis’ eyes have turned the color of melted chocolate in the sunlight. There’s a small fleck of mascara just under Janis’ eye. As Regina starts to lift her hand to brush it away, the heft of the knife she’s holding brings her back into the moment.

“I got it,” she says firmly.

Janis drops her wrist, thumb lingering against her skin before it falls away. Regina feels bereft without the touch but doesn’t stop Janis from moving away. Janis busies herself with straightening up some of the ingredients before returning her attention to Regina.

“Just slice the mushrooms like you see on pizza and stuff – from the side, not the top.”

Regina actually gets the hang of the whole chopping thing after the first two mushrooms. Maybe this cooking thing isn’t that bad after all.  

~~~~~

Regina takes it back. Her previous opinion about cooking is the only correct one. Cooking sucks.  

She can’t get this freaking egg to pull away from the pan enough so she can fold it like Janis wants. The yellow mass sits smugly in the pan, its edges crumpled and torn from her previous efforts to flip it. Huffing, Regina attempts to wedge the spatula under the egg one more time, only for it to tear as the bottom sticks to the pan.

“Jan, this is impossible.” Her voice is a step away from whiny, and it makes Janis chuckle under her breath. 

“It’s not impossible, you’re just being too rough.”

“I am not!” Regina drops the spatula on the counter. “I’m being gentle. That egg is just evil and it’s out to get me.”

Still laughing, Janis bumps Regina out of the way with her hip and grabs the spatula. In one smooth movement, she slides the spatula under the egg, folding it over itself and flipping it so the ugly edges of Regina’s attempts are hidden from view. She plates it, presenting it to Regina.

“See? Not impossible.”

“I have no idea how you managed to do that, and I hate you for it.”

It’s like –” Janis pauses and looks up at the ceiling as she tries to think of a comparison. Her eyes get wide and she snaps her fingers, smiling at Regina. “It’s like when you put on makeup. You don’t brute force your eyeliner, it’d look like shit. You’ve got to do it in smooth motions. Gently , Gina.”

Gently. Regina can do that.

~~~~~

(Regina cannot do that.)

So, Regina can't make an omelet, but by the end of the cooking adventure, she can make pancakes. They’re a bit lopsided and on the edge of burnt, but she made them by herself. She didn’t even start any fires.

“I think,” Janis says, mouth full. “That we can count this as a success.”

Regina nods, taking a bite of her own food. As she does, something occurs to her. “If you were going to teach me to cook, why did you bring over food?”

Janis freezes, eyes widening. She gulps down the food in her mouth. “I figured you’d missed them, and I wasn’t sure if you’d want to learn to cook. I was being nice. Not everything has ulterior motives”

She’s convincing, but Regina knows her too well. There’s something she’s not saying. Regina can hear it in her voice. Narrowing her eyes, Regina stares Janis down.

“Oh my god,” she gasps. “You didn’t think I could actually cook. You thought I’d fail and brought a backup plan!”

For a second, Janis looks panicked, but Regina must not have hidden her amusement as well as she wanted to, because Janis’ expression smoothes out. 

“Can you blame me? We’ve all seen how you are in the kitchen. I was just being prepared.”

She shrugs and stuffs another bite of pancake in her mouth, eyebrow raised challengingly. Regina is probably setting feminism back or something with how hot she finds the dismissive smugness. (It’s probably fine. Janis is a girl and that makes Regina’s crush like…super feminist or something. Whatever. Janis is hot when she’s confident and Regina is not apologizing for it.)

“Well, I proved you wrong.”

“You did. Everything is edible.” Janis smiles like she’s proud. “You did a good job.”

Regina swallows harshly, fighting against the flush that wants to crawl up her neck and stain her cheeks. 

She looks down her nose at Janis. “My teacher was pretty okay, I guess.”

“Jerk,” Janis says, reaching across the table to push at Regina’s shoulder. “I actually managed to teach you to make something edible. I deserve a trophy. Maybe the Nobel Peace Prize.”

She’s so dumb. Regina wants to kiss her about it. 

It’s getting to the end of summer, the goodbye party Aaron throws for himself a bittersweet reminder. (Regina and Gretchen offered to throw one for him, but he insisted on doing it himself. They grow up so fast.)

The party isn’t big, a couple of his sport friends that Regina is uninterested in getting to know and their normal group. It would be awkward, probably, but Aaron and Gretchen provide enough alcohol to have everyone relaxed, and everyone gets along with Karen, the constant life of the party. 

Like most parties, word gets out and soon Aaron’s house is packed with random kids from school. 

Regina is having a good time hanging out with the former plastics for most of the party. As it always happens, though, it gets to a point where she needs to sit down. Wandering to the living room, her mood brightens when she sees Janis sitting on one of the couches, scrolling on her phone and not paying attention to the chaos around her. 

Regina’s glad the couch isn’t that big. It gives her an excuse to sit next to Janis. Regina flings an arm over the beck of the couch, the motion bringing her even closer. She’s not wrapping an arm around Janis, so it’s fine. And it’s strategic. With her arm like this she can play with Janis’ hair. 

Regina does just that, hand coming off the couch cushion to twirl a strand of hair around her finger.

“Hey there, drunky,” Janis says, turning her head to look at Regina. She’s smiling. Regina likes Janis’ smile. “How you feelin’?”

“Hi,” Regina says, smiling back at Janis. “Good.”

“Looks like you’ve been having fun.” 

Regina nods, head dropping to Janis’ shoulder. She’s comfy. Sitting down feels nice, and leaning against Janis feels even nicer. Why doesn’t Regina sit like this more often? 

Janis laughs, making Regina shake. With her free hand, Regina swats at her, trying to get her to stop moving. It doesn’t help – if anything, it makes the laughter worse. Regina doesn’t fully mind. She’s not sure she’s ever been this close to Janis when she laughs.

“Hey.”

That’s not Janis’ voice. Confused, Regina lifts her head to find one of the sport boys standing in front of the couch, looking at Regina. Can’t he see that she’s busy? Janis is here and who else is going to run their hands through her hair if not Regina? Her schedule is booked and she has no interest in entertaining anyone else.

“What do you want?” she sneers.

He does not get the hint. Guys never do, she mourns. Maybe Janis will. Should I start dropping hints? Good hints, hints that tell Janis I want to be close to her. Will Janis get it? Wait, I’m not supposed to do that for some reason, right? Something about it being bad –

“Aw, don’t be like that, Regina. I just want to talk.”

Oh, yeah. There’s someone here. It’s not just her and Janis.

“And why would I want to talk to you?”

“I don’t know,” he says, smiling – a cocky, condescending expression that gives Regina the ick. “With Aaron all smitten with the new girl and Shane nowhere to be found, I thought you might need some company.”

Ew.

Janis stiffens against Regina. She shifts almost like she wants to get up. Regina’s hand on the back of the couch slides down, cupping where Janis’ neck meets her shoulder, thumb rubbing at the back of her neck so Janis knows Regina doesn’t want her to leave. 

Once she’s still, Regina pulls her arm away, dropping it back to her side so she can push herself upright. She suddenly realizes just how curled around Janis she had been, the position only evident by how much work it takes for her to separate herself. Rolling her shoulders, she glares at the boy.

“What gave you the idea that I’d stoop to your level?” She curls her lip and looks him up and down. Even when she thought she was straight, she would never have gone for him. “Have you looked in the mirror lately? Do I look like I hit my head or lost my ability to see? Get lost.”

“Whatever, bitch.” He stalks away. Good riddance.

Once he’s gone, Regina slumps back against the couch, turning her face back into Janis’ shoulder.

“Boys are dumb,” she mumbles against Janis.

“I need a drink,” Janis says, standing suddenly and almost sending Regina sprawling across the couch. “I’ll be back.”

Regina shrugs, content to wait for Janis to get back. After a few minutes of scrolling on her phone, Regina realizes she’s still alone and gets up to look for Janis. She wanders into the kitchen, finding it empty. Grabbing a drink, she heads out of the room to continue looking. 

She manages to find Janis in one of the other rooms. She’s leaning against the wall, cup in hand, talking to some girl Regina doesn't recognize. Something in her stomach twists. She didn’t think she drank enough to not feel good, and her light floaty drunk feeling starts to turn sour. 

Janis can probably help. Regina walks over, pressing herself against Janis’ back and resting her chin on her shoulder. 

“You disappeared,” she pouts. “And I don’t feel good.”

“Regina,” Janis sighs. It’s not a good noise, and Regina’s pout grows. “I’m in the middle of a conversation here.”

“But, Jan, ” Regina whines. “You said you were coming back. 

Regina gets a good look at the girl Janis was talking to while she waits for Janis to finish huffing and pay attention to Regina and her stomachache. She’s pretty, light brown hair and blue eyes. She’s holding her cup tightly as she looks between Regina and Janis. Regina kind of wants to tell her that she might break the plastic if she keeps doing it, but the other girl distracted Janis and Regina doesn’t feel like being nice to her.

“It’s fine, Janis,” the girl says. “We can talk later.”

She doesn’t say goodbye to Regina, which is rude. What’s worse is the way Janis is stepping away from Regina. Regina doesn’t want that, making an unhappy noise in the back of her throat. Janis just looks at her.

(The good thing is that her stomachache is clearing up.)

“What do you want?”

“Okay, grumps,” Regina says, surprised at Janis’ tone. “I wanted to hang out. We were chilling and you disappeared.”

“You saw that I was talking to someone. Couldn’t you have waited?”

It’s not like that girl was worth her time. Tired of the conversation, Regina grabs Janis’ arm with the hand not holding her drink. She’s going to get more alcohol for Janis, drag her over to their friends, and hopefully clear up whatever bad mood Janis is in.

She gets Janis smiling again in a few minutes, and Regina spends the rest of the night with her friends, not giving the weird girl from earlier another thought.

The next morning, as everyone groans themselves awake, Aaron suggests a movie. No one wants to move much, so it’s pretty easy to get everyone to agree to stay curled up around the basement as Aaron decides what to watch.  Of course they end up watching some dumb gory movie, because her friends are crazy. Nothing like a little horror to start their day off. At least Regina is hung over enough that she’s barely looking at the screen, much less paying enough attention to be bothered by anything happening. She’s happy to sit on the couch between Gretchen, Karen, and Janis while resting her head on a pillow she’s hugging. She still finds herself almost watching, stiffening at some of the scares but managing not to jump. 

“Fuck, she’s so hot,” Janis whispers halfway through the movie, eyes glued to the screen. 

Regina silently agrees. In the moments where she’s been paying attention, she’s been staring at the main character too, something in the back of her mind pinging every time she looks at her. Regina chalks it up to attraction, still getting used to recognizing the feeling in herself, but the niggling feeling doesn’t go away.

The scene changes and suddenly the woman is undressing and –

She looks like–” Regina cuts herself off, but her mind finishes for her. She looks like me.

Soft stomach, fat layered in the same places. The strong curve of her thighs a bit larger  than Regina’s but still familiar and resonant. Her body looks like Regina’s and she’s beautiful. She finally gets what the feeling in the back of mind has been – recognition. Regina’s not sure how to process it. She’s so conditioned to judge herself that being faced with this – someone who is like her being framed as beautiful and desirable with no caveats – is confusing.

Again, Regina knows she’s pretty. Been told enough times that she can’t pretend to know otherwise, despite the constant calorie counting her mother encouraged, or the compliments that disguised cutting remarks on the state of her body. The warring states of her – hot and pretty while also being too big and not quite enough. 

Even with all the working out she’s been doing, toning the soft parts of herself has been an uphill battle. As she stares unblinking at the screen, she starts to consider whether it’s even necessary. 

“Would.” Janis says, watching the woman peel off her bloodstained shirt.

Damian snorts from his spot on one of the armchairs, shaking his head.

Cady wrinkles her nose. “Really? Like that? She looks all icky with the blood and everything.”

Janis shakes her head without looking away from the screen. “This is how I know you’re straight, Caddy.”

Regina is inclined to agree. Sure, it might be vain, but Regina also would. (No one’s ever accused Regina of being humble.)

Regina doesn't pay attention to the rest of the movie, too busy cataloging her flaws and holding them up to standards that don’t seem too important anymore.

Later, once she’s back home, she stands in front of the mirror, stripped down to her underwear as she keeps comparing herself to the woman from the movie. There’s a tentative awe as she starts to feel comfortable in her body for once. 

Unbidden, the memory of Janis’ face when she looked at the actress surfaces. Blatant, raw appreciation that only grew the more skin was revealed. No pause to adjust or judgment at the way she looked. Regina can’t stop the thought of what it might feel like to have that same attention directed towards her. 

Clearing her throat, Regina pulls her clothes on as quickly as she can, banishing all thoughts of Janis from her mind. 

That’s enough of that.

Janis hates cleaning. Regina knows this like she knows Gretchen loves gossip and Karen loves grilled cheese. So seeing Janis at her door one morning, greeting her with a wide smile as she says she’s here to help out, has Regina stunned.

(Her inability to talk might also be influenced by the fact that Janis is dressed more casually than Regina has ever seen her, outside of her pajamas. She’s in biking shorts and a worn, soft looking cropped shirt, ankle socks with little pizzas on them tucked into beat up slides. She’s not wearing makeup and her hair is pulled into a messy half-up half-down bun, a few strands of hair framing her face. She looks pretty and gentle and Regina is definitely staring, not that she can find it in herself to care. Forget cleaning, Regina wants to know if Janis would be interested in curling up on the couch and watching tv while they cuddle.)

Sure, every so often one of her friends will come over to help her out around the house, and she loves them for it. The embarrassment and shame around needing the help has mostly faded, and Regina’s able to enjoy the one-on-one time she gets to spend with everyone.

It’s just that usually it’s Cady, Gretchen, or Karen coming over. So Janis being here is a surprise. 

“Cat got your tongue?” Janis jokes as she ducks past Regina’s motionless form in the doorway. 

“Hi, Janis. Sorry, wasn’t expecting you to come over today.” Regina shuts the door and follows Janis deeper into the house.

“It is cleaning day, right?” Janis’ confidence disappears in an instant, turning around to face Regina with a worried expression on her face. 

“Yes! Sorry, yeah it is,” Regina rushes to confirm. “It’s just – Janis, you hate cleaning.”

“Yeah but I –”  Janis wrinkles her nose and smiles bashfully. “You’re my friend, so I guess I can deal with it for you.”

“I feel so honored,” Regina jokes. “You’re lucky. Today’s pretty much just laundry and vacuuming.”

Janis tosses her bag onto the couch in the living room, facing Regina and leaning against the back of the couch, arms crossed in front of her as she smirks at Regina. (Forget cuddling – Regina’s wondering how Janis might feel about being pinned against the cushions, laid out under Regina.)

“Thank god. I wasn’t actually looking forward to more chores. Not even for you.”

She blushes a moment after she stops speaking. Regina wishes she meant it in the way she wants Janis to, but knows it’s probably just wishful thinking. But Gretchen had said –

“Not even for me?” she pouts, letting herself test the waters by getting closer to Janis, putting a hand on the couch next to her and leaning closer. Not too close – she doesn’t want to make Janis uncomfortable if she’s reading this wrong. She bats her eyelashes. “But Janis, I’m just so grateful for the help. I want you to know how much I appreciate you.”

Janis stares at her, mouth open as her eyes track across Regina’s face. She is silent long enough for the whisper of hope Regina held to die. It’s fine. Nothing different than what she expected. 

“C’mon,” she says, stepping back. “Let’s get started.”

~~~~~

“I’m worried about my mom.” 

The confession comes bubbling out while they’re folding laundry. It’s been something that’s on her mind almost constantly, but that she’s never felt comfortable sharing with her friends. She feels safe here, though, surrounded by the smell of clean laundry and the comforting presence of Janis by her side. 

“It’s never been this bad before. I can barely get her to eat most days. I don’t – I don’t know what to do.”

This is not the first time her mom has spiraled. As a kid when it happened, she was lucky enough to have Janis (and Janis’ parents – who didn’t ask too many questions when Regina was over almost every night for dinner). When she got older, it was simple enough to get takeout or get a friend to invite her over. This is different, though. In the past, her mom snapped out of it after a week or two. It’s been a lot longer than that this time, and her mom shows no signs of getting better. 

Regina stares down at the shirt in her hands, balling up the fabric as she scrunches her face to keep the tears back. As much as she trusts Janis, there’s still something about looking her in the face that would make everything a little too real. 

Janis doesn't say anything, but Regina hears the quiet swish of fabric as she moves. From her peripherals, she watches Janis kneel next to her, hands reaching out and stilling Regina’s as she worries at the shirt. She gently tugs it out of Regina’s hands, placing it on the floor. Both of Janis’ hands cup and hold one of Regina’s as she ducks her head to make eye contact. Regina looks away. Janis squeezes Regina’s hand.

“Look at me, Gina.”

Frowning, Regina does as she asks. “I’m looking at you, happy?”

Janis huffs in exasperation. “You’re lucky I know you get grumpy when you’re–”

“I am not –”

“Regina, let me talk.”

Janis looks at her expectantly until Regina huffs and sits back, crossing her arms over her chest. The touch combined with the soft look on Janis’ face is too much; Regina needs space. (She’s still not used to comforting touches, to people wanting to be close to her. It’s overwhelming on a good day, and her discomfort at her own vulnerability paired with the fact that it’s Janis has Regina inches from withdrawing completely.) 

Janis stays kneeling in front of her.

“You’re a kid. I don’t think you have to know what to do. It shouldn’t be on you to do all this shit.” She laughs harshly. “It shouldn’t be on us, honestly.”

Guilt, crushing and heavy, sweeps through Regina. She knows it’s not her friends’ problem. She should be able to deal with it all on her own. She’s just not strong, not enough to do it herself.

“I’m sorry–”

Janis shakes her head. “No, you’re misunderstanding me. I said that badly, sorry. We don’t mind helping you out, I promise. It’s just not fair that your mom is making you do this shit. You’re not supposed to be taking care of her, it should be the opposite.” 

Janis shrugs. “I don’t have an easy fix for you. I don’t fucking know what to do. I think you give her the info for that support group and hope she goes. Until everything is okay, we’ve got you. You can talk to us and ask us for help.”

“Ugh, you’re so sappy.” Deflection. A bid to get them back to a place where Regina is comfortable.

“And you like me anyways.” Janis says with an easy smile – a split second flash of something like panic in her eyes before her expression returns to that quiet care. 

She means it in a friend way, Regina knows. The panic is a result of Regina’s old efforts to make her feel shame for her sexuality – efforts that worked too well. It makes her heart hurt that Janis is still feeling the effects of that. She knows it’s going to take a while for Janis to heal, but it’s still painful. As penance, as a way to relieve some of the pressure on her heart, Regina lets herself admit it for real anyways. “Yeah, I do.”

Janis sits with her until she’s a bit calmer. When Regina sighs and shifts, Janis reads the cue easily, getting up and taking a step back. 

“Do you want to be alone?” she asks. “I know that was a lot.”

She scrubs a hand down her face. “Yeah. Sorry to, like, kick you out when you came over to help.”

“How dare you. I’ll never recover.” Janis stands, stretching and sighing as her back pops from being hunched over in front of Regina for so long. “I’ll let myself out. You head upstairs and get some rest, okay?”

It’s easy enough to follow Janis’ instructions, and Regina falls into bed, feeling exhausted but a little bit better. 

~~~~~

Regina: janis what the fuck

Janis: what did i do?

Regina: don’t act fucking innocent

Janis: 😇😇😇

i’ve done nothing

no idea what you’re talking about

Regina stares at the pile of twenty little ducks on the bed in front of her. This is definitely Janis’ work – it’s not something that would even cross Gretchen or Karen’s minds. None of her other friends really wander around her house without her. (It’s not that she doesn’t trust them, it’s more that they’re not comfortable yet.) Even more relevant, they’re not pranksters. But Janis is. And Regina has been finding little porcelain ducks all over the house in the most random places. The first one popped up after Janis came over to help with the laundry. Regina should’ve guessed Janis would take the chance to do something ridiculous. 

Regina struggles to hold onto her anger as she thinks about Janis scurrying around her house putting little ducks everywhere she can. She huffs at her own weakness. There’s shit hidden around her house. She should be annoyed, not wanting to smile about it.

Regina: how many are there

Janis reads the message but doesn’t reply. She’s probably sitting around laughing to herself about it. Regina gets the distinct sense that she’ll be finding stupid little ducks around her house for the rest of her life.

Regina: janis

How many are there

Tell me

Janis

I can do this all day

How 

Many

Ducks

Are

Hidden

Around

my

Janis: who knows?

ducks move in mysterious ways

Who knos how they multiply

Regina: knos

Janis: fuck off

Regina: how many ducks janis

Janis: enough

Regina: im going to steal all your left socks.

It’s not her most intimidating threat, and Regina isn’t that great at thinking up pranks the way Janis is. It’ll have to do anyways. 

“Wait,” Aaron says as he looks around the otherwise empty park. It’s becoming the place Regina goes when she wants to have important talks with her friends, apparently. “Is this a one on one hang out? Are we real friends?”

“Gross, don’t get ahead of yourself,” Regina says, smiling and motioning for him to sit. She slides him a coffee. “You know your better half is on her way, I just wanted to talk to you before Gretchen drops her off.”

He slurps loudly at the coffee, eyebrows wiggling above the cup. Sighing as he puts it down, he says, “Sounds serious.”

She gives him an unimpressed look. “You’re an idiot. But yeah. I never really apologized? I was an asshole to you, and I’m glad we’re on good terms now. But I’m sorry.”

He shrugs, that stupid boyish smile that always made her feel better on his face. “I’m over it. But thanks, it means a lot that you’re even bothering to apologize.”

That was kind of all Regina had to talk to him about. She wishes she met with him closer to when Gretchen’s plans with Cady ended, but she had been worried that her apology would not go over well and had factored in extra time in case Aaron wanted to discuss. It’s Aaron – she probably should’ve known he’d forgive her. 

They sit in silence for a few minutes, sipping at their drinks. 

“Why are we meeting Cady? Are you apologizing to her too?”

Regina snorts. “I don’t have anything to apologize to her about.” For once. “I just – there’s something I have to tell you guys.”

He perks up. “Sounds juicy, what is it?”

“What part of telling you both don’t you get?” she rolls her eyes, but smiles afterwards so he knows she’s joking. “You’re so desperate.”

“Just a hint?” he asks, giving her puppy dog eyes. 

His pushing is making her nerves rise. She thought she was prepared for this, but he seems so happy teasing her about her secret. She doesn't want to ruin this good place. 

He’s her ex-boyfriend, she’s got no idea how he’ll react to the knowledge. She wants to enjoy the way things are good between them before she potentially ruins it. 

“I’ll tell you when she gets here.”

Her tone makes him lean back and raise his hands. “Fine, fine. I can be patient.”

The good thing about Aaron is that he’s always able to move on pretty quickly, so it’s practically no time at all before he’s doing his dumb little bits that Regina hates admitting make her laugh. 

When Cady gets there, she says hi to Regina first before rounding the table to sit with Aaron. Regina makes it through the nauseating greeting Cady and Aaron give each other. By the way they fawn over each other, you’d think it’d have been months since they’d seen each other, instead of maybe a day at most.  But she makes it. She endures the straight ridiculousness. 

Although, maybe they should have said hi to each other for longer. Because now they’re both looking at Regina, and she can feel sweat beading along the back of her neck. 

“I recently figured something out and wanted to share it with you both. You’re my friends, and it’s important for me that you know. I don’t want it to change anything between us or anything like that.”

“Whatever it is,” Cady says. “We’re still going to care about you, Regina. Don’t worry about that.”

“I realized that I am attracted to women.” Regina takes a deep breath. This will be the first time she says this next bit out loud. “I’m a lesbian.”

They both just stare at her. Aaron’s eyes are narrowed before the expression clears and he smiles. Surprisingly, Cady’s the one who is harder to read. Her face is blank as she looks at Regina. Hopefully she’s just processing, and Regina’s not going to lose her. 

“Thank you for telling us,” Aaron finally says, when it becomes clear that Cady isn’t going to speak. 

She taps the back of his hand with a finger before going back to cupping her coffee. “I’m sorry for all of it,” Regina says, uncomfortable with apologizing in front of Cady but knowing it’s necessary regardless. “I was scared and confused and I shouldn’t have hurt you the way I did.”

“Like I said earlier, Regina, I got over it. It was shitty, but we’re good now. I forgive you.”

“Thank you for taking it well. I didn’t –” she sighs, frustrated at herself. She can tell him – it’s not the end of the world to be honest. “I didn’t want to hurt you with this. I think we make good friends and I didn’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t get rid of me that easily.” He smiles at her, and it’s easier to ignore the face that Cady still hasn’t said anything. “I can’t say it’s a huge surprise, though. With the way you stare at Janis–”

“What is with everyone and bringing up Janis?” Regina laments. “I don’t act any differently around her!”

Aaron snorts. “Sure you don’t, Regina. Sure you don’t.”

“Ugh, you’re such a dick.”

She’s so relieved he’s not upset.

“But how did you know?” Cady asks. Her sudden entrance back into the conversation makes Regina jump. Regina almost flinches at the question, at the almost accusing tone that Cady’s taken.

“I had been trying to ignore it for almost my whole life, but I just couldn’t anymore.”

“That’s silly,” Cady says. “All women are attracted to other women, that’s–” 

She trails off as she looks between Regina and Aaron. Aaron wears a vaguely confused, surprised look, and Regina’s pretty sure some shade of horror is on her face. (There’s also a detached sort of glee in the back of her mind, because holy shit is Aaron the only straight one in their whole group? But she is not equipped to deal with whatever conversation is about to happen.)

“–Is that not normal?”

“Uh, just so we’re clear, Cady,” Regina says. “I don’t just think women are pretty. I’d like to kiss one; I want to date women.”

“Yeah, that’s a normal feeling,” Cady insists.

“Babe,” Aaron says, quiet and patient. He peeks over Cady’s head at Regina, expression shifting, his eyes going wide and pleading for help.

She mouths, ‘I don’t know,’ at him. She appreciates that he thinks she’d have some way to help in this situation, but she has no fucking clue what to do. He looks back at Cady, scooting over so they’re pressed more together and he can wrap an arm around Cady’s shoulders. 

“Does – is that not something everyone experiences?” Cady’s voice is so small.

Regina reaches across the table, grabbing Cady’s hand. She may not know what to do, but that doesn’t mean she wants her friend sounding like that, feeling so confused and lost that Regina can see her own struggle with her sexuality mirrored in the expressions moving across Cady’s face. 

“It’s okay,” Regina assures her. “You’re okay.”

Cady smiles at her, squeezing her hand. It’s a shaky, delicate thing, a smile so different from the uninhibited ones that usually grace Cady’s face. 

Cady turns to Aaron. “What does – does this – what does this mean for me? For us?”

“Hey, no,” Aaron soothes. “This doesn’t change anything, I promise.”

Regina does not need to be here for their little relationship conversation, holy shit.

“I think this is something you guys need to unpack together,” Regina says out loud, not bothering to keep the stunned expression off her face. When she set out to come out to Cady and Aaron, she didn’t expect to jumpstart Cady’s sexuality crisis.

She stands from the bench, stepping carefully backwards until Aaron looks up and nods at her. She takes the permission for what it is and spins on her heel. Aaron’s probably the only boy she’d leave Cady with in this situation. And she’s happy he’s with Cady – Regina has no goddamn clue how she would navigate that talk. She barely handled her own sexuality crisis. No telling what she’d do if she had to deal with Cady’s too. 

Near the end of the summer, there’s a small music festival. Regina’s been going for years. Mostly filled with local artists, it’s always a nice day out, and this year is only made better by all of Regina’s friends being able to come too.

They stake out an area halfway between the stage and the vendors, surrounded by the sea of blankets and lawn chairs from the other attendees. 

Janis and Karen wander away, telling everyone they’ll be back later. Damian, Cady, and Aaron wander away to grab everyone food, leaving Gretchen and Regina in charge of the blankets. 

Regina leans back on the blanket, enjoying the sun on her face while the music washes over her. 

When Karen and Janis return, Regina thinks that she and Gretchen probably should have watched them a bit closer. Their mouths are stained blue by who knows what kind of sugary sweet they got their hands on. Their eyes are bright and almost manic, sure signs of a sugar high for both of them.

As long as they stay below the level of Karen on caffeine, they should be fine. (There’s no guarantee. As a duo, Karen and Janis are almost uncontrollable.) They wander away from the blankets after enthusiastic hello’s but don’t go too far – Regina and Gretchen can still see them run their energy out.

“How long did Karen do gymnastics?” Regina asks. 

Karen does a messy backbend, falling over a second after she does it, followed by a perfect tumble and a walking handstand. Regina genuinely can’t tell if that means Karen is good at gymnastics or bad. Janis cheers her on, attempting to do a forward roll and…doing a job of it. They’ve managed to find a bit of empty lawn in between all the chairs and blankets spread around the park.

“Like, should we stop them? Do we need to spot them?” Regina continues. 

“She only did it for like a year in sixth grade.” Gretchen’s eyebrows wiggle. “I mean, she definitely kept up some of the skills, if you know what-”

“ Gretchen,” Regina yelps, holding her hands out like that will stop the thoughts. “That is so seriously the last thing I want to think about.”

If she had a sister, she figures that the feeling of horror that she feels would be about the same. She has no interest in thinking about anything her two best friends might be getting into together. 

Gretchen cackles, the evil bitch. 

“I don’t think we need to worry. They’ll be fine.”

As if sensing a challenge, Janis yells, “Regina, look what I can do!”

She proceeds to do the absolute worst cartwheel Regina has ever seen, almost face planting into the dirt at the end. To add insult to injury, Karen effortlessly does a one-handed cartwheel directly afterwards. Janis does not seem to notice or care that she’s been shown up, bouncing on her toes as she cheers Karen on. 

Regina is happy she’s sitting far enough away that Janis shouldn’t be able to see the dopey smile on her face. Janis is so goofy and it’s so cute and Regina can’t believe she likes this ridiculous girl. She watches Karen attempt to teach Janis more gymnastics, resting her chin in her hand. 

“You’re staring,” Gretchen whispers, much closer than Regina expected her to be and making Regina jump. 

“I’m just – I – I’m making sure they don’t hurt themselves.”

“Whatever you say, Regina.” Gretchen takes a loud sip from her drink “I know pining when I see it.”

“I told you, I’m getting over her.”

Gretchen rolls her eyes. Sometimes Regina misses the days when Gretchen was scared of her (she doesn’t. at all). “Yeah, seems like it’s going really well for you.”

~~~~

The rest of the group return, passing out food for everyone. Karen and Janis are still doing their gymnastics, and Damian starts calling out ratings as he eats, everyone else joining in as the girls try to do more and more elaborate tricks. 

When they finally tire themselves out, they return to the blankets, both of them flushed and panting and (thankfully) much calmer. There’s not a ton of space on the blankets, but Regina still doesn’t expect Janis to flop next to her, laying out with her head on Regina’s lap. Not even Karen is sitting this close to Gretchen, and Regina awkwardly looks around the circle of their friends at the annoying, knowing looks on their faces as they glance between Regina’s blush and Janis’ obliviously happy expression.

“Comfy?” Regina asks, going for sassy but mostly landing on shaky.

“Very, thank you.” Janis sounds so pleased with herself. 

Regina’s tempted to shove her off, just to see what she’d do. Smirking, she gives into the urge, cackling at the indignant squawk Janis lets out as she suddenly hits the blanket. In retaliation, Janis shoves at Regina, not quite hard enough to do more than make her gently sway.

“So rude!” Janis says, not bothered enough to stop, apparently, as she just rolls back onto Regina’s lap.

Regina lets it happen and doesn’t look back at her friends. She tried to get Janis off of her, it’s not her fault if Janis didn’t get the hint. She doesn’t want to see the expressions on their faces. This doesn’t mean anything. 

They spend the rest of the afternoon joking around. Janis finally lets Regina rest, sitting up during a particularly impassioned argument with Aaron about some video game. Regina isn’t listening to the particulars, too involved with her own conversation with Cady to notice until Janis is moving. 

She tries to ignore how cold she feels once Janis is gone. Tries not to regret that she didn't run her hands through Janis' hair while she had the chance.

~~~~~

The final band closes out their set with a love song, a cover of something melodic and melancholy that has couples all over the park getting closer, either cuddling on their blankets or swaying together as they stand in the crowd. 

Regina can’t stop her eyes from wandering to Janis. She’s stunned to find Janis already watching her. Janis doesn’t look away, holds Regina’s gaze as the music swells around them. She’s never – Janis has never looked at her like this. Regina doesn’t want her to ever stop. There are traces of sadness around the corners of her eyes, in the slight downturn of her mouth. But her gaze is warm, caring and open and shot through with yearning. Familiar emotions, emotions Regina herself has felt towards Janis. 

Emotions that revive the hope that’s died so many times inside of Regina. Because Janis has never looked at a friend that way. 

Regina’s not sure what expression is on her own face, but she figures it has to be just as sappy. 

She doesn’t think this crush is going anywhere. For once, it doesn’t feel like the end of the world if she doesn’t get over Janis. 

I think I might havе fallen in love / What am I to do?

Chapter Text

“Alright let’s start somewhere easy,” Gretchen says, slightly condescendingly. 

Regina’s not sure if she should be insulted or not based on the tone. It doesn’t really matter though, she’s been obsessing over that moment of eye contact she shared with Janis since it happened two days ago, and if she thinks about it anymore, she might go crazy.

She barely pauses as she paces Gretchen’s room. “Okay.”

“Why were you looking at her?” Gretchen, from where she’s curled up on a chair, presses her hands together like she’s praying, fingertips pressing lightly against her lip as she stares at Regina. 

Coming to a stop, Regina sniffs and puts her hands on her hips, tilting her nose into the air and rolling her eyes as she thinks about her own sappiness. 

“Stupid song made me think about being with Janis.” How doomed it feels. How doomed it feels to not be with her.

Regina’s doing fine. 

“It made me think of our situation and how - I don’t know. It just made me think of her.”

Some things she doesn’t know how to voice. Figures they’re meant just for her.

“So you were looking at her because you have feelings for her, and that song was a reminder of it.”

“Yeah.” Accurate enough.

“So if that’s what you were thinking, isn’t it fair to say Janis might have been thinking something similar?”

“Wouldn’t that be like projecting my feelings onto her?”

Regina jumps as Gretchen grabs a pillow and holds it to her face, a muffled yell emerging from the fabric. Regina’s confused by the reaction. Shouldn’t Gretchen be happy that Regina is finally considering other people’s feelings? Her therapist says it’s an important part of building meaningful relationships.

“I’m so proud of you for taking that into consideration, but let’s just pretend for a moment, okay? What do you think Janis was thinking while she was looking at you like that?”

“She was looking at me like she wanted me too.”

Janis has been working on a portrait series…thing of their friend group lately (Regina still isn’t sure if it’s a series of portraits or one big painting with all of them in it – Janis has been completely tight lipped about the whole thing, not letting anyone know any details beyond the fact that they’re in it). According to the text Regina received earlier that morning, it’s her and Damian’s turn to be painted.

She heads to Janis’ house, dressed nicely with her makeup fully done. No way is she having Janis paint her without looking as good as possible. The jazzy is already parked in front of the garage when Regina gets there, and Regina feels vaguely ridiculous pulling in to park behind it.

She knows Janis and Damian will be in the garage, so she bypasses the front door and opens the door to the garage, not bothering to knock. Janis and Damian are chatting as Janis sets up her easel. They look up as Regina opens the door. Regina’s breath leaves her in a rush as her eyes take Janis in. She looks good - not that she’s ever looked bad to Regina - dressed in comfy painting clothes, if Regina takes the paint-splattered fabric as any indication. Her skin is  paint-streaked, her hair is messy, and the sight of her makes Regina go mushy inside.

“Hey,” Regina says quietly, bringing up a hand to wave before realizing that would be dumb and letting it drop back to her side.

“Hi,” Janis replies, smiling before her face settles back into carefully controlled neutrality. Her eyes flicker quickly over Regina’s outfit, but she’s hard pressed to find any approval or disappointment in her gaze. When did Janis get such a good poker face? (And what happened to the openness of the concert?)

They keep looking at each other. Regina’s searching for any of the emotions that she saw during the song. The air between them feels charged and expectant, but that might just be Regina’s own expectations clouding her perspective. Janis licks at her bottom lip,  inadvertently causing them to break eye contact as Regina’s gaze drops. She recovers a second later, but something almost knowing has taken root in Janis’ eyes, even as it’s joined by an uncertain frown and a cute wrinkle between her brows.

“Hi, I’m also here.” Damian leans into Regina’s eye line. “Are you going to come inside or just hover in the doorway?”

That’s mortifying, holy shit.

Regina snaps her attention to him. Janis rolls her eyes.

“Hi, Damian. How are you doing?”

He gives her a wide smile. “I am doing fabulous.”

Recovering enough from their staring contest to be sarcastic, Janis says, “What? You don’t care how I’m doing?”

Regina laughs, moving to hug Damian and give him an exaggerated, smacking kiss on his cheek. “I just don’t love you like I love Damian, Jan. Don’t be sore about it.”

“Whatever,” Janis says, motioning for them to sit on the couch. “Are you guys ready to do this? You’re the last ones I have to paint before I’m finally done with this piece.”

“Honey, I was made to be a muse,” Damian says dramatically, flinging himself onto the cushions. “And make sure you get the lipstick mark Regina left. I want it recorded for posterity.”

Janis gives them gentle directions until they’re positioned the way she wants. After telling them to keep their heads as still as they can, she moves to the stool in front of her canvas and gets to work. Regina thought it’d be all painting, so she’s surprised when Janis starts lightly sketching on the canvas first. (Despite having grown up with the artist, Regina knows next to nothing about art. Early on, they had figured out that Regina’s talents are not suited for the artistic sphere, no matter how much guidance young Janis tried to give.)

The last time Regina watched Janis paint was years ago. It’s nice to see Janis truly in her element, even more sure of herself than at the face painting booth. She’s more methodical, calmer than she was back when they were kids.

It’s a slow process, Regina learns, getting painted. The good thing is that Regina gets to watch Janis with no interruptions. Janis worries at her bottom lip with her teeth when she’s trying to get something right. Sometimes she’ll go to brush her hair back, only to remember at the last moment that her hands have paint on them. She’ll huffs and tosses her head until the offending lock of hair is moved to a less offensive place.

Cute, Regina marvels.

The bad thing is that Janis consistently looks back, which means Regina has to fight to keep her face neutral. Janis catches her eye at one point, Regina darting her gaze to a neutral point in the garage. Hopefully she looked away fast enough that Janis didn’t think she was staring. 

It’s clear that Damian is used to this, making comments every so often and even pulling out his phone at one point – all without moving his head from the position Janis put them in.

“You look nice,” Damian says to Regina. “Doesn’t Regina look nice, Janis? You always have to tell your muses if they look good.”

Janis turns the faintest pink. “She looks great. You on the other hand,” she trails off, wincing exaggeratedly as she looks at him.

“ Rude. I look hot and you know it.”

“You’re not my cup of tea, but whatever helps you sleep at night, dude.”

Regina tries not to laugh at the offended noise Damian makes, curling her lips in and looking at the ceiling.

“Regina, you’re not supposed to move,” Janis corrects.

“Sorry, sorry.”

Regina tries to move back into position. Janis shakes her head good-naturedly, putting down her pencil.

“Head turned a little more,” she directs. “There you go. And look down a little? Good, just like that.”

The back of Regina’s neck burns and she’s thankful she decided to wear her hair down in loose waves so no one can see it. Luckily, Janis doesn’t make a big deal of it, going back to focusing on the canvas.

“So why didn’t you use pictures or something?” Regina asks after a while, wishing she could see what Janis is sketching.

Janis glances over the canvas, making brief eye contact with Regina. 

“It feels better, I guess? More real in a way. I think I get better results from having the people I’m painting actually present. Maybe it’s something about the dimensions but working from a picture makes everything seem flatter.”

“I’ve never been flat a day in my life,” Damian says. “Not even a picture can contain all this.”

Regina does a good job of laughing without moving out of position. She’s getting the hang of this whole posing thing. 

She doesn’t know how long it takes before Janis is setting her supplies down, twisting on the stool so her back pops. 

“I’ve got the base sketches for both of you,” Janis says.

Regina and Damian instantly leap off the couch, stretching out their stiff muscles from staying still for an extended period of time. Regina’s back cracks, loud enough that both Damian and Janis wince and start to ask if she’s okay. Waving away their concern, she twists again, another series of pops traveling up her spine.

“That’s fucked up,” Janis say, sucking air through her teeth.

Regina shrugs. “Side effect of giving a bus a high speed hug.”

“Are we allowed to see the sketch?” Damian asks, already starting to round the easel.

“No!” Janis cries, herding him away. “No peeking until it’s done, you know that.”

“Ugh, you’re no fun.”

“And you’re a drama queen,” Janis says dryly.  “But anyways, I know your grandma has that doctor’s appointment, so if you’ve gotta head out no worries. G, you can – uh, if you want – it’s okay if you want to hang out, but if you’ve got other plans don’t feel like you have to.”

She’s not going to turn down a chance to hang out with Janis, even if the thought of it makes her nervous and excited in equal measure.

Nonchalantly, she says, “I don’t have anything else going on.”

“Cool,” Janis nods. And keeps nodding. “That’s cool. It’ll be nice to, uh, hang out.”

“I get to watch you paint,” Regina says. “It’ll be like old times.”

“Hopefully without you feeling the need to contribute like you used to.”

Regina gapes at the joke. “Hey! My contributions only improved your art.”

“Keep telling yourself that and maybe one day it’ll be true.”

“So mean to me,” Regina mutters.

She catches Damian looking between her and Janis, a degree of glee on his face. He looks like a kid in a candy store, like seeing them tease each other is the highlight of his week. She wants to roll her eyes. She’s capable of hanging out with Janis on her own. Hopefully he doesn’t make too big a deal about it. She gets her wish, Damian hugging both of them before swanning out the door.

“You mind if I keep working?”

“As long as I don’t have to stay still again, I’m good.”

“Great.” Janis smiles at her. “I’m feeling pretty inspired and I don’t want to lose that.”

Regina remembers the way Janis used to disappear into her projects when they were kids. She’d almost forget to eat sometimes. It’s the one time Janis goes almost completely still, too. Janis is full of energy, always moving in some way. when she’s creating, though, all of that nervous energy dissipates, lost to the focus – to the siren call – of her art.

Regina lies down on the couch, ready to settle in for as long as Janis is feeling inspired. She pulls her phone out, quickly asking if she can put music on before starting one of her calmer playlists. As Janis works, they alternate between listening to the music and chatting lightly. Bouncing from topic to topic, they don’t touch on anything too heavy. It’s almost like they’re both consciously avoiding anything that could mess with the calm, comforting atmosphere that has settled over the garage. That seems to include mentioning the moment at the concert.

Regina can’t decide if she’s more relieved or upset. Either way, it’s not like she can quite manage to bring it up. Each time she gets close, she can’t find the words to ask what it was, if it meant as much to Janis as it did to her. She figures that means it’s best for her to leave it alone.

When she starts getting restless, Regina sits up on the couch, looking around the garage. It's’ been a while since she’s been in here – most of the time they tend to hang out at other people’s houses, since there’s not exactly a ton of room in the garage. (And everyone else’s houses don’t come with parents who hate Regina. Always a bonus.)

She disrupts the silence they’ve fallen into, speaking over the music playing from her phone.

“How often do you play guitar?” Regina asks, eyeing the instrument. Flashes of Janis playing on tiktok run through her mind, dexterous hands making it look easy.

“I try to practice every day if I can,” Janis answers, not looking away from the painting. “But it usually ends up being four-ish times a week.”

Regina gets up and makes her way to the guitar. She doesn’t pick it up, but she presses her fingers to the strings, a pale approximation of the positions she sees Janis makes on the strings when she plays. The strings dig into the tips of her fingers, the smaller ones almost sharp as she presses down.

“It feels like it’d hurt to play that much.”

“Oh yeah, dude, I get wicked calluses. Check it out.”

Janis spins on her stool, hopping off and walking over to Regina. As she walks over, Regina smiles gently at the smudge of paint Janis has managed to streak across her cheek. She extends her hand out for Regina to take. The calluses are evident even before she touches them, the skin a bit flattened and shiny. Cupping the back of Janis’ hand, Regina runs the tips of her fingers over Janis’ palm and fingers. Her hands are soft and paint stained, smooth skin contrasting with the small patches of roughness. The guitar calluses aren’t the only one she has; her palms and the side of her thumb rough from her art, Regina assumes. Regina can’t stop herself from running her fingers along the stretch of Janis’ palm.

She looks up to find Janis watching her, lips slightly parted and eyes darker than they were a second ago. Her breathing is slightly heavier as she stares. The expression on her face is similar to the way she looked at Regina during the concert, but there’s another dimension to it that tugs at Regina, makes her mouth dry. She’s so close to giving into the urge to grasp Janis’ hand tighter, pull her closer in until they’re pressed together. But Janis doesn’t even know she’s gay, and Regina thinks that’s an important first step. (It has nothing to do with the fear that Janis will reject her, despite all signs pointing to Janis wanting something too. Or, at least, that’s what Regina tells herself.) So instead, Regina swallows roughly, lowering their hands until they naturally separate.

“Uh, do they –” she clears her throat, looking down at the guitar so she doesn’t have to watch Janis try to fix her expression into something less wanting. “Do they hurt?”

“Not really. I don’t usually go long enough without playing to lose them. It’s playing without them that’s really a bitch.”

There’s something in Janis’ voice, a hint of raggedness that tells Regina her touch affected Janis too. Maybe Gretchen has a point. Maybe Janis could feel the same. There are too many signs for Regina to fully ignore.

The issue is, beyond the fear of Janis rejecting her if she comes out to her, Regina is scared Janis doesn’t want Regina the same way Regina wants her. Regina is used to being wanted, to being lusted after. Pretty much every guy in school makes no secret of how desirable she is. Regina wants ( needs , her heart corrects) Janis to like her, to want to be with her more than just physically. Regina wants quiet mornings with Janis. She wants fancy dates and relaxing days spent in their pajamas. She wants them to fight, wants the quiet apologies that come after. Everything, anything. As long as Janis is there with her.

The uncertainty of Janis’ feelings makes Regina pull away, too afraid to take that first step.

Beyond what she wants, though, Regina also doesn’t want to ruin what they have. Her feelings always get in the way of them – her obsession with Kyle (which, looking back now, ew ) and her fear of losing her social standing. Emotions that controlled her and ended with her losing Janis. She always messes up. Regina doesn’t want that to happen again.

It’s safer if Janis makes the first move. That way Regina won’t have to worry.

“I can imagine,” she says.

“But yeah,” Janis says, moving back to her canvas. “Tons of practice. It’s fun learning new songs, and I use it as a break from painting or embroidery usually.”

Regina nods and goes back to sitting on the couch. She’s careful not to touch Janis for the rest of the time she’s over, her self-control hanging by a thread. 

Regina stands next to her Jeep, arms crossed as she stares up at the entrance to the school. Regina George is not a little bitch. She refuses to be intimidated by the press of students. (What if they know? What if they can tell just by looking at her how much has changed?)

Janis sidles up next to her. Music plays distantly from the headphones slung around her neck. Her makeup - as it always is on the first day of school - is elaborately done, matching the patchwork jacket she has on. There’s a small embroidery hoop in her left hand, the front facing the ground so all Regina can see is the mess of thread that makes up the back, nothing neat enough for Regina to know what the piece is.

Regina can already feel some of the tension draining from her shoulders. She drove to school alone today, meaning there was plenty of time for her to spiral about what could go wrong today. She knows most of the things running through her head are worst case, nigh on impossible situations, but the knowing doesn’t help the anxiety. The presence of one of her friends does, and Regina’s already feeling a bit more stable.

“Senior year. You ready to rule the school one last time?” She nudges Regina with her shoulder, looking up at her and wrinkling her nose. 

“I think I might like a quiet senior year, actually,” Regina admits. 

Janis sighs and shakes her head. “Ah, the exhausting burden of being Regina George, head bitch in charge of this shithole. I don’t know if your adoring subjects are going to let you step down.”

Regina’s not sure if her ‘adoring subjects’ will give her a choice. So much has changed since the end of last year when Regina fell from her position at the top of the food chain. A summer filled with hanging out with the same six people instead of going to the variety of parties thrown by other kids probably hasn’t helped any. 

Right now, she has no frame of reference as to what to expect. She entered high school acting like she ruled the school, and made sure it was true by the end of the year. She doesn’t know if people will still give her a wide berth this year, or if the fiasco from the end of last year has shunted her to the bottom of the pile. Regina does not enjoy uncertainty.

She’s knocked out of her inspection of the school by Janis knocking into her again with her shoulder. 

“Stop shoving me, art freak.”

“Stop being all doom and gloom, plastic,” Janis throws back. “You’re going to be fine. You’ve got me and everyone else, and it’s not like we’re going to let anything happen. It’s just another school year. Stop being so dramatic. Making a big deal out of nothing ass behavior.”

Even though it did make Regina feel better, she says, “You need to work on your pep talks.”

“Buy my silence for one easy payment of two million bucks.”

“You wish,” Regina snorts. 

She starts heading closer to the school, trusting that Janis will follow her. She’s noticed that Karen and Gretchen have arrived, but haven’t spotted her yet. In their own little beginning of the year ritual, they’re dressed in pink, arms linked as they walk towards the quad. (Regina also has pink on. They may not be The Plastics anymore, but some of their little habits were fun - before Regina got too controlling with them.)

“That’s why I said it. I’m manifesting.”

As Regina knew she would, Janis follows behind her. She’s started working on her embroidery again, fingers quick and light as she pulls thread through the canvas again and again. It’s a bluebird, surprisingly realistic aside from the threads of gold that weave through its feathers and the partially finished background that Regina can’t quite figure out yet. 

“It looks good,” Regina says, tilting her head towards the hoop. 

She loves being taller than Janis. It gives her the distinct pleasure of being able to watch the tips of her ears go pink as she grins at Regina. 

“Thanks.”

By halfway through the second week of school, most of Regina’s nerves have died down. Nothing much has changed from last year – the only thing Regina’s had to get used to so far is the way crowded hallways don’t part for her anymore. Otherwise, things have stayed more or less the same.

Currently, Regina’s head is buried in her locker as she tries to figure out where she dropped her chapstick earlier that morning. She could’ve sworn she left it on the little shelf she hung on the door, but it’s not there and –

“Hey.”

Regina almost hits her head on the top of her locker as she jumps at the voice suddenly coming from her left. Taking a second to breathe, she calmly turns around to find Janis leaning against the lockers next to her. Regina hasn’t seen her yet today – Janis turning down her usual offer for a ride because she had to be in early, leaving Regina and Damian on their own for the drive in. Her arms are crossed, rings glinting in the fluorescent light as her thumb fidgets with one of them. She’s gone with a blue theme to her makeup today, matching it to the shade of her shirt. Her hair falls in relaxed waves around her shoulders.

Regina glances around the crowded hall in an effort to act like she hasn’t just thoroughly checked Janis out.

“ Hi,” she breathes. She keeps talking, hoping she’ll start to sound less gooey at some point. “What’s up? How’d the meeting this morning go?”

“It went well, Ms. Carrera agreed to let me do mixed media for my final.” Janis reaches into her bag and pulls out a notebook, handing it to Regina. “Wanted to return your notes. I still can’t believe you take notes by hand.”

Regina huffs out a laugh as she goes to put her notebook away. That is not the first time she’s heard that comment, and she’s sure it won’t be the last.

“I remember better when I write it out, I don’t know.” She turns her attention back to Janis, finding her looking at Regina, eyebrows drawn together slightly. “What?” She asks, looking down at herself. “Is there something on me?”

Janis shakes her head. “No, it’s just – I like the way your face – your makeup is – did you get dressed in the dark?”

Something is flustering Janis, but that doesn’t mean she gets a free pass. Without missing a beat, Regina snorts and says, “Well at least I didn’t let a goth gnome dress me.”

Janis huffs, that hesitance from before evaporating as a challenging spark enters her gaze. “Oh, and having a unicorn puke on you is better?”

Regina takes a step closer to Janis, smirk on her face. “It’s better than having squirrels do my hair.”

To emphasize her point, she reaches out, tugging at one of the unruly waves that tumbles out of the (frankly beautiful) messy up-do, held back by a patterned headband. As she lets it go, it falls against Janis’ face, almost in her eye. Janis tosses her head to get it out of the way before Regina can reach up and brush it away for her. It’s hard to tell if the feeling in her chest is disappointment or relief.

Janis doesn’t seem to notice how entranced Regina got by her hair. Luckily. 

“At least I did my own makeup – did a two-year old help you out this morning?”

“You’re one to talk. It looks like an art store threw up on your face.”

They’re close, having crept forward with every teasing insult until their faces are inches away. As soon as Regina stops speaking, they both seem to notice how close they’re standing. A frisson of excitement runs up Regina’s spine as she watches Janis quickly glance at her lips. 

The excitement fades a moment later as Janis clears her throat and steps away. She taps her fingers against the metal of the lockers, staring out at the flow of students as they move to their next class. 

Don’t look at them, Regina wants to say. Pay attention to me. Look at me.

“I, er, I just wanted to drop that off for you. I’ve gotta get to PE.”

Swallowing down her disappointment, Regina forces a smile. “Good luck. We did the mile earlier.”

Janis glances at her, mischief all over her face. “You mean everyone else ran the mile while you sat on the bleachers.”

An exaggerated pout on her face, Regina says, “You don’t understand. My cramps are just too painful for me to do the mile.”

Janis studies her for a moment. “I don’t get it. You exercise all the damn time. Why not just do PE?”

“You think I'm going to get sweaty during the school day? As if.”

 She makes Janis laugh, warmth rising in her chest as she watches Janis’ smile. With one last knock of her knuckles against the locker and a small smile thrown Regina’s way, Janis joins the press of students and disappears from Regina’s sight. 

~~~~~

Regina’s picking at the sad fruit salad on her tray, half-listening to Gretchen and Damian talk about the newest release from a band they both like when Janis swings herself onto the bench across from her. She leans forward on her elbows catching Regina’s eyes with a devious smile on her face.

“Did you hear? I’m back to being number one on the Regina George hit list,” Janis says.

“As if you ever left.” Regina jokingly snaps her teeth at Janis. “Better watch your back.”

“Like I wouldn’t hear you coming with those loud ass shoes you insist on wearing.”

“Oh, and those Docs you wear are any better?”

“Now, now, children, let’s behave,” Damian says, apparently distracted from his conversation with Gretchen by their sniping. “No fighting at the lunch table.”

“I think this is some weird flirting actually,” Gretchen pretends to whisper, her voice hushed but still purposefully loud enough that they can hear. 

Regina can feel herself start to blush, and she doesn’t look at Janis, choosing to make an insulted face at Gretchen. Gretchen raises an eyebrow, challenging Regina to say something. 

There’s not much Regina can say. Janis doesn’t try to defend them either. There are a few beats of awkward silence before Damian forces them to move on, pulling them all into a conversation about the new chemistry teacher. 

A few minutes later, Cady sits down next to Regina. “It doesn’t look like you two are fighting. So why is everyone saying you guys are mad at each other again?”

Janis and Regina roll their eyes at the same time.

“Why are people so obsessed with this?” Regina asks. “We were –” she can’t say flirting, even if that’s what it felt like to Regina - especially after Gretchen’s comment. She wonders if Janis felt that way – if Janis meant for it to feel like that. “Teasing each other.”

“Speak for yourself,” Janis says, boot knocking softly against Regina’s shin. “I was totally fighting with you. Public enemy number one: Regina George.”

Regina makes eye contact with Janis for the first time since Gretchen’s comment. Janis smiles softly at her, no trace of discomfort on her face from the earlier awkwardness. Regina smiles back, relieved.

“You’re just sore you lost.”

The smile transforms into a look of incredulity. “I lost?”

“I got the last word.” Regina shrugs innocently. “That means I won.”

“I think I’m winning overall, though,” Janis says. Regina chokes a little before Janis continues. “By the way, G, how many ducks have you found so far?”

Regina narrows her eyes. “Sleep with one eye open, Janis.”

“Joke’s on you. I don’t sleep.”

Regina covers her face with her hands. “I don’t know why you look proud of yourself for that. That’s not a good thing, Jan.”

“Tell that to the hat man.”

Regina doesn’t even know where to start with that.

“Damian, please tell Janis she needs sleep.”

Damian snorts. “I’ve tried. You do something about it. I think she’ll listen to you more than me.”

Raising an eyebrow at Regina, he turns back to his lunch. 

He and Gretchen are being blatant today. Regina’s not sure how she feels about it.

“God, I guess it is contagious. Look at them, weren’t they like boy crazy last year?”

Regina watches Gretchen flinch. It’s barely noticeable, the slightest hunching of her shoulders before she gets control of herself and stops the movement. But Regina catches it. And she burns. Regina makes eye contact with Karen and nods for her to keep going. Regina will catch up once she’s done.

The comment brings back memories that Regina would be happier leaving behind. The feelings, of hurting Janis, of disappointing her friends, of that all-consuming fear, choke Regina. Panic digs its nails into her and claws its way up her spine. Regina hates how familiar it feels. She grits her teeth, forcing those emotions into the burning, protective anger from watching Gretchen flinch. Turning to the girl who spoke, she bares her teeth in a smile. Her friends, or whoever she was talking to, fade into the moving crowd, leaving her all alone.

“Care to say that again? I don’t think I heard you correctly.”

Regina might not be at the top of the food chain anymore, but she spent enough time ruling this school that most of the students still have a healthy fear of her. The girl takes a step back. Regina enjoys the panic that flashes in her eyes. Good. She should be scared of me.

The girl seems to muster some bravery. She stands up straighter, but she still can’t look Regina in the eyes, the fear is still here. “I was just saying that I’m surprised they’re gay now. You know how it is. Plus, what if they, like, get obsessed and creep on you? You were the same way with that loser Janis – shouldn’t their new ‘relationship’ or whatever bother you?”

She got more confident as she spoke, like she remembered Regina’s stance in the past and became sure Regina would be on her side. She’s almost smug as she looks at Regina, the shade of worry still in her eyes but fading.

Regina ‘knows how it is.’ Her skin crawls at the casual way she said it, like she expected Regina to agree with her. And past Regina might have. As always, the reminder of what she’s done hurts. Regina fights to keep her breathing under control, fights back the red-hot anger as it narrows her vision. Not just Gretchen and Karen, but Janis too? She needs to not make a scene. Needs to keep her head enough to get through this.

“You need to watch how you talk about my friends,” Regina growls, a stranglehold on her control. “This whole hater thing you’ve got going on isn’t cute.”

“Just last year you were saying the exact same thing. Don’t act all righteous now.” She’s got a backbone now. How cute.

“Unlike you, I didn’t,” Regina pauses, obviously looking the girl over. “Peak in middle school. What the hell are you wearing?” 

She waves her hand dismissively, a grossed out look on her face.

“Doesn’t matter, I can’t do anything about that tragedy. Thing is, I learned from my mistakes. I’d tell you to try it, but I don’t know if there’s enough going on upstairs for that to be possible. You’re a pathetic bitch who no one cares about. Even your friends didn’t stick around to try to defend you.”

Regina smiles shark-sharp as she watches the girl look over her shoulder, seemingly surprised to find herself standing alone. By the time she turns back to Regina, the smile is gone, the threatening expression back on her face.

“You are nothing in this school, understand? I might not care about ruling this sad little place anymore, but that doesn’t mean I’ve lost my touch. Don’t let me hear you say anything like that again, got it?”

It’s a struggle to keep the smile from returning to her face as she sees tears welling in the girl’s eyes. That backbone she grew didn’t last long at all. 

Sure, Regina’s grown as a person, but she’ll never be nice. Regina’s not going to pretend that watching her mutely nod and retreat down the hall doesn’t feel good.

She can be good to her friends. Everyone else has to earn it. 

“Here,” Damian tosses the box of DVDs onto Regina’s bed. “I brought Janis’ box set of the L Word to watch. Don’t listen to her if she ever tells you she hates this show – she’s seen it through like three times by now.”

“It’s that good?”

Damian snorts as he throws himself onto the bed, wiggling to get comfortable. “Oh hell no. This show is a mess. But it’s, like, required viewing for lesbians, so you kind of just have to muscle through.”

“Wow. After that glowing review, I can’t wait to start.”

“Eh, I think you’ll enjoy it. There’s a lot of drama to keep you entertained.”

Regina narrows her eyes, tilting her head. “I don’t know if it's a good thing that you think I'll like this or not.”

Damian tells her to decide once she’s watched a couple episodes, pulling her onto the bed next to him. Once she’s settled, he turns to her, head on one of his arms as he looks her over.  

“So, before we start, mind telling me why you haven’t come out to Janis yet?”

“How do you know I haven’t?”

Damian gives her a look like she’s just called him stupid. “Do you think something that big could happen in Janis’ life and she wouldn’t tell me?”

Regina picks at a piece of lint on her bedspread, not looking at Damian. 

“I’ll get to it,” Regina promises.

Damian clicks his tongue, looking at her out of the corner of his eye. “You better. This is getting ridiculous. What’s stopping you?”

“I don’t – your reaction –” Regina sighs at her own inability to find the words she needs. “I don’t want her to hate me. You brought up a lot of good points after I told you. I did a lot of shit to Janis and I –”

There’s a quiver in her voice that she can’t quite shake. A combination of thinking about Damian’s reaction and the possibility of Janis’ rejection. She hates that she’s this torn up about it. Her fear is louder than her logic in this case, no amount of justifying is enough to beat back the paralyzing thought of losing Janis. She’s stuck in a cycle, has been since she realized that she’s gay. Fear and elation in equal measure, each one strong enough to overwhelm. 

“I can’t lose her Damian. Not again.”

Damian rubs a hand down his face. “That is the gayest shit I have ever heard. If I wasn’t sure you were a lesbian before, that would have sealed the deal.”

Regina gives him an unimpressed look, but can’t quite help that chuckle that escapes. “Not helpful.”

“Janis is –” Damian shakes his head. “Look. As her best friend, I promise that you have nothing to worry about.”

Regina nods. “Okay.”

“So you’re going to tell her?”

“At some point.”

“Some point soon?”

Regina grabs the DVD box. “How about we watch some of this?”

Damian narrows his eyes. “You’re not off the hook, remember that. You’re lucky I want to know what you think of Shane.”

(Damian’s right. The show is a mess. Regina loves it.)

Regina hears the front door open. Like she has been the last couple of weeks, she puts down what she’s working on - in this case her Stats homework - to make her way to the landing at the top of the stairs. 

“Hi, mom,” she calls, watching her mother put down her purse and keys next to the door. “How’d it go?”

Also like she has been the last couple of weeks, her mom looks up at her, a tentative smile on her face as she answers, eyes ringed pink from crying earlier. “Hi, darling girl. It went well. We talked about reconciling grief or something like that - I’m not all up to date on the lingo. Donna talked about how her husband was in bed for ten minutes.”

“Again?” Regina guffaws. “Does she care about anything else about that man?”

Her mom giggles. “Queen, I could not tell you. I don’t even know anything about the man beyond-”

“The size of him, yes. I also know that about him and I wish I didn’t.”

Regina appreciates that her mom wants to share with her more. For the most part, it feels good being privy to her mom’s healing journey. There are some things that should stay a secret, though. Regina can’t wait for her mom to learn the difference. 

Their laughter trails off, leaving them watching each other in the lingering silence. Her mom leans against the banister at the base of the stairs, looking up at Regina as she sits on the top step, resting her head on her arms.

“Does it feel like it’s helping?” Regina asks, quietly as she can while still being heard.

“I think so,” her mom says. “I – it’s nice to know other people are going through the same thing. Even if some of us cope differently.”

 “I’m glad.”

“Margot invited me to an AA meeting with her.”

And that’s – well, that’s – Regina’s mom probably needs those meetings even more than the grief group meetings. It’s a development Regina didn’t expect. A development she loves.

“That’s good,” Regina says. I’m proud of you, she thinks but can’t quite voice.

“Yeah.” Her mom shifts from foot to foot, eyes darting towards the kitchen. She claps her hands. “Okay, I’m gonna make dinner. I’ll call you when it’s ready. Love you, darling girl.”

Her mom smiles at her, that true smile from Regina’s childhood that she’s starting to see more and more. She doesn’t wait for Regina to respond, disappearing around the corner.

Regina doesn’t move from her perch on the stairs until she hears the clattering of pots and pans in the kitchen.

She doesn’t know why their talks happen the way they do, with them separated by the tall stretch of stairs. Maybe the distance makes everything easier to talk about. Maybe it stops the air from becoming weighed down by everything still unspoken between them. Regina can’t be sure, but she does nothing to bridge the gap.

She wants to give her mom a hug, but she isn’t sure how to navigate getting there. She’s scared it will open a floodgate, clear a way for everything to pour out.

Because Regina is angry. She’s furious about what she had to do to keep her mom even slightly functional. Her mom is still healing, though. Regina doesn’t want to ask about why she lost herself.

She doesn’t want to know why she wasn’t enough to keep her mom present.

If they get close, she’s not sure how she’ll hold it all back.

Shaking the thoughts away, Regina returns to her homework, but the numbers and formulas blur before her eyes as her thoughts spiral out of control.

Her mom loves her.

Even after everything, it is not difficult to believe. Her mom, for all her flaws, loves her.

Sometimes, in quiet moments, Regina considers telling her mom. Thinks about what it would be like to come out to her. She imagines the hug that would follow her whispered confession. It’s painful, the imagining, because Regina can’t be sure of the reality.

Her mother has never been hateful. Vapid and judging, yes, but oddly enough it always feels like her comments come from somewhere positive. (Regina’s not sure she’ll ever understand how her mom works.)

But her father – and Regina hates how his presence still looms and lingers this long after he has left – was hateful. And he was constantly making his thoughts known, no matter how vile. And her mom would just sit there. Would just let him talk. She never even seemed bothered.

If her mom could sit through that without feeling sick, if her mom can miss that man to the point that she shuts down, how can Regina be sure? How can she know that her mom would hug her, accept her? How can she know for sure that her mom won’t react badly?

Her mother loves her.

Isn’t it better not to test the bounds of it?

Regina is waiting for Gretchen and Karen and Gretchen’s locker, looking at her nails when a shadow falls over her. It’s not Gretchen or Karen – too tall to be them, and there’s no lingering scent of Beyonce’s perfume in the air, so it’s not Damian. Her friends – the ones who stay after school on Tuesdays at least – ruled out, Regina looks up, raising an eyebrow as her face settles into a nonplussed expression.

What is it with sport boys and thinking they can bother me? Regina thinks, looking the kid in front of her over. 

From the raggedy mullet and the sprawling bruise across his jaw, Regina would guess he’s on the rugby or hockey team. 

“Is there a reason you’re mouth breathing in my space?”

Instead of leaving like she wants him to, he chuckles like she said something funny and crosses his arms. A transparent, sad attempt to make his muscles look bigger. 

“Aw, don’t be like that, baby. I just want to talk.”

I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. 

“Don’t call me baby, I don’t even know you.”

He smiles like he’s got a chance. “I’m happy to change that. I’m Brent.” His expression shifts to something Regina guesses he thinks is attractive. Mostly, he looks inches away from peeing his pants. “I’d love the chance to take you on a date. Maybe earn the right to call you baby?”

Gross, ew, no thank you. What is it with guys lately thinking they can ask her out? Is she giving off some sort of vibe? How does she stop it?

As much as she’s trying to be a better person, Regina can’t stop the way her lip curls in disgust. “Not interested.”

She starts to look back down, done with the conversation. She has her phone halfway out of her pocket when she realizes that Brent hasn’t left yet. 

“Come on, Regina. Just one chance. Promise I’m not like that meathead Connor.”

Nice to know that the rumor mill is still going strong and letting everyone know Regina’s business. 

“I know how to treat a woman,” he says, all bravado. 

“Let me try this again. I’ll even make it clearer for you since you didn’t get it the first time. No, I don’t want to go out with you.”

“Not even–”

“She said no!”

Gretchen and Karen have finally arrived. Gretchen looks angrily at Brent. The effect is lessened by the way Karen’s arm is wrapped around her shoulders, Gretchen’s hand reaching up so they can hold hands, fingers intertwined. 

“Do you think bears can talk?” Karen asks, apropos of nothing. 

“I just wanted–”

“She. Said. No. Get out of here.”

It’s satisfying to watch the boy be unable to get a full sentence out, Gretchen in full protective chihuahua mode. He tries once more, interrupted this time by Karen’s question of ‘do lollipops have feelings?’ as she studies a lollipop she pulled from who knows where. 

“Forget it. You’re not hot enough to put up with this,” he grunts, walking – no, stomping like a five-year old having a tantrum – away. 

“And you’re not hot enough to have ever had a chance with me,” Regina can’t help but say, tossing her hair as she looks at Karen and Gretchen next to her.

Regina is one of the first ones at the field. There are two other girls – also seniors from the look of them – moving around the field setting up various pieces of equipment. Feeling the urge to start fidgeting, Regina tugs on the hem of her shirt to straighten it instead, standing up to her full height as she walks to the edge of the field.

She sees the moment she’s noticed, both of the seniors’ heads popping up to look her way. A quickly whispered conversation and one of them is jogging her way.

“Regina George?” the girl asks incredulously.

“Yup,” Regina says. “That’s me.”

“And you’re here for the lacrosse club?”

Should Regina be insulted by how much she’s questioning Regina’s presence?

Unable to help herself, Regina rolls her eyes. “No, I’m standing on the field in workout clothes because I wanted to join the school paper.”

The girl snorts, corner of her lip quirking up. “I see you haven’t lost your bite.”

This is probably not the best intro to who is going to potentially be her team captain.

“Sorry.”

The girl waves her off. “Don’t apologize. It was funny. Plus, we need some people with some bite. It’s good on the field.”

 “Yeah,” Regina says. “I’m not exactly lacking in competitive spirit.”

The team captain smiles at that. “Good, that’s what I like to hear. Do you have any  idea what position you’re interested in playing?”

“Uh, not really? Maybe a midfielder, but I’m good with wherever you want to put me.”

She’s trying to work around the fact that she hasn’t exactly really played lacrosse - she’s familiar enough with the broader skills, but the minutiae of the positions escape her. 

“Good thing about this club is we get to figure out where everyone excels before the actual season starts. Coach is really good at that, she can tell where people belong before anyone else. We’ll get you sorted soon enough.”

“That’s good, uh,” Regina hesitates. “Sorry, I never caught your name?”

The girl gives her an odd look. “I’m Tori.”

Regina puts on her best smile. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“We have English together?” Tori says. “And we had History last year. We did a project together.”

Oops.

“Oh.” Regina tries to find words. “Uh, I – I didn’t – ”

“It’s okay,” Tori shrugs. “I don’t exactly expect Regina George to pay attention.”

A fair assessment, but it still stings.

Regina winces. “I’m trying to be better about this stuff. Promise I’ll remember this time,” she jokes.

Tori winks. “You better, rookie. Bad form to not know the captain’s name.”

 Tori tells her to head to the bleachers to wait for the coach and everyone else to arrive. People slowly trickle in as it gets closer to the actual start time. Regina stifles the insecurity that wants pricks at the back of her neck from the weird looks people shoot her as they notice her waiting, but no one challenges her - the opposite happens for the most part, the more seasoned players introducing themselves and welcoming her to the club.

The coach lets the team captains run most of the practice. Thanks to Regina’s prep throughout the summer, the warm up and beginning drills are easy enough. Regina’s almost as good as some of the seasoned players at stick handling, and she’s done enough conditioning that she can run circles around some of the freshmen.

Near the end of practice, the team captains, Tori and Isabella, split the gathered players into two groups for a scrimmage. It’s just to test skill level, but Regina can see the competitiveness on some of the senior players’ faces. The intensity has Regina shifting from foot to foot, twirling her stick in her hands. This is going to be her first real test, a chance to see just how much her practice can apply to an actual game. She’s on Tori’s team, who puts her on midfield just as Regina asked. Tori’s an attacking winger, so she posts up along the same line as Regina.

Just before the game starts, Tori turns to her. “Alright, rookie. Show us what you can do.”

Despite not being the only new player, Regina can already tell the rookie nickname is going to stick.

The game starts, and Regina’s world narrows to figuring out how to play with people instead of by herself. Her goggles dig into her face; the mouth guard feels unwieldy against her teeth. The sensations keep her present, stop her from focusing too much on how well she may or may not be playing.

Jen, the other attacking winger, calls Regina’s name as she whips the ball towards her. Regina adjusts her trajectory in order to catch the pass, pushing herself to run just a bit faster. Out of the corner of her eye, she catches someone start towards her. Steph, Regina vaguely remembers from introductions earlier. Time almost slows as she watches Steph lower her shoulder as she gets close, knocking roughly into Regina as she tries to intercept the pass. Not expecting the force of the hit, Regina’s knocked backwards, almost losing her footing. She manages to catch herself, twisting at the last second and scooping the ball out of the air. She whips it to another teammate before spinning around.

“What the fuck, man?” she questions as she advances on Steph. “What was that?”

Steph sneers, not answering and instead jogging down the field. When Regina goes to follow, a hand grabs her shoulder. Isabella stands behind her. Shaking her head, she directs Regina away from Steph, herding her down the field.

“Just keep playing,” she says. “Don’t let your emotions get in the way. Remember, this is a scrimmage.”

Regina grits her teeth, feeling the mouth guard shift under the pressure of her teeth. It was purposeful, and Regina just has to let it go?

She does as Isabella says, though, forcing Steph to the back of her mind. For the most part. So what if she does as much as she can to make sure Steph doesn't complete a pass or score a goal for the rest of the game? She’s being competitive , being a good player. No one calls her on it, so she sees no reason to stop. 

By the time the scrimmage ends, Regina’s team is winning by six. Regina might give Steph a smug look as the game ends, but no one else catches it. Regina may not have been allowed to retaliate immediately, but as always, she ends up on top.

Regina likes this lacrosse stuff. 

Thank god for free periods, Regina thinks as she dumps most of her stuff into her locker. 

After that last period - a finance elective she needs to graduate - if she has to sit through one more class without a break, her brain may just melt out of her ears. It doesn’t help that all day it’s felt like everyone is staring at her, more than usual at least. She needs no one to perceive her for the next hour or she’s going to turn back into the old Regina and tear the school down around her. Her plan is to hide out at the back of the library and watch something mindless until she feels like a person again. 

That plan is derailed as Gretchen and Janis appear at her elbows and herd her into an empty classroom. 

“Uh, hi guys?” Regina says, not trying to fight against them but not quite cooperating either. “Is there a reason you’re dragging me through the halls?”

“Nothing to worry about,” Gretchen says, high pitched and shaky.

Regina thinks there might be something to worry about.

When they’ve ducked into an empty classroom, Gretchen and Janis let her go and stand at the front, Janis leaning against the teacher’s desk while Gretchen paces back and forth.Regina settles at a desk. They don’t talk, occasionally looking at each other to have some sort of silent conversation before going back to either staring at Regina - Janis - or pacing around like a chihuahua on crack - Gretchen. 

Finally, Regina loses her patience. “Are either of you going to tell me what’s wrong or are we going to sit here and play charades until I figure out what’s going on?’

Janis looks thoughtful. “I mean, with charades we wouldn’t have to-”

Gretchen cuts her off, all annoyance and stress. “We are not playing charades,” she hisses. “What is wrong with you?”

Janis rolls her eyes. “I wouldn’t know how to act it out anyways. Just tell her.”

Gretchen looks at Regina, that wide-eyed apologetic look on her face that always seems to preface bad news. Regina huffs at the sight of it. She could be relaxing in the library right now. Is one day of peace too much to ask?

“So,” Gretchen starts, voice squeaking like a prepubescent boy. “It’s not a huge deal, but it is something we wanted to let you know about before you heard it from someone else. There aren't too many people talking about it, but you know how stuff spreads at school sometimes and-”

Mercifully, Janis cuts in, pushing off the desk and moving to stand besides Gretchen. “Someone’s been spreading a rumor about you being gay,” she says plainly.

Gretchen deflates a bit. “Uh, yes. That.”

Sweat breaks out along Regina’s hairline as her ears start to ring. She looks at the door as if the people talking about her will be waiting at the window, watching to see how she reacts. She’s not ready for people to know. How do they know? 

“It’s – what do – who?” 

Gretchen winces. “We’re not really sure yet.”

“We’ve got an idea though,” Janis adds darkly, glowering at empty space. “Some people are talking about how you rejected Connor at Aaron’s party.”

Regina realizes she’s been clenching her teeth by the way her jaw aches as she opens her mouth to say, “Him? But I wouldn’t even date him if-” Cutting herself off just in time to keep from saying ‘if I was straight, Regina says, “Should I be offended that everyone believes he’s anywhere close to my league?”

She’s forcing herself to make light of the situation, forcing her attention away from the fear trying to take hold. (It’s only partially working.)

“You’re taking this better than we thought,” Gretchen says. 

Regina squints at her, hands clenched in her lap. “I’m seconds away from a breakdown,” she says, deadpan. “Give it a second.”

And like the admission welcomes it in, the fear takes hold, swallowing her down. People know. Or they think they know. And Regina hasn’t prepped for it, hasn’t even considered that was the reason for the whispers and stares in the halls. How long has it been going around?

Regina’s not ready. 

She doesn’t want everything to change just yet.

She doesn’t want the whispered judgements to ruin it before the full joy of who she is has settled in fully. She’s not ready for the opinions on the brightness she’s found in herself. 

She knows what’s whispered behind judging hands, sent through text chains and snaps. Has done enough herself for there to be no question about it. 

She needs to - to - Regina needs to gather herself, each thought changing and fluttering away as she tries to grab them. 

“There it is,” she hears distantly. 

A worried, “Not helpful,” follows behind.

The voices fade out too, simple as a leaf floating away on the breeze of a hurricane.

The rumors, they - how could whoever started them tell? What gave her away? What has she done -

“Regina? Gina? Hey, breathe for me.”

She can’t. Why are her eyes closed? When did -

Hands cup her face and her eyes snap open. Janis is closer than she was a moment ago, perched on the desk in front of Regina and leaning in as she holds Regina’s cheeks.

“Deep breath, okay?”

Regina struggles to comply, air gasping out but struggling to come back in. 

“Slow in, slow out. You’ve got this.”

When she’s gotten herself under control (for the most part), when her thoughts are a little clearer, she looks up at Janis with pleading eyes. 

“I don’t think it’s bad,” she babbles. “To be - to be gay. Please don’t think that. But why can’t they leave me alone? I can’t - it’s just - why do they - I’m not -” 

She’s not ready. Can’t tell if she’ll ever be.

Gretchen comes over, runs a comforting hand over the top of Regina’s head. “We know, Regina.”

Of course Gretchen knows - it’s Janis Regina is thinking about.

“It just -” Regina says before Janis speaks over her.

“It hurts,” she finishes, understanding on her face. “It’s invasive and it feels - it feels like they can see all of you, right?” 

Regina nods. 

“That’s why we wanted to tell you first. Better coming from us than them.”

Janis has a point. Regina does not have the best track record with this kind of thing. 

“We’re trying to find everyone involved,” Gretchen says, like she’s a detective on some case. Or a mob boss trying to find a rat. “We think it started with Connor and that other guy that tried to ask you out.”

Regina snorts. Of course it started with them. Their fragile little egos can’t handle getting rejected.

“We’ll set the record straight,” Janis rushes out. (Haha, straight, a hysterical part of Regina’s mind whispers.) “We - we know it’s not true, you don’t have to worry about that.”

An attempt to reassure. All it does is make Regina’s stomach twist as she makes eye contact with Gretchen, who’s giving her a disapproving look. Regina widens her eyes and shrugs slightly at her. It’s not like Regina can do anything about it now. This is so not the right place to tell Janis. 

“Uh, yeah,” Regina says. “Clear everything up.”

A few more minutes and her head feels less stuffed with cotton. It’s just another rumor. Regina can handle it. She just needs to keep telling herself that and it’ll come true. 

Her friends seem to sense that she’s reached her limit with this. Giving Regina a side hug, Gretchen sits at the desk next to her. Janis slides off the desk to sit on the floor. This seems to remind her of something, and she launches into a story about Cady’s unfortunate first day at school. Regina appreciates the light chatter, Janis and Gretchen supplying story after story until Regina starts participating. 

When they deem her calm enough, Janis stands, brushing off her pants. “I’m technically supposed to be in class. I’m gonna see if I can BS my way into an excused absence. As long as you’re okay?”

Regina smiles at Janis. “Yeah, I’m good. Thank you, Jan.”

“I’ve got your back, fearsome leader.” Janis dorkily salutes and backs up, almost hitting the door before catching herself and spinning out into the hall. 

“Did she just salute?” Gretchen asks. 

“Unfortunately, yes. She did.”

“Whatever I thought your type was, Janis was not it,” Gretchen jokes with a laugh.

“Hey! I-” she tries to protest, but there’s not much she can say. The goofiness has a certain charm to it, and Regina can’t act like it doesn't work on her. “I can’t help it.”

As they leave the classroom, Gretchen quickly scopes out the hall before looking at Regina. 

“Still?” Gretchen hisses. “You still haven’t told her?”

“It hasn’t come up!”

Gretchen sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. “It didn’t ‘come up’ with me and Karen either. You called us over to tell us. Is it that hard to do the same to Janis?”

Yes, obviously it is. Why is Gretchen asking stupid questions?

“I’ll tell her soon.”

“You better. This is getting ridiculous, Regina.”

She’s been talking to Damian. Regina can tell. 

“There’s not a timeline for this stuff!” Regina protests.

Gretchen looks stricken. “I’m not trying to force you out of the closet, Regina. I definitely believe you should come out in your own time. But, Janis deserves to hear it from you. And I don’t know how much longer I can keep Cady and Karen from making some innocent comment that accidentally outs you.”

Regina huffs out a laugh. It’s not like she doesn’t want to tell Janis, so Gretchen’s not pressuring her to do anything she’s not already thinking about. She sobers as she looks up and down the empty hall so she doesn’t have to see Gretchen’s reaction when she says, “I’m scared. I feel like it might mess everything up.”

Gretchen pulls Regina to a stop. “What do you think she’s going to do? What is there to be afraid of?”

“I hurt her because she came out to me. Because I kissed her during a party and felt all those stupid goddamn cliches you hear about in the movies, and I got scared. And now, what, I’m gay too? And she’s supposed to be fine with that despite everything I did in the past?”

Again, just an echo of her conversation with Damian. Regina feels like she should have worked through these issues already. It’s not like she hasn’t been fixated on telling Janis for the past few weeks. It makes her feel stupid, this inability to buck up and just do it. She’s having the same conversations with herself as she does with her friends, but going over the same issue over and over again doesn’t seem to help.

“Do you think she’d be angry with you?” Gretchen asks. “Deep down, under all your other feelings, do you think Janis would reject you for this?

And no, she doesn’t. 

“It’s still intimidating.”

“I think Janis has earned some trust, though, right?”

Ugh. When did Regina’s friends all get so smart?

“Yeah,” Regina groans.

Regina drops Gretchen off at her class, heading to English and wishing she had another free period instead. She still needs time to decompress. 

A few days after the classroom fiasco, the stares start to die down. The judgmental, I-know-something-you-don’t stares at least. The other looks Regina is used to getting, has no trouble handling – from girls who want to be her, still interested in the Queen Bee even fallen from grace as she is, to the guys who can’t control, or don’t bother to control, the way their eyes stick to certain parts of Regina’s body.

A result of Gretchen working her magic, Regina is sure. Or else Janis, tiny but larger than life in her righteous anger, taking care of things her own way. A weight lifted, a weight Regina didn’t have to shoulder on her own. It’s a relief.

It’s the end of the day and Regina is heading towards Janis’ locker, ends of her hair still wet from the quick shower she took after lacrosse. She wants to see if Janis is free.

It feels easier lately, reaching out to Janis. That moment in the park, as much as it had tortured Regina, had also loosened something in her chest, had killed some of the doubt that she carried with her. Her guilt still haunts her, still lets her know that she’ll never deserve to get what she wants. But it’s exhausting constantly denying herself, and so Regina allows herself moments of weakness. Moments to give into the fantasy.

She goes to round the corner that leads to Janis’ locker when she hears Janis’ raised voice. She stops just out of sight, ready to jump in to help if she needs but not wanting to cut in if she doesn’t need to.

“What is wrong with you?” She hears Janis spit. “On what planet would helping some meatheads spread rumors about my friends make me like you?”

The voice that replies is familiar, but Regina can’t quite figure out from where.

“She made your life hell,” whoever it is says. “Regina George doesn’t have friends. She has minions. You used to be smart enough to recognize that. I thought if I – ”

“If you, what, did the same thing to her that she did to me that I would thank you?”

Regina flinches back, acidic bile at the back of her throat.

“I thought you were kinda cool, honestly. But if this is what you’d do in some misguided attempt to, what, help me? Get me to like you? Then you’re not anyone I want to be around.”

“I wanted to –”

It comes to Regina, the memory distorted and alcohol-soaked, where she knows this voice from. The girl from the party. The one Janis was talking to when she disappeared from Regina’s side. Her lip pulls up in a vindictive snarl as she listens to the way Janis talks to her.

“I know what it’s like to be outed,” she says, an undercurrent of pain and fury in her voice. “I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. And Regina’s not even – why would you want anyone to hurt that way? You’re almost crueler than she was.”

Small mercies, all contained in that ‘was’. The past tense that saves Regina’s fragile heart. Regina’s chest warms at Janis’ defense of her. There’s pain in equal measure – Janis didn’t have anyone to protect her when she went through this, when she went through worse. And it was Regina who made sure of it.

Regina will be there for her through everything else from now on. She wants to support Janis when things are hard, wants to be the one she leans on, comes to when she’s hurting. Part of it is making up for the pain she caused, the rest is that all consuming urge to be close to Janis, to protect her and make sure she’s cared for.

Around the corner, their voices go quiet, too quiet for Regina to make out. A few moments pass, Regina straining to her ears to catch even the slightest hint of what’s being said. She catches only the lilting rise and fall of their voices, no words standing out from the hum.

Finally, the girl speaks up and tells Janis, “Good fucking luck.”

Her footsteps are loud in the remaining silence. Regina has to stifle a laugh as she hears Janis mutter, “Vindictive ass bitch” to herself.

Despite wanting to go charging around the corner, Regina waits, not wanting to make it too obvious she was listening in. She gives it until she hears Janis’ locker clang open. Affecting the air of a person who didn’t just hear her crush staunchly defend her, she rounds the corner with a smile.

“Hey!” she says, the slightest bit too giddy. (Her crush – Janis – just stood up for her. Regina is on cloud nine and having trouble controlling it.)

Janis’ head snaps up, startled and the slightest bit scared as she glances around the hall as though the girl is going to pop back up.

“Hey,” she replies. Her voice has the barest quiver, none of the strength from moments ago. “What’s up?”

Regina shrugs. “Just wanted to see if you needed a ride home. Lacrosse ended a little while ago and I know you usually stick around to work in the art studio.”

Janis looks like she’s about to decline.

Regina presses on. “Also, you missed the late bus and it would suck to walk home.”

Janis looks at her phone and groans. “Stupid –” she mutters before meeting Regina’s eyes again. “A ride would be good. Thanks.”

That’s what Regina thought.

“What are friends for?”

As always, the word tastes sour in her mouth, the label too small for what Regina feels.

~~~~~

“I, uh, I heard what you were telling that girl in the hall.” Regina drums her fingers against the steering wheel, thankful that she’s driving so she doesn’t have to look at Janis. “I wanted to say I appreciated what you said. You didn’t have to and –”

“Regina, of course I stuck up for you? You’re my friend, I’m not letting anyone do that kind of shit to you.”

Regina purses her lips, fighting down the sadness that wants to take root in her chest. Her insecurity gets the best of her, mixing in with the memory of what happened in the school hall. “But,” Fuck, her voice still comes out shaky. “Shouldn’t you – I did pretty much the same thing for you. Doesn’t it feel good, in a way?”

“I’m going to ignore the implication that you think I’d enjoy seeing my friend in pain,” Janis grits out. (That wasn’t what Regina meant to imply at all. She’s making a mess of this.) “Even if I did, for some messed up reason, think you deserved it, I know how it feels. I don’t want anyone to have to feel that. No one deserves to be outed. Not that – not that anyone believes the rumors. You don’t have to worry about that.”

(She has to tell Janis. Damian and Gretchen are right - it is getting ridiculous.)

Regina lets out a shaky breath. “I know I’ve said it before, but I really am sorry. I was the worst. I know I haven’t earned your forgiveness yet, but I promise I’ll –”

A hand grabs her out of nowhere, making Regina jump and sending the car swerving for a moment before Regina regains control of herself.

“Janis, what the hell!”

“Regina.” Janis sounds serious. Regina’s not sure what’s going on. “What do you mean earned my forgiveness? Gina, I forgave you a while ago. I’m pretty sure you were there for the conversation even.”

What? But she said –

“You told me you always forgive me too easily. I wanted to be – ” (Be what? Worthy of it? Good enough for Janis? A good enough person that Janis had no more reservations?) “I don’t know. I wanted to feel like I had earned it.”

Regina’s looking at Janis from her peripherals. She reaches out, resting a hand on Regina’s arm for a comforting moment before letting it drop. “I forgive you, okay? You don’t have to earn anything. And-”

Regina watches out of the corner of her eyes as Janis rolls her eyes at herself before squinting out the windshield. She’s chewing at the inside of her cheek, a habit from when they were kids.

“I’m sorry, Regina. I never apologized for the shit I did. For what I got Cady to do.”

Whatever Regina expected, it wasn’t for Janis to apologize. 

“Janis-”

“If you’re going to say I don’t need to apologize, don’t bother. We both know I do. I used every weakness I knew you had to make you hurt. I should’ve apologized earlier.”

It’s not like Regina hasn’t already forgiven Janis. Not like she hasn’t worked through what happened Junior year extensively with her therapist. But hearing Janis actually say sorry, to hear her sound so regretful, heals something that Regina hadn’t realized was still broken. 

“I, uh,” Regina blindly reaches out, flailing until she hits Janis arm. She grabs her, running her hand down her arm until she reaches her hand. “I forgave you for that a while ago. But thank you. It means a lot.”

Wanting to lighten the mood, Regina squeezes Janis’ hand before returning her own to the wheel. “Now we’re both forgiven and we don’t have to talk about it anymore ever.”

Janis laughs. “Sounds good.”

A few minutes later, Janis finally notices that Regina is going in the complete wrong direction to get to her house. “This isn’t the way to my house.”

“Good point, Sherlock. Any more brilliant deductions?”

“Where are we going?”

“Mine. I want to hang out.”

“You could’ve asked?”

“That’s less fun. Also, how the hell did it take you this long to realize? We passed your turn like ten minutes ago.”

“I’m a passenger princess,” Janis says haughtily, sticking her nose in the air. “I don’t need to pay attention to where we’re going.”

“It’s a wonder you’ve never been kidnapped.”

“Hey!”

The rest of the drive is quiet, music (Regina’s - Janis is still banned from that stunt she pulled with Crazy Frog, despite her protests) playing quietly through the speakers. 

~~~~~

“I have some ideas about how we can kill the rumors,” Janis says as they make their way to Regina’s room. “Gretchen fixed most of it, but if you really don’t want anyone questioning it, we could–”

“I don’t want to think about that right now,” Regina says. She does not want to know what kind of weird straight behavior Janis has thought up. 

Once they’re in her room, Regina realizes she’s not sure where to start. With the rest of her friends, all of her planned speeches had been waylaid by her decision to just blurt out that she’s gay. She hadn’t bothered planning for Janis after that, but now she wishes she had. She has no idea what to say.

She sits in the middle of her bed, watching as Janis wanders around her room, poking at the new photos from the summer hung around the room.

“How did you know you were a lesbian?”

The question makes Janis jump, looking at Regina in confusion. “Where did that come from?”

“I was just – it’s been on my mind that – I wanted to know what it – I’ve been meaning to tell –” Regina huffs. “I’ve been feeling –”

Janis studies her, eyes tracking over her face as Regina struggles not to throw her walls up. She wants to be vulnerable here, needs to be so Janis understands. Janis moves to the bed, sitting on the edge and half facing Regina.

There’s something fragile in Janis’ voice when she says, “You’re asking because-?”

She trails off, but Regina knows what she means anyways, is thankful that Janis understands her enough to know what she’s trying to say.

“Yeah,” she says, breathless from the admission.

“Oh.”

Janis just keeps staring at her. Regina tries not to fidget. She wants to give Janis time to process, time to adjust. Janis is unreadable, though, and it’s making Regina nervous.

“I just – ” she starts at the same moment Janis speaks.

“And you’re – you – you’re sure?”

She sounds so uncertain, almost scared. As much trust as they’ve managed to build between them, Regina’s not sure if they’ll ever be over what Regina did.

“I wouldn’t play about this,” Regina says, qualifying it with, “Not now.”

Not with how much she’s grown, how much she’s learned, how much she regrets.

Regina, as much as she enjoys her friends’ casual touches, is still not one to initiate them most of the time. Seeing Janis look so fragile, Regina reaches out to her. The gap between them is half a foot at most, but it seems like miles. Regina takes the journey anyways, grabbing Janis’ hand in her own.

Janis’ thumb swipes over the back of her hand and butterflies erupt, a menagerie of nerves pulling her to Janis. Now is not the time though, so Regina tries to push them down. It doesn’t work, and she just hopes she doesn’t look too flustered. 

“So you like girls?” Janis asks, making it plain, making sure there can be no miscommunication. She looks up at Regina through her lashes, shoulders bent in a bit as if she’s bracing for something. 

There’s something in her voice, something that almost sounds like hope. Maybe they have a chance, even though Regina’s still worried that she’s forcing her feelings onto Janis.

Regina smiles, ducking her head a bit to fully catch Janis’ eyes. The question loosened something in her chest. She’s actually telling Janis. It hardly feels real, and it’s going better than Regina ever hoped. Regina is so happy she’s finally being honest, finally letting Janis in after spending so long scared to tell her.

“Yeah, I mean, they’re pretty great, right?”

She wants to get rid of the heaviness of the moment. Wants to celebrate with her friend about this and she can’t do that if Janis is half a second from running. The comment makes a smile break over Janis’ face and Regina can barely stop the dreamy sigh that wants to escape as she looks at her.

“They really are.”

Please be talking about me, Regina can’t help but think. Please think I’m great. Please want me please want me please want me like I want you.

Janis’ thumb brushes against her skin again, making Regina realize they’re still holding hands. She doesn’t quite jerk herself away, but she does disengage, not wanting to make Janis uncomfortable in any way.

She drops back onto her bed, throwing her arms out beside her as she lets out a relieved breath. “Glad that’s over with,” she says with a small laugh.

Janis snorts, shifting so she’s perpendicular to Regina’s body so she can lie back and rest her head on Regina’s stomach. “Nervous?”

“You have no idea. You were for sure the hardest person to tell.”

“Wait a minute!” Janis sits bolt upright, looking over her shoulder at Regina, an insulted expression on her face. Regina mourns the loss of her comforting weight.  “You told everyone else?” 

Half smiling half wincing, Regina shrugs. “Maybe?”

“I can’t believe this.” Janis flops back down, making the breath whoosh out of Regina. “I was going to rub it in Damian’s face that I had a secret about you I couldn’t tell him. Now he’s going to be insufferable.”

Regina brings a hand down to run through Janis’ hair, moving slowly to give Janis a chance to push her away if she’s not comfortable with Regina touching her this way. Janis doesn’t stop her, and Regina revels in the feeling of soft hair against her fingers, letting her nails scratch gently against Janis’ scalp. Her face flushes when Janis lets out a satisfied groan and settles deeper against Regina.

Regina’s just happy Janis can’t see the expression on her face.

She’s happy she can’t tell what expression is on her own face, it’s probably embarrassing.

“Sorry to burst your bubble, babe,” Regina says, the pet name slipping out without her meaning it to. she keeps going, trying not to draw attention to it. “You’re kind of the last to know.”

It doesn’t seem like Janis noticed her slip. “Unbelievable. I can’t believe you told everyone else before me! They’re all so bad at keeping secrets!”

“Not when it counts, I guess,” Regina says quietly.

Janis grunts in acceptance. “That’s true. But still.”

“You’ll get over it, you big baby.”

“How long have you known? How much time have I lost introducing you to gay culture? We could’ve been gay bonding this whole time! What actresses do you like? Has anyone introduced you to - wait, considering our friends’ tastes, probably not. I’ll have to introduce you to good gay music. Do you-” The excited rambling slows, the last question coming out almost hesitant. “Do you have a crush?”

Regina avoids the question. “You just threw a lot at me. How about we start your ‘gay bonding’ or whatever now and not think about the fact that you won’t be the first person to introduce me to The L Word.”

“I can’t believe someone else took your L Word virginity. Was it Damian? That bitch knows that should be my job as the resident lesbian. I’ll have to show you other shows. There are better ones out there anyways.”

Regina’s kind of obsessed with how excited Janis is about all this. It’s the best outcome she could hope for. (Other than her absent daydreams where she tells Janis and Janis kisses her. But she figured that wouldn’t happen anyways, despite the tiniest bit of disappointment she feels.)

Chapter Text

As the rhythm of school slowly takes over everyone’s lives, Regina finds that she’s more comfortable in the not-so-hallowed halls of North Shore than she has ever been before. Part of that is because of her friends. They make it easier to not care about everyone else at school (not that the weird pressure, the drive, to be popular and liked and feared, even, is gone, but watching Karen and Damian race to braid spaghetti noodles in the middle of the lunchroom without caring who’s staring at them does make it feel less important). The other part is, surprisingly, because of the lacrosse team.

It's been nice, making friends with people she doesn’t have an intense history with. Although, with how Regina used to be, there’s not exactly anyone in the school she hasn’t affected at least tangentially. But the lacrosse players don’t seem to care – the ones she hangs out with at least. With Tori at the helm, most of the people on the team have pulled her headfirst into the world of team-based friendships.

There’s also the subsection led by Stephanie. (Regina’s started refusing to call her by Steph, even though – or maybe because of, Regina’s not above being petty – Stephanie twitches every time she uses her full name.) It’s about five players, mostly seniors and juniors, who are unwilling to let Regina live down her past actions. Or they just don’t like her. Either way, Regina tends to stay out of their way. She doesn’t want unnecessary drama – that’s so last year.

Stephanie and her cronies aside, Regina is having a good year. Tori asked if Regina would like to sit with everyone at lunch, and Regina’s startled to realize that it’s her first time being invited to sit with someone instead of the other way around (not that the Plastics invited many people to sit with them).

Regina stops by her usual table on the way to the jock table at the back of the cafeteria where Bella is already waving her over. Karen, Damian, and Gretchen are already eating, the three of them talking almost too quickly for Regina to keep up with as she walks up. Coming to stand behind Karen, she gives into the affectionate part of herself and bends down, pressing a quick kiss to the crown of her head. The conversation pauses as Gretchen and Karen smile at her.

“I’m going to sit with the lacrosse team today. Don’t miss me too much.”

While Karen pouts, Damian doesn’t even bother looking up from where he’s reconstructing his ham and cheese sandwich. “Oh no, however will we survive without you for thirty whole minutes,” he deadpans.

Regina reaches across the table and flicks his forehead. “Just for that, I won’t ask Alicia if any of the rugby boys are queer. Her brother’s on the team so she has all the tea.”

“Rugby boys?” Damian’s head snaps up. “What I actually meant is that I can’t go on without you and I don’t know how I’ll make it through this lunch if you’re not by my side.”

“Good try,” Regina says as she walks away. “It’s too late, though.”

She can hear Damian pleading with her as she walks away and smiles to herself. She’ll talk to Alicia, of course. It’s just fun to let Damian think she won’t.

Regina’s lucky. Bella is sitting at the other end of the table from Stephanie and her friends, which means Regina doesn’t have to think about handling whatever comments they would inevitably say to her. Instead, she gets pulled into a conversation with Bella and Alicia on the best way to tape up a stick. (Regina has no preference, she barely knew there were different ways.)

She looks up to smile at Tori, who slips into the space next to Regina, their hips knocking together as she slides across the bench. As she’s looking up, she notices Janis looking towards the table. Before Regina can do much more than start to acknowledge her, Janis is looking away. Regina frowns slightly, but she can’t dwell on it much as Bella leans onto the table and starts discussing the pros and cons of getting highlights. Tori gripes good-naturedly at the ‘girly’ topic, but still ends up in a passionate argument about the apparent upsides to highlights. Regina’s just happy that sitting with the team doesn’t mean that she has to talk about sports or exercise or whatever other boring shit athletes talk about.

~~~~~

“So that’s why we call the play Hot Cross Buns,” Tori finishes.

“I’m gonna be honest with you, Cap. You’re going to need to give me the whole playbook if you expect me to remember it,” Regina says, hefting her bag a bit on her shoulder as a kid brushes past her. “I remember maybe three of the plays you just explained, and even then it’s just because you gave them goofy ass names.”

Looking away from Tori, Regina’s surprised that they’re approaching her next class. She hadn’t realized that they had walked so far as they chatted after English.

As they continue down the hall, Tori says, “You’ve gotta earn the playbook, rookie. If you make it on the team this spring, then you’ll be given all our secret plays.”

Regina stops at the door to her classroom, Tori noticing a moment later and stopping to lean on the other side of the door frame, arms crossed. Glancing inside, Regina sees that Janis is already seated, looking up just in time to notice Regina. She sends Janis a small smile, wiggling her fingers in a wave before turning back to Tori.

“If I make the team?” Regina huffs derisively, shaking her head. “I know I’m going to make the team. I think it’d be better for both of us if you just give me the playbook now.”

Tori laughs. “There’s that Regina George confidence. Still have to wait, though.” She juts her chin towards the classroom, saying, “I’ll see you later. Enjoy class.”

Regina raises an eyebrow. The only good thing about this class is that Janis is also taking it. “As if. Now get out of here before you’re late.”

Tori says goodbye and Regina goes inside, a content smile on her face. Having friends is much better than ruling the school out of fear. She likes getting to know the lacrosse team, and Tori’s been great. Regina really feels like she’s getting the hang of this whole new friends thing.

“What was that about?” Janis asks as Regina sits at the desk next to her.

Regina sits sideways so she can face Janis, elbow on the desk so she can rest her head in her hand. Janis doesn’t move, facing forward as her eyes track across the classroom.

“Eh, nothing much,” Regina says, shrugging. “I have English with Tori, and we were talking lacrosse stuff in class. I’m trying to get her to give me the playbook so I can practice.”

Janis grunts, brows furrowed as she looks down at the embroidery hoop on her desk. She doesn’t ask any further questions. Regina gets it. Janis has never been into sports, and she can’t imagine hearing Regina talk about lacrosse over and over has been very interesting for her.

“How’s your art been going?” Regina asks in an attempt to change the subject. “You’re working on that mid-semester final project, right?”

“Yeah, it’s going fine,” is all Janis says.

She’s not usually so reticent about her art, especially not when Regina asks. Regina loves listening to Janis talk about her art, even though she only understands about half of what Janis is talking about once she starts getting into art theory. Janis never minds, though, says explaining certain terms to Regina gives her a further understanding of the things she’s learning in class. Getting one sentence out of her like this is odd.

“You were working on rendering or something, right?”

Maybe that’s the bit that’s giving her trouble. Janis is very much a physical art person – or whatever it’s actually called. Despite the embroidery hoop being out, Regina knows that’s not one of the components of her project. From the look of it, Janis is just using it to practice certain stitches anyways. Her teacher is making the class do a digital art component to this final, and from what Janis has said before, that’s been her main focus lately.

“Nah, I’m pretty much done with that.”

Regina is starting to get the message. Janis is not in the mood to talk right now. Nodding to herself, Regina twists in her chair to face the front of the room, pulling out her phone to wait out the last couple minutes before class starts. She’ll have to ask Damian how the art project is going – she doesn’t want to bring it up again if it isn’t going well, doesn’t want to make Janis upset, and he should have any insider information that Regina doesn’t.

~~~~~

The rest of the day passes without issue, though calculus, Regina’s last class of the day, was long. She’ll need Cady to explain, well, most everything that they went over if she’s going to have any hope of passing the next test. What even is a chain rule? Hopefully Cady has some sort of rhyme or simple example to help explain, because Regina’s head is still swimming.

Regina’s just glad it’s over.

After she dumps her school stuff in her locker, she heads to meet up with Gretchen and Damian. They made plans to go shopping after school, and Regina is looking forward to the chance to turn her brain off. Gretchen needs a new outfit for a date she’s taking Karen on, and both Damian and Regina jumped at the chance to help her pick it out. (Cady and Janis had looked at each other and rolled their eyes. Neither of them understand the therapeutic nature of shopping.)

She approaches Damian’s locker, watching as they notice her. Watching as Gretchen taps Damian’s arm and widens her eyes like she wants him to shut up. Regina narrows her eyes suspiciously. By the time she reaches them, they’re in the middle of what sounds like a discussion on the newest matches in Love is Blind.

“What was that about?” she asks, referring to the weird behavior as she walked up.

“We were talking about Love Island,” Damian says, rubbing at the back of his neck.

“So why’d you change the subject?” Regina challenges, still suspicious.

“You can’t know any spoilers, Regina, you know this,” Gretchen says, always more concerned about spoilers than Regina is.

Satisfied that the two weren’t plotting anything – they’ve been suspiciously quiet about her and Janis, and it’s got Regina worried – Regina accepts the explanation.

“You know I don’t care about spoilers, Gretchen.”

“Still! It’s fun to see your reactions when we finally watch it together.”

Gretchen is more of a watch weekly person, while Regina prefers to binge her shows. Mostly, this just results in Gretchen constantly pushing at Regina and telling her to ‘pay attention’ as she actively distracts Regina from the screen.

“Whatever,” Regina says. “Come on, I need retail therapy after calculus today.”

They head towards her car. The halls are rapidly clearing out, but the trio still gets the occasional odd look. Even this far into the school year, there are some people still adjusting to the fact that Regina hangs out with the art freaks instead of just with the former plastics. The stares make Regina straighten, even as she pretends that she doesn’t notice them.

It’s a relief when they’re in the car and Regina can let go of that tension. She lets Gretchen plug her phone into the aux cable – Gretchen’s old iPhone the only reason Regina still keeps the cord in her car. Soft indie music plays from the speakers as she pulls out of the parking lot and starts heading towards the mall.

A couple minutes into the drive, Regina interrupts Gretchen and Damian’s rendition of a song she doesn’t know to ask, “How’s Janis’ final going, Damian? I asked her about it, and she was being cagey, so I wanted to make sure I wasn’t like touching on a sore subject.”

She watches him frown in the rear view mirror. “As far as I know, it’s going fine. Great even. She figured out a hack with her art program to make something easier, so she’s doing great.”

Something sours in Regina’s gut. So it was something about her, then. Nothing to do with Janis’ art.

“Oh, okay. Maybe it was something else.”

Gretchen pipes up a second later, asking Damian about different styles of pants or something and taking the attention off of Regina. Regina isn’t really paying attention, mind focused on what could have upset Janis. She spends the whole shopping trip forcing her mind away from Janis’ behavior, any stress about calculus long forgotten.

After practice Thursday, while Regina is tugging off her cleats, Tori walks up from where she’s been talking to a few of the other players. She pushes her hair back from her face, the sweat making her short hair stick straight up. It makes Regina smile to herself as she looks at Tori, waiting for her to talk.

“So I’m throwing a party this weekend,” she says. “I wanted to know if you could come?”

It’s been a while since Regina went to a party, and between dealing with her mom, school, and handling her feelings for Janis, the opportunity to let loose sounds great.

“Sure,” Regina says. “Who’s coming?”

“It’s mostly for the lacrosse squad, but bring whoever you want. The more the merrier, honestly.”

Tori looks happy that Regina can come. She’s not used to anyone other than her friends having that reaction to her. Smiling back at her, Regina makes sure it’s okay for her to bring everyone and gets Tori to text her the details.

~~~~~

Regina brings the party up during lunch on Friday. “So Tori invited us all to a party on Saturday. Well, she invited me and said I could bring whoever I want, so who’s up for a party?”

Janis gets a weird look on her face at the mention of the lacrosse player, grumpy dislike shadowing her face for a moment. Regina isn’t sure what’s making Janis react that way – as far as she knows, Tori and Janis have never interacted. Maybe it’s because she’s a jock?

“Don’t worry,” Regina assures, mostly talking to Janis but addressing the whole table so it’s not obvious. “She’s cool. Plus, athletics parties always go hard, so it’s not like we’ll be bored.”

“Before I agree,” Damian says, holding a hand up. “Is the rugby team going to be there? I need eye candy and your lacrosse girlies just don’t cut it.”

Regina shakes her head and laughs at Damian’s question. “I’m sure there will be plenty of jocks there for you to ogle, Damian, don’t worry about it.”

“Well then count me in.”

Everyone else agrees, Gretchen and Karen already planning their outfits. Janis is the last to agree, less excited than everyone else. Regina frowns slightly but doesn’t press the issue. Of all their friends, Janis is the least likely to be forced into something she doesn’t want to do, so Regina’s comfortable taking her at her word.

The party is good. It’s filled with a few too many jock boys for Regina to be completely comfortable, but hanging out with Janis and her friends at least makes it better. Almost two hours in, though, and Karen has pulled Janis away for some reason or another, leaving Regina to her own devices. She’s not too pressed about being left alone – she’s had a few drinks and is enjoying the tipsy feeling as she walks through the party. She notices Tori across the room and makes her way over.

Tori’s on the stairs leading to the upper floor, arms crossed against the banister as she rests her head on her hands and smiles at Regina. “First lacrosse party, rookie. How you likin’ it?”

Regina runs a hand through her hair. Rolls her eyes. “It’s like any other high school party, Cap. Sorry your sports party isn’t blowing my mind.”

Tori reels back like she’s been shot, hands going dramatically to her chest. “I’m hurt. Pulled out all the stops and I still couldn’t impress her majesty Regina.”

Regina laughs at the over-the-top reaction. “Yeah, unfortunately it takes more than shitty beer and a lava lamp to impress me.”

“I happen to think the lava lamp is the life of the party.” Tori gets a calculating look on her face as she leans against the banister once more, this time in a way that makes the strong muscles of her forearms pop. “But hey, say the word and I’m pretty sure I can find some way to impress you.”

Did she just –

Is she flirting?

The realization makes Regina flush; she can feel it prickling against her skin. It’s not like the boys who approached her. There’s no uncomfortable disgust squeezing her gut. It’s not unpleasant – honestly, it’s flattering. Tori looks at her earnestly, her almost handsome face open and interested. It’s not like she’s unattractive, Regina might even be into her, receptive to her advances, if it weren’t for extenuating circumstances. Either way, though, it’s not like Regina’s interested, what with her near debilitating focus on Janis these days. To fill the expectant silence, Regina lets out a light laugh. Internally, she scrambles to find a way to let Tori down easy. She likes Tori. She doesn’t want to ruin their friendship over this or brush her off like she would a guy.

Luckily, she doesn’t have to. An arm slips around her waist. Regina jumps and looks down. The hand gently cupping her hip is familiar in a way that makes Regina’s heart trip. Chipped black nail polish and a wealth of silver rings against tan skin stand out in stark relief against the backdrop of Regina’s exposed torso. (She’s never been so happy to have worn a crop top.)

Regina looks away from the hand to look at Janis’ face. Her eyes are hooded, cheeks flushed. Sure signs that she’s had plenty to drink. Regina feels a smile stretch across her face.

“I’ve – ” The hand on Regina’s hip flexes as Janis hesitates and tries to gather her thoughts. “Damian and I were looking for you. Game downstairs.”

Regina’s eyes track over Janis’ face. She keeps looking from Regina and away when she should just be looking at Regina. What else is there to look at, especially when whatever she’s glancing at makes a little unhappy wrinkle appear between her eyebrows? Regina bites lightly at her bottom lip, finding the expression cute and wanting to stifle her reaction to it. She’s satisfied when the action also focuses all of Janis’ attention solely on her.

She tilts her head, leaning slightly closer. “What game?”

Janis pulls her hand away from its place on Regina’s hipbone. She doesn’t completely let Regina go, choosing to hold her arm instead. She’s touchy tonight – it’s nice.

“Drinkin’ game. I don’t know.”

Regina huffs out a laugh and shakes her head at the vague answer. “Fine.”

Janis looks satisfied, hand leaving Regina’s skin as she starts to step away. The rest of the party comes rushing back in. She forces her eyes away from Janis, realizing that she’s been rude to Tori – they were in the middle of a conversation. Regina… might have forgotten Tori was there as soon as Janis walked up.

“Sorry,” she says, looking at the lacrosse captain and shrugging in apology. “I’m being summoned.”

Tori looks dejected and slightly uncomfortable, but Regina’s just glad she doesn’t look mad at Regina for ignoring her flirting attempt.

“No worries. Uh, I’ll see you later.”

She looks away from Tori just in time to watch Janis throw an odd look towards the captain. She’s still not sure why Janis doesn’t seem to like Tori, but now’s not exactly the place to ask. She’ll ask her later (if she remembers).

Regina lets Janis lead her away. They make a surprise stop at the kitchen, where Janis pours them both rum and cokes – heavy on the rum, light on the coke to the point that it makes Regina wince and cough as she takes a sip. If this is how Janis has been pouring all night, Regina’s surprised she’s coherent. They head to the basement, which is apparently where all of Regina’s friends have been hanging out. Gretchen, Cady, and Karen are all sitting together, chatting as Cady twists Karen’s hair into little buns.

“I heard we’re playing a game?” Regina asks as she sits next to Damian on the ground.

Damian gives her a confused look. “I don’t know about a game, but if you want we could play king’s cup or something?”

Everyone else starts to chime in with game ideas. Regina narrows her eyes at Janis. Why would she say there’s a game planned, Regina wonders. Janis looks back at Regina, blinking innocently. Shaking her head, Regina takes a sip of her drink, more prepared this time so her only reaction is a slight tightening of her mouth as the burn of alcohol washes across her tongue. She’s here now. They might as well play something.

It seems like the decision has come down to king’s cup or never have I ever. There’s no way she’s playing never have I ever – there’s too many chances for her very drunk and very well-meaning friends to ask something she’s not ready to reveal yet.

“King’s cup sounds good,” she says.

The people who wanted to play never have I ever groan as her vote tips the decision in favor of king’s cup. Damian pulls a deck of cards from who knows where, shuffling while Cady gets up to go find an empty cup. They have to clarify the rules, everyone seeming to have slightly different ways of playing, but soon enough, the whole group, plus a couple kids Regina doesn’t know, are in a circle, cards ready to start.

The rest of the night is a blur. Regina’s not sure when they left the party. She remembers Gretchen and Damian somehow becoming the responsible ones, coaching everyone to stay quiet as they head in the direction of Karen’s house, only a few streets over from Tori’s. Regina’s not sure how they managed to get inside without waking Karen’s parents up, but they do it somehow. Regina falls asleep curled against Cady on the floor of Karen’s room, Janis and Damian at her back while Gretchen and Karen share the bed.

When Regina wakes up, she’s flat on her back with one arm extended while the other is curled around Cady, who’s tucked close to her side. Janis is using her arm as a pillow, her hand tangled in Regina’s sleep shirt. Regina’s outstretched hand brushes Damian’s shoulder where he’s curled on his side at Janis’ back. Despite the pounding in her head and the gross dryness of her mouth, it’s still a good way to wake up.

Carefully as she can, Regina shifts her arm from around Cady so she can rub her eyes. There’s no trace of makeup on her hand, and Regina applauds her drunk self for having the sense to wash her face before collapsing into the pile of blankets and pillows they slept on.

Regina cranes her neck to see the bed. The two lumps that make up Karen and Gretchen are unmoving besides the deep, even breaths of sleep. Regina’s the only one up. She closes her eyes again, not falling back to sleep but enjoying the quiet of the morning as she breathes through the waves of pain from her hangover.

“You make a good pillow,” Cady grunts a few minutes later, turning further into the crook of Regina’s arm. “I feel like ass. Who the hell suggested drinking games? I need to kill them.”

Regina chuckles, the action making her head pound. It’s always funny how unfiltered Cady can get when she’s hungover. The pulsing of her headache makes her groan. She’s never been more thankful for Karen’s blackout curtains – the sun would only make this worse.

The movement of Regina’s shoulder as she laughed and the quiet words rouse Janis. She huffs, rubbing her face against Regina’s arm. Her eyes blink open, and Regina can watch her process her position. Her face relaxes for a moment, eyes about to shut again. The next second, she’s sitting up, wincing at the fast movement. She looks almost embarrassed by their closeness, despite them all sleeping more or less in a pile all night.

Janis’ sudden movement wakes Damian, and it’s not too much longer until Gretchen and Karen are up, all of them lamenting their hangovers.

The whole morning, Janis is almost skittish. Regina reaches for her at one point to get her attention, only for Janis to practically flinch away from her. There’s no sign of the girl from last night, who wrapped an arm around Regina, who wasn’t afraid to touch her. She keeps sneaking glances at Regina throughout the morning, that strange mix of embarrassment and pain on her face every time, even though she barely talks to Regina the entire time they’re at Karen’s. Regina convinces herself it’s Janis’ hangover. It helps that she’s at odds with everyone, twitchy and snappish no matter what they do.

Once they’re all recovered enough to go home, Regina offers a ride to anyone who wants one. Everyone but Janis and Gretchen accept. Gretchen she expected - she’s been curled against Karen all morning, and Regina can’t imagine her wanting to leave until she absolutely has to. Janis, on the other hand, is a surprise. She lives a good 45-minute walk from Karen’s house.

“You sure?” Regina asks, hanging back while everyone shoves their shoes on and stumbles towards the Jeep. She clicks the unlock button so everyone can climb in while she waits for Janis to answer.

She watches Damian flip off the sun out of the corner of her eye, turning back to Janis to make a joke only for the words to die on her tongue at the glower Janis is leveraging at her.

“I said I didn’t need a ride.” She crosses her arms. “So why don’t you take me at my word. Don’t keep everyone else waiting.”

Barely keeping the hurt from her voice, Regina nods and says, “Alright. Have a safe walk home, then.”

Hope you don’t get lost with your head stuck up your ass like it is, she thinks, her own exhaustion and hangover making her grumpy. They’re all hungover and in pain. That doesn’t mean Janis has to be such an asshole about it.

She spins on her heel and heads to the car, flinging open the driver’s side door and slamming it hard enough to shake the whole car.

“Ah yes, just what my hangover needed. An earthquake,” Damian mutters.

“Don’t,” Regina warns, throwing the Jeep into reverse and screeching out of the driveway.  

The rest of the ride is quiet.

Regina doesn’t mind dropping everyone at home, but all she really wants to do is be in her bend under the covers where it’s dark and quiet and she can think about the feeling of Janis’ hand on her hip while ignoring everything that happened this morning.

Sunday is pretty much a bust.

Any hope that Regina had for Monday being normal is crushed when Janis texts the group chat with her and Damian in it to tell them that she doesn’t need a ride. (Regina doesn’t pout on the way to school. She’s just frowning because it’s Monday, no matter what Damian says.)

While Regina doesn’t have any of the classes she shares with Janis on Mondays (yet another reason to hate them), she doesn’t see her at lunch either. Damian notices her very covert glances around the lunchroom.

“She said she had art stuff to finish up,” he says.

It’s a perfectly reasonable explanation – Janis has a few projects due soon, and she’s been beefing up her portfolio for college. Something still nags at Regina, a small seed of worry taking root. She pushes it away. Janis is a big girl; she doesn’t need Regina hovering.

~~~~~

Regina’s happy to have lacrosse after school. After the tension on Sunday and the weirdness she’s felt today, the exercise will be a welcome way to exorcise the stress from her body. It’ll give her a chance to quiet her mind, all of her focus set on improving her skills.

Regina’s tugging at her socks when she hears someone come up behind her in the locker room. Looking up, Regina smiles as she sees Tori.

“Hey, Cap. All recovered from Saturday?”

Tori smiles tightly. The wide smile on Regina’s face fades. She’s not sure why, but Tori’s upset. God, what is with everyone being off lately?

“I wanted to apologize for Saturday, actually.”

Apologize for what, Regina wonders.

“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or, uh, cause any issues.”

This is about that little bit of flirting. Regina doesn’t see why Tori would need to apologize. It’s not like she went overboard or something. She wasn’t a creep like the boys who insist on flirting with Regina, so as far as she’s concerned, they’re okay.

“You’re fine, Tori. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Trying to be nice (and trying to let her down gently), Regina says, “It’s flattering, but I’m not – ”

“Interested.”

“Available.”

She and Tori speak at the same time.

Available? Who would Regina be dating? Janis was the only one Regina remembers really interacting with Tori and – Regina’s breath catches at the implication. What did Janis do – what did Regina do to give off that impression? Maybe the arm around Regina’s waist? But that didn’t even last for very long.

Neck hot from her blush, Regina mutters, “I’m not, uh, dating anyone.”

Tori shifts from apologetic to mortified. “Shit, I didn’t – ” she sighs, running a hand across her face. “This is not going how I thought it would. Let’s just start over. Regina, I’m sorry if my flirting made you uncomfortable. I thought we had been, like, vibing a bit? I was reading too much into things, I guess, and I’m sorry about that.”

Regina goes along with the restart, wanting this interaction to end probably more than Tori. She isn’t going to apologize for being nice to Tori just because Tori misunderstood her intentions. “I didn’t mean to lead you on or anything like that. An apology wasn’t necessary, but I appreciate it.”

“So friends?” Tori asks with a lopsided smile, sticking out a hand for Regina to shake. “Or do I have to be your minion first to earn that title?”

Regina rolls her eyes and shakes Tori’s hand. “I’m capable of having friends, dickhead.”

“Who would have thought I’d be friends with Regina George,” Tori jokes. “I’ll have to write it in my diary.”

“You’re ridiculous. But yeah, I think friends is good.”

Tori nods and rubs her hands together. “Great. I’m going to go get set up. You’ll be on Bella’s team today.”

Fair enough. Regina’s more than fine with some distance from Tori until both of their embarrassment has calmed down.

Stephanie looks smug when Regina moves teams, like it means that she’s winning whatever little dominance contest she’s decided they’re in. Regina ignores the look. She also maybe trips Stephanie during a drill, but no one will be able to prove it.

(It’s not until afterwards, when Regina’s already home, that she realizes what Tori’s flirting meant.

Regina had been clocked by someone who she hadn’t come out to. And she hadn’t freaked out. Barely even realized it. Instead of feeling scary, the realization feels good, freeing.)

“So,” Damian says, tray slamming down on the table hard enough to get everyone’s attention. “Is Janis acting weird to anyone else, or is it just me?”

Cady raises a hand, the nerd. “She, like, practically ran away from me earlier when I tried to ask her about something for class.”

Even though it shouldn’t be, the confirmation that it’s not just Regina Janis is acting strange around feels almost like a balm.

“Maybe it’s just school stuff?” Gretchen says. “It’s only been like two days. I think we should give her some space until like Thursday or something. She’ll probably be fine by then.”

Regina appreciates Gretchen’s optimism, but she’s not as confident that school is what Janis is concerned about. They’ve gone to school together for years. Regina knows what it looks like when Janis is stressed about classes.

It doesn’t get better after lunch, Damian going as far as to make a group chat without Janis in it so they can count Janis sightings. The most success they get comes from Karen, who apparently talked to Janis about puppies. She didn’t get any other information out of Janis. By the time school ends and they’re heading towards Regina’s car, she can tell Damian is genuinely frustrated with his best friend’s behavior.

“No hint as to what’s wrong with her?” she asks a little while into the drive.

She hears more than sees Damian’s head hit the window as he slumps over in frustration. “Girl, I tried a few times to talk to her today. I got nothing. She’s been weird since the party, but she keeps trying to claim that nothing’s wrong.”

“At least you get a conversation out of her. I can barely get her to look at me.” Regina tilts her head as she thinks. “You’re right, though. I hadn’t realized that it started after the party. I mean, I was with her for most of it, and I don’t remember anything happening.”

She whips into Damian’s driveway, throwing the car into park. Damian doesn’t get out of the car, and Regina twists to face him more fully. He’s got a look on his face, thoughtful and suspecting.

“You’re sure nothing happened?”

Regina shrugs and doesn’t try to keep the exasperation from her voice. “We drank, played games. She got grabbed by Karen at some point, so I talked to Tori for a little while and then we came downstairs for that round of king’s cup. Literally normal party things.”

Damian shakes his head, suspicious expression gone. “Then I’m not sure.”

Regina finds herself almost missing the times when Janis was up front and obvious about her anger. This whole ghosting thing is just irritating.

~~~~~

“Hey,” Regina says, forcing brightness into her voice instead of grabbing Janis by the shoulders and shaking her like she wants to. (Instead of begging Janis to tell her what she did wrong.)

Janis looks at Regina, a momentary flash of fear in her eyes making Regina’s heart sink. She just needs Janis to talk to her, tell her what’s wrong so Regina can make it right. Janis is walking around like a specter, a weird mirror to how Regina was after her breakdown in the hall forever ago. Except this time, there was no catalyst to the behavior that Regina can recognize. No place to start, no way to reach Janis if she doesn’t know what’s going on.

“Hey, Regina,” Janis says, her movements at her locker becoming quicker as she shovels stuff into her bag. “I’ve gotta go, I have to talk to Mr. Dyer about something before class, but I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

Her words run together, Regina barely able to make them all out.

Pretty much as soon as she’s done speaking, Janis’ locker slams shut and she’s booking it down the hall with a quick wave thrown over her shoulder. It’s the most she’s said to Regina in days, and it still doesn’t feel like enough.

“Janis, wait!” Regina calls.

Janis doesn’t even pause. She’s making good time down the hall – if Regina wasn’t worried, she’d make a joke about not realizing Janis’ little legs could move that fast. As it stands, even though she’s worried about Janis, Regina will be damned if anyone catches her running down a school hallway for any reason. Which means she has to let Janis go. Regina lets the hand she had raised in an attempt to stop Janis from leaving fall back to her side.

“We have next period together,” she finishes to no one in particular. “Why do I get the feeling we won’t be sitting together?”

Sure enough, when Regina walks into class, Janis is not in her normal seat, and she’s definitely not talking to Mr. Dyer about anything. Ire blazes in Regina’s stomach. It’s petty . Even worse, it’s dumb. Regina – and the rest of their friends – just wants Janis to talk. (And yes, she can see why it’s ridiculous for her to expect this from Janis when she was just as immature. But she really thought they were over this stuff.) Unlike Janis back when Regina moved desks junior year, however, Regina doesn’t let it stand. The desks around Janis are full, but a look has the kid in the desk next to Janis scrambling away, leaving it free for Regina.

She slides into the chair, slamming her laptop down on her desk. Janis twitches, but she doesn’t look at Regina. That’s fine. Regina doesn’t have to look at Janis either.

(It hurts. An ache deep in her chest at the fact that they’re here again.)

“I don’t know what your damage is,” Regina hisses, gaze burning a hole in the whiteboard. “But this avoidance shit is getting old.”

She sees the kids around them freeze for a second before going back to what they were doing, all their heads still slightly angled towards the two of them. Regina can barely bring herself to care about the audience.

It doesn’t feel good, snapping at Janis like this, but Regina is worried and tired. If snapping at her helps, Regina’s willing to try.

“It’s not avoiding if none of you will leave me alone.”

Ouch.

Regina doesn’t let on how much the biting comment hurt, sucking in a harsh breath through her nose but otherwise not reacting.

“I think you need to grow up.”

Regina snaps her laptop open, for once actually focusing on class as Mr. Dyer starts his lecture. In the wake of their moment at the concert, Regina had thought they were doing well. This complete reversal from Janis has her feeling unmoored.

~~~~~

The next day, despite Gretchen’s hope that Thursday would magically fix everything, Janis still isn’t talking to anyone – Regina is still getting the shortest end of an already short stick, their argument in class yesterday apparently inspiring Janis to start avoiding her completely.

Like she always does, Cady appoints herself mediator of the group. Which just means that instead of going to lacrosse like she should, Regina considers while she watches Cady march towards her, she will probably end up cornered in an empty classroom. At least Regina’s sure she didn’t do anything this time.

She texts Tori that she’ll be late, citing a hurricane Cady sighting. She tilts her head, dropping her phone to her side and waiting for Cady to reach her. No one power walks like Cady, Regina’s noticed. Maybe it’s those dumb hiking shoes she insists on wearing everywhere.

Regina doesn’t put up a fight when Cady tells her to follow. She’s just happy her friend didn’t feel the need to grab and drag her. Sometimes her friends act like she’ll say no if they ask her to follow them, when in reality she’d do pretty much anything they asked. (On second thought, maybe her friends not knowing how much of a pushover she really is could be a good thing. She should start saying no occasionally so they don’t catch on.)

They reach an empty classroom, Regina absently wondering if Cady scopes them out beforehand because she didn’t even pause to glance at any other rooms before heading straight to it. It’d make sense. Cady likes to be prepared.

Regina sits at a desk, Cady perching on the edge, for once towering over Regina instead of the other way around. Her feet barely brush the floor, and Regina has to fight down a smile. She’s so short. Shaking away the humor, Regina focuses on the reason Cady must have pulled her into the room.

“If this is about Janis, I still have no idea what’s going on with her.” And just to make sure, “I didn’t do anything this time, I’m sure of it.”

Cady shakes her head. “I just noticed that she’s being, like, extra avoidant with you. I was hoping you had some idea of what was going on. If you did something,” Cady says with a little smile. “I’d expect you to be the one acting funny.”

Regina shrugs. It’s not like Cady’s wrong.

“Yeah, wish I knew. She chose to sit next to Phil in class yesterday instead of me and everyone knows he always smells like onions. Do you know who doesn’t smell like onions? Me! She’s lucky I didn’t let her get away with it – she could have smelled like onions for the rest of the day just by proxy.”

“Get away with it?”

“I scared Phil away and sat next to her anyways, duh.” Not that it went well, Regina thinks. 

Cady giggles. “Of course you did. Well, if you don’t have any idea why she’s acting the way she is, do you have an idea of how to find out?”

Regina bobs her head from side to side as she thinks. “I've already tried talking to Damian about it. I'll try talking to her again and let you know."

If that doesn't work, Regina is going to have to resort to desperate measures.

They lapse into silence, but neither of them make any move to leave. Regina studies her nails for a moment before looking back up at Cady. 

“We’re sure I didn’t do anything, right?” she asks, insecurity getting the best of her. 

Cady reaches down, squeezing Regina’s shoulder comfortingly. “This is probably just a Janis thing, Regina. Maybe something’s going on at home that she’s not ready to tell us yet.”

That could be the case, but Regina has enough experience with Janis’ moods that her gut feeling tells her it’s not that. The way she ran away from Regina has her certain it has something to do with her. It’s just a matter of figuring out what.

Friday is a bust for all things Janis, at least on Regina’s end. Damian apparently got some sort of conversation out of her, so he’s in a better mood on the drive home. All Regina knows is that it’s time for desperate measures. After she drops Damian off, she spends the rest of the evening gathering supplies. 

Saturday morning has Regina feeling like she’s preparing for war. She ties her hair up, clenching her jaw as she pulls her uniform for the morning over her head and ties it behind her back. 

Regina stares down at the recipe written on the box in front of her. It can’t be that hard, right? Janis managed to teach her to cook, so she should be able to figure this out. Glaring at the cake mix with her eyes narrowed, Regina thinks, I can do this. Cracking her knuckles and straightening out her apron, she gets to work.

How hard can baking be?

Very hard, apparently. Regina honestly didn’t think baking could be more difficult than cooking, but it seems the universe loves proving her wrong. 

There’s batter everywhere (she’s still not sure how it got on top of the fridge) and it reeks of burned sugar and cocoa. Regina’s shirt has various stains on it, despite the apron, and her ponytail is half undone. 

This is Regina’s third (and last, her patience decrees) attempt. Her mom vacated the house after the second attempt, citing a meeting she had scheduled, even though Regina knows her mother well enough to know that she never schedules anything before three on a Saturday. 

Regina’s not sure what’s going wrong. As far as she can tell, she’s following the directions perfectly, but the cakes never quite come out right. First one? Burned. Second? Molten, but also somehow cold, half-baked sludge. This last cake needs to turn out right. For both Janis and Regina’s sakes. 

After she puts the batter in the oven, Regina paces the kitchen, prowling in front of the oven like a tiger. The instant the timer goes off, she’s lunging for the door, barely remembering to put oven mitts on before grabbing the cake pan. 

It looks…like a cake. Mostly. It doesn’t smell like she failed, but that could be the previous two attempts frying her nose to the point where she can’t tell. The important thing is that it’s not raw and not burned. 

Regina actually did it. 

She suddenly understands the feeling football players have when they spike the ball at the ground after a goal. Touchdown. Whatever. After they score. She doesn’t spike her fully cooked cake to the ground, but it’s a close thing. 

She read somewhere that it’s best to let a cake cool before you ice it, so she makes herself leave the cake on the counter. While it sits, she does her best to clean up the kitchen. (The top of the fridge is going to have to remain chocolatey.) 

Once the cake is cooled and iced, Regina cuts a chunk off and puts it in a tupperware. 

Her stomach churns with nerves. Hopefully this works. 

~~~~~

When she gets to Janis’ house, Regina doesn’t even pull into the driveway, instead parking along the curb. It seems too official, too presumptuous to pull in. Janis hasn’t invited her over this time. Somehow, it feels like Regina has lost the right to this place all over again. She sits in her car, staring up at Janis’ house. She can’t bring herself to get out of the Jeep quite yet. 

Hopefully, Mr. ‘Imi’ike is home instead of his wife. Sure, he’s a huge man who looks like he could be scary, but Regina has never seen him be anything but happy and gentle. Mrs. ‘Imi’ike on the other hand, well, it’s safe to say that Regina has a healthy respect for her and would prefer to not have to face her guilt-inducing, fear-inspiring angry face any time soon. 

When the scent of chocolate cake becomes too cloying to ignore, Regina forces herself out of the car. Gripping the container so hard her knuckles turn white, she approaches the front door. 

The doorbell sounds like a death knell and Regina shifts back and forth on her heels as she listens to the faint sounds of movement inside. And Regina can never get lucky, can she? The door opens to reveal Janis’ mother, who looks startled to see Regina standing there. 

She’s a short woman, barely taller than Janis but no less  intimidating for it. There’s a pang in her heart as Regina realizes that the last time she saw Mrs. ‘Imi’ike, Regina was shorter than her. She hadn’t yet had her growth spurt, had still thought that every adult was a giant. 

The momentary surprise is but a flicker across Mrs. ‘Imi’ike’s face before her expression settles into something Regina can’t quite read but knows isn’t good. 

“Regina George.” 

Not a strong start, but at least Regina’s not getting a door slammed in her face. 

“Hi, Mrs. ‘Imi’ike. Nice - nice to see you.” She puts on her best smile. 

“Did you need something?”

There’s no crack in the unimpressed facade Janis’ mom is projecting. Regina winces internally. She hates this. Part of her wonders what Janis has told her mom about Regina being back in her life. Wonders if she knows Regina apologized, wonders if her apology even matters to Janis’ mom, wonders if she’ll ever be welcome here. 

“Uh,” Regina shifts the container in her hands, shaking away her thoughts. “I was wondering if Janis is here? I brought this over for her and wanted to make sure she gets it. It, um, I - So, yeah. Can I talk to Janis?”

“Unfortunately, Janis needs to – ”

“Mom!”

Regina doesn’t think she’s ever been more relieved to hear Janis’ voice before. From over Janis’ mom’s shoulder, Regina watches her race down the stairs, footsteps heavy. 

“It’s fine. We’ll be in my room, okay?”

Janis reaches around her mom, grabbing Regina’s wrist to drag her inside. Mrs. ‘Imi’ike doesn’t move out of the way, forcing Regina to turn sideways to avoid hitting her. 

“Thank you, Mrs. ‘Imi’ike,” Regina calls over her shoulder as Janis practically hauls her up the stairs. “It was nice to see you again!”

It was not and Regina hopes she won’t have to experience it for another six months at least.

They don’t speak until they’re in Janis’ room, the door shut behind them.  

“What the hell are you doing here?” Janis asks, finally letting go of Regina’s wrist. 

“You’ve been avoiding me everywhere else, so I’m resorting to desperate measures.”

Janis at least has the decency to look chagrined. “I’ve been busy.”

Regina stops herself from scoffing. “No you haven’t been, Janis. Barely anyone has seen you lately. You barely talked to anyone this week, but hey, at least they got more than two words out of you.”

“What do you want me to say?” Janis is already on the defensive.

Regina shakes her head and sits on Janis’ bed. Janis stays standing, across the room from Regina - pretty much as far away as she can get in the small space. 

“I just -” She hopes Janis didn’t catch the slight waver in her voice. “I want to know what’s wrong. No one can figure it out. They all think it’s something going on with school or something here at home.

“I think it’s something to do with me, though. You’ve been avoiding me the hardest, so it’s kind of the only conclusion I could come to. And I don’t - I don’t know what I did. But I’m sorry, for whatever it was. Just tell me so I can never do it again.”

All the tension floods out of Janis’ body as soon as Regina apologizes. Her eyes widen and she frowns, making an aborted movement to reach for Regina. 

“You didn’t do anything, I promise, Gina.”

Regina waits a beat to see if Janis is going to continue. She stays quiet, looking at Regina like it hurts. 

“Then what’s wrong?” Regina asks desperately. “Because I don’t want to lose you and it feels like I already am.”

“I was jealous, okay?” Janis blurts out.

Jealous. The word makes Regina’s heart trip over itself.

“You’ve been spending so much time with T - the lacrosse team, and I felt like I was going to lose you to t-them. I - hmm. It seems like we were both scared of losing each other,” she tries to joke at the end, but it falls flat. 

Jealous in a friend way. Regina’s hope that Janis might have been jealous of Tori’s flirting is burned away by annoyance. She drops the tupperware onto the comforter and stands up, frowning.

“You can’t be mad at me for making new friends, Janis. That’s not fair. You’re my friend. If anything, you should be happy I’m making new friends. Especially since you know my whole-” She waves her hand in the air, encompassing her past. “Situation with friends before this summer.”

Janis sucks her bottom lip into her mouth, worrying at it as she shakes her head. “I didn’t want you to leave me, leave all of us, behind for your cool new friends. But you’re right. It was shitty of me.”

“You have nothing to be jealous of.” Regina’s confused why Janis would even worry about something like this. As if there’s anyone else Regina is even slightly interested in over Janis. “I’m not going to leave you - or, or anyone - behind just because I have more friends. If anything, I’d like you guys to get along with the lacrosse team.”

“I’m sorry,” Janis says quietly. “I got too in my head about it.”

The apology is nice and works to calm the storm of emotions that course through Regina. There’s something nagging at her, though.

“If it was just about me, why were you avoiding everyone else?”

Janis looks bashful, embarrassed. “I knew they’d make me talk about why I was acting weird.” she shrugs. “I think deep down I knew I was being irrational and I didn’t want them talking me through it or making me confront anything.”

God she’s an idiot sometimes. She’s lucky Regina likes her. 

“Just talk to me next time?”

Allergic to too much vulnerability, Janis does finger guns and says, “Can do.”

Regina’s mouth flattens into a line. “Come here.”

She closes the distance between them and pulls Janis into a hug. She doesn’t let go, even as she can feel Janis’ hands waving in the air at the unexpected contact. She gets her act together, though, and wraps her arms around Regina’s waist. Regina tilts her head and rests it against the top of Janis’. 

“Please don’t ignore me again,” Regina whispers, the request easier to make when she’s not looking directly at Janis. 

Janis nods against her shoulder. 

Regina lets herself sit in the warm feeling of the hug for a second before she steps back. Turning to the bed, she grabs the cake.

“I made you this.” Regina sticks the container out in front of her, not looking at Janis as she waits for her to take it. “I thought you were mad at me so I thought a peace offering might help.”

Their fingertips brush as Janis grabs it from her. Regina can’t stop from looking up when they touch. 

Janis pries the lid off. Regina stifles a wince when she sees the state of the cake. Somehow, it looks even worse than it did when she made it.

“Actually – ” she starts, but Janis talks over her, seemingly not even aware that Regina had started to speak. 

“You got me cake?”

There’s an awestruck, touched look on Janis’ face that has Regina swallowing back the urge to take the cake back. She’s holding it so gently, as if it’s precious and not a crumbling mess of sickly-sweet icing and messed up cake. 

“I made you cake,” Regina corrects nervously, sitting back down on the bed. 

If anything, Janis seems to hold it even more dearly.

“You made this? You baked?”

Regina can’t stop herself from bristling at the incredulous tone. Even though Janis is completely right. “I can do that, y’know.”

She can’t, actually, as Janis is sure to find out momentarily.

“Don’t act like this isn’t a big deal,” Janis reprimands, grabbing a plastic spoon from a small pile of takeout napkins and utensil packets that rests on her dresser. “You must have really thought you messed up if this is what you did to fix it.”

“Hey,” Regina warns with a frown, still raw.

Janis winces. “Too soon. Sorry.” 

She knocks a foot against Regina’s calf in apology as she sits down next to her, cake still held like precious cargo. 

Regina watches Janis take a bite of the cake. She can tell it’s bad by the way Janis’ jaw clenches and her eyes pinch. Regina winces, reaching out to take it back. Janis turns her body away, shielding the container from Regina’s grasping hands. 

“Jan, come on. I can tell it’s bad, let me have it.”

Janis swallows, the action looking like it took monumental effort. She clears her throat and looks at Regina. “No, it’s mine. I want it.”

Regina leans farther forward, still unable to reach the container. “No, you don’t. I can’t bake. I’ll buy you something better.”

Janis, making some point that Regina doesn’t think is necessary, takes another bite. “It’s good,” she manages to get out around the brick of cake in her mouth.

“Fine. Keep it,” Regina says, returning to her place. “But I’m going to order myself a chocolate cake. I’ll share it if you ask nicely.”

Janis narrows her eyes at Regina, cheeks still puffed like a little chipmunk. Another rough swallow. 

Two minutes later, Regina has a slice of cake from her mom’s favorite bakery on the way, the cake she made sealed in its container and resting on Janis’ bedside table.  

All the emotional upheaval sorted, Regina feels herself relax for what seems like the first time this week. Remembering that Janis left her to process after talking about something emotional, Regine wants to offer that same courtesy to Janis, despite not wanting to leave at all. 

“Do you want me to go?”

“Not really,” Janis says. “Do you want to watch a movie?”

“As long as it’s not a horror movie, I’m in.”

“Sissy.”

“Don’t start,” Regina says, shoving Janis in the shoulder hard enough to push her off the bed.

Janis sits up from the floor, hair in disarray as she pouts at Regina. 

“Mean,” she says.

“You started it,” Regina shoots back, not feeling bad at all. 

Janis uses the edge of the bed to stand up, flopping forward onto the mattress instead of sitting like a normal person. 

Muffled, she asks, “So do you have an idea of what you want to watch?”

“No. We can flip through Netflix or something.”

Janis nods against the bedspread. Turning her head so she can look at Regina out of the corner of one of her eyes, she asks, “I’ve got my laptop up here, but we can also move to the garage if you want.”

Regina thinks of how the smaller screen of the laptop will force them to sit close together. There’s nowhere really to sit in Janis’ room, so they’ll have to sit on Janis’ bed. 

Regina can feel the back of her neck getting warm.

“Let’s go to the garage.” It’s the safer option, at least for Regina’s sanity.

~~~~~

“What if your mom sees us?” Regina asks, peering out the door as if Mrs. ‘Imi’ike is going to be waiting right outside. 

“You’re going to have to talk to her at some point,” Janis points out. “You can’t - I don’t want - I don’t think you’ll be able to stay on her bad side forever.” 

There’s a weight behind her words, behind her stare as her eyes almost pin Regina in place. An implication that Regina’s stupid, hopeful heart can’t help but grab onto. Regina knows that family is important to Janis - she values it in a way that Regina has never been able to understand (she loves her parents, she does - even her father, as much as she also hates him - but their relationship is different than the one Janis has with hers). Maybe it’s Regina’s feelings adding meaning to Janis’ words, but it feels significant that Janis wants Regina to get along with her parents. It feels like she wants them to have a future. Regina knows that if they date ( when, her heart promises), she’ll need to fix her relationship with Janis’ parents in order to be a good partner. 

It doesn’t make the thought of facing them any easier. 

“I know,” Regina promises. “And I’ll fix it. Just, maybe not right now? I’d rather sit in the garage and have some cake and not think about your mom trying to kill me with her mind.”

A hopeful, beautiful smile flashes across Janis’ face before she controls it. “Fine, drama queen. Let’s go.”

Regina thanks every deity she can think of when they don’t run into Janis’ parents on their way out. Janis gets the projector set up while Regina takes a seat on the couch, tracking the delivery driver on her phone. 

Soon enough, they’re settled on the couch, a movie playing in the background as they pass the large slice of cake back and forth. 

“I can’t believe you made me a cake,” Janis says with her mouth full.

Regina snatches the slice from her. “It was my last resort. I had to do something drastic after your dramatic ass refused to talk to me otherwise.”

“Yeah, but you, Regina George, professed hater of everything culinary, made a cake.”

Regina sighs. “Technically, I made three. The other two were just so bad that I couldn’t let them see the light of day.”

Janis snorts. “That’s closer to what I expected. The fact that the one you gave me was even kind of edible was a surprise.”

Regina scoffs. “You’re so rude! After worrying me enough that I resorted to baking. I can’t believe you.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Janis says, reaching for the cake. “I overreacted.” Regina, mirroring Janis’ behavior from before, turns her body to stop Janis from being able to grab the takeout container. She shoves another bite into her mouth.

“Hey, give – give me the plate.” Janis flails at Regina.

“No, you made fun of me, so you lost cake privileges.”

Grabbing the plate tighter in one hand, she uses the other to hold Janis back. Pulling her legs onto the couch, she pushes herself up onto the back of the couch so she can hold the cake too high for Janis to reach it. She giggles as Janis tries, a couple little hops that Regina fends off with her free hand. Janis gives up with a pout. Kneeling on the couch next to Regina’s legs, she gives her a pitiful look. 

“Please, please, please share the cake,” Janis pleads, hands clasped in front of her. “I promise not to make fun of you anymore.”

Her eyes are a deep honeyed brown from the light filtering into the room as she pouts up at Regina. Regina clenches her teeth hard enough that it hurts; her eyes dart from Janis’ eyes to the pout of her lip and away again as Janis’ position inspires thoughts that Regina definitely shouldn’t be having right now. 

To distract herself, Regina huffs out a laugh. “I don’t think you can make it an hour without making fun of me.”

Janis doesn’t say anything, just makes an even more exaggerated puppy dog face at Regina.

“Ugh, fine. It’s not like I can finish it all myself anyways.”

She lowers the plate to Janis’ level, smiling at the happy little noise Janis makes as she takes the plate.

~~~~~

Regina’s not really sure how they got here, but she’s not going to complain. Here being Regina sitting on the couch cross legged while Janis sits on the floor in front of her, leaning against the couch as Regina braids her hair. The movie is long over, but neither of them make any move to put anything else on. 

All of Regina’s focus is on Janis, as it always is when she’s within arm’s reach. (Regina really has to get a hold of herself. She was never this sappy before Janis.)

“You need to apologize to everyone,” Regina says quietly, not pausing in her braiding. “They were worried.”

Janis starts to slump forward, but the tension from Regina’s hold on her hair makes her sit back up. “I know.”

“Take it from someone who already did this whole avoidance thing. With our merry band of idiots, they’ll give you a hard time about it, but they won’t hold it against you.”

Regina’s thankful for that every day. 

“They’re good about that stuff,” Janis says.

“It’s a wonder we ended up with friends like that,” Regina jokes. “Too good for us.”

“Speak for yourself, I’m a delight.”

Regina finishes up the braid, patting Janis on the shoulder.

“I think it’s time for you to hear this,” she says, faux serious. “Your parents have to tell you nice things. That doesn’t make them always true.”

Janis cackles, reaching back to swat at Regina. “You’re such a dick!”

In retaliation, Regina tugs at one of Janis’ braids as her laughter melds with Janis’. “Takes one to know one.”

Regina loves these moments, where everything feels as easy as it was when they were kids. 

Janis spends all of Monday avoiding their friends, her excuse of ‘I just feel awkward’ making Regina roll her eyes. She doesn’t force her into talking to anyone. Janis has a plan for her apology, and Regina isn’t going to mess with it. She, of all people, knows what Janis is feeling. There’s no harm in letting Janis work at her own pace. 

Regina does get an odd look from Damian when he catches them talking in the hall between classes. The look is followed by a lunch period filled with him questioning her - a conversation she’s sure leaves him more frustrated than before. It’s not her place to explain everything going on with Janis to him. Plus, she’s having a good time winding him up. 

As they planned, Regina makes sure everyone’s gathered near the Jeep after school. Janis is the last to show, to the point that Regina is moments away from heading into the school to drag her out herself. 

When everyone notices Janis’ approach, the light conversations flying back and forth across the group cease as they all pretend not to stare at her. None of their friends are very sneaky though, and Regina massages her temples in resignation as they all act completely abnormally. 

Janis walks up, head down and shoes scuffing against the asphalt. Shaking her head at everyone’s dramatics, Regina pulls Janis into the circle so she’s standing slightly in front of Regina. 

There’s an extended silence as everyone waits for Janis to speak. Regina doesn’t want to rush her, but she’s acting like she’s facing a firing squad instead of apologizing to their friends. If Regina can do it (over and over again), Janis should be able to do it this once. 

“Uh,” Janis says, off to a strong start. “I wanted to apologize to everyone. I’m sorry for avoiding you guys. I didn’t mean to worry anyone.”

Cady steps forward and throws her arms around Janis. The force of the hug has Janis rocking back, Regina reaching out with a steadying hand on her lower back. She drops her hand once Janis is stable. Cady doesn’t let go until Janis returns the hug with two solid pats to her back. She steps away, hands on Janis’ shoulders. 

“We just want you to be okay. It’s not bad to need space, but please tell us next time!”

That girl is too well adjusted sometimes. Regina needs to know what self-help books the lions in Kenya gave her. 

“And?” Regina prompts Janis.

Janis shoots her a look over her shoulder. Regina just raises an eyebrow, crossing her arms as she looks down at her. Janis reddens slightly but covers it by sticking her tongue out at Regina before she turns back to their friends. 

"And I’m sorry for not talking to anyone and being rude when you guys did try to have a conversation with me. That wasn’t cool.”

“You lesbians are so dramatic,” Damian says with a shake of his head, as if he’s not the most theatrical of them all. “What even bothered you so much that you ran away from everyone?”

Regina watches Janis twitch like she wanted to look back at Regina but stopped herself just in time. She’s sure Damian - and probably Gretchen - would have had a field day with any glance they shared right now, so she appreciates Janis’ restraint. 

“Maybe I was just sick of you,” she snarks at him.

Regina’s sure the best friends will have a talk later. She knows Damian won’t let Janis get away with not explaining herself, but he knows her well enough to know the joke is a boundary she’s setting. He won’t ask again in front of the group. 

Instead, Damian gasps. “You take that back. I am a gift.”

And just like that, all is right in the world, everyone watching Damian and Janis snip at each other as Karen debates the pros and cons of wrapping Damian in gift wrap. 

Occasionally, Regina still needs Cady to come help her with PT stretches. Regina’s been keeping up with them on her own, but sometimes it’s helpful to have someone else there to push her through them. 

After they go through Regina’s exercises, Cady sticks around to hang out. It’s nice - it’s been a little while since they hung out one on one, and this gives Regina a chance to ask how Cady’s doing. 

Regina is sprawled across her bedroom floor, too tired and noodly to move after the last exercise. Cady sits on Regina’s bed, texting Aaron, if the look on her face is any indication.

“So how’s the whole,” Regina waves a hand through the air. “Bisexuality thing? I never asked how your conversation with Aaron went.”

She assumes it went well, since the two of them are as disgustingly mushy as ever. 

Cady giggles, the love-struck look on her face somehow getting worse. “It went really well. He likes to joke that it just means we have even more in common. He’s - he made me feel really comfortable about it.”

Her voice goes soft, vulnerable at the end. Her expression is just distant enough that Regina knows she’s going over the conversation in her mind.

“He’s a good guy,” Regina says. “You guys are kind of perfect for each other.”

“Imagine junior year Regina hearing that,” Cady jokes.

Regina rolls her eyes. “Past me was blind and an idiot. We know this. You guys are kind of nauseating, honestly.”

Cady shakes her head. “You’re one to talk.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Cady levels Regina with an unimpressed look. “You have someone you’re perfect for and yet here you are, still single. The avoidance is a bit - what word did you use? Nauseating.”

Regina pouts. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

In a surprising show of self-awareness, Cady says, “Regina, if I’m picking up on the fact that you and Janis would be great for each other if you stopped holding yourselves back, I think that means it’s probably visible from space.”

Regina’s not sure where she signed up for this conversation to be reversed onto her, but she almost preferred talking about Cady and Aaron’s annoyingly perfect relationship over this. 

“Rude.” She sighs and sits up, bringing her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. “I’m kind of waiting for her to make the first move. I want to be sure, and if she does something first, then I don’t have to worry that I’ve been reading everything wrong.”

“And hearing it from literally all your friends isn’t enough?”

“It needs to come from her.”

Cady lets out a chuckling exhale, lightening the mood as she says, “And there’s the added pressure that you’ve never made the first move ever in your life, and probably don’t know how?”

Frankly, it’s ridiculous that her friends know her as well as they do. Because that’s definitely a part of what’s holding Regina back. She doesn’t even know where to start.

“Maybe,” Regina begrudgingly admits, tilting her head to look at Cady. “What would I even do?”

Cady raises her hands. “Don’t look at me. My version of making the first move was acting like I was stupid.”

“Yeah, I don’t think Janis would go for that.” 

“She thinks it’s against the rules of feminism.”

Unfortunately, between the two of them, they’re not able to come up with a valid first move. Cady’s suggestion of ‘just tell her’ is summarily dismissed by Regina. She’s not quite ready for that kind of raw vulnerability just yet. She needs something more subtle if she’s going to make the first move.

Wednesday finds Regina hanging out at Karen’s house, sitting on the bed with Karen as Gretchen digs through the closet trying to find something.

“How’s lacrosse going?” Karen asks, holding out a stick of deodorant like it’s a microphone.

Regina leans away from the uncapped stick, grimacing. She lowers Karen’s hand with a gentle push.

“It’s going great. I really like it, actually. We’ve got a, like, official scrimmage or whatever on Friday.”

She tries to hold back the excited ramble about all she’s learning about the positions and rules of the game, keeping her answer short. 

“Official?”

“We try to play a short game every practice, but on Friday we’re doing a full length game with the team. We’ve been split into the teams already, and even practices have been separated while we train.”

“Sounds cool!” Karen smiles. 

Regina scratches at the back of her head. “Yeah, I’m excited but also kind of nervous.”

“You’re gonna be great,” Karen assures.

Regina doesn’t mention the weird vendetta Stephanie and her cronies seem to have against her. She’s handling it, and there’s no need to worry her friend unnecessarily. (Monday’s practice had ended with Regina sprawled across the field, pain radiating up and down her back from a “misplaced” pass by one of Stephanie’s friends. There’s no way she’s telling any of her friends about that, or she might end up having to cover up  a homicide.)

Friday comes faster than Regina expected. The whole day she’s filled with nervous energy, fidgeting and barely paying attention in class. The rampant nerves don’t calm down until she’s in the locker room pulling on her uniform. 

On the field, Regina’s fitting her goggles to her face when she hears them. Excited yells come from the bleachers, cries of her name and wordless cheers. A smile breaks over her face as she turns around to find all her friends standing at the fence that separates the bleachers from the field. When they see her notice them, they somehow get louder. Karen, god knows how, has acquired pom poms, and she waves them in the air as Damian fist pumps. Regina waves at them with a laugh. They’re not the only ones in the bleachers, but they are by far the loudest. 

She loves her friends.

She didn’t think they’d come to her game. Mentioning it to Karen had mostly been about talking about her new hobby - she hadn’t had any expectation that her friends would show up. It’s a good feeling, knowing that they want to support her enough to show up without her asking. 

As much as she’d like to go talk to them, Tori is calling the team together for a quick huddle before they start. Regina forces the distraction of her friends out of her mind, needing to concentrate. She joins the circle and puts her mouth guard in, listening closely as Tori outlines what they’re going to be doing. 

She can hear Cady screaming her head off as the game starts, and Regina tries to keep the goofy smile off her face as she yells absolute nonsense from the stands. At one point, Regina thinks she hears Cady coaching her to ‘go for the touchdown,’ so Regina really needs to explain how lacrosse works for her. She shakes away the distracted thoughts, wanting to keep her focus - this is her first real game of lacrosse, even though it’s just a scrimmage. She wants to do a good job.

Hearing her name on the field, Regina’s head snaps up. Tori whips the ball at her. Scooping it out of the air, Regina grits her teeth and charges down the field. She ducks around a defensive wing; her eyes track across the field, looking for an opening. Jenna, one of the juniors that hangs around Stephanie, breaks away from the player guarding her. Jenna isn’t one of the ones she’s had the most trouble with, and Regina’s relatively sure she won’t fuck up a play just to make Regina look bad. Regina passes the ball, breathing out a sigh of relief when Jenna catches it and takes off towards the goal. 

As the pass is completed, Regina hears more cheers from the sidelines and smiles against her mouth guard. It’s like having her own personal cheerleaders. 

Jenna scores, giving Regina a nod. Regina returns it, feeling like they’ve come to some sort of understanding. Hopefully, that’s one less person who will give her a hard time during practice.

The rest of the game goes similarly, Regina’s team ending up with the win. Regina’s proud of herself. She held her own for the most part. She missed two catches, but almost all of her own passes went where they were supposed to, and she got two assists. She lets her chest puff a bit as they do the whole “good game” thing, even managing not to smirk at Stephanie as they high five.

~~~~~

Bella and Tori assign Regina and Stephanie to clean up the field. Regina wants to groan. Instead, she takes off towards one end of the field, content to work apart from Stephanie as much as possible. Thankfully, Stephanie seems to be of the same opinion - she gets started in the middle and works her way away from Regina. 

She’s tucking away the cones and some of the spare equipment when Stephanie finishes up, coming to the bench to put away the supplies she gathered. 

Regina wants to try the whole “good sport” thing, since it seemed to help with Jenna during the game. So, instead of ignoring Stephanie like she wants to, Regina turns to her and smiles. 

“Good game. That goal you made in the second half was really clean.”

Stephanie looks her up and down, disdain written all over her face. “Yeah, thanks.”

Alright, fuck me then, Regina thinks, rolling her eyes. So much for that idea. 

Over her shoulder, Regina hears Damian yell something. She can’t quite hear, but turns to look over her shoulder to wave at him. He’s probably talking about meeting at the parking lot, so she’s not too worried.

Turning back, she finds Stephanie still next to her, an outright sneer on her face. 

“Of course Regina George,” she spits her name like a curse. “Has her posse here. How much did you have to threaten them to make them come? Didn’t want to seem like a friendless bitch in front of Tori and the team?”

Regina reels back, sucking in a sharp breath. The comment stings. The warm, proud feeling lingering in Regina’s chest flickers out, an acrid taste at the back of her mouth replacing it. 

“I don’t know who the fuck you think you are-”

Regina goes to step forward, anger coursing through her veins. Suddenly, Janis is there, shouldering in between them and shielding Regina with her body. Her sudden appearance makes the words on Regina’s tongue die. Janis is pressed almost fully against Regina, a hand held out to stop her from moving. (As if Regina would move from this position, the smell of Janis’ shampoo wafting up to her and the feeling of her back warm against Regina’s torso rendering her immobile, close to forgetting what she was mad about in the first place.)

Stephanie isn’t much shorter than Regina, which means she almost towers over Janis, not that Janis seems to notice as she glares up at her. 

Janis bristles and snarls, “Just because your friends don’t give enough of a fuck about you to come to your games doesn’t mean you get to take it out on Regina. Step the fuck back and leave her alone.”

Regina looks at Stephanie over Janis’ head. They make eye contact, the sneer on Stephanie’s face only getting deeper. The girl doesn’t look phased by Janis’ words; if anything, she looks more annoyed.

Janis snaps her fingers in Stephanie’s face. “Eyes here. I’m talking to you. I don’t know what your problem is. I don’t want to hear about you giving Regina a hard time ever again. You think she’s bad? Those friends you think she threatened? We can be way worse than her, and I’d love the opportunity to show you just how bad we can be. Now step back before I make you.”

There’s a beat of silence. Regina watches Stephanie’s eyes flit between them. Regina barely cares what she’ll say in response. Pride and appreciation have wiped out the annoyance and hurt that she felt, Janis’ defense rendering Stephanie irrelevant. 

“Whatever. Freaks.” Stephanie rolls her eyes and walks away.

The adrenaline starts to fade as Regina watches her retreat. Janis turns towards her, any trace of the burning anger from a moment ago gone, leaving only concern behind. Big brown eyes look her over, Janis’ mouth pulling into a frown as she studies Regina. Resting a hand on Regina’s arm, Janis rubs her thumb soothingly over her skin.

“You good? Everyone else headed to the cars, but I stuck around in case you didn’t hear Damian yelling. I know you probably could’ve handled her, but I didn’t want her thinking she could talk to you like that and – ”

Holy shit. Holy shit.

What is Regina doing? Why would she do this what is wrong with her?

She’s lost her mind. That is the only explanation.

But what a way to lose it, she thinks before everything else is wiped away.

Janis’ lips are soft, softer than Regina remembers as she kisses the worry from Janis’ mouth. For a tense moment, Janis goes stiff against her. An instant later, though, she’s melting into Regina. She kisses back, angling her head slightly as her hands come up to cup Regina’s jaw.

Euphoria makes Regina almost lightheaded. Her lips part, deepening the kiss ever so slightly to test the waters. She feels Janis suck in a breath, and a second later Regina’s knees almost give out as Janis swipes her tongue lightly over Regina’s bottom lip. Her fingertips press deeper against Regina’s jaw as Janis pulls her closer. 

Regina makes an embarrassing noise high in the back of her throat. The sound (new, she’s never heard herself sound like that – so desperate and feminine) startles her enough that she pulls away.

At some point during the kiss, Regina’s arms had found their way around Janis’ waist, holding her hips to bring her in closer. Reluctantly, she lets go so Janis can step back. Janis doesn’t move but the hands cradling her face drop, and Regina mourns their warmth against her cheeks.

“We should –” Regina clears her throat, her voice coming out rough. “We should go to the cars before everyone gets worried.”

She can’t stop looking at Janis’ lips, kiss-swollen and shiny. At least Janis is having the same problem, eyes glued to Regina’s mouth. 

“Yeah,” Janis agrees as she licks her lips, face bright red as she stares at Regina. “That’s – that’s a good idea.”

Regina mirrors Janis, licking her own lips and tasting the remnants of some sort of fruity chapstick that Janis must have been wearing. 

They both start to sway closer, Regina’s nose brushing against Janis’ as their breaths mingle. Their lips touch and –

“Guys!” Damian’s voice echoes across the field and they spring apart. Regina starts straightening out her shirt, staring at the ground. Hopefully Damian is far enough away to have missed what just happened. “You coming?! I want pizza and y’all are holding us up.”

“We should – ”

“Go?” Janis finishes.

“Yeah. Yup.” Regina nods, still staring at Janis. She doesn’t know if she’ll ever be able to stop.

Janis giggles, brushing a piece of hair behind her ear as she ducks her head. “C’mon, we shouldn’t keep them waiting. You know how Damian gets when he’s hungry.”

She waves a hand in a come here motion, and Regina follows like she’s tethered to Janis by an invisible string.

They head towards where Damian is waiting for them. Regina’s heart beats double time as she sneaks glances at Janis. Janis seems to be doing the same, their eyes catching every so often. Each time they do, they both look away as quickly as possible, the blushes on their faces getting worse. Janis’ hand brushes against the back of Regina’s, and she has to stifle the elated smile that wants to break over her face.

~~~~~

Even though they were all there, her friends insist on asking her for a play by play of the game. In the middle of explaining how some of the rules work, she feels something knock against her ankle, resting there instead of pulling away. Looking down, Regina sees Janis’ boot pressed against her. Regina’s eyes dart up. Janis smiles softly at her, and Regina stumbles in her explanation, forcing herself back on track as Janis looks away. 

The little moment has the slight apprehension that had been building in the back of Regina’s mind fading. She hadn’t messed anything up with the kiss. She returns the pressure of Janis’ touch, reveling in the small bit of connection. 

“What was the most exciting part of the game?” Gretchen asks. 

“Well, I really liked the second half. There was this-”

Regina’s voice dies with a small gasp as Janis’ foot starts to move, rubbing sedately against Regina’s leg. She stares blankly ahead, trying to gather her thoughts.

Cady leans close to her. “Are you okay?” 

Regina fights to stop her blush. “Yeah, sorry. Still wiped from the game so I’m a bit scattered.”

Janis, the asshole, wiggles her eyebrows at Regina when she hears her answer, knowing the real reason for Regina’s stumble. It makes all of Regina’s progress against her blush for naught as it returns with a vengeance.

Two can play at that game. One day, Janis is going to learn that. 

Regina lifts her hair off her neck, fanning herself as she shakes her head. She watches Janis out of the corner of her eye, waiting for the perfect moment as Janis lifts her cup to her lips. 

“It was just so hot outside,” she almost moans, flirting with the edge of too much while trying to keep her friends oblivious to what she’s doing. “I’m still recovering.”

Regina laughs as Janis splutters and chokes on her soda, liquid dribbling onto her shirt and the table.

“Gosh, Janis,” Regina says, wide eyed and innocent as Gretchen hands Janis some napkins. “You’d think this is your first time drinking.”

“No, sorry,” Janis frowns at Regina, a spark in her gaze. Regina just smiles back at her. “Soda went down wrong. I’m fine.” 

The look on her face tells Regina that she’s won this round. She smirks at Janis and returns to her story. 

Once she’s home that night, Regina can’t stop replaying the moment at the field. She sprawls out on her bed, staring at the ceiling as she remembers the look on Janis’ face as they pulled away from each other. Her fingers brush against her lips even as she smiles wide enough to ache. 

Who knew? Apparently Regina can make the first move. 

Chapter Text

Regina doesn’t see Janis at all for the rest of the weekend. In person, at least. In her head, Janis is constantly present. Regina can’t stop thinking about her. She wants to kiss her again. Not an irregular urge, but it’s the knowing that makes it worse. It’s being able to remember beyond the distant memory of one game of spin the bottle. It’s knowing how Janis feels under her hands now, how their lips feel pressed together now that makes it harder to ignore.

She stares blankly ahead, juggling her phone from hand to hand. Janis had barely hesitated when Regina kissed her. And she’d teased at the restaurant, happy and playful and hot enough that Regina had been tempted to lean over the table just to continue where they had left off. Honestly, Regina had expected Janis to be awkward or too jumpy to even look at Regina; she’d spent most of the drive to the restaurant worried about that exact situation. Aside from a couple of moments where she stared into space, Janis had been normal. Had been flirty. The back of Regina’s neck gets warm when she remembers the weight of Janis’ boot against her ankle, the small smile as she’d headed to Gretchen’s car after dinner.

Maybe if Regina texted –

“Are you listening?” Gretchen asks.

Regina blinks a few times, focusing on the hand Gretchen is waving in front of her face. She hadn’t even noticed Gretchen moving across the room, too caught up in her own head.

“Yeah, I’m listening,” she says, scrambling to think of what they had been talking about. “You were telling me about that new dish Karen made for you.”

“At least I know you were listening five minutes ago.”

Regina winces. “Sorry.”

Gretchen shakes her head and moves back to her yoga mat. She doesn’t look too upset. Pressing play on the video that’s leading her through the yoga session, Gretchen mimics the video and looks over at Regina.

“What’s up? Is everything okay? You’ve been kind of spacey all day.”

Regina bites her lip, thinking. She could tell Gretchen. It’s not like her friend wouldn’t be excited with how hard she’s been working to get Regina to act on her feelings. Really, Gretchen might actually freak out more than Regina did, and that’s saying something.

But Regina finds herself wanting to keep the news to herself. She doesn’t want to hear about how she should be making another move – she just wants to bask in this feeling.

For as much as she loves Gretchen, Regina knows she can be… intense sometimes, and she doesn’t want that right now.

“I’m good, don’t worry about me. I didn’t sleep well last night, that’s all.”

It’s not fully a lie. Her dreams the past two nights have been filled with Janis to the point that Regina wakes up hot and twitchy, not exactly a completely restful experience.

“Do you want to go home and rest? We can always watch Love Island another time.”

Regina pouts. She does want to watch with Gretchen today. It’s not her fault Regina can’t focus.

“No, I want to hang out. I promise I’ll pay attention.”

She reaches for Gretchen, making grabby hands as the other girl finishes rolling up her yoga mat and tucks it away. Rolling her eyes, Gretchen walks to the edge of the bed. Regina grabs Gretchen’s arm, hugging it and looking up at her with a pitiful expression. She wants to hang out with her friend, and the stupid, beautiful contestants in their stupid, beautiful villa will keep her mind off Janis (hopefully).

“Fine,” Gretchen huffs, faux annoyed and caught out by the smile she can’t quite fight. “You’re lucky I want to hear your thoughts about this season. Let me get changed. You good to get it queued up?”

 “Yup, I got it.”

Regina wiggles happily, getting more comfortable in the bed as she grabs the remote and navigates to the show. By the time Gretchen gets back in comfy lounge clothes with her hair in a messy bun, Regina is half under the covers, the other side pulled down for Gretchen.

“Cozy?” Gretchen asks, laughing and climbing in.

“Your bed is like a cloud, I always forget how comfortable it is,” Regina says.

Regina starts the show once they’re both settled. Unfortunately, Gretchen’s going to have to wait to talk about the season. Regina is asleep halfway through the second episode, her dreams filled with Janis with a weird valley girl accent as she flounces around a familiar looking villa.

Monday, Regina’s putting her books in her bag when she senses someone behind her. Turning, her lips involuntarily curl into a smile when she sees Janis. Nervously – this is the first time she’s seen Janis since Friday, Regina runs a hand through her hair, making sure it’s sitting right as it cascades over her shoulders.

“Hi, Jan. How was your weekend?”

“Hey,” Janis says. Her hands clench where they’re stuffed into her pockets – Regina can see the fabric stretch around her knuckles – and she rocks back and forth on her heels. At least Regina’s not the only one off-kilter. “Good. It was good. Uh, long. Did some – did some stuff with my parents. It kept me busy. Yours?”

“It was good, too. I hung out with Gretchen.”

They lapse into silence, Janis nodding and looking anywhere but at Regina.

“You need anything? You good?” Even for Janis, she’s acting weird. Regina hopes it’s just general awkwardness and not her regretting what happened on Friday.

“Yeah, fine. Y’know, sliving.”

That demolishes the weird atmosphere that had settled between them. Janis winces and brings a hand up to cover her face. Regina smiles in confusion.

“Sliving?”

“Yeah,” Janis says, muffled from behind her hand. “I combined slaying and living. I don’t know.”

Regina laughs. “Alright, then. Glad you’re sliving.”

“Really, I just wanted to say hi. And I was in the area so I thought we might as well walk to class together. We don’t have to. But since we’re going to the same class and I’m here I thought it might be a good idea.” Janis smiles, close-lipped and inches away from being a grimace. Regina can almost see the way she’s regretting the word vomit as it happens.

Regina tucks a bit of hair behind her ear, the back of her neck getting warm. She’d love to know how Janis manages to make awkwardness so charming. Or figure out when exactly she decided awkwardness was cute – she never enjoyed it when Aaron would bumble through a question.

“Yeah, sure. That’d be great. Do you have to stop by your locker or anything?”

“Nope, got everything I need.”

There’s another expectant pause. Regina gets the sense that neither of them knows how to breach the topic of Friday, but it hangs over them like a specter anyways.

“Uh, then let’s go. Don’t want to be late or anything.”

On their way to class, Janis tells Regina about her weekend in more detail. Regina listens, asking questions every once in a while, but most just enjoying the way Janis cuts through the crowd for her, checking to make sure no one’s in Regina’s way without pausing the stream of anecdotes she’s sharing with Regina. At one point she guides Regina around a backpack deserted in the middle of the hall with a hand on the small of her back. Regina handles it well. She doesn’t stumble on air or anything. (She’s lying.)

~~~~~

After school, Karen invites everyone over to her place. Her parents are hosting a party next week, and they want to do a test run of all the dishes they’re making. Which means that the group pretty much gets an Indian food buffet as long as they give their honest opinion on the food. Regina can’t wait.

Before they can leave, though, they have to wait for Damian. He got held back in one of his classes, the teacher needing to discuss something with him. To pass the time, Janis proposed a trash can basketball tournament. Now they’re all clustered on one side of the hall, a trash can from a random classroom on the other side, little balls of paper scattered around it.

Regina, not invested in the competition at all, is out in the first round. She pelts her friends with the crumbled papers instead of throwing them at the trash can. After being ‘disqualified’ - which she didn’t even know was a possibility - she’s put in charge of keeping track of the tournament pairs.

Cady cheers as she beats Karen. She’s up against Janis next, the winner versing Gretchen, who’s surprisingly good at the game. As they gather the paper balls for the next round, Janis turns to Regina.

“I think I’ve got this,” Janis says, chest puffed.

“Big talk for someone so small,” Regina teases.

Narrowing her eyes at Regina, Janis leans closer. Regina definitely doesn’t stare at the challenging smirk on her face. (And she definitely definitely doesn’t imagine kissing it off her face.)

“We’ll see who comes out on top.”

Regina hums thoughtfully. “I think I’ve got a pretty good idea.”

Janis checks her out, gaze heavy and moving slow like molasses over her body in a way Regina can almost feel. The perusal makes her straighten, makes her bite at the inside of her cheek to keep from reacting further.

“So confident, Gina,” she says. “Careful. Might end up surprised.”

They’re definitely not talking about the stupid trash can basketball game anymore.

 Regina crosses her arms. “Maybe I like surprises.”

Shooting Regina one more playful look, Janis turns away. She watches Cady shoot and make three of her four shots. (Cady is horrible at actually basketball - Regina has first hand experience. She’s not sure where the sudden skill has come from.) Janis misses two of her shots and loses to Cady.

“Tough luck, Jan. Looks like I was right,” Regina says.

“Whatever,” Janis says, giving Cady a good-natured high five. “I’ll beat Caddy next time.”

In the end, Gretchen is crowned as the trash can basketball champion. They finish cleaning up the paper scattered around the hall just as Damian arrives, and they all head to the parking lot. Regina watches Janis and Damian walk down the hall, Janis bouncing as she gives him a play by play of the tournament.

“What was that earlier?”

Regina jumps, turning to see Gretchen right behind her. There’s a giddy smile on her face as she looks at Janis’ retreating back and the almost guilty look on Regina’s face.

“What was what?”

“Don’t act dumb. That whole thing where you blatantly stared at Janis’ lips while you guys flirted.”

Damn, Regina hadn’t though anyone noticed.

“We were just talking,” she says.

Gretchen nods seriously. “Uh huh, yeah. And I’m the queen of England.”

“Well, your highness, maybe I’m letting go of my reservations or whatever,” Regina says with a careless wave. “Isn’t that what you’ve been telling me to do?”

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, I love whatever just happened. I wanted to make sure you were aware of what was going on.”

Regina pulls a face at her. “I can be self-aware sometimes.”

“At least you said sometimes,” Cady chimes in from Regina’s other side.

“Hey!” Regina protests. “I don’t think you have any room to talk, Miss I-didn’t-know-I-was-bi.”

“Maybe they don’t have that in Africa,” Karen says.

“I – I think they do, Karen.” Regina says. “I don’t think bisexuality is America specific.”

“Oh, okay.”

“In my defense,” Cady says, holding up her hands and bulldozing through the confusion left in Karen’s wake. “I got to the states and instantly got pulled into the gayest group of supposed straight girls in the school, and my other two friends were actually the gayest people in school. So. It’s not my fault I didn’t consider it.”

“Gayest people in school until Regina came out at least,” Gretchen mutters. 

“Uh oh,” says Regina. “Don’t let Damian hear you say that - he might actually fight you.”

Gretchen puts up her fists. “I can take him.”

Honestly, Regina doesn’t doubt it.

It’s Thursday and they still haven’t talked about it. Regina feels like she’s going crazy. She’s tried to ask Janis about it, but every single time she does, one of their friends interrupts. She doesn’t know what to do.

Janis has been flirty all week, which just makes it worse. Every time Janis is close to her, Regina feels like a livewire.

She can’t concentrate, so much of her attention taken up by the maelstrom of thoughts, Janis at the center.

That afternoon, Damian has a doctor’s appointment; it’s just Janis and Regina in the Jeep for the drive home. It would be a good time to bring the situation up, if Regina could find the words. (Or make herself talk at all. She hasn’t said anything since Janis got into the passenger seat. Despite all her attempts the rest of the week, the second she actually has a chance, she freezes up.)

Regina turns up the music, bobbing her head along to the beat as she tries to ignore the heavy silence in the car. Her fingers tap against the wheel as she heads towards Janis’ house. She knows she just needs to say something, anything really, to get the conversation started. It’s just that –

Janis’ hand is on her thigh. Janis’ hand is on her thigh. Janis’ hand is on her thigh.

Oh. Janis is talking to her. The touch was probably to get her attention, but Regina’s having trouble focusing on anything else but the warm weight.

Regina weakly clears her throat, mind still mostly on Janis’ hand. “Sorry, I didn’t hear you. What’s up?” Handonmythighhandonmythighthandonmythigh.

Regina slows to a stop at a red light and looks over at Janis. Janis’ eyes dart from her hand and back to Regina, a smirk slowly emerging on her face.

“I was asking if I could come over.”

Regina eyes the smug expression before her gaze is drawn back to her thigh, Janis’ fingers spread like she’s trying to claim and hot like a brand. Janis’ hand is high on her thigh, closer to her hip than her knee and it’s giving Regina ideas. Her face heats up.

“You want to come over?”

Her thought process must be all over her face and in the waver in her voice because Janis blanches. Her fingers flex and grip Regina’s thigh in surprise. Regina can’t help the strangled gurgle from emerging from her throat any more than she can stop herself from breathing.

“To talk!” Janis almost yells, luckily covering most of Regina’s embarrassing noise and pulling her hand away. “Just to talk!”

They both jump as the car behind them honks. Keeping her eyes glued to the street in front of her, Regina starts driving home.

“Talking,” she says. “Talking’s good.”

She gets the feeling they’re both thinking about the other option, neither of them talking or looking at each other until they reach Regina’s house.

~~~~~

Regina leads Janis up the stairs to her room, thankful that her mom is out and not waiting to greet her like she usually is. Regina doesn’t think she’d be able to have a coherent conversation right now, and she for sure does not need her mom embarrassing her in front of Janis.

Halfway up the stairs, Regina looks back to make sure Janis is following – she’s being quiet, and Regina wants to make sure everything is okay. (Janis usually makes at least one comment about her mom’s décor, so it’s odd that she hasn’t at least mentioned the dumb lion’s head bust her mom put in the foyer.)

Smiling to herself, Regina thinks, everything’s great, actually.

Janis is staring at her ass. Hard enough that she didn’t even notice Regina looking over her shoulder to check on her. It makes Regina want to preen, makes her want to show off a little. (If her hips sway a bit more than usual on the last few stairs, the only person who’s there to notice is Janis. And notice she does, if the strangled little gasp she lets out is any indication.)

Janis settles in the armchair in the corner of the room. Regina sits on the edge of the bed closest to the chair. She leans forward, resting her elbows just above her knees as she waits for Janis to start talking.

Janis is worrying at her rings, looking around the room instead of at Regina.

Nerves prickle along the back of Regina’s neck, and her stomach roils uncertainly. She doesn’t like this purgatory they’ve fallen into. 

“So,” Janis finally says, her voice gunshot loud in the quiet expectance of the room.

“So,” Regina echoes. She’s not sure how to start this conversation either, content for now to let Janis take the lead.

Regina knows this will probably end well. But it matters in a way other relationships haven’t before. She needs it to go well, needs Janis to say what she wants to hear. With boys in the past, it hadn’t mattered what they said when they talked about dating, as long as it was presentable enough for Queen Bee Regina George. Now, it doesn’t matter how it looks, how presentable and rehearsed anything is. All that matters is what Janis wants, and the hope that it aligns with what Regina needs.

“God, this is fucking stupid. Get it together,” Janis whispers to herself. The frustration makes Regina want to smile, even with how stressed about this talk she is.

Regina stays quiet as Janis takes a couple deep breaths. She almost jumps when Janis meets her eyes, the seriousness in her gaze pinning Regina in place.

Janis clenches her jaw, her hands tangling in the fabric of her shirt tight enough that Regina can almost hear it stretch. She grinds her teeth and exhales harshly.

“I like you, Regina,” Janis says plainly, in a way only she can. A dumb little smile quirks at the edge of her mouth before it falls back into a serious expression. “You made my life hell for years and I still can’t get you out of my head.”

She pauses. Regina’s not sure what expression is on her face as her whole world has narrowed to Janis’ words and the earnest fear and hope in her eyes. It must be something good, though, because Janis smiles so gently at Regina, smiles like she can tell this is all of Regina’s dreams come true.

There’s confidence in her voice when she says, “You were my best friend as a kid. You’re one of my best friends now, but I can’t help but want more. Every time you touch me I want you to never let go, every time you smile at me I just want to make it happen again.”

Regina can tell Janis is exasperated at her own show of emotion. Regina wants her words tattooed on her so she never forgets them.

“I’m pretty sure you feel the same way,” Janis finishes, tilting her head.

All Regina can bring herself to do is nod, all her words gone in the wake of Janis’ confession.

“You’re gonna make me do all the talking?” Janis teases.

It snaps Regina out of her stupor. “Ilikeyoutoo,” she says, the words blurring together in her haste to get them out. She doesn’t want to leave Janis hanging. Shaking her head, she gathers herself as much as she can. She’s Regina George – she can do better. “I like you too, art freak.”

There. Cool and collected.

All it does is make Janis laugh, and Regina would happily make that carefree expression stay on Janis’ face for the rest of their lives.

“I’m glad we’re on the same page.” She sounds so fond of Regina, an emotion she’s not used to eliciting in people.

“We are,” Regina says, elated.

“I poured my heart out and I got an ‘I like you too’ for my troubles,” Janis ribs gently. It’s not an admonishment, Regina can tell Janis doesn’t mind – she knows Regina well enough to understand that emotional discussions are hard for her. That doesn’t mean Regina can’t try (for Janis, she’d try most anything).

Regina flushes, covering her face as she flops back onto her back. “I just – it’s – fuck, Janis, I can’t believe this is actually happening. I’ve liked you for so long and then you’re telling me all these wonderful things. I’m half convinced I’m dreaming.”

“You dream about this?” There’s a soft tone in her voice, awe-struck and touched.

Dream, wish, wonder – this has been on Regina’s mind in any way it can for way too long. “It’s all I’ve wanted for a while,” Regina says plainly.

She takes a moment to gather her thoughts. Janis sits quietly and lets her. It’s easier when she’s not looking right at Janis, when her thoughts aren’t consumed with just how pretty Janis is, how happy she looks now that everything’s out in the open.

“I want to be close to you all the time,” Regina says quietly. “I miss you when you’re gone or even just across the room.”

The vulnerability prickles at her. It’s hard, laying her emotions out in the open despite how freeing it feels. After so long holding everything back, she can actually tell Janis how she feels. It’s good scary.

“I want – I’ve never felt this way. I didn’t know I could feel like this.” She doesn’t know how else to verbalize what she feels for Janis. She’ll just have to show her. “Is that enough sappiness for you?”

She breaks the tension that had settled over both of them. Janis laughs and moves to the bed, Regina rocking as the bed dips under her. Regina pulls her hands away from her face and turns her head to look up at Janis. Her cheeks hurt; she’s not sure when she started smiling, but she’s pretty sure she’s never smiled so widely in her life.

Janis likes her back. Janis thinks she’s pretty, probably, though she hasn’t expressly said so. And Janis wants to date her, again, not explicitly stated, but Regina can’t imagine she’d say all those wonderful things and not want to date. Plus, Regina isn’t going to let them end this not dating, so it may as well be a given.

 Janis is staring at her. Regina shakes herself out of her thoughts, tries to get her expression under control. She only partially succeeds, able to turn down the power of her smile but probably still looking at Janis like she’s half in love.

“What?” she asks.

Janis reaches out and rubs her thumb across the swell of Regina’s cheek before pulling away again. Regina’s heart threatens to beat out of her chest at the action.

“I can’t believe anyone has ever thought you were cool,” Janis says. “Look at you, you’re being a goober.”

“A goober?” Regina sits up and pushes at Janis’ arm. “Who even says that? Oh my god I can’t believe I want to date you.”

“You want to date me, huh?” Janis’ voice drops the teasing tone, her words low and confident and smooth.

Fuck her (almost) girlfriend is hot. Regina leans in closer to Janis, letting herself push in and look down at her (she loves being taller than Janis, loves the way Janis looks when she gazes up at Regina). She reaches up to play with the ends of Janis’ hair, winding the strands around her fingers. She checks Janis out, tugging at her hair lightly as she trails her eyes back up Janis’ body to make eye contact with her again. Her wide smile shrinks to a smirk.

She lets her voice go breathy, drops the hand in her hair to her thigh – a taste of Janis’ own medicine – and says, “Among other things.”

It takes Janis a second, but soon enough a blush blooms across her cheeks, mouth dropping open a little as she stares at Regina. Can’t have Janis forgetting who she’s dealing with.

“You – I –”

“What, baby?” The pet name feels right, and it makes Janis gasp and blush even deeper. “I’m what?”

“You’re mean,” Janis breathes.

The word doesn’t hurt anymore, doesn’t make Regina’s skin crawl. She’ll be mean all day if it makes Janis look at her like this. Her eyes are fixed on Regina’s mouth, pupils wide. Regina missed this feeling. Missed being wanted like this. It’s more intense than it ever was with Aaron or any of the boys she’s been with. It’s a rush knowing what she can do to this wonderful, headstrong girl.

“What are you going to do about it?”

Janis licks her lips and leans in. Regina goes to kiss her, but Janis pulls back. There are the beginnings of a confident smile around the edges of her mouth, and Regina wants to taste it. Regina tries to lean in again, but Janis won’t let her get close enough to kiss her. Holding back a pout, Regina finally goes still. Eyes hooded, Janis finally moves close enough that their lips brush as she speaks.

“Can I kiss you?”

Regina is used to boys just going for it. the second she shows interest they’re on her, all slobbery kisses and grasping hands. This build up, the quiet question and respect has Regina on the edge of desperate. It’s not fair how easily Janis has turned the tables on her, how those four words have her needing Janis.

“ Please,” she whispers.

Before the word has fully left Regina’s mouth, Janis is kissing her. She’s in control of the kiss from the beginning, hands pulling Regina in. Regina lets herself get swept away, her eyes fluttering closed.

If she thought the kiss on the field was good, this is better than Regina ever could have imagined.

It starts out innocent enough, sweet and soft. Needing air, Regina leans away. She lets out a shuddering breath, eyes still closed. Janis’ hand comes to her neck and she drags Regina back in. The kiss is less sweet this time, Janis’ mouth hot and commanding. Janis’ tongue swipes against Regina’s lips. Regina gasps, mouth opening slightly. Taking advantage of the opening, Janis slips her tongue into Regina’s mouth, and Regina feels her brain shut down as she shivers.

Regina’s hands grab at Janis, tug-tugging at her sides until Janis gets the message and shifts, throwing her leg over Regina’s lap. The weight of her feels good. Regina loves the way the new position brings them closer, their torsos brushing together and Regina winds her arms around Janis’ waist. In the back of her mind, Regina thinks about how close her arms are to Janis’ tattoo. Its presence has haunted Regina since she saw it. She wants to touch it, wants to taste it, wants to know how Janis would react if Regina did either of those things. 

For now, this is plenty. She’s surrounded by Janis – her smell, the curve of her hips under Regina’s palms, the soft swell of her lips.

Regina doesn’t know how long they’ve been kissing when Janis pulls away with a gasp. She’s deliciously disheveled, face red. Her eyes are wide and dark as she looks down at Regina. The look on her face, hungry and yearning, has Regina’s muscles clenching.

To stop herself from leaning in again – Janis stopped them and she’s trying to respect that, no matter how much she’d like to go back to making out with her – she runs her hands along Janis’ thighs where they’re bracketed against her torso. Playing with the waistband of Janis’ pants, Regina brushes the tips of her fingers against the smooth skin of her hip where it’s exposed between her pants and shirt. Janis’ eyelids flutter and she bites her lip. Regina watches, the edges of her control fraying faster and faster, as Janis’ hips twitch and her breath becomes even heavier.

“Uh, does –” Janis licks her lips and demolishes what little remains of Regina’s control.

She grabs Janis’ jaw, kissing her once, twice before getting a hold of herself again. “Sorry, sorry. You were saying something?”

Janis blinks at her. Regina can see her trying to gather herself once more, her train of thought apparently gone. Regina can’t help but feel a little smug that she made Janis forget what she wanted to talk about.

“Yeah, um,” Janis clears her throat. “I – does – are we – we should - does this mean we’re dating? Are you my girlfriend? Cause that would be really cool, and I just want to make sure that we’re on the same page here. Cause you said you want to date me, and I want to date you , but I feel like we never came to an official decision? And I just –”

Regina cuts her off with another kiss. “Yes, we’re dating, dummy.”

Janis smiles wide, the corner of her eyes crinkling. “Oh. Good.”

“Yes, it is. Now come here and keep kissing your girlfriend.”

They’re both smiling too much to kiss properly at first. The rest of the afternoon passes in a pleasant haze of talking and kissing, only broken by Regina’s mom calling them down to dinner.

~~~~~

 After dinner, they go back to Regina’s room. Regina sprawls on her bed, putting a pillow under her lower back so she can relieve some of the pain there. Janis joins her on the bed, laying on her stomach with a satisfied groan.

Regina feels like she’s glowing – for once everything is going right. She sighs in contentment, letting her eyes mostly close as she just sits with the feeling.

“Your mom seems like she’s doing well,” Janis says. “More put together, at least.”

When her mom had called them down to eat, Regina had been scared.  She can admit that much. It had gone well, though. Regina and Janis were awkward at first, trying to find their bearings after leaving the safe bubble of Regina’s room. Her mom had asked about Janis’ art and her parents, and it wasn’t long until they were all laughing and talking together like they used to when Regina and Janis were kids and Janis would stay for dinner.

“Yeah,” Regina replies. “She’s been doing great. I’m really proud of her. I haven’t heard her mention dad once since like a week after she started going to her grief group, and she’s actually been consistent about her AA meetings.”

Regina feels Janis shift. “I didn’t know she was going to AA.”

Regina’s head lolls to the side to look at Janis. Her head is resting on her arms, turned so she can look at Regina.

“Oh, I didn’t realize I hadn’t mentioned it. But yeah, she’s been going for a while now, and I think it’s really helping.”

Janis smiles, lopsided from her cheek being pressed against her hands. “Good, I know how stressed you were about it.”

“It’s been nice.”

“Did –” Janis exhales in a rush, worrying at the inside of her lip. “Have you told your mom anything? Like not just about us, but even about you being gay? She brought up Aaron at one point, and it just – I’m not trying to push. I was just wondering.”

Regina should have figured this would come up. Especially after her mom lamented how cute Aaron used to be and the absentminded wondering of when Regina would be bringing someone home again.

In front of her girlfriend. Which felt great.

“No, I haven’t told her anything,” Regina admits. “I’m scared, I guess?”

“Scared?” There’s no judgment in her words, just an invitation for Regina to explain if she wants.

“She never, never stood up to my dad when he’d spew his bullshit. And she never, like, tried to tell me ways that he might be wrong. Like, I get not wanting to undermine him, but you’d think she could say something at least. And I know she’s fine with Karen and Gretchen, but I don’t know. It can be different with your own kid. So yeah, I’m a little scared of telling her, because all I know now is that she agrees with him.”

“I’m sorry, Gina.”

“I’ll work it out.” Regina smiles at the caring expression on Janis’ face. It makes the yawning chasm in her heart, the empty phantom of her mother’s uncertain opinion, feel less like it’s going to swallow her whole.

“Are you good telling everyone else about us? I don’t want to mess anything up.”

Mess anything up. As if they’re the problem, instead of her mom’s reaction being the issue.

“It wouldn’t mess anything up, Janis, I promise. That being said, it’s not like our friends don’t know about me already. I’m fine with them knowing – when do you want to tell them?”

Janis grins, reaching out so she can grab Regina’s hand. “Honestly? I kind of want to keep it to ourselves for a little while. Enjoy the quiet before we let the insane brigade know.”

“Oh, want me all to yourself, huh?” Regina says with a smile, pulling Janis close and kissing her briefly. “I like that idea.”

“So there’s a new café opening this weekend,” Gretchen says. “We should check it out.”

Regina looks up from her cheese fries, eyes narrowed. Gretchen sounds too innocent, like she’s up to something and trying to hide it. Regina can’t quite figure out why the weird tone in her voice is there when all she’s talking about is a coffee shop.

“I can’t,” Cady says apologetically. “I’m going to visit Aaron this weekend.”

Karen pouts. “Baby, I have that family dinner, and my parents want all hands on deck. We don’t have a deck to put our hands on, but I have to be at home anyways.”

Gretchen pats Karen’s back. “It’s okay. I’ll take you there another time if we end up liking it!”

That seems to placate Karen and she bends over to press a kiss to Gretchen’s cheek. Regina smiles at how cute they are. She can’t stop herself from glancing at Janis, who’s already smiling softly at her. For a second, Regina lets herself imagine what it would be like to do the same thing as Karen, to be so free with her affection towards Janis. Anxiety builds a moment later, thoughts of the whispers, of the judgment, that would inevitably follow them around if she did. She just returns Janis’ smile, just a little shaky, and returns her attention to Gretchen.

Looking at everyone else, Gretchen asks, “What about you guys? Are you in?”

Damian nods. “I don’t have any other plans.”

“I’m in.” Janis shrugs, most of her attention on her food now that she’s not staring at Regina.

Regina chimes in a second later. “I always love a good coffee.”

(She ignores Damian rolling his eyes at the way she spoke up directly after Janis. Oh no, she wants to spend time with her girlfriend and their best friends. What a travesty.)

After a week of afternoons filled with Janis, it might be nice to hang out with their friends – not that Regina wouldn’t be down for more one-on-one time with her girlfriend. And, Regina figures, it’ll be a good time to tell Gretchen and Damian about them, a bit less pressure than telling the entire group at once. She’ll bring it up with Janis, just to make sure they’re on the same page.

~~~~~

The coffee shop is packed, but Regina still enjoys the vibe of it. Mismatched furniture and comfortable looking sofas are dotted around the well-lit space. There are a couple of bookshelves scattered around, books and board games almost spilling off the shelves. It smells amazing, cinnamon and other spices enhancing the rich smell of coffee and fresh pastries that permeates the air.

They’ve paused just inside the door, standing out of the way as they look around. After a couple of seconds, Janis leans over and nudges Regina.

“You like it, don’t you?”

“A lot,” Regina admits.

If it were slightly less busy, it would be perfect. Even then, the shop manages to not feel too cramped despite the crowd around them.

Janis shakes her head with a smile. “I’ll have to ask if they have a rewards program or something. I have a feeling we’ll be here a lot.”

Regina wishes she was comfortable enough to kiss Janis in public. All she wants to do is lean over and kiss Janis’ temple – her skin is so soft and Regina’s lips feel like they fit perfectly there and she can always smell Janis’ curl cream where her nose brushes against Janis’ hair. She smiles widely at Janis instead and pretends it’s enough.

After looking around a little, they spot Gretchen and Damian sitting at a table in the far corner of the café. Scooting through the crowd, they make it to the table. Gretchen and Damian have to-go cups sitting in front of them. It throws Regina off because she knows Gretchen prefers a mug when she’s planning on sitting in a coffee shop for a while - she always says a to-go cup would be wasteful.

Regina’s stutter step pause catches Janis’ attention, but Regina shakes her head at Janis’ questioning look. She’s reading too much into this – Damian probably ordered without knowing Gretchen’s preference.

Gretchen beams when she notices them, Damian looking up to wave when he sees Gretchen straighten.

“Hi guys! Isn’t this place cute?”

Janis answers for both of them. “It is cute. Regina’s already obsessed.”

Regina watches Gretchen narrow her eyes, looking between her and Janis as though she expects Regina to correct Janis or add her own opinion. Janis summed her feelings up pretty well, though, so Regina just smiles.

Eyeing the little bit of foam caught on Damian’s lip, Regina asks, “How are the drinks?”

“Surprisingly good,” Gretchen says, taking a sip of hers. “They even managed to get Damian’s syrup monstrosity correct.”

Damian squawks. “It’s not a monstrosity. It’s a perfectly valid coffee order!”

Taking a seat next to him, Janis scoffs. “It’s only technically coffee. You know your drink is 90% sugar flavoring.”

Damian turns his nose up. “I’m being bullied, and I won’t accept it. You all have your bitter bean juice and let me enjoy myself.”

Regina is still standing beside the table. She eyes the growing line in front of the counter. “Do you know what you want to order?” she asks Janis.

Gretchen cuts in. “I ordered for you guys already. I know your drink orders, so when they call my name, that’ll be your drinks.”

Regina sits down, throwing her arm over Gretchen’s shoulder to pull her into a short side hug. “Thank you. I was not looking forward to standing in that line.”

Gretchen leans her head against Regina’s arm to return the hug. “They should be ready soon, but who knows with how busy it is.”

Janis winces as she looks around the café. “Really, though, I feel bad for the baristas. This is insane.”

They start catching each other up on their weeks, Regina and Janis not mentioning anything that would have their friends suspicious before they drop the big news. When the barista calls Gretchen’s name, Regina goes to get up. Janis stops her and heads to the counter herself.

While she’s gone, Gretchen gets a text and starts hurriedly packing her things. “I’m so sorry,” she blathers. “That was my mom. We had plans I totally forgot about.”

Gretchen is so type A Regina doubts she’s forgotten about plans since she was a kid. Her planner (a real paper planner like she’s 80 or something) is color coded. Unless her mom sprung these plans on Gretchen last minute – also hard to believe, given that Gretchen’s mom makes Gretchen look relaxed – there’s no way she forgot.

Before Regina can question her, Gretchen’s asking, “D, you okay with catching a ride home now?”

“He can stay if he wants. I don’t mind driving him back.”

Damian waves her off and slings his cross-body bag over his shoulder. “I don’t mind,” he says. “It’s a bit too busy for me anyways.”

Yet another red flag. If the to-go cups and Gretchen’s last-minute plans hadn’t already made Regina suspicious, that comment definitely would have. Damian has no trouble with crowds. If anything, he thrives in them.

“If you’re sure,” Regina says, keeping her tone purposefully light and not letting her friends know she’s onto them.

“Don’t worry about me. You and Janis just have a good time.”

He can’t even keep the sly intent out of his voice. Damian blows Regina a kiss as Gretchen hugs her goodbye. Just like that, it’s like they were never there.

Janis returns to the table with their drinks (in mugs – more evidence that their friends are up to something). Looking at the freshly emptied table, she shoots Regina a confused look.

“Here’s your latte. I put cinnamon on it, the way you usually make it.” She slides the cup over to Regina. “Where did they go?”

Before answering, Regina takes a moment to try her coffee. It’s perfect.

“It seems our friends are trying to play matchmaker by getting us alone together.”

She raises an eyebrow and peers at Janis over the rim of her mug. Janis sits down across from Regina and smiles mischievously.

“They are, huh? Well, we wouldn’t want to let them down.”

“I’m sure they’d be crushed. Unfortunately, they don’t know that I already have a partner.”

Janis acts heartbroken, an exaggerated pout on her face. “You do? I can’t believe I missed my shot. What’s she like?”

Janis leans forward, resting her chin on her hands and batting her eyelashes at Regina.

“She’s pretty great. She’s so hot she makes me tongue tied, and she’s really good at making me laugh. Most importantly, she’s amazing at fishing for compliments.”

That startles a laugh out of Janis. She falls into a coughing fit a moment later, choking on the sip of coffee she had taken while Regina was talking.

“Sounds like a handful,” Janis croaks once she’s recovered.

“She is.” Seeing an opening to tease Janis, Regina lets her eyes flick obviously down to Janis’ chest, making sure Janis sees, before meeting her gaze again. “More than a handful, in some cases.”

Janis’ ears turn red, and she looks around to see if anyone overheard. “Regina,” she hisses. “You can’t say stuff like that.”

“But it’s so fun making you blush, babe.”

If anything, the blush just gets worse, and Janis covers her face with her hands. Regina laughs. She holds up her hands in surrender.

“Okay, okay. I promise I’m done. No more teasing you.”

Still hiding, Janis says, “Me if I were a lying liar that lies.”

“You’re so dramatic.”

“You can’t call me dramatic.” Janis finally drops her hands from her face. “I am not the dramatic one in this relationship.”

Regina can’t even bring herself to rebuff Janis, the mention of their relationship just making her want to smile. 

“Do you want to know something else about my girlfriend?” Regina asks, bringing them back on track. 

“Of course I do,” Janis says. “For completely selfless reasons.”

“Even though the relationship is still pretty new, I really like her.” The other word is too much to say yet, even though Regina’s sure she’s well on her way to it being the only word that applies to her feelings.

Janis smiles, startled and pleased, and Regina wishes she could bottle the feeling seeing that expression gives her. 

“You didn’t hear this from me,” Janis says, looking around furtively. “But I’m sure she really likes you too.”

A quick glance around the café. There’s no one paying attention to them. 

Regina reaches across the table and grabs Janis’ hand. Janis’ smile turns shy and she interlaces their fingers. Regina has a feeling both of their faces are red as they take sips of their coffees. Right when the contact’s about to be too much, when Regina begins to get self-conscious and anxious, Janis lets go, cupping both hands around her mug. She smiles like she could tell Regina was getting overwhelmed. 

A few minutes later, as their absent discussion on the activities that will be held in the café later in the month peters out, Janis looks slyly at Regina.

“I have an idea.”

Regina perks up. “What kind of idea?”

“Well, it has to do with what you said earlier. About Gretchen and Damian trying to force us together.”

Regina’s even more intrigued now. She leans forward, giving Janis her full attention.

“They’ve been so in our business lately, I think we should mess with them,” Janis proposes.

“Mess with them how?”

“I know we planned on telling them today, but what if we didn’t for a little while longer, just to see what they’ll do?”

A low effort prank. Regina likes it.

“So we pretty much continue doing what we have been?”

“Yup,” Janis says, raising her eyebrows. “They’re already desperate enough to ditch us at a coffee shop. I want to see what else they’ll try.”

Regina grins at her girlfriend. “Sounds fun. Good idea, baby.” 

She mostly added the pet name so she could see Janis’ reaction. And react she does, blushing prettily with her lip pulled between her teeth while she looks at the table. Regina’s already mourning the time when Janis gets used to it and no longer acts all bashful.

They stay at the shop for a little while longer, people watching as they finish up their drinks. Regina has to hand it to Gretchen and Damian. This is a good place to get tricked into a date. 

By the drawn-out kiss Janis gives her when Regina drops her off, she agrees.

As they expected, the ditching-plans-to-push-them-together thing keeps happening. Regina’s not sure if her friends have developed a schedule or something, but once or twice a week, they’re invited to something and inevitably left alone.

Gretchen invites Regina, Damian, and Janis to a movie. When Janis and Regina get to the theater, their friends haven’t arrived yet. They wait in the lobby, Janis grabbing snacks while Regina texts to see when they’re coming (she has to keep up the appearance of not knowing what they’re up to).

She gets back to very bad excuses – she knows Damian doesn’t have a bird, and she’s like 90% sure birds don’t need to get their beaks polished – as to why they’re no longer coming to the theater. She tells Damian not to lie if he’s ditching them to be with a boy, because it’s what she would say if she wasn’t aware of their plan, but accepts the excuses otherwise. 

Janis walks up, loudly slurping her drink as she balances their popcorn and Regina’s Icee (a guilty pleasure that only Janis knows about, a remnant from when they were kids) in her arms. Regina grabs her drink, worried that if Janis has to hold it for much longer she’ll end up dropping everything.

“They ditched us,” Regina says. “Not surprising, but it looks like we’ll be seeing this movie on our own.”

“Why would they waste the money on four tickets if they weren’t going to come?” Janis wonders.

She sighs and shakes her head. “Jan .” she says in a tone that begs Janis to think about it for longer than two seconds. “They bought us tickets and never bothered to buy any for themselves.”

Like she summoned it, Regina looks down at her phone as it buzzes in her hand. Gretchen’s sent her the confirmation email for the tickets. Two of them. At least Gretchen got them good seats.

Janis purses her lips. “Yeah, that makes more sense.”

Tickets acquired, they head to the theater. It’s mostly empty, and they’re sitting at the back. Halfway through the previews, Janis leans over.

“Does this feel wrong to you?” she asks through a mouthful of popcorn.

“Does what feel wrong? And stop talking with your mouth full, it’s gross.”

Janis sticks her tongue out and Regina reels back with a disgusted noise. It’s a wonder she’s so attracted to Janis, honestly. Janis laughs at her as she finishes chewing.

Mouth empty, she says, “Letting our friends pay for our dates. They bought us coffee that one time, mini golf tickets, and now this.”

Regina shrugs. “They’re the ones trying to fuckin’ force us together. Imagine if we weren’t dating – this shit would be awkward. They’re meddling where they shouldn’t. It’s not my fault they’re acting on old information.”

(Well, Regina concedes, it’s kind of her fault, but it’s mostly theirs for being so nosy.)

Janis still looks unsure. Regina reaches out and tucks a strand of hair behind Janis’ ear. Dropping her hand, she rubs Janis’ shoulder soothingly.

“This was your idea, babe,” Regina says. “I’m fine to keep it up ‘cause I think it’s funny, but if you want to stop, just let me know.”

“No, you’ve got a point. This is the find out to their fuck around.”

Regina shakes her head. “Can you not talk like a meme for five minutes?”

Janis looks around and kisses Regina on the cheek. “No!” she says, smiling innocently.

A couple weeks into their war of attrition with Gretchen and Damian, something starts to nag at Regina. She meets Janis at her locker after school, nervously toying with her necklace.

“I know we’ve kind of gone on a few dates,” Regina says, even though she doesn’t really count them. “But I’d kind of like to go on one that wasn’t caused by our friends ditching us in an attempt to get us together?”

Janis looks surprised then pleased, a shy sort of excitement on her face as she shuts her locker. “You’re asking me on a date?”

Regina smiles. She steps closer to Janis, glancing quickly around the mostly empty hallway before she reaches out and briefly squeezes Janis’ hand. “Yeah, I am. So, what do you say? Go on a date with me?”

“Of course I’ll go out with you.”

Regina loves making Janis smile. This smile she’s gotten lately, careful and bright and just for her, makes her feel gooey inside. She should have asked Janis while she was dropping her off at home. Regina wants to feel that smile against her lips, wants to cup her face and feel the happy curve of her cheek against her palm.

“Good,” she says breathlessly. “Does Friday work?”

“I’ll have to check my extensive social calendar, but I should be able to make time for you,” Janis teases, the tip of her tongue between her teeth.

“Oh, you’ll make time for me, huh?”

Janis sniffs haughtily. “I’m very popular, Gina. My time is in high demand.”

“You little shit,” Regina says, reaching out to playfully swat at Janis’ arm.

Janis skips out of reach, laughing. “Too slow, babe.”

Regina levels her with an unimpressed look. “You’re not as cute as you think you are.”

Janis puts her hands on her hips, tilting her head. “I’m plenty cute. My girlfriend definitely thinks so. You should see her – she can barely keep her eyes off me, and I make her smile even when she’s acting annoyed with me.”

Regina realizes that she’s grinning a little and tries to get the smile that slipped onto her face under control. She doesn’t even know when it happened.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she says.

“ Sure you don’t.” Janis starts walking down the hall towards the exit, tilting her head so Regina follows. “But seriously, Friday is perfect.”

“Good. I’ll pick you up at six. Wear something warm.” (Regina’s been thinking about dating Janis for months. Of course she already has a date in mind.)

“Is that all the detail I’m getting?” Janis asks.

“I have to keep my air of mystery, Jan. Maybe I’ll tell you more on Friday.”

They’ve reached the Jeep. Janis, made brave by the tons of metal in between them, says, “You are the least mysterious person on the planet, Regina George.”

Regina doesn’t say anything and fights to make sure Janis’ earlier point is proven wrong by keeping the smile off her face when Janis waggles her eyebrows. She unlocks her car door and climbs inside. Janis pulls at her own door, brow wrinkling when it doesn’t open.

“Gina?” she asks through the glass.

Regina doesn’t look at her. She starts the car, connecting her phone and playing music just loud enough to drown out the sound of Janis’ repeated tugging on the door and mostly muffle her pleas to get in. The car stops rocking from Janis’ futile tugs on the door, and Regina glances over. Janis is pressed close to the window, hands clasped in front of her as she points her absolutely lethal puppy dog eyes at Regina. Breathing deeply, Regina holds onto her conviction, shrugging and mouthing ‘what’s wrong’ at Janis. Janis drops the begging expression.

“I’m sorry!” Janis yells loud enough for Regina to hear her. “You’re definitely super mysterious.”

Satisfied, Regina unlocks the door. Acting huffy, Janis climbs in.

“I can’t believe you locked me out. This is bullying.” She slouches low in her seat and crosses her arms. It doesn’t make Regina feel bad, just makes her laugh.

“Fuck around and find out,” is all Regina says.

~~~~~

After school on Wednesday, Regina stops Karen by her locker.

“Hi! What’s up?” she asks.

Checking to make sure Gretchen’s not coming, Regina says, “Uh, I need your help with something. A cooking thing.”

Regina gets the distinct pleasure of watching Karen light up. “OMG. I love cooking!”

Why is Karen saying that like Regina had no idea?

“Uh, yeah. That’s – that’s why I’m coming to you for help.”

“Oh.” Karen tilts her head, bright smile waning to make room for a slightly befuddled expression. She bounces back a second later. “What kind of cooking help do you need?”

Regina sticks her hands in her pockets to keep herself from fidgeting. “Uh, I’m going on a picnic and I need, like, dinner food.”

“A picnic with Janis?”

How does – Regina sighs and shakes her head. It shouldn’t be a surprise that Karen knows. She must not have mentioned it to Gretchen, luckily for Regina, or else Gretchen would have been all over Regina with questions. She just has to make sure Karen doesn’t tell Gretchen anything. Regina doesn’t want to ruin the prank quite yet by letting the cat out of the bag.

“With Janis, yeah.”

“You guys are like so cute.”

Regina runs a hand through her hair. “Thanks, Karen.” Sobering slightly, Regina says, “Can you not mention this to Gretchen? Or – or anyone else?”

Karen frowns, the expression looking wrong on her face. “What? Why not?”

Regina rushes to think of something. “It’s still pretty new. We’re keeping it to ourselves. That’s why I didn’t tell you the picnic was for me and Janis at first.”

And we’re pranking your girlfriend and Janis’ best friend. But mostly it’s the first thing, Regina thinks.

Karen sticks out a hand, pinky outstretched. “Pinky promise I won’t tell.”

Regina links their pinkies with a small grin. “Thank you.”

“No worries! What kind of food were you thinking?”

Karen shuts her locker and starts walking down the hall. Regina follows and they make their way out of the school, trading ideas back and forth until they’ve settled on a menu. Regina appreciates Karen’s willingness to help. She never would have been able to pull it off on her own, and this way she doesn’t have to rely on take out.

~~~~~

The night of their date, Regina pulls up to Janis’ house, parking in the drive. She hesitates before getting out of the car. She should go to the door, right? It’s a date – she doesn’t want to just honk her horn or text Janis that she’s here like most of the guys she’s dated did. It never made her feel special, and if there’s one thing Regina wants for Janis tonight, it’s for her to feel special.

Taking a deep breath, Regina climbs out of the Jeep and straightens her clothes. She needs to look perfect – both because she wants Janis to think she looks nice and because she doesn’t want to look like a mess if Janis’ parents open the door. She’s thankful she’s not that nervous about the date itself – she gets to hang out with Janis, and it’s not like this will be their first time on a date. However, that just means all her nerves get to go towards the conversation she might  have to have with Janis’ mom.

She rings the doorbell. Not a second later, Janis is throwing the door open. Regina smiles, half happiness at seeing Janis (cute in checked pants, a beanie, and a small puffer jacket) and half relief at not having to face Mrs. ‘Imi’ike.

“Hi,” Janis says. “You look nice.”

“Hi, baby. Thank you. You look cute.”

Regina can’t help but take a moment to appreciate the blush that blooms across Janis’ face. She holds out her hand.

“You ready to go?”

Janis grabs the proffered hand, lacing their fingers together like she always does. “Yeah.”

Regina sighs in relief, getting ready to return to the Jeep. She let her guard down too soon.

“Regina,” comes a voice from inside the house.

Regina snaps to attention. She tries to drop Janis’ hand, but Janis won’t let her go. Panicked, she looks at Janis, but her girlfriend is no help and just rolls her eyes at Regina.

Resigned to her fate, Regina plasters on a bright smile and looks back at the open door where Mrs. ‘Imi’ike suddenly appeared.

“Hi, Mrs. ‘Imi’ike. It’s nice to see you again. How have you been?”

“I’ve been fine.” She doesn’t ask how Regina is – just as well, because Regina isn’t sure how well she would have taken ‘terrified’ as Regina’s answer. She doesn’t look happy about Regina’s presence, but doesn’t say anything beyond, “Have her home by eleven.”

“Yes, ma’am, I will.” Regina will have her home half an hour early, just in case.

It’s not a surprise that Mrs. ‘Imi’ike knows, necessarily. That’s the kind of relationship that Janis has with her mom. It’s just that Regina hadn’t exactly thought about it. She didn’t even think about having to face Mrs. ‘Imi’ike with the knowledge that she’s taking the woman’s daughter on a date.

She chooses to take the fact that Mrs. ‘Imi’ike isn’t stopping her as acceptance of their relationship. Not a blessing, yet, but Regina will get there. Someday.

They head to the car, leaving Janis’ mom behind, and Regina lets out a harsh breath. Janis giggles and looks at her from the corner of her eye.

“I’m going to be home by 10:30, aren’t I?”

Regina squeezes her hand. “You know me too well; it’s creepy sometimes.”

Regina opens Janis’ door for her. She likes the cheesy chivalry. It made her roll her eyes sometimes when Aaron would do similar things for her, but being on this side of it and seeing how it makes Janis duck her head and smile to herself feels better. It warms something in Regina’s chest, makes her stand straighter. She can endure the little teasing comment Janis shoots at her once she’s seated, especially when Regina knows it’s to cover up how much she likes it.

Climbing into the car, Regina starts to hand Janis her phone, open to Spotify. “You get to choose the music. However,” she pulls the phone back right as Janis is about to grab it. “I reserve the right to revoke DJ privileges if you pull the same bullshit you did last time.”

The second Regina’s phone is in her hands, Janis is scrolling through Regina’s playlists, bouncing in her seat with an overjoyed smile on her face. Regina shakes her head at the over the top reaction, backing out of Janis’ driveway.

“No Crazy Frog,” Janis says. “Scout’s honor.”

Dryly, Regina says, “You were never a girl scout.”

Quiet indie music starts to play through the speakers. Regina isn’t familiar with the song, but she likes it.

“You’ll just have to take my word for it, then.”

An upside to giving Janis control of the radio that Regina never considered is that she gets to listen to Janis sing quietly along to the music. Regina doesn’t try to start a conversation, content to simply listen.

When they’re about halfway there, Janis asks, “So, where is it that we’re going?”

“You’ll see when we get there,” Regina says without taking her eyes off the road.

“You said on Wednesday that you’d tell me more!”

“No,” Regina corrects. “I said maybe I’d tell you more.”

Janis pouts. “You’re really not going to tell me anything?”

“I want it to be a surprise. How about this,” Regina says. “I’m sure you’ll like it.”

Janis thankfully gives up on questioning her, grabbing Regina’s free hand and amusing herself with playing with Regina’s rings instead.

~~~~~

“The lake?” Janis asks as they get close.

“Yup. That’s why I told you to dress warm.”

Regina’s thankful that the parking lot is mostly empty when they arrive. Hopefully that means the place she scoped out earlier is empty. It seemed out of the way enough to avoid most foot traffic when she made sure everything would work out for the date earlier, but there’s no guarantee.

Regina opens the back of the Jeep, grabbing the basket of food and the blankets she placed there before she picked Janis up. Janis joins her at the trunk, holding out her hands. Looking down, Regina does some quick calculations and shifts, piling the blankets on top of the basket so she can take Janis’ hand.

“Ready?” she asks. “It’s about a ten minute walk.”

Janis is looking down at their hands, shaking her head. “I was offering to help carry – wait.”

She tugs them to a stop and looks from the trail to Regina and back again. “Is Regina George, professed hater of hikes, about to take me on a hike?”

Regina rolls her eyes. “It’s not a hike. It’s a ten minute walk through the woods.”

Janis drops Regina’s hand, clasping both of hers behind her back and rocking back and forth on her toes. “Sure sounds like a short hike to me,” she sing-songs.

“I can always leave you here and go on a walk by myself.”

Janis cackles and holds Regina’s hand again.

“Okay, okay. I’ll stop.”

It’s not a hike, no matter what Janis says. They’re strolling along the shore, not traipsing through the forest and clambering over rocks.

Regina thanks every deity she can think of when the small clearing just off the trail is deserted. It’s kind of the perfect place for a picnic. There’s a clear view of the lake, which looks gorgeous as the sun starts to set over it. The ground isn’t overly rocky or uneven, and there’s a large log for them to sit on or against.

They get the blankets spread out, Regina waving off Janis’ offer to help her set the food out. As she sets out the food, she makes sure to keep the inside of the basket out of Janis’ line of sight so the second part of the date can stay a surprise.

“I had Karen help out with the food,” she says. “So it should all be edible.”

“This is amazing,” Janis says, marveling at the spread of food and the view. “I love it.”

The little bit of tension Regina had been holding, a tiny bit of worry that Janis wouldn’t like it, fades into nothing. She makes them both plates, serving a little bit of everything Karen made.

“Great!” Regina says brightly. “I know how much you like being outside, so I thought a picnic would be a good idea.”

Janis takes a bite of her food, waiting until she’s done chewing to say, “A picnic is great, and a picnic where I don’t have to worry about food poisoning is even better.”

She winks at Regina, who scoffs at the teasing.

They settle into the blankets, sitting next to each other against the log so they can look out at the lake. As they watch the sun go down. Janis leans against Regina’s side. Heart tripping in her chest, Regina raises an arm, wrapping it around Janis’ shoulders and leaning her head against Janis’.

Janis takes a couple of photos of the sunset, and Regina can already see the artist’s brain planning out a project based on the view. Regina smiles to herself. That’s exactly why she chose this spot – she wanted Janis to enjoy the beauty of it, and her girlfriend being inspired to create something as a result is even better. Regina takes some sneaky pictures of her own, all of Janis lit by the warm oranges and pinks of the setting sun. She makes one her phone background, a photo of Janis’ profile mostly in shadow with the sky looking like a watercolor painting behind her.

When they’re done eating and the sun has mostly gone down, Regina packs away the food and all the trash. She gets out a few candles and hands them as well as a lighter to Janis. Working inside the picnic basket, Regina starts to get the final activity ready.

“Can you light these and kind of place them around where we’re sitting while I get set up?”

Janis takes them, putting the candles down immediately so she can play with the lighter. “What are you getting set up?”

Regina raises an eyebrow. “Have I told you literally any other details about this date?”

Janis lights a candle and sets it next to her, crawling across the blankets to put one on the other side. “No?”

“What makes you think I’ll start now?”

“Because I’m cute and irresistible and I’m being very helpful by lighting these candles?”

She has the candles all lit, providing just enough light to see around the clearing without being too bright to mess up the second part of the date, just like Regina hoped. Dropping the small remote she was messing with back into its holder, Regina makes her way to Janis. Kneeling next to her, Regina pulls her into a kiss, heavy and open-mouthed from the start. She meant for it to be quick, but by the time she pulls away, Janis is half reclined, hair messy and beanie somewhere on the blanket, as Regina hovers over her. Attempting to act like she meant to do that instead of accidentally getting carried away, Regina sits up and rakes a hand through her hair.

“I’m still not telling you what we’re doing but thank you for being so good and helpful.”

Janis whimpers and tries to turn it into a noise of agreement. It’s only partially successful, and Regina smirks at her as she stands up.

Returning to the picnic basket, Regina pulls out a white sheet.  She takes it over to one of the trees in the clearing, the lowest branch thankfully the perfect height that she doesn’t have to strain too much to drape the sheet over it. After making sure there are no wrinkles in it, Regina pulls a small projector out of the basket. She sets it up close to where their feet will be, playing with the lens to ensure the picture is clear.

That done, she looks up to find Janis watching her. “An outdoor theater?” She asks, a little bit of awe in her voice.

Regina shrugs, plugging in the little flash drive with the movie on it into the side of the projector. The start menu for The Handmaiden flashes onto the screen, Janis’ mouth dropping open in surprise.

“I’ve been begging you to watch this for like a month!” Janis says.

“I know. You constantly talk about how much you love it, so I figured it’d be good to watch together?”

Regina suddenly gets nervous that this date isn’t enough. They’ve done more exciting dates already (courtesy of their friends who, in addition to putt-putt, somehow got Regina to do a ropes course), so she thought something lowkey would be nice. She’s doubting that thought process now.

Janis gets up from the blankets and hugs Regina, tucking her head under her chin and wrapping her arms around Regina’s waist.

“This is great. I can’t wait to watch this with you.”

Regina sinks into the hug. “Good. We should start it soon, though. I still have to get you home by 10:30.”

“We do technically have until eleven,” Janis points out.

“And I don’t want to risk your mom getting mad at me. So we’re going to be back at 10:30.”

Giggling, Janis pulls Regina to the blankets. She curls close to Regina’s side, hands wrapped around her waist and head resting against Regina’s chest. Once they’re both comfortable, Regina hits play.

Janis was right when she first told Regina she’d enjoy the movie. Regina loved it. The costumes, the visuals, the betrayal. It hooked her from the first moment.

As the movie ends, Janis looks over at her with a smug smile. “So? What’d you think?” Her voice implies she already knows the answer.

“I might have a new favorite movie,” Regina says, kind of dazed. “That was awesome.”

They talk about their favorite moments as they pack up their things. Sometimes, they talk over each other, both so excited about a scene that they can’t wait to get their thoughts out.

“It was based on a book,” Janis reveals as they make their way back to the Jeep. “I can loan you my copy if you want. Just, you know, ignore all the notes I’ve made in the margins.” She laughs, a little embarrassed.

“I don’t want to ignore your notes, though. I want to know what you thought.” Regina pauses, thinking. “Would you mind if I made my own notes in the book? That way the next time you read it, you can see what I was thinking too?”

Janis skip steps in excitement. “I like that idea. I can bring you the book tomorrow?”

“Looking for an excuse to see me again?” Regina teases.

Janis knocks their shoulders together. “As if I need an excuse.”

The ride back to Janis’ house is quiet. Janis sings along to the radio again; Regina hums along to songs she knows, smiling when Janis harmonizes with her.  

Regina pulls up to Janis’ house just before 10:30. She parks in the driveway, the only light in the car coming from the radio and the light above Janis’ front door.

“Right on time,” she says smugly.

“This is in no way on time,” Janis replies. “I had a really nice time tonight, baby.”

Regina blushes, looking down at her hands. “So it was a good first but not quite first date?”

“That’s a mouthful, but yes. It was an amazing first date.”

Regina leans over the center console. “Since it was amazing, does that mean I get to kiss you goodnight?”

Janis pulls her in. “Of course it does,” she murmurs against Regina’s lips just before she kisses her.

Janis tries to deepen the kiss, but Regina pulls away. Janis tilts her head in confusion.

“Sorry,” she says, casting a glance at the house. “I can’t stop thinking about your mom watching us.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

Janis kisses her one more time before climbing out of the car.

“Goodnight, Jan,” Regina says.

“Goodnight, sweetheart,” Janis answers, the pet name turning Regina to mush (surprising, because the one time Shane tried calling her that she practically tore him a new one). “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you then,” Regina breathes.

Regina waits in the driveway until Janis is inside. She drives home with a wide smile on her face.

Regina’s phone rings. At first, she doesn’t notice it buzzing on the bathroom counter, too focused on putting on her makeup. When she does notice, she stares at it in confusion. She’s not sure the last time she got a phone call. Not a FaceTime, an actual phone call. Damian’s contact photo flashes on the screen. Frozen in her shock, she doesn’t quite reach the phone before it stops ringing. It starts up again a moment later, Damian calling her again.

“Damian?” she says as she answers. “Why the fuck are you calling me? I’ll see you in literally twenty minutes.”

“Do not come pick me up today,” he cries, sounding about two seconds away from a breakdown.

Regina doesn’t know what’s going on, and Damian’s panicked muttering to himself is concerning, to say the least.

“What’s wrong? Are you good?”

“Tomas told me he’d drive me to school today. Fifteen minutes before he’s going to get here! I need more warning than that! This is what I get for going out with a jock, they just don’t get it. I need to look hot, and I was not dressing to impress you bitches this morning.”

Through the speaker, she can hear him tossing things around his room. He’s probably got clothes strewn all over his bed. His breathing is quick and labored, whether from being worked up or the exertion of running around his room like a tornado Regina isn’t sure. Making eye contact with herself in the mirror, Regina looks insane – her makeup is half done, and the bewildered expression on her face only makes the contrast worse.

“Are you going to be able to be, like, calm about this? You sound like you’re two seconds away from passing out.”

“Yes, it’ll be fine!” The strangled yell does nothing to convince Regina.

“You sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure! I’d rather ride with him than have to sit in the sexual tension-mobile with you and Janis.”

Ok, rude.

“See you at school then?” she asks instead of snapping at him. He’s stressed, she gets it.

“Yeah, yeah,” he rushes out. “I’ll see you then. Now stop distracting me!”

“You’re the one –” The dial tone interrupts her. “Who called me,” she finishes to empty air.

Rolling her eyes, Regina goes back to getting ready.

~~~~~

Pulling up outside Janis’ house, Regina texts Janis to let her know she’s here. When Janis comes out, she goes to climb in the back seat like she normally does, pulling up short when she sees the passenger side is empty.

“Where’s Damian?” she asks, climbing into the front and tossing her bag into the backseat.

“He’s getting a ride from his boytoy of the month,” Regina says. She leans over the center console and kisses Janis. “Good morning, J.”

Regina pulls away and watches Janis’ eyes flutter open.

“That’s a good way to start the morning,” Janis says.

Regina starts backing out of the driveway. “I think so too.”

Once they’re properly on their way to school, Janis grabs Regina’s hand from where it’s resting on the gear shift. She pulls it into her lap.

“I can’t believe Damian didn’t mention anything to me,” she says, sounding distinctly put out.

“He barely told me. I got a half coherent phone call when I was getting dressed this morning.” She thinks for a moment. “Could be another attempt to get us alone, though.”

Regina is getting increasingly suspicious whenever one of her friends does something that ends with her and Janis alone.

“So, what? He convinced Tomas to drive him this morning just so we had twenty minutes in a car together?”

Janis has a point. Plus, the panic in Damian’s voice sounded very real.

“Eh, probably not. I’m just paranoid.”

Janis laughs, pressing a kiss to the back of Regina’s hand. “Their constant scheming is getting to you, huh?”

“Maybe just a little.”

They spend the rest of the drive joking around. Janis almost loses music privileges again when she starts playing bluegrass just to get a reaction out of Regina. Despite that, they make it to school in one piece. Regina parks the Jeep and turns to Janis.

“You think Damian will be upset if I don’t drive him anymore?” she wonders. “I liked it being just the two of us.”

“Even when I –”

“Janis,” Regina says with a shark-sharp smile. “Don’t bring up the music if you want to still have a girlfriend.”

Janis doesn’t look cowed at all. “Whatever you say, babe.”

Laughing, she jumps out of the car. Regina shakes her head and follows her into school.

Apparently his man friend can’t drive him home, so Damian catches a ride with Regina. After dropping Damian off at home, Regina heads to Janis’ place. They’re hanging out under the guise of having a project due soon, but mostly Regina’s planning on napping, curled around Janis on the couch, while Janis watches one of her cheesy action shows. As they enter the garage, Janis tosses her backpack to the side before flinging herself onto the couch, limbs thrown every which way.

“They’re barely bothering to be sneaky anymore,” she complains. “Damian straight up asked me if anything happened this morning. No little eyebrow wiggle or stupid euphemism or anything.”

So much for Regina’s nap. She settles on the couch next to Janis’ feet (Janis is so short she doesn’t even reach the end of the couch).

“Maybe they’re getting tired of us not doing anything?”

Janis snorts derisively. “They don’t seem to be getting tired of it by the way they insist on doing it every single day. Like, I enjoy messing with them, but I just want one day of them not trying to push us into something or asking how things are going.”

“We could just tell them?” Regina’s fine with keeping it private, and she’s not going to lie and say it’s not entertaining to watch their best friends scramble while trying to force them together. But it’s not like she’s opposed to them knowing. She’s had time to settle into actually dating Janis, and the urge to hoard her happiness and keep it close has faded for the most part.

Janis sits up, an offended look on her face. “No, Regina! We can’t just tell them. They need a taste of their own medicine.”

“And how are we going to do that?”

Janis’ brow furrows as she thinks. She’s taking this so seriously. Grinning, Regina reaches out and smooths the wrinkle on her forehead. Janis’ face goes slack and she tilts her head like a confused puppy. Regina pulls her hand away, taking a moment to cup her cheek and wink before she breaks the contact.

“Sorry, you’re just cute. Go back to thinking,” Regina says, waving her hands in a shooing motion.

Janis gapes at her for a second before shaking her head and flopping back onto the couch. She mutters to herself every so often, feet tapping against the side of Regina’s leg. Regina just leans back against the couch and scrolls through her phone, waiting for Janis to come up with whatever master plan she thinks will get back at their friends.

“We should pretend like we’re fighting!” Janis crows.

She startles Regina, making her almost drop her phone. Regina takes a deep breath, pretending that her heart isn’t beating a million miles an hour from the scare.

“Fighting?”

“Yeah, like we had an argument or something. We could make snippy comments where Gretchen and Damian can hear them, and maybe you could sit with the lacrosse team during lunch.”

“What would we even fight about?” Regina asks instead of focusing on her other reservations.

Regina can see the vision, but she’s not looking forward to fighting with Janis, even if it is fake. It’s too close to their old behaviors. She doesn’t want it to accidentally bring up any old feelings.

“I don’t think we should fight about anything big, obviously. Maybe we can –” she trails off, frowning. “Okay, give me a second to think about it.”

A few minutes pass, Regina working through her own reservations while Janis thinks. She trusts Janis. They won’t be actually fighting. If either of them say something hurtful, they can call a timeout or discuss it later – Regina will make sure to talk about it with Janis so they’re on the same page. It’ll be fine. Maybe it’ll even be fun.

“I got it!” Janis sits up, scooting closer to Regina. “We can fight about the whole lacrosse thing taking up your time.”

“You mean fight about the very thing you were annoyed about a few weeks ago?” Regina asks, doubtful.  

“We’ve already worked through it, so it’s perfect!”

“You sure it won’t bring up any lingering issues?” Regina’s over it since she never even realized it was an issue until Janis talked about it, but Janis had been so bothered that she had gotten downright mean. She doesn’t want this fake fight to bring any of that back.

Janis smiles slyly, pulling Regina in so she can press a kiss to her jaw. She lingers and Regina tilts her head to give her more room. When Janis speaks, her lips brush against Regina’s skin, sending pleasant shivers up and down her spine. Regina reaches out, a hand clutching at Janis’ side to anchor herself. They’re in the middle of a conversation. She can’t get distracted.

“Why would I be bothered anymore? I’m the only one who gets to see you like this. What is there to be jealous about?”

“You never had any reason to be jealous,” Regina gasps.

Regina can’t help but turn her head, capturing Janis’ lips with hers. They don’t get much planning done (and Regina never gets her nap), but Regina still considers the afternoon a success.

~~~~~

Janis doesn’t catch a ride with them the next morning. She doesn’t text the group chat about it either.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Damian asks as she drives past the turn to Janis’ house.

“Nope,” Regina says, dismissive.

“Did you talk to Janis already this morning?” There’s something like hope in his voice, even as it’s shadowed by confusion.

“Nope.”

“Then why aren’t you going to get her?”

“Why don’t you ask her, Damian? I’m not her goddamn keeper.”

Regina’s good at being mean. She doesn’t like having to direct it towards her friend but imagining the sly expression on Janis’ face as they had video chatted and planned last night after Regina went home at least makes it slightly easier.

“What pissed in your cheerios this morning?” Damian mutters.

Damian spends the rest of the drive very pointedly ignoring her. He huffs every so often, turning his back dramatically on her to look out the window. He repeatedly peeks over his shoulder like he’s trying to check if she’s willing to talk about it. He’s not too upset if he’s acting that way. Regina knows what Damian looks like when he’s actually angry with her. This is just him trying to guilt her into talking.

~~~~~

In between classes, Regina makes sure Gretchen and Karen catch her giving Janis dirty looks when they pass in the hall. Gretchen always looks like she wants to question Regina about it, but Regina’s had her bitch face down to a science since freshman year – it’s good enough that even Gretchen doesn’t want to risk pressing the issue in case Regina blows up at her instead.

Janis is already at the lunch table with everyone else when Regina gets there. Instead of going up and letting everyone know she’s sitting with the lacrosse players, Regina very clearly ignores them, acting like the table doesn’t exist as she passes it to sit with the team. She sits next to Tori, the head bitch expression bleeding into a smile as she’s pulled into a conversation.

She can see Janis at the lunch table rolling her eyes as Gretchen and Damian talk at her. Her jaw is clenched, and she looks genuinely angry – Janis is good at this. Honestly, Regina would be worried if Janis didn’t make eye contact with her and wink the second Gretchen and Damian’s attention turned elsewhere.

Half of her attention stays on her friends the whole time, so she catches each instance of Gretchen and Damian looking between her and Janis with unhappy expressions on their faces.

It looks like Janis’ plan is working out perfectly.

~~~~~

Regina leaves her last class of the day and heads straight for Janis’ locker. Janis is already waiting for her, a wide smile on her face when she notices Regina walking up. Regina scopes out the hall, making sure none of their friends are around.

She stands in front of Janis, who’s leaning against her locker, close enough to reach out and touch. She holds herself back, though.

Regina says, “How’s your day been?”

“Oh, y’know. Good, besides the fact that there’s this asshole who keeps giving me a hard time in between classes.”

Regina giggles. “Want me to beat her up for you?”

“I don’t know,” Janis teases. “She seems tough – I’m not sure you could take her.”

“I can’t believe you’re doubting me. You should know by now that your girlfriend is pretty tough too, she plays lacrosse and everything.”

“I’ll make sure she knows that she’s in danger of getting her ass kicked by my very chivalrous partner, then.”

“You better.” Regina can’t resist reaching out for Janis anymore and brushes her fingers against the back of Janis’ knuckles. A small point of contact, easy to hide, but enough for now. “What’s the plan here?”

“Usually Damian meets me here like two minutes after class lets out, but I think he’s grabbing everyone else since we’ve been acting so off today. We’ve probably got like three more minutes?” Janis makes a face, screwing up her mouth and wrinkling her nose as she thinks. “We should be in the middle of a fight when they get here. Don’t want it to look like we started just because they walked up.”

Regina likes Janis’ devious side. It’s fun.

“Sir yes sir.”

Regina is still nervous about fighting with Janis. Despite all their acting today, they haven’t actually argued yet. Janis doesn’t look bothered at all, a light in her eyes that tells Regina she’s almost excited about it.

“Do we just start?” Regina asks.

“Yeah.”

Like an actor preparing for a role, Janis bounces on the balls of her feet and shakes out her arms. The playfulness disappears from her face, a surly frown settling there instead. Regina blinks in surprise at the ease with which Janis flipped into anger.

“What’s your problem, Regina?” Janis asks, bitchy all the way through.

Deep breaths. She’s got to make this good for Janis.

“My problem?” Regina says, crossing her arms. “You’re one to talk. One second everything is fine and the next it’s like we’re back to you hating me. It’s like you hate seeing me have a good time if it doesn’t involve you.”

Janis laughs, sarcastic and mean. “Oh, that’s rich. You’re capable of having a good time? I didn’t know that was a possibility without you –”

Janis pauses, and Regina can see her fighting down laughter before she goes back to her combative stance.

“I didn’t know that was a possibility without you torturing babies or something.”

Torturing babies? Janis, what even? Regina thinks, making herself frown even deeper just to keep from breaking.

“Maybe it’s just hard for me to have a good time around you, did you ever think about that? If you were more exciting, maybe I wouldn’t have to go to Tori and the other lacrosse players to actually enjoy myself.”

“I’m surprised they even want to hang out with you. It’s probably just because Tori wants in your pants.”

Regina tracks the angry slant of Janis’ mouth, the jealous heat in her eyes as she sneers at Regina. Regina was wrong to be worried about this, she realizes as an all too familiar heat spreads low in her hips. Even with the utter ridiculousness they’re both spewing, Janis is hot when she’s angry, shining and alive in a way that makes Regina start to lose her train of thought. This was not a reaction she expected, but she gets the feeling she probably shouldn’t be surprised. She has to remind herself that now is not the time to take a step forward and pin Janis to the lockers. She’s supposed to be angry with her.

“You’re acting like a child, Janis,” Regina says, trying to stay on task. She digs her nails into her arms to keep her hands from reaching out.

From the corner of her eye, she can see Gretchen, Damian, Karen, and Cady approaching them. Janis was right about Damian grabbing everyone. From the minuscule tilt of her head towards them, Regina can tell Janis has noticed their approach too.

“I’m acting like a child? If it bothers you so much to hang out with someone so immature or whatever, why don’t you go hangout with your new best friends?”

“Jan, don’t be like that. You know I –”

“Don’t Jan me when you’re the one being a bitch! I’m not the one who –”

“Okay!” Damian says, pushing in between them. “What the hell is going on?!”

“Why don’t you ask her?” they say at the same time.

It’s all Regina can do to keep from laughing. Janis covers her own giggle with a scoff, rolling her eyes and roughly pulling out of Damian’s grasp.

“I’m not talking about this,” Regina declares, also pulling away from Damian. “Do you want a ride, D?”

She purposefully doesn’t include Janis in her question.

“I really think we should talk about this,” Gretchen hazards.

Regina brushes her off. “Not interested in talking through my feelings right now, Gretchen.”

Regina looks over. Gretchen looks sad, and part of Regina wavers in her dedication to this prank. It’s not like she wants to genuinely upset her friends. It’ll be fine, she has to remind herself. They’re only doing it for a couple days – if Gretchen and Damian don’t confront them about it, they’ll pretend to make up and everything will be fine.

Regina catches Karen looking between her and Janis. The calculating expression looks out of place on her normally carefree, almost vacant face. They need to get out of here before Karen puts the pieces together.

Regina turns so she’s not fully facing Karen. Damian is still looking uncertain.

“Damian,” Regina asks, acting slightly impatient. “Do you want a ride?”

He looks at Janis, the two best friends having a quick silent conversation that ends with Janis waving him towards Regina.

“Sure, Regina. Janis, how are you getting home?”

“Not with her, that’s for sure. I’ll get my mom to come get me or something.”

They’re good at this whole fake fighting thing.

“You can catch a ride with me,” Gretchen offers. “I don’t mind driving you home.”

Regina spins on her heel, trusting that Damian will follow behind her. Once they’re in the car, Regina acts like nothing ever happened. She can tell it confuses Damian, but he doesn’t ask. 

~~~~~

Thursday is more of the same, Regina and Janis snarking at each other whenever one of their friends are in earshot.

While Regina expected some sort of intervention from her friends, she didn’t expect Gretchen to accost her on her way to lunch.

“I’m sick of this, Regina!” she says, pulling Regina along by her wrist. “What I’m about to do is for your own good, I need you to know that.”

“What are you going to do?”

Gretchen doesn’t answer. Regina assumes they’re getting close to whatever classroom she’s going to be dragged into when she sees Damian pulling a similarly befuddled Janis down the hall towards them. Gretchen pushes Regina into a classroom, sending her stumbling a few steps before she regains her balance. Janis follows a moment later. They both turn to the open doorway. Gretchen and Damian block the exit, their arms crossed.

“You can come out once you’ve sorted whatever this shit is out,” Damian says, twirling a key around his finger. “This is the only room in the school that doesn’t lock from the inside, so don’t even bother trying to escape.”

“Where did you get that key?” Janis asks.

“Don’t worry about it. Worry about what you’re going to say to each other to fix this.”

Damian starts to shut the door. Standing up on her tiptoes, Gretchen looks over his shoulder at them.

“Please just talk!” She yells. “I promise it’ll help!”

The door shuts with a sense of finality, the lock clicking into place a moment later.

“Looks like it worked,” Regina says.

Janis laughs. “Yup. Who knew they’d resort to locking us in the chem lab, though. I can’t believe Damian straight up stole a key.”

“They must have really been desperate.”

Regina goes up to the door, looking through the window to check the hall. There’s no sign of Damian or Gretchen; they’re apparently content with the lock and don’t think they need to stick around.

When she turns back around, Janis is leaning against one of the lab tables looking supremely pleased with herself. “Looks like we’re stuck in here for a while. What do you want to talk about?”

Regina prowls towards Janis. “I think I have a better idea than just talking.”

Regina kisses Janis, pressing her hard against the table as she lets out all the pent-up energy from watching Janis’ anger these past two days. Janis responds just as ardently, mouth opening under Regina’s and hands grasping wherever they can reach. It’s easy to lose herself in the kiss, in the way Janis’ tongue slips into her mouth and makes her gasp.

Needing Janis closer, Regina breaks the kiss, forcing herself to ignore the displeased noise Janis makes as her arms try to pull Regina back in. Bending down slightly, Regina grabs Janis’ thighs and hoists her onto the table. Regina’s never appreciated the lab tables until now. They’re the perfect height, bringing Janis eye-level with Regina.

Janis grunts in surprise at the sudden movement, eyelashes fluttering. Regina steps between Janis’ legs, enjoying the way her knees come up to bracket Regina’s hips. One hand weaving through Janis’ hair and the other resting against her hip, Regina kisses her again, messy and wanting.

 Regina kisses across Janis’ face. She lets her tongue trail along the edge of Janis’ ear, enjoying the way the metal tang of her piercings contrasts with the warmth of Janis’ skin. She nips at Janis’ ear, smiling slightly when she feels Janis’ hips twitch against her.

“You’re sexy when you’re angry,” Regina pants.

“You’re – I’m –”

Janis gives up trying to talk as Regina presses open mouthed kisses up and down the smooth stretch of Janis’ neck. Regina can feel the vibrations of the noises Janis is stifling against her lips. She bites lightly, trying to see if she can get any of those sounds through her pretty, pouty lips.

“Regina,” Janis groans, honestly a better response than Regina was hoping for.

Hearing Janis say her name in that shaky, tremulous tone makes Regina hungry for more. She bites down harder, closer to where Janis’ neck meets her shoulder. Janis’ hands come up and pull her hair, and Janis whines, high-pitched and breathy. The dull pain and the sound of Janis against her make the embers burning low in her belly roar into an inferno. Regina pulls Janis in further, slotting their hips together even closer than they already were. Of course Janis likes the little stings of pain – Regina should have guessed.

Regina kisses her way from one shoulder to the other, laving her tongue across Janis’ collarbone and relishing in how it makes Janis shake.  Janis’ hands are all over her, short nails digging in when Regina manages to find a particularly sensitive spot.

The hands in her hair tug again, this time not letting up until Regina lifts her head. Janis looks wrecked – pupils wide, skin flushed, and her teeth sinking into her pink, kiss-swollen bottom lip. Regina kisses her again, sucking Janis’ lip into her mouth to replace Janis’ teeth with her own. Janis’ hips buck against Regina again, and Regina doesn’t bother to muffle the moan that rises in her throat.

Running her hands up Janis’ thighs, Regina tilts her head to kiss Janis deeper. Janis arches against her, shirt rising with the movement. Regina’s hands meet bare skin, and she freezes, not wanting to overstep. Janis doesn’t stop her or pull her hands away, does the opposite by sighing against Regina’s mouth and rubbing their noses together. She presses tiny kisses to Regina’s lips until she starts participating again, and Regina lets her hands run up and down the soft curve of Janis’ spine. Regina struggles to hang onto her sanity as the lace of Janis’ bra scratches against her fingers.

Janis pulls away, ducking her head to suck and nip what will probably be an impressive hickey into the skin of Regina’s neck. Regina can’t even bring herself to care about the mark, dragging her nails down Janis’ back. The action only makes the haze Regina’s fallen into worse as it makes Janis gasp, the noise fading into a deep moan.

“Fuck,” Regina whispers. She wants to make Janis sound like that over and over again. She kisses Janis again, swallowing all the sweet noises she makes. 

Regina loses herself in wave after wave of just Janis Janis Janis, and she never wants to come up for air.

 She’s not sure how long it’s been, and Regina can’t bring herself to care. This is all that matters.

“My eyes!” Damian cries out of nowhere.

Regina hadn’t heard him come in, hadn’t even heard the door open.

Regina and Janis spring apart, hurriedly straightening their clothes and trying to look like they hadn’t been close to doing something indecent at school. Janis’ face is bright red, her flush so deep Regina’s surprised there’s not steam coming off her. She’s so cute – Regina can’t help but lean over to press a quick kiss to her cheek.

Damian is standing at the front of the room, hand over his eyes as he yells about needing bleach.

“We’re decent, drama queen,” Regina says dryly. “You can look at us now.”

Damian doesn’t move at first. Slowly, he lowers his hand, eyes squinted mostly shut like Regina might be lying to him.

“I did not need to see any of that.” Damian declares.

“You’re the one who locked me in a classroom with my girlfriend,” Regina says with a shrug. The cat’s out of the bag, it’s not like she needs to keep it a secret anymore. “I’m not sure what you expected me to do.”

Like, she used to regularly get caught fucking Shane in various places around the school. She’s not sure why Damian expected that behavior to change.

(Thinking about it now, though, the idea of getting caught like that with Janis makes her uncomfortable, makes fear rear its head in the back of her mind. She doesn’t want to do the same with Janis – this current situation notwithstanding. It freaks her out. Uncertainty takes root. Should she be comfortable with it, since she used to not care with her exes? Is it wrong that she’s not?)

“Girlfriend ?” Damian exclaims, his voice almost reaching a pitch only dogs can hear and knocking Regina back into the current situation. “What do you mean girlfriend?”

“I didn’t think that was something that would need explanation,” Janis says.

Damian’s mouth drops open as he stares at them. “You – you guys are – since – what – how did this happen?!”

His surprise makes Janis laugh. “A couple Thursdays ago. After we dropped you at home one afternoon.”

But that’s,” Damian does some quick calculations. “That’s before we even went for coffee! I can’t believe you bitches didn’t tell anyone!”

Janis shrugs, smiling innocently at him. “You guys didn’t exactly give us a chance to tell you before you left us at the coffee shop.”

“And after that?”

Janis, recovered from the mortification of Damian catching them, says, “It was fun to mess with you. Everyone had their nose in our business, so we decided to get you guys back.”

“You are telling me everything later, Janis ‘Imi’ike,” Damian says, wagging a finger at her. “After I bleach my eyes and try to forget what I just walked in on.”

“Should have knocked,” Regina says, not an ounce of regret on her face.

Regina’s not going to apologize. Her girlfriend is hot. Regina reacted accordingly.

“Can I – I need to go tell Gretchen. She’s not going to believe this.”

“You ready for this?” Regina asks as Damian sprints from the room.

Janis takes her hand, weaving their fingers together. “Yeah, it’ll be nice having everyone know.”

A couple minutes later, the group chat is going crazy. Neither of their phones stop buzzing for more than five seconds at a time, and Regina’s surprised the room isn’t being mobbed by their friends. They finally silence the buzzing, stuffing their phones deep into their bags to deal with later.

“So,” Regina says, closing the door to the room before hopping onto a table. “Class doesn’t start for another ten.”

Janis looks slyly at her. “You have an idea of how we can pass the time?”

Regina reaches out, pulling Janis close when she takes her hand. Janis stands between her legs, free hand resting on the table beside Regina’s hip. Pressing a kiss to the back of Janis’ hand, Regina looks at her through her lashes.

“You’re really lucky,” she says. “You have a girlfriend who’s full of good ideas on how to keep you occupied.”

No matter what Janis claims, it is not Regina’s fault they end up late to class. It’s Janis’ fault for being so distracting.

The door to Regina’s room flies open violently. The doorstop is the only thing that keeps it from making a dent in her wall. Regina jumps, the book she was reading flying into the air as she yelps.

“Regina George,” Gretchen cries, standing in the doorway with her arms crossed. “You dirty slut.”

“What the fuck?”

Regina tries to figure out what’s going on, still scrambled from the scare. She grabs her book, mourning that she lost her place. Setting it on the bedside table, Regina looks at Gretchen.

“Why are you here and why are you yelling at me?”

Gretchen comes into the room, closing Regina’s bedroom door much more gently than she opened it. She sits at the base of Regina’s bed, crossing her legs. Regina watches her warily.

“You’ve been dating Janis for weeks – actual, literal weeks – and you didn’t tell me?!”

Regina has been expecting this conversation. Granted, she hadn’t expected this kind of confrontation, but she can adapt.

“In my defense –”

Gretchen interrupts her. “I’m your best friend! You have to tell me these things.”

“Gretchen, I’m dating Janis,” Regina deadpans. “There, happy?”

“I have questions. And you better answer them as like…like an apology for not telling me sooner.” Gretchen tilts her head to the side. “Actually, you didn’t even fucking tell me! I found out from Damian!”

Regina defends herself. “It’s not like I wouldn’t have told you myself. Damian just ran out of the room like a bat out of hell and beat me to it. I didn’t want to steal his thunder.”

Gretchen glowers. “I guess that’s fair.”

Regina tucks her legs under herself, settling into what she feels is going to be a long discussion. “What questions do you have?”

Gretchen tosses out questions rapid fire. “How did it happen?” “Who made the first move?” “Did you ask Janis out or did Janis ask you out?” “Have you guys gone on a date yet?”

Question after question. It’s all Regina can do to keep up with them. She answers best she can, tripping over her words when Gretchen butts in with follow-up questions.

Absently, she wonders if Janis is going through the same thing with Damian. For all she knows, Damian and Gretchen coordinated questions. It seems like something Gretchen would do, and Regina has no doubt she’d be able to convince Damian to go along with it.

Regina would like to say she hopes Janis is having an easier time, but Regina knows Damian. There’s no way he’s anywhere near calm. Gretchen looks like she’s itching to take notes on everything Regina says, and she gets the sense that their best friends will be comparing notes later. If that’s the case, Regina can imagine Damian furiously writing on a notepad, dressed up like a detective. She wouldn’t put it past him.

“Really though,” Gretchen says as her questions finally slow. “I’m happy for you. You guys work, like, disgustingly well. And I’ve never seen you this happy. It’s a good look.”

Regina beams at her. “It’s a good feeling.”

Gretchen has a couple more questions, but these feel less like an interrogation. They’re more an invitation for Regina to gush about the past few weeks, and she grabs the opportunity with both hands, spilling about everything that’s been going on.

“It’s not as scary as I thought it would be,” Regina admits. “Maybe that’s because it’s Janis or something? I don’t know. But it’s almost easy.”

Gretchen laughs. “You made it a lot harder for yourself – and everyone else – I think. You overthought a bunch instead of following your heart.”

“First of all – cheesy as hell. Second – what do you mean everyone else?”

Gretchen looks at her incredulously. “You know how fed up you were with Karen and me when we were figuring everything out?”

“Yeah,” Regina says, suspicious.

“You and Janis were a million times harder to deal with.”

They couldn’t have been that bad.

Regina’s doubt must be all over her face because Gretchen shoots her a look and snorts out a laugh.

“You were that bad. We were at our literal wits end waiting for either of you to get your acts together. Why do you think we started trying to push you together?”

Regina crosses her arms. Janis was right. Their friends did deserve to be pranked.

The uncomfortable realization Regina came to after Damian caught them in the classroom continues to nag at Regina. After school one day when Janis is over, Regina gathers her courage to bring it up.

They’re sitting on her bed, sitting in comfortable silence while they each do homework. Janis is cross-legged on top of the duvet, papers spread around her in disarray. Regina snaps her laptop shut. Her hands shake as she places the laptop on the floor beside the bed, and she takes a deep breath to steady herself.

Janis won’t be mad, she tries to convince herself. And if she’s upset, we’ll talk about it. It’ll be fine.

It only partially works.

Janis is still absorbed in her work, holding a pen between her teeth while she scrolls through her notes on her laptop to fill in her paper worksheet.

“Does it bother you?” Regina asks, making Janis jump and drop her pen. “That I don’t, like, hold your hand and kiss you and all that shit at school? Or anywhere, really.”

Janis pushes her laptop to the side. Looking at Regina, she reaches out and pulls Regina’s hand into her lap, playing with her fingers. She doesn’t say anything at first, just calmly looks at Regina as she thinks. Regina appreciates that she’s not just automatically answering. She wants Janis’ real thoughts, not her knee-jerk reaction that might be meant to placate Regina’s worries. Her thumb brushes against the inside of Regina’s wrist in a calming pattern.

“Remember when there was that whole rumor going on about you being queer earlier this year?”

Regina blinks in surprise. That wasn’t where she expected Janis to start.

“Uh, yeah?”

Janis’ eyes are focused on their joined hands. “We talked about how invasive it can feel to have people speculate about you and just generally be involved in shit that doesn’t concern them.”

Janis pauses and looks at Regina. The memory of that talk is a bit fraught with panic, like she has to view it through frosted glass. But she remembers the discussion and nods at Janis.

“I’m tired of being part of the school gossip. I don’t need to kiss you at your locker to know we’re together.”

It helps, but that worry still nags at Regina.

“But what if that changes?” she says, voice small. “What if it does matter one day? I’m sorry. I’m just – I’m scared.”

“What brought this on?” Janis says, confused. “Did I do something?”

Regina rushes to reassure her. “It’s nothing you did. It’s my own brain just, I don’t know, catastrophizing or something.”

Janis gets up and disappears into Regina’s closet. Confused, Regina waits for her to get back. Janis comes out with the music box Gretchen gave her years ago. Standing in front of Regina, she opens it, the familiar tune twinkling through the air, and grabs something inside. She hands Regina the little rainbow pin from before they fell apart. Regina didn’t even know Janis knew that was there.

“You kept this for all the years we weren’t talking,” Janis says. “That means something. You held onto us in some small way, even when we were enemies. You hid it really well, but you still cared somewhere beneath all that plastic. Or maybe something in you knew the truth about yourself so you kept it. Either way, it was present, even if you kept it in your closet.

“I don’t mind that we’re kind of like this pin, here but out of sight. Why would I care about the idiots at school when I have you? When we get to have this? Our relationship is no one’s business but ours, and we’re already out to the important people. It doesn’t bother me that we don’t do all the cliché shit other couples do at school.”

Relief floods Regina’s body, tears springing to her eyes. She would have tried to be better about PDA if Janis was bothered by it, but she’d be lying if the thought of being so open doesn’t make her nervous.

She accepts herself, but she’s still uncertain about being out out at school.

She doesn’t want to force herself to do things she’s uncomfortable with. Regina knows that could just end in her spiraling and doing something she’d regret.

“I was worried I was holding you back,” she admits, looking at the pin in her hand instead of at Janis. “Like forcing you back into the closet or something.”

“Gina, no,” Janis murmurs. “Of course you’re not doing any of that. Soon we’ll be done with this shitty school, and one day both of us will be comfortable holding hands and kissing and all that sappy shit in public, and everything will be great. We’ll get to have that one day, I know it. I can wait until you’re ready. I waited for ages just to be with you,” she jokes, a hand tilting Regina’s chin up so she can smile at her. “This is nothing.”

A tear tracks down Regina’s face as she tries to smile back at Janis. She doesn’t think she’s heard anyone sound so certain and hopeful about the future, especially not about a future with her.

The hand on her chin moves to cup the curve of her jaw. Janis leans in. Her lips, delicate and warm, press against Regina’s forehead. She lingers there. Regina’s eyes flutter shut and her shoulders drop from where they’ve been hiked up around her ears. One hand grips the rainbow pin tight and the other comes up to wrap around Janis’ back.

After a quiet moment, Janis pulls away, unable to go far because of Regina’s arm pulling her in. Regina doesn’t open her eyes immediately. She tilts forward, forehead coming to rest against Janis’ torso. She just wants to stay in this quiet peace she’s found for a little while longer.

Regina likes Janis. This is one of the laws of the universe as far as her friends are concerned. The sky is blue, grass is green, and Regina’s obsessed with Janis.

She’s a freak with weird ass make up and dumb grungy clothes and –

And and and

Regina could go on about Janis. Has talked about her to the point that her friends are probably tired of hearing about her. She’s not sure how she ever convinced herself she hated Janis, honestly. (She’ll never be over the years she spent trading dirty looks with Janis in the hall, the way she brought Janis down again and again. She’ll never be over the fact that Janis forgave her.)

That’s besides the point. Regina likes Janis. All she wants is to be with her, to kiss her and make sure she knows how much she matters to Regina. She’s just happy she gets the chance now.