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Erestor's father had always told him that being in love was nice. Caranthir had seemed cold and unpredictable to outsiders, but he had actually been a really gentle father.
He had told Erestor what it felt like to fall in love. That excitement that rose up in you whenever you saw the person you liked. The slight tingling, the will to suddenly pay attention to your appearance so that that someone would look at you. The red cheeks (although, as Erestor noted with a gentle smile, Caranthir's cheeks had always been red), the sudden stutter when you tried to speak.
It had always frightened Erestor. But it had also made him excited. Because even if people thought otherwise of him, he longed to be loved. He sometimes looked at Celebrían and Elrond, who seemed so happy and carefree together. And he wanted that too.
They could always rely on each other, got through everything together and showered each other with affection. And Erestor felt this longing in his heart. He wanted that too. He wanted to be loved and cherished and in return wanted to give all his being to another person. Like the people do in books all the time.
But not like this.
Because all of a sudden he felt all those things Caranthir had told him about so long ago, only these feelings were even stronger than he had ever imagined.
The only problem was the person he had fallen in love with. It was Glorfindel.
However, Glorfindel wasn't the problem at all, no, it was Erestor himself.
Why had he fallen in love with another ellon and not with an elleth? That couldn't be normal. He had never heard of such a thing.
But as much as he wanted to ignore these feelings, he couldn't. Glorfindel and he worked together all the time and Glorfindel liked to put an arm around Erestor, although Erestor always had to restrain himself from simply leaning against Glorfindel.
He hadn't been able to sleep for a few days now and his work was getting worse by the minute.
And slowly he was no longer sure what he was supposed to be doing.
"Erestor? "Elrond eyed him anxiously. He had asked Erestor to talk to him about something, but because of the lack of sleep, Erestor was finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate, no matter how hard he tried.
"Yes, Lord Elrond," he said, trying to stifle a yawn.
Elrond sighed and leant back a little in the chair behind his desk. "I have noticed that you have been... different lately. You do not seem to be sleeping well. Are bad dreams haunting you, my friend? If yes, we can talk about it, I have my own fair share of nightmares."
Erestor could barely bear Elrond's worried look. If only he knew how wrong everything was Erestor felt. If only he knew how abnormal he was. "Everything is alright thank you." Erestor said and his heart tightened. How much he would have liked to confide his worries to someone. But he couldn't.
Elrond rubbed his forehead. "You are almost as stubborn as Maedhros." he muttered before continuing louder. "I know something is wrong. Everyone realised it. Glorfindel spoke to me about it yesterday."
"Glorfindel? "Erestor asked, hating how high his voice was suddenly. He tried to keep the heat out of his face, but it only made his cheeks go even warmer.
Elrond nodded slowly and frowned briefly at the strange look on Erestor's face. "Yes, Glorfindel. He is worried."
"Then please tell him he does not have to, I am fine," Erestor said.
Glorfindel was worried about him? Why did that thought alone give him goose bumps?
Why did it have to be like this? Why Glorfindel? He was everything Erestor could never be. Everything he could never have. Even if one of them was a woman, it wouldn't change the fact that Glorfindel was far too good for Erestor. Erestor had been trying to push the other elf away for days, but Glorfindel still cared about him.
Elrond had now stood up and stepped around his desk. "Are you sure you are all right? You are so pale," he said gently. "Please, my friend, take the day off."
"That is really not necessary, my lord, I can- "
But Elrond obviously didn't accept any protests, because he took the pile of papers Erestor was carrying in his arms from him.
Erestor knew when a fight was lost and he knew Elrond too well to expect him to give in after all.
"I will ask Lindir to complete some of your tasks. I am sure he will be happy to help, as he has also noticed that you are not well." he said and left the pile on his desk before returning to Erestor. He put an arm around him and led him to the door.
Before they reached the door, however, it suddenly swung open and Glorfindel practically stumbled in.
Erestor's heart leapt as he looked at him. The golden hair fell elegantly over Glorfindel's shoulders as always, the corners of his lips were curved into a gentle smile as usual and his cheeks were slightly flushed from running. This last point made Erestor feel quite warm. Had it been this stuffy in Elrond's office?
"I was wondering where you were. I thought we were supposed to meet in the library," Glorfindel said to Erestor, who didn't answer directly but stared at Glorfindel for a moment as if he were speaking another language.
His cheeks were as red as his father's had always been when he said: "I am sorry, I had forgotten- no, not forgotten, but I had- so- "
He normally never stuttered. Elrond also seemed to notice this strange behaviour, for he said, "That was my fault. I had to discuss something quickly with Erestor."
And then he grabbed Erestor's arm and pulled him back into his office. "We need to-" he seemed to think for a moment, "go through a few documents. Why do you not just wait outside for a moment?"
Glorfindel nodded and disappeared.
Erestor looked at the spot where he had just been standing for a few seconds and then turned to Elrond. He frowned at him. "What exactly- "
"You like Glorfindel." Elrond interrupted him. "That is what is going on!"
Erestor swallowed. "We all like Glorfindel, do we not?"
"But you LIKE Glorfindel. I am not blind, Erestor." Elrond said.
But somehow he was still smiling and didn't look like Elrond was disgusted of him, so Erestor plucked up his courage and asked nervously, "You do not think it is qrong or strange? You do not think I should be in love with an elleth?"
Now Elrond looked worried again. "No, not at all. Why do you think I would?"
"Is it not unnatural to feel something like that?" Erestor asked cautiously. "Should I not love a person of the opposite sex, Lord Elrond?"
"No." Elrond replied. His voice sounded so determined and firm that it almost struck Erestor. He could see how sure Elrond was and that he really meant it. Erestor had worked under Elrond long enough now to know when he really meant something, and now he did. "You know who Maedhros is?"
"My uncle, the son of Fëanor, one of your adoptive fathers," said Erestor, who had become a little dizzy. Elrond's face kept blurring before his eyes.
He nodded. "Exactly. "Erestor was unsure what that meant until Elrond said, "Fingon and he loved each other."
Fingon? "You mean Fingolfin's firstborn?" Erestor asked in amazement, his heart beating faster at the idea that there was someone like him.
"Yes." Elrond confirmed. "As far as I know, they never tied their fëa together, but that only out of fear. Fear that it would hurt even more if they lost each other. Maedhros told me they were sure that sooner or later one of them would leave Middle-earth and go to the halls of Mandos. But Maedhros also told me he would marry Fingon, if he also still wanted to, as soon as he saw him again, no matter how long it would take."
"So it is - so it is not," Erestor fell silent.
"Wrong?" Elrond finished the sentence questioningly, to which Erestor nodded. "No, I do not think so. In the end, it is not the hröa but the fëa of a person that you fall for. It has not happened often, but I think there are even rumours that Lalwen, Fëanor's sister, has bound herself to another elleth. So I do not think you need to worry about that, my friend."
Erestor nodded slightly. Just the thought that Elrond thought it was normal seemed to reassure him. And the knowledge that Uncle Maedhros was so much like him, even if Erestor had never met him, made him happy. At least no one in the family would think him mad, if he would ever meet them.
When Elrond had said that two elleths could also bond, a thought that had somehow never occurred to him before, Erestor had almost felt as if he might be normal after all.
The fact that Caranthir had fallen in love with a mortal had also struck some as odd, as had the rumours of Aegnor and Andreth, but in the end they had accepted it with a simple shrug of the shoulders. At least the elves around his father did.
Erestor exhaled slowly. "I think I understand. I am not unnatural."
"Well, some would say that you work unnaturally hard, but no. There is nothing wrong with you." Elrond smiled gently and then walked slowly back towards the door. "I think there is someone we need to convince that you are fine. I also want you to rest anyway, alright?"
Erestor sighed, but nodded.
"Good." Elrond opened the door.
Glorfindel stood on the other side of the corridor and took a closer look at the new blossoms on a nearby tree.
When he heard the door open, he immediately turned his head.
Elrond smiled and said, "You really do not need to worry Glorfindel, there is nothing wrong with Erestor, he just needs some sleep. Your job today is to make sure he gets it. Do not leave his side until he has slept for at least four hours. I would even prefer more hours, but we should start with small steps."
Do.
Not.
Leave.
His.
Side.
Erestor had just heard that right, hadn't he? Glorfindel was not allowed to leave his side. What- ?
Erestor saw Elrond wink at him out of the corner of his eye.
Meanwhile, Glorfindel's face had turned the colour of cranberries and his mouth was caught in a strange combination of a smile and a scowl.
"Yes, Lord Elrond. With pleasure. Well, I mean, it will be my pleasure to watch Erestor sleep- no, to make sure he actually sleeps."
Erestor felt his cheeks grow even warmer. He must be redder by now than the red robes Fëanor had worn in the potraits Caranthir had had of him.
But Glorfindel had probably just said this by accident. After all, he often stumbled over his own words, so Erestor was not surprised by this behaviour.
He was also a little more concerned with taking deep, long breaths to prevent his heart from pounding too hard, because he had the feeling that it was beating so loudly that Elrond and Glorfindel should have been able to hear it.
It took a while for Erestor to realise that Glorfindel was staring at him. His eyes lit up when he met Erestor's eyes and he smiled.
Erestor felt the corners of his mouth turn up to smile back, but he stopped them at the last moment and shook himself.
Only now did he realise that he and Glorfindel were now standing alone in the corridor. Elrond had obviously withdrawn quietly and secretly to his office.
Erestor swallowed.
Glorfindel sighed.
"I- I can go first, unless you want to- "
"No, no, go on," said Erestor and pushed Glorfindel along the corridor. When he was sure that the other elf wasn't looking, he put the cool backs of his hands on his burning cheeks.
They walked side by side in awkward silence for a while and Erestor tried to look everywhere but at Glorfindel.
But when they reached the door to Erestor's rooms, Glorfindel felt it necessary to break the silence. "Why has it become so strange between us Erestor?"
Because I'm strange.
Because I push you away from me so that it hurts less when you hate me.
Because I'm not worth you treating me so gently.
Because I love you and know that I can never have you.
But Erestor said none of this.
Instead he opened the door and stared at the handle for a few seconds before saying. "I have no idea what you are talking about." Then he stepped through the door and tried to pull it shut, but Glorfindel held it.
"Should I just wait outside the door?" he asked.
"What?"
"I am not supposed to leave your side, remember?" Glorfindel said gently, but any smile had left his face. It looked more like he was going to start crying at any moment.
Erestor had indeed completely forgotten Elrond's order. He let go of the door and beckoned Glorfindel in.
"You can read a book while I sleep," he said and didn't look in Glorfindel's direction again as he lay down in bed and pulled the blanket up to his chin, because it was the only way he could suppress the urge to hug Glorfindel.
Not only because Glorfindel had been sad, but also because Erestor simply longed so much for physical contact. For so long he had imagined what it would be like to exchange gentle touches with another person. And now the person from whom Erestor wanted such a touch was in his room, reading a book next to his bed.
And it wasn't just the physical contact but also the neglect of his fëa that made Erestor feel cold all the time. Especially when he should be sleeping. As if he was sinking in the middle of an icy lake and couldn't make it back to the surface where the sun could warm his skin.
He wished he could stretch out his fëa and touch Glorfindel's with it. Maybe then he would be able to sleep. Maybe then he would know what it was like to be loved. But he would never do that without Glorfindel's consent.
"I can hear you thinking," Glorfindel said softly.
Erestor sat up. "Then I could better go back to work, right? If I do not get any sleep anyway."
"No!" Glorfindel had jumped up and pushed Erestor back into his pillow. "You need to sleep."
"Let go of me!" roared Erestor and tried to push Glorfindel away from him, but with little success as Glorfindel lost his balance and fell onto Erestor.
It took him a moment to realise what had just happened.
He felt Glorfindel's chest rise and fall, pressed directly against his. The warmth from his body seeped into him and his scent gave Erestor, whose skin had begun to tingle pleasantly, the feeling of hope.
He had already forgotten all about his frustration.
He hadn't felt this warm since his Atar had cuddled him as a small child. Erestor had never believed that he would ever feel this warm again. So secure, as if he was really safe. As if everything was fine for the first time in a long while.
It was only when Glorfindel said softly, "Erestor?" that he realised he had started to cry.
A few silent tears rolled down his cheeks. There weren't many, but Glorfindel had never seen Erestor cry before, so it must have been quite a shock for him.
"Did I hurt you? I am so sorry!" Glorfindel tried to get up, but Erestor reacted in panic and clutched his fingers in Glorfindel's clothes to pull him close again. "Erestor? Is everything- "
"Don't go." was all Erestor could whimper softly. "Please don't go."
"O- okay." Glorfindel whispered before he could catch himself. He reached out a hand hesitantly and stroked a few tears from Erestor's cheek. "I am not going. I'm staying. Do not worry. I am staying."
And that was all it took for Erestor to fall asleep.
~•~
In his dreams, Erestor had repeatedly relived the moment when Glorfindel's warmth had suddenly enveloped him.
It had been a dream he did not wish to be woken up from for a long time, which is why he kept his eyes closed when he woke up.
It was so wonderfully warm that he could barely register what was happening around him. All he could sense was the warmth and that wonderful smell. He couldn't say exactly what he smelled, but Erestor associated some feelings with it. Safety, warmth, love and excitement.
But there was something even warmer. He could barely feel its presence, but it was there and he thought he could reach it with his mere thoughts.
Something in the back of his mind told him not to try to reach it, but why not?
So he reached for it. For this other, greater warmth.
A startled cry tore him from his half-sleep and it took him a moment to realise where he was.
He sat up and stared at an extremely shocked Glorfindel. "Your fëa- "
And that was when Erestor realised. He had reached out his fëa to Glorfindel's. That had been the warmth he had so desperately wanted to get to.
Erestor turned his gaze away from Glorfindel's very quickly. There was no way he wanted to see the look in Glorfindel's eyes when he realised everything. If he had touched Glorfindel with his fëa, it meant that Glorfindel had been able to sense some of his innermost feelings.
"Erestor- "
"Leave it alone. Go. You do not have to ever- "Erestor's fingers tightened in his duvet and he tried in vain to swallow his rising tears. He had never felt so incredibly naked and bare. He had never wanted to reveal his innermost self to anyone. He had always hoped that there might be someone who would love it, but he had always known that it would never happen. "If you wish, we never have to speak again. If that is what you want, I can go, you do not have to leave because of me- "
"Erestor no." Glorfindel's voice clearly indicated that he was crying, and that threw Erestor so much off track that he turned and looked at him in amazement.
Glorfindel had moved a little closer to him and they were now sitting almost shoulder to shoulder. Through the net of his tears, Erestor could only see his face blurred, but it was clear that Glorfindel was crying.
"You feel so lonely," Glorfindel whispered softly and placed one of his hands, palm up, between them on the duvet. An invitation. "But you have so much love to give."
"Did you feel that I- " But Erestor's voice died away. He simply didn't have enough strength. He longed so much for Glorfindel's warmth and the feeling of no longer being alone.
"Yes." Glorfindel said in a weak voice. "Yes, I felt it. But it might be interesting for you to know, Erestor, that I feel the same way about you. I, too, have long taken you to my heart and wish for your warmth next to me at night when I sleep so that I can dream of better days instead of the cold ones of the past. Of days that I spend with you."
"Why?" Erestor asked, crying softly. "Why do you want me by your side? I am just old and bitter."
"Oh, but Erestor, I am even older than you," whispered Glorfindel and he lifted his other hand to place it gently on Erestor's cheek and stroked him gently over his cheek with his thumb. "And you are not bitter. You are afraid. Afraid that you would never be loved. But you are. I love you so much."
Erestor had the feeling that something had exploded inside him and now he didn't know what to do with all his emotions.
He slowly let himself fall forwards and nestled his forehead against Glorfindel's shoulder. Then he reached for his hand, which was still stretched out between them, and squeezed it tightly. "But what if I do everything wrong? I do not want to lose you."
"Then let us make mistakes together and learn from them." Glrofindel wrapped an arm around Erestor's shoulders and rubbed him gently between the shoulder blades.
"But- but I have no experience with this at all." Erestor whispered softly.
"That is okay. Let us learn together." Glorfindel replied and Erestor's heart beat faster with every word. "Please let me love you, Erestor."
Erestor felt his body tremble, so unaccustomed was he to physical contact and affection. He pulled his legs to his chest and pressed himself tightly against Glorfindel, who practically wrapped his whole body around Erestor.
"All right," Erestor said and closed his eyes, surrounded by nothing but warmth and love.