Archive of Our Own ^beta

Clay had never been interested in the idea of dating. He remembered the Borzone years, when crowds of girls and handfuls of guys would scream their names. When a well aimed finger gun, or a well timed wink would cause them to faint. Honestly, Clay didn't get that. Clay was still just a kid, right? When he was a kid, he thought he'd eventually grow into wanting to date someone, anyone.

It would happen eventually. He'd have crushes and all the dumb stuff that came with it. But then he got "The Talk," and nothing changed. He was thirteen, and he still hadn't developed any sort of crushes. Well, the band was as big as it was ever going to get. His options for people to date were all fans of the band in some way. They didn't want him. They wanted the Fun Boy of Brozone.

But he didn't feel any different when the band broke up. When he and the rest of the Putt-Putt trolls had settled into the golf course, he still didn't feel any different. Clay was starting to think that maybe, just maybe, something was wrong with him (Something other than the fact he'd hurt himself).

Granted, something or other was wrong with all of the Putt-Putt trolls. But Clay was one of the people in charge here, the other being his best friend Viva. There was an unspoken expectation that they would be the two most put-together trolls in the entire golf course. They were supposed to help the rest of them. Clay was reading a textbook (it was called the DSM if memory served) to try to understand better how to help everyone else (and himself).

"Hey, Mr. Clay!" Viva called after him. "You're working too hard again!"

"Well someone has to do the boring stuff!" Clay called back with a smile. He was currently thumbing through the textbook, trying to make sense of anything that could be applied to him. Viva grabbed his shoulders.

"Oh, don't you need a break? Everyone needs a break sometimes!" She lightly shook him, rocking him back and forth. Clay sighed. This was on of those moments Viva was insistant on making sure the accountant gave himself a break. Times like this, Clay would always agree to going to a rooftop and staring up at stars or clouds. It all depended on the time of day.

"I don't think I remember stars ever being this clear before," Viva commented. "There are so many."

"That would be light pollution," Clay explained. "Stars are lights very far away. We can't see them at night because the sun is closer and much brighter. When we turn on a lot of lights at night, it makes it harder to see the stars. It's called light pollution."

"Then maybe we should keep the lights off more often! The stars are so pretty. It'd make us less noticeable to you-know-whats, too."

"Hm."

They lied in silence for a moment. Just a moment. Someone like Viva couldn't just sit in silence for too long. "Girls are very pretty, you know."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, I think I'm gonna kiss a pretty girl someday," Viva said with just a bit of hesitation. "A girl as pretty as a star."

"That sounds... nice." Honestly, when Clay imagined himself kissing anyone on the lips, it made him feel sick. Wrong.

"Heeey!" Viva poked him in the cheek. "Don't you start acting weird because I don't wanna kiss boys! I'm gonna make it a rule that no one is allowed to be mean to anyone just because they just like boys or girls or whichever else there is."

"I'm not! I swear!"

"It sounded like you didn't like the sound of me kissing a girl!"

"I don't care who you kiss! Just as long as no one's kissing me!" When Clay said it, he paused for a moment. Did he really say that out loud? Well, okay, everyone could probably tell that he'd never shown interest in anyone like that, even at eighteen. But to actually say something about it? "I just don't wanna kiss anyone..." He said it again, trying out how it felt to say.

"Well, no one should be kissing you if you don't want them to, so you'll be fine."

"And it's... okay that I don't want to kiss anyone? Ever?"

"Well, I think so. It can't be too bad."

Clay let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "Okay." Oh God. It was okay. It was okay, but Clay still wished he had a word for it. He hadn't gotten to a part of the DSM yet that'd put a name to it. He hoped he could find one.

In the years at the golf course, Clay had never figured out a word for what he was. Well, he'd found a condition called Autism Spectrum Disorder that he fit a lot of the criteria for, but he didn't find anything that meant a disinterest in kissing or dating or anything of the sort. Maybe that was because it wasn't actually a disorder. But there weren't exactly books lying around the old abandoned golf course that described every possible form of attraction, or lack there of.

This was where Clay really appreciated them all moving into Pop Village. Pop Village had a much more expansive library. There were a lot more options of books for him to read. And he could pick out certain ones to figure out his own situation. He needed good words to describe it before he could even think of explaining it to his brothers. One of them had confused him and Viva as DATING, and that same mix-up can't happen again.

Clay had found a good book for his book club not too long ago. One that had a main character he'd been told had no interest in romantic or ahem more carnal affections. Like him. That was where he first saw a word. A label. Something he could look further into researching.

Aromantic Asexual.

Aro Ace.

With those terms in mind, Clay feels imboldened enough to pick up a book specifically on Aromantic and Asexual identities, with all the various labels that can fall under those terms. He doesn't just pick it out from the library, either. He owns the copy. That way, he can take notes in the margins, underline, annotate however he sees fit. He can make himself an expert on it, so then he can feel confident enough to explain it to his brothers.

The book is housed under his pillow in his room. He reads through it before he goes to sleep. He double and triple and quadruple checks that one of the other labels in the book. Is he sure that he could be asexual when he could read or even enjoy erotica? (The idea of having sex with anyone himself, at all in reality, makes him feel gross and like he wants to vomit. So the label still fits.) Was he sure he wasn't just Greyromantic or Demiromantic, and he just needs the exact right person to come along? (When he tries to imagine what he'd want out of a romantic relationship, it's literally just things he can get or already gets out of a friendship.)

One of these nights, Clay might end up falling a sleep with the book still open in his arms or on his chest. And then one or more of his brothers were going to find him like that in the morning. And then they'd find out before Clay even had the chance to tell them himself. He's going to have to tell them eventually. Or he should. He should? Yes.

Clay picks up yet another book, though this one, he actually got out from the library. It was a thin little paperback, more of a booklet really, simply titled "Coming Out: A Handbook for LGBTQ+ Young People." Now, of course he plans on reading through it. Though, really, his plan is to just pull it out and read it in front of his brothers, cover in full view. That would start the conversation, and then Clay could try explaining his way through what the heck Aro Ace means. The book even has these helpful visuals he could use to help explain! He loves when there are good visuals to help him explain something!

Now, the real issue with that plan is getting all of the brothers in one place. John Dory and Bruce like just left for Vacay Island a week ago. He probably could have tried this coming out trick before they left. But, well... there was other stuff going on that morning, and that went on throughout the day. So Clay needs a change of plans.

"Viva." Clay finds his best friend out and about somewhere in the village. "Viva, did you know there's a word for it?" Clay whispers it like it's some sort of serious secret. Maybe it sort of is.

His best friend quirks an eyebrow up at him. "A word for what?"

"For a person who doesn't want to, like, date. Or kiss. Or... or the bedroom stuff. " He whispers the last part even quieter. It makes him shudder. "There's a word for it."

"Oh! Like what you are? That reminds me! Did you know there's a word for when a girl only likes other girls? I learned it when I told Poppy about it."

"You've... you've already told you're sister?"

"Well, yeah." Of course. It's Viva. Viva can talk about just about anything and everything. Why would she have any problems telling her family? "The word is 'lesbian,' by the way."

"Well, the word for me is AroAce—"

"Pf! That just sounds like you're really good at archery."

"It... it does, doesn't it? I could use that pun with my brothers, maybe... After I tell them? Yeah." Clay is just saying his thoughts out loud with that. It's not unusual for him to do that around his best friend.

"Wait, you haven't told your brothers? That you don't wanna date anyone ever?"

"Sshhh sh sh!" Clay frantically shushes her. "Not so loud! It's a bit different than it is for you!"

Viva tilts her head. "Why?"

Clay sighs. "Look, even if you only ever date girls, you'd still be dating someone. Your family can still expect and hope fo you to get married and maybe have kids someday."

"Oooohh!" Viva nods her head in understanding. "Yeah, that is different for you. Hm." She scratched her chin. Then she shrugs. "Well, your brothers can't really hate you for it. Or else you'd have to disown them." With that, she casually turns and waves to her sister across the way. "And then I'd fight them for you. Hey! Poppy!"

"Viva..." Clay almost calls her back, but decides against it. He had two decades with Viva. Poppy barely had any time with Viva compared to that. Let the sisters hang out. He's a grown man, anyway. He should solve his own sillie little problems every once in a while.

That night, he does his usual bedtime routine of reading through the Aro Ace book. The curent section he's rereading is full of prsonal coming out stories. Maybe it'll give him an idea of how to tell his brothers. And what kind of reactions to expect, both good and bad. It looks like the worst reactions that could come from family were mourning that fact the person won't have children or a wedding, or the family insisting "you just haven't met the right person." Clay can't possibly imagine how meeting just one specific person will make him suddenly not feel queasy at the idea of sex or a simple kiss on the lips.

God, he doesn't want to hear someone tell him he just needs to meet the right person. He thinks he'd die if he heard those words directed at him.

Wait, he thinks he'd die? How would he die? Ooohhhhh Clay doesn't want to read too far into that. Because then he'd overthink and start seeing this as a life or death situation. It's not a life or death situation! What's the worst that could actually happen when his brothers find out?

...

Okay, Clay needs to tell them. He needs to tell them now before his brain spirals and convinces him that rejection is too big and real a risk. This can't wait for them all to be in one place again. He can tell Floyd and Branch first. He lives with them. Hell, maybe they'd be glad they'll never have to worry about Clay bringing anyone home to... he shudders.

Okay, so first: a plan. He has a plan. A dumb one. A potentially funny one. One that's very similar to a tactic he pulled during that therapy quiz fiasco. He'll just not-so subtly present the idea to them, find a way to dismiss it as just a curiosity or asking for clarification, and then he'll.... He'll cross that bridge when he comes to it. Or maybe he should plan that part more.

Clay paces around in his room, trying to decide on the steps after that, and if he even feels ready for it to be known. Won't Bruce feel bad about not being the first to know? They were basically best friends, once upon a time. Clay used to talk to him about his hatred of creepy fanmail, and how fans blowing him kisses made him feel weird, and how he hoped it took forever for him to be old enough for crushes, and...

Oh.

Could... could Bruce already know?

Bruce is pretty knowledgable on all kinds of relationships, from what Clay has seen. Maybe he'd get someone not wanting any kind of relationship like that? He'll have to try calling him later. They have a phone somewhere, right? Like a snailphone or something. Can snailphones connect to Vacationer phones? They have someway to conntact him right away, but that's for emergencies! Is this an emergency?

"Hey, guys?" Clay walks out of his room with the coming out guide clutched in his hands. It'll hint at what his issue is without him directly saying it. He's expecting just his two younger brothers in the bunker. What he doesn't expect to see at least two other members of Kismet. "Oh, sorry. I didn't know we had company."

"No! It's fine!" Floyd takes the bass he'd been practicing and hands it over to Boom, who'd been sitting next to him. "Boom was just helping me practise bass again. Ablaze is hiding from... cops?"

The named troll shrugs. "Less cops, more overzealous, wannabe neighborhood watch that thinks they saw something they really didn't."

"Okay, well..." Clay grips the book in his hands tightly. He makes sure his fingers are out of the way so the title can be read. "I was just gonna ask if a tiny, minor identity crisis might be enough of an emergency to call up Bruce. But it could wait until later."

"Wait, identity crisis?" Branch moves to pull himself from his chair. "Clay, is everything okay?"

"It's fine! It's not a big enough deal to tell you guys right away, so it's probably not emergency enough to call Bruce over it." Clay's heart is racing. His brain is starting to spiral to the worst case scenarios. And he thinks the only way he could be more obvious in show the book is if he holds it straight out and tells them to look at it.

"Should we..." Boom gestures to himself and Ablaze. "Should we be here for this?"

"Clay..." Floyd starts slowly. "Clay, are you sure you're really okay?"

"Yep." Someone point out the freaking book so Clay can feel like he's acomplished at least SOMETHING here.

Finally, Branch's eyes flicker to the book his older brother his gripping like a lifeline. "Oh. That book is— Oh."

"Mm-hm." Fucking thank you.

"So by identity crisis, you mean—"

"I can just wait."

"Oh!" Floyd notices the book. And Boom and Ablaze notice it, too. "Clay, it's okay for you to talk about that stuff with us."

"I'll do that later."

Ablaze gives Boom a friendly smack on the shoulder. "Hey, isn't that the book you used to have?"

"First, ow. Second, probably not the exact one. That's in a closet somewhere."

"Okay, before anyone makes a joke about a book on coming out being kept in a closet..." Branch gets up and walks right to one of the shelves. He reaches behind one of the store jars and pulls out a snailphone. "Go on and talk to Bruce, if you want. Just offer to work in his restaurant or something if you still don't think it's a big enough emergency."

Right. That's why they've got it only for emergencies. Because a call from a snailphone in Pop Village all the way to a phone on a small island like Vacay Island costs money. And now Clay is kinda second guessing this plan. But he can't exactly back out and change his mind now, can he? So, he takes the snailphone from his youngest brother and take it too his room. He has both books out on his bed when he makes the call, and hugs a pillow while he's at it.

The phone rings for a moment. Clay really hopes he's not calling in the middle of a rush. He hopes Brandy isn't the one who answers the phone, because he might just loose his nerve. Someone picks up, and it's a familiar voice. "You've reached Bruce and Sons restaurant. Please be informed that due to incliment weather, we will be closing early tonight. And we will stop accepting delivery orders after—"

"It's Clay."

"Clay!" Bruce says his name cheerfully. Then he drops into a more urgent tone. The snailphone is supposed to be for emergencies only, after all. "Wait, Clay? Is everything okay? What's going on?"

"I was just..." Clay takes a deep breath. "Do you know what Aro Ace means?"

Bruce doesn't speak for a moment. "I'm guessing you're not talking about archery, are you?"

"No." Clay feels like he's almost about to cry. "Not archery."

"Then yes, I do get the basics of what it means."

Clay reminds himself to breath. "And... And you're cool with that kind of stuff, right? It's okay and all that?"

"Clay, did you go through the trouble of calling just to ask if I'd be okay with you being AroAce?"

"I-I—" Clay hugs his pillow tighter. "Well, just hypothetically."

"Oh, Clay." Bruce sighs. "Then hypothetically, yes, I would be okay with you being AroAce. Though if I wasn't, I don't think my opinion would really matter."

"Listen." Clay chokes, and he thinks he almost lets out a sob. "I've been freaking out about this all day."

"Clay, you know I love you! We all do! We— John, stop trying to take the phone!"

Clay can hear his oldest brother saying something he can't quite make out.

"Then ask first! You can't just—"

"I know a thing or two about the different identities, you know! I helped out with a GSA club a few times." John Dory's voice starts to get more clear. Then it comes in loud and clear. "Clay!"

Clay sighs and wipes some tears out of his eyes. "Hi, John."

"You can— okay, I don't remember which one AroAce is, but I'll fight off anyone who gives you sshhhhhtuff-n-fluff for whoever you decide to smooch. Or decide not to smooch. Or— I'm pretty sure AroAce isn't one of the gender ones, but same sentiment applies."

"Okay." Clay smiles a bit. God, his older brothers are such dads. "I'll let you know if I need help fighting anyone off. Though Viva's closer, she'd probably beat you to it."

"Well, there might be a storm passing over here, but—"

"Give that phone back! Clay, we're gonna have to hang up here in a moment. But JD will probably be heading back that way after the storm passes. I'll send a letter for you with him, okay?"

"Alright. I love you guys."

"Love you, too!"

click

Clay puts the phones down. He takes a few deep breathes. He sniffs. God, is he really crying right now? Why? That went so well. His older brothers aren't bothered at all by it. Bruce loves him no matter what, and already knows what AroAce means. John Dory doesn't seem to know what exactly AroAce means, be he's willing to accept it regardless. Can it really be that easy? That simple?

He gives his pillow a tight squeeze. He buries his face into it and focuses on taking calming breathes. His brain feels like it's buzzing, and he wants to pretend to sleep for a bit. Just to escape from all of these overwhelming feelings. But then his younger brothers will be worried. And Clay doesn't want to worry them. He also doesn't want to accidentally give them the impression that their older brothers were at all unaccepting.

After a few minutes of gathering himself again, Clay dries his face, grabs both of his books, and goes off to face his younger brothers. Boom and Ablaze have left by now. Floyd and Branch are sitting in the living room, seemingly waiting for him. They turn to him when he enters the room. "Hey, Clay," Branch greets him. "How are you doing?"

"I'm doing good. Kinda thirsty, though." He drops his well annoteded book on Aromantic and Asexual attractions on the coffee table. It makes a loud thump when it lands. He hopes that's a clear enough hint for his brothers to check it out. "I'm gonna go get some water." And with that, he leaves the room. Best case scenario, they'll pick the book up and skim through his little notes. At the very least, they'll see the title and get the idea.

He takes a few minutes getting himself something to drink. He can hear Branch and Floyd quietly talking to each other as he shuffle-steps back to the room. Clay peaks around a corner to see if the book is still on the table where he left it. It's not. Branch has it open, genuinely reading through by the looks of it. Floyd leans over and asks a question. Branch puts a finger in the place he was reading and flips to a page to try to find an answer from it.

Clay feels warmed at the sight. His eyes sting, and if he's really going to fucking cry again, he's going to scream. He clears his throat to try to get rid of the lump he feels forming in it. This draws the attention of his younger brothers. "I— I've read that book about five times by now," he says, trying not to look too awkward walking in. "You can borrow it if you want."

Before Clay can move to sit on the couch, Floyd gets up. He marches right over and pulls him into a hug. Branch gets up from the couch, puts the book to the side, and joins in on the hug. Clay... Clay feels himself start to tear up. "Ah..." he says, because he doesn't know what to say, or if he should even say anything.

"You know we love you no matter what," Floyd says. "You're not any different than you were before you told us.

Branch nods in agreement. "Who cares if you never get married. Viva and Poppy could probably come up with a bigger and better kind of party to throw just for you."

Clay sniffs. "If all of you guys would stop being so incredibly sweet. I'm just—" He returns the hug and holds both of his younger brothers close. "Someone should say some swears to balance things out."

"Fuck. Shit. Bitch. Damn. Crap." Branch immediately complies. Floyd hesitates for a quiet moment.

"Heck."

And Clay laughs a bit at that. He feels alright. This will make things better. Because no one that matters to him will ever expect him to fall in love, or make a kid with anyone. He won't have to worry about jokes about him having a crush on anyone. He can just be him, single forever, permanent virgin, and that was all so fucking fantastamazing.