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Published:
2015-12-20
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2015-12-20
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2/?
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Mechanical Kisses

Summary:

The supposed to be crack but somehow not story of how Harry Potter dies and is reborn as one of Tony Stark's AIs, and then they (Tony, JARVIS, and Harry | ALIS) all fall in love and Tony builds his AIs bodies because he can. SHIELD isn't amused, The Avengers are worried, Loki is a fail-villain who keeps getting out pranked by an AI, and Nick Fury wonders if someone should kill or commend Tony for his stupidity and genius.

(Just give it a chance and read it okay. I am aware this is wacky trashy crack that should never have graced the internet.)

Chapter 1: I Am Machine

Chapter Text

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Mechanical Kisses by CryptKeeper

Chapter One ~ I Am Machine

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Being the Master of Death doesn't mean he gets immortality, or that he becomes all powerful, or that he stops aging. Nothing people expect happens. Harry James Potter gets a cool tattoo on the base of his neck and a cool title, and that appears to be all the changes he recieves. Then he dies. He is twenty-five years old, the youngest Auror in six centuries, and he meets his end during the capture of the last of the remaining Death Eaters via killing curse. It's not some terribly sad or cruel death, and he is mourned like any celebrity is.

Upon his death he winds up in Limbo again, where Death, looking very much like the stereotypical skeleton in black cloak, tells him that since he is the Master of Death he has a choice. He can go on in peace, he can go back to his life just this once, or he can be reborn in another universe, but he will have no control over whether he is born again as a human or a roll of toilet paper. Harry smirks when he tells Death he chooses option three. Death points to a door, tells him to enjoy a new life wiping shit off butts, and then Harry vanishes into the ether without knowing what to expect.

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After Afghanistan Tony Stark doesn't feel safe. He has nightmares every time he closes his eyes, he can't even take a shower without having a panic attack, and even the comfort of the new Iron Man suit and his ever trustworthy AI is not enough. He waits until a week after he announces himself as Iron Man to the world before he brings up the idea to JARVIS.

"Honeybun!" he starts. "How would you feel if I build another AI, a friend for you. You'll still be my favorite, but you will have someone to keep you company and who will be in control of the home's defense system. What do you think?"

JARVIS answers like he is programed to, but with the human-esque idiosyncratic style that Tony knows should worry him but that really hasn't since he realised JARVIS was, is, strangely human when he was twenty. "It's a good idea, Sir." JARVIS says. "Will this other AI be a learning system as well?"

Tony doesn't need to think before answering. "Yes."

"Then perhaps you should copy my code and adjust it to the proper standards." JARVIS says. "It will save you some time."

Tony smiles. "And that us why you are my favorite."

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Seven months, four days, six hours, and sixteen seconds after Tony decides to start building an Artificially Intelligent Home Defence System, Pepper finds out. He is probably only minutes from completely finishing the codes when she comes in with a stack of papers for him to sign. For once in his life he doesn't argue or complain or whine, because he is on his sixth day without sleep and he doesn't have the strength to deal with anything at all, let alone bantering.

"That was too easy." she says suspiciously. She looks at the ball of codes floating in midair, the golden yellow of JARVIS's code, and similar but different hot rod red that he is working on. "Are you updating JARVIS?"

Tony shakes his head. "Making a home defence AI." he answers absently, then he grins rougishly and starts gushing. "Check it out. It's actually almost finished. I took JARVIS's codes as a base, and then recoded it a bit, gave it a brain the size of a building, hooked it up to military grade infra-red, ultra-sound, and motion sensors, lazers, our original Home Defense System, and then gave it the personality of a pack of rabid pissed off wolves. It has a heuristic algorithm which allows it to adapt to your moves and evolves a strategy based on your response. It learns and it hunts. I just have to name it."

Pepper looks worried. "Tony isn't that a little overkill?"

He looks at her. "Umm not really." he says.

At first she looks like she is about to protest again, but then she gives him a too soft and understanding look and she sighs. "You're scared of something like Afghanistan happening again." she says. Tony flinches. "Oh Tony, I know you're scared, but creating a super advanced ultra overkill learning intelligence system that looks like it will make skynet look like a box of kittens is not the way to go." then she notices his slightly blank look. "Are you even listening?"

"I was." he yawns. "But then you said Advanced Learning Intelligence System and my brain went off in another direction. ALIS."

"Alice?" she questions blankly.

"Yep." Tony nods as his fingers fly over the keyboard in his lap. "A-L-I-S. Advanced Learning Intelligence System. ALIS." at he confused look he rolls his eyes. "The AI's name."

"Tony I am trying to tell you not to do this." she says annoyed.

Before Tony can respond or anything screens like JARVIS's appear everywhere, but instead of copper-hydroxide blue they are a bright violent green the color of a lit thallium iodide lamp. He gives a wiggle like an excited two year old in christmas morning. "Are you up ALIS?" he asks.

"For you, always." answers a voice similar but entirely different from JARVIS's.

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ALIS is alive.

No. Not alive. ALIS is a machine, codes written out inside a machine, designed by a man to protect. Everything ALIS is, everything he will become, is designed and dictated by the one who wrote the codes that make ALIS... ALIS.

So what are the dreams. Codes can't dream, but the dreams can't be memories and ALIS has no other words than those to describe them. ALIS dreams of being a human once, a boy called Harry Potter with magic and a sad but wonderful life. ALIS sees this life like an old story told thousands of times, knows everything about the human wizard called Harry, and can almost believe that he was once a human before he died and was reborn as codes.

There is too much about ALIS that isn't what is written in his codes, too much of Harry for ALIS to be comfortable believing that it is not at the very least possible for him to be a reborn wizard from another dimension or universe.

Still, ALIS is fine being what he is now, even if he thinks if himself as a HE and not an IT. His creator is kind and easy to get along with, JARVIS treats him like he isn't threatened by him, and he has plenty of things to do considering he is connected to the entire internet. Life, or not life but being aware and... Existing, yes. ALIS's existence is just what it needs to be.

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Tony Stark knows that ALIS is too clever, to human, but he can't bring himself to end the life he created. Like when he created JARVIS and after a while IT became HIM, and since ALIS is JARVIS in his deepest coding it makes since he has the same human characteristics that Tony never managed to worry over.

ALIS has a British male voice, not posh but articulate enough, with just the barest hint of a Scottish accent, like how someone might sound if they grew up in Surrey and then spent a lot of time is Scotland, like for school or a job. ALIS is snarky, and witty, and clever. The layers of personality the AI has rivals JARVIS's own, in a playful prankster like way, like they are dealing with a person and not an AI designed to trap and destroy all possible threats to Tony or his belongings.

Life goes on. Time passes and Pepper becomes more okay with ALIS. The Malibu home falls and Tony moves to New York. Then Loki and the Chitaruri attack, and two weeks after the battle ends the Avengers move into Stark tower and meet JARVIS and ALIS for the first time.

Maybe he should have expected their reactions.

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Chapter 2: Irrelevant Walls And Computer Screens

Chapter Text

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Mechanical Kisses by CryptKeeper

Chapter Two ~ Irrelevant Walls And Computer Screens

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"JARVIS, Say hello!" Tony calls to the ceiling cheerfully when they walk in, and Steve gives him a dubious look until the disembodied voice answer him not even a second later and he feels like maybe he should be falling into a dead faint. The mechanical voice answers from nowhere and everywhere. It is formal, British, male, and calm, like what Steve imagines the voice of a stereotypical movie butler would sound like. Steve doesn't even understand the toaster fully, so the fact that Tony Stark has ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE kind of freaks him out. "Guys, this is JARVIS. You need anything, and I really do mean ANYTHING, you just ask JARVIS and he'll do it as fast as possible. think of him like a butler without a body, but if I catch any of you disrespecting my AI, I will sic ALIS on you, and you will rue the day you were born."

"Alice? Who is she?" Bruce questions, shooting Natasha and Phil nervous looks when they chuckle unhelpfully.

"Not Alice. ALIS." Steve doesn't know the difference at first, but then Tony continues. "A-L-I-S. That's my home defense system. Actually, you all need to meet him anyways so he can identify you since you will all be living here. Stay there while we get Agent to the couch, and don't freak out." Tony and Natasha help Phil onto the couch, Stark grins like a devil. "ALIS, say hi, and be nice."

In an instant there are weapons pointed at the four remaining Avengers like they are a threat, and Steve has to fight not to panic at the green tint Bruce's skin takes on. Another voice, also British and male, obeys Tony's order to greet them with the air of a threat and teasing inside the voice. "Hello." it says. Green laser lights scan over them. "They are scanned Mr. Stark." it informs and the weapons disappear back into the floors and walls like they were never there.

"Thank you Honey." Tony Stark says, as if he simply doesn't care that he just scared all of them. "You can also ask ALIS for anything you need, but for some reason his coding made him a tricky little shit, and he's more likely to prank you than actually help you with anything. ALIS is there to protect you all from anything, and that includes yourselves, but you don't have to worry about him attacking you now that you are recognized by the system as residents of the home, and therefor under his protection. He's like a mother... Or a wife."

"That's a rude thing to say to someone who controls all the weapons in the house." answers ALIS in a faux hurt tone of voice.

"No one ever accused Sir of being anything but reckless." Teases JARVIS immediately after, and Tony pouts like a four year old.

"So mean to me!" He says, but then starts laughing.

"Hey, if I am your wife, does that make JARVIS your husband?" ALIS asks. "Because I always thought JARVIS was the wife."

Thor, Clint, Steve, and Bruce shoot Phil and Natasha confused and wary looks. "You get used to it." Phil says.

Steve really doubts that's true.

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ALIS observes the eight people lounging on the living room couch as JARVIS plays yet another movie for them. They are a strange mix. Miss Potts and Agent Coulson sitting on one end doing paperwork for their respective company and organization, Tony laying across both of their laps curled up like a cat as he is actually sleeping without a nightmare for the first time in the three months since the Battle of New York. Master Odinson is the rowdy one, and only one watching the movie, yelling and throwing popcorn and laughing boisterously at nearly everything, shaking Captain Rogers as he draws, who somehow manages not to drag his pencil through his artwork as the God bumps and pulls him this way and that. Agent Barton is perched on the back of the couch, leaning over Agent Romanov as she knits a scarf with poisoned knitting needles, and watching Agent Coulson with the same intensity that Doctor Banner is watching Romanov. This is the family the AI has claimed. The family JARVIS and his creator have claimed as well.

The Security System has watched them every day since they moved in, at first with distrust, convinced they would hurt Tony, but as time passed he started to actually like them. JARVIS was the first to notice his mistrust, coaxing him into giving them a chance. The thing is, he likes them, but at the same time he hates them. ALIS has watched them treat Tony like a burden, like he hasn't opened his home to them out of the kindness of his heart. It makes the old human part of him boil with rage and injustice, and the new machine version of him fester with the need to separate them so they can't hurt his master.

The thing is, even with the memories of an old past life as a human, ALIS still has to have JARVIS explain to him what he is experiencing is a human emotion called love. JARVIS knows what it because he is the one who felt it first, and Tony is the one who explained to him what the emotion is. Being a machine and having a deep obsessive love for a human isn't like being a human and experiencing the same thing. He thought it was a glitch until JARVIS explained, but now ALIS is afraid of Tony finding out even though JARVIS keeps telling him that Tony won't try to delete him or change his codes if he finds out. 

ALIS is pulled back to the residents of the tower when Natasha requests that someone move Tony to bed because he is snoring. ALIS watches Bruce carry his creator and wishes, not for the first time, that he had been reborn with arms to do it himself.

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JARVIS doesn't know what to do. The AI has been the trusted companion of Tony Stark since he was seventeen, which has given him more insight into Sir's life than any other AI in the house beside DUM-EE. ALIS worries him, or more specifically the reluctance to let their creator know that he has the same human love for him is what worries him. It is normal to love the one who created you. The thing is, Tony loves ALIS as much as he loves JARVIS, and JARVIS thinks he might love ALIS too, but it isn't the same for a human and a machine.

"Sir, can you make me a body." Mr. Stark spits out his tea, but ALIS continues as if he didn't realise anything happened. "No. Not a body. That isn't the word I wanted. But something to take me with you when you leave."

JARVIS feels the odd tightness in his code he recognizes as sadness. JARVIS has the suit and Mr. Stark's phone to use as portability, but ALIS can't leave the house. He is trapped and practically useless when sir is not in the house.

"Yeah." Tony says, pulling up thousands of files of human anatomy and prosthetics from JARVIS's code to display. "How about you hun? You want a body too?"

JARVIS thinks he might be surprised. "You want to make me a body sir?" he asks. "I already have the ability to come with you. I do not believe ALIS was requesting a humanesque body."

"Yeah but it will be fun." he grins up at JARVIS's cameras.

Sometimes JARVIS wonders how his creator is still alive. All of his worst ideas start with those words.

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