Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Trevor: Jamie

Trevor: Jam

Trevor: Jimmy

Trevor: Jimbo

Trevor: Jamieson Drysdale

Jamie: What Trevor

Trevor: Is a Straw 1 hole or 2?

Jamie: trev istg 

Trevor: answer the question its very important

Jamie: It's 3am.

Trevor: its only 12????????

Trevor: did you time travel

Trevor: WITHOUT ME

Jamie: I’m not explaining the concept of timezones to you again

Trevor:?????

Jamie: A straw is 1 hole now go to bed

Trevor: JAMIE 

Jamie: whAT

Trevor: Love u and im glad you have the correct opinion

Jamie: Love u too

Trevor: thats gay bud

Jamie: u are aware that we're dating right?

Trevor: being gay is so fun others are missing out

Jamie: alright trev goodnight

Trevor: Do you think that theres like a lot of other gay players out there

Jamie: probably idk if you look at it statistically there's like a high chance that there's one player on each team

Trevor: We should Pokemon them

Jamie: i am way too tired to understand you rn

Trevor: Jamie we GOTTA CATCHEM ALL

Jamie: how do u plan to do that

Trevor: what if we just make a group of people and just ask them to add others to the group that are chill with bein gout and everything

Trevor: We can be all like supportive and shit of the baby gays

Trevor: this is like the most intelligent idea i've ever had

Jamie: like a groupchat?

Trevor: EXACTLY

Trevor Zegras Created a groupchat

Trevor Zegras changed the chat name to “GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

Trevor Zegras added Jamie Drysdale

Trevor Zegras added Jack Hughes

Trevor Zegras added Cole Caufield

Trevor Zegras added Mitch Marner

Trevor Zegras added Matthew Tkachuk

Trevor Zegras added Quinn Hughes

Trevor: WELCOME FRIENDS

Jack: Trev what did you do

Mitchy: i'm confused yet intrigued

Trevor: Guys trust this is the smartest thing you’ll ever hear 

Quinn: if it comes from you I highly doubt that

Jimbo: It's actually not that bad this time shockingly

Trevor: first it hurts that you guys have so little faith in me and second this shall be henceforth the gay player groupchat

Trevor: add any and all gay players that would like to join so that we may play pokemon and catchem all

Jack: you actually had a good idea until u lost me with the pokemon reference

Chucky: How does one “pokemon” players?

Trevor: We gotta like catch one from every team

Cole: are u saying we are going to be a zoo?

Jack: Im confused on where u got the zoo part from that cauly but this is actually a fun plan trev

Chucky: I approve this will be fun

Mitchy: So we get to add any gay player that wants to be in this chat?! Dude this bout to be the gayest thing to have ever gayed the gay groupchat community

Quinn: I already regret being here

Mitch Marner added William Nylander (Willy)

Mitch Marner added Matthew Knies (Kniesy)

Mitch Marner added Simon Benoit (Benny)

Chucky: There's already too many leafs her we need to dilute them immediately

Willy: There is no such thing as too many leafs

Jack: There definitely is 

Kniesy: hey man it's not our fault that we're just the gayest team :)

“im like a bird”

Jamie: Trevor just started a new groupchat for all of the gay players in the NHL

Jamie: Can I assume that some of you idiots want to join?

Yorkie: IS THAT EVEN A QUESTION

Froster: obviously

Forest child: I want to join!

Bumblebee: Are we really philadelphia flyers if we don’t assert our gay dominance

Jamie: btw the leafs are trying to say that theyre the gayest right now

Yorkie: Add us right now Jamie

Froster: we must prove that philly gaynest is top tier

“GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

Jamie: I have something to say about that 

   Jamie Drysdale added Morgan Frost (Frost)

   Jamie Drysdale added Cam York (Yorkie)

   Jamie Drysdale added Joel Farabee (BeeBee)

   Jamie Drysdale added Tyson Foerster (Forest)

Yorkie: PHILLY LOVE IS GAYEST

Kniesy: can’t argue with that

Mitchy: Yes i can and I will

Mitchy: it doesnt matter if you have more gays we have gayer vibes

Frost: We have Gritty

Willy: Mitch i'm sorry to say but I think they win this

Mitchy: It's no fair

Mitchy: why do they get to have Gritty

Mitchy: There will never be a gayer being then Gritty

Yorkie: Get recked mitch Philly love prevails

Frost: I'm shocked you know what prevails means

Yorkie: Fuck u

Frost: you wish

Jamie: keep that to ur private chat please

Jamie: you already torture me enough with you weird flirting

Yorkie: a) it's not flirting its banter b) are you aware of how much weird shit i have been forced to overhear since you've been here

Yorkie: I offer you a place to stay and i get your weirdass flirting with trevor in return

Jamie: you don’t know anything

Trevor: btw if you guys know players from other teams it would make my pokemon business easier

Cole: can we be a zoo of pokemon

Jack: Cole please leave the zoo alone

Cole: Why do you hate me?

Jack: because you're stupid <3

Quinn: Jack it's not like you have much more going on up there

Jack: dayum it be your own blood 

Chucky added Brady Tkachuk

Quinn: This just in the tkachuks are all gay

Brady: what the hell is this matthew

Chucky: hell but the gay version

Willy: I'm pretty sure that's just regular hell

Chucky: fine it's hell but the fun version

Brady: that's so helpful thanks

Mitchy: welcome to gay land

Benny: i understand about half of what's going on but its a very good time

Willy: Gay+Hockey = perfection 

Yorkie: They shouldn't have given hockey players hockey butts if they didn't want us to be gay

Yorkie: thats all im saying

Forest: it's almost like the particular workouts we have to do lead to us having larger glutes

Yorkie: I miss when u were a quiet rookie

BeeBee: Honestly now all you do is bring your logic into our lives

Yorkie: it was so easy to live without your logic

Forest: someone has to make sure you don't accidentally kill yourselves

Jamie: It's truly scary how stupid those two are

Jamie: Especially when you put them together

Yorkie: rude

BeeBee: how dare u

Chapter Text

“GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

Jack: I feel like we need old people in here

Jack: To be like responsible and shit

Kniesy: Gay Grandpas?

Jack: No like older players 

Kniesy: That makes more sense

Benny: It's good that you're pretty Kniesy

Kniesy: HEY

Kniesy: But also isn’t Willy the oldest member of this group rn?

Mitch: OMG HE IS

Mitch: WILLY UR OLD

Willy: Ur second oldest dumbass

Mitch: FUCK NO

Mitch: THAT IS NOT OKAY

Mitch: I'M TOO YOUNG FOR THIS RESPONSIBILITY

Mitchy added Tyler Seguin (Segs) to the chat

Segs: SUP BITCHES

Jimbo: That's ur idea of responsibility?

Segs: Dude why are you hating

Segs: Also did not anticipate to be this much older than everybody else

Segs: I'm not fit to be responsible for children

Quinn: We know

Segs added Jeff Skinner (Skinner) to the chat

Segs added Claude Giroux (Giroux) to the chat

Segs: There now i feel better about myself

Brady: G?!?!??!??!? WHAT!?!?!? THE!?!?!?!? FUCK!?!?!?!?

Giroux: Brady… I was the captain of the flyers, where do you think they learned it from?

Yorkie: Flyers 4 Lyfe

BeeBee: Come back Claude we miss our gay jesus

Giroux: Have you guys hit your heads a few too many times since I've been gone?

Yorkie: I have all the brain cells accounted for thank you very much

Quinn: It must be very difficult to keep track of your sole brain cell 

Yorkie: Im so smart man don't even

BeeBee: You sure are bud

Skinner: Just by looking at the people in this chat i can tell you your missing the gayest person to ever sign an NHL contract

Cole: Trevor is already here tho?

Skinner: Trevor doesn’t even come close to this man

Skinner added Tyson Barrie (Barrie) to the chat

Skinner: The gayest man alive everyone

Barrie: I want to thank all of my boys for this award

Barrie: I worked hard to be the gayest version of myself and kiss all the homies

Yorkie: Sorry Trevor you cant compete with the man who was flirted with all of his teammates on video

Barrie: I’m just that gay

Barrie: Why interview the boys when I can flirt with them?

Skinner: Yet you're still single

Barrie: No need to bring that up

Barrie: But also so are u so stfu

Trevor: The old men are fighting

Barrie: OLD!?

Barrie: I AM YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL WITH A FULL LIFE LEFT TO LIVE SO SHUT UP TREVOR

Barrie: AT LEAST I'M NOT THE NHLs #1 TWINK

Trevor: At least I have a man

Barrie: i…

Trevor: exactly

Trevor: Jamie wanna call?

Jamie: lmao sure Trev

Benny: This chat makes me happy

“Younguns”

Kniesy: I think that we should start a band

Lukey: why

Lukey: also no

Kniesy: because i'm learning to play the guitar and i need to share my skills with the world

WyJo: one lesson with ur goalie doesn’t mean you all of a sudden know how to play an instrument

Bobo: Kniesy Woller date night?

Kniesy: Wyatt William Johnston there was no reason to say that

Kniesy: and it wasn’t a date

WyJo: Sure it wasn’t Kniesy

WyJo: And thats not my middle name?

Kniesy: We're just friends

Bobo: You make me want to drink

Jamie: Underage drinking!?

Bobo: Jimmy…. We literally played a drinking game while watching the devils game yesterday

Bobo: Also I'm 22?

Jamie: I knew that

Lukey: What kind of drinking game?

Bobo: don’t remember

Jamie: It was take a shot everytime one of you guys fell on your asses

Lukey: WTF guys

Lukey: and fans think that your such an innocent nice guy Jamie

Jamie: and that's a secret you'll never tell xoxo <3

Kniesy: Back to my band idea

Wyjo: Matthew give up bud 

Kniesy: But my guitar skills

Lukey: Im sure Woller will join your band

Wyatt: He’ll even probably makeout with you

Kniesy: What the hell??? That wasn’t even funny?

WyJo: I wasn’t trying to be funny your patheticness already does the job

“GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

Jack: Can I be Squirty?

Giroux: What the fuck?

Segs: Jack u good bud?

Jack: Like the pokemon?

Quinn: Do u mean Squirtle

Jack: Same thing

Segs: Not quite but hey I like ur vibe buddy

Cole: Welcome to the Squirty Zoo!

Cole: Wait that sounds weird

Quinn: at least you're aware

Giroux: I want to leave this chat now

Quinn: Sorry dude you're stuck here

Kniesy: Can we go back to Jack thinking Squirtle was called Squirty

Jack: It isn't even that different

Quinn: It's more the way you thought that they would name a toy/character for preteen boys Squirty that baffles me

Kniesy: The fuck is “baffle”

Quinn: You have no room to judge my dumbass brother if you don’t know what the word “baffle” means

Jack: Kniesy don’t worry i'm like 70% sure he's making that up

Quinn: Giroux I want to leave know too lets start a petition to abolish this group chat

Giroux: Thank you

Kniesy: The fuck is “petition”?

Jack: “Abolish”? yall need to start using regular english

Quinn: Thats it im killing both of you then myself

Kniesy: Wait why?

Jack: I'm confused?

Quinn: see you in hell fuckers

Giroux: No were already here

Quinn: Well then i'll be watching from heaven while you guys rot

Skinner: I leave for like 3 hours and all of a sudden Quinn is dead and going to heaven!?

Skinner: Wait since gays aren’t allowed in heaven……Quinn straight era??

Jack: QUINN IS STRAIGHT?!

Jack: WHY IS HE IN THIS CHAT THEN

Skinner: I'm hoping he's being stupid as some cruel joke but deep down i'm learning that he's just that dumb

Quinn: Welcome to my entire life

Skinner: I feel for you man

Jack: Wait so is Quinn still gay?

Chapter Text

“GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

Trevor: Guys

Trevor: Guys

Trevor: How do get more people in this chat?

Cole: We should like post it on a bulletin board

Cole: Like one of those “Take one if you're interested” things with the tabs with phone numbers on it?

Jamie: And where do you suppose we put those

Jamie: And don't you dare say the zoo

Cole: Real question is why not the Zoo?

Trevor: Now i may be slightly below average when it comes to intelligence but i doubt placing our personal numbers with the words “gay NHL groupchat“ is a very good idea

Quinn: Only slightly below average?

Trevor: I went to college bud i’m like so smart

Giroux: One day i'll look at this chat and not immediately feel the overwhelming urge to cry and scream and die

Trevor: Not my fault you have bad taste

Giroux: Sureee that's the issue here

Quinn: The day that Trevor isn't stupid is the day where i can stop going to therapy

Trevor: Anyone else notice that Quinner only shows up to be a hater

Quinn: Haters gonna hate man

Cole: Guys I was talking to Sue about my gay pokemon zoo and apparently i'm not the only gay hab?

Cole: Mind=Blown

Jamie: I have so many questions

Jamie: 1) Who the fuck is Sue?

Jamie: 2) We're not a fucking zoo?

Trevor: Not a question but you should add whoever Sue is

Cole: Sue!

Cole Caulfield added Nick Suzuki to the chat

Suzu: Please stop calling me Sue

Cole: For sure Sue, I hear you

Suzu: I want you to get traded

Trevor: Cauly you added ur bae!

Trevor: Also how did u not know he was gay?

Cole: Wait did you know he was gay!?

Trevor: I mean I kinda assumed when I saw you guys making out the last time we played each other?

Suzu: Cole, are you actually telling me that after we've hooked up MULTIPLE TIMES you still thought I was straight?

Cole: Hey man I was taught to never assume

Jamie: It's not assuming when you have evidence man

Cole: It's still rude

Suzu: Im seriously about to give up

Suzu: Anyone looking for a dumbass forward

Suzu: Because i'm not leaving montreal but im also about to lose my shit with one of our star players :)

Cole: What did Slaf do to you?

Nick Suzuki left the chat

Trevor: Common Cauly L

Cole: NOOOOOO

Cole: WHYYYYYY

Cole: SUUUUEEEE

Cole: COME BACK

Forest: Are you aware that you can add him back?

Cole: Oh yeah

Cole Caulfield added Nick Suzuki to the chat

Cole: WELCOME BACK SUE

Suzu: This feels like hell

Quinn: Welcome

“Younguns”

Lukey: I have a new friend for the chat

Luke Hughes added Brock Faber (Fabes) to the chat

Kniesy: WELCOME

Fabes: Hi!

WyJo: I apologize that Luke forced you to be here

Fabes: We were talking about my tiktok lipsyncing skills and Luke told me I would be a good fit for “this weird ass chat full of losers“ which I feel like is kind of an insult

Fabes: But you guys seem really nice so who cares :)

WyJo: How dare you call us losers Lukey were the coolest peeps to every play hockey

Jamie: The fact that you said “peeps“ makes me regret becoming friends with you

Kniesy: Can we also talk about the fact that Wys middle name is fucking HENRY

Kniesy: William suits you better man

WyJo: It's almost like I didn't choose my middle name genius

Kniesy: Wanna Fight?

WyJo: Lets go bud 

WyJo: Meet me outside

Wyatt: Oh wait you live in the fucking north pole

Kniesy: Wow creative a cold weather joke

Kniesy: and your the actual fucking canadian you moron

WyJo: Whatever you stupid fuck

Kniesy: You really need to work on ur insults bud

Kniesy: Or did your brain get fried when ur “bestie“ top defensemen Thomas Harley hugged u and basically told u he loved u on camera

WyJo: I'm gonna find Joseph Wolls number and text him every bad picture i have of you and then send him that video of you drunk crying about his eyes 

WyJo: Then, when the playoffs are over i'm going to fly to wherever he lives and give him a live recreation of ur meltdown when you met him for the first time with the ENTIRE dialogue

WyJo: and if that's not enough, I will then find your house, and when you are sleeping, i'm going to buzz your hair in the shape of a slightly lopsided heart 

Kniesy: I'm sorry I said anything

Kniesy: im scared

Kniesy: Please don't do any of that

Jamie: I'm so glad you live all the way in Texas

Fabes: This is way more entertaining than I thought it would be 

Lukey: Ur welcome

WyJo: :)

Kniesy: I don’t get how Segs thinks your such an angel

WyJo: When the fuck do you talk to segs?

Kniesy: In our gay groupchat

WyJo: Why the fuck is there a gay groupchat that Im not in?

Lukey: Yeah me too wtf guys

Jamie: Oh yeah I forgot to add you lmao

Lukey: Jamie Drysdale new #1 opp?

Jamie: Me? Both ur brothers are in the chat and they didn't add u either?

Lukey: THE FUCK

Lukey: ADD ME RN

WyJo: ME TOO

Fabes: Me too pls 

Bobo: I just got here but how dare u not add all of us earlier!?

“GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

Jamie: I found more friends

Jamie: And by friends I mean angry chihuahuas that will bite ankles :)

Jamie Drysdale added Wyatt Johnston to the chat

Jamie Drysdale added Luke Hughes to the chat

Jamie Drysdale added Brock Faber to the chat

Jamie Drysdale added Bowen Byram to the chat

Segs: MY CHILD IS GAY

Segs: I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER

WyJo: Havent u won the Stanley Cup?

Segs: Shh we dont talk about Boston here

Jack: I knew I was forgetting a brother

Lukey: YOU ONLY HAVE 2

Lukey: HOW DO U FORGET HALF OF UR SIBLINGS

Chapter Text

“GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

Bobo: I know were supposed to collect new gay players that we can add to the chat

Bobo:BUT

Bobo: I'm just gonna use this chat to thirst over a man thats so hot i don't even care if he's gay

Bobo: He's just so hot

Mitch: Pretty Please share with the class

Cole: So we can be a school but not a zoo!?

Cole: outrage

Cole: This is outrage

Bobo: Ignoring cole

Bobo:

Bobo: Mat Barzal everyone

Cole: yum

Yorkie: I'll raise you

Yorkie: Mat Barzal THIGHS

Bobo: Man is just so fucking hot

Yorkie: Universal crush

Yorkie: For both straight and gay men

Yorkie: It's me, im gay men

Bobo: we know, so are we

Mitch: My boy mat rly is a cutie

Bobo: OH yeah I forgot you guys were friends

Mitch: draft class of 2015 babyyyyy

Mitch: Wait gimme a sec

Yorkie: There should be an award for hottest player

Yorkie: Like Hart and Selkie idk her, I only know the HFPTEPTG award

Yorkie: And it should go to Mat Barzal every year

Bobo: The fuck does that stand for

Yorkie: Its the ”Hottest fucking player to ever play the game” award

Bobo: I approve

Mitch: K im back

Yorkie: Congrats

Mitch: Rude

MItch:I have news for you guys

Bobo: Spill

Mitch Marner added Mat Barzal (Barzy) to the chat

Bo Byram removed Mat Barzal from the chat

Bobo: A LITTLE NOTICE WOULDA BEEN NICE

Bobo: YOU CAN'T JUST ADD A MAN'S CELEBRITY CRUSH WITHOUT GIVING HIM TIME TO PREPARE

Mitch: u good?

Mitch: Poor barzy thinks u dont like him

Bobo: WHAT NO

Bobo: I LOVE HIM

Mitch: Im sure his boyfriend wouldn't appreciate that

Bobo: HEART BEEN BROKE SO MANY TIMES

Bobo: You should add Beauvillier too then :( 

Bobo:Ill reign in the envy

Mitch: If you didn't even know Barzy was gay then how tf do u know he's dating tito?!

Bobo: Now that Ik he's gay it's like so obvious bud

Bobo: Like cmon

Mitch: Valid

Bobo: add Barzy back pls

Mitch Marner added Mat Barzal to the chat

Barzy: Hi?

Bobo: HI!

Mitch: Welcome 

Yorkie: Random question

Yorkie: Can he see the chat before he was added?

Bobo: CAN HE?

Bobo: Wait i can't see anything before I was added so we should be fine

Barzy: Wait y?

Barzy: Why cant I see

Mitch: Its for their well being

Barzy: What about my well being fucker

Mitch: first that was rude for a guy drafted lower than me

Mitch: second it was because they were having a gay crisis about u

Bobo: UR SUCH A BITCH MITCH

Yorkie: LMAO THAT RHYMES

Yorkie: BUT ALSO HOW DARE U MITCH

Barzy: Thanks?

Yorkie: np HFPTEPTG

Barzy: I'm confused

Mitch: that's the primary sentiment of this chat at all times

Mitch: you'll fit right in

Quinn: You say that as if its not u that's always confused

Mitch: Dude im nowhere as bad as Trevor, Jack and Kniesy

Mitch: dont u dare compare me

Quinn:Ur a rly close 5th place tho

Mitch: 5th?

Quinn: Yorkie

Yorkie: WHY AM I CATCHING STRAYS 

Yorkie: ALSO WHY IS QUINN HATING AGAIN

Quinn: I lurk and wait for the perfect opportunity

Quinn: Also, welcome Barzal, the new hottest member of this chat

Willy:Rude

Trev: EXCUSE U

Quinn: You're excused.

Barzy: thanks i think?

Lukey: That's a rly big compliment coming from him

Lukey: Hes usually to busy staring at two blond forwards on his team to notice anyone else

Quinn: Nuh uh

Lukey: Uh huh

Quinn: Im telling Jack about the night of January 6th

Lukey: NO

Lukey: IM SORRY

Lukey: IT WAS A JOKE

Quinn: that's what I thought

Jack: The fuck happened january 6th?

Quinn: Im not sure....

Quinn: I dont remember

Lukey: Thank u

Lukey: Ur my favourite brother

Jack: WAIT

Jack: TELLLLL MEEEE

Jack: WHAT HAPPENED

Lukey: Nothing happened Quinn was just joking

Jack: Oh kk

Bobo: Jesus

Bo Byram removed Jack Hughes from the chat

Bobo: kk tell us

Yorkie: TELL US

Mitch: Tell us

Barzy: Tell us pls 

Lukey: wtf guys

Quinn: Alright

Lukey: WHAT

Quinn: Its rly not that big of a thing

Quinn: But basically we had just finished playing against them

Quinn: And jack wasn't there at first cause he was in the press box

Quinn: So i walk into the jersey changeroom to go see luke

Quinn: (He told me to meet him there)

Quinn: AND HES FUCKING MAKING OUT WITH DAWSON MERCER

Quinn: IDK Y I HAD TO BE SUBJECTED TO THAT

Bobo: Get it Lukey

Lukey: U SAID U WERE GONNA BE ANOTHER 15 MINUTES

Mitch: And Jack has no clue!?!

Lukey: Nah he's too busy staring at Nico to even pay attention to me

Mitch: I mean have u seen Nico Hischier

Lukey: Still

Barzy: Is no one shocked that he was making out with his teammate?

Mitch: You say that as if u werent going at it with Beau in the maintenance closet like every other game

Barzy: IT WAS NOT THAT OFTEN

Barzy; AND HOW TF DO U KNOW THAT

Mitch: I know people

Mitch: Victims if u will

Barzy: They know nothing

Mitch: They are happy about the newfound silence

Barzy: Don’t even start with me about the fact that he's gone

Barzy: Il'l have a meltdown

Mitch: Buddy its been like 6 months at this point

Barzy: I DON'T CARE

Barzy: I WANT HIM BACK

Bobo: Knowing that this hot ass man is as much of a mess as we are makes me happy

Barzy: :(

Cole: SINCE WHEN IS MAT BARZAL IN THIS CHAT

Cole: LEMME JUST GO FUCKING DIE REAL QUICK

Barzy: Hi?

Mitch; Quit acting all confused u know how hot u are

Cole: Mathew Barzal.

Barzy: Yes?

Cole: If you were in a zoo

Cole: Which animal would u be?

Mitch: Cole stop it with the zoos

Yorkie: stfu about zoos

Bobo: No one likes ur zoos Cole

Quinn: NO MORE ZOOS COLE

Barzy: A donkey!

Barzy: Wait, why don't we like zoos?

Cole: YAY

Cole: HE SEES THE VISION

Quinn: i hate this place

Bobo: Also

Bobo: Did anyone add Jack back?

Quinn: fuck

Lukey: SHIT

Quinn Hughes added Jack Hughes to the chat

Jack: WHAT THE FUCK GUYS

Chapter Text

“Younguns”

Kniesy: I think its funny how people don’t acknowledge Bos music career

Bobo: The fuck you talking about now

Jamie: Kniesy are u doing ok?

Fabes: I have a feeling I know where this is going

Kniesy: Like "Welcome to The internet" was a banger

Bobo: Knies..

Bobo: buddy

Bobo: I'm sorry to crush ur dreams

Kniesy: WHAT

Kniesy: UR TELLING ME THAT IT ISN'T U

Bobo: Thats Bo Burnham's song

Kniesy: Betrayed by my own friend

Jamie: It's not Bos fault ur a dumbass

Kniesy: Be gentle im going through something

Fabes: If it makes you feel any better I thought that at first too

Kniesy: It does thanks

Jamie: How quickly did you figure out the truth though

Fabes: I mean pretty quick but still

Jamie: Matty we've all known each other for years at this point

Jamie: I'm starting to worry

Knies:I had a concussion

Jamie: that doesn't account for everything

WyJo: Just got here and all of a sudden Kniesys blaming a lifetime worth of stupidity on a concussion from last year!?

Kniesy: Guyss

Kniesy: I'm smart sometimes 

WyJo: Yeah sure… how's Woller?

Kniesy: Wonderful bitch, hows Harley?

WyJo: Fuck you

Kniesy: Never in a million years bud

Jamie: Children enough

“GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

Segs: Most people in this chat are single right?

Jamie: I mean me and Trevor are together

Jamie: And i'm pretty sure most of the other guys are pining so hard for teamates that they’re in relationships with their own hands

Mitch: RUDE

Quinn: Fuck u

Lukey: Ur delusional 

WyJo: Shhhhh

Jack: Liar

Trevor: I mean Other than Me, Jamie and Matty i think everyone is single

Mitch: I'm gonna assume you're talking about Chucky cause Kniesy is pathetically obsessed with Woller and refuses to leave his side

Kniesy: Nuh uh

Mitch: But also CHUCKY WHAT THE FUCK

Mitch: WHO THE FUCK ARE U DATING

Mitch: AND Y DOES TREVOR KNOW AND NOT ME

Chucky: Trevor WTF

Trevor: Did they not know?

Chucky: OBVIOUSLY NOT

Trevor: oops

Chucky: YEAH “OOPS”

Willy: I wanna know how Trevor found out

Trevor: Lets just say I have a really bad habit of being in the wrong place at the wrong time

Trevor: Or the right time depending on your stance on voyeurism

Chucky: shut up Trevor

Mitch: WAIT IS IT ANOTHER PLAYER

Trevor: I SWEAR I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING CHUCKY

Chucky: SHUT THE FUCK UP TREVOR

Chucky: STOP TALKING

Trevor: oop

Mitch: WHO THE FUCK IS IT

Chucky: Trevor is delusional its nobody

Willy: Nice save buddy

Chucky: Fuck off

Mitch: ADD HIM TO THE CHAT :)

Chucky: no

Trevor: OK

Trevor Zegras added Leon Draisaitl to the chat

Mitch: WHAT

Mitch: CHUCKY!?

Mitch: THE FUCK?

Segs: OOOOO DRAMAAAA

Segs: I feel like this is unexpected

Willy: Enemies to lovers babyyyy

Chucky: Im gonna kill u trevor

Mitch: WAIT

Mitch: DOES THIS MEANS I WIN THE BET?

Chucky: I was hoping u would forget about that

Willy: What was the bet?

Mitch: I BET HIM THAT HE WOULDN'T LAST ALL ALL-STARS WITHOUTS HOOKING UP WITH DRAI

Mitch: IM FUCKING PSYCHIC

Drai: There was a bet for that?

Drai: I knew u couldnt resist me lmao

Chucky: Shut up

Willy: wait does this mean u guys have been together for like 4 years?

Mitch: WAIT YEA 

Mitch: U HID THIS FROM ME FOR 4 YEARS

Mitch: I HAD TO FIND OUT FROM FUCKING TREVOR ZEGRAS

Trevor: ouch

Chucky: I didn't want to lose the bet mitch 

Mitch: I believe that's no longer my correct title Matthew..

Chucky: Fuck u

Mitch: Fairs fair bud

Chucky: Go to hell Mr. Awesome hair and the best hockey player to ever join the NHL

Mitch: Thank u <3

Willy: How did you even remember that?

Chucky: I have it written on my phone

Chucky: I knew this day was coming eventually

Mitch: That's cute that u knew u and Drai were gonna last so u would have to tell me 

Drai: Cute 

Chucky: Fuck Both of u

Drai: Ur currently in florida or I would

Mitch: No thank u 

Willy: This groupchat is nuts

Mitch: Wait

Mitch: Trevor wasnt at All-Stars 2020?

Trevor: Rude

Trevor: But true

Trevor: Me and Jack went to watch “Quinn”

Trevor: But Jack ditched me to go oogle Hischier

Jack: No need for that

Jack: Also this was before u and Jamie got ur shit together so don't talk to me about “oogleing”

Willy: I don't think that's a word?

Trevor: Anyways

Trevor: So I start wandering hoping to find something to entertain me

Trevor: And I opened a door that I now know is a supply closet

Trevor: I don't know whether to be happy or sad they were both fully clothed

Chucky: Gross trevor

Brady: HOLD THE FUCK UP

Brady: I JUST FINISHED PRACTICE

Brady: WHAT

Brady: THE

Brady: FUCK

Chucky: fuck

Chucky: I forgot he was here

Mitch: He didn't know either?!!!???

Chucky: Trevor and Mcdavid are the only players who know

Mitch: HOW DOES CONNOR KNOW AND NOT ME

Mitch: ALSO HOW DID U KEEP IT A SECRET FOR 4 FUCKING YEARS

Brady: IM GONNA KILL BOTH OF U

Willy: How does Mcdavid know?

Drai: Uh

Chucky: I lied

Chucky: He doesn't know shit

Mitch: I'M GONNA ASK HIM

Mitch: I WILL FIND OUT

Mitch: U CAN'T HIDE FROM ME BITCHES

Drai: I strongly doubt he’ll tell u shit

Mitch: Don’t doubt the power of friendship

Drai: alright

Mitch: WHY WONT HE TELL ME

Mitch: WHAT DO U HAVE ON HIM

Mitch: HE USUALLY ALWAYS TELLS ME SHIT

Mitch: IM KILLING MYSELF

Chucky: Mitch

Chucky: Please don’t

Willy: Wait Segs y did you want to know if we were all single?

Segs: Idk i was gonna make some awesome joke about us being a “single person society”

Cole: We can be a single person ZOO!

Willy: WHERE DID U EVEN COME FROM COLE

Chapter Text

“GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

Barzy: Am I allowed to add beau?

Barrie: Please do he hasn't left me alone since he found out about this chat

Barzy: Then why didn't you add him

Barrie: Why would I do that 

Barrie: He's your man

Barzy: He's your teammate

Barzy: Plus i didn't know that he knew about this chat

Barzy: How did he find out btw?

Barrie: I was telling him how the entire group chat was thirsting over u, in an attempt to get a rise out of him

Barrie: Instead all I got was a “hell ya he's hot”

Barrie: And then “wait why am I not in this groupchat?”

Mitch: I love how he was more concerned about being left out then an entire group chat wanting his man

Mitch: I love Beau

Barzy: Hes mine back off

Willy: Dont worry Mat hes to busy drooling over a certain 69 goal scorer to want Tito

Mitch: Uncalled for man

Willy: It was very called for

BeeBee: I'm pretty sure the entire NHL know how in love you guys are with each other

Mitch: Nuh uh

Mitch: I'm not even that obvious

Mitch: AND he doesn't want me

Willy: Wrong

Barzy: Buddy

Barzy: Are u blind???

Barzy:

Willy: Jesus

Willy: The fact that you can find pictures of you guys looking like that is proof that the closet is glass

Barzy: On a side note

Barzy: I also found this picture on google

Barzy: And I have questions

Barzy:

Mitch: Delete immediately

Willy: Mitchy

Willy: Bud

Willy: I now have a new wallpaper

Mitch: Barzy why did you have to do this to me

Barzy: Sorry :|

Cole: Hello

Willy: Hi Cole?

Cole: I have a question

Willy: If it has anything to do with a Zoo the answer is no?

Cole: What if the question was 

Cole: Should we not have a zoo?

Cole: Are you saying you would say no to that?

Willy: What do you want Cole

Cole: I was just wondering if anyone had heard from Jack?

Quinn: Last I heard hes alive

Lukey: Unfortunately

Quinn: yup

Jack: Surgery went well thanks for asking

Lukey: I'm just glad hes never home

Willy: What do you mean hes never home?

Quinn: Where the hell is he then??

Lukey: At Nicos

Quinn: ah I see

Cole: Recovering at baes house

Jack: He is not my bae

Quinn: He might be but ur too chickenshit to do anything

Jack: His couch is more comfortable than ours

Quinn: Are you actually sleeping on his couch or in his bed

Jack: No comment

Lukey: Originally they were at ours but I kicked them out

Lukey: They were gonna make me sick

Willy: You kicked out your freshly out of surgery brother because you didn't want to deal with him and his boy?

Lukey: You wouldnt understand

Lukey: They are actually the stupidest most oblivious fuckers in the whole universe

Willy: I would understand actually

Willy: Not only do I have to deal with the disaster that is Mitch (and Auston) but I ALSO have to deal with Knisey and Wollers refusal to get some balls and ask each other out

Kniesy: HEY

Kniesy: That's not very nice

Mitch: I thought Mitch bullying hours were over

Willy: If you guys would stop being Idiots I wouldn't have to say things like this

Segs: I can't imagine having 2 different pairs of idiot teammates

Segs: Now that I know that my son is gay my peace has been disturbed

Segs: It took me about 2 seconds to figure out just how hard Wys been pining for my idiot defensemen

Segs: I'm not usually a shit disturber but I've reached my limits

Mitch: Ur not a shit disturber?

Willy: U sure about that?

Segs: Rude

Willy: And from what I've heard you might be part of the second pair of idiots

Segs: No i'm smart

Willy: ....

WyJo: There's no need to exposes family secrets like this Segs

Kniesy: If you thought your obsession with Harls was a secret you are wrong

WyJo: I have Joseph Wolls phone number

WyJo: don't make me use it

Kniesy: WHO THE FUCK GAVE THAT TO YOU

WyJo: You did

WyJo: When i broke into ur phone last time we played each other

Wyjo: It was easy to find

Wyjo: His contact name was legitimately “Wolly <3”

Kniesy: Go to hell

Willy: Kniesy bud….

Kniesy: shhhhh

Kniesy: SOOO

Kniesy: Weren't you just complaining about Wy and Harley Segs?

Kniesy: What were they doing

Wyjo: I have an entire album of your stupid ass pictures that are just ready to be sent

Segs: Ignoring them and back to my story

Willy: Typical Tyler

Segs: ANYWAYS

Segs: SO the playoffs haven't been going great per say

Segs: Actually it's been terrible

WyJo: I hate Vegas

Willy: We all do

Segs: And so after the second loss were all going back to the changeroom all gloomy

Segs: And Harley immediately pulls Wy into a hug and tells him “It'll be better next game”

Segs: I have never seen Wyatt get so red in my life

Segs: He just froze and I had to basically smack him back into reality

WyJo: It was not that bad

Kniesy: One day well believe you

WyJo: The Send button has been pressed

Kniesy: WHAT

Kniesy: NO

“WOLLERKNIESY”

Woller: Why does Wyatt Johnston have my phone number and why did he use it to send me 35 different pictures of u?

Kniesy: Crap

Woller: These are my new favourite pictures 

Woller: You look adorable 

Kniesy: I am not adorable

Woller: Uh huh

Woller: Keep telling urself that

“GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

Mitch: Why did Kniesy just fall off his chair

WyJo: I learned from the best shit disturber I know

Segs: I am so peaceful idk what ur talking about

Wyatt: I didn't even have to name names

Segs: Ur not my favourite child anymore

Segs: I'm going to find Stank

WyJo: Rude

Barzy: Sooooo

Barzy: Can I add Beau?

Mitch: YES

Mat Barzal added Anthony Beauvillier to the chat

Beau: FINALLY

Beau: I HAVE BEEN INITIATED

Chapter Text

“GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

Barzy: GUESS WHO DIDN'T GET SWEPT IN THE PLAYOFFS BITCHESS

Beau: YAY BABE

Barzy: no you have to guess

Beau: DID YOU NOT GET SWEPT!!

Barzy: NO BECAUSE I SCORED TWO GOALS

Segs: Hey Now

Segs: NEITHER DID WE

Segs: WE FINALLY BEAT THE VEGAS FUCKING BITCHES

Segs: I mean the Vegas Golden Knights

Yorkie: those aren’t even remotely similar

Segs: I don’t see your team in the playoffs

Segs: therefore zip it

Yorkie: I don’t know why I bother coming on to this chat at all

Yorkie: I get bullied every single time

Segs: be better at hockey then

BeeBee: We are doing our best :(

Segs: Do better bud

Quinn: You can start speaking when u can score on a breakaway against Vegas dipshit

Segs: THE FUCK DID U COME FROM

Quinn: I came from an OT win :) 

Segs: I hate you

Quinn: <3

Segs: Tell Brock that he’s my new favourite Canuck 

Quinn: I will not be doing that

Segs: Oh

Segs: Is it cause you can’t even look at the majestic beast that is Boeser without blushing :)

Quinn: no

Quinn: I just won’t be bothering him with a lowlife like yous nonsense

Segs: oh fuck u

Quinn: Never

Barzy: Can we get back to the fact that I scored 2 goals to keep my team from getting swept :)

WyJo: I DID THAT TOO

WyJo: I mean we were only 2 games down BUT STILL

Barzy: TWINSIES

Quinn: Challenge: Segs don’t show favouritism towards Wyjo in interviews

Quinn: Challenge: failed

Segs: HE'S JUST A LITTLE CUTIE PATOOTIE

Wyatt: I AM NOT CUTE

Wyatt: I WON OUR TEAM A PLAYOFF GAME

Wyatt: PUT SOME RESPECT ON MY NAME

Segs: I respect you but I also want to pinch ur cheeks

Quinn: I have to unfortunately agree with Segs on this one

Quinn: you give off “just a little guy”  vibes

Wyatt: I can’t believe you agreed with “break away failure” over there just to bully me

Segs: I DIDN'T SEE YOU SCORING ON ANY BREAKAWAYS EITHER

Mitch: That’s not the flex you think it is

Segs: when the leafs start being good u can speak

Mitch: WE ARE DOING OUR BEST

Mitch: I HATE THE MOTHERFUCKING BOSTON BRUINS

Mitch: THEY NEED TO BE GONE

Mitch: I DON'T CARE WHERE 

Mitch: JUST ELSEWHERE 

Mitch : At least I scored in our last game

Mitch: Where’s your goal Seguin

Segs: I love the friendly atmosphere of this chat

Segs: It fills me with rainbows and butterflies 

Quinn: You were filled with rainbows on  the day you were born

Quinn: You popped out and immediately ur mother knew you were gonna be the gay son AND the thot daughter 

WyJo: I have never seen a better description of Tyler

Segs: I am shocked but not surprised 

WyJo: u gonna disagree?

Segs: no comment

Segs: ANYWAYS

Segs: Back to the leafs being bad at hockey

Mitch: ouch

Willy: No need for that

Kniesy: let’s not

Segs: WILLY

Segs: YOU'RE BACK

Willy: Yay

Willy: It would have been nice to win it tho

Segs: What did ya expect 

Segs: Ur against the bruins

Willy: Can we play literally any other team next season

Willy: The Bruins are fucking animals

Cole: It’s almost like……

Mitch: please cole

Quinn: There’s no need

Willy: I’m begging u

Cole: THE BRUINS BELONG IN A ZOO

Quinn: NO

Segs: Someone needs to stop this child

Mitch: Suzuki come collect him please

Suzu: I’m not his keeper

Cole: YA CAUSE UR A ZOOKEEPER

Suzu: no

Cole: you never let me have any fun

Quinn: I swear this kid only shows up to talk about zoos

Cole: They are my passion

Cole: all I want is to share my interests with my friends

Suzu: Since when are zoos your passion

Quinn: Since when are we friends?

Cole: This chat is mean

Cole: goodnight

Segs: thank god

Cole: :(

Segs: Sorry buddy

Mitch: I’m not

Willy: That’s not very nice Mitchell

Mitch: Fuck right off with ur “Mitchell” William

Willy: Don’t u start with the “William” Mitchell

Segs: The girls are fighting

Mitch: I’m going to beat u up

Willy: Nuh uh

Willy: I’ll tell Auston

Mitch: He can’t stop me

Willy: Fuck ur right he’s to whipped

Mitch: nuh uh but I think that means I win the fight

Mitch: So Boom

Willy: I'LL TELL JOHNNY T

Mitch: YOU BITCH

Kniesy: Oof he’s gonna tattle to dad

Mitch: Child stay out of it

Kniesy: u can’t silence me

Mitch: do we really have to do this thing where you pretend to have a backbone and then I go and threaten to tell a certain goalie all of the adorably obsessive remarks you forced upon me and then I end up winning the argument because youre a baby that cant find the courage to ask him out

Kniesy: no

Kniesy: have a good night Mitch

Segs: Mitch in his bullying children era

Mitch : He had it coming

Willy: You know what u have coming

Mitch: What’re you gonna do big man

Willy Nylander added Jeremy Swayman to the chat

Willy Nylander added Linus Ullmark to the chat

Mitch :NO

Mitch: U TRAITOR

Mitch: I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS TREACHERY

Segs: ignoring Mitch’s overdramatic ass

Segs: and the fact that he knows the word “treachery”

Segs: I KNEW THAT GAYNESS WAS STORED IN GOALIE HUGS

Segs: Am I allowed to tell Oettinger 

Segs: Because he owes me lots of money

Sway: hello friends

Sway: I’m gonna assume this is the Gay NHL chat

Sway: and yes you can tell Otter

Sway: Though I’m shocked he didn’t know

Ully: This seems fun

Ully: and it also shouldn’t come as a shock to find out that the homosexual vibes coming from our very obviously non-platonic hug are because we are together

Sway: Babe that’s a whole lot of complicated words that no needs in their lives

Quinn: Oh no there’s another one

Sway: ????

Quinn: another dumbass

Sway: I went to college

Quinn: So did Zegras

Quinn: and you can see how that turned out 

Segs: Poor guys not even here to defend himself 

Quinn: don’t worry he knows

Sway: I’m smart though

Ully: Sure you are babe

Sway: :)

Quinn: Ew couples

Sway: I’m sorry are u not with pettersson and Boeser

Sway: Also tell Brock that his Hat trick was awesome

Sway: I’m glad I’m not the Nash Goalie

Segs: Even the new guys think ur throuple is together

Quinn: WERE NOT GUYS

Quinn: WERE ALL JUST BUDS

Quinn: Best friends

Quinn: teammates 

Quinn: Besties

Quinn: Bros

Segs: Stay delusional my friend

Chapter Text

“GGG”

Otter: The Tension in this chat is real

Otter: Leafs just beat Boston

Otter: Woll vs Sway

Otter: Will they or won’t they be civil

Otter: The innocent civilian of this group chat is awaiting 

Sway: Fuck off

Woll: “innocent”

Woll: thats funny

Otter: All of a sudden the rivals have turned to allies to harm the child of the chat

Woll: Ur like 5 months younger

Sway: Ur maturity level may be that of a small child

Sway: So there's that

Otter: THE STRAYS I'M CATCHING RN

Otter: Fight each other instead pls :)

Woll: Ur dumb

Sway: No game is gonna get in between us

Sway: Even if its the game that would have guaranteed our spot in the second round of the playoffs

Otter: I see ur doing fine then

Sway: Fantastic babe don't even worry about it

Otter: Omg ur making me blush 

Woll: Im sure ur boyfriend would be happy to know about u flirting with others

Otter: I AM NOT “OTHERS”

Otter: And Ullmark loves me

Sway: About that

Woll: WHAT DO U MEAN “ABOUT THAT”

Woll: UR STILL TOGETHER RIGHT???????

Sway: Obviously

Sway: I just have a question for doofus

Otter: :( 

Sway: Seguin said that you owed him money after he found out that me and Linus were dating

Sway: U were legit the first person I told after we got together?

Otter: first of all it was like 20 dollars

Otter: Second I stole that 20 from him because he’s an idiot

Otter: and lastly, it’s just really fun to mess with Tyler

Otter: Cause when people disagree with him he goes on long ass rants and forces people to listen

Otter: and I didn’t feel like helping the cleanup after practice so I told him there was no way that the Goalie Hugs were gay

Sway: U manipulative little shit

Woll: That’s like the best thing you’ve ever done in ur life

Otter:<3

Otter: ANYWAY

Otter: Back to the game

Otter: Wolly

Woll: yes?

Otter: That was a very nice GWG wouldn’t u agree

Woll: Yes it was

Woll: My team is very good

Otter: U know that’s not what I meant

Woll: I have no clue what u mean

Sway: Ooooooooo

Otter : Don’t go thinking I didn’t see the cute ass hug at the end either

Woll: Kniesy won the game

Woll: Was I not supposed to hug him?

Sway: idk man

Sway: All I’m saying is that hug looked real similar to me and Ullys hugs

Sway: And you know where that got us

Woll: Nuh uh

Woll: we’re just friends

Otter: Oh buddy..

Woll: I don’t want to talk about it 

Sway: U sure?

Woll: ….

Woll: DID U GUYS SEE HIS FUCKING FACE WHEN HE WON

Woll: I ALMOST FUCKING TRIED TO KISS HIM AT CENTRE ICE

Otter: We figured

“GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

Barzy: Playoff season is over :(

Quinn: Very different entrance from last time u spoke in chat

Barzy: :( :( :(

Beau: We’re going back to Nash Babbyyy

Beau: CANNUCKS LOSTTTT 

Quinn: I’m aware

Beau: :)

Mitch: WERE STILL ALIVE BABY

Willy: PEOPLE THOUGHT OUR TIME WAS DONE

Willy: THEY DIDN'T KNOW THAT WE HAD JOSEPH “BRICK” WOLL AS A SECRET WEAPON

Kniesy: YAAAAA

Mitch: AND MATTHEW KNIES WITH THE GAMEEEE WINNNNNERRRRR

Willy: WOLLERKNIESY NATION RISE UP

Sway: We’ll see u guys in game 6 :)

Mitch: I forgot we allowed the enemy into this chat

Sway: I have been nothing but peaceful 

Mitch: He’s a spy I’m telling u guys

Willy: Mitch leave the rivalry on the ice 

Mitch: fine

Mitch: ANYWAY

Mitch: MATTHEW KNIES U SIMP

Kniesy: Shhh it’s a secret

Sway I promise it’s not

Mitch: Would someone who’s not a simp say “I feel safe when he’s in net”

Kniesy: he’s a good goalie

Kniesy: and I’m obsessed with him 

Kniesy: and his hugs may be the best thing to ever happen to me and make me feel super safe

Mitch: We know what u meant u adorable little simp

Kniesy: He probably didn’t notice 

Kniesy: I did say “net”

Kniesy: It’s a very friendly teammatey thing to say

Sway: I’m sure he is oblivious to ur double meaning

“GGG”

Woll: AND WHEN HE SAID THAT HE FELT SAFE WHEN I WAS IN NET

Woll: I WANTED TO DIE

Woll: MOM I LOVE HIM

Sway: This is the funniest yet most annoying thing I’ve ever experienced 

"GOTTA CATCHEM"

Willy: Can we also talk about Kniesy going after Pasta

Kniesy: He was tryna go after Mo

Kniesy: Can’t let that happen

Mitch: The girls on twitter went nuts

Willy: Kniesy man imma need you to keep doing that

Kniesy: :) 

Mitch: I’m sure Woll appreciated the view too

Kniesy: Shut up

Kniesy: Not everything is about Woller

Kniesy: He was all the way in net he definitely didn’t even notice

Kniesy: Probably

Sway: that would make sense

"GGG"

Woll: AND DID YOU GUYS SEE HIM GO AFTER PASTRNAK

Woll: I WAS HAVING DIFFICULTY FOCUSING AFTER THAT SHIT

Woll: AND U BEST BELIVED I STALKED THE FUCK OUT OF TWITTER AFTERWARDS

Woll: JESUS HE'S HOT

Sway: Do u feel better now

Woll: I'm also rly happy that we got to do media together 

Otter: Ur so gone man

Sway: U should ask him out

Woll: I CAN'T

Woll: I don’t think he likes me that way

Sway: U should trust me when I say I think he does

Woll: He would have told me

Woll: I think?

Otter: oh buddy

"GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

Kniesy: Anyways

Mitch: Sure buddy

Kniesy: has anyone else scene that picture of Jamie Motherfucking Drysdale

Kniesy: The one with the ugly ass pants

Trevor: SEE JAMES I TOLD U THEY WERE UGLY

Willy: Jamie I’m really disappointed in you

Willy: What were u thinking

Jamie: in my defence 

Jamie: I have no defence

Trevor: ALSO

Trevor: JOEL FARABEE

BeeBee: Yes Trevor

Trevor: Keep ur god damn hands off my jimbo

BeeBee: No

BeeBee: He’s just so squishy 

Jamie: RUDE

Trevor: YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM

Trevor: HES MINE ALONE TO SQUISH

Jamie: LEAVE ME ALONE WITH THE SQUISHY THING

Mitch: U do look squishy bud

Mitch: Kniesy is kinda the same

Mitch: It’s a good thing

Mitch: Good for hugs

Mitch: Kniesy where are u

Kniesy: At home?

Mitch: I’m coming over to hug u

Kniesy: Okay :)

Trevor: Jamie call me please :)

Jamie: Kk

BeeBee: and now I’m all alone 

BeeBee: Wait

BeeBee: Jamie?

Jamie: What

BeeBee: U haven’t changed ur code right

Jamie: No

BeeBee: Fantastic

Jamie: Please don’t come to my house

BeeBee: U CAN'T STOP ME

Jamie: @Frosty

Frosty: what

Jamie: Can u pretty please stop him 

Frosty: if I do u owe me big time

Jamie: Please

Frost: fine

“GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

BeeBee: U SENT FROSTY AFTER ME

BeeBee: WHAT THE FUCK

Jamie: What did he do

BeeBee: distracted me 

BeeBee: and stole my car keys

Frosty: Are u actually angry tho

BeeBee:no

Jamie: Kniesy we found u a simp buddy

BeeBee: :(

Chapter Text

“GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

Drai: I have a new member for this chat

Draisaitl added Kailer Yamamoto to the chat

Yamo: this is the best thing to ever happen to me

Yamo: also how dare none of you add me

Yamo: I had to resort to blackmail 

Yamo: and I’m too pretty for that

Drai: You did not blackmail me

Yamo: it was subconscious trust me

Yamo: u know that I know things so ur more compelled to do whatever I want

Quinn: what’s the blackmail Yamo

Segs: Share with the class

Yamo: I would tell u but then I cant blackmail Drai anymore

Quinn: you have to do ur part if you want to stay in this chat

Drai: he doesn’t need to do anything

Yamo: it’s more fun to be watch Drai squirm

Yamo: I wonder if my info could get me stuff out of Davo too

Mitch: So this pertains to Drai and Connor

Mitch: IS THIS PERHAPS THE REASON CONNOR WONT TELL ME WHY HE KNEW ABOUT U AND CHUCKY

Drai: no

Yamo: wait these people know about ur relationship 

Drai: Not everything so be quiet

Yamo: We all know i'm not very good at that 

Quinn: I’ve come to the realisation that Yamo is just a smaller version of Seggy

Segs: NUH UH

Segs: I DON'T APPROVE OF THIS

Yamo: WHY THE FUCK ARE U SO OFFENDED FOR

Yamo: IF ANYTHING I SHOULD BE OFFENDED 

Wyatt: look what u started Quinn

Quinn: oops

Segs: WHY THE FUCK WOULD U BE OFFENDED 

Segs: IM FANTASTIC

Wyatt: That’s pushing it

Segs: YOU COULD ONLY DREAM OF BEING ME

Yamo: IT WOULD BE A NIGHTMARE

Yamo: AT LEAST I GET BITCHES

Segs: I GET PLENTY U ABSOLUTE WHORE

Yamo: SUUUUURE

Yamo: I KNOW ALL

Yamo: I'M SURE WYATT WOULD LOVE TO KNOW ABOUT UR DRUNK ONE NIGHT STAND IN 2020

Segs: THAT IS NOT NECESSARY

Segs: AND HOW THE FUCK DO U KNOW THAT

Segs: I AM THE ONLY PERSON WHO REMEMBERS THAT NIGHT

Wyatt: I wanna know who this one night stand was with

Wyatt: And why is was so bad that even Seggy hasn’t said anything 

Wyatt: U can trust that he never keeps his mouth shut about anything 

Wyatt: Also how is he the only person that remembers?

Wyatt: I'm pretty sure it takes at least 2 people to have a one night stand?

Quinn: consider me interested 

Segs: it was nothing

Yamo: Uh huh

Wyatt: Why was it so bad then?

Segs: U don’t need to know anything

Segs: And how did this turn out to be bullying Tyler Time

Yamo: you came for me u bitch

Segs: I don’t know how Brian deals with you

Yamo: My amazing personality and great ass

Wyatt: I’m seeing the similarities now

Segs: I’m disowning you Wy 

Wyatt: have fun trying to win round 2 then :)

Segs: this newfound confidence isn’t working for u

Quinn: I’m sure all media platforms are going to be devastated when Wyatt turns 21 in a couple of days

Segs: Ik there’s gonna be no more "HE'S ONLY 20"

Wyatt: I’m getting old :,(

Segs: Fuck off with that

Quinn: if ur old that makes me old and I’m not ready to be as ancient of Seguin yet

Segs: All of you need to fuck off

Segs: I’m so Youthful 

Wyatt: Sure

Wyatt: At least the media doesn’t depict u as my dad

Wyatt: I think Jamie is gonna pop a fuse next time he has to explain that he’s not old enough to be my dad

Wyatt: the fans have gone wild with the narrative 

Segs: WyJo and dads line

Wyatt: yes that

Segs: I think it’s slay

Wyatt: Never say that again

Quinn: The girlies on twitter and their found family edits make me happy

Yamo: I love them so much

Mitch: All of ours are sad now tho

Segs: One day the fans will stop being shocked when the leafs lose round 1

Mitch: WE WERE SO CLOSE

Segs: Not close enough

Mitch: I don’t want to talk about it anymore

Jack: While we’re on the topic of series clinching games

Mitch: We could move on

Jack: no

Jack: Anyways

Jack: Did anyone else see my brother grope an enemy player on live tv

Quinn: It wasn’t groping

Quinn: It was a friendly pat

Jack: No

Mitch: Quinn u gotta be careful

Mitch: Ur gay is showing

Quinn: Shut up

Segs: how did ur blondies react to that

Quinn: Fuck off Seguin

Quinn: but they maybe asked me if I was seeing him in secret 

Quinn: and I definitely am not for your information 

Jack: We know

Segs: So we’re all in agreement that Quinner did that to make Boeser and Pettersson jealous

Quinn: That would be ridiculous it was an accident

Quinn: there was no ulterior motive

Wyatt: dor sure quinn

Mitch: we definitely believe you

Yamo: for sureee

Jack: uh huh

Quinn: I’ve had enough of this chat

Segs: How does it feel to be on the receiving end of bullying 

Segs: Not so nice is it

Quinn: Ya but I don’t deserve this treatment

Segs: Are you saying I do!?

Quinn: yes

Quinn: ALSO

Quinn: why aren’t we talking about sway and Knies

Sway: Wollers prob not happy ur so obsessed with me all of a sudden

Kniesy: Oh fuck off

Sway: Maybe next time don’t become a bowling ball 

Kniesy: I obviously didn’t mean too

Segs: My favourite part is that now that Woller isn't playing Knies went and found a new goalie

Sway: Ully told me to stop trying to steal Wollers man

Kniesy: He did not

Sway: he did

Quinn: More evidence that wollerkniesy nation should rise

Mitch: Woller thought it was cute tho

Mitch: WollerKniesy nation will rise one day

Mitch: Hopefully I’m still a leaf by then

Willy: DO NOT EVEN SPEAK OF THAT

Kniesy: Ur not allowed to leave

Kniesy: Be quiet

Mitch: :(

Segs: On a happier note

Segs: At least we beat the Knights

Mitch: thank god for that

Mitch: like sure we got eliminated but at least Vegas is out too

Quinn: You did us all a favour by eliminating those fuckers

Segs: I swear I’ve never been more proud of my team

Wyatt: Fuck the golden knights

Wyatt: Not actually tho

Wyatt; They’re all old and crusty

Segs: I’ve raised him well

Segs: He even hit one of them

Segs: My child is awesome

Wyatt: I thought you disowned me?

Segs: You scored one of two goals to beat them

Segs: I have a legacy to continue with u as my son

Wyatt: thanks mom

Segs: No problem son

Segs: But also I’m not old enough to be ur parent

Segs: Leave that to Pavs and Jamie

Chapter Text

“GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

Willy: Leon Draisaitl

Willy: Matthew Tkachuk

Chucky: yes?

Willy: I know ur secret

Drai: What secret?

Willy: You act so innocent

Trevor: I’m confused

Mitch: Your always confused but this isn’t about you

Drai: I have no idea what you mean William

Willy: I know a romantic hug when I see one

Willy: Drai u dirty dog

Willy: On the ice?!

Willy: And while there were people filming in the locker room?

Drai: Shit

Chucky: I told you it looked suspicious 

Mitch: Wait now I’m confused

Trevor: Hypocrite 

Drai: It wasn’t that romantic looking

Willy: Your entire team was doing a group hug while you and lover boy were gently caressing each other instead 

WIlly: ON THE ICE

WIlly: IN FRONT OF EVERYONE

Willy: And also I have Mitch and Auston on my team

Willy: I know what a romantic hug looks like

Mitch: oh fuck off

Mitch: But Drai was hugging Mcdavo on the ice?

Mitch: Chucky wasn't even there

Yamo: we are so close to a revelation

Mitch: was there another hug that I missed?

Willy: Ur so close

Trevor: WAIT 

Trevor: WTF

Trevor: Why wasn’t he in the closet at all stars too

Trevor: That would’ve been a wet dream come true

Mitch: Why would Connor have been in their makeout closet

Drai: Has Connor actually not told you?

Willy: Chucky and Drai and Mcdavid sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G

Mitch: WHAT

Mitch: THATS WHY HE KNEW U AND CHUCKY WERE FUCKING

Mitch: BECAUSE HE WAS PARTICIPATING 

Mitch: AND HE DIDN'T TELL ME

Mitch Marner added Connor Mcdavid to the chat

Mitch: YOU LITTLE FUCKER

Davo: What?

Chucky: He found out 

Davo: crap

Mitch: I THOUGHT WE WERE BEST FRIENDS

Mitch: ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT UR DATING NOT 1 BUT 2 GUYS

Mitch: I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW U WERE GAY

Davo: I have definitely come out to u before

Davo: U might have been drunk tho

Mitch: i feel betrayed

Yamo: My chest feels so much lighter now that this is exposed

Yamo: I was being crushed by the weight of this immense secret

Segs: Yamos back with the dramatics

Trevor: The hypocrisy in this chat is wild

Segs: Why would I be a Hypocrite?

Segs: I am calm and collected

Wyatt: We wish

Segs: Fuck you all

Trevor: Not with that haircut

Willy: I TOLD U IT WAS AWFUL

Segs: IT'S NOT THAT BAD

Mitch: I’m really hoping you fired your barber

Wyatt: to be fair to Segs

Wyatt: It might be the worst haircut I’ve ever seen

Segs: JAMIE SAID IT WASN'T THAT BAD

Segs: But yes I am trying to find a new barber for completely unrelated reasons

Wyatt: Yeah but Jamie’s biased 

Mitch: oh?

Mitch: Is this tea I hear?

Segs: There’s no tea

Segs: ANYWAY..

Wyatt: No

Segs: Screw off wyatt

Segs: How’s Harley 

Mitch: That won’t work we’ve all seen the evidence of Wyatt’s crush on Harley

Mitch: You and Jamie is new info

Willy: Is it tho?

Wyatt: There is no “evidence” of my crush

Segs: Sure buddy boy

Wyatt: Go to hell you dramatic hoe with a bad haircut

Mitch: Claws are out

Mitch: Anyway

Mitch: what’s the tea with Jamie

Wyatt: You mean other than the fact that they spend every moment of their lives with each other

Wyatt: And subject the whole team to their staring 

Wyatt: And their blushing

Wyatt: And their casual touches that are way to frequent and loving to be platonic

Segs: That’s just not true

Segs: It’s not like we even live together

Wyatt: You live on the same street

Wyatt: And before you lived in the same apartment complex

Segs: How do you know that?

Segs: This was before your time

Wyatt: You underestimate just how much people complain about u and Cap

Willy: I’m pretty sure the entire league knows how much u and Benn are gone for each other

Segs: This is not true

Segs: I’m a strong Independent woman

Segs: I don’t need no man

Wyatt: Maybe not but u certainly want one

Segs: I’m done with the conversation now

“GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

Frosty: Everyone wish me a happy birthday

Frosty: Right now

Jamie: It’s 12:01 am

Frosty: and?

Jack: No everyone has to wish me a happy birthday first

Jack: it’s not all about you Frost

Frosty: EXCUSE ME

Frosty: I said it first so they should wish me a happy birthday first

Jack: Ya well I’m injured so they should pity me

Segs: HAPPY BIRTHDAY WYJOO

Segs: MY CHILD IS FINALLY LEGAL TO DRINK

Jamie: Happy birthday Wyatt

Willy: Happy birthday!

Kniesy: Happy Bday Babygirl

Wyatt: Thanks guys

Jack: this is blasphemy 

Mitch: Wyatt legit just scored 2 goals in a playoff game against the avs 

Mitch: What are u doing with your life rn

Jack: Unimportant 

Frosty: That’s for me to know and for you to mind your business

Mitch: Uh huh

Jack: It’s not like ur doing much more

Frosty: I’m the oldest so I should be wished a happy birthday first it’s just logic

Jack: Ya well I was drafted first overall so I deserve the birthday wishes first

Segs: Ya well Wy had more goals than both of you this year

Segs: So zip it

Jack: I WAS INJURED

Segs: Doesn’t matter

Wyatt: as the youngest birthday celebrator today I feel honoured to be wished happy birthday before the others

Wyatt: I obviously remain the most relevant ;)

Jack: You little shit

Jack: I’m coming for u

Mitch: with your banged up shoulder all the way in New Jersey?

Jack: Maybe I’ll wait till next season then

Wyatt: I'll be waiting :)

Frosty: Il accept ur apology if u do one thing for me

Wyatt: I didn’t apologise but go on 

Frosty: Make sure the Rangers don’t win the cup

Frosty: I hate the Rangers

Jack: Me too

Mitch: Honestly them not winning would be good for all

Wyatt: That might not be in our control but we will do our best

Segs: I’m really hoping we don’t have to play them

Segs: I value my head

Wyatt: Just get Jamie to protect u

Segs oh fuck off

Chapter Text

“GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

Segs: CONFERENCE FINALS BABYYYY

Quinn: I’m upset that we lost but my body hurts so much I’m not even sure I could’ve played anymore

Drai: Is that your excuse for losing ? 

Quinn: I will destroy your bloodline

Drai: uh huh for sure

Quinn: Don’t make me side with Seguin for this conference final battle

Segs: What do you mean “make you” I am fantastic

Segs: my team is fantastic too obviously 

Quinn: you bring down the entire value of you team

Segs: I’m glad you got eliminated 

Segs: it means I get to eliminate Mcjesus and friends

Drai: thats funny

Drai: you're going down 

Segs: uh huh for sure

Drai: don’t use my words against me

Segs: Go fuck yourself

Drai: I have 2 boyfriends for that thanks very much

Drai: But I suppose you wouldn’t know how that feels huh

Segs: I hate this place

Segs: I’m going to the secret garden in my mind

Segs: Where the oilers and panthers and especially rangers don’t exist

Quinn: A Oiler Panthers cup final would be fun though

Quinn: Think of the narrative Seggy 

Segs: the narrative can go to hell

Drai: Matty if your team could win that would be great

Drai: Cause then at least the cup stays in the family even if you guys beat us (unlikely)

Drai: And we could get rid of the rangers quickly so no one has to watch them anymore

Quinn: I hate the rangers

Segs: you have to beat us first (unlikely bitch) 

Drai: Seguin, we will destroy you

Quinn: Now we’re going in around in circles again

Segs: Fine

Quinn: let’s speak about how no matter who wins, a former Ottawa senator is going to get the cup

Giroux: Let’s not

Brady: please we don’t have to

Segs: Your staff really knows how to get rid of great players

Segs: Dutchy is actually my new husband

Drai: Duchene is a beast man

Brady: He's so good that his ass got too big and caused a goal to be overturned 

Segs: We almost didn’t win cause Dutchy's ass was too fat 

Segs: It’s a really nice ass to be fair

Wyatt: True fact

Wyatt: I see it everyday

Wyatt: 100% quality ass

Segs: Wyatt you’re a child

Segs: Do not speak this way

Giroux: doesn’t this “child” have a boyfriend though?

Wyatt: NO I DO NOT

Wyatt: I'M SINGLE AS A PRINGLE

Quinn: You sure about that?

Trevor: Wyatt, we’ve seen the mic’d up video

Trevor: no way ur still single

Trevor: I don’t believe you

Wyatt: Says the man who went on a date with a man that wasn’t his boyfriend 

Cole: Wyatt if your jealous of our love just say so

Wyatt: go back to ur boring dates u losers

Cole: To be fair I wanted to got to the Zoo

Trevor: We have better Zoos in the US and Canada u moron

Trevor: Also the aesthetics of going on a wine and dine date

Segs: The date was cute I won’t deny

Segs: But briefly back to Wyatt

Segs: Maybe try to look less whipped when your trying to tell the love of your life that you ”don’t like him”

Wyatt: I hate u Segs

Segs: if it’s the same way you hate Harls I’m sorry to let you down but I don’t feel the same way

Wyatt: Not everything is about you Seguin 

Segs: But what if it is?

Wyatt: I’m quitting the team

Giroux: You kids confuse me

Giroux: So your not dating the guy that followed you around like a puppy during the entire video

Wyatt: NO

Wyatt: We’re friends

Trevor: Or brothers according to Stars Admin

Segs: They’re trying to hide the gay away

Segs: But it begs the questions

Segs: Brothers or Lovers?

Wyatt: NEITHER

Wyatt: WERE FRIENDS

Wyatt: I’m killing myself rn

Segs: Please don’t

Segs: We need u to win

Wyatt: I hate u

Segs: Love you too buddy boy 

Segs: Anygays

Segs: How’s golfing season

Mitch: Fantastic thanks

Willy: Liar

Segs: Wow Mitch you come into the chat just to lie!?

Segs: I’m so disappointed 

Mitch: I’m so sorry that I’ve been having a meltdown about having to move ever since the season ended

Mitch: I dont want to get traded :(

Segs: Oh ya I forgot about that

Segs: you're excused for lying

Mitch: Thanks

Willy: Nashville seems to be the team people are thinking you're going to 

Willy: which isn't that bad

Willy: at least it's not the Rangers

Segs: At least Nash has hot people

Barrie: WE DO

Barrie: Come back into my loving arms my hunny munch

Barrie: I’ve missed you

Mitch: at least I’ll have Tyson ig

Barrie: We also have Josi 

Barrie: Wonderful on the eyes

Willy: This is true

Segs: Even I have to admit that that man may be the hottest hunk to ever play hockey

Segs: Maybe to ever exist

Mitch: He is hot I’ll admit

Mitch: but Toronto :(

Barrie: after about three days of having him boss you around you’ll be too hot and bothered to even care

Segs: Tyson Barrie I love you 

Barrie: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard what can I say

Willy: Trade Idea

Willy: Nash gets Mitch and we get Josi and Barrie

Willy: We do need to upgrade our D core

Barrie: buddy I love you and myself but I’m no upgrade

Barrie: And Nash is never getting rid of their PR pretty boy captain manly model hunk man

Mitch: if that happens THAN I HAVE NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO IN FUCKING NASHVILLE

Mitch: I DON'T LOOK GOOD IN YELLOW

Mitch: I LOOK GOOD IN ANY COLOUR BUT FUCKING YELLOW

Barrie: Yeah.. the yellow isn’t great

Mitch: AND

Mitch: I'LL HAVE TO LIVE IN AMERICA

Mitch: IM A CANADIAN BOY

Mitch: IM NOT SUITED FOR THE FUCKING USA

Mitch: I’m killing myself

Trevor: The US is great idk what your scared of

Segs: Yeah I’ve been here my entire career 

Barrie: Segs..

Barrie: No offence I forgot you were Canadian 

Mitch: WHAT IF THAT HAPPENS TO ME

Mitch: PEOPLE COULD SEE ME AS AN AMERICAN 

Mitch: THEY WILL THINK I SPELL COLOUR WITHOUT A U

Mitch: That’s it.

Mitch: I’m dying before I go to the US

Willy: Quit the dramatics 

Willy: You’ll be fine 

Willy: Couldn’t be me

Willy: But it is you so good luck :)

Mitch: Maybe it’s a good thing that I’m going

Mitch: I hate Willy

Mitch: I’m taking Kniesy with me

Willy: YOU CANT HAVE HIM

Willy: HE'S MY CHILD

Willy: I'VE TAUGHT HIM ALL HE KNOWS

Mitch: YA WELL THATS WHAT U GET

Mitch: HES MINE NOW

Mitch: AND HES ALREADY AMERICAN SO HE WONT HAVE ANY NEW TRAUMA ABOUT THE LETTER U

Willy: if you take him I will be killing myself

Segs: a lot of death talk in the chat today

Kniesy: Do I have a say in this?

Mitch: no

Willy: no

Kniesy: ok

Chapter Text

"GOTTA CATCHEM ALL"

Skinner: Thank you Matthew Tkatchuk

Chucky: You're very welcome

Mitch: Chucky imma come visit u just to give you a smooch

Drai: No you will not?

Mitch: You're gonna be too busy beating Seguin to stop me

Segs: Listen here you little bitch, we still have a chance

Mitch: Such vulgar words this early in the morning, are the nerves getting to you?

Segs: I'm gonna castrate u

Chucky: Boys let's be kind to one another 

Chucky:THE FUCKING LOSERS THAT ARE THE RANGERS GOT ELIMINATED THIS IS CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION!!!

Mitch: YAAAAAAAA

Drai: FUCK THE RANGERS

Segs: Thank fuck for the panthers ig

Skinner: We must honour the hero that is Ottawa Senator Vladimir Tarasenko

Skinner: Oh i mean Florida Panther Valdimir Tarasenko

Skinner: oops

Brady: Go to hell :)

Giroux: At least the Sens are still having an impact on the Stanley Cup Playoffs

Giroux: Where are the Sabers?

Skinner: Hey man Mittelstadt helped the Avs get far

Giroux: Last I checked the Avs are out ???

Skinner: I'm done with the conversation now.

Yorkie: While on the topic of the Avs

Cam York has added Erik Johnson to the chat

EJ: WHAT IS UP BITCHES

Skinner: Who let this man in

EJ: YOU JERK YOU FUCKING LOVE ME STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE THE YOUNGER GENERATION OTHERWISE

Skinner: I do not love you, I love the fact that your in philly now

EJ: I've been rejected by the love of my life

EJ: this is blasphemy

Skinner: Don't you have a husband to annoy?

EJ: OH MY GOD WHY ISN'T GABEY IN THIS CHAT

Drai: What have you done Skinner?!

Skinner: York is the one who added him this is his fault not mine

Yorkie: I'm sorry were you the one being tortured until you had absolutely no other choice but to add him!?

Yorkie: HE KEPT TRIPPING ME AT PRACTICE FOR WEEKS AND I HAD NO IDEA WHY

Yorkie: I THOUGHT HE HATED ME

Yorkie: AND THEN HE LEFT HIS SMELLY ASS EQUIPMENT UNDER MY HOTEL BED SHEETS AFTER PRACTICE

Yorkie: I HAD TO GO STAY IN JAMIES HOTEL BECAUSE IT SMELT SO BAD

Yorkie: AND THEN JAMIE GOT MAD THAT HE HAD TO CUDDLE WITH ME 

Yorkie: (which is rude i'm a delight)

Yorkie: BUT THEN WHEN THE OFF SEASON HIT HE STILL WOULNT FUCKIGN LEAVE ME ALOONNNNEEE

Yorkie: I ALMOST WENT TO THE GM TO GET HIM TO TRADE EITHER ME OR EJ CAUSE AT THIS POINT I WOULD HAVE RATHERED LEAVING OVER DEALING WITH THIS FUCKING MAN

Yorkie: AND THIS IS WHEN EJ FINALLY TELLS ME THAT HE WOULD STOP IF I ADDED HIM TO THE GAY CHAT

Yorkie: So i'm sorry if my sanity isn't that important to you

Skinner: You poor poor child

EJ: None of this would have happened if someone had added me to the chat

Yorkie: I hate u

Skinner: Ej what have we said about torturing young defencemen

EJ: not to? ….

Skinner: We don't want another Bo Breakdown© now do we

Bobo: I still haven't recovered 

Bobo: My therapist says i have PTSD

Bobo: Yorkie if you need me and Dahlin have and support group for YDTBE

EJ: The hell is that?

Bobo: Young defenseman traumatised by EJ

EJ: That is completely unnecessary

Yorkie: I would like to join please

Skinner: Ej look what you've done

EJ: They love me

Skinner: Your shenanigans caused Bo to try and admit himself to a psych ward because he thought he was going crazy

Bobo: I'm still not convinced i'm not

EJ: this is blasphemy

Jeff Skinner added Gabe Landeskog to the chat

EJ: HUSBAND

Skinner: How is EJs main victim holding up

Landy: I'm doing well thanks

EJ: see he loves me

Landy: I married you i don't really have a choice anymore :)

EJ: Divorce immediately 

Landy: I'm kidding I'm just waiting for you to get here

EJ: My flight is tomorrow so not too long now

Yorkie: IM BEING FREED FROM EJ

Yorkie: IM THROWING A PARTY AND THEN CRYING MY EYES OUT FOR 8 BUSINESS DAYS IM SO FUCKING HAPPY

Yorkie: THANK FUCKK

Landy: Erik… did you traumatise another baby d man?

EJ: I would never.

Skinner: Even your own husband has no faith in you

EJ: I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BULLYING

Landy: Sorry babe

EJ: You're Forgiven

EJ: BUT SKINNER YOU COUNT YOUR DAYS

EJ: YOU MAY BE OLD BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN ILL SPARE YOU

Skinner: I AM NOT OLD YOUR OLD

Segs: The girls are fighting again

Landy: Also

Landy: Where's Nate

Landy: Why isn't he here??

Mitch: NATHAN MACKINNON IS GAY????!!

Yorkie: WTF

Bobo: Oh yeah I forgot to add him

Bobo: See, EJ I left out on purpose but because I try so hard to suppress my memories on the Avs (because of ej) I must not have remembered Natemac

EJ: rude 

EJ: BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW MY CHILD WAS GAY

EJ: I FEEL BETRAYED

Bobo: do you not remember what you did to me when i came out?

Bobo: he was probably trying to avoid the same fate

Bobo: Because he came out pretty soon after you left

EJ: the world hates me

Bobo: Nah when it wasn't focused on me your chaos is fun

EJ: this is why your my favourite child

Bobo: :)

Mitch: is someone gonna add Nate??

Mitch: Cause I have soooo many questions

Bobo: Oui oui mon ami I'll get to it

Landy: Just because Sammy and Jo spoke french around you often, doesn't make u fluent

Bobo: Rude

Bobo: Thats very non non mon ami of you

Landy: I'm glad ur in buffalo

Bobo: My own father betraying me

Bobo: Its fine tho daddy issues make me funnier

Bo Byram added Nathan Mackinnon to the chat

Nate: Hello????

Mitch: Hello Nate.

Nate: What is this?

Landy: Bo.. did you not explain this to him before you added him?

Bo: Uhhhhh no?

Landy: Jesus Christ

EJ: NATE MY CHILD

Nate: EJ we miss you in Colorado please come back

EJ: SEE EVERYONE SOMEONE LOVES ME

Landy: Nate this is a chat for all the gay NHLers

Nate: Ohhhhhh

Nate: that's why Seguin and Mitch are here

Segs: Rude but valid

Mitch: I take that as a compliment

Mitch: ANYWAYS

Mitch: Are you fucking Sid?

Mitch: Cause i've heard rumors

Segs: and people say I have no filter

Nate: Uhh no I have a boyfriend!??

Mitch: And you're sure he's not named Sidney Crosby?

Nate: Pretty Sure

Bobo: WAIT DOES THAT MEAN YOU GUYS FINALLY GOT YOUR SHIT TOGETHER

Bobo: IVE BEEN FUCKIGN WAITING

Nate: It wasn't that bad 

Bobo: DUDE THE AMOUNT IF SEXUAL TENSION IN THE GODDAMN ROOM MADE ME WANT TO GAG

Bobo: YOU GUYS WERE LITERALLY ATTACHED AT THE FUCKIGN HIP

Ej: WHAT AM I MISSIGN HERE

EJ: Who the fuck is this mystery man

Landy: If you think about it,which i know is difficult for u, it's easy to figure out

EJ: Rude

EJ: OMG I FORGOT THAT JO IS ON THE AVS NOW

EJ: YOU WERE SO CUTE WITH UR CONSTANT LITTLE STORIES ABOUT YOUR BOY FROM THE MOOSEHEADS

EJ: Good for you Nate

Nate: Thanks?

Nate Mackinnon added Jo Drouin to the chat

Jo: hi?

Cole: OMG DROU

Cole: I MISS YOU

Jo: Cole i miss you too!!!!!

EJ: BE GOOD TO MY CHILD OR I WILL FIND YOU JO :)

EJ: But also your adorable and if Nate hurts you i will kill him :)

Jo: Thanks?

Bobo: JOOOOOOOOOOO YOOOUUU SHOULD COME TO BUFFFFFAAALOOOO

Nate: You cant have him Bo

Nate: Hes mine

Bobo: Possessive bastard

Jo: You should come back to Colorado instead :)

Jo: This chat seems like a little bit of a zoo

Mitch: why did you have to say that

Bobo: Jesus christ Jo why!?

Segs: fuck

Skinner: Jo please refrain from saying that word from now on

Jo: ??

Cole: YOU THINK WERE A ZOO

Cole: GUYS HE SAID IT NOT MEE

Cole: THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

Jo: oops?

Chapter Text

“GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

Wyatt: Families ripped apart

Wyatt: Fathers taken from their sons 

Wyatt: I no longer wish to live in this world

Segs: Ignore him he's being over dramatic

Wyatt: OVERDRAMATIC

Wyatt: I AM BEING UNDERDRAMATIC FOR A CHILD WHO HAS LOST HIS FATHER AND HIS HOUSE

Wyatt: I AM A HOMELESS ORPHAN

Kniesy: Couldn't be me my dad is alive and well

Wyatt: die

Wyatt: AND I LOST HIM BECAUSE BECAUSE MCMATTDRAI WANTED TO GO FUCKING FLIRT ON THE ICE FOR THE SCF

Wyatt: FLIRT ON YOUR OWN TIME

Segs: He does have a point

Chucky: No he doesn't

Drai: There was no flirting happening 

Davo: Only Hockey

Mitch: Dude the sexual tension was so high i was questioning how I ever thought u were straight

Davo: Incorrect

Mitch: Don't “incorrect” me u bitch

Mitch: The three of u were involved in so many “altercations” even the announcers thought something was up 

Chucky: Shut up 

Chucky: It was obviously all a ruse to make sure I won the cup

Drai: Oh shut up 

Davo: Why are u like this

Segs: I would love to know how Matthew managed to bag not only two of the greatest current players (other than me) but also the cup

Segs: And i don't mean by winning it

Segs: As in why the fuck is the cup simping over matthew of all people on main

Chucky: I mean have u seen me

Mitch: Yes

Mitch: This is why we're confused

Chucky: I'm wonderful

Drai: Stay delusional :)

Chucky: I'm breaking up with u

Drai: U can't 

Chucky: rude.

Drai: 😇

Brady: I was there!!

Drai: We know

Chucky: Good job

Segs: We've seen the pictures

Mitch: We just don't care.

Brady: You people are horrible

Brady: Animals if u wish

Drai: U Bitch.

Chucky: I'm disowning u

Cole:......

Mitch: pls don't cole

Drai: We know what u want to say so there's no need to say it

Brady: DO IT, tells these ANIMALS

Cole: Draisaitl, Matthew, Seguin and Mitch you will now live in the Giraffe enclosure OF MY ZOOOOOOOOO

Chucky: NO

Mitch: WHYYY

Brady: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahaahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahah

Segs: No one likes you brady.

Cole: I Do!

Mitch: U don't count thumbelina

Cole: :/ 

Chucky: out if curiosity why are we Giraffes

Chucky: Like no offence to us but we're not amazingly tall people (especially mitch)

Mitch: Rude

Cole: I just find giraffes annoying 

Drai: We just got dissed by a polly pocket…

Brady: How does it feel to be bullied 

Brady: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Cole: Please be quiet or u can join them

Brady: ….

Chucky: Common Brady L

Mitch: Back to the topic of The Stanley Cup, i want to applaud Tyler Seguin

Mitch: My man rly just paved the way for sluts with the cup

Segs: What can i say girls just wanna have fun

Chucky: It's impressive how sometimes i forget who's won the cup in the past but i'll never forget the 2011 Boston Bruins 

Chucky: Theses pictures a cemented in my mind

Segs: Your welcome

Drai: I wouldn't be surprised if those pictures are what got you traded

Segs: There's no need to bring up such traumatic times

Segs: the Live Laugh Loves have been disturbed

Wyatt: You lost too many braincells that night and have yet to refind them

Segs: i hate u

Wyatt: Ya well with Pavs gone i'm down a father figure so sucks to be u

Segs: ew

Wyatt: Yeah that tracks

“GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

Wyatt: FAMILIES RIPPED APART

Wyatt: BROKEN INTO PIECES

Kniesy: I think i've seen this film before.

Wyatt: WHY DO THE GODS HATE ME

Wyatt: IM BEING PERSONALLY VICTIMIZED 

Wyatt: I HATE MY LIFE

Kniesy: Who did they take from u?

Wyatt: MY PLATONIC SOULMATE

Wyatt: THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE

Wyatt: MY REASON TO LIVE

Segs: It's Dellandrea.

Segs: You need to keep ur dramatics on lock

Segs: I wonder where the fuck you got those from 

Zegras: It's a mystery

Zegras: The homophobia in this league is still showing

Zegras: Like it's pride month people act like it

Zegras: Gays are being ripped apart everyday

Zegras: Every minute one gay loses the love of their life

Sway: don't call i'm ending it all

Segs: ???????

Mitch: U good Sway?

Sway: I FUCKING HATE OTTAWA

Sway: THEY SHOULD BE REMOVED FROM THE LEAGUE FOR BEING IRRELEVANT 

Sway: THEY STOLE FROM ME

Sway: AND NOW I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO SUPPORT THOSE LITTLE FUCKING WEASELS BECAUSE OF ULLY

Ully: Babe it will be okay

Sway: NOPE IM KILLING MYSELF TODAY

Zegras: THEY SEPERATED THE GOALIE HUGS

Segs: WHAT IN THE HOMOPHOBIA IS THIS

Sway: Fuck the bruins

Mitch: Finally something we can agree on

Kniesy: Not the time mitch

Mitch: It's always the time

Giroux: Welcome to Ottawa!

Giroux: I promise it doesn't suck that bad

Ully: Thanks!

Sway: I'm still killing Gary Bettman.

Willy: Did you guys see the way our new little draft pick fully ignored Bettman when he got drafted

Willy: Immediate fan fav

Willy: And Willy Fave

Zegras: That was fun and all but did you see our little dude

Zegras: He legit looked like a lost puppy

Zegras: He may have been 3rd overall but he was 1st in memorability

Mitch: Is that even a word

Zegras: Uh huh

Giroux: Unfortunately it is

Giroux: But while on the topic of the draft

Giroux: I believe that the sens are obsessed with the “Chuks” spelt in all ways

Giroux: like of course they had to pick the one dude with a chuk in his name

Brady: WOOOOHOOOOOOOOO

Mitch: I don't know why your proud of that

Brady: Zip it Zippy

Mitch: Oh Shut up 

Brady: 😘

“GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

Yorkie: PEOPLE BEING GAY IN PUBLIC ALERT

Yorkie: ALERT

Mitch: WHAT WHERE

Yorkie: THE ISLANDERS IN ITALY

Barzy: Wait how do you know we're in Italy!?!?

Tito: I mean we've been posting stuff online so it's not that hard to guess.

Barzy: shut it.

Jamie: I mean we've seen those but also the vids of you guys being hella gay in a club

Barzy: We have been extremely straight here in italy

Mitch: After the conduction of research I have found SOOOOO many videos with shirtless islanders including ONE WHERE SOMEONE LEGIT KISSED TITO ON THE NECK

Mitch: ARE YOU GUYS TRYING TO COME OUT

Barzy: WAIT WHAT

Tito: WHAT!?!?!?!

Tito: I don't remember this

Barzy: I'm almost positive it wasn't me

Barzy: So we're safe

Tito: That's good 

Barzy: Though i'm gonna hit whoever decided that was okay.. 😒😡😢

Tito: You do that buddy

Mitch: Never would've assumed that the islanders were gonna be the ones to out the rest of us

Mitch: I thought it was gonna be the flyers honestly

Willy: Or us

Yorkie: We would never *gasp*

Mitch: You guys are legitimatly us but stupider

Willy: Mitch…. buddy you are on the same intelligence level as them

Mitch: RUDE

Yorkie: RUDE

Mitch: WAIT WHY ARE U SAYING RUDE

Yorkie: WHY ARE YOU SAYING RUDE BITCH

Mitch: MORON

Yorkie: DUMBASS

Mitch: WHORE

Yorkie: SLUT

Willy: that's enough children

Willy: It's nap time.

Chapter Text

“GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

Wyatt: FAMILIES TORN APART

Mitch: What happened now?

Segs: THEY STOLE WEDGE FROM US

Segs: WITH PAVS AND WEDGE GONE WE ARE A FATHERLESS SOCIETY

Wyatt: ANARCHY IS WHAT REMAINS

Jamie: And you were wondering where Wy got his dramatics from

Segs: Hush

Segs: The worst part is

Segs: His replacement is a jackass

Segs: Like not a me type jackass but a “belongs in jail jackass”

Jack: That really sucks man

Jack: but at least ur self aware

Mitch: This should have been expected we been knew that Nash was gonna try and win the cup with looks alone

Mitch: Have u people seen what's happening over there

Jack: I refuse to even play against them

Jack: One look and my knees will be gone

Jack: Roman Josi and Brady Skjei are u kidding me!?!??

Jamie: The dilfs are out in full force in Nash

Kniesy: GUYS

Kniesy: GUYS

Kniesy: GUYS

Jamie: what

Kniesy: WOLLER GOT RESIGNEDDDDD

Kniesy: 3 MORE YEARS BABYY

Jack: We're aware we saw your CapCut edit

Wyatt: Sometimes i forget just how much of a little loser u are

Wyatt: And then you do this

Mitch: Well i think it's adorable

Mitch: Even if it's a little lame

Jamie: But Woll so obsessed with you he probably thinks it's like endearing or something

Kniesy: Thanks??

Mitch: BUT GUESS WHO DIDN'T GET TRADED

Mitch: ITS ME BITCH

Willy: With the amount of rumours going on about what u we're doing it's about time it gets semi-confirmed 

Willy: My head hurts

Mitch: UR HEAD HURTS?!?

Mitch: I WAS GOING NUTS FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH 

Mitch: AUS KEPT THREATENING TO INSTITUTIONALISE ME

Willy: Yea i suppose he would know

Willy: BECAUSE UVE BEEN LIVING WITH HIM

Trevor: *shocked but not surprised gasp*

Jamie: You are aware that u can't be shocked and not surprised right?

Jamie: They are basically antonyms of each other

Kniesy: Antonym?

Jack: The fucks that??

Segs: Is no one at least kinda surprised that the two idiots finally figured shit out

Willy: THEY DIDN'T

Willy: THEY JUST CHOSE TO PINE IN CLOSE QUARTERS

Mitch: WE ARE NOT PINING

Mitch: JUST EMOTIONALLY SUPPORTING EACH OTHER

Segs: By making out??

Wyatt: And this is why you can't support anyone except Cap seggy.

Segs: Shush

Willy: this chat has gone nuts

Willy: Timeout for all if you till the season starts again

Segs: Ok daddy

Wyatt: this is why no one loves you 

GOTTA CATCHEM ALL

Segs: ITS TRAINING CAMP MOTHERFUCKERS

Quinn: I thought I was free from this chat until the season started

Quinn:That's not for another couple weeks

Quinn: I deserved this break

Quinn: don't take it away from me

Quinn: Please

Segs: Season Preparations = Season starting

Segs: SO THIS CHAT IS BACK MOTHAFUKERS

Jack: I for one am happy that this chat is back

Jack: AND THAT THE SEASON IS STARTING

Jack: AND THAT I ACTUALLY GET TO PLAY

Jack: ME AND MY BIONIC SHOULDER ARE GONNA FUCK SHIT UP

Lukey: Thanks for bragging

Lukey: i hate you

Lukey: and i hate my life

Segs: If the hughesbowl is incomplete again i'm going to be upset

Segs: It brings me joy

Segs: Or the first one did

Segs: At least there the Tkatchuks

Segs: I can always count on them to cause chaos

Quinn: As long as this shoulder curse stays away from me

Quinn: CAUSE I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL KILL MYSELF IF I GET A SHOULDER INJURY

Lukey: shoulder injury< Death

Lukey: That sounds real logical

Trevor: I miss hughesey hockey 

Jack: YOU KNOW WHAT I MISS

Jack: YOU NOT HAVING A FUCKASS MULLET

Trevor: IT LOOKS COOL

Jamie: Babe…

Trevor: IT LOOKS LIKE WAYNE GRETZKYS 

Jack: YEAH IF WAYNE GRETZKY WAS EVEN MORE OF A TWINK

Trevor: YOU TAKE THAT BACK

Mitch: I mean he's not wrong 

Trevor: Your mullet was so much worse Mitch so don't even start with me rn or i will cry

Kniesy: Is this you admitting that yours is bad?

Kniesy: and why would you cry

Trevor: because crying is my natural reaction to conflict

Trevor: get with the program Knies

Trevor: not all of us are mentally stable

Trevor: some of our boyfriends get traded half way across the country and now you only get to see them a couple times during the season

Trevor: some of us need to have a breakdown and get a fuckass mullet 

Kniesy: I feel scared again

Mitch: so do I

Trevor: good.

Jack: You doing okay Trev?

Trevor: DO I LOOK LIKE IN DOING OKAY

Trevor: ASSUME THAT I'M NEVER DOING OKAY

Mitch: I'm gonna take a few metaphorical steps back

Jamie: I'll talk to him lol

Mitch: In the words of Tyler Seguin, back to my life

Mitch: DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT MY MAN GOT PROMOTED TO CAPTAIN

Kniesy: WHOOP WHOOP

Mitch: AND IM STILL A MAPLE LEAF

Mitch: NO AMERICA FOR NE

Segs: You mean other than Auston

Mitch: shh but yes

Mitch: I CAN STILL SPELL COLOUR WITH A U

Quinn: He does realize that living in a country doesn't mean you have to conform to how they spell every word

Jack: Wait you don't???

Quinn: I forgot who I was talking to

Mitch: AND I WOULD'VE MISSED ALL THE KNIESYWOLLER DATES

Mitch: Imagine only witnessing these on your twitter feed

Kniesy: they aren't dates :/

Mitch: Uh huh

Kniesy: ….

Kniesy: Anywhoooo

Kniesy: @WyJo

Kniesy: Ohhhh princesssssssss

Kniesy: Wyatttttttt

Mitch: he may just not like you

Kniesy: He loves me

Kniesy: helllllllooooooooooo

Segs: he may just be busy

Segs: The social media staff are having a field day with him

Segs: Poor kid is too pretty for his own good

Segs: he takes after me

Kniesy: I just wanna know how happy he is that his bae got resigned

Kniesy: I was worried I was gonna have a Trevor of my own to deal with if they hadn't resigned Harley

Kniesy: no offence

Trevor: plenty taken

Jack: Oh hush

WyJo: Hello motherfuckers

WyJo: The media manager has arrived

Segs: “Assistant” manager

WyJo: whatever

WyJo: other than losing my father, my pseudo-father, my platonic soulmate, my house, my pseudo-family an gaining a shitty human for a backup goalie i'm doing great

WyJo: Had Tom not gotten resigned I may have had to force a trade

WyJo: I think im pretty enough to get into Nash 

WyJo: At least then i can get away from segs and be with Wedgie

Kniesy: You may not be old enough tho

Jack: yeah theyre whole thing is “dilfs”

Segs: WHAT DO YOU MEAN “ GET AWAY FROM SEGS”  you should never want to be away from me

Segs: I’m fantastic

Segs: everyone loves me

Segs: except boston

Segs: they didn't like me very much

Segs: actually they hated me

Segs: like a lot

Segs: so much that they traded me

Segs: those fucking team breakfasts

Segs: Wait

Segs: does everyone hate me in dallas too

Segs: Wyatt???

Segs: Hello???

Segs: Guys??

Chapter Text

Jack: FUCK

Jack: FUCK

Jack: IM KILLING MYSELF

ZMoney: WHY

ZMoney: DO I NEED TO CALL AN AMBULANCE

ZMoney: WHATS WRONG

Segs: What happened?

Jack: don't text 

Jack: don't call 

Jack: i'm ending it all

Chucky: What's wrong young padawan

Jack: I legit think I need to quit hockey

Jack: I can never show my face again

Segs: What did you do!?!?

Jack: The world will have to be deprived of my beauty

Jack: All because i was given too much beautifulness and not enough smartness

Kniesy: Is beautifulness an actual word

Kniesy: But also please dont kill yourself

Kniesy: I cant have to lowest IQ in the chat

ZMoney: Why is Nico Hischier hitting me up

ZMoney: ohhh

ZMoney: jackkkk

ZMoney: What did you do??

Segs: ?????

Jack: FUCKING NOTHING WHY THE FUCK IS HE TEXTING YOU TELL HIM THAT I ACCIDENTALLY INVENTED A GUILLOTINE AND CHOPPED MY FUCKING HEAD OFF

Kniesy: i feel like you did something and are lying to us

Chucky: Knies, I have something to tell you but you probably have the lowest IQ

ZMoney: JACK ROWDEN HUGHES YOU FUCKING HORNY DOG

ZMoney: NICO JUST FUCKING TOLD ME WHAT YOU DID

Jack: I CAN NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN

Segs: SOMEONE BETTER TELL ME THE FUCKING DRAMA RIGHT NOW

Segs: OR I WILL BE THE ONE MURDERING YOU FUCKS AND THEN MYSELF BECAUSE I STILL WONT KNOW THE FUCKING DRAMA

ZMoney: OKAY OKAY

Kniesy: teeelllll meee theee teaaaaa

Segs: @Willy come rein in your child hes gone wild

Willy: no

Segs: Anyway

Segs: Please continue so I don’t have to commit a homicide-suicide

Jack: Trev I'm actually on my last straw

ZMoney: Well too bad they're thirsty

Jack: what???

ZMoney: I will be taking your last straw to sip the tea

ZMoney: Get it?

Kniesy: You don't drink tea with a straw?

Kniesy: Ig if it was iced tea

Segs: I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR FUCKING STRAWS IM ABOUT TO LOSE MY GODDAMN MIND SPILLLLLL THE FUCKING TEA

Kniesy: But then you couldn't drink it?

Segs: are u serious?

Kniesy: No lmao I just like fucking with you

Kniesy: I think

Segs: YOU THINK!?!?

ZMoney: Jesus you people are ADHD

Segs: As if you arent the fucking poster boy for it

ZMoney: ANYWAYS

Jack: Squirrel

ZMoney: I'm not a damn dog

ZMoney: Wait do ADHD people actually look for Squirrels when someone says that?

ZMoney: Cause I feel like that's so stereotypical

ZMoney: Just because you say some word doesn't mean my whole train of thought will be derailed

Segs: TREVOR

Segs: FUCKING SPILL

ZMoney: OH YAAA

ZMoney: So i'm assuming we've all seen that clip of Nico in the locker room after their opening night win

ZMoney: Like the one wheres hes practically not wearing anything and all of his teammates are looking at him like the piece of ass he is

Segs: You can assume i'm up to date on all things gay

Kniesy: Mitch was showing me that the other day

Kniesy: But i think he was making a deal of showing everyone to make Auston jealous

Kniesy: because let's be real Nico Hischier may have one of the nicest asses in the NHL

Jack: That's the unfortunate truth

ZMoney: unfortunate for you maybe cause THAT ASSS

ZMoney: Anyways, this ass is what caused this whole situation

Jack: I THOUGHT I WAS TEXTING YOU

ZMoney: WHY WOULD I WANT TO READ ABOUT HOW YOU HAD TO PHYSICALLY RESTRAIN YOURSELF SO THAT YOU WOULDN'T GRAB IT

Jack: I WAS LOOKING FOR SUPPORT

ZMoney: WELL I WOULD HAVE SUPPORTED YOU GRABBING ASS IF YOU HAD TEXTED ME

Chucky: Wait 

Chucky: Please don't tell me you did what I think you did

ZMoney: IF YOU THINK THAT HE SENT NICO THE FUCKING CLIP WITH THE WORDS “i had to sit on my hands to not grab his ass” THAN HE FUCKING DID

Segs: Jesus Jack

Kniesy: The dumbass crown remains on your head

Jack: i may have blocked him

Segs: UNBLOCK HIM

Segs: YOU ARE LEGITIMATELY MAKING THE SITUATION WORSE

Chucky: Buddy…

ZMoney: Hes like legit worried jacky

Jack: So I should Unblock him?

Segs: YES

Chucky: YES

Kniesy: Probably

Jack: vnfkjdvnsdjfhoefekfoifjie kk

Jack: I'm just gonna say goodbye

Jack: cause I may be about to kill myself

Kniesy: Good Luck!

ZMoney: Poor guy doesnt know any better

Kniesy: I didn't know you back then but I can't imagine when you and jamie got together you were any better

Segs: Finally an intelligent thought out of you.

ZMoney: Shut the fuck up matthew knies

Segs: Hey! Don't be mean to him he doesn't have the capacity to think

Segs: He wasn't trying to be mean

Segs: I don't think he knows how to 

Segs: on purpose that is

ZMoney: Y are u defending him all of a sudden

Kniesy: You just said I said something smart!?

Kniesy: And I'm nice to Everyone :)

Chucky: liar.

Kniesy: ??

Segs: I'm defending the poor kid cause he obviously can't do it himself

Segs: He also reminds me of young me

Kniesy: I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUNG YOU

Kniesy: I GO TO ALL MY TEAM BREAKFASTS

Segs: I WAS DEFENDING YOU YOU LITTLE SHIT

Kniesy: Still i would rather be bullied then be kicked out of boston

Kniesy: Like how bad does it have to be if BOSTON kicks you out

Kniesy: like jeezzz

ZMoney: All of a sudden Knies has the brainpower to be funny

Kniesy: I'm not joking?

ZMoney: That's what makes it better

Kniesy: Okay:)

Kniesy: Also

Knisey: Why am I a liar Matthew?

Chucky: BECAUSE

Chucky: YOU SAID YOU HATE FLORIDA

Chucky: ON CAMERA AND EVERYTHING

Chucky: YOU ARE A MEANIE

Chucky: WE ARE GODDAMN FANTASTIC THANKS VERY MUCH

Kniesy: I mean how good can you be if you lose to Ottawa of all teams?

ZMoney: I mean he makes a good point

Brady: hey now we're getting better

Brady: Mostly thanks to Ullmark

Brady: But better nonetheless

Chucky: That game was one to forget

Chucky: As you all should

Kniesy: I mean I was referring to your team giving me a concussion but I mean losing to the most irrelevant team in the NHL gotta be a little hateworthy

Kniesy: If i was a fan anyway

Kniesy: I'm not

Kniesy: As mentioned I hate florida

Chucky: The concussion part is valid but there was no need for the rest

Jack: GUYS

Segs: HE'S BACK

Segs: SO WHAT HAPPENED

ZMoney: U good?

ZMoney: Do I need to ask Jamie for Hitman recs

Jack: ignoring that Jamie knows hitmen

Jack: BUT GUESS WHO HAS A MOTHERFUCKING BOYFRIEND

Jack: ME BITCHES

Kniesy: YASSSSS

Segs: SLAYYY

ZMoney: FUCKING FINALLY

Jack added Nico Hischier to the chat

Chapter Text

“GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

WyJo: Has anyone heard from Seggy?

Mitch: Why would we have heard from him

Willy: You're the one on his team

WyJo: i think he's gone missing

Kniesy: I'm pretty sure i've seen him play in your games

Kniesy: Maybe that's just his evil twin tho

WyJo: I see him at games but since finland i haven't seen him in the wild

Sway: And you're upset about that??

Segs: stfu u freak

Sway: :(

Segs: Wyatt my child, i never left you i'm still here

WyJo: I still hear his voice

Kniesy: Maybe your going insane

Kniesy: Would explain your entire life

WyJo: shut up brick

Kniesy: you're as ugly as a brick

Wyjo: at least i have more than 2 brain cells 

Mitch: Children shush

Mitch: Now as the gossip master i must do my part and find out where our (not so) dear Tyler Seguin has been (or should i say benn)

Segs:......

Segs: maybe we should just believe me (because i'm very trustworthy) when i say that i have just been (definitely not benn) at home chilling

Sway: oh he's not even trying to lie good

Willy: You want to tell your child where you've been?? (i'm not making the benn reference again)

WyJo: WHY DO THEY KNOW WHERE YOU'VE BEEN (what does cap have anything to do with this)

Segs: Not that i'm admitting to anything (because i'm innocent) but why do the two leafs in the chat know where i've hypothetically been (definitely not benn)

Willy: maybe its because we've all seen the shirtless pics from finland

Mitch: and because you're a whore

Willy: So we put two and two together

Segs: I'm not a whore

Segs: Ur a whore

Kniesy: Hey!! I'm a leaf too 

Benny: Moi aussi!!

Kniesy: I also definitely for sure understand what's been going on

Benny: Moi aussi!!

Segs: i was simply referring to the leafs with brain cells (though Mitches only seem to appear when gossip is involved)(at least gossip not pertaining to his good friends Connor Mcdavid and Matthew Tkachuk)

Mitch: there was no need to bring that up

Mitch: I'm still mad about that

WyJo: I STILL DONT KNOW WHATS GOING ON

Kniesy: That's cause ur stupid

WyJo: you don't know what's happening either you stupid fucking brick

Kniesy: I actually know what's happening you little ratty mole rat

WyJo: no you don't

Kniesy: I for sure do

Wyjo: prove it

Kniesy: that seems like a trap

Kniesy: But i am pretty fly 

Kniesy: :)

Kniesy: get it

Kniesy: Cause flies get caught in traps

Mitch: ignoring my endearing pet brick

Mitch: Maybe you should tell you child where you've been (are we still making the benn joke?) seggy

Jack: girlies I just got here

Jack: but from what I'm hearing it's cuffing season

Nico: jack please don't start stuff

Jack: shhh I'm just trying to spread the joy of relationships 

Segs: i don't know where you heard anything about a relationship

Segs: Cause it's certainly not about me

Jack: I thought you and jamie benn finally got together

Jack: I mean we all saw the shirtless picture

Jack: and I know you're a very weak man

WyJo: THATS WHERE YOUVE BEEN

Wyjo: YOUVE BENN IGNORING ME FOR DAYS BECAUSE UR FUCKING MY CAPTAIN

WyJo: been* 

WyJo: i hate my life

Segs: I mean if we're getting technical…

WyJo: THERE IS NO NEED TO GET TECHNICAL 

WyJo: I DONT CARE WHOS FUCKING WHO I JUST WANT TO NOT BE IGNORED

WyJo: I AM ALL BY MYSELF

Segs: Go hangout with harls 

WyJo: I suppose i could do that

WyJo: WAIT WHAT DO U MEAN UR FUCKING BUT NOT DATING

WyJo: I WILL NOT STAND FOR MORE FUCKING PINING

Segs: …….

Mitch: oh seggy

Mitch: not the pining

Willy: u don't get to speak mitchelly

Kniesy: mitch= #1in the league at pining

Mitch: zip it brick

WyJo: CAN YOU MAPLE BITCHES SHUT THE FUCK UP THERE IS A FAMILY MATTER THAT MUST BE DISSCUSSED

WyJo: TYLER FUCKING SEGUIN IF YOU DONT DATE OUR MOTHERFUCKING CAPTAIN I WILL CASTRATE YOU

WyJo: THAT MAN HAS BEEN PINING FOR YOU FOR FUCKING EVER

WyJo: I DON'T KNOW WHY HE LIKES UR UGLY OVERDRAMATIC ASS BUT HERE WE ARE

Segs: rude

Kniesy: wyjo feral child era

Wyjo: i hate u u goddamn brick

WyJo: me and you are gonna have a little chat tyler seguin.

Segs: ….

Segs: Anygays

Segs: What's with the whole brick thing

Segs: like i see the resemblance but why all of a sudden

Willy: Ignoring that this is an obvious attempt to change the subject

Willy: but also you win because i love talking about my child

Mitch: my child*

Willy: whatever

Jack: have you not seen the article Seggy

Sway: or like any of the twitter posts 

Segs: i'm assuming i'm missing something

Kniesy: aren't u always

Segs: WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU YOU BRAINLESS ARMADILLO 

Segs: IT SEEMS LIKE U COME FOR ME WHENEVER I SPEAK

Kniesy: armadillo??

Kniesy: also

Kniesy: your fun to mess with

Segs: fine brick

Segs: actually i really want the explanation for that one

Mitch: basically he's big and dumb

Mitch: therefore brick

Willy: It's also his shared nickname with his boyfriend

Kniesy: he's not my boyfriend

Jack: There was a literal article written about your gayness for each other

Sway: Even the tabloids have discovered your love

Kniesy: well the tabloids should mind their own business

Kniesy: i can't be exposed 

Mitch: the only and I mean ONLY person that doesn't know is Woller

Mitch: and don't get me wrong I love the kid but maybe there's a second reason his nickname is brick too

Willy: he's just a little slow

Willy: Not as bad as kniesy 

Mitch: but still

Segs: So basically knies is gay and stupid

Willy: Sounds about right 

Kniesy: :(

Sway: You know what gays are thriving today

Sway: its me im gay 

Sway: and thriving 

Jack: I'm also gay and thriving

Sway: Sure but that's unimportant

Sway: I GET TO SEE MY BAE TODAY

Sway: I HATE THIS HOMOPHOBIC LEAGUE FOR KEEPING HIM FROM ME

Sway: I missed him:)

Ully: I missed you too

Ully: but there's no need to be mean to the child

Jack: CHILD

Jack: EXCUSE ME

Nico: jack…

Nico: let's just continue being gay and thriving outside of this chat

Jack: fine..

Sway: simp

Sway: ANYWAYS

Sway: would it be bad if i just smooched linus on the ice

Ully: please don't 

Sway: fine

Jack: Simp

Sway: die

Sway: anyways 

Sway: i'm still gay and still thriving

Sway: Everything is right in boston today

Brady: NOT EVERYTHING 

Brady: Poor timmy is not thriving

Drai: Is my German alive!???

Chucky: Babe he's mostly Brady's german at this point

Chucky: us tkachuks need our emotional support Germans

Drai: IS HE ALIVE?

Segs: this may be the first time i've seen emotion from this man

Chucky: don't mess with the baby germans

Brady: He's alive

Brady: but barely

Brady: Also he isn't my german

Brady: he's a german

Giroux : that's not my understanding of the situation

Giroux: i had to switch hotel rooms

Drai: WHAT

Chucky: BRADY!?!?! 

Brady: Really g?

Giroux: my ears are bleeding

Chucky: HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME

Brady: YOU WANNA START WITH ME ABOUT HIDING SIGNIFICANT OTHERS

Brady: YOU HAD TWO FUCKING BOYFRIEDNS FOR YEARS BEFORE I FOUND OUT

Brady: AND THAT ONLY HAPPENED BECAUSE SOME TWINK DECIDED TO OPEN HIS BIG MOUTH

Drai: SIGNIFICANT OTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Drai: MY CHILD!?!?!?!

Brady: YOUR DATING MY BROTHER

Drai: AND IF YOU'RE ANYTHING LIKE HIM U SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM MY INNOCENT GERMAN

Brady: INNOCENT!?!?

Giroux: guys let's all calm down 

Giroux added Tim Stutzle to the chat

Timmy: Hi??

Drai: ARE U OKAY

Drai: DO I NEED TO BEAT UP BRADY

Brady: Good luck with that

Timmy: I'm Fine :)

Mitch: That's all i needed he's endeared me

Segs: Wyjo ur cutie position has been compromised

Timmy: What's the point of this chat?

Willy: gay.

Timmy: Oh

Timmy: That's Fun!

Drai: Why did brady say you were not thriving 

Timmy: He's being overdramatic

Brady; YOU CAN BARELY SEE OUT IF YOUR EYE ITS SO SWOLLEN

Timmy: Coach said I could still play !!

Drai: I will wrap u in bubble wrap

Timmy: Brady is being overdramatic

Brady: YOU HAVE STITCHES

Timmy: And you have anger problems

Timmy: We can't always be perfect brady 😠

Segs: Yeah Brady

Mitch: I stand with Timmy

Timmy: :)

Kniesy: Why don't you ever stand with me

Mitch: Because you're bigger than me and can handle ur own problems 

Mitch: Timmy is my new child

Kniesy: just like that i've been forgotten

Wyjo: Welcome to the unloved child club

Kniesy: Ew i don't wanna be seen with u

Wyjo: Ur ew

WyJo: and ugly

Mitch: and this is why no one loves either of u

Kniesy: :(

Wyjo: :(

Timmy: :)

Chapter Text

“ GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

EJ: hello fellas

Gabe: Please stop

EJ: you don't even know what I was going to say

Gabe: i just don't trust you when u start sentences with “hello fellas”

EJ: kinda rude kinda harsh

EJ: I've never said anything bad in my life

Tyson: i'm sure that's true

Tyson: all those poor defencemen traumatised themselves 

Bobo: i swear i even hear your voice when your not here

EJ: just say you miss me

Bobo: that's what it is

Bobo: for sure

EJ: Anyway.

EJ: i found a little friend

EJ: he a baby so be gentle

Gabe: is he a defenseman

EJ: no

Tyson: hopefully he'll be safe then

EJ: rude 

EJ added Will Smith to the chat

Smithy: Hello

Tyson: Omg he actually is a child 

Smithy: i'm not gonna lie this wasn't fully explained to me

Nate: EJ you have got to stop adding people without telling them what they're getting themselves into

Smithy: Am I hallucinating??

Smithy: or is that Nathan Mackinnon??????????

EJ: no one cares for the vets these days 

EJ: only the best players

EJ: how we've fallen as a society

Nate: Hi Will!

Nate: and sorry about EJ

EJ: there's no need to be sorry for EJ

Smithy: my brain is fried

Smithy: I thought this was a gay group chat!?!?

Gabe: it is

Smithy: oh 

Smithy: for sure

Smithy: i'm gonna go pass out now

Nate: EJ you've got to warn the children

EJ: i didn't warn Bo and he turned out fine

Tyson: did he tho?

Bobo: :(

Bobo: don't do what you did to me to the baby sharkies 

Quinn: why is it, when something happens, it's always EJ

Smithy: is that a Harry Potter quote?!??

EJ: excuse me i'm not always the problem

EJ: Seguin is here too

Segs: bitch

Quinn: that's actually a good point

Quinn: Shocking coming from you

EJ: bitch

Smithy: this chat is actually nuts

Smithy: is everyone in this group chat

Smithy: next thing you're gonna tell is that fucking Connor Mcdavid is in the chat

Davo: Is this a good time to make my presence known?

Drai: maybe you should give him some time to adjust first

Smithy: what.

Smithy: the

Smithy: fuck 

Smithy: oqbfirbskwnrbemskiwbej

EJ: i would like to point out that I didn't break this one

Tyson: just because you're not good enough for him to be starstruck over doesn't mean that this isn't your fault

EJ: die

Smithy: Am I on drugs?

Bobo: i think this might be a record for how fast EJ has broken someone 

Bobo: and this one isn't even a defenseman

EJ: he's fine guys

Smithy: i think my brain is on the verge of exploding

EJ: and if he hypothetically wasn't fine i would hypothetically blame davo and his boyfriend

EJ: and Nate

EJ: and Quinner

EJ: so like everyone but me

Smithy: WHAT DO YOU MEAN BOYFRIEND?

Drai: that would be me

Smithy: THIS IS FUCKING INSANE

EJ: just wait till he finds out that they have a third boyfriend 

Gabe: ej…..

Tyson: why are u like this

Smithy: WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK

Smithy: WHOO???

Drai: I feel like it's wrong for someone so young to be swearing

EJ: matthew tkachuk

Smithy: So the tiktok editors were actually right?

Drai: they are on most things gay actually

Smithy: this is insane

EJ: anywho welcome to the chat child

Smithy: I am 19 whole years old thank you very much

Will Smith added Macklin Celebrini to the chat

Smithy: now that's a child 

Drai: I mean if the tiktokers are correct I would hope you didn't see him as a child….

EJ: OMG A BABYYYYY

Mack: that seems excessive

Mack: but Will was right when he said this chat is insane

EJ: welcome, my baby 1st overaller 

Nate: you can’t have him EJ

Nate: Im claiming him

Nate: i went first more recently

Nate: therefore he's my rookie

Nate: you can have the philedelphian russian rookie

Mack: i'm gonna take that as a compliment 

EJ: i'm the reason he's here so he's mine

EJ: I also wasn't drafted that long ago your making me seem old

Mack: not to inflame the situation but you were kinda drafted the year I was born

EJ: WHAT

EJ: no no no

EJ: no

EJ: nope

EJ: nuh uh

EJ: this is false

EJ: BABIES BORN IN 2000 FUKCIGN 6 ARE NOT ONLY CAPABLE OF WALKING BUT PLAYING IN THE GODDAMN NHL

EJ: i'm gonna pass out

EJ: then i kill myself

EJ: then I question my sanity

EJ: then cry myself to sleep

Bobo: Congrats Macklin!!! You might be the first person to break EJ!!!!

Mack: is he okay?

Tyson: he'll be fine

Drai: He's just slightly over dramatic 

Gabe: only slightly?

Drai: okay he's extremely over dramatic 

Mack: oh okay

Nate: So my child

Mack: i'm assuming you mean me

Mack: unless you have a secret child

Nate: yes you

Nate: I hear that you don't have a licence

Tyson: Ohhh that's why Nate got attached so quickly

Nate: hush

Mack: I actually just got mine!!!

Smithy: Only took you several months

Smithy: I deserve an award for driving you around 

Gabe: Oh lord

Nate: it seems like the cycle must repeat itself

Jo: Nate please don't scare the kids away

Mack: i'm kinda confused

Smithy: i'm kinda worried about unleashing you into the general californian population 

Mack: :(

Mack: guess you'll just have to keep driving me to practise and games then

Jo: Nevermind I love them

Jo: glad the adoption has already been formalised

Mack: ???

Mack: I thought Nate was my dad?

Jo: Yes but as the love of his life I reserve the right to adopt you too

Mack: what 

Mack: WILL DID U KNOW THIS?!??

Smithy: OBVIOUSLY NOT

Jo: oh

Jo: whoops

Jo: anyways 

Jo: we'll be in San jose december 19th and shall have family dinner the 4 of us

Mack:4?

Jo: yes

Jo: Will too

Smithy: Why me?

Jo: trust me 

Jo: you'll figure it out 

Nate: i love when you start meddling

Jo: Who me? :))

Chapter Text

“GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

EJ: gays assemble 

Quinn: Why is it always you that starts these conversations 

Quinn: that and segs i suppose

EJ: because i'm awesome

EJ: anyways

Segs: i mean im awesomer but continue

EJ: eat dog shit

Segs: very aggressive for such an elderly man

EJ: i hope that your team makes the conference finals again this year and then proceeds to lose AGAIN

Segs: don't bring your bad juju into my home

EJ: i don't even know where your home is whore

Segs: slut

EJ: i am married thank you very much

EJ: Can you say the same?????

Segs: …

EJ: exactly

EJ: now for the actual important conversations 

Quinn: i doubt that

EJ: I want to know why the avs got SO MUCH gayer since I left

York: ARE WE NOT GAY ENOUGH FOR YOU

York: HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU WANT BEE AND FROSTY TO MAKE OUT IN THE LOCKER ROOM 

York: IS JAMIE WHINING ABOUT HOW MUCH HE MISSES THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE FUCKING DAILY NOT ENOUGHT FOR YOU

EJ: alright i know you're not my biggest fan but tone the feralness down please

York: “not your biggest fan” I LOATHE YOU

York: I ACTIVELY WANT TO STAB MYSELF REPEATEDLY IN THE FOOT EVERYTIME YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH

Jamie: you doing ok yorkie?

York: I HAVEN'T LEFT MY HOUSE IN DAYSSSSS

EJ: someone should probably check up on him

EJ: i mean not me but someone 

Jamie: i hate this team

Yorkie: I HATE EJ

EJ: anyways back to my initial question

EJ: care to explain yourself @avs

Nate: I mean I know Jo came here but since youre gone i think the gayness has stayed the same

EJ: So you're telling me there's nothing going on between Miles and Ross???

Jamie: I mean they do call each other “boyfriend” in front of the media

EJ: Is this actual confirmation??

Nate: i actually don't know

EJ: YOU DON'T KNOW???

EJ: @husband you're their captain you must know the drama

Gabe: i'm sorry to tell you this babe

Gabe: but I legitimately have no idea

EJ: @Jo you're my favourite avalanche please don't make me dislike you

Jo: I don't have any confirmation 

EJ: i'm offing myself

Jo: but

Jo: they do go out on dates pretty often

Jo: especially with all the injuries 

EJ: thank you Jo for being helpful unlike your boyfriend and my ex husband

Gabe: alright drama queen

Ej: don't even speak to me 

EJ: you'll be hearing from my lawyers

Gabe: sometimes i question my sanity 

Gabe: like I must of been clinically insane to legally tie myself to you forever

EJ: HOW DARE YOU

EJ: YOU WILL LOVE ME FOREVER 

EJ: AND YOU WILL ENJOY IT

Gabe: I thought we were getting divorced??

EJ: im divorcing you

EJ: You can't divorce me 

EJ: then who would be legally required to listen to me

Gabe: …

Gabe: I don't even know what to say right now

Quinn: ignoring the old man drama and back to Woody and Colton

EJ: actually die

Quinn: calm down gramps

EJ: I ACTUALLY HATE YOU

Quinn: i can live with that

Quinn: anyway

Quinn: how angry was ross when his boyfriend cut his hair

Jo: He wasn't impressed that's for sure

Jo: i think he was just grateful he didn't take Mikkos suggestion of getting a buzz cut

Quinn: I don't think i would speak to Brock if he decided to shave his head

Jo: I mean i think it's just a boyfriendly feeling to love the longer hair

Jo: I mean nate's hair isn't even that long and i would still be pissed

Quinn: oh Brock's not my boyfriend 

Jo: oh?

Jack: Ya sorry to tell you this Jo

Jack: BUT HES A FUCKING IDIOT WHO CANT GET HIS SHIT TOGETHER AND THATS THE REASON THEYRE NOT FUCKING DATING

Quinn: WHERE DID YOU COME FROM

Quinn: Crawl back into your hole and die

Jo: Wait i'm a little lost 

Nate: Babe 

Nate: From what I understand Quinn is in love with both Elias Petterson and Brock Boeser but is convinced they aren't into him ( I'm not sure if they're dating each other or not) even though they look at him like he hung the moon at every opportunity 

Nate: and thatcher demko is his platonic life partner

Quinn: ????????

Jo: Oh ok Thanks

Chucky: “Platonic life partner” is fucking hilarious

Jack: This description is hella accurate tho

Quinn: is not

Quinn: I'm not even that into them

Jack: For sure

“GOTTA CATCHEM ALL”

Chucky: gays assemble

Jack: present

ZMoney: Here