Chapter Text
Kate and Osgood found themselves transported from the brutal noise, heat and petrol fumes of the wasteland to a quiet damp gloom.
The cool moist air was a pleasant relief. The feel of it made Kate think they must be underground. Indeed a quick glance confirmed that they were in a stone cavern. There were carvings on the grey rock of the walls and signs of work by masons. An archway ahead had been shaped to resemble two mighty axe wielding warriors standing guard. Light came from guttering torches mounted on solid yet ornate iron brackets.
Any further exploration was forestalled as Kate checked what she was wearing. Green tunic, some kind of supple leather, very well cut matched with equally comfortable leggings and boots all in shades of green. At her waist was a light sword belt and she was holding a bow with a quiver of arrows on her back.
"Osgood I appear to be Robin Ho..."
She stopped as she looked for Osgood. She had to look down as Osgood now seemed much shorter. She was dressed in a cream shirt, brown waistcoat, bowtie, brown corduroy trousers - so far so Osgood but then...
"Osgood! What happened to your feet?!!"
It occurred to Kate she'd never seen Osgood's bare feet before so perhaps they had always been enormous and hairy.
"I'm very sorry Osgood they're perfectly fine feet." Kate backpedaled quickly.
"I'm a hobbit." Said Osgood reverently "and you're.."
"Robin Hood judging by the outfit."
"Haven't you noticed your ears Kate?"
"What about.." Kate reached up to feel her ears. Her fingers found dainty points. "Oh...well live long and prosper Osgood."
Osgood fell even deeper in love that Kate was trying but she had to correct her.
"You're an elf Kate."
"Is that an acronym? Elegant Lethbridge I'd like to..."
"No..yes...but no..I think we're in a Lord of the Rings fanfic. I think you're Legolas and I'm Frodo."
"Osgood what are you Tolkien about?"
Osgood was worried, this wasn't like Kate. Maybe she'd been out in the sun too long.
"I think we're in Mordor Kate. I think this is middle earth."
"I'm sorry Osgood I'm not feeling myself."
"I can help with that." Said Osgood. She looked shocked. Whatever was affecting Kate was clearly affecting her. She had a nasty suspicion what it might be. She pulled her tricorder from her belt. The very fact she had a tricorder went some way to confirming her fears. The scan verified it.
"My readings confirm a very low canonical compliance field in the immediate environment."
"How low is the ccf read?"
"Negative 27.54 on the Flufcrack scale." Said Osgood grimly.
Kate didn't have to ask if Osgood had checked the reading.
"By the animations of Bakshi!! Osgood you know what a score that low means?"
"Yes. We're in a Lord of the Rings fanfic written by someone who has never read any Tolkien AND HASN'T EVEN SEEN THE FILMS!"
"By the blades of Weiss and Hickman! What kind of monster would do that?!! So this whole fic is cobbled together from trailers, half watched episodes of game of thrones and pictures of Cate Blanchett?!"
"I'm afraid so but I think the author may have seen at least one of the Hobbit movies."
"What makes you say that?" asked Kate skeptically.
"I'm wearing a deerstalker."
Kate growled with barely coherent anger.
"No! I am not a violent woman but this is too much!" Kate nocked an arrow to her bow and aimed upwards.
"What are you doing?" Osgood peered up but all she could see was the roof of the cave pocked with stalactites.
"I'm going to take out the author. We just need to get them in close, if we can lure them in to edit the document I should be able to make the shot. We just need bait to get them to editing range. Osgood spell something incorrectly."
"Kate I don'k mink that gone wark."
"Why not?"
"I rell I cant see an author lik thas done much efiting."
"By the shapely cuirass of Brienne you may have a point. But what else can we do?"
"I unk arry on .."
"You can stop that now Osgood."
"Thank you. I think we should carry on through the fic. I know it feels wrong but hopefully it won't last long."
"You said that about the Hobbit movies."
They set off, two brave companions enjoined in their quest traversing the dark realms beneath the weight of dwarf hewn stone. They walked many leagues through the caverns for many hours and little happened. But on that long tedious trek secrets were shared, bonds were made and the fellowship grew stronger.
"....and that's why I'm no longer welcome in Legoland." Concluded Osgood as they emerged into a cathedral sized cavern.
There was a sign hewn into the rock. Osgood read it and winced. Kate looked over.
"It seems were approaching the Nunshal Pass." She sighed heavily. "By the coffee shops of Travis Baldtree Let's get this over with."
Ahead was a stone bridge crossing a broad dark chasm. A chill stinking wind blew up from the chasm hinting at the horrors that lay below. They were about to step onto the bridge when Kate noticed the beast lurking in the darkness of the bridges underside.
The creature was huge but seemingly formed of the darkness itself. It's bat winged bulk clung to the underside of the bridge unmoving yet exuding primal threat.
"The Balrog!" breathed Osgood.
"It's sleeping, we can cross the bridge but we'll be walking right above it so we need to be utterly silent. Do you understand Osgood? Our survival depends on total stealth."
"I'll put my phone on silent."
Kate went first, her elven ranger garb was well suited to stealth and she moved near silently the supple smooth fabric of her clothing made little sound as she moved.
She waved Osgood forward. Osgood was less athletic but her furry feet were quiet. Sadly her clothing was not as the corduroy of her trousers made a sound like crickets having angry sex with every swishing step.
"Osgood!" Whispered Kate urgently.
"I'm sorry but I can't help the sensual purr of corduroy.'
The Balrog awoke swinging itself up onto the bridge. It's monstrous form seemed to drink the light as it's wings spread in threat.
Kate nocked an arrow.
"Chap with the wings, five arrows rapid." She murmured to herself to steady her aim.
She loosed five white fletched clothyard shafts in a stunning display of precision bowmanship. Despite the perfection of the shot the arrows were swallowed ineffectually in the darkness that swathed the monster.
Osgood drew her shortsword. Kate nocked another arrow but they knew it was looking grim. The Balrog lashed out with a whip of fire.
"Move aside!" Bellowed an imperious voice from behind Kate. She jumped in surprise. Behind her was a grey bearded, grey robed man clutching a staff and a glowing sword.
"I am Gandalf the Grey, and who might you be elf?" Asked the newcomer.
"I am Kate the...well I don't like to label it but I suppose I'd have to say Kate the Bi."
"He said 'Grey'." Osgood whispered.
"I did think we were over sharing for a first meeting." said Kate.
Gandalf strode past them to confront the Balrog. Light and dark met in an epic and symbolic clash. Steel and magic flickered through the darkness.
Osgood watched in awe until Kate had the presence of mind to drag her to the far side of the bridge.
"By the spiked frisbee of Krull that was close." Breathed Kate.
"Shouldn't we stay and help Gandalf?" Asked Osgood as the titanic struggle raged behind them.
"No I'm sure he'll be fine, you don't go into a fight wearing a hat like that unless you're really confident."
They walked on through the mines for a long time. The two companions spent their time in idle chat.
"...and that's why the Rolling Stones are responsible for Mars bars now being smaller..." explained Osgood.
Finally they emerged from the gloom of the mines to the cold light of the mountains. Before them lay the mighty oceans. Gulls flew over head cawing and squawking into the sea air.
"By the silly string of hawk the slayer! Osgood I can smell fish and chips!"
There was indeed a small building set onto the cliff face from which an aroma of fish and chips wafted enticingly. A sign outside read 'Radagast's Restaurant'.
Ten minutes later Kate and Osgood were walking along the seafront eating chips from the bag.
"These are great but it seems odd that there was a fish and chip shop in middle earth." Said Osgood.
"They were out of plaice." Kate was still being affected by the low ccf.
"The owner looked oddly familiar though."
Before Osgood could say more she was knocked to the ground by a diving attack from one of the gulls.
More joined the attack streaking down from above. Kate moved in front of Osgood sword drawn.
"Those aren't just gulls, they're nazguls! And they want our fish and chips."
Kate flailed at the attacking Nazgul.
"Kate I've found something." Said Osgood from the ground.
Kate turned to see Osgood kneeling holding out a ring.
"Oh my precious!" Gasped Kate in surprise.
Osgood blushed.
"Kate?"
"Yes."
"Yes ..?"
"Yes. Of course."