Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

A dilapidated building on the verge of destruction. ALFRED HILLINGHEAD stands on the roof, gazing down at a mangled corpse far below. He is a tall man with silky hair and a rough, auburn beard. HENRY ASHE, a blonde and blue-eyed journalist is holding up his camera to take a picture of him when they lock eyes. 

Hillinghead: (raises his head as he hears the camera snap) You... I know you.

Ashe: (lets it go, gaze curious as he takes a single, hesitant step closer) What are you doing up here, sir?

Hillinghead: Same thing you are, I suppose. Trying to figure out what happened.

Ashe: Ah. Forgive me for noticing this but... (clears his throat) you're staring down this building like you'd like to try the quickest way down.

Hillinghead: (frowns deeply) You don't know me.

Ashe: Of course not. Maybe I'd like to. (Both freeze, ASHE forces a smile) I mean that we could be good colleagues, you and I. Bring people to justice together... The police and journalists mustn't be against each other.

Hillinghead: I've got it. You're that... That golden-haired photographer that took my photograph in the street-

Ashe: I'm sorry? Golden-haired?

Hillinghead: (blinks much too often as ASHE takes another step closer with more confidence this time.) I- u-uhm... I'm sorry. Excuse my poor vocabulary, sir-

Ashe: On the contrary. I've never heard that one before but I'm quickly growing fond of it. (smirks playfully) I should put that on all my official documents. 

(They share a brief laugh and smile at each other. HILLINGHEAD hurriedly looks away once he catches himself.)

Hillinghead: I feel your name should already be long enough, Mr...?

Ashe: Ashe. Henry Ashe. (Closes the gap between them and shakes his hand.)

Hillinghead: well, I'm-

Ashe: I know, sir. I'm a journalist; I do my fair share of research on those I'm interested in interviewing. Even when they are as elusive as you, DI.

Hillinghead: ...I'm sure you do. (lets go.) What do you do with the images, by the way? I've seen you a few times since then - never for long enough before you slip away while I'm doing my job but - I have some inkling that you've taken more pictures of me than the paper has run?

Ashe: (his charming smile wavers a moment but he shrugs his shoulders, putting it back on) What can I say? You're a brilliant DI. I keep spares in case I'm ever in need of them. And as for the slipping away, I could say the very same about you.

Hillinghead: Ah. That's it. Of course. Mind if I take a look? I wouldn't mind one for my home and your work is rivalled by none.

Ashe: (surprised) You flatter me, sir... Be my guest. My address is yours. Come by whenever you fancy.

Hillinghead: I'll be by this evening. It was (stretches out his hand once more) nice to meet you, Henry Ashe.

Ashe: And I you. (takes it.) This may be the start of a wonderful partnership. For the good of both our professions.

Hillinghead: This may be the slightest bit arrogant but I, for one, fail to see how a journalist could assist in police work.

Ashe: (lets out an amused huff) Perhaps I'll show you. Your bluntness is admirable, however. Honesty is not the value of many men. Part of what makes you so good at your job, I reckon.

They take a long moment to stare at each other, HILLINGHEAD pulling away abruptly and bowing his head as some sort of hurried apology before he rushes away. ASHE watches him go with a smile, stares at the hand he'd shaken the man with for a moment, then shakes his head as if trying to push a thought from his mind and walks away.)

Chapter Text

(That very evening, in a small and cosy flat with a small fire going, ASHE stumbles out of the bathroom after a few rapt knocks on his door.)

ASHE: (swears inaudibly under his breath) I'm coming, m comin'!

(The door opens. HILLINGHEAD is met with the sight of ASHE in only a towel, his hair wet and messy from his bath. He tries to keep his gaze on ASHE's eyes alone but it slips lower a couple of times as he tries to find the words to greet the man. ASHE smirks knowingly and takes a step back, gesturing for him to enter. HILLINGHEAD hesitates at the threshold but does so, breathing in deep as ASHE's scent covers the entire apartment. He eyes the pictures that line his walls and the tasteful furnishing with the same fond curiosity that ASHE gazes at him with.)

HILLINGHEAD: Each picture must be quite the story.

ASHE: If I told you the stories of where and how I met all these people, we'd be here all night.

HILLINGHEAD: Sounds like a heavenly way to spend my hours.

ASHE: (flushes and grins wider) Oh? One of the many men who can't bear to be at home? Is it the wife? The kids?

HILLINGHEAD: Not necessarily. My wife and daughter are fine... (ASHE arches his brows but says nothing) It's just... I need some space at times. To collect myself, I suppose.

ASHE: And you're spending that time with me...? (HILLINGHEAD doesn't respond. ASHE waits, then lets out an amused huff, walking into the kitchen. HILLINGHEAD watches his back as he goes, only able to tear his gaze away for a moment before he continues his staring once again) Would you like some tea, Detective?

HILLINGHEAD: Detective-Inspector and yes, yes I would.

ASHE turns his head, once again surprised when he catches HILLINGHEAD staring. The policeman averts his gaze and turns so that he cannot see ASHE anymore, focusing on his pictures. It is as he is looking through that he finds a stack of shots on the table. He fingers through them, his breathing slowing as he gazes at the half-naked men in the photos. His eyes are wide, hands shaking and his breath picks up again when ASHE returns to the living room, the photos slipping out of his hands. There is a brief, tense silence between the two men.

ASHE: (clicks his tongue) For a DI, I thought you'd be much better at sneaking around. Didn't peg you for the clumsy type.

HILLINGHEAD: I... I am not... I don't...

ASHE: Worry not, Alfred. It's an unexpected trait but rather sweet. Makes you all the more human in my eyes.

HILLINGHEAD: ...Did these men all touch you?

ASHE: No... Some had partners they were much too devoted to. And for others, it was I alone that did the touching. (HILLINGHEAD takes a moment to collect himself and steady his fists. ASHE watches him, knowing he should be terrified of what may come of this but finding himself curious, instead, like the journalist he is. He shows this by inching forward, only to jerk back when HILLINGHEAD holds his arms out to put space between them)

HILLINGHEAD: Don't touch me, don't- I thought- why... Why would you let me see these?!

ASHE: From the moment I first saw you... I sensed... Something. I hoped I was wrong. Believe me, I did. You're a married man, for heaven's sake. With a child. At least I did my hypothetical wife and myself a favour by not pretending to be what I was not for the sake of better standing in society but you? I wasn't sure until tonight but... Now that I am...

HILLINGHEAD: You know nothing! You don't know me! I... (his breath catches in his throat when ASHE reaches out a hand and touches his cheek, his body much too close)

ASHE: Hey... Hey, it's... It's going to be okay... (begins to wipe away his tears)

HILLINGHEAD: I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH ME! (grapples with him, eventually pushing the man onto the ground on top of the photos. They are both sweating a bit, ASHE'S skin glistening in the firelight. HILLINGHEAD's breathing picks up as he stares at the man whose throat is lodged between his fingers, laid out over photos of men of all kinds. He shoots up, adjusts his tie and heads for the door.) I will let the police know tomorrow. You will be raided. That should give you enough time to... To run. Take your things. Leave this place and never come back. Do you understand me?

ASHE: To run? (scoffs) Is there anything I've done wrong, Hillinghead? It is a crime to take pictures of-

HILLINGHEAD: You're sick, Henry, we're both- (pauses, then sighs wearily) Please. If not for your sake then do it for the sake of a stranger. I don't want you hurt but I... I must do my duty. I must. If I don't make this choice  then... Who am I but a mad man?

ASHE: Sometimes one must be mad to see the truth of the world and of himself, Alfred so... Please... Please don't go. Your tea, it will get col- 

(He slams the door behind him. ASHE bristles, then slumps against the door. He bites his lip as he glances back at the stack of photos, nursing a frown as he pinches the bridge of his nose between his fingers. Slowly, he reaches a hand over his throat where HILLINGHEAD held him, gulping as he does so and goes into his bedroom to dress, the tea abandoned on the table)

Chapter Text

(The next evening, HILLINGHEAD hesitates, then knocks on ASHE'S door)

ASHE: Oh. It's you. (Lets him in)

(They stare at each other for a while, then ASHE walks into the kitchen. His expression is cool as he returns to the living room with some tea while HILLINGHEAD is apprehensive and fidgeting as he looks around the room, spotting the photographs in the same pile on the floor that he'd left them.)

HILLINGHEAD: Are you mad?! The police could have used those for evidence! What were you thinking, betting your life on someone like me?! I'm the DI, Ashe... One word from me and you're done for.

ASHE: (with a cold tone) I know. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to do it. To run and hide. What's a little persecution, hmm? Been faced with it my entire life as a homosexual. Only difference is a little prosecution this time. Life will do what it wills.

HILLINGHEAD: You cannot leave such things to chance so easily. You should not trust me - you shouldn't have let me in, either.

ASHE: I know. Against all odds, (smiles bitterly) I was happy to see you again. May I... If this is to be the end, Hillinghead... May I hug you?

(HILLINGHEAD doesn't speak. Instead, he stands stiffly, his body in a light tremble and spreads his arms. ASHE smiles gratefully, the ice in his gaze and tone completely melted as he becomes warm radiance again and winds his arms round HILLINGHEAD'S body. HILLINGHEAD doesn't speak but tears fill his eyes as the blonde holds him tighter, the moment of hesitation a thing of the past as he tugs ASHE further into his chest.)

HILLINGHEAD: (weakly) I... I told no one, Ashe.

ASHE: What? I'm glad, of course but I... I don't understand... I thought - you pushed me away, yesterday and I thought that perhaps- was this some sort of test? You wanted to know the kind of person I was? What was the point of all this?!

HILLINGHEAD: No. I was scared of you. I wanted you to go away because I couldn't handle the fact that you were here, right in front of me... And now that I know...? I think your courage is utterly foolish but - but still, would you - come take a walk with me, Ashe. 

ASHE: Seems like an awful idea (smiles at the dejected look on HILLINGHEAD'S face) which makes it perfect. I'll just grab my coat.

(It's rather dark outside. HILLINGHEAD and ASHE are walking through the park, side by side. HILLINGHEAD brings out something to feed the ducks in the pond, gesturing for ASHE to join him at the bridge. ASHE stares on in wonder, HILLINGHEAD'S excitement falling away from his face when he turns and notices he's being watched)

HILLINGHEAD: I... Err... I'm sorry. That wasn't very manly of me.

ASHE: The quest for manliness is what draws many men into aggression, violence and war. We can all afford to choose the gentler path a bit more often, I'm just... Surprised to be meeting this side of you so suddenly. You seem so icy and focused when you're doing your job. And with me, well, a bit terrified and distant, despite your curiosity. (HILLINGHEAD flinches which causes ASHE to sigh as he take as hesitant step forward.) Thank you for showing them to me. Showing me yourself, too. 

HILLINGHEAD: I don't know what you're talking about. They're ducks. Merely ducks. (ASHE moves closer and reaches a hand out for some of the crumbs. HILLINGHEAD hesitantly lets him do as he wishes, turning away when he is smiled at) I'd rather talk about you.

ASHE: Oh? Hmm... What are their names?

HILLINGHEAD: Oh! They're- wait. Don't change the subject!

ASHE: (a brief fit of laughter) my apologies, sir. Carry on. 

HILLINGHEAD: They... Are named after Sherlock Holmes characters...

ASHE: That explains so much-

HILLINGHEAD: Anyway! I must know, Ashe... Please... Why didn't you run? Why didn't you go? I could have... I might have... I almost did and you would have been ruined so how? How could you leave it up to chance so breezily?

ASHE: Unlike you, I'm not so quick to give up who I am. I'd rather be unsafe than spend my entire life lying to and running from myself and the world. So I stayed. I suppose part of me hoped you would... Reconsider. 

HILLINGHEAD: (horrified) That is much too large a risk to take!

ASHE: (hesitant for a moment) I... Knew I could trust you. Something in me just felt I had to show you myself and watch what you did with the knowledge. I bear no regrets, Alfred. We're feeding ducks together now, after all.

HILLINGHEAD: (clears his throat) don't give them anymore - a few crumbs makes the difference between a well-deserved snack and overfeeding. It's dangerous to overdo it. (ASHE rolls his eyes but returns the food to him with a small smile.) Does this luck and special intuition of yours always hold out for you?

ASHE: Unfortunately not... This isn't my first time meeting someone that shouldn't have caught wind of my more non-conformist proclivities. It is the first time I've so badly wanted to kiss an officer of the law, however. And here I thought I had better control over myself.

HILLINGHEAD: Henry!

(HILLINGHEAD'S expression is so incredulous that ASHE bursts out laughing. He tries to stop himself but eventually, ALFRED HILLINGHEAD joins in and starts him going all over again. The walk back is much more quiet. ASHE tries to start up conversation again but HILLINGHEAD stays silent, his eyes to the ground. ASHE frowns as he opens up the door to his home, upset with the sudden lull in conversation.)

ASHE: I'm sorry. I suppose I'm meant to be grateful you didn't turn me in without making an ass of myself flirting with you. This just... It seemed a lot like you were courting me? (HILLINGHEAD'S head snaps up as ASHE laughs nervously, suddenly shy and unable to keep eye contact for the first time since they'd met.) Ridiculous, I know. But it was nice. To not feel like being a homosexual only meant something as far as sex was concerned. To feel desired for more than just my body. 

HILLINGHEAD: Your body is lovely indeed but to pay attention to only that aspect of you would be a horrible way to squander the gift of your presence.

ASHE: Alfred...

HILLINGHEAD: You're a dangerous man. You bring me right out. I've never known anyone to do that with such skill. You surpass my own daughter's ability to see who I am and we've hardly known each other in this life so... Why is it so easy with you? I hoped it was simply a moment of insanity when you passed me by the first time we met and I was filled with such overwhelming, abundant joy and warmth because of the smile of a stranger. M-may I... (He places a trembling hand on ASHE'S waist and hesitates before his gaze darts from the man's lips to his eyes)

ASHE: Thank you for asking but believe me, you've had my eager permission from the moment I first saw you. (Grabs his collar and drags him inside, slamming the door shut behind him.)

Chapter Text

(They're laying in bed together, holding each other tightly. As if they're afraid to let go. Neither wants to break the peaceful silence. ASHE worries HILLINGHEAD will run from him once it sinks in that they've slept together. HILLINGHEAD worries ASHE will kick him out once he tells him a truth he's kept hidden since he finally found the courage to speak to him)

HILLINGHEAD: Henry...? There's something I haven't told you yet. And you may think less of me but... I must share it.

ASHE: (dreading his response, voice shaky) Oh. Alright... What is it?

HILLINGHEAD: It feels like I've met you before. Like I've known you before, just as intimately, just as deeply. And perhaps I have. I have these dreams - nightmares, really - of events that never took place. Yet, they feel so real in the moment. Being murdered horribly. Being stripped from my family. Knowing my daughter was to wed a man of the basest morals one could imagine and being unable to do anything about it. Not all of them have been negative, however. And the ones that aren't? Every last one of them has been filled with the ghost of you.

ASHE: Hillinghead, I...

HILLINGHEAD: Please. I've already told you. Alfred is fine. We're much closer than you think. At least to me. I lost you in those dreams, chased you away myself. I can't stand the thought of ever doing so again but I had to tell you. I had to let you know that this connection of ours is cosmic in a way I do not understand, nor do I care to, as long as you are with me and I am with you.

ASHE: I thought you were a coward when you said you'd report me to the authorities. (HILLINGHEAD bristles but ASHE carries on, still hurt by the memory.) A spineless one at that.

HILLINGHEAD: I was. Nay, I am. I've always been. So I don't know why... I've let myself do this. Let go of the control I've always desperately tried to hold onto but... I also know it's the most right thing I may ever do. Because it's you, Henry. It's you. Do you understand that?

ASHE: I do. (More quietly, to himself) More than I can say. (Aloud again) So, err... What of me did you see while asleep, hmm?

HILLINGHEAD: Mainly your face. Your eyes. Your... Body. I tried to look away but even there, the me trying to hide himself couldn't stay in control of his gaze well enough. Mm... That golden hair of yours I love to run my fingers through. Sometimes I could feel you touching me, too. With such tenderness that I almost felt revered. You quite like my beard, don't you?

ASHE: (teasingly as he tangles his fingers into it, staring into HILLINGHEAD'S eyes) I quite like every part about you, Detective-Inspector.

HILLINGHEAD: Mm. I'm quickly beginning to understand that but I'll need more evidence to make a thoroughly factual and research-based conclusion. Care to assist?

ASHE: Would be an honour to aid an investigation with the likes of you, sir...

(About an hour or two, HILLINGHEAD is running his fingers through ASHE'S damp hair, leaning down to kiss him once he wakes up. ASHE'S breath hitches as they lean into each other's space, his skin flush and heart thumping wildly as he realises he doesn't want HILLINGHEAD to leave)

ASHE: Perhaps it's time you go, Alfred. (HILLINGHEAD instantly frowns in response) No, not because I want you to. Your wife. Your daughter. You have a family to go home to. I have nothing. I can't be as important to you as your life with them, I know that but... It doesn't mean I don't wish I was. It doesn't mean I won't think of you when you leave and wish you were still with me. I've gotten so used to expecting sex and nothing more, yet, it feels different with you. Different in a way I can't explain, nor can I handle with you so close to me. If you don't go, I'll make you stay the night again and then things with your wife may truly be ruined. We... (ASHE swallows) we wouldn't want that, would we?

HILLINGHEAD: My wife. My daughter... It may be hard for you to believe, Henry but you're already my family, too.

(ASHE swallows again, not meeting his gaze as he tries to ignore the way those words made him feel. He sits up on the bed, forcing his eyes shut when HILLINGHEAD drapes his shirtless body against his back, drawing him close and melting his attempt at distance with a single kiss against his neck that weakens all his defences)

HILLINGHEAD: You don't get it, do you? Not truly. You have no idea the length nor the depth of these dreams I had. Even when I was seeing through that Alfred's eyes, just as it happened now, from the moment you first fell into my arms, I knew. I simply understood that this? Us? It's right. It always has been, I just never let myself... Be it. Feel it. Until now. Until you. My wife deserves the truth. She has been my dearest friend and this may ruin us but we'd both be all the better for it. I can't keep lying to her. She deserves the truth from the man she chose to marry.

ASHE: (flustered and alarmed) You can't do that for me. I know you've decided to be brave now but don't be stupid... We hardly know each other, Alfred. You know what it's like for people like us in this world. You've arrested some yourself, why would you risk so much for so little? What could I possibly have to offer that could make this worth it to you?

HILLINGHEAD: I've seen so much of you in my dreams. The little I've witnessed in reality has been enough. I'm sure, darling. I promise you I'm sure. You won't understand it but I thought you were an angel when I walked past you the very first time. Seeing you in the flesh startled me with what I can only describe as pure euphoria, for lack of a stronger word... Imagine my joy when I found out you couldn't get me out of your head either. Realising in the days I've known you here that you trust me and accept me and care for me with a warmth of a depth I've never known from anyone.

ASHE: I don't have the visions you do.

HILLINGHEAD: I'm aware. Which must make the words I'm spewing so recklessly quite overwhelming and confusing. Forgive me-

ASHE: Let me finish, Alfred? (ASHE smiles fondly when HILLINGHEAD mimes a zip to his closed mouth, carrying on with an unsteady voice that gets stronger with time.) I never had those dreams but... I've had certain sensations, from the day I first saw you, that there was something more to you. Something I had to figure out as if my very life may depend on it. It was like being drawn by a magnet, utterly irresistible and seeing you on that ledge pushed me past the brink of my threadbare restraint. That feeling has become so much stronger than I could have imagined it would so believe me, the words you're saying are only causing me to fall deeper than I know I should. (HILLINGHEAD stares at him while ASHE freezes up at his own words, laughing bitterly) Why did I...? What happened to us? It seems I've taken up your caution and you've drawn upon my recklessness. It's suddenly very hard to say what I know I truly, deeply feel... I can't help but worry I'm making your life so much more difficult, forcing you to confront a part of you that you've been scared to for such a long time. I just want to know you're happy, Alfred. It's all I'll ever want for you.

(ASHE presses his forehead to HILLINGHEAD'S, breathing him in as the detective does the same. He pulls back and looks him in the eyes, his voice weakened as he forces himself to give him the chance to abandon him again, if he so wishes.)

ASHE: I swear to you. If this was all you needed, it will be okay. I'm glad to have helped. I only know that if your happiness is with me, then it would bring me a joy I've always longed for but never known. Yet, if it is with them? It is your life. They are your family and yes, I know you care for me but you've known them for so much longer. I will be okay. J-just say the word and I... I will try my very best to let you be. 

HILLINGHEAD: (gently brushes a tear from ASHE'S cheek, amused when the blond curses under his breath. He presses the tip of his index finger to ASHE'S jaw, smiling softly when he finally lets himself meet his gaze) I didn't let myself say it in my dreams so I will do so now, no matter what comes next. I love you, Henry Ashe. I hardly know you yet in life but I've known you elsewhere and in that place, I wanted so badly to run away with you, marry you, spend my entire life and whatever comes beyond in your presence. Fiction and delusion or not, I've known you for not half a week now and I cannot imagine a life without you. I do not want to go back to that... That almost utterly colourless, tasteless, dreamless place once more. Give me forever or even a moment of it and you can have all of me for as long as you please-

ASHE: Have you gone mad? (He tries to sound upset but he's smiling, tears rushing down his face each time he's wiped them away because HILLINGHEAD won't stop smiling at him in that tender way that utterly ruins his insides with love and lust) I've never been cared for this much... I've never cared for anyone this much, either. This is crazy. I must be crazy. Yet, it's the freest I've ever felt in my life! If this is a dream, I hope I don't wake, at least for a long, long while. 

HILLINGHEAD: I'm a man of facts and evidence and indisputable proof. What's happened here goes beyond my comprehension of existence in ways I can hardly understand myself but I... It's the truth. My truth. I will no longer run from it. From you. And if you will join me... We could speak to my wife tomorrow. My daughter as well, soon enough. Whether I am forgiven or not, I will take comfort in knowing that I am yours. Yours once more, Henry.

ASHE: and I yours, Alfred. I can't wait to spend our life driving you crazy. I... I love you too. (He says this quietly, yet loud enough for HILLINGHEAD to hear, his voice rising as he turns to him and crushes him in a tight hug.) I love you, I love you, I love you! I've been wanting to get that out since we were at that park. No, since... It's strange. When I saw you the first time, the thought came to my mind. I felt it when our gazes met and found the notion ridiculous but my eyes were filled with tears as I turned away. How could I have known that we've known each other before? And now I'm given the honour of knowing you once again? I'm relieved you did not let our second chance pass you by.

HILLINGHEAD: you trust me so deeply... I betrayed your trust there and almost did here. I never will again, not ever in our lifetimes. A future past, we met our end, you and I. Today mark's our new beginning and-

(ASHE tugs him on top of himself, meeting his lips as reality becomes a blissful dream in itself, even for a moment.)