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Chapter Text

Princess Charlie Morningstar was up and excited, with a spring in her step and a song in her heart as she greeted her hotel residents in the lobby.

🎶 It’s a beautiful morning today up in Pride

A life never boring, all feelings aside

And it’s so rewarding once you’ve hitched a ride

To our hope-filled hotel

It’s another happy day in Hell! 🎶 

She was about to break into the second verse when her phone rang. “Oh, hold on. Let me take this.”

“Finally, a reprieve from Early Morning Song Time,” Husk muttered. “I’m always too sober for that.”

Hearing that saddened Charlie but her high spirits immediately returned once she saw who was calling. With a happy gasp, she headed to another room and answered.

“Auntie Bee!”

“Char-Bear!” Beelzebub exclaimed. “How’s my best niece doing?”

“Oh, you know. Still working the hotel,” Charlie replied. “It’s all refurbished and ready for future success!”

“Damn right! Luci told me how you kicked Heaven’s pretentious ass! That’s my girl.”

“If you think that’s good news, then wait till you hear this: the hotel works!” Charlie excitedly announced.

That took the sin of gluttony by surprise. She nearly spit out her Beelzejuice. “Really?”

“Uh huh! Our dearly departed guest Sir Pentious is the first ever sinner to ascend and he’s in the company of good non-murdery angels. I’m so proud of him!”

“Then that’s even more of a reason to party,” Bee remarked.

“Yep! I really have to thank you, Auntie,” said Charlie. “You taught me that inside every demon there’s a rainbow and that’s been my guiding philosophy ever since.”

Beelzebub chuckled. “I was actually talkin’ ‘bout being gay, but I guess we’re both right, huh?”

“Haha, yeah.” Charlie blushed a little with embarrassment. “Hey, I’m sure Vaggie would love to meet you. Dad’s practically adopted her into the family already even though he still thinks her name is Maggie.”

Bee laughed some more. “Yeah, that’s Luci for you.”

“Wait, what was that you said about partying?”

“Oh, right, right. Your 207th birthday’s coming up soon and it’s been a while since I’ve thrown you a big one,” Beelzebub noted. “So how ‘bout we have one at the hotel! I’ll invite the other sins, we can meet all your hotel guests, how’s that sound?”

“Ooh, that’s an amazing idea!” Charlie beamed with excitement. “But… I should let you know we have a bit of a situation here. Nothing you couldn’t handle, obviously, but still a situation.”

“What kind of situation?”

“So after we discovered Pen was redeemed, we found out angels can be un-redeemed… demoted…” There was an awkward pause as Charlie struggled to think of the right word. “Well, whatever it’s called, it’s a thing that can happen. So now we have an angel-turned-sinner on our hands.”

“It’s Adam, ain’t it?”

Charlie sighed. “Yeah. I’m not thrilled about it, but living under my protection is the best option he has. If he goes outside, he’ll be captured by Valentino or the mafia or anyone else who’d want to do unspeakable things to an ex-Exorcist.”

“Adam’s a huge asshole but from my experience he’s actually good at partying,” said Beelzebub. “You are letting everyone mess with him, right?”

“Uh huh,” said Charlie. “It was really the only condition where they’d let him stay, though I try to de-escalate things as best I can. But hey, redemption's possible, so I guess we won’t be stuck with him forever… hopefully…”

“Stay still, bad boy!”

“No! Get away from me, you fucking gremlin!”

Charlie groaned. “I should probably handle this. But keep me updated on party plans, Auntie Bee!”

“Will do! Bye, Char-Bear!”

Charlie reentered the main lobby and saw Niffty happily tossing bugs on Adam while Angel Dust, Husk, Cherri, and Vaggie cheered her on. Even Alastor seemed to be silently chuckling at Adam cowering.

“Awww,” Angel Dust mocked. “Is the ‘Dickmaster’ scared of a woman?”

“Yeah, when she’s a fucking psycho!” Adam yelled back. “Put her on a leash, for fuck’s sake!”

“Less yelly, more stabby!” Niffty took her favorite dagger and stabbed each and every bug crawling on the first man, wounding him in the process.

“This is gonna be one of those days, isn’t it…” Charlie muttered.

Suddenly Alastor stood right next to the princess. “It wouldn’t be a satisfying day without entertainment, now would it?”

Charlie just facepalmed.

Chapter Text

Beelzebub arrived at the hotel the day before for decorating and other preemptive planning. Naturally, Charlie took the earliest opportunity to introduce her friends to her aunt.

“So here are our guests: Angel Dust and Cherri Bomb.”

Cherri cheered. “Yeah, I finally got the chance to go to one of Queen Bee’s bitchin’ parties!” 

Angel put his arm around Cherri’s shoulder and smiled. “Imagine how jealous everyone else’ll be when we become the first sinners to do that?”

“Fuckin’ bonzer!”

Charlie took that as her cue to continue. “That’s Husk, our bartender.”

Husk didn’t even take a break from drinking to say something. Instead he just glanced over and waved.

“Niffty cleans and also kills bugs.”

“Ouch,” said Beelzebub in mock fear. “I’d better watch out for you.”

She winked, and Niffty smiled with a wink (blink?) of her own.

“Alastor makes us chuckle with an old-timey fun,” Charlie noted.

“Guilty as charged,” Alastor proudly replied.

“Alright, that’s Frank the Egg Boi, you know Razzle and KeeKee, and………” Charlie ran over to her girlfriend and took her hand. “This is Vaggie!!!!” 

Vaggie offered an awkward handshake. “Hello, Your Majesty…”

“Pssh, don’t be so formal. You’re family now!” Bee wrapped Vaggie up in a tight four-armed hug while Charlie looked on in adoration 

“Haha okay.” Vaggie’s just gonna have to get used to these backbreaking family hugs.

“Hey, you forgot about me!” Adam shouted from across the room.

“No I didn’t,” Charlie replied. “You already know the sins so why would I bother introducing you?”

Adam didn’t have anything to say to that but he sure sported a >:( face.

After introductions, the Queen of Gluttony began the decorations. Among other ornaments, she brought exactly 207 balloons, each with a unique drawing of Charlie’s happy face.

“Aww, they’re so adorable!” Charlie cooed.

“Y’know,” said Angel Dust. “It’s real easy to forget you’re so old since you’ve got that perpetual Disney Princess vibe.”

Charlie smiled. “My positive outlook has worked for me so far, so I won’t stop any time soon.”

“Please,” Vaggie dryly interjected. “If you want to talk about people not acting their age, then focus on Adam. Bastard’s 10,000 years old yet acts like a toddler.”

“Hey!” Adam yelled. “I was never a toddler so I’ll consider that an accomplishment!” 

“That’s not something to be proud of!” Vaggie yelled back.

“Excuse me, isn’t this the fucking pride ring?”

“Hey!” Beelzebub got into her big demon form and peered down at Adam. “You better behave or I’ll purposely make shit quality Beelzejuice and make you drink it instead of anything else!”

“Yes, ma’am…”

There’s not a lot that can make Adam back down, but being denied access to the finest liquor in Hell is one of them.

“Speaking of…” Bee flew over to the bar  “This is a pretty good setup you got here.”

“Uh… thanks.” Husk replied.

Bee immediately summoned several dozen bottles of her best supply of juice and placed them on the bar counter. “Keep these safe and make sure no one has more than a reasonable amount, especially this guy. He’s a total party killer when he’s plastered.”

She slid a photo across the bar. Husk picked up and saw it depicted a tall imp with white blotches on his skin who looked to be downing a giant beehive of Beelzejuice.

“I thought you were supposed to embody gluttony,” said Husk. “Plenty of the alcohol here comes directly from you. So what’ve you got against people drinking themselves stupid?”

“‘Cause if you drink yourself to death then the party stops!” Bee replied. “You gotta regulate fun properly.”

Husk really couldn’t argue with that logic. Though that did bring up a new question. “If this guy’s such a drag at parties, then why not just not invite him?

Bee sighed. “Ozzie’s bringing Fizz and Fizz probaby invited that guy ‘cause they just repaired their friendship, and if he’s not going with Fizz then he’s bound to tag along with Loona ‘cause Tex invited her and she’s fun but there’s no way he’d not be jealous if she came to Char-Bear’s party without him, so it’s best to just let him show up.” She took a quick swig from a bottle Husk offered. “It’s complicated…”

Husk just nodded. He didn’t even remotely understand what she was talking about, but it’s a bartender’s job to listen.

“Yeah it’s never simple in Hell,” Lucifer remarked, having walked downstairs during that explanation. “But I see you met Maggie. She and Charlie are so adorable together!”

Beelzebub couldn’t help but snicker a little. “Her name’s not Maggie, bro.”

“I know that!” Lucifer replied. “Maggie’s a nickname for Margaret.” The King of Hell sported such a goofy yet confident smile.

Bee just facepalmed.

Chapter Text

Indeed, Blitzø had dragged his daughter and employees with him to the hotel, not that they minded. After all the crap they’d been through recently, they deserved a break.

“Hello!” Charlie greeted them. “Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel!”

Millie gasped. “It’s the princess! Mox, get the camera! We need a picture to frame!”

Charlie smiled and posed for a picture with Millie. Moxxie took the pic and showed it to his wife.

“That looks great!” she said. “Sal’s gon’ be so jealous!”

The pic is gonna go right alongside Millie’s prized Thing™ from Loo Loo Land.

She was studying the picture when Niffty suddenly approached. “I sense you’re a fellow stabby woman,” she said enthusiastically.

“It’s a good livin’,” she replied. “By the way, good job on E-Day.” Her voice shifted to a low whisper. “Is it true he’s here?”

“Yep!” Niffty giggled. “We can stab him together. It’s always fun stabbing with a friend…”

The duo ran off toward the hotel’s resident antediluvian.

Meanwhile, Loona was just looking around when KeeKee quickly jumped in front of her and hissed.

Loona chuckled. “Two can play that game.” She growled, making KeeKee flinch a little.

“Go Loony!” Blitzø cheered. “Establish dominance!”

(None of them noticed Alastor keeping his distance from Loona, not wanting anyone to be aware of his strong dislike of dogs. Dying because dogs alerted a game hunter to his presence in the woods would do that to you.)

Loona and Keekee’s eyes narrowed, gearing up for an epic brawl, but Charlie rushed in and grabbed KeeKee before things got violent.

“I’m so sorry,” she said. “She doesn’t really get along with Hellhounds.”

“So she’s racist!?” Blitzø yelled. “Even the upper-class pets look down on people like us!”

Charlie frantically shook her head. “That’s not—” She paused and thought about it for a few seconds. “Hmm, maybe she is. “Apologize, KeeKee.”

KeeKee shut her eye and shook her head.

“It starts with sorry, KeeKee…” Charle put on that irresistible puppy eye face.

KeeKee meowed apologetically. Satisfied, Charlie set her down and let her scamper away.

“Huh, I guess you’re not as bad as some other privileged royals,” Blitzø admitted. He then reached into his jacket pocket and whips out a horse doll. “Here ya go. This is the greatest gift I can give.”

(It’s actually one of the horse dolls he likes the least, but Charlie didn’t need to know that.)

“It’s a horse.”

“Yup!” 

Charlie shrugged. “Thank you very much!”

Lucifer decided to do an impromptu musical performance with his magictastical backflipping rubber duck (that spits fire).

♪ Rubber duckie, you’re the one 

You make bath time lots of fun

Rubber duckie, I’m awfully fond of you ♪

“I still can’t believe Silly Duck Man over there is literally the Devil,” said Cherri, who currently stood alongside Beelzebub and Satan (in his rarely seen smaller form).

Satan grumbled. “He’s the most powerful being in Hell yet also the goofiest. He wastes his talent on such silly songs. It’s quite the dichotomy.”

“Hey, you know damn well Luci’s one of the best musicians around,” Bee remarked. “Too bad Johnny the fiddler beat him that one time and he never got over it.”

Cherri did a spit take _ Beelzejuice. “You’re tellin’ me that ‘The Devil Came Down to Georgia’ is fuckin’ real!?”

Satan nodded. “It was a crushing defeat for the forces of Hell. I would’ve fared much better, of course.”

Bee scoffs while giving Cherri a fresh glass of juice. _ took a massive swig in order to process that revelation. tastes like rich mead

“At least he’s finally coming out of his depression,” Bee said. “I missed drinking in all that silliness!”

Charlie suddenly rushed over with Vaggie in tow. “Uncle Satan, here’s my girlfriend!” :D

Vaggie panicked once she realized what was about to happen. “Wait, I’m not ready—”

Alas, she could not escape the tightest spine-crunching hug yet.

“You better treat this girl right.” Satan declared before letting go.

It took several seconds for Vaggie to catch her breath. “Yes, sir.”

“Easy, Satan.” Yogirt flew over. “Remember what we talked about this morning. We want positive padparadscha-tinted vibes in your mind temple.”

Satan took a deep breath. “You’re right, you’re right, I’m sorry.”

Yogirt then turned toward Vaggie. “I don’t believe we caught your name.”

“I’m—” 

“Maggie, right?” Cherri jokingly asked, earning a glare from the former Exorcist.

“I’m Vaggie… which is a name I’ve been stuck with ever since he abused his divinely-given ability to name all things.” 

Adam did a double take once he realized Vaggie was pointing at him.

“Hey, I did you a favor!” he insisted. “The fuck kind of name is ‘Vagatha’ anyway? You parents were high on some shit. Literal shit from a sewer!”

“¡Pendejo!”

Vaggie sighed. One day she’d figure out how to reclaim her birth name: Vagatha María Palomilla. One day…

Wait a minute… there’s something different about Adam compared to this morning…

“Where’d you get all those fresh stab wounds?” Vaggie questioned.

Adam mumbled and pointed over to Niffty and Millie, both sporting bloody knives.

Charlie groaned. “Niffty! I told you I didn’t want any stabbing at my party.”

Niffty frowned. “But there’s never a bad time to punish bad boys…”

Vaggie just facepalmed.

Chapter Text

As expected, Husk was in charge of distributing Beelzejuice for the party, and more importantly was also deliberately not distributing it under specific circumstances.

“Yeah, that’s good,” Blitzø said after downing his third glass. “Keep ‘em coming!”

“Sorry, can’t give you any more,” Husk replied. “Queen’s orders.”

“Oh, this is some premium bullshit!” Blitzø yelled.

Moxxie rushed over and grabbed his boss’ arm. “This is the princess’ party, sir. Can you please try to behave for once?”

“Shut up, Mox, or I’ll dock your pay.”

Moxxie simply rolled his eyes. “You barely pay me enough as is. I think I’ll manage.”

The two Imps walked away after that.

“That was uncomfortable to witness,” said Husk once he was sure they were out of earshot.

“Definitely,” Angel Dust says with a nod. “They’re an assassin business or somethin’, I dunno. I saw their commercial a couple of times at the studio. Travis went to ‘em once when they had a discount.”

“If they’re smart, they’ll keep their mouth shut about that,” Husk remarked. “The last thing Charlie wants is Hell’s overpopulation getting worse.”

He went over and grabbed the empty glass in front of Belphegor, who was sleeping with a pillow on the bar counter

“Man,” Angel said, “if I was still doin’ serious drugs I’d be beggin’ her for the good stuff you can’t get up in Pride.”

It was just then that Belphegor suddenly jolted awake. “Is someone talking about me…?”

But before anyone could respond, she fell right back asleep. In fact, this is Belphegor’s 100,000,000,000,006,660,000,000,000,001st nap so far this year.

“Yeah, Belle’s like that. I can’t remember the last time I saw her awake for more than an hour.”

It took Angel several seconds to register that it was Asmodeus who had spoken to him.

Asmodeus. The King of Lust. Speaking. To him.

“Hey…” Angel waved, while internally swearing at himself for such an awkward first impression.

Just then, Fizzarolli sprung over.

“It’s alright, man,” he said. Ozzie doesn’t bite.” 

“Uh huh, sure,” said Husk. “And that hickey’s just a birthmark.”

Fizz blushed and tried to cover his neck. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

“You know what?” said Angel. “Good on you for telling your shitty boss where to shove it. Just be glad he didn’t literally own you. I’m stuck shackled to Val.”

“Valentino?” Ozzie questioned. “Fucking hate that guy. His films take all the passion out of sex. Plus I heard he has a customized RoboFizz. Eugh…”

“Oh yeah, Kitty.” Angel took a gulp of liquor. “But at the end of the day, I guess I ain’t that different from a sexbot. Just stuck in a never-ending cycle of sexual exploitation…” Angel paused for a few seconds, and realizing this might be his one opportunity to free himself from his contract, he might as well shoot his shot. “And then one time Charlie followed me to the studio to try and negotiate but he licked Charlie’s arm and said she should work for him.”

Needless to say, this had the intended effect. Instantly, Ozzie was covered with blue flames of fury. “WHAT!?” he yelled.

Just then, Lucifer materialized out of nowhere in full demon form. “Hey there, I couldn’t help but overhear what you just said. Tell me all the details.” 

Meanwhile, on the other side of the hotel, Mammon shoved a big package toward Charlie.

“Here’s yer gift, ya little scamp. It’s my newest product!”

Charlie unwrapped the tacky Mammon-branded wrapping paper to see the life-size doll replica of dead Adam! It had a cartoonish X in place of each eye and a little faux dagger sticking out of his back. Not to mention the accompanying packet of fake golden blood.

“Wow, Uncle M…” Charlie said uneasily. “It sure is… realistic…”

“Damn right,” said Mammon, satisfied with himself. “By the way, that’ll be $39.99.”

“Wha— huh—” Charlie sputtered. “I shouldn’t have to pay for my birthday gift! That’s not how birthdays work!”

“No one gets anything from me for free!” Mammon yelled. “But ya are gettin’ a 90% family discount. That’s a limited one-time offer!”

“But you still owe me for adapting my song for Loo Loo Land, so let’s call it even.”

Mammon grumbled. “Alright, fine.” He couldn’t help but begrudgingly respect her business savviness. “Anyway, wait ‘til ya see my awesome replacement for those worthless Fizzies. Behold!”

With a blast of smoke and dollar signs, prototypes for his Glitz & Glam bots appeared.

“Aren’t they awesome? And of course ya gotta buy both!” He leaned down to be eye level with Charlie. “You’re gonna buy both once they’re for sale, right?”

“Um…”

But they were soon interrupted by Niffty, transfixed by the sight of her greatest achievement, immortalized forever.

“Ooh… pretty!” She smeared some of the fake blood all over the doll.

“Niffty!” Charlie exclaimed, happy to move the conversation in a new direction. “What did you get me for my birthday?”

“I sewed you a new dress!”

Niffty grabbed a bag and handed it to Charlie, who happily inspected the dress as she pulled it out of the bag, though there was something unfamiliar about it she couldn’t quite put her finger on.

“Niffty, what material did you use to make this?” she asked.

“Bugs!” Niffty responded. “They were bad boys but I repurposed them.”

Charlie sighed but still smiled. “Of course. I’ll wear it soon, Niffty.”

“Okay!” Niffty then tore off a little piece of Mammon’s jester cloak. “It’s another souvenir for my collection!” With that, she scurried away.

Mammon was quick to chase after her. “Oi! Give that back ya little cunt!”

“Never! Heeheeheeheehee!”

Charlie just facepalmed. (Again).

Chapter Text

Belphegor was still napping at the bar, so Leviathan decided to wake her up. 

“Wake up, Belle,” their left head said.

Some of Belphegor’s eyes opened but she otherwise didn’t move.

“Seriously, sleepyhead,” said the right head. “Get up and give Charlie her present already.”

Belle yawned for several seconds before standing up. “Okay.” She scanned the room and quickly found Charlie, who was with Vaggie.

“Hey Charmander,” the Queen of Sloth said as she approached. “Happy Birthday.” She handed Charlie a sealed envelope.

“Thanks, Auntie Belle!” Charlie opened the envelope and looked at what was inside. “Coupons?”

Belle nodded. “Mhm, for a free couple’s spa down in Sloth. Your girlfriend’s not a sinner, so… (yawn) I figured you two might as well stop by…”

Charlie gasped. “That’s an amazing idea! Right, Vaggie?”

“I guess so, Hon.” Vaggie wasn’t sure what to say. She’d never been to a spa before. 

But then Vaggie noticed Belphegor looking at her expectantly with all four arms reaching out. She sighed. “Alright, let’s just get the hug over with.”

Vaggie was expecting further spinal damage, but unlike all the previous Sin hugs, this one was soft and cuddly.

“Oh, this isn’t so bad.”

But the hug went on for longer than she would consider a normal amount of time.

“Hello? Your Majesty?”

*Zzzzzzzz…*

“Damn it, she’s asleep again. Can I have some help, Charlie?” Vaggie looked around for her girlfriend but Charlie had already disappeared.

This might take a while…

“Need assistance, Ángel?”

Or not. Luckily, Carmilla Carmine has come to the rescue.

“Yes, ma’am.” Vaggie replied.

Together, the two of them slowly walked Belphegor over to a nice, comfy couch.

“Yes, ma’am.”

At some point Frank the Egg Boi had arrived on the scene without anyone noticing. “Hey, it’s Camaro Carfight!”

Carmilla didn’t say anything but shot a quizzical look at the egg. Hadn’t she seen this creature once before?

Vaggie shrugged. “We don’t know why they are the way they are.”

Meanwhile, Charlie had approached Leviathan, who was still nearby. “And what did you two get me, Aunties?”

“I’m so glad you asked.” Levy’s left head said. She handed Charlie a plushie of a turquoise-colored humanoid with a disproportionately large head.

“Daww, it’s adorable!” Charlie cooed. “But what is it?”

“It's a representation of our latest avatar on Earth. The truest embodiment of Envy.”

“Enough about that,” said the right head as she gave Charlie a gift box. “My gift is clearly superior.”

“Then why’d you feel the need to wrap it? Mine’s so good it doesn’t need that.”

“Birthday gifts are supposed to be wrapped!”

Charlie paid no mind to the brewing envy fight and just appreciated having more gifts.

But Blitzø and Millie were watching the squabble from afar. Millie noticed he seemed to be pondering something.

“Whatcha thinking about?” she asked.

“I’m thinking I should turn you and Mox into marketable plushies,” the taller Imp replied.

“What? Blitzø, no.”

“Too late! You can’t stop me!”

Across the hotel, Moxxie was approached by one of the last people he would’ve expected.

“Oh, is this Moxxie?” Rosie punched his cheek. “Some of my residents mentioned you, darling!”

Moxxie was confused. “They did?” Why would anyone in Cannibal Town know him by name?

“Yep, a father and two children,” Rosie replied. “They said you tried to save them but the cops just blew them up. And then they woke up here in Hell!”

Ah, yes. That was the end of one of I.M.P.’s earliest missions. Moxxie tried to not let his face show the shame he felt inside.

“What’s important is that you tried,” said Charlie, who happened to overhear the conversation. She then paused as her mind caught up with what Rosie said. “Wait… what were you doing up on Earth?”

Oh crumbs, this was bad. Luckily Moxxie knew a sure-fire tactic to get out of any sticky situation.

“I HAVE TO GO OVER THERE!”

And then he immediately booked it over to his wife and coworkers.

“Phew, that was a close one—” 

“Great timing, Mox. Lemme tell you ‘bout my amazing new idea…”

“Hey everybody, get over here!” Bee announced. “It’s cake time!”

With a wave of her hand, a large three-tiered cake appeared on the big table. It was adorned with a little figurine of Charlie.

“Ohmigod, you got rainbow sprinkles!” Charlie exclaimed. “I didn’t know these existed in Hell!”

Bee smiled. “That’s the magic of gluttony, kid. Alright, everyone get ready to sing. 3, 2, 1, go!”

🎶 Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear Charlie

Happy birthday to you 🎶

“Are you one? Are you two? Are— nah, I’m just messing with y’all,” said Bee. “I’m not counting up that high.”

Charlie blew out the candles while Bee went to grab the knife to cut it. But the knife wasn’t there.

“Hey, where’s the knife?” she yelled, looking at the guests.

“I don’t know,” said Ozzie. “I thought the little gremliny one had all the knives.”

“No, I brought a special cake knife. It was just here!”

She got her answer with a tap on her shoulder from her boyfriend Tex.

“Over there.”

He pointed to the only two party attendees who hadn’t gathered by the cake table: Adam and Mammon. And there was the knife, right in Adam’s hand.

Mammon was standing right next to the dead Adam doll. “I betcha can’t hit yourself in between the eyes.”

Adam chuckled. “Please, this’ll be just like when I taught Cain and Aclima to hunt. Knife throwing is fuckin’ easy.”

He threw the knife……… which missed the doll completely and landed right in Mammon’s chest.

“My ribs!”

Adam gasped. “I hurt ribs!? What have I done!?” He started bawling uncontrollably.

Everybody just facepalmed.