Chapter Text
This, was beyond confusing for her. she didn’t know what was going on. one minute, she and Thomas were all over each other, they were both naked in bed together…then the next minute he’d stopped! For the life of her, she couldn’t understand why! he’d just admitted to wanting her nearly every day for several months! she wanted him, he wanted her. why was he stopping!?
He exhaled deeply. “I want you to know, it’s not you Kate. It’s me. I can’t.”
“I- I don’t understand.” she stared at him in confusion. “I said I was alright. I-I don’t have any expectations from you.”
“So, you’d just throw everything away on one night, eh?” he inquired.
she swallowed. “I wasn’t thinking of it that way.”
“Well I am.” he got out of the bed and drew the covers around her. “I’m leaving, otherwise I won’t be able to look myself in the face tomorrow.”
“But---
“Kate.” he inhaled as he declared. “I want you, believe me, if I could, I’d have taken your f**king virginity right now and I’d be taking you all f**king night. but I can’t do it.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.” he admitted. “This time, it is you.” she blinked. “Because I know, if I get in that bed and if I f**k you…it’ll be wrong.”
She inhaled, feeling hurt. “But…why is it wrong? Why would it be so wrong to be with me when I said it was alright?”
“I don’t know.” he exhaled and shook his head. “But I’m not gong to f**k you till I know why. alright? will you give me some time?”
she nodded. “I can, but,” she inhaled. “I’m not feeling very wanted right now. I don't understand and it hurts.”
“You’re wanted.” he assured her as he sat on the edge of the bed and cupped her face in his hand. “Believe me, it is f**king killing me to walk away from you. I don’t want to.” She inhaled sharply as she looked into his blue eyes. there was love, there was desire there, but there was also a desperation for her to understand him. “I want you Kate, I want to be in you, but I can’t. I can’t explain it any better than that.”
something, was bothering him and whatever it was, he didn’t even understand it. he’d assured her repeatedly that he wanted and judging from how hard he’d gotten, he wasn’t lying. While she wanted to fight, argue with him, she could see that this was something he needed. he’d given her time, space and let her get comfortable to this point. She needed to exhibit the same patience towards him while he figured this out.
She nodded. “Alright.” He exhaled. “I’ll give you some time, alright?” he kissed her so gently on the corner of her mouth that she couldn’t stop herself from asking. “Will, you at least stay with me?”
he exhaled and looked down at his erection, which caused her to blush. “I’ll be back, alright?”
she nodded. “Alright.”
he kissed her once more before walking out of the room. she exhaled as she pulled her undergarments off the floor and got back into them. as she thought about this situation, she couldn’t help but realize how comical it was that the positions were reversed. It was rare for the man to say that they wait, especially a man such as Thomas Shelby. he’d met her in a whorehouse and he’d clearly been willing to pay for her. now, he had her free…and he didn’t want her! well, he did want her, but neither of them knew why. she got into the left side of the bed and pulled the covers up around her shoulders and waited for him to come back.
He was gone for about five minutes and when he came back in, he was walking much easier than before. She said nothing as he got into the bed with her. he watched her carefully as he got under the covers and pulled her close to him. “Come here.” She inhaled sharply, causing him to ask for possibly the hundredth time tonight. “You alright?”
She nods as she turns onto her back so she can look at him. “Just, not used to being held.”
“Oh.” He ran his hand down her arm to take her hand. She exhaled as he massaged her fingers with his. “I’m sorry about this.”
She inhales and nods. “I know. I’m sorry too.”
He frowned. “What are you sorry for?”
“Don’t know. I just…know that I’m sorry.”
“Don’t.” he said firmly. “My issue, not yours.”
She hesitated before asking him. “Is it….because I’m still a virgin?”
he exhaled deeply before confessing. “I think so. At least, that’s part of it. I’ve had virgins before. Normally, that’s not a big deal. ”
She rolls her eyes and exhales. “Not what I want to hear right now, Thomas.”
He studies her. “You know, you’re not the first.”
“I’m probably not even the twentieth.” She said firmly. “I know, I understand that there’ve been others before me, but…that doesn’t mean I want to hear things like that when you’re holding me.”
“Sorry.” He pressed a kiss to her cheek and she exhaled. There’s a moment of silence between them. he exhaled deeply and shook his head. “You.” she went still, hearing the affection in his voice. “Something about you…I don’t know what it is. I just know, somehow, if I have you…I’m going to wind up hurting you and I don’t want to do that.”
she looked up at him. “How could you hurt me?”
“Don’t know.” He exhaled. “I don’t know what this is. Don’t know why I won’t when I want to and I want to.”
she licked her lips and asked. “Maybe, it’s too soon? I mean, we did just admit that we have feelings for each other.”
he nods. “Yeah.” He glances at her. “I’m going to London tomorrow.”
She blinked in amazement. “I didn’t realize that you had a trip.”
“Business. Got the call before we left tonight.”
“Oh,” she exhaled. “how long will you be gone?”
he exhaled reluctantly. “Till Thursday.”
She went still as she realized. “Today’s Saturday.”
He nods. “I know, wish I didn’t have to leave you.” he ran his hand up and down her arm. “I’ll bring you back something from London, alright?”
She shakes her head at him. “You come back in one piece, that’s all I want.”
He runs his hand down her throat. “That’s why I love you. You don’t care for things.” She blinked in surprise, her heart flipping in her stomach. He noticed, for he asked. “What?”
“You,” she inhaled. “you just said that you loved me…for the first time.”
he frowned. “Did I?” she nods. “Thought I said it in the library to you. My mistake. Been a while for me and I didn’t say it much back then.”
She studies him before stating. “That’s why you buy things. Is that your way of showing love?”
He nods sheepishly. “Yeah. You, however, don’t like gifts.”
“I do, but, words mean so much more to me.” She said gently. “You’ll have to work on that, Thomas. I should like to hear that you love me once in a while.”
He exhales. “I’ll know.”
She smiles as she runs her finger down his nose. “I know, words are hard, emotions, that’s probably why we yell at each other half the time.”
“Stop that.” He said, trying to avoid her running her finger repeatedly down his nose.
“Make me.” She smirks at him.
he shakes his head. “One day, I will, but not tonight.”
She lets out a sigh and she reluctantly asked. “What time are you leaving tomorrow?”
“Early. I’ll try not to wake you.”
“I won’t mind if you do.”
He nods as he says. “I would.” He kissed her. “Get some rest. Ok.”
She nodded. “Alright.” She closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.
When she awoke the next morning, she was alone. however, there was a little note for her on the little side table. she smiled as she opened it.
Gone to London. I’ll be back as soon as I can on Thursday.
Love, Thomas.
She shook her head. oh well, writing it still counted as saying it. she had no doubt that he’d probably debated heavily on if he should or should not write it. her thoughts were confirmed, when she found four crumpled up notes in his trash bin, all with different endings. Today was Sunday. How was she supposed to survive nearly 4 days without seeing him?
After that, everything was different.
The staff, especially Clarissa eyed her differently. It was clear that Clarissa had told everyone that Thomas had pushed her into the library and ‘had his way with her’ or, that’s at least what Clarissa would have assumed, judging by how loud Kate had been. Some people made it clear, without saying it directly, that she had no business sleeping with the master of the house. Kate knew they were right. he was still her employer and not only that, he had a large fortune while Kate, was penniless and completely dependent on him. they, clearly saw her as a gold digger, but Kate wasn’t interested in Thomas’s fortune and fortunately, he knew that.
Others said nothing, for fear of her relaying her anything back to Thomas. Chef and Clarissa, were the only two who were genuinely happy for her. Chef, had pointed out that Thomas had been alone, depressed until she showed up and things had changed. He said that he’d known there was something between them the moment that Thomas had burst into the kitchen and seen Kate comforting Charlie. For Clarissa, it had been when Kate had agreed to help him host the party. she’d seen something when they were dancing together that Kate hadn’t fully been aware of at the time. now she was. Kate hadn't talked to Rosemary because Thomas hadn't talked to Charlie yet. Perhaps, they'd tell them both together.
However, Tuesday, brought a change that she wasn’t expecting.
She opened the door to see a woman in her late 40’s standing there with two suitcases in hand. “Hello.” The woman walked in with her suitcases and a smile on her face. “You must be Miss Carter.”
“Yes,” Kate said hesitantly. “who are you?”
“I’m Frances.” Frances said with a smile on her face. “Mr. Shelby’s new housekeeper.”
She stared and stammered. “I-I beg your pardon?”
Frances handed her an envelope. “He sent this for you. Said it’d explain.”
Kate,
Need you to train Frances up to run the house. I’ll see you on Thursday.
Love, Thomas.
Now, she was officially confused. What had just happened? Was she being let go? If so, what had she done? Just what was going on inside this man’s head?