Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Yi Taehyun is many things: a rapper, dancer, idol, but most importantly, Yi Taehyun is a coward and a fool. He’s known for a long time that he was different from other boys. Realizing early on that his attraction to men and consequently lack of attraction towards women, wasn’t the norm. From what he knew, it was wrong to feel like this, and so he kept it locked away in a tight box, hidden deep within himself. 

Whenever he finds himself yearning for a relationship, he immediately separates himself from whichever victim his greedy heart has grown attached to. Putting an end to many of his close friendships throughout the years over his fear of being found out. Having to force himself not to respond to the hundreds of text messages asking what they had done wrong, and why the normally cheerful boy was suddenly so cold towards them. 

Taehyun hadn’t always been like this though. But he himself cannot remember the calm before the storm. Everytime he tries to think back to the carefree life he lived as a child, his brain stops dead in its tracks for one night in particular. The guilt still eats him to this day, he remembers one of his final days in middle school. A small boy with neatly cut hair, boxy glasses, and a personality far larger than himself. A boy that Taehyun found himself completely enamored with, spending any and all of his free time by the boy’s side. 

He remembers quiet nights spent in his bedroom, whispers exchanged as they tried in vain to stay as quiet as possible as to not wake Taehyun’s parents. But then he remembers the abrupt end to their friendship, the final night. The boys huddled in Taehyun’s living room, watching some random drama his friend had found on Netflix. His friend’s head resting on his lap, quiet huffs leaving the boy’s mouth as Taehyun had finally realized he had fallen asleep. 

Fingers carded through dark hair, stealing glances down at the small boy that had wiggled his way into Taehyun’s every thought. He had almost fallen asleep himself before his father made his presence known. Taehyun had never seen the man more angry, at this age, he had never even heard half of the words his father had thrown at them, blissfully unaware of just how bad it was to even feel the way he did. 

The startled look on his friend’s face as he was woken up and kicked from the house still lingers in his mind, even seven years later. He remembers his father going to the school the next morning, demanding Taehyun’s classes be changed so he was no longer tempted by unholy thoughts. He remembers the words, so deeply engraved into his brain that he now rethinks his every move. 

A gummy smile fills his mind, one that he can still picture to this day, one that he finds himself scavenging the internet to see. The boy had also grown up to be an idol, and Taehyun can still feel the gaze hitting the back of his head whenever he performs at Music Bank. What started out as awkward conversations, slowly changed into the two men meeting outside of schedules. Hangouts as old friends quickly turned into hooking up, which had only lasted a few months before Taehyun’s brain caught up with his actions. It took him a while, but he got over it. No longer did his mind sour at the thought of the man, it was like he was back to normal. No more unholy thoughts plaguing his mind.  

Except he wasn’t. Not even close. 

He doesn’t know how he misses it, a seed implanting itself deep inside his heart. Growing at a rapid rate, catching him off guard when he finally does realize. He doesn’t recall the exact moment his feelings for the older male shifted, never having the time to sit and truly organize his feelings. His mind having to keep track of too many things at once for it to keep up with the pulling of his heart.

It starts from small gestures, the way Hankook immediately took his position as leader, taking care of everyone as if it were the easiest thing he could do. The boy lived and breathed to love with everything he had. From there his heart only grew more fond as the older boy quickly pushed his way through Taehyun’s walls. Doting on him, keeping his hands on him at all times, making sure he ate, keeping him company as he writes. Making it well and truly known that he had already picked a favorite out of the members. 

Taehyun tries to fight it, pushing the older boy away, trying to keep him at an arm’s length at all times. But every night he goes to bed he thinks, and yearns for Hankook. Yearns to admit to himself, to tell Hankook, the other members even. But he can’t. What stumps him most is he’s not able to avoid him. Not able to avoid his feelings. He can’t just stop speaking to Hankook, he can’t just put his job on the line, only two years into his career, because he decided he liked a boy. 

So he stays silent, Taehyun pretends as if he didn’t just realize something that would jeopardize everything he had spent years building up to. Yi Taehyun is twenty years old when, for the first time in his life, he’s hit with a situation he cannot just dodge his way out of. A situation that only seems to grow bigger and worse as the weeks pan by. 

Of course Taehyun had heard the rumors during his trainee days, idols going on hiatus due to “health complications” caused by a strange disease he had only heard of a handful of times before stepping into this company building. He had chalked it up to it just being a company scare tactic, managers just trying to keep their idols out of dating rumors. But staring down at the notebook on his desk, now littered with small petals he has realized just how wrong he had been. How foolish and young he was. 

The floral scent that lingered now made sense. The way he thought the taste was just an illusion in his mind slowly becoming a more real possibility. He stares blankly, eyes scanning the assortment of reds and black, trying to decipher what exactly it was that he’s staring at. 

Petunias, his mind supplies. A symbol of passionate love, sometimes even death. His breath stutters in his chest. 

His mother had always gifted him flowers on his birthday, delicate bouquets of beautiful flowers, always hand picked by her. He laughs at the twisted absurdity of the situation he’s struck with. His hand traces the petals gently, finally finding the courage to pick up the small black petal. Taehyun raised it to eye level, sizing up what was soon to be fully matured. He feels nausea flow through him, his stomach churning uncomfortably, only getting worse as he stares at the petal between his fingers. He curses lightly before scrambling to throw all traces into the bin underneath his desk.

His mind is reeling, scrambling to think of any logical way to get out of this. But all he can think is that he can’t let anyone know. 

Chapter Text

It almost gets harder for Taehyun to organize his thoughts as the weeks trudge by, the heavy weight accumulating in his lungs making the time stretch out until he can lay back in his bed to sleep even more. He feels tired more easily these days, losing his breath so often that it’s began to hinder his performances. He’s been scolded more times in the past few weeks than he ever has in two years, and honestly it’s starting to get humiliating. 

After scavenging the internet he finds a post, claiming that tobacco eases the pain, given he probably shouldn’t listen considering he found the thread on Reddit. But he chooses to ignore the red flags blaring in his mind, buying himself a pack just a week later, thinking that there’s nothing better than to give it a shot. Not like his lungs were in peak condition anyways. What’ll it do? Kill him?

He humorlessly laughs at the thought, flicking his lighter a few times before bringing it to the cigarette placed between his lips. He coughs at the first few drags, he always does, the burning pain of smoke entering his lungs always catching him off guard. He’s hiding away from the view of any street cameras, crouched down on the grass behind the dorm building. Every few minutes he glances up at the stars, tracing out every star in the sky. He always sees the same ones, able to pick out fun shapes as he finishes off the cigarette between his fingers. 

His whole body feels as if it’s on fire, his lungs feeling like they’ve been squeezed in a vice grip as a rough cough escapes past his lips. He struggles to get a good breath in, the air getting stuck in his throat before sputtering helplessly out of his mouth. He nearly falls, hardly catching himself with one hand, the other pressing on his chest. 

Vibrant red petals greet him when he finally manages to peel his eyes back open, bigger than they once were, almost choking him on their way out. His eyes scan the pile as he notices more black petals than usual before he scoffs, stubbing out the cigarette against the dirt below him. He flicks his tongue across his teeth, standing from his crouched position slowly as he decides to finally try and get some rest tonight. 

As he makes his way back into the dorm he’s immediately met with a dizzying realization that none of the other members are having to deal with this. None of them even know what he’s going through. Their laughs reverberate through his skull, making his head pound more viciously. Taehyun slinks his way through the apartment with ease before crashing into his bed, shoving his face into his pillows. Every move sends him through a hurricane of pain, he presses his palms to his eyes as he lets the silence of the desolate room engulf him. 

His peace doesn’t last long though, as he hears the door to the shared room open, soft footsteps he recognizes at Havit’s making their way over to his bed. Taehyun feels the bed dip next to him, then fingers combing their way through his hair, removing any tangles they come across. “You’ve been out all day, we’ve been waiting for you. Where have you been?” The soft voice of the oldest rang around the room, only adding to the many things ringing through his head. Taehyun’s response is muffled, quiet as he hisses at a particularly harsh knot catching on Havit’s fingers. 

“Studio. Dance.” He murmurs, listening to the hum of the older boy, “On our day off? Tae, you shouldn’t be pushing yourself too hard, not with how you’ve been feeling lately.” Taehyun groans at the comment, striking a nerve just right enough to piss him off. His fingers twitch in annoyance as he sits up, letting the room blind him once again. 

“Well I can’t just keep fucking up during practice, hyung. It’s not like I can just let myself fall behind with us having a comeback soon.” Havit’s face scrunches up slightly, his eyebrows disappearing under his hair, “Wow, you’re definitely in a mood today,” Taehyun sighed, rubbing at his face in annoyance. “Yeah, yeah- Sorry, just… Got a lot on my mind lately.”

“I can tell, tell me about it. Clearly keeping it to yourself is just making you all pissy.”

Taehyun glared at the older, rolling his shoulders back as he set the older with a blank look. “If you’re gonna be a dick about it, no. I won’t. Let me go to bed.” Havit sighs, his face softening as he reaches to fix the younger’s bangs. “Taehyun-ah. You’ve got us all worried. All you do is sleep or work, when was the last time you sat to eat dinner with us?” 

The blonde goes quiet, pretending like he doesn’t remember the exact day he started feeling sick. He shrugs indignantly, “Fuck, I don’t know, hyung. Few weeks at least. It’s not like I’m not eating, I am- I just… Haven’t really had the time to spend with you guys,” Apart from the labored breaths leaving Taehyun, the room is silent, Havit’s eyes scanning the boy’s face, taking in every nervous twitch. 

“You’re hiding something. “ Taehyun’s breath stutters as he freezes, shooting his gaze away from the other’s face, “What are you even talking about? I’m just tired, I work every day, hyung.”

“I don’t believe you, you think I don’t notice how you’ve distanced yourself from all of us? How you’re suddenly the quietest person in the room, when you’re usually the loudest? Taehyun- you can talk to us, hell you could just talk to me, whatever it is.”

Taehyun is stunned into silence, he hadn’t even realized how obvious he had been. His mouth opens, then shuts quickly, unsure of how to respond. “On top of how you’re acting, you smell like cigarettes. Were you smoking before you got home?” 

“N-No? Why would I be smoking? Do you think I’m stupid, hyung?” 

“Taehyun, do not play dumb with me. I’m not trying to start a fight with you.”  Havit looks agitated, and Taehyun knows not to push the oldest’s buttons. He knows that would just end in a fight, one probably loud enough to alert the rest of the members. He swallows harshly, the pitiful amount of saliva doing almost nothing to help his dry throat. 

“I… Hyung- I’ve just been… Thinking a lot lately. A-And I just need a way… To calm myself down. It’s nothing I don’t have under control, I’m not addicted to it. I just… Need it right now.” He feels like a child being scolded, and honestly, he might as well be right now. 

“What have you been thinking about, Tae? Let me help you, we can’t stand seeing you like-”

“You have to promise you won’t tell anyone.” He cuts the older off, and while he should feel bad for it, he doesn’t. If Havit is offering to talk to him, it’ll be under his conditions, he has to know no one else will be told. “That includes Donghyun-hyung. You have to promise me.” 

Havit eyes him, his gaze flickering around Taehyun’s face before he sighs, “I promise.”

Taehyun bites at his already destroyed lip, tearing away at the cracked skin. “I’m gay.” Silence follows for a moment before his head dips down, pressing his palms to his eyelids, “I’ve known for a long time but- I’ve always… I guess, been ashamed of it.” 

Havit hums softly, running his fingers through the boy’s hair once again, “But that’s not the only thing, is it?” Taehyun shakes his head softly, “Talk to me, Tae. What else is going on in that brain of yours?”

“I-I… Hyung- I think I love him…” His voice is thick as he holds a cough in, rubbing at his eyes as tears try to make their way out. Havit sighs softly, and though he doesn’t want to admit it, he knows exactly how the younger boy feels. He scratches gently at Taehyun’s scalp, just trying to ground the younger. “Who?”

Taehyun shakes his head, letting silence pass over the room for a few minutes. Right as he goes to speak though, the bedroom door opens once again, only for Havit to send the intruder out of the room. “Give us a few minutes, Yechannie,” a concerned hum is heard before the oldest stands, shooing the youngest member out, “Go get yourself something to eat, I’ll send you money.”

Havit settles back across from Taehyun after locking the door, “Tae, I’m not going to judge you, I just need you to open up.” The younger boy deflates, knowing he has no choice but to tell Havit who has been plaguing his mind for months now, his fingers shake and he wrings his hands out nervously. 

“H-Hankook-hyung…” It’s quiet, almost missed in the otherwise silent room. Havit lets out a shocked laugh, “Oh my God, like actually? Tae, you have nothing to worry about! Have you seen how he looks at you? Just tell him.” Another shake of his head, “C-Can’t. He doesn’t like me back- There’s no way he does…” His eyes trail to the door, where he can hear the leader playing video games through the wall. 

Havit’s head tilts in confusion, his eyebrows knitting together, “You’re talking like you know he doesn’t. You can’t possibly know.” Taehyun groans in annoyance, clearing his throat from the mucus building up, “But I do, I’m living proof he doesn’t. I mean just look at me the past few weeks, my sudden illness, come on hyung, don’t make me spell it out for you…” 

Havit’s gaze hardens on the younger boy, “You don’t mean…” His heart speeds up in his chest as panic rises through him, “That’s all the more reason to tell him, Hyun- Do you understand just how bad this can be for you?” He stresses, grabbing a hold of Taehyun’s hands, “This isn’t something you can just will away, it will never go away. You either tell him, or you die.” 

Taehyun shudders at the words, gripping tightly at the older’s hands in a desperate attempt to ground himself. His thoughts dance around his head in a panic, “I-I can’t. He can’t know, I’ll lose him. And then I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.” Havit knows how delicate the situation is, but he also cannot stress enough just how important telling Hankook is. He sees Taehyun’s shoulder tense before a sob reverberates around the room, hiccups following after. He watches helplessly as the other curls into himself, choking on his own breath. 

Taehyun feels himself growing delirious, “I-I shouldn’t feel like this… Why him? Why couldn’t it be anyone else? I wouldn’t care so much- B-But it's him, I-I can’t-'' Havit feels close to crying himself, remembering back when he was Taehyun’s age, so careless and worry free. He couldn’t imagine the pain and confusion the younger boy must be dealing with all on his own. 

“Hyunnie, we have to do something about this. What about getting it removed?”

“I don’t want to forget my memories with him… I-If I forget about him… And forget everything he’s done for me… I-I’ll have nothing. Hyung- I can’t.” Taehyun, always so stubborn, even in the face of death he refuses. The younger pulls away, feeling his heart hammer in his chest, “I-I’d rather die than forget him…” 

It was whispered, but the painful sentence still bounced around Havit’s head, unbelieving of what he just heard, “You can’t- You can’t just say shit like that!” Taehyun smiled sadly at him, wiping the remaining tears from his face, “I mean it though…”

“Can’t you just tell him then?” The smile disappeared from his lips, shuddering at the loud laugh coming from the other room, “I can’t… You’re the only person who knows… Any of this. My parents think I grew out of it and… I just can’t- let it get out. If my dad found out…” He trails off for a moment, “I think he’d kill me…” 

The conversation dies there, neither boy knowing how to continue it without causing a fight. Havit’s once good mood is now soured by the knowledge he solely gathered. 

“Thanks for… Letting me talk about this. I should uh… Probably sleep soon.”

“Do you wanna sleep in my bed tonight?” 

Taehyun bites his lips nervously, “I don’t know… If it’s a good idea for me to be near him right now, hyung…” Taehyun doesn’t know how his body would react, every time he’s been near Hankook lately he feels his chest constrict painfully. 

“Alright… Then I’ll stay in here with you, let me go change.” And then he’s gone, leaving Taehyun alone in the dark room. He’s quiet as he slowly lays down, curling into himself. He pretends he’s sleeping when Havit enters the room again, the oldest immediately crawling in bed behind Taehyun. Everything’s still for what feels like forever before the boy turns over, throwing himself into Havit’s chest. The older boy sighs softly, petting the back of his head as he listens to Taehyun’s labored breathing slowly even out. 

Chapter Text

While it takes the others a while to notice, they are quick to see how Taehyun suddenly clings to Havit. Wherever you see the oldest, there comes Taehyun only two steps away, always hiding behind him. There’s never a moment that Taehyun is alone now, even when he’s just writing, he’s found curled up next to Havit with his notebook in his lap. 

The boys start to get suspicious of how close the two suddenly were, starting to keep an eye on them. They were confused, Taehyun was never like this with anyone, usually keeping more of a comfortable distance, going as far as to push people off him when they got too close. What’s even more out of character is Havit allowing the younger boy to cling to him the way he is. 

“Do you think they’re…?” Donghyun doesn’t really know how to feel about this situation, since the night Yechan caught the two he hasn’t been able to catch Havit by himself to ask, what he thinks, his very needed questions. He sees Eunil shake his head, tossing a dismissive hand out. 

“There’s no way they’re dating. Taehyun’s not gay and Havit-hyung has a type, and not to be mean, Taehyun is not it.” Eunil snickers softly, leaning against the wall of the practice room. A faint smile played at Donghyun’s lips, shaking his head at the younger boy’s antics, “Oh, so you know a lot about hyung’s type, huh? Do tell.” 

Eunil’s eyes widened at the implication, shoving gently at Donghyun’s shoulder, “Not like that, I just remember his last like… Three boyfriends. They had a lot in common, you know? And again, not to be mean but Hyunnie is… Very boney.” 

“Huh, you’re right. I never picked up on that, speaking of… Has he seemed somehow… Smaller recently?” Eunil stops and thinks for a moment, gnawing at his lip in thought, “You know, now that you mention it, yeah. He does seem a bit skinnier. He hasn’t been eating dinner with us lately, maybe that has something to do with it. Probably just living off chips and snacks again.”

“That kid, I swear- Choonghyun is gonna have grey hair because of him.” The two laugh until they hear Hankook yell for them to group up and get back to practicing. They don’t fail to notice the way Taehyun slowly slinks himself off the ground, stumbling slightly on his footing before making it to the center of the room. 

They share a look before finding their places as well, a sort of uncomfortable silence spreads across the room until the music starts. They make it through a few songs before Taehyun’s leaned over coughing, Havit immediately stepping over the younger to shield him from the prying eyes of the other members. 

Taehyun gags lightly before he shoots back up, running out of the room. Donghyun goes to chase after him only for Havit to grab him, stopping him in his tracks. “Give him space.” The younger boy whips around, eyeing him suspiciously, “Hyung, what? He’s getting sick?” 

“I know. I’ve been known. Leave it be.” Havit’s voice leaves no room for argument, “You have to be easy on him right now. He’s working through some stuff, okay?” Donghyun looks around the room, seeing everyone staring at them, “You guys?” 

“If hyung says to leave it… I guess we have to, right?” Yechan’s shuffling uncomfortably, clearly wanting to go check on the older boy. The silence spreads slowly, Havit eyeing the door until it finally creaks back open. Taehyun slowly makes his way to the oldest, whispering something to him before grabbing his stuff from the corner of the room. 

“I’m going home, I’ll stay late tomorrow.” His voice is shot, he coughs quietly into his hand before slinking his way out of the room, leaving the boys confused. 

“He’s never left practice early… Hyung, what exactly is going on?” 

Havit gnaws at his lip, looking between the door and the rest of the members, “Look- guys, I can’t tell you. But just… Be patient with him.” Hankook scoffs lightly, “Hyung, not to be disrespectful or anything, but clearly this isn’t him just being sick. He’s avoiding everyone, he’s not eating enough, and he’s lost weight again . He’s already thin enough as it is.”

“Hankook, I know you’re trying to help, but I promised him I wouldn’t say anything. It’s his business, and if he wants to tell you guys he will. He didn’t even want me to know, I found out on my own. Maybe if you pay a little more attention, you’ll realize what it is too.” Havit turns, leaving the room silently. He’s already said too much, he should’ve kept his mouth shut. But something about Hankook worrying just pushed his buttons just a bit too far.

Havit shakes his head, making his way around the company building until he caught up to the younger boy, “Hyun-” Taehyun shook his head, “Save it, I’m not getting the surgery, hyung.” 

“Taehyunnie, I… Please just think about it a little bit?” He stops the boy with a hand on his shoulder, turning to face him, “Please? Hyunnie, it won’t be long before they notice what’s going on. You can’t hide something like this forever.” Taehyun stares at the older, eyes shifting between Havit’s own, “Even if you can continue to hide it, they’ll find out when you die on the floor of our dorms Taehyun.”

The younger bites his tongue at the choice of words, his gaze hardening towards Havit, “God- I never should’ve told you anything, we’ve had this same conversation almost fucking daily, hyung. I’m not getting the surgery,I'm not coming out to the group, I’m not telling him, I’m just gonna let this stupid cough go away on it’s own. If I ignore him long enough, it’ll be fine. It won’t kill me, it’s just an annoyance I have to get used to for the time being.”

“Taehyun, it doesn’t go away! I told you this once, but maybe this time it'll actually get through your thick fucking skull. It doesn't go away, I wish it did, but it doesn’t. It will kill you. It doesn’t just leave, because no matter how much you try to trick your mind into thinking you don’t love him, it’ll never be true. Your heart will always know better than you.” 

“And how exactly do you know this, hyung? Everyone you’ve ever wanted just falls down at your feet the second you ask them. We aren’t all lucky enough to be you.” Taehyun is getting sick of having the same conversation every time he gets worse, he’s so sick of having to explain himself to the older boy. He’ll just never get it. He'll never understand the feeling of his lungs being ripped apart in his own body.

“I know because you’re not the first person I’ve seen go through this! Taehyun, I lost my best friend! I watched her, for months, try and get better. I watched her final days, and when she finally decided to have the surgery, it was too late. I watched my best friend die in a hospital bed, alone. She begged the doctors to try anyways, she screamed and cried and all I could do was sit and watch it happen.” He’s having to blink tears out his eyes before they fall down his cheeks, “I'm not going to just sit here while it happens again. Taehyun- I’ve already lost someone so close to me, please don’t make me watch this happen. Not to you.”

The younger boy is silent for a moment before he rips away from him, “I’ll… Think about it. Something. I don’t know if I’ll do it but- I’ll look into other options. Hyung- I can’t forget him, he’ll know if I forget him.” 

“Why don’t you take it one step at a time? Just… Maybe come out to the boys first? See how that goes, maybe it’ll… I don’t know, cause a chain reaction.” Taehyun scoffs lightly, running a hand through his dead hair, “What chain reaction? Hankook-hyung isn’t gay, it doesn’t make sense. He would’ve come out when you did if he was.”

“You didn’t.” 

Once again silence fills the hallway as Taehyun glares at his hyung, “You know why I didn’t. Don’t throw that back at me, don't make me feel guilty about this.” 

“Have you seen the way he looks at you, Taehyun? He looks at you like you’ve hung the stars, even if he doesn’t feel the same way… It could… Still bring you some form of closure.” Taehyun feels a burning sensation in his chest before he clears his throat lightly, “Hyung I…” He pauses, shutting his eyes gently for a moment as he breathes heavily, “I’ll think about it. Give me just a little more time, I just- I can’t do it yet.” 

“You’re already coughing up full flowers Taehyun, there isn’t much more time to sit and think about this. You could die any day now. I’ve given you almost a month, sort your shit out or I will.” 

“You wouldn’t out me to them. You promised. ” 

“Yeah, before i realized you'd let yourself die to save some fucking face.” 

Taehyun sends a final glare, “Whatever, do what you think is best I guess, Havit. Just don't expect it to turn out all sunshine and rainbows when this ruins everything we've worked so hard for.” He sees the rest of the boys walking down the hallway before he briskly turns around, stomping his way out of the building to start his walk home.

His entire walk home is filled with dread, the silence consuming his every thought. His mind reels back to before everything went to shit, before he coughed up the flowers, before he had to worry about whether or not he was going to live to see the next day. He remembers the happy walks home from practice, always having to push Hankook off him, because the boy was just so keen on doting on him whenever he was in the same vicinity. 

He stops in front of the apartments, eyes climbing up the walls before he finally turns to make a detour to the back of the building. It’s been days since he’s had time to have a smoke, maybe even a week, Taehyun surely doesn’t know anymore. His back hits the brick behind him before he fishes into the smallest pocket of his bag, pulling out a cigarette and his lighter. He flicks the spark wheel a few times, before placing the cigarette between his lips and lighting it. 

He stares blankly ahead of him as smoke fills his lungs, holding back the lurch of his lungs. He exhales with a shaky breath, letting his hand fall to his side. He plays with the idea of telling the other members, flipping through every reaction he could possibly get. He knows deep down that Havit is right, he’s already gone so far that breathing itself feels like an exercise. That simply existing and waking up has him wanting to curl back under his blankets and sleep. 

But then there’s that nagging voice in the back of his head, repeating his father’s words. Over. And over. And over. What would his father think? What would his father do if he found out Taehyun’s been lying to him for years? That all those girls he brought home were just alibis, pawns in his silly little game to get his father to even look at him again. He shivers lightly from the cold, pulling his jacket around himself further.

His cigarette goes untouched for the rest of his time outside, spending it just staring ahead of him and debating what his next move should be. He realizes then that he doesn’t want to die like this, not with stupid flowers growing in his lungs, suffocating the one and only dream he’s ever had. He ends the moment with an answer, a tricky one, but an answer nonetheless. 

He will give himself one more week. After that he must come clean.

Chapter Text

It’s only three days later that he finds himself sitting across from the rest of the members, eyes shifting uncomfortably between them all. He doesn’t know why he let them drag him here, knowing exactly where this conversation would end up. He knew they’d push just a few too many buttons and he’d either end up spewing every little bit of information he’d been hiding from most of them, or screaming at somebody.

Taehyun’s arms are crossed over his chest as he stares up at the object of his affection, the boy, the whole reason everything went downhill. Hankook looks stressed, dark circles pooling underneath his eyes as if the boy hadn’t slept in months. Almost as long as Taehyun. 

His chest feels like it’s going to cave in, this is the closest he’s been to the other in weeks. It’s the first time he’s gotten a good look at the other in so long. Taehyun inhales deeply, biting down on his tongue as the older boy stares at him expectantly. 

“Well? Are you going to answer me?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Hannie.”

The look on the older boy’s face almost makes Taehyun laugh, the shock that splayed itself across his features quickly leaving before he looks at him sternly once again. “Taehyun, don’t play stupid, you know what I'm talking about.”

“Mmmn, no I don’t. I’m not avoiding anyone.” 

Hankook rubs a hand over his face, trying to calm himself down, “Tae-” He pauses, biting as his tongue softly, “We just want to help you,”

“Havit-hyung is already helping me. You guys don't have to worry about it.” He shrugs, sending the oldest boy a desperate look, praying that he would take his side. Ultimately his efforts seem futile as Havit stays quiet, sitting on the carpet across from Taehyun’s comfy placement on the couch. 

He should have never brought attention to him, because immediately Hankook has his attention on Havit, “Hyung? What are you two hiding?” The platinum boy’s eyes flicker between the two, before he sits back, leaning against the table behind him.

“Taehyun seems to have made up his mind, even though I don't agree with his method.” The oldest sounds drained, as if he knew all the fight he had been putting up was futile. As if he were already grieving the death of the blonde boy in front of him. 

Taehyun's chest constricts, fingers dancing across his thighs in some makeshift grounding technique. He hears a sigh come from the leader and refuses to meet the gaze of him, fearing the look of disappointment. 

“Hannie please just- Can we forget about it? I’ll try and hang out with you more, really this isn't that big of a deal.” A scoff is heard from the floor, Havit mocking him under his breath, “Not that big of a deal, sure Taehyun. Sure.”

“Oh? Come on then, just fucking say it, hyung. You said you’d sort my shit out if I didn’t right? Just go ahead and tell them, it won’t matter anyways and we both know it. I’m going to bed.” Taehyun snaps before pushing himself off the couch and shuffling his way to his shared room, locking the door behind him. 

The living room is left silent, the remaining members looking amongst themselves before all eyes land on the oldest. “Hyung…?” Havit’s eyes close softly, before he presses his hands to his eyelids, the pressure of the past month weighing on his back. With a heavy heart the oldest finally looks up to the rest of the group. “Did you guys… Ever get the lecture during training? About… Being careful who you fall in love with?”

The other boys look confused, two of them even shaking their heads before Havit continues, “Oh- this’ll be a lot harder than I thought then… But you guys have to remember I’m not telling you guys this to be mean to Tae, I’m really just trying to help him.” He pauses, is this really the right thing to do? Is he really about to out Taehyun like this?

“T-There’s an illness… That causes flowers to bloom in your lungs when you fall in love with someone… I know more about it than Taehyun… Which is why I’ve been so adamant on him… Confessing. Because…” His voice catches, hands sweating as he further explains the situation to the boys. 

“I had a friend who caught it… Back when we were trainees, you guys might remember her- Eunji, was her name. She was in love with one of the other trainees, but she wouldn’t tell him… And eventually… She passed away, she refused surgery until her last day, then finally just a few hours before she passed she started screaming and begging for them to do it, saying she didn’t want to give up on her dream just yet...” 

He’s crying at this point, still not over the loss of his childhood friend, “She was in so much pain, she didn’t want to die… But we were so young- and we didn’t understand the severity of the situation… W-When I told Taehyun… He said he’d rather die than confess, that he doesn’t want to ruin the group over something so volatile … We’ve been fighting about it for weeks now and I just… Don’t know what to do anymore…” 

The boys in the room are shocked, Hankook especially looks like he’s going to get sick. “D-Did he tell you… Who?” Havit nods slowly, Donghyun eyes the older nervously, “Is it one of us?” He doesn't know if he can handle the answer to the question. He doesn’t know if he could take any of them as being the reason for Taehyun’s illness. But of course, the silence that follows only goes to answer his question.

“Hyung… Is it one of us?” This time it’s Yechan asking, the usually loud boy, speaking so softly, in hopes of Taehyun not hearing him from the other room. “Yes…” It’s whispered, but everyone heard it. His eyes shift over to Hankook, staring at the boy pleadingly. “I’m sorry I hid it from you Hannie… Be gentle with him please. He’s… Gone through a lot. Please don’t be mad at him-”

Hankook is abnormally quiet, his heart beating quickly in his chest as he thinks of the boy in the other room. Part of him wants to be angry, to scream and yell at the boy. But he realizes now just how unfair the world has been to Taehyun. Before he can even properly register everything, his legs are moving on their own, ignoring the pleading from the oldest.

He finds himself knocking on Taehyun’s door frantically, “Tae, let me in-” No response is given at first, only quiet shuffling inside the room. “Taehyun, please. I know you don’t want to see me, but please. Just- give me a chance,” right as he goes to knock again the door cracks open, showing the bloodshot eyes of the blonde boy.

“What?” It's short, snapped out, but Hankook has never been more happy to see the other. He feels the wind knock out of him as his throat dries , his eyes scanning around the other’s face, mapping out every little detail. “Can I come in?” His voice is soft, shaking, but still soft. The tightness in his chest loosens as the door fans open a bit more, Taehyun leaving to go sit on his bed, immediately getting under the covers to hide away at least a little. 

The room is freezing, abnormally cold for the boy who usually complains the second the temperature dips below 25. Hankook follows him to the bed, sitting at the corner. “You know you could’ve told me right? You could tell me anything, always.” Silence follows, instead of responding Taehyun glares down at his blankets, picking at the strings of his hoodie, “Why didn’t you tell me, Hyun-” 

“What the hell am I supposed to say Hankook? Does it even make any difference now that you know?” Hankook can feel the anger rolling off Taehyun, can see the way his eyes refuse to meet his own, “Does it make- Tae, of course it makes a difference! What are you even talking about? Do you hear yourself?

“Taehyun- you could’ve been fine! You didn’t have to go through this just because you were scared of how I’d react!” 

“What are you even talking about, stop talking like you feel the same about me. That’s not how this fucking disease works, you can’t possibly-” He stops himself, shutting his eyes, “I wouldn’t be sick if you did, you can’t just… Fuck with my feelings like this.” Taehyun is already annoyed, he doesn’t want to spend his last days arguing with his best friend. He doesn’t want to soil the memories he has with Hankook.

“Can’t you just fucking listen to me Taehyun? You’re not going to die!” Hankook’s eyes are blown wide with desperation as he moves to grip the younger’s hand tightly, stopping Taehyun’s anxious picking. “Tae, sweetie- I feel the same way. I always have. This stupid disease isn’t fair, it doesn’t know my feelings for you. It has no way to know, all it knows is your own dejection. You’ve put it in your own head that I don’t love you, it rooted itself in that.” Taehyun’s chest squeezes painfully, his breaths coming out in short waves, “But, how…?”

“How what, baby?” 

“How can… How can you…? I-I’m not…” They stare at each other for a moment, Taheyun’s thoughts swirling in his head as he tries to wrap his head around what was happening. 

“Don’t finish that sentence, Taehyun.” The younger’s throat tickles as he goes to speak again, only to be cut off by his own coughing. His lungs are burning again, white hot pain searing its way through his throat. Taehyun’s nails dig slightly into Hankook’s hand, his body shaking, finding no relief from the fit that’s come over him. 

He’s never experienced his airways completely closing in, but he’s sure that’s what's happening. Panic sets in rather quickly; he can vaguely hear Hankook yelling for the rest of the members, but he tries to keep his focus on breathing, just needing to get any air to his lungs. He doesn’t know how long he’s coughing for, only knowing that he’s suddenly so tired. 

He knows it's a bad idea, but he lets his eyes slip shut for a moment, his head feeling fuzzy, sounds start to fade in and out, the hands touching him feel like ice and he whines as he tries to wiggle away from them. 

Everything finally goes still when his world fades to black.

Chapter Text

The sterile scent of antiseptic clings to the room, the smell stinging the blonde’s nose as he slowly blinks awake in the hospital bed. The quiet hum of machines fills the silence around him, rhythmic beeping reminding him of the cruel reality Taehyun was trapped in. As he tries to sit up he notices the lack of a familiar tightness that usually crawls its way into his chest, taking in a deep breath for what seems to be the first time in months. 

He glanced around him, eyes trailing over the various wires attaching him to the machines around the room. Taehyun blinked against the bright fluorescent lights, hoping to find a familiar face in the room– his members, manager- anyone, but the room was otherwise empty. Frustration flared in his chest, doubt creeping into the back of his mind. If only he could turn back time and never tell Havit about his illness, sure, he’d still be suffering, but at least he wouldn’t be feeling this disgusted with himself. 

Just as Taehyun starts to sink further into his self-deprecating thoughts the door swings open, a woman (probably in her mid thirties, his mind supplies) steps into the room. 

“Oh- Good morning, Taehyun-ssi. Good to finally see you awake. We were starting to get worried you wouldn’t wake up.” Her voice was light, a smile etched onto her otherwise tired looking face. “How are you feeling?” 

Taehyun blinked slowly, his gaze traveling around the room once again before he looked back at the older woman, “I… I think I’m alright. I am a little light headed, though.” 

The nurse nods, moving gracefully to stand at the side of his bed, “Well, that is to be expected with the medicines we currently have you on. You’ve been out for quite some time, almost a week. But before we get into that- let’s get your vitals checked out.”

With practiced ease, she wrapped a cuff around Taehyun’s arm. The gentle squeeze felt strange but not uncomfortable. “Just breathe normally for me.” A moment of silence followed before she spoke again with a faint smile, “You’re doing great, your blood pressure and heart rate seem fine, a very welcome surprise for a Hanahaki victim.” 

Taehyun’s silent gaze followed the woman’s hands as she moved to write his numbers down, before catching himself in a deep yawn. “I know you’re tired Taehyun-ssi, but I’d like to ask you something before you go back to sleep- if that’s alright of course.” He nods quietly, letting out yet another yawn as exhaustion runs through his body again. 

“You seem to be recovering well, do you feel any pain or discomfort?” Taehyun thinks for a moment, moving his body a little before he finally shakes his head, “No ma’am. Just a little tightness in my chest.” Taehyun admitted, glancing down towards his hands. 

“Ah yes, that is to be expected. I’ll note it down and see if we can adjust your medication.” He nods absently, letting himself settle back against the pillows behind him as he sees the nurse step away. “Alright, you seem to be doing just fine for now, I’ll let you get some more rest. Would you like for us to allow visitors now? If not we can send them along until you’re feeling up for it.” 

Taehyun’s gaze flickers to the door before he blinks slowly, “I guess that’s fine. But- I’ll probably be asleep by the time they get in here, wouldn’t want to bore them out of their minds.”

“Oh honey, they have not left since you arrived. Seriously, one boy has even slept here over multiple nights just waiting for you to wake up. You have very good friends Taehyun-ssi. I’m sure they’d be more than happy to sit in here, even with you sleeping.” Taehyun’s face burns red before he turns over, pulling his covers over himself tighter. 

“You can let them in.” He murmurs before letting his eyes shut slowly. 

This time he’s not asleep long before he’s awoken to quiet chatter surrounding him, he immediately recognizes the voices of his members. A small grunt escapes his lips as he forces his eyes open, scanning the room around him slowly, the first person who meets his gaze is Yechan, who gasps quietly before standing from his chair and making his way over. 

“Taehyun-hyung!” The younger boy exclaimed, leaning towards him with eyes full of relief. The sterile scent of the hospital mixed with the loud voice booming in his ears cause him to recoil slightly before he smiles gently at Yechan. “Couldn’t get rid of me that easily, really gonna have to try harder next time.”

Taehyun hears a snicker from across the room, following the noise to see Donghyun smiling gently at him. “Nah, we’re good for now, you’ve scared us enough these past few weeks.” The older male slowly leans back in his chair, careful not to wake Eunil who was leaning against him softly snoring. “You feeling alright Hyun?”

“Mn, yeah. I’m fine. A little cold, but I’ve been worse.” He shrugs lightly before finally forcing himself to sit up. His eyes trail around the room once more, catching glimpses of everyone around him before his gaze lands on Hankook at the side of the bed, even in his sleep the older looks exhausted. Taehyun lets out a soft sigh, rolling his eyes lighthearted. “Hannie.” 

A groan is the only response he gets back resulting in him huffing quietly, “This dude- Has he not slept enough? Hankook!” The older male jumps, eyes wide as they land on Taehyun next to him, “You’re awake?” His voice is deep with sleep, but he still sits up to see the younger boy better, “When did you wake up?”

“Just a minute ago… Have you not been sleeping, Hannie?” The boy goes quiet as he crosses his arms over his chest. “You can’t just lose sleep over me Hankook, what if I took longer to wake up?” 

“I could wait to sleep, I had to see you. I wanted to be awake when you woke up…” Taehyun glares at Hankook, raising his eyebrow at him, “And yet here we are, me having to wake you up. As per usual.” 

A cough drags the two from their quiet bickering, pulling their attention to Havit standing at the door, “Are we interrupting something? A couple’s quarrel perhaps?  Would you like us to step out for a minute?” His arms are crossed, but he still seems amused by the scene playing in front of him. Taehyun’s face burns lightly before he leans back against his pillows more, “You know what, yes actually. I’d like a minute with lover-boy over here. I wasn’t done yelling at him the other night.” 

The nickname seems to wake Hankook up further, a sputtering mess of words leaving his mouth before he finally spits something recognizable out, “I have done nothing wrong,” The two boys pointlessly bicker as the remaining members ease out of the room quietly, Taehyun only shutting up once the door is finally closed behind Choonghyun. The room falls silent for a moment before a small smile makes its way to Taehyun’s face, “So you actually meant it? You weren’t just trying to make me feel better?” 

“That would be cruel of me to give you hope like that Tae.” The boys sat in silence for a moment, Taehyun’s eyes scanning around the room as he finally caught glimpse of a vase of flowers sitting next to the door. He glanced at Hankook once before looking back at the flowers, “You got those for me?” 

“Beautiful, aren’t they? They reminded me of you…” His voice is light, trying to keep the peace from leaving the room, “Petunias were what your mother used to give you, right?”

Taehyun’s gaze fell, his hands nervously playing with his blanket. “Yeah… About that… They were also the- the flowers I got sick with…” His eyes are dull, slowly filling back with despair. “They’re nice though,” he replied, though his voice was flat, lacking its usual spark. 

Hankook shifted in his seat before reaching to grab the younger’s hand, “You don’t sound too convinced.” 

A soft laugh escaped Taehyun, a nervous gesture he had recently picked up that Hankook noticed all too well by now. “I don’t know Hannie… I just- it feels like an omen, you know?” 

“What do you mean?” Hankook asked, his eyebrows furrowing. 

“It’s just… My parents. I mean… my mother always gave me those, then… When I got caught with a boy… It all stopped. I never got them anymore, not even when we debuted.” He paused, closing his eyes, “Then I got sick- and… It was petunias and… What if they’re right, Hannie?” 

“My parents are religious. They think love is something pure, but only in a certain way. And we…” He trailed off, the weight of his unspoken thoughts heavy between them. 

“We are just two people who care about each other.” Hankook interrupted, frustration creeping behind his tone, “You know that, why can’t you just look past what your parents think?”

“Because it’s wrong- it’s sinful, what if- if they found out about us…” He whispered, voice hardly loud enough to register in Hankook’s ears, but he still heard it loud and clear. 

“Taehyun,” Hankook insisted, “You know I love you. You being alive right now is solid proof of that. This isn’t wrong. How could something so pure be wrong?” 

Taehyun looked away, his heart visibly torn. “I love you too, but… I can’t just ignore everything I’ve been taught. Or better yet- What if they tell? What if we lose everything?”

“You’d choose them over me? Over us?” The words slipped out, but Hankook would not take them back now, too hurt by the slight confession from the younger. 

“No! I don’t want to!” Taehyun’s voice cracked as he turned to face Hankook, tears spilling down his cheeks. “But I feel like I’m being pulled apart. I want you, but I’m terrified of what that means.”

“So what do we do then, huh? Do you expect me to forget the past few months? ‘Cause- Taehyun I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. You can’t just- let them dictate your life anymore Taehyun! You can’t just throw all of this away because of their beliefs!” 

Taehyun flinched back, his eyes wide from the tone of the other, “I’m not throwing anything away! That’s the entire point of this conversation Hankook, we have worked too goddamn hard for me to throw it away because I can’t keep my feelings at bay!”

“So what then, Taehyun?” Hankook snapped, his frustration getting the best of him. “Are you just going to sit there and wait for the next ‘right moment’? Because newsflash, Taehyun: life doesn’t just wait for you to figure shit out!”

Taehyun’s face crumpled, hurt flashing across his features. “I’m trying my best here! This isn’t easy for me, Hankook!” 

“And you think it is for me? Why do you act like it’s just a choice? Like you can just decide to pretend you don’t love me?” Hankook’s voice was raw, filled with anguish. “Do you even realize what you’re saying? You really expect me to pretend you weren’t willing to die to keep your feelings instead of just getting that damn surgery?”

A tense silence filled the air, the beauty of the sunset now feeling like a cruel joke. Hankook clenched his fists, heart racing. “You have to choose. It’s not fair to me, to us, to keep going back and forth.”

“Hannie…” Taehyun whispered, his voice cracking. “I wish it were that simple.”

“It is simple,” Hankook said, voice low but fierce. “You just have to be brave enough to make the choice.”

“But what if I’m not? What then? What happens when I can’t… Forget what they’ve said to me? What he’s done to me. Hankook, I cannot forget what it felt like to go to school covered in bruises, I can’t forget-” His voice breaks lightly, his hand squeezing Hankook’s tight, “I can’t forget the constant strings of slurs said to me, since before I even knew what they meant.”

“We can get you help, there are therapists that specialize in this kind of thing. Taehyun, you don't have to live in fear of your parents anymore. You’re an adult, you don’t live with them, you don’t even go see them on holidays. Come to my family, they’ll love you. Not even because I do, they’ll love you for who you are.” 

“You are the sweetest, most caring person I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. You light up any room you walk into with just how happy you are. Taehyun you are an enigma, you remember to pick up everyone’s favorite snacks at the store everyday, you go out of your way to make sure everyone else is eating before you even touch your own food. Baby, You are an amazing person, and you deserve happiness, and I will make it my life goal to make sure you remember it.” 

Taehyun’s breath stuttered lightly, “I… I never knew you thought of me like that…” 

“Taehyun, I think all of that, and more. Before I even realized my feelings for you, I knew just how amazing you were. Baby, all I can think about is you and the light you bring to my life.” 

Taehyun knows Hankook is waiting for a reaction, and suddenly the weight of the moment crashes on him. He never had to go through any of this. He didn’t deserve what his parents put him through, what his mind, his own body put him through. Hankook’s words echo through his head, replaying like his favorite song on quiet nights. 

What does he even say? 

He never really allowed himself to entertain the thought of Hankook liking him back, in his mind he’d be stuck in the friendzone until the day he died, but sitting here in this hospital bed has put so many thoughts in his head.

Is this real?

He’s surrounded by an unfamiliar clutter of what his life has become, he cannot help but feel the weight of the past crushing his spirits down. He knows he should be elated but alas he doesn’t. All he feels is shame. Shame for letting it get this bad, for letting his feelings roam rampant.

Memories are flooding his mind– those days spent in church, the sermons that felt more like chains than guidance. The teachings that made him question every part of himself.

Is it really okay to feel like this?

Every time he thinks he’s moved on, something triggers the pain—an old song, a conversation with friends, or even a casual mention of his faith. His stomach twists, and he’s back in the confessions booth, feeling shame and guilt wash over him once again like a tidal wave.

He knows he’s not alone in this. He’s heard stories of others who’ve struggled with their upbringing, the constraints placed on them by rigid beliefs. It’s a relief to know he’s not the only one who has felt suffocated by the weight of expectation. But still, there’s a nagging voice in his head that says he should feel grateful for his upbringing.

What is there to be grateful for? 

He’s been trying to distance himself from his past, he’s started reading books that challenge those old beliefs, exploring ideas that resonate with him instead of tearing him down. But can he really just let go of everything he’s ever known?

It’s a sin to feel this way. 

Those words cling to him, haunting every corner of his mind. He’s trying to navigate a life where he can be true to himself, yet he feels like he’s constantly battling an invisible force that tells him he’s wrong, that he’s broken. That he shouldn’t feel this way. 

But he wants to be happy. He wants to let go of this hatred that he holds for himself. Taehyun wants to be able to lay in bed with Hankook, and kiss him, feel him in ways he never has. He wants to spend the rest of his life with him. 

“If… If we do go about this… What changes? Between us, I mean?”

Hankook’s lips turn slightly, the smallest ghost a relief flooding over his face, “Whatever you’re comfortable with, Tae. I’d buy you a ring right now if you’d say yes.”

Taehyun’s face burns slightly as he reaches to push lightly at the older, “Don’t say things like that. You don’t mean it.” 

“Oh? I don’t mean it? I know your ring size, you’re a 15. I know you like sapphires, and that you prefer silver over gold. You like daintier rings because big ones make you feel like your hand looks small. I could buy you one right now, money is no limit for me.” 

“How do you even know all of this?”

“Yechan told me. You really need to stop talking to him about personal things, he tells on you to me daily.” 

“That brat, I’m gonna force feed him cyanide.” Taehyun mumbles quietly, smiling at the little laugh that escapes Hankook. 

“But in all seriousness, Taehyun. I love you, and I’d like to be whatever you want me to be. Even if you want time first, I will always wait for you. If you want me to be your boyfriend I would go to the ends of the Earth to prove that I am worthy of that title for you.”

“Let’s go on a date then. Promise me now, that when I get out of this hospital, you’ll take me on a date. Doesn’t have to be expensive- hell, we could just go for a walk for all I care. But if you are so sure you want to put up with me, take me on a date.”

Hankook’s face lights up, his eyes shining like the stars Taehyun knows are just out his window. “Anything for you, I’d spend every dime in my account just to make sure you know you’re loved.”

Chapter Text

Taehyun lay in his hospital bed, the sun casting warm rays through the window, illuminating the room with a golden glow. He could feel the weight of anticipation building inside him as he waited for the doctor to arrive. After what felt like an eternity, the door finally swung open, and the familiar nurse stepped in, her smile bright and reassuring.

“Good morning, Taehyun-ssi! I’ve got some great news for you,” she said cheerfully. “The doctor reviewed your vitals, and you’re cleared to go home today!”

A wave of relief washed over him, but it was quickly mixed with anxiety. The thought of returning to the outside world filled him with both hope and dread. He glanced at Hankook, who was sitting quietly in the corner, eyes glued to Taehyun, an expression of unfiltered love and concern on his face.

“Really? I can go home?” Taehyun’s voice was barely above a whisper, but it carried all the weight of his emotions.

“Yes! Just a few more checks and some paperwork, and you’ll be on your way.” She began to check his chart, making small notes as Taehyun took a deep breath, processing the change that was about to happen.

“Do you feel ready?” Hankook asked, moving closer, his hand brushing against Taehyun’s as if to offer comfort.

Taehyun nodded, though a part of him still clung to the sterile safety of the hospital. “I think so. I just… I hope I don’t fall back into old habits.”

Hankook’s gaze softened. “You won’t. You’ve got me now. We’ll face everything together.” The sincerity in Hankook’s eyes made Taehyun’s heart race, and he felt a flicker of hope.

As the nurse wrapped up her checks, Taehyun couldn’t shake the feeling of apprehension. What would it be like to go home? The last few months had been filled with pain and confusion, and although he was excited to leave the hospital, the thought of confronting his reality was daunting.

Before long, the nurse finished the paperwork and handed Taehyun a set of discharge instructions. “Remember to take your medications, stay hydrated, and rest as much as you can. We want to make sure you continue to heal.” She smiled warmly before stepping out of the room.

With a few minutes to gather himself, Taehyun took a deep breath, feeling the warmth of Hankook’s hand enveloping his own. “Ready?” Hankook asked, his voice steady and reassuring.

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” Taehyun managed a small smile, and they began the journey out of the hospital.

As they stepped into the fresh air, the world felt alive again. The sky was a brilliant blue, and the sounds of the city buzzed around them, filling Taehyun with a mixture of exhilaration and anxiety. Yechan and the others were waiting outside, faces lighting up at the sight of Taehyun.

“Hyung! You’re back!” Yechan rushed forward, enveloping Taehyun in a tight hug. Laughter and chatter erupted from the group as they celebrated his return.

Taehyun felt a rush of gratitude for his members, but the reality of his struggles loomed in the back of his mind. As they piled into the van, the excitement was palpable, but Taehyun couldn’t help but steal glances at Hankook, who seemed deep in thought.

During the ride, the laughter of his friends filled the space, but Taehyun noticed Hankook’s silence. His gaze was distant, lost somewhere in his own mind. Taehyun’s heart tightened with concern.

“Hey, you okay?” Taehyun asked, nudging Hankook gently with his shoulder.

Hankook blinked, the light returning to his eyes as he focused on Taehyun. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just… thinking.”

“About what?” Taehyun pressed, wanting to break through the wall of tension he felt.

Hankook hesitated, his fingers tightening around Taehyun’s hand. “Just about us. About what it means to be together.”

Taehyun frowned, feeling a knot form in his stomach. “What do you mean?”

“I mean…my own fears about our relationship.” Hankook’s voice was barely a whisper, and Taehyun could see the vulnerability etched in his features.

“Your fears?” Taehyun echoed, feeling a wave of confusion wash over him.

Hankook glanced away, his voice thick with emotion. “I’ve never really talked about my own feelings before. You know how people here are... I was always taught that loving someone like you was… wrong, and I went through all of this when I realized my feelings for you–but now I’m having to think about how to go about this.” He paused, taking a shaky breath. “It scares me, Taehyun. I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to hurt us.”

The weight of Hankook’s admission hit Taehyun hard. He knew the burden of expectation and fear all too well. “But we’re here now,” Taehyun said softly, reaching to squeeze Hankook’s hand. “We’ll figure it out together, right Hannie?”

Hankook met his gaze, his eyes shimmering with unshed tears. “It’s just so hard to shake off everything I've seen. I hate that we have to hide, why couldn’t we just be left alone.”

“Believe me, I know.” Taehyun’s heart raced as he spoke, the memories of his own upbringing flooding back—days filled with shame and guilt, the constant fear of judgment.

As the van pulled up to their apartment building, Taehyun took a deep breath, feeling the weight of their conversation settle around them. The world outside was a blur of color and sound, but in that moment, all he could focus on was Hankook’s presence beside him.

“I want to fight for us,” Taehyun continued, determination rising within him. “I want to be able to love you freely, without fear. We both deserve that, don’t we?”

Hankook’s lips curved into a faint smile, though the uncertainty still lingered in his eyes. “Yeah, we do.”

They stepped out of the van, joined by their members, but the world around them felt quieter, the air filled with possibility. Taehyun’s heart raced as he realized they were both standing on the edge of something new.

As they entered the building, Taehyun looked up at Hankook, determination flashing in his eyes. “We’ll take this one step at a time, I won’t give up this time.”

Hankook nodded, a hint of relief crossing his features and for the first time, the weight on both their shoulders felt a little lighter.

Taehyun felt a wave of relief wash over him. Each corner held memories of laughter, late-night talks, and even moments of silence where they both understood each other without words. The warmth of the place enveloped him, a stark contrast to the sterile hospital environment he had just left behind.

“Home sweet home,” Yechan announced dramatically, throwing open the door to their apartment as if unveiling a grand stage. The others followed, chattering excitedly, but Taehyun’s heart was still racing from the conversation with Hankook.

“Let’s get a movie on!” Donghyun suggested, already heading for the living room. Taehyun could hear the playful banter of his members as they settled in, but he felt a lingering tension with Hankook beside him.

“Do you want to join them?” Hankook asked quietly, glancing over at Taehyun. “I can make popcorn.”

Taehyun hesitated, feeling the urge to retreat into the comfort of familiarity with his friends. But he also sensed that this moment with Hankook was important. “Actually, I’d like to talk to you first. Just… us, okay?” 

Hankook’s eyebrows furrowed before he seemed to relax, he nodded once, “Alright– Wanna go to your room for a minute?”

Taehyun hummed before dragging the older man through the hallway quietly. As they stepped into the bedroom Taehyun’s shoulders slumped dramatically before he shut the door, yanking Hankook into a tight hug. Silence hung in the air as the older wrapped his arms gently around him, careful to not hurt the younger. 

“Hey,” Taehyun whispered, “I just wanted to say something…”

Hankook turned, his expression shifting to one of curiosity and warmth. “Of course. What’s on your mind?”

Taehyun hesitated, the weight of his thoughts swirling around him. “I just… I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Hankook’s expression softened further, and he leaned against Taehyun. “You don’t have to thank me, Tae. I care about you.”

Taehyun pulled away from the hug slowly, hands trailing down Hankook’s arms– refusing to break contact with the older. Taehyun smiles gently, eyes flickering between Hankook’s, he bites his tongue to hold back from saying something he’d regret. 

Hankook’s hand moves to trace Taehyun’s face, cupping at his jaw gently, “Can I kiss you, Tae?”

The question hung in the air, and for a moment, Taehyun was paralyzed with uncertainty. But the sincerity in Hankook’s eyes melted away his doubts. “Yes. Please.”

Hankook leaned in slowly, his gaze flicking between Taehyun’s eyes and lips, seeking permission. Taehyun felt a rush of warmth flood through him, anticipation swirling like butterflies in his stomach.

When their lips finally met, it was gentle and tentative, as if they were both testing the waters. Taehyun’s heart raced, a wave of emotions crashing over him. The kiss was soft and electric, a sweet mingling of breaths that felt both exhilarating and grounding.

As Hankook deepened the kiss, Taehyun melted into him, feeling the warmth and safety that came with the connection. It was everything he had imagined and more, a moment of pure bliss that made the weight of his past feel lighter. He felt alive, filled with the realization that he was exactly where he was meant to be.

When they finally pulled apart, both breathless, Taehyun couldn’t help but laugh softly, a mixture of joy and disbelief. “Wow.”

Hankook’s smile mirrored Taehyun’s, his eyes bright with affection. “Wow, indeed.”

Taehyun couldn’t suppress the grin that spread across his face, feeling as if a weight had been lifted. “I think I could get used to this.”

“Me too,” Hankook replied, leaning closer again. “And just so you know, I’m definitely going to kiss you more often.”

“Good,” Taehyun said, his heart swelling with warmth. “Please do, in fact.”

With a playful smile, Hankook tilted his head, leaning in once more, their laughter mingling as they shared another soft kiss, each one weaving their hearts closer together.

As Taehyun and Hankook pulled away again, laughter still lingering in the air, a sudden burst of noise from the living room drew their attention. Just as they were about to share another kiss, the door swung open, and Yechan walked in, eyes wide.

“Whoa! Sorry! Didn’t mean to interrupt!” Yechan exclaimed, holding up his hands in mock surrender, his face a mix of shock and amusement. “I thought you guys were just talking!”

Taehyun’s cheeks flushed a deep shade of red as he scrambled to put some space between him and Hankook, a mix of embarrassment and laughter bubbling up. “Uh, we were! Just… talking.”

“Right,” Yechan said, unable to hide his smirk. “Talking about kissing, I assume?”

Hankook chuckled, shooting Taehyun a playful glance. “Well, he’s not wrong.”

Taehyun buried his face in his hands, overwhelmed by the sudden turn of events. “Can you please knock next time?”

Yechan stepped further into the room, still grinning. “I didn’t think I’d have to knock to come into my own room,” the youngest laughed quietly, grabbing his charger from his bedside before slowly leaving the room, making a show of locking the door behind him. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, you two!” 

Taehyun groaned in annoyance before leaning back into Hankook’s embrace, embarrassment flowing through his body. “Don’t let him get to you, he’s only going to get worse Tae, you know that.” Hankook was laughing softly, running his hands along the length of Taehyun’s back. 

“I know– It’s just so embarrassing…” 

“Let’s just go watch the movie, we have all the time in the world for privacy.”

Chapter Text

The two had done nothing but awkwardly dance around each other during the day, only for Taehyun to quietly find sanctuary in Hankook’s bed in the middle of the night, glaring down at his songwriting journal with a sleeping Hankook by his side. 

He’d woken up countless mornings to the younger boy buried in his chest, soft hair tickling his neck every time he shifted. Today started no different, though this time Taehyun had somehow managed to wrap himself around Hankook, his hands clutching Hankook’s t-shirt tight. 

Hankook blinked a few times as he woke up, feeling the weight of Taehyun’s limbs draped over him. He huffed out a soft laugh, shaking his head at the absurdity of his boyfriend. He carefully shifted, trying not to wake him, but Taehyun murmured incoherently and burrowed closer, his grip tightening like he was a child trying to stop you from taking his favorite toy. 

“Seriously?” Hankook whispered, amused despite his predicament. He looked down at Taehyun’s face, the soft and peaceful look that only seemed there when the younger was asleep. He definitely wasn’t complaining about Taehyun sleeping in his bed, it just made it harder for him to get up as early as he usually does. He silently cursed his boyfriend’s nocturnal habits before trying once again to get out of the vice grip Taehyun had on him. 

Hankook sighed softly, deciding to let the younger boy have his way for now. He could afford a few more minutes in bed, even if his usual routine would have to be sped up. Grabbing his phone, he checked the time, noting that it wasn’t as late as he’d feared. 

“Fine, you win.” He murmured quietly, letting his hand settle gently on Taehyun’s head, smoothing out the knots in the boy’s hair. Taehyun let out a quiet hum, the sound barely audible, but Hankook found himself smiling nonetheless. He wasn’t sure when it started, but being this close to Taehyun suddenly felt like second nature to him, and he couldn’t find it in himself to complain about that. 

After a few more minutes of laying still, Hankook was finally sick of laying stagnant. He sighed softly, pushing the hair out of Taehyun’s face gently, “Baby, if you don’t let me up, we’re both going to be late.”

The younger groaned quietly, face burrowing deeper into Hankook’s chest. “Don’t care. Sleepy.” He mumbled, voice deep and laced with sleep. 

Hankook chuckled, his free hand finding its way to Taehyun’s waist, patting it softly. “You will when you’re sitting at practice with your shoes on the wrong feet.” 

Taehyun let out a muffled groan, clearly unimpressed with the teasing. He shifted just enough to peek one eye open, his pout unmistakable. “You’re too comfortable. It’s your fault.”

Hankook snorted, shaking his head. “Sure, blame me for your inability to wake up like a normal human being.” Despite the playful scolding, his fingers were still absentmindedly combing through Taehyun’s hair, smoothing it down in gentle strokes. It was an action he realized had become second nature, and Taehyun’s small, content hums weren’t helping his resolve to leave the bed.

“Just five more minutes,” Taehyun murmured, his voice barely above a whisper. His eyes fluttered shut again, and Hankook could feel the younger’s breathing begin to even out.

“Taehyun,” Hankook said softly but firmly, his tone somewhere between exasperated and affectionate. “Five minutes turns into thirty with you. I’m not falling for it this time.”

“Then don’t fall for it. Just... stay,” Taehyun replied, his words slurred with drowsiness. He tightened his grip, clearly intent on making himself a permanent addition to Hankook’s chest.

Hankook let out a deep sigh, a mixture of amusement and pity. “Alright, you leave me no choice,” he muttered, his voice tinged with a mock sternness. He carefully wriggled out from under Taehyun’s grasp, eliciting a half-hearted groan of protest from the younger boy. 

As soon as Hankook was free, his hand wrapped around Taehyun’s wrist and tugged lightly. “Come on, up. If we’re late again, Eunil’s never gonna let you live it down.” 

Taehyun grumbled incoherently but didn’t budge, his face helplessly buried in the mountain of pillows Hankook keeps on his bed. 

“That’s true, but I’m trying to save you from another round of the boys’ creative insults.” Hankook chuckled, tugging harder– successfully rolling Taehyun onto his back. 

“Five more minutes…” Taehyun whined, reaching blindly for Hankook, his fingers clutching at empty air. 

“Nope. Not this time, baby. If you’re not up in thirty seconds, I’m leaving you to deal with them on your own.”

At the mention of the other leaving, Taehyun cracked a single eye open drearily. “You wouldn’t.”

“I would. And you know I would.” Hankook replied with a grin, crossing his arms in finality. 

Taehyun groaned, finally sitting up, his hair still a mess and his expression a mix of sleepiness and annoyance. “You’re the worst.”

“And yet, here you are, still dating me.” Hankook teased, ruffling Taehyun’s hair before heading to the bathroom. 

It takes nearly forty-five minutes for Taehyun to actually get ready, the boy sleepily going through his ‘morning’ routine and by the time they actually leave the dorms it's nearing 11AM. 

When the two finally stumbled into the practice room, Taehyun– still looking slightly disheveled, the rest of the group had already gathered. Eunil immediately noticing their late arrival, his face lighting up with a mischievous grin. 

“Oh cute, they came in together, late– as usual.” He announced loudly, clapping his hands for dramatic effect. 

“Did Taehyun chain himself to you again, or were you two busy doing something else this morning?” Donghyun added, leaning against the wall with a smirk. 

Taehyun’s face burned and he groaned, pulling his hood over his face. “It’s too early for this.”

“It’s almost noon, Tae.” Choonghyun pointed out with a raised brow, not even bothering to hide his amusement. “You two could’ve at least tried to not make the jokes so easy.”

Yechan snickered from his spot on the floor. “Hankook-hyung, you really need to teach the princess over here how to wake up like a functioning human being.”

Hankook raised his hands in mock surrender. “Listen man, I’ve tried. He’s impossible.”

“Impossible is generous.” Havit quipped, slinging an arm around Taehyun’s shoulder, one of his hands moving to squish at the younger’s cheeks lightly. “He’s a little menace.”

“Can we practice instead of bullying me, please?” Taehyun mumbled, his voice muffled by his hoodie. 

“Not until you admit you’re the reason we’re behind schedule,” Havit countered back, grinning ear to ear.

“I blame Hannie.” Taehyun stated flatly, earning a chorus of laughter from the group. 

Hankook sighed, shaking his head but smiling nonetheless, “You’re so lucky you’re pretty, brat.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Taehyun swatted at the hand on his face, finally pulling his hoodie down and flashing a small, sleepy smile. 

The practice went smoother than everyone expected, despite the group’s antics from earlier. By the time they were wrapping up, everyone was drenched in sweat and sprawled across the floor trying to catch their breath. 

“Alright, that’s it for today,” Hankook announced, standing with his hands on his hips. “Good job, guys.”

Havit groaned miserably, wiping his face with his shirt. “Define ‘good.’ My legs are literally killing me.”

“Mine too,” Eunil whined, stretching his arms above his head. “But at least it’s over.”

Yechan, being the menace he is, plopped right next to Taehyun, nudging him. “You barely survived, huh? You were zoning out bad during the last set.”

Taehyun waved him off, panting quietly, “Let me live.”

“Barely,” Choonghyun teased lightly, smirking as he grabbed his bag from the corner. “Anyways, I’m out. I’m getting my hands on that shower before you all.” 

One by one, the members filtered out, leaving only Hankook and Taehyun in the practice room alone. Taehyun still lying on the floor, his chest rising and falling steadily as he caught his breath. 

“Not gonna get up?” Hankook teased, leaning over him. “I thought you’d be running for the door by now.”

Taehyun hummed lightly, “Too tired,” he closed his eyes, “I might just sleep here.”

“Oh, no you don’t,” Hankook grabbed his wrists and hauled him to his feet. “Come on, I’ve got plans for us.” 

Taehyun blinked owlishly, his sleepiness momentarily forgotten. “Plans? When did we make plans?” 

Hankook smirked, brushing past him to grab his bags. “We didn’t. I did. But go shower first. You look like hell.”

“Rude,” Taehyun mumbled, before making his way slowly to the exit, somehow knowing in his heart he wouldn’t get to sleep for a while tonight.

Chapter Text

Taehyun couldn’t help but eye Hankook suspiciously. “You’re not going to tell me where we’re going, are you?”

“Nope,” Hankook replied, a playful grin tugging at his lips. “Just trust me.”

“I do,” Taehyun said softly, his gaze lingering on Hankook’s face. “But you’re being suspicious.”

“Good,” Hankook teased, taking his hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze. “You’ll like it, I promise.”

They continued walking until they reached a bowling alley tucked away in a lively part of the city. Taehyun froze, staring up at the brightly lit sign. “Bowling?”

Hankook chuckled at the surprise in his voice. “Yeah. I figured it’d be fun for our first official date.”

Taehyun blinked, his lips curving into a small smile. “You didn’t have to make it a surprise, you know.”

Hankook smirked, stepping aside to let Taehyun take in the sight of the bustling bowling alley. It was bright and loud, filled with the clatter of pins and the excited chatter of groups gathered at their lanes.

“Come on,” Hankook said, nudging Taehyun gently. “Let’s grab a lane before they’re all taken.”

Taehyun followed, his eyes darting around the space, trying to act nonchalant. But Hankook caught the small smile tugging at the corner of his lips, and he felt a swell of pride. He wanted this to be special, even if it was the most basic first date someone could think of. He never claimed to be smart, okay?

After renting their shoes and picking out their bowling balls—Hankook opting for a sleek black one while Taehyun struggled to find a ball that wasn’t too heavy—they settled into their lane.

“You’ve bowled before, right?” Hankook asked, lacing up his shoes.

Taehyun huffed, fiddling with the wrist strap of his glove. “Once or twice. But don’t get your hopes up—I’m terrible.”

Hankook smirked lightly, standing up straight. “You can’t be that bad, right?”

He was that bad. He lost the first game by a 200 point margin. He felt his face burn in embarrassment, hiding it behind his hands as Hankook set up the next game. Just as they were about to start the next round when a girl from the neighboring lane sauntered over, her confident smile aimed directly at Hankook. She had an air of practiced charm, her body language as casual as her intentions were obvious.

“Hey,” she said brightly, her eyes lingering on Hankook. “Any chance you could give me a quick lesson?”

Hankook hesitated, clearly caught off guard. “Oh, uh—thanks. But—”

Taehyun stepped in before Hankook could finish, his voice calm but laced with an unmistakable edge. “He’s already busy teaching someone,” he said, meeting the girl’s gaze with a polite but firm smile.

The girl blinked, surprised by the interruption. Her eyes darted between them before her expression turned slightly sheepish. “Oh, I see. My bad. Have fun, then.”

“We will,” Taehyun replied, his smile widening just enough to make the girl nod awkwardly before retreating back to her lane.

As soon as she was gone, Hankook turned to Taehyun, an amused smirk tugging at his lips. “Wow. Didn’t realize I needed a guard dog.”

“You didn’t,” Taehyun said, grabbing his bowling ball with an air of nonchalance. “But she didn’t need to waste your time, either.” Taehyun muttered, his blush deepening as he turned away to focus on his next throw. His aim was off again, the ball rolling into the gutter, but Hankook didn’t laugh. Instead, he clapped encouragingly.

“Almost had it!” Hankook said, his tone light.

Taehyun shot him a look. “You’re the worst cheerleader ever.”

“And yet, I’m still your favorite person,” Hankook countered with a grin, stepping up for his turn. He deliberately bowled a gutter ball, turning back to Taehyun with an exaggerated shrug. “Guess it’s your game to win.”

Taehyun narrowed his eyes, clearly catching on. “You’re letting me win.”

“Am I?” Hankook said innocently, his smirk betraying him.

Taehyun couldn’t stop the small smile that crept onto his face, shaking his head as he grabbed his ball again. “You’re impossible.”

“And you’re adorable,” Hankook replied, watching as Taehyun rolled his next ball. It barely grazed a few pins, but the triumphant look on Taehyun’s face was more than worth it.

Taehyun turned back to Hankook, his chest puffed out in mock pride. “See that? Progress. Watch out, I’m coming for your score.”

Hankook chuckled, leaning on the ball return as he watched Taehyun with fond eyes. “I’m shaking in my boots.”

“You’re not even wearing boots!”

They fell into an easy rhythm as the second game unfolded, Taehyun’s initial nerves giving way to laughter every time his ball veered off course. Hankook, for his part, made an effort to keep the score close, offering tips in between playful teasing.

As the game came to a close, Taehyun managed to knock down a spare, earning a cheer from Hankook that made him blush furiously. “Okay, okay, stop,” Taehyun said, waving him off, though he couldn’t hide his pleased grin. “It’s not that big of a deal.”

“It’s a huge deal!” Hankook exclaimed, throwing an arm around Taehyun’s shoulders and pulling him close. “You’re a bowling prodigy in the making.”

Taehyun laughed, playfully shrugging him off. “You’re so dramatic.”

“That’s what you signed up for,” Hankook said with a wink. He glanced at the clock on the wall and tilted his head. “Feel like grabbing some food? I think there’s a cafe a few blocks from here.”

“Food sounds good,” Taehyun agreed, setting his ball down and unlacing his shoes. “But I’m picking where we go next time.”

“Next time, huh?” Hankook said, his grin softening into something more genuine. “So I passed the test?”

Taehyun gave him a sidelong glance, a teasing smirk tugging at his lips. “Don’t get ahead of yourself. You still owe me something for that 200-point defeat.”

“Alright, fair enough,” Hankook said, laughing as they returned their shoes.

As they stepped out into the cool night air, the neon lights of the bowling alley fading behind them, Taehyun slipped his hand into Hankook’s without hesitation. Hankook glanced down at their intertwined fingers, a small, contented smile on his lips.

Taehyun tilted his head up, meeting Hankook’s gaze with a mix of shyness and certainty. “For the record,” he murmured, “This was the most basic first date ever. But it was super fun anyways.”

Hankook squeezed his hand lightly, his grin turning slightly sheepish. “Good. Because I really wanted to impress you.”

“You did,” Taehyun said, his voice soft. “Even if you’re the worst cheerleader ever.”

“You tried! That's all that counts!” Hankook shot back, earning an exasperated laugh from Taehyun.

Chapter Text

Taehyun leaned back against the headboard, his phone loosely balanced in one hand as he scrolled through a feed he wasn’t really reading. The faint sound of running water echoed through the small room, the air was warm, humid from the steam seeping through the barely closed bathroom door, and it carried the faint scent of Hankook’s citrus body wash—bright and clean, just like him.

Taehyun’s gaze flicked toward the bathroom, the glow of the light spilling into the dim bedroom. He smiled softly as the water stopped, Taehyun set his phone on the nightstand and swung his legs over the side of the bed. A moment later, the door creaked open, and Hankook stepped out, towel wrapped loosely around his shoulders, wearing only a pair of sweatpants. His dark hair dripped onto his bare shoulders, beads of water trailing down his skin.

“You’re going to soak the floor like that,” Taehyun teased, nodding toward the trail of wet footprints Hankook was leaving behind.

Hankook shot him a sheepish grin, rubbing the back of his neck. “I forgot to grab my shirt,” he admitted, shrugging his shoulders lightly. “You don’t seem to mind much.” He laughed out, watching the way Taehyun’s eyes drifted across his torso. 

“Fuck off.” The younger shot back, glaring lightly at his boyfriend. Taehyun rolled his eyes and stood, grabbing the towel from Hankook’s shoulders. “Sit,” he said, nodding toward the bed.

Hankook blinked, surprised. “What?”

“Your hair’s dripping everywhere. I’ll dry it for you.”

Hankook hesitated, a faint blush creeping into his cheeks, but he obeyed, sitting on the edge of the bed. Taehyun stood in front of him, shaking out the towel before draping it over Hankook’s head. His hands worked methodically, gentle but firm, the soft friction of the towel against Hankook’s damp hair filling the quiet space between them.

“Why do I feel like I’m being scolded?” Hankook mumbled, his voice muffled by the towel.

“Because you probably deserve it,” Taehyun replied, though the corner of his mouth twitched upward.

“I’ve done nothing wrong here,” Hankook whispered, staring up as Taehyun let the towel fall to the floor when he deemed his hair dry enough.

“You’re always doing something wrong.” The younger mumbled, letting his hands fall to Hankook’s shoulders. Silence stretched for a few beats, Hankook letting his hands move to rest on Taehyun’s hips as they stared at each other, both of them daring the other to make the first move. 

Hankook slowly guided Taehyun closer, his hands sliding up his hoodie, feeling the warm skin underneath the offending fabric. “What are we doing?” The words were quiet, Hankook not wanting to break the soft atmosphere between the two of them. 

Taehyun hummed lightly, shifting himself until he was sitting comfortably in his boyfriend’s lap. “I think we both know what we’re doing.” His arms wrapped around Hankook’s shoulders, pulling him closer until their lips finally met. 

Taehyun lets out a soft sigh against Hankook’s lips, his eyes falling shut as the hands on his hips tightened lightly. They slotted together perfectly, Hankook’s hands almost enveloping Taehyun’s whole waist, making him shiver at the contact. The older only pulling him closer as their kiss deepened, a soft gasp leaving Taehyun as he felt teeth sink into his bottom lip. 

“Hannie,” He murmured against the other’s mouth, his fingers tangling in Hankook’s damp hair. A soft hum was all he got in reply before the lips on his trailed down his jaw slowly. “Baby- we should probably talk about this before we continue.” 

Hankook groaned in mock annoyance as he pulled away, looking up at the younger boy in his lap. “Yes, love?” 

Taehyun laughed softly at the desperation in his voice, “I’m not saying we need to stop- we just have to know boundaries.” His hands found their way to Hankook’s cheeks, fingers swiping across the high points of his face, “Do you have anything you don’t want us to do?” 

Hankook’s tongue flashed across his lips, shaking his head lightly. “Not off the top of my head. I’m pretty open to anything.” His voice was airy, Taehyun could feel himself getting addicted to the sound of it like this. 

He hummed softly, “Okay… I am too, how do you want to do this then? I’ve been in both positions before, I don’t really have a preference.” He admitted, Hankook had known about his prior relationship by this point, the two of them having a very long (and uncomfortably detailed) discussion a few weeks prior to make sure they were both on the same page with each other. Of course that means he also knew about Hankook’s rather lengthy dating history in comparison to his own. 

He watched Hankook’s eyes flicker lightly as the hands on his waist rose higher, practically feeling him up. “God-” Hankook’s forehead pressed against his collarbones, “I need to fuck you so bad.” 

Taehyun inhaled deeply, feeling heat swirl in his stomach as he swallowed, nodding his head quickly. “Yeah- We can do that…” He didn’t know what to do with his hands, letting them just fall back to Hankook’s shoulders.

“Are we done talking now? Or is there more you want to ask?” The other’s voice was muffled, his lips pressed right back against his neck like before, sucking softly on the warm skin. 

“W-We’re done,” he gasped out at a sudden bite right along his collarbone, his nails digging lightly into Hankook’s shoulders. The older hummed, pulling away only long enough to tug Taehyun’s hoodie off and toss it to the side, immediately going back to his neck. 

Taehyun shivered at the cold air surrounding him, pressing on Hankook’s chest lightly to make the older boy lay down. Their eyes met again and Taehyun smirked lightly. “This is a sight I could get used to,” he whispered, letting his hands trail up Hankook’s stomach, feeling every divet of muscle. 

Hankook clicked his tongue lightly, he could appreciate that Taehyun looked pretty above him, but he was a man on a mission today. And that mission was to fuck his boyfriend so hard he’d lose the ability to think. He quickly rolled them over, pinning Taehyun down with his hips, letting his hands cage around the younger’s head. 

“Maybe next time.” He finally replied. He watched as Taehyun’s facade faltered slightly; the once almost dominating look in his eyes falling to one more soft, fitting his features more naturally than the sharp gaze he held earlier. One of his hands grabbed at Taehyun’s jaw, his grip strong as he pulled him back into another kiss. 

Taehyun gasped lightly at the pressure, whining as the hand slid lower and rested against his throat, not quite squeezing, but leaving him dizzy nonetheless. He chased Hankook’s lips as they left his, only for the hand to block his way. He let out a soft plead as Hankook made his way down his chest slowly, paying special attention to leaving soft hickeys down the center of his sternum.

The hand travelled down, following the lips, nails softly graving over his skin. Taehyun felt insane, this is only their first time together and just from slight hints he’d dropped over the past few weeks, Hankook could already tell just what made him tick, as if he knew his body better than himself. Soft red marks littered his chest by the time Hankook had made his way down to kissing Taehyun's hip bone softly.

Hankook’s hands rested at the hem of his sweatpants as they made eye contact, as Taehyun couldn’t find it in himself to turn away. He nodded, whispering curses under his breath before he let his head finally fall back against the pillows under him. 

He shivered at the cold from where Hankook immediately made quick work of removing his pants, pulling them down his legs and tossing them to the floor beside the bed. Hands gripped at his thighs, nails digging in lightly as Hankook sucked a dark hickey on his pelvis before kissing down further. 

“So perfect for me…” Taehyun felt his face burn at the comment, throwing his arm over his eyes. “I finally have you to myself after so long of waiting...” Soft lips grazed the tip of his cock, a quiet whine leaving the back of his throat.

“Don’t say shit like that-” he gasped out as Hankook ran his tongue up the length of him, a hand holding his hip to keep him from bucking his hips into the touch. 

Hankook hummed, conceding for now, wrapping his lips around Taehyun’s cock, sucking softly at the head before pushing himself to take more into his mouth. He hollowed his cheeks, revelling in the soft gasps and moans leaving Taehyun’s lips. Hankook felt a hand rest in his hair, fingers curling around the strands almost hesitantly. He glanced up through his lashes to see Taehyun with a hand covering his mouth, staring up at the ceiling above them. 

His thumbs rubbed small circles over Taehyun’s hips, feeling the muscles spasm under his fingers as the younger tried to thrust into his mouth. He knew he was playing dirty, but what’s the fun in finally getting to fuck his boyfriend if he doesn’t get to tease him at least a little bit? He pulled back until only the tip of Taehyun’s cock was between his lips, sucking as his tongue pressed against the slit. The taste of precum slid down his tongue steadily while the younger’s thighs threatened to close around his head.

“Please- please Hannie,” Taehyun’s voice came out high and whiney, his fingers gripping at Hankook’s hair tighter, fighting between pulling the older off and pushing his head back down, “I don’t wanna cum like this, please-” 

Hankook pulled off, an offset smile playing at his lips, “Do you really think I’m letting you out of this room after only one, darling?” His hand ran down the expanse of Taehyun’s legs, kneading at the muscle on the inside of his thigh

Taehyun whined and shook his head lightly, his stomach flipping at the thought. “Oh love, have you never done that before? Do you not think you can take it?” Hankook teased softly, kitten licking at the base of Taehyun’s cock, his free hand giving slow strokes up the rest of the length. 

Taehyun’s thighs twitched at the feeling, already feeling overwhelmed by the lingering touches. He cursed lightly, finally sparing another glance down at Hankook, immediately meeting the older’s eyes. “F-Fuck…” He whispered softly, he jerked at the hand speeding up on his cock, his legs instinctively trying to close around Hankook’s head again.“I can take it, fuck please-”

Hankook smirked, amused by the younger’s switch up. “Good boy, Taehyunnie.” He praised softly, letting out a small chuckle as he felt the cock in his hand twitch at the pet name. “I knew you’d be a good boy for me, always listening so well. It’s only natural for you, isn’t it?” He squeezed his hand slightly tighter, watching as Taehyun fell apart under his grasp. 

The moans falling from Taehyun’s lips picked up in frequency, his breaths heavy in desperation as soft pleas left him. He let out a whine in frustration as the hand slowed significantly, his fingers twitching in Hankook’s hair. “I asked you a question, love. C’mon use your words for me.”

Taehyun’s face burned, nodding his head quickly. “Yes- Fuck, please.” His body jerked lightly at the hand on his thigh squeezing tighter in encouragement, “Please make me cum. Please, please, please.” He whined, desperation clear in his voice. He’d never felt so strung out in his life, almost like Hankook was playing with every single nerve ending in his body. 

The glide of the hand on his cock became easier as more precum dripped out, now making a soft noise throughout the quiet of the room. “You sound so pretty when you beg, it’s almost a shame to let you come so soon.” Hankook whispered, but let his hand speed back up anyways, “But I’ll be nice for now, you’ve been such a good boy for hyung, how could I ever deny you anything?” 

Taehyun gasped lightly, his composure leaving him more every second. He could feel his body tensing, pressure building as he covered his mouth to dampen the moans escaping him, petrified at the thought of anyone else hearing him like this. His hips bucked up into the hand, now finally free of the constraint keeping him still as he chased his orgasm desperately. 

Hankook’s name fell from his lips like a mantra, his hips stuttering as he felt his first orgasm wreck through his body. The hand around his cock slowed but never stopped, making Taehyun twitch and whine. His hand shot out, grabbing at Hankook’s wrist. “Too much- Hyung, it’s too much-” He gasped out, his body instinctively flinching away from the touches.

Hankook hummed softly, “I thought you said you could take it, love?” His lips roamed the inside of Taehyun’s thighs, watching the younger boy carefully just to make sure he wasn’t pushing him too far. “How many do you think you can take? Two? Three?” He nipped softly at the skin, his free hand stopping Taehyun’s legs from closing around him again.

“Hyung-” He swallowed hard, his sentence getting cut off by another moan ripping through him. Hankook smirked, finally sitting up from between Taehyun’s thighs. He leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to the younger’s lips, laughing at the way Taehyun struggled to kiss back. 

He could feel him twitch at his light touches as he slowed his hand, his thumb playing with the head of the other’s cock. “You still doing alright, love?” He questioned lightly, pressing his lips against Taehyun’s cheekbone. 

“M-Mhmm…” The response was quiet, almost muffled by the pants leaving his boyfriend’s mouth. He stopped his teasing, letting his hands grab at Taehyun’s thighs gently. “Do you need a break?” He pulled back, looking into his eyes, observing every shift of the other. 

Taehyun fell silent for a moment, his face screwing up in thought. “N-No, I’m okay… You can keep going.” He felt like jello, he’s never even tried to push himself past one orgasm, and he had gotten dangerously close to a second not even moments after his first of the night. 

Hankook smiled, squeezing his thighs before shifting back a bit to reach for Taehyun’s nightstand, having a slight feeling the younger boy would have what he was looking for. He shuffled around it for a few moments before finding a half used tube of lube and an unopened pack of condoms. He stared at the box for a moment before shifting his gaze to Taehyun who covered his face in embarrassment. “Don’t look at me like that.”

Hankook felt a hint of jealousy course through him but tried (and failed) to shove the thought away, clicking his tongue to his teeth he left the box in the drawer, turning back to Taehyun. “I swear to God those condoms better have been bought in the last five months, Yi Taehyun.” 

The younger boy flushed lightly, not wanting to admit to how desperately he’d been waiting for this to happen. He turned his head away, only for a hand to grip at his jaw and pull his attention back to his boyfriend. “Answer me, love.”

Taehyun swallowed dryly before nodding, “T-Two weeks ago. I bought them right before our last date.” He whispered, shame burning through him at the soft laugh that escapes Hankook.

“You’ve been desperate this whole time, haven’t you, baby?” The hand on his jaw tightens slightly, making him whine at the rough treatment. “And here I thought I was the impatient one.” There was a light tap at Taehyun’s face, just trying to gain his attention back. “You having these had me worried for a second, baby. Remind me again, how long has it been since you snuck out with that boy?”

Taehyun shook his head, shutting his eyes tightly. He felt every beat of his racing heart, like the muscle was trying to claw its way out of his body. “Hyung- please.” 

“How long, Taehyun?” The younger could hear the slight irritation in Hankook’s voice, making him freeze up. He opened his eyes, staring into the other’s eyes nervously.

“T-Two years…” It was probably longer than that, but Taehyun couldn’t be sure at the moment. His mind far too gone to be able to piece together how long it’d been since he broke it off. He heard Hankook hum softly, the grip on his jaw loosening a fraction. 

“But you’re mine now, right baby?” The possessive tone behind Hankook’s words was enough to make Taehyun’s mind slip again, eyes wide as he nodded up at the older. “My good boy, you should see yourself right now,” Hankook smiled, “Where’d all that confidence from earlier go?”

Taehyun whined softly, leaning into the touch. His eyes were glassy as one hand raised to grasp at Hankook’s wrist. “Please, hyung-” His voice was airy as the hand tightened slightly at his silent encouragement. “N-Need you so bad, please.” 

Hankook grinned, he could see the trust behind Taehyun’s eyes, he could feel it in his silent actions, as Taehyun let himself melt into this pliant state Hankook had never seen him in. He reached for the bottle of lube again, coating his fingers generously with the viscous liquid. 

He settled back, using his clean hand to maneuver Taehyun’s thighs around his hips. He took his time preparing Taehyun, checking in on him between every finger he added, every hitch in Taehyun’s breath having him staring back at the younger’s face. 

It didn’t take long for Taehyun to get slightly annoyed by how careful Hankook was being with him, rolling his hips, trying to chase the slow building of another orgasm. “Hyung please-” All he wanted was to come undone with the other inside him, he heard a chuckle before one hand slowly slid up his abdomen, pressing along every ridge of muscle.

“You should be more patient, my love.” The words were spoken softly, but Taehyun could hear the edge behind the tone. He shivered lightly at it. He’d never been one to fall into such a submissive role, even when he’d bottomed in his last ‘relationship’ he found himself having to lead his ex. But there was something about Hankook that made his mind blank, wiped completely clean of every coherent thought he could usually muster. 

He squirmed under Hankook’s hands, sending a quiet glare up at him. He rolled his hips again, basking in the shock that ran through his body as fingers pressed into his most sensitive spots. He let out a shaky moan, as the hand once resting along his stomach pushed down hard, halting his movements abruptly. His hands scrambled to grab at Hankook’s wrist, feeling what would’ve been his second orgasm falling right through his fingertips. 

“N-No… No no no- please, I was so close,” Soft lips peppered kisses along his jaw, his heart pounding in his chest. 

“I know, I know…” Hankook’s form retreated from Taehyun’s slowly, pulling his fingers out of Taehyun while the younger whined in protest. “Be patient, love.” Hankook leaned back further, only to pull his sweatpants off, tossing them to the floor in a bundle along with his underwear. 

Taehyun felt his stomach knot up at the sight, words leaving him as his brain caught up to the present. His head involuntarily fell back as he let out a quiet groan when Hankook pulled him closer by his hips. 

The two were relatively quiet as Hankook reached back into the nightstand, opening up the pack of condoms in a hurried manner. When he finally got his hands on one he ripped the packet open, sliding it on himself. He sighed out at the light touch on his dick, hardly able to stop himself from thrusting into his own hand. He had spent the better part of the last hour ignoring his own needs in favor of making Taehyun feel as good as possible and his patience with himself was starting to wear thin. 

The silence between the two was cut off by an impatient Taehyun kicking lightly at his side and whining quietly about how long Hankook was taking. The older rolled his eyes lightly, finally using his hand to line himself up, “You’re going to drive me insane someday,” he murmured, slowly pushing his tip into Taehyun, listening to the quiet way the younger’s breath sped up. 

Taehyun’s eyes shut lightly, reveling in every inch pressed into him. He desperately reached out, grabbing at Hankook’s shoulders to pull him to his chest. Taehyun feels the way the older’s heart is beating against his chest, feels his lips pressing to his collarbones, hears the quiet praises under Hankook’s breath. 

His legs wrap around Hankook’s hips, somehow forcing them closer as the older finally bottoms out, feeling the quiet content sigh he lets out against Taehyun’s skin. 

“Are you alright, baby?” 

Taehyun doesn’t realize he’s practically shaking in the other’s arms until then, Hankook’s thumbs rubbing small yet comforting circles along his hip bones in an attempt to calm the younger boy down. He whines softly, rolling his hips to try and get some form of relief. 

“Hyung- please, please just move.” He lets out a quiet moan as Hankook shifts slightly, unintentionally pressing into Taehyun more. 

Hankook smirks, though the look in his eyes betrays the cocky look on his face. “Of course, my love.” Pure adoration spills into his tone, making Taehyun’s face burn as he turns his head to attempt to hide himself. The hands on his hips tightened before Hankook’s pulling back only to snap his hips forwards again, stealing the breath right out of Taehyun’s lungs. 

A choked moan escapes the younger, hands scrambling to grab hold of Hankook’s arms in a desperate attempt to ground himself as the older sets an almost tantalizing pace. Taehyun feels his body jerk lightly with every thrust, his nails painting thin red lines across the older’s shoulders. 

One of Hankook’s hands made it’s way up Taehyun’s chest, tracing every hickey he had left on him, before resting lightly against his collarbones. His thumb ran circles against the hollow divot along Taehyun’s throat as he pressed a soft kiss to his shoulder. He could feel the younger’s pulse under his fingers as he let his hand rise slowly, giving Taehyun the chance to back away before his fingers curl around his throat. He feels the other go rigid for a moment before his body goes pliant under him, quiet sounds of encouragement escaping past Taehyun’s lips. 

His grip tightens lightly, admiring the feeling of the skin under his fingers. He kissed at Taehyun’s shoulder again before leaning back, letting his eyes roam Taehyun’s writing form under him. Every roll of his hips had Taehyun gripping at him tighter, his hands moving from Hankook’s shoulders to holding onto his arm, trimmed nails digging lightly into his skin. 

Hankook clicks his tongue softly, letting his grip loosen a bit listening to the quiet whine that escapes Taehyun’s lips. “Let go,” he whispered softly, watching as the younger’s hands immediately leave his wrist, falling to his own chest with a quiet thump. “Good boy, why don’t you keep them there for me, love?” 

Taehyun’s eyes peeled open slowly, nodding his head as his hips moved slightly to meet Hankook’s. A choked moan leaves him, he could feel the knot in his stomach tightening again, this time much stronger than before.

“H-Hyung,” He gasps softly, his hips bucking again as Hankook’s hand wraps around his cock, stroking in time with his thrusts, “Hyung, fuck- I’m gonna come,” His voice cracks softly as the hand on his throat tightens back up slightly. His eyes fall shut again as Hankook speeds up, the quiet noise of the bed hitting the wall quietly turning him red in embarrassment. “Hyung… s-slow down.”

Hankook breathily laughed, ignoring the quiet pleas as his efforts doubled, he lets go of Taehyun’s throat only to grab his hips with both hands, using the leverage to pull the younger down to meet his thrusts. 

“H-Hyung!” Taehyun cursed, his back arching off the bed. His stomach lurches almost painfully as he pitifully jerked around in Hankook’s hands, “F-Fuck… They’re gonna hear us-“ 

“Don’t care,” The older replied smoothly, though in the back of his mind he knows they’re never going to hear the end of it after this. His grip tightens around Taehyun’s waist, watching as the soft skin indents under his fingers. He groans quietly at the sight, letting his head fall to Taehyun’s neck, leaving wet kisses down the column of his throat.

The blonde’s hand shot to cover his mouth as he cursed quietly under his breath. His stomach churned with heat, his legs tightening around Hankook’s hips as he squirms under him. 

The older’s name leaves his mouth like a prayer, repeated over and over as if it were the only thing he could remember how to say. He felt his abdomen tense up before a shudder left his body as his orgasm wrecked through him. 

A curse escapes Hankook’s lips as he feels Taehyun tighten around his cock, only managing a few more harsh thrusts before he’s silencing himself by biting down on the juncture of Taehyun’s neck, spilling into the condom. 

The sound of breathing fills the silence, Taehyun’s body still shaking pitifully under Hankook. He reaches forward blindly, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend to pull him impossibly closer.

“Love?” 

The word is soft, panted lightly into his ear but he hardly hears it past the fog clouding his brain. He lets out a quiet hum in response, feeling as the hands around his waist loosen before running down to his thighs to gently massage.

“Are you okay? I didn’t hurt you did I?” 

Taehyun shakes his head, his lungs feel like they’re burning in his chest, but other than that he’s never felt more bliss in his entire life. His hands travel to  Hankook’s hair, tangling gently in the short locks before tugging gently. “I’m so sleepy…” He whispered softly before letting out a quiet laugh.

“It’s not even noon yet, love.” The hands on his thighs pulled away before Hankook slowly peeled himself off Taehyun, trying his hardest to ignore the quiet whine that left the younger as he did so. “I have to clean us up, don’t look at me like that.” 

“Wanna sleep…” Was the only response he got as he pulled himself fully away from Taehyun, ripping the condom off and tying it up with a disgusted look on his face. 

“We can nap after, we can’t sleep like this, it’s gross.” Hankook stood from his spot on the bed, stretching his arms above his head lazily. “I’d prefer it if you’d let me run a bath for you, but I know that’s hoping for too much from you.” He teased lightly.

“You know me so well.” Taehyun smiled softly, his eyes slipping back shut as the adrenaline slowly faded from his body. 

Hankook laughed quietly as he slipped his sweatpants back on, making his way to the bathroom to grab something to clean Taehyun off.

By the time he returned Taehyun already seemed asleep so Hankook took his time wiping him down, making sure the younger was cleaned to his satisfaction. It didn’t take long for him to finally end up back in the bed, his arms wrapped comfortably around his boyfriend who had woken up from his body being readjusted.

“You know I love you, right?” Hankook breathed out against Taehyun’s hair, feeling as the younger’s arms wrapped around his center.

“Of course I know that, idiot. You never shut up about it.” Taehyun grumbled into his chest before he relaxed slightly, “I love you too, Hannie.” 

Hankook smiled gently before kissing the top of Taehyun’s head, “I know,” he whispered, letting his head finally fall back against the pillows under him.

Chapter Text

Taehyun doesn’t think he’s woken up feeling this sore since the night he returned from the hospital, but there's a difference in the aches he's feeling today. A pleasant kind of ache that courses through his body gently as he stretches his limbs across the bed. 

He groans as he finally sits up, choosing to ignore the cold space next to him for his own sanity. His legs feel like they’re about to fall from his body as he slings them over the side of the bed, forcing himself to stand from the warmth. He shivers lightly as he pads over to the dresser, ruffling around until he finds an oversized shirt of his boyfriend’s before tugging it over his head. He looks a little longer until he finds a pair of underwear to toss on.

He shuffles around the room a bit more, cleaning up the evidence of the night before, knowing that he’d never hear the end of it from their youngest if he didn’t. When Taehyun finally emerges from the bedroom he’s met with the dorm eerily quiet, only hearing the quiet murmur from the living room tv. 

Taehyun’s steps are quiet as he stumbles his way to the kitchen, searching for Hankook as he goes. He huffs softly when he doesn’t find him, deciding to make himself something to drink instead. 

He’s not alone for long, turning his head from his phone when he hears familiar steps making their way into the room with him. He smiles as Hankook’s face floods with relief at the sight of him and he makes his way over to him, immediately running a hand through the messy hair on top of Taehyun’s head. 

“You sleep okay, love?” The words are soft, but Taehyun can see the slight smirk grazing his boyfriend’s face. He rolls his eyes in faux annoyance before puckering his lips up at Hankook, only giving a soft hum in response to the question. Lips pressed gently to his, making him softly smile into the kiss before pulling away. 

“Where were you when I woke up?” 

Hankook chuckled softly, “I was in the shower again, cause someone decided he wanted to spontaneously jump me last night.” The hand in Taehyun’s hair fell to his cheek, stroking gently along his cheekbone. “We should get you cleaned up too, you’re a mess, baby.”

Taehyun pouted lightly, “Did you just indirectly call me gross?” He knows he is, and a warm shower would probably make him feel a lot better, but he can’t help but feel too tired to get back up. 

“Maybe.” The smirk Hankook wore was devilish, making Taehyun scrunch his nose at him. The two sat in silence for a few more minutes, Taehyun sipping quietly on his tea as he let his head fall onto Hankook’s shoulder. 

The quiet of the room was nice, but Taehyun was slowly starting to get bored again, he sighed softly before setting his mug down and stretching. 

“You both look like you got mauled,” An amused voice broke the silence, Taehyun flinched slightly at the intruder before glaring at Donghyun who was making his way over to the cabinets in the corner of the kitchen. 

“Can you mind your business for once?” He shot back defensively, though there was no malice in his tone, too tired to put on too much of a show. His mood was too good to ruin with annoying remarks from the older boy. 

“I’m just saying! Care to tell? Is he good in bed?” Donghyun teased with a soft laugh, earning a groan from the leader who was still sitting next to Taehyun. 

“I don’t know, why are you curious about how my boyfriend is in bed? Care to get laid for once?” 

“By him? Absolutely not, no thank you.” Donghyun sat across from the couple, eyes panning between the two of them with a soft smile. “I haven’t seen you this well rested in months, it had to be good. Come on man, just let me be nosey.”

Taehyun huffed, his face started to feel hot under the scrutiny. “Well- I mean, it was fine.” He mumbled, turning his head away to avoid eye contact with either of them. “I don’t know what you want me to say, like- no actually, I’m not getting into this with you.”

“Oh come on, don’t be a prude. I know too much about you. And prig over here won’t tell me anything either.” Hankook glared at Donghyun before rolling his eyes. 

“I’m not a prig, you’re just too curious about our bedroom activities.” He mumbled, his tone sounded grumpy, but the two boys in the room could hear that he was trying not to laugh afterwards.

“Well I’m sorry, I don’t know the in and outs of gay sex. Can’t a dude be curious?” 

Taehyun snorted softly, “I don’t know what's more interesting, the fact that you’re somehow straight , or the fact that you’re curious about our gay sex specifically. Again, just get laid man.” 

“You think I haven’t been trying? Cut me some slack, I need to know about it before trying right?” Donghyun snickered, pointedly ignoring the look of shock that spread between the two in front of him. 

“You-” Taehyun sputtered before shaking his head, as if that would somehow fix the fact that he feels like he just got shot, “Trying to- What? Hold on, you’re straight right? No, I know you are. Like- We’ve already had this conversation, hyung.”

“Again, can’t I be a little curious?” 

“You can be- but this also came out of nowhere.” Hankook looked confused, his eyebrows furrowing as he leaned back in his seat slightly. “You’ve thought about this way too much for this to be new.” 

“No shit, Hankook. Thanks for stating the obvious.” Donghyun rolled his eyes at the leader, his shoulders shrugging up slightly. “I don’t know, just had an epiphany or something recently. You think I’d be bothering you otherwise?”

“Absolutely.” “Yes.” Both answers came at the same time, making the three of them laugh. “Look, hyung. I don’t know what to tell you other than, we had fun. That’s it. That’s all you need to know. If you need some more information, go watch porn or something.” 

Donghyun groaned quietly, letting his head fall against the wooden table quietly, “Man, porn is so unrealistic. Don’t throw me to the wolves.” He heard a quiet laugh from the two in front of him before sitting up slightly, “I mean- I guess I could ask Havit-hyung but that feels… Weird…”

Taehyun’s eyes narrowed slightly, taking in the quiet resignation in Donghyun’s tone. “Don’t tell me he was your ‘gay awakening’.” He lightly scolded, “Havit-hyung isn’t very keen on relationships at the moment. I wouldn’t even bother if I were you.”

“You think I don’t know this? He tells me everything, of course I know this.” Donghyun groaned in slight annoyance before sitting up slowly. “Whatever, I’ll figure something out. Wasn’t really planning on going through a sexuality crisis at almost twenty-five, but hey- nothing I can do about it.” 

“There are more queer people in the industry than you realise, hyung. I promise you can find someone to experiment with, but don’t do that to Havit-hyung. He’s been through enough of that.”

Donghyun sighed, “I wouldn’t call experimenting, that just sounds like I wanted to use him.” 

“Well? Is that not what was implied?”

He froze slightly, sitting up from his crouched position. “No. I… I’ve already come to terms with it actually. Sure, it was completely left field, especially since I only started to understand it recently… But I don’t know, I think I just took a while to realize...” Donghyun licked at his lip nervously, “I mean- imagine going twenty-four years thinking you’re straight, and all of a sudden you’re sitting in your best friend’s bedroom realizing that none of this feels casual anymore.

“To make it even worse, this best friend of yours just recently got out of a serious relationship, and is saying he gives up on trying again. So you just have to keep your mouth shut, to save your friendship from completely falling apart.”

“You sound just like I did before I got sick.” Taehyun laughed softly, though it was a bit pained. “If you really do like him, and this isn’t just some… Experiment. I really don’t see why you can’t just tell him. He’s not some cruel entity that would ruin your guy’s friendship over a crush.” 

“It’s not that I’m afraid of him rejecting me. I’ve been rejected so many times that it almost doesn’t bother me now.” He’s silent for a moment, trying to think of how to word his next sentence. “I think it just makes me feel… Inexperienced? In comparison. Like- I feel like I’m a teenager again, nervous about liking someone older than me, but this time it’s worse because he’s older and has been in queer relationships before.

“I don’t want him to see me as someone who couldn’t be reliable because of this. I’m serious when I say that I’ve already thought about all of this.” Donghyun sighs softly, “There’s only so much silence you can take in the dorm before you start thinking interpersonally. And when you had gone to the hospital… Havit-hyung just.. Didn’t talk to anyone. Just radio silence from someone I’ve gotten used to being with.”

Taehyun hums, “Do you want to talk about it? We can go hide in your room for a minute.” His voice is soft as he sends a look to Hankook, silently asking the older to ensure the other members wouldn't bother them. Donghyun hummed softly, letting himself get dragged away by the blonde. 

“I don’t want to make it seem like I wasn’t worried about you, I really was, Tae.” He’s quiet as he sits on the edge of his bed, watching Taehyun make himself comfortable in the chair across from him.

“I know you were, but that’s not what this is about. Tell me what happened while I was gone, hyung has avoided the conversation since I got back.”

Donghyun exhaled slowly, running a hand through his hair before resting his elbows on his knees. He stared at the floor, trying to find the right words. “It wasn’t just silence, Taehyun. It was like… he wasn’t even here.”

Taehyun tilted his head slightly, listening intently.

“I mean, physically, yeah, he was in the dorm, in the practice rooms—but it was like he wasn’t really there. He’d go through the motions, he was always on edge. The whole week he was just… Angry. And when you didn’t wake up after two days he stopped coming out of his room.

“I wanted to go in there but… I don’t know, I guess I was scared. Of everything happening really. I mean- I didn’t even know how sick you were until the night you passed out, and… When we found out that hyung had known… Practically the whole time I just- couldn’t imagine what he was going through at that point.” 

Donghyun let out a humorless laugh, “I felt powerless, I couldn’t even help him when he was going through all of this.”

Taehyun nodded, “How did this… Make you realize you liked him? That’s what I can’t really wrap my head around.”

Donghyun hesitated, sighing before he continued. “I think it started before I found everything out really. I can’t pinpoint it exactly, but I definitely knew how I felt by that point. That week was just when I had to come to terms with it.

“I don’t want to say that you getting sick was a wakeup call, but it sure as hell felt like it. I just… spent the last three days in my room thinking, everything was so quiet. I mean- every once in a while someone had something to say, but Hankook had hardly come home, Yechan too. It was just silence the whole time. I had nothing to do but think about everything.”

Taehyun remained quiet, watching as Donghyun fidgeted with the hem of his sleeve. His voice was steady, but there was something heavy in it—something hesitant.

Donghyun exhaled sharply before continuing. “I kept replaying everything in my head—how we ended up here, how I didn’t even notice the signs with you. How Havit-hyung knew the whole time. I told myself I was worried about him because we’re close. Because I look up to him, because we all do. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized it wasn’t just that.”

Donghyun swallowed. “Like—like I missed him, but in a way that didn’t make sense.He was still here the whole time, but it wasn’t the same. At some point it kind of got into my dreams as well, I couldn’t even sleep to get away from it, because all I could think about was… If I were in Hankook’s shoes… If something had happened to him, like with you… I’d never be able to forgive myself for not helping sooner. And- I think that’s when I finally understood.”

Taehyun inhaled deeply, “Hyung that’s… Not just liking someone.” He knew that feeling, he understood just how fast it can get you, how it sneaks its way past what you know of yourself. Love has no barriers for those who feel everything. “That’s… Well, you know.”

“Even if I do know, it doesn’t change anything,” he muttered. “Havit-hyung is still… recovering. And I don’t want to throw this at him when he’s already had enough to deal with.”

Taehyun studied him for a moment before sighing. “I get it. You don’t want to make things harder for him.”

Donghyun nodded. “Exactly.”

“But what if you’re making things harder for yourself instead?”

Donghyun blinked, his face scrunching up in confusion, “What do you mean?”

“When I told you earlier that you sound just like I did before I got sick… I meant that, hyung. Prioritizing hyung’s feelings over your own health isn’t… The best idea. It’s a slippery slope. 

“When I first got sick I kept quiet because I was so afraid of Hannie finding out, I did so much research to try and find an at home remedy. I read on Reddit that smoking helped, I picked up smoking, I was ruining my lungs to try and kill the roots and it didn’t work. I distanced myself from everyone, you know how that panned out. You were all on edge for months, I ruined the trust I had because I was too afraid of everything.

“Hyung out of everyone here, I understand what you’re going through. I’ve been through it, I dealt with the consequences that came from it. I still have days that breathing feels like a chore. Don’t let it get to that point.”

“It won’t. What are the odds it happens to the both of us?”

“I wouldn’t rely on shifty statistics for your life, that was what hyung tried so hard to beat into my head for six whole months. When I tell you, it's not worth it. Just listen to me.”