Archive of Our Own ^beta

    Fuck... How long has it been since he left me? How long has it been since he was forced to leave because of me?

  I used to judge people all the time for falling in love and letting heart-break take ahold of all the remaining aspects of their lives.

  The difference is that we never wanted to seperate, life seperated us forcefully. I can't ever see his gorgeous jade eyes, I can't ever listen to his thoughts and be educated on things I would've never learned about if not for him. I'll never get to hear him make fun of my cooking ever again.

  I just want him back for a few minutes. I just want to see him, speak to him, hold him one last time. I want to get down on my knees and beg him for forgiveness. I want to make him laugh. I want to ask him if he's cold without me. Who makes sure he's healthy up there?

  I suppose nobody. It's not like health matters in the after-life.

  I just want him back. Even for a few seconds, I want the love of my life back. We were good people, we deserved a proper goodbye.

•••

  As Eiji forced himself out of the couch he'd been rotting in for who knows how long, he felt for the very first time that his all consuming grief would never let up.

  He found himself genuinely believing for the first time that he would be in this agonizing pain for the rest of his life, and even after his passing.

  It'd been two years. It'd been way too fucking long. He'd been grieving the  loss off his Ash way longer than the time they had together.

  He didn't know what to do, where to go, who to love, who to be; without Ash.

  He had shoved all the pictures he had taken of his lover in a cardboard box somewhere a year or two ago. Back when he felt angry and betrayed, soon after getting the news. He didn't know where that box was collecting dust at the moment, but something in him screamed, begged and cried at him to find that cursed box filled with pictures of his pulseless love.

  He dragged his exhausted steps into the attic. Exhaustion wasn't always physical. Eiji, as an ex-athlete had never known emotional exhaustion to this degree before he lost the man he wanted to share everything with. He never learnt what the fuck to do with this knowledge. Everyday he wished he'd never had to learn.

  There were only a few cardboard boxes in sight, so Eiji took a gamble. He decided on stabbing open every box just like that knife had stabbed through his lover's body  2 years ago, he'd keep stabbing until he found the pictures that would bring him all the answers.

  Though he was aware that no amount of pictures would provide him with answers realistically, he just wanted to see his boyfriend's face again. Was that so strange to others? He didn't know. He didn't know anything anymore.

  He got the first box in front of him. It was coated with dust. He didn't bother blowing it off, it's not like the layer of dust was his biggest problem.

  He stabbed it and ripped it apart. When he saw a few books and a notebook inside, he wanted to move on to the next box. These weren't his photos, these were Ash's stuff.

  But, would a dead man really mind his boyfriend reading his books and notes? Was it an invasion of privacy to read things that once belonged to someone you loved? Was Eiji even still considered Ash's lover?

  He sighed long and bothered before making up his mind. Ash never hid anything  from Eiji unless he absolutely had to for his protection during his life. And Eiji just wanted a glimpse into Ash's mind, perhaps reminisce about their late night conversations a little. Was that so wrong?

  He sorted though the books, blowing the dust off of every single one with incredible care before stacking them neatly on top of each other. He knew Ash would never come back to his books, but he still once cared about these books so dearly. And anything Ash loved and cared about was equally precious to Eiji.

  Eiji knew this better than anyone. He could tell the entire plot of each of Ash's books just from staring at the covers. Ash loved telling Eiji about the things he'd read, and Eiji loved listening to him speak about things he adored. It was a win-win.

  All that remained in the box was one notebook, two fountain pens and a gun. Since he had no use for the pens nor the gun, he instantly reached for the notebook.

  It was a simple, bright red notebook. It was worn out and the pages were crinkled with excessive use. He loved that about Ash, he gave his everything to the things and to the people that he loved.

   He placed a tender kiss on the cover of the notebook before opening up the first page.

  Ash's handwriting... Oh, how I've missed it.

  There were lots and lots of pages of idle writing, of Ash rambling about his plans to take down Dino, of his scribbles, and a list of books he wanted to read.

  Only a few books from that list were checked. Eiji felt his heart shatter with the weight of that reminder. The reminder that it was all too soon, all too unfair and that Ash was way too fucking young to go.

  Until...

  As he kept flipping through the pages, Eiji noticed a red post-it note sticking out from the rest of the pages. Only the corners were visible, it seemed as if Ash had used this paper as a bookmark.

  He instantly flipped the pages over to where the post-it note stood proud.

  It read "Eiji, read this."

•••

   Uh.. Hi Eiji. You know me, I don't really fuck with sentimental stuff like this. I'm only writing this because there are a few things that you need to know.

I can feel that my end is nearing and I don't want to leave you with no closure.

  I have no idea who this notebook will end up with, but if it isn't Eiji, stop reading my shit and give it to him.

  Anyways. Eiji, I know you probably never got to hear it while we were together, but I fucking love you. More than you'll ever comprehend.

  I don't know why you took a chance on someone like me, and to be honest, I never wanted you to take a chance on someone like me.

  Street kids like me, Eiji, we all will share a similar demise. I never wanted to make you a part of any of this, but the reason I'm telling you all of this is because I know you're going to blame the shit out of yourself.

  There's no need for any of that, love. I always knew it would end. It would've ended with or without you. You are NOT the one to blame no matter how I died.

  In fact, you're the one I'm thankful for right now and you're the one I'll be thankful for all eternity. You helped me dream when I didn't even know how to, your smiles put my suffering on hold, your cooking was the first time I ever ate a homecooked meal, "made with love".

  I'm so thankful that you loved me. There's nothing I blame you for, there never has been, and there never will be.

  Dont beat yourself up too much. I love you until I stop breathing. And since you're reading this now, I love you even when I'm no longer breathing.

Please pick yourself up. You're resilient, Eiji. Find something you're passionate for again, find someone to love again, help people again. I know you have it in you to.

  And if your heart ever skips a beat for someone else in the future, don't fucking hesitate or I'll haunt you. You have my full blessing. I don't care about this shit but I know you'd probably overthink it.

  Anything that makes you happy, Eiji, ANYTHING at all, go for it. Take that leap of faith, just the way you did on the day you saved me and Skip.

  I love you, Eiji. I'm trying to gather the courage to say it to you face to face, I've even been practising to myself. I don't know if I ever could say it, my foolishness and all considered, but know that it is absolutely true.

  Please forgive yourself first, and please forgive me later if you can find it in yourself to.

  Forever yours,

  Aslan Jade Callenreese

•••

  For the first time in two years, Eiji felt the hands of his lover on his heart again. This time, not making it skip multiple beats, but putting the pieces of it back together with his words.

  A weight lifted off his shoulders, and a lump placed itself in his throat.

  Nothing was fixed. Everything was still so, very wrong. But it was okay now. He knew he would make it out to the other side, because Ash had full confidence in Eiji's strength when he was alive, and when he wrote this letter.

  He would fight to find joy in living again for Ash, until he could start living for himself again.

  All he wanted all along was a proper goodbye; he always knew Ash would never come back.

  Now, he finally had closure, and he had the goodbye he always regretted not saying.

  He fell asleep in the attic with tear tracks on his red cheeks and Ash's notebook clutched tight to his chest.

fin. <3

"These are questions in  my head,

Answers I won't get,

Thoughts I never said,

That I kind of wish I did.

~Hayd // "Closure"