Chapter Text
Jesper
It was his smile Jesper missed the most. In the moments that he found himself drifting off in the chair across the room from Wylan’s bed, it always hit him. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen his omega smile. He could see the image of it in his mind as though it had been seared there permanently, but it paled in comparison to the real thing.
In the two weeks that followed their breakthrough, Wylan was at the forefront of his consciousness. He’d wake up afraid, or sometimes slip into episodes in which he was convinced it was the night of the auction once more. Those moments were terrifying, and it was almost impossible to bring the omega back from them without the help of Nina. All he could do was watch him fall into the void whilst standing steadily on the edge of the abyss, clutching at air.
The rest of the time, Jesper was stuck between a rock and a hard place. He wanted to hug him, hold him close or try to crack a joke, but it never felt like the right moment for any of those things. Even if it did make the alpha in him ache with longing. Other than he and Matthias, Wylan hadn’t even spent time alone with any of the crows. His own pack. And Jesper had no idea how to go about fixing any of it. And so he fought his natural instincts and refrained from, well, being himself.
For now, he found himself watching Wylan sleeping softly. He watched the light breaths escaping his lips, the slow rise and fall of his chest as his eyelids stood still and strong. As much as he missed him when he was, Jesper felt guilty about how happy he was when the omega was asleep. He couldn’t do anything wrong when he was. And even more shamefully, he was able to finally relax.
The only thought that kept him going was the recovery. The life that they could share once Wylan was ready, hell he’d do anything to make sure it was the content, comfortable…perfect life that he deserved. He couldn’t wait for the affection and the laughter, the yearning for it was never ending and fraught with frustration.
The others could sense that and were always there when it got too strong. Suddenly Nina would need a hand with some cooking, Matthias would want to speak about a breakthrough with Wylan, Inej would ask for help with the omegas. Even Kaz would call him up for a job. But nothing would ever be equal to the time and presence of his mate now. Nothing would replace a soft touch or look of affection, the feeling that he was protecting and doing right by his mate-
Across from him, Wylan began to stir. Adorably, he sat up and rubbed his eyes, looking across the room half-awake with tousled curls that looked so soft and perfect on him. Jesper held back, resisting the urge to greet him, but he still felt his heart leap in anticipation. The sharp intake of breath constricting his chest as he waited for which Wylan he would get today.
“Jesper?”
The alpha yawned, trying to disguise his sigh of relief. This was the Wylan he remembered, not that he wanted the omega to feel as though he had to be that again, especially after what he’d been through. But it was selfishly the most comforting and familiar version of him.
“Good morning sunshine. How are you feeling today?”
“I’m okay.”
“Good. What do you say about a bit of breakfast then? We could go and get something for you in the kitchen?”
He saw Wylan tense up almost immediately.
“Or I could bring something to you?”
“Y-yes please.”
“Of course, what would you like? Fruit? Porridge? A sweet treat?”
“Could I have some fruit please?”
“Of course you can, I’ll be a few minutes then we can have a proper chat.”
He knew it had been a long shot, but Wylan coming back to him had felt like a miracle enough. How they’d even found each other was a miracle to begin with. Hoping for another one didn’t feel quite so far away. He’d held out some faith in the omegas need to be around his pack and home, but he’d settle for him speaking to him at least.
Instead he scurried down the steps to find some fruit, feeding the younger boy soothed his inner alpha, even if only a fraction. He darted around, searching out what they had when someone’s head peered out from around the door.
”In the bottom drawer, it was Nina’s idea, she knew he’d want fruit. Would you tell him that please?”
”Of course. He’s getting there Matthias, he is. I know it’s affecting you all.”
”We all just want him to be better soon.”
”I’ll call you if he asks for you today.”
”Okay, thank you.”
Once he’d put together a small banquet of every kind of seemingly every fruit that the market had that morning, Jesper clambered back up the steps, edging around the huge pile of fresh sheets, pillows and blankets he had been hoarding outside his room.
He noticed Wylan flinch as he entered, but did his best to pretend he hadn’t. Instead he waited for the omega to give him a signal that it was okay for him to approach, which he got in the form of a barely visible head nod.
“This is for you.”
Wylan took the bowl gingerly, his eyes widening at the feast in front of him.
“Nina and Matthias went out to get some for you earlier. It was Nina’s idea, she’s really excited for you to come join us all when you’re up for it. Eat as much as you can, I’ll finish the rest.” He added upon seeing that overwhelmed reaction.
Wylan reached down, picking up the smallest but ripest strawberry he could. He stared at it for a little while, before carefully taking a small bite.
“I was thinking…” Jesper began. “Maybe we could build you a new nest? Or you build it and I just watch? I’ve been stockpiling everyone’s spare stuff and I thought it would be nice for you to have one again? It has been a while and I know you really liked having one before. But if you prefer the bed that’s fine too. Whatever you want.”
“Yes. Yes please.” Wylan blurted out, as though he’d been waiting for Jesper to ask, making him feel a little guilty.
“Good, okay great. Nest for one coming up.” Jesper declared a little too enthusiastically, jumping up and waving his arms about to overcompensate, almost making Wylan drop the bowl of fruit. “Sorry, my bad. That’s my fault.”
He noticed something, a flicker of an emotion he hadn’t seen Wylan wear before, but it disappeared before he could register it fully. Let alone ask about it.
“Well I’ll let you finish your breakfast and then we can get to work, in the meantime I shall prepare your materials.”
He half-bowed but then thought better of it, straightening up and hurrying outside to start bringing everything in. Despite being in pretty good physical condition, he may have paused for a rest once or twice, taking off his jacket and rolling up his sleeves. Once he was finally finished he stepped back to admire his handiwork, proud of himself and the sweat or two he'd broken. He went to check on Wylan's progress with breakfast, noticing his eyes quickly darting away from him as he did.
“Done with breakfast?”
Wylan nodded earnestly, but even from there Jesper could see he’d hardly made a dent in it.
“Positive?” Wylan nodded once more. “Okay, well you can leave it on the bed and if you get hungry you can pick at it?”
Wylan obediently left the bowl on the bed, and for the first time he voluntarily stepped out of it. Like Bambi on ice, he watched the omega wobble, clearly not used to being out and about. He lunged forwards instinctively, holding out his arms to catch the younger boy but then pulled away, letting Wylan steady himself and take a step closer to him. Something flashed across his face again, something new, but only for a second.
“There you go, well this is everything I could find. Only the best for my omeg-for you Wylan. Do you want me to help you or should I just get out of your way?”
Wylan paused, picking at the skin on his fingers as he lightly swayed on his feet, switching his weight from one to the other.
“You can help me.”
Unlike the first time he had helped Wylan, Jesper sat back. Even after being given permission to help, he felt like he was being intrusive. Instead he watched, eyes soft, as the omega started to craft a wall of pillows and sheets into a den. Before long, instinct guiding him, Wylan had constructed a den much neater and sturdier than his first creation. Jesper caught him looking back to see what he had contributed, eyes calling to the floor when he realised he hadn’t. Ignoring it, he climbed in quickly, burrowing inside in the warmth and comfort.
It felt like watching any ordinary omega in the barrel, and yet simultaneously nothing like that at all. Wylan wasn’t an ordinary omega. Not to him.
“What do you think?” He asked gently, eyes wide as he poked his head out and looked out for his approval.
“I think it’s a work of art. Maybe not one of your paintings, but still a work of art. Trust me I’d know all about that.” Jesper grinned, letting himself relax for the first time in a while. He suspected that had something to do with the warm mushy feeling coming from the bond with his omega.
“Thank you.”
“Do you want some space to get comfy?”
“W-would…would you want to maybe come in?”
Jesper froze. He knew that this was an invitation, Wylan had asked him to come in. And yet he couldn’t help but feel the weight of that. It had only been a few weeks or so since the omega’s ordeal and he didn’t want to push him, let alone trigger him. But the guilt of saying no, and his own desire to say yes gnawed at him angrily.
“I…Wylan I don’t…I’m not sure that-“
“It’s okay. Sorry.”
“No don’t be sorry, I didn’t want to make you…I...”
“It’s alright.”
Jesper internally groaned, he was doing the wrong thing again. He didn’t know how much more he could mess up before he lost Wylan entirely. Especially after everything. He sat back, looking for something else to bring up to distract them both from the car crash of a person he was - eyes finding the fox plushie.
“Oh wait, your den isn’t complete yet is it?”
He jumped up, retrieving the slightly more worn fox from the bed and holding it as though it were a real fox, before pretending it was struggling in his arms.
“Wily little fella isn’t he? Wait, did you ever give him a name?”
He could see from there that some of the skin around Wylan’s fingernails was now red raw or bleeding.
“I’m not a child Jesper.”
“Right. You’re right, I don’t know why I was…I didn’t mean it like that. It was just silly. I’m really mess-“
“Freddie.”
He looked up to catch a piercing set of brown eyes latched onto his.
“A great name.”
Jesper shuffled forward sheepishly and then passed Freddie into the den, careful not to catch Wylan’s hand as he did so.
”Am I doing something wrong Wylan?” The alpha asked, something catching in his chest as he said it. He was surprised that he’d said it, but he’d wanted to ask for the last two weeks now.
“You don’t want me anymore.”
Jesper almost choked aloud.
“What?”
“That’s it isn’t it? It’s different now. I understand.” It started to burst out of him like he’d been holding it all in for quite some time. Half anxious and half frustrated.
“No it isn’t. Wylan it’s not that I don’t want you-“
“It’s what happened isn’t it? I’m stupid. Weak. Broken.”
He said it so matter-of-factly that he didn’t know how to respond. As though he was repeating a mantra he’d been forced to believe.
“You changed your mind. It’s okay.”
Wylan pulled his fox plushie towards him, clutching it in his arms, using the scent to help calm him. He looked so small as he did it.
Jesper went to say something, anything. To correct him, reiterate any of the things he’d said when Wylan came back to him, anything. But he’d been so caught off guard at the realisation that he was pushing Wylan away rather than protecting him that words all but failed him.
“Jesper-“ Inej had poked her head around the door. “Oh sorry I didn’t realise you were busy-“
“No if you need me, sorry Wylan I’ll be back in just a second alright?”
Before he’d gotten a response Jesper had dashed out of the room, almost bumping into the pack’s only other omega as he did.
“Inej, I need to speak to you.”
“Why are you running?”
“I’m not running.”
“I just saw you.”
“I was walking briskly.”
“Running.”
“Stepping with haste.”
“Whatever. Why Jesper?” She asked, half serious and half smiling.
“I think I’ve been really stupid.”
“What did you say now?”
“No it’s just…Inej I just wanted to be careful. I care about him a lot and I didn’t want him to feel rushed or pressured. I thought he’d need more time, but the bond and everything? It feels like too much has happened and we need time and space but at the same time it feels wrong.”
”Slow down, it’s okay. Has he said something?”
”He thinks I don’t want him. He thinks I think he’s weak, or broken. I didn’t mean to…have I made him think that?”
“I see.” She leaned against the wall, crossing her arms and gazing off into the floorboards. “Jesper I think he’s just been reminded of the life he was forced to be in the past few years. It makes sense that everything he was told has come to the surface again. But if there’s anyone that can make him see otherwise it would be you.”
“He thinks I don’t want him anymore, is it wrong if I do go in there and be all physically affectionate. Am I taking advantage or…am I hurting him?”
Inej looked up at him, sightly pained expression on her face as she glanced up.
“It’s hard, to come back from something like that. You do need time and space, but I think the most important person to ask is back in your room. You two are a team now, you need to be able to be honest and speak to one another. This whole situation is enough without an alpha-omega bond. At least I can imagine…find out what he needs. Ask him.”
Jesper leaned against the wall beside her, letting out a hollow laugh as he did.
“Ghezen I’m a fool aren’t I? It was that easy. And I’ve left him there after he just confessed what he thought.” He slapped a hand across his forehead.
“Are you okay Jes?”
“Me? I’m fine.”
“It’s okay if you’re not.”
It struck something deep within him, Jesper wasn’t sure what but that sentence kicked something into gear. He coughed, and brushed it off.
“I should speak to him, you were right. Thanks Inej, as always.”
She nodded, still a note of concern that he was sure they would speak on more soon, but for now he needed to get back to Wylan. He flittered back along the hallway to his room, knocking and then stepping in slowly.
“Wylan?”
The omega was huddled in the corner of his nest, eyes looking somewhat bloodshot and sore. The sight only made him hate himself all the more.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, I understand it. Will I have to go through the rejection syndrome again? Can I stay here until I find somewhere please?”
“No! No, sorry. No. Wylan I meant what I said before, I wasn’t just saying all of that. Of course I want you. I’ve thought about you every second of every day since we’ve met, and nothing could change that. Especially now we’re bonded. I thought I was giving you space and letting you be in control. That’s why I’ve been an idiot. I genuinely thought that was a good idea, not because I don’t want or love you-“
He realised what he’d just said. Feeling his skin pale and the whites of his eyes begin to show. He froze, risking a glance at the omega opposite him who was stuck in a state of shock. He hadn’t admitted that had he? Had he even known that he loved Wylan?
He saw it, in the way that Kaz subtly protected Inej. In the way his mother and father had never left one another’s side, in the hugs and giggles that Nina and Matthias shared. He thought he’d never be worthy of any of it, that he wasn’t cut out for that. He could dabble in it sure, but no one would ever stick around long enough to make him believe he was. But he’d just said it out loud. And suddenly he was sick to his stomach with anxiety.
“You love me?”
“I really should get a muzzle or something-“
“I love you too.”
“What?”
”I love you too.”
”Just one more time?”
And there it was, that dazzling smile. That cheeky, innocent, bright, subtle, perfect smile. The one that lit up the room with enough light that the barrel would’ve believed the moon couldn’t exist anymore. Just as he’d remembered it.
Just hearing that alone was like the rush of adrenaline he got from a fight. The sound of a bullet flying through the air exactly as he’d intended it, controlled and precise. This was anything but. And yet a thousand times better.
“I’ve never not felt safe with you Jesper. You just d-don’t need to handle me with kid gloves.”
“I’m sorry, I won’t anymore you have my word. You just tell me what you need and I’ll-“
“Can I have a hug please?”
He melted on the spot, becoming a puddle of joy and love and relief. He’d never have asked for one, but it was all he wanted in that moment. This was the dream that lulled him off to sleep every night, the light that kept him wading through the dark, this.
“I can manage that.” Jesper chuckled, sinking to his knees and crawling into the nest beside his omega. Once he was there he hesitated, before Wylan leaned forward. Taking that lead, Jesper enveloped the younger boy in his arms. Holding him tightly and securely, in it the promise of their lives together being prosperous and safe. He’d do whatever it took. Just having him in his arms like this set his protective instincts into overdrive, all he wanted was to make this man happy.
He heard the rumbling of a low purr, as Wylan burrowed his head into Jesper’s shoulder. The alpha in him almost folding in on itself. He could feel the equally radiant and overpowered feeling of love and happiness from Wylan’s side of the bond. In this moment they were one, truly one and the same.
Wylan shifted back, allowing Jesper to sit with his back against the wall of the nest.
“Are you alright?”
”Me? Why do people keep asking me that?” Jesper laughed it off.
”I want to know.”
The bond seemed to have provided some security, a surety, in Wylan that had been tucked away before. Even before he’d been taken they were getting closer to this, but he’d still been hesitating. Now, bonded, he seemed a lot more open to being vocal and honest. It made him feel so proud.
”I’m alright, I’m always alright.”
”Okay.”
”Are you alright?”
”I think I could be one day. I still keep seeing them. I wake up and I’m there, I sleep and I’m there. Everything they did. It’s like all the scars are open again. I just want to feel you there instead. Not them anymore.”
”Okay, I can do that.”
”Are you sure you’re okay Jesper?”
He paused. If Wylan could talk about his pain, Jesper could let the lid off of his.
”It’s not been easy to see you like this, but it can’t be anything compared to what you went through.”
”But we’ll be better won’t we? Both of us? We’re getting better? Together?”
”I think we are, my omega.” Jesper mumbled affectionately, reaching for the younger boy’s hand as he rubbed his thumb over his knuckles comfortingly but still slightly hesitantly.
The omega paused, clearly torn between the past and his own instincts, before he accepted this, curled up, and placed in his head in his alpha’s lap. Still purring, eyes closing sleepily.
“Wylan is this okay? If you fall asleep?”
“Please stay.”
“Okay of course. Always Wy.”
And for the first time since he’d met Wylan he knew that he would too.