Chapter Text
It’s 3 AM and Minori can’t sleep.
She took a shower as soon as she got home, dodging her parents’ concerned question about why she was out so late, and threw the clothes she wore deep into the back corner of her closet, where she’ll hopefully never see them again.
The notes, the comments, the fan—Akito’s assertions, Airi’s support, her own hope—they all battle it out in her head. She stares at the ceiling in her bed, rest escaping her.
Being alone in her room was supposed to help her recuperate and feel better, but it has only trapped her in her own mind. She wants to leave, but going out at night now fills her with terror.
She doesn’t want her family to see her like this.
But there is one place she can go that she knows will be safe.
Minori grabs her phone, dressed in the comfiest pajamas she owns, and plays the song.
The Sekai looks just like it always does—lights and stages as far as the eye can see, an infinite sea of color.
But.
It’s quiet.
There's almost always a show going on nearby when she and the others enter, or at least one of the Virtual Singers nearby, but the Sekai seems to be completely deserted around her. Do Vocaloids sleep? She never thought about it before.
She didn’t exactly come here to talk to them, but she isn't prepared to still be alone. She hesitantly picks a random direction to start walking in, if only to distract herself from her thoughts.
She has been walking for maybe ten minutes when she spots a figure on a stage not too far from her. Judging by their size, it must be KAITO.
Relieved, she jogs up to the stage, but freezes when she finally gets close enough to see his expression. Minori has seen KAITO smile and laugh, and has also occasionally seen him frown and worry, but never this.
His face is completely blank, even if everything else about him appears the same.
“Hello?” Minori calls out softly.
KAITO turns his head towards her, his expression not changing. He doesn’t say anything to her, but Minori comes closer anyway, a voice in her head telling her that she shouldn’t leave him alone.
“Are you ok?” she asks.
KAITO stares at her for a few seconds, as if not comprehending her words. Eventually, some recognition enters his eyes and he nods. “I think so.”
His voice is a little more than a whisper. That isn’t very convincing.
Now thoroughly concerned, Minori leads him backstage to sit on a bench, away from the glaring multicolored lights on stage.
Minori is struck by the realization that she doesn’t know how to help him, and doesn't know if she can help him at all. She feels horrible for it. She has always relied on him for help from the first day she met him, but can’t even return the favor after seeing him in this dissociated state.
“Do you want me to find the others?” Minori asks, fretting over his seated form on the bench. “I’m sure they’re not far.”
“Please don’t,” KAITO mutters, staring at the wall.
“But…don’t you want them to help?”
“I don’t want them to see me like this.”
Minori can’t imagine Miku and the others ever judging KAITO for something like this. Something about his words also disturbed a deep part of her, a part she isn’t ready to confront on her own, but she ignores her own thoughts and focuses on KAITO.
He’s pulling at the hem of his shirt, which she now notices is wrinkled and off-white. The skin around his lips are cracked, and the eye-bags sink deep into his cheeks. Minori’s heart breaks for him.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Minori asks, desperate to do anything to help him.
KAITO tentatively nods his head, then says, “I don’t know how.”
“Well, how are you feeling right now?”
KAITO shrugs, playing with a dark blue strand of hair near his ear. “Lost…Like I can’t find myself anymore.”
“What do you mean?”
He gives her a look that pierces through her defenses. “I think you already know.”
Minori gulps. “Are you like this because of me?” As much as she doesn’t want to believe it, that makes the most sense. Everything she is seeing and hearing from KAITO reminds her uncomfortably of herself, like she is looking into a mirror. He shows the thoughts she tries hard to hide from herself plainly for her to see.
“Partly,” KAITO admits, sounding more tired than Minori ever heard him. “This Sekai reflects all of you, not just your hopes. We aren’t copies of each other—I’m still my own person, my own thoughts. But,” he sighs, the tension leaving his body, “we get influenced by you. We are born by your combined feelings, and when one of those feelings changes, we change too.”
“But that’s not fair. Why is your happiness dependent on ours?”
“Not necessarily. Your life has affected mine, but I still have my own experiences. We’re not the same person. This is something I need to fix on my own.”
Minori feels horribly guilty, but pushes her own feelings aside. KAITO is what's important right now. She can deal with herself later.
“Why don’t you want the others to see you like this?” Minori tries. All the Vocaloids are close, she can see it in the way Miku teaches Rin new moves, in the way MEIKO would brush Luka’s hair and Luka would tie ribbons in MEIKO’s, in the way Len follows KAITO across multiple stages, eager to learn from KAITO’s expertise.
They would want to help him.
Just like her friends want to help her.
Huh. It’s such a simple realization. So simple that Akito told her this just yesterday: “She would want to be interrupted for something like this.” But Minori hadn’t really thought about what that meant until now.
She’s so embarrassed, so ashamed of herself, but she hadn’t thought about how the others must be feeling seeing her like this. She tries to put herself in their position, and she now understands why Airi looked so devastated last night in front of her apartment.
Even in her suffering, she’s selfish.
“I don’t want to bother them,” KAITO answers.
Minori straightens her back and places both her hands on his shoulders, doing her best to embody the comfort Akito gave her. “They want to be bothered by you. They love you, don’t hide from them.”
KAITO’s tired face looks up at her. Minori can see the anxiety roll in his blue eyes. “I’m scared,” he admits.
Minori hugs him.
He tenses, then brings his arms around her to hug her back.
“I am, too,” she whispers, “but we got to tell them how we feel. We want them near us, and they want us near them, so why should we stop that?”
“Can we tell them together?” KAITO asks, timid in a way she’s never heard him before.
“Of course,” she replies without hesitation. “We’ll all go to the Sekai during our lunch break, and we’ll rip the bandage off. It’ll get better, I promise.”
KAITO finally smiles. It brings some collar back to his pale face. “Ok.”
…
Helping KAITO illuminated more about herself than she likes to admit.
The thought of telling the others about how she really feels—about the notes, about the hate, about the “fan”—makes her feel nauseous, but she knows it’s the right thing to do, both for herself and for them.
She enters school the next morning with her head held high. She walked Samo-chan as usual before school, feeling calmer being out in the early morning light than she was last night, and once again met Mochizuki with her dog.
Mochizuki had frowned in concern at the bags under her eyes, but Minori feels confident in her next steps.
Once again, she stands in front of her shoe locker. This time not filled with fear, but determination.
She opens the small locker, and the now familiar pink slip of paper flutters down between her feet.
She refuses to be scared.
She leans down and picks up the note. Her hands almost open it on instinct, but she stops herself at the last second. She shouldn’t torture herself. They’ll read it together in the Sekai.
There’s a tap on her shoulder, which makes her jerk in surprise.
“Oh, sorry Minori,” says Kohane’s sweet voice. Minori turns to look at her guilty expression. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“It’s ok, I’m just a bit jumpy,” Minori admits, trying to calm down her racing heart.
Kohane purses her lip and gives her a concerned look. “You got another one of those?”
“Huh? Oh, this?” Minori reluctantly lifts up the pink slip in her hand, not wanting to lie and hide it again.
Kohane nods, then after a second she gives Minori a deep bow. Minori blushes, and some people around them give Kohane odd looks, but her face shows only resolve.
“Minori,” she says with a hard voice. “I read one of those notes without your permission last week.”
Minori’s hands freeze, clenching the note tight in her grip. “What?”
“The one you threw away. I noticed something was up, so I dug it out and read it. I’m sorry for invading your privacy, but…”
Kohane straightens up. Minori gasps at the fire in her eyes.
“I want to help you. Whoever is leaving those notes is horrible, and I want to find and stop them. Please allow me to!”
Minori almost cries. How could she not see this before? How could she not see the friends she has all around her?
Minori smiles wide and true. “You’re such a good friend, Kohane. I want to talk with my group mates first, but thank you for letting me know that I can count on you, too.”
Kohane nods, willing to follow her choices. They make their way down the hall to the classroom side by side. Minori feels safe next to Koahe’s small but proud steps.
Standing in front of the class door, however, is Shiho—arms crossed and sporting a scowl that sets deeper into her face when she spots Minori.
“Hinomori-san,” Kohane respectfully greets, though she doesn’t smile like she usually does. “Do you need something?”
Shiho scoffs, ignoring Kohane and looking at Minori like she’s gum on the bottom of her shoe. “You said you were going to help my sister clean up after the stream.”
Oh.
Guilt crashes into her. She had been so focused on herself that she ignored a promise she had made.
“Stop taking advantage of her,” Shiho continues, hands on her hips. “Shizuku might be gullible, but I know a bad friend when I see one.”
“Don’t say that to her,” Kohane snaps. “You don’t know her at all if you think that.”
“Stay out of this, Azusawa.”
It’s all too much. “I’m sorry,” Minori whispers, trying to blink the growing tears out of her eyes.
Kohane’s face collapses in sorrow. Shiho blinks at Minori, as if just seeing her for the first time despite her words, and starts to look a bit uncomfortable.
But before anyone can say anything else, an unfamiliar but happy voice calls out: “Shiho!”
They all turn to look at another student, one with pretty blonde pigtails tied up high on her head and wide pink eyes. Tenma is her name, if Minori recalls correctly, though she doesn’t know her personally.
Tenma tilts her head in confusion as she takes in the scene they make. With Minori cowering and Kohane and Shiho looking aggressive, it paints a bad picture. Minori can’t bring herself to explain what happened.
“Is everything all right?” Tenma asks, a worried frown growing.
Shiho mutters something unintelligible under her breath and quickly rushes down the hallway, shoulders hunched and ignoring Tenma’s surprised call.
Tenma looks at the two of them and opens her mouth as if to say something, but seems to decide against it at the last second and quickly follows after Shiho without another glance.
Minori and Kohane stand in silence. Minori brings the back of her hand up to wipe the small tears that pricked in her eyes, and shakes her head when Kohane starts to speak.
Kohane deflates and lightly touches Minori’s arm, bringing her into the classroom. Minori’s grateful.
Minori understands that Shiho’s just protective over Shizuku. She gets that, she’s the same way over her own brother despite how different they are. But those words hit the same fragile part of herself that the notes did. Stop taking advantage of her, bad friend…
Kohane gives her concerned glances from her desk throughout the lesson, and Minori tries her best to give her a reassuring smile. She just needs to talk to Haruka, Airi, and Shizuku during lunch in the Sekai. That’s all she needs to do for now.
That’s her first step, even if everything else feels impossible right now.
When lunch finally rolls around, Minori gets up and walks out the classroom door without another glance back. Kohane runs up after her.
“Minori, are you ok?” she asks, pulling at her pigtails.
“I will be,” Minori insists. Something must show on her face, because Kohane sighs and nods, heading back inside the classroom to eat her lunch.
Minori squares her shoulders and makes her way to the staircase that leads to the roof. Some people try to greet her as she walks by, but she can’t bring herself to pay them any mind.
She takes step after step on the stairs, her heart racing but her mind surprisingly calm. Each step feels like a shackle on her soul lifts away, like a bird finally let out of a cage.
She’ll talk to Shizuku and apologize for the stream. She’ll thank Airi for all she did for her last night and apologize for worrying her. She’ll be open with Haruka, and treat her like the close friend she is instead of an idol to mask around. She’ll get Akito’s contact information and give him a gift for helping her and maybe they could be friends. She’ll help KAITO feel safe and comforted by the other Vocaloids.
She’ll be better. She’ll be safe.
For once, she’s feeling truly hopeful about the whole situation.
She makes it to the second floor. She has to round the corner to continue up another flight of stairs to the roof, but there is someone in the way. It’s a girl that Minori doesn’t recognize, her black hair tied in a high ponytail and glasses sitting crookedly on her face. She’s short, and Minori thinks she’s a first year student like her.
The girl’s face is flushed red. Is she sick? Minori draws closer to her, mouth open to ask if she’s ok, but the girl glares at her with so much hatred that Minori freezes.
“You didn’t even read it this time,” the girl mutters. “Are you gonna tell them about it? Drag them down to your level?”
Minori looks on in confusion, though suspicion starts to itch at the back of her mind. The girl starts to breathe heavily, looking like she’s on the verge of either a panic attack or hysterical laughter.
“Why won’t you just leave them alone?” she whispers, staring at her with dark eyes. “I should get rid of you for them.”
The girl’s hands raise from where they were clenched at her sides. Minori watches them, almost like she’s in slow motion, but she can’t seem to move.
Her hands touch Minori’s shoulders. Minori briefly thinks about how warm the hands are, and how similar they are to that “fan” from yesterday, before she gets pushed.
She feels herself fall backwards. She remembers that she’s standing at the top of the stairs. She tries to catch her footing, but her shoes meet air. Her arms scramble to the side, reaching for the railing, but she already knows that it’s too far away so instead she makes the split second decision to wrap her arms around her head.
And she falls.
Everything fuzzes over, and in the next blink she’s on the first floor, the breath knocked out of her. Her ears are ringing.
Someone has her in their arms. She’s looking straight up at their face, but for some reason she can’t see any details or even colors. Did they catch her?
She starts to hear muffled voices, angry and thumping against her eardrum. Her vision finally clears, and she sees the deep blue hair she loves so much. Haruka. Her face is distraught in a way Minori has never seen. Her mouth is agape in horror, and her eyes are wide and terrified.
Minori wants to put her hand to her cheek, to wipe away that fear, but her hand won’t listen to her brain.
The shouting gets louder, though she can’t make out any words. She looks up the stairs (did she just fall down that? It’s so tall…) and sees Shizuku’s unmistakably long pale hair. She’s yelling at a girl, screaming at her face.
Who is that girl again? Minori feels like she should know her. Is she a first year?
Haruka brings a soft hand to her face, turning her eyes away from the fight and back towards her. Minori sees her lips move, and she thinks that the words might be are you ok?
She can’t hear herself, but she tries to reply, you saved me.
Haruka gives her a wobbly smile, tears running down her face. Minori didn’t mean to make her cry.
Another girl comes into her view. It might be Asahina, since all she can see is dark purple hair. She thinks she hears the words nurse and ambulance and please thrown around, but her eyes finally grow too heavy to keep open and everything goes black.
…
Awareness comes back slowly, then all at once.
Minori blinks. White is all around her. There is a brace around her neck, and it’s incredibly itchy. Her arms lie over the blanket, some wires connecting from it to bags around her.
It’s cold.
She glances to the right and sees Haruka slumped in a chair, her hair mussed and dried tear tracks staining her cheek. The curtains at the window behind her are open, basking her in a light glow. Against the wall is a table full of flowers, cards, and gifts, but Minori can’t read the writing on them from her position.
No one else is in the room.
Minori takes a minute to breathe and think back to the last thing she remembers. She can recall that someone pushed her down the stairs, but not what her face looked like. She must have been injured on the way down, but she doesn’t recall how.
She’s fairly certain that Haruka had caught her before she hit the first floor. She remembers her arms around her, and the way she was slowly lowered to the floor.
She remembers Haruka’s tears. Shizuku’s shouts. What did she say?
She remembers Asahina, and then a nurse standing above her. Medics and a stretcher, and the door closing on Haruka and Airi’s faces in the ambulance. She isn’t sure where Shizuku went, or when Airi came into the scene.
Haruka stirs next to her. Minori watches her blink a few times at the window’s morning light. Minori feels a bit silly for it, but even now she can’t help but think that Haruka’s beautiful. Her blue eyes widen when they meet Minori’s.
“You’re awake!” Haruka cries, spilling out of her chair and leaning over the bed, coming face to face with Minori.
Despite her confusion, Minori can’t help but blush at the close proximity, but it doesn’t last long as she gets a closer look at how tired and miserable Haruka looks, even under the surprised and happy expression she wears now.
“What happened,” Minori asks, wincing at the way her voice cracked.
Haruka brings a shaking hand to Minori’s forehead, brushing away loose strands of hair behind her ear and cradling the side of her head. “You were pushed down the stairs by someone named Sato. She’s in my class, you don’t know her. She was the one who was leaving those notes in your locker.”
Minori’s eyes widen. How did she know about that?
Haruka reads the thoughts in her expression and gives her a sad smile. “Azusawa told us after you were brought to the hospital. She felt horrible saying it without permission, but I’m glad she told us.”
Minori’s heart breaks for Kohane. She never meant to put her under so much stress. “I’m sorry,” rasps Minori, partly to Haruka for scaring her but also for everybody else who isn’t here.
Haruka shakes her head vigorously. “You have nothing to apologize for. I’m the one who should be saying sorry.”
Haruka holds Minori’s right hand in both of her own, grasping them gently like she’s made of melting ice. “I wish you would have told me or the others, but I understand why you didn’t. I’m so sorry, Minori. I wish I guided you through this. I wish I noticed. I wish I had said something.”
Minori doesn’t know what to say to that. She sees the effects her hiding has on her friends, and she regrets keeping quiet. She can’t undo the past, so now she’s stuck in this present she created. Instead, she asks, “How are the others?”
Haruka gives a wet sniff. “Your parents and your brother are preparing the house for you when you get discharged. They should be back here soon.
“Airi was here just now, but she had to go home to watch her sister. She wanted to be here when you woke up, so she’s going to be pretty annoyed when she finds out she just missed you.” They giggle a bit at the mental image—Airi always blushes like a tomato when she gets mad.
But Haruka’s laughter quickly trails off. She bites her lip, then says, “Shizuku got suspended for hitting Sato. I’ve never seen her so angry before.”
Minori gapes at Haruka’s serious face. Shizuku is so sweet and gentle, it’s hard to imagine her attacking anybody, even for something as grave as this. Was that what the shouting was about?
“Sato’s suspended, too,” Haruka continues. “But you don’t have to worry about that. You don’t have to think about her ever again if you don’t want to.”
“Ok,” Minori whispers.
They sit in awkward silence for a while. Minori’s neck brace itches again. Haruka’s restless, shifting around uncomfortably in her seat even though her gaze never leaves Minori’s face, but she seems hesitant to say anything.
Minori wonders how bad her injuries are. The neck brace makes her worried, but otherwise she just feels sore and light. Haruka made it sound like she was getting discharged soon, so hopefully she doesn’t need to worry much.
The anxiety nips at her anyway. She doesn’t ask Haruka about it.
She doesn’t know how much time has passed before Haruka finally says something.
“Minori,” she says, biting her lip. She usually never does that, in order to maintain her idol appearance. “We were supposed to ask you this together, but I can’t help myself.”
She’s still cradling Minori’s hand in hers, stroking her wrist. “I’ll support you in whatever you choose to do. I’ll follow you and that’s my choice, so don’t try to convince me otherwise. I need you to answer me honestly, regardless of how you think anyone else will feel or react. Can you do that for me?”
Her words are starting to scare her. Haruka looks at her with earnest eyes. Minori can’t nod, and her voice feels like it will fail her, so she squeezes one of Haruka’s hands in affirmation.
Haruka sighs deeply, then asks the dreaded question.
“Do you still want to be an idol?”