Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It’s not that Minori doesn’t know, or that she doesn't understand.

Of course she knows. Even when she was new to the idol world, back when the only group she actually knew was ASRUN, she was aware that certain fans act…differently, if she’s going to be blunt.

The vast majority are like her; people who would wholeheartedly support their idols through thick and thin, whether they were soaring with fame or heartbreakingly falling.

However, there are some that treat idols like objects, and take every mistake they make personally. And Minori gets it! It hurts so bad when she sees her idols struggle, but instead of wanting to help them back, these “fans” just want to kick them while they’re down!

Minori’s heart clenches when she remembers the things people would say about Haruka—the cruelty that picked up especially after she left ASRUN and retired from the idol industry. Fans of other members of the group hold particular ire against Haruka for “stealing the spotlight,” a sentiment that Minori learned was unfortunately common across a lot of different idol groups.

Minori just can’t understand why anyone would say such mean things, even in chat rooms that idols would never see. Even though Haruka will forever be her favorite member, she can’t imagine any other member deserving anything less than praise and sympathy for their hard work.

As she became more embroiled in the idol fanbase, she was forced to accept that these people exist, whether she liked it or not, but that didn’t stop her from valiantly defending Haruka on social media from her few vocal haters.

Oh dear, Minori can’t help but blush when she thinks back to those countless hours spent arguing in the comments of videos. She’s certainly calmed down a lot since middle school, but just the thought of Haruka finding out about all this makes her head explode.

However, Minori would do it all again in a heartbeat for Haruka, not just because she is her ultimate idol but also because she’s slowly becoming someone Minori can’t live without. Minori’s heart swells when she remembers Haruka’s wide smile and sparkling eyes at the Penguin Cafe, so different from her idol-smile yet even more precious. Haruka works so hard to bring happiness and joy and hope to everyone around her, and the least Minori can do is defend her from slander!

Ahem…so yes, Minori knows that fans that seemingly support idols can also hurt them the most. She’s seen it happen time and time again. But…she never thought it would happen to her.

Minori’s hands shake around her phone, her fingers tense and clammy, as she lies curled on top of her bedsheets. She shouldn’t still be awake, as there’s a long day of practice tomorrow, but here she is, miserable in her colorful pajamas while the moon rises higher and higher into the night sky.

Her eyes burn and her stomach does uncomfortable somersaults as she gazes into the searingly bright phone screen in the dark. Oh, she should probably blink before she gets eye strain but the burn in her eyes are from tears. Her gaze darts across the now familiar comments under MMJ’s latest stream:

pretty wota:
Woah, did you see how elegantly Shizuku did that move? It’s like she was dancing on water! She’s so pretty…

Haruka’s #7:
HARUKA!!!!!! <3 <3 <3

tangerine:
Airi words so hard…I admire her so much, she’s truly one of a kind!

Minori knows that she should be happy about these comments. Her friends, her idols, are getting their much deserved love and recognition for their passionate work. Their fans adore them so much, Minori can tell just from these words.

It’s so easy to imagine herself on the other side of that screen, typing words of adoration and praise towards Haruka and Airi and Shizuku. She should be happy.

But she isn’t.

Minori bites her lip and hides her phone underneath her pillow, plunging the room into darkness besides the soft moonlight from her window. She shuts her eyes tight, but it’s like she can still read the comments under her eyelids.

de-lulu:
the other girl tripped during the twirl again. the others got it down already, but she’s slowing everyone down and making them help her. we could have seen a different part of the song by now!

pretty wota:
I like these streams, but everytime the brown-haired girl comes on I get bored and wait for her part to be over. She is so out of place, y’know?

matcha-lover:
ikr, she’s a bit of an attention whore ehehehe

tangerine:
Come on guys, you’re being a bit harsh…

Haruka’s #7 fan:
Did you see Haruka’s face when Minori fell? She looked so annoyed LMAO. I feel ya girl, can’t imagine what it's like dealing with that mess in person.

That last one stung more than the others. Her brain tells her that Haruka and the others would never leave her behind, that they saw the potential in her to catch up with them, and that they have shown time and time again that they would wait for her no matter what opportunity passes them by.

However, her heart feels like it’s tearing in two.

Yes, the others will not leave her behind, but that isn’t for the better, is it? They wait for her to improve, but she never seems to reach their level. What if she truly isn't meant to be an idol? It’s been months, and yet she still holds them back, like a leech that won't let go. What if she will always hold them back, and they feel obligated to let her stay?

Should she give up, for their sake?

Numbness yawns from inside of her. She feels ashamed about so many things. She shouldn’t be irresponsible, she shouldn’t be insecure, she shouldn’t be jealous. How can she be an idol otherwise?

Minori sits up and shakes her head vigorously in an attempt to clear up the bad thoughts. She can’t give up hope now, when she is closer to her dream than she had ever been before! Everytime she falls, she has to get back up, just like the others. She knew it would be tough before she even started—there’s no sense to cloud her mind just because it’s a bit hard.

She notices that her hand is still clenched around her phone, so she opens her bedside drawer and dumps it out of reach, making sure her alarm will be loud enough to go through the desk. She makes a point to snuggle back under her flowery covers, determined to work even harder and clear her mind

She will continue on giving, even if she doesn’t have anymore to give.

All for her dream.

…

Minori wakes up in much better spirits, though she’s still exhausted due to the few hours of sleep she managed to catch the night before. She stretches her arms high above her head and drinks in the sound of her little brother running across the hall and her parents getting ready for the day in the kitchen.

Her family always energizes her in the morning, and she likes to imagine they’re having successful days as she goes through her own.

It’s a little later than she usually wakes, but she still manages to take Samo-chan for a walk. It feels like he grows larger everyday, her cute little dog! While walking, she spots Mochizuki with her own adorable dog.

Mochizuki goes to the same school as she does, but since they’re in different classes they unfortunately don’t talk much. It's always a treat to see her side ponytail bounce from the corner of her vision.

She only has time to exchange brief “good mornings” and pet Mochizuki’s puppy, whose name always escapes her, before she has to rush home to grab her school bag and practice clothes, and then she is off with a sluggish yet noticeable skip in her step.

Minori smiles and greets her classmates as she enters the school, and the grin stays on her face until she opens her shoe locker.

A note flutters down from it, landing between her shoes on the ground.

She bends down and picks it up, trying to hide her shaking hands by tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She glances around quickly to see if the other students are distracted (but who would even bother to look at her?) and then unfolds the letter.

stop getting in our idol’s way. you’re not pretty or talented enough to stand with them. leave them alone

Minori lets out a shaky sigh and closes her eyes.

These kinds of notes only started showing up in her locker recently—just last week—but they have been appearing everyday since, and each letter would send shivers down her spine and nausea straight to her throat.

Anonymity is something she knew she would have to give up on the path of idolhood, but…this scares her so much that she can hardly even breath.

Sure, some of the hardcore MMJ fans knew which school the idols-in-training went to, but to know her specific shoe locker…? She feels so vulnerable everytime she walks down the hallway now, more than ever before.

She doesn’t know what's worse: if the sender sneaks into the school to put it in her locker, or if it is someone who goes here, if it is someone who watches her, if it is someone she even knows personally.

She had tried to (subtly) ask the other three the other day if they had received any fanmail at school, but they only received a few and none were of the kind Minori gets. Airi was the only one who got curious about why she asked, but Minori laughed it off, probably in a not very convincing way.

“Um…Minori?”

Minori startles hard at the soft voice and instinctually crushes the letter in her right hand. She turns to her left and sees Kohane looking at her in confusion, and maybe even a bit of concern, her hands twirling around one of her pigtails.

Minori takes a shaky breath and attempts to calm her racing heart, giving her friend a bright smile and injecting as much cheer as she can into her words. “Hi Kohane! Sorry, you startled me.”

Kohane’s brows furrow. “Oh…S-sorry.”

Ah, no! She didn’t mean to make Kohane sad. Her friend is so kind and giving, yet here Minorei is lying to her.

They first met at the start of the school year, but Kohane has grown to be the dearest friend she’s ever had. Of course, she loves Airi, Shizuku, and especially Haruka, but even she can admit that she has a hard time breaking out of fan-girl mode when she’s around them. She can’t help it!

But…it makes her feel horrible when she sees the tenseness of Haruka’s shoulders, the averted eyes of Airi, and Shizuku’s bland smile when she comes on too strong.

With Kohane, Minori feels calmer and more like herself; the version of her that she wishes she could be like around MMJ all of the time. Minori never had close friends before, but she’s glad that Kohane is her first.

Minori is so distracted by her thoughts that she almost misses the way Kohane’s eyes had drifted towards the letter still in her right hand. Minori panics and hides it behind her back, then panics at doing something so obvious, then panics some more, oh no…

Kohane’s eyes harden, and Minori is overcome with pride for how much her friend grew from her meek self, yet also terrified by the sudden resolve.

“Minori. Are you ok?” Kohane asks—no, demands.

Minori takes a slow breath and forcibly relaxes her body. “It’s nothing important, really. Don’t worry about me, we should get to class.”

It’s the truth, honestly. The letter isn’t actually that important in the grand scheme of things. Haruka, Shizuku and Airi all withstood much harsher hardship and harassment, and they still stand strong. To be the idol Minori wishes to be, she should stand tall with them and put the letters out of her mind, no matter how horrible they make her feel.

Thankfully, Kohane nods and the smile crawls back on her face. “If you say so. I trust you. If anything is bothering you I’d be happy to help!” She then blushes. “I’ve learned that the support of friends helps you overcome things that used to feel impossible. Please allow me the chance to be that support for you.”

Minroi somehow manages to keep the wide smile on her face even when she feels like a horrible friend for lying to someone with such a big heart. As they leave for the class they share, she throws the note into the trash, not noticing that Kohane’s gaze followed it.

…

Minori manages to get through the rest of the week on sheer determination, feeling quite lost against the continuous onslaught of new letters that have been appearing in her shoe locker everyday.

She knows she shouldn’t, but she has been reading every single one. It’s like her mind is disconnected from her body, and she can’t bring herself to throw them out. Instead, she keeps them in the drawer next to her bed, and every night they feel like they haunt her from across the room.

After an agonizingly slow week, Saturday finally came around, and with it came MMJ’s weekend special stream that Shizuku will host. Minori feels exhausted. She hadn’t been able to relax all week, always feeling like someone was watching her, even when she’s at home. She tries to push it all out of her mind and focus on the present.

After all, the only way to disprove the notes is to show them that she isn't actually holding MMJ back at all, right?

Minori arrives later than she would have liked to the Hinomori household. She accidentally overslept since it had taken her so long to fall asleep the night before, so she had to rush through her morning chores.

She wasn’t even able to walk Samo-chan with Mochiauki as he normally does! She should find a way to apologize to both of them tomorrow for flaking without explanation.

Knocking on the door quickly reveals Shiho’s annoyed face on the other side. Oops, Minori must have been later than she thought.

“Hanasato,” Shiho starts. “My sister and the others are setting up for your stream in her room. You better go help them.”

Minori giggles nervously. It’s surprisingly sweet to see Shiho rise to Shizuku’s defense like that, since normally Shiho tends to brush her off, but it’s pretty intimidating to be on the other end of Shiho’s ire.

“Sorry Shih—er, Hinomori,” Minori stutters. Are they on a first name basis? Better play it safe. “I’ll be sure to help Shizuku clean up after the stream too, she’s already so kind for hosting so many of them in your house!”

Minori herself has yet to host a stream, unless you count her leading their school streams. She isn’t in a hurry to start hosting them at her place, either. Seeing Shizuku and Haruka’s fancy houses makes her feel a bit embarrassed with her smaller apartment.

It would also be hard to hide all her posters of Haruka if they came over. Even if she does manage to take them all down from her walls, her little brother would definitely describe them in great detail just to embarrass her.

Sometimes she regrets sharing her ASRUN obsession with him.

Shiho rolls her eyes and steps aside, allowing Minori to enter. An image of Shiho as a guard dog pops into her mind. Would that make Shizuku a dog, too? She would make a very pretty dog…

Shiho shoulders her bass and leaves with a short wave, probably off to meet with her bandmates—though the only other one of them Minori knows is Mochizuki.

Minori hopes that Shiho knows just how proud her older sister is of her for chasing her dreams with her friends. Shizuku is always worried about her, but Minori is confident that those girls have found their true calling. She can see it on their faces; this is something they want to do for the rest of their lives.

Minori wonders if her own face looks like that when she talks about MMJ to others. Maybe it did a month ago, but now she isn’t so sure.

When she enters Shizuku’s room, she’s immediately swept into a hug by an arm around her waist, which makes her squeak. The hug’s so strong that her feet lifts off the ground, and she feels soft long hair brush against her face. A smile crawls back on Minori’s face. She didn’t even realize she lost it in the first place.

“Shizuku,” Airi’s voice floats in from further in the room, though Minori can’t see from where her face is pressed against someone’s—Shizuku’s—shoulder. “I know you’re excited, but no need to attack Minori like that without warning.”

Shizuku lets out a small huff of laughter against the side of Minori’s head, ruffling some of her hair. She sets Minori down gently, holding her shoulders with her small smile. Minori has to stop herself from launching herself back into her arms.

“Sorry, Minori,” she says, not looking very sorry at all. “I hope I didn’t hurt you. Sometimes I don’t know my own strength.”

Shizuku is so strong and tall and beautiful, oh god. Minori feels her face heat up. Shizuku’s light rose perfume lingers even after she leaves Minori to sit on the floor with Airi, who is organizing the origami paper that they will use for today’s stream.

Minori slaps her face with both of her hands. Focus! She must make sure today goes perfectly, and maybe the notes will stop chasing her through her nightmares.

Looking around the room, there isn’t much more to help out with that hadn’t already been prepared by the others. The middle of the room, which usually is messy, had been cleared away to leave a large space for a short table with a red checkered cloth. The camera is already set up on a tripod, with Haruka still adjusting it to get the right angle. They even already decorated the wall that will be the background of the video with clover cut-outs.

Minori wishes she could have helped out.

Minori sits down at her usual spot on the far left of the rectangular table, leaving space between her and Airi for Haruka when she finishes with the camera. Minori isn’t as bad with technology like Shizuku is, but Haruka has a lot more experience with cameras than the rest of them do. It’s one of the many, many things she admires about her favorite idol.

She can’t help but stare at Haruka from across the table. Haruka had tied her growing hair back into a small ponytail while she was inspecting the camera, and the bangs that escaped fall softly on her forehead like blue flower petals. Her look of concentration makes the heat in Minori’s face come back in full force, especially when Haruka’s eyes flicker to hers with a smile of greeting.

Oh, why are her friends so pretty!

“—ori? Minori?” A hand saps its fingers in front of her face. She turns her head to find Airi looking at her with an exasperated expression.

“Huh?” Minori sputters. Shizuku giggles at her surprised face, which distracts her even more.

Airi sighs. “Did you practice the origami patterns I sent to you for the stream, like I asked?”

Oh. Minori had completely forgotten about that.

Airi crosses her arms at the look of embarrassed guilt Minori makes. “Thought so. Honestly Minori, you can be such an airhead sometimes. You’d give Shizuku a run for her money.” She then adjusts the collar of her new yellow jumper. “Oh well. It might actually be a good thing you forgot. We could have a teaching segment as well as a competition segment! By teaching you how to fold the paper on stream, we can also teach our fans at the same time so they can participate.”

“But I wouldn’t be very good at the competition,” Minori says.

Airi grins. “You will be the impartial judge for the rest of us, of course.”

Minori’s eyes sparkle. Airi’s so smart! “That’s a great idea. I can’t wait to see what you guys will make. Are you going to fold any animals? Maybe a dog?”

“Just make sure you actually learn how to do them when we teach you instead of getting distracted,” scolds Airi playfully.

“Yes sir,” salutes Minori with a wink. Shizuku gives her a thumbs up from behind Airi, which fills her with confidence.

Haruka stands up in front of them, amused. “Everything should be ready for our stream now, so we can start as scheduled.”

They all nod. Being with the other members has rejuvenated Minori’s hope, and she is determined to carry that and give that hope to all their fans in return.

It’s the least she could do.

…

It honestly shouldn’t be surprising anymore; her failures. Every time she feels normal, something always comes crashing down, as if the world wants to mock her. It’s almost like an inevitable punishment.

Minori tries to keep a straight face as she sits behind the camera. The other three are sitting at the table in the middle of the origami competition, but Minori’s attention is divided between her own failed origami creation placed off to the side and the ipad in front of her displaying the comments from the livestream.

She clenches her fists in her lap under the table, making sure it’s out of view. This is just like the joint stream they did a while back. She became so obsessed with living up to expectations that she ended up making a fool of herself.

She somehow messed up making paper cranes! Airi showed her the folds over and over again, but nothing seemed to stick. The others are frustrated with her, she can tell. They tried to teach her in so many different ways, but she kept messing up in front of their fans, just like she always does.

Her hands can’t stop shaking.

The comments are similarly annoyed with her:

Damn, how could she mess up that badly? Even grade schoolers can make paper cranes.

I learned how to do it the second time Airi-chan showed us. It was explained so clearly, but we had to sit there for so long because Minori couldn’t get it.

I’m glad she moved off camera now. Haruka, Airi, and Shizuku are the ones I really want to watch! Not that attention-hogging girl.

I bet that brown haired girl is just another creepy fan, they should kick her out already.

Minori feels isolated from this side of the table, behind the camera and away from the other three. Sure, she’s the judge and technically participating, but she can clearly see the divide between her and them created by her own inexperience.

She had hoped that the divide could be bridgeable, but that hope now increasingly reveals itself to be a delusion instead of reality.

Minori feels disconnected from her body as the stream drags on and on. She tries to keep up her chipper outward self even through the growing emptiness inside her.

When the stream ends, she can’t even bring herself to stick around and help them clean up, like she promised Shiho she would. She stutters out an excuse to leave that sounds flimsy to her own ears, ignoring Airi wide eyes, Shizuku’s surprised expression, and Haruka’s frown. She runs out the door before anyone could stop her.

Minori always prided herself on being an expert on Haruka, but in that moment she mistook Haruka’s frown for annoyance instead of the concern it actually is.

Chapter Text

Minori holes herself up in her room almost the entirety of the next day, which is thankfully Sunday. The others had already agreed to cancel practice for today because both Haruka and Shizuku had family commitments, so Minori’s able to ignore the questioning texts she got from them for another day.

Airi especially sent many messages to her, so much so that Minori thought she would march over and drag her out of bed if she knew her address.

She isn’t sure how she’s supposed to feel and think about her place in MMJ. Her brain tells her that of course Haruka and the others aren’t bothered by her, but her heart tells her that the commentators and the person behind the letters have a point—she’s bringing down everyone’s potential.

Everything is more manageable when she hides under the covers of her bed instead of being out in the world.

She would have been content to stay in bed until school tomorrow if it weren’t for Samo-chan scratching at her bedroom door, whining for a walk. She forgot that both her parents and her little brother are out today, so she will have to care for him no matter how bad she feels.

She crawls out of bed. Without looking at a mirror, she already knows that her hair is sticking out like crazy, probably looking every bit as chaotic as she feels. She attempts to pat her hair down, but doesn’t bother clipping it back or styling it like she usually does, simply letting it fall to her shoulders in a messy mass.

She also doesn’t bother picking out cute clothes like she usually loves to do, just throwing on a plain skirt and a worn T-shirt appropriate for the warm weather.

She sees Samo-chan jump around excitedly as she grabs his leash. It brings a smile to her face for the first time that day, though it’s more muted than usual.

The afternoon sun makes her squint. She feels a bit embarrassed for wasting away the day when others are working hard to achieve their dreams.

She tries to put it all out of her mind and focus on her dog. One step at a time. All she needs is a day to herself, then tomorrow she will roll up her sleeves and start with a clean slate, moving forward.

Hopefully that will fix her.

After enjoying the park with Samo-chan, Minori walks him back home. She makes sure he has enough water, then leaves once more in order to go to Miyamasuzaka and buy some sweets from her favorite candy vendor.

When she got too embroiled in fandom spaces back in junior high, spending a cozy night with the things and people she loves always helped her ground herself back into reality. Maybe it will work again now, even if she is currently missing her family and friends.

Minori admires the way the buildings paint shadows along the street and the crowd as she makes her way towards the shopping mall. It always gets lively there when it starts to get dark, and she likes the way the warm lights of the street lamps glow against the twilight sky.

Her mental exhaustion has put her in a mellow mood, so she is able to take in and enjoy the lull of chatter and joy around her instead of rushing through the crowd in excitement.

A large hand on her shoulder abruptly pulls her out of her thoughts.

Minori turns around only to be met with a stranger’s collarbone. She brings her eyes up and has to crane her neck to find the man’s face. He is dressed in a button-up shirt, and even though his hair is graying, he still looks fairly young.

He has crescent-shaped glasses, which would have reminded Minori of her own grandpa if it wasn’t for the man’s hand still uncomfortably pressed down on her shoulder. It’s warm, and Minori can feel his clammy palm through the thin fabric of her shirt, and she just realizes that the awkward silence has stretched out a few seconds too long between them.

She feels herself starting to nervously sweat despite the cooling night air. Should she say something? Should she push the hand off? That would be rather rude…

Everything feels unbalanced in a way she isn’t used to, like she had just gotten off the wrong stop on a train ride and didn’t notice until she was trapped alone in an unknown area.

Minori takes a deep breath. “C-can I help you?” She can’t bring herself to look at his eyes, so she looks off to the side of his head and hopes he doesn’t notice her impoliteness.

The man gives her a smile. Minori doesn’t like how it sits on his face, but then scolds herself for thinking that. It’s rude to make fun of someone’s smile! He rubs his hand on her shoulder, and she fights off a grimace.

“I’m new to the area,” the man says. His voice is smooth. “Would you be a dear and show me around? I don’t want to get lost, and you seem to know where you’re goin’.” He gives a wink, his parted hair swaying slightly at the slight breeze.

It would have been admittedly charming if Minori’s mind wasn’t doing loops and running herself into a panic. She tries to shrug her shoulders, but the hand stubbornly sticks on her.

“Oh,” Minori stutters. “I’m not sure if I can…” She doesn’t know what to say. Is she reading too much into this? Is he being weird or does he just need some help? Some people are just awkward, after all—she knows that first hand. She doesn’t want to accidentally hurt him.

The man’s hand slides down her shoulder and comes to rest firmly on the small of her back as he moves himself side by side with her.

“I think I recognize you,” the man leans down to say in her ear. “You’re an idol, right? The pretty one that dances with that group. More More Jump, if I remember.”

The sirens in her head scream loud, but she stands frozen as the man brings her closer to his side and his fingers curl around her waist.

Minori feels a rush of nausea. All her fantasies about meeting her first fan shattered in the face of this man. She thought she had to be afraid of the ones who hated her, not the ones who liked her.

“You’ll be fine, dear,” the man breathes. “I’ve always admired girls like you; helping around in the community even though you’re shy. Here, I’ll help you out—let’s just take a nice walk around and you point out the places you know, ok? That would be a big help.”

Without waiting for her reply, he starts walking, caging her within his arm. Minori’s mouth wobbles, but all she seems to be able to do is take shaky breaths and stumble into matching his pace. Why isn’t she struggling? She feels lost.

His grip on her is tight as they take a walk around the outdoor mall. He asks questions about some of the shops they pass, but Minori is only able to give muttered and incoherent answers; not that he cares. Minori has a feeling that he isn’t listening to her at all.

The people around them don’t care, either. She isn’t able to make eye contact with anyone they pass, all of them distracted, their eyes glazing over at the seemingly normal couple that Minori and this stranger make.

By now, she absolutely knows that something is seriously wrong. If any other guy acted like this with Haruka, Airi, or god forbid Shizuku, she would absolutely lose it and defend her friends from such a creep.

But why isn’t Minori able to say or do anything?

Why can’t she just throw herself from his grasp, like she desperately wants to? Scream and hit him instead of hunching in on herself and staying quiet? Why isn’t her body listening to her mind?

She can feel her face flush in shame, tears pricking the corner of her eyes, her throat closing with the sudden need to vomit. She’s an idiot.

While Minori was stuck in her own head, the man had led them into a small fashion store that she doesn’t recognize. The artificial lights and the sudden quietness of the empty shop brings her back to the present. She doesn’t know why they came in, but the man moves her with confidence towards the accessories section.

As he browses through the hats and sunglasses, mumbling something about which colors would look good on her, Minori finally makes eye contact with the lone employee at the register.

He seems to be around her own age, with pretty orange hair and olive eyes. He looks bored, slumped at the register, but his face hardens in suspicion when they focus on her.

He almost reminds her of Kohane, and that thought fills her with enough confidence to widen her eyes at him and mouth ‘help me’ while the man is distracted.

The worker stands up and straightens his back. Minori’s heart beats with hope. Not the normal, idol-hope that she loves so much, but a desparte, razor-sharp hope that's the only thing keeping her from drowning. She has never felt it before. She hates it.

She wishes she just stayed home in her bed.

The employee strides up in front of them and clears his throat. His name tag reads Shinonome, which rings vaguely familiar bells in the back of her mind. Minori keeps looking at his face, even though the man next to her tenses and tries to push her behind him subtly.

“Do you need any help, sir,” the worker—Shinonome—says with a pleasant smile. Minori feels a stab of panic.

The man gives a light frown. “Ah, no thank you. I was just helping Hana here pick out some nice gifts. She has a hard time deciding these things, you know?” He chuckles.

Hana? Oh. He purposely gave Shinonome a fake name. And the hat and sunglasses are to hide her appearance…

Minori’s gaze drops to her shoes. She must have been such an easy target. She let this happen. The air feels suffocating.

“Sir,” Shinonome says, still in that calm tone, “We have a much nicer collection of hair accessories in the back. I can show Hana there, but I’m afraid you would have to wait out here. My boss doesn’t like it when I let too many people back there.” The teen lets out a short, almost hollow laugh.

“Thank you for the offer,” The man spits out. “But I’m sure that Hana has already found something she likes here.” The man’s hand on her waist gets painful. Minori wonders if she will end up with bruises. “Isn’t that right, dear?”

The room’s attention concentrates solely on her, like she’s performing on a stage. This is her chance to save herself, even if she’s terrified beyond belief.

Minori clears her throat, lifting her eyes to look once more at the Shinonome’s calm face, and gives him a fragile smile. “I would love to have a look in the back, would you help me?”

The man’s eyes shift between the two teens warily. He then scoffs and lets go of her, muttering whatever before quickly striding out of the store, like a thief in the night.

Pure relief crashes through Minori, so intense that she would have fallen to her knees if it wasn’t for Shinonome leading her to a chair behind the cash register. She covers her face with both her hands, whispering thank you over and over again as she hunches into herself on the seat.

She hears Shinonome sigh deeply and the rustle of fabric as he sits on the ground next to her chair. He doesn’t try to speak to her just yet, which she’s grateful for. She doesn’t think she’s capable of stringing more than a few words together right now.

Then she starts wailing.

Shinonome awkwardly pats her knee, which makes her flinch violently. She’s shocked at her own reaction.

Shinonome takes his hand back and scratches the back of his neck. “Sorry. What can I do to help you feel safer? Do you have someone I can call that you trust?”

He has a gruff way of speaking that would have normally intimidated her, but Minori is instead calmed by the genuineness in his voice that was absent when he addressed the man.

Without thinking, Minori wraps her arms around his neck and sobs her heart out. “I was so scared. I felt so useless! I just let him take me. I wouldn’t have been able to save myself if it weren’t for you.”

It came out slightly incoherent, but it’s how she truly felt.

Shinonome reassuringly pats her back despite his tenseness at the hug. “You didn’t let him do anything,” he stated. “He was the creep. This wasn’t your fault.”

He saw right through her, hitting the nail on the head.

He saw the overwhelming shame and disappointment at her own weakness. Not just about this, but about everything else in her life. Everyday she feels too weak to be an idol, too weak to be a good friend, too weak to be happy. This is the truth about herself that she always subconsciously knew and desperately ignored.

It’s only a matter of time before everybody else finds out. She’s a failure in everything she tries, and she’s only carried by the success of others.

“You don’t know me,” says Shinonome, cutting into her thoughts. “But please believe me. This wasn’t your fault.”

Minori leans back and looks away, her sobs finally tapering off.

Shinonome sighs. “That guy knew what he was doing. He was smooth and charming and knew exactly how you were feeling the whole time. He took advantage of that. He came in here to buy you new clothes so less witnesses would recognize you, and he thought he had you pegged and that you wouldn’t ask for help.

“You did save yourself. I wouldn’t have known something was wrong if you didn’t reach out. You did good.”

Minori stills at his words, unable to think but absorbing everything he says.

“I…know someone,” he hesitantly says, ruffling his ginger hair in what Minori now recognized as a nervous tic. “Who went through something similar. They hated themselves for it. It took them a long time to understand that it wasn’t their fault. No one told them that and it caused them so much pain, but I am telling you now, so do me a favor and believe me.”

Minori doesn’t know how to feel, but the turmoil in her heart finally lulls and the world comes back onto focus for the first time since she felt that man’s hand on her shoulder.

She doesn’t know how to express her gratitude for Shinonome’s help, so she clenches her fists together on her lap and bows at a near 90 degree angle in her chair, almost head-butting her savior on the head.

“M-my name is Hanasato Minori!” she shouts, wincing at her unintentional volume. “Thank you for saving me!”

Shinonome has a long-suffering look on his face, as if he is used to dealing with people like her. “Shinonome Akito, but you can just call me Akito. Wish we met under better circumstances.”

He then gives her a curious look. “You wouldn’t happen to be the same Minori from More More Jump, would you?”

“Er, yes?” She didn’t think she would be recognized in public, especially by a guy like Shinonome. But then, that man recognized her too…

She suddenly feels a bit uncomfortable, but keeps the comparison to herself.

Akito doesn’t seem to notice. “Airi is my sister’s friend, and she has mentioned you to me before, and—” Minori’s eyebrows rose when she saw a faint blush spread across his cheeks “—I’ve seen some of your streams and dances before. They’re pretty good. I like your videos the most…Man, don’t tell Airi I said that, I’ll never hear the end of it.”

Minori giggles, all the tension leaving her. So that’s where she recognized the name Shinonome from! Airi mentioned her old junior high friend and her bratty little brother once not too long ago. Though, it’s hard to imagine Akito as bratty right now.

She glances out the window. Night has already completely taken over the sky.

Just yesterday she felt safe on this street, but now everything outside of this shop seems too dangerous to brave. She’s been paranoid about people hating her for a while now, but the man poisoned her perception of everyone around her, friend or foe.

She doesn’t want to leave.

Akito sees the trepidation on her face. “Airi is actually shopping with my sister for clothes nearby. I could call her if you want? You need to be with a friend.”

“But I don’t want to interrupt her day,” mutters Minori, though she traitorously perks up at the idea. “What would I even tell her? What if—”

“She would want to be interrupted for something like this,” Akito sternly interrupts. “You know her enough to realize that. Anyway, those two have bought more than enough clothes by now.”

Akito stands up and stretches out his arms. “I’ll tell her what happened.” Minori opens her mouth to protest, but Shinonome pointedly cuts her off. “At least one person you trust should know. I’m sorry for taking your choice away, but nothing you’ll say will stop me. If it makes you feel better, think of it as a way to thank me.”

That honestly does make her feel a bit better, even if the thought of Airi knowing what happened makes her want to scratch at her arms. She remembers what Akito said about his friend, and decides to trust him on this.

Akito thankfully lets her go back into the employee’s only room while he calls Airi back in the empty storefront. She doesn’t think she would have been able to stand hearing about the events that happened after she just suffered through them.

Exhaustion hits her full force. She barely nods when Shinonome pokes his head through the door telling her that Airi is on her way. He returns to the front to deal with customers and Minori does her best not to doze off in the small break room.

She’s unprepared for the door to slam open as a short hurricane of pink hair stumbles inside. Minori jerks up from her slumped position so hard that she topples off the wooden chair.

Minori and Airi stare at each other from across the small room, at a loss for words.

Minori has never seen Airi look so heartbroken before. The bows holding her pigtails up are loose, making her hair droop and frizz—like she pulled them out in stress. She’s out of breath from running all the way here and mouth trembles. Her eyebrows are scrunched so severely that Minori wants to wipe them away before she gets wrinkles.

“Minori,” Airi hesitantly starts, timid despite her wild entrance. “How are you feeling?” She grimaces even while saying it.

Minori shrugs, feeling ashamed. Being vulnerable around Akito was easier; she doesn’t actually know him. But with Airi, she doesn’t want to show how deep her weakness runs.

Airi opens and closes her mouth a few times, then slowly lifts her arms. “Can I touch you?”

Minori nods without thinking about it, and Airi quickly crosses the room to sit down next to her on the floor. She gently pulls Minori into her arms, resting her head on top of Minori’s despite how dirty it must be.

The small jolt of fear at the touch is completely overshadowed by the relief of having Airi close. She smells like sugar and strawberries and light lavender perfume which is almost chaotic but so much like her, and Minori feels warm and safe in her arms, like Airi is a blanket on a cold day. Minori snuggles deeper into her hold, and Airi’s fingers serenely card through her hair.

“I’m so sorry, Minori,” Airi’s voice breaks from above her. “I wish I had been there. I’m so proud of you for getting yourself away from him.”

Minori has run out of tears to give. She stays quiet as Airi rocks them both, closing her eyes and getting engulfed in comfort.

Minori doesn’t know how much time has passed before Akito knocks on the door and calls out that they are closing soon and that they have to leave. Airi gives her a small kiss on the forehead, which startles Minori back into reality.

Airi smiles warmly. “Glad to see a blush back on your face.”

Minori brings both of her hands to her face, slightly embarrassed but somehow lighter for the teasing.

Airi gets up, then gives a hand to help Minori up. Her knees shake from sitting too long, but Airi gently holds her hand as they head towards the store-front.

Akito stands near the front door, keys in hand and a bored expression on his face, though Minori sees the way his eyes flick towards her in concern. The crowd outside has noticeably thinned out.

“Thanks for calling, Akito,” Airi says.

“Do you want me to walk you guys home?” Akito offers.

Minori’s touched by that, but she doesn’t want more people to be around her right now, and Airi by her side is more than enough to make her feel safe. Airi also shakes her head, followed by a quick thank you and they leave the store.

The walk to Minori’s apartment is quiet and slightly awkward, but Airi never once lets go of her hand, which warms her despite the chill air.

Minori’s family is probably back home by now, and the thought of seeing them after what happened makes her sick with shame, but she also really wants to be back in her room away from the eyes of everyone.

Minori and Airi stand in front of her apartment, facing each other. Minori can see her own exhaustion reflected on Airi’s face, but also a look of worry that she doesn’t know how to appease.

Airi bites her lip and squeezes her hand lightly. “I can stay over, if you want.”

Minori shakes her head, and Airi droops in disappointment.

“I’m sorry this happened to you. That man is horrible for what he did and tried to do. If I ever get my hands on him…” Airi takes a deep breath to calm down, looking down at her shoes. “And about the stream yesterday—”

“I was just being silly,” Minori interrupts. She doesn’t want to open up another can of worms right now when she barely has the brain power to think.

“No you weren't,” Airi insists. “I noticed something was up and I regret not saying anything before. I know those hate comments bothered you, I just hadn’t…”

Hadn’t what? Hadn’t realized that Minori is so pathetic that she can’t even handle simple things that every idol goes through? Hadn’t realized Minori isn’t as confident as she pretends to be?

Hadn't they realized that Minori isn’t worth any of their time?

“Those guys only say that because they’re behind a screen,” continues Airi. “They’re much nastier there than they would be in-person. They’re taking advantage of anonymity, and that’s scary, but we’ll protect you from those words.”

Her “fan” didn’t hide behind a screen when he touched her, and they weren’t around to protect her.

Minori doesn’t say anything and nods half-heartedly. Airi’s frown grows sullen.

“We’ll talk more about this tomorrow at school, ok?” Airi says, when she can’t come up with excuses to stay any longer. “I’ll always be here for you, don’t forget that.”

Minori believes her, but all she can feel is numbness.

Chapter Text

It’s 3 AM and Minori can’t sleep.

She took a shower as soon as she got home, dodging her parents’ concerned question about why she was out so late, and threw the clothes she wore deep into the back corner of her closet, where she’ll hopefully never see them again.

The notes, the comments, the fan—Akito’s assertions, Airi’s support, her own hope—they all battle it out in her head. She stares at the ceiling in her bed, rest escaping her.

Being alone in her room was supposed to help her recuperate and feel better, but it has only trapped her in her own mind. She wants to leave, but going out at night now fills her with terror.

She doesn’t want her family to see her like this.

But there is one place she can go that she knows will be safe.

Minori grabs her phone, dressed in the comfiest pajamas she owns, and plays the song.

The Sekai looks just like it always does—lights and stages as far as the eye can see, an infinite sea of color.

But.

It’s quiet.

There's almost always a show going on nearby when she and the others enter, or at least one of the Virtual Singers nearby, but the Sekai seems to be completely deserted around her. Do Vocaloids sleep? She never thought about it before.

She didn’t exactly come here to talk to them, but she isn't prepared to still be alone. She hesitantly picks a random direction to start walking in, if only to distract herself from her thoughts.

She has been walking for maybe ten minutes when she spots a figure on a stage not too far from her. Judging by their size, it must be KAITO.

Relieved, she jogs up to the stage, but freezes when she finally gets close enough to see his expression. Minori has seen KAITO smile and laugh, and has also occasionally seen him frown and worry, but never this.

His face is completely blank, even if everything else about him appears the same.

“Hello?” Minori calls out softly.

KAITO turns his head towards her, his expression not changing. He doesn’t say anything to her, but Minori comes closer anyway, a voice in her head telling her that she shouldn’t leave him alone.

“Are you ok?” she asks.

KAITO stares at her for a few seconds, as if not comprehending her words. Eventually, some recognition enters his eyes and he nods. “I think so.”

His voice is a little more than a whisper. That isn’t very convincing.

Now thoroughly concerned, Minori leads him backstage to sit on a bench, away from the glaring multicolored lights on stage.

Minori is struck by the realization that she doesn’t know how to help him, and doesn't know if she can help him at all. She feels horrible for it. She has always relied on him for help from the first day she met him, but can’t even return the favor after seeing him in this dissociated state.

“Do you want me to find the others?” Minori asks, fretting over his seated form on the bench. “I’m sure they’re not far.”

“Please don’t,” KAITO mutters, staring at the wall.

“But…don’t you want them to help?”

“I don’t want them to see me like this.”

Minori can’t imagine Miku and the others ever judging KAITO for something like this. Something about his words also disturbed a deep part of her, a part she isn’t ready to confront on her own, but she ignores her own thoughts and focuses on KAITO.

He’s pulling at the hem of his shirt, which she now notices is wrinkled and off-white. The skin around his lips are cracked, and the eye-bags sink deep into his cheeks. Minori’s heart breaks for him.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Minori asks, desperate to do anything to help him.

KAITO tentatively nods his head, then says, “I don’t know how.”

“Well, how are you feeling right now?”

KAITO shrugs, playing with a dark blue strand of hair near his ear. “Lost…Like I can’t find myself anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

He gives her a look that pierces through her defenses. “I think you already know.”

Minori gulps. “Are you like this because of me?” As much as she doesn’t want to believe it, that makes the most sense. Everything she is seeing and hearing from KAITO reminds her uncomfortably of herself, like she is looking into a mirror. He shows the thoughts she tries hard to hide from herself plainly for her to see.

“Partly,” KAITO admits, sounding more tired than Minori ever heard him. “This Sekai reflects all of you, not just your hopes. We aren’t copies of each other—I’m still my own person, my own thoughts. But,” he sighs, the tension leaving his body, “we get influenced by you. We are born by your combined feelings, and when one of those feelings changes, we change too.”

“But that’s not fair. Why is your happiness dependent on ours?”

“Not necessarily. Your life has affected mine, but I still have my own experiences. We’re not the same person. This is something I need to fix on my own.”

Minori feels horribly guilty, but pushes her own feelings aside. KAITO is what's important right now. She can deal with herself later.

“Why don’t you want the others to see you like this?” Minori tries. All the Vocaloids are close, she can see it in the way Miku teaches Rin new moves, in the way MEIKO would brush Luka’s hair and Luka would tie ribbons in MEIKO’s, in the way Len follows KAITO across multiple stages, eager to learn from KAITO’s expertise.

They would want to help him.

Just like her friends want to help her.

Huh. It’s such a simple realization. So simple that Akito told her this just yesterday: “She would want to be interrupted for something like this.” But Minori hadn’t really thought about what that meant until now.

She’s so embarrassed, so ashamed of herself, but she hadn’t thought about how the others must be feeling seeing her like this. She tries to put herself in their position, and she now understands why Airi looked so devastated last night in front of her apartment.

Even in her suffering, she’s selfish.

“I don’t want to bother them,” KAITO answers.

Minori straightens her back and places both her hands on his shoulders, doing her best to embody the comfort Akito gave her. “They want to be bothered by you. They love you, don’t hide from them.”

KAITO’s tired face looks up at her. Minori can see the anxiety roll in his blue eyes. “I’m scared,” he admits.

Minori hugs him.

He tenses, then brings his arms around her to hug her back.

“I am, too,” she whispers, “but we got to tell them how we feel. We want them near us, and they want us near them, so why should we stop that?”

“Can we tell them together?” KAITO asks, timid in a way she’s never heard him before.

“Of course,” she replies without hesitation. “We’ll all go to the Sekai during our lunch break, and we’ll rip the bandage off. It’ll get better, I promise.”

KAITO finally smiles. It brings some collar back to his pale face. “Ok.”

…

Helping KAITO illuminated more about herself than she likes to admit.

The thought of telling the others about how she really feels—about the notes, about the hate, about the “fan”—makes her feel nauseous, but she knows it’s the right thing to do, both for herself and for them.

She enters school the next morning with her head held high. She walked Samo-chan as usual before school, feeling calmer being out in the early morning light than she was last night, and once again met Mochizuki with her dog.

Mochizuki had frowned in concern at the bags under her eyes, but Minori feels confident in her next steps.

Once again, she stands in front of her shoe locker. This time not filled with fear, but determination.

She opens the small locker, and the now familiar pink slip of paper flutters down between her feet.

She refuses to be scared.

She leans down and picks up the note. Her hands almost open it on instinct, but she stops herself at the last second. She shouldn’t torture herself. They’ll read it together in the Sekai.

There’s a tap on her shoulder, which makes her jerk in surprise.

“Oh, sorry Minori,” says Kohane’s sweet voice. Minori turns to look at her guilty expression. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s ok, I’m just a bit jumpy,” Minori admits, trying to calm down her racing heart.

Kohane purses her lip and gives her a concerned look. “You got another one of those?”

“Huh? Oh, this?” Minori reluctantly lifts up the pink slip in her hand, not wanting to lie and hide it again.

Kohane nods, then after a second she gives Minori a deep bow. Minori blushes, and some people around them give Kohane odd looks, but her face shows only resolve.

“Minori,” she says with a hard voice. “I read one of those notes without your permission last week.”

Minori’s hands freeze, clenching the note tight in her grip. “What?”

“The one you threw away. I noticed something was up, so I dug it out and read it. I’m sorry for invading your privacy, but…”

Kohane straightens up. Minori gasps at the fire in her eyes.

“I want to help you. Whoever is leaving those notes is horrible, and I want to find and stop them. Please allow me to!”

Minori almost cries. How could she not see this before? How could she not see the friends she has all around her?

Minori smiles wide and true. “You’re such a good friend, Kohane. I want to talk with my group mates first, but thank you for letting me know that I can count on you, too.”

Kohane nods, willing to follow her choices. They make their way down the hall to the classroom side by side. Minori feels safe next to Koahe’s small but proud steps.

Standing in front of the class door, however, is Shiho—arms crossed and sporting a scowl that sets deeper into her face when she spots Minori.

“Hinomori-san,” Kohane respectfully greets, though she doesn’t smile like she usually does. “Do you need something?”

Shiho scoffs, ignoring Kohane and looking at Minori like she’s gum on the bottom of her shoe. “You said you were going to help my sister clean up after the stream.”

Oh.

Guilt crashes into her. She had been so focused on herself that she ignored a promise she had made.

“Stop taking advantage of her,” Shiho continues, hands on her hips. “Shizuku might be gullible, but I know a bad friend when I see one.”

“Don’t say that to her,” Kohane snaps. “You don’t know her at all if you think that.”

“Stay out of this, Azusawa.”

It’s all too much. “I’m sorry,” Minori whispers, trying to blink the growing tears out of her eyes.

Kohane’s face collapses in sorrow. Shiho blinks at Minori, as if just seeing her for the first time despite her words, and starts to look a bit uncomfortable.

But before anyone can say anything else, an unfamiliar but happy voice calls out: “Shiho!”

They all turn to look at another student, one with pretty blonde pigtails tied up high on her head and wide pink eyes. Tenma is her name, if Minori recalls correctly, though she doesn’t know her personally.

Tenma tilts her head in confusion as she takes in the scene they make. With Minori cowering and Kohane and Shiho looking aggressive, it paints a bad picture. Minori can’t bring herself to explain what happened.

“Is everything all right?” Tenma asks, a worried frown growing.

Shiho mutters something unintelligible under her breath and quickly rushes down the hallway, shoulders hunched and ignoring Tenma’s surprised call.

Tenma looks at the two of them and opens her mouth as if to say something, but seems to decide against it at the last second and quickly follows after Shiho without another glance.

Minori and Kohane stand in silence. Minori brings the back of her hand up to wipe the small tears that pricked in her eyes, and shakes her head when Kohane starts to speak.

Kohane deflates and lightly touches Minori’s arm, bringing her into the classroom. Minori’s grateful.

Minori understands that Shiho’s just protective over Shizuku. She gets that, she’s the same way over her own brother despite how different they are. But those words hit the same fragile part of herself that the notes did. Stop taking advantage of her, bad friend…

Kohane gives her concerned glances from her desk throughout the lesson, and Minori tries her best to give her a reassuring smile. She just needs to talk to Haruka, Airi, and Shizuku during lunch in the Sekai. That’s all she needs to do for now.

That’s her first step, even if everything else feels impossible right now.

When lunch finally rolls around, Minori gets up and walks out the classroom door without another glance back. Kohane runs up after her.

“Minori, are you ok?” she asks, pulling at her pigtails.

“I will be,” Minori insists. Something must show on her face, because Kohane sighs and nods, heading back inside the classroom to eat her lunch.

Minori squares her shoulders and makes her way to the staircase that leads to the roof. Some people try to greet her as she walks by, but she can’t bring herself to pay them any mind.

She takes step after step on the stairs, her heart racing but her mind surprisingly calm. Each step feels like a shackle on her soul lifts away, like a bird finally let out of a cage.

She’ll talk to Shizuku and apologize for the stream. She’ll thank Airi for all she did for her last night and apologize for worrying her. She’ll be open with Haruka, and treat her like the close friend she is instead of an idol to mask around. She’ll get Akito’s contact information and give him a gift for helping her and maybe they could be friends. She’ll help KAITO feel safe and comforted by the other Vocaloids.

She’ll be better. She’ll be safe.

For once, she’s feeling truly hopeful about the whole situation.

She makes it to the second floor. She has to round the corner to continue up another flight of stairs to the roof, but there is someone in the way. It’s a girl that Minori doesn’t recognize, her black hair tied in a high ponytail and glasses sitting crookedly on her face. She’s short, and Minori thinks she’s a first year student like her.

The girl’s face is flushed red. Is she sick? Minori draws closer to her, mouth open to ask if she’s ok, but the girl glares at her with so much hatred that Minori freezes.

“You didn’t even read it this time,” the girl mutters. “Are you gonna tell them about it? Drag them down to your level?”

Minori looks on in confusion, though suspicion starts to itch at the back of her mind. The girl starts to breathe heavily, looking like she’s on the verge of either a panic attack or hysterical laughter.

“Why won’t you just leave them alone?” she whispers, staring at her with dark eyes. “I should get rid of you for them.”

The girl’s hands raise from where they were clenched at her sides. Minori watches them, almost like she’s in slow motion, but she can’t seem to move.

Her hands touch Minori’s shoulders. Minori briefly thinks about how warm the hands are, and how similar they are to that “fan” from yesterday, before she gets pushed.

She feels herself fall backwards. She remembers that she’s standing at the top of the stairs. She tries to catch her footing, but her shoes meet air. Her arms scramble to the side, reaching for the railing, but she already knows that it’s too far away so instead she makes the split second decision to wrap her arms around her head.

And she falls.

Everything fuzzes over, and in the next blink she’s on the first floor, the breath knocked out of her. Her ears are ringing.

Someone has her in their arms. She’s looking straight up at their face, but for some reason she can’t see any details or even colors. Did they catch her?

She starts to hear muffled voices, angry and thumping against her eardrum. Her vision finally clears, and she sees the deep blue hair she loves so much. Haruka. Her face is distraught in a way Minori has never seen. Her mouth is agape in horror, and her eyes are wide and terrified.

Minori wants to put her hand to her cheek, to wipe away that fear, but her hand won’t listen to her brain.

The shouting gets louder, though she can’t make out any words. She looks up the stairs (did she just fall down that? It’s so tall…) and sees Shizuku’s unmistakably long pale hair. She’s yelling at a girl, screaming at her face.

Who is that girl again? Minori feels like she should know her. Is she a first year?

Haruka brings a soft hand to her face, turning her eyes away from the fight and back towards her. Minori sees her lips move, and she thinks that the words might be are you ok?

She can’t hear herself, but she tries to reply, you saved me.

Haruka gives her a wobbly smile, tears running down her face. Minori didn’t mean to make her cry.

Another girl comes into her view. It might be Asahina, since all she can see is dark purple hair. She thinks she hears the words nurse and ambulance and please thrown around, but her eyes finally grow too heavy to keep open and everything goes black.

…

Awareness comes back slowly, then all at once.

Minori blinks. White is all around her. There is a brace around her neck, and it’s incredibly itchy. Her arms lie over the blanket, some wires connecting from it to bags around her.

It’s cold.

She glances to the right and sees Haruka slumped in a chair, her hair mussed and dried tear tracks staining her cheek. The curtains at the window behind her are open, basking her in a light glow. Against the wall is a table full of flowers, cards, and gifts, but Minori can’t read the writing on them from her position.

No one else is in the room.

Minori takes a minute to breathe and think back to the last thing she remembers. She can recall that someone pushed her down the stairs, but not what her face looked like. She must have been injured on the way down, but she doesn’t recall how.

She’s fairly certain that Haruka had caught her before she hit the first floor. She remembers her arms around her, and the way she was slowly lowered to the floor.

She remembers Haruka’s tears. Shizuku’s shouts. What did she say?

She remembers Asahina, and then a nurse standing above her. Medics and a stretcher, and the door closing on Haruka and Airi’s faces in the ambulance. She isn’t sure where Shizuku went, or when Airi came into the scene.

Haruka stirs next to her. Minori watches her blink a few times at the window’s morning light. Minori feels a bit silly for it, but even now she can’t help but think that Haruka’s beautiful. Her blue eyes widen when they meet Minori’s.

“You’re awake!” Haruka cries, spilling out of her chair and leaning over the bed, coming face to face with Minori.

Despite her confusion, Minori can’t help but blush at the close proximity, but it doesn’t last long as she gets a closer look at how tired and miserable Haruka looks, even under the surprised and happy expression she wears now.

“What happened,” Minori asks, wincing at the way her voice cracked.

Haruka brings a shaking hand to Minori’s forehead, brushing away loose strands of hair behind her ear and cradling the side of her head. “You were pushed down the stairs by someone named Sato. She’s in my class, you don’t know her. She was the one who was leaving those notes in your locker.”

Minori’s eyes widen. How did she know about that?

Haruka reads the thoughts in her expression and gives her a sad smile. “Azusawa told us after you were brought to the hospital. She felt horrible saying it without permission, but I’m glad she told us.”

Minori’s heart breaks for Kohane. She never meant to put her under so much stress. “I’m sorry,” rasps Minori, partly to Haruka for scaring her but also for everybody else who isn’t here.

Haruka shakes her head vigorously. “You have nothing to apologize for. I’m the one who should be saying sorry.”

Haruka holds Minori’s right hand in both of her own, grasping them gently like she’s made of melting ice. “I wish you would have told me or the others, but I understand why you didn’t. I’m so sorry, Minori. I wish I guided you through this. I wish I noticed. I wish I had said something.”

Minori doesn’t know what to say to that. She sees the effects her hiding has on her friends, and she regrets keeping quiet. She can’t undo the past, so now she’s stuck in this present she created. Instead, she asks, “How are the others?”

Haruka gives a wet sniff. “Your parents and your brother are preparing the house for you when you get discharged. They should be back here soon.

“Airi was here just now, but she had to go home to watch her sister. She wanted to be here when you woke up, so she’s going to be pretty annoyed when she finds out she just missed you.” They giggle a bit at the mental image—Airi always blushes like a tomato when she gets mad.

But Haruka’s laughter quickly trails off. She bites her lip, then says, “Shizuku got suspended for hitting Sato. I’ve never seen her so angry before.”

Minori gapes at Haruka’s serious face. Shizuku is so sweet and gentle, it’s hard to imagine her attacking anybody, even for something as grave as this. Was that what the shouting was about?

“Sato’s suspended, too,” Haruka continues. “But you don’t have to worry about that. You don’t have to think about her ever again if you don’t want to.”

“Ok,” Minori whispers.

They sit in awkward silence for a while. Minori’s neck brace itches again. Haruka’s restless, shifting around uncomfortably in her seat even though her gaze never leaves Minori’s face, but she seems hesitant to say anything.

Minori wonders how bad her injuries are. The neck brace makes her worried, but otherwise she just feels sore and light. Haruka made it sound like she was getting discharged soon, so hopefully she doesn’t need to worry much.

The anxiety nips at her anyway. She doesn’t ask Haruka about it.

She doesn’t know how much time has passed before Haruka finally says something.

“Minori,” she says, biting her lip. She usually never does that, in order to maintain her idol appearance. “We were supposed to ask you this together, but I can’t help myself.”

She’s still cradling Minori’s hand in hers, stroking her wrist. “I’ll support you in whatever you choose to do. I’ll follow you and that’s my choice, so don’t try to convince me otherwise. I need you to answer me honestly, regardless of how you think anyone else will feel or react. Can you do that for me?”

Her words are starting to scare her. Haruka looks at her with earnest eyes. Minori can’t nod, and her voice feels like it will fail her, so she squeezes one of Haruka’s hands in affirmation.

Haruka sighs deeply, then asks the dreaded question.

“Do you still want to be an idol?”

Chapter Text

Haruka closes the door behind her with a soft click, then slides down to the floor, holding her head in her hands.

She regretted asking that the moment it left her mouth, but it was too late to take the words back: Do you still want to be an idol?

Minori had stared at her in shock, and Haruka’s heart had broken all over again because of the disbelief in her eyes.

Haruka knew how the question sounded. She’s basically asking Minori if she wants to give up on her dream. She knows how much Minori loves being an idol—she loves it more than life itself, more than Haruka, Airi, and Shizuku do combined. It’s an incredibly cruel question to ask her when she’s this low.

But Haruka has to know. Minori didn’t answer before she left, but Haruka’s sure she’s still thinking about it, even now.

She can’t get it out of her mind, the way Minori’s head cracked on that handrail. Haruka was barely able to catch her before she hit the ground, and she will have nightmares for a long, long time about what ifs. What if she hadn’t gotten there in time? What if Minori got hurt worse? (What if she died?)

As it is, she will never forget the weight of her dearest friend (her love) in her arms, the warm blood trickling down to the floor, the fuzziness of her eyes.

Haruka feels like she’s going to be sick just thinking about it.

How dare she. How dare Sato do this.

Sato has been in Haruka’s class since the start of the year. Haruka had liked her well enough, though they hadn’t been close. She could tell that the other girl was a bit of a fan of hers, just like half the school, really, but no alarm bells had rung.

She should have paid closer attention. It shouldn’t have taken Kohane bringing proof for her to even notice that Minori was getting harassed.

But…Haruka’s known something has been off for a while, hasn’t she?

She’s always been the most in tune with Minori out of the rest of the group. She understands the girl like no other—her passions, her dreams, her hope. Minori is the reason Haruka wakes up everyday happier than the last, so of course Haruka would notice when something is wrong.

Minori’s been more stressed than usual lately. She’s been pulling at her hair, picking at the skin of her fingers, biting her lip. Haruka noticed all of it, but didn’t do anything about it.

Things just got worse and worse from their until it all exploded in their faces.

She wanted Minori to come to her if anything’s wrong. She thought giving her space was the right thing to do.

It wasn’t.

The others had helped her. Shizuku had punched that girl for hurting Minori, and she’s still proud of it even as she’s been suspended and grounded by her parents (Haruka’s proud of her too). She even scolded Shiho for the harsh words she had said to Minori, and first for the siblings.

Airi comforted her after that creep harassed her, something Haruka learned only after Shinonome told her when he was asking about Minori. That had led to a whole nother breakdown for Haruka.

But what did Haruka do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. She wasn’t there when Minori needed her most, and she will live with that guilt forever.

Haruka covers her mouth with her hand, muffling her sobs as she leans back into the door. She failed Minori as a friend and as a teammate and as someone who loves her. How could she?

Haruka had asked that question because she wanted to know if Minori blamed her, blamed idols. She shouldn’t have asked. She’s so selfish.

“Haruka?” Minori’s muffled voice comes through the closed door. “Please come back inside.”

Haruka gets the urge to get up and walk away, walking until no one’s around her anymore, but she couldn’t do that to her. She opens the door and steps inside, tears still on her face.

“Oh, Haruka,” Minori says, face collapsing in sympathy. Haruka doesn’t deserve it, but she dutifully goes back to Minori’s side, coming as close as she dared.

“You didn’t let me answer before you left,” Minori whispers, gently wrapping her hands around one of Haruka’s arms. Haruka swallows at the weakness of them. “Of course I want to still be an idol.”

The answer is so Minori, but Haruka is still surprised by it. “Why? Being an idol is what got you into this mess.”

“But being an idol allowed me to meet you.” Minori smiles the same goofy smile she always does.

Haruka’s heart swelled and shattered at the same time. She never loved Minori more than in that moment.

“It’s my decision, so please respect it.” Minori lays her head on her shoulder, closing her eyes. “I want to keep being an idol, even if it means all this pain. I should have told you all about this before. I know I can get through this if we’re together, so just trust me, ok?”

More tears stream down Haruka’s cheek, and she carefully nods. She kisses the top of Minori’s head.

“Ok. I trust you.”