Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sam had to make some decisions in his life. But this one was paralyzing him. Would Dean like to drink milk? Now? And toast? Was that a good idea?

He wanted to ask Dean what to do. That’s what he always did. But Dean wasn’t here now. In front of him was just the bathroom door. The bathroom door hiding his brother. He could hear Dean. Not Dean, but the sounds he was making. And he didn’t even know if that was good or bad. He wanted so badly to decide. Decide if milk was good when someone is sick. Decide if he should try to enter the bathroom, even though Dean had told him not to. Decide... if this was an emergency.

He felt more tears forming in his eyes.

He wanted... he wanted Dean.

Okay. He needs me. I just need to remember what he does when I’m sick.

He approached the door timidly.

— Dean?

No answer. But he didn’t know if he’d asked out loud. Maybe he hadn’t.

— Dean? — This time, he did. — Dean, I need you to answer me. I know you don’t want me to come in. But if you don’t answer me, I’m going to have to call Dad.

Silence.

— Dean, I’m not joking. — Sam tried to speak firmly, like Dad did. — Dean, answer me now! Please...

Sam’s voice trembled, and the intended firmness gave way to a fragile, small voice that made him feel ashamed.

Sam grabbed the doorknob and decided to enter. Dean couldn’t be messing with him. Not after how he’d seen him get in the last few days. He needs me.

A noise startled him.

Plop. Plop.

He hadn’t realized the tears had decided to fall. And now they were dripping into the milk. The milk he was going to give to Dean. He’d ruined everything.

With tears streaming down his cheeks, he grasped the doorknob and opened the door. What he saw inside shocked him deeply: Dean was lying on the floor, trembling, his fragile state breaking Sam’s heart.

— Oh my God, Dean!

The bathroom floor was now a complete mess. Dean’s vomit was there. Sam’s tears were there. The milk Dean was supposed to drink was there. But mostly, his brother was there, trembling.

ONE WEEK EARLIER

— Dean!

— Hmm.

— Dean, you’re late. We’re late. You know we have school. You have to take me there. And you have to wake me up. And you have to make my breakfast. And you’re still sleeping! Mrs. Stoner is going to be so mad. She says I’m her best student. And now I’ve ruined everything. How am I going to explain to her that I was late on the day of the science fair?

Dean wished so much that Sam would shut up. He could only think that maybe John was right.

You spoil him, Dean. He needs to grow up.

That annoying headache hadn’t gone away since the morning before. And now, it felt like he hadn’t slept at all. Exhausted was the closest word.

— DEAN! When Dad gets back, I’m going to tell him. You’re being so stupid.

— Sam, wait. I’m coming. I’ll talk to your teacher. Don’t worry.

Sam went the whole way without looking at him. He held Dean’s hand to cross the street. But his face was turned the other way.

Dean couldn’t care about that now. He felt like a zombie. He just wanted to lie down and sleep. Right there. On that dirty sidewalk. He didn’t care.

He wanted so much to yell at Sam. Tell him to stop being a selfish brat. But it wasn’t Sam’s fault. Sam was just a kid. He didn’t understand.

— Mrs. Stoner, I’m sorry. Sam didn’t want to be late. It was my fault.

— Dean? Are you feeling okay, dear? You don’t look well.

It was the first time Sam looked at Dean that morning. Mrs. Stoner was right. Dean looked... pale. But of course he’s fine. Dean is always fine. Right?

— Yeah. Just a little tired. Nothing to worry about. Thanks. See you later, Sammy.

Sam didn’t respond. He was still mad. Though... now he was a little worried.

By lunchtime, Sam had pushed aside his worries and also his annoyance with Dean. He was in the yard with Josh and Emma. They were excited about the morning of different scientific experiences at the science fair.

Out of habit, Sam looked at the tables where Dean usually sat with some friends. Dean wasn’t always very social. But that was by choice. When he wanted, there were always people hovering near him and thinking he was the coolest. It was annoying.

But Dean was nowhere to be seen. Obviously, today was a “not social” day.

Dean’s break usually ended a bit before Sam’s. Maybe he’d already gone to class.

— This afternoon is going to be boring — Josh said to Sam.

— Why?

— Cultural presentation? Are you kidding? It’s so boring. Hey, Sam. Isn’t that your brother over there?

Sam looked to where Josh was pointing.

Definitely, it was Dean. Sitting on a bench, completely oblivious to the noise around him.

— You should be in class... you’re going to get in trouble again. Dad won’t like it!

Dean was looking the opposite way from Sam. He seemed to take way too long to turn his head.

— Dean? I’m talking to you! Are you going to be stupid again?

— Sammy?

Okay. This isn’t normal. Dean barely noticed Sam there and seemed... confused.

— What’s going on, Dean? Are you okay? Do you need help?

— Maybe...

Okay. Definitely worrying. Dean never admitted he needed help.

— I’ll get someone. I’ll be right back, okay? Just a minute.

They had been in this town for three weeks. John was still around. He and Caleb were investigating the case. They hadn’t come to any conclusions yet. They were splitting time between talking to the victims’ families, researching in the library, and reading newspapers. The crime scene was in a rural community a few hours from the city. They’d only been there once. They needed more information to act. That morning, he’d spent hours in the library... uselessly.

As soon as he got to the motel, he noticed the unmade beds.

Dean. He should know it’s his responsibility!

Besides the unmade bed, the sweatshirt Dean slept in was thrown on the floor. Before his anger took full hold, the motel phone started ringing.

— John Winchester?

— Yes?

— This is Summit Ridge School.

— Let me talk to him! — John heard Sam’s voice in the background.

— Dad, Dean’s not okay. Come here. Quickly.

John’s heart raced. Dean was always okay. And even if he wasn’t, he’d never admit it.     

Chapter Text

TWO DAYS EARLIER

The sun had just set when Sam noticed the signs that John had a hunt coming up. He packed the bags, checked the food supply, and made sure the weapons were loaded.

Sam immediately took his attention away from the book he was reading. His heart raced. They had been through this many times. But not like this. Dean had been sick for days, moving from the couch to the bed, eating when John told him to. Sam didn’t understand how Dean could sleep so much. He didn’t understand why John was allowing it. John was taking care of everything. It was a very different dynamic from what he was used to. Dad in command was always... strange.

John spoke to him. But then his dad told him something he had never heard before. And he couldn’t process that information. “Take care of your brother” was a recurring phrase... said to Dean. Not to him. He didn’t know how to take care of Dean. He didn’t even know how to take care of himself!

Sam couldn’t respond. He just stared at John, in shock. From his peripheral vision, he saw his brother lying on the couch. A pile of blankets on top. He knew Dean wasn’t well. But that wasn’t a concern. Things were under control. Under John’s control. Not his!

— Remember what me and Dean do when you’re sick. The main thing is to keep him hydrated. As much liquid as possible. Call if there’s an emergency, got it, Sam?

— But...

— Sam, I need you to take care of your brother. You don’t want to do that?

And those words broke Sam. Because of course he wanted to and would. My God. It’s Dean. The person who always takes care of him. He’d do anything for Dean. At least, if he knew how...

— But this is already an emergency... — Sam said uncertainly.

— Your brother will be fine. It’s nothing he can’t fight. He just needs some help. You saw what I was doing with him over the last few days. Keep him hydrated. Okay, Sam? Can I count on you?

— Yes, sir.

— Keep the room safe. You know what I mean.

Actually, I don’t. I don’t even know what he has to be safe from.

John went over to Dean and stood looking at him. Sam thought John was going to give up on what he was about to do. Of course, Dad would see how bad Dean was and how absurd this idea was. Then Sam watched his dad grab his things and open the door. John stopped midway and turned around. His gaze went from Dean to Sam. He stood there so long that Sam thought maybe he would change his mind and actually stay. And he deeply wished he would.

Sam snapped out of his daydream with the sound of the door closing, followed by the sound of the Impala driving away from them. And now it was real. He was in charge. The thing was, he didn’t know how to be in charge.

Okay. Liquids. Soup is a liquid. Sam decided to heat up one of those soups Dad had bought. He pulled a chair over to the stove. Carefully turned on the stove. Dean had taught him that. He put the soup in the pot.

Okay. Stir. Until when? How will he know when it’s ready?

When the soup started bubbling, he got scared and turned off the stove at once. This will have to do.

Dean coughed from the couch.

Still using the chair to reach the cabinets, he grabbed two bowls. One for him and one for Dean. The cabinet was dusty and Sam wanted to sneeze.

Dean coughed again. Sam started to sweat, not knowing if he had done the right thing. He took the bowl of soup to Dean.

— Dean? Can you wake up?

Dean sniffed but didn’t move.

Sam put the bowl on the coffee table.

Dean shivered at Sam’s gentle touch.

— I made soup for you — Sam said a little nervously. — I don’t know if it’s good or if it’s hot enough... but it doesn’t smell bad.

Dean’s eyes sparkled for a second and he squinted to understand what was happening. He registered Sam, the bowl, and... the absence of John.

— I can’t believe Dad did this to you. It’s wrong on so many levels... — Dean thought he managed to say this, but his breath was so ragged and his throat so hoarse that only a few words escaped to Sam.

Sam couldn’t hear. He only registered Dean’s disapproving look and the word “wrong.” He was ready to apologize for messing everything up, but then he saw something that paralyzed him. The sparkle that was in his brother’s eyes turned into tears.

You hurt Dean. You did everything wrong, Sam thought to himself. — I just need to take care of you. I’m trying... — he whispered.

A hand emerged from under the blankets and Dean wiped the tears on his shirt sleeve. He gently ruffled Sam’s hair.

— Thanks, Sammy. You did a great job.

— You need to sit up to eat the soup.

— Great. I really need to go to the bathroom...

— Now?

— For hours...

— And why didn’t you go?

— I’m working on that plan.

Sam handed the bowl to Dean, not understanding much of what he was saying. He went to the kitchen, grabbed his own bowl, and sat next to Dean. Dean managed a smile at him, and he thought he had done a good job. His heart stopped racing when he saw Dean slowly but steadily bringing the spoon to his mouth.

Sam handed a glass of water to Dean.

— You have to stay hydrated. Drink! — Sam said with a commanding voice.

Dean laughed, seeing Sam’s attempt to imitate their dad. But it triggered another coughing fit. He felt pats on his back. Sam was taking the mission of caring for Dean seriously. Dean felt inadequate but proud.

Sam didn’t know if he should sleep. Does Dean sleep when I’m sick? Why didn’t I ever think about that before?

Without making a decision, he ended up falling asleep. The fatigue overwhelmed him... it’s very hard to have responsibilities.

He didn’t know what woke him up. The room was very dark, so it wasn’t morning yet. He sat up in bed, trying to see something... all he saw was Dean’s empty bed. And it shouldn’t be. He convinced Dean to leave the couch last night. He wouldn’t have slept here if Dean were somewhere else.

His whole body protested against his attempt to get up. Sleep was still in every part of him. He rubbed his eyes, trying to keep them open. He didn’t even need to look far because a coughing fit from the bathroom revealed his brother’s location.

Dean coughed so much he thought he wouldn’t be able to breathe anymore. He felt his consciousness fading, the bathroom floating around him... he thought he would faint and tried desperately to breathe. He knew being sick was terrible. He had been sick before, of course. But this felt nothing like anything he had experienced before. His body trembled. He knew the fever was high. His shirt stuck to his back. If only he had brought the blanket here... He wanted medicine, anything to make him feel better. Nothing Dad left for him was working.

He wished so much that Mary was here. The thought scared him. It had been a long time since he allowed himself to wish for his mom. He wanted Dad, wanted Sammy. Something felt very wrong, and he felt such a great fear that he didn’t know if he was trembling from the fever or the fear.

— Dean? — a muffled, fearful voice from somewhere in the room interrupted his thoughts. Sammy. Not knowing he still had any liquid left in his body, tears rolled down his cheeks. Sam needed to sleep. He needed to be taken care of. Sam needed him. He knew Sam was scared. And he needed Sam so much with him. He tried quickly to wipe the tears. But he could barely lift his hands. Oh my God. I’m going to faint. Nobody will even know. And Sam will be alone. No! I need to do something.

— Go back to bed, Sammy. — Dean’s voice was no more than a hoarse whisper, and his throat burned with it. He also had a headache that had been tormenting him for days. And now he couldn’t even move his neck. What kind of flu does this to you? Dean knew the kid was worried about him and just trying to help. But that wasn’t Sam’s job. It was Dean’s job to take care of everything. He HAD to handle this alone. But he couldn’t. More tears fell, making him sob, and he felt miserable. He thought maybe Sam didn’t hear the sobs, and not everything was lost.

— Dean... is it really that bad?

Damn, Sam. You weren’t supposed to hear that. Please, leave me alone. He began to gag again and quickly turned his head to the toilet. There was nothing left to vomit. Then came the worst part. The dry heaves exhausted him completely. But suddenly, there was a warm hand on his back and comforting words in his ear. He thought he should push Sam away and yell at him for disobeying. But he was so grateful not to be alone anymore. He didn’t remember ever feeling this scared in his entire life. He only realized he had started crying again when he felt Sam’s hand on his face, wiping his tears. Maybe he hadn’t even stopped crying yet, and that made everything worse. Sam shouldn't see this.

They stayed in the bathroom for far too long. Sam wet a towel in the sink and wiped Dean's neck and forehead. He remembered that Dean did this for him. Dean felt grateful and could only sit there, vomiting and crying. He couldn’t stop. Neither the vomiting nor the crying. He was tired of trying to.

Sam left his side, and Dean felt the emptiness of not having his brother there. But Sam returned with a glass of cold water and asked Dean to drink some. Dean shook his head... if he drank, he would vomit more. And he couldn’t handle that anymore. Sam used his new commanding voice and said he WOULD drink the water, or Sam would tell Dad.

Dean didn’t know what was happening to him or why his face insisted on staying wet.

Sam wasn’t dumb. Threatening Dean with Dad was a low blow. But he didn’t know what else to do. This reminded him of John and what he had said before leaving.

When his brother looked at him, there was so much sadness on Dean’s face that Sam’s heart broke into a thousand pieces. Dean squeezed his eyes shut, showing Sam that besides vomiting, he was also in a lot of pain.

— Where does it hurt Dean? Is it your heart too?

Sam felt really silly asking that. It wasn't Dean's heart that hurt. It was his. Dean managed to answer "head and neck." Dean held the glass for a few seconds, but soon his hand dropped as if the glass weighed a ton. Water spilled onto his legs and the bathroom floor.

Dean saw Sam running out and thought Sam was upset with him.

— Great. That’s all I needed.

Then he heard Sam’s crying voice: “Dad, please pick up, it’s an emergency.”

Chapter Text

SOME HOURS EARLIER...

Dean had been in his bed all morning. Sam managed to convince him to leave the bathroom in the early hours of the morning. Sam assured him that he would leave a bucket beside him, just like Dean had done for him that time he ate something bad at school. He could barely see Dean under the pile of blankets, and Dean was still trembling. Sam placed his hand on Dean's forehead, and the fact that his brother didn’t protest horrified him. He quickly withdrew his hand as if he had been shocked upon touching Dean. Dean was burning up.

Dean hadn't spoken since the early hours. He slept the rest of the time, his sleep interspersed with groans that broke Sam's heart. Sam kept trying to get his brother to wake up and drink water. When Dean opened his eyes, Sam knew something was wrong. Not that he understood fully, but his gaze seemed... glassy. Dean didn’t seem to see Sam. He couldn't drink water because he couldn't move his head anymore.

Please, Dad. Come quickly. His attempt to reach John in the early morning had been fruitless. But fortunately, Dad had called an hour ago.

  — Sam? Was it you who called? What’s happening?

— Dad, you need to come back.

— Sam, we already talked about this. How is your brother? Let me speak to him.

— He can’t...

— Why? — John was met with silence. — Sammy, what’s going on?

Then he heard Sam’s sobs.

— Dad, it’s an emergency. I swear. Please. Dean isn’t talking anymore, or drinking water. And... he’s very hot. Please. I don’t know how to do this — Sam said amidst his tears — Please, Dad. I don’t want him to get hurt.

— Okay, son. It’s alright. I believe you. I’ll be there in a few hours. Put a wet towel on Dean’s forehead and back. Don’t leave the blankets on him. That will make him warmer. I’m coming. I’ll be as fast as I can.

Sam hadn’t been able to take the blankets off Dean. He seemed to need them so much. He was afraid of making everything worse.

— Dean, I need to take your blankets off — Sam said uncertainly.

— S-Sam — his brother tried to say.

— Um, Dean... your fever is really high. I think we need to try to lower it a bit.

Dean couldn’t focus long enough. Sam had said something. He didn’t know what it was. Suddenly, he felt a blast of cold wind on his body and saw Sam removing the blankets.

— No, no... no, I’m cold, Sammy, don’t do that. — Dean desperately tried to pull the blankets from Sam’s hands. But he could barely move.

Dean was trembling, his arms tightly wrapped around himself in a desperate attempt to retain his body’s warmth. He was crying.

— Dean... I know it’s bad. But, I just want to help you. You understand? — Dean didn’t respond. Sam intended to get the wet cloth and place it on Dean, but he couldn’t. Dean was suffering. Not knowing what to do, he lay down next to Dean and hugged him.

After a few hours, Sam managed to get Dean to drink two sips of water, and that relieved Sam's heart. Maybe Dean would start to get better now. But it didn’t go further than that. Dean lay down again, and Sam stayed by his side with a book in hand, trying to think of something else while John arrived.

Every few minutes, Dean’s body shook. Sam held his hand, not knowing what to do.

Dean’s consciousness was completely clouded. He didn’t understand what was happening or why he felt so bad. But when he felt Sam’s hand in his, he found comfort in it and calmed down a bit.

It’s always been you and me, Sammy. I couldn’t live without you.

A few hours later, Dad still hadn’t arrived. Dean had crawled to the bathroom again, and maybe Sam should try to get Dean to eat something...

NOW.

Of course, he knew what it was like to feel fear. Every time Dad left and didn’t come back soon. Especially when he took Dean with him. Sam didn’t understand, but he knew it was dangerous. They had come back very injured before. And Sam was terrified. But what he was feeling now had no comparison. Fear was too small a word. He was terrified. His hands were trembling. And he couldn’t even move.

The dirty floor around him. His brother on this dirty floor.

Everything was leaking. Everyone here was broken. Dean’s face was wet. Tears and saliva. And that wasn’t the only thing that was wet. There was a puddle on the floor near Dean’s legs. And there was a wet stain on his sweatpants. And the sweatpants were on his older brother. And merely trying to put all these things together was impossible for Sam. Because this was the kind of thing that could happen to anyone. Except his brother.

Dean’s head was hitting the hard floor rhythmically. That couldn’t be good. Sam needed to move. Dean needed him. Dean needed him and he had turned into a statue. A statue with tears streaming down his eyes. He knew what this might be. He had seen it once at school. He thought the word was “seizure.” It had been terrifying at school, but nothing compared to the terror of seeing this happen to the person he loved the most. How does a cold make someone have a seizure?

 He managed to unfreeze... but not to help Dean. He didn’t know what to do. He just wanted to run away. And he didn’t even know he was doing it when he realized he had bumped into something while stepping back. It wasn’t “something.” It was “someone.” Dad. Oh God. Thank you. Dad is here.

— Dad...

But John simply walked past where Sam was. His focus was on Dean, who was still convulsing on the bathroom floor. Realizing this, Sam stopped moving. Dad hovered around Dean and then stopped. Just like Sam. But John snapped out of his stupor quickly, unlike Sam.

John shouted something. Not at Sam. He was shouting his brother’s name. Sam cried. Dean groaned. John shouted.

Everything was so strange. Sam felt distant from it all. Everything was so unreal. Dad held Dean in his arms in a way Sam had never seen. Dean looked way too small. He wasn’t supposed to be like that. Suddenly, Sam realized John was looking at him. Shouting at him.

— Sammy! Sam? Listen to me. Dean needs a hospital NOW!

Dad grabbed a blanket from the room and wrapped Dean in it. When he moved Dean’s head, Sam saw there was blood on his nose and mouth. More fluids coming from Dean.

Despite the urgency, Dad held Dean with such care and gentleness that it scared Sam. He had never seen Dad do that with Dean. Never seen Dad talk to Dean so gently as if he were a child. Sam had never realized that Dean was a child. And that broke his heart into more pieces than it was already broken.

He wished he had told Dean that he loved him. Loved him so much. He didn’t think he had said it. He needed Dean to know. As soon as he woke up, he would make sure he knew. He would tell Dad that he should do the same. Because now it was clear how much John loved Dean. Sam was afraid that Dean didn’t know that.

Chapter Text

Sam looks at the noisy room filled with children. They seem oblivious to everything happening in a hospital. He finds it completely absurd that Dean looks so bad while everyone here seems cheerful. He wants to leave. He wants to be with Dean and Dad. But he also wants Dean to be with Dad. So he decides to be the understanding boy John said he was.

Sitting in that chair, in that room full of children, he feels more alone than ever before. He knows only Dean could make that feeling go away.

It’s always been you and me, Dean. Just like you always said. I couldn’t live without you.

They don't let Sam into Dean's room. Dad has the good sense not to leave him alone at the motel. So a nurse takes Sam to this “support room,” as she called it. She says Sam can have fun without worrying about the time because Dean won’t wake up soon. Yeah, lots of fun! I feel so relieved to know that!

 He doesn't understand why he's not allowed to see his own brother. He was the one taking care of Dean until just a few hours ago. What was so bad that he couldn't see?

He hears laughter from children watching some TV show. He looks and recognizes the show he and Dean watched a few days ago. Dean pretended not to like it to tease Sam. But they both laughed together.

Will anything ever be funny again?

Just when he thinks he can't stand being in such a happy room any longer, he sees Dad at the door and runs to him, hugging him. Dad is also sad, and he feels a little less alone. They stand in the hallway, in front of Dean's room. When the doctor finally comes out of Dean’s room, Sam doesn’t know if he wants to hear what he’s going to say. Maybe he is too little to know these things. He hears some words. “Very sick.” “Meningitis.” “Serious.” “Respirator.” “Tube.” These are words coming out of the doctor’s mouth and floating between them. Sam had never heard these words together. Especially not about his brother. The doctor tries to comfort them by saying that, at the moment, Dean is stable and in no pain. Sam curls up next to John. He doesn't want to hear anything more. The doctor keeps talking. Sam starts paying attention again when he hears his name. John is informed that Sam will need to take antibiotics too. Preventative. The doctor asks John to watch for any symptoms in Sam.

Neither he nor Sam know exactly how they got to the motel. They couldn’t see Dean at the hospital. There was nothing to do. Without saying anything, John puts Sam in the car, and before they know it, they’re at the motel. And the empty motel is completely full of Dean. Not of Dean. But of his absence. There are pieces of Dean everywhere. The wet towel that was on Dean. The leftover soup from Dean in the kitchen. The half-full glass of water that Sam managed to get Dean to drink. Dean's blanket on the couch. The lack of blankets on Dean’s bed. The medicine he had left for Dean.

How can an absence scream so loudly?

Sam looks at all of it. Everything is a complete mess. And it's so empty here.

John asks Sam to stay in the room while he goes to clean the bathroom.

Clean the bathroom... clean Dean of the bathroom. The last signs of Dean here. Even though Sam wants to forget those minutes in the bathroom, he still feels bad because it was wrong to clean them from Dean.

John asks Sam to go to bed. It’s been a tough day for everyone. Sam climbs into Dean's bed and curls up there. Just like he did the day before. But Dean was here then. Now the bed feels immense, and Sam cries. When he sees the pillow getting wet with his tears, he starts rubbing it frantically.

– Stupid Sam. Look at what you're doing. Dean needs a dry pillow.

Dad comes into the room in the middle of his monologue, and Sam doesn’t even notice. He only knows he needs to dry Dean’s pillow. He feels a hand on his arm, stopping him. Suddenly he’s in John’s arms.

– Hey son. It’s okay. You did a great job. You called me at the right time. It’s okay, Sam, he’s going to be fine. You did well, you did so well. – But Sam knows this isn’t true. He knows nothing is okay because Dad is crying. Sam sobs and cries so much he can barely talk.

– Dad, I need to dry Dean’s pillow. I got it all wet and...

– Sammy, Dean doesn’t need it now, okay?

– He might need it.

– He won’t, son. You need to sleep and rest a bit.

– I don’t want to stay in this room without him.

John knows what Sam means. Not that leaving here would fix things. But they need another place. This room needs to be disinfected anyway. “Contagious” was a word the doctor made sure to use.

– Okay Sam. I noticed there’s a motel near the hospital. What do you think about going there? We’ll be closer to Dean. It’s a better motel than this one. I think Dean will like it.

– That’s a good idea.

Dad packs everything quickly. He cleans up what he can and goes to the reception. He explains Dean’s situation and leaves extra money so they can properly clean the room before someone else uses it. He looks so sad that the motel owner can’t be mad. She only feels sorry for this poor man. His kids seemed like good boys.

Sam and John are lying in the same bed. They need this today. John wants to stay close to Sam to make sure he has no symptoms. He couldn’t go through this again.

– When Dean wakes up, we’ll be there, right?

– Yes, Sam. We’ll make sure they call us as soon as he wakes up.

– He needs to wake up because I have to apologize for his pillow...

– Sam, it doesn’t matter anymore. We have new pillows for him here. And for you.

– He needs to know that I love him. That when I called him stupid when we were late for school, I didn’t mean it. He needs to know that, Dad. And you need to tell him that too.

John pulls Sam close and assures him they’ll tell all this to Dean. As soon as John got to the motel, he called the hospital to give the new number and asked to be informed if anything changed.

This was a good idea because, in the middle of the night, the hospital calls. They tell Dad that unfortunately Dean had another seizure and is in a coma. But now he’s stable. “STABLE? He was stable when I left there. How does he get worse and stay STABLE?” – John crushes the phone in his hands. Sam gets up and stops him.

– Dad, we might need the phone still. Dean will be fine. He’s the best. You know that. He’ll come back to us. – His dad looks at him for a while before moving and putting the phone back on the hook. He pulls Sam close again. And they both sleep, exhausted.

Chapter Text

Sam looks at that room and imagines how Dean will fill it when he gets here. He wonders how Dean will make that room feel like home. He doesn’t know. Maybe he won’t do anything. What makes Baby and all the motel rooms feel like home is Dean being there with him. And Dad too. Even if Dad isn’t always around.

Dad told him last night that Dean woke up. He’s still very weak but can receive visitors. Actually, he could before. John went at every possible visiting time. But Sam couldn’t. He wanted so much to see Dean. But it was very scary to think that he would see Dean, but Dean wouldn’t see him.

But Dean is awake. Dad assured him of that. So he needed to be brave and go. Dad explained Dean’s condition. Sam didn’t want to hear it. He just wanted to get to the hospital quickly. He nodded, pretending to understand John’s phrases. “Still on a ventilator.” “Can’t talk.” “Quick visit.” “We need to be strong for him.” He doesn’t even know what a ventilator is. It doesn’t matter much now.

At the hospital, Dad puts a different clothes over his own clothes and dresses Sam too.

– Let’s go together, okay? – Dad says, holding out his hand for Sam to take. And he does.

He enters the ICU and sees many identical beds with very sick people lying on them. There must be a mistake. Dean shouldn’t be here. Right? Maybe that’s what Dad was talking about on the way. He can’t remember because he wasn’t paying attention. He stops walking, and John turns to him. Sam shakes his head, hoping John understands that there must be a mistake and that Dean can’t be in this place with such sick people.

– Come on, Sam. Dean is waiting for us.

And that’s enough to get Sam walking again. Dean was waiting. Sam felt alone in the motel. So how was Dean feeling in this horrible and cold place? When he reaches Dean’s bed, he can’t move anymore. The only thing moving are the tears running down his cheek. They wet the mask that Dad put on him. Dad is being very patient. He kneels to be at Sam’s height:

– Don’t worry, Sam. He’ll be so happy to see you. – And that reminds him of how much he missed Dean and makes him resolutely approach the bed.

– Dean – he says so softly that the mask almost blocks all the sound. He hears his own sobs. Dean is lying in a huge bed. So quiet and alone. He looks very small in that place. Dean shouldn’t look like that. Sam used to think Dean was bigger than the whole world. Even bigger than Dad. And now, that doesn’t make sense. Sam climbs the steps beside Dean’s bed and holds his hand. Dean seems to take an eternity, but finally turns his eyes and looks at Sam and maybe tries to smile at him. This calms Sam’s heart a little. There’s still a bit of his Dean in that person trying to smile at him. There are a thousand wires and tubes coming out of his brother, and he stops looking at them because he doesn’t want to imagine where they’re coming from and how wrong it is for Dean to have to go through this. He knows that if Dean were more aware, he would be very embarrassed.

Sam wanted all those doctors to know how incredible and brave Dean was. He wasn’t like that. Looking like a very sick little kid. But he thinks that doesn’t matter. To him, Dean is still his hero.

– He’s cold, Dad. This place is cold. He needs his blanket.

Sam holds his brother’s hand firmly and doesn’t let go. Dad had kissed Dean’s forehead when he came in, but now stands in the background and doesn’t say anything until Sam speaks to him.

– We’ll ask the nurses for an extra blanket – John responds to try to make Sam feel better.

John doesn’t want to interrupt Sam’s moment. He knows how much they need each other. He stands there just observing. Just in case they need him. He also wanted to be beside Dean, but now Sam needed it more. And Dean needed it too.

The minutes pass quickly, and John tells Sam that they’ll need to leave soon. That he should say goodbye to Dean.

– Son, Sam and I need to go, but we’ll be back soon. In the meantime, you stay strong for us, okay?

Despite the mask, Sam kisses his brother’s cheek. And Dean’s eyes barely see John. He probably didn’t even hear what his dad said. He only looks at Sam. When Sam makes a move to let go of his brother’s hand, Dean squeezes it.

John approaches Dean and puts his hand on his son’s head, gently stroking his soft hair.

– Hey son, can you hear me, kiddo? – John’s resolve to stay strong for Dean fades. His words break, and his voice trembles. Dean slowly turns his head towards his father’s voice… it seems to take ages, but eventually, his blurry eyes fix on his father’s. It’s the best interaction John has received from Dean in days.

Dean feels their presence. He knows that Dad and Sam are there. He thinks it’s been an eternity since the last time he saw them. But he can’t think now. He just understands that they’re leaving and leaving him here again. He wants to move, scream, tell them to stop. His body doesn’t respond to anything. He can’t understand when he got here. Or why they’re leaving him alone here. Or why his father’s voice sounds so terrified. It’s when he feels his face wet, and he doesn’t even have the will to hide it. He’s confused. And he’s so scared. He feels various tubes and wires on him. And he wants his dad to take them off and take him out of the hospital. And why is Sam crying and Dad isn’t doing anything? This isn’t right. He needs Dad to understand what he’s trying to say. He doesn’t think he can stand staying here alone again. And he’s so tired. He just wants to close his eyes and make the pain and fear go away.

John had seen a lot in the past few days. He had dealt with everything. And also with the guilt of leaving his kids alone in a situation that was already an emergency from the start. And if he hadn’t arrived in time? It was a thought that hammered in his head. But he followed the Winchester way of reacting as always. Suppress emotions. Be strong for others. Dean needed him. Sam needed him. He couldn’t lose control. And he was resolved to that… until he saw that tear on Dean’s face. Not just the tear, but Dean’s helpless look, made John crumble. He kneels beside Dean, and Dean doesn’t take his eyes off him. As if trying to say something to him. He holds Dean’s hand between his and returns the look.

– Hey, son. Don’t do this. You’re not giving up. It’s okay, Dean. I know it doesn’t seem like it. But you’re getting better. You’re doing great. Sam and I are so proud of you. We need to go now. But we’re not leaving you. We’ll be back as soon as the hospital allows – John didn’t wait for a response. Didn’t stop talking even though his voice broke amidst his own tears. None of that mattered. – Sam had something to tell you. I love you, Dean… Sam and I love you and need you to know that and come back to us. To our family. Right, Sammy? – John gave the cue for Sam to participate and say what he needed to.

– I love you, Dean. I don’t think you’re silly, like I said. You’re the best. I’m sorry. I just want you to get better. I need you. Please… I love you. Get better soon. – Dean blinks slowly, and Sam knows it’s the only way Dean can respond. Dean’s “I love you” is said through his eyes. Dean turns his eyes to Dad and blinks at him too, weakly squeezing his hand, and John’s smile lights up his tear-streaked face. A sob interrupted him, and Sam couldn’t say anything more.

When he feels John and Sam moving away, he loses control. His heart races, and it’s the loud beep that makes John turn back to see what happened. He sees Dean moving, despite his weakness and slowness. John goes back to Dean and speaks soft, calm words. He asks him to calm down. Says that soon they’ll be together all the time. Nothing calms Dean, and John is pushed back by the medical team, who administer some medication to Dean. John receives another anguished look from Dean before the medicine takes effect. John’s heart keeps beating as fast and hard as Dean’s, and he feels terrible.

Sam couldn’t go back. He stayed at the door crying and shouting for someone to help Dean. He watches everything as if submerged in very cold water. John talking to Dean. The team pushing John. Dean stopping moving from one moment to the next. His father turning to Sam, picking him up and leaving the ICU. Sam shouldn’t let John lift him like a baby. But he doesn’t care. He feels so small… John sits on a bench in front of the ICU and cries, holding Sam. After an eternity, John tells Sam that he needs help and can’t leave Dean alone anymore. John goes to the hospital phone and calls Pastor Jim.

When Pastor Jim arrives the next day, he stays at the motel with Sam, and John moves permanently to the hospital. Sam doesn’t like it at first. If he can’t have Dean, he needs John. John knows how he feels. He loves Pastor Jim, but Pastor Jim doesn’t love Dean as much as Sam and Dad do. But Sam feels bad thinking about Dean alone in the hospital, with that confused and terrified look he saw in him. This makes him brave and understanding with John and Pastor Jim. For Dean...

 He asks Dad not to send him to school. He can’t imagine being in a place with such happy and lively people while his brother is dying. And nobody at that stupid school misses Dean.

– All right, Sam. Just for now. I’ll call the school and inform them of your absence. But as soon as Dean gets better, because he will get better, there’s no more discussion. – Sam agrees quickly.

Dean feels an extreme exhaustion in his body, in his eyes, arms, and legs. Any movement makes him feel like it’s the end of a day of training with Dad. He sees his dad talking to him, sees the doctors pushing John. He doesn’t understand what’s happening. He hasn’t understood much lately. And he falls asleep feeling confused and alone. When he wakes up, feeling more numb than before, he feels a hand in his. And he sees John next to him, sleeping in a chair. Despite the confusion, discomfort, and fear, he feels loved.

Pastor Jim takes Sam to the hospital once a day. Most of the time, Dean is asleep. John hugs Sam and asks him to behave. Sam does. Sam doesn’t know how it’s possible, but the lack of Dean grows around him... every day... every hour. He wants his life back. Occasionally, John goes to the motel at night to shower and change clothes. Always at night, when he’s sure Dean won’t wake up without someone by his side. This dynamic seems to be working.

Except that Dean gets worse.

Chapter Text

Sam sees John entering the motel in the morning and doesn’t understand. Before he can ask, he and Pastor Jim turn to the door and can only register John’s face. Desperation. Fear. Desolation.

Sam is afraid to know what happened. John throws himself into one of the kitchen chairs, looking devastated. Sam hears scattered words from John’s attempt to explain what happened.

Another seizure. Stronger. Cardiac arrest. Another kind of infection. Isolation. Fever. He hears his father emphasizing unstable and severe.

No one remembers to look at Sam. He goes to the bedroom without anyone noticing. He opens the motel closet where Dean’s clothes were and stays there for a long time. Crying and wanting to feel his brother with him. He doesn’t know how much time passes until Pastor Jim comes to check on him. Gently, he opens the closet, pulls Sam delicately to him, and hugs him. He asks if Sam would like to pray with him, and Sam agrees, and it calms them both.

John goes to the hospital once a day. But he can only see Dean through a glass. The doctor explains that Dean hasn’t improved nor worsened. On the fourth day, the fever decreases considerably, giving John a bit of hope. The doctor tells him about the potential risk of Dean having sequelae. John doesn’t register everything. The fever went down. You can beat this, kid.

On the sixth day of isolation, Sam asks to go to the hospital. John explains Dean’s condition. But Sam is determined.

If it was hard for Sam last time, he can’t even imagine how to classify this visit to the hospital. Seeing Dean alone. Completely alone and looking so small and defenseless. Sam cries. A small hand holding the glass. A comforting hand on Sam’s back. He doesn’t even know how he gets back to the motel. The Impala slowing down pulls him out of his thoughts. He enters the motel and runs to the bedroom.

– Sam... – John tries to call him.

– It wasn’t easy, right? – Pastor Jim asks.

– Worse than expected, – John replies disheartened.

When he lost Mary and the days that followed having to raise two kids alone while discovering the existence of the supernatural world, John thought there couldn’t be greater suffering than that. But now, his heart hurt so much that he had difficulty doing the simplest things. He had difficulty living. How can I survive my child? Dean, please. We need you here. Just being you. Without needing to take care of me and Sam. Just here. But John knows that “just being” for his son means exactly putting himself second, keeping John and Sam safe.

John decides to see how Sam is. As he approaches the room, he hears Sam’s voice.

– ... Dean said that Mom is in heaven protecting me.

– She definitely is, Sam. – Pastor Jim replies.

– And who’s protecting Dean? I want her and Dad to stop protecting me. Dean needs them. – It wasn’t his intention, but he’s crying hysterically.

– Sam, calm down, kid. They’re protecting both of you. Your mom is taking care of Dean right now. Doing everything she can, just like your dad.

– What if Dean wants to go be with her and leave me?

It’s too much for John to bear in silence.

– Don’t say that, not even as a joke, Sam. Your brother isn’t going to give up. He wants to come home. To OUR FAMILY.

John didn’t mean to yell at Sam. Damn. I promised to be more patient with the kid... He sits in the chair and rests his elbows on his knees. His head drops towards his hands and he doesn’t even look at Sam, already imagining his son running away again.

That’s when he feels a small hand on his shoulder and Sam moves between his arms and hugs him. And they stay there without realizing how much time passes. Just wishing to feel whole again.

Dad went to the hospital once more. Sam doesn’t ask to go anymore. He can’t...

It was another day feeling miserable and strange when Sam hears the motel phone ringing and his heart races. They are all living on the edge, having to live daily with the fear of worse news. Pastor Jim answers and Sam hears John’s name. He doesn’t hear another word. Everything becomes a blur and the only sound is the beating of his heart. He simply can’t keep breathing. And his chest hurts so much. And he thinks this is how Dean feels for not being able to breathe...

It takes a long time before he can hear Pastor Jim trying to calm him.

– Sam, you need to breathe now. Breathe with me. Look at me. It’s all right. Dean is better. Sam, please.

It’s Dean’s name that anchors him to reality. And he feels his breathing calming down.

– Sam, the infection is under control. Dean is better. Your dad called to say they took him out of complete isolation. He still needs to stay in the ICU and your dad still can’t be with him all the time until they can take him off the ventilator and make sure there are no more signs of infection. But this is excellent news. I’ll take you there if you want.

When he arrives in Dean’s room, Sam sees Dad stroking Dean’s hair and speaking in a soft and almost humorous voice. “Don’t do that again, son. Your old dad doesn’t have the heart for this.”

Dad doesn’t notice Sam at the door and he stays there for a long time. Just looking at his family.

Dad keeps talking softly to Dean and Sam has never seen Dad treat Dean like this. Stolen words. Almost as if no one was supposed to hear them – It’s all right now, son. You’ve been very brave and I’m so proud of you. You just need to fight a little more. Sam needs you with him.

At the mere mention of Sam’s name, Dean’s heartbeat accelerates.

– No, Dean. Not again. Sam is fine. Calm down. You just need to get better. He’s coming to see you today. But the doctors need you to stay calm. Dean, please. Look at me.

Sam snaps out of his daze and runs to Dean.

– I’m here, Dean. Stay calm, please. I don’t want to lose you again.

John then sees Sam place his mouth near Dean’s ear and hears the first lines of Hey Jude. He knows what it means. Mary sang it to Dean when he couldn’t sleep. John had no idea Sam knew that.

Once, when Sam was four and Dean eight, Sam couldn’t sleep. Dad had come home badly injured. It had scared Sam. Dean stayed by his side and stroked his arm, as he always did. But then he started singing Hey Jude and Sam looked at him, confused. That wasn’t the song Dean sang to put him to sleep.

  – Dean – he said, still crying – what are you doing? That’s not our song. Dean just kept singing, and Sam relaxed with each verse.

  – Mom sang this song to me when I couldn’t sleep.

  Dean didn’t talk much about Mom. Sam knew it made him sad and thought it was better not to ask. But it was nice to know Dean was sharing that with him. Just to calm him down.

Dean is very out of it. He feels like he’s been asleep for a year. And at the same time, he feels extreme exhaustion. More than after the hunts Dad took him on. More than after Dad’s training. More than after playing for hours with Sam, and that kid knows how to be insatiable.

Sammy. Dad.

His throat is burning. There’s something in it he wants to remove. And he wants water. The thirst is so intense... He opens his eyes slowly and sees Dad there. And he relaxes. His dad sees his eyes open and squeezes his hand and he squeezes back. He sees tears in his dad’s eyes. And that must really suck. His dad doesn’t cry. Doesn’t cry for him. Only for Mom... November 2nd. When he thinks Dean and Sam are already asleep. But not because of him. And that makes a tear fall from his eyes too.

Dad kisses his head and keeps talking to him. And it’s so calm and good. He feels loved and safe. And feels he could stay there forever.

Until John mentions Sam. And no. He doesn’t want to stay there forever. Not without Sam. Not with Sammy needing him. He needs to get out of there. Sam only has him.

He hears his dad trying to calm him and feels a small hand in his. And his dad’s hand shouldn’t be that small.

Sam is there. Dad is there. They need him. Sam starts to sing softly and he calms down.

Chapter Text

They live in a strange calm for a few days. John is surprised to think of these days as "calm." Only then does he realize how low they have fallen to consider the days with his son still in the ICU as calm.

They have a little routine. Dean is still in the ICU but is no longer in isolation. This allows John to stay with his son. It's good for him and good for Dean. Dean spends most of the day sleeping, but every time he wakes up, he looks for John with anxious eyes. And as soon as he finds him, he calms down. Sam comes to the hospital once a day. John and Sam talk, trying to include Dean in the conversation, so he feels part of it. John notices how Sam, even so young, is perceptive about this. He didn't need to explain to Sam that it would be good to talk in a way that doesn't require a response from Dean because he knows how that would frustrate him. Sam just knows. After all, no one knows Dean as well as Sam. Dean makes a great effort to stay awake during these moments.

A week later, the doctors explain Dean's condition to John.

– Mr. Smith, I understand your frustration and impatience. We know it’s slow. But your son has overcome problems that even the most optimistic among us didn’t think possible – Dr. Ross reveals.

– You don’t know him like I do – John knows it’s childish to say this. But exhaustion prevents him from holding back the words.

– Well, I called you here because I need to talk about the next steps. Dean’s respiratory signs are good, and we have been without a fever for days.

We have. John wants to laugh at the doctor’s attempt to make it all more humanized.

– Besides that, Dean has been able to stay awake for longer periods. We think it’s safe to take him off the ventilator and, if he responds well, transfer him to a regular room – Dr. Ross continues without waiting for John’s response. – I want you to understand that this doesn’t mean it’s close to over. I don’t want you to have false expectations. We have a long way to go.

Okay. John thinks that for once, he needs to hold on to the good part. This is definitely an improvement. The stormy sky that closed over his head since Sam's call seems to open a little.

– Once we remove the ventilator, we will assess the possible sequelae.

Sequelae. He hates that word.

– Mr. Smith, are you ready?

No. John nods, and he and the doctor enter the ICU.

Dean listens to what the doctor explains to him. John remains impassive, standing by the bed, staying within Dean’s field of vision. Dean looks at him every time the doctor finishes a sentence, and John nods. You can do this, son. John hopes Dean understands his silent communication.

The team prepares to remove the ventilator but allows John to stay by Dean's side. He keeps a hand on his shoulder.

The procedure is quick. Dean starts choking and can’t breathe. John’s heart is racing so much that he feels his legs falter. He sits on the edge of the bed. The doctor speaks softly to Dean, puts an oxygen mask on him, and explains that it’s just a sensation, but he can breathe, he just needs to calm down. After what feels like an eternity, Dean’s breathing starts to normalize. He leans back exhausted on the pillows, his bangs stuck to his sweaty forehead.

John strokes his head, and Dean calms down. After a while, John manages to get Dean to drink a little water. Very little. But everything is a victory. Dean sleeps the rest of the day and night. He’s monitored all night, and the next day he’s transferred to a regular room.

Sam is excited in the car with Pastor Jim. Dean has improved and is in a room now, and he can spend a lot of time with Sam. He holds the Batman toy he bought with Pastor Jim. He knows Dean will think he’s too old for a toy. But Sam knows he’s not and that he’ll like it.

When he arrives at the hospital, Dad comes out of the room and hugs him. Lately, Dad does that a lot. Dad always seems tired now. But he seems more relieved.

– Sam, you need to know that Dean has improved, but we have a long recovery ahead. We need to be patient. He needs to be patient too and needs our help with that – Dad says, trying to prepare him.

Sam enters the room and hugs Dean. Dean smiles at him.

– Sammy.

It’s low and sounds hoarse and weak. But Sam doesn’t care. Dean is talking to him. And that’s all that matters. They took the ventilator out, and now there’s just a small tube in his nose for oxygen. Dad had explained this before.

– Dean, I brought this for you. It’s a present from all of us – Sam says excitedly.

John raises the head of Dean’s bed so he can sit up. Dean smiles and holds the package, but his hands don’t seem eager. He makes a huge effort and still can’t open the package by himself.

Sam looks at John, scared. John jokes that the present is for him and takes the package from Dean to open it. Sam knows John is covering, but hopes Dean doesn’t realize it so he won’t feel sad. Dean smiles at him, and everything is fine for Sam.

The morning was hectic. An hour after Sam arrived, exuding joy, Dean’s room was invaded by all kinds of professionals. Doctor, physiotherapist, speech therapist, psychologist, nutritionist, nurses. All kinds of exams and evaluations. When John noticed Dean’s frustration as the first limitations became evident, he asked Sam to go to the motel.

– Why? I want to stay with my brother.

– Sammy, listen to me. I know you want to. But Dean needs to focus on his tests. You can come back later. I’m not stopping you from being here. I’m just asking for some time – John replied, trying to be patient.

– And why can you stay and I can’t? – Sam was really testing John.

– Because I’m an adult, and you’re not. Watch your tone with me, Sam. I know what’s best for you and him. Go to the motel. You can come back tomorrow. And this is not up for discussion anymore.

John ends the discussion, knowing that Dean's frustration is greater because Sam is seeing his limitations. It's a delicate balance to maintain in the boys' relationship. They need each other. But John knows that Dean likes to feel like the older brother. If this makes Sam upset with John, he doesn't mind much. Just another ordinary day.

Chapter Text

At lunch, it was Dean's first attempt to eat after days with a feeding tube. Even though it was just soup, it wasn't easy. He had trouble swallowing and seemed to be making a superhuman effort to get down four spoonfuls of soup.

Dean was red from the effort and frustration. Soup. He hated soup. He tried to hold the spoon, and after making a mess on the sheet, John took over. His father feeding him—something totally unthinkable. It felt like a nightmare.

He rested his head on the pillow, trying to make it clear he didn't want any more.

John did what he knew would work. He used his military voice and demanded he continue.

On the fifth attempt, Dean choked, and John stopped, frustrated.

— Hey, handsome — Nurse Caroll entered the room — you'll be seeing a lot of me around here, so you better like me.

Dean thought it wouldn't be hard since at least she was attractive. Despite everything, he managed to flash one of his charming smiles at her.

— How about letting your dad go home for a bit while I take care of you? You need a bath, and I’ll help you with that. I promise it will be better than it sounds — she said, trying to lighten the mood and winking at Dean.

John, seeing Dean turn red, knew that if he stayed, his son's embarrassment would be greater. He made the excuse that he needed a bath too and went to the motel.

A few hours later, John returned to the hospital to find Dean bathed and sleeping lightly. John stroked his hair, and Dean opened his eyes.

— Sammy?

— He’s fine, don’t worry.

— Raining... — Dean couldn’t string many words together yet.

— He can handle it, Dean. You spoil him too much. Worry about yourself. Get some sleep. I need to talk to your doctor now.

After John left, Dean picked up the phone. It took him forever to complete the movement. He didn't care.

On the way to the office, he stopped at reception. The social worker had already asked to speak with him three times. He introduced himself and apologized for not coming sooner.

— Don’t worry, Mr. Smith. Considering everything that happened, it's understandable. Your brother-in-law came by and took care of all the insurance paperwork.

— My brother-in-law?

— Yes, Mr. Murphy. You just need to sign the authorizations.

John silently thanked Jim for this. He made a mental note to thank him later. For this... and for everything.

Today was a good day, Sam thought. The best day in a long time. He could breathe easier. Dean was okay. He was recovering and out of danger. He didn't understand why he was crying, then.

He missed Dean so much. On the days when Dean was worse, he felt fear. Terror. The terror of losing his brother, the person he loved most... And that stifled the missing. But now, it was there. And to make it worse, it was raining. And he knew he should grow up and stop being afraid of thunder. But Dean never told him to grow up or laughed at his fear. He wanted Dean to be there with him. He missed sharing space with his brother. Complaining that Dean messed with his stuff. Rolling his eyes because Dean made him train. Annoying Dean to hurry up because they were late for school.

Today, more than any other day, he needed Dean here. Dean would tell him a story. A really scary one so Sam wouldn’t think about the rain. He would scare Sam and laugh at him. Sam would get annoyed and laugh along. And they would sleep together. Without Sam needing to ask. Sharing the same space.

He heard the phone ring. Pastor Jim came to call him and said it was for him.

He heard a rough and weak voice. But it sounded like home to him:

— I'm with you, baby brother.

Chapter Text

Dr. Ross speaks calmly with John so he can understand everything.

— Mr. Smith, I remain very surprised by Dean's condition. It may not seem like it, but the speed at which he is recovering is making us optimistic.

John allows himself a grateful smile.

— We've done an extensive evaluation on Dean and have a sense of the limitations he currently has. I want to emphasize that these are limitations. We expected sequelae. However, Dean can speak, move all his limbs, feed himself, and shows perfect cognition. Obviously, all with great difficulty, but this makes recovery possible. It's still early to say these are the only limitations. Some we may discover over time. But for today, we can breathe easy for the first time in days.

And that's what John does. He can't stop smiling.

— The healthcare team is organizing Dean's schedule for the next few days. It won't be easy. It will be an intense rehabilitation. I notice, from observing your dynamics over the past few days and from the fact that Dean is your oldest son, that he is very mature for his age.

— Yes, he takes care of me and Sam.

— But I need you to remember that he is a child. And as a child, it will be hard for him to have patience with the limitations. He will feel frustrated and impatient. And, from our experience, perhaps even ashamed, considering how independent he was. He will be afraid of never recovering. And that’s why he will need you.

The doctor continued speaking, noticing how John's expression hardened.

— Look, Mr. Smith, I'm not trying to teach you how to be your son's father. I'm passing on what my experience has shown me. There was a Dean before all this happened. The one now will demand different attention. I believe that, as a father, you know the best way to stimulate and encourage him. We've seen this in some moments. And we will need that a lot. But you will also need to comfort him. I have long experience here, Mr. Smith. Children Dean's age find it hard to show their feelings. And they usually hover on a fine line between needing order and needing love. I need you to prepare to face this. It will require a lot of patience.

— It won’t be a problem. We've faced worse things — John couldn't deny the weight of what the doctor had said. It would be uncharted territory for all of them. But considering everything that had happened in recent days, he really believed the words he spoke to the doctor.

— I have no doubt. I believe his brother will also be a great help at times.

— Dean and Sam have a very close relationship. They lost their mother very young. They have their own dynamic.

— Perhaps you should prepare Sam for what's to come. He will be essential.

Dean's room is never empty. The healthcare team rotates on his “rehabilitation schedule,” as they call it. Dean doesn’t like it, but the limitations bother him so much that he deals with the treatment with the same dedication he approached training.

John stops counting the number of times nurses come in to collect blood and urine. For now, Dean remains catheterized because they want complete control over his kidneys. Dean’s arms are a single bruise. He never complains about that. He also patiently endures invasive procedures. The team always praises him for it.

Until today...

It had been a difficult night followed by a difficult day. The urinary catheter and constant pain in his head and neck prevented him from finding a good sleeping position. To make things worse, the nutritionist had prescribed another supplement to help him regain some lost weight. But his body didn't seem to agree. Right after dinner, which was nothing more than some pasty junk he struggled to eat without choking, the nausea started. He didn’t say anything because that's how Dean acts. But after Sam's many attempts to get Dean's attention, his eyes remained focused on a point in the room, as if he was trying hard to keep what he had eaten down. His face was colorless, revealing to John how he really felt.

— Are you feeling okay, son?

Dean gave a less than convincing nod.

— I want the truth, Dean.

— Nauseous... need... bathroom. — Dean continued with his broken speech.

— You know you can't get up yet.

John grabbed the vomit collector and handed it to Dean, raising the head of the bed. Sam curled up in a corner of the room and started crying softly. That’s how it all began. He didn’t want to relive that.

— Sam, it's okay. Your brother is fine. It's just an upset stomach. Stop crying. You’re not helping like this...

— I'm fine — Dean tried to smile and console Sam, but started vomiting as soon as he opened his mouth.

John stayed by his side, one hand holding the collector and the other on Dean's back, trying to offer some comfort.

— Better not fight it, boy. Just let out what needs to come out.

Later that night, after Sam had already left, Dean still felt terrible. He vomited twice more during the night and, despite being exhausted, barely slept.

The vomiting stopped before dawn, but the fatigue and weakness lingered all day. The team didn’t let up, and Dean didn’t ask for it. He tried his best to do the exercises, but by mid-morning, it was clear he had reached his limit.

— Okay, I think we’re done for today. You'll feel better tomorrow, don’t worry — concluded the speech therapist.

Sweat dripped from Dean's forehead, and he kept his eyes tightly shut, showing how tired he was.

— Does something hurt? — John asked, thinking there was more than just fatigue.

— Almost everything.

John knew it must be very bad for Dean to admit it readily.

— Rest a bit, son. I'll ask the nurse to give you some painkillers.

At lunchtime, Dr. Ross came to see Dean and spoke with them.

— Mr. Smith, we’re a bit concerned about Dean’s nutritional state. He still can't eat much, and the supplements are causing more harm than good. We've tried four supplements, and none have had good results.

— It’s not that bad. — Dean made a weak attempt to counter the doctor's opinion.

— Dean, you’ve lost more weight this week. And that delays your recovery. I talked with your nutritionist, and we've decided to return to the feeding tube.

John saw Dean close his eyes.

— Can we try other options? — John decided to say what he knew Dean wanted to ask — Look, Dr. Ross, I know my son. He can handle this.

— I know he can. But we have few alternatives left — Dr. Ross admitted and turned to his patient — Dean, it’s temporary. Your body is still recovering. But we need you to at least maintain your weight to move to the next stage. And this will even give you a bit of a break. We'll put the tube in today, and if your weight holds, we can remove it in a few days.

Placing the tube was a relatively simple procedure, though uncomfortable. But Dean was at his limit. John was holding one of his son's hands, just to give him comfort. Up to this point, Dean didn't need to be “held” for procedures. He endured whatever came, true to Winchester form.

No one expected how Dean would react.

As soon as the doctor began inserting the tube, Dean reacted by trying to push the doctor's hand away, with the same instinct he had in the hunts John let him join. A nearby nurse grabbed Dean’s other hand, and feeling restrained, he began to thrash and struggle. His head whipped from side to side, trying to avoid the tube. Hands and legs desperately trying to escape the doctor’s grasp.

— Dean, STOP THIS NOW! You're going to hurt yourself. — John didn't want to, but he was shouting.

Fate had it that at that very moment, Sam and Pastor Jim entered the room. Sam ran to his father and tried to pull him away.

— You're hurting him. Stop! Dad, stop it! Tell the doctor to stop!

Pastor Jim held Sam back, pulling him away from John. But his cries continued, mixing with Dean's, who was completely out of control.

— Please, STOP. Stop, Dad! I want out of here. Someone help me!

— Dean, look at me. It’s almost over. It’s okay, son. You need this — John tried to speak in the calmest voice he could.

The doctor finally finished the procedure, followed by a fit of coughing and gagging. Dean was crying and still writhing.

— Daddy, please. Help me...

Daddy. That word broke John. Only Sam called him that now. Dean hadn’t called him that in years. Not since he was forced to grow up too soon and take on responsibilities that were never meant for a child. But right there, John saw the child he still was. His child... who needed him now like he hadn’t in years.

John immediately understood what the doctor had talked to him about earlier, about comforting his own son. It seemed like a conversation where John would easily say, “You don't know my son.” But he didn’t want to argue with the doctor. And now, it was clear who had been mistaken.

But as readily as if he had been doing it his whole life, John took on his role... His version of John-the-family-man that had burned in the fire years before, simply returned to him.

John lifted Dean and held him in his lap. He stayed there, hugging his son, trying to calm him. Holding him the way he did when Dean was little and had nightmares... Like in the days after the fire.

— It’s okay, son. Daddy is here with you. It’s over. It’s okay. It’ll pass.

— Take me out of here. Get me out of here, please. – The voice barely coming out amid sobs.

John choked up, helplessness overwhelming him.

— As soon as you get better, I'll get you out of here. I promise. We'll leave without looking back. But right now, you need to calm down.

— Don't leave. Stay here with me.

— I'm not going anywhere. I'm here for you.

Sam climbed onto the bed and leaned against John, one hand on Dean's back. John included him in the embrace, and the three of them stayed there.

— It's okay, Dean. I'm here with you. Sammy's here too. Everything's going to be alright.

— I'm here with you, big brother.

Caroll entered with her usual cheerfulness to bathe Dean. She had just taken over her shift. But upon entering, she saw Dean lying on his side, with a lost and hurt look, holding his father's hand. John looked exhausted, one hand on Dean and the other holding Sam, who was sleeping on his shoulder. She was perceptive enough to see that it wasn't a good day and that she wouldn't be able to draw smiles from her patient. She respected his silence and quietly explained that she needed to bathe him.

— Your dad can wait outside if you want.

Tears immediately formed in Dean's eyes as he tightened his grip on John's hand.

— I'm not going anywhere. Don't worry. – John replied to Dean's unspoken request.

John nodded for Caroll to continue and remained with Dean's hand in his. Caroll did everything with maximum efficiency to leave Dean and his family in peace. Definitely, it hadn't been a good day

Chapter Text

The following days passed without major surprises. Dean felt better after a good night's sleep. It was still clear that he needed his family more than before. Maybe he always did, but now he showed it. Yet, he regained a bit of his confident, older brother demeanor with Sam.

– Sam, this movie is so boring! Change the channel – Dean teased.

– You used to like this.

– That was a long time ago.

Sam narrowed his eyes at Dean.

– You watched it with me a week before you came to the hospital. And I remember you laughing.

– Like I said, a long time ago.

It wasn't supposed to come out like that. It was meant to be a joke. But Sam looked at him with sympathetic eyes.

– I'm sorry, Dean. I shouldn't have brought it up.

– Sam, stop being a crybaby. It was a joke.

– Do you miss home?

– What home, Sammy?

– It wasn't home, but... the motel used to feel a bit like home. It still could... if you were there. – Sam lowered his eyes.

– It will. Soon... I'm still here with you, Sammy. – Dean said, ruffling Sam's hair and pulling him close.

They stayed like that, watching TV. Dean didn't complain about the movie anymore.

John was anxious. He tried not to show it to give Dean confidence. But ever since the episode with the feeding tube, he knew anything could happen. The doctor assured him this procedure was much simpler.

– Removing the tube won't be a problem. Just a slight discomfort. But it's nothing major. We're very happy with your progress, Dean. We expected you to maintain your weight, but you did more than that. No more tube for you! Soon, the nutritionist will come to adjust your diet. You need to be honest with him and tell him everything that makes you nauseous. Can I count on you? – Dr. Ross asked Dean. From the start, he understood Dean reacted better when spoken to directly.

– Yes. I can't wait to eat something other than this mushy stuff.

Dean's speech was also improving. Long conversations still weren't possible, but it was clearer and less broken. The speech therapist was working on the remaining issues. It was good progress.

The procedure was quick and uneventful. Dean seemed very pleased to have one less accessory.

Sam was surprised and excited when he arrived and saw Dean's face free of the tube.

– This is awesome, Dean! So, you'll be going home soon.

– That's what I hope, Sammy.

John watched Sam and couldn't help but smile at his sons' innocence. For Sam, fewer accessories meant discharge. John wished life were that simple. Neither Dean nor Sam knew what the doctor had told him yesterday. Dean's kidneys weren't functioning as they should. The tests were abnormal. The doctor stressed that kidney issues were always concerning. It was hard to reconcile this information with the Dean in front of him... cheerful and radiant, joking with Sam.

– It's not a reason for concern yet. We have alternatives. We'll repeat the tests tomorrow and hope the new medications have had an effect. His blood pressure fluctuates because of his kidneys. It's not kidney failure yet. But it could become one. – Dr. Ross explained in his usual straightforward manner.

– And if they haven't worked? – Sometimes John wished he didn't have to know. But it was no use. If his life as a hunter taught him anything, it was that being prepared was always better than dealing with surprises.

– We'll probably have to start dialysis. His kidney function hasn't been good since he arrived. But it was holding at an acceptable level. The latest tests showed deterioration. But as I said, let's stay optimistic. Dean has made great progress.

John watched his sons playing a board game he didn't know where it came from. Probably Jim. Dean had been complaining about the urinary catheter constantly. He always asked why he still needed it. He had already been cleared to use the bathroom for other needs. In the wheelchair still. But it was much better than before. All of this was very embarrassing for his son. Dean didn't talk about the embarrassment, but John knew. Winchesters don't talk about these things. He knew that asking would make it worse.

He loved Sam's intelligence, but sometimes it was hard to deal with the questions. Before Dean was cleared to use the bathroom in the wheelchair, this became very clear one afternoon when Sam came to visit with Pastor Jim.

They were watching some TV show. John observed Sam. He wasn't paying attention to the TV. He was looking at Dean. Staring at his brother with squinted eyes. As if he was thinking very seriously. He spent a few minutes like that. He looked at Dean's face, then at the bathroom, then at the wires and tubes connected to Dean. And then he started the inspection again.

– Sammy? – Dean asked without turning to him – I can hear you thinking. I already smell smoke. Don't strain yourself.

– Idiot.

– SAM! – John scolded.

– Sorry, Dad.

– It's just that I don't understand...

– What a surprise, Sammy!

– DEAN! Stop teasing your brother.

– Sorry.

– If Dean can't get out of bed, how does he use the bathroom? That tube, is it for...?

John and Jim saw Dean's face turn red. His breathing became shallow. It was better to intervene.

– Sam, you have no idea, but the hospital has a solution for everything! – John said in a tone that signaled the end of the discussion.

– Let's go, Sam. I need to get back to the motel early. I have some calls to make – Jim complemented John's strategy.

Dean didn't say anything. He spent the rest of the day silent and with a distant look. John tried to talk about hunting, but even that didn't make him pay attention to his father. Maybe we should talk about it. Or maybe not. In the 'Winchester communication mode,' uncomfortable conversations were constantly implied. It's not good or recommended. But it works.

Sam didn't ask any more questions. John suspected he understood everything.

John continued watching his sons engrossed in their game. Just this once, God. Let luck smile on us. We don't need more problems.

As soon as he finished his little prayer, the nurse came in to repeat Dean's tests. Since they were also going to collect urine, John asked Sam to go to the cafeteria with Jim, to maintain his son's privacy. The test was quick. Dean didn't complain or show any dissatisfaction. He was watching John's face.

– Dad? Is everything okay? – Dean asked as soon as the nurse left.

John looked at him and tried to smile.

– Why wouldn't it be?

– I never do this kind of test at this time. Only early in the morning, every two days. It was done yesterday. In less than 48 hours, they're doing it again. And your face is as tense as it gets when something goes wrong on a hunt.

John couldn't help but smile. The hunting instincts were well protected in Dean. He would be a great hunter. Soon. Actually, he already was. But John had only let him participate in a few hunts... the safer ones.

– Don't worry so much. Later you'll say it's Sam who's the crybaby. – John said, smiling, hoping Dean would be convinced. Sam entered the room with cookies, laughing, canceling any chance of Dean continuing his questions.

Sam had been asking to sleep at the hospital some nights. John didn't allow it every night. But he knew it would be good for Dean. So, when it happened, Sam slept in the armchair next to Dean. John stayed on the couch in front of them. It was uncomfortable, but it brought a sense of normalcy to their lives. This was one of those nights. Dean was in a great mood. Sam didn't want to stop playing. Going back to the motel would interrupt his game. John agreed. It was good for the boys to have some distraction. At bath time, as usual, John left the room. And when Sam was there, John would find something to make Sam leave too and give Dean privacy.

Around 9 PM, Sam seemed euphoric. That's how he got when it was past his bedtime. Dean looked tired and a bit worn out. John decided not to worry. It had been an exciting day. He tried to push his worries away. He was learning to live one day at a time.

– Sammy, time to sleep. Say goodnight to your brother.

– I'm not sleepy. I'll play a little longer, thanks.

– Sam, I'm not giving you an option.

Sam didn't move. He kept drawing next to Dean.

– Sammy, time to sleep. That's enough. – Dean said firmly.

Sam immediately put down his pencil and went to the armchair. John rolled his eyes. It was unbelievable that an 11-year-old had more authority with his own son than he did! Just another normal day in his life.

Chapter Text

Maybe it was exhaustion. Maybe it was the sense of normalcy from all three being together in the same room. Maybe it was the staff giving them a break since the tests had been done early. But, for the first time in days, John slept well. Well enough to oversleep. He and Dean always woke up early. As soon as one started moving, the other would wake up too. Light sleep was a characteristic of every hunter, and Dean understood that without John having to teach him.

– Daddy?

It took John a few seconds to get his bearings. It was Sam calling. That made him immediately alert. Sam was the one who usually needed to be woken up.

He got up quickly. The sudden movement made him a little dizzy, but he didn’t have time for that.

– Dad? Dean’s acting weird. – Sam said, biting a finger, a clear sign of his worry – He’s... I don’t know. Moaning. I tried to wake him up, but he didn’t move. And his... his face... his hand... it’s fat.

John crossed the room. He quickly understood what Sam meant by "fat." Dean was very puffy. His face, his hands, his feet. He was struggling to breathe. His whole body seemed to be straining to let a little air in. John ran into the hallway and called for the nurses.

– Dean, wake up, son! Wake up for me! You’re scaring your brother.

– Huum – Dean moaned, not seeming to hear John.

A nurse came in and quickly called the rest of the team. John was pushed aside. He picked Sam up and stood still, watching. It felt like a nightmare. A recurring nightmare. The kind that haunts night after night.

– We need a chest X-ray now – the on-call doctor shouted.

– Put him on oxygen.

– His oxygen saturation is low.

– His urine output didn’t increase overnight.

Everything felt so surreal. John couldn’t even register what was happening until he realized a nurse was talking to him.

– Mr. Smith, you need to wait outside.

– My son.

– We know, Mr. Smith. We’re taking care of him.

Doctors and nurses kept going in and out of Dean’s room. They all ignored John completely. Sam cried on his shoulder.

– Dad, was it because I kept him up late?

– Oh Sammy, it wasn’t you.

– I didn’t mean to do it.

– Son, it’s not your fault. Nobody is to blame for any of this. The doctors are taking care of Dean. You know how strong he is.

– He’s not! – Sam shouted at John.

– Son?

– Dean never gets better! He should have gotten better by now! He promised me he would get better! HE PROMISED ME!

– Sammy, he’s trying...

– IT’S NOT ENOUGH! You should yell at him! You haven’t even told him to get better. You used to do that before. During training. He would get better! TELL HIM TO GET BETTER, NOW!

– Sam, enough. I won’t accept that tone!

Sam moved away from John and went to the opposite wall.

– I hate you. I HATE HIM. Dean is stupid and weak.

– Don’t talk about your brother like that!

– IT’S THE TRUTH! He’s WEAK! VERY WEAK! AND STUPID.

John’s veteran instincts surged in his veins. He wanted to smack Sam, put him in time-out, yell at him until he stopped being a brat.

But John heard the pain behind Sam’s words. He was too young to process all this. He had grown up believing his brother was a superhero, indestructible, who would protect him from anything. Everything must be falling apart... everything he had experienced in the past weeks had taken that support away from him.

John got up and tried to pull Sam close. Sam shrank further against the wall, but there was nowhere to run. John picked him up and hugged him. Sam kept resisting and hitting John.

– LET ME GO! I WANT TO GO HOME!

– Shhh, it’s okay, son. It’s okay. I know you want Dean.

– I DON’T! I HATE HIM! I DON’T CARE ABOUT HIM ANYMORE!

– I want him too. I want to go home too. Shhh. I understand you, Sam. – John spoke, holding Sam even tighter, until Sam relaxed, going limp in his arms. He clung to John, holding the back of his shirt. Sam cried loudly, and John let him cry it out... their tears mixing together.

– It’s okay, son. Daddy’s here with you.

– I want Dean back, Daddy.

– He will come back. The doctors are taking care of him.

– No... I want... Our Dean. My Dean!

John wanted that too. But now he would accept any version of Dean. He just wanted his son alive.

– Are you sure you don’t want the nurse to stay with your son for a while? He seems scared.

– Dr. Ross, Sam has heard a lot already. But he will need to deal with what’s coming. Not hearing it will only delay the information. And, I prefer he stays here with me.

Sam was grateful his father said that and put on a firm face for the doctor, showing he could handle it.

– Alright then. – Dr. Ross reluctantly agreed – As we feared, your son’s kidney function has deteriorated over the past few days. He has indeed developed acute renal failure. His urine output was below normal, but it practically ceased. This caused fluid to accumulate throughout his body. That’s why you noticed he was swollen.

– His face was fat – Sam said, taking his finger out of his mouth.

Dr. Ross smiled.

– That’s right, Sam. You’re a very observant child. Fluid also accumulated in his lungs, preventing him from breathing properly. It’s a condition we call pleural effusion. The discomfort and pain are immense. It’s like trying to breathe but there’s no space for air because of the fluid. We had to place a chest tube. Although uncomfortable, it brings immediate relief to Dean’s lungs. His oxygen saturation is now within the normal range. But we’ll need to keep the tube and oxygen for now.

– And what about his kidneys?

– We can only manage the problem, not solve it. His kidneys need to start working on their own again. In the meantime, we will need to perform hemodialysis. Tonight, we’ll do the first session. We’ve modified some of Dean’s antibiotics. He still needs them, but some can worsen the renal failure.

– Can I stay with him?

– During the hemodialysis procedure? Yes, you can. We need him to stay calm. It’s a long, slow, and somewhat tedious process. Dean seems quite exhausted. I don’t think it will take much effort to keep him still today. But in any case, it’s better for him to have his family nearby. And I believe it will also make you feel better. But first, we need to place a catheter for the hemodialysis. We’ve determined the best site for him is the neck. I need you to sign the authorization.

– Can I stay too? – Sam asked hopefully.

– No, Sammy.

– I’m his family too.

– You are, yes. But today only the adult part of the family can stay.

Sam seemed hurt by John’s response. But there was no negotiating. He needed to focus on Dean today.

– Let’s go see him so you can say goodbye and go rest with Pastor Jim.

Dean didn’t understand what had happened. He felt fine yesterday. Just a little tired before going to bed. He felt his whole body was heavy. There was a mask on his face. Besides that, there was no sign of John or Sam. Only more nurses. Caroll was beside him, talking calmly to him.

He didn’t understand anything she was saying. Everything felt distant, but he tried to focus on her words.

– Your dad will be here soon. You just need to rest now.

Dean blinked sleepily. Each breath brought a new, annoying pain in his side. Near his ribs. He tried to look, thinking he saw a new tube there, but Caroll covered it with the sheet. He didn’t care much. Nothing seemed to matter now.

He didn’t even realize he had fallen asleep, but he must have because when he blinked, John and Sam were there.

– You never tire of testing your old man’s heart.

John tried to lighten the mood. But no one laughed. Sam clung closer to John, his sad eyes never leaving Dean.

– How do you feel, son?

Dean could only blink. And even that didn’t seem to be effective because every time he blinked, things changed drastically. He must have dozed off again. He woke up to a wet kiss on his cheek. Sammy.

– I’ll be back later, Dean. Get better soon, please. Don’t do this again. This is silly.

Dean didn’t even know what he was talking about. But Sam was sad, and it tore him apart. His eyes filled with tears. And he couldn’t control anything in his body now. So the tear ran down the side of his face.

– No, Dean. I’m sorry. I wasn’t arguing. I just want you to get better.

John wiped Dean’s tear and told him to rest.

– I’ll be right here when you wake up.

The next time he woke up, everything had changed again. But this time he knew he had slept for hours. He tried to make sense of what had happened. There was a new machine in the room, and blood was coming out of it. Or going in. Was it his blood? There was something very uncomfortable in his neck. He lifted his hand to remove it, but something stopped him: John’s hand! He didn’t know where it had come from since he hadn’t seen John in the room. He tried to turn his neck to look for his dad, but it hurt. John’s other hand prevented him from turning his head. Only then did he understand why he couldn’t see John. Because he was lying entirely on top of him, using him as a pillow. He couldn’t even process this. He. Was. Lying. On. His. Dad’s. Chest. It made no sense.

– Just leave it there, son.

He tried to look at John’s face, but soon felt the pain in his neck.

– Dean, you must be confused.

Dean heard John’s voice coming from behind him.

– You needed to have hemodialysis. We need you to stay in this position for a few hours. The tube in your neck is for the procedure. I know it’s uncomfortable, but it will make you feel better.

– Why? – Dean managed to formulate this question, though very slowly.

– Your kidney needed help. So we’re not going to bother it. Just relax a bit more. Go back to sleep. We’re already halfway through the procedure.

– Tired...

– I know... You can relax now.

He didn’t know whose idea it was for John to lie down with him. It was strange. But a good kind of strange. A strange he needed. He rested his head on John’s chest. John rested his head on his. And he slept like that.

It was strange for John. He couldn’t even remember what he was like before the fire. Maybe it was like this. Affectionate. But everything they had been going through showed how superficial appearances were. Raising his kids with only the bare necessities seemed like the right choice after the fire. But now, it didn’t make sense. Not now. And he realized now that making his kids grow up fast, especially Dean, not only destroyed their childhood but also prevented him from enjoying them while they were still kids. While they still fit in his arms. While he could still be Daddy.

If all this passes... When all this passes, maybe we can make some adjustments.

Not that he would stop hunting. That was who he was. He needed to avenge Mary. But he was good at being present and focused on the need of the moment. He just needed to remember that his kids were also a need. It was good to have Dean allowing himself to be more vulnerable. It was good for him to allow himself to be more vulnerable too. The doctor's words came back to him once more, becoming clearer every day. It wasn’t just about being there to support Dean in this new phase. It was about being there to live it with him. And with Sam. Together. As the family they still were.

Chapter Text

The next few days pass within this new routine that includes hemodialysis. After the first two days, the doctor explains that although Dean’s kidneys haven't improved yet, his lungs are clear, and they remove the drain. Dean feels better and can interact more, which makes Sam happy.

Sam spends the mornings at the hospital almost every day. In the afternoon, Dean needs to stay calm and quiet for hemodialysis. After that, he’s exhausted and can only sleep.

– Can you help me with my math homework? Pastor Jim brought it for me.

– The advantage of being sick was not thinking about school. But not when you have a little pest of a brother! I don’t want to interrupt my vacation, Sam.

– What an incredible vacation! Come on, Dean, please. – Sam says, already placing the book on Dean’s lap. He knows his brother will help. He always does. The school has been very understanding about Sam's absence, but he still needs to do his homework every day. It ends up being a good thing because it distracts him.

Dean explains subtraction to Sam. Sam thinks Dean always has a simple way of making him understand. And he doesn’t understand why Dean pretends he doesn’t like school, considering he’s really good at it too.

The physical therapist interrupts the two boys. Sam sits on the couch watching Dean take the exercises she gives him very seriously. Dean's arms and legs tremble. Sam thinks this is something new about his “new Dean.” He hardly notices anything strange when Dean talks now, like he did at the beginning of all this. And since Dean spends a lot of time in bed, sometimes he thinks Dean is already recovered. But whenever Dean tries to make simple movements, it’s clear to Sam that it’s not quite like that.

– Dean, your doctor asked us to intensify your exercises. This is good for your kidneys too. He wants us to focus more on your movements once we can stop the hemodialysis. So, no more breaks for you!

– He likes exercise. Every time Dad passes by, he does even more. So, you can push him harder. – Sam says to provoke Dean.

The physical therapist, Anne, turns and winks at Sam. Both smile. Dean rolls his eyes at them and continues concentrating on the exercises he’s doing.

Dean is preparing for his sixth hemodialysis when Dr. Ross enters with a radiant smile.

– How about getting rid of those neck catheters?

– What...? – Dean looks at him and at John.

– Great news. Your tests show that your kidneys are functioning again, Dean. Your urine output is practically back to normal. The change in antibiotics worked, and you still show no signs of infections. No more hemodialysis for you!

– Oh God, thank you! – Dean breathes a sigh of relief, feeling very good, like he hasn’t in days. John shares the same relief. The universe seems to be aligning again.

– Can I go home?

– Hold on, kid. It’s not that simple.

– Just take out this annoying catheter, and I don’t need anything else from this hospital.

– Well, since you mentioned it, let’s talk about our next steps. – John moves closer to Dean, and they listen to the doctor. – I want to remove your urinary catheter. Not today, because we need to make sure your kidney function is really good. But in the next few days. This will give you more independence. I know it bothers you a lot.

– You don’t know. I’m the one with it... For weeks. – Dean says irritably.

– Dean! – John scolds.

– Sorry...

– It’s okay, I understand. You’re right. Your physical therapist told me how you’ve been progressing with your arm exercises. Both your strength and coordination are much better. But we haven’t been able to do much with the lower limbs yet. So, she’ll focus on that and will get you standing so you can start walking. After all, you’ll need to go to the bathroom now. If all this goes well, we can talk about discharge and continuing your treatment at home.

– Don’t worry. It’ll work. – Dean responds confidently, and John smiles, seeing a bit of the “old Dean” there.

The next day, the physical therapist says they will try to get him standing today. Dean gets excited, not understanding why they haven’t done it yet.

Before that, she starts with respiratory exercises to keep his lungs clean and well-ventilated. Then she moves on to upper limb movements. First, broad exercises and then coordination exercises. Today, she brings tweezers with two containers. One full of small objects and the other empty. He patiently transfers the objects from one container to another, using the tweezers. Then she gives him some locks to work on other fine motor skills. He smiles, and she has no idea that this was his specialty before.

After that, she moves on to foot and leg movements. Unlike his arms, which are getting faster and more dexterous, his legs tremble with the simplest movements.

– Do you think you can stand up? Or are you too tired?

– Of course, I can. I can run two blocks if you want.

She laughs at his confidence.

– Okay. Your dad and I will support your arms, and you need to push with your legs. Since your arms are strong, you can use them for support too. On three, okay? One, two, three... push!

Dean's confidence fades in the first few seconds. He manages to support himself only by the strength of his arms. But his legs buckle under his weight.

– Okay, okay. Calm down. You won’t fall. We’re holding you. – Anne speaks calmly to convey security to him.

She and John sit him on the bed. His breathing is heavy from the effort.

– Just breathe. – John tells him.

– Let’s do it again – Dean says angrily.

– Dean, calm down. That’s not how it works, okay? You were lying down for many days. You went through a lot.

– I said I can do it again!

Anne hands him a glass of water and asks him to rest for a few minutes.

– Well, let’s try one more time then. One, two, three...

He lifts a few inches, and his legs give out after 4 seconds.

– Damn it!

– Dean, you did very well! That’s how it is. Don’t worry. We’ll continue again tomorrow. You’ll do even better.

John helps him lie down. Dean is red and looks irritated. His hair is stuck to his sweaty forehead.

– It was a good workout.

Dean rolls his eyes at him.

– I’m serious, Dean. We need to take it slow. You did well, considering everything.

– How am I supposed to hunt like this, Dad? How is this good?

– We’ll get there, okay? Don’t worry so much.

The room phone rings, and as soon as John answers, he says he can’t talk now.

– You can answer it. I’m fine.

– I know what to do, kid. You don’t give me orders.

– Is it about a hunt?

– Dean...

– I’m serious, Dad. It’s been days. I already asked what happened in the last hunt, and you don’t tell me!

– Dean, I didn’t finish, okay? In case you didn’t notice, I had other priorities.

– And Caleb?

– He tried, but he couldn’t.

– Did he get hurt? Did someone else get hurt?

– Dean, we’re not having this conversation!

– Someone died, right? Someone died because of me.

– Dean, stop. There was another victim. But it wasn’t your fault. Bobby is finding another hunter to solve this with Caleb. Caleb got hurt, but it wasn’t serious. He’s fine now.

– You can go with him.

– Dean, enough.

– Dad, I’m serious. You’re better at this than the other hunters. You and Caleb have already done all the research. I’m fine. You can go and solve this. It’s not that far from here, right?

– Closer than where we were. Caleb found out that the place we thought was the nest was wrong. It’s much closer to the city. Just 2 hours away.

– You can go and come back the same day. I’ll be fine. Sam will be fine too. Everything is under control.

– I’ll think about it, okay? We’ll see how it goes. I handle my things; I don’t need your opinion.

Four days pass, and Dean makes considerable progress in physical therapy. He can stand for a few minutes. Today, specifically, he managed to take a few steps... still uncoordinated and weak. But everyone is excited.

– Dean, Anne told me the news. That’s great. We didn’t expect it to be so fast – Dr. Ross admits to him and John.

– I like to surprise.

– We know well! You’ve given us some surprises. Some not very good, right John? – Dr. Ross smiles at John.

– Don’t remind me!

Dean laughs at this even though he’s not quite sure what they’re talking about.

– Okay, so I need to tell you that the moment you’ve been waiting for has arrived. We’re removing the catheter today. Your kidneys are functioning very well. We can already see your discharge on the horizon. But let’s take it slow.

Dean keeps smiling. Things are going very well. Finally.

– I need to warn you that there might be small incidents. You’ve had the catheter for a long time. You might feel some discomfort and difficulties. So, if it happens, I need you to be honest, okay? – Dean agreed immediately. He would agree to anything as long as they took this unpleasant thing out of him.

John also allowed himself to smile. Life seemed to be returning to normal. Seeing his son so well, smiling, looking healthy, was something he feared he wouldn’t get back. Dean had regained a good part of his weight now. There was still a lot to recover, but none of that mattered much now.

The next few days end up being less pleasant than expected. Dr. Ross was right. There could be “difficulties.” They just didn’t imagine it would be like this.

Chapter Text

The nurse removes the urinary catheter a little after dinner. Dean feels a bit embarrassed during the procedure, but the relief outweighs the embarrassment.

The night is wonderful. Finally, he can get into a more comfortable position without the catheter getting in the way. This helps him sleep incredibly well. He wakes up in a good mood, feeling renewed after everything that has happened in the past weeks.

As soon as John approaches, he notices something Dean hasn't realized yet.

– Did you try to drink some water?

– What? No.

– Your sheet is wet.

Dean looks at his sheet and lifts it, trying to understand what happened. Then he sees that not only the sheet is wet, but the mattress and his pajamas are too.

– Oh! – Understanding hits John along with the smell.

Dean keeps looking in shock, not understanding what's happening.

– Okay, you had an accident. It's not a problem. You must have slept heavily and with the IV fluids you're getting...

– No! There's no way this happened. – Dean speaks in shock. This isn’t happening.

– Don’t worry, okay? It's nothing serious. You were tired. It happens. It wasn’t your fault. – John sees Dean turning red. He understands. He's also embarrassed to see this. He knows how proud Dean is of being self-sufficient. He calls a nurse who quickly cleans everything and tells Dean that this is super normal and he shouldn’t worry about it.

The morning proceeds with some normalcy. He does the exercises with the physical therapist and continues to make great progress. Mid-morning, Dean asks to go to the bathroom. John helps him get there, but Dean says John doesn’t need to go in. Everything goes well. Sam arrives late in the morning and has lunch with Dean. Dean helps him with his homework, and then they play a bit, making him forget about what happened in the morning. Caleb also comes to visit Dean this morning, and he and Sam are excited about it.

In the afternoon, while the boys play, Caleb, John, and Pastor Jim analyze the evidence gathered from the last hunt. Jim helps them with some rituals. They are planning to hunt in the next few days.

– Damn it!

– Is there a problem, Dean? – John sees Dean turning red. – What happened? Sam?

– I don’t know, Dad. We’re just playing.

John watches Dean's breathing accelerate.

It happened just like that. He was playing with Sam on his bed. Suddenly, he feels it happen. Without any control over it. He feels the mattress getting wet underneath him. And he doesn’t even realize he was doing it. No. This isn’t happening. The morning incident with his dad was bad enough. He was worried it would happen again the next night. But it was daytime. He was awake. The room was full. Sam was right next to him. And he just wet himself. Without even realizing it. He wanted to die now. He grabs a pillow and puts it on his lap. Please, God. Don’t let Sam see this. Or anyone else here.

He doesn’t even hear John talking to him. He hears nothing around him. Panic grows inside him, and he can’t breathe properly anymore.

– Dean? Dad? What’s going on? – Sam asks, scared and confused.

– Dean, what happened? Look at me! What are you feeling? Calm down, you need to breathe. – John tries to calm Dean down, not understanding what’s happening.

– Dad... – Dean manages to say.

– What? Do you need something?

Dean nods. John sees his son’s embarrassment but doesn’t understand the source of it.

Pastor Jim also notices. He doesn’t know what's happening but knows Dean needs time and space.

– Sam and Caleb, it's time to go. Dean is tired. We shouldn’t have stayed this long. – Jim says without giving them a chance to refuse.

– Sam, Pastor Jim is right. Dean is fine. He’s just tired. You need to go now – John agrees, supporting Jim’s decision.

Sam is upset. They were in the middle of a game. And he was winning. How did Dean end up like this so suddenly? He’s tired of everyone always ordering him around. And they keep separating him from Dean. He hates it.

– Okay, Dean. What’s going on? Everyone’s gone. Talk to me.

Dean can’t. He just removes the pillow, and John sees.

– What happened? – John breathes in frustration.

Dean just shakes his head.

– Did you feel the need to go? Why didn’t you say anything? Dean, you just needed to tell me. I would’ve taken you to the bathroom!

– I didn’t...

– Didn’t what? - John couldn't contain his irritation. - Why did you do this? I get it in the morning, you were asleep. But now... this is not acceptable! Why didn’t you say anything?

– I DIDN’T DO IT ON PURPOSE. I DIDN’T EVEN FEEL THE NEED... – Dean explodes at John but can’t continue.

John doesn’t like this tone. Especially from Dean. He turns around, giving his back to Dean, trying to take a deep breath and remove the irritation and harshness from his voice. Okay. I need to calm down. I need to be patient. I need to remember he’s a child and still sick. And there’s no reason for Dean to do this on purpose. John’s thoughts try to understand and manage what happened.

John takes a deep breath and turns to look at Dean and try a new approach. But when he faces him, he sees his eyes full of tears, and a sob escapes Dean. He sees all the shame and mortification in his son.

Dean rests his head in his hands and cries out of embarrassment and frustration. He cries like John hasn’t seen him do in a long time. Not like this, consciously. When Dean cried due to the illness or procedures, his consciousness was too compromised for him to fight against it and hide his emotions. That’s not the case now. He’s conscious. But suffering to the point of being unable to hide it. And John knows how good Dean is at hiding his emotions. He knows it’s his fault. He made Dean grow up and “be a man” when he didn’t have the age or structure for it. He couldn’t demand this from him anymore. Not here. It was John who needed to be an adult and not expect Dean to make things easier for him, as he always did.

– I’m sorry, son. I know it’s not your fault. – John says, placing a hand on his shoulder.

– I WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS ON PURPOSE! I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS HOSPITAL. I HATE THIS LIFE. – Dean continues to shout through his tears.

– I know, I’m sorry, okay?

– But you just said...

– I’m sorry. I don’t think that. You need to calm down. Let’s talk to your doctor. He said there could be difficulties. He’ll solve it. It’s just temporary.

– I don’t want to talk to anyone about this. Just don’t!

– Okay. Just calm down so we can think. It’s not that serious. No one saw. It’s okay, alright? This isn’t even a problem considering everything that’s happened.

– Yes, Dad, for you!

Dean keeps crying. John realizes he’s being selfish by minimizing what Dean feels. He knows Dean has dealt with a lot. And considering everything, he’s been incredibly patient. The word “sequel” comes back to his mind, and he prays it’s not that. That it’s just temporary.

Dean feels humiliated. This is a limit for him. It makes him feel silly and childish. John sits on the bed and hugs him.

– We’ll solve this together. You don’t need to be ashamed of me. You know that, right? I’m your father. I can handle this. It’s nothing I haven’t done before. – Dean doesn’t respond. He just rests his head on John’s chest and cries all he needs to.

John helps Dean to the bathroom and assists with the bath. Quick and silent. He knows Dean is embarrassed by it all. And he understands. Meanwhile, Caroll changes Dean's sheets and continues to be great and efficient. She’s very good at dealing with children, and Dean trusts her.

When Dr. Ross appears at night, the first thing he asks is if everything went well with the catheter removal.

Dean lowers his eyes and says nothing. After much insistence, he had agreed with John that the doctor needed to know.

John tells the doctor everything that happened.

– Dean, it’s not worrying. This is very normal. You spent weeks with the catheter. The muscles need time to function well. Anyway, there are exercises, and I’ll ask your physical therapist to help you. I understand it's embarrassing for you, but you need to know this is something we deal with daily, okay? Meanwhile, we have options. There are protections you can use... like diapers.

– No! That’s not an option! I don’t want it.

– Okay, that’s fine. I figured you’d say that. But if it gets really bad, we’ll need to consider it. You need to know. For now, our other option is alarms. If your bladder is empty whenever it needs to be, this will hardly happen. It’s a way for your body to readjust to it. So for now, we’ll set the alarm every 2 hours. Then we’ll increase the time. But just in case, I’ll order some tests for you. They’re not painful, but they can be uncomfortable.

They followed the doctor’s strategy in the following days, and there were practically no accidents. It happened just one more time while he was sleeping. Besides the “accidents,” the headaches Dean had been experiencing since everything started worsened, leaving him more debilitated.

The next day, he started the requested tests. And what the doctor called “uncomfortable” didn’t even come close to the truth. It was horrible. The first ones weren’t bad. Pelvic ultrasound, X-ray, urine test. But in the following days, he needed a Urethrocystography and Uroflowmetry. When the doctor said it wouldn’t be pleasant, neither John nor Dean imagined the kind of discomfort it would be. But the embarrassment of the past few days multiplied when Dean realized he needed to pee in front of doctors for these two tests. He tried to focus on what the doctor said about them being “used to dealing with this.” But it didn’t help much. He wasn’t used to it. He really wanted to escape that place. He wanted it all to be over.

– Sam called. He asked to come see you. – John spoke to Dean’s back. He had been lying down since he got back from the last test, making it clear he didn’t want to talk. Sam had gone back to school in the past few days. He spent most of the day busy, but the rest of the time, he wanted to be with his brother.

– I don’t want to. – Dean responded before John even finished speaking.

– Dean, it’s been 3 days since you let him come. He misses you. And I know you miss him too.

Dean just sighed and closed his eyes.

– He doesn’t need to know, okay? It’s alright. We’ve managed the problem. He won’t even notice anything. – John continued trying to reason with Dean’s lack of arguments. But he kept getting the same silent treatment. – Alright. You’re tired today, and I understand. But tomorrow he’s coming. We’ll take care of everything.

Dean missed Sam. He just wanted things to return to normal. He wanted Sam by his side. But he wanted to be the old Dean again... he wanted to feel like the older brother he was.

Chapter Text

The next morning, Dr. Ross went over the test results with John and Dean.

– Dean had good results. Some changes were identified, but they are within expected limits. We identified slight hypotonia in the detrusor muscle. – Dr. Ross turned to speak directly to Dean – To explain it more clearly, your bladder also has muscles. Just like the muscles in your arms and legs became weak and needed training to regain strength, the muscle in your bladder also became weak. This can cause the episodes of incontinence you experienced. Your physical therapist has already been working with you on exercises to improve this. She told me you've already seen some improvements, right?

The doctor waited for a response, but Dean barely nodded. John thought it was better to respond for him. Dean had been maintaining his silent treatment with everyone.

– Yes, that's true. He already feels the need to go to the bathroom without needing the alarm. However, it's usually when his bladder is already full, and that gives us little time.

– This is called urinary urgency. It's another consequence of the muscle weakness. But as you've observed, we've already seen improvements. If you continue like this, I'm optimistic that this problem will soon be resolved.

Dean still didn't respond, and the doctor asked John to step outside the room so they could talk more privately.

– Mr. Smith, what's happening with Dean? I can see that this last issue affected him more than the others. Given his age, this is somewhat expected. I imagine he feels quite embarrassed. But I'm starting to worry about his psychological state.

– This isn't the first time this has happened. In very stressful situations, he shuts down and doesn't say anything. The first time this happened was when his mother died. He didn't speak for weeks.

– I can see that he is depressed. I'll arrange a consultation for him with psychiatry. He's been through a lot. I believe a psychiatrist can help him.

– Dr. Ross, I've been trying to avoid this question. But have we reached the stage of sequelae?

– I don't know if I'd call it that. Nothing seems very definitive in your son, which makes us optimistic. The problem he's having could predispose him to future urinary infections. We'll need to be vigilant about that. His mood changes could also be temporary. But there are indeed reports of this becoming a long-term issue. The point that seems most likely to be a sequela is the headache. Dean has been complaining more about them. I believe he is developing a migraine condition, which clearly worsens during stressful moments. But honestly, Mr. Smith, this isn't serious or even close to it. It will require some lifestyle changes and might interfere with some activities during the crises. However, it's not alarming, and there are ways to manage the issue. – Dr. Ross's optimism calmed John a bit.

The psychiatrist visited Dean right after lunch. Dean had not been sleeping well due to anxiety about having another accident. His eating was also affected. He was so depressed that he didn't want to eat anything. John also noticed that he was avoiding drinking any liquids. After the consultation, the psychiatrist spoke with John.

– Based on the evaluation and what you told me, Dean has a case of selective mutism and early childhood depression. I don't think this is a surprise to you. As you mentioned, this issue tends to resolve itself over time, as he begins to deal with the situation. In the meantime, don't force him to speak or do anything. He's trying to process everything that has happened and all the changes he's gone through. He needs patience and support. There are ways you can communicate with him through gestures and signals. This will help him. I'll provide you with some of these communication methods and will prescribe medication to help with his sleep and depression.

After school, Sam came to the hospital. He was excited and radiant, wanting to share the latest news with Dean. He also brought some notes that Dean's classmates had prepared for him.

– Dean! Look what I brought for you. – Sam shouted, bursting into the room.

Dean opened his eyes, looking disheartened and not reacting.

– Sam, let's go outside. I need to talk to you. Dean isn't feeling very well. – John said, pulling Sam by the hand.

John had thought a lot about what to say to Sam. But he couldn't hide this from Sam. It would only create more frustration for both boys.

– Sam, you know that Dean has been through a lot... – John sat Sam down on a sofa and sat in front of him.

– Of course. I was there...

– That's right. Dean hasn't been feeling very cheerful these days. I need you to be patient, just like I'm trying to be.

– What do you mean, Dad? What happened? – Sam dropped the notes in his lap and put a finger in his mouth.

– Many things that Dean has been going through make him sad and upset. He can't do many of the things he used to do. And that makes him feel embarrassed. Especially in front of you. Dean loves you. I know you know that. But we need to help him get through all this. Do you remember how he used to take care of everything? For me and for you? It's hard for him not to be able to do that now. It's nothing for you to worry about. I just want you to understand that Dean might not want to talk or do something right now. – John tried to find the best words so that Sam would understand without revealing things Dean didn't want Sam to know.

– We can take care of him. Just like he used to take care of us. – Sam spoke as if he had found the solution to all problems.

– Yes, that's what we're doing! You've been doing that very well, and that's great. But there are things that I need to do because I'm the dad here, okay? And you need to accept that. There may be days when Dean needs to be alone. I know you miss him, and believe me, he misses you a lot. It's just that he hasn't been able to understand very well what he's feeling. But it's not his fault and it's not yours. I need you to understand that.

– Will he be okay? – Despite John's careful words, Sam was worried. – When is he coming home?

– Soon. I want him out of here too. The doctors are taking care of the last details so we can have Dean back.

– Okay. Let's go back inside. He needs us.

John smiled at Sam's words. He had noticed that since that fateful day when he found Dean on the bathroom floor, there were moments of a certain role reversal between the boys. Dean continued to assert himself as the "older brother" and acted that way most of the time. But it was interesting to see how Sam understood the moments when he needed to be more mature. John could glimpse the man Sam would become in a few years.

Sam entered the room, went over to Dean, and kissed his brother's cheek.

– I missed you, Dean.

Dean blinked at him, and a sad smile escaped his lips.

– Let's watch some TV. Dad will put on the superhero show you like. – Sam said resolutely, without waiting for a response from Dean. He climbed onto the bed and sat next to Dean. The two of them didn't speak, but they shared the same space. Sam had missed this so much. And right there, he realized that as long as Dean was with him, he could handle anything that came their way.

Chapter Text

Dean continued to show progress in his exercises and treatment. The migraines had eased up in recent days, making him feel a bit more energetic. The absence of daytime accidents gave him more confidence. Nights were harder, especially with the psychiatrist's medication that made him sleep more heavily. It was awful and embarrassing to wake up wet on some nights. He still felt depressed about his limitations and the constant presence of people watching, poking, and analyzing everything he did. But John and Sam remained very patient through it all.

Sam had no idea about the accidents since he was no longer allowed to sleep at the hospital. Dean had grown more accustomed to John and Caroll helping him with this issue. It was still mortifying. But at least during the day he managed well, as long as he kept regular bathroom visits. Even this had improved; he was spending less time on the IV, and with less fluid entering his body, he could stretch the intervals between bathroom trips to three, sometimes even four hours.

He still felt very dependent on everyone, especially since he couldn't walk on his own yet. After a few steps, his legs would give out, and he needed assistance. He had also started speaking again, not much, just a few sentences, but it was communication, and John and Sam were happy with that. John began bringing up "the hunt" with Dean. It was something Dean liked to hear about. It gave him glimpses of his old life and cheered him up. As John sought his suggestions, Dean started participating in discussions with John and Caleb, which boosted his confidence.

John and Caleb knew they needed to act. The deaths were occurring in a specific pattern—every 30 days. Another one would happen soon, and they were running out of time.

—Dean, Caleb and I are going out tomorrow after lunch, once your physiotherapy session is over, okay? Everything's already planned. Pastor Jim will pick up Sam from school and they'll come stay with you.

—Okay, Dad. I know it's all planned. You’ve told me this five times already. Don't worry.

—You won't be alone for too long, so it won't be a problem.

—You've said that too. I know, okay? I'll be fine.

—And your headache?

—A bit worse than the other days. But it’s not that bad, I promise.—That wasn't entirely true. The headache was intense, and he felt nauseous, but he knew the hunt couldn't wait. Other people might die.

The next morning, as soon as John woke up and went to check on Dean, he saw that his son's eyes were tightly shut.

Dean had been awake for hours. His head was throbbing, and the nausea had worsened throughout the night. He didn't want to say anything. He didn't want to disrupt John's hunt.

—Dean? Is it your head? How bad is it?

—Hmm,—Dean couldn't respond as planned. The intense pain left him breathless.—It’s... hmm, bothering a bit. But I'll be fine.

John stared, trying to decide what to do. He didn't want to leave Dean alone but couldn't postpone the hunt. He decided to talk to the nurse, who administered a stronger medication to Dean.

—Why does he need the IV? He hasn’t used it for days,—John asked, confused.

—This medication is stronger. It can only be given this way. Dean will feel better soon. There's no need to worry.

Indeed, a few hours later, Dean seemed more alert. He still looked nauseous but was more responsive. John stuck to the previous day's plan. He took Dean to the bathroom before leaving with Caleb, to prevent any incidents.

—I'll be back soon, okay? It will only take a few hours.

Dean tried to smile to reassure John.

As soon as John left, Dean allowed himself to close his eyes. The headache had eased a bit, but the nausea persisted. He felt exhausted from the restless night. He tried to sleep to forget the nausea. Fatigue overtook him quickly.

Two and a half hours later, he woke up feeling uncomfortable. Before he even opened his eyes, a wave of nausea hit him hard. He sat up, trying to grab the vomit container next to the bed, just in case. But the movement made him aware of another discomfort—his bladder was intensely full. He tried to understand what had happened. It hadn't been that long since he last went to the bathroom. This didn't make sense. Then he remembered the IV still running.

Pastor Jim and Sam hadn't arrived yet. He couldn't wait. His bladder was screaming to be emptied. He knew he had to act fast. His heart started racing as he realized he didn't know what to do and had no time to think. The nausea worsened with the nervousness.

Okay, I need the bathroom. I can't wait.

He got out of bed and held onto the IV stand. It wasn’t stable or safe. He leaned on the bed and started taking steps toward the bathroom. It wasn’t a long walk, but he hadn’t managed it without John's help yet. But today, he had no choice. The full bladder made him tremble and sweat. He tried to focus on each step, keeping his legs tightly closed, which increased the imbalance. But there was no other way to do this and get to the bathroom with your dry clothes, if it weren't this way. He tried with all his will to make his body hold out until he reached the bathroom. His heart beat so fast he felt it vibrate inside him. God, please. Let me make it in time.

After passing the side of the bed, the worst part came—the part of the room with no support. He tried placing one foot in front of the other, leaning on the IV stand. His legs shook. Each step sent waves to his bladder, and it responded, making the urgency clear. Maybe it was the nervousness, but the nausea hit him hard, and he put a hand over his mouth to hold back the vomit.

Halfway between the bed and the bathroom door, his legs gave out. He tried to lean on the IV stand, but it only made things worse, and he ended up toppling over it and falling hard to the floor. He felt sharp pain in his arm as the needle got yanked out, tearing the skin. As soon as he fell, he had no strength left. His whole body shook, and everything he was trying to hold in came out uncontrollably.

He didn’t know how long he lay there. Time seemed to stop. He kept trembling, trying to assess the situation and think about what to do. But the despair hit him fully. His legs and pajama pants were soaked. Blood trickled from the torn needle site on his arm. Vomit was all around him and on his shirt. He needed help. There was no one here. He tried getting up but only fell again. His heart pounded so hard it made his chest hurt. He could hardly breathe. Panic and helplessness overwhelmed him. He hadn't even realized he was crying.

—Sam, don’t run. Wait for me,—Pastor Jim called out to Sam, who seemed not to hear. He always got excited when it was time to see Dean. Especially now that Dean was doing better, talking to him and helping with some tasks.

Sam burst into the room, only to be shocked by what he saw.

—DEAN!

Pastor Jim heard the panic in Sam’s voice and hurried to see what had happened.

—Dean, oh my God...!

Sam shouldn’t be here! Not now! This can’t be happening!

—Go away. Get out of here.

—Dean... calm down,—Sam responded, shocked by what he was seeing and the way Dean spoke to him. His brother was on the floor, and everything was a mess. Again.—Someone help my brother!—Sam began shouting, not knowing what else to do.

—Sam, it's okay. We’ll help your brother.—Pastor Jim said in his usual calm voice, approaching Dean.—Dean, stay calm. It’s okay. We’re here to help you. Breathe.

Pastor Jim put a hand on Dean, who recoiled even further, trying to shrink away from Jim's touch.

—NO! Get away. Now! I DON’T NEED HELP! GO! I WANT TO BE ALONE!

—Son, it’s okay, alright? We’re going to get you up. You just need to breathe. I’ll take care of everything.

Sam huddled in a corner of the room, covering his ears with his hands. He didn't want to hear or see any of this. Dean was screaming, crying, and completely terrified.

Jim tried to touch Dean again, but every attempt only made Dean scream louder and withdraw further from any possibility of touch or comfort.

Caroll heard the commotion from Dean and Sam and rushed towards the room.

—Oh Dean! What happened to you, sweetheart?—she said, kneeling near him. As she moved closer, Dean curled up to get away from her. She raised her hands and tried to speak in the calmest, softest voice possible.—It’s okay! I won’t touch you. No one will touch you, okay? I just need you to calm down and breathe so I can help you. Remember? I'm here to help you. It’s all right. You’re going to be fine.

—NO! GO AWAY!

The hunt had been straightforward. He and Caleb were very prepared this time. It was practically "salt and burn." Caleb probably could have handled it alone, but after the last time when he got hurt, no one wanted to take any chances.

And he had to admit how good it felt! It had been months since his last hunt. Honestly, during much of that time, he hadn't even thought about it. His family occupied all his thoughts and concerns. But in recent weeks, he had started to miss that adrenaline rush. Being back on the road again. As his worries about Dean lessened, the hunter mode began to resurface within him.

It still wasn't possible to return to his old life, but maybe a few hunts like this were doable. Soon after, he was back in town. Initially, he considered going to the motel, taking a shower, and maybe resting a bit. Dean was fine. Pastor Jim was with him and Sam.

But, despite trying to convince himself of this, he couldn't stop himself from heading straight to the hospital. He was still a bit worried about Dean's headache from earlier. Maybe Dean needed him. It had been harder to stay away from the boys after everything that happened. Besides, he knew Dean wanted to hear about the hunt’s outcome.

As soon as he turned the corner to Dean’s room, the screams hit him.

Screams from Dean. It was hard to recognize. It was his son's voice, but the manner was... so unlike Dean. It sounded like a much younger Dean, in panic. Then he heard Sam’s screams mixed with Dean's and rushed towards them.

—What happened…?

Chapter Text

— What happened...?

As soon as he entered the room, several things hit him at once. Dean's panic. The dirt in the room. The blood. The vomit. The urine. The smell. Sam's panic. Caroll and Jim crouched next to Dean, and Dean trying to move away from them. The ongoing screams. The fallen IV stand.

— What happened? — John asked again, approaching the scene in front of him.

— It's okay, dear. Your dad is here. You can calm down now. — Caroll tried to soothe Dean.

Jim stood up and looked at John, not knowing what to say.

— He was like this when we got here.

John moved closer to Dean, and Dean flinched away from him, just as he did with everyone who tried to get near him.

— GET AWAY! I DON'T NEED HELP.

— Son, it's okay, alright? It's me! — John put a hand on Dean's neck, forcing him to look at him.

— Don't touch me. Don't touch me. — Dean said between sobs, as John pulled him closer. — No! I'm dirty.

— I don't care. I just want you to calm down. - John began to use his new soft tone of voice, which had been born since this nightmare began.

John completed the motion, not letting Dean escape anymore. He held his son in his arms and kept speaking softly to him, trying to calm him down.

— It's over, okay? I'm here with you. You can relax now. Daddy will take care of everything.

— I don't want anyone. — Dean kept sobbing, clinging to John. — I can't take this anymore. I just want it to end.

John turned to Jim and asked him to take Sam outside. He looked at Sam and saw how frightened his youngest son was. He understood what the whole scene looked like to Sam. It reminded him of the beginning of all this. He wanted to comfort Sam too. But Dean needed him more.

— Sam, Dean is fine. Don't worry. It's not what it seems. It was just an accident. Dean isn't sick again. You need to wait outside while daddy will fix everything.

Pastor Jim picked Sam up and took him outside.

John lifted Dean with him and sat in the armchair with his son in his arms. He continued talking to Dean in a calm and gentle manner. And Dean kept repeating that he couldn't take it anymore.

— I know... it will pass. You've improved so much. You can't give up now. Giving up is not an option in our family. I won't let you do that.

John didn't even fully understand what had happened. He just knew it wasn't good. While he held Dean, Caroll began to clean the blood from Dean's arm.

— It's okay, sweetheart. It wasn't a deep cut. We'll put a bandage on it. But if you're in pain, just let us know, and we'll take care of it.

After the bandage, she and John took Dean to the bathroom and gave him a bath. He continued crying softly and sobbing. The panic had passed, and now he seemed... desolate.

Dean fell asleep after a while. Caroll administered the medication the doctor had prescribed to help him sleep. She saw that Dean's body still trembled with the sobs that persisted.

John stood there, holding his hand and caressing his head... feeling exhausted. He looked at Dean and the completely clean room in contrast to the earlier scene. He had even changed into a clean shirt. The other one was a complete mess.

— I've never seen him act like this. I've never seen him think about giving up... — John said with a sigh, as he removed his hand from Dean's head and scratched his stubble.

— Oh John. Dean is tired. He's been through so much. He's overcome things that no one thought possible. Let's give him some credit. What happened today wasn't serious. It was just the accumulation of weeks of him trying to deal with this hurricane that happened. You've never seen him act like this... I've never seen a boy his age remain so strong despite losing everything he was.

— I don't know how to help him...

— You will. You've been doing a great job, believe me! And you know what else? You're very lucky with the boys you have. You'll see that tomorrow he'll wake up much better. Let him rest. You should get some rest too. But before that, Sam is still outside... I know you don't want to leave Dean alone. Go talk to Sam. I'll stay here with Dean. — Caroll said, giving John a pat on the back.

John took a deep breath and went to see Sam.

— Hey kiddo, how are you doing?

Sam ran towards John and hugged him.

— Hey. It's okay. Dean is resting. He's going to be fine. I promise you. Remember what I told you about him not being able to do some things and it making him frustrated? — Sam nodded, and John continued. — That's what I was talking about, okay? Today was worse than other days. And unfortunately, you had to see it. But Dean is really okay. It doesn't make him weak. I need you to understand that. These are just difficulties. But he's been improving and soon he'll be home with you and me. Now, we all need to rest. It's been a long day.

Sam stayed hugged to John a little longer and said goodbye, heading to the motel with Pastor Jim.

— If Dean wakes up, tell him I'll be back tomorrow.

— Sure thing. I will.

John slept in the armchair next to Dean. He wanted to make sure he was there in case his son needed him. When he woke up feeling more rested, he saw Dean looking at him.

— Hey son! You're awake already? It's still early.

— I'm sorry, Dad. — Dean spoke so softly that John almost didn't hear. There was so much sadness in him...

— There's nothing to apologize for. It was just a bad moment with a lot of aggravating factors. But it's nothing to worry about. It's over now.

— I didn't mean to say those things... or yell at everyone.

— We know that. No one is hurt.

— Sammy saw everything... - The desolation increasing with this realization.

— He's okay. You don't need to be ashamed. He was much more worried than anything else. I talked to him, and he didn't ask me any questions about it. He still doesn't know anything about your pee accidents. I didn't say anything to him. I promise. It remains something that only you and I know. Sam just wanted to know if you were going to be okay. That's all he needs. And me too...

— I know... I won't give up.

— Of course you won't. I'd kick your butt if you did that. — John said to lighten the mood, and Dean gave a small smile.

— And the hunt?

— All sorted. No more victims. — John said, smiling, and Dean returned his smile. He didn't want more people to get hurt. — Caleb will come to see you soon. Now you should get some more sleep. It's not even fully dawn yet.

Dean continued with rehabilitation as usual. Each day, he made a little more progress. Today, he managed to walk alone around the room, using just the walker. It felt good not having anyone holding him. After the incident on the day of the hunt, he took the exercises even more seriously. He needed to regain his independence and dedicated himself to it. The next step would be walking with a crutch until he didn't need support anymore.

Sam didn't mention the incident again. Every day after school, he brought some tasks for Dean and brought all his usual light. With Dean's improvement, the school started sending assignments so he wouldn't fall behind in his studies.

— John, I need to talk to you. I've been trying to avoid it, but I need to go back to Blue Earth. You know, a friend has been taking care of my church. But there are some things I need to resolve.

— It's okay, Jim. I understand.

— I can come back in a few days. It's just while I get things better organized. You know I love the boys.

— Jim, you've done much more than I could ever ask for. Don't worry. We'll manage. I'll never be able to thank you enough.

— John, you don't need to manage alone. You never really had to. Bobby...

— No! That's not up for discussion.

— John, Bobby loves the boys just like I do. You haven't even told him what's happened. Sioux Falls is less than two hours from here. Dean and Sam would love to see him. — Even when Bobby got involved with the hunt, to consider sending another hunter, it was Caleb who spoke with him. He didn't give Bobby the details because John wouldn't allow it.

— Jim, you know Bobby doesn't agree with my methods. You remember how our last meeting ended.

— I don't always agree either, but here I am. I'm sure Bobby will be perfectly capable of overlooking everything that happened. You need to stop being so stubborn and think about the boys.

— It's not necessary. I can handle it alone.

The next day, Jim left after visiting Dean and promising to come back. Sam gave him a long hug. It had been really good having this time with them, despite the circumstances. Even better, it was being able to return home with relief flooding him for seeing Dean doing so well.. He just wanted them to be okay. Sam stayed at the hospital with Dean and John and seemed excited to spend more time with his brother.

— Mr. Smith, we are all very happy with Dean's progress. It's unbelievable to remember how he was when he arrived and see how healthy he is now. I'm pleased to tell you that I spoke with the team, and we've decided to discharge him. — Dr. Ross updated John during his daily visit.

— This is wonderful news. Dean will be thrilled.

— I'm sure. But first, I need to talk to you. Although he's being discharged, you know there's still a road to recovery. Dean needs rehabilitation to fully regain all his movements. There are some places I'd like to recommend. But first, I need to know... you mentioned that you travel a lot...

— Yes, my job requires us to be constantly on the move. It's a bit tiring, but we're used to it. — John tried to convey confidence in what he was saying.

— Well, that's my concern. This won't be good for Dean right now. Dean needs a fixed place where he can readjust and fully recover. Besides, there might still be difficulties...

— What kind of difficulties? — John asked, fearing the answer.

— Aftereffects — Dr. Ross took a deep breath, knowing how much John feared that word. — Dean has migraines. This you already know. They are not severe or worrisome. But we need to monitor them. There are other things that can occur after a meningitis episode. In cases that worsened like Dean's, we only consider the patient truly discharged after a year.

— What kind of aftereffects are we talking about?

— Infections, due to the limitations he still has. Kidney and lung problems, because of the insufficiency he experienced. Weakness, concentration difficulties, neuropathy, seizures. These are some of the most common. Dean needs to be re-evaluated monthly for the next year. I'd like to suggest that he continue to be monitored by our team. We know his case. It would be better for him. If any symptoms arise, you should seek us out. If not possible, we can find a referral hospital. But I recommend that it be the same hospital to provide this care.

— How would this fit into our constantly changing lives?

— It wouldn't. That's my point. Dean needs a place where he feels safe. Where he feels comfortable during this adaptation period and can be well cared for. It will be good for Sam too, you know that. It will be a year when they will need you more.

John didn't like the direction of that conversation. Their life involved hunting, and that wouldn't change. He promised the doctor to think about it.

Dean and Sam were thrilled with the discharge news. John allowed himself to smile with them. But his mind kept replaying the conversations with the doctor and Jim.

Sioux Falls was only a few kilometers away. Bobby loved the boys. He knew that. If they were there, the hospital could monitor Dean since the distance wasn't too great. But thinking about talking to Bobby and swallowing his pride was difficult.

Jim's house in Minnesota was also an option. Jim had offered it to him. But it was much farther from the hospital, and he needed to think about Dean. About keeping him safe.

Yes, he knew he should call Bobby. He took a deep breath and made the call.

— Yes! — Bobby's voice came from the other side, as grumpy as always.

John took a deep breath.

— Bobby.

— John? This better be important. Where are the boys?

— That's what I need to talk about.

— What happened, John? What did you do?

Always the same accusatory tone. John swallowed the urge to hang up on Bobby and told him what had happened. He might have omitted the beginning, when John left the boys in the motel with Dean already sick. It didn't seem as important now.

— John, I'm coming there. Tell me the name of the hospital.

— Bobby, it's not necessary. That's why I'm calling. I need your help.

John didn't even need to suggest it. As soon as he explained Dean's condition, Bobby ordered him to bring them to his house. He would take care of everything.

Bossy old man. But John felt gratitude. It wasn't time for arguments. Bobby cared about the boys, and that made him reliable.

John explained to the boys where they were going, and they couldn't be happier. They loved Uncle Bobby and they all needed him now.

Chapter Text

Epilogue

The day was beautiful. The cloudless sky. Just a bright sun, reflected in Baby. John loaded the suitcases into the trunk.

The entire healthcare team came to say goodbye to Dean. Caroll hugged him and expressed how happy she was to see him doing so well.

Sam holding Dean's hand. Just like they used to. Dean protecting Sam. Dean's other hand on the crutch, making sure he wouldn't fall. The steps were slow and unsteady. But no one seemed to mind.

John let Dean have his moment but stayed close. He still wobbled and tired easily.

Dean only had eyes for Baby. He got into the front seat. Closed his eyes. Took a deep breath. A huge smile on his lips.

John had planned to make a stop after 30 minutes. Even though it was a short trip, he didn't want to risk Dean having an accident, especially in front of Sam. That would crush his son's confidence. This planning was part of their new normal. Just like the fact that, next year, they would have a permanent residence. It wasn't exciting, but John was quite content with the hand fate dealt him.

ACDC starts to play. Dean assumes his cocky air he always had when he was in Baby.

— You were right, Sammy. I missed home. — Dean said, tapping the dashboard to emphasize his point.

Sam smiled. Everything was in place now. They had a different kind of normal. But he liked it. But, most importantly, he had his home back.

The end