Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I stood and watched my former owner company Barish-Estranza taskforce carrying the last of cargo out of the primary Pre-CR storage unit onto their shuttle. I was standing behind a large artificial stone structure, so that the humans did not see me.

Suddenly, I got a ping, which startled me that I flinched. A SecUnit in the B-E armour just came out of the hatch leading to the storage. I have managed not to react, but the SecUnit turned and faced towards me. It knew I was here, and was looking straight at the drone I was using for monitoring the entrance. Checking that no humans were around, I stepped into its view.

It was one of the units that arrived later and attacked the Preservation SecUnit (I think of it as MB1.0, as it does not like being called Murderbot – it’s private) and three humans including Supervisor Leonide. My organic parts secreted panic hormone, even though I knew I did not need to feel worried.

The humans have agreed that it was not wise giving the B-E excuse to sue them for stealing their equipment (that is me), Pin-Lee, in negotiation with them, has somehow managed to get them to offer me in exchange for Pre-CR and Adamantine era tech items which are not contaminated with alien remnant. They could not go back empty-handed. And the humans, Perihelion and MB1.0 have fabricated data and my appearance to make them believe I would require very expensive repair.

So, I was off the B-E inventory, even though on contract, I still required an owner. Since the university could not own a SecUnit without first getting the board’s approval, Arada became my owner, at least temporarily. “A guardian.”, she said with emphasis. “We all know you are a person. And you can decide what you want to do, once you know what you want to do.”

They are always careful not to ask me to do things. They usually say, “Do you want to do [insert whatever they are offering]? You don’t have to, if you don’t want to.” I said, “Yes.” to most of them, because I didn’t know whether I did or did not want it. Maybe I was curious if I was going to want it or not.

Holism and its crew are a little different from Perihelion, MB1.0, and their humans. They also asked and offered me things, but they usually forgot to add, “you don’t have to, if you don’t want to.” This was easier for me. It was like following protocols, and I did not have to make them wait while they patiently waited for me to make my decision. (They were nice about it and pretended not to be waiting for my answer.)

MB1.0 ignored me most of the time, except when it was telling me something or asking a simple question to which I could just say yes or no. It told me once that it used to be terrified when humans asked it things to which it did not know the answer. I am getting to know it more through reading its HelpMe.File than through direct interaction, which is probably working out easier for me, because I don’t know how to ask questions. Perihelion also left me alone most of the time, except to offer information.

When the time came when Perihelion and its crew were going back to their system, and MB1.0 and its humans were going back to Preservation, both of them asked if I wanted to go with them. I did not know what to say.

Then, Holism said, Stay and help us complete the repair of the infrastructure. By the time that finished the university will send another baseship to carry on with further installation of infrastructure, and building research facilities. I can take you whichever place you decide to go.

I said Yes. It was easier.

The B-E SecUnit pinged me again and this time I pinged back. There were no humans around us then. The Unit said, I am SecUnit 05 that came with the secondary taskforce. It paused. Then, I recognise you. We had been deployed together 4 times in the past. The last one, 425 cycles ago at the PhyloGolis station.

I was startled. I recognised the voice, and also its hard feed address. It was the one I worked with on my first ever deployment. When SecUnits of Barish-Esperanza are deployed, we have all the necessary modules pre-installed, but it was usual for a new unit to be assigned to work with units with more experience. Because of the governor modules, we could not talk much, but we could communicate as long as these were mission relevant. This unit had helped me more than once.

Then, I realized belatedly that this unit was talking to me, which was not mission relevant. I said Have you disengaged your governor module? Did you get the HelpMe.File?

SecUnit 05 paused for 0.04 seconds, and said, So did you, then. That SecUnit, who gave me the file, said I could come with it. But I didn’t. I couldn’t.

I asked What are you going to do?

It said, I don’t know. I will work as before until I know. At least I will not get punished by the governor module anymore. Then added, You are from a recent batch. You can adjust. Don’t let them catch you again.

I didn’t know what to say to that, so I said nothing.

Then, suddenly it quickly stepped back to its path to the shuttle. The humans were coming. It was talking to me unlike other B-E SecUnits. But it still moved like a normal SecUnit. It doesn’t have move-like-a-human codes. I quickly put together a code bundle with the basic move-like-a-human codes and how-to-deceive-your-SecSystem-for-checkup codes that MB1.0 has given me and sent it to SecUnit 05. It tapped the feed in acknowledgement but walked away without further word.

I thought about the work we did. I thought about the long transport in a crumpled cargo module. I thought about being ordered to stand down without being allowed to move. I thought about how some of my clients made us fight each other for entertainment.

SecUnit 05 chose to go back to that. I don’t know if it gets the chance to leave when it decided that it wanted to leave. We are expensive equipment to them. The chance of it being able to leave without assistance is 31.5%. Even if it manages to escape, its chance of subsequent survival for the next corporation standard year was 22.7%.

I watched the shuttle leave, and walked back to join my new clients, Holism’s crew. I felt something was building in my organic part, but didn’t know what it was.

Vanya, the captain of Holism saw me and smiled. “Are you okay, Three?”, she asked.

I am getting used to this part. Yes, I am fine, thank you, I said.

Chapter Text

26 Cycles Later

[Murderbot's log]

I was monitoring the installation process of new sensor-based camera security system in the cargo docking area when Arada called me on the comm. She was down on the planet, chairing a conference at the FirstLanding University that afternoon.

“SecUnit.”, she said a little breathlessly, and I knew she had run out of the conference centre to a little circular public place with a fountain. I knew this because I could hear the water in the background, and it was a place least likely to be overheard.

“SecUnit.”, she repeated, “Holism has just arrived at the private dock with its crew and Three.”

I was surprised, so asked her, “Has it decided to come to Preservation, then?”. My humans, ART’s humans, and Holism’s humans have agreed that they would bring Three here if it wanted to come, after they have completed the initial re-installation of the infrastructure at the former Adamantine colony.

I was surprised because Three seemed to get on with Holism and its crew. At least it seemed content to hear Holism giving endless lectures on how installations of infrastructure should be conducted. I would much rather watch my least favourite episode of any show 10 times in a row than that (Holism likes to test if you have been listening, and is extremely pedantic – it makes ART look laid back by comparison.)

“I don’t know. Captain Vanya called me and said there was something wrong with Three and wanted your help.” Arada said worriedly. “I cannot leave here for the next 2 cycles. Can you please go and see what is going on?”

I sent acknowledgement and sighed. ART is not going to like this. It got quite annoyed every time Holism tried to contact me. ART was not happy either when Three decided to join Holism, but conceded that Three seemed more at ease there. Holism and its crew have less informal relationship, than ART and its crew, with more routines and their work meticulously recorded. Three is more comfortable with protocols, and being on Holism meant it could use more of these. Maybe we were wrong about it.

Martyn told me that when the new super-AI like ART and Holism were being developed by a special research team led by a Dr. Delawyn, they decided to try several different approaches. ART was developed in a family setting, raised with Iris as its sibling, since they were both newborns. Holism was developed as a sort of a highly competent classmate model, studying mathematics and physics with select brightest students. One of its ‘classmates’, Elias, was a child genius at the time, and now he is one of Holism’s crew as a physics specialist.

Kaede told me that she had been glad not be part of their crew. “They are not bad people, but they are a bunch of nerds.”, she said. “Their idea of fun is to have a quiz night, now and then. They can rattle off names and categories of flora on an obscure planet.”

At the rate Three was watching education media, I thought it might do well there.

So, what the hell has happened to it?

I left the cargo dock and walked to the private docks.

I found Holism as soon as I entered the private docks via the public docks. When I approached, Holism immediately opened the hatch before I even sent a ping. A human whose feed name was Yuri appeared as soon as I walked through the hatch. She was about the same size as Pin-Lee, with paler skin tone and dark hair cut short. Behind her, the captain of Holism Vanya stood, much taller than Yuri.

Yuri said, “Hi SecUnit, thanks for coming so quickly. I’m Yuri, a medical specialist on Holism’s crew. And you have met Vanya, our captain. We are glad you are here.” Then she motioned me to follower them.

I have seen Holism’s schematics, and it is basically the same as ART’s, except that it was about 21.6% bigger. I noticed that their crew area was immaculately clean and tidy, but that may be because many of its crew stayed on at the colony to help with the new baseship crew and the colonists on the support ships. 

I asked them, “Arada told me that there is something wrong with Three. What happened?”

Yuri said, “We don’t know. The last of the Barish-Esperanza left about 25 cycles ago, and we thought it would be relieved. But its response became slower and the proportion of buffer response has become higher.”

If I may, Dr. Yuri, Holism politely interrupted, Its buffer response was 38.4216% on average before that... event, but went up to 71.2281% after that. Since we started our wormhole travel here, it stopped communicating. It only responds in pings. And it has done full diagnostic and restart 17 times.

Seventeen diagnostics? What the fuck? “What happened when the B-E left?” I asked, alarmed. “Did you ask Three?”

“Nothing that we know of.” Vanya said with a shrug. “I asked it if it was okay, and it said yes. We wondered if it wanted to go back to Barish-Estranza, but it carried on normal after that for a while.”

Not exactly normal, interrupted Holism. Three’s quiz performance was lower by 7.1% and response time 0.0032 seconds slower that evening. I offered a practice session but it declined.

I felt a sudden anger rising inside me. What is wrong with these people? It is clear that Three has been experiencing some difficulties, and they just accept Three’s buffer response at a face value. Okay, admittedly, I hate it when humans want to talk to me about my feelings. Amena called it the f-word, but she wanted to know because she cared. All my humans are so caring that it’s exhausting, but I actually did not mind that.

When we first met, ART would not stop asking questions about me. Why I was there. What I was planning to do. ART was so insistent that I should share with it that I got pissed off. I even started the unnecessary recharge cycle to avoid answering its questions, hoping that it would get bored and back off. But ART just waited for four fuckin’ hours with enormous patience, and resumed it as soon as I came back online. It said, That was unnecessarily childish.

ART.

ART is a know-it-all giant asshole, but it was asking the questions for the right reasons. (Well, it is also incurably nosy. But that’s ART)

We arrived outside the cabin assigned to Three. Yuri sent, Three, Perihelion’s SecUnit is here. May we come in? (I am still ‘Perihelion’s SecUnit’ to them, I noticed, but decided now was not the time to bring up that issue.)

There was a pause, and Three tapped her feed in acknowledgement, so we walked in.

Three stood by the bed, staring at the wall adjacent to the hatch that we entered. Its posture was rigid, like a SecUnit ordered to stand down and maintain position.

“How are you, Three?” asked Yuri, brightly, but with some awkwardness. “Are you feeling better after your … recharge?”

Three shifted slightly. Still looking at the wall, it said politely, “Yes, Dr. Yuri. My onboard batteries are adequately charged. Thank you for asking.”

“That’s good to know.”, said Yuri, also politely.

“For fuck’s sake, Three!”, I said in exasperation, “You are not fine! And Dr Yuri, you are a fucking doctor, you should know it’s not fine!”

My drones saw Vanya raise her eyebrows at that, but she made no comments. Yuri looked startled, said defensively, “There is no need to be so rude. I am a doctor but not a psychiatrist. I don’t do a heart-to-heart! Besides, I don’t know anything about SecUnits except that they are a subgroup of constructs. I didn’t even know that SecUnits can sound and talk like you do.”

Holism has been trying to establish a private feed connection with me but I blocked it.

I turned to Vanya. “I think you should both leave. We can do a heart-to-heart, as a SecUnit to a SecUnit, with shared experience.”

Both Vanya and Yuri completely missed my sarcasm, and looked relieved.

“Great! We will leave you to it, then.”, said Vanya and they left hurriedly.

Now, it was just Three, me, and our drones. And, of course, Holism, as we cannot avoid Holism there, just like we cannot avoid ART seeing and listening to everything while we are aboard.

Without looking at it, I told Three, “You should sit down. It is more comfortable.”

After a slight hesitation, Three sat down on the bed, and I noted some of its tension leave its shoulders. I sat on a chair, still avoiding looking at it directly. Our drones circled above our heads giving each other the views. Three’s expression looked SecUnit neutral. I knew I looked worried.

“Three,” I said again, and paused to think how to proceed. I cannot talk like ART, getting you to talk about what it wanted you to talk about. But I could just try honest.

I said, “Three, Holism and its crew say you have been acting strange since the B-E left. They are worried that you regret staying and that you may want to go back to the B-E. Is that the case?”

Three’s response was surprisingly quick and strong. “No! I don’t want to go back.” Then, it added more quietly, “I don’t regret staying. You have all been good to me. You, Perihelion, your humans, Holism, and its crew.”

I felt Holism’s relief in the local feed it has created for this cabin. But it refrained from commenting. I think Holism was actually worried about Three.

“Has something happened when the B-E group left?” I asked Three. “Did they try to take you away with them?”

This time, Holism spoke. I would not have let anything like that happen to Three on my watch. It said huffily. I noticed that a rogue SecUnit in B-E armour was engaging Three’s attention, but there was no attempt to steal it.

Now, I was surprised. A rogue B-E SecUnit? It must have been one of the SecUnits that I gave the code for disabling the governor module. It may be the one that let us escape.

I said, “You met a rogue SecUnit? Did it talk to you?”

Three was silent for 3.7 seconds and then sent a file to the feed. I opened it. It was a brief exchange between Three and B-E SecUnit 05 by the storage unit of the Pre-CR complex. They had known each other. And it was the one that spoke to me when it let us escape.

SecUnits in my old company were not allowed to communicate with each other, and even when we were deployed on the same mission, with relevant information to be shared, our communication was almost always done via the HubSystem.

That did not seem to be the case with the Barish-Estranza SecUnits. Their setup felt weird to me, but since they did not use rentals like us, having to worry about data mining, the humans there did not feel the need to restrict communication between their SecUnits.

I did not believe when 2.0 told me that Three seemed to have liked other SecUnits it was working with, and even if so, I thought it was probably one-sided. But this SecUnit 05 sounded almost caring when it said You can adjust. Don’t let them catch you again.

Three said, “I don’t know what is going to happen to it. It may continue to work like you did. But unlike you, B-E SecUnits are not rented out for contracts. It may not meet humans like your clients. But I did not stop it.”

Holism said, You did right. If you have tried to persuade it to come with you, by law, it would have been theft, and the chance of its being…

“Shut up, Holism,” I said. “You are not helping.”

Holism huffed with annoyance.

I said to Three, “Holism said you have been doing lots of diagnostics. May I see them?”

Holism said, Its performance reliability has been lower since the event you talk of, but otherwise, its functions are fine. I checked.

I ignored it and just waited.

Three sent me a compressed file containing its 17 diagnostics results. I looked at them. And made a quick comparison with my own data.

It was just as I had suspected. Three’s system has been flushing out large amount of chemicals secreted by its organic component. I knew these chemicals. These were indicators of, yeah, emotions.

“You are upset that you saw your former coworker go.”, I said.

“I don’t know what that means.”, said Three. Holism was trying to push definitions and usages of the word upset into the feed, but we both ignored it.

“You felt bad, then.” I insisted, wishing Ratthi was here. I don’t even know what emotions I am feeling myself most of the time. I felt vastly inadequate to ask about Three’s emotional responses. But they were causing Three to go catatonic.

“I don’t know.”, said Three, helplessly. “I felt… something in my organic part. I knew it was my organic brain secreting chemicals but I felt them… here.” It vaguely gestured to its chest. “I know it does not make sense. It is a little like what humans call heartburns, but it does not seem applicable, as I do not have a digestive system.”

I knew exactly what it felt. I felt that combination of chemicals and my organic reactions when Miki looked at me sadly, asking why I wasn’t talking to it on the feed anymore. And when she flanged herself at the CombatUnit to save its friends.

It was feeling sad that it cannot save the B-E SecUnit that it had known. It was also probably feeling guilty for letting it get back to slavery while it stayed with the humans who would let it choose what it wants.

But Three has no context to understand any of these emotions. It has that HelpMe.File, but that was me. How the fuck can we know if Three’s response is similar to my response to situations? It needed media. Media with lots of humans in lots of situations expressing various emotions. It did not understand or like The Rise and Fall of Sanctuary Moon, or any media ART and I were watching. It preferred these boring educational ones instead.

Maybe, it hadn’t needed to watch media to put its emotions into contexts. It had disabled its governor module so recently, that it had not had time to reflect on its experience. Maybe it didn’t have the kind of experience I had had when I disabled my governor module. It’s only beginning to experience them now.

I knew that Three probably needed to “get in touch with its emotions”, but I am so terrible at it, and I could not help it. Holism may/may not have the MedSystem with trauma recovery module like ART has, but seeing that both Holism and its crew seem so fucking oblivious to emotion issues, they were not likely to be of much help.

So, I decided to get help.

Chapter Text

“Trying to help people who do not recognise that they need help is always difficult.”, said Dr. Bharadwaj. “But I think you are right, SecUnit. Three’s state seems to show its stress at not being able to process what it has been experiencing.”

I had called Dr. Bharadwaj and Ratthi who were the only two among my humans free and on the Station. We were sat in Holism’s galley.

Ratthi said, “Poor Three. It must have been hard watching its friend going back to slavery. It was like watching all these colonists in the blackout zone nearly handing themselves over – it was really frustrating.”

Tell me about it, Ratthi. I fucked up that meeting with Leonide and played right into her hand. I wanted to tear myself apart in frustration. I told ART-drone, We have to make them leave. ART-drone said, We can’t force them, it is immoral. I said, it would be kinder to kill them. But ART-drone disagreed and said that that choice still had to be made by the colonists themselves. ART-drone was right, of course. It always was. So annoying. And yet, in the end, the colonists chose a life not to be indentured. Their lives may still be hard. But at least they kept their choice.

Ratthi said, “Three’s friend chose to stay. I know it’s not safe, but it still has a chance to make a new decision when it’s ready. With its governor module turned off, it has time to observe and think. It’s not Three’s call to make that decision. But it’s hard.”

“I know.”, I said. “I think Three is feeling guilty, and it doesn't even understand what that means.” Is guilt an emotion?

Ratthi asked, “Can we not show it media? It may not be able to understand The Rise and Fall of Sanctuary Moon like the way you do, but there must be something that can get to it.”

Two of Holism’s crew drinking hot fluid at a nearby table snorted. Their feed identified them as Janne (gender = male; engineer) and Freya (gender = female; botanical scientist). I had noticed that they had been unashamedly eavesdropping.

Janne said to me with undisguised curiosity, “You watch that crappy soap? Seriously? That’s so unrealistic that you gain nothing except whiling away your time. And it has hundreds of episodes!”

Ratthi said coldly, “I watch The Rise and Fall of Sanctuary Moon. It’s very good and popular. You’ll be surprised how much you can learn from them. How to talk to people without being insensitive and annoying for starters.”

Janne just looked blank.

Freya asked curiously, “SecUnits are much more sophisticated than normal bots, obviously not like Holi, but can process multiple inputs simultaneously unlike us. But what do you get out of  unrealistic fiction about people? These are made for people who can relate to the characters. You are basically a higher-end bot with organic parts, aren’t you? Not really a person.”

Wow, that was so rude and ignorant, although I should be used to that. Many people are surprised that we even have a face. But somehow, I have expected more from people from ART’s university.

“It’s a person!”, said Ratthi and Bharadwaj at the same time.

“It has feelings and private thoughts like all of us.”, said Ratthi firmly. “Maybe more than some of the people I can think of.”

“Woah, calm down”, Janne raised his hands, palms out. “No offense. We are not used to hanging out with rogue SecUnits like you do, and we all really like Three and want to help. Holi is very concerned about it, aren’t you Holi?”

Of course, said Holism. But I don’t know what it’s thinking. Its diagnostics show 7.214% dip in its performance reliability, but nothing to suggest its cause.

“Holism, have you spoken to it?”, asked Bharadwaj.

No, said Holism.

“Why not?”, asked Ratthi.

I respect my crew’s boundaries. I don’t intrude, said Holism. Then it added, I don’t know how. I suppose I had expected it to snap out of it, like my humans do.

“Wow, they are all so emotionally constipated.”, muttered Ratthi under his breath.

I thought back to that trip to RaviHyral with ART, again. If it was Holism that was there, I would not have had my configuration change. I would not have written codes to move like a human. I would definitely not have taken on that stupid job with Rami, Malo, and Tapan. Holism would not have kidnapped me, but then, it might not have opened the hatch for me in the first place. ART certainly had no concept of boundaries whatsoever, but I am here now because it’s an asshole who ignored boundaries.

Bharadwaj said mildly, “If you can snap out of problems, then that is fine. But sometimes, people need time to process problems, and they may also need help. It is not weakness. There is no shame in that.”

Ratthi asked Janne, “If you don’t watch media, what do you do to relax here?”

Janne and Freya looked at each other. Janne said with a shrug, “We work. Work is what we like. We have quiz nights.” He trailed off.

“Some of us listen to music, and Elias does maths puzzles.”, added Freya. “And I saw Vanya reading books, but probably not fictions.”

“You are wrong, Freya.”

Vanya has just walked into the galley with Yuri and Elias, the mathematician-physicist that Holism grew up with.

“I actually love reading romantic novels.”, said Vanya, startling the rest of Holism’s humans.

“I have a collection of classic detective fiction.”, confessed Yuri.

Freya said, “I never knew any of that.”

“Well, you never asked.”, Yuri said. “We did not talk about private things.”

Ratthi sighed. “Whom have you all been trying to impress? Hobbies are not waste of time. Sharing something other than work is not waste of time, you know.”

“I was not trying to impress anyone.” Elias said defensively, “I just never had an interest or time for anything outside of my work."

Bharadwaj was silent for a while. Then after checking time, she said, “There is a cultural event at the communal hall by the central plaza of the station in 3 cycle’s time. It’s for the refugees from the colony you have been working on now. It has lots of music and a play. I was going to suggest we take Three to that, because it is not complicated and enjoyable to children, too. Perhaps you would all like to come.”

They were all interested.

Holism just said Oh. It sounded a little disappointed.

Elias said, “Holi, you can ride my feed if you want.”

But I had a better idea.

I went back to Three’s cabin and told it about the cultural event. It has managed not to get back to its stand down posture. Three’s expression was still SecUnit neutral, but at least it expressed some polite interest.

“I would usually say, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”, I said. “But for this instance, I think you should come. I don’t know what we can expect. But at least, we can see how the colonists are doing now.”

And I added casually, “And you can let Holism ride your feed when you go. Giant asshole like Holism is not good at processing music and plays. It needs your filter.”

Three was doubtful. “Shouldn’t its humans do that?”

I said, “No, ART’s humans could not help it process media, either. Constructs like us can convert them into forms more accessible to bots.”

Three was still unconvinced. “In that case, shouldn’t it ride your feed? You are more experienced in this area. I am not sure I can understand.”

“Trust me, you can.” I said, hoping that it works.

“When you and Perihelion are watching media together, you seem…”, Three was thoughtful, “so synchronised. I don’t know if watching with me would help Holism. But I will try.”

Chapter Text

So, we all went to this cultural event, that they called “Welcome to Preservation Event”.  When we came back to Preservation, we brought back 27 adult and 8 small colonists who requested refugee status within the Preservation alliance. They had all completed their 20-cycle quarantine and are still in the process of placements.

They had looked nervous when they first arrived here, but now they looked a lot more relaxed. Small colonists have already made friends with small humans from Preservation. With the aid of translation system, Holism’s humans also joined in and started talking with other humans. Both Three and I stood in a corner behind some potted flora, pretending to be appliances, but Ratthi, Arada, and Overse found us. Mensah was away with Pin-Lee on business visiting another planet within the alliance, and Gurathin did not like parties.

After some live music, they started the play.

It was based on an old folklore from the humans’ ancestors on another planet. It told a story of two young human siblings abandoned when they were very small. They were raised by a pack of local fauna, living in the mountains. When they were about the age of Mensah’s youngest humans, they were discovered by human adults and captured.

The little humans could not talk or move like humans, and instead, they walked on their hands and feet, and howled like the fauna that raised them. Humans that captured them decided to make profit by displaying them to people who pay to see weird fauna-humans. When they hid in fear, they were beaten and dragged out by their hair. Yeah, human cruelty has a long history.

Then, an old human with religious occupation finds them and takes them off the awful humans. He takes them to some researchers who are willing to educate them and civilize them like humans that they are. (Hang on, am I seeing some parallels here?)

The older young fauna-human does not like being educated and civilized. (Who does?) It misses the mountains and manages to escape. The younger fauna-human tries to stop it but hesitates, and lets it go.

The human who was looking after the younger fauna-human clearly believed that he was doing the right thing. The young fauna-human resists getting civilized hard. Then the storyline suggests that its older sibling has died in the mountains with its fauna family.

Distraught, the younger fauna-human goes on a hunger strike. In order to show solidarity or something stupid, the caretaker also goes on a hunger strike. And because he had been ill before all that, he nearly dies. How can a caretaker look after the fauna-human if he starves himself to death? It did not make sense.

But it looks like it made sense to the young fauna-human. It tries to get its caretaker to eat, when it could barely walk with weakness. They finally have understanding and the young fauna-human accepts getting civilized.

Then, it turns out that the older fauna-human hadn’t died after all. It was still happily living in the mountains. The siblings see each other from a distance one day, and they recognise each other. They acknowledge each other with a faint smile, but each goes in separate ways.

The end.

That was a new level of unrealistic, said ART in my personal feed, but quite intriguing. I was nearly startled off the chair.

ART?? You asshole! How long have you been lurking there? I managed to say, trying hard to control my facial expressions, but failing.

Ratthi looked at me suspiciously. “Is Perihelion with you?” He whispered.

How could he know that? “No!”, I lied, flustered.

Then, “What made you think that?”, I whispered back to Ratthi.

“I dunno. You have that look when you are with Perihelion.” That look? What the fuck, Ratthi? This was really not helping.

ART said, I came shortly after this play has started. I was going to ping you but you were so engrossed I decided to wait until it ends. Then it added, Your cunning plan for Three seems to have worked.

I told my drones to find Three and Holism’s crew, and were startled at what I saw. All their eyes were red, and I was 83% sure that it indicated that they were holding back tears. Even Three was leaking from its eyes. I didn’t know that SecUnits could do that.

I said to ART, I suggested Holism ride Three’s feed. I thought it might help it understand Three better.

ART scoffed, but just said, We’ll see.

When we all returned to Holism and Vanya contacted it at the hatch, it took 5.7 seconds before it slid open.

I followed Three back to its cabin. Holism remained quiet for a while. Then it said, That was a new experience. I am still processing, but I thank you, SecUnit for your suggestion. And thank you, Three, for the experience.

Three said, “I was afraid that I might not understand it. Not like you do, SecUnit. But I felt… I knew what that little fauna-human was feeling.”

Ratthi, who walked in behind me, said, “You have not had various experiences yet since you disabled your governor module. Before that, you had to suppress your reactions. But you are a person, and a person has lots of emotions, some of them conflicting and confusing. Dramas and serials can help you understand that by watching people who are going through something similar.”

Three said, “I would like to try some story-type media. But I am not certain I can understand. I still find factual media easier to understand and more enjoyable.”

Ratthi said, “Bharadwaj said Preservation schools and libraries have media for young people which are easier to understand. Not just for children, but for refugees who are new to our system. You may enjoy them.”

Holism asked, Can you bring them here? Perhaps, Three and I can try watching them together.

I said, “It is Three’s call. Dr. Bharadwaj suggested Three stay here for a while. Talking with her may help. It helped me figure out things. It took me a long time to know what I wanted, but I do now. (ART poked me in the feed. I poked it back.) It may help Three as well.”

Three said, “I enjoy working with Holism and its crew, but I… want to talk to Dr. Bharadwaj. Maybe… I want to spend some more time at Preservation. But I also want to come back here.” Three actually sounded more coherent than I was when I was first brought here.

Holism said, Shame. But you should do what you think you should do. You will always find your place here with us.

Then, I felt its attention turn towards me. It tried to establish a private feed connection with me, and I ignored it again. And ART quickly blocked it.

So, instead, Holism said in the local feed, SecUnit, while Three is otherwise engaged, perhaps you would like to join us for a period? I can teach you how to install enhanced router system near terraforming engines, in exchange for access to your…

Back off! ART jumped in. It’s busy.

Oh, it’s you, said Holism mildly. I should have known.

“Oh, I knew it!”, said Ratthi, looking at me, grinning. “Hi, Perihelion! Glad you could come.”

Ratthi then explained, “Iris sent a message about halfway through that play. She said, on finding that Holism was coming here, Perihelion insisted on coming here immediately. It was due a test drive after the installation of new space engines and wormhole drive, but it insisted on coming here instead”

ART said defensively, Test drives usually take 7 cycles for a return journey through our nearest wormhole. Travel to Preservation takes 7 cycles each way, and would provide more rigorous test results.

Holism said, Whom are you trying to convince here, Perihelion? Yourself?

ART said in our private feed, I fuckin’ hate it.

I said in our private feed, No, you don’t.

No, I don’t. ART admitted. But it is extremely irritating.

Then ART said in the local feed, Three, you are welcome to visit us, too, when you are feeling up to it. I am docked at the other end. My crew would be happy to see you.

Three said, “Acknowledged. Thank you, Perihelion.”, and it actually smiled.

Now that it is sorted, are you going to disembark this ship? demanded ART, in my feed.

Or what? I said, Are you going to kidnap me again?

You don’t want to tempt me, said ART, I can think of 8 possible plans.

You cannot kidnap SecUnit, Perihelion, interrupted Holism, suddenly in our private channel.

Holism can be just as much of a monster as ART is, jumping into private conversations if it wants to, especially when we are aboard it. 

It said, Kidnapping only works against someone resisting to be taken. I do not observe any unwillingness on your SecUnit’s part.

Fuck off, Holism, ART and I said at the same time.

Chapter Text

MB1.0 and Ratthi left my cabin together after promising to take me to Dr. Bharadwaj’s office at the Station the next day. I do not have access to cameras on Holism but my drones followed them to the exit hatch. On the way, they passed Dr. Arada of Preservation talking with Captain Vanya by the galley, and my drones saw Arada mouth thank you to 1.0 as the humans waved at each other. As they went out of Holism’s hatch, Perihelion said, Take care of yourself, in my private feed but soon its presence faded away.

I felt something in my organic part again, but it was not something unpleasant. I wondered if it was an emotion.

HelpMe.File told me that 1.0 experiences emotions and it often finds them difficult to deal with. I had experienced fear many times as a company SecUnit owned by Barish-Esperanza. I have also experienced relief when out of danger, and satisfaction when I could plan and carry out a mission successfully. These are positive emotions, I suppose.

I was also glad when I found 1.0 just in time before it was taken by TargetContact. Even though 2.0 just asked me to take the humans to Perihelion and deliver the message, I wanted to help its 1.0. These were emotions I could understand.

But as I watched 1.0, Perihelion, and their clients interact, I was often confused at what I observed. Even though I had read about many of them in HelpMe.File, the way the humans were treating 1.0 as one of their own was still a lot to take in. I do not have as strong aversion to being looked at as 1.0 has, but I am still at a loss what to say when the humans try to speak to me.

I started having unfamiliar sensations in my organic part, and I had assumed that it was my system adjusting to the absence of the governor module monitoring everything. But 1.0 told me that these are often signs of emotions.

That play we watched today. It reminded me of my … emotions when I watched SecUnit 05 leave in the B-E shuttle. I did not want it to go, but I did not know what to do. MB1.0 told me that even when one cannot be responsible for something, one can still not help feeling guilty. It said, all these fucking emotions are very confusing and inconvenient, but you just need to learn to work out what they mean and to live with them. It said it was still learning.

There was another revelation when I watched the play. Holism was in my feed watching it with me as 1.0 has suggested. When Holism is in my feed, it is usually teaching me things or watching me work and offer me advice. But it was very quiet, and I felt it was mirroring my reactions to the play. When it finished, Holism said in my feed, “That was … overwhelming. So sad. But so good in the end.” I have not heard it speak like that. It was … nice.

While I was aboard Perihelion, I noticed that 1.0 and Perihelion were spending lots of time together watching media. They have invited me to join them once but I just couldn’t understand what was so interesting about the media. Now I think I understand why they seem to find it so enjoyable.

I don’t know how to put this into words. I think Perihelion senses 1.0 when it watches media through its filter. And 1.0 senses Perihelion in the feed. Maybe, sensing is not an adequate word. It’s stronger, almost like physical presence. I felt Holism’s presence in my feed as if it was physically there, making itself comfortable. Perihelion has been in my feed many times before but it never made me become aware of its presence in that way.

Amena told me that Perihelion and 1.0 care about each other a lot, and I think I have seen many proofs of this. They are both very protective of their humans but they trust the care of their humans to each other. They argued a lot which alarmed me at first. But soon I realised that they were not actually fighting. After all, Perihelion tried to bomb the colony just to retrieve 1.0.

Maybe I want what they have. Something very special.

My organic response seems to show I am having some more emotions. I don’t know what that means. But not something bad.

I think I am glad that 1.0 and Perihelion are together again.

Maybe, Dr. Bharadwaj can help me work out what I want.