Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

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Something Armin learned in his line of work was that no matter the cost, he had to keep going. He couldn’t let himself give up when things got too hard or too scary. The mission’s success was more important than his comfort, and sometimes more important than himself as a whole.

In the past, it was easy for him to self-soothe. Back when he worked for the enemy, he got used to the despair that consumed him once the mission was over. Many men have hurt him, made him feel more worthless than dirt, but he managed to survive every time.

He’d like to think his past prepared him for moments like these.

Armin glared at the man holding his arms behind his back, his heart pounding against his chest as the two of them walked down a dark and narrow hallway. He was eventually led to a door, and it was hard not to notice the locks and small window right above the handle. 

“Get in.” The man opened the door, shoving Armin inside.

He was surprised when a second man was inside, standing next to a mattress. As Armin entered, he realized that the mattress was the only thing in the room, outside of the lightbulb in the ceiling. His only hope of fresh air would be whatever the hallway had to offer through the door. He frowned when the second man, taller than the first, walked over to him.

He wordlessly patted the blond down, seeming annoyed when Armin had nothing on him. Not a gun, not a taser, not even a pocket knife.

It’s not like he needed once. The plan was going perfectly.

“Sit down.” The first man commanded him again, shoving him harder than the first time.

Armin fell onto the mattress, barely catching himself as the man let go of his hands. The blond turned his head, continuing his glare as the two men stared at him.

The first man spoke. “We’re not here to hurtcha’. You’re just bait for your squad. Don’t fight us, it’ll be easier that way.”

The taller, now smirking, opened his mouth. “Sit here and look pretty. You can do that, right?”

Armin decided he’d ignore the taller man as long as he could. He reminded him of the men that’d try to roofie his drink before getting into bed with him. He was slimy, smelled like cigarettes and kept looking at him like he was a piece of meat.

Armin turned towards the man who brought him there in the first place. “The Scouts don’t do ransom.”

“We’re not looking for any money.” The man bent down, menacingly lowering his voice. “We’re looking for Levi.”

Armin mentally checked a box in his head. He put on another glare, watching the man rise before walking towards the door. His partner followed, giving Armin another glance before leaving.

“See you later, blondie.”

The door closed. And just like that, Armin had completed the first part of his mission. He waited a few more seconds, making sure the men were far away before reaching into his boot. Armin licked his lips, pulling out a gray ear plug.

He waited another moment, before putting the object in his ear and turning it on. He lowered his voice down to a whisper, not wanting to alert anyone walking by.

“Can anyone hear me?”

As expected, Eren’s voice was the first he heard. “Armin! Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Armin looked around the room, the cemented walls making him frown. “Are you able to see my location from here? I think I’m underground.”

Jean’s voice came next. “We got your coordinates. You’re further than we thought you’d be, but we’ll make it work.”

“Where’d they put you? Do you know where you are?” Mikasa was suddenly in his ear.

“Not really… I think I’m in an isolation room or something.” Armin stood up from the mattress, giving it a glance. “They might be planning on keeping me for a while.”

“Yeah well, the second you get enough intel we’re coming to get you.” Armin couldn’t help but smile at Eren’s words. “Did they spill anything yet?”

Armin glanced at the door again before speaking quietly. “They’re after Levi. I’m gonna try to find out what that means.”

He could hear typing in the background, and perked up when he heard Jean’s voice. “Alright, good luck. Remember, you might have to play the long game with this one. You got this.”

“Thanks. I’ll be in touch.”

“Armin.” Eren’s voice came seemingly out of nowhere, and Armin couldn’t help but listen intently. “You can pull out whenever you want. Just say the word, I’ll come get you.”

Armin wanted to say so many things. How scared he was, how he wanted to go home, how his uniform was starting to feel too tight around his neck. But he couldn’t, he wouldn’t allow himself the pleasure of seeking Eren’s comfort. Right now, the mission is more important than him. All he needed to do was push out for a few hours, get enough intel to help the Scouts move forward with their mission, and wallow in self-pity on his own time.

Armin breathed in, and breathed out. “I’ll be fine. I’ll complete the mission.”

Armin could handle being starved, he could handle being isolated. All he needed was three minutes with someone working here. He felt confident he could complete this mission in a matter of hours.

He turned his earpiece off, and put it back in his boot. All he had to do was be patient.

It had been hours, many hours, before someone opened the door again.

Armin had eventually fallen asleep, and was woken up by someone opening and slamming the door shut. He looked up from where he was sitting on the mattress, internally groaning when he caught sight of the taller man from earlier that day.

The stranger closed the door behind himself, giving Armin another gross smile.

“I thought you might be hungry.” He waved something in his hand, and Armin glared at the man before looking at the sandwich in his hand. “Decided to be nice. No need to thank me.”

When Armin didn’t say anything, the man walked forward. Armin couldn’t help but curl in on himself when the man decided to take a seat next to him on the mattress. He felt a knot form in his stomach. He didn’t like what this man was doing.

“Want a bite?”

It took everything in Armin’s body not to deck the man across the face right there and then. As much as he hated to admit it, the other man from earlier had a good point. Fighting wouldn’t get him anywhere. He needed to cooperate.

Armin looked away, glaring at the wall. “Not hungry.”

“It’s not poisoned, calm down. Look.” From the corner of his eye, Armin watched the man take a bite of the sandwich. “See? C’mon.” 

The stranger nudged the sandwich towards him. Armin looked down at the sandwich, looked back at the man, and back at the sandwich before sighing. In all honesty he really was hungry, and if being on this guy’s good side meant he was a step closer to getting any intel, he had no choice but to abide.

Armin leaned forward, taking a small bite from the man’s hand. He heard the man mumble.

“That’s it… pretty mouth you got there.”

The comments made Armin’s internal alarm go off. He’s heard comments like those before. He quickly chewed his bite before swallowing, trying to inch away from the man as far as he could. He was almost surprised when the man put the rest of the food down on the floor, leaning towards the blond.

“So, Kenny was right. You used to work at that whorehouse?”

Armin made sure to keep the name Kenny in his head. He almost scoffed at the man’s words. Now he understood what was going on. This man was trying to break him, make him feel uncomfortable and gross to the point where he cracks, tells him every Scout secret and begs him to let him go.

He could play along.

“How do you know about that?”

The man sat further on the mattress, trying to get comfortable. “Word gets around. Levi doesn’t hire new guys often. You must be pretty good at your craft.”  

Armin didn’t let his temper flare. Rather, he looked down at his knees, pulling them towards his chest. “Just leave me alone.”

“Aww, c’mon don’t be like that.” The man scooted closer, too close for Armin’s comfort.

The man raised a hand, putting it on Armin’s thigh. The blond froze, before remembering he had a job to do. He swallowed, still refusing to entertain the man. He tried not to react when the man moved forward, putting his face close to his neck.

“Can’t you look at me?” Armin couldn’t hold back a frown when he felt the man nose his skin. “I’m lonely too, y'know. We can help each other out.”

Armin tried to control his breathing. No way this was happening. No way this is happening here and now, on one of Armin’s first solo missions. He felt like a magnet to perverted, evil assholes, and this man was at the top of that list. When mentally preparing for this mission, he expected to be starved, isolated, hell even beaten. But not once did he think this could happen. He told himself he’d never put himself in this situation again.

The man’s hand kept moving closer to this crotch, and Armin let out a small grunt when the man started to nip at his neck. He felt the man lick, bite, and breathe down the skin closest to his ear. It stung more than he expected.

Armin tried to ignore it the best he could, deciding to get his mission started.

“What about the door? They’ll see.”

He felt the man smile, and he didn’t let himself go against it when the man started laughing and grabbing his leg and arm.

“I knew you were a slut. Kenny made the right choice pickin’ you for bait.”

Armin ignored the sting of the insult. Luckily for the Scouts, they were able to figure out their enemy’s plan and decided to play along.

Armin grunted when the man moved around, letting go of his leg and freeing his neck. He couldn’t help raising an eyebrow when the man started to stand on the ground, moving off the mattress. He continued to speak as moved.

“And don’t worry about anyone else, they’re upstairs.” Armin felt his heart in his throat when the man’s hands went towards the zipper of his pants. “Goin’ over mission plans, they’ll be there for hours. Gives us plenty of time.”

Armin slowly sat up, and debated calling the mission off. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t put himself through this again. He didn’t know how much longer he could suppress his resentments; even now he felt ready to explode. He tried to keep a straight face when the man slowly pulled his zipper down, and couldn’t help but stare at the bulge only a foot away from him.

He cleared his throat, persistent on completing his job. “Mission plans? Shouldn’t you be there?” 

“Nah, elites only.” The man shook his head, pulling his pants down. Armin could feel his heart in his throat as the panic started to settle in. “Just goin’ over our next moves.”

How could he speak so casually? His calmness made Armin want to scream. This guy genuinely thought this was a good idea? Something Armin would want to do?

Armin swallowed when the man lowered his underwear, and tried to show no fear when his cock was out in the open. All the time he’s spent in therapy with Hange, all the effort to take his medication on a healthy schedule, everything seemed to fly out the window. He could feel a cold sweat coming on, and in fear of panicking he chose to back himself away.

“Th-this can’t be part of the mission, right?” Armin tried to joke to stall for time. Should he call for backup? No way could he go through with this.

“Ha, I wish.” The man reached his hand out, and Armin couldn’t control the noise that left his throat when the man’s hand was suddenly in his hair. “Their plan is a little more… explosive than mine. But I don’t know…”

The man tightened his grip on Armin’s locks. “...I blow a pretty big load.”

Armin went into panic mode. He put his arms up, trying to put distance between himself and the man’s crotch. He pushed back, not caring that man was getting annoyed. “I don’t want to do this.”

Armin hissed when the man pulled his hair, bringing him back to his original spot. “I don’t care. I’m doin’ both of us a favor, be grateful.”

“No! Get off!”

When Armin kept pushing against the man’s hold, he quickly got enraged. Armin couldn't tell what happened at first, but the man had swung his hand, smacking the blond across the face. He tried to ignore the sting but couldn’t help but yelp when the man grabbed his hair again, this time pulling even harder.

For a moment, Armin was about to give up on the mission. He didn’t want to do this, he couldn’t do this. It would take thirty seconds for Armin to beat this man into a pulp, run out of there and call for backup. There was only one thing stopping him, and it was the man’s next words.

“If anything I’m saving your fucking life. Suck me off right and I’ll keep you here when they set the bombs off.”

Armin froze. Was he spilling his team’s mission plans? 

Kenny. They want to kill Levi. Explosive. Bombs.

Armin’s next words were shakier than intended. “You’re gonna blow us up?”

The man pulled Armin’s head closer, and Armin felt tears in his eyes as he realized what was coming next. “We’ll blow up your squad while you blow me. Great plan, wouldn’t you say?”

Armin put two and two together. He had to go through with it. The man was getting turned on the more he talked. Armin’s only hope was the man spilling everything he could while he got pleasured. 

He had no choice. The man pulled his head closer until Armin’s mouth was grazing his tip. “Now get to it, and don’t even think about biting.”

Armin looked up, and met the man’s lustful eyes. He felt like he was turning a part of himself off, and Armin felt like he had tunnel vision, like he was a completely different person.

He deepened his voice. “Tell me more.”

It was hard to multitask like this. On one hand, Armin wanted to let himself disassociate. He wanted to get this part over with. Or better yet, bite the man’s dick off and call for backup as fast as possible. However, as much as wanted to, he refused. He had to go through with the mission. He had his own plan, but unfortunately his sanity was at stake.

Armin cringed when the man shoved his hips forward, thrusting himself into the blond’s mouth. He heard the man moan and grunt, and couldn’t help but cringe at the burning sensation at the back of his throat.

“You wanna know more? Fuck.” The man continued with this thrusts, and his grip in Armin’s hair only tightened. “Wanna know how they’re all gonna die? You’re fuckin’ dirty, aren’t ya?”

Armin ignored the tear that ran down his cheek. He didn’t let himself focus on the man’s actions, instead spending his mental energy on the man’s words. He felt like his knees were glued to the mattress, like the man’s hand was permanently attached to his hair. He was stuck. 

“Gettin’ a shipment soon- oh.” The man spoke between heavy breathes, moving his hips back and forth. “E-explosives or somethin’, wanna blow you guys up. You’re whole fuckin’ building.”

Armin grunted as the man’s length went further down his throat. He closed his eyes, his hands falling onto the man’s knees to keep himself up. He hated this, he fucking loathed himself for being here. His brain was starting to short circuit. 

“Just gotta find the right one… put Levi back in his fuckin’ place. You’ll help me, right?” The man’s pace quickened. “You’ll be my fuckin’ bitch! You’re slutty mouth’ll tell me everythin’. Fuck.”

Armin couldn’t listen anymore. He had heard enough, enough to satisfy Levi’s goal for the mission. All he had to do was push out just a little longer, find his bearings, get this guy off of him as fast as possible and put his earpiece in. It was starting to be too much, the thrusts, the sounds, the tastes.

Just as Armin was about to push away from the man, his grip managed to get tighter. He was moving twice as fast, and by the noises Armin heard, he could tell it was too late to push himself off. The man cried out, and thrusted one last time, deep in Armin’s throat as the blond choked.

Armin made uncontrollable noises as the man became cemented to his spot. Liquid started pouring down Armin’s throat, and the blond did his best to breathe through his nose. As he lifted his hands to push himself off the man, he felt metal touch his temple. He looked up, and glared as the man spoke.

“Swallow it. Or I’ll put a bullet through your head.”

Armin didn’t know the man had a gun the entire time. Who knows what would’ve happened if he had tried to escape before all this had happened. Fuck, he really didn’t have a choice. He became nauseated as the aroma of the room blended with the tastes in his mouth, and tried to hold himself back from vomiting.

He almost started crying when he felt the man’s grip on his hair loosen, and started to feel the top of his head being petted as he swallowed. “That’s it… good job.”

A few moments passed, and Armin couldn’t describe the relief he felt when the man pulled himself out of his mouth. He took a big breath, quick to wipe his mouth with the back of his hand. His lips were sore, his mouth was dry, and God he felt disgusting.

“Not bad, blondie.” The man spoke while pulling his pants up, slowly fixing his zipper. “We’ll do that again later. Duty calls.”

Armin refused to look at him, as he kept his gaze to the floor while trying to collect his thoughts. He was forcing himself not to have an episode, fighting his inner demons and flashbacks. He wanted to start bawling, he needed to throw up, and he hated being locked in this fucking room. The only thing keeping him from losing it was his mission; he just needed to push himself a little more, and told himself to be patient.

The man had the nerve to nudge Armin with his boot. “You better say nothin’ to nobody. Got it?”

Armin swallowed, gently nodding his head. The man muttered something under his breath, and for the first time in what felt like hours, Armin took his attention away from him. He didn’t know how long the man lingered around, and chose to rely on the vibrations on the floor to let him know that the man had left the room. He heard the door lock, and brought his knees back to his chest as he sat against the wall.

He finally let himself shed a few tears, but tried to keep his crying to a minimum. He couldn’t be too loud. Whether that was because he was embarrassed or because he didn’t want attention from the enemy, he didn’t know. He felt gross, and maybe he was. However, he felt temporary relief knowing he completed his part of the mission. Now he needed to call for backup. He had to face his team. He had to face Eren.

He slowly reached into his boot, pulling out the earpiece once again. He gently placed it in his ear, and wiped his tears as he turned it on.

“Guys?”

“Armin! Hey!” Of course Eren’s voice was the first he heard. “What’s your status? Anything happen?”

Armin took a moment before answering. He remembered that not only were multiple people on the call, but his own shame held him back from telling the full truth.

“...You guys should come now. I got enough intel.” Now that he was saying it outloud, that his team was able to come find him and get him out, he started to feel desperate.

“Alright, we’ll start heading out. What’d you find out?”

The words were on the tip of his tongue, but all he could think about was how sore his throat was and how sticky his teeth were. He could feel his heart start to race at the thought, and got more desperate as the seconds went by. “Please just come. Come now.”

“What’s wrong? We’re on our way.”

“How long will you be?”

“You’re on the other side of town.. Like thirty?” He could hear Eren moving around, and it sounded like he was in a car. “You don’t sound good, talk to me.”

Armin felt himself start to panic. “Eren h-he’s coming back later. Please, please, you have to come now.”

“Min, we’re going as fast as we can. What’s going on? Who’s ‘he’?”

Armin cursed at himself when his face became wet. He couldn’t hold back for much longer. “Just hurry. Please, Eren. I can’t be here anymore.”

Eren must’ve heard the distress in his voice, because his tone quickly changed. “We’ll be there soon, we’ll get you outta there. You’re doing good, Min.”

Armin let his face crumple. He used the last of his energy to mumble a ‘Okay’ before muting his mic, and let himself start to cry. He didn’t know what he was feeling; a mix of self hatred, guilt, disgust, and a few other things he couldn’t find the words for. 

He honestly didn’t know how long he’d been sitting there, crying to himself while hugging his legs as tight as possible. He hasn’t felt like this in over a year, he’d finally started making progress. Was it all for nothing? Did this mean he had to start all over? Could he ever be fixed?

These questions only made him cry harder. He didn’t want to even think about what this meant for the rest of his squad. Would they all hate him? Think he’s gross? Fuck, he felt repulsive. Would they want to still work with him? Could they trust him?

Oh God, what would Eren think?

He felt alone, scared, used. He felt small, like he was sixteen all over again. Like he had nobody. At the moment, he felt truly alone. Hange always warned him about healthy and unhealthy ways to cope, but old habits are hard to quit. He didn't realize he had stopped crying, it felt like his brain had switched off and was running on auto-pilot.

He dug his fingers into his arms, and was mad that his shirt blocked his nails from touching his skin. He just wanted to feel something other than the pain and silence that surrounded him.

It took him a moment before he realized there was chaos happening outside his door. He looked up, and slowly began to register the shouting, running, fighting and confusion taking place. Armin’s not ashamed to say that he felt his heart stop when he saw someone walk up to his door, and through the tiny slot was able to see an all too familiar uniform.

And then, a voice.

1/2

Chapter Text

...

And then, a voice.

“Armin?!” Eren was shouting, banging on the door. “You in here?”

“Eren!” Armin didn’t know what else to say, he was on such an adrenaline rush. He couldn’t believe that Eren was there, that his team was there. “I’m in here!”

“Get back, we’re coming in!”

Armin quickly crawled off the mattress and into the furthest corner of the room. He crossed his arms in front of his face when Eren started kicking the door down. It took a handful of tries, but eventually the door came swinging inward, and Armin turned his head away when bodies started storming into the room.

He hid himself away out of fear. He knew it was Eren, but it didn’t feel real enough. He’s only ever been alone when he’s gotten this despondent, how could he know his mind wasn’t playing tricks on him?

His ears were ringing, his throat was still dry, and his limbs started to shake. Armin felt overwhelmed, and the chaos happening around him definitely wasn’t helping.

“Armin! Armin, we’re here.” Eren crouched down in front of the blond, grabbing at his arms. “Are you hurt?”

Eren managed to pull Armin’s wrists apart, and was met with a frightened expression. It took Armin a moment to process what was actually happening. Eren was in front of him, Jean was behind Eren, and Mikasa kept herself in the doorway, probably keeping watch of the hall.

“You’re really here?”

Jean spoke next, putting his hands on his knees to look downward. “Why wouldn’t we be? I told you we had your location.”

Armin didn’t know how to respond to that. He’d almost forgotten he was with the Scouts, that he wasn’t alone. He decided to put his focus back to Eren, who was looking him up and down in a panic.

“You’re not hurt right? You sounded weird over the call.” Eren eventually let go of his arms, putting his hands on Armin’s shoulders to keep his attention. “Did anything happen?”

Armin stuttered at first. He wasn’t hurt per se, but something definitely happened. Before he could find a decent enough response, Eren continued speaking. “Your face is red, did you get hit?”

He couldn’t stand the questioning. His heartbeat was picking up again, and he was starting to feel cornered. He tried to back up, but was already against the wall as far as he could be. He started bringing his arms back over himself, and felt bad when Eren started to get worried. Fuck, he was making everything worse.

“Armin, hey, it’s okay. You gotta-” Eren grabbed at his arms again, but this time Armin tried to fight him off. “- relax, if you’re hurt we need to know.”

“Guys, we can’t spend all day down here.” Jean suddenly spoke, putting a hand on Eren’s shoulder. “If he can walk, we can talk about it in the van. We need to leave.”

“No!” Armin shouted, finally breaking his hands away from Eren’s grip. Now, he had everyone’s attention. “They’re gonna set explosives off at headquarters. They’re getting a-a shipment or something, bombs. They’re after Levi. Kenny, Kenny is after Levi. We need to stop them now!”

Eren raised his eyebrows at Armin’s words. “Kenny? Who told you that?”

“The guy that…” Armin stopped himself. He knew Eren would want to take the guy in for questioning, but the last thing Armin wanted to talk about was him. “...he was in here with me.”

He felt Eren’s hands back on his shoulders. “Did he hurt you?”

Once again, Armin didn’t know how to answer that question. He turned his head away from Eren, not wanting him to see the tears that were forming in his eyes.

He regretted doing this as soon as he could see someone pointing at his neck. He whipped his head around, surprised that Jean of all people was raising a finger at his skin. “Did he bite you? You’re bleeding.”

Armin swallowed, He somehow found the courage to look back at Eren, who’s grip only tightened. Armin prayed Eren wasn’t putting two and two together. However, one look on the brunet’s face indicated he knew what Armin was hiding. For a moment, Armin debated keeping everything to himself. Would that make things easier?

“Armin.” Eren was looking him dead in the eyes. “What did he do?”

“He…” Armin looked away, his mouth forming a frown without him realizing. Armin thought for a moment, before glancing back at Eren, Jean, and Mikasa. They were all listening. They were all looking at him.

In his moment of utter misery, he let his walls down.

“...he made me suck him off.”

It was silent at first. Armin could feel his heart beat in between his ears. His vision started to get foggy as the waterworks came on. He suddenly felt broken. The others knew his past all too well, and that made things even more intense between the bunch.

“Eren, I-I’m sorry. I didn’t want to. Please I-” Armin grabbed at Eren’s arms, not knowing what else to do. Did Eren hate him? Did Eren not believe him? Armin couldn’t control his cries as he reached out for his partner. “I-I didn’t want to, Eren. I told him I didn’t want to. I-I didn’t have a choice, he-”

“What does he look like?” Eren interrupted him with a voice he’s never heard before. 

Armin hesitated. He couldn’t read Eren when he was this angry. “Um.. he’s tall, balding. White shirt, I think.” 

Eren turned. “Mikasa?”

“On it.”

Armin got one last look at the girl before she disappeared into the hallway. He had no idea what her intentions were, but he couldn’t focus on that. Eren and Jean were both crouched directly in front of him, both looking pissed off and worried. Armin couldn’t help but blame himself for the chaos. Maybe he should’ve stood up and said he was fine, brush the dust off his shoulders, and go find Kenny.

Shit, wait. The mission.

“We’re bringing you back okay? We got enough intel-”

“No, we can’t leave yet.” Armin interrupted Jean, fighting the shakiness from his voice. “We need to stop them, they’re gonna blow up our building. They’re upstairs talking about it, we need to get to them now.”

Jean, the leader of their squad, let himself think for a moment. Armin had no idea what was going through his head, but he hoped Jean believed what he had to say. The whole point of the mission was to get intel, it would be a waste if nobody cared about it.

“..Eren, you know more about Kenny than any of us.” Jean turned, glancing back and forth between other men in the room. “Find Sasha and Connie, go upstairs and try to stop the shipment, do as much damage as possible. I’m gonna take Armin back to the van.”

“Jean, are you-”

Jean shook his head before Eren could finish. “We’ll need you later. Right now you’re…” too angry, uncontrollable, volatile. “...you’re needed more up there. Trust me on this one.”

Jean couldn’t say it outloud, but the last thing Armin needed was Eren’s temper flaring up in his time of need. Right now, he needed peace and calm, and to get the hell out of here. If Eren could take his anger out on the enemy while stopping their next mission plan, he’d be killing two birds with one stone.

Eren glanced back at the blond. As much as he wanted to stay with Armin, and as much as he could tell Armin needed him, he had to listen to Jean. He felt the man nudge his side, lower his voice and mutter ‘He’ll be okay, he’s with us.”

He made one last move. He reached his hand up, and tried to ignore how pained Armin’s face looked when his hand touched his cheek. He wanted to reassure Armin before he disappeared.

“You have your earpiece, call me and I’ll come to you. I promise.” Eren licked his lips, trying to remain calm. “Jean’s got you, okay? You’re not alone.”

Armin was thankful to say he calmed down with Eren’s words. He still wasn’t used to having someone, let alone an entire group of people in his corner. He watched Eren slowly stand up, take a deep breath in, before walking back outside. He’s only known Eren for eight months or so, but he knows the man enough to tell when he’s pissed off. Eren’s anger wasn’t something a person could talk down, the only way for Eren to get past it was to take it out on something, or someone.

Armin had just started getting used to having Eren by his side whenever something went awry, and he was thankful Eren shared those same needs as him. However, he knew Eren needed to let off some steam before he could talk to him again. Armin wanted to say that he could handle this on his own, but one look at Jean, who was giving him the most pity-full gaze he’s ever seen, made him realize how exhausting handling things on his own can be.

“C’mon, I’ll take you out. You can stand, right?” Jean slowly stood up, offering Armin a hand.

The blond looked up, deciding to take it. He stood up, ignoring the pain in his knees. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

Armin refused to admit how his heart felt when Jean wrapped an arm around his shoulders, carefully guiding him out the room and into the hallway. Shouting, hitting, and unconscious bodies filled the hall, but Armin paid no mind. It was more important that he was able to walk on his own two feet, and eventually made his way outside with Jean.

He squinted his eyes expecting sunlight, but was met with a dark blue sky. It wasn’t even that late. He raised an eyebrow; he remembered starting his mission around the evening.

“Jean?” Armin cleared his throat after realizing how scratchy it was. Jean was already pulling the van door open, his hand still on Armin’s middle back. “Have I only been gone for an hour?”

Jean looked down. “You were gone for like, ten hours. It’s four in the morning, kid.”

Armin furrowed his eyebrows, looking at Jean while stepping into the van. “You guys stayed up?”

“Armin, you were sent out to literally be a hostage. We had no idea when you would’ve called, or when something might’ve happened.” Jean shook his head, following closely behind Armin until they were both in the van. He closed the door, before turning back around. “Enough has already happened… of course we’d stay up.”

Armin tried to hide his embarrassment as he sat down. The van he was in was rigged to be almost like an ambulance, and he sat himself in the chair that he assumed Jean wanted him to be in. He glanced around, noting the vital monitors and emergency bandages that consumed every inch of empty space the vehicle had to offer.

Jean didn’t say anything at first, and Armin couldn’t tell if he was mad or not, let alone mad at him. The man wordlessly pulled out a blood pressure monitor, pulling the velcro and began putting it on Armin’s upper arm. 

“Jean, I need to tell you everything before I forget.” Armin really didn’t want to have to think about it for the rest of his life. Anytime he tried to recall any information, his mind swarmed with dark clouds and thoughts of his mouth getting fucked so hard he almost couldn’t breathe.

“You mentioned Kenny, bombs, a shipment coming, what else?” Jean was unreadable, and it was making Armin frustrated.

“He… they know I worked at the underground. They know about us and Rod.” Armin tried not to cringe as Jean wrapped the strap around his arm, and chose to ignore how tight it felt. “But they don’t know where HQ is, not yet.”

Jean nodded, his gaze set on the monitor, watching the numbers rise. “Alright. Is that it?”

Armin closed his eyes to think. Was he missing anything? He thought deeper, and really tried to focus. 

“Swallow it. Or I’ll put a bullet through your head.”

“No. That’s it.”

Jean didn’t reply. He continued taking vitals, and silence fell between them as Jean did his job. Armin wound up staring at Jean’s face longer than he should have. Was Jean mad at him? Was he just tired? Was Jean mad at him for being the reason he was tired? Was it because of the elephant in the room? 

Maybe Jean was just disgusted with him. 

“Jean?” Armin called for the man once more, taking his attention away from his computer, writing down notes. He felt like a child who got themselves in trouble. “Are you mad at me?”

“Mad at you?” Jean quickly turned, shaking his head and reaching a hand out, putting it on the blond’s knee. “I’m mad, but not at you. Why would I be?”

Armin didn’t know why, but his eyes started to water. Maybe his adrenaline rush had finally faded, maybe it was the genuine look of worry in Jean’s eyes. Maybe the realization hit that he’d just been assaulted.

“Y-you’re not looking at me, and it’s late, and..” Armin brought his hands to his face, hiding his tears away from Jean, muffling his voice. “I-I tried so hard today, I don’t understand why you’re mad, I finished the mission.”

“You don’t get why I’m mad?” Jean’s tone surprised him. He brought his hands down, and fearful eyes watched Jean’s face turn into a glare. “Of course I’m fucking mad. That shouldn’t have happened. Nothing fucking sexual should have happened.”

Armin looked away, trying to think of a response. “It.. I had to do that, Jean. He-”

“No, absolutely not.” Jean’s voice made Armin freeze in his seat. “That was not part of the mission. Maybe you’ll get hurt, beat up, whatever, but we.. Levi would never make that part of the course.”

Armin wanted to start crying all over again, just from the fact that he was getting lectured. “It was the only way he’d talk about anything!”

“That should not have happened, Armin. When shit like that happens, you fucking bail. You should’ve called us, beat him up, something. ” 

Armin was getting frustrated. What did Jean not understand? “I didn’t have a choice! I needed to complete the mission-”

“Don’t even start with that. You are way more important than any fucking mission.”

“I… but it’s-”

“Fucking no. Listen to me.” Jean pulled himself closer, putting both hands on Armin’s knees. “Nobody on this team has to go through that when they’re working. Not Sasha, not Mikasa, not you. You’re not allowed to put yourself through that for a fucking mission.”

Armin felt embarrassed again, and sat back into his seat. Thinking back, he’d never been told that being treated like that wasn’t okay. He’d been so used to everyone telling him not only to prepare for it, but that he had to if he wanted things to go smoothly.

Armin swallowed, choosing his next words carefully. “...he held a gun to my head. It was either I get killed, or go through with it and complete the mission.”

“That doesn’t make it okay.” ” Jean looked him in the eyes. “When you get hurt, in any way, you say something. You know that.”

Armin couldn’t stand it anymore, he avoided Jean’s eyes and stared into the ground, his mind going blank. Jean must’ve noticed his shame, and Armin heard him take a deep breath before softening his grip.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be yelling.” Jean shook his knee. “Can you look at me?” The guilt in Jean’s voice forced Armin to meet his eyes. “I’m sorry, Armin. What happened today wasn’t your fault. You know that, right?”

Armin merely shrugged his shoulders. “I just… I feel gross.”

“Armin…” Jean took another deep breath, and Armin watched him shake his head before looking down. “I made Eren go upstairs so he could get over his temper, but I can’t even control my own.”

The tiniest of smiles fell onto Armin’s face. “You’ve been worse.”

“Hey, don’t change the subject.” Jean shook his knee again, this time more aggressively. “None of that should have happened, it’s not your fault. You had the option to opt out, and I’m sorry we didn’t make that more clear to you. You did so good today.”

Armin knew he was hearing all the right stuff, but his body wasn’t feeling any of it. He felt like he was in a neutral zone. On one hand, he’d spent hours talking to Hange about self-deprecating and blaming himself for things he can’t control, but on the other hand, he considered this mission an outlier in terms of “who’s fault it was”. He really didn’t want to think about it anymore.

“I’m gonna warn you now.” Jean’s tone shifted again, and it grabbed Armin’s attention. “When you make your mission report, they’re gonna ask you about this in detail. Maybe even suggest a sexual assault kit, I don’t know. The Scouts are anal about this sort of thing.”

Armin slowly nodded. “Can Eren be with me?”

“Yeah, of course. Speaking of which…” Jean tapped his earpiece. “Guys? Status? I’m with Armin and-”

The van door flew open before Jean could finish speaking. Poetically, Eren was the one holding it open. It was hard to ignore how out of breath and undone he looked. His hair was a mess, his face was red, and he looked like he’d been in a serious fight based on the blood on his knuckles.

Armin didn’t wanna see the other guy.

“Eren, what the hell?!” Jean had stood up at the sudden intrusion, but Armin felt glued to his seat. “What happened?”

“Destroyed all their shit. Couldn’t find Kenny.” Eren stepped inside, closing the door behind himself. “Made them call off the shipment, killed a few guys. Mikasa wouldn’t let me kill the fuckin’ perv though.” In between breaths, Eren managed to find Armin’s eyes. “We got him in custody. I’ll finish the job later. I’ll fucking cut his dick off.”

“Eren.” Jean used that commanding tone again. Luckily, Eren seemed too tired to fight it. Armin slowly stood himself up, ignoring that two pairs of eyes were staring at him.

“Are you okay?”

Eren had to physically hold back a scoff of disbelief. “I’m fine. Just.. sit in the back with me, okay?”

Eren and Armin made their way to the back seat. It was almost funny; the second Armin felt Eren wrap his arms around him, put a hand in his hair and hold him tight, it was like Armin turned himself off. He stopped caring about what type of ‘coping mechanism’ Hange would label this as. He didn’t want to have to worry about anything anymore, and he only felt like he could do that when he was with Eren. 

The van started moving, and Armin didn’t realize he was crying until Eren started wiping his tears, mumbling sweet nothings in his ear. For the first time that night, Armin truly let himself cry. He wasn’t sobbing, but he couldn’t fight back the hot tears rolling down his face. He tried to focus on Eren rubbing his back, petting his hair and gently touching his face, which felt heavenly.

He sniffled, turning closer towards Eren’s body. “...would you mind coming with me when I give my mission report? I don’t wanna be alone.”

“Anything, Min.” Eren rubbed his thumb across Armin’s jaw. “Wanna go to my place after? Take your mind off things?”

God, Eren was perfect. He had to be a figment of Armin’s imagination. All he wanted to do was forget this entire night ever happened. All he needed was one night to himself and Eren, no matter what they were going to do.

“Yeah.” Armin didn’t realize how tired he was until he heard his own voice. Eren must’ve heard it too.

“We’ll clean up, get comfy. We’ll do whatever you want, okay?”

Armin simply nodded his head. If Eren had continued talking, he couldn’t hear it. His heart had finally slowed down enough for his chest not to hurt. He was actually able to relax for the first time in what felt like years.

Armin followed Eren closely behind, taking his shoes off and closing the door behind himself. The aroma of Eren’s apartment was enough on its own to make him feel zen. He always felt safe when he was here.

“Do you wanna do anything before we shower?” Eren was putting his jacket on the backside of a chair, watching Armin run a hand through his hair.

“Do you have any liquor?”

Eren tsked, turning towards his kitchen and pulling out a bottle of vodka. He also grabbed a shot glass, knowing that Armin would ask for that next. He poured the blond a shot, setting it on the table before putting the bottle back.

“Bad habits, Min.”

Armin grabbed the glass, downing the shot. He set the now empty glass on the table before speaking. “I just needed to clean my throat. Felt gross.”

Eren didn’t know how to respond. He simply nodded, closing his cabinets before walking Armin into his bedroom. This hadn’t been the first time Armin, or any of the team for that matter, had asked for alcohol to take a load off, but this time was different. Armin had never been assaulted while being with the Scouts, and it was never an issue Eren thought would come up.

The mission report was rough, to say the least. By the time their squad made it back to headquarters, Armin seemed too tired to sugar coat what had happened to him. Frankly, everyone was tired, but Armin was more mentally drained than physical. Eren could tell by his posture, the way he spoke, how blunt he was, the fact that he hid nothing from Levi and Hange. It was a lot to take in.

Armin denied it going further than oral sex, and was relieved when Levi and Hange left the matter up to him. Armin, while not hiding any details, claimed he was fine. He didn’t want time off, he didn’t need an emergency appointment with Hange, he just wanted to drop it and leave it alone. It helped that he was persistent on staying with Eren for the night. The last thing the blond needed was to be alone, and Eren promised himself to never leave Armin alone again until the blond beat him off with a stick.

Eren turned his shower on, and got two towels out before getting Armin’s attention again. The blond was standing in the hallway, watching him with big eyes.

“If you don’t want me in there, say the word and I’ll step out.” Eren met Armin’s eyes, watching the blond nod. While he didn’t want to leave Amrin alone, he could also understand him not wanting to see him fully nude.

“I know. I’m okay with it.” When Eren gave him a look, Armin fought the urge to roll his eyes. “I want you in there with me.”

Eren smiled, and took Armin’s hand into the bathroom. They wordlessly took off their clothes, and stepped into the shower before closing the glass door. Eren was hesitant to touch Armin at first, and simply watched the blond close his eyes and submerge himself in the water. He distracted himself by getting the washcloth and soap ready.

“Can I touch you? I wanna get your back.” Maybe Eren was being overly cautious, but he’d rather be safe than sorry. He felt it wouldn’t be fair to not give Armin the option to tell him off and to get out, but he also knew how Armin felt about being treated like he was made of glass.

“Mhmm.” Armin seemed to be relaxing, nodding his head before turning around, his back facing Eren.

Eren was sure to rub in slow, small circles. He wanted to help Armin relax as much as possible, to not make movements that were too fast or too rough. As he washed Armin’s back, he watched the blond put his head against the wall. His left temple touched the cold tile, and for a moment Eren thought he was trying to fall asleep. He was surprised when Armin started to talk.

“It’s weird. I’ve been through worse, y’know? So much worse.” Armin shook his head, staring at the tiles next to his head, like he was disappointed. “I don’t know why I feel like this.”

“What happened is still bad, Minnie.” Eren grabbed his shoulder, keeping him steady, “It wouldn’t be good if you said you were used to it.”

Armin paused. “I used to be used to it.”

Eren swallowed. That was deeper than he’d expected. “I know, Min. It’s.. it’s not right.”

Silence fell over them. Eren spent an ungodly amount of time washing Armin’s back, but he didn’t know what else to do. He didn’t want to let go of him yet. Not when he was talking like this, so pessimistic and straight forward.

The silence didn’t last long. Armin couldn’t hold back from exclaiming his inner thoughts. “I hate this, Eren. I feel fucking disgusting.” 

“You are not disgusting.” Eren stopped washing his back for a moment. He refused to let Armin speak like that. “But… let me help, okay? We’ll shower, brush our teeth, put on clean clothes.”

Armin thought for a moment, before nodding his head and shrugging. “Yeah, okay.”

Eren spent the least amount of time on himself as possible. Once he gave Armin the wash cloth, he rubbed his shoulders and helped wash his hair. He knew Armin was starting to calm down when he let the tension in his neck fall. Eren continued to massage his shoulders, his scalp, his lower back, pretty much anywhere he knew Armin had felt pain.

He quickly washed himself, turned off the shower, handed Armin a towel, and headed towards his bedroom. He pulled out a pair of his sweatpants and a t-shirt to give to Armin, and his own set for himself. He heard Armin start to brush his teeth, and soon joined him. They were silent again, but Eren felt relieved knowing it was a more comfortable silence than before.

The pair changed into pajamas, and Eren put on a random TV show Armin’s never seen. He laid down, and felt euphoric when Armin practically jumped into his arms. Armin could hear Eren’s heart beat, and was thrilled he could hear that sound without it being his own. He felt Eren put a hand in his damp hair, and wanted to cry tears of joy when Eren started rubbing his back.

The lights had been turned off, the TV was at a perfectly low volume, and everything around was warm, soft and comforting. The best part of it all was having Eren underneath him; he’d occasionally kiss the top of his head, whisper kind words to him, answer all the dumb questions he had about the program they were watching. Most of all, Eren eased the stress weighing on his mind.

“Feel any better?” Eren kept his voice low, scratching Armin’s head.

“Yeah, I’m better.”

Eren didn’t want to push, but gambled with his next question. “...did you wanna take your meds or anything? Before you fall asleep?”

Armin shrugged into Eren’s hold. “I guess this would be the time.”

“I don’t wanna tell you what to do or anything, but..” Eren sat up, just a little. “..I’d feel bad not mentioning it.”

“I get it, it’s okay.” Armin reluctantly pulled himself out of the warm embrace, reaching over to the bedside table. 

Armin eventually found the little orange container. He took two pills out, not thinking twice before swallowing them dry. There was a month where he tried to taper himself off his medication on his own, and after many discussions with Hange, he convinced the doctor to make his prescription ‘as needed’. Unfortunately for him, this time he actually needed them.

He quickly fell back into his original position, and he swore Eren made his grip tighter the second time around. Armin had lost track of time, but eventually he could feel his mind start to zone out. He hasn’t felt this calm in a long time.

“I think I’m falling asleep.”

Eren kissed his head again. “I’m right here. Go ahead.”

Armin let out a breath, before closing his eyes.

2/2