Chapter Text
Sirius had never been attracted to the qualities that you “should” look for in a person, instead preferring to chase after whichever guy gave him the biggest adrenaline rush. He’d been 11 years old when he figured out he was gay, he’d been watching cartoons on a saturday morning (a privilege he only got on saturdays from 8-11) when it had cut from invader zim to danny phantom. Sirius realized early on that, while women were beautiful, he never got the same feeling in his stomach when Kim Possible was on screen that he did when, say, Robin, Danny Phantom, or Pleakly (the agent from lilo and stitch) did, now, for a 10 year old raised to believe that the bible was the only viable source for true history, people of a different race than him were gross, and that, most importantly, men and men being together was the most heinous sin of them all, this was a rather scary feeling, the fear was impermanent, however, because Sirius soon realized that not believing in the bible had absolutely no repercussions.
Soon he’d realized that what his parents had been teaching him his whole life was entirely rubbish, cursing won’t get you struck down, people of color were just as human as anyone else, he was beginning to wonder if the alphabet really went “A, B, C, D” or if they had made that up too. As the Danny Phantom intro played in the background he continued spooning up bites of Cheerios while the minutes ticked by, his mother wouldn’t be home until late that evening and his little brother wasn’t finished with his chores yet, and his father rarely came out of his study other than to yell at them nowadays, so Sirius had the whole house to himself for the most part.
Stretching his legs out in front of him, he winced, the fresh welts on his calves and thighs rubbing against the rough carpet as he shifted, a cruel gift from his mother the night before for being out of bed past lights out. He sat his cereal bowl next to him as the cartoon characters ran around the screen, his attention fully absorbed by the colorful attractions. He knew that soon Regulus would emerge from cleaning his room and demand he be allowed to watch Disney Channel, to which Sirius would oblige like always, but for now he sat quietly, watching the characters and their adventures on the screen.
Sure enough, a few minutes later Regulus came running down the stairs and into the living room, already halfway through his question. Sirius flipped the channels, glancing at the clock and picking up his bowl of cereal. “What do you want for breakfast, Reg?” he asked, watching as one of the cast drew the Disney Channel logo on screen. “Hmm, oatmeal.” the younger boy replied, transfixed on the screen. Sirius nodded and left for the kitchen, putting his bowl in the sink and filling the kettle with water for his brothers oatmeal, while he waited he glanced back at the TV, playing Mulan from wherever the commercial break had paused at while Regulus waited patiently for 11:00, when Phinneas and Ferb played. The scene eventually came up to where Mulan is being trained by Shang to carry the buckets on the stick. He found himself unable to look away, his eyes trained on the cartoon character’s shirtless figure, he blinked only when the kettle squealed, shocking him from his ‘trance’, he quickly turned around, trying to convince himself that his face was hot simply because of the steam from the kettle. Once he’d given Regulus his oatmeal he got to his chores, knowing his father would further welt his legs if he came down and saw them unfinished, however his mind kept wandering, he couldn’t figure out why he’d felt so fluttery when that scene had come on, was he sick? Well, no, he didn’t feel poorly, so what was it?
Hours later, when he had finished up the last of his chores and come back inside, sweaty, sore, and tired from the laborious chores he’d done, he came inside and went immediately not to the shower, where he normally would’ve seeked even the littlest bit of solace from the heavy aura of the Black Manor, he went to the den, sitting down at the family computer and wincing as he thought of how his mother would react if she saw him sitting in her ‘good’ chairs like this, but he pushed the thought aside. He focused on the computer screen, typing in the search bar “Im a guy, why do I like guys?” the question, to him, seemed pretty concise, however when the results popped up on screen they were anything but; ads, articles on unrelated topics, and buzzfeed quizzes flooded his screen, he clicked around for a few minutes, reading various headlines until his eyes fell upon a new word he had yet to see before, in big bold letters across one of the buzzfeed quizzes was the word; “Gay? Take this quiz and find out!”, he clicked the link, figuring that this might ease his worries. He was quickly proven wrong.
Sirius’s heart beat faster with every moment he spent on the quizzes, time after time his results popped up, each more discouraging than the last, “97%”, “84%”, “94%”, they came up one after the other, sending Sirius into a slight panic. He closed out his tabs, wiping his evidence before making a beeline for the backyard. He hated trying to think inside of that house, it felt like the walls were closing in on him slowly every time he tried to think of something that wasn’t the bible paraphernalia littered all over the house.
When he made it to the edge of the treeline, he was on his way to start down one of the little footpaths he had made over time when he heard a rustling, he was about to reach out and move the shrubbery to see what it was when a boy, around his age with large circular glasses, came tumbling out, popping back to his feet immediately. The boy was taller than him by maybe an inch, with shaggy black hair and warm brown skin, wearing jeans and a 49’ers jersey with the name “Potter” spelled across the back in large gold letters. Sirius blinked up at the boy, confused and intrigued all at the same time, before he could formulate a reply or one of the snarky comments he’d become known for, the boy spoke first. “Hi there, I’m James.” the boy, named James apparently, said, holding his hand out for Sirius to shake, which he did, James gave him a lopsided, gap toothed grin. “Do you wanna play a game with me?” he asked, gesturing to the woods, to which Sirius eagerly nodded his head.
The two boys disappeared into the woods, exploring old abandoned buildings, climbing trees, and sword fighting with sticks for hours, until they heard the sound of a cowbell ringing in the distance, James told Sirius to follow him and lead him out of the woods, to a different manor that must not have been far from his own, where a short, plump, indian woman stood at the top of the back steps, wearing a floral muumuu and an apron tied around her waist as she held up the cowbell and rang it.
When James ran forward, up the back steps and over to a small table on the deck, Sirius came to a stop at the edge of the treeline, a bit skittish about coming onto someone elses property without their permission. The woman must’ve noticed this because she walked down the steps, leaning down and saying something quietly to James before approaching Sirius. “Good afternoon, darling. What’s your name?” she asked, her voice melodic and sweet like honeysuckles, Sirius had felt oddly comforted by her presence, her warm, bright smile and her nice smelling perfume. “Sirius, ma’am. Sirius Black.” He replied, his voice coming out smaller than he’d meant it to, the woman gave him a soft smile, she didn’t seem at all angry that he wasn’t making eye contact with her, nor that his pant legs were stained green and brown from he and James’ adventures. “My name is Effie, dear. But you can call me whatever you like. How about we get you inside and let you have a snack, yes?” She asked, her warm, inviting presence not wavering a bit. Sirius nodded, feeling a little bit better as he walked side by side with Effie back up to the house, she gestured at the small table, containing plates stacked with turkey sandwiches and fruit skewers. “Have a seat, dear. I’ll go inside and get the lemonade.” she said, before disappearing into the house. Sirius sat, chatting with James and snacking for a little while before, eventually, all of the sandwiches and fruit skewers were gone, along with half of the pitcher of lemonade. After checking in with Effie, James and Sirius ran gleefully back into the woods, deciding to build a fort.
After a few hours, the sun had started to set and Sirius knew his mother would be heading home soon, so he said goodbye to James and walked back to the cold, dark aura of the Black Manor. As soon as he stepped into the house he was greeted by Regulus, holding up his little black notebook that he’d been coloring in and showcasing all of the drawings he had made throughout the day. While his brother continued telling him about all he’d done that day, Sirius listened from inside the bathroom, having gotten in the shower as soon as he’d come inside. Once he had cleaned himself up and helped Regulus in cleaning behind his own ears, he allowed himself to relax for a moment, taking a seat in front of the tv, flipping through the channels, thinking to himself for a moment until Regulus piped up, pointing at one of the shows that Sirius had passed, “The Fairly odd Parents”, and recommending they watch it, to which he obliged and turned the show on.
Only an hour later their mother came home, following behind her were the family’s servants, who Sirius often snuck soda and food, lugging the week's groceries with them as they came inside. His mother went to complaining immediately, whinging loudly about how the counters weren’t wiped, which they were, or that the dishes weren’t done, even though they too were already finished. When she passed behind the two boys sitting on the carpet she didn’t have to think twice before she tugged the carpet beneath them, making it scrape against Sirius’s fresh welts. “You had better think about how those feel before you try to disrespect me again, Sirius.” she hissed venomously, Sirius had thought her a snake for the first few years of his life, unable to tell the difference between her harshness and the poison of a rattlesnake, nevertheless, he nodded sharply. “Yes, Mother.” was all he said, not once taking his eyes off the tv, not wanting to look at her and ruin his day, as all he’d been thinking about since he returned was Mrs Potter, and how she had been the perfect image of a mother, caring and warm, and never ill handed toward her children. He didn’t want to taint her image or honour by associating her with his own mother in any way.
Later that night, at the dinner table, Sirius’s father Orion was droning on about statistics and finances, see, Sirius’s parents were part of a ‘religious group’ known as the “death eaters”, they’d been a part of this ‘group’ since Sirius could remember, going so far as to take him to meetings on occasion when he was really young and a sitter or a nanny wasn’t an option, thankfully, however, Sirius never paid attention to what the so called ‘leaders’ of this group said, but he knew they studied the bible and adhered to it no matter what. As he got older, he’d started to realize that this ‘group’ was less of a group and more so a cult, an aggressive one at that, when Regulus was 7, Sirius had recruited him to tag along with their parents to one of the meetings and write down whatever crazy shit they said in a notebook and then give it to him when they got back home, Regulus, of course, happily agreed and followed along with his parents, when he’d returned he had given the notebook to Sirius with a shrug, apparently these people were good at pretending this was a religion after all, because Regulus hadn’t seemed all that disturbed, however the things written inside the notebook were definitely a cause for concern, things like “You must become more like the savior than yourself in order to be saved”, “If god hadn’t wanted you to suffer in the ways that you have, he would have written your story differently”, and “For his wife must be submissive to him fully, and if she does not then he must make her”, all of which seemed totally dystopian and like bullshit to Sirius, but his parents seemed to believe it.
As for James, Sirius found himself going over to his house every day when his mother went to work, him and James would run around in the woods, playing make believe and improving their fort day by day, leaving them every night to return to their respectful houses and fantasise about what the next day would bring while they drifted off to sleep at night. After a few months of being at his house every day, Sirius had opened up to Effie, about his mother and father, about the origins of the welts on his legs, arms, and back, about the cult, Effie becoming more of a mother to him than his own mother ever had been. When he mentioned Regulus, Effie had stopped him, asking if Regulus was treated the same way he was, when he told her yes, she had told him to bring Regulus by the next day and left no room for argument, to which Sirius had agreed.
The next day he had told Regulus he had something to show him and led him into the woods behind the Black Manor, when Regulus saw the fort, he’d assumed that’s where they’d be going, so you can imagine his surprise when they emerged in the backyard of a home he hadn’t even knew existed.
Effie greeted the two of them with her usual beaming smile, her warm and inviting presence seeming to act as a salve for Regulus’s discomfort as she made small conversation with them because James had still been at football practice when they’d arrived. Of course, the second Regulus had laid eyes on James he’d been smitten, as most usually are (even Sirius had to admit that he’d had a rather embarrassing crush on James for a week or two), however unlike Sirius’s, this didn’t seem to be a typical infatuation. The whole walk home that evening Regulus didn’t shut up about James, so much so that Sirius wondered if their mother could hear them from wherever she was.
As they got older, Sirius and James only grew more inseparable, they did everything together, they were on the same football team, they both played rugby, they rode the same bus, you never saw one without the other. This, of course, like most good things that happened to Sirius, came with a price, because while Sirius and James were having the times of their lives, Regulus was suffering; his grades, which he usually would just ask Sirius to help with, plummeted, his mental state got worse, and he began to act out more. By the time Regulus was 15, his brother and James, unsurprisingly, were never around, the two always joyriding or playing rugby in James’s backyard, and, while Regulus would never admit this, it was hurting him. He began to go to more of the cult meetings and met a few kids around his age there, a tall, gangly boy named Barty, and a set of twins named Evan and Pandora Rosier, who both had hair the color of snow and blue eyes.
Sirius, meanwhile, had spent his teenage years the way he wanted to, he’d had just about every guy at his private school in his bed at some point, James joked sometimes, and Sirius didn’t think it was that far off from the truth. By the time Sirius was 16 his criminal record was lengthy to say the very least, having been arrested for possesion of drugs and alcohol more times than he could count, and having had sex with more guys than he thought was in the city population. He’d also had a number of boyfriends, some for longer than others, sometimes multiple at the same time, but none more than a year. By the time he was 17, however, Sirius had gotten himself a boyfriend he actually cared about, a tall, ruggish, gangly boy with messy dirty blonde hair and more scars than he probably could remember the stories to, his name is Remus.
When Sirius had told James that he and Remus, James’s first reaction was “fuck you want me to say? finally?” which, in retrospect, was funny, but at the time had caused Sirius to almost die of embarrassment, Sirius had acquired a rather large group of friends over time, some of which, like Remus, Peter and Dorcas, he had met at school, but he had been introduced to a bunch of new people through Remus, just a few of them being Lily Evans, a fiery, freckley, opinionated girl who Sirius absolutely adored, Marlene McKinnon a pale girl with short blonde hair and more tattoos than were probably legal at her age, and Mary Macdonald, a bit shorter black girl with voluminous, poofy curls that shed everywhere, the girls quickly becoming an integral part of Sirius’s life over time, and especially since they’d moved to Salem Massachusetts for James, Remus, Lily, and Mary’s schooling.