Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

One of the first things that Raphael learns about Casey Jones is just how physical the guy is. It makes sense, considering he plays high contact sports like Hockey. He’s constantly talking with his hands, and bouncing on the balls of his feet when he’s excited, and bumping into people and throwing his arm over shoulders and leaving no space between himself and others on the couch during movie nights. He has no restraint when he accidentally brushes hands, and freely grabs for people. It seems like he has no personal space bubble, and he’s more than willing to pop others’.

Raphael doesn’t mind it. He grew up with three brothers who also don’t have a good sense of personal space, especially Michelangelo. When you grow up mostly secluded from the outside world, social norms like that aren't really present in your mind. Especially when you’re a little kid, and still learning. 

But Mikey does watch a lot of TV, and so they all do by proxy. And those social norms, while not explicitly stated, become kind of clear. People give others space, especially strangers and people you don’t know very well. Only family, close friends, or partners really cuddle or touch a lot. And when people do, it’s usually a more private matter, something you don’t just flaunt around. Especially for guys; there’s only ever a pat on the back, or the occasional bro hug, or handshake. 

And as the turtles got older and started growing into themselves, they started replicating the same behavior they saw in the movies. They don’t cuddle in a pile like they used to, they don’t constantly give each other hugs or hold hands. They started needing more space from each other. Donnie always wants space as he works in his lab. Leo tries to establish himself as a respectable figure, and doesn’t have time for all the mushy gushy all the time. Raph is tough, he doesn’t need a shoulder to lean on. And Mikey…well Mikey is Mikey.

And then they met April. And those social norms, of when you touch people and when you don’t, became even clearer. 

Casey Jones, however, doesn’t seem to care at all. In fact, he seems to enjoy breaking social norms. At first it kind of threw Raph for a loop; Casey flipped his understanding of physical contact with other people upside down, and Raph wasn’t sure what was going on. But he’s come to grow used to it, that that's just Casey. And Raph kind of has to respect it; it’s not like the guy is oblivious, he clearly knows what he’s doing. Because he seems to know that Donnie does not want to be touched by him. And he seems to know that Leo isn’t always in the mood. Casey respects those boundaries, mostly. It doesn’t entirely stop him, but it’s clear he holds back when he knows he should.

It’s not a problem. Raphael is fine with it now. In fact, he secretly enjoys it. Casey is so nonchalant about physical contact, makes it feel so un-awkward or not weird, like Raph was implicitly taught it was supposed to be, that Raph finds himself unabashedly returning it. Slinging an arm around him, roughing up his hair, grabbing his wrist to drag him places, leaning into him as they sit on rooftops, throwing his feet into his lap as they watch a show in the lair. Casey makes it fine. Like this is just a normal thing to do. 

The problem is when Casey’s touchy feely behavior unknowingly strays into a very different territory. One that Raph is well aware that Casey doesn’t understand, and yet that turtle part of his brain can’t shake. 

It starts with Casey clapping him on the back. Totally normal, not strange at all. Tame, even, for Casey Jones. But that morphs into Casey sometimes slipping his hand to grab at the back of Raph’s neck, just to give him a friendly squeeze. 

Except it’s really not a friendly kind of squeeze for Raphael. The touch means something far from friendly. 

The first time it happens Raph freezes up, staring at his friend with wide eyes and a gaping mouth. Casey gives him a weird look, clearly confused as to why Raph looks like he’s seen a ghost. It takes him a couple seconds of wondering why Casey would do that , until it registers that Casey wouldn’t know what a touch like that means. So Raph quickly tries to shake the feeling it sends down his spine, and the weird twisting it causes in his stomach. And tries to act totally normal about it. 

The second time it happens it still shocks him, and gives him that weird feeling in his chest, but he knows it’s not Casey’s intention. 

And then there’s the time when Casey knocks their foreheads together, whooping in excitement after having just kicked some ass in an alleyway. It’s quick, and brief, and he pulls back fairly quickly, but it still makes Raph stutter for a moment. 

A lot of Casey’s accidental touches like that tend to happen during exciting moments. When adrenaline is high, and he’s celebrating something, or they’re in the middle of goofing off and wrestling. 

Like the time he grabs him by the neck to  knock their heads together. Or grabbing him by the face and yelling in excitement, slapping his cheeks around. Or when they’re sparing, and Casey bites his shoulder, pulling back to cackle at the expression on Raph’s face.  

It’s a lot. Raph is thrown off every single time it happens. The physical response happens before his mind registers why it’s so nerve wracking; instinct before thought. It makes his heart jump a beat, and his face gets warm. And there’s that innate desire in the back of his head to reciprocate. But then it clicks in his mind the meaning behind those actions, and he knows he shouldn’t. It- it would be wrong . 

He doesn’t like Casey like that…he shouldn’t like Casey like that. They’re just, friends . Really good friends. Casey doesn’t have any idea that the things he’s doing are different turtle courting rituals. He’s just- being Casey. His touchy-feely self.

It’s fine. Raph tells himself that it’s totally fine. It’s something he should just ignore and brush off. He should stop thinking about it. He shouldn’t be researching turtle courtship on his t-phone, just to make sure he isn’t going crazy and he’s misremembering when Donnie explained this stuff to them several years ago, when they’d all hit puberty. It’s totally fine because it turns out he’s correct, so the weird feeling he gets is normal and not weird, just a natural reaction. There’s nothing else going on. It’s fine .

Until one night, when it’s just the two of them. And Casey convinces Raph to play some basketball with him when they come across an empty park. It’s fine, they’re having fun. Raph is better at this than he would have expected, considering he never really gets to play.

It’s fine until Casey’s hands clasp over the edge of his shell, up by his shoulders, and he practically uses him as a way to vault up and knock the ball out of air before it makes a basket. Casey lands stomach first against Raph’s shell before slipping down, a whoop coming from his mouth in victory. 

It sends a swoop through Raph’s stomach. It feels like his heart lurches in his chest, both dropping down through his belly and shooting up his throat. 

“Hell yeah! I’m unstoppable!” Casey shouts, slapping Raph’s shell and yanking back slightly where his left hand is still at the top edge of Raph’s shell.

It makes Raph stumble slightly, air choking up in his throat, stomach doing all kinds of acrobatics in his belly. He turns around, yanking away from Casey. 

Casey’s brown eyes are squinting from him smiling wide, sparkling slightly from the moon. His cheeks are flushed from the physical activity, and he looks triumphant, throwing a fist up in the air.

And Raph is kicked in the chest by a feeling he doesn’t entirely know how to name. But it renders him unable to speak.

“Dude, you suck ! Get dunked on bro!” Casey whoops, playfully shoving at his plastron to push him back, a squeaky giggle leaving his lips.

Raph stumbles, and his face feels impossibly hot. He stares in shock, blinking rapidly as he tries to catch his bearings.

“Yo, dude are you good? Why are you looking at me like that?” Casey’s smile falls, and suddenly he looks weirded out.

Raph tries to find something to say. His mouth opens and closes, he swallows, and nothing comes out except a squeak. 

Casey scoffs. He steps forward, a hand cuffing the back of Raph’s head. “Dude, don’t act so surprised. I told you I was good. No need to gape.” 

Raph feels like his face is going even redder at the touch to his head. Casey reaches out to touch him again, and this time Raph ducks, flinching back. Casey completely comes to a halt, the slightly amused expression on his face giving way to worry.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” 

Raph finally finds words. He sounds unsteady even to his own ears. “Uh- I’m- nothing. Fine. Just- uh- s-surprised! Um- I think we should head back maybe.” He almost feels sick.

Casey doesn’t look convinced, an eyebrow raised. But Raph doesn’t take time to elaborate at all. He just starts to go.

Thankfully they run into some thugs to beat up shortly afterwards that distracts Casey from asking more questions. It doesn’t help that Casey headbutts him in victory when they send the thugs scrambling away, grabbing at the back of his neck and squeezing a little harder than usual. Raph decides to call their patrol to an end. Casey doesn’t really complain, admitting he has some homework he needs to do anyways. So they part ways.

Raph stays out later than he should, sitting at the top of a building and watching the night traffic zoom by him from below. Lost in his thoughts.

Casey did a little more than courtship behavior. More like mating behavior. It has Raph’s stomach twisting in knots. Especially when he realizes that he didn’t entirely hate the feeling of Casey briefly pressed against his carapace, or his hands tugging at the top lip of his shell. He’s pretty sure he shouldn’t enjoy something as intimate as that . Surely that’s not…normal? He shouldn’t want his best friend doing that?

Raph curses, slapping his hands over his face and groaning. He doesn’t know what to feel right now. A part of him is trying to say that it’s totally normal that it made him feel this way, given the nature of the action. Another part says that he should probably be more embarrassed, or appalled, or disgusted, or- or something . That he should have wanted to correct Casey, and tell him not to do that ever again. He shouldn’t want Casey to keep doing it. 

His chest feels tight the more he thinks about it. Leo sends him a text asking where he is. Raph realizes it’s almost 3am, and his brother is probably worried. He should have been home hours ago. He and Casey try not to stay out past midnight unless it’s a weekend, or they’re with the other boys on a mission. He scrambles off the roof, and makes his way into the sewers and back home.

Leo looks about ready to give him a lecture when he gets back to the lair, but then he seems to falter when he sees him. As if Raph’s torment is written across his face, or something stupid like that.

“Sorry.” Raph mumbles, his cheeks still feeling like they’re burning. He brushes past his brother to head to his bedroom. 

Leo doesn’t lecture him. Just calls after him to be more careful and watch the clock better next time. Raph just grunts, and flops down in his bed.

He doesn’t really sleep that night. He tosses and turns, and stares up at his ceiling. Bites at his lips, and fiddles with his fingers. His stomach feels upset. His shoulders feel tense. He feels like he’s wound up like one of those crank toys. 

He’s exhausted the next day. He doesn’t do too well during morning training. Splinter doesn’t look impressed. Raph isn’t very impressed with himself either. Especially when Mikey and Donnie successfully kick his ass. Leo gives him the dignity of not sparring with him. Simply just pats him on the back, and then proceeds to wipe the floor with Donnie, who doesn’t look like he got much sleep either. At least Raphael isn’t the only one that Splinter is unimpressed with.

- - - - -

It happens again. In fact, over the next week, it seems Casey’s new favorite thing is to sneak up behind Raph, grab him by the top lip of his shell, and then yank him back to tackle him in a tight hug around his shoulders, carapace pressed against Casey’s chest. They’re quick, and don’t ever last that long, just a short strong hug as Casey giggles when Raph lets out a small squeak in surprise. But it’s a lot more than just that first time, and it leaves Raph’s brain feeling broken.

And to be clear, it’s not that he’s actually sneaking up on Raph- don’t get it twisted. Raph is well aware of where Casey is at all times. He’s a ninja , he’s honed his skills. Also it’s…it’s hard for Raph to not notice Casey. It’s just that it’s not what he’s expecting when he hears Casey behind him.

Casey also makes a habit of grabbing him by the shell like that just in general. Even if he’s standing in front of him, grabbing him by the lip of his shell rather than his shoulders in order to shake him as he expresses his excitement over their latest successful battle, or using him as something to hold onto as he jumps up and down. 

And it’s making Raph feel insane . To feel Casey’s hands on him like that, in the same way a male turtle would wrap his claws over a female’s shell in order to mount her. To feel Casey pressed up against him. For Casey to shake his shoulders and jump and squeal in excitement. To hear that giggle close to his ear, the same sound that makes Raphael’s chest feel warm. 

And Raph probably isn’t helping the situation. In his attempts to sweep his shock under the rug, as to not freak Casey out, instead he’s probably giving the wrong message. Because he tries to cover his embarrassment up with a smile, and often ends up laughing out of awkwardness. Which Casey seems to interpret as Raph finding it funny, or amusing. So he’s kept doing it. 

He also hasn’t told Casey to stop. He should . Casey doesn’t have any idea what he’s doing, or what it means, and it’s probably really messed up for Raph to keep letting him do it. It’s probably messed up that Raph likes it ; likes the feeling of his best friend touching him in such an intimate way. That’s- that’s fucked up, right? And yet he can’t seem to say anything. The longer it goes on, the more Raph realizes how weird it would be to say something. Because Casey would probably be very embarrassed if he found out. And probably also very confused as to why Raph has kept letting him do this, and didn’t say anything sooner. And what does Raph have to say to that? “ Oh, I just kind of like it ?” Absolutely not . 

So instead he says nothing. And it continues. The headbutts, the neck grabbing, the shell yanking, the tackle hugs from behind. And he actually looks forward to them. Starts to enjoy the little rush those actions give him.

Raph is kind of in denial. He's aware that Casey is taking up his mind more and more. Even when the guy isn’t around, Raphael is thinking about his toothy gaping smile. Or his dimples. Or the way his brown eyes crinkle when he’s happy. Or how good it feels in Raph’s chest to see Casey happy, or how giddy he feels when Casey is all excited. He’ll see something while on patrol with his brothers, and thinks ‘Casey would find that funny’ or ‘Casey would like those pants’ or ‘Casey would look good in those pants- wait what ?’. Or he’s thinking about the last time Casey smacked a puck into a guy’s face, and the way his muscles bunch when he lifts a manhole, or the way his messy black hair hangs in his face, or his eyelashes when he winks.

It’s starting to kind of freak him out. Leo has had to snap him out of his thoughts a few times now, the thought of Casey becoming a distraction even during patrols, when Raph should be focusing . 

It’s- this is totally normal. To feel like this about your best friend. It’s normal. 

…Right? 

Okay, so maybe not. Maybe that’s not normal. Raph might spend a few late-night mornings laying in his bed researching things like ‘why does my stomach feel fluttery around my best friend ’, and ‘why can’t I stop thinking about my friend ’, and ‘ is it normal to think your friend is cute ’, and ‘ is it normal to like it when your friend touches you ’.

The terrifying conclusion that the internet comes to is that Raphael has a big fat crush on his best friend. Which like… what ? 

That can’t be right. Raph…he can’t have a crush , on Casey . That’s just…ridiculous. It’s Casey . He’s a human. And Raphael is a big mutant turtle. And…and he’s a guy .

Raph feels embarrassed when he looks up ‘ can guys be attracted to guys ’. Because Raph can’t remember ever seeing two guys together, in like, a relationship . That’s never been in any of the movies they watch, or the crazy shows Mikey finds on old VCR tapes. 

And then when he gets his answer, his next search is ‘ what does it mean to be gay ’. 

So in short, Raphael is kind of freaking out. Apparently he has a crush on his best friend. Apparently he’s attracted to guys ? Apparently that means he’s gay? And why hasn’t he heard of that before? Why is this the first time he’s learning about humans liking the same gender? 

It gets to a point where Raph thinks he might need to talk to someone about it. Because it feels like this secret trapped inside of his chest might just explode. He needs to get it out. Or at least, figure out if maybe he’s just over reacting, and it’s actually totally normal for him to feel like this.

He goes through the list in his head, of who he could possibly talk to about this. Casey himself is a definite no . That would be terrible. Splinter is also a no. He doesn’t know what his father might think, and talking to him about this sounds embarrassing. Mikey is too unserious. Leo is too serious. April is…well April is a girl . And he’s not sure they’re close enough for him to confide in her something like this. He probably could, and she’d probably be helpful and probably has the most experience in what having a crush feels like, but he’s just…he doesn’t really want to ask her. 

He settles on Donnie. Which actually feels kind of right. Because his brother doesn’t need to know about Casey. But his brother does know what it’s like to have a crush on someone. 

He steps into his brother’s lab one morning, when the rest of his family is finally all asleep. Donnie is hunched over his desk working on something. Raph fiddles with his fingers, feeling uncharacteristically unsure of himself.

“You’re hovering. What do you want?” Donnie sighs after a moment, sitting up in his chair.

Raph rubs the back of his head. “Uh- I uh. Just wanted to know if I could ask you a few questions. About something.”

Donnie seems to pick up on his brother’s nervousness, and his demeanor changes to something softer.

“Yeah, sure, of course.” 

Raph has gone over his questions in his head over and over again, but suddenly in this moment his mind feels blank. He stumbles to find words.

“Oh- uh- I um. Well. Uh.” He takes a big huff of breath, picking at his nail. “I um. I guess I just wanted to know uh…what it’s like to have a crush. Like- how- how do you know if you have one?”

He feels his face heat up in embarrassment, and cringes slightly.

Donnie’s mouth quirks into a small smile. “Awe. Does Raphie have a crush on someone? Who? Do share!”

Raph huffs. Clearly this was a mistake. He grumbles. “Shut up! Just- forget it. Should’ve known you’d be stupid about it.” He turns around, gritting his teeth.

“Raph! Raph wait!” Donnie scrambles out of his chair, jogging up to him. Raph shoves off the hand that grabs his elbow. “Raph wait- I was just joking. I’m not- I can be serious, about this.” 

Raph eyes him suspiciously. “You won’t tell anyone?”

Donnie nods. “Promise.” 

Raph hesitates. And then he sighs. “Okay, then- then just- answer my question.” 

Donnie’s cheeks suddenly go pink, and he gets a shy look on his face. “Uh. Well. I guess…I mean, the butterflies. Like when you look at them, your stomach feels all fluttery. And you feel like you’ve forgotten how to talk. And you’re kind of obsessed with their smile. And when they laugh, oh man. When April laughs- uh- I mean-“ Donnie laughs nervously. “I um. I mean, it makes your legs kind of weak. At least- that’s kind of how I feel. Almost like I can’t breathe around her. Or I forget how to walk properly. I feel kind of useless around her, actually. And I think about her a lot. Without meaning to. At times when I shouldn’t be.” 

And yeah, that doesn’t really help Raphael feel better at all. Because what Donnie describes is nearly spot on for the way that Casey makes him feel. 

“You uh…you don’t seem too happy with my answer.” 

Raph takes a deep breath. And decides maybe he needs to sit down for a second. He stumbles back into Donnie’s lab, and takes a seat on one of the stools. Donnie follows him, looking unsure. Raph runs a hand over his face, taking a big breath. 

“Are you…okay?” Donnie asks softly. 

Raph grunts. “‘M fine.” 

Donnie is quiet. And Raph tries to work up the courage to ask his next question. He’s not sure why he’s so afraid to say it. Maybe because he’s afraid Donnie will be smart enough to figure out who he’s referring to. And Raphael doesn’t want his brother to be mad at him for it, or make fun of him, or think it’s gross, or something.

Finally he takes a big breath. He gets started with the question, and then completely backs out for something else. “Donnie, have you ever…how do you know it’s attraction ?”

“…As opposed to what?”

Raph shrugs. “As opposed to…you just enjoying someone’s company. Or, just, caring about someone.” 

Donnie looks thoughtful for a moment. Like he’s actually considering it. He sighs after a second, and then drags over his chair to sit down.

“That’s a tricky question. I guess…I guess I’d say it’s when you more than admire their qualities. Like, caring about someone is when they feel important to you, and you don’t want anything bad to happen to them. But being attracted to them…I guess I’d say if you think they’re cute? I mean, I guess you can think a lot of things are cute but not be attracted to them. I guess I mean if…uh- well. I mean, the easiest way to know is if uh…they make you…feel things.”

Raph blinks at him. “What the shell is that supposed to mean?”

Donnie flushes, and looks down at his hands. “I mean like…like they make you flustered. Make your heart race. Make you feel kind of floaty. Or maybe even silly? Or like…you want to kiss them?” 

Raphael swallows.

That’s not something he’s considered yet, is kissing Casey Jones. And now he is thinking about it. And oh- oh fuck . 

Oh he is screwed . 

He shifts uncomfortably on his stool, biting down on his lip. Trying hard to not think about Casey’s breath across his face, or his lips against his. The warmth of his hands. Damn it . Damn it damn it damn it.

He runs a hand over his face, trying to take a deep breath.

He has a crush on Casey. He’s attracted to Casey. He wants to kiss him . He wants- he’s not sure what else he wants but he wants more than that, too. Damn it.  

Oh he’s in so much trouble.

“Hey, Raph, breathe, you’re okay-“ Donnie starts to say, but then Raph is blurting out the question that scares him the most in an attempt to get himself to stop thinking about kissing Casey Jones. 

“What if the person you’re attracted to is a guy?”

Donnie’s eyebrows shoot up, and he looks kind of shocked. And then Raph gets a terrible feeling in his chest, like he might just crumble up in a ball and die. And suddenly his eyes feel like they’re burning, like he might actually cry . Why does he feel so scared ? 

Donnie schools his shocked expression. “Raph…is this, you trying to tell me you’re gay?”

Raph quickly stands up from his stool. It nearly clatters to the floor. He just catches it before it falls. And the need to run is seizing up his chest. He takes one step towards the door, about to bolt, when Donnie reaches out and grabs him by the arm. The grip is strong enough that it kind of startles him, temporarily stealing his attention.

“Hey- wait- stop . I’m- Raph, it’s okay .” Donnie says, rusty brown eyes sincere. “That’s okay, if you like guys, Raph.” 

Raph feels like he might explode. It feels kind of hard to breathe right now. 

“I don’t- I never said I did.” He huffs.

Donnie’s hands go up in surrender. “Right! I mean- yes. You’re right. You didn’t. Sorry. Just- please sit. It’s okay.” 

Raph takes another shaky breath. He sits, and tries to control his breathing, conjuring up one of Splinters’ calming mantras in his head. And then Donnie is handing him a glass of water. He chugs it back, and then takes a big breath. 

He stares at the empty cup. And finally breaks the silence. “Have you…ever liked a guy?”

Donnie hums. “I don’t think I have felt that way about a guy, no. Not yet at least.”

Raph frowns. “Yet?”

Donnie shrugs. “Yeah, I don’t know. I mean, April is kind of the first real person I’ve had feelings for. I don’t really know who else, or what else, I might like. And that’s okay. You don’t have to know either, Raph.” 

Raph stares down at his knees. He brushes his thumb over the edge of his pads. 

“Raph.” Donnie says softly.

He grunts.

“It’s okay to not know. It’s okay to like whoever you like.”

“Then why haven’t I ever seen two guys together before? There's always guys and girls kissing on tv. You never see- see guys doing that.” He feels himself flush.

Donnie sighs. “Right. Well. Because people are homophobic. Traditionally, it’s always a man and a woman. That’s what our society, in this day and age, value. So you don’t see it on TV that much. But that doesn’t mean it’s bad, or wrong. Some people claim religions say it’s wrong. But there’s a lot of debate over that. And also, all kinds of people have been together throughout history. In Ancient Greece and Rome it was normal for men to have intimate relationships with each other. It happens with animals too. Penguins do it all the time. It’s completely natural.”

Raph has to admit that that does make him feel a little better. Not about the ‘homiephobe’ part, or whatever Donnie said, but the part about it being natural. That makes him feel…less weird.

And then he frowns. “Why do you know all of this?”

Donnie smiles and laughs lightly. “Raph. Do you know who you’re talking to? I’ve scoured just about every corner of the internet.”

Raph rolls his eyes. Right. Leave it to Donnie to know about stuff like this.

“Also, if it makes you feel any better, you’re not the first turtle to come to me asking these kinds of questions.” Donnie rolls his chair back over towards his desk, putting his goofy glasses back on and picking up a tool. 

Raph straightens up at that. “Wait- what? Who- who else?”

Donnie just smiles. “Not my place to say.”

Raph huffs. “Was it Mikey? Who was he asking about?” 

Donnie just grins and shakes his head. “My lips are sealed.” 

Raph grumbles. “You suck.”

Donnie just laughs. “Go to bed, bro.”

“ You go to bed. You’re the one who shouldn’t be staying up so late.” 

Donnie just waves his hand at him, looking unimpressed. 

Raph huffs, and decides to leave. He goes back to his bedroom, and plops down on his bed.

He lays awake for several hours mulling over what Donnie said. And trying to come to terms with the fact that, yeah , he does have a crush on Casey Jones.

- - - - -

The next time he sees Casey things are really awkward. And it’s all Raph’s fault.

Suddenly, with the knowledge that Raph has a crush on him, it’s like he’s forgotten how to function around him. When Casey talks Raph just kind of nods and laughs, unable to really find words. The few things he does manage to say are weird and clunky at best. His chest feels all warm and fuzzy and so very nervy , like he’s buzzing. It’s actually kind of exhausting, constantly feeling like he’s making a massive fool of himself. He also can’t stop staring at him.

“Dude, are you good ? You’re acting really weird today.” Casey says at one point, after they’ve landed on a rooftop.

Raph is flustered, fear spiking through him that he might get found out. “I- uh- w-what? No, I’m, this is normal. I’m- I’m so normal. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Casey just stares at him, blinking. And then he grabs Raph’s face, making Raph’s breath hitch. “Yeah, okay. Who are you and what did you do to Raphael?”

All Raph can do is laugh, high pitched and breathless, face feeling warm. He can’t help but glance at Casey’s mouth. And his brain unhelpfully conjures up the image of Casey pulling his face closer, like in the movies, and then capturing his lips. It makes Raph’s heart race, and he lets out a humiliating tiny wheeze at the thought. 

“Dude!” Casey says, pulling back to shove at his chest. 

Raph almost feels lightheaded at the thought of Casey’s hands staying on his chest. 

“Seriously, you’re kind of freaking me out. Should I like, call one of your brothers? Have you been possessed? Blink twice if you need help.” 

Raph makes sure not to blink. Instead he frowns. “S-sorry. Just- have a lot on my mind.” 

“Wow, an apology even.” Casey huffs. He reaches out, a palm pressing to his forehead. “Are you sick ?” 

Raph flounders, squawking. “N-no! I’m fine!”

“Dude you’re all flushed and hot.” 

“I’m hot?”

Casey snorts, and then he gets a smirk on his face that shouldn’t make Raph’s heart beat faster but it does . 

“Yeah, you’re very hot, handsome.” Casey winks at him, hand dropping from his head.

And holy shit , that makes Raph’s legs feel like marshmallows and his face like fire. Casey thinks he’s hot ? He thinks he’s handsome ? 

“Ohmygosh- you should see your face. You’re so red!” Casey laughs. 

Raph’s ego deflates. Clearly Casey is just joking. He probably doesn’t mean that. That makes Raph’s chest hurt in a way he wasn’t expecting.

“Okay, but seriously. What’s got your mind all in a tizzy. You’re acting like you inhaled laughing gas before we met up.” Casey says, turning to walk across the roof.

Raph clenches his teeth, automatically picking at his fingers. “I uh- don’t really wanna talk ‘bout it.” He mumbles, heart feeling jumpy in his chest. 

Casey turns back to look at him. He seems to pause for a second. And then he brushes it off. “Alright. Well, I wanna go kick some ass tonight. Think you can handle that?”

Raph nods, forcing himself to stop picking at his fingers. It’s a bad habit that he quashed when he was little, and now it seems to be back in full force.

“Then let’s go!”

Chapter Text

Raph gets better at managing his crush. The more he sees Casey the easier it is to not act like a brain-dead idiot. He still feels like an idiot, but it’s easier for him to speak and act normal. Casey doesn’t point it out any more, so Raph takes that as a good sign. He also comes to the realization that he’s always admired Casey like this. He’s always thought he was charming and good looking, in his weird grungy sort of way. It’s just…apparently taken Casey getting more touchy and feely with him in order for his brain to actually connect the dots. So he tries to use that knowledge to his advantage, that he used to be able to act normal around the guy.

All of that still flies out the window any time Casey does one of those touches that makes Raph’s brain go goo-goo bonkers. It’s hardest when he grabs at his shell, and does his tackle hugs and his excited bouncing. Raph tries not to let his mind wander in those moments, and just tries to take them as they are. Tries to act like it’s fine, and like it doesn’t make him feel hot under the metaphorical collar. Enjoys the contact, and smiles along, because it’s hard not to smile when Casey looks so happy.

But it’s also incredibly hard. The more he comes to terms with it all, the more he wishes he could just stop feeling like this. Or that he never made the connection, that he had just stayed stupid and oblivious. 

Suddenly Raph understands why Donnie gets so upset when he tells him he has no chance with April; that no human would want to be with them. Because that hurts , a lot . 

But it’s true. Raphael knows his actual chances with Casey are slim to none. He’d be lucky if Casey even likes guys. Even luckier for Casey to like him . A miracle if Casey actually wanted to be with him. Not to mention the whole April situation.

It’s also impractical. Raphael is a giant mutant turtle. He can’t just walk down the street, or go into a restaurant and order food and have a nice date night. He can’t meet Casey’s friends, or his family, or get to really know that part of his life. And quite frankly he doesn’t want those people a part of his life. Because Raphael’s life is dangerous, and nasty, and he can’t imagine the people Casey cares about getting hurt, just because Raph is an idiot. 

And so he tries really hard to squash his feelings down. He tries to shove them into a teeny tiny box that he can tuck away forever. Some days it’s really hard. Some days he can barely look at Casey, or stand to be around him. It makes his chest feel like it’s caving in. It makes his eyes burn and his throat feel swollen, like at any second he might start sobbing. Because the guy is something Raph will never ever have, regardless of how much he wants it. So it’s easier to avoid him. To call off their patrol, and not text him or call him for a few days. That way it doesn’t hurt so much, so he’s not just tempting himself with the impossible.

Other days he can’t shove the feelings inside of the box, and instead gives up on it entirely, and just goes with it. Other days he can’t imagine not having Casey there to hang off his shoulders, or laugh in his ear, or smile at him. Other days he can laugh and run and admire those pretty brown eyes, and those thin lips, and the way Casey’s body shifts as he skates across asphalt after a bad guy. Other days his heart feels full. And when Casey squeezes at his neck, or bonks their heads, it makes him smile until he’s pretty sure his face might split in half.

The other problem is now that Raph is overwhelmingly aware of all the ways that Casey is sending his turtle brain mixed messages, he starts noticing other stuff that makes his brain feel crazy. Like the fact that Casey likes to bob his head while he’s listening to music. It has nothing to do with Raph; Casey isn’t even touching him, or looking at him. But the head bobbing makes him feel winded. Or when Casey exaggerates his blinking, batting his eyelashes when he’s begging for something, those big brown puppy dog eyes pleading. 

And then there’s also the time that Raph makes a funny joke while Casey is mid-sip from a water bottle, and Casey spits the water directly at him, in the face, from laughing so hard. Completely unintentional. But it makes Raph’s turtle brain short circuit for a solid thirty seconds. Thankfully Casey interprets it as him being shocked at being spit on. 

It’s that same day that Casey also invites Raph to come to one of his hockey games. 

“…For real? Ya want me to- to come to one of your games?”

“Well, yeah! I mean, you’re my best friends. Of course I do. You guys can hide up in the rafters. No one will spot you up there, it’s pretty dark.”

And then Raph realizes that Casey means all of them- he and his brothers. It is not a special invitation. 

Raph gets selfish. He decides not to tell his brothers about the hockey game. He tells Casey some lame excuse about Donnie declining, and Leo not being interested, and Mikey being too busy or something. Casey seems more bummed than Raph would have liked. But it’s fine. This is just for Raph. Just a he and Casey thing. 

On game night, Raph manages to sneak into the rafters without being spotted. He finds a good spot, and settles in. He brought a hoodie to wear, but he’s still kind of cold. 

Despite all the padding, he immediately recognizes Casey. He snaps a photo of him from up above with his T-phone, and sends it. A few seconds later Casey is glancing upwards, and even waves a hand. Raph smiles, waving back even if Casey probably can’t see him.

And then one of Casey’s teammates cuffs him over the head, and Casey’s attention gets torn away to look at his coach. 

Ever since meeting Casey and being introduced to hockey, Raph will admit that the sport does seem really fun. He can see why Casey likes it. The energy is so high strung, and it’s so quick and exciting. Not to mention the fights . Casey did say that high school games are a little more strict on the fighting, but honestly Raph is okay with that. It just means this is one less place Raph has to worry about Casey getting majorly hurt. 

The game kicks off. Casey is in the starting line up. Raph watches him zoom across the ice. And it sounds crazy, but watching him, Raphael might actually call Casey graceful . He moves with a speed and confidence that Raph doesn’t really get to see when they’re running on rooftops late at night. He supposes it makes sense; Casey isn’t used to jumping between buildings- he’s used to gliding across ice. 

Raph loses track of the puck several times. His eyes are mostly on Casey. He feels anger and a defensiveness jump up his throat when Casey gets slammed into a wall. He nearly bolts up on his beam, but Casey just shoves the guy off and keeps going. And then he has the puck, and he’s weaving his way down the rink towards the goal. Raph is practically bouncing with excitement.

Casey whacks the puck into the goal from nearly the centerline. Raph almost falls off his beam in celebration, cheering louder than he should. But the roar of the crowd and the sound of the buzzer drowns him out. 

Casey punches the air, and one of his teammates collides straight into him, sending them both nearly sprawling. Casey grabbles onto him to keep his balance, and then he’s reaching out to grab the guy by the neck and bashes their helmets together. 

And suddenly Raph feels…not so good anymore. He watches Casey do the same thing with another teammate, before the puck is getting reset in the center and they’re starting over. But there’s suddenly a sinking feeling in Raph’s chest.

He thought…Raph isn’t sure what he thought. That maybe the headbutts and the neck grabs were just… their thing. Raph feels stupid for suddenly feeling jealous. That kind of behavior doesn’t mean anything to humans. It only means something to turtles . 

Raph tries to tell himself that it’s nothing. Even if it really doesn’t feel like nothing. 

The game goes on. Casey is eventually pulled off the ice and swapped out for another player. Raph is barely watching the game anymore. He’s more just watching how Casey interacts with his teammates. Casey shoots him a text.

Did u see that goal I made? From the centerline? That was crazy!

Raph snorts. And sends back ‘Ya I saw it. Couldnt see the puck frm up here .’

Casey responds with ‘Next time u should bring those old timey binoculars that ppl bring 2 the opera ’

Raph has no idea what he’s talking about, but it sounds funny. He’s in the middle of texting him back when he sees someone swipe at Casey’s phone from down below. Casey jumps up to try and grab it back from his teammate, but it gets dangled over his head. Raph can’t tell what’s being said, but the other teammates seem to be laughing from whatever the one holding the phone is saying. And Casey looks not so happy, with the way his shoulders seem to scrunch up towards his ears. Their coach snaps at them, and they all sit back down, Casey snatching his phone back. 

‘What was that? ’ Raph asks.

Casey doesn’t answer him. He’s clearly watching the game. Raph sighs, and sits back, leaning into the cross beam next to him. 

Casey clearly isn’t all that happy with how his team is performing. The other team has made three goals. Casey is pacing in front of the glass with another kid, #17. They seem to be complaining. And then one of Casey’s teammates, #23, gets a hold of the puck, and starts taking it across the rink. Casey jumps in excitement, and Raph winces when Casey’s hands clap down on 17’s shoulders. He continues to jump, using 17’s shoulders as leverage. And then 23 wacks the puck into the goal, and Casey yells in excitement, completely jumping up onto 17’s back. 

Raph feels sick. It’s the exact same thing Casey’s been doing to him. 

He shouldn’t feel jealous. He shouldn’t feel betrayed. It doesn’t mean anything to Casey. It doesn’t mean anything to the other kid. It’s not his and Casey’s thing . It’s not special. Raph isn’t special. 

Why does he keep convincing himself that he is, when he’s clearly not? Why is he continuing to give himself hope like this? He's only ever going to be disappointed and heart broken in the end. 

Casey’s teammate catches Casey’s legs, holding him up piggyback style, while Casey bangs on the glass, hooting and hollering. 

He has to look away. His throat suddenly feels all kinds of tight, and his eyes hot. He shouldn’t be upset by something like this. This is- it’s nothing . 

Except by the way Raph’s chest clenches, it’s clearly something . 

He grits his teeth, and suddenly he can’t stand it anymore. It doesn’t matter that Casey’s back on the ground now, or that he’s being shoved back out on the ice. All it takes is Raph watching Casey headbutt 23 and giving him a slap on the back, and that seems to be his last straw. He has to get out of there.

Raph makes his way out of the rafters and through a high window, and then out into the night. He shoots Casey a text last minute letting him know he had to head out. He makes the excuse that he got too cold. 

In reality it’s the opposite. Raphael is so unreasonably angry that he feels like he’s burning up. He makes it back to the lair in record time, storming in to throw a sucker punch to their punching bag. 

“Woah. Hey there bro.” Mikey says, looking up from the TV. “Where ya been?”

“Shut up.” Raph spins to hiss at him, huffing as he continues to abuse the punching bag. 

He wants to cry. He feels like crying. But he hates crying, so instead he tries to be more angry than he feels gut wrenched. So he lays into the punching bag like the thing personally spited him. 

He doesn’t know why he does this to himself. Why he’s even letting himself entertain the idea. He should have told Casey to stop a long time ago. So he wouldn’t be here. So he wouldn’t have realized he had a crush on his best friend. So he wouldn’t have to deal with the aftermath of not being liked back, or being scared of ruining the one solid friendship he has outside of his family. Or ruining the delicate balance that they have right now.

“Raphael.”

Seriously, why is Raph even trying ? It’s not like he’s ever going to have a chance. He can’t live a normal life. So he can’t date someone who has a normal life. It’s useless. 

“Raphael!” Leo barks, reaching out to grab his hands. 

Raph spins on him, growling. “ WHAT !”

Leo flinches back at the outburst. And then he schools his expression, becoming serious. “What’s wrong? Why are you acting like this?”

Raph shoves his brother off, ripping his hands out of his grip. He throws another solid punch at the bag, sending it swinging. “Mind your own fuckin’ business.” He growls. 

Mikey makes a shocked noise behind them. Leo grapples to hold him. Raph fights him, trying to yank away. 

“ Stop it !” Leo hisses.

“Back off !” Raph roars.

“Raphael!” Leo snaps, “ Stop it! You’re bleeding !”

That makes Raphael pause. Leo squeezes at his hand, and Raph realizes his brother is right. His knuckles are bruised and bloody. Apparently he was going harder at the bag than he thought he was. 

Leo squeezes at his wrist. “Raph, what is going on with you?” He looks genuinely concerned when Raphael chances a glance towards him.

Raph pulls himself free. His mouth opens to try and find an excuse. But then suddenly, as if out of nowhere, he’s crying. He lets out a choking sound, and the heat behind his eyes gets too much. 

“Oh- oh , Raph.” Leo falters for a second, and then he crushes him in a hug. 

Raph doesn’t have it in himself to fight him. Instead he leans into his brother’s hug, accepting the attention. And suddenly, with an ounce of the support he’s apparently been craving, he falls apart. The sinking feeling in his chest seems to shatter, and it hurts so much worse. He chokes on a sob, shaky hands reaching to grip at his brother’s shell.

Another set of arms wrap around him from the side, squeezing him into another plastron.

“Hey bro, it’s okay,” Mikey says softly, a hand rubbing at his shell.

This is embarrassing. It makes him feel worse. He hates crying, especially in front of others. It makes him feel weak and useless. But the hug also feels nice. The comfort feels good. And he can’t stop the tears. 

“What’s going on?” 

Leo’s head pops up off of Raph’s right shoulder. “Cuddle party.” Is all he says. 

And then a third pair of arms are wrapping around him. And he feels absolutely silly. But the pressure coming in from all sides feels really good. Almost enough to block out the shattering hole in his stomach that makes it hard to breathe. It makes it easier to wipe away his tears. 

Raph isn’t sure how long he stands in the middle of his brothers. But eventually Leo breaks away, and makes a comment about Donnie bandaging up Raph’s hands. And then Mikey is leading him towards the medbay. 

He sits down on a stool, and feels hollow and empty. Donnie doesn’t ask him any questions at first. Just sends Mikey to go retrieve something, or to start making dinner. And then it’s just the two of them.

“You want to talk about it?” Donnie asks softly as he wipes at Raph’s knuckles. 

Raph sniffles. “No.” 

Donnie nods slightly. It’s quiet again for several beats. 

“Does this have anything to do with you maybe having a crush on someone?”

Raph releases a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. He grits his teeth, and gives a quick singular nod. Donnie gives him a sympathetic smile that doesn’t make Raph feel any better.

“I’m sorry.” He blurts suddenly.

Donnie looks confused. “What for?”

Raph swallows, and then looks down at his lap. “For…for being so hard on you for liking April. I…I understand that’s…it was mean. It hurts.”

Donnie pauses. And then says, “It does, doesn’t it?”

Raph is afraid he’s mad. He’s compelled to apologize again, but then Donnie continues gently bandaging his hands.

“I know why you told me. It’s your way of trying to look out for me, to protect me from getting disappointed. But yeah, it does hurt. The truth usually does.”

Raph frowns. He stretches out his freshly bandaged hand. “I think…I hope I’m wrong. About April, I mean. I hope…I hope she does choose you.” 

Raph realizes he says it for several reasons. One, because he does care about his brother. And he would hate to see him hurt the way Raph is currently hurting. And Donnie deserves to be happy; Donnie is a good guy. April would make him happy.

But also, if April chose Donnie, that means…that means Raph might actually have a chance with Casey. Even if that’s ridiculous.

Donnie smiles up at him, a big smile. “Yeah. I hope so too.” And then he finishes up his other hand. “Take care of yourself, okay?”

Raph nods, and whispers a thank you. Donnie just pats his shoulder.

“You do know we’re all here for you. If you ever do want to talk about it. None of us will judge you.” 

Raph bites at his lip. He wants to believe Donnie. But the idea of talking about it, of admitting to any of them that he has a massive crush on Casey Jones, is terrifying.

He nods. And then Donnie sends him on his way, and he goes to his bedroom to sulk and try to forget how he’s embarrassed himself today.

- - - - -

Raph recognizes that Casey seems bummed about the hockey game. The next time they see each other for a patrol, conversation feels stilted. Casey isn’t as chatty. And Raph doesn’t know what to say to him either. He’s afraid he might say something damning. Something that will give himself away. 

Finally Casey says something, as they’re sitting in a tense silence on top of a factory. 

“Hey uh. Did I do something to piss you off?”

Raph frowns. “What?”

Casey huffs. “I dunno. I just feel like lately you’ve been really…back and forth with me. Like sometimes you look pissed at me, or you won’t answer my texts. And then a few days later you act like it’s all fine. And I know you said you were cold and that’s why you left my game early and I know that’s not something you can really help, but it uh…it still kind of sucked to look up and not see your shadow up there anymore. And I’m kind of mad at your brothers for not coming either. I thought maybe they cared a little more.” 

And then Raphael feels like an asshole . He scrambles for something to say. Trying desperately for an excuse. 

“I- I’m not- that’s not it. I’m not mad at you, you- you didn’t do anything wrong.”

Except for being adorable and perfect and everything I want, but completely unavailable. Except for all the things you do that drive me a little crazy. Except for the fact that I’m not special to you at all . 

Those aren’t things that Casey can help though. They aren’t really his fault. 

“Then what the hell is going on between us?” Casey huffs, turning towards him.

Raph’s mouth opens. And he can’t find words. Casey looks unimpressed. He glances back out at the street below them, a frown on his face.

“I’m mad at myself.” Raph blurts suddenly.

Casey looks back at him. “For…why?”

Raph clenches his teeth. And then he’s picking at his nails again, fidgeting with his fingers. He can’t seem to look at Casey. 

“It’s…I don’t really wanna talk about it.” He says. “But it’s…you don’t need to worry about it. I’m sorry it’s affecting you.”

Casey looks confused. “Dude, you’re my friend. Of course I’m going to worry.” 

That’s nice to hear, that Casey does care. But since when did the word ‘friend’ hurt so much?

“And- you know you can tell me anything, right? That’s what friends are for.” 

Raph smiles. He hopes it doesn’t read as a painful one. He really wishes that was the case; if only Casey knew. Raph is pretty sure the guy would quickly retract that statement if he were to tell him the truth.

“Thanks, Case.” 

“‘Course.” Casey gives him a smile, and then nudges him with his elbow.

Raph’s chest twinges painfully as he takes in that sweet face. His brown eyes are so kind and sincere. Raph has to force himself to look away before his mind starts wandering towards his lips. He stares down at his own feet, picking at his fingernails.

“And I’m sorry about leaving your game. I- I should have just sucked it up. It was a stupid for me to leave. And don’t be mad at my brothers. I uh…I lied. I didn’t…I didn’t tell them about your game.” Shame heats up his face.

Casey frowns. “What? Why?”

Raph shifts, swallowing. “I um. I dunno. I guess…I just wanted to pretend it was…just for me.” He cringes as he says it, his heart picking up speed out of nervousness. He hopes that isn’t too far. He hopes Casey doesn’t take that the wrong way. 

He’s scared to look back at Casey. But he chances a glance out of sheer curiosity. 

He doesn’t know how to read Casey’s expression. It almost looks like he’s about to smile. Casey looks out at the skyline.

“Just for you huh?” He repeats.

Raph’s stomach does an uncomfortable clench. 

“That’s kind of cute.” Casey giggles. And then he leans over to grab at the back of Raph’s neck to give a quick squeeze, followed by him draping his arm over his shoulders. It makes Raph’s insides flutter and his heart hurt. “No one told me you were the jealous type.” 

Raph sputters. “I- what- I- no-“

Casey just laughs. “It’s okay! It’s kind of cute. But next time, bring your brothers. Mkay?”

“N-next time?” Raph stutters.

“Well, yeah. Unless you don’t want to.”

Raph does want to. He wants to support Casey. He wants to see him doing what he loves to do. But he doesn’t want to see how Casey interacts with his teammates. He doesn’t want to feel like that again. He doesn’t need another reminder that their relationship is nothing.

He nods anyway. “Yeah, I- of course I wanna see ya play.”

Casey grins big and bright. And it makes Raph’s heart melt a little bit.

Chapter Text

Raphael grows so used to the painful back and forth switch, accepting the painful squeeze in his chest, and the nervousness that makes him feel constantly on edge, that he kind of forgets what it’s like to not always feel like this. He just ends up taking the days as they come, because that’s all he really can do.

He also gets so used to the way that Casey hangs off of him more and more, that he becomes kind of blinded to it. After seeing the way Casey is with his teammates, he kind of just assumes that’s how Casey is with everyone. It doesn’t really cross his mind that his brothers might find it weird.

They’re in the lair watching an NHL game. The Rangers and the Devils are tied in the last period with only two more minutes on the clock. Lundqvist blocks a last second hit from Hughes. Casey jumps off the couch with a yell when Chytil gets the puck and starts making his way down the rink. Raph stands up when White crashes into him. There’s a massive scramble for the puck, a full out brawl. Casey is yelling at the TV. Suddenly Panarin breaks away from the fray with the puck. There’s only 15 seconds left on the clock. He wacks it down the ice from the centerline. Casey screams. Brodeur fails to block the shot.

Casey jumps at least a foot in the air in victory, screeching at the top of his lungs. Raph immediately gets roped into his celebration. Casey grapples at the lip of his shell, and then suddenly he’s jumping his way up to sprawl across Raph’s carapace. It makes Raph stumble slightly, and Casey wraps his legs around his sides to keep himself from slipping down. He’s shouting in victory, punching the air and yelling. Raph automatically shifts to catch his legs to hold him and keep him from falling down. He yells and whoops too, glancing up at Casey from below, heart swooping in his chest. 

And then he realizes they are the only ones celebrating. He glances over at his brothers. And is met with three sets of dropped jaws and wide eyes. And they’re all looking at him.

He immediately lets go of Casey’s legs. Casey slips off his shell, but is relatively unphased. He’s still jumping up and down and celebrating. A hand slips to Raph’s neck, and Raph automatically braces himself for the headbutt that he’s met with. 

When he glances back at his brothers they’re in varying degrees of shock. Leo is looking at them sideways, eyes flickering between the two of them and elsewhere, as if he can’t decide if he should be looking at them or not. Donnie is pointedly looking anywhere but at them, eyes blinking rapidly as if he’s trying to clear his head of what he just saw. Mikey is unabashedly staring at them in horror.

Raph lets out a nervous chuckle. Casey throws both hands up in the air, yelling a “ fuck yeah! ”, and then finally looks at the rest of the boys. 

“Yo- dudes, what’s with the crazy faces? We won! The Rangers won!”

That seems to snap them back into focus. Donnie starts nodding, and Leo gives a half-hearted cheer. Mikey is still staring with his jaw on the floor. Casey rolls his eyes, and instead turns back towards Raph with an excited expression on his face, hands outstretched as he grabs at Raph’s cheeks. Raphael feels himself go beet red, suddenly overwhelmingly aware that this isn’t normal, like he’s grown used to.

Mikey lets out a guffaw, and Donnie coughs. Leo actually stands up, and makes some sort of excuse about needing to grab something from the kitchen. 

Raph grabs Casey’s wrists to pull him off, giggling nervously and hoping Casey really doesn’t pick up on the very sudden mood shift in the room. 

“Dudes! What’s wrong with you all? Since when are you all such Debbie-Downers?” Casey huffs, turning back towards the others.

Donnie coughs again, and then manages to say something. “Is that- uh- you twos- um- usual little- thing-“

“What?” Casey asks, head tilting in confusion in a way that shouldn’t be so adorable. 

Raph grits his teeth, and gives his brother an intense glare that he really hopes reads as “ I will decapitate you if you say anything ”. Donnie meets his eyes briefly, and then looks back at Casey.

“Uh- you’re uh- whole, um,”

Raph flicks his hand across his neck in a “ I’ll saw your head off if you don’t cut it out immediately ” kind of motion. 

“Does Raph usually give you piggyback rides?” Mikey pipes up, looking sickeningly innocent in the way he asks it, eyes all round and shit.

“Oh! Uh, I mean, not usually no.” Casey comes leaning back towards Raph, and Raph immediately switches from a death glare to a happy smile when Casey looks back at him. “I mean- he likes when I give him hugs, yeah. But we don’t usually do that. Heat of the moment kind of thing, ya know?” Casey says as he flops his arm across Raph’s shoulders.

Raph winces at the very poor choice of words. Donnie’s eyebrows shoot up. 

“Hugs?” Mikey asks.

“Yeah! Ya know, hugs?” Casey says, looking kind of confused as to why they are all so caught up on this. And then he goes as far as to demonstrate what he means. He slips around to get behind Raph, grabbing that top lip of his shell to yank him back into a hug. “Like this!”

Leo walks in right then, a glass of water tipped back to drink. He immediately spits it out, water going everywhere as he chokes. Mikey looks over at him in concern. 

Donnie just gives a startled “Uh-huh.”

Leo pounds a fist to his plastron, coughing as he tries to catch his breath. Casey lets Raph go. 

Raphael is pretty sure he might puke. 

Clearly this isn’t something Casey does to the other turtles. That makes Raph feel both better and also like a complete fool, because now they all know, and they also know that Raph hasn’t corrected Casey on the behavior yet, and if they tell him then Casey is about to find out Raph’s biggest secret and- oh god, when did it get so hard to breathe in here? 

“Dudes, what the hell. Why are you all being so weird about this?” Casey huffs. 

Donnie swallows, and when Raph looks at him, he feels dread fill his stomach. Donnie is looking between the two of them, and clearly connecting the dots, and Raph can’t stand to see his brother figure this out. 

“Uh- yeah!” Raph’s voice comes out higher and squeakier than he intends it to, “They’re all being so lame, we should, totally get out of here. Like right now .” Raph grabs Casey by the wrist and immediately starts dragging him towards the turnstiles. 

Casey scoffs. “Wait, my stuff-“

“Don’t need it! We’re just uh- going to get some fresh air!” Raph says, voice definitely a little too shrill to be considered normal.

Casey huffs and complains, but let’s Raph drag him along. They get half way down the abandoned subway tunnel when Casey finally pulls free.

“Bro! What the fuck was that?” 

Raph reluctantly turns around.

“Why the hell were they acting so weird? Since when do they have a problem with two guys touching ?” Casey complains, looking kind of disgusted, “Are they like, homophobic or something? I would have thought you guys were all cool with that stuff.”

Raph pauses. There’s that word again, the one that Donnie said all those weeks ago when he’d come to him to talk. 

“Home- homa- phobic?” He repeats.

Casey seems to pause his rant, brown eyes looking up at Raph in the dark. 

“Oh. Do you…do you guys not…know about that kind of stuff?” He says, the anger from before gone from his voice.

Raph’s stomach feels upset. He feels so put on the spot, and it’s uncomfortable. Hes pretty sure he’s sweating. His heart still feels really racy. “Uh- I- um…Donnie does, I think.” 

Casey shuffles. “Oh. I guess, that makes more sense then.” He’s quiet for a moment. And then asks a little quietly “Raph, do you uh, know what bisexual is?”

Raph shakes his head. And then remembers that Casey can’t see in the dark like he can. 

“No.” He says softly. 

Casey shuffles a little more, head hung as he scuffs his converse on the concrete. “Do you uh. Know what gay means?”

Raph takes a shaky breath. And he lies. “No.” 

Casey seems tense. Raph feels tense. 

“Gay is uh…when two guys like each other. In the same way that a girl and guy like each other.” 

Raph swallows roughly.

“Bisexual is when you like boys and girls.” 

Raph lets out a little “Ok.” 

“Do you…think that’s weird?”

Raph shakes his head again. And then lets out a clipped “No” when he realizes Casey is still waiting for an answer.

The tension in Casey’s shoulders seems to melt. And that makes Raph feel a little better. Only slightly. Because what if Casey has figured him out? What if this is it ?

“Do… you think it’s weird?” He finds himself asking. 

And then Casey surprises him. He starts laughing. Raph awkwardly laughs along, feeling like he’s majorly missing something.

“No, no I don’t, Raph.” Casey blindly reaches out, hand landing on his plastron. His pats at him, as if consoling him. “It’s totally normal, dude. Even penguins do it, ya know?”

Raph kind of sputters at that. Because that’s what Donnie said. And that feels like a weird coincidence.

“Right.” Raph squeaks.

“Yeah. So um. Anyways. Really weird that your brothers were so weirded out by us just touching or something.” Casey says. 

“Uh- y-yeah. I um. I don’t think- I don’t think that’s why they thought it was weird.” He flushes.

“No? Then- then what were they being so weird about-“

“Hey, are you hungry? I’m kind of hungry. Maybe we should go get pizza.” Raph clears his throat.

“You’re avoiding the question.” 

Raph just continues. “Yeah, pizza sounds pretty good. Let’s go topside.” 

Casey huffs in annoyance, grumbling as Raph grabs his wrist and drags him along.

When Raph comes back to the lair with Casey an hour or so later, the living room has been deserted. Casey grabs his things, and then Raph waves him goodbye, and Casey heads out.

When Raph turns around he nearly runs directly into Donnie. He jumps, a hand to his chest.

“Dude! What the hell!” 

Donnie looks unimpressed. “So the Casey situation.” He says. “That’s kind of interesting.”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” Raph grumbles, resorting to anger instead of letting himself get anxious. He shoves past him.

Donnie grabs him by the top lip of his shell and pulls him back. It makes Raph stumble, and he spins around to face him.

“What the fuck was that?” He growls.

“Oh, I don’t know. It seems you don’t mind people doing that.”

“Stop it. It’s- it doesn’t mean anything to him. Don’t make it weird.” 

“Oh no, no I think you’ve done that all by yourself. Why haven’t you told him? That’s- that’s weird, Raphael. You know that’s wrong. You should have told him to not do that.” 

“It’s not weird. That’s just- it’s just what Casey does, okay? He does it to everyone.”

Donnie scoffs and laughs, “Well he certainly doesn’t do it to the rest of us!” 

“I’m done with this conversation.” Raph growls, turning away to go to his room.

“Well I’m not!” Donnie follows, directly on his heels. “If you don’t tell him I will. It’s messed up.” 

“Don’t.” Raph hisses, spinning back around to shove a finger into Donnie’s face. “You wouldn’t dare .”

“Oh, but I would. Because he should know .”

“ Don’t .” Raph growls.

Donnie looks at him. Rusty brown eyes watching him. “You don’t want him to know because you don’t know what to tell him when he asks why you didn’t stop him sooner.” 

Raph flushes. “Shut up.”

“I’m right.” Donnie says. “You don’t know how to tell him that you like it .” 

Raph growls. “Shut the fuck up.” 

“Language. Leo’s been letting you get away with that too much lately.”

Raph shoves him. “Leave me alone , Don.” 

Donnie looks unphased. “I’m serious Raph. I don’t care what excuse you come up with, but you need to tell him to stop. It’s wrong.”

Raph really doesn’t want to argue about this anymore. He just wants to go to bed and not have to think about any of it. 

“Fine!” He says, throwing up his hands. 

“Fine? Fine as in what, you’ll tell him?”

“Fine! Yeah! Sure, whatever. I’m tired. I’m going to bed. Leave me alone.” 

“Raph…” Donnie gives him a look.

Raphael huffs. “What? What else do you want from me? You know all my secrets Donnie! What more do you want me to say?!”

Donnie suddenly looks empathetic. And Raph hates it. He doesn’t want pity. He wants to be left alone . 

“I just… I just need you to promise that you’ll actually tell him. Before Leo or Mikey say something and ruin it for you.” 

Raph sighs. He looks down at the floor. “I don’t…I don’t know what I’d tell him.”

Donnie is quiet for a moment. And then he places a hand on his shoulder. “I mean…maybe you could tell him it hurts, or something?”

Raph scoffs. “That it hurts ? For him to hug me?”

Donnie winces. “I mean…okay, maybe…maybe you tell him that there’s like. A pressure point in our shells and it’s…just really uncomfortable when he hugs you or grabs you like that?” 

Raph sighs. “Yeah, okay. Whatever.” 

Donnie pats him. “I’m sorry this is…difficult.” 

Raph just waves him off, pulling away with a grunt.

- - - - -

When Raph tells Casey a couple days later the conversation feels incredibly awkward. But that’s probably more Raph’s fault. Casey is completely fine.

“So…you’re telling me that hugging you hurts ?”

“I- well- I mean…okay, it doesn’t hurt but it just…I don’t know how to explain it. It feels…weird, on my shell. When you pull and press on it like that. It’s just a turtle thing, I dunno.” He lies. 

Casey seems to consider that. “Right. Okay. Why didn’t you say anything sooner then?”

Raph shrugs. “Uh- well. I dunno. It’s…I know it’s your way of just, showing support or whatever. And so I just kind of…ignored it, I guess.” He hopes that’s believable.

Casey doesn’t really look convinced by this at all. He just grunts. 

“And the uh- the other stuff. Like the- neck grabbing and the headbutting we should uh…probably don’t do that around anyone else. It’s uh- its also a turtle thing.” 

Now Casey looks confused. “What? What do you mean?” 

Raph clenches his teeth, trying to navigate his way through this. “It’s just- yeah. I dunno. Just makes the other guys uncomfortable. It’s a turtle thing.” 

Casey huffs. And Raph knows what he’s probably thinking; that Raph is just spewing bullshit. And he kind of is, but he’s also sort of speaking half-truths. It is a turtle thing. But Casey is probably just thinking his brothers are against two guys being physically affectionate, and that’s why they don’t want to see it. And at this point Raph doesn’t have a way of correcting him, because he doesn’t have a better excuse for him. 

Raph rubs at his elbow pad. “Can we talk about something else now?” 

Casey scoffs. “Yeah, whatever.”

Later that night is a movie night. April and Casey are invited to join in on the weekly tradition. Casey brings his own movie. Mikey and Donnie win the dice roll for the other movie, and they pick out Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and National Treasure .

As they’re settling in, Raph gets a shock when he sees Casey drape an arm over April’s shoulders. April seems to gladly lean into him. Raph feels an immense jealousy, and something that feels like betrayal, burn brightly inside of him. 

“Welcome to the club.” Donnie grumbles quietly to him as he passes by, hand digging into the bowl of popcorn that Raph is nearly about to spill. 

Mikey snaps him out of his funk when he bounces up to take the popcorn. “Come on bro! Movie time!” 

Raph begrudgingly takes a seat on the other couch. He tries not to sulk, or stare, or let steam come out of his ears. So instead he just feels hurt and pain in his chest. This is yet another moment where he should have expected this. He knows Casey has a crush on April. So this happening isn’t shocking at all. It just…really hurts. And Raph finds himself getting mad at April for letting it happen. 

But it’s also hard to be mad at April. Because, well, it’s April . So instead Raph gets mad at himself, for being mad about the whole situation.

He’s barely watching the movie Mikey picked. Mostly glaring at his feet, or over in Casey’s direction. Mikey seems to pick up on his foul mood, because suddenly he’s offering him his beanbag chair with a big grin. 

“I’m good.” Raph grumbles. 

“Awe come on bro! It’s the best seat in the house! Perk up a little bit.” Mikey says, slapping at his knee.

Raph huffs. And decides he probably should take the seat, that way he can’t stare at Casey anymore. And it is the best seat in the house. At any other time he would immediately jump at the opportunity. So he finally takes it. 

The problem with the new seat, however, is that he’s sitting right in front of April and Casey. And he can hear them whispering and giggling at each other. And it only makes the hurt and anger in his chest grow. Mikey keeps leaning over to throw funny and or stupid comments at him, and all Raph can muster are little grunts in response. 

Finally the movie ends. Raph quickly gets up, ready to make an excuse about being tired and wanting to go to bed. Splinter is already passed out in the recliner- or at least he’s pretending to be asleep. So it probably won’t be that unbelievable of an excuse. 

But then Casey pulls out his movie. And looks very disappointed when Raph starts relaying his excuse.

“You’re not gonna stay? I picked a good one! Come on bro.” 

Raph falters. And then succumbs to those big brown puppy dog eyes. He sighs, and agrees to stay for just one more movie. He pulls the beanbag farther away though, to sit closer to Mikey, who’s taking up most of the other couch.

Casey presses play, and the movie starts. They all settle in. It’s some action comedy movie. It seems fun, and Raph gets sucked into it at some points, but overall he’s not really paying attention. He's too busy side-eyeing Casey and April, and wishing he was the one that Casey was cuddled up with. 

And then suddenly there’s two guys on the screen. And then they’re kissing .

“ Oh .” Donnie says.

Raph feels hot in the cheeks. He's seen plenty of people kissing in movies and cartoons, but this…he’s never seen two guys kiss before. It almost makes him feel nervous , because why would Casey be showing them this? Did he figure Raph out? What if his other brothers don’t like this? What if that means they won’t like him ?

He chances a look at the others. Mikey looks fascinated. Leo looks confused. Donnie just looks mildly interested. And Casey…Casey looks just as nervous as Raph feels. 

“Are they gay ?” Mikey gasps. 

Casey lets out a snort, but before he can make some kind of snide remark Leo is asking “ What’s gay mean? ”

“It’s when a guy likes guys.” Mikey says. 

Leo looks confused. “Like, how I like you guys?”

“ No !” Donnie shakes his head, “Dude, they’re kissing . With tongue .” He points at the screen, where one guy is getting pinned to the wall by the other, fully making out. “They like each other romantically, or- or sexually .”

Leo’s eyebrows raise. “ Oh .” And then he looks confused again. “That’s…that’s a thing? I didn’t…realize you could do that.”

“You guys are missing the movie.” Casey says quietly, because things have quickly changed. There's suddenly smoke and gunfire, and the two characters are scrambling for safety.

“Right. Sorry.” Leo says, shifting to settle back into the couch next to Mikey.

The rest of the movie Raph can barely pay attention. He’s too busy trying to figure out why Casey would show them this. What this is supposed to mean. If it’s even meant to mean anything, or if Raph is just trying to see things where they don’t exist. Is he just showing it because he thinks the other guys are homaphobe or whatever, and he just wants to make a point or something? Or is he trying to secretly tell Raph something, that like, he’s figured him out? Why would Casey even know about a movie like this?

The more Raph thinks about it the more anxious he gets. He starts subconsciously picking at his nails, and not so subtly staring at Casey. Eventually Mikey pokes his shoulder.

“Hey, dude, you good?” He asks quietly.

“Oh- uh- yeah. I’m fine.” 

Mikey looks skeptical. But he leaves it at that. 

The movie finally ends, with one last kiss between the two main characters. Raph watches a little longer than he should. And then feels hot all over when his mind unhelpfully imagines that it’s him and Casey kissing. 

“That was a good movie Casey!” Mikey cheers, breaking Raph out of his imagination. 

Casey just smiles, and gets up off the couch to retrieve the CD. Raph stands up, deciding that he really should go to bed. Before he actually embarrasses himself. Or lets himself get more upset about his current situation. 

“I’m off to bed.” He announces. 

Casey meets his eyes, and it makes him feel all kinds of squirmy. 

“Come on Raph, it’s just one more movie.” Leo says. 

Raph shakes his head. He’s really not sure he can take any more of this, of watching Casey fawn over April as they cuddle on the couch. Of sitting in silence and pretending to enjoy a movie with his friends and family, while being teased with everything he can’t have. It’s exhausting trying to hold in his feelings. 

Casey shrugs. Raph kind of wishes he put up more of a fight. Because then at least he could pretend that maybe Casey does want him around. 

He heads to his bedroom, and feels all torn up inside. He stares up at his ceiling, the scene of two guys kissing flashing in his head. He can’t stop imagining it’s him and Casey. Of Casey’s hands on his cheeks, like they’ve been so many times before, but this time warm lips pressed to his. Hot breath against his mouth. Being pushed against a wall. Or maybe he’s the one pushing Casey into a wall- either way, Raph would be happy. 

It makes him feel sad. Because he knows it’s not something he’ll ever have. He knows this is useless, to even let himself think about it. It only makes him feel worse. That he’ll never have what Casey has with April. Casey will never want him like that. Raph is destined to fawn over a crooked smile and brown eyes and dark messy hair for the rest of his life. The sooner he accepts that, the easier it will be for him to move on. But his heart doesn’t want to move on. It doesn’t listen to logic. 

He doesn’t remember falling asleep. 

Chapter Text

There’s a weird shift between them that Raph starts to notice. Casey stops being so touchy with him. There’s no more hugs, or headbutts, or neck grabs. No more playful grabs at his cheeks, no more grabbing his wrist. No more sitting right next to him, their thighs pressed together. Even their conversations feel tight.

It hurts. Casey feels so distant. And Raph doesn’t know how to fix it. He feels like it’s his fault. It probably is. 

He wants to say something. But at the same time he’s scared to. If he asks, Casey might wonder why. And Raph doesn’t have a good answer. 

Another part of him fears that maybe Casey finally figured it out. That maybe Mikey or Leo told him about the whole ‘turtle thing’. And now he’s embarrassed, or mad, or weirded out by the fact that Raph didn’t stop him sooner. 

That worry plagues his mind more and more.

He glances over at him from the corner of his eye. Casey’s legs swing gently over the edge of the balcony. His mask is propped up on top of his head, black hair blowing into his face. The sun is just disappearing under the skyline, the sky a dark red. The fading light reflects off of Casey’s brown eyes, making them look gold. 

“Hey Raph.” He says, and Raph quickly looks away, realizing he was staring. 

He clears his throat, shifting. “Yeah?”

Casey drags his finger on the floor next to him, seeming nervous. “Can I tell you sumthin?”

Raph nods. “I- yeah, ‘course.”

Casey glances up at him briefly, and then looks away. “So um. You remember when we talked about people being gay and bisexual and stuff?”

Oh god. He’s figured it out. This is it. He’s about to tell Raph that he knows, and that he doesn’t like him like that. That maybe they shouldn’t be friends anymore- 

“I’m so sorry,” Raph blurts out.

Casey finally looks up at him. “W-what?”

“I’m sorry- I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable- or- or- it’s okay, if you hate me now. I get it- just- please tell me we can still be friends. I promise I’ll stop-“ the words just come tumbling out, his heart racing. 

“Raph, what are you talking about?” Casey cuts him off.

Raph pauses, looking at him. Casey looks beyond confused. 

“I- you- you figured me out?” He whispers.

Casey blinks, and then suddenly he’s smiling, and giggling. It makes Raph’s heart hiccup.

“Oh my god- wait- are you telling me you’re queer?”

Raph frowns. “Queer?”

“Yeah, like, part of the LGBT community, ya know?”

Raph remembers seeing that acronym when he was researching being gay. 

Oh. Oh . So Casey didn’t know. 

Raph feels himself go bright red. He wants to be swallowed up whole and just die. He feels humiliated. He just- he just told Casey way more than he was prepared to-

“Dude! Don’t look so shocked. It’s fine!” Casey laughs, and then he’s reaching out with a hand, the first intentional point of contact they’ve had in days. “This is actually hilarious. I was just about to tell you that I’m bisexual. You thought- hah !”

Wait- what ? Raph blinks. 

Casey’s…he’s…he likes boys ? 

Oh. This. This changes a lot. 

Raph is immediately soothed by the hope that flares brightly in his chest, while simultaneously cursing at it. He doesn’t need more hope. There’s still no way Casey would actually like him like that.

“You’re…bisexual?” Raph repeats.

“Yeah dude. I like girls and guys. Surprise!” Casey gives him a goofy grin. “This is so funny. I thought you had figured me out. And that’s why you’ve been all weird lately, and told me you wanted me to stop touching you and stuff. Because let’s be real- you and I both know those excuses you gave me were bullshit.”

Raph doesn’t really see how that’s funny. But he laughs along nervously. And feels maybe a little relieved, that Casey is so cool with this. But also concerned, because clearly he hasn’t been doing a good job lately at lying.

Then again, since when is lying something he wanted to be good at? 

He supposes ever since he started having secrets he needed to keep.

“Man. That’s so ironic. And you were just acting all funny because you thought I’d figured you out. Damn.” Casey lets out a breathy laugh. “Don’t worry dude, I’m cool with it.” And then he gives a ‘friendly’ squeeze to the back of Raph’s neck for emphasis.

Raph feels kind of frozen. He's not sure what to do with this situation. 

“So, how long have you known? Do you know how you identify yet or are ya still figurin’ it out?” Casey asks.

Raph stutters for an answer. “Ah- um- I- don’t really know.” Which is a shit answer.

Casey doesn’t seem to think so. “That’s fine! It took me a couple years to realize it. You’ll get there. Or you won’t, and that’s fine too. A lot of people are unlabeled.” 

Raph really doesn’t know how to feel. He’s conflicted and feels coiled like a spring, like he’ll explode at any second. But he also feels relieved. This is just one less thing he has to hide from Casey, and Casey is…so chill about it. 

Raph decides to try and give in to the easier of the two feelings. He sighs, and leans in towards him. Casey lets out a humpf, a big smile on his face. He rests his head on Raph’s shoulder.

“Man, this is such a relief. I was afraid maybe you actually weren’t okay with it or something. And that was kind of why you told me to stop with the whole touchy-feely stuff. That’s also kind of why I picked that movie the other day. Also to see what your brothers think. They seem…like they might be okay with it.”

Raph grunts. “I think Donnie and Mikey are cool with it.”  

“Yeah.” Casey agrees, “Leo seemed like he had no idea. But I’ve always kind of got the impression that he’s probably gay. Just doesn’t know it yet.”

Raph laughs. “Really?”

“Yeah man, gaydar is a real thing. Never would have suspected you tho. It’s a nice surprise.”

Okay, so maybe Raph’s done a better job at hiding it than he thought.

“Hey, now that we’re all cool and stuff again, you wanna go see if we can find the Purple Dragons? I’ve been itchy to whoop some dragon butt lately.” 

Raph snorts. “Sure.”

- - - - -

Suddenly he and Casey are spending way more time together. They’re hanging out almost every single day after Casey gets out of hockey practice. And they aren’t really even going on patrol, they’re just hanging out. Casey is as touchy as ever, practically always hanging off of Raph’s shoulders, or propping his feet up in Raph’s lap, or sometimes his head . 

The first time Casey places his head on Raph’s thigh, Raph feels hot all over. Casey closes his eyes and sighs, and then cracks open an eye to peak up at him, giving him a tiny smirk. 

And Raph feels like he’s swooning all over again.

Casey also starts playing with Raph’s fingers. Each time Raph starts picking at his nails, suddenly Casey is grabbing his hands, and smoothing his fingers over his palm and messing with how his knuckles bend, sometimes weaving their fingers together. 

And then they start happening together. Casey will prop his head in Raph’s lap, and play with Raph’s fingers as he chatters on and on about random things, like what happened at practice today, or something he learned in history class about the invention of cheese, or this crazy thing that happened to his friend Tom in fourth grade. 

And Raph knows he’s absolutely a goner. He’s so disgustingly down bad for this boy. His heart feels like it’s swelling out of his chest when he looks at him, so happy and content with Casey in his lap and fiddling with his fingers. He could listen to him talk for days and never grow bored. He could stare forever at those pretty brown eyes with those gorgeous eyelashes and the slight freckles on his nose and that crooked smile that shouldn’t be so charming with how many teeth are chipped or missing. 

At one point he gets carried away with his thoughts, and smooths his thumb over the scar that splits Casey’s right eyebrow. Casey pauses his story, eyes flickering up at him. And Raph’s breath gets caught in his throat. That was probably too much, too tender, too intimate of a touch. 

But then Casey just gives him this little smile that has his heart melting and his cheeks flaming. Casey grabs the thumb, and starts fiddling with it as he explains how he got the scar. 

Raph couldn’t be happier. In moments like those, he swears he could probably die happy. It’s the best he’ll get with Casey, and so he’ll take it. As much as he can. And he really hopes that these little moments, where Casey is more tender than Raph has ever seen him, are moments that are only reserved for him. That Casey isn’t with anyone else like this. He tells himself that’s the case, because otherwise it gets hard to breathe. 

But he knows it’s probably not the case. He knows Casey isn’t his, and he never will be. Casey can do as he pleases, with whoever he wants. And Raph can’t stop him. He shouldn’t stop him; Casey deserves to find someone that makes him happy. Someone he can go grocery shopping with, or go ice skating with, or walk down the street with during mid-day, or take on a normal dinner date. Raph will never be able to do those things. 

It’s a hard and painfully bitter truth to swallow. It always hits Raph as soon as Casey leaves to go home. And he sits on rooftops by himself in the dark, all alone like he always will be, trying desperately not to cry. He’s usually unsuccessful.

It’s painful. But in the moments where Casey is with him, lighting up his world, it makes the pain all worth it. Raph decides that it’s enough. If this is all he can have, then it’s enough. He can pretend it is. 

“Have you ever been in love?” Casey asks softly one night, staring up at the sky, trying to make out stars amongst the light pollution and smog. He's been particularly quiet today, something clearly on his mind. He has a fresh bruise on his cheek that made Raph’s heart jolt when he first saw it. Casey claims it was just an accident at practice.

The question hurts . It makes Raph gasp slightly, choking up in his throat. 

He doesn’t understand why Casey asks it. As if Raph knows enough people to have fallen in love before. As if most of his life hasn’t been stuck underground in a sewer with his brothers and father. As if he’s ever had the privilege to fall in love with someone.

But then his second realization hurts more. That maybe this feeling in his chest, the one he has for the guy who’s sprawled out next to him with his head leaned against Raph’s plastron, is love . 

Raph knows he loves his brothers. He knows he loves Splinter. He’s pretty sure his world would feel like it’s ending if anything bad ever happened to any of them. He’s not sure he could keep on living without them; they mean too much to him. 

The way he feels about Casey is similar. But also different, in a way that makes his heart constantly ache. He feels it with his whole body. Like at any moment he could lose him. Meanwhile the love he has for his family feels solid, immovable, a stable structure inside his heart that makes him feel whole. Casey makes his heart feel erratic, like it’s constantly threatening to take out the scaffolding and let everything crash down. 

He’s glad Casey can’t see his face. Because the tears that slip out of his eyes happen too quickly for Raph to stop them. He takes a thick shuddering breath.

“I’m sorry,” Casey says suddenly, as if it has just occurred to him the weight of the question he asked, “That- that’s probably- sorry.”

Raph doesn’t respond for a solid few breaths. And then finally, he says, “Maybe.” 

Casey takes a shuddering breath. “I think I have too.” 

That feels like a punch to the gut. Raph feels absolutely winded. Because he knows Casey isn’t talking about him. Casey will never mean him in this kind of situation. And it hurts. Another hot tear slips down his temple, and he tries not to suck in air. 

“Sometimes I wonder what my mother would think of me. If she knew the people I love.” Casey says softly. “I know how my dad feels. And I…sometimes I like to imagine she’d still accept me. That she’d be nicer than he is. That she’d still love me anyways.”

Oh . Raph feels winded in a different kind of way now, heart squeezing painfully.

Raph doesn’t know what it’s like to have a mother. But he can’t imagine the pain of losing someone like that. Especially if the other important person in your life doesn’t accept you for who you are. If the other person who raised you stopped loving you, just because they don’t like the people you love. 

He hasn’t told Splinter anything yet, and he really doesn’t know what his father would think. But he’d like to think Splinter might be okay with it. He’d have to be, if he has mutant turtles for sons, right?

He reaches to squeeze at Casey’s shoulder. Casey grabs and squeezes at his hand, sniffling.

“Sorry- didn’t mean to get so uh- serious there.” 

“‘S okay,” Raph whispers, his own voice sounding watery. He squeezes hard at Casey’s hand.

And then suddenly Casey hiccups over a sob, and he turns to hide his face against Raph’s stomach. Raph’s heart pangs, and he pushes himself up to sit. Casey pulls away, trying to apologize for crying. But Raph just grabs him by the shoulders and pulls him to crush him in a tight hug. There’s two seconds where Casey just freezes up, and then suddenly he falls apart. He shakes as he cries, arms wrapping around Raph and gripping hard. Hot tears and hot breath fall against Raph’s collarbone, and Raph just holds him close, trying not to cry himself. 

Casey pulls back slightly to wipe at his eyes when he finally calms down. 

“Sorry.” He mumbles.

“Don’t.” Raphael breathes, and he finds himself reaching to comb his fingers through Casey’s hair, pushing it out of his face.

Casey looks exhausted in the moonlight. And then he whispers, “Can I…can I stay at your place tonight?”

Raph’s heart skips, and he feels lost for words.

“My dad’s…kind of mad at me right now.” Casey whispers.

“Yeah, yeah of course.” Raph says.

Raph goes with him to swing by his apartment so he can grab clean clothes for school tomorrow, and then they slip into the sewer. Casey holds his hand tight as Raph leads him down the dark tunnels. They don’t really talk. Casey doesn’t seem in the mood.

“You can take my bed. I’ll sleep on the couch.” Raph offers as they reach the turnstiles.

Casey shakes his head, “No that’s-“

“Hey Casey!” Mikey greets, waving a hand.

Leo pauses his punching at the living room punching bag, turning around to see them. “Wow, that’s quite the shiner you got there Case.”

Casey looks down, stepping in closer to Raph. Raph is starting to get the impression that the bruise didn’t happen during practice. And that makes anger start to bubble up in his chest. He finds himself stepping protectively in front of Casey.  

“Casey’s spending the night here.” He says, short and clipped, and then drags Casey along towards his bedroom.

“ What ! I didn’t know we were allowed to have sleepovers!” Mikey complains.

Leo seems suspicious. “Why? Where is he gonna sleep?”

“My bed” Raph says, simultaneously as Casey says “The couch”.

Leo blinks, an eyebrow raising. His eyes flicker down at their hands, which Raph realizes are still clasped together. He’s half tempted to yank his hand away. But Casey doesn’t seem bothered by it at all, so why should he be?

“He’s sleeping in my bed, because he has school tomorrow and the rest of us are going to be up for at least four more hours.” Raph says, giving Casey a look that he hopes reads as ‘and that’s final’ . 

Casey just sighs. And then he pulls away from Raph and continues towards his bedroom. Raph feels a little hurt at the lost connection, and is about to follow after him, but Leo stops him.

“What’s going on with him? Is he okay?” Leo asks softly.

Raph shrugs. “He and his dad aren’t on good terms right now.” 

Leo blinks, and then just nods. Raph takes that as permission to leave. 

Casey is already in his room, sitting on the edge of his bed, when Raph walks in.

“I’m sorry.” Casey says, and Raph hates how un-Casey-like he seems in this moment.

“Why?” He says.

Casey shrugs. “I just- you don’t have to do this. I can go home. I’ll be fine. It’s not- it’s not anything I haven’t dealt with before.” 

Raph grits his teeth. He hates how little Casey looks. Like he’s sinking into himself, trying to seem as small as possible. The Casey Raphael knows is constantly trying to seem bigger than he is, he’s always filling a room, larger than life. This is such a drastic flip.

He reaches out, a finger tilting Casey’s face up. He gently brushes over the bruise on his cheek. 

“Who did this to you?” 

Casey’s brown eyes flicker away, and he tries to pull back. Raph doesn’t accept that. He steps in closer.

“Who did this Casey?” He tries not to growl, but it comes out anyway.

Casey doesn’t look at him as he says it. He’s fiddling with the threads of a hole in his ripped jeans. “My dad.” He mumbles.

Raph sees red, in that moment. The fury flashes so harshly in his chest. He grits his teeth, the growl that escapes him is low and deadly. He turns, pulling his sai from his belt. 

“Raph! Stop it!” Casey says.

Raph ignores him. He’s making his way down the hall, fully contemplating how he might go about completing this murder, when Casey is suddenly behind him, yanking at the top lip of his shell. It pulls him to a stop, and Casey gets in front of him to block his way.

“Raphael.” Casey growls. “ Don’t . This is exactly why I didn’t tell you. I don’t need you to fight my battles for me, okay? You beating up my dad is not going to help me at all. All you’d do is get yourself or me in trouble, and scare the shit out of my little sister.”

“Your little sister is with that monster?” He huffs.

Casey rolls his eyes. “ Stop it . She’s completely fine , okay? He wouldn’t hurt a hair on her precious head.” He sneers.

Raph frowns. He's still furious. He’s half tempted to go beat up the guy anyways. But Casey has a look on his face like he’d be pissed if he did. So Raph reluctantly follows Casey back to his bedroom. Casey closes the door behind them. Raph sheaths his sais. 

“Why?” Raph asks. He's afraid he already knows the answer.

Casey looks small again. But he also seems to be guarding the doorway, like he’s prepared for Raph to try and leave again.

“I told him I was bi last night. He didn’t take that so well.” Is all Casey says.

The fury in Raphael’s chest rages even higher than before. He growls, and turns to throw a punch at the punching bag he has in his room. The chains holding it up clank, and it swings and hits the wall. 

“I’ll kill him.” He hisses.

“I don’t want you to do that.” Casey says.

“Why are you defending him?” Raph whips around, pointing directly in his face. “He hurt you. He's supposed to protect you. That’s what fathers are for, Casey!”

“Yeah well, he’s never been so great, alright?” Casey shouts back, looking angry himself. “He’s just- he’s just stuck in the past, okay? He just- he needs time- or- or something-“ The more Casey talks the less sure he sounds. 

“That’s, that’s so shitty!” Raph huffs.

“Yeah well. He’s a pretty shitty dad. But he tries hard, okay? And he’s all I got.”

That makes Raph’s heart hurt even more. That Casey wants to believe his dad will accept him. But doesn’t actually know; can’t know. But he’s willing to try anyway. Because his dad is family. He’s all Casey has. 

It reminds Raph a lot of himself. And that makes him deflate. He can’t be mad at Casey for this. It’s not actually Casey that he’s mad at, so he shouldn’t be taking it out on him. 

Raph sighs, and turns around to sit down heavily on the edge of his bed. He puts his head in his hands.

“Maybe this was a mistake.” Casey whispers.

Raph looks up. “What?”

“I should- should probably just go home. I shouldn’t have put all of this on you-“

“Casey,” Raph frowns.

“He might be more pissed if I don’t come home.” Casey whispers, suddenly wringing his hands.

Raph stands up then, taking the two steps it takes to reach him. He grabs his hands. “Don’t. Please don’t go. I- I don’t want you to leave. I can’t- you can’t go back there.” 

Casey almost looks amused. He offers a small smile. “Raph, I have to go home eventually. I can’t stay here forever.”

“Yeah you could. April did.”

Casey shakes his head. “April’s dad was abducted by aliens. Mine is out there sitting on his couch getting drunk or something.” 

Raph frowns. He reaches out to touch Casey’s face. Casey flinches slightly, and then seems to look embarrassed. Raph pulls his hand away, swallowing. He keeps forgetting that he probably shouldn’t touch him like that.

“Just…at least stay tonight?” He begs.

Casey takes a deep breath. And then he nods. “Okay.” 

Raph feels himself relax. Thank god . 

And then Raph seems to realize how messy his room is. He flushes, reaching to pick up an empty pizza box. 

“Dude, you’re fine. My room is worse, I promise.” Casey chuckles, flopping down on his bed.

“Do you- do you want a new blanket or pillow? I can change the sheets or-“ Raph starts to ramble.

Casey shakes his head. “Nah. I’m good. Sheets smell like you.”

Oh. That makes Raph’s chest tighten up. Does that…does Casey like the way he smells?

Casey seems to blush, and gives a light chuckle, but brushes it off pretty quickly. He yawns. “Now get outta here. I’m tired. Past my bedtime.” He says.

Raph flushes, suddenly realizing what he’s just done: offered his crush the opportunity to sleep in his bed. In fact, he insisted . And now his sheets are probably going to smell like Casey. 

Oh Lordy . What has he done ?

Raph nods, and quickly leaves, scrambling out the door.

- - - - -

“Dude, these churros are sooo good.” Mikey purrs, nearly leaning off the billboard he’s balanced on.

“I know right?” Casey grins, “What a find.” 

“And only a dollar each!” Donnie says, “That’s a steal!”

Raph just manages to swipe his churro away before Mikey steals it. Mikey grumbles. Raph leans back into Casey, who just laughs at Mikey’s failed robbery.

“Wait- guys- do you hear that?” Leo says, leaning over the edge of the building they’re perched on.

They all go quiet. Raph listens. And then internally groans when he recognizes the voice.

“ Tigerclaw .” He huffs.

Casey bounces up, “Let’s go kick some butt, boys.” And then practically jumps off the side of the building, sliding down an escape ladder.

“Wh- wait !” Leo squeaks, “We need a plan- or- ug .” 

Mikey and Donnie have already swung down. Raph steals the leftover churros, downing them quickly. He looks over at Leo.

“Awaiting your orders, fearless leader.” He salutes.

Leo glares at him, looking completely unimpressed. “Really Raph? Now is when you decide to listen to me?”

“What do you mean? I’m always listening to you.” 

Leo laughs, and just jumps down to follow after the others. Raph leans over the side of the building.

“I’m still waiting on orders!” He shouts.

“Get your green butt down here!” Leo yells before he ducks to avoid a swipe from Rahzar. “That’s an order!” He tacks on, katanas swinging.

Raph rolls his eyes and grins. He jumps off the roof, yanking out his sais. He lands on top of the white van parked in the middle of the alley with a bang. The sound startles Fishface, and Donnie manages to land a good hit while he’s distracted.

“ GOOOONGALA !” Casey vaults off a nearby dumpster, hockey stick posed high above his head as he comes down on Tigerclaw. 

Mikey distracts the tiger long enough for Casey to make a successful hit on the crown of Tigerclaw's head. Raph jumps off the roof of the van, narrowly missing a large swipe from Rahzar. With Casey and Mikey stealing Tigerclaw’s attention, Raph manages to stab one of his sais into the tiger’s shoulder on his way down to the ground. Tigerclaw lets out a massive roar.

The fight after that is quick and dirty. Raph hadn’t really meant to seriously injure anyone, but if anyone deserves it, it’s Shredder’s main henchmen. As it turns out, the three weren’t up to anything fishy at all, and were actually just out getting groceries. Or, what looks like groceries. It’s always best to be skeptical when it comes to the Foot. For all Raph knows, that head of broccoli might actually be a well disguised grenade. 

Raph is still a little thrown off by the easy victory. Usually their fights with the foot don’t end so quickly. Usually they’re the ones fleeing at the end, an injured turtle in tow.

“Hell yeah!” Casey cheers as the three henchmen race off in the dented white van, in full retreat. “Let’s go Raph!” 

Raph smiles, and is about to turn around to look at him, when suddenly hands are grabbing at the top lip of his shell, and Casey is jumping up to sprawl across his back, crawling his way up his shell to hoot and hollering with a fist in the air.

Raph freezes, mostly in shock. Casey hasn’t tried the attempted piggy back in a while. He’s done the shell pulling, and the hugs, a few times since they talked about it. But never in front of the others; that was a boundary he seemed to understand. 

The others all flinch, and then Leo looks stern. 

“Casey! Get down !” Leo orders.

Casey’s celebration quickly ends. He huffs, and then slides down off Raph’s shell. Raph immediately has a bad feeling about this. 

“Why did you do that?” Leo asks, a frown on his face.

“What do you mean? Am I not allowed to celebrate the fact that we all just kicked major ass? Do you have a problem with me touching Raph or something?” Casey makes a display of wiggling his fingers in front of Raph’s face, as if he’s teasing them about touching him. He sticks his tongue out at Leo, blowing a raspberry.

It’s really not helping the situation.

Leo quickly bats his hands away, scowling now. “I thought Raphael explained this to you already.” 

Oh no. 

Casey looks angry. “Yeah, he said you guys didn’t like it. And I think that’s stupid . What’s wrong with this?” Casey grabs at Raph’s arm, slinging it over his shoulders. “Are you guys like, jealous or something? Is that it? Or are you super insecure? You can’t handle seeing two guys touching? Is it not manly enough for you?”

Leo’s jaw clenches. “ No .” He crosses his arms. “Raphael, are you going to actually explain to him why he shouldn’t touch you like that? Or am I going to have to explain it myself?”

Raph’s mouth pops open. Suddenly everyone is staring at him. And he doesn’t have an excuse. He realizes that regardless of what happens here, the truth is going to come out. He can try to drag Casey away, but that won’t work either. That will only make Casey wonder what the hell is actually going on.

“It’s…it’s a…turtle thing.” He says weakly.

Casey scoffs. “Ug. That excuse? Again? ‘It’s a turtle thing’ , yeah okay what-ever . I think we all know that’s bullshit.”

Leo is pinching at his snout, between his eyes. Like he has an oncoming headache. “Casey, it is a turtle thing.” 

“Uh- Leo-“ Donnie says faintly, eyes flickering up at Raph. 

But Leo continues. “It’s courtship behavior, Casey.” And Raph feels dread lace his stomach like thorns. “The neck grabbing, the head butting, the hands touching the face thing- that’s all turtle courtship behavior. And the grabbing and jumping onto his shell is mating behavior. You’re essentially telling Raph you want to be with him. Or, that you’d like to have sex.”

Raph half expects the world around him to explode when Leo drops that bomb. But instead it’s eerily silent. And Raph feels like puking. He’s pretty sure all the blood has just drained out of his body.

Casey suddenly yanks away from him, turning around to fix him with a horrified look. 

“Oh- oh my god.” He covers his mouth, “ Oh . Holy shit- ew! Oh my god!” 

The ‘ew’ is entirely unnecessary. And also, really fucking hurts . 

This is the exact thing Raph wanted to avoid. He knew Casey would never want him. But it was better living life just knowing, than actually getting full confirmation. He had at least a little hope before. He could pretend . 

This hurts so much worse. Like enough that Raph might just cry on the spot. It feels like he was just gutted. 

“What- oh my god . Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner!” Casey shouts, hands drawn to his chest. 

Raph blinks, desperately trying to fight back tears. His mouth pops open, and he can’t get sound to come out. Everyone is staring at him. His heart is racing. He feels sick. 

“I didn’t…I didn’t want to embarrass you.” He says. Which isn’t even a complete lie. It’s dipped in a little bit of truth.

Casey scoffs. “So you just- you just let me feel you up? Because you were too embarrassed to tell me? What the hell! That’s bullshit!”

“I-“

“Casey, I think maybe we should all take a second to just breathe, and stop talking-“ Donnie says, hands up in surrender. 

“No!” Casey points an accusing finger towards Raphael. “You just- for months, you just, let that happen ? Let me, get all over you? What the fuck ! That’s so fucked up!” 

Raph’s breath catches painfully in his throat. He’s pretty sure his hands are shaking. He starts picking at his nails, his chest feeling impossibly tight. 

“I- I’m- sorry, I-“ 

“Why the hell would you do that ?” Casey looks upset, and Raph feels so disgusted with himself. “ Why ?”

And something finally just snaps. Under so much pressure, words just start tumbling out. And he only has one excuse left, and that’s the truth. 

“Because I like it!” He shouts, and suddenly the tears let loose. “Because I like you !”

His admission is faced with complete silence. Leo looks shocked. Mikey cringes, expression filled with pity. And Casey…Raph doesn’t even know where to start with that. Something like remaining anger that gives way to a subtle kind of shock and surprise.

“Aaaaand there it is.” Donnie takes a big breath and sighs, hands slapping down on his legs. “So uh, is anybody else still hungry? I think I saw that the churro stand had burritos. That sounds kind of good.” 

“You…like me?” Casey repeats, entirely ignoring Donnie.

Raph glances away, quickly wiping at his own tears. There’s been a lot of moments in his life where he wishes he could shrivel up like a raisin and be tossed down an eight foot hole to be buried with dirt. Especially the past few months. This is just yet another one of those times where he wishes he didn’t exist, just so he doesn’t have to face the sheer humiliation of this moment.

He wishes he could deny it. That he could take it back. All he can do is stand there, and not give Casey any indication that he’s heard him. 

“Oh.” Casey whispers, and then takes in a big breath. 

And Raph realizes he can’t stand to be there anymore. He can’t stand to watch Casey try to let him down slowly, in front of his family. He can’t stand to hear the rejection. And if he stays any longer he’s going to make a bigger fool of himself, by either falling apart into tears, or puking up all those churros. 

So instead he turns and runs, like the absolute coward that he is. 

“Raph!” Mikey calls out, but he doesn’t even bother looking back. 

Chapter Text

“Hey Raph…are you gonna come out of there?” Mikey calls from the other side of the door.

He just grunts, face shoved into a pillow.

“Raph it’s been three whole days. Your body needs fresh air and sunlight.” Donnie calls in. “I promise it will make you feel better.”

“And food!” Mikey tags on, “Leo went to Murakami’s and got pizza gyōza for you! I promise I haven’t touched it at all.” 

Raph grumbles, shifting on his bed. He really doesn’t want to face any of them. The world just feels too big and scary and painful and humiliating. Any time he steps outside it seems he just screws everything up.

He’s decided that he’s just going to go into brumation early this year. By sheer force of will. 

His brothers are whispering outside his door. And then they finally leave. Raph thinks he’s successfully waited them out. 

And then there’s a different knock at the door. 

“Son.” 

He groans. “Go away sensei.” 

“I will not. Let me in.”

Splinter is literally the last person he wants to see right now. Well, okay, maybe not the last person, but he’s pretty far down on the list.

“ Raphael .” He says sternly.

Raph groans, and rolls over onto his back. He yawns, and wipes at his face and eyes. He slowly sits up. His room is a mess from him holing up in here for days on end, only leaving for the bathroom and to sneak food and water from the kitchen. He has to sidestep several piles of junk. He rubs at his face as he undoes the lock on his door. He opens it. 

“Hello, Raphael.” Splinter says. 

The formality is already too much. He just turns around, and plops down on his bed, yanking the blankets up over his head. 

Can’t anyone just let him die from heartbreak and humiliation in peace?

The mattress dips next to his back, and he knows Splinter has joined him on the bed. 

“I have been told you are having relationship troubles.” Splinter says softly.

Raph scoffs. ‘Relationship troubles’ is a pretty strong word for it, considering there wasn’t ever a relationship. 

“Would you like advice, my son?”

“No.” He grumbles from under the covers.

Splinter lets out a soft snort. A hand pats him on the shoulder through his comforter. 

“I will offer it anyway.” Splinter hums, “Sometimes we are met with defeat. But we cannot let our losses define us.”

Of course, with the metaphors and analogies and bullshit that Raph doesn’t have the mental capacity to even begin to try and understand. He sighs. 

Splinter is quiet for a while. He brushes softly at Raph’s shoulder through the blanket, hand moving down to rub gently at his shell. It makes Raph feel sleepy, reminded of when he was still a little turtle, and his father would rub their backs and read them bedtime stories. Back then they all slept together in a cuddle pile. It’s moments like this, where Raph feels weak and vulnerable, that he kind of wishes they still did that. The weight of his brothers piled on top of him always felt kind of nice. A lot like a weighted blanket. 

“There has been a certain boy over asking for you.” Splinter says softly. 

That makes Raph’s heart lurch. Momentarily it gives him hope, and then he remembers reality, and knows that anything Casey has to say won’t be good for him. 

He wants to live in denial a little longer.

Casey started blowing up his phone yesterday. He can’t bare to hear what he had to say. So he blocked his number. Apparently Casey has resorted to more drastic measures.

“Did you tell him to go away?” He grunts.

Splinter hums a warm sound, like he’s smiling. “You found someone just as stubborn as you. He is very fitting.” 

Raphael groans. And then feels kind of relieved, because Splinter’s statement seems to imply that he approves of his crush, and is also okay with Raph apparently liking boys. 

“You…you aren’t mad, or anything?” Raph mumbles.

Splinter shifts. “No. You are my sons. I will support whatever makes you happy, as long as it does not harm you or others.”

He really doesn’t want to cry in front of his father, but suddenly he is. The relief he feels is greater than he was expecting. He hadn’t realized this was something he was so nervous about. Maybe after learning about how Casey’s dad reacted, it made him more nervous about what his own father would think? 

Splinter rubs his shell some more. “I will be honest with you, however. In traditional Japanese society, things like this are greatly frowned upon. When I was younger, I was taught it was wrong, and taboo. For a long time I held hatred for those who did not conform. But when I got older, I made a great friend and valuable ally who helped teach me that love should not be limited. I tell you this, because I am still learning, Raphael. And you may need to teach me.”

Raphael frowns. The idea of teaching his sensei sounds so backwards. But a part of him feels warm at the idea, even more so that his father is willing to learn and become more accepting, just for him. And he’s grateful his father had a friend that brought him around to the idea; he would hate to be in Casey’s shoes. 

“Thank you.” He whispers. 

Splinter pats at his shell. “Of course.”

And Raph tries not to cry again. But it happens anyway. And suddenly he desperately wants a hug. 

He pulls back his covers to peek out. His father’s whiskers twitch, and then amber eyes land on him. He gives him a sympathetic smile, and then Raph is launching his way up to wrap him in a hug. Splinter lets out a small surprised ‘oof’ , but then hugs him back tightly. Raph quickly falls apart, a cry shaking his shoulders. Splinter just squeezes him tight, rubs at his shell, and lets him cry. 

“I don’t- know why I let myself like him.” He squeaks. “He’d never want me.” 

Splinter shakes his head. “We cannot help our hearts, my son. And I believe you do not give yourself enough credit. You are not undesirable.”

“I am literally an ugly green monster.” He chokes out.

Splinter pulls away then, hands coming out grab his face, forcing him to meet his eyes. He looks stern. “Do not say that. Love is about more than how someone looks, it’s about who they are inside.” Splinter pokes a claw at his plastron, right over his heart. “And you are good inside.” 

He huffs. He doesn’t really want to have this conversation with his father. But hearing Splinter trying to reassure him does help, even if Raph doesn’t entirely believe him. It’s good to know he has support. That his father doesn’t see him as the monster he feels like he is. 

He wipes at his face, sniffling to try and stop his tears. Splinter pats at his shoulder. 

“No more self-deprecating talk.” He orders, “Now get out of this bed or I will force you out. Moping about will not make you feel any better. Up!”

Raph grumbles, rolling his eyes. Splinter gets off the bed, and glances back at him, waiting. Raph reluctantly slips out of his bed.

“Your brothers have been worried about you. Leo got you food. It would do you good to eat.” 

Raph doesn’t say anything. Just trudges out of his room, following his dad to the kitchen. 

- - - - -

The next couple days Raph manages to stop sulking in his bedroom so much. His brothers have to drag him out of bed a few times, but he eventually tries to get moving and pretending like everything is fine.

Thankfully, none of them bring it up. And Raph really doesn’t want to talk about it. So he’s grateful. They all just keep going on, as if nothing happened. It’s still definitely a big elephant in the room, but Raph finds it’s easier to ignore than the anxiety he feels when he so much as thinks about discussing it.

Mikey is the one who breaks first.

“So. Dude. When did you figure out you liked boys?” He’s laying on his shell, hands behind his head as he stares up at Raph.

Raph rolls his eyes, pausing his sharpening of his sai. “I’m not talking about this with you.” He grumbles.

Mikey scoffs, rolling onto his belly. “Why not? I wanna talk about it.”

“Well I don’t.”

Mikey frowns. And then he looks at the tatami mat below them, scratching at wood with a finger. Raph continues sharpening his sai.

“Well. You know the guy we get pizza from?”

“There’s a certain guy? I thought we just snuck them from any delivery person.” 

“Yeah, well, I mean, we do that too. But there’s a guy I met a few months ago. And he’s pretty chill. He gives me free pizza. So, the pizza guy.” Mikey starts tracing the patterns in the tatami mat. “His name is Woody. I think he’s…kind of cute.” 

Raph accidentally grazes his finger on the whetstone, and he curses. 

Mikey’s admission isn’t entirely surprising. It was pretty clear that Mikey was the one who went to Donnie with questions before Raph did, given the fact that he knew the terminology. But Raph still wasn’t prepared for this. 

It makes him feel both better and worse. Better, because clearly he’s not the only one who has these kinds of feelings; he’s not alone. And worse, because it makes him think of his own crush. The one that will never work out. And he doesn’t want Mikey to have to go through the same torture he’s been through.

“I don’t want to talk about crushes Mikey.” He grumbles, inspecting the skin on his finger. 

Mikey huffs. “Well who else am I supposed to gossip about boys with! It’s not like Leo or Donnie get it.”

And then Raph feels bad. He sighs. “I didn’t- I didn’t mean it like that, Mike. I just…it’s hard to think about right now.”

Mikey frowns. “I don’t understand you. You act like he turned you down or something, but you didn’t even give him time to say anything. And he’s been bothering the rest of us asking about you-“

“ Stop !” Raph shouts, a little too loud. 

Mikey jumps slightly. Raph tries to take a big breath. 

“I- I said I don’t want to talk about it, okay?”

“Well maybe you should.” Mikey is being stubborn.

Raph is trying real hard to resist the temptation to punch him in the face.

“All I’m saying is, you should at least hear the guy out.”

Raph grits his teeth. “No. I don’t- I don’t need or want to hear him out, okay? I don’t need to hear him tell me that he doesn’t like me back, okay? It’s just- easier this way.” He mumbles the last part, eyebrows furrowed as he looks down at his sais.

Mikey frowns. “What makes you think he doesn’t like you back?” 

Raph is so done with him. He looks at him, motioning towards himself, a defiantly incredulous expression on his face.

Mikey’s frown deepens. He shifts to sit up. “Raph, that’s…you can’t think that way. You’re a good looking guy-“

“We’re monsters , Mikey!” He spits with a little too much venom in his voice than he should allow. But he’s upset, and angry that Mikey keeps pushing this. “We’re mutant turtle people. We’re freaks of nature, okay? No one is ever going to want us. There’s no god damn way Casey likes me back! So just- stop it! I don’t want to talk about it!”

He doesn’t need Mikey giving him any hope. Having his hopes crushed isn’t something he can handle right now. Not over something like this. 

Mikey’s mouth pops open, and his eyes get all wide soft and watery. Like he might cry. And then Raphael feels like an absolute asshole. 

His brother just came out to him. Just told him something important. That he has a crush on this guy. And Raph’s response was to shut him down, and essentially crush all his hopes and dreams. 

“Raph?” A hesitant voice says behind him.

Raphael freezes up, fear spiking through his stomach. Mikey glances behind him, blinking and swallowing. 

“Oh. Hey Casey.” Mikey says weakly. 

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck . What the hell is Casey doing here? 

“Uh- hey Mikey. Um. Raph? Can we uh, talk?” 

Raph immediately searches for an exit. A way to escape. There’s really only one way in and out of the dojo. 

He can’t look at him. He’s afraid of what he might see there, if he glances at his face. So instead he keeps his eyes on the floor as he quickly bolts out of the dojo doors and past Casey, heart hammering in his chest. 

“Raph- wait!” Casey calls after him.

Raph runs. He sprints towards his bedroom at breakneck speed. He can hear Casey behind him. He yanks open his bedroom door and then slams it closed behind him, leaning up against the door as his heart races.

“Oh- come on Raph, seriously?” Casey huffs from the other side.

The handle jiggles, and he quickly flicks the lock, jumping away from the door. Casey knocks at first, begging him to come out. Raph grabs at his head, trying to catch his breath. 

And then Casey starts pounding on the door. “Raphael! Come on! Just- let me in! I just want to talk !” 

He doesn’t want to know what Casey has to say. He knows it's not going to be good. He doesn’t want to be hurt even more. He stares at the door, hands shaking.

“Seriously Raph? You’re really gonna do this? You’re going to lock me out and keep ignoring me? That’s so- childish!” Casey slams a hand on the door.

Raph starts pacing. He tries clapping his hands over his ears. That doesn’t really work. 

“Fine! If you’re gonna make us do it this way, fine!”

He eyes his drum set. And then he quickly sits down and picks up his sticks to start playing. Casey yells some kind of complaint at the noise, but Raph just plays even louder to avoid him. 

He plays until he’s pretty sure Casey is gone. He plays until his heart stops racing so hard. He’s not sure how much time has passed when he finally sets the sticks down. He’s met with silence. He takes a big shaky breath, shoulders falling. 

Even still, he stays in his room. His room is safe. Casey doesn’t exist here. Here Raph can go through all the things he wishes he’d done differently in his life, in peace.

Donnie eventually texts him, telling him that Casey is gone, and that he can come out of hiding. Raph argues that he isn’t hiding. They both know he’s lying.

He stays in his room for another hour, as if to prove a point. And also so he can try and figure out how he’s going to apologize to Mikey.

- - - - -

Three days later Leo drags Raph out for a patrol, just the two of them. Raph can’t help but notice that his brother is acting kind of strange, and he’s definitely up to something. Raph just can’t quite figure out what it is yet. He's also got one of Mikey's nunchucks on his belt, which isn't super weird, but still pretty weird.

Leo pulls them to a stop on a rooftop that Raph and Casey used to frequent on their own patrols. It makes Raph feel sad and uneasy. He wants to leave, but Leo sits down and stares out at the skyline, like he has every intention of staying put. 

“Sit.” He says, patting the ground next to him.

Raph looks at him skeptically. “Why?”

“I just want to talk.” Leo says.

Talk. Leo wants to talk . Right. As if the two of them have the kind of relationship where they sit down and just talk . They never just talk . It’s always playing video games, or sparring, or reading comic books. They’re always doing something else. Never just talking . Because otherwise they usually end up fighting. 

“Bullshit.” He grumbles.

Leo actually laughs. “Alright, fine, you got me. I wanted to talk about you and Casey. But we don’t have to! I just- wanted to let you know that you can. That I’d…listen. And maybe offer my own shitty advice, if you want it.” 

Raph snorts. Leo rarely swears. But it has him feeling looser, like this isn’t that big of a deal. 

He sighs, and takes a seat next to him. He playfully shoves at his shoulder. Leo just smiles.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” He says after a moment. 

“I figured.” Leo sighs, and then goes quiet.

They sit in silence for a long time. Raph looks up at the sky. There’s clouds obscuring what little stars might still be seen with the light pollution. Some cars honk in the distance, and he can hear a subway car rattling down some of the above ground tracks. Somewhere there’s the squeal of an ambulance. 

“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I just…I want you to know that it doesn’t change anything. Whether you like boys or girls. You’re still my brother, and I still love you.” Leo says, somewhat clumsily.

Raph takes a shaky breath. He didn’t know how badly he needed to hear that from him until now. Leo is the one he wasn’t so sure about when it came to this stuff. Leo had no clue it was even possible to like people of the same sex, so Raph’s not sure he could even blame him if he thought that was weird or wrong. But it’s reassuring to know that he is okay with it.

“I’m just, I’m glad you’re figuring yourself out. That’s something that I’m definitely still struggling with.” 

Raph frowns. “You? Really? You seem like the only one of us who actually has his shit together.” 

Leo gives an awkward smile. “Hah. Well, I’m flattered you think so. But the truth is I don’t…I really don’t know who I am, or what I like, or what…what I should even be doing.” He takes a deep breath, like he hadn’t quite meant to admit something so personal. But then he seems to lean into it, and keeps admitting more. “This leader stuff is a lot. I feel like most of the time I’m trying to figure out how to make sure each of us are safe and happy and still working well together and making sure none of you die because of me, and I…I never seem to have time to figure out other stuff. Like who I like, or what I’m attracted to, or the fact that my brothers have lives outside of the dojo.” He runs a hand over his face, “I mean, I know you guys do. And I guess I do know who I am, to an extent, but it just…I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing too much, and maybe I should try to live a little, or maybe I’m not doing enough .” 

Raph’s mouth pops open to say something. But he doesn’t know what to say. He glances down at his lap. And then over at his brother, when he finally finds the words.

“I know…I’m really hard on you, sometimes. I can be an ass. But the truth is, your job is difficult. I don’t think I could ever do what you do, as good as you do it. And…and you do a great job. Most of the time.” He smirks slightly at the end, so Leo knows that he’s teasing about that last part.

Leo smiles, and shoves lightly at him. “Thanks, Raph. That…that means a lot.” 

Raph looks back down at his lap, trying to hide his own smile. Another horn honks in the distance. 

“Also, I’m sorry for kind of screwing up the whole thing between you and Casey. I didn’t mean to…to end up outing you like that.” Leo apologizes, sounding incredibly sincere. “I hope someday you can forgive me.” 

Raph sighs. While he was upset with Leo for a little while, he really can’t blame him. He’s not actually that mad at him; Raph is more frustrated with himself, for letting him get in this position in the first place. It really isn’t Leo’s fault, he had no way of knowing the consequences of what he was about to say. 

Raph takes a big breath. “It’s…it’s okay. I know you didn’t intend to out me. I forgive you. Mostly.” 

Leo smiles. “Thanks.” 

Raph nods, and looks back up at the sky. The clouds are starting to thin out a little more, letting the moonlight cascade down. 

Leo places a hand on his shoulder. “Now you’ve made me feel kind of bad about this.” He says.

Raph frowns, eyebrows furrowed. “What?”

“Hopefully you can forgive me for this part too.” Leo glances behind them.

“I- what?” Raph follows his gaze, and he spots a pair of hands on the edge of the roof, followed by a black puff a hair. He quickly scrambles to his feet, ready to bolt.

“Woah! Woah woah!” Leo grabs him, “No running bro, you gotta talk to him.”

Raph shakes his head, betrayal and fear spiking in his chest. Leo set him up. He- he set this up . 

Raph tries to get out of his grip, yanking and pulling, but Leo hangs on tight. Raph goes to reach for his sais, ready to try and fend him off if that’s really what it takes. But he’s met with nothing but leather straps and his shell. Even his grappling hook is gone. 

“You’re surprisingly easy to pick pocket. That’s probably something you need to work on.” Leo says, wrapping his arms tight around him. 

Raph struggles. “Don’t- don’t make me do this. I’ll- I’ll kill you for this!” He hisses, pouding on his brother’s fist to try and make him let go. His adrenaline is so high he almost feels light headed. 

“I told him you’d talk, okay? Just talk to him. I promise it won’t be bad.”

Raph growls, and finally manages to catch his brother’s leg with his foot, throwing him off balance enough to flip him over onto his back.  Leo lets out an oof, and Raph quickly scrambles to try and get away. 

Suddenly chains are wrapping around his feet, tripping him. He falls face first into the concrete. He scrambles to look back. 

“Catch, Casey!” Leo shouts, throwing one end of Mikey’s expandable nunchucks towards him. 

Raph tries to kick the chains off before Casey catches the other end. He's not successful.  

“Play nice Raph! Good luck Casey!” Leo salutes him off, and then shoots a grappling hook over to the next building and swings down to the alleyway below. 

Raph glances up at Casey, who’s now walking towards him. For a moment he feels paralyzed by fear.

“Do you have any idea how difficult you are?” Casey huffs. “You are so stubborn, and- and evasive, and difficult to find, and impossible to talk to when you’re mad. And yet you still drive me crazy .” Casey complains.

“Don’t- I don’t- I don’t want to do this.” He breathes, snapping out of his deer-in-headlights trance. He tries to reach down and undo the chains twisted around his ankles. Casey pulls it taunt so it’s harder, and it really doesn’t help that Raph’s hands won’t stop shaking. 

“Well I do ! And you keep running away before you even hear what I have to say! Just- could you just stop?” Casey puffs, hands going up in frustration. “I just- I have something important to say to you!”

He cringes, and his heart feels like it might try to jump out of his chest. Why is it so hard to breathe all of a sudden? 

“Please-“ he gasps, “Don’t- don’t say it.” Because he’s pretty sure he can’t stand to hear it. He’s pretty sure it will break him. And he’s not strong or brave enough to handle that. His chest already hurts, it feels so incredibly tight. 

Casey huffs. “Say what ? You think you know what I’m going to say? I don’t think you do.” 

He can’t get the chains off. His hands are shaking too bad. Panic is making his heart race. It feels like he’s trying to breathe air through a tiny coffee straw.

“ Please ,” he gasps out, voice choking up over the painful lump in his throat. 

Casey pauses suddenly, almost looking spooked. “Raph, you- hey, you’re bleeding.” 

He’s- he’s what? 

Casey is suddenly crouched down in front of him, and he reaches out to touch him. Raph jerks back, and Casey freezes. 

The sudden close proximity, and the sheer randomness of Casey’s observation, is like a shock to his system. He manages a big breath of air, and almost feels dizzy at the clarity. 

“Your lip is bleeding. You must have busted it when you fell.” He says softly.

Raph touches his lip, and he feels the wetness. His fingers come back with a red smear. He swallows thickly. 

“I didn’t… I didn’t mean to upset you. Please don’t cry. Please stop crying.” Casey says all too gently. 

Raph scoffs. The statement is ridiculous. How on earth could he not be upset right now? Here Casey is, having trapped him on this roof, just so he can break his heart. 

But also, Raph hadn’t realized he was crying. He swipes at his cheek, and sure enough, there’s tears. That makes him feel all kinds of embarrassment, and the crushing tightness winds its way back up in his chest. He chokes out on another sob. 

“Hey, hey .” Casey says, shuffling closer.

“Stop.” Raph chokes out.

Casey does. He pauses, and then he sits down. Raph struggles over a few breaths, and then Casey’s hands are grazing his shins. Raph jerks back, and Casey just looks up at him with this look that Raph doesn’t know how to read.

“I’m just getting the chains off.” He says. 

Raph swallows sharply, and Casey carefully unwinds the chains. When he’s finally free he pulls his knees up to his chest.

“Just say it.” He chokes out, voice warbling as he struggles for air.

He can’t stand this. If this is going to happen, if this is his fate, then so be it. At least let it happen quickly. He doesn’t need this agony to be dragged out any longer. Maybe it will be like ripping off a bandaid- the faster it happens, the less it will hurt. 

“What?” Casey asks.

“Just- just say it!” Raph huffs, hands balling into fists. 

Casey blinks at him, and Raph thinks that he looks like he might start crying too. Which really isn’t going to help. He doesn’t want any pitty. If this is going to happen, he just wants it over with. 

Casey looks down at the concrete below them, swallowing. He pokes at a crack with a chewed up finger nail. “I heard you, you know. The other day, in the dojo, talking to Mikey.” 

Raph nearly groans. Why is Casey telling him this? What the hell . 

“You aren’t a monster, Raph.” Casey whispers, brown eyes briefly flickering up at him to gauge his reaction. “You aren’t a freak of nature. You aren’t a monster. You aren’t- undesirable.” 

Why is he doing this to him? This is so fucked up. He can’t just say these things to him, right before he rejects him. It makes it hurt so much worse. Because if Casey doesn’t see him as a monster, that means his reasons for not liking him are- are because he just doesn’t . 

Raph can’t stand the expression on his face. It looks so raw and vulnerable, and sympathetic and gentle. His brown eyes are so soft, and he has this almost pouty look to his lips. And then he’s scooting closer, and he’s making more eye contact than Raph was prepared for. 

He swallows harshly. Is this it? Is he about to say it? He tries to brace himself. Tries to stop his tears, so he can maybe take it like a man. People go through heartbreak all the time. He can do this, right? Right?

No. He looks at Casey’s eyes, and he’s fairly certain this is going to end him.

“I think you are handsome, Raph. You’re funny, and you make me smile, and you care so much for others.” Casey swallows.

Raph blinks. And that’s- that’s not at all what he was expecting to come out of Casey’s mouth. He doesn’t understand this. Why the hell is he saying this?

“I do like you, Raph. I like you a lot, actually.” And Casey smiles slightly, that crooked broken smile that makes Raph’s heart do little flips in his chest.

What ? 

“Now, could you please like, calm down enough so I can actually kiss you?” Casey says, a teasing tone in his voice. “And so we can actually have a conversation about this?” 

Raph’s mouth drops open, and he just stares. Casey’s smile falters, and Raph doesn’t know how to feel.

“You…what?” He mumbles, sniffling and rubbing at one of his eyes.

“I like you too.” He repeats. “I’d…I think you’re cute, and funny, and stuff.”

Is he hallucinating? Is this a dream? Has Raph lost all his marbles? What the hell. There is no way this is happening. 

“I um. You’re kind of looking at me like I grew a second head. Are you…okay?” 

He shakes his head. This is unbelievable. Casey likes him back? That’s… what ?

And then he feels dread wash over him. 

This is a joke. This is a stupid prank. Casey has always seemed to think that it was funny to flirt with Raph. He’s always teased him before. He’s…he’s teasing him now. This is just a terrible, awful, sick joke.

He frowns, teeth gritting. “That’s not funny, Casey.” He huffs, voice still warbled slightly from his tears.

Casey looks confused. 

“That’s fucked up. That’s not funny. You- what the hell!” And now Raph is mad . Hurt, but too mad to even feel the hurt yet. He squeezes his hands into fists, hands still shaking. 

“I’m- I’m not joking. I’m- this is real . Why would I joke about this? That’s not funny. I’m being serious. I like you too , Raph.” Casey says, and he sounds and looks serious. 

But it still doesn’t make sense. Raph just stares at him. There’s just no way.

Casey huffs, and throws his hands up. “Gosh, what, do I need to like, prove it to you or something? What do you want me to do?”

Raph’s brain is still struggling to comprehend this. It just…it just doesn’t make sense to him at all. Why would Casey like him? Doesn’t he know how difficult it would be for them to date? Wouldn’t it be more trouble than it’s worth? 

Casey grabs his hands, squeezing his fingers. “Raph. Look at me.” Raph swallows, and meets his eyes. “I’m serious about this, okay? About you. I like you. And I have for a stupidly long time. Like, a week into knowing you.”

Raph feels his eyes go wide. He’s known Casey for a while . That’s- that’s a pretty long time.

“Now, would you please let me kiss you?” 

Raph just blinks, and then he finds himself nodding, mostly in shock and disbelief. 

Those calloused hands slip to hold his cheeks like they’ve done so many times before, and then Casey is shifting forward to sit closer, bringing their foreheads together. Hot breath fans across Raph’s face, and he feels his cheeks heat up.

Lips press to his, so gently . And it makes him gasp, mouth parting slightly. Casey slots his lips against his, and starts moving against him.

Raph loses it. This is crazy. He’s never felt anything like this before, the wild happy pounding to his heart, or the sheer heat that rushes over his face and body. He feels both frozen in place and desperate for more. He releases what is quite possibly the most embarrassing noise he’s ever made. It’s something between a moan and a squeak, and it has Casey smiling against his lips. 

And then Casey pulls back slightly, a hand leaving Raph’s face to wipe a thumb on his own lip. 

“I kind of forgot about your busted lip.” He says, laughing slightly, “that didn’t hurt, did it?” He licks at his own lips, as if tasting for blood.

Raph just blinks, mouth wide open in shock. 

Casey Jones just kissed him. On the mouth . And he likes him back . Casey likes Raphael . 

Casey places a finger under his chin and pushes his mouth closed. He's grinning ear to ear, brown eyes seemingly sparkling in the moonlight. 

“Rafa, gotta use your words. I didn’t hurt ya, did I?”

Raph shakes his head. He feels so incredibly high up in the clouds right now, that the slight throbbing pain in his lip is barely noticable. His heart feels so happy and full, he’s almost afraid that he might start uncontrollably giggling. 

Casey hums. “Good. Because I’m definitely not done with you yet.” 

Oh . Raph blinks, and suddenly lips are back on his. He hums, and Casey’s hand slips to the back of his neck, pulling him in closer with a squeeze. It causes a rumble to pick up in Raph’s chest, an instinctual urge that takes over. He's not sure he’s ever made this sound before, it almost feels like he’s purring . 

Casey is way too good at this. Kissing him is just- wow . And Raph has no idea what he’s doing. He knows there’s something about tongue being involved, but he doesn’t know how and- oh. Oh . That’s how.

Casey’s tongue gently grazes his top lip with each drag and pull. It’s subtle, but it has Raph’s brain exploding. This is- holy shit . He’s not sure what he expected this to be like, to actually kiss someone, but it’s so much better than he imagined. The rumbling in his chest picks up even more, and Casey starts to smile against him, one hand shifting down to press at Raph’s plastron, right over his heart. And suddenly Raph is overwhelmingly aware of just how close Casey is. One of his knees is propped up against Raph’s thigh, and if he were any closer he’d be practically sitting on Raph’s hip. Raph reaches out to squeeze at his knee, gasping for air against his mouth. He never wants this to stop. 

Raph feels like silly putty. His bones like jello. There’s so many crazy happy endorphins rushing through him that he feels like he’s floating. And also like he might burn up enough to start a fire. 

When Raph struggles for more air, Casey pulls back with a little laugh, sounding a little breathless himself.

“Sorry- got a little carried away.” He mumbles, pecking at Raph’s cheek. His breath is so warm . “That okay?”

Raph nods, squeezing at his knee again. Casey giggles, and from this close up his eyelashes look so pretty. Raph could probably count the freckles scattered across his nose, if he wanted to. Casey nuzzles his nose against Raph’s left cheek, humming as he shifts even closer, arms looping around Raph’s shoulders.

Raph takes a big breath. Casey smells surprisingly good right now. Kind of like sweat, and teenage boy, and almost like smoke, but with an undercurrent of deodorant and something warm that makes Raph’s heart race. And it probably shouldn’t smell this great, but Raph finds himself loving it. 

“Does this mean you wanna be mine?” Casey asks, pecking another kiss to Raph’s cheek.

Raph sputters. His initial response is to say “ yes, absolutely yes ”, but then he remembers all the reasons why he was so sure Casey would never want him. And he recalls the way he acted when Leo told him about the turtle stuff . Not to mention Casey likes April . And then Raph’s confused again. He frowns, and pulls away slightly.

“I don’t…I don’t understand.” He says.

Casey’s head tilts in a way that shouldn’t be so cute. “What do you mean?”

Raph looks down at Casey’s chest, staring at the Def Leppard print that’s starting to peel from the shirt being washed so many times. 

“What…what about April? I thought…”

Casey smiles slightly. “I actually…I don’t really like April like that. I mean, I did at first. She’s nice, and she’s cute and funny and smart and all, and it was kind of fun flirting with her and watching Donnie get all worked up over it, but…then I started crushing on you and kind of got over her. She’s really just a friend to me now.” He says. “And I’m pretty sure she never actually liked me like that, she just kind of entertained it because it was fun. And ever since she figured out that I like you, after I made us all watch that movie at your place, we both kind of stopped our charade. She likes Donnie more anyway.”

Raph blinks. Every time he thinks he has Casey figured out, he turns out to be wrong. He was so sure he and April were super into each other. He was certain they’d end up together eventually, and now Casey is telling him that they never even really liked each other? Insanity.

“What- what about…you were so mad, when you found out about the turtle stuff.” He says.

Casey cringes, and shifts to take a proper seat next to him. He reaches up to scratch at his head. “Yeah…that really wasn’t one of my best moments.” He reaches to pick at the threads in his ripped jeans, and he’s quiet for a moment. He has that expression on his face that Raph knows means he is thinking. Casey takes a big breath, and then starts talking. “For such a long time I was so sure there was no chance you’d ever like me, or even consider it as an option. I mean, for a long time you gave me absolutely nothing to go off of, so I kind of just stopped thinking about it being a possibility. I didn’t really have any reason to think you could have changed your mind. I mean, you did come out, and you started acting kind of weird, but I thought maybe that was just because you finally felt more comfortable to be yourself. Looking back, I was definitely being an idiot. No offense, but you are terrible at hiding a crush. It should have been super obvious.” Casey sends him a smile, and Raph feels himself blush. “Anyways, I just never really considered it as a possibility anymore. So…when Leo explained it all, I felt…hurt. Because apparently the actions I was taking meant more to you, and were actually reflective of my own feelings, but as far as I knew you didn’t feel the same way. I was embarrassed that I did it, and mad that you let me without me knowing, and I felt hurt and kind of betrayed, even if that doesn’t make sense. And I thought you didn’t like me, so I kind of tried to pretend like I was really offended. Like I couldn’t ever imagine us together like that. Because I didn’t want you to know how I really felt, and possibly ruin our friendship.” He takes a big breath, staring off at the skyline. “Does that answer your question?” 

Raph nods. That actually answers a lot of questions. And he also feels bad again, about it all. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you- I shouldn’t have let you touch me like that without you knowing it had a different meaning. It was wrong.” 

Casey sighs, and kind of nods. Raph doesn’t really expect forgiveness. He feels like they’ve barely even started this new part of their…relationship? Raph isn’t sure what to call them now. But they’ve barely started and Raph feels like he’s already broken Casey’s trust. 

“I promise to tell you that kind of stuff, from now on. If- if something else comes up, I promise I’ll tell you. And- I’m sorry about being a coward over all of this. About running away and blocking you and- I was just- I was being stupid.”

Casey smiles slightly. “No, you were scared. I get it. I mean, it was really annoying, and I was kind of pissed at you for a while, but I get it. You didn’t want me to break your heart. I really didn’t give you a reason to think that I liked you back, so I mean…of course you’d think I’d reject you. And I’ve been rejected before. I know how bad that shit hurts. Kind of makes you wish the other person just wouldn’t say anything, and you can go on with your lives pretending nothing happened.” 

Raph sighs, and he feels tension roll off his shoulders. Casey gets it. He understands.

He looks up at the sky. He can spot a few stars, but most of them are hard to see. He licks his lips, and tastes blood. His cut is starting to throb a little bit, now that the adrenaline and high-intensity emotions are over. There’s not much he can do about it right now. He doesn’t think he needs stitches or anything, but he can’t really see it. 

He takes a ragged breath. And he knows he has one last question. This one hurts the most. “Casey…I don’t know if you want to be with me.” 

Casey looks at him, eyebrows offended. “What? What do you mean?”

Raph can’t meet his eyes when he says it. All the fears and insecurities he has about being in a relationship. They hurt to say, especially now that he knows Casey likes him back. He feels like he might be ruining this. But he just made a promise that he’d say something, if anything else came up. And this feels like something important, even if it does hurt. “I can’t…dating me would be hard. I can’t walk down the street, or go somewhere on a date, or- or live in a nice neighborhood, or adopt kids, or- just- everything. I’m not- I wouldn’t be good for you. You deserve more than that.”

He has to look away, a lump forming in his throat and his eyes burning. He's cried enough, he doesn’t need to do it again.

A hand gently touches his shoulder. “Raph…that’s…I know that.” Casey says, “You think I don’t know that? It’s- I know . But I don’t really care. You think I care about being able to walk down the street? Do you know how much fun I have with you already? I don’t need that other stuff. And- and we can still have dates. They’ll just be…different, than normal dates. I can’t take you out for coffee, but we can climb the Empire State Building and pretend to be Godzilla.”

Raph actually scoffs. That’s an absolutely wild suggestion. “We are not climbing the Empire State Building, are you crazy ?” He huffs, finally turning to look at him.

Casey busts out laughing, a giant smile on his face. Raph can’t help but smile too. 

“Okay fine- no climbing sky scrapers. But I have lots of other ideas. And, besides, most ‘normal’ date ideas are boring as hell. We’re gonna have way more fun trying to sneak around. And also, don’t you dare say I deserve someone better. I don’t ever wanna hear that ever again, got it? Because you are awesome , and I could spend the rest of my life with you and be the happiest person alive.”

Raph’s eyebrows shoot up. That’s…that’s also a crazy thing to say. Casey seems to realize it right after it leaves his mouth. His cheeks flare red.

“I- I mean- uh-“ Casey’s eyes flicker over him, and then suddenly he looks stern. “Actually? You know what? I meant that. I’m doubling down. I wanna get disgustingly old with you. We’ll be crime fighting sewer rats into our 80s, even when our bones stop working or something, and I want to kiss you even after all our teeth have fallen out.”

Raph laughs, the smile plastering itself to his face. Casey is absolutely ridiculous.

“Don’t worry, you’re already halfway there, teeth wise.”

Casey scoffs, looking absolutely stunned by Raph’s teasing. He’s desperately trying to stamp down his smile and laughter, trying to act offended. He shoves his shoulder.

“I- ugh- you ! Rude !” And then he breaks, and he starts to laugh. “That- that was actually a really good burn. You- stinky face. Why are you so funny?”

“Sorry,” Raph grins, but he’s not sorry at all.

Casey just rolls his eyes and huffs. He leans into him, bumping their shoulders together. Raph feels winded from giggling so much, and his chest feels so bright and warm, and his cheeks are starting to hurt from smiling so hard. 

“So, like, is this you saying yes orrr,” Casey speaks up.

“Yes to what?”

Casey groans. “To being my boyfriend, you numbskull!” He says playfully.

Raph smiles. And he thinks maybe this can work for them. If Casey really wants to try, who is Raph to say no? He’d have to be crazy to say no. He’s wanted this so badly for months now, the answer is obvious.

“Yeah, I’ll be your boyfriend.”

Casey practically tackles him in a hug. Raph lets out an “ooof”, smiling wide. 

“About fucking time.” Casey says, and then he clonks their heads together, and kisses him.

Chapter Text

Casey hums. His knees slip to press against the couch on either side of Raph’s hips, and he shifts on Raph’s lap to be even closer. Heat races down Raph’s shell when the tails of his mask get tugged on, forcing his head back and mouth farther open. Casey practically dives in, tongue slipping against his at the opportunity. Raph tentatively places his hands at his waist, drawing him closer. 

“AHHH! OH MY GOD!” A shriek rings out in the lair. 

Raph yanks back, Casey trailing after his lips. 

Donnie stands at the entrance from his lab, covering his eyes. “My eyes! Oh my god!” He complains. “ Why !”

Casey rolls his eyes and huffs. “Oh get over it. I’m allowed to kiss my boyfriend.”

Raph flushes from embarrassment. He knew they probably shouldn’t do anything out here, and he hadn’t planned to, but Casey can be so… persuasive . 

Donnie sputters, peeking through his fingers. “But on the COUCH? In the LIVING ROOM? I don’t want to see you sucking each other's faces off! Get a room!”

Casey grumbles. “Splinter said we had to hang out here.” 

Which is true. Splinter told them no hanging out in Raph’s room alone. Especially with the door closed. So now they’re here, in the living room. Just…hanging out? Raph supposes making out and hanging out aren’t really the same thing. 

Donnie huffs. “So you thought, ‘oh, we’ll just eat each other’s tongues in the living room, where everyone who definitely doesn’t want to see that can see us’?” 

“Sorry Don.” Raph tries to offer an awkward smile. 

Casey just waves him off, rolling his eyes and turning back to Raph. “Don’t apologize to him. He’s just jealous April hasn’t made a move yet.”

“I can still hear you!”

Casey just flips him off. Raph scoffs, and reaches out to grab his hand to stop him. Donnie makes a grumpy sound, and then turns back around and disappears back into his lab. Raph still feels embarrassed. 

“Perfect. We scared him off. Now, where were we?” Casey wiggles his eyebrows, starting to lean back in. 

Raph pushes at his chest lightly, “I think we were about to find something to watch on the TV.” 

Casey smiles. “That’s fine. Let it play in the background.” He says, eyes on Raph’s lips. 

Raph snorts softly. “You are embarrassing, you know that? What if it was my dad who walked in?”

Casey cringes suddenly. “Okay, I’m beginning to see your point.” He sits back, glancing around. “Maybe we just go topside?” 

Raph can’t really argue with that. He nods. “I’ll tell Mikey.” Because he knows if he tells Leo, that he’ll probably say no. 

Casey grins, and then leans forward to peck his cheek.

- - - - -

“Oh! Oh oh oh- YES !” 

They all practically jump to their feet, screaming in victory as the horn blares. The crowd below erupts into cheers. Donnie grabs Mikey before he loses his balance on the beam they’re all carefully perched on.

Raph feels pride swell up in his chest, and he feels almost giddy. Casey is going absolutely crazy down on the ice, screaming with his hockey stick up in the air. His teammates crash into him from all sides as they celebrate the winning goal. Raphael starts laughing from sheer happiness, watching as Casey is lifted up and tossed in the air. 

“That was awesome!” Leo enthuses next to him, shaking Raph’s shoulder.

“Dude, we totally need to come to more of his games! This was crazy!” Mikey shouts, making the beam shake as he jumps.

Raph agrees. Bringing his brothers along was definitely a good idea. This was a lot more fun with other people to watch with. 

They eventually swing their way out of the rafters to wait outside for Casey. They watch the crowd trickle out of the rink, and Raph texts Casey to let him know where they are. When he finally comes out he’s surrounded by several of his teammates. They pat him on the back, and they’re all laughing and joking. Even from here Raph can see that Casey is still riding that crazy adrenaline rush. 

Casey finally manages to break away, and they all jump down into the alleyway when he comes over. 

“Dude! That was awesome!” Mikey immediately swarms him, talking a mile a minute. “When you stole the puck from that huge dude, and then you dodged that one guy, and then you actually made the shot!” 

Casey is all red faced and smiling bright, nodding and jumping along with his own excitement. 

“You guys all saw it? It was so cool! Oh my god! I won us the game!” 

Donnie and Leo chime in, cheering and giving their own congratulations. All three of them surround him, hyping him up. Raph just watches, chest feeling all kinds of warm. Casey is tossed up in the air for the second time that night, the biggest smile Raph has ever seen plastered to his face. 

And then finally he’s set down, and Raph gets nearly plowed over with a tight hug. He laughs, squeezing him back. Casey pulls away with a wild look on his face, cheeks all  rosy and brown eyes sparkling. 

“Where’s my victory kiss?” He grins. 

Raph laughs, eyes flickering up at his brothers, who are all watching them. Leo quickly turns around, suddenly taking an interest in the brick wall next to them. Donnie starts fiddling with one of his tech gadgets, and Mikey slaps both hands over his eyes. It makes Raph giggle slightly. He looks back down at Casey, who’s literally puckering his lips, eyes closed in anticipation. Raph leans in to give him a peck. 

Casey clearly has other plans, because suddenly hands are slapping onto his cheeks to pull him into a real kiss. Mikey whistles, and Donnie grumbles under his breath. 

Casey is a little excited and gets over zealous. His tongue brushes Raph’s bottom lip, teeth grazing just enough to send Raph’s mind spinning. And then suddenly Raph’s getting backed up against the wall, shell hitting brick. Heat immediately spills over his cheeks.

Donnie lets out a noise of complaint, and Mikey laughs. 

“Alright, I think that’s enough.” Leo says, clearly flustered.

Casey breaks away briefly to groan in annoyance, waving a hand out in their direction, as if he’s telling them to just go.

Mikey snickers, “ Lovebirds ,” he teases, “Yeah whatever, we’ll see you guys later.”

Donnie grumbles. Raph isn’t looking at him, too focused on how pretty Casey’s eyelashes are from this close up, but he knows his brother is probably rolling his eyes. 

Leo huffs. “Don’t stay out too late! I want you both back at the lair by 9 at the latest!”

Casey groans. “That’s in thirty minutes!”

“28, to be exact.” Donnie chimes in.

“10pm!” Casey huffs, turning slighting to face them.

“9 pm, sharp .” Leo stands firm. “You have school tomorrow.” 

“28 minutes is not enough time to kiss him stupid!” Casey complains, pointing up at Raph.

Leo cringes. Donnie gags. 

Mikey scoffs, “I don’t know, Raph already looks pretty stupid.” 

Raph blinks, realizing his mouth is still hanging open in semi-shock at the bruising kiss he just received. He quickly closes it, shaking his head. He sends Mikey a scathing glare.

“27 minutes now.” Donnie says, grinning at his watch.

Casey lets out a frustrated huff. “Then get! Leave!” 

They quickly scramble away, laughing. Mikey starts up a teasing song as they scramble over the top of the building.

“ Casey and Raph, sittin’ in a tree, K I S S I N G- “

It’s moments like these that Raph (lovingly) hates his brothers. 

Casey looks back at him. “Now that they’re gone…” he grins, and Raph gladly accepts the kiss that he’s met with.

Casey is sporadic. He kisses him senseless one second, teeth and tongue and hands roaming over Raph’s shoulders and at the back of his neck, and then the next he’s pulling back to gasp hot air against him, babbling on about the hockey game and that final play.

“Did you see the way I caught that puck?” He huffs between kisses, “That was so awesome…” 

Raph is barely listening to him. Casey is mostly talking nonsense, words sputtering out with so much excitement that he’s talking over himself. He’s smiling the entire time. Raph doesn’t understand how he’s able to kiss him so well between each bout of rambling. Each time he pulls back Raph feels breathless, face burning up. 

And then Casey’s kisses start dipping to his jaw, a hot tongue against his skin, and it has heat flooding down his neck and over his shoulders. Hands slip to grab at Raph’s hips, pulling them flush against him. He takes a shaky breath, his heart hammering in his chest.

“Case-“ he grumbles, and his voice sounds absolutely wrecked.

Casey giggles against him, the puff of air sending shivers down Raph’s arms. 

“I could kiss you forever.” Casey hums, and Raph’s pretty sure he has every intention of doing just that.

And then suddenly his t-phone starts ringing. Casey lets out the loudest groan, throwing his head back in annoyance. It takes Raph’s brain a few seconds to register what the sound means, and that he should probably grab his phone and answer it. Casey picks it up for him. 

“I don’t care if it’s almost 9pm I’m-“ he starts, voice gruff, and then he pauses.

Raph catches Donnie’s scathing tone through the receiver. Casey’s eyes widen. He pulls back from Raph. The loss of heat is like a punch to the gut. 

“Oh my god, where are you guys?” Casey says, turning to rip open his hockey bag that was left and forgotten on the asphalt.

Raph blinks, trying to catch his bearings. Clearly something is going on. But his brain is currently operating on what feels like mush. He feels like he’s floating through clouds.

“Okay, we’ll be there as soon as possible.” Casey says, and then snaps the phone closed, and twirls around to face Raph. “We gotta go, now . The boys got jumped by the foot. Donnie says Leo is hurt.” 

That quickly snaps Raph out of his daze. He blinks, shaking his head. “What? Hurt how? How bad?” 

“I don’t know, but Donnie sounded worried. We better go.” Casey says, scrambling to pull on his hockey pads.

“Wait- where’s your normal gear?” Raph asks.

Casey huffs, “At home! What, do you think I just bring bombs and tasers to school events with me?” 

Raph swallows. Okay, that makes sense, but also almost all of Casey’s regular hockey gear has his school colors and his school’s logo on it. Not to mention he doesn’t have his mask. The very last thing that Raph needs is the foot clan and Shredder knowing his boyfriend’s identity, and how and where to find him. 

He shakes his head. “No.”

Casey looks at him. “What? What do you mean no ?”

“You’re not coming. No.” 

Casey suddenly looks furious. Raph knows he hates when they force him to stay behind, but he can’t possibly let Casey out there.

“ What !” Casey yells, face turning red. “No! You are not benching me! Absolutely not !”

Raph huffs, “Casey- your gear . It has your school all over it.” 

Casey glances down at his gear, and he looks about ready to keep arguing, but then realization seems to dawn on his face.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, so you’re not coming.” 

Casey looks crushed. And Raph feels bad. But he doesn’t know what else to do. 

And then Casey looks stern. And Raph already knows he’s not going to like what’s about to come out of his mouth. “Fuck it. I don’t care. Leo needs our help. I’m coming.” 

“What? No! You have no idea what they might do to you if they know-“

“I don’t care!” Casey roars.

Raph takes a big breath, trying not to get mad. He grabs at his head, starting to pace. If Casey is going to come anyways, regardless of how much Raph begs him not to, then they need some sort of plan. And Raph is not the person who comes up with the plans. Raph is the person who runs head first into danger and thinks about it later. Leo is the strategy guy, Leo is the one who has to take in account all their safety, and how to execute a plan that ensures all of their survival. Raph doesn’t know how to do this part. In fact, he hates doing this part. It’s so much pressure.

“Raph we don’t have time for this, we need to go now .” Casey is getting impatient, biting at his lip. 

And then suddenly Raph gets an idea. It might actually be a terrible one, but it’s an idea. 

“The Shellraiser!” He shouts, turning to look at Casey. “You go back to the lair and grab the shellraiser. You’ll be safer in there, and then you can come pick us up and get us out of there.” 

Casey blinks, and then starts bouncing on the balls of his feet, a smile spreading on his face. “Hell yes.” 

Raph huffs. Donnie is going to kill him for allowing Casey to touch his pride and joy, but this is Raph’s only idea. And he hopes it’s a good one.

Casey tells him where the boys are, and then he jumps down the closest manhole. He has Raph’s phone to help lead him through the sewers. 

“Be careful!” Raph calls down.

“You be careful! I’ll kill you if you die on me!” He shouts up from the darkness, and then Raph hears his footsteps splashing through the tunnel as he takes off.

Raph doesn’t waste any time. He scrambles up the nearest building and hightails it across the rooftops. He can actually hear the fight as he gets closer. 

His breath catches when he spots his brothers. All three of them are surrounded, backed up against a wall. Leo is on the ground, Mikey and Donnie trying their best to protect him and fend off the incoming attacks. His first instinct is to just dive straight in and start slashing, but then he pauses. His brothers won’t be able to help him if he gets himself stuck. He needs to be smart about this. 

He ducks behind the roof edge, pulling out a few shurikens. He slips to the edge of the building, and then aims and chucks one at one of the foot soldiers below. He quickly vaults to the next roof, trying to stick to the shadows. He throws another star. It makes contact. Several soldiers are starting to look for him. He leaps to another building and slings another. 

Out of the corner of his eye he sees Mikey take a bad hit that sends him to his knees. Raph lets out a gasp, anger flaring up in his chest. He realizes he doesn’t have time for stealth. He needs to cause a distraction to give his brothers a chance.

“Fuck it.” He huffs, and jumps off the fire escape he’s perched himself on, arms spread with sais ready to go.

He lands directly on top of a soldier, swiping at his arm and kicking his head against the asphalt. He’s suddenly swarmed. Blades come at him from all sides. He has to resort to using his shell as a shield, hunching over to try and protect his shoulders and legs.

“Raph!” He hears Donnie shout out to him.

Someone manages to land a good cut to his shoulder, and it only makes him even angrier. He growls, and reaches out to grab two soldiers by the scruff of their robes. He smacks their heads together like puppets, and they stumble to the ground. He barreles into the next person in his way, tackling them to the asphalt. He punches at their jaw before they can recover, and then rolls off of them before he can get piled on. It all happens in a blur, slashing and punching and kicking. By the time he finally reaches his brothers they’re struggling to hold back the soldiers. 

“Raph!” Mikey gasps, reaching out to grab at him. 

Raph swings the butt end of his sai into someone’s face, sending them toppling over into another soldier. Clearly these guys were not taught how to fight in close quarters, or when so near to one another. Even still, their sheer numbers are overwhelming. 

Donnie reaches for Raph and pulls him closer. They bump into each other, but they’re fine. Mikey ducks out of the way when Raph reaches out for another slash. 

“Where the hell did all of these bastards come from?” He huffs, because seriously, since when did the foot have so many soldiers? It kind of feels like they’re fighting an entire army, and it’s even stranger to not see Tigerclaw or Rahzar here giving orders; it’s just the normal foot soldiers. Everything about this feels off. 

“Your guess is as good as mine.” Donnie huffs, stabbing out at a soldier.

“Where’s Casey?” Mikey asks, clocking a guy straight to the jaw with one of his nunchucks.

“Getting the shellraiser.” Raph huffs as he kicks at another guy. 

“He’s WHAT?!” Donnie exclaims. He's distracted just long enough for someone to make contact with his head, sending him stumbling.

Raph immediately feels furry. He launches towards the culprit, tackling him down to punch at his face. Attacks rain down on his shell, but he’s buzzing with too much adrenaline to really feel any of it. He’s too busy barreling his way through his enemies, sais slashing and chest huffing. He's not sure how long they spend fighting off attacks. All he knows is it feels like the waves never end. He takes down one soldier, only for them to seemingly be replaced by another.

Suddenly there’s the screech of tires, and the blare of a horn. Heads pop up around him, and Raph takes the opportunity to land a nasty punch.

“GET IN THE CAR!” He hears Casey scream. 

Donnie and Mikey scramble to pick up Leo, who Raph hasn’t even had time to really look at. Donnie hauls him towards the shellraiser while Mikey tries to cover their backs. Raph tries to deal as much damage and create as big of a distraction as he possibly can. His heartbeat is whooshing in his ears. 

“RAPH! Get in!” Mikey shouts. 

Raph looks back, and sees that his brother is fighting off soldiers who are trying to get into the train car. Raphael shoves his way over, bulldozing through several people on his way. Mikey grabs him by the arm and he’s yanked inside lightning fast.

“Step on it Jones!” Donnie shouts, and then tires are squealing and the floor lurches under Raph’s feet.  

Leo is splayed out on the floor, looking pale. He’s clutching at his knee and bleeding from his thigh. But he seems kind of awake. Donnie struggles to help him with Casey’s crazy driving that has them all struggling to find their footing. 

Raph grabs onto Mikey’s shoulder to try and steady himself. He realizes that he’s kind of breathing hard. He’s wheezing, actually. As if he’s out of breath. And he’s very rarely out of breath. And his heart is still racing, but suddenly his stomach feels not so good . 

“ Woah , Raph, you look awful . Are you okay?” Mikey starts to ask. 

Casey takes another crazy turn, and Raph’s knees betray him, and he falls down to the floor. It’s jaring. And he suddenly feels light headed despite being on his shell. 

The last thing he remembers is shouting, and Donnie hovering over him with a worried expression. And then everything goes black.

- - - - -

There's a bright light above him. Shadows loom over him. Sound seems to come in through warblings, and he catches bits and pieces of a conversation.

“…gauze! ….a suture kit!…need blood!”

“Leo…knee is…”

“Raph…worse…!”

“Oh my god…”

There’s more sounds that rattle through his head. Existence feels awful. He feels pain spike through his shoulder, and his body jolts. 

“Shit…still semi-conscious…Raph!…hear me?”

He tries to groan, or move, or something, but everything feels so heavy. There’s a pinch to his shoulder, and then he’s drifting off again. 

“…shell is nearly cracked….Idiot.”

“…going to be okay?” 

A grunt. “…survive…stupid another day.” 

He feels cold. And he registers pain. Something squeezes at his hand. 

“C’mon love, please wake up.” 

The voice sounds gentle, and pleading, and it makes his chest feel warm. Something soft presses against his cheek.

He's so tired.

- - -

The first thing his brain completely registers is immense pain . He feels it first as a dull ache in his back, and then a burning sensation, and soreness in his shoulders and down even in his legs. His head feels like it’s pounding. The thought of opening his eyes feels like an immense chore, and when he finally cracks them open the world is way too bright. He winces, and then squints. 

It’s a light, above him. A gray ceiling overhead. He’s laying down, on his shell. He blinks steadily, trying to clear his head of cobwebs. His mouth feels so dry. He smacks his lips, and a groan finally works its way out of him. 

Movement to his left catches his attention.

“Raph?!”

He looks over. He’s met with a shock of black hair, and a worried face. Hands immediately grab at his cheeks.

“Oh my god! You’re awake!” Casey says, and then suddenly Raph is getting crushed in a hug.

He coughs, and winces when Casey somehow manages to squeeze too tight. 

Casey suddenly pulls back, and punches him lightly to the shoulder. It makes him wince again. He's so sore. 

“Don’t you ever do that to me ever again!” Casey pouts, eyebrows furrowed, “Don’t you ever try and die on me! I told you I’d kill you if you did!” He looks mad, but then his pouty lips start to wobble, and instead he leans forward to crush him in another hug, hiding his face against Raph’s plastron. “You scared me so bad. You can’t do that.” His voice warbles.

Raph coughs again, and then he manages to shift to place a hand between Casey’s shoulder blades, fingers softly shifting in a poor attempt to rub and soothe him. 

“Sorry. M’ okay.” He grumbles, voice sounding incredibly gravely and hoarse. 

He glances around them. He recognizes the room as the medbay. None of his brothers are in here. He supposes that’s probably a good thing. It means they weren’t hurt bad enough to be stuck in here. 

“How long have I been out?” He asks, thumb messing with the fabric of Casey’s shirt. 

Casey sniffles, and squeezes. “Like a full day .”

Suddenly the door opens, and Raph watches Donnie step in. His eyebrows fly up.

“Oh! You’re awake. That’s great.”

Casey pulls off of him, quickly wiping at his eyes. He reaches to squeeze Raph’s hand.

Donnie steps over, starting to check him out. He pulls at his eyelids, flashing a tiny light straight into his eyes. Raph frowns.

“Your color looks good finally.” He notes, moving to check a bandage at Raph’s shoulder. 

It’s then that Raph realizes he’s covered in bruises and bandages. 

“You know where you are?” Donnie asks.

“Medbay.” He huffs. 

Donnie hums. “And who are you?”

Raph smirks. “The best ninja turtle.” 

Donnie rolls his eyes. “Uh-Huh. And who’s that?” He points at Casey.

“Boyfriend.” He says. 

Donnie sighs. “Yeah. He’s fine.” He seems to direct it towards Casey, who just smiles.

Raph coughs, and Donnie frowns, gaze snapping back towards him. He quickly grabs his makeshift stethoscope to hear at his chest.

“What happened?” Raph croaks.

“Shut up. I’m trying to hear your heart and lungs.” Donnie hushes him.

Raph huffs. He reaches out to grab at Casey’s fingers, squeezing. Casey smiles softly, pulling his hand up to press a kiss to his knuckles. It makes Raph stupidly blush, heart picking up.

Donnie rolls his eyes, pulling the cup away from Raph’s plastron. He mutters under his breath, something about them being ridiculous. He turns to grab something off a nearby cart. 

“What do you remember last?” He asks, carefully peeling back another bandage to check another cut. 

Raph blinks, trying to use his brain. He remembers pain, and brief conversations, but he can’t remember what was said. He just knows there was stuff happening. 

“Passing out in the shellraiser.” He settles on, because that’s really his last clear memory. 

Donnie nods. “Good. And to answer your question, you went full terminator mode. And subsequently got yourself incredibly hurt in the process, like an idiot. The rest of us were so focused on making sure Leo was okay and that we got out of there, that we didn’t really notice how injured you’d gotten until suddenly you hit the floor.” 

“How is he?” Raph asks. 

“Leo is fine. A bad stab to his outer thigh and a dislocated kneecap, but he’s doing fine now. I’m more concerned about your self-destructive savior complex that resulted in you getting far more banged up than the rest of us.” 

Raph rolls his eyes.

“I’m serious, Raph. You have several gashes to your shell. Nearly cracks. Probably some cracked ribs. Not to mention all the places you got cut and stabbed. I seriously don’t know how you were still fighting. You can’t be throwing yourself into positions where you can get that hurt. You shouldn’t have been shoving your way into that mass of foot soldiers.”

Raph frowns, feeling angry suddenly. Is Donnie that ungrateful that he helped them? Where the hell would they all be right now if Raph hadn’t gotten all battle crazy? “If I hadn’t jumped in like that the rest of you would have been pulp.” He growls. 

 Donnie sighs. “There’s a difference between protecting your brothers and sacrificing yourself.”

Raph scoffs, and the release of air kind of hurts. “I wasn’t sacrificing myself-“

“Yes you did .” Casey interrupts, a frown on his face. 

Raph blinks, and looks at him. He looks upset. And angry.

“You weren’t even there .” Raph complains.

“I saw it though! When I pulled up you were practically trying to take on the entire army, instead of letting Donnie and Mikey help you. And then when we were trying to leave, instead of just helping Mikey fend them off so you could all get in, you just- threw yourself into the fray, and tried to fight all by yourself.”

And suddenly Raph is mad. The audacity of Casey Jones— the guy who is the absolute worst at throwing himself directly into danger and is well known to go off all by himself— to claim Raph was being too careless. 

“Oh that’s really rich coming from you.” He sneers, “You were literally ready to willingly hand the foot your identity and a clear way to get to you! I had to stop you from coming with us-“

“That’s completely different.” Casey grits.

“Like hell it is-“

“Alright! That’s enough!” Donnie shouts, throwing his hands up. “This isn’t something you two need to be arguing about, alright? Both of you are guilty of the sacrificial savior complex, alright? You both have your moments where you’re absolute idiots. Both of you try to take on more than you should, and both of you care too much about the other to let it happen and yadda yadda yadda, since when am I suddenly a couples counselor?” Donnie frowns, shaking his head. He waves off the silly revelation, “Anyways- you both are guilty of this. And hopefully you can learn from it. Both of you need to learn to let others help you, and that you don’t have to be the one to try and save everyone. The rest of us are not helpless fools. We can help ourselves too.” 

Raph puffs. Casey crosses his arms and just looks off angrily. Donnie rolls his eyes.

“Anyways. As I was explaining, you faced some major injuries. And you lost a lot of blood. You better be thanking Mikey later for the blood transfusion he gave you. Also, you are on bedrest for at least three days. I don’t want you leaving unless to go to the bathroom. No training for at least two weeks after that. And no more patrols or fighting for several weeks after that. Not until your shell is nearly healed.” 

Raph scoffs, and starts to complain.

“Nope! Doctors orders! No arguing with the doctor. Or I’ll have sensei come in here and he won’t be nearly as nice about all of this.” 

Raph grumbles, and now he’s crossing his arms and pouting. Donnie just smirks, and pats his leg.

“You and Leo have a lot of swimming and basking lined up for the next couple weeks.” 

Okay, so maybe that doesn’t sound too bad. But still. He hates the idea of being bed bound and restricted to the lair. It is so not fun. 

Donnie forces him to drink some water and eat some soup that Mikey made. It’s surprisingly palatable. Raph sheepishly requests a blanket, admitting that he’s kind of cold. Donnie finds one for him, and drapes it over his lap. And then he’s giving him some more painkillers, and he finally leaves. 

It’s silent for a while between Raph and Casey. Casey seems to refuse to look at him. Raph takes a heavy breath. And he realizes he doesn’t want to be mad at Casey. Not right now.

“I’m sorry.” He kind of mumbles it, because he’s never been good at apologizing when he’s pretty sure he’s not entirely in the wrong.

Casey’s brown eyes flicker over at him. “For what?”

Raph stares down at the blanket draped over his lap. “For arguing with you.” He mumbles.  

Casey scoffs slightly. Raph frowns, annoyed that Casey seems to find this ridiculous, but then he sees that Casey is actually smiling, and isn’t mad. 

“Donnie was kind of right, wasn’t he? We’re both pretty bad at the whole ‘throwing yourself directly in danger for others ’ thing.” 

Raph smiles softly. “Yeah.”

Casey sighs, propping his head up on his hands, elbows on the edge of the bed. And then he tilts his head to look at him. Raph watches him for a while. And then Casey seems to decide he’s tired of the distance, because he sighs and scrambles up on the bed.

“Scooch over.” He says, shifting around to wedge his way right next to him in the bed. 

Raph winces as he tries to move to make space, and he realizes that maybe Donnie’s orders to stay bed bound aren’t that bad. Especially considering it seems like he’d barely be able to stand on his own even if he wanted to. If just shifting over hurts, he can’t really imagine standing. 

Casey curls up next to his side, reaching out to smooth his thumb over Raph’s furrowed eyebrows. Raph takes a deep breath, and even that kind of hurts. Casey is warm against him. And he kind of wishes he could curl up into a ball and just exist with his entire body pressed against his. Casey is just always so nice and warm.

“You scared me.” Casey whispers. “That’s why I got mad.” 

Raph nods. He can understand that. He can get the same way, when he’s scared.

“Just- promise you won’t do that again.” Casey breathes.

Raph frowns. “You know I can’t promise that.”

Casey sighs. “I know. But I wish you would anyways.”

Raph offers a sad smile. He reaches to touch Casey’s hair, shoulder complaining slightly. He's once again mesmerized by Casey’s pretty eyelashes and that soft dusting of freckles on his nose. And those beautiful brown eyes, that he’s pretty sure he could easily melt into. 

“You’re too pretty.” He whispers.

Casey laughs softly. “Pretty?”

Raph hums, running his thumb over Casey’s cheek. “Yeah. Pretty.” 

Casey smiles bright, and it makes Raph’s chest ache in a good kind of way. It makes him feel incredibly lucky, to know this silly dude is his . 

He leans down to peck Casey’s forehead, neck and back complaining slightly at the angle. Casey surges up to give him a real kiss, and Raph hums into the warm mouth. 

As per their usual, it escalates quickly. That just seems to be Casey’s MO; he can’t ever just kiss him once, or do it simply. It always turns into a whole thing . Raphael really can’t complain though.

A knee slips over his thighs, and suddenly Casey is straddling his lap, hands running up his plastron. Raph winces when Casey settles and puts too much weight onto his left thigh. His leg jerks on its own accord, attempting to get away. Casey pops up onto his knees, pulling back. 

“I’m sorry- are you okay?” 

Raph just huffs. “Yeah. Just- my leg hurts there.” 

Casey frowns, head tilting as he looks at him. “You’re just a bucket of bruises and injuries. How am I supposed to make out with you when you’re like this?” 

Raph snorts softly, more just a puff of air out of his nose. He grins. “I’m sure you can find a way.” He says, flashing his teeth as he grabs at Casey’s waist.

Casey giggles when Raph starts to tickle him, squirming to get away. Raph laughs, reaching to hold onto him as he jerks away. He accidentally bumps back into that sore spot on Raph’s leg. Raph hisses, leg jerking back. Casey’s breath catches, and he frowns.

“I’m sorry-“ he starts, but Raph just shakes his head, straightening his leg back out. 

“My fault. I was tickling you.” 

Casey smiles softly. “Yeah, kind of is your fault.” 

Raph scoffs then. And Casey’s smile grows bigger. Raphael is pretty sure he’ll never grow old of that crooked smile. 

Casey shuffles closer to peck his cheek, and then he pulls back the blanket. Raph frowns slightly, but before he can complain hands land on his legs, and Casey gently pushes them apart. Raph feels his breath catch, and Casey pauses. 

“That hurt?” He asks.

Raph blinks, heart racing. He shakes his head.

So Casey pushes his legs even wider, and leans in close to his ear.

“Scoot forward for me.” He whispers, and it really shouldn’t make Raph blush so hard. 

Raph feels hot all over. He tries to scoot forward. One of Casey’s hands slides down to tug gently at the lip of his shell, helping pull his hips forward. It makes Raph gasp. 

“That hurt?” He asks again. 

Raph feels lost for words. He doesn’t know what the hell Casey is doing, but it feels very intimate, to a degree he’s not sure he’s comfortable with yet. 

“Uh- n-no.” He says.

Casey smiles, and reaches back to yank off his ratty tennis shoes. Raph watches them hit the floor. He doesn’t know what that action is supposed to mean. 

And then Casey sits down between Raph’s legs. Raph swallows. Casey lays his legs over Raph’s upper thighs, practically over his hips, and then scoots forward and bends his knees to tuck his feet behind Raph’s shell. 

“How’s this? Hurt anywhere?” He asks, and Raph is distracted by the proximity, and how pretty his eyelashes look.

“Uhhh…” he trails, swallowing hard again. He glances down at how close they are down there. And his mind conjures the most inappropriate of images. 

Casey chuckles softly. “Hah! No. Absolutely not. Get your mind out of the gutter, you goof. No way are we getting freaky for the first time when you’re covered in bumps and bruises in a hospital bed and your father could walk in at any moment.” 

Raph blushes hard, quickly looking away from the zipper of Casey’s faded jeans. He stammers, words completely failing him. Casey just laughs. 

“I’m just trying to get us both comfy. Cuz I want to cuddle. Unless this is too much-“ he starts to pull away slightly.

Raph shakes his head, hands actually coming out to grab him and stop him. He swallows. “U-uh, no this is- this is fine.”

The truth is he still feels really cold, and Casey is like his own personal heater. So this is actually perfect. 

Casey smiles, and then reaches back to grab the blanket. He unfolds it all the way, and then  drapes it over his shoulders and leans forward to tuck the corners behind Raph’s shoulders. 

“Better?” He asks softly. 

Raph nods, eyes flickering back down to those pretty lips. Casey smiles, rolling his eyes. 

“You know, most people might claim I’m a greedy kisser, but you’re just as bad, you know that?” He smirks, and then leans in to steal his lips.

Raph flushes, but just pulls Casey closer, pressing in against him. He keeps one hand at his back, and the other rubbing at his shoulder, occasionally slipping to cup his cheek. Casey keeps one hand on the back of his neck, squeezing softly when he pulls back to trail kisses against Raph’s jaw. 

One particularly tight squeeze, and a light nip against his pulse has Raph’s breath catching and his stomach flipping. It sends that message directly to his bones, and he feels hot. Casey knows exactly what he’s doing.

“Case,” He breathes, suddenly feeling nervous. 

Casey hums, tongue hot on his skin. 

“I’m not…I don’t think- can you stop, for a second please?” 

Casey pulls away, looking confused. “What’s wrong?” 

Raph swallows, and he can’t seem to meet his eyes when he says it. 

“I um. I don’t think I’m ready for something like that.” He says softly. 

Casey looks confused, and Raph realizes he wasn’t very specific, and that he should really elaborate on what he means by that. But he doesn’t know where to start.

“You don’t want me kissing your neck? How come you haven’t said anything sooner, I’ve been doing that like all week-“

Raph shakes his head. “No- Not that. I mean…when you said getting freaky, I’m- uh-“

“ Oh .” Raph can literally see the connection click on Casey’s face. And then Casey smiles softly. He reaches out to brush at Raph’s face. “Hey, that’s totally okay. I’m not either. We can take all the time in the world for something like that, okay?” 

Raph bites down on his lip and nods. Casey swipes at his cheek, and leans in to place one peck to his lips. And then he sighs and leans forward to rest his head on Raph’s shoulder, nose pressed against this neck. The pressure against his chest feels nice, and Raph feels like he could easily melt into this bed forever. His eyelids suddenly feel heavy. He wonders how late it is.

“Case?” 

He hums. 

“What time is it?” He asks.

“Time for Casey to go home.” 

They both jump, startled by the voice. 

“Leo, what the hell! Maybe don’t sneak up on people!” Casey huffs, turning to look at the turtle.

Raph flushes red. When did Leo even get in here? How did they not hear him, with his crutches and everything? 

“How long have you been standing there?” Raph huffs.

Leo shrugs, clearly balancing most of his weight on his left leg. “Not long. But it is almost 10 pm, and Casey needs to go home. He has school tomorrow, and he is not skipping again.”

Raph releases a scandalized gasp. “You skipped school ?” 

Casey rolls his eyes. “Yeah whatever, it’s not a big deal.”

“He refused to go home last night and would not leave for school. He was glued to your bedside.”

Casey flushes, and makes a disgruntled face. “I wasn’t… glued .” He mumbles, as if embarrassed.

But it just makes warmth spread in Raph’s chest. He's not sure what he expected, but knowing Casey cares that much, that he was that worried about him, makes him feel all kinds of fuzzy. 

“Casey…” he breathes.

Casey makes a funny face, and gently pushes at Raph’s shoulder. “Oh don’t look at me like that, all mushy gushy and stuff. You would have done the same thing.” 

Raph hadn’t realized ‘mushy gushy’ was an expression he could make, whatever that even means. Instead he just smiles. And he knows Casey is right; he would be permanently stuck to Casey’s bedside if he was hurt.

“While this is great and all for you two, if you don’t leave Casey, I am going to have to forcefully kick you out.” Leo says.

Casey huffs. “Jesus, Leo, you are like the biggest cock blocker I’ve ever met, you know that? And that’s saying a lot, because my dad is homophobic.” 

Leo blinks. “I literally don’t know what any of that means, but okay. Now…come on. Get.” He makes a shooing motion with his hand.

Casey huffs. He makes a dramatic show of very slowly untangling himself from Raph, sending Leo a glare the whole time. Leo just watches with an unimpressed stare. When Casey is finally free, he sits on the edge of the bed for a moment, and Raph can already tell he’s about to say something snarky.

“You said you would kick me out.” Casey says. “With what foot?” He motions at Leo’s feet and crutches.

Leo lets out a scoff. “Casey. I am a highly trained ninja master. Do you really want to find out what I’m capable of, even with a bum leg?”

Casey grins. “Yeah, I kind of do.” 

Raph shoves his boyfriend then, huffing. It hurts his ribs to reach that far and to shove, and Casey nearly tumbles to the floor. 

“Hey!” Casey complains, catching his balance and whirling around to send Raph a glare. “What what that?!”

Raph tries to muffle the grin on his face. “You’re being difficult.” 

Casey grumbles slightly, crossing his arms. “Fine. No goodbye kiss for you.” He tilts his head up and turns in a pompous gesture, and then starts to walk away.

“Wha- wait-“ Raph flushes, now regretting his actions. He hadn’t considered missing a goodbye kiss.

Casey glances back over his shoulder. And then he seems to cave, because he rushes over and leans in to press a big kiss to Raph’s cheek. 

“ Mmmmwah !” He hums, and then quickly scurries off before Leo gets more agitated, waving his goodbyes with a silly grin. 

And then it’s just Leo. And Raph hates the disappointed look on his face. 

Raph rubs at his eyes, and releases a big huff despite the soreness of his ribs. “I don’t want to hear it Leo.” He grumbles.

Leo doesn’t say anything. Instead he comes closer and sits down in the chair that Casey had been in when Raphael first woke up. He seems to be chewing on something to say.

Finally he sighs, and runs his hand over his head. “You know, I want to be really mad at you for what you did. But I can’t. Because I would have done the exact same thing. And I can’t blame you for that. And I know making you promise me that you’ll never do it again isn’t realistic, because you will anyways. So I guess…I guess all I have to say to you is thank you. And you’re also an idiot.” Leo’s lips quirk up slightly with the last line.

Raph scoffs, and then winces. “Thanks.” He says roughly. 

Leo reaches out and pats Raph on the thigh, in a spot where it doesn’t hurt. 

“How are you feeling? Donnie says you’re pretty banged up but looking good.” 

Raph huffs. “Like I fought off 50 foot soldiers all at once.” 

Leo chuckles. “Right. Of course.” 

“How’s you leg?”

Leo waves him off. “I’m fine. Donnie is making a bigger fuss about it than he should be. It barely hurts.”

Raph knows his brother well enough to know that’s a partial lie. But he decides to let Leo get away with it, because he’s suddenly really tired, a yawn taking over. 

“It’s late. You should probably get back to rest.” Leo says suddenly, sitting up. 

Raph just nods, and tries to scooch himself into a more comfortable position. It hurts, but he doesn’t really care. He’s out before he knows it.

- - - - -

The worst part about healing your shell is being restricted to the lair for a considerably long time. The other worst part is the physical therapy that Donnie puts you through. Sure, swimming is a big part of being a turtle, but when your whole body hurts and your brother is making you work muscles that don’t feel ready yet, it’s not as fun as a swimming trip should be. 

The nice part, which Raph will never admit, is being dotted over. Sure, he plays a terrible patient, but he secretly enjoys his brothers taking up chores for him, or making him breakfast, or throwing him blankets to keep his body temperature warm. Mikey hovers almost more than Donnie does. And Raph has tried to find some way to make it up to him for the blood transfusion. Mikey of course waves it off like it’s absolutely nothing; Raph realizes he’d do the same for any of his brothers in a heartbeat, no questions asked. But he’s still thankful anyway. He hopes that letting Mikey talk his ear off about his pizza boy crush is enough payback. 

The other nice part is all the basking he’s allowed to get away with. Donnie lets him drain the generator’s battery for longer than normal to run the massive heat lamp that’s almost always in use. Raph gets to hog it all, because vitamin D helps regrow shells or something. 

He’s dozing in and out of sleep, splayed out on his plastron, nice and warm under the heating glare of the lamp. Until suddenly there’s a body plopping down next to him. He suspects it’s Mikey, who’s come to steal his precious rays, and pops open his mouth to give him a growl. Instead a hand gently brushes the back of his head, and he inhales the smell of Casey . 

“Heya Raphie baby.” Casey hums, leaning down to peck the back of his head. Raph feels his body melt into the floor.

“What time is it?” He grunts.

“4pm.” Casey says.

Raph frowns. “What? shouldn’t you have practice?”

“Coach gave us the day off.”

Raph can’t really complain about that. 

Casey’s hand slides over Raph’s shell, faintly  tracing the parts that are still healing. Some of his scutes have started to shed as his injuries are healing, and it makes his shell feel tender and itchy. He flinches when Casey grazes over a sensitive spot. 

“Does it still hurt?” He whispers, hand pulling away.

Raph puffs. “Donnie says my ribs are probably still mending. Shell is healing. I’m kind of shedding. Just, kind of tender.”

Casey places a gentle kiss to one particularly rough spot in his shell. And then he lays down on his back next to him, head turning to look at him. Raph shifts his arm out of the way so he can see him better. Casey gives him a warm smile that has heat rising to Raph’s cheeks. 

“Mind if I hang? It’s nice and warm.” 

Raph feels his heart quicken, but he nods. Casey reaches to grab his hand, and then closes his eyes, sighing softly. Raph can’t help but feel a silly amount of giddiness. He can’t really believe this guy is his. Sometimes he feels crazy when he thinks about it, that someone could like him as much as Casey seems to. 

When Casey eventually opens his eyes, he gets a funny look on his face. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Raph flushes. “This is a turtle thing.” He whispers.

Casey smiles. “Oh really?” 

Raphael nods. “Basking together.”

“Is that what we’re doing?” Casey asks. “I thought maybe you just liked the warmth, being a reptile and all.”  

Raph snorts. “That’s literally what basking is for.”

Casey grins. “Well. I know another way to warm you up.” He winks.

Raph feels hot in the face at that suggestion. “Oh?”

Casey hums, scooting over to slide up next to him, throwing a leg over the back of Raph’s thighs and an arm over the top of his shell. He leans in to kiss him. It’s an awkward angle, considering their cheeks are pressed to the mat below them, but Raph is warmed by it anyway. He decides he can sacrifice a little bit of his comfort, and shifts to lift himself up just slightly. Casey hums, pecking his lips and pressing closer.

Heat races through his shell when Casey squeezes at the back of neck, lips slipping against his. 

And then his hand bumps a shedding scute that is far too sensitive, and it has Raph jerking away with a jolt. 

“I’m sorry- I didn’t mean to-“

“It’s okay, it’s just- my shell is sensitive right now.” He reaches back to feel at the scute. He usually likes to scratch and pick at them whenever he’s going through a shed, but with healing gashes in his shell that’s proven a little more painful. It doesn’t help that he can’t see back there. 

Casey seems to notice. “Is there…a way I can help? It looks itchy.” 

Raph pauses. The only one who he’s ever let help him shed is Donnie, on rare occasions where a scute was too stubborn to come off and his brother voiced his worries. Or when he was really little, and Splinter tried to help him. 

And suddenly he’s hit with an insecurity that he never really felt before. He doesn’t usually care about how “presentable” he is. He knows he’s a giant turtle monster, and a few stray flakey scutes on his shell aren’t all that obvious or noticeable in the grand scheme of things. But now here’s Casey, who he actually really cares about, and wants to look good for. And his shell is a complete mess right now. 

Is this what normal teenagers feel like when they have a bad acne breakout? Or a really bad hair day?

Casey seems to catch his reluctance. “Or not- I just, they seem uncomfortable. Just- nevermind.”

And then Raph realizes that he’s being ridiculous. It’s been at least a week since his shell has started shedding like this, and Casey hasn’t seemed off-put by it at all. And it’s probably not even the first time he’s seen him shed. 

“Sorry I uh-“ Raph swallows, “That would…that would actually be nice.” 

Casey smiles, and scoots closer. “Show me how.” 

They spend probably fifteen minutes sitting under the basking lamp, Casey gently scratching at his shell and picking off scutes that are barely hanging on. He splays kisses across the brand new ones. It makes Raph feel all kinds of fuzzy. This feels like another turtle thing, but he’s pretty sure turtles don’t do this in the wild; they don’t have the dexterity to help pick off stuck shed from each other. So maybe this is like…a mutant turtle thing. It just feels special. 

Donnie stops by at one point to check on him, and immediately jumps in to correct Casey. Suddenly he’s pulling out a toothbrush and soap and ointments and lotions. 

“See how this one is already peeling? But it’s stuck here? Usually you’d leave this. But since his shell is healing we’ll clip it so it doesn’t irritate him more.” Donnie says, snipping at pieces of flaking scutes that Raph can’t see. 

Casey gently scratches at the revealed scutes underneath with the toothbrush, which is an absolutely heavenly feeling. Raph nearly moans. Donnie shows Casey how to apply the lotions and ointments to help the new scutes grow and the gashes heal, and then he finally seems to realize he’s interrupted an important moment between them and takes his leave. 

“Finally he’s gone. I didn’t think he’d ever stop talking.” Raph groans. 

Casey laughs, gently rubbing oil into the newly growing scutes, and scratching gently with the toothbrush at the old ones. This is a level of pampering that Raph is certainly not used to, but he absolutely cannot complain. Casey continues to litter small kisses to his shell, and hum softly as he works. 

“Thank you.” Raph whispers after a while, realizing Casey’s probably bored of this by now.

“Of course. This is actually kind of satisfying. It’s kind of like picking off shedding skin when you get a bad sunburn. And your new shell underneath is so pretty.” Casey comments, which makes Raph feel red in the face.

“You…think my shell is pretty?”

“Yeah. It’s got these yellow bands in it. It’s really cool. Some of them almost look orange.”

Raph really hasn’t seen his shell up close. The closest he’s gotten is staring at his brothers. He supposes he’s never really taken notice of the patterns of their shells.

When Casey is done he slaps on some bandages over the worst of the gashes to keep the ointment on, and then drags Raph up to his feet. His legs feel like jello, but Casey flicks off the heat lamp and drags Raph back to his bedroom. He leaves the door open behind them, as is Splinter’s rule.

“You still cold? Cause cuddles sound really good right now.” Casey grins, plopping down on Raph’s bed and tugging him along. 

Raph does feel cold after leaving the warmth of the heat lamp, so he’s definitely not going to complain if Casey offers to be his personal heater for a little bit. He lays down on his bed, and starts trying to situate the many pillows he’s started to sleep with to keep his shell supported properly. Casey jumps in, tucking pillows behind him to keep him slightly on his side. And then finally he yanks a blanket off the end of the bed and pulls it over them as he settles in against Raph’s plastron.

Raph sighs, the giddy warmth fluttering in his chest. 

Casey pecks his cheek, and then his other cheek, and his nose and then eyelids. It makes Raph feel like he’s floating. 

“You’re adorable, you know that?” Casey grins. “Who would have thought that big ol’ Raphie would be such a cuddle bug.” 

Raph chuckles. “Don’t get it twisted- I only like you for your warmth.” 

Casey laughs, something high pitched. And then he dips in to kiss at his jaw, mouth skating up towards his ear. “I’m pretty sure I can prove you wrong.” He whispers.

It immediately sends shivers down Raph’s spine and heat to his cheeks. “Oh?”

Casey hums. “Mhm.” And then he licks a small stripe on Raph’s cheek that has him squealing and pulling away. Casey laughs a big bright laugh, toothy smile shining. 

Raph gladly accepts the heated kiss that follows, body melting into the pillows beneath him. 

- - - - -

When Donnie finally gives him the all clear that he’s healed enough to leave what he’s dubbed his “prison”, Casey is the first to drag him out of the lair. Leo puts up quite the protest, but Casey manages to convince him that they’ll be fine by themselves for just one night, and that they won’t stray far.

Raph can tell by the lilt in his voice that Casey is fibbing, and he’s pretty sure Leo knows it. But his brother seems to let them go anyway. 

As terrible as the streets of New York City smell, and how polluted the air is, it’s exponentially better than in the abandoned train stations and sewers. The moment they’re topside, he breathes in deep, and only feels a little twinge in his ribs. The stars are bright despite the city lights, and a half moon hangs high in the sky. It’s been a well missed sight. The breeze almost feels cold on his skin, after he’s been huddled down in that bunker of a home for so long, basking and curled up in blankets.

Raph is a little dramatic as he drinks it all in. He hasn’t been completely forced under the ground for two months; his brothers have let him out a few times, just for some fresh air. But he’s been denied the ability to roam and explore, or patrol. He’s been itching to escape, but Splinter has kept a tight watch on him. 

“Let’s go patrol. I’ve been absolutely dying to run around and maybe kick some ass,” he huffs after a moment, turning to Casey with a grin. 

Casey’s reaction completely surprises him. He's just as much an adrenaline junkie as Raph is. Usually his boyfriend is all in for a rogue mission. 

“No.” He says. And then suddenly looks nervous. “I uh. I kind of had something else in mind.” 

Raph frowns. “What?” And then he thinks maybe Casey has something special planned for his first night free out of the lair. He gasps. “Do you have intel on the foot? Are we going on a special spy mission?” Oh, boy, that’s so exciting- Casey knows him so well-

“No, no there’s- there’s no mission, you goof.” Casey huffs.

Raph deflates. “Oh.”

Casey rolls his eyes. “Just- follow me.” He says, and then grabs his hand to drag him down an alleyway.

They skip their way across rooftops, and Raph is a little alarmed to find how out of shape he’s gotten. He won’t admit it, but maybe it is a good thing they aren't going after bad guys tonight.

After several blocks of roof hopping, Casey leads him back down to the streets, and they take a few more alleyways. Eventually they come to a public park that’s absolutely packed. Casey starts up a ladder, and then turns and tells him to wait. Raph huffs, and slinks into the shadows to wait as people pass the alleyway.

Finally Casey pops his head over the edge of the roof to hiss down at him. 

“Come up!” He whisper-shouts down to him.  

Raph quickly scales up the ladder escape,  and then pauses as he reaches the top and sees what’s waiting for him.

Casey is sat in the middle of a large picnic blanket, with a few extra blankets and pillows. And Raph smells pizza, and sees what looks like a wine bottle.  And there’s lit candles . 

“What…what is this?” Raph whispers.

Casey suddenly seems uncharacteristically shy. “It’s uh…this is a date.” 

Raph blinks. And then Casey starts to ramble nervously.

“I know when we first got together you were afraid we wouldn’t be able to do stuff like this and I told you that was okay, and that we’d figure things out and I meant that, but then I got busy with the hockey season and then you got hurt and I just- I realized we’ve never actually gone on a date and then I learned that they’re showing a movie in the park tonight and I figured maybe I could convince Donnie to give you the a-okay to leave finally and that maybe we could have a nice evening and watch the movie and- and I know this isn’t much, god this probably really cheesy and terrible, what was I thinking-“

Raph steps in then to cut him off. “Casey.”

“I- yes?”

“This is perfect.”

Casey starts to smile, and it makes Raph’s heart absolutely melt. “Really?”

“Yes. This is- this is perfect.” He repeats, taking a seat next to him on the blanket. 

Casey flushes, and runs a hand through his hair. He recently got it cut a couple days ago. He's gone with a long wolf cut, which really fits him. It looks messy but in a perfectly effortless way that suits him so well. And ever since he's got it Raph’s been kind of obsessed with how good it looks on him. 

Raphael is suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to kiss him, heart absolutely aching from how much he cares about this boy. 

“I got us Pizza,” Casey says, shifting forward before Raph can lean in or make a move. He opens the pizza box, and Raph is delighted to see a loaded meat-lovers with barbecue sauce. “Here, take a slice. Are you hungry? I also got strawberries and- oh shit I didn’t bring cups. How could I forget cups. Oh my god-“

“Casey.” 

“This is ridiculous. I’m ridiculous. How are we supposed to drink this champagne now-“ 

Raph reaches to grab his wrist, and Casey finally pauses, turning to look at him. Raph cups his cheek, and leans in to seal his lips.

“Stop worrying. This is perfect.” He breathes against his mouth when he pulls away.

When he leans back Casey has a dusting of a blush on his cheeks. 

“Also, how the hell did you get champagne ?” Raph picks up the bottle to inspect it.

“Uh- I might have snagged it from my dad’s liquor cabinet.” 

Raph scoffs. “You rascal.” 

Casey grins bright. 

Suddenly the lights in the park dim, and the Universal Studios opening lights up a large white sheet that’s been set up. 

“What movie are we watching?”

“Uh- I think it’s Back to the Future.” 

“Never heard of it.”

“ What !” Casey squeals, “are you kidding ?”

Raph shrugs, grabbing a slice of pizza and chowing down. He scoots to sit pressed against him, and Casey throws a leg into his lap, grabbing his own slice. 

“What’s this movie even about?” Raph asks.

“Time travel!” Casey says with a mouth full of pizza. 

Raph humfs, and watches the opening scene. The music track is pretty good. He recognizes some of the songs from a Walkman Donnie scavenged with popular 80s music on it. And the idea seems interesting so far. 

Casey pops open the champagne bottle after they get two slices of pizza in, and they take turns sipping from it. Raph really doesn’t like the taste, but the bubbles are fun and it feels like something special, so he drinks it anyway. 

Casey is more engrossed in the movie that he is. Raph isn’t sure when he stops paying so much attention to the screen, but he finds himself watching Casey instead. Adoring the way his mouth curves when he smiles, or the sound of his laughter when something funny happens on the screen.

And he looks gorgeous in the moonlight. The slope of his nose, the rosy tint to his cheeks and lips as he downs more champagne. The soft warm flickers of candlelight that dance on his skin. The way his big brown eyes sparkle as he watches the movie. The softness in the way his long dark lashes brush his skin when he blinks. The sweep of his hair over his shoulder. 

There's a couple times where Raph gets carried away in his thoughts and reaches out to softly thumb over the height of his cheek. Casey turns to him and smiles big, leaning in to kiss the pad of his thumb before looking back to watch the movie. 

 How did Raphael get this lucky? So much in his life has gone so perfectly right in the past few months. Casey is so amazing. He’s handsome, and hot, and gorgeous in this way that makes Raph’s heart flutter in his chest. And his smile feels like the warmth of a hundred suns. And the way he takes care of Raphael, in the simplest ways. Like hugging him when he’s feeling down, or helping get off stuck shed, or playing video games with him when he feels too cooped up in the lair. Just- all these things that make Raphael feel wanted, and not like a monster. 

Not to mention all of this . Setting up a date, and proving to Raphael that they can do this. That just because he’s a mutant turtle, doesn’t mean he can’t be in a relationship with someone. That there are ways for this to work. That it’s not impossible. And that they can be happy .

Casey yawns at one point, and shifts to lean back against Raph’s chest. Raph takes a deep breath, warmth feeling like it’s spilling through him in waves. He feels a little fuzzy on the edges. He blames the champagne.

He stares up at the stars. And he’s suddenly struck with a memory from long ago. From that night when Casey showed up with a black eye, and a poor excuse. And then proceeded to ask if Raph had ever loved someone.

And Raph was terrified to realize that he probably loves Casey.

And now, he looks down at the boy leaned against his chest, and he’s struck all over again the realization. And this time it makes him feel light headed.

The way he feels about Casey isn’t a constant ache anymore. It’s not threatening to break everything he’s built. The way he feels about Casey feels solid, a heavy but reassuring weight in his chest. Something that grounds him. Makes him feel stronger, and simultaneously scared shitless at its intensity. It’s strong in a way he can’t place, but he knows it is important. His soul feels tied to that crooked smile and those big brown eyes. He has become just as much a part of him as anything else important in his life. 

That has to be love. That’s the only way Raph can possibly describe it.

“I love you.” And it feels right.

Casey freezes, and then he pulls away to turn and look at him. And Raphael is hit with the sudden clarity that he just said that out loud . 

“I- uh- I mean-“ he fumbles, suddenly terrified. 

He totally just fucked this up. 

He promised himself he wouldn’t do something like this. Say or do something that would make Casey feel like he needed to stay. Because Raphael is pretty sure this whole thing they have going is temporary.  That’s the only way he’s been able to rationalize their whole relationship, and the fact that Casey actually likes him. From the start, he told himself that yeah, okay , maybe Casey does like him. Maybe Raphael did actually get that lucky. But he can’t possibly be lucky enough that Casey likes him enough to want to be together for like, forever or something. This is probably just a casual thing. Something to do because having someone to kiss and flirt and hang out with is fun . This isn’t like, serious or anything. 

And now Raphael just fucked up by making it clear that he’s actually really serious about this. 

He’s such an idiot . His stomach feels sick.

What on Earth are the chances Casey feels the same way? Raphael is asking too much for that, he knows. The universe is only so kind, and there is only so much luck one mutant turtle can have. Casey liking him back and wanting to be with him is already asking a lot. Love is something else entirely. Something Raphael isn’t good enough to have. Raphael has gotten too greedy. And now he’s for sure pushed this too far.

“I’m so sorry,” he says immediately, trying to fix this even if it’s already broken. “I’m sorry, please don’t be mad.” 

Casey frowns, and Raph feels worse. Maybe he can pretend he didn’t mean it?

“I- I didn’t mean that. I just- I’m joking! Haha, that was a joke. I’m totally unserious about this. We are like, so chill. We’re cool. We uh- we’ve both been drinking I’m just tipsy, haha, didn’t mean that at all. I’m so sorry.”

Casey looks confused now. His mouth opens, and Raphael is suddenly terrified of what he might say. He's back to the two of them on the roof as he waits for Casey to absolutely crush his heart into pieces.

“Please- please don’t say anything, I can’t- it’s okay. We’re okay. This is fine, Casey. Please don’t say anything. Like, okay, maybe I do love you but it’s not a big deal we can still be casual that’s totally fine, I know you don’t feel the same and you don’t have to love me back or anything, we can just pretend I never said anything. That’s probably for the best, let’s just prete-“

Casey suddenly grabs his face, and smashes his lips against him, catching him off guard mid-word. Casey kisses him hard . He shifts to straddle Raph’s lap, hands sliding across his shell to hug him close, one hand slipping to squeeze hard at the back of his neck, and then cup his cheek. It’s a lot, so much that Raphael kind of forgets to breathe, and has to break away for air. 

“Why on Earth would I be mad about you loving me? Don’t be sorry about that. Don’t ever be sorry for that.” Casey says, and his voice almost sounds rough as he speaks, and Raphael realizes there’s tears welling up in his eyes.

“Casey-“ he breathes, heart beating erratically in his chest. “I- please don’t cry.”

Casey scoffs. “Are you kidding? I’ll cry if I want to. You love me. Do you know how upset I am that you think that I don’t love you back ? Raphael I love you to the moon and back. I’ve loved you for a while now. And I’m so sorry that I’ve apparently led you to believe that I didn’t . That you thought we were just- God - Raphael .” 

Casey kisses him again, and this time it’s overwhelming. Raphael feels like he’s seeing stars, like the first time Casey kissed him. There’s so much passion in this kiss, the way Casey presses against him, and holds his cheeks as his mouth moves against him. 

Casey suddenly breaks away to gasp it against his lips, “ I love you I love you I love you. ” 

Raphael’s brain isn’t really processing this. His heart is hammering away, and his chest feels so fluttery that he might puke, but it doesn’t seem to be clicking in his head. Casey loving him back? What does that even mean ?

Casey crashes his mouth back to his, moving like a hungry tide. His hands can’t seem to decide where they want to stay, roaming across his shoulders, and then his shell, and then pressing against his plastron, and then squeezing at his neck, and cupping his cheeks. Raphael hugs him tight, and tastes the tears on Casey’s lips. 

“You love me.” He breaks away to gasp.

“Yes,” Casey gasps, nodding frantically. “I love you so much.” 

Raphael blinks, and then suddenly it crashes into him. 

Oh .  

And now he’s in tears. 

Casey loves him. Actually loves him. Which means- means this is so incredibly real, the thing they have going here. It’s serious. And Casey actually likes him- no, loves him. Raphael isn’t too much of a monster. He’s still lovable. 

“Oh.” He chokes out. Casey kisses the tears from his cheeks. “ Oh .” And Raph hides his face in Casey’s neck, squeezing him so incredibly tight. 

The giddy warmth in his chest is overwhelming. There’s a massive relief rolling off his shoulders, something he had no idea he was even holding there. It’s so much. He sobs, gasping against Casey’s skin. Casey holds him so incredibly tight, clutching him like at any second he could lose him. 

Raphael is loveable. He’s not a monster. Casey loves him. 

Casey hushes his cries, rubbing his shell. When Raph’s tears finally end, all he can do is smile so hard his face hurts.

“You love me.” He repeats.

“Yes, Yes I love you so much.” Casey says.

“I love you.” Raph breathes.

Casey cracks a giant smile, nodding. And suddenly they’re both giggling, and then laughing. So hard they can’t breathe. Raphael has never felt this level of elation in his life. He feels like he’s on the sun. 

Suddenly Casey hiccups, which only makes them laugh more, foreheads pressed together. 

When they finally calm down enough to catch their breath, the movie is over. Raphael really doesn’t want to leave yet. This moment is too happy to leave behind. 

Casey smiles as he leans in to kiss him, and Raph can’t help the turtle tail wag. It’s all smiles and wet giggles. Casey scoots impossibly closer on his lap, legs hooking around Raph’s hips, and dips to splay kisses against his jaw and neck. 

Raph stares up at the sky and thanks his lucky stars. 

-

It’s late when they sneak back into the lair. Casey is clearly a little tipsy from drinking half that bottle of champagne, and Raph would be lying if he said he didn’t feel it a little bit too. Casey leans against his shoulder, holding on tight as they slink into the living space, trying to stick to the shadows.

Raph hears whispers coming from the kitchen, and he tries to sneak a peek as they try to scoot past. It’s Donnie and April. They’re pretty close, and April is holding one of his hands. Both of them jolt and look up when Raph tries to shuffle by. 

“Uh- you didn’t see us.” Raph says.

“And we were never here.” Donnie nods, motioning with his head at April.

Raph gives a little salute, and Casey giggles, trailing after him with a hiccup as Raph drags him down the hall.

As they pass Mikey’s room Raph hears his brother release a giggle. Raph ducks for the shadows, but then realizes that Mikey is probably distracted chatting to the pizza boy on the phone; something he’s been doing a lot lately. That is confirmed when he hears Mikey’s next comment, which Raphael really wishes he didn’t hear.

Raph quickly closes his bedroom door behind them when they get inside, and Casey releases a loud giggle that Raph has to shush him for.

“Quiet, my dad might hear you!” He hisses.

Casey slaps a hand over his mouth, and then pulls it away to reveal a giant smile. He leans up to kiss Raph’s lips. 

“Cuddle me.” He whispers, arms wrapping around Raph’s shoulders. 

Raph grunts, picking him up by the thighs and hauling him over to the bed. They plop down with an oof, and Casey giggles. Raph shifts to not crush him, and Casey curls into his chest, pressing kisses wherever he can. It makes Raph’s heart flutter. 

“Love you.” Casey murmurs. 

“I love you too.”