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Chapter Text

Bowser had thought Peach was acting strange during his most recent kidnapping, and he didn’t know why until he heard from one of his spies.

“Your highness, we’ve received word that there is still a Princess Peach back in the Mushroom Kingdom,” one of his shy-guys explained. “She has been discussing with Mario how to rescue a so-called ‘Luigi.’”

Bowser frowned, then roared in disgust once he realized what his spy was indicating. He had been tricked! Those bozos back at the Mushroom Kingdom were laughing at him! Well, two can play at that game.

King Bowser decided then and there that he’d keep up the pretense that he didn’t know Luigi was Princess Peach. Just to watch the little guy squirm. And to add insult to injury, he was going to make the trip to his castle much more difficult for Mario. Serves them right for trying to make him look the fool.

“Good evening, Princess Peach,” Bowser said. “I hope you’ve been enjoying your stay so far.” He sat at the head of the dining table, with Luigi sitting on his right. Bowser wore his usual outfit of spiky bracelets and a choker, whereas Luigi wore the signature pink dress of the princess. He covered his mustache with a white face mask (he told everyone he “had a cold” when he first arrived).

Bowser’s eight children sat further down, digging into their food or chatting about how their day went. Only a few people knew that Luigi wasn’t the princess. Bowser’s children hadn’t been told anything; they were the worst at keeping secrets.

Luigi didn’t respond to Bowser’s inquiry. Bowser cleared his throat. “Are you listening, Princess?”

Luigi jolted. “What, o-oh, yes, that’s me. The princess. W-what did you ask?”

Bowser rolled his eyes. Even without his spy, he would’ve figured out Luigi wasn’t the real thing easily. His high pitched voice was spot on in imitating Peach, though. “I asked you how you’re enjoying your stay.”

“Oh! Yes. It’s… quite lovely.”

“And the food? Is it to your liking?”

“Yes. I’ve never had anything like it.”

“But you have it every time I kidnap you. It’s your favorite dish.” That wasn’t true, but Bowser wanted to see how he would react.

Luigi paled. “O-oh! I, uh, meant it has never tasted this good! Did your chef add something new…?”

“Nope.”

“Oh… well, maybe it’s just the cold affecting my taste buds.”

Bowser grinned impishly. “I see.” He watched Luigi carefully lift the mask from the bottom side and spoon food into his mouth. Honestly, it was kind of impressive that he didn’t get any sauce on the inside of his mask.

“Papa!” Bowser Jr. called from the other end of the table.

“Yes?”

“Can we play games after dinner?”

Bowser contemplated. He did have some paperwork he needed to do… but he also had a hard time saying “no” when his kids were involved. “Sure, I don’t see why not. And let’s have Mama Peach join us, too. Is that fine with you kiddos?”

“YAY!”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Yeah!”

The koopalings cheered, and Bowser watched Luigi’s eyes widen in fear. Bowser grinned. This was going to be fun.

The group played “Scum,” a card game where you wanted to get rid of your hand first. Bowser half expected Luigi to be scum or the last person out of cards the entire time, but he just kept… winning.

“What!? No fair!” Junior cried. “How come you’re so good?!”

“Indeed!” Ludwig, Bowser’s musically gifted and blue-haired child, agreed. “You normally suck at card games.”

Luigi paled. “O-oh! Uh, I got sick of losing and learned a thing or two from Mario and Luigi.”

Bowser raised an eyebrow. Was this guy cheating? Or just extremely lucky?

Junior was scum for the round, so it was his turn to shuffle the deck and hand out cards. Only… he stunk at shuffling.

“Oh! Let me help,” Luigi said. He reached over and grabbed the large deck with his gloved hands. Then he shuffled the deck like some crazy magician: cards were flying into the air, being shot across one hand to the other like a card-made accordion, or just plain shuffled at fast speeds.

All the koopas at the game table stared at Luigi in awe. Luigi finished his shuffling and handed the deck back to Junior. He flinched as he realized they were staring at him with slack jaws, and his nervous air returned.

“Uh, that was also a trick or two I learned from the Mario Bros. They, uh, love to gamble!”
Bowser blinked in surprise. Where had that confident Luigi sprung from? He thought this guy only knew how to cower or cry.

“Well, Junior, get on with it,” Bowser said.

Junior jolted and picked up the deck of cards, slowly handing out enough for everyone.

Chapter Text

Luigi stared at the wig in his hands. How long could he keep this up? He’d been at Bowser’s castle for three days now, with no sign of Mario or Peach anywhere. What was going to happen when Bowser figured out his ruse? Would he be boiled alive? Or thrown in the dungeon to rot?

His whole body shook as his mind spiraled through all the possibilities.

Then came a knock to his bedroom door—erm, Peach’s door. He carefully hid all his brown hair in the wig and put on his cloth face mask. Luckily, Bowser had a closet full of Peach’s dresses, so he wouldn’t have to clean the same one over and over again. And he had brought a few different face masks in case his broke. The same couldn’t be said for his wig. “Coming!” he called with a high-pitched voice. He opened the door to see Bowser Junior standing in front of him.

“Hiya Mama!” Junior said. He jumped onto Luigi, who barely managed to stay upright. He quickly adjusted his wig when he felt it slipping off.

“Hello, Junior. What can I do for you?”

“I want you to play with me!”

“Oh, uh, are you sure your father will be okay with that?”

“Eh, he probably won’t like it. But he’s too busy working to do anything about it. So let’s play!” Junior slipped out of Luigi’s arms and tugged Luigi’s hand down the hall. Luigi kept up, wondering how undignified he looked as they passed by guards at their posts.

They ended up in Junior’s bedroom, where a ton of toys, drawings, and spilled snacks were scattered all over the floor. And was that a red stain under his bed? Luigi paled at the sight.

“Come on!” Junior tried to tug him inside, but Luigi stood his ground.

“Sorry, Junior, but…”

“What? What is it?” Junior turned and gave him an impatient pout.

“Uh… well… Your room… it’s a little too messy for me to play in comfortably.” There was a strange stench wafting into Luigi’s nose.

Junior glanced behind him at his pigsty of a room, then back at Luigi. He huffed. “I’m the Prince of the Koopas! I can have as messy of a room as I want. Plus, Kamek will just clean it for me later anyways.” He tried to get Luigi to move, but Luigi pulled his hands from Junior’s.

“I’m sorry, Junior, but a princess like me can’t play in such conditions.” Heh, at least pretending to be the princess had some perks.

“What? Why not!?”

“Back in my kingdom, royalty take care of their own messes, otherwise, they’re not a good example for their people.”

“What!? That’s dumb! And sounds like a lot of work!”

“Well, how else do you expect people to work hard if you yourself don’t believe in working hard?”

Junior frowned. Then his eyebrows scrunched up as he mulled it over.

“Look, how about this? I’ll help you clean, but next time, you’ve got to do it all by yourself.”

Junior sighed, then nodded. He got to work, and Luigi joined him, following the kid’s directions on where to put things.

In about fifteen minutes, the entire room was sparkling clean. Luigi had even gotten Junior to find him some cleaning supplies, so the strange smell of the place had been replaced by a soft lemon scent.

Junior tossed the last toy into his toy box, then he jumped up in excitement. “Okay, now can we play together!?” His tail wagged hard enough that his whole body was shaking.

Luigi laughed, a genuine one that he forgot to keep high-pitched. “Sure, Junior. What would you like to do?”

“Dad! Dad!”

Bowser looked up from his paperwork, setting his glasses aside. “Yes, Junior?”

“Look at what I learned!” Junior climbed onto Bowser’s desk, his feet stepping on Bowser’s important documents. Bowser growled at him to watch his step, before he was distracted by the beautiful arc of Junior shuffling a deck in midair.

“Isn’t it cool?” Junior cried. He tossed a few cards into the air, but he wasn’t fast enough to catch them. “Awww… darn. I still need to work on that one.”

“Where did you learn this?” Bowser smiled, watching his son’s hands move fluidly as he performed another shuffling trick.

“Mama Peach taught me!”

Bowser jolted, though he quickly covered up his surprise with a blank look. Luigi? Teaching his son? Why? “That’s… nice.”

“Yeah! She’s way cooler than she normally is! Plus, she actually agreed to play with me this time!”

“That’s great, son.” Bowser could only wonder what game Luigi was playing. Was he trying to wean information from his kids? Or was he just trying to get in Bowser’s good graces, so when he eventually revealed Luigi’s farce, Bowser would go easy on him?

When night came, Bowser visited each of his children’s rooms to wish them goodnight. When he made it to Junior’s room, his eyes bugged out of his head. The room practically sparkled, not a piece of old food or a stack of toys in sight.

Junior picked out a book from his bookshelf in the corner and hopped onto his bed. Bowser raised an eyebrow at his son.

“Did Kamek clean your room again for you?” Bowser asked. “I told him to stop doing that.”

Junior beamed, his small eyes glittering. “No! I did it with Mama Peach’s help. Aren’t you proud of me, dad? Aren’t you?”

Bowser blinked in surprise. Luigi not only taught his son how to do a card trick, but he got his stubborn youngling to clean his room, too? Peach mostly just hung out in her room when she was kidnapped. Why was Luigi being so proactive?

“I am proud of you, Junior.” Bowser rubbed his face on Junior’s cheek. “Now, let’s see what story you picked out for tonight…”

Chapter Text

Luigi had been walking down a hallway while he was exploring the castle (because apparently Peach was allowed to do that when she was kidnapped???) when he heard a loud clatter.

“Dumb dog! Get out!”

Luigi turned the corner to see a goomba and a red-shelled koopa chasing out a ghost dog from a room. The dog noticed Luigi out of the corner of his eye and barked happily, trotting over. Shoot! Luigi had completely forgotten about Polterpup! He should’ve sent a letter to Mario to tell him to find a dogsitter.

“Oh, uh, nice doggy,” Luigi said, kneeling down to his dog’s level. Best to play dumb for now. However, Polterpup had a different idea: He sat down right by Luigi’s side and wagged his tail. His tongue lolled out of his mouth, and he looked up at Luigi with his wide, blank eyes.

The goomba and the koopa, both wearing chef hats, stomped over to Luigi.

“This your dog?” the goomba growled.

Luigi sputtered, “N-no, uh, he’s not… mine. My f-friend Luigi is his owner.” He stood up,
though he kept an eye on Polterpup.

“Well your friend’s dog just ate through most of our ingredients for dinner!”

The koopa chimed in, “And tonight was to be Master Larry’s favorite dish: pizza.”

Luigi perked up at this. “Pizza? What kind of pizza?”

The goomba shot him an unamused look. “Pepperoni. What else?”

Luigi hummed. “Show me what you’ve got left in your pantry.”

The goomba and koopa shot each other a confused look, but they obliged, likely because he was dressed like Princess Peach. They led him to a huge kitchen, filled with oversized pots and pans, and an oven that made the room feel like lava. Actually, when Luigi peeked inside, he saw that lava sat underneath the oven and provided the heat inside.

Huh. That was… kind of cool.

“The pantry is over here, lady,” the goomba said.

“Oi!” the koopa hissed. “You can’t call Bowser’s future wife ‘lady.’”

The goomba shrugged the koopa off and continued walking to the back of the kitchen. The koopa reached up and opened the pantry door, revealing a mountain of food. Though, Luigi could see a large gap that had a bunch of chewed-through food items left.

“I a-am so sorry,” Luigi apologized. “Luigi must’ve sent Polterpup to cheer me up and probably forgot to feed him.”

“Yeah, yeah. An apology can’t fix this,” the goomba said. “Now, out lady.”

Instead of obliging, Luigi walked past the goomba and got closer to all the ingredients in the pantry. Looked like they had been using pre-made dough. But they had all the ingredients to make the stuff homemade.

Luigi felt his heart swell with excitement. He loved cooking at home, and ever since he showed up here, he missed it.

He turned to face the two chefs with a smile on his face. Though, they probably couldn’t see it because of his mask. “Don’t you worry. I’ll take care of dinner tonight.”

The goomba and koopa raised their eyebrows simultaneously. Then the goomba laughed and said, “Fine, lady. It’s your funeral. You’ll need to serve about triple the servings than normal. These royal koopas have a big appetite. Oh, and dinner needs to be ready in an hour.”

Luigi nodded. Then he gracefully took off his gloves and tossed them behind him onto one of the kitchen counters. He came from a huge Italian family. So he knew what it was like to feed a large group in a time crunch.

“What’s taking Greenie so long?” Bowser grumbled to himself. He was sitting at the dining room table, his eight kids bickering over something he didn’t care to dive into. None of the servants had brought them food yet, so all he could do was wait impatiently.

He was about to call Kamek over, when he heard, “Sorry I’m late everyone.” The group turned to see Luigi walking into the room. Though, he wasn’t wearing gloves. And the ends of his dress were covered in some sort of white substance.

Luigi took a seat next to Bowser, humming quietly to himself. Bowser looked over to see that more of that white stuff was on his eyebrows. What exactly had this guy been up to?

Bowser suddenly didn’t care as a steaming slice of pizza was placed in front of him. It looked different than normal, though. The dough was more fluffy and bubbly, and there were spots of cheese instead of grated cheese spread throughout the slice.

How strange. With a shrug, Bowser took a bite, and the pizza practically melted on his tongue. It. Was. Delicious. He practically inhaled the whole thing. Bowser looked out across the table to see more pizzas with different toppings, ready for his taste buds to try.

“Buonissima!”

Bowser looked over to see Luigi taking a big bite of pizza, half of his face mask removed. He raised an eyebrow as Luigi’s face scrunched up with joy, his mustache twitching. Wait. His mustache?

“Buonissima?” Bowser repeated. He glanced over at his children, but none of them noticed Luigi’s folly. How did this guy expect Bowser not to notice he was Peach the entire time he stayed here? He was so bad at hiding it.

“Hmm?” Luigi muttered. Then his eyes widened, and he covered his mouth with his hands. He swallowed his bite and carefully put the face mask back on. “Oh, uh, that’s a saying I learned from Mario. It means ‘very good’ in Italian.”

“Italian?”

“Yeah. Have you ever heard of Italy? It’s where my, er, their family is from.” Luigi hastily looked away from Bowser.

Bowser tapped the table with his claws. “Is it very far away?”

“Well… I guess? Luigi and Mario came here in a pipe a long time ago. Though, they wouldn’t trade living in this place for back home anyday.”

“And they’ve told you this? They weren’t just saying that to not make you feel bad about being forced to stay?”

Luigi’s face scrunched up. “Well, um, they’ve told me that… their family isn’t really around anymore. And they feel like they fit in best here anyways.”

Bowser blinked in surprise. He… didn’t know that about the Mario Bros. He wondered how long they’ve been without family. And what happened to them.

Then Bowser realized what he was thinking and growled, coming back to himself. What did he care that these idiot plumbers had no family? They were his enemies, and annoying ones at that.

“What’s that white stuff all over you?” Bowser asked, quickly changing the subject.

Luigi raised an eyebrow, then looked down all over himself. He brushed off a cloud of white stuff from Peach’s dress. Bowser couldn’t help but notice how hairy his arms were, now that he wasn’t wearing Peach’s gloves.

“Heh, looks like I missed some flour on the way over here,” Luigi said.

“Flour? Why would you have flour on you?”

Luigi straightened and squeaked, “N-no reason!” He grabbed another slice of pizza from a nearby tray and stacked it on his unfinished slice. “I… I’ll be eating the rest of this in my room.” He hopped out of his chair.

“Leaving without giving me a goodbye kiss?” Bowser crooned. His grin widened at the slow way Luigi turned around. “You always give me a kiss goodnight.”

Luigi’s eyebrows furrowed. Bowser was amazed at how similar Luigi’s look of disgust was to the princess’. “No thanks.” He scurried out of the dining room with the plate in his hands, Bowser chuckling after him.

Chapter Text

The next week, the pizza was back to what it was before. And Bowser found he… didn’t like it. Neither did the other children it seemed, as they took a bite and all had disappointed looks on their faces.

Bowser demanded his chefs come to his side. Hugo, the goomba, and Jacob, the koopa, approached; Hugo showed no emotions on his face, whereas Jacob shook with fear.

“Explain what happened to your old dish!” Bowser growled. “This crap hardly compares!”

Hugo looked over Bowser’s shoulder. Bowser followed his gaze, but all he saw was Luigi sitting there, twiddling his thumbs like usual. Bowser rolled his eyes and glared at Hugo. “Well?”

Hugo took a deep breath and sighed. “We apologize, your majesty. We’ll do better next time.”

“You better.” Bowser let out a plume of smoke from his nose that made the green-shelled Jacob flinch. Jacob scurried away, while Hugo waddled away with a bitter air about him.

Bowser shook his head, then he returned to his meal.

“You owe us big time.”

Luigi flinched. He had just been about to go into Peach’s suite, when he heard a familiar voice behind him. He turned to see the two chefs from earlier, the one Bowser had reprimanded during dinner.

“I’m s-sorry?” Luigi stuttered.

The goomba stomped his foot impatiently. “Sorry ain’t gonna cut it, lady. Come with us.” Then he walked away.

The koopa glanced at Luigi as the two led him to the kitchens. “Look, princess, sorry about my buddy here. He just doesn’t like that someone bested him at cooking. And last minute, too!”

“Can it, Jacob,” the goomba said. “I just want to get this over with as soon as possible.”

“Pfft…” Jacob laughed. “Don’t get your eyebrows knotted together from pouting so hard, Hugo.”

Hugo ignored his fellow chef.

Luigi just watched the exchange nervously behind him, hoping they’d just forget about him so he could go to his room. He was in the middle of reading a koopa gardening book. He didn’t realize there were so many cool plants in the Dark Lands.

They finally reached the kitchens. Luigi followed the two chefs inside. Hugo immediately turned around and hissed, “Teach us how you made that pizza last week.”

Luigi raised an eyebrow. “Oh, uh, sure?”

“Sweet,” Jacob said. He put on an apron, then he tied an apron around Hugo. “Let’s get started.”

By the end of their cooking session, Luigi and the chefs had made five different pizzas: pepperoni, barbecue, spinach alfredo, margherita, and buffalo. Of course, each of these were stuffed to the brim with meat, as Bowser and his children loved their protein.

“Wow, that wasn’t so hard,” Jacob said.

Luigi smiled. “Once you get the hang of the dough, everything else is pretty easy.” He had taught them how to toss up the pizza, along with showing them different ways to prepare pizzas (Chicago style, New York style, etc.).

Jacob showed great enthusiasm throughout the lesson, while Hugo had trudged his way through.

With a sigh, Hugo stepped forward and patted Luigi’s foot, as some sort of hand shake maybe? Because he didn’t have hands? Wait, how did he prepare all the food earlier? “All right, princess. You’ve earned my respect. Feel free to come into this kitchen whenever you like. Just be sure to show us how to make the good stuff, so we don’t get chewed out by Bowser again.”

Luigi raised an eyebrow, his smile widening. “O-oh! Grazie mille!”

The two chefs stared at him in confusion.

He blushed a little. “It, uh, means ‘thanks a million’ in Italian. My f-friend Luigi taught me.”

The chefs nodded. And got to work on cleaning up the kitchen. Luigi offered to help, but Jacob insisted that Luigi did enough already.

“A princess like you doesn’t need to clean up anything,” Jacob reassured, “Plus, Bowser would have my shell if he found out we made you clean.”

Luigi gave them one last smile and left the kitchen. He brushed off flour and food crumbs as he went, feeling exhausted from all that teaching and cooking. He fell asleep as soon as his head hit his pillow.

Chapter Text

“Tell me what you see in that small-brained Mario,” Bowser demanded. He sat in the chair in his private office, with Luigi sitting in a chair across from his desk. The room was filled with books and cabinets. On his desk sat a mountain of paperwork, which he had set aside to talk to Luigi.

Luigi flinched. “H-he’s… uh…”

“Out with it!” Bowser never could get a straight answer from Peach, besides her saying “he’s not a monster” or “he doesn’t kidnap people.” But those aren’t good enough reasons for her not to fall in love with Bowser. So he wondered if she confided the truth to the Mario Bros.

“Mario’s, uh, very kind. And thoughtful.”

“I’m kind and thoughtful.”

Luigi tilted his head. “But… you kidnapped me?”

“So?”

“That’s not kind.”

Bowser let out a huff of smoke. “What?”

Luigi’s whole body trembled. “W-what I mean is, um, people don’t like being taken somewhere against their will. Or forced to be held somewhere.”

“They do if it’s by the King of the Koopas, a.k.a. me.”

Luigi looked away, a furrow in his brow. “N-no. Communication, honesty, and respect make a good relationship. By ignoring someone else’s wishes, you’re showing that you don’t respect them.”

Bowser raised an eyebrow. How the little runt managed to say all that so confidently surprised him. “Communication? I talk with you all the time.” Well, Peach, really.

“And what do I say?”

Now it was Bowser’s turn to furrow his bushy eyebrows. “What?”

“Do you listen when I speak to you? Or are you just trying to get what you want?”

Bowser growled. “I’m a great listener! Don’t insult me!”

“Then stop kidnapping Peach, I mean, me. I don’t like it.”

Bowser spit out a fire ball, right above Luigi’s head. Luigi jolted and covered his face with his hands, though far too late. A few books on Bowser’s bookshelves caught on fire, so Bowser sighed and stomped over to put them out.

Turning Luigi’s chair to face him, Bowser towered over Luigi with his arms crossed. “You should be in love with me, not some stupid idiot in a red hat.”

“Well, I’m not.”

Bowser growled. “Well, eventually you will be.”

Luigi shook his head and said sadly, “No, no I won’t.”

Bowser only calmed down after he set a few more things on fire in his office. He had kicked Luigi out of there an hour ago, yet he still wanted to throttle the guy.

Honesty? Respect? Communication? What a joke. In the Dark Lands, only the strongest survived, and they didn’t need any wussy stuff like that.

Though, he couldn’t stop thinking about what Luigi said Peach liked about Mario: He was kind and thoughtful. Bowser didn’t really think most of the time. That’s because he’d rather be taking action instead of wasting time on dumb plans. And he wasn’t, exactly, the nicest guy. But nice guys were wimps! And girls shouldn’t dig wimps!

Sure, most of his subjects were scared of him. But that was part of being a ruler… Right? Did Peach have to scare her subjects into doing her bidding?

Chapter Text

Trying to keep Polterpup hidden had taken more and more effort on Luigi’s part throughout the week. His dog kept sniffing and growling at things, or slipping out of the room and coming back in with a stolen treat from the kitchen.

No matter how much Luigi scolded him, Polterpup would give him a few licks and Luigi easily forgave him.

On one particular night, Polterpup raced down the halls, barking and beckoning Luigi to follow. They twisted and turned past a bunch of confused guards (there’s no way Bowser wasn’t going to know about his pup now), until they stopped in front of a huge door with a golden emblem of Bowser’s head on it.

Polterpup tugged on Luigi’s sleeve. Luigi held his ground. He had a feeling he knew whose room this was. Before he could turn away, though, Polterpup tugged on the door handle and pushed Luigi inside.

He tumbled onto the floor, his dress twisting around his body until he straightened it. Standing up, he gulped at the sight of Bowser slumbering on the biggest bed Luigi had ever seen. The room was lit by dim torchlight. Bowser’s loud snores rumbled in the room. Reds, blacks, and darker blacks colored the room, just like the rest of the castle.

Luigi noticed a wall of pictures and paintings lined the space above the bed’s headboard. Most of them looked handmade, and he recognized Bowser and his kids in a lot of them.
Polterpup strolled right up to the side of the bed and pointed at Bowser with his nose.

Luigi shook his head and whispered, “No! Out!”

Polterpup twirled around and pointed again. When Luigi didn’t move, he disappeared into the floor and came back with a machine Luigi recognized: his Poltergust 3000. Why did his puppy bring his ghost catching tool here?

Polterpup dropped the device at Luigi’s feet. Then he walked back to Bowser’s bed and pawed the blankets.

Luigi picked up the Poltergust and put it on like a backpack, the straps wrapping around his shoulders. He tiptoed over to Polterpup, ready to snatch him up and make a break for it, when Polterpup sneezed.

Luigi froze, but Bowser already sat up in bed, growling and looking for the source of the noise. Luigi thought he should’ve ducked, but, too late, Bowser’s red eyes landed on him.

“What are you doing in my room!?” Bowser boomed.

“M-my apologies! M-my puppy—I mean, Luigi’s puppy—came in here and—”

“Get out!”

Luigi jolted and nodded, his whole body shaking, but he saw something move behind Bowser’s head. A blue ghost with yellow eyes floated above Bowser’s bed. The ghost grinned and slapped its stomach a few times. Polterpup growled, though he had no teeth to show off.

“Uh, B-bowser…” Luigi stammered. He tried to point behind the King of the Koopas, but Bowser was having none of it.

“Are you deaf!? I said leave!”

The ghost wound up its arm.

Luigi immediately went into action, turning on his Poltergust 3000 and aiming the vacuum nozzle at the ghost.

“What are you—” Bowser cried. He tried to swing at Luigi, but Luigi dodged his swipe and focused on getting the tail of the ghost.

The ghost swung at Bowser, and Bowser grunted in surprise. He glanced behind him and saw the ghost winding up to punch again. Bowser roared and punched the ghost back, well… he tried to. His arm went right through the ghost, and Bowser nearly fell off of the bed.

“A-are you all right?” Luigi shouted over the vacuum noises. He turned on his flashlight.

“Did you do this?!” Bowser shouted back. He straightened himself, glaring at Luigi.

“N-no!” The ghost wasn’t looking at him, so his flashlight wasn’t doing anything. The ghost was looking at Bowser.

“Why do I seriously doubt that!?”

Luigi rolled his eyes and whistled. Polterpup floated over to Luigi’s side and let out a shrill bark. The ghost jumped in surprise and spun around to face Luigi. Luigi flashed the ghost in the face, and it froze. Hopping onto the bed, Luigi put the nozzle of his vacuum right up to the ghost’s tail; the tail caught, and Luigi tugged.

The ghost wailed and tried to escape. Luigi thrashed it around, being mindful of Bowser (who was sitting right next to him) until the ghost was sucked into the Poltergust.

Luigi plopped onto the bed with a sigh, and his dog barked happily from the floor nearby.

Suddenly, Luigi rose into the air. Another ghost?! He looked around himself frantically, until he saw the large, yellow hand of Bowser wrapped around his middle.

“Care to explain what all that was about?” Bowser growled. His mouth wouldn’t stop twitching. Did that mean he was royally pissed?

Luigi gulped. “Well, uh…”

“And why is there a ghost… dog? Thing? In my room. Why didn’t you suck that one up, too?”

“Oh! Uh, that’s Luigi’s dog. He’s a nice pup who stayed by his side in one of his adventures against King Boo.”

Polterpup barked in agreement.

“And that thing on your back?” Bowser let out a puff of smoke onto Luigi’s face.

“Oh! That, uh, also belongs to Luigi. His friend, Professor E. Gadd gave it to him to help him suck up ghosts, since they can’t be defeated otherwise. Looks like Polterpup knew I’d need it, heh.”

Bowser narrowed his eyes. Then he hummed and dropped Luigi unceremoniously onto the bed; Luigi nearly bounced right off.

“You talk about this ‘Luigi’ friend of yours quite a lot. He sounds like a wimp and a loser.” Bowser smirked now.

Luigi blushed. “Well, uh…” He coughed. “While he’s no Mario, he… has his heroic moments.”

“Then how come no one ever talks about him?”

Luigi looked away. “Like I said, he’s no Mario.”

Bowser tilted his head, then let out a belly laugh. “I see. Nearly had me feeling jealous for a moment there.”

For some reason, Luigi felt like there was some joke he wasn’t part of. Bowser was still chuckling to himself when his bedroom door opened.

The gaggle of koopalings stood in the doorway, led by Junior.

“What’s all the ruckus in here?!” Junior cried. Then he spotted Polterpup sitting at the foot of Bowser’s bed. Junior’s eyes lit up with joy, and he screamed, “Doggy!”

The other koopalings’ eyes widened in excitement, until all eight of them were petting a very happy puppy.

“How come you’ve never brought this puppy over before?” Junior asked Luigi.
Luigi looked away from the cute koopa’s angry face and chuckled. “Well, he’s not really mine. He belongs to my friend Luigi.”

“Lameeee…” Junior went right back to rubbing Polterpup’s belly.

To add to the chaos, Kamek strolled into the room, although he looked confused. “Lord Bowser, you—” He eyed the commotion of children petting a puppy and sighed. “Please tell me I don’t have to take care of that.” He met Bowser’s gaze, though he blinked in surprise to see Luigi sitting on Bowser’s bed, too.

“Ah. I hope the children didn’t disturb you two?” Kamek said with a smirk.

Luigi blushed. “Oh, uh, n-no? T-there was a g-ghost…”

Bowser let out a huff of smoke and rolled his eyes. “Can it, Kamek. What did you need from me?”

Kamek straightened, as much as an old koopa like him could. “Oh! Right, sire. Perhaps this would be better discussed in your office.”

Bowser nodded, and he got off his bed. He eyed the children still going wild over Polterpup. “Kids, say ‘thank you’ to Princess Peach for letting you play with the dog. It’s way past your bedtime.”

“Aww… do we have to?”

“Will we get to play with the puppy again?”

“But the doggy is so happy!”

Bowser rolled his eyes. “Say ‘goodnight’ to the ghost dog.”

“U-uh, I’m sure my f-friend wouldn’t mind if you guys hang out with the puppy l-later,” Luigi spoke up. “The doggy loves his b-belly rubs. Though, that’s just if King B-bowser’s okay with it.”

All the koopalings turned and gave Bowser an expectant look, with Junior giving Bowser puppy dog eyes that put Polterpup’s begging to shame. Bowser ran a hand through his hair, his face scrunched up. After a moment, he growled out, “Fine! But only when Princess Peach says it’s okay.”

“Yay!”

“Morton like!”

Bowser held open the door, gesturing for everyone to leave with a hand. They all let out whines, but Bowser held his ground. Luigi followed the koopalings out, though when Bowser wished everyone goodnight, Luigi felt awkward about saying goodnight, too. He probably wasn’t talking to Luigi anyways.

“Come on, Polterpup. Let’s go to bed.” The koopalings kept glancing back at Luigi as he walked behind them. Or were they just longing to pet the dog again? They slowly turned into their respective rooms, with Luigi’s room being the furthest away from Bowser’s room. He entered his room, set Poltergust 3000 on the floor, and fell asleep soundly. Polterpup slept at his feet.

Chapter Text

Luigi opened his bedroom door the next morning to find all eight of the koopalings standing there.

Morton, the biggest of all the koopas, spoke up first, “Where doggy?!” His brown scales and black shell looked like they had been freshly cleaned. Did Kamek make them all bathe every morning?

Luigi laughed and whistled. Polterpup trotted over from his spot on the floor, stretching in front of the koopalings. They all let out an “awww,” and a few of them immediately went to town on petting the pup.

Luigi smiled and walked around the group. Or at least, tried. A hand grabbed his own, and he turned to see Wendy, the koopa with a pink bow on her head, looking at him.

Wendy retracted her hand and crossed her arms. “I’m down a person for our tennis match later today. You in?”

“M-me? Why m-me?” Luigi asked.

Wendy huffed. “Because we need more girl power in this castle! So are you in or not?”

Luigi slowly nodded, having nothing better to do today.

Wendy nodded back, her face always a perpetual frown, and she walked back to the group of koopalings petting a ghost dog.

In the afternoon, Princess Peach and Wendy hit up the tennis courts within the castle. The ceiling had been removed to make way for fresh, volcanic air. Stands were on the sides of the courts, but that was mostly for kingdom-wide tournaments.

Wendy and Princess Peach were playing against Larry and Lemmy. Larry, a blue-haired koopa, was known for being the cheater of the family, so Wendy whispered his tricks to watch out for to the princess. Lemmy, a rainbow-haired koopa, rode on his yellow ball, giving him more height when he hit the ball but not as good of a range.

Wendy observed the princess as the match started. She carried herself a little differently than normal, even ever since she arrived here in the castle.

Normally, Peach just kept to herself. This time, she cheered Wendy on, even if she messed up. She also cheered and high-fived Wendy when they scored on the other team.

Wendy was determined to figure out what was different about her and to somehow copy it. Peach was the only female figure in her life; it’s why she wore all pink.

As the match went on, Wendy couldn’t help but notice more differences with the princess. Peach wasn’t going for her usual lob strategy; instead, it mostly consisted of quick and concise simple shots. But the biggest change of all was Peach switching her racket from her right hand to her left at times. She’s always been a righty.

Was… was this even Princess Peach? King Bowser has been fooled before, but was he dumb enough to be fooled again?

Yes, Wendy’s brain immediately supplied. Hmm… She wondered just what was under that mask of hers.

Peach walked over to the net, reaching her hand over. “Good game, boys. You’ll get us next time!”

Larry and Lemmy eyed Peach with confusion. The Koopa Kingdom didn’t believe in being good sports. Didn’t Peach know that?

Lemmy and Larry hesitantly shook Peach’s gloved hand, before scampering off to cook up more trouble.

Peach turned back to Wendy. “Good game, Wendy!” Peach said, her eyes crinkled at the edges. “You really got the hang of that drop shot by the end there. That was a lot of fun.”

“Right.”

Peach stretched her hand out, and Wendy realized this was her opportunity. Keeping her face neutral, Wendy stepped forward and pretended to trip on her pink heels.

Peach reached her hands out to grab her, and Wendy let herself get caught—but not before swiping at the princess’s face mask on the way down.

Peach straightened Wendy, asking if she was all right, but Wendy’s eyes stared at the princess’s face. Well, the non-princess.

“What? What is it?” the “princess” asked.

Looked like the Mario brother had shaved his mustache off. But Wendy had been fighting these humans for so long, it’d be embarrassing if she couldn’t recognize one of them.

Luigi looked down at the face mask lying on the ground, and his eyes widened. He shot Wendy a nervous smile.

“What’s up with your nose?” Wendy asked.

Luigi froze, then stuttered out, “I-I recently g-got a nose job. D-do you like it?”

Wendy held in a laugh. Man, he really was trying to keep this a secret, wasn’t he? “Um, no. Not really.” Wendy imagined revealing his secret to Bowser, right then and there, but she realized that would only piss Bowser off. Mario was already on his way, why not let him deal with the blow then?

Besides, Luigi… wasn’t bad to hang out with, actually. Peach was always so polite and boring, but Luigi had a few tricks up his sleeve, based on their card game they played when he first arrived. And both him and Peach were great at tennis, so Wendy wasn’t really missing out on much.

“O-oh,” Luigi mumbled. “I g-guess I’ll just have to get it changed back when I return to the Mushroom Kingdom then.” He shot Wendy a sheepish smile.

Wendy found herself smiling back, for some reason.

As soon as Luigi was out of earshot of Wendy, he sighed in relief. Ever since he forgot about his mask that one time he made pizza, he decided to keep his mustache shaved. It was a sacrifice for sure, but he was oh-so glad for it now.

He quickly snuck to his room and put on another mask. He was lucky that Wendy didn’t question him too much, but he forgot how different his nose was to Peach’s. If Bowser saw him without his mask, he’d know he was an imposter for sure.

Luigi was just about to hop onto his bed and get into reading a book, when there came a knock at his door. “Bowser wishes to see you,” a gruff voice said on the other end. “He’s waiting for you in the throne room.”

Luigi sighed and walked out of his room, wondering what Bowser wanted now.

When he walked into the throne room, Bowser sat up straight on his throne. He snapped his fingers, and Kamek appeared next to him, floating on his broomstick.

“Ah! Princess, I hope your day has been going well so far?” Bowser asked.

Luigi nodded, keeping his trembling hands behind his back.

“Excellent. I’ve been thinking about our last deep conversation, about you liking ‘kind’ and ‘thoughtful’ guys. So, I wrote up a list of all the kind and thoughtful things I’ve done for you.” He looked over to Kamek.

Kamek conjured a list with his wand and floated it over to Bowser’s eager hands.

Bowser grinned as Luigi grimaced. “Now, let’s see: I’ve given you an extravagant wedding, flowers, cakes, chocolates, go-karts, dresses, a garden—” Luigi perked up at this. “—shoes, necklaces, rings, a painting of you, a painting of me, a painting of us at our extravagant wedding, money, stained glass using volcanic sand, and the list goes on.” Bowser gestured at the extreme length of the list (it trailed nearly to Luigi’s feet).

He tossed the list back to Kamek, who caught it with his magic.

“So? Wouldn’t you say that’s enough to be wooed by the magnificent me?”

Luigi bit his bottom lip, glad he was wearing the mask. “Um… no?”

Bowser roared. “What?! Why not!?”

Luigi flinched, but pressed on, “I wouldn’t consider those acts of kindness. You’re just… showing off.”

Bowser gritted his teeth. “Those are thoughtful gifts! Pea—er, you should be showering me with kisses!”

“Do you even know what my love language is? Or what my favorite type of gifts are?”

“Love… language?”

Luigi hummed, thinking of the real Peach and what her love language would be. Now that he thought about it, he guessed hers was pretty similar to his. “There are five love languages: touch, quality time, gift giving, service, and words of affirmation. For me, spending quality time makes me the happiest.”

“But we spend quality time together!”

“Being imprisoned without the choice to decide what I want to do with my life isn’t ‘quality time.’”

Bowser growled. “And all the gifts I gave you were your favorites! Don’t tell me you didn’t like them.”

Luigi shrugged. “Whenever you kidnap Peach—er, me, do you see any of them around?”

Bowser narrowed his eyes.

Luigi realized they were getting sidetracked from the main issue. “Look, even if you gave me perfect gifts or took me on the best dates, I still wouldn’t be in love with you. I’m not attracted to you like that. Why can’t you just accept that?”

Bowser let out a plume of flames onto the ceiling. Luigi ducked his head down, feeling the heat despite not being that close by.

Bowser stood up from his throne and stomped over to Luigi. Luigi’s eyes widened, and he took a couple steps away.

Letting out a plume of smoke from his nose, Bowser leaned down to get into Luigi’s face. “A king should marry a princess. That’s just how it is!”

“Why?”

Bowser looked taken aback. “What do you mean why?”

“Why does a king need a princess? You make the rules. So why can’t you just marry whoever you want?”

Bowser stared at him.

Luigi raised an eyebrow, standing his ground, despite how much he wanted to go to his room.

Bowser let out a huff. “Fine. I guess I could break tradition. But by combining my kingdom with the Mushroom Kingdom, I’ll gain resources and land. And a bride I find incredibly attractive.”

“Minus the unwilling bride, you can just form a treaty between the Dark Lands and the Mushroom Kingdom. Just negotiate for what you want.”

Bowser blinked in surprise. “But every time I suggest a treaty, you reject it!”

“Because I’m in your kingdom, held captive. So any discussion will just be seen as a way for you to manipulate me and my kingdom.” Man, Luigi really felt like Princess Peach with all the talk of politics. It… kind of made him want to take a long nap.

“So, you’d be willing to discuss if I just… walk up to your front door?”

“Yes. Without weapons, preferably.”

“But then you could use weapons against us.”

“You’ve captured my kingdom plenty of times. I think we deserve to feel a little safe when you knock on our front door.” Luigi’s eyes drooped further.

Bowser turned away, seemingly in thought.

Luigi let out a yawn. “Look, just think about it, okay?” Then he slipped out of the throne room, before Bowser could interrogate him further.

Chapter Text

Bowser hummed and growled to himself, thinking over Luigi’s words. He had given everything to the princess, and yet, she never returned his affections. Was she really not attracted to him romantically? He had thought all this time that she was just being stubborn, like him. But now that he thought about it… even with all his posturing, she never once smiled at him.

The thought of that made him scowl. He’d give Luigi a piece of his mind. And ask him about more of this “quality time” stuff.

Bowser turned around, only to find Luigi wasn’t in the throne room anymore. How long ago had he left? And how long had Bowser been stewing away in these thoughts? He was definitely thinking too hard about all of this. It was Peach’s fault they weren’t together. End of story.

With a huff of smoke, Bowser stomped out of the throne room and made his way to Luigi’s room. He moved his hand up to bang on the door, when he heard snoring on the other side of the room. He chuckled. Peach wasn’t a snorer. Bowser looked at the guards standing outside of Luigi’s door.

“When did she enter her room?” he asked.

“About 15 minutes ago, your highness,” the guard responded.

Bowser had been thinking for that long?! And this weasel left without even saying something? Bowser growled and turned the door knob. He entered the room and shut the door behind him.

Luigi was sleeping in the large bed that was meant for Peach. Well, Bowser supposed everything in this room was meant for Peach. He walked up to the side of the bed, smirking. He’d wake this idiot up and scare him for good. Maybe he’d even wet himself.

As he reached for Luigi’s face, Luigi turned to curl up on his side, and the wig slipped off of his head. Bowser couldn’t help but stare at Luigi’s long lashes and wavy, brown hair. Was that mop of his as soft as it looked?

Luigi let out a rather loud snore, startling Bowser out of… whatever he was thinking. He retracted his hand from Luigi’s face. Perhaps… he’d let the idiot sleep.

After Luigi taught Hugo and Jacob how to make the food of the day (baked caprese chicken) and a dessert (biscotti), he decided to get back to that book he was reading before he had been interrupted by Bowser.

But Bowser, like usual, had other plans.

“Hello Peaches,” Bowser said with a smirk. He leaned against the wall right next to Luigi’s bedroom, and a koopa with a notepad and pen stood next to him. “Would you care to join me for a walk through the gardens?”

Luigi had wanted to see them when Bowser mentioned them yesterday. Just, perhaps, not with Bowser.

“Oh, um…” Should he decline? Bowser’s eyes narrowed, and Luigi realized he didn’t really have a choice. “That sounds lovely.”

Bowser chuckled and straightened. He scooped up Luigi with a hand, and Luigi let out a yelp in surprise. The koopa with a notepad scurried after them.

They arrived in the gardens fairly quickly, thanks to Bowser’s long strides. Bowser set Luigi down on a patch of grass, and Luigi dusted himself off, trying not to collapse from his nerves.

As Luigi gathered his breath, he looked around the gardens and let out a noise of awe. The flowers here were huge! And they came in a variety of colors. In the center of the garden was a fountain of lava. Various statues of Bowser lined the place, with one lone statue of Peach sitting on a bench.

“Now, tell me what things we can do to spend ‘quality time’ together,” Bowser said. He started walking, so Luigi hurried to keep up with him.

“Well…” Ugh. Luigi already told him that if someone wasn’t attracted to someone else, or just didn’t want to be around them period, then the relationship would fail from the start. But Bowser couldn’t get that through his thick skull. “It depends on what hobbies we have. Although, sometimes just hanging out and talking with each other is good enough.”

Luigi heard scratching behind him. He turned to see the koopa from earlier writing everything he said down. Luigi couldn’t tell if that was a good or bad thing.

Bowser frowned. “Hobbies?”

Luigi faced forward again. “Yes. What things do you like to do for fun?” Luigi had to jump out of the way as a surprise piranha plant tried to nip at him. Bowser pet the top of the plant and kept walking, a proud smile on his face.

“I like to conquer worlds. And steal whatever things I want.”

“Oh uh. Okay. What else?”

“What else?”

“Yeah?”

Bowser hummed. “I suppose I like to tinker with my kids on their inventions. And play piano.”

“You play the piano?”

Bowser grinned. “Why are you surprised, Peaches? I sing you a new song declaring my love for you every time you come here.”

Luigi paled. “O-oh! O-of course. I must’ve forgotten.” Bowser didn’t sing for him this time though… Did he know that Luigi wasn’t the princess?

Bowser continued on, not paying attention to Luigi, “I also like to workout. If you couldn’t tell.” He flexed his muscles.

Luigi tried to keep his focus on Bowser’s face, but his eyes darted to look at them a few times. Mama mia. What did this guy bench press? If he actually managed to get a hold of Mario, could he just crush him with two of his fingers?!

Bowser chuckled. “Impressive, aren’t they?” He licked the top of his bicep with his large, pink tongue.

Luigi blushed and coughed. “Y-yes.” Why was Bowser flirting with him? Oh, right. He’s the princess. That helped Luigi calm down a little.

“So, now that you know my hobbies, do you try doing my hobbies? How does it become ‘quality time?’”

“Well,” Luigi said, thinking for a moment, “Now you find things that you both want to do together. And if your partner wants to try something new that you enjoy, then great. Either way, you’re focusing on each other and really listening to what the other has to say.”

Luigi noticed a bush of roses growing along the path. He walked up to them and took a long sniff. How lovely. They didn’t smell quite like the roses growing back home, and they looked a little different than normal, but they made him smile.

Luigi turned back to look at Bowser, who was staring at him. He waited for Bowser to say something, but Bowser just kept staring.

Breaking the awkwardness, Luigi said. “Your garden is quite lovely.”

Red rose on Bowser’s cheeks. “O-of course it is! I had it designed with your preferences in mind.”

Luigi glanced over at a nearby Bowser statue and giggled. And quickly turned that giggle into a cough when he caught Bowser glaring at him. “T-thank you,” Luigi said.

Bowser rolled his eyes and turned to the koopa behind him. “Did you get all that written down?”

“Yes, sire!”

“Then take it to Kamek for further research.”

The koopa nodded and ran off.

Luigi frowned. “I’m still not going to fall in love with you. I already told you—”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” Bowser grinned, showing all of his teeth. “So, do you want to hear more about me?”

Luigi groaned inwardly. This was going to be a long couple of hours.

Chapter Text

Bowser just kept talking his ear off about all the great things he’s done or all the things he likes. Luigi eventually just tuned him out and nodded occasionally. Until he was suddenly grabbed by Bowser and lifted into the air.

“Great. Glad you think that’s a good idea, too.”

Shoot. Had Bowser asked him something, and he unknowingly agreed?!

Luigi tried to protest, but Bowser didn’t bother to listen as he carried him to a different part of the garden. Luigi was plopped down onto a cushioned chair. Bowser sat down across from him, a white table with a platter of sweets on it in front of them. They were now sitting underneath an overhang of trees, the atmosphere nice and quiet.

Now that Luigi thought about it, how much water did Bowser use just to keep this garden alive?

Bowser picked up the plate in front of Luigi and put a piece of cake on it. “Your favorite, Peaches,” he murmured with a smirk.

Luigi picked up a fork and took a bite of cake from under his mask. Bowser watched him eat, not a single piece of dessert on his plate. Luigi’s face twisted with disgust, until he remembered where he was and forced himself to smile.

“W-wow, just as good as I remember it.” Why did Peach like such sweet things? This cake was just pure sugar, without any other flavor to it.

“Oh yeah?” Bowser’s smirk widened. “Well, there’s plenty more where that came from.” He piled sweets onto Luigi’s plate. Luigi inwardly groaned. Was Bowser going to make him eat all this? Or was this just what Peach usually ate?

As Luigi tried to power through another bite of his original piece of cake, Bowser waved his hand. A Shy Guy with a spinning hat floated down from the sky, a basket of bottled wine in its hand. It placed the basket on the table and flew back to wherever it was hiding.

“How about we have a few drinks, eh Peaches?” Bowser said with a grin. He reached into the basket and pulled out two wine glasses, placing one in front of each of them. Though, Bowser’s wine glass was proportionate to his size.

Luigi tried to keep his face neutral. He wasn’t exactly… a heavy drinker. Mario always made fun of him for it because, with their Italian blood, one would think he’d be able to hold his liquor. But that was not the case.

He supposed only a few sips wouldn’t hurt. Although, he had no idea how much Peach usually drank. She probably had some tolerance from all her diplomatic meetings she had to go to…

Bowser poured the wine, watching Luigi the entire time. Then he downed the drink in one go.

Um… Was Luigi supposed to do the same? He always thought people slowly sipped wine with their food…

Luigi took an experimental sip of the wine. It… had a tangy, fruity flavor to it. He glanced at the bottle Bowser was using to refill his drink, noticing it had piranha plants on the outside. Was this made from piranha plants???

“What’s the matter, princess? Is the wine not to your liking?” Bowser asked.

Luigi gulped. “It’s… quite lovely.” He glanced at the dessert pile on his plate and felt like throwing up. This wine didn’t pair well with these snacks at all.

“I’m surprised at how slow you’re taking it…” Bowser had a suspicious glint in his eye.

Luigi frowned behind his mask. How fast did Peach normally drink this stuff? Luigi took a bigger sip of wine this time (more like a gulp). The flavor by itself wasn’t bad, but when he had to take a bite of cake after it…

Bowser grinned at Luigi, who swayed in his seat. He had kept prodding and probing the Green Mario to drink more and more, until the little guy was definitely drunk. Bowser and Peach almost never drank together. Besides, Bowser was more of a whiskey kind of guy.

“So, tell me more about Mario, princess. Does he have any weaknesses? Fears?”

Luigi let out a small burp. “My fratello is the best guy in the whole world.”

Bowser rolled his eyes. “That doesn’t answer my question.”

“And sure, everyone knows who he is. And likes him. And no one knows who I am. But that’s okay! Because I don’t need the spotlight. I just need… sleep. Oh mio dio…”

“Yo! Tell me Mario’s weaknesses!” Bowser snapped at him.

Luigi blinked up at Bowser slowly. “Mario doesn’t have any weaknesses. Besides being terrible at gambling. And cooking.”

Bowser ran a hand through his hair. They were… starting to get somewhere? “What is he afraid of?”

Luigi shrugged. “He gets jumpscared easily. Or wait… that’s just me.” He hummed. “He doesn’t like… bugs? Oh wait, that’s just me again…”

Bowser let out a huff of smoke and stood up.

“He sometimes gets scared of the dark! Wait, no…”

Bowser grabbed Luigi by his waist. He roared, “What is Mario afraid of?!”

Luigi seemed unfazed by Bowser’s yelling. Instead, he took off his gloves and ran his hands across Bowser’s scales. “Ammazza… Your skin has a cool texture…”

“W-what?”

Luigi took off his face mask and rubbed his bare cheek on Bowser’s hand. The Mario brother looked strange without his signature mustache. “So smooth and pretty… And warm…”

Bowser’s heart skipped a beat. He dropped Luigi and took a step back in surprise. Not because he had to collect himself. And not because no one had ever… said that about his scales before.

Luigi giggled from where he lay on the floor. “This is soft, too. But not warm.” He rubbed his hands across the grass. “Oh! I know! Mario is scared his loved ones will get hurt. Just… just like Mom and Dad.”

Bowser blinked. “Mom and Dad?”

“Yeah… Terrible car accident. Broke up the entire family…” Luigi hiccuped. Tears rolled down his face, and Bowser struggled to know what to do. Was this all his fault? He only wanted to get revenge on Mario. Not have… whatever this was.

Bowser growled and came back to himself. What did he care about some sorry sob story? He was the King of the Koopas! He didn't care about anyone that wasn't from family! Or his kingdom!

Bowser picked Luigi up and stomped back into the castle. Some of his soldiers and servants gave him weird looks as he stomped past, but he ignored them. And the sobbing Luigi in his arms.

He opened the door to Peach’s bedroom and tossed Luigi on the bed. As he turned to leave, he heard, “Please, just let me go home…” He glanced behind him, but Luigi was already out cold.

Chapter Text

The koopalings had been pestering Luigi to remove his stupid face mask for a while now. Every time, Luigi faked a cough and said he was still dealing with a cold or he had seasonal allergies.

However, when he woke up from his night of drinking with Bowser, he realized he now actually had a reason to wear the mask for real. His head hurt, and his stomach felt nauseous. The light coming through his bedroom windows made him wince, so he covered his head with his blanket.

He couldn’t remember anything beyond that first sip he had of that piranha plant wine. Did he blow his cover?

When someone knocked on his door to wake him, he only groaned in response.

The door opened, and a heavy weight landed on his stomach. Luigi quickly covered his mouth and tried to think of something else besides vomiting.

“Hey! Mama! Get up! I have a surprise for you!”

His blanket was pulled back, revealing Bowser Junior, who sat on Luigi.

Luigi clutched his head with one hand and covered his eyes with the other arm. “I’m not feeling too well today, bambino. So I’m afraid you’ll have to show me tomorrow.” His whole body felt hot, and he was sweating.

Junior gently lifted up Luigi’s arm, looking over his face. “What… What’s wrong Mama? And what's a 'bambo?'”

“My, uh, cold just got a little worse. I’ll be fine, though can you send one of the servants in here? And bambino means 'child.'” He probably shouldn't have called Junior that. But he was too tired to care.

“Yeah!” Junior turned, cupping his hands around his mouth.

Luigi snatched Junior’s hands and placed them down on the bed. “Perhaps you could get them without yelling? My head hurts, Junior.”

“Oh!” Junior cried, but when he saw Luigi wince, he lowered his voice, “Oh. Sorry, Mama. I’ll go get them.” Junior crawled off of the bed, and, when he came back, one of the guards was with him.

“Can you get me some pain medication? And some water and soup?”

“Pain medication?” the guard asked.

“Just… anything to relieve pain here.”

“Ah. Right, your majesty.” The guard left quickly.

Luigi closed his eyes and tried not to focus on his rolling stomach. Then he felt weight shift on his bed. He looked over to see Junior crawling into bed with him, a small frown on his face.

Luigi smiled. “You don’t need to stick around, Junior. I’ll be fine.”

“But…”

Luigi leaned over and pulled Junior in for a hug. “You’ve got better things to do than sit around with me. Go play with your siblings.”

Junior’s lips jutted out into a pout, until his face lit up. He hopped off the bed and made a mad dash to leave the room.

Luigi sighed. What he wouldn’t give to have a cell phone right now. He could be listening to music or watching a movie. Instead, he’s stuck in bed, too tired to get up and find a book to read.

Luigi startled out of his dozing when the guard from earlier shook Luigi’s shoulder. The guard handed Luigi a glass of water, and a bowl of hot soup was on the nightstand next to him.

“The royal magician will be coming to check on you soon,” they said.

Luigi nodded, giving them a grateful smile. The guard walked back to their station outside of Luigi’s bedroom.

Luigi guzzled his water down, loving how cold it was, and then picked up the bowl of soup. He was just about to take a bite when Junior came skipping into his room.

“Junior? What happened to playing with your siblings?” Luigi asked.

Junior smiled and climbed onto the bed. Luigi blinked in surprise as Junior pulled out drawings from his shell and started showing them to Luigi.

“I didn’t want you to be bored while you were sick, Mama. So I brought you things to look at.”

Luigi felt tears come to his eyes, but he quickly wiped them away. “That’s so sweet of you Junior.” He put down the bowl of soup and wrapped Junior up in a hug.

“Ugh!” Junior tried to protest, but Luigi knew he secretly liked it because his tail was wagging.

Luigi laid back down and carefully ate from his soup while Junior talked away.

Luigi woke up to Kamek looking him over. Kamek jolted when he met Luigi’s gaze.

“My, you’re finally awake,” Kamek mused.

Luigi felt so much better than last time he was awake. “Sorry…” He looked to his left. Junior wasn’t there. He looked to his right, and his bowl of soup and cup of water had been taken care of. “How long was I out?” Hardly any light filtered in through the outside window of his room, so he guessed a few hours. He touched his mouth, noticing the face mask was still there. Thank goodness.

“A couple of days.”

Luigi jolted and sat up straight. “A few days?”

“Yes. You had something worse than a cold, I’m afraid. My research led me to believe it was some sort of flu.”

Luigi blinked in surprise. He had thought it was some simple hangover…

The door opened, and Kamek and Luigi looked over to see Bowser coming into the room. “What’s her condition, Kamek?” he asked.

Luigi wanted to know, too.

“She’ll need to stay in bed for the rest of the day, but she should be right as a volcano eruption tomorrow,” Kamek said. He hobbled out of the room.

Leaving Bowser and Luigi in the room.

Alone.

Bowser met Luigi’s gaze before quickly looking at nothing particular on the far wall. “It seems… I gave you too much alcohol the other day. Even though you already had a cold.”

“Oh, um…” What was Luigi supposed to say to that?

Bowser clenched his jaw as he struggled to get out, “So… I… apologize.”

Luigi’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head. Bowser, King of the Koopas, was apologizing? Oh, wait. He’s Princess Peach right now. “As long as that doesn’t happen again, I forgive you.” He actually meant those words, funnily enough. Even if he was just trying to sound like Peach.

Bowser glanced over at him. Then he shook his head and left the room with a huff.

Bowser stared at his plate of pizza. Although it was delicious as usual, he was finding himself getting tired of it. His children ate obliviously, enjoying their usuals. He called in Hugo and Jacob, who bowed to him in their kitchen aprons upon entering the dining hall.

“Bring me something new, something like these pizza dishes you’ve been making,” Bowser ordered.

“We could try different toppings, your highness,” Jacob suggested.

“No, I just want something refreshing. Something unique.”

“But sire, we only know of Dark Land cuisine.”

Hugo watched the exchange with his usual goomba scowl on his face, saying nothing.

“What do you mean?” Bowser asked, narrowing his eyes. “Has someone else been doing your job?”

Jacob flinched and looked at Hugo. Hugo shook his head and said, “That lady friend of yours taught us a few tricks. But she hasn’t been around lately to teach us some more.”

Bowser stared at them for a moment. “My… lady friend? Are you referring to Princess Peach?”

“Y-yes! The lovely and definitely-your-future-bride Princess Peach!” Jacob cried. He shot Hugo a glare.

“The princess has been spending time in the kitchens?” Bowser tapped his chin. What was Luigi doing there?

Jacob nodded so hard, Bowser was surprised his beak didn’t fall off. “Yes, that dog of hers—er, of her ‘friend’—ate through our dinner supplies. So she whipped something up and has been teaching us new foods ever since.”

Bowser growled. Luigi was definitely up to something. He looked down at his two servants, and growled out, “Leave me. And go buy a foreign cookbook instead of bothering my bride.”

Hugo and Jacob bowed, although Jacob looked like he was going to pee himself. Jacob scrambled out of the dining room, while Hugo sauntered away like he had all the time in the world.

Chapter Text

The next day, Bowser summoned Luigi to his office. He was going to get to the bottom of this… thing that Luigi was doing.

A guard escorted Luigi into the room. Once Luigi sat down on the chair across from Bowser and his desk, the guard left the room and closed the door behind him.

Luigi looked a lot better than yesterday. The color of his skin was back to normal, and his eyes didn’t look droopy. He had his hands in his lap, his eyes watching Bowser with slight annoyance.

Bowser tapped his claws on the wood of his desk. “So… I’ve heard some interesting tidbits about you. Some things that are a little bit unusual…”

Immediately, Luigi straightened in his seat. Good.

“Like how you’ve been spending time with my children,” Bowser continued, “and they’ve noticed you actually seem to enjoy their presence this time around. As opposed to the usual fake politeness.”

“Oh, uh, I’ve always had a soft spot for children, even if they’re your children.”

Bowser stood. “Or how you’ve been introducing new foods to our chefs. But you’re personally teaching them.”

Luigi chuckled nervously. “M-Mario and I love to cook together on our dates. And I found myself missing him, so…”

“You’ve never mentioned your ability to catch ghosts, either. Or play cards so well.”

“Well, a princess should stay humble. And always have something up her sleeve.” Luigi’s hands clenched on the arms of his chair as Bowser moved to stand behind him.

Bowser squeezed Luigi’s shoulders with his sharp claws, not caring that he was ruining the fabric of his dress. “Is there something occupying your mind, princess? Something… you’d like to share to explain all of this?”

Luigi’s heartbeat quickened; it was so loud, Bowser could hear it from where he stood. “N-no. I’m just dealing with my c-cold, so I haven’t been myself this entire time.”

Huh. And here Bowser thought he was going to cry and squeal out everything with a gentle prod. Guess he just had to spell it out for him.

Bowser leaned down and put his muzzle right next to Luigi’s ear. He opened his mouth and tried to get out the words, but he found himself hesitating. Why was he hesitating?

“L-look Bowser…” Luigi sighed. “The truth is—”

“You’ve been trying to find a way to get revenge on me, haven’t you?” Bowser blurted. That was not at all what he had wanted to say. He blinked in surprise.

Luigi seemed surprised, too. He twisted in his chair and looked up at Bowser, his brown eyebrows furrowed. “Um, no? I wouldn’t want to start a war with my kingdom and yours.” He fidgeted with the ends of his blonde wig.

Bowser growled. He could spill the beans right now, that he knew Luigi was Princess Peach all along. That Luigi was going to be in the dungeons the rest of his life waiting for rescue. But instead… he thought of Junior’s face as he talked about all the fun he had with “Mama.” And of all the delicious foods he’d been trying lately. And his kids rubbing Polterpup’s belly while giggling and laughing together.

He most definitely didn’t think of Luigi crying in the gardens. Nor of Luigi stopping to sniff the flowers, his blue eyes gleaming in the sunlight. And he especially didn’t think about Luigi laying in his bed, his blonde wig askew and his brown, curly locks looking so irresistibly soft.

“You’ve been teaching my chefs how to cook, so you can slip in poison when I’m not looking,” Bowser huffed, pushing all those confusing thoughts away. “And everything else has been you trying to throw me off your scent.” He grabbed Luigi and lifted him up to his eye level. “Normally, I’d punish you, but I find your strategic thinking to be quite attractive.”

Luigi stared at him. When Bowser raised an eyebrow at him, Luigi flinched and awkwardly laughed. “Y-yep, y-you got me. I w-won’t think about doing that again.”

Bowser set Luigi down. “Now get out of my office. I’ve got business to attend to.”

Luigi stood there for another awkward minute, before his brain finally computed what Bowser had said. “Right! Right. I’ll, uh, go get the chefs to make something different. As a thank you for your leniency.” He made a mad dash for the door, struggled with the doorknob for a moment, and ran down the hallway.

As soon as he was out of sight, Bowser walked back to his office chair and plopped down on it. He stared at the ceiling, smoke curling out of his nostrils. What… just happened?

“Mamma mia,” Luigi muttered to himself. He forced himself to keep his hands at his sides and not at his mouth, where he wanted to chew on his nails. He speed-walked down the halls of the castle, making his way back to his bedroom.

That had been an extremely close call. And he had been ready to confess everything, even though Bowser hadn’t suspected him! He needed to keep his mouth shut and his cards close to his heart.

Normally, Luigi would have tried to escape by now. But if his escape plan failed, then Bowser would know of the ruse, and he’d be fried alive. Or if he tried to escape in Peach’s clothes, he’d probably trip over his own feet in these dastardly heels.

The plan was for Mario to show up within a week; Luigi had just been hoping to endure until he showed up. That needed to change. He’d try to escape tonight.

Luigi waved to the guards watching his bedroom and slipped inside his room. He threw the wig onto the floor and ran his fingers through his natural, sweaty hair. Where was Mario? He never took this long. Was Bowser doing something different with his troops? But who could he talk to about it? Luigi doubted Bowser or Kamek would give him any hints to Mario’s whereabouts. Was there some other way to know?

Thinking for a moment, he clapped his hands together and smiled. Yes! He’d just have to go and check out a few books in the library. There must be something there. So he toweled down his hair a bit, put the wig back on, and exited his bedroom.

Bowser sighed as he walked aimlessly down his castle’s halls. He still couldn’t quite grasp why he had let Luigi go. And he could go to Kamek to talk about it, but then he’d just get some long lecture. That was the last thing he needed today.

Just as he was about to head outside to the gardens, he spotted a flash of pink out of his eye. Bowser turned and saw Luigi go into the library. Why was he going in there? This needed investigating, in case Luigi actually was planning some sort of revenge on him and the Dark Lands.

Bower slowly opened the door and poked his large head in. A swoosh of pink skirts was all he saw before they disappeared down an aisle. He made his way in, wondering if he could even creep up on the coward, considering his size.

The library wasn’t built for Bowser’s huge stature, which was fine as he didn’t spend much time in here anyways. The piles of books on the floor, walls, and even the ceiling were definitely designed with Kamek in mind. A few tables and chairs appeared in the dusty piles every so often, but Kamek usually just took the books back to his study to read.

As he turned the corner, he spotted Luigi nose-deep in a book. In his left arm, he had a pile of books that looked to be a mix of survival books and stories about escaping dangerous situations. Hmph. So he was planning something.

Bowser crept down the aisle and behind Luigi. He let out a puff of hot air onto Luigi’s head, and Luigi jumped. Luigi whirled around and screamed. Bowser placed his hand over Luigi’s face, covering it with merely his palm.

“Knock it off. This is a library, remember,” Bowser growled. He retracted his hand when Luigi nodded frantically.

“Er, um, my apologies, Bowser.” Luigi curtsied. “You startled me.”

Bowser plucked the book from Luigi’s hands, and Luigi reached for it far too late. “Magic Spells to See Things Far Away,” Bowser read at the top of the page. He looked at the book's cover, and saw that it was an entire book of spells. Bowser smirked and tossed the book behind him; it landed on another aisle completely. “Missing your dear old Mario, princess?”

Luigi’s cheeks pouted, even behind the face mask. “Who wouldn’t, when they’re trapped here?”

“Oh come on, my castle is better than a five-star hotel, and you know it.”

Luigi crossed his arms over his chest. “A luxurious prison is still a prison. No matter how cushy the beds are.”

Bowser huffed a cloud of smoke into his face. Luigi coughed and tried to wave it away. “I suppose since I have you here,” Bowser said, picking Luigi up. Luigi just sighed and let Bowser drag him to a different part of the library. “Let’s practice more of that ‘quality time’ and ‘communication,’ shall we?”

Bowser wiped the dust off a table with his hand. He gently set Luigi down into the chair across from him, before sitting down himself.

The two of them sat in silence, until Luigi’s eyes looked ready to pop from his skull. “Um, aren’t you going to say anything?” Luigi asked.

“Nope. I'm a good listener, despite what you think. So you talk your cute little heart out, and I’ll just sit here and listen.”

Luigi’s eyes widened. He placed his hands in his lap, a grimace on his lips. “Er, uh… But, what should I say?”

“Anything. Anything you want to say.”

“But… I just want to find Mario. And know if he’s all right.”

Bowser groaned. “KAMEK!” he roared.

Kamek appeared beside him on his broomstick, looking at the two of them with thinly veiled annoyance. “Yes, sire?”

“Show us Mario. I want to see his progress.”

“Um, sire, in front of the princess?”

“I’m showing her how good of a listener I am. And how I respect her. So yes, show us Mario. Now.”

Kamek shook his head, but he didn’t say another word. A bubble appeared in the air in front of them. A blue light shone in the middle of the bubble; the light rippled like disturbed water, until a vision of Mario flying through the air wearing a tanooki suit appeared. Another figure wearing a green outfit similar to Mario flew beside him. Wait… Was that?

“Okay! I’ve seen enough, thank you!” Luigi cried. His whole body shook.

Bowser waved at Kamek, and the bubble disappeared. Yes, that had been Peach flying beside Mario in her own tanooki suit. Dressed in Luigi’s clothes. She hadn’t even bothered to put on a wig.

Bowser’s jaw clenched tight.

“Will that be all, sire?” Kamek asked.

“Yes,” Bowser hissed. He couldn’t believe this. All this time, Peach was just getting closer to Mario?!

As if sensing the explosion that was to come, Kamek disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

“Oh my, Luigi has one of my wigs again,” Luigi squeaked out. “How… how silly of him, eh?” He sunk down in his seat, trying to make himself as small as possible.

Bowser turned around and roared out a plume of flame. His flame hit a magic barrier that covered the books on the ceiling. Curse you Kamek.

When he finally had enough, he slowly turned around, ready to rip Luigi to shreds. But… Luigi wasn’t in his seat. Bowser looked around the library, knowing a pink dress wasn’t easy to hide, but he saw nothing. He sniffed the air, and he couldn’t smell the human, either. Had he run off that quickly?

Bowser rolled his shoulders. Well, he always did like a good hunt. He stalked out of the room, a conniving grin on his face.

Luigi tried to scream, but the ghostly hand covering his face prevented any sound from escaping his lips. He had just been sitting in the library with Bowser, when a purple ghost grabbed him from behind and dragged him down through the floor. Now they looked to be in some sort of dungeon. Was this still in Bowser’s castle?

The ghost tossed him onto the cold cobblestone floor. Jail cells surrounded him on both sides of the prison’s hallway. All were empty and barren, which Luigi supposed was a good sign. At the end of the hallway were a pair of handcuffs connected to a wall. A chair sat in between the handcuffs, and a figure Luigi would recognize anywhere hovered above the seat.

“Well, well,” King Boo cackled, “When one of my men didn’t come back from a mission, I had my suspicions. I’m so glad I was correct.” Boo’s oversized body seemed to fill the dungeon as Luigi struggled to catch his breath. The purple, jeweled crown on his head glinted darkly.

“What are you doing here? I thought you had mansions to terrorize elsewhere,” Luigi said. He moved to stand, but the purple ghost knocked him back onto his knees.

Boo smiled, letting his purple tongue flop out of his mouth. “While Bowser and I are allies, I like to keep tabs. Especially if I can learn a juicy secret or two to hold over his head.” Boo flew over to Luigi’s side, and he yanked the wig off of Luigi’s head with his stubby arms. “Tell me, what do you think Bowser will reward me with for revealing your deception? More land? Men to turn into new subjects of mine?”

Luigi yanked the wig back onto his head. “How did you escape? I thought for sure that E. Gadd—”

“E. Gadd is a fool. Always has been. How do you think I escaped three times already? The fourth escape was child’s play.”

Luigi stared into Boo’s cold, purple eyes, and he sighed with relief. He always wondered why Boo left E. Gadd, Luigi’s ghost hunting mentor, alive after his many escapes. Perhaps the both of them held a certain fondness for the crazy maniac. “Yes. He’s always been a bit too lost in his scientific experiments.”

Then he jumped back from Boo and let out a shrill whistle with his fingers to his mouth.

Polterpup phased through the ceiling, the Poltergust 3000 between his jaws. He tossed the device down to Luigi with a bark, and Luigi caught it easily. He quickly turned it on and sucked up the nearby purple ghost. He turned to flash Boo with light, but a purple tongue slapped him in the face instead.

Luigi fell onto the rough floor, scraping his hands. He dodged a beam of light from Boo’s magical crown and found himself glad that Boo was the type to monologue instead of just killing Luigi outright.

Luigi ran and slid underneath Boo’s hulking form and spun around, Poltergust in his hands. He had sucked most of Boo up, before Boo slapped him in the face with his tongue again and freed himself.

Before Luigi could try again, Boo’s thick tongue wrapped itself around Luigi and his device and squeezed. Luigi gasped for breath.

“Perhaps I shouldn’t bother with paintings anymore,” Boo hissed. Luigi had always wondered how he could talk so clearly with his tongue hanging out all the time. “They leave too many openings for escape.”

When Luigi saw spots, he heard, “Put my princess down.” A ball of fire whizzed past Luigi’s head, the heat of it made breathing even more difficult.

The tight hold on Luigi’s waist loosened. He gasped for air, an ache pounding in his skull. When he had recovered enough, he looked over to see Bowser standing at the entrance of the dungeon.

“Bowser, baby, how’ve you been?” Boo said with a smile. “I was just taking care of a pest for you.”

Bowser pointed at Boo with a sharp claw. “That pest is mine. Put her down.” His tail whipped behind him. “And you better have a good reason for skulking about my castle without permission.”

Boo shot Bowser a flat look. “You do realize that this ‘princess’ isn’t actually—”

“Don’t you dare insult my bride to be,” Bowser snarled. Though, Luigi could see there wasn’t true malice behind it. “Hand her over.”

Boo’s eyes furrowed, but he let Luigi go. Luigi clutched his Poltergust tight as he ran to Bowser’s side.

“Tell me why you’re hanging out in my dungeon.” Bowser crossed his arms over his chest. He slowly approached Boo.

Luigi eyed the exit to the dungeon. With Bowser keeping Boo occupied, this was the perfect time to escape. Or he could suck Boo up unawares…

But if Bowser and Boo were friends, he could imagine Bowser not being too happy about that. So he slipped past the metal door and ran up the stairs that led out of the cold, damp dungeon.

Boo looked over Bowser’s shoulder. Bowser turned and caught a glimpse of pink skirts before realizing Luigi had left them alone.

Bowser leaned forward. “Look, of course I know that isn’t really Princess Peach.”

Boo’s purple eyes glinted with surprise.

“They thought they could fool me again with that idiotic disguise, so this time, I’m returning the favor. Luigi has no idea that I know.”

Boo’s grin widened. He cackled. “How diabolical! Good for you, Bowsey!”

Bowser puffed out his chest with a smug smile. Until he remembered why Boo was here in the first place. He growled, “Now, I’ll overlook you trying to spy on me, if you do me a favor.”

Boo scratched his face with a stubby arm. “I wasn’t spying...”

Bowser held up a hand. “Mario and Peach are on their way. This whole time, they’ve been canoodling together while they try to save Mario’s precious brother. So, I need you to make their trip as miserable as possible.”

“And here I thought you were going to ask for something lame.” Boo’s crown glowed with purple light. “I always love making humans wet themselves.” He faded away, his laughter echoing in the prison.

Bowser watched him go, making sure his relief wasn’t visible on his face. When he had seen Luigi about to get his head popped off by King Boo, his insides had done something funny. And sure, he was still upset that Peach and Mario have been spending time together, but he found that feeling fading quicker than he expected it to.

With a shake of his head, Bowser stalked up the dungeon stairs. He needed to get Kamek to hide all the escape or survival-related books in the library.

Luigi ran to his room and quickly made a bag out of his bedsheets. It wasn't very good, but it would do the job. He wrapped it around his shoulders. Then he slipped into the kitchen and swiped food and a water container into his bag. Luckily, Hugo and Jacob weren’t in the room.

He stayed in his Princess Peach dress, wig, and mask. If Bowser still didn’t know Luigi was Peach, he’d like to keep it that way if he were caught.

He waved and said hello to every guard and servant he passed, not wanting to seem suspicious. The guards standing at the front doors gave him a little bit of trouble, but he stomped on their heads once, and they got knocked out. The front doors were heavy, so he kept telling himself to hurry up as he struggled to get them open.

The empty wasteland of the Dark Lands greeted him, with its volcanoes in the distance, rock-hard ground, and the smell of sulfur and dust.

Finally, he was free! He clapped his hands together, until he remembered there were likely sentries watching the walls of the castle and stopped. He tried to stay as casual as possible as he walked across the drawbridge that led to the rest of the Dark Lands. Hot lava sweltered on either side of him in the moat surrounding Bowser’s castle.

Luigi heard shouting from behind him. They must’ve known he had escaped. He took off running. He saw a forest of dead trees not too far away; he hoped he could lose any of Bowser’s men there.

But before he could even reach the treeline, Kamek appeared in front of him, hovering on his broom.

Luigi dodged to the left, but Kamek waved his wand and immobilized Luigi before he could get far.

Kamek floated Luigi up to where he hovered in the air, an amused look on his face. “Well, it’s been a while since you’ve tried this, princess. Forget that I have a magical ward on the castle?” He shot Luigi a knowing glance.

Luigi gulped. “Oh, heh, silly me! I just got so excited when I saw Mario in that spell of yours…” Was that why Peach never tried to escape? Because she knew Kamek would be notified of her attempt immediately? Luigi felt so, so bad for her.

Kamek cackled. “You’re lucky Bowser favors you so highly, or else I’d obliterate you right here and now for trying to escape.”

“R-right.” Was Kamek always so cruel? Or was this what he was like when he was in a good mood? “Can we, uh, keep this between us?”

Kamek pushed up his glasses. “What will you give me in return?”

Luigi scrambled to think of something. “H-how about… gelato?”

“Gelato?”

“Yeah. It’s… an Italian ice cream. Or just ice cream in Italian, depending on who you talk to.”

Kamek hummed, and Luigi almost screamed for joy when he nodded yes. “You shall make me some. Right now.”

“Well, it needs to freeze and—”

“That won’t be a problem.”

Right. Magic. Must be nice.

Luigi sighed as Kamek waved his wand and teleported the both of them back to his castle. He at least knew Mario was okay, but he had hoped to cut his journey short. Especially with that close call in Bowser’s office earlier.

Chapter Text

The next morning, the koopalings and Bowser sat at the dining table, enjoying their breakfast, when Luigi came in with a large serving of tiramisu.

All the koopalings paused mid conversation or bite as they eyed the delicious treat in Luigi’s hands.

Luigi shot them all an apologetic smile as he set down the dessert in front of Bowser.

Bowser looked up from a newspaper he was reading and narrowed his eyes at the cocoa-powdered dessert in front of him. “What’s this?” he growled.

“A… A thank you. For saving me yesterday.” Luigi knew Bowser only did it because he thought he was Princess Peach, but if he can continue to stay on Bowser’s good side, the better off he’ll be in the long run. Besides, maybe he’ll show him Mario’s location again, if he begged hard enough. Especially after his failed escape attempt yesterday. He couldn’t sleep last night from embarrassment and shame.

Luigi had gone back to the library later yesterday, only to find all the books he had been looking at had disappeared. So playing the kind, sweet Princess Peach card was his best bet to perhaps getting those back, too.

“Oh. Uh.” Bowser’s cheeks did something peculiar: they turned a light shade of pink. Luigi didn’t realize koopas could even do that. “Anything for my princess.” He tried shooting Luigi a smooth grin, but it came out awkward.

A clatter interrupted them. The two of them looked down the table to see that Wendy had slammed her hands down on the table. She had a sparkle in her eyes that Luigi never would’ve expected from the rather aloof koopaling.

“Is something the matter, Wendy?” Bowser asked.

Wendy’s grin grew wider, until she covered it with her hand. “Oh, nothing, papa.” She pretended to be preoccupied with adjusting her pink bow.

Ludwig, who had crazy blue hair and an overbite of a single fang, glared at her. Luigi couldn’t tell if the glare was of annoyance, for he was in the middle of reading a book, or of suspicion. The other koopalings had already gone back to enjoying their meal.

Well, except for Junior. “Mama, I want a dessert like that! Oh oh! Will you draw with me today, Mama? Now that you’re not sick?”

Luigi smiled. “There’s a few slices leftover, so yes, you can have some. But only once you’re done eating all your breakfast.” He glanced over at Bowser, to make sure that was okay, but Bowser was staring at the tiramisu, as if it were some strange puzzle. “Uh, is something the matter, King Bowser?”

Bowser glanced up at Luigi and shot him a glare. Then he picked up the entire tiramisu with his hands and tossed it into his gaping maw.

Luigi blinked in surprise, unsure what that reaction was about.

Bowser hummed and nodded. He stood and waved to all his children. “I’ve got work to do, my hatchlings. Don’t give Kamek too much trouble in your studies.” He eyed Luigi with an indecipherable look, and then he was gone.

“Mama, mama! I’ve finished my breakfast!” Junior called.

Luigi turned back to him with a smile. “Let’s go grab you a slice from the kitchens, then.”

“What are you up to?”

Wendy looked up from a book she was studying in her room. She sat at her vanity desk, which had makeup, bows, jewelry, and other accessories scattered about. The rest of her room was pink and white, with a chandelier on the ceiling.

Ludwig shut her bedroom door behind him, the book he had been reading before tucked under his crossed arms.

Wendy smiled at him, closing her own book. She twisted around on the stool she sat on and blew him a kiss. “None of your business.”

Ludwig reached over and snatched the book before she could stop him. He sighed, finding the page she had bookmarked by bending the corner of the book’s paper. “Tell me you’re not seriously considering this.”

“Look, you know Peach is actually Luigi dressed in disguise, right?”

Ludwig huffed and tossed the book back to her. She caught it easily and placed it on her desk. “Obviously. From the second he arrived here, he’s been so obvious. I find Luigi’s act to be quite amusing, which is why I haven’t told father.”

Looked like the both of them didn’t want to invoke their father’s wrath.

“Well, you saw how papa looked at Luigi at breakfast this morning. And he was actually flustered! He never acts that way around the real Princess Peach!”

“Okay? So?”

“So what if this is our chance to get papa to move on from Peach?” Wendy grabbed a tube of lipstick and applied it on her muzzle.

Ludwig eyed the lipstick in disgust. She ignored him. “I thought you looked up to her?” Ludwig said, gesturing to her vibrant bedroom. He sat down on her plush bed.

Wendy paused, slowly setting down her lipstick. “Well, yeah. I still do. But she’s obviously not a good fit for papa. And she only treats us with fake niceties. I don’t want a mother like that.” She tapped her lap with her claws, avoiding Ludwig’s critical gaze. “Sometimes… I think it’d be nice to have someone sweet, who doesn’t want us to be the typical, hard-shelled koopa, you know?”

When Ludwig didn't say anything, she looked up and met his gaze, which was surprisingly soft.

“Look, sis, while I can’t stand those Mario Bros… I do see the potential between Luigi and dad, even if Luigi is a sniveling idiot. And maybe… if things go well, maybe dad can spend a little more time with us, rather than trying to take over the stupid Mushroom Kingdom.”

Wendy smiled. “Does that mean you’re in?”

Ludwig rolled his eyes. “As if you could perform the spell well enough on your own, anyways.”

“I could, too!”

“Could not!”

“I thought I sensed trouble brewing in here.”

Ludwig and Wendy jumped and looked at the door, where Kamek eyed the two of them with narrowed eyes. The door shut behind the old wizard as he stepped into the room.

“Oh! Kamek! Uh, we were having brother/sister bonding time!” Wendy said, grabbing Ludwig’s arm and putting on her best innocent smile.

Ludwig only huffed. “You didn’t bother to knock.”

“Well, when someone treats me with disrespect, I always return the favor,” Kamek said. He hobbled up to them, his blue robes dragging on the floor. He held out a hand. “Give it here.”

Wendy tried, “I don’t know what—”

Kamek waved his hand, and the book on her vanity desk hovered up in the air.

Ludwig pulled his wand out from his tower of blue hair and shot a spell at Kamek. Kamek simply stepped out of the way, and Ludwig’s spell slammed into Wendy’s wall, leaving a burn mark.

“Hey!” she cried, turning to Ludwig.

“If you had been better at stealing things, none of this—”

“Quiet, you two,” Kamek said. The book landed softly in his arms. He flipped through it, until he landed on the page Wendy had marked. He tutted, “And you even ruined one of my pages?”

Wendy groaned, “Just fold it back! Or use some magic or something!”

Kamek held up a hand. After he looked over the spell, he eyed Wendy and Ludwig. “And what were you hoping to do with this?”

“Well…” Wendy adjusted her bow.

Ludwig simply avoided Kamek’s sharp gaze.

“I fear that I am far more patient than both of you. I can stand here All. Day. Long.” Kamek adjusted his large glasses, a cruel smile on his face.

Wendy stomped her foot and cried, “Okay fine! We were just going to use it on papa and Luigi, er, Princess Peach.”

Kamek tilted his head.

Ludwig shrugged. “Wendy thinks there’s something different this time. So why not help things along?”

“You saw the potential, too! Don’t blame me!” Wendy hissed.

Kamek smiled. “Ah, well, I’ll tell you right now, Lord Bowser knows Princess Peach is actually Luigi, the green Mario brother.”

Ludwig frowned. “Wait, he knows? Then throw that imposter in the dungeons!”

“Well, your father has decided to use Luigi as a means of getting information. And to make Luigi look like a fool.”

Wendy tapped her chin. “But…”

Kamek held up his hand again. “I am not one to question him, for I am just his lowly servant. However…” He threw the book in his hand into the air, and it disappeared mid-throw. “If someone were to cast a spell on him, I’m afraid I’ve lost my book, and I can no longer remember the counterspell to fix it.”

Ludwig and Wendy blinked in surprise.

“You mean…” Ludwig started.

But Kamek only shrugged. “These kidnapping schemes are getting old, I’m afraid. Soon, they’ll be older than me.” He turned and walked up to the door. “I’ll give you a few days. Keep up with your studies until then, hm?”

The door shut softly after he left.

Bowser sat with a huff in his office chair, his gaze on the ceiling. That tiramisu was delicious, though he wondered why Luigi had even bothered. Princess Peach certainly wouldn’t have thanked him.

With a shake of his head, he popped his neck, ready to get to work, when there came a knock at his door. He looked up as Wendy and Ludwig came into his office, Wendy sporting a bright smile.

Bowser’s scowl softened. “Hey, kiddos. What’s up?”

“We have a new spell to show you, daddy!” Wendy said.

Ludwig pulled out his wand from his hair as he bowed with a flourish. He waved his wand, arching it above his head, and a white light shot at Bowser. Bowser watched it hit him with amusement, wondering if they were going to style his hair for him, shine his shell, or some other spell that always made him more handsome. They knew he loved those kinds of spells.

But instead, he watched as a nearly invisible handcuff appeared on his left arm, a long chain coming off it and disappearing into the nearby wall.

Bowser furrowed his eyebrows.

Wendy gasped. “Wait! What happened?!” She turned to Ludwig. “You did it wrong!”

Ludwig jutted out his chin. “I did not! You gave me the wrong spell!”

Bowser held up his arm. The chain was loose, but he wondered where it trailed off to. He looked back at his children. “What were you trying to do?”

Wendy sighed. “It was supposed to let you breathe bubbles instead of fire…”

“My apologies, father. I’ll see if I can find the appropriate spell book to undo this. Where did you put it Wendy?”

“Well, I put it back in Kamek’s office, of course…”

Bowser sighed. “Look, we’ll get this fixed. Just take better care with your spells next time. KAMEK!”

Kamek appeared in the room with a puff of smoke; he rode on his broom, his wand already in hand. “Yes sire?”

“Undo this spell of theirs.”

Kamek flew closer to the chains on Bowser’s hand, tapping his chin. “I’m afraid I am unfamiliar with this spell. Hold on.” He disappeared. A few minutes later, he reappeared. “It seems my spellbook has gone missing…”

“What!?” Wendy cried. “I put it back exactly where I found it!”

Bowser’s eyebrow twitched.

“Well, it’s not there anymore.”

Bowser let out a low growl. “Well, the three of you had better find it! Now!”

“Y-yes, sir,” the three koopas said at the same time. Kamek disappeared with a poof of smoke, while Ludwig and Wendy ran out of the office.

Bowser stood up, feeling a headache coming on. Perhaps if he found where this chain disappeared to, he could just simply break it with brute force.

That had never exactly worked for spells before, but he had to at least try.

When Luigi woke up that morning, a letter waited for him at his bedside table. He sat up and opened it, expecting a note, but instead, all he got was a cloud of white smoke to the face. He coughed and sputtered, waving away the cloud.

Once the cloud had dissipated, he noticed something peculiar on his left arm: a nearly invisible handcuff, with a chain that traveled across his bedroom floor and into a nearby wall. He stared at the chain in shock. Was Bowser onto him, and this was his punishment?!

He quickly got dressed for the day. Luckily, the chain didn’t seem to physically get in the way of anything, so he was able to slip on Princess Peach’s dress with ease.

Luigi opened his bedroom door, only to find Bowser standing right outside of it. And attached to his left arm…. was the same chain Luigi had.

Luigi gulped.

Bowser’s face twisted with anger, before he seemed to realize something and took a deep breath. He smiled down at Luigi. “And here I had been worried that this chain would go on forever. Instead, I’m attached to my one and only true love.” Bowser kneeled down and took Luigi’s gloved hand in his. Luigi’s stomach twisted into anxious knots. “How fortunate for the both of us, hm?” Bowser said as he kissed Luigi’s hand.

Luigi wanted to scream, but instead, he just retracted his hand from Bowser’s. “What… What?!”

Chapter Text

Ludwig, Wendy, and Kamek eyed Bowser and Luigi with surprise. Ludwig and Wendy’s expressions turned into pleased smiles, while Kamek only scowled with annoyance.

All of them stood in Bowser’s throne room, Bowser sitting on his throne with Luigi standing next to him. Wendy, Ludwig, and Kamek stood at the foot of the throne, well, Kamek hovered on his broom, like usual.

“So, our spell was a good thing after all?” Wendy asked. Her little tail wagged behind her.

Ludwig stood next to her, looking bored.

Bowser smiled back at her. What was he supposed to say? That he was royally pissed that he had to be chained up to Luigi? He couldn’t ruin that perfect smile on her face. “That’s right. Now I get to spend even more time with my lovely bride-to-be.” He eyed Luigi, who wouldn’t stop trembling next to him.

Kamek eyed the chains from afar, a thoughtful look on his withered face. “If I recall, the spell only lasts for a few days. So, make the most of it, Your Brutishness.”

Of course that old coot could remember that detail, but not how to remove the spell entirely.

“You’re all dismissed,” Bowser said.

Kamek disappeared with a bow, and Ludwig and Wendy walked away, hopefully to do their studies. And not more magic spells.

Bowser eyed the chain gathered on the floor between him and Luigi. There seemed to be quite a lot of length between the two of them. So perhaps, he wouldn’t be all that hindered by this. Though, he had to play it cool if he wanted Luigi to keep thinking he didn’t know of Luigi’s disguise.

He looked up right as Luigi met his gaze. Bowser had been about to tell him some flirtatious remark, then go to his office to work, when he noticed a few flecks of green in Luigi’s blue eyes. Had they always looked so—

His thoughts were interrupted with a loud rattle. He looked down right as the chains magically shortened, leaving only a few feet of length between the two of them.

Bowser frowned. Today was just going to be one of those days, wasn’t it?

Luigi pretended to be preoccupied with his book about Dark Land cuisine. In reality, he watched Bowser out of the corner of his eye.

The two of them were in Bowser’s office. Bowser had ordered Kamek to switch out the two chairs across from his desk with a comfy couch. Luigi sat on the couch, while Bowser scribbled and read through paperwork behind his desk. Their chain phased through Bowser’s desk, leaving a little bit of leeway for their arms to move.

The air was tense. Luigi waited with bated breath for Bowser to lunge across the table and eat him alive. Or try to kiss him. Both prospects sounded horrible.

Bowser let out a sigh and set down the paper he was reading. He looked up, and Luigi quickly looked down at his book, hoping he wasn’t caught.

“You know, princess, we never really finished our conversation back in the library,” Bowser mused. He leaned forward on his desk, his elbows resting on top of his small stack of papers.

Luigi frowned. “Oh, uh, we didn’t?” It wasn’t really much of a conversation to begin with.

“Yes. You were going to talk, and I was going to simply listen. Why don’t you do that, while I get some work done here?”

“Oh, um, no thanks! I’d, uh, rather read this book here. Yeah.”

Bowser frowned. He leaned back in his chair. “I see.” He went back to his papers, and Luigi sighed with relief. Bowser usually put up more of a fight.

As the two of them resumed their silence, Luigi found himself feeling more and more anxious. “How… how about we play 20 questions?” he suggested. Normally, he wouldn’t have bothered, but he could already feel his brain diving down into an unpleasant rabbit hole.

“20 questions?”

“Y-yeah. We ask each other 20 questions of our choosing. That’s… pretty much it.”

Bowser raised an eyebrow. “I’m surprised you’d even offer something like this.”

Luigi avoided his gaze. “I… Well, today’s the exception, considering our circumstances.” He gestured to the chains around their arms. “Who knows? Maybe I’ll convince you to stop kidnapping once and for all.”

Bowser chuckled and looked at the ceiling in thought. “How about… What ‘kind’ things does Mario do for you?”

Luigi furrowed his eyebrows. “You… really want to know?”

Bowser growled, “You talk about how great he is all the time, but you never provide the evidence to back it up.”

Luigi hummed. He thought back to all the times Mario talked about Peach, his cheeks rosy and his smile soft. Of the late nights Mario came home, after spending a whole day at the castle at Peach’s side. Of the time the three of them, Luigi, Mario, and Peach, had climbed a grassy hill to have a picnic, and when the sun set, Mario stared at Peach like she was the most perfect being he’d ever laid eyes on.

Luigi smiled. “Mario always prioritizes Pea—my needs first, whether that be helping me with work when I’m sick, holding my things for me, making me my favorite tea when I’m sad, and always being ready to help, no matter the job. He’s just… so caring.”

Bowser drummed his claws on the table, saying nothing.

Luigi stared at him until he realized it was his turn. “Oh! Right. Uh, why do you have so many kids?” From what he’d seen, most koopas just had one or two children. He just hoped Peach didn’t already know the answer to this.

“My children?” Bowser tilted his head, eyeing Luigi, before a look of affection appeared on his face. “Well, you’re right, our family is a bit unusual. All of them, except Junior, are adopted, but I love them all equally.”

“Adopted? Why?”

“Uh, uh. My turn.” He tapped a claw to his chin. “Speaking of family… you mentioned the Mario Bros. had an incident with their parents, while you were drunk. Care to elaborate on that?”

He what? Luigi put his hands under his legs. He really shouldn’t have drank so much last time. “Oh, well…” Should he just lie? But he had no idea what he divulged when he drank. “You know Mario and Luigi came here from a warp pipe, correct?”

Bowser crossed his arms over his chest and let out a huff of smoke. “Yes, a pipe that you’ve since closed off.”

Thank heavens for that. After Bowser’s castle got sucked through the pipe and caused all that damage to Brooklyn years ago, Luigi and Mario had traveled back and forth, visiting both the Mushroom Kingdom and their family. But more and more creatures kept causing trouble in the human world via that pipe, so Peach ordered it closed off.

Of course, she had discussed it with Mario and Luigi first, asking that they decide which world they wished to stay with. The two of them had chosen the Mushroom Kingdom.

Luigi explained, “Well, before it was closed off, the Mario Bros. went back to Brooklyn to visit their families often. One day their parents were taking a taxi to the nearby airport, to visit some relatives in a place called Italy. Another car ran a red light, and, well…” Luigi looked down at his lap, and he squeezed the fabric of his pink dress with his hands.

“Their uncles, aunts, and grandfather wanted to move back to Italy, to be with the family they had left and to leave the bad memories of Brooklyn behind. Mario and Luigi insisted on staying, to keep the memories of their parents alive. However, they were outvoted, and their home was sold quickly. With nowhere else to turn, they decided to make the Mushroom Kingdom their home.”

They had said their goodbyes to what was left of their family the day before Peach had told them she had decided to close the pipe. So they gathered their belongings and moved into a small home on the outskirts of the Mushroom Kingdom capital, Toad Town. Luigi still couldn't believe just how quickly everything changed for their lives.

Luigi sighed. “A-anyways, why did you adopt?” He looked up and thought he saw a look of sympathy on Bowser’s face, but he blinked and the look was gone.

“My children, save Junior, came from different tragedies. They had all been living together at an orphanage, and I was looking for war leaders I could train from the ground up. But I quickly became attached to them, so I took them in as family instead.”

“But don’t you still use them as… ‘war leaders?’ When Mario comes to save me?”

Bowser scowled. “Unlike squishy humans, koopas are strong. They can take a few hits. And besides, I only have them guard captured territory if they ask. I never force them.”

Luigi blinked in surprise. He had thought Bowser used anything and anyone at his disposal.

Bowser grinned. “Now, I get two questions. You just asked me two in a row.”

Luigi shook his head, though he couldn’t help the small smile on his face. “Right. Ask away.”

The two of them continued chatting throughout the morning. Luigi discovered a few things about Bowser, like the fact that his parents passed away when he was young, and Kamek raised him. Or that flowers made Bowser sneeze. Or that his favorite dish was steak, and his least favorite dish was corn chowder. Or that Kamek complained about his emo phase when he was younger, so Bowser kept wearing his spiked collar and bracelets just to spite him. And because they still looked cool.

After hours of chatting, Luigi realized he hadn’t been keeping track of the number of questions he had asked. He looked up at Bowser, who shot him a toothy smile, and he knew Bowser hadn’t been keeping track, either. Though, he wondered if that was Bowser’s plan all along.

A knock sounded at the door. A servant opened it once Bowser grunted in approval, and the servant announced that lunch was served.

Luigi felt a little guilty that Bowser didn’t get much work done this morning. But then he reminded himself that he was being held captive here, so what did he care?

The two of them walked to the dining room, where the koopalings were already seated.

“Mama! Mama! Can we… What’s up with that thing around your wrist?” Junior asked. He stood in his chair and used his fork to point at Luigi’s chains. Junior followed its direction with his eyes and saw the same thing on Bowser’s wrist. “What’s going on?”

Luigi looked down the table at Ludwig and Wendy. Wendy watched the entire exchange with rapt attention. Ludwig simply glanced up from the book he was reading.

“I’m afraid, Junior, there was a mishap with a spell from your brother and sister,” Bowser explained. “Which is why you must be careful when doing magic. Remember that time with your paintbrush?”

Junior slowly sat down and looked at his plate of food. “When you were sleeping? And you got all big and scary because I painted on you?”

“Yes, that time.”

Junior poked a chicken wing on his plate with his fork. “Yes, I remember.”

“Exactly.” Bowser let his voice carry across the whole table. “Let this be a lesson to all of you: carefully read the spell you’re trying to do and perhaps test it on something small first. Not your father.”

“Sorry, father,” Ludwig and Wendy chimed.

Luigi narrowed his eyes. The two of them didn’t sound particularly remorseful. Though, they probably thought Bowser wanted to spend more one-on-one time with "Peach."

Bowser had already dug into his food. So Luigi simply sighed and ate his food as well.

Junior started a long, rambling story about all the pictures he drew today and wanted to show Luigi. Luigi nodded along, though his gaze found its way over to the chain around Bowser’s wrist. The see-through handcuff sat right around Bowser’s actual spiky bracelet, giving it an almost spectral look.

Were those bracelets actually spiky? Bowser picked up his children all the time, so surely not, right?

As Luigi continued to study them from afar, he heard a familiar rattling sound. He looked at the chain between them, and he watched in horror as they snapped to an even shorter length. Luigi’s much smaller body launched onto the table in Bowser’s direction. He knocked his own and Bowser’s plate of chicken wings over, sauce getting onto his pink dress. He skidded to a stop with half his body hanging off the table, Bowser’s upside down face looking at him in confusion.

Luigi tried to sit up, but their chain was now only a foot long.

Bowser picked Luigi up, a snarl on his face. He hissed, “Did you ruin my meal on purpose?”

“Of course not!” Luigi tried to move away from Bowser’s face, but the chain kept him in place. And Bowser’s tight grip on his body.

The two were interrupted by the koopalings all bursting out laughing.

“She’s got a chicken wing in her hair!” Junior giggled. He clutched his stomach as he let out his squeaky laughs.

The twins grabbed a wing in each hand, tipped their heads back, and tried balancing a wing on their snouts.

Wendy laughed behind her hand. Ludwig coughed, but even he had a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

The green-haired Iggy muttered something about wishing he had a camera, while Morton and Roy let out guffaws.

All of their eyes were on Luigi and Bowser.

Luigi frowned, his face heating in embarrassment. He wanted to be anywhere else but here.

The chains clanked and lengthened between him and Bowser. Luigi tilted his head. Curious…

Luigi said, “Please put me down. I’d like to go wash up now.” He channeled as much Princess Peach as he could muster into those two sentences.

Bowser gently set him down and plucked the chicken wing from Luigi’s wig. He tossed the wing onto the dining table and said, “Of course, princess.”

Luigi could feel Bowser’s smirk on his back as he left, while the koopalings laughter rang in his ears.

After taking care of his wig and changing into a new dress from the closet in his bedroom, Luigi spent the rest of the day avoiding Bowser and his family. Luckily, the chain stayed long enough for him to do his own thing, so he took a relaxing walk in the gardens and tried to find any books Bowser missed in the library.

Junior at one point begged him to spend time with him, so he looked at the little koopa’s pictures and drawings.

When dinner rolled around, all the koopalings watched Luigi enter the dining room with glee, but nothing exciting happened.

By the end of dinner, the chain had shortened to a few feet again, to Luigi’s dismay. So he had to accompany Bowser as he said goodnight to his children.

They listened to a piano concert from Ludwig, let Wendy paint their nails and claws, talked sports with Morton and Roy, watched a silly circus performance from the twins Larry and Lemmy, and tried controlling a miniature robot Iggy had built. The robot ended up malfunctioning, only after taking a few steps.

Their last stop was Junior’s room. Junior asked them to play a racing game on his video game console. And to play with his toy airplanes. And to draw with him. After doing all that, Luigi sighed with relief when Bowser said Junior needed to go to bed now. But his relief was short-lived when Junior asked for a story.

No “favorites” huh? Bowser liked “all his children equally?” Right.

Junior climbed into his bed. Bowser and Luigi sat on either side of him, each holding a corner of the story book Junior had chosen.

Bowser began reading with his rumbling voice, but Junior interrupted him with, “I want Mama to read some, too!”

Bowser glanced over at Luigi. He grinned. “Think you can handle the voices, princess?”

Luigi gulped and nodded. He hoped he wouldn’t stray too far from his Peach impression.

The two of them read together, Luigi doing various silly voices that made Junior giggle, while Bowser read the narration. Every once in a while, Luigi would glance over at Bowser as he read and wonder why this was his life now. Bowser’s face was soft, his body relaxed. The room felt warm, and Luigi wondered if he ate something wrong at dinner.

About two-thirds through the book, Luigi’s farmer voice was interrupted by a soft snore. He looked down to see Junior had completely nodded off.

Bowser leaned down and kissed Junior on the forehead. He got up, making sure Luigi was following, and put the book away on a nearby shelf.

They quietly left the room, Bowser shutting the door softly behind them. They walked a little ways away from Junior’s room before speaking.

“Peaches, I don’t want you thinking I’m coming onto you when I say this, but you’ll be joining me in my bed, I presume?”

Luigi frowned. “Your bed?”

Bowser gestured to the chain between them; it seemed to have shortened just a little from their time with Junior.

Oh no. He hadn’t thought of that. Luigi’s heart quickened, and he begged the chain to lengthen. But it didn’t do anything. “Uh, I… I suppose. So long as you keep your distance.”

Bowser bowed, his sharp horns pointed at Luigi. “As much as I can. I’m kind and respectable now, remember?”

Luigi rolled his eyes and let Bowser lead him to Bowser’s bedchambers.

Bowser’s room was incredibly large, possibly the biggest bedroom Luigi had ever seen. He hadn’t noticed last time, being too preoccupied with trying to get the ghost and Polterpup out of the way.

The same collection of pictures and paintings hung above the bed’s headboard, though there were more of them this time. He recognized a few from the ones Junior had shown him today, including one of Luigi with a chicken wing in his hair. He wasn’t going to live that one down for a while, huh?

Luigi glanced over at Bowser, only to see Bowser already staring at him. Luigi flinched. “Uh… What?”

Bowser smirked. “Need to get changed, princess?”

Hah! As if that was going to happen with Bowser around. “I’ll just sleep in my dress, thank you. Though, if you could have a toothbrush and a hairbrush brought to me…”

“Right.” Bowser called for Kamek, and Kamek brought the necessary items and even a nightgown. Luigi didn’t bother changing into it, though. That nightgown looked far too thin.

Luigi waited for Bowser to climb into the bed first. Bowser laid on his stomach, his body encircling most of the bed, and he tossed untucked blankets on top of his body. Luigi grabbed a loose blanket and sat on the other edge of the bed, his back to the bed’s footboard.

Bowser eyed him from where he lay. His head rested on crossed arms, and his red eyes glowed softly in the dim lighting of the bedroom. He hadn’t bothered removing his choker or bracelets, which Luigi found interesting. They really must not be spiky after all. Or Bowser’s scales were just that tough.

His claws, which had been painted red from Wendy earlier, looked both ridiculous and dangerous at the same time.

Luigi tapped his knees with his fingers, trying to ignore Bowser’s piercing gaze. His own nails had been painted bright pink, of course. His plan was to stay awake until Bowser fell asleep, but, judging from the way Bowser watched him, Bowser must be doing the same thing.

“Something about you has been bothering me,” Luigi finally said. He wrapped his blanket around himself.

“Oh? Besides my charming good looks?”

“Um…” What was Luigi supposed to say to that?

Bowser frowned. “Do you… seriously think I look ugly? Is that why you don’t want to marry me?”

Luigi blinked in surprise. Was Bowser… actually being vulnerable? “W-well, I don’t think you’re ugly. It’s just hard to like anything about you when you do terrible things.”

Smoke curled from Bowser’s nostrils. “Plenty of people do terrible things. And they’re still attractive.”

Luigi sighed. “No, I guess what I mean is… there’s this human saying: looks fade, but a good heart will keep you beautiful forever.”

“Hmm… So, you’re saying eventually I’ll look bad, and that’s too much for you to bear.”

“No! Look—” Luigi massaged the bridge between his eyes. “I’m saying that, besides the fact that I’m not attracted to you, and attraction is subjective so you can’t tell me to change my level of attraction towards you, you’re also a horrible war lord who is scary and mean.” He took a breath. “Something unrelated to all that has been bothering me. And that something is the fact that you… have good kids.”

Bowser used his elbows to lift his upper body off the bed. “Of course I do. I raised them.”

“And that’s my point! Why is the evil King of the Koopas even treating his kids kindly in the first place?”

Bowser chuckled. His tail flicked behind him. “Well, I’m afraid that just like all people, I am not one-dimensional. And koopas as a society keep their family close and treat them well. Living near volcanoes and lava wouldn’t be possible without that fact.”

“So why can’t you treat me with that level of respect and love? You just treat me like I’m a toy to bend to your will.”

“I do not treat you like a toy—”

“Then let me go home. Right now.”

Bowser opened and closed his mouth, before letting out a low growl. “Then I would be admitting defeat. And the King of the Koopas never loses.”

“You literally lose every time Mario comes to stop any of your evil schemes.”

“Those are just setbacks! Don’t drag that red idiot into this!”

“Why? Because you’re jealous of him?”

Bowser clenched his teeth. The temperature in the room rose. “You better shut your mouth. Or else I—”

But Luigi had had enough of these endless, circular conversations. “Why do you actually need to marry me? It’s not because of tradition. Is it really just an obsession? Because you can get anything you want in the entire world, so anything that defies you is a challenge worth squandering?”

Bowser roared, and Luigi jumped, remembering just who exactly he was talking to. He eyed the door, wondering just how quickly he could get there before Bowser attacked him.

But Bowser only looked at Luigi with a defeated look in his eyes. He plopped back down onto the bed and let out the longest sigh Luigi had ever heard. “The truth is, princess… I just wanted a mother for my children. True, it is an obsession, but at the heart of it, I just want to give them what I didn’t have growing up.”

Luigi thought back to their 20 questions conversation they had. Bowser had mentioned not having any parents growing up… “But… There are plenty of parents who raise their children by themselves.”

“I’m the king. I don’t have enough time to give them the love they deserve.”

“Then why not just hire a nanny?”

Bowser eyed Luigi. “And what? Teach them that love only comes with payment?”

“Better than teaching them that love comes from force.”

Bowser studied Luigi before looking away, shame filling his eyes. Luigi couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

Luigi asked, “And why me? There are plenty of other people you could fall in love with and make a mother of your children. It’s not like I’d have time for them, either, considering I also have a kingdom to raise.”

“But you’re… just so perfect. You’re gentle and kind. You’re so patient with all of them, and that’s a tall order for eight kids. I’ve never met anyone else who fits the bill quite like you.”

Oh dear. Luigi hoped he hadn’t made Bowser fall even more in love with Peach during his stay here. Should he ignore the children from now on? But even just imagining Junior’s sad face made his heart ache.

Luigi removed his blanket, stood, and walked across the soft bed. He knelt down and placed a hand on Bowser’s arm. “I… I’m sorry, but I still won’t do it. I have my own life, even if you think I fit perfectly into yours.”

Bowser looked at Luigi’s hand on his bicep and shrugged Luigi off. He turned until his shell faced Luigi, and Luigi rolled his eyes.

That was the closest Luigi had ever gotten to the true reason for all these kidnappings. Sure, the reason didn’t excuse Bowser’s actions. Not by a long shot. But it was a start. As he sat back on the other side of the bed, he just hoped that he had finally gotten through to Bowser’s thick skull. The skull that, if it got any thicker, one could start to mine it for diamonds.

Chapter Text

“I’m going to send Luigi home, once this chain spell is gone.”

Kamek looked up from the papers he had been examining. The two of them sat in Bowser’s office, the couch from before still sitting across from Bowser’s desk. Kamek sat on the couch, and Bowser sat behind his desk, his gaze unfocused. Bowser’s chain was long, the chain going through the wall.

“What for, sire?” Kamek asked.

“I just am.”

“Without revealing you knew who he was all along?”

Bowser sighed and nodded.

Kamek tilted his head. “Why the sudden change in plans, Your Thoughtfulness? They planned to make a fool out of you. Now it’s your turn to have the upper hand.”

But Bowser didn’t respond. He only continued staring at nothing, his mind obviously deep in thought.

Kamek watched his highness for a moment longer, before shaking his head and leaving the room. He had much to do if Luigi were to be set free early.

At lunch, Bowser watched Luigi eat out of the corner of his eye. Luigi made jokes with Junior and the twins, the four of them laughing and smiling together.

“Princess, there’s been something that’s been bothering me.”

Luigi stiffened. Wendy perked up at the end of the table, and Junior and the twins stopped talking.

Luigi said, “Oh, uh, besides my charming good looks?”

A startled laugh escaped Bowser, before he turned it into a cough. “No. You talk all about kindness and compassion when it comes to romance, but I don’t think you’ve ever been in a relationship before that annoying red brat came along. So how do you even know what you’re talking about?”

“Er…” Luigi rubbed his mask, and Bowser realized he was trying to rub his mustache. Or the place his mustache would be, if it weren’t hidden. Must be a reflex when he was deep in thought. “Well, just like you, I didn’t have parents. I was raised by my kind advisor, Toadsworth. Plus, I’ve seen plenty of healthy relationships happen with my toads and their families.”

Bowser thought about all his servants. They often took week-long shifts of staying at the castle and then going back to stay with their families at home for a week. And oftentimes, they were too scared stiff of Bowser to even bother talking about their love lives.

And Bowser would rather drown himself in lava than stoop low enough to have to ask servants for love advice. As much as they’d probably love to give it to him, with all his failed romancing Peach attempts.

He… kind of wanted to know what experience Luigi himself had with romance. But he couldn’t ask that.

Had Luigi ever kissed anyone? Or held their hand? Who was Luigi’s type?

Bowser realized he was staring when Luigi cleared his throat. Bowser jerked into an awkward nod. “I see.” He went back to eating his plate of barbecued meat, his eyebrows furrowed.

“Princess Peach,” Wendy called.

Luigi turned his gaze to the koopaling.

“It’s been a while since we’ve done a makeover together. Care to join me?”

Bowser eyed Wendy suspiciously. Peach had never done makeovers alone with Wendy before, so what was she talking about? Did she know who Luigi truly was? But then, why the makeover?

She just fluttered her eyelashes at Bowser, an innocent smile on her face. “Don’t worry, daddy. I’ll make sure her mask doesn’t come off. I wouldn’t want to catch a cold, you know?”

Bowser nodded, though he tapped the table with his claws.

Ludwig eyed Wendy, too, from over the book he was reading. When he caught Bowser looking at him, he went back to his reading, a little too quickly.

“But, Mama!” Junior cried. “I want you to play with me today!” He hopped off his chair and walked around the table to Luigi’s side.

Luigi stood and patted Junior’s head. “And I still can, bambino. But your sister asked first. So I’ll hang out with you after, okay?”

Bowser mouthed the word bambino, wondering what he meant. He was too busy mulling over the word that he didn’t see Junior tugging on Luigi’s hand a little too hard; Junior’s dull yet still pointy claws scratched Luigi’s hand, ripping the white gloves he wore.

Luigi hissed in pain and pulled his hand away. Junior froze. Bowser stood, and the rest of the koopalings looked over at the commotion.

“I’m sorry! I… I didn’t mean to! I—” Junior cried, his eyes wide. He looked from Bowser to Luigi in panic.

Luigi held his hand close to his chest and smiled down at Junior. “It’s okay. I know it was an accident.”

Bowser had moved to Luigi’s side before he could even register what he was doing. He took Luigi’s hand in his and slowly removed the glove. Blood welled up on the back of Luigi’s hand from three long scratches. They weren’t too deep, but, from the way his hands trembled, they must hurt.

Bowser swooped Luigi up into his arms. Luigi let out a shriek of surprise, which the older koopalings giggled at. Junior stepped in front of Bowser, still waving his arms around and apologizing.

“It’s fine, Junior,” Bowser said, his voice a low rumble. “I’m just taking her to the infirmary.”

Junior looked down, his hands slumped at his side. Bowser would deal with him later. He walked around his son and left the dining room.

He made it to the infirmary in record time, and he set Luigi down on one of the hospital beds and closed the curtain around it. A nurse immediately slipped past the curtain, her eyes wide with surprise.

“She has a cut on her hand. Treat my bride with extra care,” Bowser ordered.

The koopa nurse bowed. “Of course, your highness.” She pulled out some supplies from a nearby drawer and gently took Luigi’s hand in hers.

Bowser crossed his arms over his chest, eyeing the nurse down to make sure she didn’t make any mistakes. The nurse, to her credit, worked calmly. He supposed a high stress environment like this would do that to a person.

Luigi avoided Bowser’s gaze and kept his eyes to the floor. His unhurt hand rested in his lap.

After a few awkward minutes of dead silence, the nurse pulled away from Luigi’s now wrapped hand. “All done!” she beamed. She turned to Luigi. “Would you like a mushroom to make the pain go away?”

Luigi startled and waved his hands around as he said, “No, no! Over a small cut like this? I’ll be fine.” He smiled at the nurse.

Bowser growled and picked Luigi up into his arms again.

The nurse just smiled and bowed to Bowser. “Thanks for coming in your highness. Feel free to stop by again if any more issues arise.”

Bowser only nodded at her before leaving the infirmary.

After Luigi assured Junior he was really all right and that he forgave the little koopaling, Bowser took Luigi to Wendy’s room.

Wendy opened her bedroom door, a neutral expression on her face. “Finally you brought her here. I thought you’d hog her to yourself all day long!”

“We just visited the infirmary,” Bowser assured her, setting Luigi down gently.

Luigi looked back at Bowser, who already turned to walk away, and followed Wendy into her bedroom. The color scheme and overall design of the room reminded him of Peach’s castle. The entire place exuded softness and beauty, whereas Peach’s room at Bowser’s castle was much too bright for Luigi’s tastes.

Wendy gestured for Luigi to sit at her vanity desk. He watched Wendy move behind him in the vanity’s mirror; she brushed through Luigi’s wig. He sincerely hoped it would stay in place, though he found himself holding the edges near the top of his scalp down with his unbandaged hand.

“Is something wrong?” Wendy asked. She paused in her brushing.

Luigi flinched. “N-no, why?”

“You keep holding the top of your head… I’m not brushing too hard, am I?”

“Oh! No, I just like playing with my hair sometimes.” He let out a fake chuckle.

Wendy eyed him for a moment through the mirror, before looking away with a small smile on her face. She set down the brush and pulled out some curl rollers and pins from one of her desk’s drawers. She separated out small pieces of the wig and started rolling them up and pinning them in place.

Wait. Why did she even have a brush? Or curl rollers? She didn’t have hair.

“Do… Do you do makeovers often?” Luigi asked. He thought about yesterday, when Wendy had painted both Luigi and Bowser’s nails.

Wendy’s eyes softened. She nodded and said, “Daddy allows me to do his hair sometimes. He doesn’t like it when I make it curly, but I think he looks handsome that way. The twins like it when I style their hair, but that’s if I can catch them before they’re off causing trouble.”

That was… actually really sweet. Luigi thought back to his conversation with Bowser in his bed, and he wondered who taught Wendy to do makeovers. He imagined Bowser painting Wendy’s nails when she was a smaller koopaling, and his chest clenched for some reason.

“How have things been going with you and daddy, anyways? You actually talk to him now, instead of giving him the cold shoulder.”

A chill ran through Luigi’s body. Was… was that what he should’ve been doing the whole time? Now that she brought it up, that would’ve been the easiest way to keep his cover. But he thought back to all his hangouts with Junior, and he shook his head. He would’ve died of either boredom or anxiety just sitting in that prison of a room all day, every day.

Luigi squeezed his hands together. “Well, while we’re certainly getting along a little better now, I still won’t marry him. He doesn’t quite grasp what true, healthy love looks like, despite what I’ve told him. Plus, he’s not my type.”

Wendy turned Luigi on the stool he sat on, so that he faced her now. His wig was all rolled up into various curl rollers. Wendy reached for Luigi’s mask, and he leaned away from her, covering his mouth with his hands.

“What are you—”

“Look, I’ve already seen what your new nose job looks like, all right? I won’t judge, and neither will daddy if he truly loves you.”

It was the “truly loves you” part that Luigi was worried about. And the possibility of being recognized. But reluctantly, he took off his face mask and set it onto the desk behind him.

Wendy studied his face for a moment, before nodding and grabbing a makeup bag.

The first time Wendy did Luigi’s makeup, she made him look like a clown. At the annoyed glare on Luigi’s face, she laughed and wiped it away. The next attempt was much better. Luigi actually found himself looking, dare he say, pretty?

She took out the hair curlers, and the wig cascaded down Luigi’s shoulders in beachy waves.

Now, the two of them stood in Wendy’s room. “Hm… there’s something missing…” Wendy mused.

Apparently, “makeover” didn’t just mean hair and makeup. It also meant new clothes. Luigi had tried on a dozen different dresses, all to Wendy’s dissatisfaction. She shook her head at this latest dress while she absentmindedly tapped her wand on her chin.

“Oh, I know!” Wendy waved her wand, and a pink jumpsuit with ruffled sleeves landed in her arms. She handed it over to Luigi. “Try this on. Apparently, this type of clothing is all the rage in the Cloud Kingdom.”

Luigi let out a quiet sigh and went into the bathroom to change. When he came back out, Wendy squealed and looked him over from every angle. She undid a few of the buttons on top, and Luigi desperately hoped his chest hair wasn’t poking out right now.

“Yes! That’s it!” She studied one sleeve closely, then met Luigi’s eyes. “Is pink the only color you wear?”

“I mean, my entire castle is pink…”

Wendy waved his answer away, not even bothering to pretend to listen. “How about…” She waved her wand, and the jumpsuit Luigi wore turned a mint green. He blinked in surprise.

“Er… Uh, I don’t know if—”

“Just look in the mirror, then decide if you hate it,” Wendy said. She walked him to her closet, where a full-length mirror hung on her door.

Luigi shrieked in surprise, clutching the wig. It had turned brown! He looked over at Wendy, who just giggled.

“Ever thought of being a brunette?” she asked. “I thought it would fit with the color of the jumpsuit, better.”

“Er, uh, I mean…” Should he object? If he pushed too hard to stay blonde, would he give himself away? He stared at himself in the mirror, turning his body and looking at the way the jumpsuit hugged his body. It actually… looked good on him. Bowser’s various dresses for Peach were always so tight on his waist, but this was nice. The fabric was even soft. She had even given him brown flats to wear instead of heels, which always made his feet sore by the end of the day.

Sure, the see-through chain on his wrist kind of ruined the look, but there wasn’t anything he could do about that. And the bandage on his hand. But he didn’t want to visit the infirmary again if his wound opened up (though he doubted that would happen).

“Now, let’s go show daddy!” Wendy said, grabbing Luigi’s hand.

“Wait, what!?”

Wendy smirked. “What’s the point of a makeover if you don’t show it off?”

“But I just told you, I’m not going to marry Bowser—”

She just yanked on his arm harder, with a surprising amount of strength. She forced him to follow her down various halls as they made their way to Bowser’s office.

“Mama mia…” Luigi muttered under his breath. He nearly tripped when they came to a sudden stop.

Wendy knocked on Bowser’s office door. She had finally let go of Luigi’s hand. Could he make a break for it? The two guards standing watch outside the door eyed Luigi curiously, but he didn’t see anyone else nearby. The guards probably wouldn’t do anything about it anyways, since he had free reign of the castle. Well, Princess Peach did.

Wait.

He wasn’t wearing his mask anymore.

Oh no.

Right as Luigi took a step away from Wendy, in the direction they had come from, Bowser called, “Come in.”

Wendy grabbed Luigi’s arm and forced him to go inside with her. Luigi struggled against her unyielding grip, to no avail. The two of them stood in front of Bowser’s desk. The couch sat behind them.

Luigi covered his lower half of his face with his hand. Well, mostly he tried to cover up his nose. His mustache was luckily nowhere to be seen, as he still shaved it off.

“Hi daddy! What do you think?” Wendy said. She gestured at Luigi’s new look.

Bowser looked up from his paperwork, irritation furrowing his brows. “My hatchling, I’m a little busy right—” His gaze landed on Luigi, and he froze. Bowser’s jaw stayed open, his eyes unblinking. The pen he held bled ink into the paper he had been writing on. With a clatter, the length of the chains between them shortened, causing Luigi to stumble into Bowser’s desk.

“Do a little twirl, princess,” Wendy suggested.

Luigi flinched and did as he was told as best he could. His brunette wig fluttered behind him as he spun around.

“So, what do you think, papa?”

Bowser blinked and shook his head. He stood, slamming his mouth closed with a click. “I suppose she looks good.” He walked around his desk, obviously talking to Wendy, but his gaze wouldn’t leave Luigi. “How did you manage it?”

Luigi’s face warmed at the look in Bowser’s red eyes.

“Oh, you know, magic and stuff,” Wendy said, looking away with her hands behind her back. “I thought it’d be nice to give her a change in color palette for once.”

“Yes, a good choice, my hatchling. Excellent job.”

Thump, thump, thump. What was that?

Bowser walked around Luigi and scooped Wendy up into a hug. She squealed as Bowser lifted her onto his shoulder. Meanwhile, Luigi dodged Bowser’s wagging tail. He had never seen it move so fast before. Was that the noise he had been hearing? But it had been hitting Bowser’s desk before?

Why did he find that endearing?

Wendy cried, “Okay, okay! Daddy! Put me down!”

Bowser chuckled and gently set Wendy down on the floor. He rubbed the top of her head with his hand, though he avoided touching the bow in her hair.

Something was seriously wrong with Luigi. His heart wouldn’t stop clenching.

Wendy looked at her arm and gasped. “Oh no! Sorry, I’ve gotta go! Ludwig and I have spell casting lessons with Kamek right now.” She waved and ducked out of the office before Luigi could blink.

Did koopas even wear watches? Luigi frowned.

Then he realized he was alone with Bowser.

Luigi slowly looked up and met eyes with Bowser. The both of them looked away awkwardly at the same time.

“Er, my daughter has a gift, huh?” Bowser said. He rubbed the back of his head.

“Oh, uh, yes. I never thought I’d look good as a brunette.” Luigi lightly chuckled.

“Yeah! I mean, yeah, you do… look good. With brown hair. I would’ve never guessed.”

Was their chain getting shorter?

“Um, thank you.” Luigi twiddled with his fingers. He looked down and saw that, indeed, he was slowly sliding on the floor. Closer to Bowser.

“Is there a reason you’re hiding part of your face?” Bowser asked.

Luigi hadn’t put his hand down, and his arm was shaking now. “Oh, uh… It’s kind of embarrassing, but the real reason I’ve been wearing a mask this whole time is because I recently got a nose job. And it doesn’t look good.”

Bowser laughed before he tried to cover it up with a cough. “W-what? Seriously?”

“Yeah…”

“Let me see.”

Luigi looked up at him. “What?”

“I wanna see. Just how bad is it?”

“Oh! Uh, terrible. You don’t want to look.”

“But now I really want to look.” Bowser leaned down.

Luigi looked down and realized the chain had shrunk far enough that he was only a few inches away from Bowser’s plastron. “H-hey! Remember what I said? You gotta actually listen to what I say and respect it.”

Bowser smirked. He grabbed onto Luigi’s hand. “And I thought you said relationships were based on honesty? By hiding this, you aren’t being very honest with me right now.”

Bowser had actually been listening when he said all that stuff earlier?! Blast. He tried to take a step away, but the chain held him in place. “Oh, um, but you only like me for my looks, right? So this’ll make you hate me.”

“Which is what you wanted from the beginning, right? For me to leave you alone?”

Luigi opened and closed his mouth. He had no idea what to say to that. With reluctance, he let Bowser gently guide Luigi’s hand down to his side. He closed his eyes, ready for Bowser to flame him alive for pretending to be Princess Peach this whole time, but instead, he felt something soft touch his cheek.

He opened his eyes and immediately blushed at the way Bowser was looking at him. The soft thing on his cheek turned out to be Bowser’s thumb; the rest of his fingers rested under Luigi’s chin.

“You are… quite beautiful…” Bowser muttered.

Bowser’s compliment felt different this time. Was it because Bowser was looking at his real face? Or was it just their close proximity?

Luigi floundered for a response, but he couldn’t quite get a coherent sentence out. He cleared his throat and said, “Thank you.” He blanched as soon as the words left his lips. He had spoken with a much deeper voice than normal. “I-I mean, you, uh, flatter me,” he corrected with his Princess Peach voice. His face steamed.

Bowser grinned, his eyes half lidded. His free hand slid around Luigi’s back.

Luigi rested his hands on Bowser’s plastron. His eyes darted to Bowser’s mouth and back up to his eyes. “Your daughter is very good at makeovers.” Had they already talked about her? He found he couldn’t remember. The heat in the room was too much.

“I should have her give me one next time. Then we could match,” Bowser said. He leaned closer to Luigi, and Luigi found his eyes fluttering closed.

“Sire, how is the paperwork coming along—”

Luigi let out a shriek as Bowser pushed him away, their chain already lengthened out. He barely managed not to trip as he straightened himself. He double checked that his wig was all right before turning to look at the door.

Kamek hovered on his broom. He eyed the two of them with a poorly concealed smirk. “And here I thought you were swamped with work, Your Brutishness. Were you perhaps swamped with something else?”

Bowser straightened and crossed his arms over his chest. “Wendy brought the princess by to showcase her new makeover. I was simply examining my daughter’s work.” Small flames licked the sides of his mouth as he talked.

Luigi struggled to calm his racing heart. He imagined Princess Peach standing next to him and tried to copy her usual stance. Though, it was a little bit difficult since he wasn’t wearing her usual dress.

“I see.” Kamek pushed up his glasses, obviously struggling to get his usual, stoic face under control.

“I, uh, should go see what Junior is up to. He wanted to hang out today, after all,” Luigi suggested. He tried to curtsy in his jumpsuit, but he only ended up awkwardly stretching out the fabric. He scurried past Kamek, who flew out of his way.

As soon as Luigi was gone, Kamek waved his wand, and another stack of paperwork appeared in the air. It hovered over to Bowser’s desk and landed softly there.

“Oh, thank you, Kamek,” Bowser said. He walked back behind his desk and sat down in his chair. And pretended not to notice Kamek watching him with those beady, old eyes of his.

“So, care to explain what that was about?”

Bowser just kept working. He knew Kamek was stubborn, but Bowser hoped he’d just drop it.

“Have you forgotten that that isn’t really the princess? Or is there something else going on you wish to discuss?”

Bowser growled. He finally met Kamek’s gaze. “Of course I know that isn’t the princess. You think she would’ve acted so disgraceful? Or awkwardly?”

“And yet, I found the two of you in close proximity. So if you knew that was Luigi, what was that for?”

“I told you. I was just examining Wendy’s work. She is quite the artist, don’t you think?”

Kamek cackled. “Right, right.” He eyed Bowser for another moment before letting out a hum. “I won’t bother you anymore, sire. Actually get some paperwork done today, hm?”

He flicked his wand and disappeared before Bowser’s fireball hit him.

Luigi collapsed on his bed, wearing his face mask again. He had spent hours playing with Junior, yet his mind kept fixating on that moment he shared with Bowser. Could he even call it that? Or was that just Bowser coming onto Princess Peach?

For some reason, his chest clenched at that last thought. What was wrong with him? Was he coming down with another sickness? But this wasn’t a sickness he was familiar with.

His mind supplied him with all the terrible things Bowser had done in the past, and he nodded his head resolutely. Whatever… this was… he wouldn’t dwell on it. Bowser was the bad guy. He was selfish, cruel, and a good father to his kids. He listened to the things Luigi said, even if he acted like he didn’t. He wasn’t scared of anything, and he was fiercely loyal to those he cared about. He had incredible muscles, and—

The chain coiled on the floor next to Luigi’s bed rattled. He leaned over the bed and watched it tug towards the wall, where it disappeared. He had wanted to head to the library before dinnertime, maybe catch up on a book. Guess that was out the window.

Luigi stood as the chain pulled taut. He let himself be pulled to the far wall, where the chain disappeared. He expected the chain to stop there, but it kept pulling him. Luigi tried to pull back, his masked face getting closer and closer to the wall.

Luigi braced for impact, only to be phased through the wall, like he was some ghost. Luigi screamed as he flew through wall after wall of the castle. He knocked over paintings, bonked into beds, and got tangled up in a few curtains. Servants dove out of his way as he skidded down a hall, his body bouncing on the floor. Why was it always him getting thrown around? When would Bowser experience this for a change?

After another minute of getting flung through room after room, one of which he thought was Bowser’s office, he eventually skidded to a stop.

Luigi groaned. His whole body would be sore tomorrow from that mishap. At least his outfit was still intact.

He stood up and brushed dirt and other debris off of himself. Where was he? The room had lava flowing along the walls and pointy rocks lining the ceiling. Luigi himself was on a smooth, rock floor, a closed door behind him. Floating rock steps in the middle of the room led to a piano, and sitting on the side of that piano on a bench was none other than Bowser.

Who was staring at him.

With an annoying, wide grin on his face.

“I was wondering when you would notice me, princess,” Bowser said. “What brings you here?”

Luigi gestured to the chain on his wrist. “I was just sucked through a million of your castle walls, your highness. I must say, it wasn’t a pleasant feeling.”

Bowser guffawed. He tapped away on his piano, a soft tune filling the air. “Well, I must say you have perfect timing. I was just practicing a new song I wrote for you. Care to hear it?”

“Oh, no thanks, I’d rather—”

Bowser belted out an incredibly obnoxious song, all about how Peach and Bowser were going to rule the world together and crush anyone who got in their way. The chorus was just Bowser repeating Peach’s name over and over again, and Luigi just found himself less and less impressed.

Bowser finally finished and made a “ta-da” motion with his hands. “So, what did you think?”

Luigi tried his best to keep his grimace off his face, but judging from the way Bowser’s smile slipped off his face, he wasn’t doing a very good job. “It’s, uh, something.”

Bowser huffed, smoke billowing from his nose. Luigi took a step back, or, at least he tried, but the chain pulled tight.

“Come here.” Bowser patted the spot next to him on his piano bench.

Luigi blinked a few times. “Um…”

Bowser growled. “Fine. Will you please come here? If you want?” He looked down at his piano keys.

Luigi’s eyes bulged out of his head. The King of the Koopas… said please? And wasn’t demanding something from him?

Luigi found himself walking up the floating rock steps. He tried to pretend he wasn’t walking over lava. What would have happened if the chain had pulled in the wrong direction, and he had been dropped into a pool of lava? Would he just die? Or would the magic of the chain protect him? Magic didn’t make any sense!

Soon enough, Luigi stood next to Bowser’s side. Bowser glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, a grin slowly spreading on his face.

“Allow me, princess,” Bowser said. He grabbed Luigi and gently set him down on the bench. The black and white keys were huge! And the piano itself was so tall! Which made sense, since this was designed for Bowser, but he still couldn’t believe it.

“Do you have a favorite song?” Bowser asked. He continued to plink away at some chords, softly, though, so he could hear Luigi’s response.

“You’re… you’re asking me?”

“Yes, you. I’m a fan of heavy metal, but I don’t typically play that kind of music. Do you play any instruments?”

Luigi hummed. He had no idea what kind of music the princess liked. And even if he did know, he doubted he could remember any song title. “I like jazz. And I usually play the double bass.” Though it’d been a couple of years since he’s touched any instrument, he still remembered taking piano lessons with his ma back when he was a kid. He had switched to double bass in high school when he took a band class.

Oh wait. He was supposed to respond as the princess. What did she play again? He imagined it was a soft sort of instrument, like the flute.

“The double bass? How fitting.” Bowser’s grin softened, and his music took on a slow, dream-like pace. The lighting of the lava around them made Bowser’s scales glow softly, his red hair nearly a blur.

Luigi watched Bowser play for a moment, until he realized what he was doing: he was playing his own version of jazz music. Of course, it would’ve been better with more instruments. But Luigi found that he liked it.

Luigi’s fingers twitched. Before he could think about it, his fingers tapped out a few chords. He could feel Bowser’s gaze on him; he forced himself to ignore it, heat filling his cheeks.

A low hum slowly rose from Bowser’s throat. That hum turned into low singing, and that low singing eventually turned into a smooth, rich song.

But this song was different from the Peach song Bowser had just belted out. Bowser sang about courage and kindness, about the feeling one gets after a satisfying meal. He sang about the color green, how it’s a hue that whispers life anew in every leaf and morning dew. He sang out compliments, about someone with brown hair and beautiful, blue eyes.

By the end of the song, Luigi realized the song… was about him. Or at least, the Princess Peach he had created during his stay here. His fingers stuttered to a halt, and he stared at the words etched into the piano across from him: “Ludwig Von Koopa.”

Bowser glanced over at him, and he fumbled his next words until he wasn’t saying anything coherent anymore. He suddenly stopped playing, leaving the both of them in silence.

“I… I’m returning you to Mario, tomorrow,” Bowser said. His voice nearly echoed with how still and quiet the room was.

Luigi’s head whipped over to look at Bowser. “W-what!?”

Bowser stood. He didn’t bother helping Luigi down; instead, he walked down the floating steps.

Luigi opened and closed his mouth, but his brain was still reeling. Was this just a trap? Some game to get Luigi to let his guard down? He turned, his mouth working again, but Bowser had already left the room.

Chapter Text

Luigi couldn’t sleep that night. He kept worrying about whether or not he was going to be tricked, or if Bowser had somehow realized Peach wasn’t here all along. He never should’ve agreed to a makeover with Wendy. However, he planned on sneaking the green jumpsuit home with him. Maybe he’ll stuff it down the front of his dress.

When he got up to change clothes, he realized the chain around his arm was gone. He looked at his wrist in wonder and relief. He also took off the bandage on his hand and saw that the scratch was already scarred. Hopefully, he could resist itching it.

A guard knocked on his bedroom door. Luigi straightened his pink dress, one of many in the wardrobe Bowser provided him, and followed the guard to the throne room.

Bowser sat on his throne, his usual air of pompousness about him. Though, Luigi thought his eyes looked a bit more droopy than usual. Did he not sleep very well last night, either?

The koopalings stood by Bowser’s seat. Junior’s eyes were red and puffy. Wendy pouted, and Ludwig scowled at Luigi. The rest of the koopalings simply stared at him. Seemed like Bowser had filled them in on what was going to happen here.

“An airship has already been prepared, princess. We set off. Now,” Bowser commanded. He stood, and the koopalings followed him out. Luigi struggled to catch up, for he was back to wearing heels. He had to keep playing the part of princess and hope his little makeover yesterday wasn’t too obvious.

As they turned a corner in a hallway, Luigi’s foot got caught on the skirt of his dress. He let out a yelp as he tumbled to the floor. When he looked up, the koopalings and Bowser had stopped and looked back at him.

Luigi bounced back to his feet and gave them an awkward wave. “S-sorry, I just fell!” he said with a chuckle.

But no one acknowledged his comment. Luigi furrowed his eyebrows as they continued to stare at him; Wendy, Ludwig, and Bowser had a smile slowly creeping onto their faces.

“What? What is it?” Luigi looked over his body, until he noticed his blonde wig on the floor. He touched the top of his head, feeling his familiar, brown curls. “Oh… Oh dear. Uh, hey! You know, Wendy showed me just how fun it was to be a brunette. So I secretly had my hair done. Yeah. Yeah!”

Bowser, Wendy, and Ludwig looked at each other. Then they burst out laughing.

The rest of the koopalings tilted their heads in confusion. They looked from the trio who were holding their guts to Luigi, who picked up the wig and held it in his shaking hands. He had no idea what they were laughing about, but he had a bad feeling.

“What’s all the ruckus about?”

Kamek appeared in the hallway with a puff of smoke. He scowled at everyone and shook his head in disappointment, until his gaze landed on Luigi. His scowl quickly turned into a smirk. “Well, what do we have here?” He waved his wand, and Luigi’s face mask fell to the floor. “Is this the ever-so-unfamous Mario brother? Finally revealed yourself, eh?”

“WHATTT!?” Junior shrieked.

The twins giggled.

Roy and Morton let out long sighs as they smacked their large foreheads.

Iggy muttered, “Finally…”

Bowser wiped tears from his eyes as he pushed through his crowd of hatchlings to approach Luigi. Luigi looked behind him. Could he make a break for it? He made it a couple of feet before Bowser’s huge hand wrapped around him and lifted him into the air.

Luigi squirmed and struggled, until Bowser squeezed him enough to make his ribs twist uncomfortably.

“Of all the days to reveal yourself, of course it’s the day I take you back to that tiny brother of yours.” Bowser shook his head, smiling giddily. “Man, you’re a riot.”

“W-wait, w-what?” Luigi tried to breathe, but he found he couldn’t get enough air. “You… you say that like you…”

“Like I knew the whole time?” Smoke billowed from Bowser’s nostrils. “Of course I knew. You were terrible at impersonating Peach. So I thought to myself: why not return the favor? And was it worth it, children?”

Most of the koopalings nodded in agreement, likely because they knew that was the answer Bowser was looking for, except for Junior, Morton, and Roy.

“Morton didn’t know!” Morton cried. He had tears in his eyes.

Roy agreed with a nod. He patted Morton on the back.

Junior’s face twisted with rage. “That wasn’t Mama Peach the whole time!!?” He stomped his foot. “And you didn’t tell me, papa!? That was the best Mama I’ve ever had!”

Bowser scratched his cheek. “Well, son, you aren’t the best at keeping secrets.”

“Am too!”

“Right. Anyways, do you feel properly bamboozled, Luigi?”

Luigi thought back to all his conversations with Bowser. How Bowser didn’t once react to any of his slip-ups. How he always had that stupid smirk on his face, just like he does now. “But then… all the flirting…”

“I couldn’t let you know I knew, could I?”

Wendy opened her mouth to say something, but Luigi was already asking, “And the talking? Why not just throw me in the dungeons?”

Kamek huffed. Luigi suspected Kamek had a thing or two to say about that.

“I was using you for information, duh.”

“R-right…” Luigi frowned. “And what information was that, exactly?” He hadn’t shared anything truly worthwhile. At least, not from a political standpoint. He tended to avoid those meetings because of how much of a bore they were.

“Er…”

Kamek gave Bowser a pointed look.

Bowser cleared his throat. “That’s a secret. Which I’ll happily use against you and the Mushroom Kingdom.”

“Mamma mia...” Luigi muttered. He jumped as Bowser moved with a lurch.

“While this has certainly been an interesting development this morning, we do still have an airship that’s waiting for us,” Bowser said. He walked down various hallways, the children and Kamek following behind him.

Luigi shook in Bowser’s grasp. So this was a trap then. One last hurrah to shove it to Luigi and his terrible Peach impersonation. And he had thought he had been doing so good, too! But it was all just a waste of time!

Though, the more Luigi thought about this whole thing, he found it to be strange. By keeping Luigi here, instead of just throwing him to the dungeons and capturing the real Peach, Bowser let Mario and Peach have proper alone time together. What was his end goal? To make Luigi empathize with the King of the Koopas? Or was he really just looking for the insider’s scoop on how to win Peach’s heart?

But why not just capture Mario then? Luigi shook his head. Bowser would never stoop so low as to ask for advice from his arch nemesis. Although, he had to admit that image was quite funny in his head.

They hadn’t bothered to tie Luigi up. And they had left him in his Princess Peach outfit, except the wig and face mask had been teleported away by Kamek. He couldn’t stop shaking as he stood on the bow of the airship, a railing preventing him from falling.

The koopalings were running around and pointing at various things like the hyper children they were. Kamek struggled to keep them all from hurting themselves.

Bowser stood at Luigi’s side. Luigi glanced at him, only to meet Bowser’s gaze. Bowser quickly looked back to the scenery in front of him, which was currently the edges of the Dark Lands. The ship flew over a volcano, and Luigi waved the smoke away from his face.

“Bowser, uh, for the record, I want to say that this wasn’t my idea,” Luigi said. He clasped his hands behind his back.

Bowser raised an eyebrow. “Okay? So who’s idea was it then?”

Luigi winced. “Princess Peach’s.” It was meant to be a quick rescue, a short trip away from home. And now Bowser was the one taking him back to the Mushroom Kingdom. Well, supposedly. At least they were going in the right direction.

But instead of roaring in frustration or stomping his foot or just having a tantrum in general, Bowser simply nodded. “She is quite smart,” he said. “I’ll give her that.”

Luigi expected him to elaborate or grab Luigi and say “Gotcha!” But Bowser just continued to stand there. The two of them stood in silence the rest of the ride.

About an hour later, they descended on an open patch of sand in the middle of a beach. A warm breeze carried the scent of salt and fish from the nearby ocean. In the distance, Luigi spotted two people wearing green and red. He squinted, before he broke into a smile.

Luigi gauged Bowser’s reaction when he neared the edge of the ship. Bowser didn’t notice because his gaze was still on Peach and Mario, who were running up to them. Just as Luigi put one leg on the railing, Bowser grabbed him by the back of his dress and jumped into the air. Luigi screamed the entire way, until they landed on the soft sand below. Palm trees hung overhead, providing lovely shade from the hot sun.

The koopalings hung back on the ship, though they watched from the railing. Kamek hovered above them on his broom and watched the exchange with narrowed eyes.

Peach and Mario stopped about 30 feet away from Bowser and Luigi. Peach still wore a green version of Mario’s outfit, and Luigi realized that that was actually one of his own pairs of clothes. She even stole his hat!

“So, did you enjoy the little vacation I gave you?” Bowser drawled. He still hadn’t put Luigi down. His hand wrapped tightly around Luigi’s body.

Mario shook his fist at Bowser. “Put my fratello down!”

Peach crossed her arms over her chest. “If you hadn’t doubled the troops, we could have actually saved Luigi and gone on vacation in the time it took to get here.”

Bowser grinned. Luigi’s eyes widened. Is that why Mario took so long to get to him? Bowser had made it more difficult for them? Was it just spite or something else?

With a shrug, Bowser said, “Perhaps you shouldn’t have tried to make a fool out of me.”

Peach rolled her eyes. “As if you need help with that. Just hand Luigi over. Now.” She took a step forward before going into a fighting stance.

Mario reached into the front pocket of his overalls. Luigi suspected he had a power-up there.

“How about we make a deal?” Bowser proposed.

Luigi sighed. “Here we go,” he muttered.

“I’ll give you Luigi, if you—”

“Marry you? Hard pass,” Peach cut in.

Bowser growled, “No. I’ll give you Luigi, if you make a peace treaty with my kingdom.”

The entire beach went silent. Mario looked at Luigi with his eyes practically bugged out. Peach opened and closed her mouth, her eyebrows furrowed. All the koopalings looked at each other. Luigi felt all the tension he’d been feeling all morning seep out of his body.

A crab lazily walked across the sand in front of them.

Kamek let out a low cackle, but he didn’t elaborate.

Bowser took a step closer to Peach and Mario. “I’m dead serious about this.” He reached into his shell and pulled out a stack of papers. He even had a pen. Bowser snapped his fingers.

Kamek used his wand to make the whole collection fly over to Peach’s awaiting hands.

With Mario reading over her shoulder while standing on his tippy toes, Peach examined the papers before looking up at Bowser. “You… Why?”

Luigi glanced over at Bowser, only for Bowser to quickly look away from him.

Bowser snarled at Peach and said, “The Mushroom Kingdom and the Dark Lands have been enemies for too long. I’ve decided it’s time to change that.”

Mario took a step forward. “What brought this on? And so… what? You’ll sign this paper and stop bothering the Mushroom Kingdom anymore? Yeah right. We only have your word. How can we trust a conniving monster like you?”

“I know, what a surprise, right? The King of the Koopas actually took a step back and thought about things?” Bowser grinned, wistfully. “Well, I’m done wasting resources trying to gain Peach’s hand.”

He took a deep breath. “I’ve learned now that communication, honesty, and respect make a good relationship. I know it will take time to build trust between our kingdoms, but I hope we can eventually get there. And I wanna say: I apologize for all the horrible things I’ve done. Especially kidnapping you, princess.”

Luigi flinched as he recognized a phrase Bowser just said. Didn’t Luigi say the same thing when Bowser asked about Peach and Mario, ever so long ago?

Peach and Mario blinked in surprise at Bowser’s apology. Like Luigi, they likely didn’t often hear those words come out of Bowser’s mouth.

“I believe you’re not lying, as crazy as that sounds…” Peach sat down in the sand, her body hunched over the peace treaty. “Give me 15 minutes.”

So they all waited as she perused over every line. Luigi watched as her eyebrows became less and less furrowed.

Eventually, Peach stood up with a smile, a real one. “Wow, uh, this actually is pretty generous, Bowser. I’m surprised.”

Bowser huffed, letting out a plume of smoke. “Of course it is. Kamek wrote it up.” He puffed out his chest in pride. “And I meant what I said.”

Using the pen, Peach signed the last page of the document. She walked over and handed it to Bowser. “While I definitely don’t forgive you for all the terrible things you’ve done, at least not yet, I think… I think this will be a good start to new beginnings for both of our kingdoms. So long as this whole ordeal isn’t a ruse. I’d like a copy of that document, by the way.”

Kamek nodded from where he hovered on his broom. He flew the document from Bowser’s claws to his own and waved at it with his wand. The document duplicated itself, and he magicked the duplicate down to Peach. She folded it up and stuffed it down the front pocket of her overalls. Kamek waved his wand, and his copy of the document disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

Peach took a step back. “Now, release Luigi.”

Bowser nodded. Luigi could feel the grip around his waist loosen, until he heard, “Wait, that’s it?”

They all looked back at the airship, where Ludwig and Wendy stood on top of the railing. The rest of the koopalings looked at them in surprise.

Wendy pointed down at Bowser with a perfectly manicured claw. “You’re just going to let the love of your life go?”

Bowser growled, “Wendy! I’m not interested in Peach anymore! We’ll discuss more once we—”

“I wasn’t talking about Peach.”

The beach went silent again. Peach’s face scrunched up in confusion. Mario stared at Wendy and readied himself for a fight. Bowser’s jaw clicked as he opened and closed it. Luigi’s heart stopped.

The crab from earlier snapped its claws at Mario’s ankles. Mario yelped and jumped away from it.

“What… What are you talking about?” Bowser asked. But his face was rapidly turning red.

Ludwig rolled his eyes. “Oh come on! You’re so obvious!” He pointed his wand at Bowser. “What, you just decided to have a change of heart? Just because? You obviously did it because Luigi finally got through to you, when no one else ever has. And now you’re just going to leave things as is?”

Luigi looked over at Bowser, who steadfastly refused to make eye contact with him.

Junior climbed onto the railing Wendy and Ludwig stood on and pushed them aside with strength Luigi didn’t know he had. He shook his fist into the air and cried, “I want my new mama back!”

The rest of the koopalings nodded their heads in agreement.

“You… you’re in love with my little bro?” Mario said in disbelief. He looked like he had just been slapped. “Luigi, seriously, what did you do?!”

“I didn’t do anything!” Luigi hissed. “He asked about you and Peach, so I explained to him what makes a good relationship.”

“Nuh uh!” Junior called. He had his hands on his hips, and it was incredibly adorable. “You also made food for us.”

“And you played tennis with us,” Lemmy and Larry called.

“And you let us play with your doggy,” Morton said.

Wendy sighed wistfully. “You two would be so cute together…”

Ludwig huffed. “You’re way better than that stuck up princess.”

“Hey!” Peach called.

Ludwig ignored her.

Kamek grinned. He shot Bowser a sly look. “Care to elaborate?”

Smoke billowed out of Bowser’s nose. It would’ve looked intimidating, if his entire face didn’t look like it was about to melt.

Bowser straightened. He snarled and ordered, “My hatchlings! Let’s play ‘keep away.’”

The koopalings cheered. Luigi’s eyes widened. He had a bad feeling about this.

So did Mario, judging from the way he started running at Bowser.

Bowser grinned and said, “Don’t worry. I’ll bring him back.” Then he took off running, away from the beach and ocean. Luigi screamed and tried to break free, but Bowser didn’t let go.

Mario jumped into the air, about to pounce on Bowser, but a koopaling landed on him instead.

Bowser carried Luigi to a small town in the middle of the island. Blue and orange piantas, which Luigi had only ever seen at Isle Delfino, ran away in fright. Luigi tried calling for help, but one snarl from Bowser just made them run faster.

Bowser stomped over their dropped fruit and vegetables on the road, until he spotted an outdoor restaurant. The occupants quickly excused themselves, save for the owner of the restaurant. The owner’s hands shook as he demanded Bowser leave his establishment. But at the pile of coins Bowser tossed his way, he took Bowser’s order of two smoothies, both strawberry-banana.

Luigi would’ve preferred strawberry-mango, but he supposed he’s just lucky not to be dead right now.

Bowser sat down carefully at one of the outdoor tables, and the metal stool he sat on didn’t break. He gently set Luigi down in the chair across from him, though Luigi could tell he was watching to make sure Luigi wouldn’t make a run for it.

The two of them sat in silence for a few minutes. Luigi would get the courage to say something, open his mouth, and wither as he lost any will to speak. Bowser just stared at something past his head, a scowl on his face.

“That wasn’t how I wanted it to go,” Bowser finally said. He tapped his claws on the table.

Luigi looked up and met his gaze. “What? The peace treaty negotiation?”

Bowser clenched his jaw. “No.” But he failed to elaborate.

Luigi furrowed his eyebrows, but he wasn’t going to push Bowser. Who knew what he’d do next? So he just focused on calming down his frightened heart. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in—

“What do you think of me, Luigi?”

Forget calming himself down. Luigi’s stomach rolled with nerves. “In… In what way?”

Bowser huffed out a laugh. “I suppose that’s the big question, isn’t it? I was hoping to slowly show you what I thought of you, but my kids had to go and ruin it. This is why I don’t share secrets with them. They bring them up at the worst moments.”

Luigi’s eyes widened. “T-then…”

With pink cheeks, Bowser looked away. “Yes, it’s true. I…” He sighed. “I have romantic feelings for you. The kind that makes me want to know everything about you.” His tail swished on the floor. “You’re kind and thoughtful, which at first I thought was really wimpy, but then I saw you interact with my kids and…”

Luigi found himself leaning forward in his chair. “But… all the flirting was just for show, right?”

Bowser chuckled. “Maybe at first.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “And now that I think about it, everything you did was for show. You didn’t know I knew, even though I was so obvious. I might’ve misread the situation.”

“No, I—” Luigi froze.

Bowser looked at him with hope, hope that Luigi only wanted to encourage if he was absolutely sure of his feelings.

Luigi turned around in his chair. He thought back to the past couple weeks, and, sure, for the most part he was just trying to save his own skin. But there were moments… moments where he saw a Bowser who would treat him so kindly, so lovingly, that how could he not want more?

The restaurant owner interrupted them by placing their smoothies on the table. In the middle of asking if they needed anything else, the owner yelped as Bowser growled at him. The owner quickly walked back into the kitchens.

Luigi took one long sip of his smoothie. He found his cheeks heating, despite the cold smoothie in his mouth. With a loud gulp, he looked at Bowser and said, “Do… do you really find me beautiful? Or do you just want a secondhand Princess Peach?”

Bowser looked down at him with hooded eyes. He set aside his smoothie and leaned over the table. He easily grabbed Luigi’s jaw with his claws and said, “No one could ever compare to someone like you. You’re everything I’ve been missing, Luigi. I just wish I had realized that years ago.”

Luigi’s blush increased tenfold. Bowser chuckled and ran a claw through Luigi’s hair.

“Then… then I accept your feelings. I… I think I like you romantically, too,” Luigi said. He leaned into Bowser’s touch and tentatively placed a hand on Bowser’s arm. A low purr erupted from Bowser’s chest as he smiled giddily at Luigi.

“Hey! What did I say about keeping your hands off my fratello?!”

Bowser frowned and leaned away from Luigi. He muttered, “I was hoping they’d last another 10 minutes…” Luigi guessed he was talking about the koopalings.

Luigi leaned around Bowser’s hulking frame to see Mario running at them. The koopalings ran behind him, though they kept tripping over each other. Peach walked behind the whole crowd calmly as she talked to Kamek, who walked beside her.

Mario skidded to a stop in front of Bowser and immediately swung at him. Bowser just took the punches to his plastron with a yawn.

Bowser held up a hand as the koopalings approached. They abruptly stopped, a disappointed look on all their faces.

“So, did you figure it all out?” Wendy asked.

Bowser glanced at Luigi, who nodded. He smiled at his children and said, “Yes, it was a success. But next time? Let your father handle it.”

Wendy let out a squeal and wrapped Ludwig up in a hug; Ludwig groaned, though he didn’t bother pushing her away. The smaller koopalings climbed onto Bowser’s shell and took a seat on his shoulders.

Peach and Kamek made it over to them now. Peach placed a hand on Mario’s shoulder, who flinched in surprise. He stopped punching Bowser and turned to look at her.

“So, Bowser,” Peach said. “Does that mean you’re dating the brother of your arch nemesis?”

Bowser’s smile fell away. He groaned and slapped his forehead. “I didn’t think of that…” he hissed.

“Wait, you two are seriously dating?” Mario cried. He walked over to Luigi and grabbed him by his face. “Are you being threatened? Did Bowser hurt you?”

Luigi gently shoved Mario’s hands away and laughed. “No, and no. I think he’s endearing. Same with his kids.”

Mario’s face scrunched up in disgust, while Bowser’s tail wagged.

“And I know he’s got a lot to work on,” Luigi added. “But… I think I see the potential.”

Bowser puffed out his chest and grinned. “Hah! Suck it, Mario!”

One of Mario’s eyebrows twitched. Luigi had a feeling that if Peach weren’t standing right there, Mario would seriously pummel Bowser.

Kamek clapped his hands. “Excellent, excellent. Well, now that that’s all settled, we really must be getting on our way.” He turned to Luigi. “Will you be visiting on the weekends? Once a week for date night? His highness would have no problem visiting, too, of course.”

“Oh, uh, I haven’t thought that far. Uh…” He looked at Bowser. “Maybe we try date nights first? Then work our way from there?”

Bowser stood. The koopalings on his shoulders slid off. Bowser handed his smoothie over to Larry and Lemmy, who tried to rip it from each other’s claws. “Sounds good. I’ll be visiting the Mushroom Kingdom to finalize the peace treaty, so I can come visit after those are done.” He reached down and grabbed Luigi’s hand. He planted a small kiss on the back of Luigi’s hand, before letting go with a smirk.

Luigi barely noticed Mario stepping in front of him with his arms crossed; Luigi’s face was too hot. He’d had experience with dating before, but never with someone so forward. He… kind of liked it. A lot.

The two groups said their heartfelt goodbyes, and then Mario and Peach were alone with Luigi.

Mario turned to Luigi and glared at him. Luigi glared back, though he was unsure what for.

“I can’t believe you and Bowser like each other,” Mario said.

“Look, it wasn’t on purpose!” Luigi cried.

The two stared at each other for a moment longer, before they both burst out laughing.

Mario tackled Luigi into a warm hug. Tears fell from Luigi’s eyes as Mario squeezed all the breath out of him.

“Fratello, I am so, so sorry,” Mario said. “We seriously tried our best to get to the castle quickly, but Bowser just made it so difficult!”

Luigi chuckled a wet laugh. “No, fratello, it’s okay. I had faith in you. And I’m so glad to finally see you again.” He turned to look at Peach. “And I am so sorry we took too long to rescue you in the past. I didn’t realize you couldn’t leave because Kamek placed a spell on the castle.”

Peach smiled at him, though Luigi could see the sadness in her eyes. “Yeah… Yeah. Thank you, Luigi. That means a lot to me. Though, I’m really glad Bowser won’t be kidnapping me at all anymore.”

Mario looked Luigi up and down and let out a low whistle. “So, how long did it take him to figure out your ruse? And what happened to your mustache?”

Luigi rubbed the back of his neck. “Well… Apparently he knew the entire time that I was faking it? But he wanted to get back at me, so he pretended like he didn’t know. So I shaved my mustache every day for no reason!”

The three of them started walking back through the town and towards the beach. Mario mentioned there was a warp pipe there that could take them back to the Mushroom Kingdom. Luigi supposed he should help pay for the damage Bowser caused, now that he was dating him, but eh. He’d let Bowser take care of his own mess.

The three of them kept chatting as they eventually reached the warp pipe. Mario had explained that King Boo paid them a visit, but luckily, Polterpup had come by with Luigi’s Poltergust 3000. Mario had exclaimed that hunting ghosts was so much easier with that device, and Luigi simply laughed and nodded. He wondered how long Boo would stay locked up this time.

Luigi was glad the Poltergust 3000 had made it out because he had completely forgotten it in all the excitement at Bowser’s castle. He wasn’t too worried about Polterpup making his way home on his own, though; he always returned to Luigi’s side eventually.

The warp pipe came into view. It lay under a canopy of palm trees with ripe coconuts hanging from them.

Mario grabbed Peach’s hand and helped her onto the warp pipe. Luigi shook his head with a smile at the way Mario and Peach looked at each other. The two of them jumped in. Luigi waited a moment before jumping in himself.