Chapter Text
“I’m going to stop you right there.”
Halfway through my haste to get out of the dojo, I freeze to look at my mentor incredulously. “What? Why?”
Calm as ever, though looking a little more serious, he keeps commanding my attention. “With assumptions I know you convinced yourself with, I advise against acting heedlessly.”
“It’s not heedless!” I argue. “I’m not going anywhere, I said I wouldn’t, but I need to write a letter. Luffy has to know that-!”
“I know you’re capable of thinking.” he cuts me off, and I know that he is trying to herd the conversation to make a point, but all I can think about is my revelation, because Ace is alive- “So think of it this way. Were you to tell him what you know, what would he do?”
What would Luffy do? Look for Ace, obviously. He would stop at nothing to find his brother who he believes to be dead. Our plan would be put on hold, sure, but I think all of us can let him have that little bit of selfishness.
He knows he does not have me on the same wavelength, so my mentor continues. “Currently you’re the only one with revelations. Can you put your trust in the chance that it would remain between the two of you once you write it down, in a letter, which could go through many hands?”
Well, I am planning on sending it to Shakky because I think if anyone, she knows where Rayleigh is, who I know is with Luffy. Them, I trust. And Luffy… I trust him, but truth be told, I remember that he is incapable at being tactful. Not even mentioning that he is just as awful at lying as I am.
Also, to find Ace he would need a ship with a crew. But our crew is currently heavily wanted and we already got the message, so he either calls the plan off, creating a big mess, or finds someone to help him who might ask why. Even if it works out, he would not know where to look. Ace could be anywhere; the four seas or either part of the Grand Line. I do not know of the limits of that mystery void, and I might as well send him on a wild goose chase.
And if even just the slightest possibility surfaces that the son of the late Pirate King miraculously survived despite what we all saw…
Shit.
My head hurts just by thinking about all the possible ways things could go very wrong very fast. For the crew and for Ace too.
It could be catastrophic.
I could ruin everything.
My body slumps.
I can’t.
“I see you‘ve found your answer.” he notes patiently.
I grimace, heart weighted by feelings of uselessness. “Yes.” We are not ready to face the monsters the news would unleash. I cannot burden my friends any more than this. “So that’s it? Keep it to myself, just like that?”
“Information is a weapon, regardless of whose hand it is in.” Shakky might have said something of the sort. “It’s time you familiarize yourself with secrets weighing down your shoulders. With your affinity to see into people’s deepest parts they might never want to share, that is unavoidable. And who knows where your capabilities end.”
Crossing my arms, I reluctantly agree that he might be onto something.
No, he is right.
Keeper of secrets.
What a strange, book-worthy role to be realized, full of responsibility. “After we reunite, if he asks, I’m telling Luffy.” Though I am far from perfect. “He deserves to know.”
“When the time is right, I’m confident you’ll know what needs to be done.” he nods. “Until then, I’ll teach you to the best of my ability.”
I glance to the side, not comfortable with the sympathy I am looked at with.
I do not think I am close to being who he thinks I am. But I can admit that it is not worth it; tearing up fresh wounds with a half-assed vision, at the expense of my crew’s one chance at getting ready for the New World, compromising Ace’s safety until he is ready to show himself again.
I already have secrets I had promised to keep, what can a few more do?
How many more can I handle?
A thought pokes my brain and I turn my attention back to the old man, eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Wait. You said I’m the only one with revelations, but you definitely sound like you know what, or who, I am talking about.”
There, a twitch of his lips. “Do I? No names had been said, I can feign ignorance.”
I deadpan.
This old man.
Although, if I think about it, at his age, with his experiences, after everything he has already done for me and for willingly putting up with my newfound stubbornness for years to come, I know he is someone I can trust. “It’s fine then.” I say in acceptance, my mind already jumping to how I can subtly write down my thoughts about this whole ordeal. “I trust you.”
“I’m glad to hear.” then. “Now, I believe it’s time for us to get ready for the day, so how about you change your attire for something… more appropriate?”
Huh?
Confused, I look down.
Heat floods my face as I realize that while I was busy tearing down my shed’s door and interrupting some kind of morning meeting, I forgot to change out of my sleeping clothes. I do not even have shoes on.
Ah.
“Y-yeah, I think I’ll do that. Erm, so, great talk…” I shuffle for the door. “Bye!”
I swear I see amusement on his expression before the door closes.
It’s not funny!
---
There is nothing to do to fill the mandatory breaks issued between my training and occasional spars with Herleva. I could offer do to chores or mingle like my mentor asked me to, but I simply cannot get myself to do either of those things.
My mind on the other hand is restless.
So, I write.
#
Entry #12
I saw a weird bird outside my window today. It was missing its toes. It didn’t seem bothered as it hopped while looking for food, then using its strong and intact wings, flew away.
Nature can be quite fascinating.
---
Entry #15
I lost today. Again.
It looks like my friend enjoys beating me far too much than she should be. I think it comforts her to know that her well-honed skills are superior to my innate capabilities.
I don’t fault her, but it’s frustrating; the abyss I still can’t cross.
---
Entry #18
I tried to scale the wall. It didn’t go according to plan… yes, I fell.
Luffy would’ve had a good laugh. Usopp would’ve told a story about him being the climbing champion of twenty years or something. Not like he would’ve tried to do it after me.
I took it as a challenge anyways. I won’t be giving up. I’ll climb you one day, you stupid wall.
---
Entry #19
I didn’t think
This wasn’t my day. I didn’t fight today, or had words thrown at me or anything… it just wasn’t. My limbs felt heavy and it felt like my head was in the clouds, but not in a good way. Is that a thing? I don’t know, I still don’t feel all that good.
The old man might forbid me from training tomorrow. I saw it on his face.
---
Entry #20
Two days! Really?!
That old, scheming, annoying man refused to deal with me for two whole days! The worst is, he did everything in his power to stop me from doing my own workout, and ordered me to help out in the kitchen?!
Okay, it could’ve been worse, but really?! I’m here to get stronger, not to touch up my skills in the kitchen… though I admit, I did make a mean meal from what was handed to me. I wonder what Sanji would’ve thought of it.
If he ever lets me in his kingdom, I might try to recreate it… I’ve got to stop thinking about his cooking. It just makes me miss him even more.
---
Entry #23
It’s not that bad, that uniform. I’m not going to admit it though. Herleva would have my head if she knew I use it as a night robe.
I admit that my fashion sense didn’t improve in the times I have spent away from my island. In fact, quite the opposite. Nami would be disappointed. Or maybe she would take it upon herself to fix the mess that I call a wardrobe. What would she put in it? Skirts and dresses? Or would she go the practical approach? Something simple and easy to clean, which I wouldn’t mind soiling?
In all honesty, I don’t know what I want. I would be fine with anything she chose for me. But maybe, if she still wants to take me shopping, I think I would want to learn what my style is. Have a girls’ day.
That’d be nice.
---
Entry #25
Sometimes I forget why I’m doing this at all. To live my dream? What is my dream? I always thought it was to travel the world, and it still is in a sense, but that’s not all, I think. Not anymore. Because what fun is there in traveling the world alone? Or to be restricted while doing so, both from outside sources and from the inside. In all sense of the word.
I wish to live by my own rules and indulge in my wants. To hold close what is dear to my heart.
I want to be free to do those things.
Is that enough for a dream?
---
Entry #30
I’ve won! I finally won in a fair fight! It was close and I almost fumbled it, but in the end I won. Herleva looked annoyed, but I think I found something else in her expression too. She would probably refuse if I brought it up. Oh, well. I can feel that her hatred is gone. It feels nice, even if her words still sound mean. But progress is progress.
Zoro would be proud.
The next time we meet, I’ve got to challenge him to a fight. I want to see if I can impress him with my progress.
---
Entry #32
I’m tired.
---
Entry #36
If someone were to read this, don’t wonder where the last few entries went. I ate them… not actually, but don’t go searching for them. They’re gone, forever, you won’t find nada. What was in them?
Well, I’m not sharing!
Good luck guessing!
---
Entry #37
Herleva asked today why am I training like I’m running out of time. She said she can’t make sense of me. I think she finally realized that the way I act has nothing to do with some superiority complex.
I told her that my goal is to live how I want to.
And what I want is to travel the world with my friends, free like the birds in the sky, and unbothered like the sea kings in the calm belt. I want to spend my days knowing that I am living my life to the fullest, and I want to share it with those who want me.
For them I’ll go above and beyond. To live up to them, to protect them.
Because I’m the most free when I’m with my friends.
---
Entry #40
I observed a group of trainees’ practice today. It was funny, how they looked like newborn fawns while trying out some new moves.
It reminded me of the uncoordinated way Luffy danced, or when Usopp flailed after his fishing line snapped. Nothing like the sort of grace Sanji shows when he dodges Luffy’s attempts at snatching snacks not meant for him, or Zoro’s sharp and balanced movements while he trains. I’m sure Nami would think the same.
I can’t
---
Entry #41
It’s been months. Nothing is working. I’m desperate. This can’t go on.
It’s time I do something about it.
#
The old mentor is blinking at me blankly. I bear the look without flinching or backing down, resolve solidified like never before.
“I’m afraid my ears have gone bad with time. Could you repeat that?” His tone is carefully controlled.
“I’m going to break it.”
“The wall?” A request for clarification.
I give it without hesitation. “Yes.”
His eyes are searching mine. For what, I have no idea, but if he is trying to look for hesitance, he will not find it. “What brought this on?”
I tell him that after all the unsuccessful meditations and experimental mental remedies, my haki remains out of my grasp, while with each heavy thought I cannot run away from, the lines on the wall spread. I have come to realize that in terms of fixability, it is a hopeless case. So, what is the next best thing I can do when something is irreparable broken?
Well…
“You’re aware of the consequences.” His expression is pinched. “You might not survive the strain.”
“But what if I do?” I challenge his pessimism. “It wouldn’t be my first time facing impossible odds. And I think I have one more miracle to spare.” A playful grin shocks the man in front of me.
“Kid.”
My expression softens at the underlying emotion coming from him. I know. But I want to. “Can I have a request? I wrote this letter…”
People would call me crazy, or selfish, or something in between, but I refuse to go back a burden, even if the only thing I can offer to counterbalance the impossible is my will to fight. I am prepared for any outcome.
An all or nothing.
A last desperate attempt.
Is it not the true pirate way? To not be afraid to risk one’s life? Especially as a member of the future Pirate King’s crew, where being weak or looking pathetic is not on the table. I will carve a place for myself there, whether the price are bloody fingers, more scars or eternal darkness.
This is a risk I am willing to take on.
And now, as I once again face the crumbling wall, I feel nothing but determination. My stride is confident, ripples left in my wake and mist seemingly parting in the face of my resolve. I trace the crack softly with the tip of my fingers, taking one long look at the damage caused by my past.
I dwelled a long time on what the wall could actually be. For days all I could do was come up with theories, and in the end it all narrowed down to one possibility. It is so obvious, I really should have figured it out sooner.
Too busy protecting me to answer my call unless forced. How funny, seeing that it caused this mess in the first place.
Thank you.
Still no sound while I relay my gratefulness.
For protecting me all these years. Without you I wouldn’t have been able to experience what life is like, even if it the fun part came a little late. I chuckle in silence before my expression changes back to being somber. But the time has come for you to retire and go back to where you belong.
Fingers clenched, I pull my arm back and deal the first strike.
I own my story.
And another.
I own my life.
The wall trembles. Like a lightning strike the cracks spread, pieces crumbling to add to the mist coming to life, swirling with my emotions and tearing into my hair like wind.
And I’m taking back the control I’ve been deprived of. Every last drop. Fate and the past be damned. I’m going to survive. I’m going to master haki. I’m going back. So, for the first time in my life listen to me!
In this void of mystery the silence is loud, the sight is marvelous and the feelings are sky high. And maybe for the first time ever, the nothingness is disturbed.
“Break!”
CRACK!
With that, the wall made out of my own will comes crashing down.
***
To my dearest friends,
Please bear with me for a moment and excuse my lengthy rambling. I’ll do my best to convey the feelings weighing my heart and to best share my thoughts plaguing my mind. This way, maybe, you’ll understand.
I grew up an orphan, unwanted, unloved, surrounded by people all my life but always alone. A haven is what they called it. A cage would be better fitting. Though merely now do I realize the truth, for I was blinded by pacifism and my own naivety. Year after year I tried my best to be who I am, only to be worn down by scorn and the judgement of my peers, but I was simply a child longing to be accepted, to be loved. Would you fault me then for giving up?
Oh, how I thought nothing could falter my resolve to fit in and live in acceptance, until that storm came to turn my world upside down. It washed ashore the flame which was impossible to ignore, although I made peace with the life I’ve been dealt with, and believed the flame to be a speck of moment in my life, very much like a storm that would pass.
But it did no such thing. The storm of flames offered to take me away. It wanted me; despite my flaws it reached out, and with it rekindled the flame I thought to be forever lost.
It’s you, Luffy. I know you wouldn’t understand my metaphors. I don’t know what you saw in me, but I’m so very grateful for your presence in my life. Be it giant whirlpools or crazy scientists, savage pirates or corrupt marines, not for a single second do I regret going to the sea with you. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have kept Spots, and would have never learnt that I shouldn’t be afraid of wanting things. Next to you I had no other option but to come out of my self-made shell and learn what it feels like to be truly alive. For that I’ll be eternally grateful.
Zoro, while our relationship started quite rocky, I couldn’t be happier that I’ve met you. I admire your strength, how level headed you remain amidst difficult situations, and the way you always keep looking out for us. Did you intend to test me that time for this reason? You shouldn’t have worried; I always intended to grow until we stood on equal grounds. You just had a head start.
Did you know it would turn out like this, Nami, when you accepted to ‘temporarily’ join? I guess not. Just so you know, I’d do go through many Arlong Parks if it meant I could have you as a friend. Your perseverance is out of this world and I’m so grateful I’ve got to witness it. Your wit notwithstanding, though your cunning can be scary sometimes. I’m lucky to be on your good side.
Lies aren’t my thing, so I can only appreciate the way you can keep coming up with them like it is second nature. Maybe it is. But you know, Usopp, when it comes to our friendship, I know without a doubt it is genuine. You’re a dreamer, a story teller of the mightiest kind, and despite what others think, you’re plenty brave. And trust me, even in writing, I can’t be anything but honest.
As for first impressions, Sanji, your open affection was entirely unfamiliar and just a bit overwhelming; I didn’t know what to do when you aimed it my way. I couldn’t help but keep my eyes on you though, and I’m so glad I did, because I’ve come to witness the calm, collected and incredibly kind man who is not afraid to show his emotions, and I’ve honestly grown fond of your chivalry. Is it too much to say I miss it? Don’t even get me started on those cuisines of yours. You spoiled me so, now nothing else is satisfactory.
You all turned my life upside down.
During my travels far away from you, I’ve faced dangers unimaginable for someone born in the East Blue. I’ve met people of cruelty, felt fear and anger so profound it felt like my chest would burst. I now know of the monsters lurking in the shadows, of the ones in the spotlight and I suspect there to be more we have yet to know of.
Don’t worry; the kindest of people took me under their wings until I remembered what it feels like to be alive again. They reminded me that I’m not alone. Haven’t been for a while. It all came crashing down, the love swelling in my heart while I remembered all the times we spent together.
How I wish to be running around again, carefree like the weight of the world never once graced my shoulders. To sit on the railing with a fishing rod in hand while we piece together a story of grand adventures and mighty warriors. I miss the friendly banters and the silent support never once faltering, and each morning I can’t help but glance at the door, hoping one of you comes sauntering in, offering their company and letting me bask in their kindness.
But more than anything, I want to be free. I want to tear down my obstacles so I can live how I wish to and experience the world. I long to see more. I’d do the unimaginable to have more.
If you’re reading this then I tried, and I failed.
Not the kind of news you’d want to receive, I suppose, and I pity whoever has to deliver it. I ask you; don’t be too hard on them.
Please know that I fought to the very end. I had the ambition, the support, but I was born wrong, and in spite of knowing the risks of my decision, I decided to do it anyways. A pirate should be ready to risk their life, isn’t that right? And as a pirate, I wanted to be worthy to stand by your side, both in strength and in mind. You could say I’ve grown selfish for not considering your feelings on the matter.
I hope one day you can forgive me.
To the rest whom I haven’t had the chance to meet, I know you all deserve the spot that has been granted to you on the crew. I wish I could meet and get to know you, witness your brilliance with my own eyes, but alas.
Could you do me a favor? Live for me too. Enjoy the world which is full of wonders and live your life to the fullest. Even if I’m not by your side, just know that I wish for your dreams to come true, and that you all have the best adventure this life has to offer.
I know that a journey at sea is rough, but I trust that you’ll be okay.
I’m glad to have lived to meet you, my friends. Thank you for everything.
With all the love in my heart,
May