Chapter Text
<->
Today was a normal day, no arguments and nothing interesting was happening yet it was relaxing and calming. The pair was seated outside the stall yet covered under the roof as they were lost in their own thoughts while staring off to the night sky. The tea that Lu Guang brewed was already cold and long forgotten but Cheng Xiaoshi still didn’t fail to occasionally sip.
But the silence, a quietness that was neither awkward or strained, instead it was enjoyable was broken by none other than the black haired.
“This place is my safe haven.”
Lu Guang turned his attention towards the other man, who was still staring at the sky. He was a bit taken aback at this random confession that came out of nowhere.
“Where did this come from?”
The other chuckled, lightly yet carefree. “Can’t I just say whatever that comes to my mind? You never questioned me before.”
“Because those were dumbass questions and this is different. This feels like a death flag.” A slight crease formed between his brows, the white haired felt a bit uneasy.
At that, Cheng Xiaoshi looked back at him with an amused grin. “You should stop reading those thriller books, it’s ruining your mindset.” He joked.
Lu Guang scoffed before turning his attention back to the sky, while the other snickered at his reaction.
“I feel safe and at ease here- with you. No matter whatever happens at the mansion, knowing that I could come here anytime, makes me feel content.” He said, voice gentle and sincere as he stared back at the moon, letting his bangs get swept away by the night breeze.
The white haired glanced at him.
“When I have to leave, I never want to. It’s always a chore.” He chuckled at himself.
‘Then stay’ but those words remained stuck on the other’s throat as he stared at the man beside him.
The wind tousled his black hair, causing it to dance lightly across his forehead. The faint moonlight highlighted the sharp lines of his profile, casting gentle shadows across his face. His expression was thoughtful yet for Lu Guang he was almost ethereal.
“I am so glad to have met you. I don’t think I would even be here if it weren’t for you.”
The white haired knew that it was the same for him. He was the one who changed his view of the world afterall.
“It’s the same for me.”
The other smiled. It was a smile that seemed to light up the room, banishing the shadows and the storm alike. And Lu Guang was captivated by the way the light caught his features and the effortless joy in his expression.
But then the sweet moment was broken as the black haired, suddenly, whipped his head towards him as if he went through some kind of epiphany. Obviously, the white haired flinched at that sudden moment as he felt his cheeks warm up, embarrassed at being caught staring shamelessly.
Thankfully, the other didn’t comment on that.
“Lu Guang! Let’s have a drink!” His voice rang out, excited.
“Why so suddenly? And we just had tea.” He asked, confused.
“Drinking does not have a right time, Lu Guang.” He dramatically waved his index finger at him. “Plus the night is young. Unlike grandpas like you, youngsters like me like to enjoy life.”
The white haired sighed at the other’s antics before getting up from his chair. “Whatever.”
Cheng Xiaoshi grinned, sheepishly and victoriously as he stared at the retreating back.
After a few minutes, the other reappeared with some bottles and two small shot glasses before sitting back and placing a glass in front of the other. He poured some in both of their shot glasses.
“Grandpa, you don’t have to force yourself.” He said, playfully.
Lu Guang felt his eye twitch.
“Don’t make me regret this.”
As if Cheng Xiaoshi gained the reaction he wanted, he bursted out laughing. “You are always so serious.”
Instead of saying anything back, he drank his glass empty. He felt a burning sensation course through his throat and the taste was way too bitter and sweet to his liking.
He grimaced.
When he looked at the man in front of him, he saw the other staring back at him amused and chuckling to himself. “This is the best time to ask me anything!” He said after a minute, excited.
And so, the other didn’t waste any time.
“Let’s expose Madame Yu.”
“Sadly, I don’t have enough evidence yet.”
The white haired frowned, displeased at the answer which made the other giggle at that.
He had no more questions.
But actually he did, but he was way too sober for whatever answer he might get so he poured himself another glass before downing it.
“Woah, slow down.” Cheng Xiaoshi said, surprised at the other being uncharacteristic.
Lu Guang was never into alcohol so he was never a heavy drinker. It was no surprise that he could feel tipsy with just two glasses. But he still had some restraint so he first tasted the words that he wanted to ask as he tried to formulate them into a sentence.
“Cheng Xiaoshi.”
The said man hummed, indicating that he was listening as he downed a glass.
“What do you want to do in life?”
The other placed his glass on the table with a small thud. There was a shift of the atmosphere, it was lightly tense. It was quiet, the only sound being the breeze that passed by them.
“I want to sing.” He spoke, voice laced with sadness and hopelessness. He let his finger trace the rim of the glass as he stared at it. “I want to travel the world.”
The alcohol wasn’t working at all since his chest felt heavy.
Cheng Xiaoshi was a gem. Born to be famous and born to be appreciated by the people. He was a dove, bright as the cloud with wings so wide that could bring him to any heights. Yet, those wings were clipped as he was trapped inside a cage too small, too unfitting. He had big dreams and potential and yet the circumstances chained him. He wasn't supposed to be hidden away behind those walls and behind a role that didn't fit.
He was supposed to be loved and he was supposed to live his dream.
Lu Guang downed another one.
“Why can’t you show that you can sing,” The white haired scowled at the name he was about to utter. “To Madame Yu.”
A melancholic smile was present on the black haired’s lips. “She knows.”
“Then-”
“She doesn't want me to. She said that I wasn’t doing it right, that I was too much of an amateur. And she said that we don’t have money to waste on me and train me.”
“That’s bullshit!” It was probably the alcohol that made him lose his usual composure but the hatred he was feeling for that woman was real. How can she say that to the man who had a voice as sweet as honey? That woman was definitely jealous of him.
Even though the other was taken aback by his sudden outburst, soon he let out a soft chuckle at that, the sound almost foreign, it was bittersweet. “But this is where I grew up. Before Madame Yu became the head of the mansion, it was Madame Qiao, Qiao Ling’s mother. She showed me what I could do.” He poured himself another glass, eyes avoiding the other’s worried gaze. “I was young. No more than 12 years yet I sang my heart out in those theater plays. People looked at me with awe and some even cried because of my singing. Those days may be long gone but I did live out my dreams, Lu Guang. I will never forget those days. I was happy.”
His lips stretched to a heart-aching smile. “I am happy that I got to see people’s smiles and applause. I am so glad that I was able to make people happy. Those moments alone are enough.”
Lu Guang could care less of the number of glasses he drank before he emptied another one.
“Are you happy now? Even if you can’t sing?”
Finally, Cheng Xiaoshi looked at him, eyes softening.
“With you, yes. Yes, I am.”
As the words hung in the air, Lu Guang felt an unfamiliar heat creeping up his neck. It was a rare thing for him to be caught off guard, to find himself on the receiving end of such open praise, but it seemed like a usual thing now with Cheng Xiaoshi. Only with him.
He looked away for a moment, trying to compose himself, but the blush had already begun to spread across his cheeks, a soft pink hue that betrayed his usually composed demeanor.
But thankfully, he could play it off as an effect of the alcohol.
“Corny as ever.”
A dramatic gasp resonated that a small smile tugged on the white haired’s lips.
“I was being genuine, Lu Guaanng.” He whined before letting out another gasp. “Is it because you don’t feel the same?”
Lu Guang knew the black haired was just teasing him and trying to extract the words he wanted from him, nevertheless, Lu Guang would never let the other leave with such doubts.
“I feel the same.” He said, timidly and way too fast.
Nonetheless, the other caught it as he grinned, triumphantly.
“Awww.”
“Shut up.”
“You are so fun to tease, Lu Gaung. Look at you blushing and all.”
“It’s because of the alcohol.”
“Yeah, sure, sure.” He laughed, not buying it at all.
Feeling embarrassed for being caught, Lu Guang took hold of the bottle this time and downed it all at once, while the other could only stare at him in shock.
“Damn, Lu Guang…”
A thud resounded through the night sky as he placed the bottle on the table and brought up the back of his hand to wipe away the residue trailing down from his mouth.
“I am not blushing.” He said, words slurring and eyelids fighting for their dear lives to stay open.
Cheng Xiaoshi chuckled at the scene, eyes conveying nothing but affection. “You are not blushing.” He agreed, even though the other was as red as a tomato.
Lu Guang, feeling accomplished, he let out a ‘hmmf’ before hitting his head on the table. It was way too heavy to keep it up right and he belatedly heard a startled ‘Woah there!’. Everything was spinning and his thoughts grew hazy, like wisps of smoke that he couldn’t quite grasp.
Lu Guang blinked, trying to focus.
Despite his best efforts, Lu Guang felt the edges of consciousness slipping away, his eyelids growing heavy as the alcohol took hold. The sounds of the night faded, replaced by a quiet hum, and the last thing he remembered was Cheng Xiaoshi’s voice, hesitant and it seemed as if he was scared? As he uttered;
“Lu Guang, let’s run away.”
When Lu Guang finally woke, the world was different—soft morning light filtering through the windows, casting gentle patterns across the floor. He blinked, disoriented but relieved to find himself tucked beneath a blanket.
But he didn’t remember ever walking to get to his bed so that means that Cheng Xiaoshi carried him here.
At that thought, his cheeks heated up.
<->
‘Lu Guang, let’s run away.’
Those words never seemed to leave his mind, haunting him through the day and night. He didn’t know if it was something real that the other said or if it was something his drunken mind made up. It is more possible to be the latter since Cheng Xiaoshi was acting as if he never said such a thing. Going on about his day, teasing for being a lightweight drinker and that was it.
But Lu Guang couldn’t seem to forget about it either, he had this weird gut feeling that he couldn’t put a finger on it.
And he needed answers, tired of getting tortured by ‘what-ifs’ that were running amok in his head.
But if it really was him that made up those words, it would be mortifying. So he had to be subtle and he had to formulate his sentences better to-
“Lu Guang, are you sure you don’t want wontons?” The black haired voice cut through his thoughts as he looked up from his bowl to stare at the white haired, perplexed.
“I am not hungry.”
“You have been staring at me eating for a solid five minutes.” He said, as he squirmed in his seat, feeling a bit uncomfortable.
The white haired finally avoided his gaze, guiltily. “I am sorry.”
A small thud was heard as the other placed his chopsticks down on the table.
“Lu Guang, what's wrong?” He asked, voice laced with concern.
It was the perfect time, it was now or never. If he doesn’t ask it now, he will chicken out and never will. So he inhaled a mouthful of air, an attempt to dissipate the knot of nervousness in his stomach.
“Cheng Xiaoshi, tell me. What do you really want?”
Cheng Xiaoshi blinked, processing the unexpected question. “Where is this coming from?”
“Just answer the question.”
At the seriousness dripping from his tone, Cheng Xiaoshi composed himself as he cleared his throat to think.
A silence stretched between them.
The black haired didn’t have to be cautious and hesitant with him.
He would do anything for the man in front of him. He would pluck the stars from the sky for him, he would bring him the moon- anything and everything. Cheng Xiaoshi just had to ask the sober him.
If he wants to run away with him, he would gladly. It was nothing compared to what the white haired was willing to give. He was willing to give anything to see the other happy, to help him achieve his dreams, no matter how big or small.
“I want you to come and see one of my plays.”
Lu Guang looked back at the innocently smiling man, dumbfounded as he tried to ignore the feeling of disappointment creeping inside him. “Is this really what you want?”
The other hesitated as something that the white haired couldn’t understand flashed through the other’s eyes but before he could question it, the black haired spoke, voice steady.
“Yes, it is.”
They continued to stare at each other, neither of them wanting to back down. The white haired wanted to say more- to ask more but he opted for a defeated sigh and an,
“Okay.”
“You will definitely be amazed by my skills.” The black haired said with a mouth full of wontons, chest puffed up, proudly.
Lu Guang’s expression softened. “I know I will be.”
And his eyes were quick to catch the slight redness creeping up the other’s neck and spreading to his cheeks, eyes big and stunned, chopsticks hanging in the air, clearly not expecting that response from him.
He was blushing and Lu Guang thought that he looked adorable.
<->
Lu Guang wasn’t particularly fond of theater, he preferred the clarity of reality to the whims of dramatization but tonight was different.
Cheng Xiaoshi was on stage.
He was playing an almost forgettable background role. His character, a junior disciple in a martial arts school, had only a handful of lines, and Lu Guang knew he wouldn’t be the focus of anyone’s attention. Except his.
The play began, and the main actors entered, their beautiful and delicate voice and dramatic gestures capturing the audience’s rapt attention. But Lu Guang found his eyes wandering past them, seeking out one figure among the many.
In the dim light, stood Cheng Xiaoshi—subtle, almost hidden amongst the actors. He wore the plain robes of a disciple unlike the extravagant outfits the main actors wore, to blend in with the background, but to Lu Guang, he was unmistakable.
His posture was deferential, as it should be for his role, but there was something about the way he held himself, the slight tilt of his head, that Lu Guang couldn’t ignore. Every now and then, Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes would flash with a familiar spark—mischievous, curious, a quiet energy bubbling just beneath the surface.
Even in the background, he commanded Lu Guang’s attention.
And if the white haired didn’t know better, he would have thought that this role was what he was born to play.
As the play continued, Cheng Xiaoshi’s role became slightly more physical. Yet, Lu Guang followed every step, every swing of Cheng Xiaoshi’s sword, watching how his movements held an unrefined grace.
Even as the play neared its end, Lu Guang’s gaze still lingered on the figure standing quietly in the background. Even in his silence, even in the smallest movements, Cheng Xiaoshi seemed to light up the stage in ways no one else could.
Perhaps it was ridiculous, watching so intently, knowing that Cheng Xiaoshi was just a small piece of the production. But for Lu Guang, nothing else really mattered. Even if the rest of the audience barely noticed him, Lu Guang couldn’t take his eyes off him, not for a second.
And he looked magical under those lights, shining brighter than any star.
And before he knew it, the actors were bowing as cheers erupted all around him. He brought his hands together, mirroring the audience, as he clapped.
Then, their eyes met.
Lu Guang’s heart skipped a beat when he saw how the black haired’s eyes crinkled, sparkling in recognition as his lips stretched into a beautiful grin. The white haired couldn’t help but reciprocate it.
Just as the actors left, he stood up from his seat.
They were supposed to meet after the play, behind the Kunqu Opera mansion, hidden behind the walls and the shadow of the night. And he was ready to shower the other with praise and see the all too familiar blush spreading in his cheeks.
Already imagining that made Lu Guang smile as he waited for the other.
“I am sorry I am late. It was a pain taking off those layers of clothing.”
The white haired turned his attention to the source, eyes coming in contact with guilty ones.
Lu Guang’s gaze softened.
“Don’t worry about it. It hasn’t been long since I arrived here.”
The other smiled at that. “So? What do you think? I mean, I wasn’t the lead or anything-”
“You did a good job,” Lu Guang said, his voice steady and measured, but with a warmth that he reserved for moments like these. “You played your role well.”
Cheng Xiaoshi blinked, caught off guard by the simple but sincere compliment.
“Wait, really?” Cheng Xiaoshi raised an eyebrow, a bit incredulous. “I mean, I wasn’t even the focus. You actually noticed?”
“I noticed,” Lu Guang replied, a faint smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “You brought something to the role, even if it wasn’t a lead. You didn’t need to be the center of attention to stand out.”
Cheng Xiaoshi scratched the back of his head, a sheepish smile forming. He could feel his cheeks heating up, though he tried to mask it with a casual shrug. “Well, yeah. I mean, I tried my best out there. Glad you liked it.”
“I saw everything. You gave life to your part, even in the background.”
“You think so?”
He nodded.
“Thanks, Lu Guang.” Cheng Xiaoshi said with a grin that could rival the street lamp they were under.
Maybe Lu Guang was exaggerating but the warmth he felt in his chest was real.
But it was time he had to leave. Even if his feet didn't want to budge, rooted to the ground, he had to leave the other to rest.
He averted his gaze, not wanting to see the other physically deflate. “So, then I’ll leave? See you tom-”
“Wait, Lu Guang.”
The white haired looked back at the other, confused as to why his voice wavered all of a sudden.
The black haired seemed to be contemplating something, hands fidgety, eyes avoiding him. Cheng Xiaoshi shifted his weight, hesitating.
For someone usually so impulsive, so quick to speak, it was strange to see him searching for words.
“Cheng Xiaoshi?” He asked, concern etched in his voice. Lu Guang raised an eyebrow but stayed silent, waiting. His instincts told him this was serious—more than just some random thought or joke. Cheng Xiaoshi was never this hesitant unless it really mattered to him.
The said man took a deep breath before sighing, rubbing the back of his neck in that nervous way Lu Guang had seen a thousand times before.
“I meant to say this for a while.” He paused, searching for the right words and he seemed to be weighing his options. But the silence only stretched further causing even Lu Guang to feel anxious.
“You are scaring me-”
“I am in love with you.”
“Huh?”
The white haired blinked, trying to process.
For the first time in a long while, Lu Guang found himself completely taken off guard. His usually calm, composed exterior faltered as the weight of the confession settled in.
Cheng Xiaoshi’s face flushed and his head was hung low, afraid to see the other’s reaction.
But he didn’t back down.
He cleared his throat instead.
“Been for quite some time actually.” He chuckled, nervously. “I don’t know when and how but I know that this feeling that I feel is love. Because I don’t feel this way for anyone else.”
Lu Guang couldn’t believe it. Cheng Xiaoshi loves him? Someone as boring as him? Someone who has nothing to be proud of?
Someone as selfish as him?
There was no way.
Cheng Xiaoshi didn’t deserve this.
He couldn’t do that to him.
He probably was confused over his feelings. He probably didn’t know better. He was always impulsive so…,
‘Yeah, that might be it.’ He thought to himself, bringing a hand to clutch at his awfully tight chest.
How can someone love a person like him? A person that was living a life at the cost of his family.
He shouldn’t be the one who survived. He shouldn’t be the one to receive such endearment.
He was so undeserving of Cheng Xiaoshi’s affection.
“You make me feel- Lu Guang?” The black haired suddenly asked, worry seeping into his voice as he glanced at the panicking man in front of him. “Are you okay?”
The black haired was about to place a comforting hand on the other’s shoulder, but he stepped away to avoid the touch.
Cheng Xiaoshi froze, before making his hand fall back down as if all the energy was drained from him.
He blinked, his chest tightening. This wasn’t how he thought this would go. It wasn’t even close. He had braced himself for rejection, sure, but not for this—for this uncomfortable gap opening up between them, for the way Lu Guang seemed to be pulling away without saying anything definitive.
“I am sorry.”
Cheng Xiaoshi’s heart twisted.
“I am sorry, Cheng Xiaoshi.” He said before turning over his heels and running away. He didn’t dare to look at the other’s expression.
He knew he was a coward and a hypocrite for saying that the other was the one that runs away from his problems.
But here he was, doing the exact same thing he hated and reprimanded the other over.
He was a person with many flaws and Cheng Xiaoshi deserve much better than a person like him so maybe it was better this way.
Maybe this was the best outcome.
Lu Guang entered the stall and slammed the door behind him. He stood there for a moment, his breath coming in ragged gasps, his heart pounding so loudly in his chest it drowned out the world around him. He leaned his back against it, feeling the cold wood press into him. Then, slowly, he slid down, his legs giving way as the weight of everything collapsed onto him. His knees hit the floor with a dull thud, and he let himself sink down until he was sitting there, back against the door, his head hanging low.
The white haired pressed the heels of his palms against his eyes, trying to stop the burning sensation that threatened to spill over.
His chest ached.
But he knew, because of him, how much worse the black haired might be feeling. He didn’t even want to think about what kind of expression he had.
How did it come to this?
He ended up ruining the only precious relationship he had and treasured.
“I guess that's what I am good at. Ruining stuff.” He said to no one in particular with a shaky tone and a humorless chuckle.
The door behind him felt so final, like a wall between him and everything that had just happened. The reality of it all settled in his chest like a heavy stone, pressing down until it was hard to breathe.
Lu Guang tilted his head back, resting it against the door, staring up at the ceiling with glassy eyes. He had no idea what to do now. He felt lost.
He didn’t know how to fix it. He didn’t even know if he could fix it.
Would they ever return to what they were?
Yet he knew that tomorrow, he probably wasn’t going to see him even though, albeit selfishly, he hoped against it.
But he was proven right.