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The video starts with the blurred closeup of a running Ice Giant, muffled giggles and laughs heard by the camera.
URANUS (OFF-CAMERA): Neptune- Neptune where the hell are you going mate? Wait, where did you get a camera?
The camera flips over to where we can see Uranus staring at the camera, narrowing their eyes at the person, who we can only assume is Neptune, holding the camera. Uranus is holding a paintbrush in their hands, a small canvas behind them with paint smudges on their fingers, hair messy and knotted.
NEPTUNE (OFF-CAMERA): I’m making plans!
URANUS (HESITANTLY): Mate the last time you wanted to make plans it ended with my paint on the floor, several canvas broken and two children crying. Titania still hasn't forgave me for that yet.
The camera view blurs over back to our host, Neptune, who's staring up to look at Uranus with a wide grin. Neptune giggles for a bit before replying.
NEPTUNE: Oh come on, it was super fun!
URANUS: It reall y wasn't-
URANUS: Wait Neptune where are you going?
The camera and its holder sprints away from Uranus, who gapes before putting their paintbrush back and quickly is seen trying to catch up with Neptune.
URANUS (QUIETLY): I guess we’re doing this then….
—
URANUS: We are doing what ?
The camera shows the two Ice Giants walking, the camera view flipped so we could see them. Neptune is smiling widely, Uranus is… not so smiley.
NEPTUNE: Superlatives!
URANUS: How do you even know how to pronounce that-
There's a clear long pause, the workings of Uranus brain cells processing something before snapping back to the universe.
URANUS: How do you even know what a superlative is .
NEPTUNE: I am smart.
URANUS: Yeah sure mate- I’m just not going to question you anymore.
—
URANUS: Should we wake him up to ask or leave him alone.
A long pause.
URANUS: How is he sleeping with his eyes open oh my stars -
NEPTUNE (SCREAMING): PLUTO! Wakey wakey!
URANUS: OH MY GOD NEPTUNE YOU CAN’T JUST-
The camera is zoomed into Pluto, who startles awake, staring at the camera with a shocked expression before gaining his composure and rubbing his eyes. Charon from behind him peeks her head to look at the camera with stars in her eyes.
PLUTO (CONFUSED): Hello-?
URANUS: And he’s awake.
NEPTUNE: Who do ya think the most beautiful or most attractive celestial being is!
PLUTO: Uhm, Charon I guess? Why-
CHARON (CHEERFULLY): Aw really! Thanks Pluto!
Pluto blinks, whipping his head to stare at Charon who stands behind him, eyes wide. It’s clear he was unaware that Charon was behind him, or even near him. Neptune giggles, the camera shifts to look at Uranus who seems to just be making sure Neptune isn’t getting into immediate danger, similar to a parent.
Uranus holds a notebook, with the words “SUPERLATIVES OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM” glued onto it. It’s an unused book, but has mild paint stains on its cover.
NEPTUNE (QUESTIONINGLY): Should we go ask the other dwarf planets in the kuiper belt? Or go to the giants and skip em?
Uranus pauses, pursing their lips as the two ignore the faint talks of Pluto and Charon from in front of them. Uranus seems to think for a moment, eyes darkening before settling on an answer.
URANUS: It might be…. Dangerous to do that. I say we go to the giants and come back a bit later, okay?
NEPTUNE: OKAY!
—
URANUS: Oh my stars, Neptune slow down.
The camera shows a ringed planet, laughing as a smaller figure, a moon stares directly at the camera with his eyebrows scrunched together. The camera is walking towards the two figures with rapid speed, sounds of footsteps echoing quietly.
TITAN (QUIETLY): Uh… Saturn? Is that Neptune and Ur-
NEPTUNE (OFF-CAMERA): Saturn! HEY Saturn!
Saturn opens his mouth to reply, but before he could Neptune beats him to it. In the background, Titan tries to flee the scene before Saturn gently grabs his wrist, making him stay. The camera, in the down right side, shows that Uranus (who looks visibly tired) is holding a small book next to Neptune.
NEPTUNE (OFF-CAMERA): Who would you say is the prettiest or most beautiful celestial being?
SATURN (IMMEDIATELY): Jupiter. Why?
NEPTUNE: Other than your husband!
URANUS (QUIETLY): I don’t know why she thought there would be another first reply…
SATURN (CHEERFULLY): I suppose Venus! His skin and hair is just radiant! I need to know his routine, truly, and if he doesn’t have one why that just makes him naturally beautiful.
URANUS: Won’t that statement make Jupiter uhm… jealous?
Saturn laughs, staring at Uranus like they were dumb as TItan seems to accept his fate, floating next to Saturn who ruffles his hair without looking away from the Ice Giants.
SATURN: Oh Jupiter knows I only am devoted to him, silly!
Neptune, from where he holds the camera, hums for a moment before the camera flips to look at Titan, zooming in as Uranus writes down Saturn’s answer in the notebook they hold.
NEPTUNE: Hey Titan! Who do you think is the most attractive celestial being?
TITAN (IMMEDIATELY): I suppose Lu- I uh mean Earth’s moon? They're quite pretty, you know?
The camera turns to Saturn who is slowly turning to Titan, with a type of interest and curiosity blooming in his eyes, and the smallest hidden hint of protectiveness that’s barely noticeable. Titan looks back at Saturn and sighs.
SATURN: Oh? Well who is this moon you speak of, Titan?
URANUS (OFF-CAMERA, QUIETLY): Should we leave?
URANUS: You know what, Neptune come on let's go and let them deal with that, okay, mate?
NEPTUNE: Okay!
—
The camera shows Jupiter, who is staring at the camera from a distance, his moons behind him still not noticing the approaching Ice Giants. Uranus can be seen holding Neptunes wrist, who’s other hand is waving.
NEPTUNE: JUPITER! Hey Jupiter! Who’s the prettiest or most attractive celestial being?
JUPITER (IMMEDIATELY): Saturn. Why?
Uranus sighs, conflicting on whether to ask for another answer before shaking their head and writing the answer into the journal.
GANYMEDE (BACKGROUND): Are they asking fucking superlatives?
IO (BACKGROUND): What’s…. super-le-tivas?
EUROPA (BACKGROUND): It’s like when you-
NEPTUNE : HEY MOONS! Who do you think is the most beautiful or attractive celestial being is!
The four moons who were chatting amongst themselves, startled at being acknowledged by Neptune, before gaining composure quickly and pretending they weren’t shocked in the first place. The camera zooms into the 4 of them, showing pink, green, purple, and yellow moons. The biggest one stares at the camera, going near it to talk.
GANYMEDE (PROUDLY): Me duh-
EUROPA (WHISPER): Babe I swear to fucking Sol.
GANYMEDE: I mean Europa, the pink moon next to me!
The pink moon, Europa pauses, looking at the green one as a small smile runs up her face. Europa looks at the camera with a slight lovesick expression as she holds the green moon's hand. Meanwhile the two moons behind them, hesitantly go to the camera, the purple one walking in front of the yellow one with narrowed, cautious eyes.
EUROPA: Ganymede, the green moon next to me.
GANYMEDE: The biggest moon by the way!
The purple moon rolls her eyes.
IO: Europa! She’s super nice too.
CALLISTO (HESITANTLY): Europa.
Europa grins proudly at the camera, flipping her hair as the purple moons huffs, slowly letting go of the yellow moons wrist.
The camera switches to show Uranus closing the notebook, seemingly finishing writing their responses.
URANUS: Thank you so much for your answers uhm- Neptune where are you going-
URANUS: NEPTUNE-
The camera's vision blurs, moving away and towards the asteroid belt as footsteps loudly follow. A snicker being heard, eerily similar to Neptune's voice.
—
MARS: The most attractive? Well I’ll say Venus but I feel like he’ll claw my throat out so I’ll say Saturn.
EARTH:
Saturn
? Wait, actually I see it. Okay yeah, fair enough.
LUNA: Saturn is like that one person almost all of us has had a crush on at one point. Or Venus but his personality scares away the ladies, so.
The camera turns over to see Venus, who does in fact, look like he wants to claw Mars' (and Luna’s) throats off. Mercury sighs quietly, before turning to the camera with a grin.
MERCURY: I agree! Saturn is quite pretty if I would have to pick.
VENUS (RELUCTANTLY): Saturn.
Uranus is shown to be nodding along, writing down the answers in the book.
—
The camera shows Neptune handing Saturn a cupcake, grinning. Saturn blinks, taking the cupcake with a confused look on his face, before turning to look at the camera and Uranus, who is controlling the camera gravity as they take a picture.
NEPTUNE: Congrats Saturn! You're the prettiest in the solar system!
SATURN: Oh why thank you my planetoid friend!
SATURN: But we… we can’t eat ?
The scene cuts off to show a page in the journal, showing a picture of Saturn holding the cupcake and the words, “PRETTIEST CELESTIAL BEING” written below it.
—
URANUS: What the hell is this…
The camera is approaching a large group of moons, two of them being known as Titan and Earth’s Moon, staring at the camera with differing expressions of shock. Next to them, is a board with the words, “MOON CLUB” written over it in poorly written handwriting and in colorful markers..
LUNA (WHISPER): What the actual fuck in stars names-
TITAN (WHISPER): I know they did this earlier today with Saturn uh- oh stars coming near us.
LUNA (WHISPER): Okay be normal be norma-
NEPTUNE: Who’s the cutest couple?
TITAN (SOTTO VOICE): Well it sure isn’t Ganymede and E-
Earth's moon smiles tightens as they elbow the larger moon who sighs.
TITAN: I might be biased but I personally think it’s Saturn and Jupiter, even if it can get gross at times!
LUNA: Yeah you’re biased, it’s Earth and Mars.
TITAN: Wait, they're dating?
Before the Earth’s moon responds, the camera moves to get closer to see where the 4 moons of Jupiter were, alongside some of Uranus’s moons and Triton were. TItania is seen to have a deadpan look, staring at Uranus.
Europa is the first to respond, staring at her nails with a small, genuine, smile.
EUROPA: Me and Ganymede, of course.
Ganymede, who stands next to her, nods with a prideful smirk. Behind them, Titan raises an unamused eyebrow to which Ganymede narrows their eyes at him.
TITANIA: I haven’t seen much of them but I think Saturn and Jupiter are good together.
IO: I agree! I agree!
CALLISTO: Jupiter and Saturn, they're so sweet it’s disgusting.
—
The camera is blurred, showing the feet of two celestial beings, however one is noticeably significantly shorter than the second, wearing old boots with the other not wearing shoes at all, with only ripped socks on their blue feet.
MERCURY (SOTTO-VOICE): It’ll cost you, ya know.
NEPTUNE: It’ll be
fineee.
MERCURY: Okay, the microphone costs-
The camera blurs till the voices are muffled, before switching back to the normal scene.
—
URANUS (OFF-CAMERA): Mate where did you get a stars damn microphone.
The camera shows Neptune smiling as they hold a microphone, shoving it into Earth’s face. Neptune stares at Earth, ignoring Uranus’s question.
NEPTUNE: Most likely to get in fist fight was a star?
EARTH: Venus, duh. I can imagine it perfectly.
The camera turns and zooms in at Venus, who is behind Earth absolutely fuming. Earth pauses from where he plays cards with Luna, looking at Uranus’s wince as horror dawns on his face as his moon turns to look behind him, before whipping back and tapping Earth’s arm.
EARTH: Oh he’s behind me isn’t he.
URANUS: Yep… Oh my gods-
The camera goes up and down. Venus then throws an asteroid in Earth’s direction, to which he barely dodges it with a screech, Venus snarls, hesitating before suddenly tackling the other planet.
URANUS: Neptune lets go- Neptune come on we gotta uh go.
NEPTUNE: Okay!
URANUS (WHISPER): Are you positive Sun won’t get mad at us for this? I really do not want to cover for you, mate.
There's a small moment of silence, complete silence as Uranu sighs while the two continue to sprint away from the scene. There are faint, muffled, screams in the background which we can assume is Venus and Earth.
NEPTUNE (WHISPER): Uh. I dunno.
URANUS:
Neptune-
—
NEPTUNE: Most likely to get into a fist fight with a star?
The view shows Saturn sitting next to Jupiter, who’s holding a book with the words, “Lapvona” written on its cover. The two startle, before looking at Neptune and the camera, shoulders relaxing once more.
JUPITER: Stars mate you startled us, give us a warning next time.
SATURN: Wouldn’t it be Sol? Since they’re a star?
URANUS (OFF-CAMERA): Besides the obvious answer. Plus I think Sol wouldn’t get into a fist fight with another star nowadays, he’s mellowed down since the ancient years, no?
JUPITER: Debatable.
SATURN: I think Venus would be a good choice. He isn’t…. Very friendly.
Saturn winces as Uranus, from where we can see them gives him a deadpanned look. Jupiter sighs as he flips to another page in the book.
URANUS (OFF-CAMERA): The entire solar system knows his reputation Saturn, it’s fine to say that mate, ya know.
JUPITER: Venus is the most likely to do such a thing, though. Have you seen him?
URANUS (OFF-CAMERA): Okay now that’s a bit rude, do not let him hear that.
NEPTUNE: He tackled an “Earth” creature!
SATURN: Oh that's horrible! Is he okay!
Neptune stares at the camera for a moment, smile falling slowly. The scene cuts off to show a small clip of Earth and Venus throwing asteroids at each other with war helmets on, as Earth's moon hands Earth asteroids.
—
NEPTUNE (CHEERFULLY): Worst dressed?
The camera shows a hand holding out a microphone to Earth’s moon, Titan, and two small asteroid sized moons alone, excluding the Ice Giants of course. Uranus is seen waiting for them to reply, holding the journal and a pen.
TITAN (IMMEDIATELY): Oh Ganymede 100%.
LUNA (WHISPER): I swear to Sol Titan- Wait. Okay that’s fair. They’re like the Adam Sandler of space.
TITAN: Who?
LUNA: I’ll tell you later.
DEIMOS: Phobos.
The camera zooms into Phobos, who dramatically whips to stare at Deimos who does not look like he will be apologizing any time soon. Phobos glares at Deimos with all the hatred a child could have as Deimos looks at him with all the smugness a child could have. Meanwhile, behind Titan and Luna is Ganymede who stands behind Titan menacingly.
PHOBOS: WHAT.
TITAN: Phobos wait-
The camera cuts off to show a scene of the two moons fighting, Mars sprinting towards them with Mercury following, although much slower and less panicked than Mars.
—
NEPTUNE: Most daddy issues?
There's a beat of silence as the camera zooms into Neptune and the figures in front of him, who look slightly surprised by the question.
LUNA: I’m almost 99% sure the majority of the celestial beings in this solar system have some type of issues with their parents.
TITAN: No no! Some of us are orphans .
MIMAS: You can’t have daddy issues if you don’t have a dad.
LUNA: That is not making this conversation better.
URANUS (OFF-CAMERA)): Oh this is so messed up on so many levels…
—
NEPTUNE: Most daddy issues?
JUPITER: So most of the planets besides Saturn and Mars can be taken out of the lead because they never had parents in the first place,
but
Mars parent figure was good so he’s out and as everyone knows my parent slash father is the Sun.
URANUS: Yeah I think that fact alone makes you win this superlative. Yeah you can have the title.
SATURN: I don’t know why you would want the title anyways, love.
—
TRITON: The most powerful planet?
TRION: I don’t really know or care-
GANYMEDE: Jupiter.
PHOBOS + DEIMOS: Mars!
TITANIA: Uranus.
The 4 moons stare at each other, eyes narrowed as Ganymede smirks. Phobos grabs a handful of asteroids as Titania brings out her arrow, meanwhile Ganymede brings out…. His fists-?
URANUS (SOTTO VOICE): I’m starting to regret this. I am starting to really regret this.
URANUS: TITANIA DO NOT HIT-
NEPTUNE (OFF-CAMERA): Time to leave!
Sounds of muffled screeching, yelling and hits come muffled through the camera as the two Ice Giants sprint away.
—
MERCURY (HESITANTLY): Wouldn’t it be Jupiter? Since technically he is the ruler and leader of all us and the other favorite of Sun.
MARS: Mercury, you’re too humble for your own good, you’re also a favorite of Sun, Sun doesn’t even try to hide it.
Mercury rolls his eyes as Earth tilts his head.
EARTH: No but like what about physical strength? Or like other powers. Can’t Saturn see the future or something, that’s powerful, no?
MARS: It depends on what you see as powerfu-
NEPTUNE: ANSWER THE QUESTION.
MARS: Jupiter, then. He’s the biggest.
—
URANUS: Most likely to befriend the Universe?
DIONE (IMMEDIATELY): Rhea.
URANUS: That was quick- you sure?
DIONE: Rhea. Everyone knows its Rhea.
—
The camera is flipped to show Sun in front of all the planets with their hands on her hips, frowning as he stares at all of the 8 planets. The camera is slightly covered with bits of fabric, barely showing the faces of Earth and Venus, both with bruises and minor scars on their bodies. Only a few of the moons are present, including Ganymede, Titania, both of Mars moons, and TItan who looks between fleeing and zoning out.
SOL: It has come to my attention, two of my planets have been making superlatives for the solar system. Controversial superlatives that have been causing FIGHTS in MY solar system.
URANUS (WHISPERING): Why I wouldn’t say controversial…
Sun sends a not so subtle glance towards the direction of the camera, which shows Uranus sitting on their left, awkwardly rubbing their neck with a hidden wince.
SOL: To prevent this, I will be making a list of more friendly superlatives for them.
SOL: Let’s thank Jupiter for making it Sol approved!
Sun grins, throwing a list of superlatives to Uranus who barely catches it. Jupiter sighs, or at least it looks like he does as most of the other beings, both moons and planets, seem disinterested. Sun ruffles Jupiters hair, their white gold bracelets clinking against each other.
The camera shuffles as it turns to look at Uranus, scrunching their eyebrows together in obvious perplexion.
URANUS (SOTTO VOICE): Nicest smile? Most gullible? Funniest? Oh my stars.
Uranus turns to the camera, mouth agape as it zooms into the paper with whispers of booing sounds being heard from Neptune behind the camera.
The camera cuts off to show the two Ice Giants, Neptune and Uranus, as Uranus writes more superlatives while Neptune glues pictures onto the brown paint stained journal. In the background, it shows Triton playing with some of the younger moons with the help of Ariel and Oberon in the background.
URANUS: So we aren’t doing the superlatives Star Sol gave us, right?
NEPTUNE: Nope!
URANUS: Thank stars. Can you pass me that red pen, mate?
—
NEPTUNE: MOST LIKELY TO START A CULT?
PLUTO (WEARILY): Do not tell them I said this, but It’s Sol. It’s Sol .
CHARON: Why are you saying this like she has one already.
Pluto seems to pause, face going pale before mouthing out the words, “he does.”
URANUS: I- What?
—
URANUS (OFF-CAMERA): The planet most likely to survive the hunger games?
MERCURY: Venus. Out of pure star damn spite.
VENUS: Damn right I’ll survive.
Mercury dramatically shivers as Venus smirks. The camera turns to the right of them, where Mars and Earth sit next to each painting each other's nails, a considerate look on Earth’s face.
EARTH: Nah most definitely Jupiter, he seems like the type of guy to have random knowledge on everything you would need to survive the hunger games.
MARS: No but he seems the type to like, be self sacrificial, no? Like the type of guy to die protecting Saturn?
Venus sends Mars a deadpanned look, raising an eyebrow as Mars sighs.
MARS: But other than that flaw I feel like he would somehow know dozens of random ways to survive in any situation, so yeah I choose Jupiter.
—
NEPTUNE: Most likely to get ejected from the solar system?
LUNA: Oh wow are you really going to ask others this-
TITAN: Most likely to get banished from the solar system? Oh Ganymede and Euro-
LUNA: Titan.
TITAN: What? Ganymede would probably insult the Sun accidentally and be exiled immediately. Ganymede is kinda… blunt.
LUNA: I mean sure but-
URANUS (OFF-CAMERA): Please make sure your answer is unbiased.
LUNA: I don’t think I can really answer a specific celestial being. Maybe Venus though, but I really doubt Venus could do anything so bad it would get him ejected. He’s smart enough to know what to say to who and the limits. Or at least I hope so.
—
NEPTUNE (CHEERFULLY): Most likely to leave the solar system on their own?
TITANIA: I’ve always imagined Callisto to be the one to do something like that. But I think she would care too much for the Galilean moons to actually leave.
The camera moves to show Triton who is surrounded by Neptune's moons, his eyes twitching.
TRITON: Me. It's me.
—
URANUS: Who would you not want to date your moons? Planet or moons including.
The camera shows Saturn and Jupiter, who send each other a glance before staring back at Uranus.
JUPITER: Uranus. Me and Saturn are married, for the moons who are in fact our children wouldn't they be stepsiblings?
SATURN: We don’t have DNA though? And not all of our moons are our children? Rhea and Diane are the only actual moons with bits of my soul? I think Io is the only biological child of yours and mine, and all your other moons don’t actually count as your actual children as-
JUPITER: Would you want Io and Dione dating.
Saturn thinks for a moment, before shrugging to the shock of Jupiter who gapes. Uranus shuffles from where they stand, clicking the pen off and on, staring at the couple.
SATURN: Diane is a lesbian either way, and Io and Diane are
not
compatible.
JUPITER: I thought her name was Dione-
URANUS (AWKWARDLY): Can you answer the question?
SATURN: Jupiter's moons,
JUPITER: Saturn’s moons and Sol.
URANUS: Sol?
JUPITER: Uranus, Sol is my
father
.
The scene cuts off to show multiple examples of Sol ruffling Jupiters hair, giving him gifts and jewels, and taking care of Jupiter's hair with the words, “SOL DOES FAVORITISM!!!!” written underneath each photo before cutting back to the Giants.
URANUS (SOTTO-VOICE): Oh yeah…
JUPITER: I don’t know how you forgot about that.
—
Mercury shifts from where they sit, frowning as Mars snores quietly, asleep on Earth's shoulder. Venus is somewhat next to the group, brushing and doing his hair and side-eying the camera. Neptune is bouncing from the heels of his feet, holding the microphone out. Earth hums for a moment, before looking at Neptune.
EARTH: The moment Luna dates Sol I’m quitting and running away into the outside.
MERCURY: Sol is aroace though, no?
EARTH: Aroace people can still
like
people, Mercury.
MERCURY: Fair. I would too if my nonexistent moon decided to date Sol out of the like hundred other beings in space.
MERCURY: I would quite literally go insane.
The camera shifts to turn to look at Venus, who is glaring at the camera as he untangles his spiky thick hair, pretending not to wince as he roughly brushes his hair. Earth sighs.
VENUS: I don’t have a moon.
EARTH: Fine, if you
were
too have a moon-
VENUS: Don’t have a moon.
EARTH: Well Jesus okay.
MERCURY (HESITANTLY): Who’s Jesus?
URANUS: Thank you for your participation in this project!
MERCURY: Can we watch the video when it’s don-
—
Neptune: Who’s most likely to say something super duper… contro-ve-sel?
JUPITER: Do you mean controversial?
NEPTUNE: No.
There's a short silence for a moment, showing Jupiter pausing before sighing.
JUPITER: Earth. I don’t have a problem with the guy but he’s too blunt with his words, he needs to be careful with what he says to whom he says it too. Not a bad guy, like I said, just needs to learn not everything is about him.
—
The camera shows 5 dwarf planets in front of Neptune who is holding a microphone with a smile, oblivious to the pinks' obvious perplexion while Makemake holds a hand in front of the smallest one who's snarling. They seem to be playing a type of game, but because the Ice Giants do not know what they’re playing, it won’t be described.
NEPTUNE: Most likely to survive a horror movie and most likely to die first?
ERIS: What the actual fuck-
CHARON: In general or in a specific group?
URANUS (OFF-SCREEN): In general, if you had to pick from the entire solar system.
ERIS: We don’t really
know
most of the other celestial beings, though.
CHARON: Venus for surviving, Saturn is dying first I am
so
sorry but he just is.
PLUTO: Saturn is too sweet for horror plots, I feel like he’ll get scared. But wouldn’t Sol win? Since their…
Sun
. They can just shoot a really really powerful solarflare at someone and they’ll die instantly.
MAKEMAKE: I’m not sure on who would be the first to die, but realistically Sol would survive if it was another being in our solar system. If it’s another star why, they’re in
their
solar system, making Sol have an advantage. So Sol.
CERES: HAH.
HAUMEA: I don’t really want to answer- is that okay?
URANUS (OFF-SCREEN): Yeah it’s fine mate, no worries.
ERIS: I’m not answering.
—
The camera shows Sol, flipping the pages of the notebook that contains the superlatives excitedly.
SOL: Awesome work! Do it again the next Earthling year!
The camera moves away quickly after that, grabbing the notebook and fleeing.
URANUS: We survived. And hopefully I won’t have to do this again-
NEPTUNE: We’re doing this again.
URANUS: What-