Archive of Our Own ^beta

"I can't see anything," said Mona. "Like, zero, and I've got wolfie eyesight. Why isn't this working?" She shook her flash light until it flew out of her hand. She heard a distant clatter and then a thud, so clearly wherever she was right now, it had things in it you could break. "Oops."

I HAVE A TORCH.

Dancing shadows leapt up around them as her as-yet-unknown companion in darkness suddenly produced a flaming brand out of nowhere.

"Oh. Right. Wow. You weren't just being British about the torch thing." She shot a curious glance at her companion. There was something weird about him, what with those flowing black robes... and the hood... and the way it was like she kept almost seeing him out of the corner of her eye, and then she couldn't quite, or she forgot. She blinked, and then stared harder. It didn't seem to help. Must be the torchlight.

"Do you know where we are?"

WHERE YOU SHOULD NOT BE.

"Sounds about right," said Mona, who had arrived wherever it was that she shouldn't be on board the Waverider, and that pretty much summed up the Legends' usual modus operandi. She gave up trying to make out her new friend's exact features—maybe he had scarring or some disfigurement he didn't like showing. "Love the, um, billowy look."

THANK YOU.

"Wait! Over there—no, there!" Mona pointed and, as he obligingly moved the torch that way, she moved forwards. There was something glinting, reflecting the flames. "It's the Waverider!"

WHERE, EXACTLY, WERE YOU WERE TRYING TO GO?

"Okay. Now, don't freak out, because this is going to sound a bit weird, but, um, hell?"

AH. YOU MUST HAVE TAKEN A WRONG TURNING. THIS IS NOT HELL.

"Yeah, I know. One of my friends has totally been there and he says -" Mona stopped. "I'm really sorry if I'm freaking you out."

DO NOT WORRY. I DO NOT FIND YOU ALARMING.

"Where is here, anyway, exactly?"

THIS IS MY DOMAIN. WHERE I... DWELL. Her new friend paused. EXCEPT WHEN I AM ON HOLIDAY.

"Right, but where is that? And I still don't know who you are."

As he moved it, the flickering flamelight of the torch revealed a row of hourglass timers some distance away through a wall that should probably not have had a hole in it. Mona gaped. There seemed to be thousands of them. "Whoa. Cool."

AGAIN—THANK YOU.

"You've got an amazing voice," said Mona. "Seriously. You should get into podcasts. You'd be awesome."

I TRIED THAT ONCE. UNFORTUNATELY THE SOUND RECORDING IMP HAD A BREAKDOWN.

"Is there anybody else here, or is it just you?"

JUST ME. Another pause that made her think, weirdly, of tombstones. AND ALBERT.

Mona turned her head, and this time, for one moment, she saw a skeletal form under the robe. Ice blue lights glowed in the black sockets of a skull face. All the hairs everywhere on her body stood up, one after the other. Her mouth dried. But she didn't like to be unkind to anyone, just because of how they looked. She swallowed, and tried to continue. "Uhhh, that's nice. I think."

HELL, he said, IS NEXT DOOR. TURN RIGHT NEXT TIME, INSTEAD OF LEFT.

"Oh?"

SO I AM TOLD. IT IS NOT MY BUSINESS.

Mona looked up at the right, or wrong, angle to catch him fully illuminated in the torchlight. He was definitely all bones and cloak. There might even have been a scythe; its tip glinting in the flickering light.

"Well," said Mona, her voice rising and wobbling a little. "Thank you for your help. You've been great, but I've got to go. If you could hold that torch up a bit, so I can see the way back to the Waverider—that's it—thanks!"

YES. IT SHOULD NOT BE THERE. THAT IS THE GARDEN. Another deathly pause. WAS THE GARDEN.

"Oh. Oops? Sorry!"

Mona ran for it.

Death stood, gripping a flaming torch, standing amidst a pile of black and white rubble. AH WELL. THE COMPANY WAS NICE WHILE IT LASTED.

The Waverider, in contrast, had not been good—not for the water feature he had tried to install, nor several walls, and it had somehow taken out the lighting across the whole realm, which was another thing that should have been impossible. Death gave a resigned sigh. He was used to clearing up other people's messes.

"Hey!"

He turned. The small human was back again, this time brandishing a book. It had a man and an alien female drawn on the front cover, both of them enthusiastically engaged in anatomically improbable exertions.

"I wanted to give you this," said his visitor, out of breath. She pressed the book into his hands. "I don't know what you're into, but trust me, you're going to love Rebecca Silver. She's the best."

OH?

"This place seems a bit lonely. This'll cheer you up. Keep you company, you know."

I DO NOT THINK ANYONE HAS EVER DONE THAT BEFORE.

"If you like it, there's a lot more where that came from," she said. She gave him a smile bright enough he hardly needed the torch to see it by; somehow genuine despite the increased heart rate that declared her as fearful of him as most other mortals.

ODD, said Death as, some moments later, he watched the Waverider take off. The energy backblast demolished the remaining wall of the garden and Albert's decking. Bricks tumbled down, breaking the ensuing silence. SINGULAR, MAYBE EVEN.

He surveyed his domain. It looked as if an army of careless drivers had dropped by, and then popped back later with a wrecking ball just to finish things off.

AH WELL.

Death shrugged, and read the book.