Archive of Our Own ^beta

Someone’s hand is on his shoulder.

That’s the only thing he’s aware of for a good few seconds, no sight and no sound other than a vague, high pitched ringing in his right ear. And then the pain hits. An angry, intense burst of a headache that seems to worsen with every pulse, and one that forces Rui to crack open his eyes to try and understand what exactly is attacking him right now. Is he sick? Is he dying? Does he need to tell his mom he can’t make it to school today? No, that doesn’t sound right.

“-waking up now!” someone calls above him, and Rui feels his eyebrows twitch, displeased at the sharp volume that only makes the throbbing worse. The light hurts as he lifts his eyelids; it’s like he’s looking directly into the sun. “-hear me? Rui?”

Actually, he’s not sure this is worth finding out the cause of the pain. Rui closes his eyes again. It feels like he’s already lying down, so maybe he can just go back to sleep and spend the day in bed until his head feels better. Though, it doesn’t feel like he’s actually in bed. The ground below his elbows and head is uncomfortable and hard. Where is he…? Maybe he rolled over in his sleep and fell down. That would explain the ache. So that means the hand belongs to…his mother? But it doesn’t sound like her voice.

“Hey, Rui!” Yeah, it’s far too loud. Too deep. Rui frowns again, unwilling to meet the light again. “Don’t fall asleep!”

Who thinks they have the right to tell him that? He’s tired, he’s going to…

“-help me lift him? Try not to jostle him too much, we need to keep his head stable in case he hurt his spine-”

“No,” Rui murmurs as he feels more hands grab him, changing the direction of gravity in a way that only makes everything hurt more. It’s strange. His voice feels far away, like he’s speaking through a pipe or from the next room over. Maybe he’s dreaming.

Someone presses something cold against his skull, and he leans into it, savouring the numbing coolness. That’s good. That’s nice. He can go back to sleep now- or he could, if someone wasn’t forcing him to walk against his will. Rui opens one eye and sees a tiled floor beneath him. It’s not familiar.

The floor in his own room isn’t usually so clean, he thinks as someone guides him into what’s probably a car. There are always a lot of things he keeps in plain sight for easy access. There’s no point putting them away because he’ll just need them again moments later. Organised chaos, that’s what they call it. The cold press continues to be held against his head, and the hand is on his arm now instead. But that’s a silly expression, because chaos can’t be organised. If it’s messy then that’s just how it is.

“Are you still awake? You need to stay awake, Rui.” There’s that voice again. Rui tries to think.

“What makes…disorganised?” he tries to ask, but it feels too hard to translate his thoughts into speech. “It’s better that way.”

“Uh, right. What’s better?” It’s not his fault if they can’t understand. It’s not that hard to figure out, even if he can’t communicate it properly. The ice - it must be ice -  is pushed down harder.

“I’m fine like this,” Rui says. “It’s better.”

“Okay. But we’re going to the hospital now, so you’ll be okay soon. I'm here, don’t worry.”

“No,” Rui says, but loses the rest of that thought. It’s frustrating, somehow. He feels like a child, but even as a child he wasn’t this ineloquent. There’s no real choice but to stop trying, slumping his head and letting the person beside him fill in the silence with topics he forgets after seconds. Whenever he’s prompted he replies with a hum or a hazy ‘okay’, but otherwise lets himself drift back into vacancy. He still wants to sleep, but the voice is too distracting, too persistent.

Time feels garbled after that. He’s vaguely aware of hearing the car door open, of being forced to walk somewhere cold and then somewhere white, and when he opens his eyes fully again, he’s sitting on a chair in a hospital room. The pain is still beating relentlessly, though it feels less violent now. The exhaustion also remains, but he doesn’t feel like he’s wandering through a dreamscape quite as much as before. 

“Is it kicking in?” a soft voice asks him, and Rui looks beside him to see Nene watching with a concerned face. He doesn’t know why she’s here, but it’s a relief to have something he actually recognises and actually understands. Was there an accident at school? That doesn’t feel right either. “Rui?”

“Did something…happen?” It’s still a little too far to sound normal, but at least his voice is at least in the same room as him now. “The show wasn’t a success.”

“The…show?” Nene’s frown deepens, and he gets the feeling this was the wrong thing to say.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t bring it up,” he says, and rubs his head. His hair feels a little long. “I’m sure it still…hurts.”

“I can tell the staff if you need more painkillers,” Nene offers. “You don’t remember what happened?”

“I remember.” Guilt. Shame. Sorrow. It had gone badly. He had walked home alone. “Sorry about…I’m sorry.”

“Sorry about what?” She keeps looking at him. “Do you remember passing out?”

Passing out…? Rui tries to remember, but is met with only a flash of pain instead. It almost makes him want to vomit.

“You hit your head,” she says, which doesn’t sound right at all. “It’s okay if you can’t remember. The doctor said you might be kind of…confused.”

“Confused?” Rui knows his name. Knows the year he was born. Knows… “What day is it?”

“Tuesday.”

That sounds right. “It’s September, right? Because school just started again.”

Nene’s expression seems to still, and it takes her a moment before she speaks again. “Uh, Rui. What…year do you think it is?”

“Just after summer of the second year,” he says. “Well, the first year for you.”

“Of high school?”

“Yes?”

“Ah.” Nene presses her lips together in a way that lets Rui know he's answered wrong. But how could he have answered wrong? Actually, now that he thinks about it, didn’t her hair used to be a lot longer? “Um, it’s actually…a little bit past that. Like…ten years, past that.”

“Ten years…?” That should sound insane, but something about it seems to make sense in a vague, incomprehensible way. If he focuses past the pain he’s sure he can recall something past high school, some amount of time passing, but there’s nothing tangible to grab onto. It’s just an empty fog, a place he travelled through to get wherever he is now. 

“What’s the last thing you remember?” Nene asks.

“I forgot to charge the battery,” Rui says. “I caused you a lot of trouble because of that.”

“Oh man,” Nene says, and her face tightens. “You’re really far back.”

“I’m sure I can figure it out,” Rui says, though the more he tries to make it past the fog, the worse the pounding gets. Was he hit by a high speed vehicle? It certainly feels like that. “So I must be…twenty-seven now.”

“Yup.”

“And I assume after our last performance I gave up on doing shows,” he continues. That would make sense, logically. At that time, he had already seen visions of what his life was going to be after their troupe fell apart. A life of solitude, easy and empty. Years of solo tinkering in his room in silence. Finding more ways to enjoy being alone. Not yearning, never yearning. Maybe one day creating something great.

“No,” Nene says. “You didn’t give up.”

“No? That doesn’t sound right.” He’d been very sure that day, calm and rational minded as he decided his future. Rui finds his eyes drifting down towards his lap, meeting the point where his hands sit in his lap. There’s a ring on his left hand. Rui considers this for a moment. “Is same-sex marriage legal now?”

“Um, yes?” 

That’s a relief. For a second he was worried he might've been transported into a completely unrecognisable person. At least there’s still some evidence that he’s still the same person he remembers. Even if he…doesn’t really feel like it. In what reality would he possibly have let himself get married? In what reality did a person like that even exist?

“Don’t worry about it too much,” Nene says then, making Rui look back up. “You’ll remember stuff as your concussion fades. I mean, probably. That’s how it usually works, right?”

“...Potentially.” Though Rui isn’t sure exactly what it is he needs to remember. None of this seems plausible. It’s a made-up, pure fiction storybook. Trying to find those memories would be like trying to recall the last time he saw a unicorn. “But, who am I-”

“Rui!” Ah, there’s that loud voice again. And this time it’s actually accompanied with a face. A very much unwelcome face, Rui thinks as he watches him enter the room. Tenma Tsukasa. His very unfavourable ex-coworker. Here right now for some reason, holding two styrofoam cups in front of him. Yes, he also seems older, though Rui doesn’t think it’s anything worth paying attention to. “Are you awake properly now?”

“He’s still kinda confused,” Nene says, and Rui is surprised to see her willingly talking to him. Well, of course, she must have grown more mature with age. And it wouldn’t be very polite to start an argument in a hospital. “Like, uh the last thing he remembers is high school kinda confused.”

“High school?” Tsukasa blinks, then sets the cups on a nearby table before leaning down closer to Rui. “Really? Are you sure? Do you need any more painkillers? Or another ice pack? The doctor said it was only to be used intermittently but it’s probably been long enough now we can ask for another one!”

“No, that’s not necessary.” Who even let him in? Surely hospitals are reserved only for close friends and family, and Tenma Tsukasa is certainly not either of those things. 

“Okay, well, I got you some tea if you want it, but it’s kinda hot still so let it cool down before you try to drink it,” Tsukasa carries on, and Rui hopes his irked expression simply passes as pain from his injury. “Even if you think you feel fine, just take it easy, okay! Head injuries are nothing to play around with. Though, you seem to have escaped it without major consequences.”

Rui looks towards Nene, hoping she’ll catch the hint and tell him to leave, but she just shrugs and takes one of the cups from the table. “Hard to believe after all the stunts you guys have done, it was a door frame that finally took you out.”

“Such careless design!” Tsukasa huffs. “In a place like that, they should really have some kind of tape so people know to duck!”

“To be fair, most people are shorter than Rui.”

“So that means they should just get knocked out every time they want to enter a room?!”

Rui isn’t really interested in whatever incident landed him in this position, honestly. Frequent injury is just a part of his lifestyle. No, what’s much more interesting is the glint of light from Tsukasa’s left hand that catches his attention rather aptly as he waves his hands about. It must be a coincidence, two completely unrelated objects that only seem notable because of the temporary damage to his brain. That’s the only way he can justify asking his next question.

“Forgive me if this seems insane,” he starts, catching the other two’s attention. “But are we engaged?”

“What?” Tsukasa’s face twists to something not too dissimilar to Nene’s look from before. “No.”

Of course-

“We’re married.”

…Huh?

 “Wait, Rui, you really don’t remember?!”

“I told you, he’s still out of it,” Nene says, sipping her tea. “He must have seriously taken a hit.”

“Yeah, but- you’ve got to remember a thing like that!” Tsukasa exclaims. Rui definitely does not remember a thing like that. “Are you seriously okay, Rui? How many fingers am I holding up? Rui!”

“There’s nothing wrong with my vision,” Rui says, pressing a hand against his temple. “Just…apparently something wrong with my past judgement and reasoning.”

“I think the last thing he remembers is our first show together,” Nene says in response to Tsukasa’s stunned face. He looks a little like he’s just been slapped. Interesting. “The very first one, I mean. You know, when I was too afraid to go on stage and you yelled at me and Rui decided to never perform with us again-”

“I know the one you mean!” Tsukasa cuts in, bending down to look into Rui’s eyes in a way that is much too close. “Do you really not remember anything, Rui? You don’t remember the workshop or the manuscript or anything? You’re not just kidding, right? Please don’t tell me this is just a joke…I was really scared, you know!”

“No, I’m not joking,” Rui says. “Though I’m kind of hoping you two might be.”

It’s not very likely. The pain in his head is undeniably real, as is the hazy feeling of not being able to recall the last ten years. The ring on his finger seems to be made of high quality, expensive material. Even a high budget production wouldn’t have props this well constructed.

“Well…I guess I’ll get the doctors and see if his condition is stable enough to go home,” Tsukasa says after a moment, standing back up. “Thanks for helping me look after him despite your busy schedule, Nene.”

“No.” She shakes her head. “I didn’t do anything. And besides, I think you’ve still got a lot of work to do.”

They both glance at him, and Rui isn’t sure he likes being stared at like some kind of creature in an exhibition, trapped behind glass whilst the world watches outside. They’re the ones in the wrong, anyway. Whatever Rui has made of his life up until this point- it’s surely just a collection of falsehoods. Some kind of trick, a fabrication that got out of hand. He just has to figure out how to get back to his true self- not the version that created this strange work of fiction, but the version that knows his place in the world and knows how reality actually works. Because there’s no way any of this can be true. It’s simply not possible.

-

The dubious feelings are still present even by the time they make it ‘home’, a modest apartment that Rui has never seen before. He stands next to Tsukasa as he unlocks the door, trying to decipher if this part of the city is familiar to him. Is this a place he comes often? Is it somewhere he feels comfortable and safe? That seems unlikely, if it’s a space he’s sharing with Tenma Tsukasa. That bit is still really not adding up.

“Pardon the intrusion,” Rui says automatically once he steps inside, tense as if stepping into a stranger’s home. Tsukasa gives him a strange look.

“You live here, you don’t have to say that,” he says. “But, yeah! Welcome home!”

Home. Rui eyes the contents of the room suspiciously, trying to see any signs of discontent from his unknown self. Well, of course, it’s not like there would be claw marks on the door or bullet holes in the wall, but- there’s probably some kind of sign somewhere about how secretly unhappy he actually is. Though, the kitchen area seems clean, and there’s a nice couch with a sizable TV on the other side. A laptop, some papers, and a selection of tools on the table. It definitely feels like the type of place he would want to live, if a little too tidy, but-

“Are you still feeling bad?” Tsukasa asks, walking into the main room of the apartment easily. “You can’t have any more of the painkillers until five o’clock, and it’s better if you don’t go to sleep, but if your head is still hurting a lot we can probably use the corn in the freezer-”

“No, thank you,” Rui says.

“You don’t have to eat it, don’t worry,” Tsukasa says, giving him a fond look that makes Rui feel vaguely sick.

“I don’t mean that,” he says, still lingering by the doorway. “I meant that I’m fine without your help.”

“Oh.” The smile slips away for a moment, before Tsukasa seems to force it back up. “That’s alright! I know this must be weird to you if you don’t remember anything. I guess coming back here didn’t…trigger anything?”

“No, it doesn’t seem so. I don’t think I’ve been here before.”

“Then- I should probably show you around!” Tsukasa holds out his arms, as if presenting a grand work of art. “This is the kitchen! We come here to eat and make food! I mean, I mostly do the cooking, but both of us like eating food!”

“Yes, I know what a kitchen is,” Rui tells him. “And you don’t have to show me around. It’s quite alright.”

“And our couch is here, and there’s the TV.” He’s still going, completely undeterred. “Your stuff is on the table, but don’t worry about that, you’re not supposed to do anything strenuous in terms of thinking, and I’m going to send an email to see if we can extend the deadline.”

“Deadline?”

“And this is the bedroom back here,” Tsukasa says, pointing through the doorway. Okay, he’s just going to ignore him then. “The bathroom is on that side, and then there’s our work room over there. It’s mostly your stuff in there, but I don’t know exactly how complete your current project is, so don’t go electrocuting yourself if you want to tinker with anything!”

“Just one bedroom?” Rui asks.

“Uh, yeah?”

An unfortunate revelation, but one that makes sense nevertheless. Rui stares at his ring finger again, twisting the band around and feeling the metal rub against his skin. Such a quaint sight. 

“How long have we been married?” 

“Just over a year!” Tsukasa says proudly, clutching one hand to his chest. It makes sense. Most couples make it to around this point before deciding to divorce. Their time will soon come. “What if I showed you some pictures? Or the performance video? That would definitely help jog your memory!”

“No, thank you,” Rui says again, trying to keep his tone polite, even if it’s a little short. “I’m sorry, I know that you’re probably used to something different, but I don’t really have any interest in playing along with this.”

“Uhhh…what do you…mean?”

“I don’t remember marrying you,” he says, turning back to the main room. “I don’t even remember dating you. As far as I’m concerned, I only knew you for a couple of weeks, and then we parted ways. And that was a parting that was welcomed by me, if I’m frank.”

“...Oh. Right. Yeah. Because of…back then.” Tsukasa makes a face, but it only lasts a moment. “But you know, things changed a lot after that! You started making shows with us again, and the four of us stayed in touch even after high school, and we’re still together even now! We’re all pursuing our own dreams but we’re the same troupe we’ve always been!”

“That doesn’t sound like something I would do while of sound mind,” Rui says thoughtfully. Maybe they had bribed him in some way. Or had he done it solely for Nene’s sake? Or perhaps even, he had suffered a similar head injury around that time that had clouded his judgement for all those years, and only now is he waking up to his usually clear and rational mindset-

“If that’s really the last thing you remember, I can see how it might seem strange,” Tsukasa says thoughtfully. “I think I would probably be freaked out too if my seventeen year old self woke up married to you…no, freaked out is an understatement…”

“I’m not sure I can say that we’re married,” Rui says, still fixated on fiddling with the ring. “An unrequited marriage is hardly a marriage.”

“It wasn’t unrequited at the time,” Tsukasa says, frowning. “And even if you can’t remember it right now, we’re still married! We’ll always be married! That’s how it works, okay? We said the vows and everything! There were fireworks! And lots and lots of explosions!”

“Explosions…” Are they joined together in some kind of sham marriage? Rui twists the ring again, contemplating removing it entirely from his finger. The only thing that stops him is the sudden flash of distressed panic that crosses Tsukasa’s face when it reaches his knuckle. Odd. How can he make such a serious expression when everything else suggests this is just a strange joke?

“It- it’s okay if you don’t feel comfortable with it right now,” Tsukasa says a moment later. “I can do anything you ask of me to make things easier, so just let me know! No request is too much for me! I’ll be your expert caretaker until you feel better!”

“Okay.” Maybe he really hasn’t changed at all. “Then please just stay away from me.”

“St…stay away from you…?”

“Is that too much?” Rui asks. “But that’s the only thing I’m asking of you.”

“Uhh…” Surprisingly, it doesn’t take more than a few seconds for him to flip back to determination. “It’s not too much! It’s just- no, it’s fine! I’ll give you as much space as you need until your head recovers! Just- let me know if you need anything, or if you’re in any pain, or if there’s anything you don’t understand or anything you’re worried about…”

“That’s okay,” Rui says calmly. “I’m twenty-seven, am I not? I’m sure I can handle myself just fine.”

“Of course!” He says that like he understands, but then doesn’t move from where he’s standing. Rui figures he can just try to ignore his existence or something along that vein, and takes a seat on the couch to retrieve what is apparently his work-in-progress manuscript. Yes, this is definitely his handwriting, and the words used seem like something he would write, but…

“You’re not supposed to be working on that right now,” Tsukasa’s voice says from the doorway, and Rui doesn’t look up.

“Sorry, I thought we just agreed that I can handle myself.”

“Yeah, but-!” He huffs. “You still have a head injury, and you’re clearly not in the right mindset to be making your own decisions.”

“Is that the kind of husband you are?” Rui asks cooly, flipping through the pages. It seems more or less finished, though there are still a few asterisks indicating spots where he needs to edit. It seems the ending still needs some work. The deadline must be soon, if this is the current level of completion. The script is suddenly yanked from his hands, and Rui glances up.

“Don’t give me that look!” Tsukasa says, tucking the paper under his arm. “You need to rest! No writing! No editing! No thinking!”

“I’m simply reading it,” Rui states. “There’s nothing wrong with that. Isn’t it cruel of you to deprive me of even that?”

“You have a concussion!”

“But yet you’re still yelling at every given opportunity?”

“If you want to read it so bad, I can read it to you,” Tsukasa says, falling beside him on the couch. Rui shifts slightly towards the armrest. “It’ll be a good chance for me to get more familiar with the lines anyway.”

“I’d much rather you didn’t,” Rui says cordially, then stops. “Is this a script you’ll be performing?”

“Eventually, yeah! You wrote the protagonist for me to play!”

“Hmm.” Rui really cannot fathom how this ever happened. Giving Tsukasa a leading role despite his outburst towards Nene. Towards all of them. A person with that attitude hardly deserves to be in the audience, let alone up on the stage. “Perhaps I should kill them off.”

“What?” Tsukasa splutters, and Rui is pleased for a moment to see the horror pass through his face, even if it’s quickly forced away. “W-well, I mean, if that’s the kind of direction you want to take, but…that would be kind of…depressing, honestly.”

“I’m sure you could handle it.” And he would definitely deserve it, after the way he treated them all. Could this be his chance to finally achieve vindication? Maybe there’s a positive side to all of this after all. 

“I could definitely handle it! But regardless of what you want to do, you’re not making any changes tonight.” Tsukasa keeps the script out of his reach. “You’ll feel better in the morning, so let’s worry about it then, okay? You just need to- get back to normal.”

Normal. Rui catches sight of a framed photo up on the wall, apparently a scene from their wedding. Or a show. It’s hard to tell. There may not be a difference. Either way, Rui is sure of the situation he’s in. The only normal one here is him.

-

As it turns out, the next morning doesn’t bring any additional memories back to Rui’s brain. Nor does the morning after that, or after that still. It’s not so much a worry for him as the headache had dissipated after the first twenty-four hours, and at the very least he has a little bit of something to fill in the misty areas in his head. He knows he graduated school, and knows at some point he went to a- job interview, or something of the like. Though it’s likely he only ‘remembers’ those things because he knows they must have happened. There’s no specifics, yet. Just an assurance that he has been alive for the past ten years and didn’t simply take a shortcut via a time machine.

Either way, Rui is pretty sure he’s fine now. It’s starting to get less weird to look into the mirror, and he can more or less find the words he needs when trying to voice his thoughts. Even if yesterday he found himself holding chopsticks ready to eat his soup, or if last night he had accidentally used hand soap for his toothbrush. Not a big deal. It hadn’t taken long to figure that out once it was in his mouth.

Yes, things are more or less normal now. There’s only one issue still plaguing him.

“I can see you watching me,” Rui says, turning the page of his book. “Are you going to tell me I’m barred from reading again?”

“No.” Tsukasa steps out from the doorway he’s been skulking by for the past ten minutes. “It’s just. It took you a really long time to read that one page.”

“I was savouring the story.” He’s not going to admit he had to restart the page at least six times before his brain had retained enough words to keep going. “Did you need something?”

“No. Yes. Are you okay? Are you in any pain?”

“I’m not in any pain,” Rui replies. “If there’s nothing important, would you mind leaving me alone? I’m trying to read.”

Tsukasa is quiet, but Rui can still feel his stare on him, which is almost just as loud as his voice, somehow. “It’s weird seeing you so- different.”

“What, because I’m not showering you in praise with every word or whatever it is my other self does? Sorry, but I’m just not interested in that.”

“No. I mean…you seem-…sad.”

“If that’s what you think then you have a poor perception of other people's feelings,” Rui says. “But I guess you don’t really consider other people’s feelings except your own, do you?”

Tsukasa is silent for a moment, and Rui thinks for a moment he’s finally succeeded in defeat, but then Tsukasa raises one hand to his head, and slaps his other down against his chest.

“This is the pose I do when my husband hits his head and doesn’t remember me!” he exclaims, then moves one hand down slightly. “Alternatively, this is the pose I do when the line at the post office is moving too slowly!”

“...Are those two things related?” Rui can’t help but ask.

“Not really, but they’re very similar poses!”

“Okay.” For a second the absurdity almost makes him laugh, but he wills away the smile before it’s too visible. “That’s…interesting.”

Tsukasa drops his stance. Why does he seem disappointed? There’s absolutely no way Rui would have ever entertained something like that, future or past. It’s not like there would be that many poses. He would run out eventually. Though, those did seem- specific. Are there more? No, Rui isn't going to waste his time following that thought process.

“You know, when things went wrong before, we put on a show for you to understand our true feelings,” Tsukasa says. “We can’t really do that again because the others are busy, but-”

“That’s good, because I’m not really interested in that-”

“Maybe you can try talking to them!” Tsukasa keeps going, his voice a little louder. “Nene is going to be here until the end of the week, and I’m sure Emu can clear time whenever you need.”

Rui opens his mouth to dismiss the idea, but then thinks again. He’s not particularly close with Emu, or at least, as far as he knows he’s not, but it would be nice to speak properly with Nene. It had been her in the middle of the confrontation, and she had always been someone who understood his feelings well. If anything, maybe she could shed some light on the situation. Clarify things. And most importantly, get him away from Tsukasa for a bit.

“Okay,” Rui says, choosing not to look at Tsukasa’s satisfied smile. “I’ll speak to Nene.”

She replies quickly to the direct message he sends her; he hasn’t quite found it in him to open the ‘WxS group chat’ yet. There’s a warm familiarity in her words. Even if it’s been ten years, Nene is still Nene. Rui makes note to see if he can contact Mizuki also. They’re still a recent contact on his phone, so they must still be relatively close friends. 

Nene agrees to meet him in the early afternoon, a day that she apparently has off from rehearsing. Rui isn’t quite sure what she’s rehearsing for, but based on their past messages, it’s some kind of musical. It’s good to know she didn’t give up, even if he chose to. Or, was supposed to choose to give up. Rui tries not to think about it as he stands in front of the mirror by the entryway of the apartment, staring at himself once more before he leaves. It’s still him. He’s still the same person. 

Something looks a little off though, and he’s not sure what until he tries gathering his hair behind him, tying it up into a small ponytail. A little like middle school, but more deliberate. A professional adult who has their life together. A person who makes their choices conscientiously.

“I already told you I’m fine,” he says to Tsukasa, who’s quite obviously peeking out from behind a book on the couch. “This much staring is really unnecessary.”

“No, it’s just-!” He seems pleased. “That’s how you usually wear your hair.”

Is it? Rui glances at himself again. It isn't familiar, per say, just- correct. Better. Is this how his memories will return to him? So quiet and unobtrusive that he barely realises it at all? There’s something unsettling about that. Like he’s going to be led down a path so softly that it’s already too late by the time he realises the direction is wrong. 

“I’ll be back later,” Rui says, putting one hand on the door.

“Yeah!” Tsukasa calls after him. “Have fun! Stay safe! Message me if anything happens or if you don’t feel well! Or- tell Nene, if you don’t want to message me.”

It must get tiring pretending to care so much. Rui follows the directions on his phone towards the address of the cafe, though the streets are easy to follow and he doesn’t need to check the way that much. Or is it just muscle memory? The uncertainty is already getting annoying, and it’s only been a few days. But it’s probably one of those things that gets better with time.

Nene is already there, waving at him from over in the corner, and he finds himself smiling. This makes sense. This is ordinary. 

“You look well,” Nene greets as he takes the seat across from her. She’s already collected drinks for them, which is helpful since Rui doesn’t recall ever liking coffee. “Definitely not like someone who suffered a severe head injury a couple days ago.”

“Yes, that’s a look I often try to achieve,” Rui says. Nene snorts. “It’s been an…intriguing week.”

“Still nothing yet?” Nene asks, and makes a face when Rui shakes his head. “Jeez, you must really be driving Tsukasa mad.”

“Why would I be the one driving him mad? He’s the one with the poor attitude.”

“What, you’re telling me he hasn’t been fussing over your wellbeing nonstop for the past three days?”

“Well, he’s probably aware it would reflect poorly on him if I was to report otherwise,” Rui says. 

“If you say so.” Her tone suggests they’re talking about something trivial and meaningless, and not the insane trajectory of Rui’s life. Nene pushes his drink towards him, and he’s relieved to find it’s not actually coffee, but hot chocolate instead. 

“But it was mentioned you’re only here for one week,” Rui starts, trying to move away from any thoughts of love and betrothal. “What does that mean? You’re not living here anymore?”

“Not right now,” Nene says. “I’m on tour. Uh, like- performing in a musical, since I guess you forgot that too…but yeah, our next stop after this is Osaka.”

“Tour?” Rui sits up slightly. “That’s amazing, Nene! To think you would come this far…”

“Yeah, yeah. I already had to deal with this once. You don’t have to do your big speech again.”

“But it’s still something to be celebrated, no?”

“Trust me, you guys celebrate enough every time I come to Tokyo,” Nene says, grimacing. “I have to warn the others whenever it seems like you’re going to show up. But, yeah. That’s me. That’s what I’m doing right now.”

“I’m so glad you never gave up,” Rui says warmly. “You deserve this more than anybody.”

“You didn’t give up either,” Nene says, raising an eyebrow. “You’re still making shows non-stop.”

“Oh? How so?”

“Same as before?” She seems confused. “You direct stuff. You make stuff for the props, and the set. Oh, and writing too. And there’s probably more, but I can’t really understand half of the stuff you tell me.”

Rui considers this. “...Alone?”

“No. With other people. You’ve been getting some pretty good opportunities lately.”

“But I always work alone,” Rui says, frowning. “I mean- I work best alone.”

“No.” Nene takes a sip of her drink. “You work best with Tsukasa.”

“...Is that a joke?” Rui tries.

“Sometimes I wish it was, but no, you can feel it pretty obviously whenever it’s something the two of you are working on together. Not that the stuff you do separately is bad, but-” Nene shrugs. “Well, maybe it’s just because I know you both so well. It just feels like you recognise each other’s vision well, and that comes across when watching.”

Rui wonders what terrible visions he must have if they’re something Tsukasa can easily pick up on. Is he perhaps making shallow cookie-cutter films produced solely to produce a profit? Hollow sequels and remakes? 

“Jeez, I never thought you’d make that face whilst we’re talking about Tsukasa,” Nene says. “Usually it’s this expression that’s halfway between sweet and deeply concerning.”

Rui tries to imagine that, and comes up empty. “I was actually hoping I could ask you to explain our relationship to me.”

“Don’t ask me that.” Nene wrinkles her nose. “I have no idea what you guys are doing most of the time. I’m pretty sure the way you express love isn’t the same as most people, anyway. You communicate best through theatre talk and dramatics.”

This isn’t what he’d been hoping to hear. “But we’re not actually in love, of course. You’re probably just misconstruing what you’ve seen.”

“Seriously? You’re the worst about it. Even way before you started going out.”

“But I don’t like Tsukasa,” Rui says, frowning as he takes a sip of his drink. It’s surprisingly sweet. “Why would I get married to someone I hate? Is it for money? For the press?”

Nene raises an eyebrow. “You don’t hate Tsukasa. You were distant towards him for like, a month. By the time we did our third show together you were already super obnoxious. Tsukasa didn’t really realise until way later though.”

“...But that doesn’t sound like me,” Rui says. “Even if I did find Tsukasa interesting at first, I would never befriend someone who treated you so poorly.”

“Is that what you’re worried about?” Nene sighs. “That was a long time ago. And he apologised the next day. I don’t even think about it anymore.”

“I was worried you may not want to perform again,” Rui says quietly, staring into his cup. “To treat a fellow performer like that at their most vulnerable moment…it truly seems unforgivable to me.”

“We all messed up that day,” Nene says, then reconsiders. “Well, not Emu. She just kind of got dragged into our drama. Anyway, I’m telling you, I’m fine now. I’ve been fine for a long time. It never even really became a bad memory for me, not like before. I mean, yeah, it hurt a lot in the moment, but- we’ve had so many good experiences since then that it kinda takes away any of the pain that memory might’ve had. It was actually performing with all of you - Tsukasa included - that helped raise my confidence. And it also made you a lot happier, too.”

“I’m glad to hear that, but…I’m happy?” Rui feels his eyes narrow. “I’m happy being married to Tsukasa?”

“Yes. Very happy. Too happy. It’s honestly worse than the pining era sometimes, like seriously, you guys are so weird. Even if you never got your memories back, knowing you, you’d probably just fall in love again anyway.”

“But I don’t understand,” he says. “If you were fine, why did I stay a member of the group?”

Nene stares like he’s said something stupid. “Because we’re your friends, duh. We had fun putting on shows together, and we still have fun now. We understand each other. We support each other. I don’t know what to say. Is it really that difficult to understand?”

Yes?

“Anyway, I know you’re still recovering and all, but if you feel up to it, you’re welcome to come to my show at the weekend. You can bring Tsukasa, too. I’ll warn the company in advance. You’ve both already seen it but, I dunno. Maybe it’ll be fun to watch it again for the first time. Maybe it’ll spike some memories.”

Nene’s show. Rui stares at the tickets long after he’s home, holding them up to the light to see if they’ll disappear. Part of him is still waiting to wake up alone in his room, school jacket on the floor, screwdriver in hand. Though, not that he really feels seventeen anymore, but it’s also hard to feel twenty-seven. Rui’s eyes move from the ticket to the ring again. He tries to imagine it.

Tsukasa, I know that you’re unforgivably self-centred and completely egocentric, but I was wondering if you’d like to get married. Don’t worry about making my dear friend cry and want to give up on her dreams. The important thing is that you’re happy, even if no one else is. 

He clenches his fist, hiding the ring from sight. The manuscript is still on the bedside table, stolen from Tsukasa whilst he was sleeping on the couch on the first night. It’s not bad, definitely leagues above what he could have written ten years ago, but the joy of witnessing any improvement is lost to the knowledge that this was written for Tsukasa. Writing an entire script for someone who doesn’t even care about the meaning behind shows, who only accepts roles to further their own career and nothing else…yes, something has surely gone very wrong with his life.

The worst part is that it seems vaguely similar to an idea he’d had as a child, something he dreamt about again and again. The lights, the staging, the effects. A true passion project. So why is he giving it to someone who can’t even appreciate it? Maybe that’s what’s holding the ending back. The dialogue at the end still has hoards of ‘fix this’ and ‘rewrite?’ surrounding it, a monologue that seems trying to describe losing something important. It’s flat, but Rui doesn’t know how to fix it any better than his other self seems to have. 

Rui places the papers back on the nightstand, leaning back into the pillow. The bed is too big and too cold. He can hear Tsukasa talking in the other room. It really is a very prominent voice. Rui remembers it travelling well when they were on stage together. Growing up, he’d always been so used to straining his ears to listen to Nene’s murmurs and whispers. It had been- strange, not having to tell Tsukasa to speak up when working together. Sometimes he’d have to tell him to take it down some, even. But just having a few entertaining qualities isn’t enough to save a terrible personality.

Rui closes his eyes for a second, then sits up. Who is he talking to? Rui wants to know. He stands up, walking as silently as he can over to the doorway, just enough to be able to hear the words clearly.

“I don’t think so,” Tsukasa is saying. There’s a pause, so he must be on the phone. “It’s kind of different, I think. The doctors said it would be temporary, anyway.”

Oh, he’s talking about Rui. Then, there’s no harm in eavesdropping.

“No. I mean, I asked, but he didn’t want to. I don’t know! I think I’m making it worse. He probably just needs space…yeah, but it was different when you were sick. I already said that! Well, it’s only been a few days…apparently really bad concussions can last for months. Online! It says it online! I know, but-”

It’s hard to figure out who’s on the other line. Likely not Nene; she never mentioned getting sick. Emu? Or his mother? It’s someone that’s making his voice a little softer, at least. Even if he’s still loud. Rui closes his eyes and tries to imagine Tsukasa speaking to him like that. Or, maybe he already does? Rui hasn’t really been paying close attention. Mostly whenever he’s with Tsukasa, he’s thinking about how best to get away from Tsukasa.

“I’m sorry, I know it’s late,” he keeps saying, then sighs. “No, you’ve already got enough stuff going on. Even if it’s good stuff! I mean, even this isn’t bad, you don’t need to worry, it’ll work out eventually, I’m just- yeah, I know. I know. Hey, I’m the one who’s meant to be saying that to you! Mm, yeah. Thank you, Saki! I love you, speak to you soon!”

Saki…? Rui searches the murky areas of his brain, but there’s nothing. He waits a few seconds longer before he steps around the doorway, immediately catching Tsukasa’s attention. It’s startling how quickly his face switches from troubled to pleased. 

“Sorry, did I wake you?” he asks, sitting up. 

“No, I wasn’t asleep,” Rui replies. “Who is Saki? A relative?”

A hint of worry returns. “My younger sister! She’s a member of a very famous band! The four of us go to their concerts sometime. Here, I’ll show you a picture!”

Tsukasa holds out his phone, displaying a photograph of a young woman who isn’t too unlike Tsuaksa smiling at the camera. He scrolls across, changing to a photo of him and Saki together, then him, Rui and Saki all at once. The final picture has the two of them, Saki, Emu and Nene all squished into one frame.

“She seems like a happy person,” Rui says, something fond stirring in his chest as he looks at the phone. Tsukasa grins, somehow managing to look proud even though the compliment hadn’t been for him. 

“She found her own success and joy with the help of her friends! She’s really amazing.” Tsukasa spares one last look towards his phone before he looks back to Rui, expression hardly shifting. “The two of you get along well. She was very worried to hear about what happened.”

“I didn’t know you had a sister,” Rui says. So that’s…a sister-in-law. And Tsukasa seems to care for her deeply, based on his expressions. Perhaps that’s the reason behind his insistence to constantly check Rui’s wellbeing. That’s surprising, somehow. Can such self-centred people really care for others beyond a surface level?

“Of course! I wouldn’t have been able to become a star without her!”

“But I don’t recall you ever mentioning her to me before.”

“Oh, because back then I forgot…”

“You forgot you had a sister? Did you hit your head too?”

“I didn’t forget I had a sister!” Tsukasa crosses his arms. “I just forgot my intentions and motivations. But it came back to me once I was surrounded by the people who became important to me, just like your memory will too!”

Rui thinks back to Nene. It made you a lot happier, too. 

“I know why you were so mad at me, back then,” Tsukasa continues, leaning his head back against the couch. “It’s because I didn’t consider anybody else’s feelings other than my own. I know that! You’re not wrong to have thought so. I didn’t just upset Nene, but I upset Emu and you, too.”

“I wasn’t upset,” Rui says, looking away. “I was simply being honest based on my observations.”

“Well, whatever you want to call it! It was wrong. Yes, of course, my dream is for myself, but it’s for others too! I love standing in the spotlight and giving it my all, but what would that be worth if there was no audience to enjoy it, or no people on stage to share the fun with? I’m glad that you were honest with me that day. I think it was necessary for me to realise what I had forgotten.”

Is that a lie? Rui watches Tsukasa carefully, but it doesn’t seem to be a farce. He’s just speaking plainly, as if this is an issue long passed. Maybe it is. 

“Things have been a lot better since that day!” Tsukasa says. “And they’ll keep getting better! We’ll continue making shows together as soon as you get your memory back! And then once again, you can take your place as my director, and I will be your star actor!”

With a grin, Tsukasa extends a hand out towards Rui, eyes practically sparkling as they gaze up at him. It’s familiar, but it’s- not right. Of course he wants to take it, because this life everyone is telling him about seems so warm and inviting, but- he doesn’t know how. He doesn’t know how to be both himself and this at the same time. The hesitation apparently lasts a moment too long, as Tsukasa’s grin fades and he curls his hand back up into a fist, moving it away.

“Well obviously it’s still going to be a lot to take in!” he says, pressing his hand against his chest instead. “You’re still recovering, and no matter how smart you are there’s a lot of stuff to adjust to, so I get it. You can take as long as you need.”

For some strange reason, he looks sad. Sad because Rui isn’t responding to his efforts? No, it feels different to that. But that doesn’t make sense, because that doesn’t align with the Tsukasa that Rui knows. Two conflicting things can’t both be true at once. There must be an error somewhere. Is that why he feels like he’s doing something wrong?

“Nene gave me tickets for her show tomorrow,” Rui says before he can stop himself. “I was hoping to attend, if you’d be so kind as to give me your permission.”

“Hm?” Tsukasa’s eyes look back up, so bright with intensity that Rui has to look away. “Mm…well, if your head isn’t hurting anymore, then that should be fine. But you should wear some earplugs just to make sure you don’t get another headache! Live performances can be very loud!”

Rui smiles. “Louder than living with you?” 

“Hey, you’re not allowed to tease me just because you’re concussed.”

“Aren’t you too controlling of a husband?” Rui asks, a light challenge in his voice. Tsukasa remains undeterred either way. 

“How can you say that? If I didn’t look after you, you’d probably be dead by now! I mean, I take my eyes off you for five seconds and you walk into a door and knock yourself out! If anything, I’m not controlling enough.”

Rui hums. So he lets himself get taken care of, then. Simply for Tsukasa’s satisfaction? That’s verging on unforgivable. Though, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, if it was someone else…

“Anyway, going to a show might be good for you,” Tsukasa continues. “If it gets too much, I’m sure Nene won’t be offended if we step outside for a bit. I’ll obviously take some medicine as well, just in case…”

“Are we both going?” Rui asks. Tsukasa blinks.

“Are we- not?”

Did that offend him? Rui wonders just how much Tsukasa will put up with before he decides he isn’t worth it. But actually, as troublesome as it is, he can’t deny he’ll probably need Tsukasa with him if he wants to see the musical. The venue isn’t within walking distance, and Rui doesn’t know where it is anyway. And, that look on Tsukasa’s face makes him think if he says no, then…

“I suppose we are,” Rui replies, and opts not to over-evaluate that decision.

-

The show is- wonderful. Far more than Rui could have ever imagined. The lighting is beautiful, the set well crafted, the music uplifting and bright. But- more than any of that, seeing Nene stand boldly centre stage and sing with such power, such strength…it’s enough to almost make him tear up. She hadn’t been lying at the coffee shop. This is the same Nene he knows, but it’s also someone entirely different. Rui clings onto every word, lost in the enchantment. 

Yet, despite the magic of the evening, Rui can’t forget the person next to him. How was Nene able to grow so much in spite of that day…?

“I’m glad you guys could make it,” Nene says to them from the seat of her dressing room, voice tired but still radiating with elegance. “Is your head still half-loose, Rui?”

“No, I don’t feel abnormal at all,” Rui says.

“He still doesn’t know who he is,” Tsukasa answers. 

“Ah,” Nene says, and they share a look. This feels unfair. There can’t be that much difference between his old self and the new. It’s not as if he’s acting irrationally or strange. “Well, I hope you enjoyed it anyway. The audience was pretty good tonight.”

“Of course, you were beyond incredible, Nene!” Tsukasa all but yells.

“I think this is the audience you might be referring to,” Rui says, and Nene laughs.

“Well, that’s on me for inviting you guys,” she says. “Though…normally I can hear you both.”

“You were exceedingly wonderful, Nene,” Rui tells her, stepping between her and Tsukasa. “It’s surprising, but yet not surprising at all. I always knew you would do this someday.”

Nene looks at him with an affectionate glint in her eye. “That’s what you said when I got my first major role.”

“Ah, really…?”

“I guess you’ll be back to normal pretty soon,” Nene says. “Maybe you just need Emu’s influence to finalise it. Go through the full circle. She does have a knack for this stuff, after all.”

“Oh, good idea!” Tsukasa says. “And if that doesn’t work, we can just all get together at the same time! Maybe go on a holiday camp or something?”

“Just because you guys are between jobs right now, doesn’t mean we all are,” Nene mutters. “Anyway, how is the manuscript going? Did you send it off yet?”

“Ah, no, I managed to get an extension. They wouldn’t usually, for a project like this, but I convinced them with my unbeatable charisma!”

“Yeah, I’m sure it’s not the combination of having both you and Rui’s name on one project…”

“That’s just part of the charisma!”

They both laugh, and Rui’s eyes drift between the two of them. They really do seem to be- friends. The air is easy and casual. Faintly, it feels like the world might end. This isn’t the future. It’s a reality entirely separated from their own. There’s water turning to ice, and then there’s atoms distorting into an entirely different matter altogether.

“Most people don’t get to watch a show for the first time twice,” Nene says to him, snapping him out of his daze. “You should consider yourself pretty lucky.”

“I would delete my memory a thousand times if it meant watching you perform like that over and over,” Rui says with a smile. Nene rolls her eyes.

“Maybe next time set the clock forwards a little more,” she says. “A year or two would be fine.”

“Not fine!” Tsukasa exclaims. “That’s still deleting our marriage!”

“It’s fine, you guys have pictures-”

“No! No more memory loss! And no more head injuries! Even if I do think it’s a little bit cool to get to watch the same show twice for the first time!”

“We could always throw a brick at you, if you’d like,” Rui suggests. Tsukasa throws him a scandalised look.

“Don’t say such terrifying things when you have that expression on your face!”

“Wow, Rui, your younger self is really relentless, huh,” Nene says with a small smile. “Let’s hope you can both make it out of this alive.”

“This is nothing for me,” Tsukasa says firmly, head held high. “It doesn’t matter what life throws at me, I can always handle it!”

“Am I that much of a problem for you, Tsukasa?” Rui asks, intentionally dropping his voice to try and sound wounded. It works.

“N-no! I didn’t mean that! It’s just because you’re not- yourself right now!”

“Aren’t I the same person I always was?”

“Kind of.” Nene is the one to answer the question. “But…you’re definitely not yourself. There’s something…missing.”

“Missing?” That would simply be his memories, wouldn’t it?

“But you seem a little happier now, at least,” Nene says, and smiles. There’s something in it that’s so secure, so self-assured. She’s still Nene, but- she’s changed. She found a way past her fears to find a way to happiness. “I’m glad you liked the show.”

“You really liked the lighting at the start of Act 2, right, Rui?” Tsukasa asks him with an eager grin. “You were really excited about it last time!”

It had been an incredible display, by far his favourite part of the entire musical other than Nene’s performance. “Not really. I didn’t notice it that much.”

Tsukasa’s face falls. “Oh. Well. Maybe it…changed.”

“You guys better get home before it gets too late,” Nene says, sending a sympathetic smile to Tsukasa, of all people. “Thanks for coming. Rui, don’t be too mean to your husband.”

“I’m not being mean at all.” Well, maybe just a little bit. Though, truthfully, it is starting to feel a little bad. At first it had felt justified, a way to get revenge for his treatment of Nene, but now it seems entirely unneeded. It has been ten years, after all. Not only does Nene not seem to need retribution, but she doesn’t seem to want it either.

But, staring out of the car window on the way home, Rui supposes he doesn’t really know any other way to behave towards Tsukasa. They had been polite coworkers for a couple weeks, and then nothing. Which one is more befitting for a marriage? How would the other version of him usually act? None of what the others have said feel right to him. There’s a piece still missing.

“You said Emu would have time to meet, right?” Rui asks, not taking his eyes off the street lights passing by.

“Of course! Her schedule is very busy, but she makes a promise to always clear time for her friends when they need it.”

“Doesn’t that get in the way?” Rui asks. There’s a slight pause before Tsukasa replies.

“No, she’s happy to do it. Any of us would do the same, if it was something really important. Nothing is worth more than a friend in need, right? Even the best job in the universe couldn’t compete against that!”

“...I guess so,” is all Rui says. His reflection shines back at him in the darkness.

-

“Rui Rui Rui Rui is your head okay do you feel sick do you feel dizzy are you okay do you know who I am Rui????”

Emu’s palete is sweeter than Nene’s. She had asked to meet at the front of Phoenix Wonderland, near where the dessert stalls are located. She must have arrived early, because she already has two colourful drinks in her hands as she wraps her arms around Rui, nearly tackling him to the ground. Only the few seconds of warning he received from hearing her voice stop him from falling all the way back.

“Yes, I’m fine, Emu,” he says, petting her head with a smile. “I know who you are.”

For the most part, anyway. In contrast to Nene, her hair is longer than he remembers, and her face feels more delicate, more experienced. But the clothes she wears are still bursting with different colours, and she doesn’t seem to have grown any taller. She’s always been very bright. It doesn’t look like that has changed.

“Is it true that your head went whambamow?” Emu asks, pulling back to look at him with large eyes. “And now you don’t know anyone and you can’t remember anything like vshhvshvshh?”

“I did hit my head, but I’m fine now,” he says, trying a smile to reassure her. “It only hurt for the first couple of hours.”

“Mmm…” Emu’s eyes stay on his face, searching hard in a way that makes Rui feel oddly exposed. Why does it feel like she’s seeing something that he can’t? “I think you’re definitely Rui, but I’m not sure you’re completely Rui.”

“What do you mean?” he asks, but she shakes her head and presses one of the drinks into his hands.

“Tsukasa said you’re absolutely one hundred percent not allowed to go on any roller coasters,” Emu says, taking a deft step back. “I asked about the teacups but he said no to that too! Sorry, Rui! But I don’t want your brain to go jinglejingle.”

“No, that’s okay. I’m fine just walking around.” Though he had assumed the park would be the same as he remembered, it also seems to have changed a lot. There’s more colours, more movement. Everything is vivid and polished. Today is a weekday, but there are a lot of people no matter where he looks. “You’ve done an excellent job with this place, Emu. It truly sparkles.”

“Hm?” Emu tilts her head. “But I didn’t do it alone! It was everyone, including you, Rui!”

“Oh, really…?” Had he offered to assist with the maintenance of the rides? Maybe even lent some of his equipment for the stage crews to use? 

“That’s so sad, you really don’t remember any of our shows…” Emu says forlornly, blowing bubbles into her drink as her head dips. “I don’t know what I would do if I lost all our special memories together. It would be really really sad and I would cry a lot, but then maybe I wouldn’t feel sad at all because I wouldn’t even know what I was missing? Oh no, is that how you feel, Rui?!”

“No, no, I already told you, I’m doing fine.” He’s sure his face is honest and content, but she’s still staring at him with dismay. “Why don’t you show me around a little? I would love to see all the new attractions and displays. And it seems like you repainted the ferris wheel? It’s very lovely.”

“We did!” Emu says, wrapping herself around his arm as she starts leading him forwards, nearly spilling her drink in the process. “I thought it would be really fun if every single carriage was different, so that everyone can experience something a little different every time they go! Then you can ride it again and again and again and never get bored, no matter what time it is!”

He sips the bright blue of his drink as Emu takes him to every corner of the park, sometimes telling him a story about the rides, sometimes a story about their troupe's adventures. They sound fictional, but nice, and Rui listens as best he can with the lingering brain fog. They reach a far corner of the park where a long path winds past the trees and flowers, and Rui catches a glimpse of a sign reading ‘Wonder Stage this way!’. It’s a place of distasteful memories for Rui, but Emu picks up her pace once they’re on the path.

“Do you remember this too, Rui?” Emu asks, dragging him along. The route is a lot better maintained than it used to be. He doesn’t even have to duck out of the way of tree branches anymore. “This is the most special most wonderhoy place in the entire universe!”

“I remember it,” he says. But not like that.

“We already missed the morning performance, but maybe we can come back later if there’s any space!”

“Maybe.”

The stage itself also seems to be in much better shape than when Rui had last seen it. No cracks, no discolouration, no dust. The equipment has been upgraded. There are more seats. More signs. That’s good. Rui would’ve hated to see it fall into disrepair.

“Do you remember all our shows?” Emu asks, voice a little softer now. She walks up the centre of stalls, staring up at the stage with a smile. “We used to come here every single day, no matter what!”

“...Sorry, I can’t remember that yet.” Rui takes a seat near to where Emu is standing. He tries to imagine himself standing up there with a grin on his face, holding out his hands to face the audience with his friends behind him. It feels like a child’s drawing, crude and wistful.

“...Oh.” Emu is quiet for a moment, before she takes a seat beside Rui. “That must be painful.”

“No, it’s okay.”

“It doesn’t seem like it.”

“Doesn’t it?” Rui asks. “I’m sorry if I appear underwhelmed. I know this place is very special to you.”

“It’s special to all of us,” Emu says, and beams. “This is the place where we made all our dreams come true.”

“Our dreams…?” 

“Mm!” Emu’s hair bounces as she nods. “Nene sings so loud that everyone can hear her! Tsukasa is so sparkly and bright like a star! And Rui creates such special things for everyone. And we never ever stopped making everyone smile! And now I get to see people smile every single day! So it all came true here! This is the place where everything started.”

This is the place where everything ended, to Rui. He tries to picture that happiness, really tries to place himself into that life, but it just doesn’t seem possible.

“But the most special thing,” Emu continues, her smile gentle now. “Is that we also discovered new dreams whilst we were here.”

“New dreams?”

“Yeah!” Emu’s face is so warm and bright that Rui can almost put his suspended belief aside. “You found your most precious thing here, didn’t you, Rui?”

“My…” He finds himself staring at the ring again.

“You were so shinyshiny sparkling bright that day!” Emu exclaims. “I’d never seen anything like it before! But…you seem less shiny now, Rui. I think you might’ve knocked one of the lights loose when you got hurt, but luckily you’re really good at fixing things, so I think it’ll be okay!”

“...It feels impossible,” Rui says quietly. Emu doesn’t speak for a moment.

“Is it scary?” she asks. It’s the same tone someone might take with a young child, but somehow Rui doesn’t find it condescending. “Because you don’t remember, and now suddenly you have lots of love from every single direction? And that’s a really big change, right? Especially compared to when you first started making shows with us! You always had a big big wall like kztkzkzt.”

Scary…? But- why would it be scary…? They’re simply relationships. Just people he knows. 

“I’ve never lost my memories, but it was still a little scary for me too!” Emu says, kicking her legs against the ground. “I thought the future was really easy to imagine, but it ended up a little bit different to that! And it hurt, because I thought I had to be sad to make everyone else happy. But I kept everyone with me anyway, and now it’s even better than I thought! So even though it’s scary, it’s also really really happy!”

Perhaps she’s changed more than he realised. “It must’ve been a difficult journey.”

“Nope, it wasn’t difficult at all, because everyone was always there with me! That’s how you feel too, right, Rui?”

“Maybe I used to,” he says. “But I think I might’ve changed. Those things aren’t real to me anymore.”

Emu shakes her head. “I don’t think so! It’s blurry but I can still see it, I think! It didn’t really change at all. You still want those same things, right, Rui? You still want to be happy with everyone by your side! And you still have that shiny feeling in your heart!”

“No, I…”

“People’s feelings are often squishier than they seem.” Emu smiles as if still sipping on the sugar of her drink. “It’s like when we made those props and they looked so sharp and crazy to the audience, but up close you could tell they were made of foam and really soft and not dangerous at all! Isn’t that like how Tsukasa was to you at first?”

“...Made of foam?”

“He is?!”

“Well, not that I’ve noticed so far.”

“But it would be okay if he was, right?”

“I think it would depend. There are a lot of different types of foam.”

“You would never normally say that!” Emu says, gasping. “You’d usually say ‘I’d love Tsukasa no matter what type of foam he was made of!’”

“Oh…?” Is this a conversation they have often?

“But I’m sorry the Wonder Stage didn’t bring your memories back.” Emu jumps back up, spinning around. “Maybe you just need a bit longer! Have you tried drinking a cold milkshake really really fast? Sometimes that makes my head hurt enough that I can remember things I didn’t even do!”

“That’s…not something I’ve tried.” Rui forces himself away from the clouds in his head, trying to focus. “What flavour do you think would work best?”

“Mmm…all of them at once! I bet they’d be stronger when their power is combined!”

“That’s a good idea! I think if we add popping candy too, that would also create a more intense tactile sensation.” Rui pauses. “But don’t tell Tsukasa.”

“Don’t tell Tsukasa!” Emu salutes, and giggles. “But you always tell him anyway.”

Rui spares one last glance back to the stage as they leave, clenching his fist so he can feel the ring pressing against his fingers. It isn’t sadness, but perhaps some kind of longing that follows him as he walks away. A curiosity to know what he’s missing. Those memories sound so nice. So out of reach. It seems impossible, but the fact is that they did happen, so they must have always been something attainable. If only he could understand how.

When Rui gets home, only slightly shaking from sugar withdrawal, he finds the apartment empty. Not entirely unexpected; he already knew that Tsukasa would be out all day leading a workshop in the city, but it’s still strange to walk into an empty room with no loud voice to greet him. It shouldn’t be strange, though. This is how Rui usually lives. Quietly. Alone.

He puts his bag by the door, ignoring the mirror as he walks past. There’s a note stuck to the fridge. 

‘Rui! I hope you had fun with Emu! I won’t be back until later, but there’s dinner in the fridge if you’re hungry! Don’t worry if you already ate! It should be fine if you heat it up in the microwave! < that’s the box on top the counter’

Why did he feel the need to tell him what a microwave is…but it somehow feels more endearing than it does ridiculous. 

‘You used to like this and it should be good because I made it, but if your tastes are different now, don’t worry! I’ll make something else when I get back. But don’t stay up too late! Rest properly! - Tsukasa ✩’

There’s a covered bowl on the shelf, a neatly prepared meal hidden underneath the lid. It looks like something that would take a decent amount of time to prepare. Ingredients placed carefully. Meat evenly sliced. No vegetables.

What is this feeling…? Rui feels insane staring at a simple bowl of food like this, but- there’s some kind of sensation it’s evoking from him. Why…why would someone take the effort to do this? Why would Tsukasa bother to do this, even though Rui has no recollection of their relationship? It’s not something he deserves. It’s not something he should have. Yet, here it is anyway.

No, it’s just dinner. He’s being inane. Still, when he sits down to eat, the food is good. It’s comforting. It’s a reminder that the apartment isn’t quite as empty as it feels.

-

Scrolling through his phone isn’t quite as helpful as Rui would have assumed. There are a lot of messages, sure, but none of them help him figure out exactly how he’s supposed to be feeling. It’s a little unnerving reading his own words on the screen, familiar yet so foreign. These are words he would say, but not to other people. They’re things he would think, or dialogue he would write into a play. Friendly emojis used without hesitation. So many contacts, also. Rui never imagined his phone would ever be this full.

He leans back against the armrest, trying to follow a conversation with Nene from several months back, when a new notification pops up at the top of his screen.

yo, rui! i heard your head was all messed up! is that true? are you free today? i wanna see how bad it is lol!

Ah, Mizuki. Rui had been meaning to message, but it coincidentally kept slipping his mind. It’s approaching the second week since his injury now, but he’s more or less back to his regular brainpower. The manuscript is still sitting in his room, one week left before its deadline, but Rui hasn’t quite managed to finish it yet. It’s both helpful and hindering to have no prior memory of writing it. There are things his other self didn’t pick up on, but there are also things he’s sure he had other plans for, things he can no longer remember. Any time it starts to make sense he considers that Tsukasa will be the one playing the main role, and it all slips away from him.

I don’t think it’s as messed up as you think, but I would like to meet if you’re free

ohhhh i can totally feel it even through text!!! that’s so crazy! yeah okay let’s meet at the mall! i have some shopping to do and you can help carry my stuff ;3

Rui tries to imagine how Mizuki’s life could have changed in the past ten years. Hopefully it took a happy route. Middle school had been- difficult, for the both of them, but things had seemed to have been looking up for Mizuki even then. Or at least, they seemed more comfortable in themselves. More able to connect with others. Rui smiles at the thought. It’s a nice feeling to think someone was able to move past that point. 

Rui stands up, collecting his things, then stops before he gets to the door. It’s not like it matters, and it’s not like he needs to, but-

“I’m going out for a little bit,” Rui tells Tsukasa, standing at the doorway of the work room. Tsukasa looks up from where he’s stretching on the floor, one hand on his foot.

“By yourself? Did you want me to come with you?”

“No thank you,” Rui says. There’s a slight quaver in Tsukasa’s eyebrows, and Rui suddenly feels he should explain himself. “I’m meeting up with a friend, so you don’t need to worry about accompanying me.”

“Oh! Okay. That’s good.” The twitch is gone again. Rui waits, but there’s nothing else. He spots some sheets of papers on the floor.

“Is that a script?” he can’t help but ask. It warrants an overjoyed expression from Tsukasa, and Rui isn’t sure if he’s made a mistake or not. 

“That’s right!” Tsukasa grabs the paper, sitting up onto his knees. “I bet you recognised it because this is one you wrote!”

“No, I just recognised it because it looks like a script,” Rui says, but can’t deny his interest. “Is it for a show?”

“Hmm, kind of. We performed this a while ago, but now we just use this scene for workshops.” Tsukasa stops, eyes widening. “Wait, that means you’ve never seen it before! No, that’s okay. I’ll perform it for you! You deserve to see your own work executed to its highest potential, and I am undoubtedly the best person for that task!”

“Oh, really?” But the sarcasm isn’t coming across as much as he wants it to. “Well, if you feel so strongly about it, I guess I can’t refuse.”

“Of course!” Tsukasa hands the papers to Rui, then jumps up. “You can read for the engineer and I’ll do the rest!”

He’s not going to be given the chance to refuse. At least he still has time before he needs to go meet Mizuki. Still, Rui keeps his voice flat as he delivers the first lines, interested to see how Tsukasa will fare when given nothing to work with. Rui has seen him act before, and it’s entertaining, but nothing special. He pays too much attention to himself, says his lines too quickly but pauses too much for any dramatic effect to take hold, doesn’t care about the meaning behind the sentences he speaks-

Or, at least, that’s how Rui remembers it. He finds himself looking away from the page to watch Tsukasa as he delivers his lines, something striking about the way he moves and talks. Everything seems so deliberate, yet fully natural too. Well, of course, this must be something he’s performed countless times, but- still. Rui never imagined his own work would sound like this. It’s usually lost once it leaves the paper, but now it seems- more, not less. Tsukasa is- adding something to it, somehow.

Rui keeps reading his assigned lines, but finds himself getting a little more into the performance. It’s hard to consciously sound disinterested when Tsukasa is filling the air with so much energy. Is this what they normally do…? Rui could believe it. It feels familiar. It feels fun. This isn’t bad at all. Distantly, Rui thinks his future self must not be a very good actor, because it’s hard to stop himself from smiling even as he tries to stay in character. 

Though, once his eyes read the end of the second page, he pauses, momentarily. The other parts of the script had seemed normal, fully acceptable to any audience, but there’s a sudden break into a more comedic tone that seems like something only Rui would be able to understand. An audience full of ordinary people probably wouldn’t enjoy this. Perhaps it’s something his other self forgot to edit out. Either way, Rui moves several lines ahead, finishing the scene in a more sensical manner. When he looks up, Tsukasa is frowning.

“You skipped a bit,” he says. There’s something almost disappointed in his face. 

“I didn’t think we needed that bit,” Rui says, shrugging. “It seems juvenile. People would feel put off by the sudden tone change.”

“No way! Everyone usually enjoys getting to that part because it’s a lot of fun to perform! It’s my favourite part of the scene, too. But anyway, you seemed to enjoy that! I thought you would. Did you want to try it again? Or we could try a different scene!”

Yes, but also no, because Rui is scared that the feeling in his chest is going to keep developing, keep rising with the liveliness of the room. “That’s okay. I should probably get going soon.”

“Oh, right.” He only seems a little disheartened. “You’re meeting Mizuki, right?”

“...I don’t think I told you that.”

“I just guessed you would probably want to talk to people who you knew before we started making shows together,” Tsukasa says. “And that’s pretty much just Mizuki, right? Since Nene already left.”

“You…know a lot about my life,” Rui says, something stirring in his chest again.

“Of course I do. We’ve known each other a long time. We’re mar-”

“I’ll be back later,” Rui says swiftly, turning away from the door. 

“Rui, wait!” Tsukasa calls after him, voice firm, and Rui halts. “I didn’t say it before but- I have to say it before you leave!”

Rui waits, heartbeat heavy. Was cutting him off too far? Has he finally grown sick of all his behaviour? Realised that being with Rui is too much? Of course, he’s realised there’s no point staying with someone who will never love him back. It’s been this long, so an argument was inevitable, this is the start of the divorce era- 

“Your jacket’s inside out.”

“...Hm?” Rui looks down at himself, and spots the label of his jacket sticking out a little further down. “Ah.”

His brainpower is mostly what it had been, at least. 

Rui is the first one to arrive at the mall. He waits at the bottom of the elevator, surveying the stores around him. Not that he followed it much, but the trends don’t seem to be that different. The art shop is still there, so maybe he can pick up some more supplies. Though, he’s not entirely sure what for. For a…future show? Or something like that.

“Yo, Rui!”

Rui turns around to see the distinctive pastel pink hair of Mizuki as they run up to him, bow bouncing in tow. It’s much longer than it used to be, and works well with their outfit. Mizuki grins, holding up a hand.

“There you are! Hm, you still look pretty normal to me. Are you going to do something weird like start talking backwards? Actually, if it’s you, that wouldn’t be that weird. Must be kind of hard to tell if you have a head injury with someone like you, haha!”

“I see you haven’t changed much,” Rui says, smiling fondly. Mizuki makes a mock-offended expression.

“Haven’t changed much? Since ten years ago? Excuse you, this skirt is worth six thousand yen!” 

“Oh? Is that a testament to your character growth?”

“Hey, it would make past-me happy to hear,” Mizuki says, then peers at him. “Mm, but yeah, I can kinda see it. You’ve got that ‘I’m the worst’ kinda look in your eye.”

“Do I?”

“Sort of! Wow, that takes me back.” Mizuki laughs sheepishly, then spins around to face the stores. “Well, if you’re channelling your middle school self right now, maybe I can trust you to give me honest feedback on some new outfits!”

“Would I not be honest now?” Rui asks, moving to follow after. 

“Oh, you would, but you’re not as much in your own head now,” Mizuki says. “It’s a different perspective, you know? Asking someone for fashion advice with a decade long memory gap? Oh, that reminds me, did I tell you you owe me ten thousand yen?”

“If you need money, you don’t need to trick me,” Rui says, and Mizuki sticks out their tongue. They don’t seem worried about who they are at all, even with this many people around. Somewhere along the way, they must have finally made their own friends. That’s a soothing thought.

“When I got the text from Tsukasa, I thought for sure you were just kidding,” Mizuki says as they enter one of the alternative fashion stores. “Like, wow, Rui, amazing! You managed to pull off a prank so good it got Tsukasa stress-texting me! But I guess it’s the real thing, huh?”

“I’m not really sure I know what’s the real thing anymore,” Rui mutters. “You talk to Tsukasa?”

“Sometimes, yeah! He’s really funny.”

“He’s…interesting.”

Mizuki laughs, starting to sort through a row of clothes. “That’s probably the most normal thing I’ve ever heard you say about him. Hey, is this colour cute?”

“It’s nice, but a little bright,” Rui replies.

“Mm, I guess.” They put the dress back on the rack. “So what are you even doing now? Just sitting around waiting for your memories to come back?”

“More or less, I suppose.”

“Sounds really boring. I could lend you some stuff if you wanna try binge watching something.”

Rui smiles. “I hope that’s not how I’m going to spend the rest of my life.”

“Could be worse, you know? You have a nice apartment, a cute husband who cooks for you, and you won’t tell me, but I’m pretty sure you guys are way past rich now. Enough to buy me bubble tea if I ask…”

“Oh? And could that possibly be you asking?”

“Maybe!” Mizuki changes to a different aisle. “But help me pick out a cute JSK first. I just got a new blouse so I need a dress to match!”

It’s not just the fashion. The way Mizuki carries themselves is different too. It feels self assured and deliberate. That ever present loneliness seems to have disappeared. That’s something Rui always thought they had in common, but- technically speaking, can he even claim to be living in loneliness right now? 

“Actually, Mizuki, may I ask you a question?” he says, watching them compare two different styles of dress.

“What is it? You don’t like this one?”

“I like the right one better,” Rui says. “But not that. I wanted to ask, honestly speaking- do you think I’m…happy, right now?”

“Right now like this second right now, or like right now as in your plus ten years reality?”

“The second one.” Rui frowns. “Is the answer different?”

“Yeah, of course! You’ve got such a depressing aura about you right now, it’s kinda freaky. You remind me of how my friend used to be when she was going through real bad times.”

Oh, so they do have people in their life now. “I’m sorry. I’m not sure why that would be.”

“But to answer the other question, yeah, you seem pretty happy,” Mizuki says. “Why? Is something wrong?”

“...No.” Rui thinks about Nene, about Emu. About Tsukasa. “Nothing’s wrong.”

“Mmmm.” Mizuki gives him a long look, but doesn’t press any further. Rui waits whilst they try on a couple of their selected outfits in the changing rooms, and then again as they go to pay. It’s a good choice. It reminds Rui of something someone had worn for a show, sometime, somewhere. 

Mizuki adds two extra toppings for their bubble tea with a perfectly rehearsed order, and Rui knows he should probably make some kind of teasing comment or remark, but he still feels distracted. There’s something tugging at his thoughts, the sensation of something beginning. Or ending? Neither? Both?

“Hey, I have a good idea,” Mizuki says, stirring the tapioca with vigour. “We should go to the tech store! I’ve been thinking about getting a new graphics card anyway, and maybe looking at that kind of stuff will make you remember something.”

“Are you allowed to bring drinks inside?” Rui asks, and Mizuki waves a hand.

“It’s fine, it’s fine. If anyone’s gonna get us kicked out, it’s you.”

Computers specifically aren’t exactly his main area of interest, but it’s still decently interesting to see how the technology has changed since he last remembers. More capacity, more capability…Rui glances at the aisles as Mizuki squints at the price tags with distaste. So many things here he could surely use, but- use for what? Surely his ideas would be too extreme, too dangerous? True, there are incredible things half-complete in the workroom in their apartment, but they’re just for his own entertainment, aren’t they?

“So?” Mizuki twists one of the boxes around. “Do you feel any urge to make a giant robot? You wanna program some complex light rigs? Nah, what am I saying, you’d feel like that regardless of where we’re standing! I bet just the sight of the bubble tea machine got you thinking crazy things, right?”

Certainly, it did appear to be underutilised simply making drinks, but- “I still don’t remember anything.”

“Hmm.” Mizuki puts the box down. “You know, I watched a drama with the same plot as this once. The heroine wakes up with no memory and it turns out she’s like, secretly evil, but she can’t remember that, so she has to pretend to be the bad guy. It was a lot of fun, even though I thought the plot was kind of stupid overall.”

“Well, this isn’t quite as exciting as that, sadly,” Rui says. “My life seems very- normal.”

“Of course you would say that!” Mizuki laughs. “Your standards are way too high, seriously.”

“I don’t mean that,” Rui says. “It’s just- I didn’t think this was the type of life someone like me would ever live.”

“Yeah?” Mizuki looks at him when he doesn’t reply, then claps their hands together. “Okay, let’s do a quick fire trivia round! You’re in a room full of funky looking devices and contraptions. You have free reign to do whatever you want. Tsukasa is there. What do you do?”

“...Launch him?”

“Correct!” They grin, giving him a thumbs up. “See you’ll be back to normal in no time! Your true self is locked in there somewhere.”

Rui stares up at the rows of boxes full of computer parts, the fans and processors. Large sized speakers that could probably project across a full auditorium. LED lights that could reach even the very back of the stalls. “Mizuki, you’re the person I trust most to be honest about this with me. Why would I get married to Tsukasa?”

Mizuki watches him for a moment, then sighs hard, crossing their arms. “Listen, Rui, I’m sorry to have to tell you this. I know it’s going to come as a huge shock, but try to stay calm, okay? The truth is…you’re gay.”

“No, I know that.”

“Woah, really?” They slap a hand against their mouth in mock-shock, then crack up laughing again. “Wow, and here I thought you had no idea!”

“Is there really no ulterior motive for it all?” Rui asks, moving down the aisle. “I know sometimes those in show business will get married for publicity, or for the purpose of combining assets, but I don’t understand why I would do something like that. It doesn’t seem like me.”

“Why are you so sure you’re secretly unhappy?” Mizuki asks, eyes flashing with curious amusement. “Did you really think ten years of your life would pass without you making a single human connection? Did you think you’d be living surrounded by nothing except robots? With a robot husband? Yikes, I’m glad you chose Tsukasa instead of that reality!”

Rui presses his lips together. “I just get the feeling I’m missing something.”

“Yeah, I think you are! Oh, what about looking at your wedding photos? Maybe that’ll help?”

“I’ve…already seen them.” Some, anyway.

“Man, that day was fun,” Mizuki says wistfully, smiling. “Anyway, I think I get why you’re so confused anyway. Like, it’s not that hard for me to believe now because I can remember the whole process and everything, but if someone took seventeen year old me and dropped them right into the present, I’d be totally freaked out! Like, I have money? I have friends? I actually did something with my life? No way, no way!”

“Well, you’re fairly sociable, even if you stay at home a lot.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t change who I am,” Mizuki says, shrugging. “And I guess my first instinct would be to assume that I’d lied in some way, that I was still hiding certain parts of myself from people, ‘cause otherwise how would they ever wanna be friends with me, right? Like, ah, man, I have all these friends but they have no idea what kind of person I actually am. They only like me because they think I’m a version of myself, instead of just myself.”

“Exactly,” Rui says. “Why would I allow myself to live dishonestly just for the sake of a couple relationships? I don’t understand what could have changed in order for me to make that decision. I never felt upset being by myself. I had no reason to sacrifice myself like that.”

“Ah, jeez, you’re not getting it!” Mizuki shakes their head. “You’re not hiding anything! Your friends all love you for who you are! I know it sounds impossible but it’s a thing that can actually happen, trust me! I think you might’ve bashed a few IQ points out alongside your memory, seriously.”

“...I never thought you’d be the one to say that to me.”

Mizuki’s face turns wary. “What, you mean the stuff about friendship, or the stuff about IQ points? ‘Cause either way I’m gonna have to kick you.”

“Are you sure you can reach?” Rui asks, and easily moves away when they try. 

“Anyway, in the drama I watched, she got her memories back when the villain tried to kill her with another head blow,” Mizuki continues, taking a discrete sip of their drink. “So I guess if you get desperate, you could try just smashing your head against something again! Maybe you could design a machine that does it for you?”

“I don’t think I’m quite that desperate yet,” Rui says. “But I’ll keep it in mind.”

“Ugh, I can’t actually tell if you’re joking or not…” Mizuki picks up one of the graphic cards. “Hey, do you think this would stop my editing software from crashing so much? It always freaks out when I start exporting.”

“For that price range, you could probably find something better. Or you could make a few adjustments to the motherboard that would enhance it past its intended capabilities…”

“Ahh, yeah, of course you would say that…”

“But it is troublesome to think I might never get those memories back,” Rui says. “Not only for me, but for everyone else in my life. You can say that they might have a kind of genuine affection for me, but what are they going to do when I’m never able to return that? They’d have no choice but to leave, eventually.”

“Eh, I’m not so sure.” Mizuki’s face contorts with visible thought. “I mean, maybe you’ll remember, maybe you won’t, but I don’t think your feelings will change that much ultimately. I mean, it didn’t take you that long to fall in love with Tsukasa the first time, so I’m sure it won’t take too long this time, either!”

“...Nene said the same thing,” Rui says quietly. Except, at that moment it had seemed unthinkable, almost amusing in its outlandishness. Now it just seems- worrying. A slope so steep that he can’t climb his way back up, forced to descend further and further until any chance of salvation is lost. 

The conversation nags at him even as he walks home, hands in his pockets as he steps past the glow of the streetlights. It’s more concerning than his other talks had been. He doesn’t mind helping from a distance. Nene getting her confidence back, Emu saving the park from ruination - those are good things, and Rui is glad he apparently had some part in them coming to fruition. But that should have been as far as it ever went. A friendly smile and a wave. Once no longer needed, he’d be gone. 

Every time he had tried to go past that level, every time he’d dared to step closer, things had gone wrong. The shows he had shared as a child had ended no different to their performance at the park. Rui had started alone, realised just how different he was, and then gone back to being alone. That was better. It’s still better. Yes, for a moment at the start he thought Tsukasa might’ve understood him, but- he’d been wrong. Even if Tsukasa had never said no. Why did he never say no?

It’s irrelevant anyway, Rui thinks as he climbs the stairs to their apartment. Those feelings he gets when Tsukasa checks to see if he’s okay, when he smiles at him- they’re temporary. They’re frivolous. Rui isn’t the type of person who can love someone like that. And- even if they’re not- he’s not the type of person who can be loved like that. This life is too unrealistic. It’s too selfish. Performing with his friends, subjecting others to his ideas and creations, forming a close connection with someone…it’s simply too much.

“Oh, Rui, welcome home!” Tsukasa sits up from the couch, placing his book down as he rises. “Did you have a good time? Is your head still feeling okay? Did you already eat?”

His voice is eager and inviting like always, and there’s the shine in his eyes that’s always there when he looks at Rui. Not too dissimilar from a dog waiting for praise. But that’s just surface level. If Rui looks a little closer, it’s more obvious that there’s a shadow of uncertainty, of apprehension and worry. Well, of course. It’s been almost two weeks now, and nothing has changed.

“Tsukasa,” he starts, not moving from the doorway. “...What if I can’t ever return your feelings?”

Tsukasa blinks, once, twice, then he frowns. “Uh…but I mean…you’ll remember things eventually, so you don’t need to worry about that.”

“But what if I don’t? What if I never remember our time together?”

“Uhh.” He looks a little lost, eyes darting around as if searching for an answer. “I- don’t know. I really think you will, but if you never did then…I guess I’d…have to accept it.”

The answer isn’t particularly surprising, but what is surprising is the strained way Tsukasa says it, as if every word is causing him physical pain. 

“But I don’t think that’ll happen!” His vigour returns tenfold as he shoots up, eyebrows pointed down. “And before it got to that point, I’d do absolutely everything in my power to ensure you were happy and safe! I wouldn’t ever want to make you uncomfortable, but- I don’t mind however long it takes! I don’t care if I have to do it all over from the start! I would do it ten thousand times for you, Rui!”

This is dire. There’s no way. There’s no way. “What if I fell in love with someone else?”

“Uh-” The speed of which the anguish takes hold of his face could almost be something worth studying, if Rui wasn’t so focused on hearing his answer. “That’s- uh-” He swallows. “If it made you…happy…”

“I see.” Rui finally crosses the threshold into the apartment, tucking his bag away at the side and making an attempt to organise it in a way he never usually would. Tsukasa’s gaze is still burning, even with Rui’s back to him.

“Why…why are you asking those things?” Tsukasa says. Wow, he really does sound shaken. Has it always been this easy? Maybe his resolve isn’t as strong as Rui thought.

“I was just curious,” Rui replies calmly. It’s a confirmation of what he already suspected- their marriage is built on nothing. Tsukasa would simply let him go, despite how much he appears to care. That’s just how it was before, too. Actions speak much louder than words- no matter how much Tsukasa yells. 

Those feelings from before - that was just him feeling happy for a moment that it seemed someone actually wanted him. But of course that’s not true. He’d obviously let himself get carried away in that fantasy for the past ten years, but now he’s seeing things for how they really are. His other self had clearly grown foolish with age. Rui is glad he’s breaking out of that trance. Perhaps this head injury is a blessing in disguise. 

“I’m going to take a shower,” Tsukasa says after a moment, and when Rui glances around, he seems especially restless, as though struggling to know where to place himself. “Uh, maybe after we can watch a movie or something. Or something else, if you don’t want to. You can just- yeah. Just whatever you want.”

Rui watches as he leaves. There’s an almost uneasy sensation of calm enveloping him as he stands alone in the silence of the room. This had been his goal, so why does it feel so…off? 

No. There isn’t any situation where both people can be happy when the relationship involves him. That’s something he already decided a long time ago. It doesn’t matter what may have happened since then, because Rui isn’t the type of person who can connect with others. He’s always known that. Those are his true emotions. Even if they had been painful to accept, they’re still something he did accept. They were true back then, so they must also be true now.

Rui picks up his bag again, walking past the bathroom and into the bedroom. He can hear the water running, though there’s no singing or loud monologuing today. He takes a couple things from the wardrobe, and a few things from his drawer. The manuscript stays left on the table. Rui figures someone else can probably finish it, if they want. But his ideas are likely too strange for anyone to want to read anyway. Tsukasa will find other opportunities. He’ll find his own way. 

Rui makes his way back to the kitchen, tearing off a piece of the note paper Tsukasa keeps on the side. The message is simple. I’m sorry for whatever happened between us in the past. I think we both deserve our freedom. Rui slides the ring off his finger and places it neatly on top. Then, he leaves.

It’s late enough that the streets are mostly empty, and Rui has no trouble navigating himself to the bus stop he needs. His departure from their apartment was so easy that it almost doesn’t feel real. There’s that unsettling calm feeling again- but, no, it’s probably just because it’s been so long since he’s been truly alone. He’s just not used to it anymore. At least he knows he’s doing the right thing. And Tsukasa let him go, so there was never really anything stopping him. 

Rui scrolls down his phone, searching for the next bus that will take him to the station, when he hears a faint noise. Or, less faint now. It’s getting louder. And it’s not stopping.

“Rui! Rui, where are you? Rui-!”

Huh…? Why…?

“Rui!” Tsukasa’s voice yells from the top of the street, and before Rui has a chance to formulate another plan, there are footsteps thudding over to him. His hair is wet, there’s still a towel on his shoulders, and he’s wearing loungewear. Rui never would have expected him to be out in public looking like this. “What are you doing!? Where are you going?”

“I’m leaving,” Rui answers.

“Why?!” Tsukasa demands. “If there was somewhere you wanted to go, you should’ve said so! We could’ve gone together, the shower could’ve waited-”

“I don’t want to go together,” Rui says, near surprising himself with how cold his voice sounds. “That’s what you can’t seem to understand.”

“I don’t understand! Why are you doing this? Are you having trouble thinking again? Do we need to go back to the hospital?”

It’s so strange. Why can’t he just take no for an answer? Why is he still trying? “Can’t you believe I’m doing this out of my own volition? This has nothing to do with my injury.”

“You expect me to believe that? It’s only been two weeks! Of course you’re still feeling the after-effects or you wouldn’t be here at all! You have a concussion and you need to come home!”

“Didn’t you say you wanted me to be happy? This is what makes me happy. Leaving. Being alone.”

“I mean, I know I said that- and of course, I want you to be happy, but-!” He might be shaking. “There’s no way I could just let you leave! I love you!”

Rui looks away. He could almost laugh. “Love me for what? How can you say that? We’re completely different people. We have nothing in common. Our personalities simply don’t fit.”

Tsukasa stares hard at him for a moment, expression hard to read despite its intensity. Is that it? Is that enough? Is he finally going to accept Rui’s choice and let him go? 

“I really like putting on shows!” 

“...What-?”

“I like putting on shows to the very best they can be!” he yells. “I love seeing the smiles on the audience’s faces! I love the sensation of joy and interest that fills the room before and after a performance! I love hearing their feedback and all their thoughts and feelings! I love- working alongside others to fulfil a vision. I like staying up late to memorise lines.”

“W-wait-” These things aren’t-

“I like watching documentaries about theatre,” he keeps going. “I like reading the ending credits. I like imagining new types of plays. I like holding hands. I like eating dinner whilst talking to you. I like the lychee flavoured ramune even when it’s not summer-”

“Though the original is still better…” Rui says quietly.

“But I like it anyway! I like doing improv. I like singing in the car. I like singing really loudly in the car! I like talking a lot. I like sitting together. I like when we’re together. I like sharing stuff with you. Understand?! How can you say we don’t have anything in common?! I like all of that stuff! I like it a lot!”

Those aren’t your things, Rui wants to say, but that’s wrong. As much as the words are being stolen from his own thoughts, he knows Tsukasa isn’t lying either. But…but…

“I know you don’t remember,” Tsukasa carries on, eyebrows pulled tight as his voice starts to tremble. He holds out a shaking hand, Rui’s ring flat in the centre of his palm. “But please- just keep the ring. I want you to have the ring. Even if you don’t- love me. It can be your reminder that I did. That you did. I don’t know, maybe you don’t want to remember that, but- please just take it anyway.”

Want to remember…?

Oh. Does he want to remember? Does he want to accept this reality where people love him? Where he reached out a hand and someone took it instead of pushing him away? This reality where he even had the confidence to reach out in the first place. But- is that so bad? Is any of it bad? Is being in love bad? Is accepting it bad? 

Rui looks up from Tsukasa’s hand to his face. His eyes are squeezed shut, wet at the corners. 

Maybe it’s okay. Maybe it’s okay to feel happy. Maybe it’s okay to put his trust in love.

“Could you put it on for me?” Rui asks, holding out his hand. The question seems to triple the heartbreak in Tsukasa’s face, but he sniffs hard, and nods. As much as his hand is shaking, it’s still warm as he takes Rui’s hand, guiding the ring back down to the place it belongs. And-

Oh. There it is.

This has happened before. Standing face to face, their fingers touching. Tsukasa desperately trying to hold back tears. Except, last time, Rui had found himself tearing up just a little at this moment, and had been all it took to break the indestructible forces of Tenma ‘I’m absolutely not going to cry because I have to look good in all the photos even though I cry at the wedding scenes in every movie ever’ Tsukasa. His eyes had widened, then shined, and the battle had been over.

But it was that moment more than anything that had confirmed it, because Tsukasa had surely only reacted that way because he knew why Rui had had such a reaction. Of course, the decorations and the music and the flowers had been beautiful, but it was that moment that had been the true act of togetherness - being there as he cried. The silent understanding of ‘this is what I thought I would never have’ without Rui ever saying it, and the realisation that despite everything, now they did have it. Understanding without needing to be told. Not just sharing happiness but sharing sadness and doubt and courage too. To be understood. To understand. That’s it. That’s love.

It truly is terrifying. Putting himself in this situation where he’s so vulnerable, so open to pain and heartbreak. Being in such close proximity that he could so easily be hurt at any time. So close that he could hurt them at any time. But that’s the point. That’s how it has to be. It’s mutual. It can only work if they both trust one another to treat each other well. Not everyone wants to hurt him. Most people don’t want to hurt him. 

I was fine being alone. I’m still fine being alone. But- I don’t want to be alone. I want to share this with someone. I want to-

“I want to share this with you,” Rui says softly. That’s it, that’s the line he had said the first time this had happened, the first time they had exchanged their rings. Tsukasa’s head jerks up, tears shining in his eyes.

“Huh- what did you say-?! No, uh, I guess it’s just- you’re saying it but it doesn’t really mean anything, right?” He attempts a laugh, one hand rubbing at his eye. “Never mind, it’s fine, uh- what time is your bus, because, it’s kind of late so can I wait with you here just to see you off and say goodbye and do you know where you’re going and I have a spare bus card if you want, it-”

Whatever he’d been using to hold himself together seems to break in that moment, as his voice dissolves into a loud sob, hands pressing against his eyes. Rui steps forwards, wrapping him into a hug.

“Didn’t you forget to charge your bus card?” he asks, and Tsukasa looks up at him with wide eyes.

“Hwuh-?”

“In that case, I guess I’ll have to stay,” Rui says with a smile, and Tsukasa’s hands grip hard into his back.

“I don’t want you to go,” he wails, voice muffled as he buries his head into Rui’s shoulder. “I love you-!”

“Mm, I love you too. Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere.” Rui kisses the top of Tsukasa’s damp hair, breathing in. “Oh, you didn’t use your conditioner?”

“I was rushing-!” He keeps crying. “You remember…?”

“Mm, it would seem so. Apologies for being a little late.”

“You’re super late! If being on time is being late then you’re- even worse than that!” He shakes more, and Rui tightens the embrace, holding him closer.

“Should we go home?” Rui asks after Tsukasa has mostly stopped crying. “I ended up causing a lot of trouble. Sorry.”

“Next workshop, you’re wearing a helmet the whole time,” Tsukasa sniffs. “You’re not going through any doors until I check them first.”

Rui laughs. “Isn’t that too much?”

“Absolutely not! A director who ensures everyone else’s safety should also ensure his own!” 

He lets his hand find Tsukasa’s, squeezing around the metal on his finger. The present he had given him, and the present he had never taken off. 

“I was wrong,” Rui says quietly, almost to himself. “It’s much better like this.”

“You really scared me for a moment there…!” Tsukasa says, near crushing Rui’s hand with the intensity of his grip. “I thought it was gonna be like when old people get confused and just wander off into the night never to be seen again…I was thinking, aaah, I should’ve locked the door, I should’ve put a tracker on you, but then again, it’s you, that stuff isn’t going to stop you! You’ll just pick the lock or disable it or whatever!”

“I think that’s a little far anyway,” Rui says. “...But I am sorry. I forgot…what was important to me.”

“That’s okay, it happens to all of us. I mean, it happened to me too, right? That’s why you ended up hating me so much.”

“You can hardly blame me for that though, right?” Rui asks teasingly, and Tsukasa just huffs, though it doesn’t have much edge with his nose still running. “You gave a very beautiful speech there at the end. Maybe I should include something like that in my script.”

Tsukasa side-eyes him. “I don’t mind you taking inspiration from my words, but I wasn’t saying that stuff for that reason.”

“Of course, I know that.” Rui smiles. “And you’ll be pleased to know I reconsidered my decision of killing you off.”

“Oh, really? But it’s okay if you want to kill me off sometimes. I have a lot of good poses for death scenes! And we still have some fake blood left, so that could be pretty useful for that kind of thing.”

Rui realises then just how stupid he had been. There was never a point where he was too much for Tsukasa to love. There’s nothing he could be that Tsukasa couldn’t handle. There was no sacrifice, no loss of one’s self. He’s just himself. They’re just themselves.

“Would you like me to include a graphic death for you next time?” Rui asks fondly. “I’ve always wanted to experiment with using alternative means of showing blood, such as through lighting or with props. Potentially using colours other than red, too.”

“Oh, that sounds good! I’ve been working a lot on my core stability, so I think I could hold even a pretty complicated pose for a good amount of time without moving. And I’ve been trying a new stage fall technique if you want to try shooting me through the head…I think something with a bow and arrow could look really good…”

Rui keeps their hands connected the whole way home. Even though they’ve been together the whole time, it feels as though this is the moment they’ve finally been reunited. If he thinks of the weeks behind him now, there’s a deep sense of melancholy and longing. It’s incredible how he was able to put up with it for so long. Knowing it’s finally over is a relief beyond compare.

Well, he’s sure he’s not the only one who feels that way, Rui thinks as he glances at Tsukasa wrapped around his arm, back on his side of the bed. It’s finally warm again. And he can finally think intelligibly once more. Rui pencils in the last of the edits for his script, rereading the final line. It’s better now. In the morning, he’ll ask Tsukasa to read over it to see if it fits, but he’s pretty sure it already does. In any case, it’s lucky Tsukasa is asleep now, because if not he’d probably do a readthrough now despite the late hour. Rui smiles.

It’s a good script. It’ll be a good end product. The ending hadn’t made sense before, describing the heartache of a person who had lost everything. Rui had never had anything to start with, but now that he does, he knows it’s something he can never lose. Tsukasa shifts slightly, clutching tighter, and Rui places his palm over the top of Tsukasa’s hand.

"Would you love me even if I was made from polyurethane foam?" he asks distantly. Tsukasa’s eyebrows twitch.

“Go to sleep,” he mutters. “If it’s you, yes.”

Rui smiles. He’s very sure he'll never let go of this hand again.