Chapter Text
Arms wrapped around him. Slender, strong arms.
“Yuzu, Yuzu I sh-shot him, I killed him Yuzu oh my god oh my god oh my god!”
“Shhh, shhhh, it's ok. It's ok.”
Shohei clung to him in hysterics. Yuzuru worked to pry the gun away from his still shaking hands.
“It’s ok, I’ve got you. You’re ok.”
“I-I-I shot-Yuzu- I k-k-killed him- I-I’m a murderer, Yuzu! Yuzu I k-killed him-”
“It's ok, shhhh…it’s ok.”
He didn't register the walk back to the hotel, his eyes blurry with panicked tears and his shaking hands carefully held by Yuzuru.
The next thing Shohei remembered was Yuzuru pressing a mug of hot spiced cider into his hand in their hotel room.
“Something warm. Drink. It will help.”
The burn of strong alcohol mingled with the spices, making him cough. Yuzuru reached over and rubbed his back soothingly.
“Yuzu?” he croaked finally, his voice raw and uneven.
“Hm.”
“Th-the police?”
“A drunk drug addict dead in a back alley? They won’t even blink.”
“But-”
“Especially that building.”
“What? Why?”
“Have you learned nothing? All this time and you're still stupider than a stone wall. You think Kovtun hasn’t paid off all the police within a 100 kilometer radius of that place?”
Shohei stared blankly.
“Protect ourselves and our… investments . That’s what we do in this line of work, Shohei. I thought you’d have figured that out by now.”
His words were coarse but his tone was gentle.
“I still…killed…a man, Yuzu.”
“Not a man. A monster.” he stood suddenly, moving toward the kitchen. He opened and poured himself a shot of vodka from the complimentary fridge.
“Do…you want to talk about it?” Shohei asked.
He downed a second shot.
“I think I should be asking you that,” he said, leaning on the counter with both hands and staring at the empty shot glass.
“It’s just…”
“What?” he snapped.
“It seemed like…you knew him.”
Another shot.
“Did you, Yuzu?”
“None of your business.” he growled.
Four shots.
“You…skated with him, didn’t you.”
“Alright, yes! Yes, I knew him. Yes, I let him seduce me into his bed. Yes, I screamed for him, I cried for him, I begged him to teach me everything! Yes, I became what he wanted me to be. Yes, I let him in and played into his game. Yes, yes, yes, I let him seduce me. I let him ruin me. My career. My dreams. Me . Happy now?!”
“He…he did that to you, didn't he. It was him.”
This shot sloshed out of the glass and down his chin.
“Yuzu I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. He deserved it.”
Another shot.
“No…I’m sorry I didn’t let you punch him first, before I…” he swallowed, “shot him.”
Yuzuru stared at him. Well, both of him, really. How many shots had he poured himself, exactly? Then he laughed.
“I'm honestly surprised you shot the right direction in the first place, let alone well, you know, hit anything.”
Shohei ran a hand through his hair, half coughing and half laughing.
“Yeah, me too. Still have all my toes, don't I.”
“Come here,” Yuzuru grinned.
“Why don’t you come here? It’s more comfortable.” he patted the sofa.
“Because I won't be able to walk that far if I let go of this…thing.” He tapped the counter, unable to remember the word for it.
Shohei chuckled and strode over to the kitchen. He felt the heavy buzz of the cider. When he reached him, he moved the vodka out of Yuzuru's reach and wrapped him in a hug. He swayed him back and forth, rocking him gently, cheek pressed to the top of his head. They stood, embracing for quite some time.
“Bed-bedroom,” Yuzuru slurred eventually.
“I hope you don’t need to be carried,” Shohei said slowly, tongue heavy and clumsy as the cider kicked in full force.
“Wh-why?”
“Because then we’ll both end up…on the floor.”
Yuzuru scrunched his nose and giggled. They staggered to the bedroom together, hand in hand, clumsily stripped to their underwear and tumbled into bed in a heap. Clumsy kissing and fumbling hands blurred together until Shohei pulled away.
“Yuzu…I don’t think I can…you know.” He started laughing.
“What?” He asked, missing Shohei's lips with a poorly aimed sloppy kiss.
“I can’t get hard, Yuzu.”
“Neither can I,” he giggled.
“If you managed to get it up after six shots of Vodka and I have nothing after one mug of Russian spiced cider, I would be ashamed to call myself a man.”
Yuzuru cackled.
“You’ll just have to make it up to me later.”
“As you wish. I can still kiss you, though?”
“Hm.” It was a noncommittal noise, but a smile pulled at one corner of his mouth.
He was pleasantly surprised that Yuzuru didn’t push him away but instead welcomed the slow, drunk kisses. Eventually, Shohei rolled to the side. Yuzuru counted the beats of his own heart for several minutes before he found the courage to speak.
“I…” Yuzuru started. “I remember the first man I shot and killed.”
He felt Shohei curl closer to him as if seeking comfort.
“Does it get better?”
“Better as in easier? Yes. It gets easier to pull the trigger. Better as in…do you forget the first? No. No, that doesn’t get better.”
“Oh.”
Even with his eyes closed, the bed seemed to be spinning. How many shots did Shohei say he’d had again? Six? Only the weight of Shohei curled beside him was steady.
“I’m here. You’re ok,” Yuzuru said, stroking through Shohei’s hair. “It might…take awhile to sink in.”
He nodded, squeezing against Yuzuru tighter.
“When it does, if you need help…to talk…or…hmmm…”
“Thank you, Yuzu.”
He hummed. He fumbled along the covers until he found Shohei’s hand and held it lightly.
“Goodnight, Yuzu.”
He hummed in response again and sighed. He hoped he’d had enough vodka to keep his dreams at bay; at least for tonight. Shohei needed him. He didn’t want to be weak and broken when he was needed.
They slept in till almost past noon the next day. Yuzuru was hungover and cross, recoiling from any noise or light source. Shohei was in the shower while he dressed. Their bags were packed, ready to return to Japan.
He'd just slipped on his fine dress coat when something caught his eye. Yuzuru stared at the tear in his coat. He hadn't noticed it last night. He had a gash on his eyebrow from falling into the crates, but the slice through his jacket… If it wasn't for Shohei pushing him out of the way it would have been him lying dead in that frozen ally way.
He started to shake. He plunged a hand into his pocket grasping his inhaler.
“Ready to go?” Shohei asked.
“Yes.”
He locked himself away in the sleeping quarters of the private jet. Shohei assumed he was nursing his hangover and pulled up Major2 to read on his laptop.
Suddenly Yuzuru appeared in the doorway.
“Come here.”
“Alright.”
Yuzuru closed the door behind him.
“Sit.”
He did.
Yuzuru knelt between his knees and gently reached for his belt. He unbuttoned Shohei's shirt and placed slow, lingering open mouthed kisses along his skin. Shohei shivered pleasantly. This was so unlike him…
“Yuzu, what…what are y-you doing?”
“You saved my life,” he murmured, “let me say thank you.”
“You just did,” he whispered back. “You don't have to-”
“Shohei.”
“Yes?”
“Shut up.”
He bit back a grin.
Yuzuru was so gentle. His movements slow and sensual, tonguing the underside of his member and swirling his tongue, sucking lightly. He took his time, moving at a torturous pace. It felt so good. Shohei let his head fall back, eyes closed, breathing heavy and deep.
Yuzuru ran his hands all along his body, eventually pressing him to lie back on the bed. Chin and lips glistening, he climbed on top, straddling him. He kissed Shohei's neck, down his chest, flicked his tongue across his pecs and rubbed at his biceps and forearms.
“Yuzu,” he reached up to cradle his cheek.
Yuzuru kissed his palm, tongue dancing across his pulse point. He raised his hips. Yuzuru moaned as he slid down slowly; a deep and raw sound that made Shohei feel hot.
“Oh, you're so big,” he whimpered, circling his hips. “Mmmm so big.”
Shohei felt himself blushing, but his embarrassment was quickly forgotten at the sight of the erotic expression painted across Yuzuru's face. His brows drew together, his gaze was heavy, his lips parted around gasps and moans. Shohei rolled his hips up into him and was rewarded with a shuddering cry. Yuzuru knew exactly what Shohei liked, it seemed, as he worked slowly, drawing out his own pleasure, presenting himself like an open book for Shohei to see just how much he affected him. Expressions of tortured ecstasy flitted across his face, moans and whimpers cascaded from his perfect mouth. His body moved slowly, allowing Shohei to admire every slow, sensual ripple of lean muscle. Yuzuru was performing, but god did it still feel good. Shohei knew his body almost as well as he did; a caress here, a squeeze there, and the occasional movement of his hips in time with his own to hit his prostate just right.
“Oh!” He cried, “oh I love when you're inside me like that…”
“Yeah?”
“Mmmm you feel so good,” he leaned down, sighing at the way Shohei's hands splayed across his back. “You make me feel alive, Shohei.”
Interlocking their fingers, Yuzuru pushed Shohei's arms above his head. He kissed his neck, sighed in his ear, nibbled his ear lobe, and dipped his tongue into Shohei's mouth.
“You make me feel whole again,” he whispered so quietly Shohei almost didn't hear him. Almost.
Later, he lay in the crook of Shohei's arm, basking in the afterglow. They still had a few hours left on the flight and he was content to spend them curled up with the bigger man.
They arrived in Tokyo and drove straight to Yuzuru’s house. He demanded Shohei come inside and fuck him properly. It made Shohei grin tiredly. Yuzuru still held onto his ruthless facade. Pretended their sensual, intimate moments on the plane didn’t satisfy him. But, Shohei had learned, Yuzuru had a certain look to him when he was truly, deeply sated even if it was for a short time considering his impressive sex drive. He clutched his pillow softly in his sleep, lips parted. Tension lived in his jaw even in his sleep unless he was truly relaxed. On the plane in those last hours, curled against Shohei, his lips had been parted, cheeks hollow, and fingers curled lightly in his hand.
Snow was falling outside the frosted windows tinted red by the sensual lights in Yuzuru’s bedroom making it look like falling sparks. Shohei padded back into the room, ginger tea in hand. Yuzuru accepted it wordlessly and drank it quickly. Shohei, chilled from the sweat and the cold house, curled under the covers with him again.
“I was serious about what I said, you know. It doesn’t have to be Iceland.”
Yuzuru scoffed.
“We could…just…run away. Together. Find a nice little apartment somewhere.”
“I can’t.”
Shohei turned on his side. “Yuzu-”
"I can't leave, Shohei. I chose this. I was desperate and I chose this. I live with my choices. I have to. All I can do is…survive, somehow. To play the game. To stay three moves ahead. Until I'm not, anymore."
"What happens then?"
"My piece is knocked off the board."
Shohei swallowed.
“What does that mean?”
"They kill me, Shohei. When I'm too old and slow. When I can no longer play the game. When I make a mistake. When that bullet doesn’t miss.” When you’re not there to save me. He let out a shaky sigh. “I'll welcome that day when it comes." He turned over, facing the wall.
"I won't."
"You should.”
“Why?”
“You’d be free of your debt. You’d be free of me. Free to live your life however you want, away from Yakuza."
"I won't because…because, Yuzuru.” He took a deep breath, “ Because I love…you."
"No one loves me. Look at me! They obey me." He sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed, his voice shaking. "I am their boss! Don't you see, they fear me. They don't love me."
"I'm not them."
Yuzuru turned away. He felt a hand sliding up his back, his arms. He felt lips on his shoulder and then Shohei's chin resting there, his big arms wrapping around him gently.
"I love the man who sings terribly off key in the shower. I love the man who dances across the living room to One Ok Rock. I love the man who cuddles stinky stray cats. I love the man who hates bell peppers." He felt Yuzuru sob in his arms, quickly bringing a hand up to cover his mouth. "I love the man who eats all the strawberries and gyoza in my fridge. I love the man who obsesses with Whinnie the Pooh. I love the man who hugs me in the mornings, especially when he's still half asleep… I love you , Yuzuru."
"And do you love the man who mutilates other men? The man who murders people? The man who traffics drugs and weapons? The man who lives in crime and shadow?"
"It's true, I don't love what you do. But I do love you. Who you are under these tattoos. Nothing you say to me will make me abandon you."
Shohei heard a sniffle.
Then Yuzuru turned in his arms and kissed him. It was a bit of an awkward angle, but soon Shohei was rocking them back and cradling Yuzuru in his lap like one would cradle a baby. He stroked at the wet streaks on Yuzuru's cheeks.
Eventually Yuzuru pulled away with a sniffle.
“I…I think Michi hit you a little too hard on the head. That night.” Yuzuru chuckled wetly and reached up to cradle Shohei’s cheek.
“I did have quite the bump,” Shohei laughed. “But I certainly didn’t fall for Michi, now, did I.”
Yuzuru laughed and pulled himself up to kiss him again.
After a while, Shohei glanced at the time.
“It’s late,” he said quietly.
Yuzuru scratched at his cuticles nervously.
“Will…Will you stay?”
“Of course I’ll stay.”
Shohei reached down to pull the blankets around them and held Yuzuru close. It was the first time Yuzuru had asked him to stay instead of telling him to. The first time Yuzuru had kissed him, instead of being kissed. The first time Yuzuru faced him to sleep instead of turning his back to him. The first time Yuzuru's hand drifted across his chest to interlace their fingers. And it was the first time Yuzuru told him Goodnight , quiet and timid as he snuggled just a bit closer.