Chapter Text
Chen Yuzhi halts once the door has shut behind him. He bites his lips and lets his head slump against the cool wood of the doorframe.
God.
He wants to go back inside. His eyes fly to the door handle. It's just a little move, just reaching out, pressing it down and– God, he wants to tear off his clothes and crawl into bed with Yuelou and do all sorts of unspeakable things he never thought he'd want. How can anyone look like this after waking up?!
Chen Yuzhi rubs his forehead against the wood in frustration.
Fuck, he didn’t expect it to be this hard. It feels like he’s trying to push against a magnetic forcefield. And it would be so easy to give in now, so tempting to just submit to its pull.
With a groan Chen Yuzhi straightens and runs a hand through his hair. He needs to go to the congress now, he can't disappoint his team and Dr. Qiu. And he needs to fill his lungs with air that doesn’t smell like Jiang Yuelou or he’ll go insane.
Chen Yuzhi takes the first steps in a dream. Like a sleepwalker, he moves down the carpeted stretch of a hotel corridor, presses the silver button on an elevator and gets in. His own reflection stares back at him from the opposite wall – a little pale, a little flushed, and suddenly realisation hits him like a freight train at full speed.
He spent the night with Jiang Yuelou. They… they had sex last night. Chen Yuzhi wanted it, he still wants it, and Jiang Yuelou obviously wanted it too. They… His phone is a dead weight in his pocket – and he knows, he can feel , that Yuanyuan has sent him a couple of increasingly worried texts that he has neither read nor thought about since they arrived in Chongqing.
What has he done?!
His stomach drops faster than the elevator to the point of lurching, and right at this moment the elevator door opens with a cheerful ‘ding.’
Somehow he makes it out of the hotel lobby and somehow he manages to walk down the streets without crashing into people while his mind runs at double speed.
He is going to ruin everything now – now that everything was going smoothly for the first time in his life! After returning home, he’ll probably never see Yuanyuan again, his best friend, his confidante, his anchor for the past years. His stomach lurches as a wave of panic rolls through his veins. His parents. What on Earth is he going to tell his parents? That he broke up with Yuanyuan for a man he hardly knows? For a man?
Because this is insane. He hardly knows Jiang Yuelou, he’s only met him a couple of times, they have hardly exchanged ten reasonable sentences, he doesn’t even know where he lives or if Jiang Yuelou cares for more. What is Jiang Yuelou even like? Does he have a lot of one-night stands? Chen Yuzhi’s mind flies back to the things he’s heard about gay men being promiscuous. He’s got no clue if that’s true. And isn’t he technically speaking gay, too? Oh God, he should stop thinking. He needs to calm down.
Entering the congress location, he heads straight for the washrooms and locks himself up in one of the stalls. He presses his forehead against the cool plastic and counts down from fifty while he takes deep, regular breaths.
What if Jiang Yuelou doesn’t want anything more? Is that even the point? He couldn’t marry Yuanyuan either way – simply because she is amazing. An incongruous smile tugs at his mouth. Yuanyuan should have a husband who loves her, who craves for her the way Chen Yuzhi craves for Jiang Yuelou. A man who misses her when he’s away, not someone who forgets all about her once the train doors have closed behind him and a handsome person walks into his life.
Chen Yuzhi exhales one last breath, flushes the toilet, and braces himself for the congress.
It’s not a useful distraction.
The first two talks are beyond boring, held by two professors who have obviously given up on trying to impress anyone.
Chen Yuzhi crosses his legs. He uncrossed them. He interlocks his fingers in his lap and leans forward. He leans back again.
He's not sure which thought to ignore first if he wants to concentrate on the presentation. That he cheated on Yuanyuan? That he's a cheat? That he's no longer Yuanyuan’s boyfriend? That she's unaware? That his body is burning with the memories of last night? That he has to focus hard on not feeling Jiang Yuelou's mouth kissing a scratchy, tantalising path down his abdomen until his warm, wet m-
Chen Yuzhi just about suppresses a groan and recrosses his legs.
“Had a rough night?”
Chen Yuzhi's pulse plummets for a second before it breaks into a sprint. He turns his head to stare back at the amused smile of an older man beside him, knowing fully well that he's looking exactly like a deer caught in the headlights.
“Don't worry, young man,” the older man chuckles and gives his shoulder a fatherly pat. “That's what these events are for, making friends, having a couple of drinks.”
Chen Yuzhi flashes him the best smile he can conjure up. If the man knew what ‘making friends’ looked like last night, he'd probably stop laughing. Luckily, he doesn't seem to require much of an answer.
“By the way, I really enjoyed your talk yesterday. Don’t think too much about what Lao Cui said, he likes to test youngsters. I think you did a really good job countering his attacks actually. A really fascinating project. I wonder…”
And that's how Chen Yuzhi suddenly finds himself in the middle of negotiations about future collaboration with a man he only knew by name – from the reference works he uses. If this was yesterday, Chen Yuzhi would be over the moon and probably nervous and excited to the point of feeling his fingers trembling – today he's only grateful his mind was forced out of its spiral for half an hour.
At the end of the day, he honestly has no idea how he made it through the event. If Dr. Qiu asks him anything back in Jingcheng, he'll have to come up with some reasonable explanation for not remembering half of it.
With trepidation sitting heavily in his stomach, Chen Yuzhi eventually pulls out his phone. He spots Yuanyuan's name and immediately feels his chest contracting. How is he supposed to look her in the eyes and explain all of this tomorrow – after she introduced Jiang Yuelou to him, after she gave him Jiang Yuelou's number, after she suggested they go on this trip together. Not now.
Before Chen Yuzhi's mind can again spiral out of control, he wipes away her messages and opens Jiang Yuelou's chat instead, his heart thumping all of a sudden. He’s not sure when his body ever reacted this way to someone in his life.
Jiang Yuelou: Hey, Yuzhi! I'll meet you at the platform?
Followed apparently two hours later by:
Jiang Yuelou: Everything is okay.
Everything is okay ?! What is that even supposed to mean? Chen Yuzhi types out a quick reply and closes the chat. He's not going to panic about a message. They'll meet in person later, and then Chen Yuzhi will talk. Because they need to talk , not write stupid texts. He takes a deep breath and marches to the next subway station.
<<>>.<<>>.<<>>
Meanwhile, Jiang Yuelou has spent the longest day of his life waiting for evening to fall. He tried to text Chen Yuzhi about fifty times, but then he wasn’t sure what he even wanted to say. In the end all he could come up with was a ridiculously meaningless “Everything is okay” – as if anything was okay.
He hovers near the entrance to the platform, Chen Yuzhi’s trolley by his side. This is going to be goodbye for them, he has no doubts, no illusions about that. And he’s almost prepared to see Yuanyuan pick Chen Yuzhi up from the station, give him a kiss and take him back. In theory he’s prepared for this. Maybe he’ll need to get properly wasted afterwards, find someone for the night, fuck it all out of his system.
Who is he kidding.
His eyes single him out immediately when Chen Yuzhi enters the main hall, his shape, his gait, his wide eyes when they spot him too. Seriously, who is Jiang Yuelou kidding? He’ll get drunk and cry his eyes out tonight and for the rest of the week, and then he still won’t be over this man.
For a second they just stare at each other, their mouths twitching with the attempt at a smile.
“How was your day, Yuzhi?”
Chen Yuzhi’s eyes are heavy when he replies, “It was a day…”
“Yeah. Same here.”
Jiang Yuelou really wants to just pull him into his arms again, feel his body against his own for one last time – but he’s too old to act on such a ridiculous impulse.
“Let's say goodbye to Chongqing?” He asks instead, and nods at the train behind them, missing how Chen Yuzhi’s face crumbles to pieces. He can’t look at him now or he’ll do something stupid like beg him to run.
<<>>.<<>>.<<>>
The train ride is unbearable. There’s no way they can have this sort of conversation on the train, but sitting beside Jiang Yuelou for six hours without addressing the big, fat, all-encompassing elephant in the room is grating at Chen Yuzhi’s nerves.
He tries to sleep, tries to watch something on his phone – but Yuanyuan’s messages are still lurking there, waiting for an answer. So, after two hours he finds his eyes drifting constantly to Jiang Yuelou who is sitting beside him, silently staring out of the window. His mouth is compressed into one tense line, his eyes dark, the crease between his brows so deep, Chen Yuzhi wants to run his finger over it to smooth it out.
What must Jiang Yuelou be feeling now? Guilt probably? Regret? Maybe shame? He's a loyal man, Chen Yuzhi is sure about this. He must hate to have cheated on Yuanyuan about as much as Chen Yuzhi. In the dimmed light, he's pale to the point of looking sick.
“Are you okay, Yuelou?” Chen Yuzhi eventually asks, at which Jiang Yuelou jolts as if he'd been struck by lightning.
He huffs out an odd, unconvincing laugh. “Sure, sure, I'm okay.”
He even lifts the corners of his mouth in something that's probably supposed to resemble a smile. It's a sad thing, though.
Chen Yuzhi stares at his profile, the tense line of his mouth. He thinks of Jiang Yuelou's expression this morning when he thought he'd left. He hadn't looked relieved at all, rather he'd seemed dejected, calm but unhappy. Chen Yuzhi has gambled so much, why not gamble a little more.
He looks around himself, but there's nobody he recognizes in their compartment and most people are either sleeping or staring at a screen anyway. With his eyes glued to Jiang Yuelou's profile, he surreptitiously moves his hand until his fingers can curl around Jiang Yuelou’s. Jiang Yuelou's head whirls around, his eyes staring down at the point where their hands touch. For a moment Chen Yuzhi thinks he's gone too far, but then something like pain ripples over Jiang Yuelou's features and Chen Yuzhi goes all in and properly takes his hand, resting their joint fingers in his own lap.
Jiang Yuelou raises his eyes to meet his, and Chen Yuzhi instinctively understands – he's not sure he could give that emotion a name, but he clearly knows how it feels . Jiang Yuelou blinks before he averts his eyes and stares back out of the window, his fingers returning the pressure. For a while they stay like this, then Jiang Yuelou seems to come to some conclusion of his own. With his face still turned to the window, he shifts his upper body and lets his head heavily come to rest on Chen Yuzhi's shoulder. No trace of the macho with the piercing black eyes he met on that first night remains when Chen Yuzhi looks at him. His eyes are closed, his frown etched deep into his skin. Taking a deep breath, Chen Yuzhi joins him and rests his cheek against Jiang Yuelou’s hair.
They need to talk. When they're out of this train, they really need to talk, because Chen Yuzhi will die if he doesn't get to keep him. Chen Yuzhi doesn't deserve it, he knows that, but he can't help hoping anyway.
“I guess she is going to pick you up later?”
Jiang Yuelou suddenly whispers into the silence. Unable to see his face, Chen Yuzhi bites his lip and rubs his cheek against his hair.
“Is that what you want me to do?”
Jiang Yuelou huffs out a breath and takes a deep breath before replying, “I want you to be happy.”
“Then can we talk, Yuelou?”
For a moment, nothing happens, then he can suddenly feel Jiang Yuelou nodding against him.
“Not here.”
“Yeah, not here.”
“Come to my place?”
<<>>.<<>>.<<>>
Isn’t it ludicrous that this is the first time he’s coming to Jiang Yuelou’s place, Chen Yuzhi wonders a little hysterically. He’s about to lay his entire life out in front of him and yet he hardly knows anything about the man.
“Come on in,” Jiang Yuelou says a little awkwardly as he toes off his shoes. “Do you want tea?”
“I don't know.” He can’t imagine wanting anything to eat or drink for the rest of his life with how nervous he’s now.
“I'll make us some tea,” Jiang Yuelou announces and scurries away into the kitchen, looking suspiciously like he's trying to escape the silence between them. And while Chen Yuzhi sheds his shoes and jacket and awkwardly looks around the flat of the man he hardly knows, it takes Jiang Yuelou almost five minutes to come back with a teapot and two cups.
Maybe he’s just gone through a small panic attack of his own, Chen Yuzhi wonders, and inexplicably that calms him down.
“Uhm. Sit down, maybe?”
Wordlessly, Chen Yuzhi does as he's told and slumps down on the sofa, leaving enough space for Jiang Yuelou to join him. He seems to waver for a bit before he places the pot on the coffee table and takes the seat beside Chen Yuzhi.
For at least one minute they awkwardly sit beside each other, both struggling to come up with the right words.
“Yuzhi…” Jiang Yuelou eventually starts, his eyes glued to the tea pot as if it contained a manual for handling this situation. “Listen, I'm not going to tell her. What happened between us… It’s my fault and I take full responsibility.”
Chen Yuzhi stares at him, because what the fuck. “ I kissed you.”
“But you were drunk. You didn't know what you were doing. I couldn't stop flirting with you. I was the one who came to your bed that night.”
Chen Yuzhi shifts his body to stare at Jiang Yuelou in complete disbelief. If anyone didn’t need convincing to spend the night with Jiang Yuelou it was him. “And then I was the one who kissed you.”
“Maybe,” Jiang Yuelou rubs his palm against each other, still not looking back at Chen Yuzhi. “But I knew you were drunk, and I took advantage-”
“ I kissed you cause I wanted to, Yuelou!” Chen Yuzhi's voice comes out louder than he wanted to, echoing in the silence of the living room like thunder.
“If I’m honest, I wanted to… for a long while,” he adds a little quieter, his stomach contracting painfully.
Jiang Yuelou is still staring at the tea that's going to turn bitter if he leaves it to steep any longer. His chest is rising and falling quickly, although the obviously tries to appear calm.
“I promise, Yuzhi, I won't tell her. It's okay. Seriously.” His voice sounds toneless, defeated, and that’s not what is going to happen.
“ I'll tell her, though.”
Finally, Jiang Yuelous head whirls around, his eyes having gone round. “You… you're going to tell Yuanyuan?”
“Of course.” Chen Yuzhi blinks back at him, because- “I mean, of course ! I can't just pretend this didn't happen. That you didn't happen.”
Chen Yuzhi frowns at the tea pot and finally pours them both a cup, watching the steam coiling up into the air between them. Meanwhile Jiang Yuelou remains quiet, his fingers now folded in his lap like he's preparing for prayer.
“Yuelou,” Chen Yuzhi continues quietly, strangely calm now that he’s in the eye of the storm. “I can't just return to normal and pretend nothing happened between us. It wouldn't be right, and it wouldn't be fair to Yuanyuan. How could I just continue living my life with her, get married to her, while I want to be with someone else. I’d spend a lifetime lying to her and myself, and I can't do that. I won’t do that.”
Jiang Yuelou blinks, once, twice, his eyes slowly finding Chen Yuzhi's. “You- you're planning to break up with her?”
Wasn't that the point all along? “Of course, I am. What… what did you think?”
“Because of me?” He’s still blinking at Chen Yuzhi as if he was speaking a foreign language.
“Yes and no.” Chen Yuzhi rubs his thumb against his fingers. “More than anything, I'm doing this for myself. And for Yuanyuan.” He exhales a long breath and turns his head to look Jiang Yuelou in the eyes. “I've given this a lot of thought, Yuelou. Do you seriously think I could make her happy? Yuanyuan deserves a proper, loving husband, not a friend who's acting like one. Because… I obviously don't love her the way I should.”
Jiang Yuelou starts to bite at his lips as he looks up back into Chen Yuzhi's eyes, and Chen Yuzhi really wants that faint glimmer in them to be hope.
“The thing is, Yuelou…” The words suddenly feel so heavy on his tongue with his heart beating at double speed. “I didn't understand it for a while… I guess I didn’t want to understand it… but I finally realized it in Chongqing… and now I just can’t-.” He takes another deep breath and braces himself. “The truth is… I'm… I'm in love with you, Yuelou.”
Jiang Yuelou's eyelashes flutter for three seconds, like he's a malfunctioning robot, but that’s all the reaction Chen Yuzhi gets – and somehow that’s not how Chen Yuzhi imagined this confession to go.
“You're not obliged to me, okay?” He adds, feeling suddenly nervous. “Me falling in love with you is my problem, not yours. And of course I'll keep last night a secret. You don’t have to worry about that. I… I just had to tell you what you… what you mean to me.”
Jiang Yuelou still stares at him and blinks as if he wasn’t understanding a word, before he suddenly bursts out laughing. He laughs until tears well up in his eyes. Then he suddenly scrunches his eyes shut and buries his face in his palms.
Entirely taken aback by the scene, it’s now Chen Yuzhi’s turn to stare at him like he's gone insane.
“Are… are you okay, Yuelou?”
“Not obliged to you?” Jiang Yuelou forces out between something that could be a sob or a laugh, Chen Yuzhi isn’t entirely sure. He drops his hands and looks up, his eyes reddened around the rims and gently slaps Chen Yuzhi’s thigh.
“Idiot, I love you.”
His voice suddenly calm, he repeats, “This is all crazy, but I love you, Chen Yuzhi.”
Maybe he wanted to say more, Chen Yuzhi will never know, because all the tension of the day suddenly explodes into a grab, a pull and a kiss that takes both their breath away and their minds busy until the tea has already turned cold in their cups.