Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The rescue plan had gone… wrong.

As wrong as it could go.

Raphael had been missing for 2 weeks, and when they discovered his whereabouts was Foot Tower? There was no hesitation to go get him.

Unfortunately, their father seemed to have planned for that.

They all woke up in separate glass terrariums facing each other. Raph was on one side, the three of them on the other. And what had woken them up was the sound of Raph screaming.

He screamed and wailed, throwing his body against the thick glass door, slamming his fists like crazy. He looked panicked and terrified, eyes darting around like a wild animal. He was not okay.

Leo was in the center of three glass cages, between Donnie and Mikey, he could see them both through the glass walls.

“W… why is Raph over there?!” Mikey sounded as scared as Raph looked.

“I.. I have a theory…” Donnie mumbled. He had backed himself into a corner and was staring at the walls, looking for weak spots.

“Raph!” Leo yelled out and slammed his fist on the glass. He wanted to cry from finally seeing him again, but this was not the circumstances he wanted to. They needed to get out.

If Raph heard him he made no sign that he did. He was now bashing his shoulder into the glass, hard enough that Leo thought his arm might break.

“Is.. is this Stockman’s lab ?!” Mikey whined and pressed himself against the wall between him and Leo.

“LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT!!!” Raph was screaming hoarsely. He bashed his arm too hard and wailed, falling backwards and holding it still.

“Raph! Calm down! You’re hurting yourself!” Leo shouted and slammed his fist down again.

“Leo… I think these were made before we left…” Donnie sounded scared.

Leo looked around, staring at the ceiling, the floor. “What do you mean?!”

“Before… before we ran away…”

Leo stared at Raph. He knew he’d seen these before then, the day they left was the day Raph had come back from here. “Raph! What’s going on! What are these things?!”

Raph suddenly made eye contact with Leo and froze. He noted Donnie and Mikey on either side. Like he had just noticed all his brothers were here. The idea clearly terrified him as he backed away into the wall.

“N-no no no no no…”

Leo frowned and pressed his hand up to the glass. “Raphie breathe. What do you know about this?”

Raph just shook his head violently as he sank to the ground.

“Ah, good you’re all awake!” They heard someone clap their hands and footsteps draw closer.

Raph froze up entirely on the ground facing them. His eyes went blank, staring aimlessly ahead. No discernible expression on his face.

Leo wasn’t sure he’d ever seen that look before.

The unmistakable form of Baxter Stockman was now standing between their cages, looking pleased with himself.

“Let us out man!” Mikey yelled and threw his own small body against the door.

“Hm, in due time.”

“What does that mean?” Donnie asked. He’d gotten up and moved to the front of his cage, glaring at the scientist.

“Does everyone remember me? The genius who helped bring you into this world?”

No one said anything.

“Ugh, no matter. We have a new experiment that we almost got to do 4 years ago! Does anyone remember why it didn’t happen?”

He turned to look at Raph. And Raph was still staring blankly, not looking at anything as he sat on the floor. He hadn't moved.

“Hmm, that’s fine. We can work with that.” Stockman said before turning to face the boys again. “Well! Your dear sister had a checkup with me years ago, and suddenly when I asked for the rest of you you were gone! Very interesting.”

Leo didn’t like where this was going. He kept staring at Raph, hoping he’d wake up out of whatever mental state this was and tell them the way out.

“Brother.” Donnie spat.

“Excuse me?”

“That’s my brother over there.” He growled.

Stockman chuckled and adjusted his glasses. “Yes well, I suppose she was at the start. A simple error, you were all supposed to be male! But a happy accident so fret not!”

“Raph! P-please wake up!” Mikey slammed his body on the glass again. He made a sad turtle whine and it seemed to stir Raph for a second, but he went right back to comatose.

“What do you want?” Leo asked darkly.

“Tsk tsk, I want to explore everything about your genetic code. Your father on the other hand wants more of you, so that’s what you’re here for.”

Leo’s stomach was doing flips.

“Had you not all run away, we could have had about 100 new turtles by now. We’d know much more about how all of this worked, but it’s better late than never.”

“So you’re going to use us to make Frankenstein Monsters like some of the failed experiments you’d work on back in the day?!” Donnie yelled and slammed on the glass.

“Oh I knew you would remember me! But my more… personal projects aren’t what you’re here for.” He walked up to Raph’s cage and started pushing buttons on the wall.

“GET AWAY FROM HIM!” Leo screamed.

“Bah, are you requesting first dibs? That’s allowed! Suppose we’ll go in age order.”

Donnie suddenly wailed in anguish, slamming his body against the wall repeatedly.

Leo snapped his head to look at him.

He was crying.

“W-what’s wrong?!” Leo shouted.

Donnie shook his head violently. “I-I know what the experiment is!” He whisper-shouted.

A button was pushed and Leo’s cage suddenly lurched forward, away from his brothers.

And towards Raph’s.

“L-LEO?!” Mikey shouted, slamming his little fists on the glass.

Leo’s cage met Raph’s and the door between the two disappeared into the ceiling.

“LEO HOLD YOUR BREATH!” Donnie yelled, slamming his fists down.

He whipped his head around to stare at Donnie dumbfounded, but did as he said.

He took in the deepest breath he could and turned to see Raph lying on the ground with his back against the wall, still staring completely comatose. He rushed over to shake his shoulders, but Raph wouldn’t budge.

The air was getting warm in here. Were they being poisoned?

Leo eyed Raph. He suddenly noticed his tail flicking between his legs, the only source of movement.

And he realized Raph’s slit was opening up. With absolute horror.

Leo bolted out to go back to his cage, slamming on the back wall of glass. His lungs were burning from holding his breath and he saw Donnie looking at him horrified, slamming back on his own cage.

“D-DONT FUCKING BREATHE LEO!!!” He screamed.

“W-why?! What’s going on?!” Yelled Mikey.

Leo kept slamming.

“There’s no point, you need to breathe at some point. Let’s not give you brain damage before you finally do something your father approves of."

Leo was trembling, slipping down the wall and clasping the glass.

It was no use. There was no way out, and his lungs needed air.

Maybe he could pass out, maybe that would save him.

He saw both brothers screaming at him, the world was getting fuzzy.

“If you don’t cooperate I’ll just trade you for the little one.”

Leo stared at Stockman in horror.

And he couldn’t help but gasp in air.

“NO NO NO!!!” Donnie screamed.

He smelled the air. It was… nice. It felt warm and inviting. It made him feel good inside.

No no no.

He wouldn’t turn around. That’s how he’d get out of this. He’d stay in here, staring at his brothers and he simply wouldn’t go near Raph. It would be okay. He could just sit here and—

A strange noise was coming from behind him. It was a call. A kind of chirping whine. It sounded stupid, but something in Leo broke.

He turned around and saw Raph, sitting there with that same dead expression, but now he looked flushed. He was panting and his body…

Leo felt himself move without control.

He could vaguely hear Donnie screaming behind him as he moved towards Raph’s cage, felt himself lean down in front of his brother.

His beautiful brother...

Raph’s body was warm, his tail was wide open. Leo had never gotten a look at that slit before, it looked so different from his.

And Leo’s slit was open too. And something dropped out.

He could barely hear the screams behind the fuzz of his brain anymore.

“Raph…” Leo mumbled.

He didn’t get an answer.

He leaned in to nuzzle his head against his big brothers, and Raph just fell flat on the ground.

It was like he was dead. Had it not been for his hard breathing Leo would have assumed he was dead.

Raph’s tail was sticking up. It was open and inviting.

Something in Leo’s brain told him to mount.

And something else stopped and made him throw up in the corner.

Raph made no sign that he smelled or heard the puke. He just lay on the ground like a rag doll.

One with a very inviting tail.

Leo crawled over him, pressing his plastron to his back.

The feel of his tail against Leo’s felt so nice. It’s almost like he could…

Raph chirped. He chirped in his comatose state. It made no sense, but maybe Leo could make him do it again.

He rocked his hips up and down over his brother, and suddenly something felt really warm around him. Warm and wet and tight.

Raph whimpered softly and Leo leaned down to nibble on the back of his neck softly, and rock his hips back and forth.

Raph was whining under him very softly. Surely Leo could wake him up.

The movements got harder, and each time Raph made a more audible noise it just made Leo go faster. There was a loud clapping sound of his plastron slamming into the back of Raph’s shell.

It sounded nice.

Suddenly everything got so warm, and felt so nice, and Leo let out a low moan against Raph’s neck and felt something empty into the warm.

And then the warm feeling faded. The smell started to fade. The overwhelming feeling of tingly warm goodness was gone.

And suddenly he was on top of his very comatose brother, with his cock inside of him.

And suddenly he felt very sick.

“GET OFF HIM!!!!” He heard Donnie yell.

Leo scrambled away quickly, feeling his cock pull out and he heard Raph whimper as it did. He crawled away, backing himself back into his own cage as he started to panic. His cock was out still, slowly slinking back inside of him, evidence of what he’d just done leaking out of his brother's spent slit.

Leo leaned over and hurled.

“Ugh, perhaps we should have started with the other, this one is very unsanitary.”

He couldn’t stop shaking, sitting on his hands and knees and staring into the bile.

Maybe he could drown himself in it.

He heard sobbing on his right, seething on his left. His cage had been locked behind him when he left Raph, and now it was back between his younger brothers.

“WHEN WE GET OUT OF HERE WE’RE GOING TO KILL YOU!” Donnie screamed.

Mikey was just sobbing on the ground, not looking at anyone.

Leo couldn’t move.

“Ah you are twins. So, einy.. meeny… miney…” he heard Baxter say.

And then Mikey's cage moved.

Leo snapped his head up and stood quickly, shoving his body with all his might against the glass again and again. Mikey was sobbing and he still wouldn’t look up.

It was no use.

“S-STOP TAKE ME AGAIN JUST STOP!!”

“No can do, we want to see whose genes will come out on top. You’re all of breedable age.”

“PLEASE!!! DAD DOESN’T WANT MIKEY HE’S TOO SMALL!! DONNIE’S BODY IS TOO BROKEN HE ONLY WANTS ME PLEASE!!!” Leo keeps throwing his body against the glass.

“Tut tut, we’ll find out if that’s true after the first batch.”

“YOU MONSTER!” Donnie roars.

“M-Mikey!!! M-Mikey it’s okay!!! J-just go to sleep Mikey! I-it’s just a dream!!!” Leo tries. Mikey's cage has been locked in.

Leo can’t watch and slams his fists against the wall of Donnie’s cage, drawing his attention. “D-Donnie! H-how do we get out?!”

Donnie is staring at him with pupils like pin pricks, he’s completely overwhelmed. “I-I don’t know!!! I-I don’t have a-anything!!!” He’s hyperventilating.

“P-please!!! H-he said batches!!!”

Donnie shakes his head violently. “I-I don’t have anything!!!” Donnie slams his hands against Leo’s wall. He starts to sob and cry.

Leo wishes he could reach through and hold him tight and never let go.

“L-Leo I can’t!! I c-can’t I can’t!!!” He’s wailing and slamming his head into the glass.

“S-stop! W-we need that beautiful brain to save Raph!” He tries. Donnie slowly stops and tries to take deep hiccupy breaths.

“I-I think Raph.. w-went to sleep… t-to make it easier… f-for us…”

“God! Of course he did! That fucking idiot!” Leo cried.

“H-he’s gonna.. probably finish with us for t-today.. a-and see if it worked tomorrow…” Donnie sobbed.

Leo pressed his hand against the glass. “Th-then we live through today and find a way out! O-okay?! Just l-live through it!”

Donnie presses his palm against the glass to meet Leo’s. “I-I don’t w-want to..!” He sobs.

Leo stares as seriously as he can. “For Raph. For Mikey.”

Donnie trembles and nods.

“I-it’s a bad dream. You’re in a bad dream, and we’re gonna wake up. We just have to find the way out. Okay?!”

He nods again, eyes going wide as Mikey’s cage retracts back.

Leo snaps his head around to look at Mikey, he’s laying in a ball on the ground not moving.

He turns back to see Donnie’s cage start to move and Donnie starts wailing again.

“I-it’s a bad dream! G-go to sleep Don! J-just sleep!” He pounds on the glass, hoping to get his attention.

He starts sobbing again and he looks back at Mikey’s cage.

Mikey is in the fetal position, shaking as he sobs and Leo rushes over.

“Mikey! Mikey! You just had a nightmare it’s gonna be okay I promise, okay? Leo’s here you’re gonna be okay.” He tries to be soothing, despite his horror and panic.

Mikey looks up at him with horrified eyes, he won’t unfurl his legs and Leo realizes why.

“I-it’s okay it’s okay, we’re gonna get out just be so fucking brave, Mikey, you’re gonna be okay!”

“I-I didn’t want to…” he sobs softly.

Leo shakes his head, crying too. “O-of course not! I-it wasn’t you!”

“H-he looked at me… I-I chirped and h-he looked at me… d-during…”

Leo’s heart broke. He’d managed to wake Raph for a moment. Neither of them would have wanted that.

“H-he’s still asleep, it was just a sleep look, don’t worry…” he pressed his hand to the glass.

Mikey reaches out weakly to press his hand against Leo’s. “I-I don’t… kn-know what happened…”

“Just a really really bad dream. We’re gonna get out, we just have to try. D-Donnie said this probably ends for the day when he’s.. d-done..”

“Raph… h-he’s gonna wake up…”

Leo nods sadly. “A-and he’s gonna see us save him.”

Mikey whimpers and sits up, staring at Leo scaredly. “I-I don’t know how to save h-him…”

“We figure it out together, it’s gonna be okay…”

They both hear Donnie’s cage start to retract and wince. They see him sitting in a ball in the corner, holding himself and not moving.

It slowly reconnects with Leo’s cage and Donnie doesn’t make a sound.

“See? Was that so hard?” Comes Stockman's grating voice.

Leo growls and punches the glass.

“Ah ah! Let’s not break any fingers!” Stockman stands in front of Leo’s cage, his back to Raph as he starts marking things off on a clipboard.

“We’ll see how well that took in the morning. I’m sure your father would love to hear some good news.”

Mikey whimpers, Leo growls, and Donnie stays very silent.

“Well! Rest up! If it doesn’t take, we try again tomorrow! You’ll have a small meal between now and then. Automatic feeders. And look, there goes the cleaning nanobots now.”

Leo senses movement in his own cage. The bile he puked up earlier starts dissolving… or disappearing? He spots a bunch of metallic creatures eating it away and disappearing into a vent in the corner.

He keeps a note of that.

“Should you need to relieve yourselves the same thing will happen quickly, don’t worry.”

Stockman goes over to Raph’s cage and taps the glass. Raph still hasn’t moved.

“Hm. Strange mating habits on the female.” He makes a note. “Suppose it made for easy insertion. More tests needed.” He mumbled to himself as he wandered off.

Leo hears a door open and close in the distance, and the lights get dimmer.

“Raph…?” He tries to call out.

Raph still hasn’t moved.

Leo frowns and taps Mikey’s glass. “Can you try? You said he woke up…”

Mikey whined softly. “M-maybe he wants to sleep… w-would you want to look at us..?”

Leo couldn’t deny that. “But he might know more about these cages. Please Mikey…”

Mikey sat up and put both hands on the glass. “Mom?!” He called out sadly. He then added a panicked sounding small chirp.

And they all watched Raph shift into sitting upright.

Leo would have cried if he wasn’t aware he had to keep it together for his brothers.

Raph eyed each of them, his eyes sad and exhausted.

“Raph… do you know what-?”

He stared at Leo in misery for a second and turned around, covering his ears with his hands.

Donnie suddenly growled and threw himself at the glass. “NO! TURN AROUND YOU ASSHOLE!”

Leo winced and turned to look at Donnie angrily. “What the fuck are you doing?!”

“HE'S SEEN THESE CAGES BEFORE! HE KNOWS SOMETHING! HE DIDN'T TELL US SHIT AND HE WENT TO SLEEP!”

“Donnie!” Mikey yelled sadly.

“H-he’s right…” Raph mumbled.

Leo stared at his brother's back. “It’s okay, Raph…”

“LIKE HELL IT IS!” Donnie screamed and threw himself at the glass again. “YOU TURN AROUND AND LOOK AT US! YOU KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!”

Raph sobbed and held himself tightly. “I-I got us out… I-I saw the cages, th-they told me what they were, a-and I got us out…”

“This… this is why we ran away?” Mikey asked, staring at the cages bewildered.

Raph slowly turned his body around.

He looked so… so guilty.

“I.. dad told me, h-he told me to get you… I-I pretended I was okay… I pretended that we’d be willing s-so we wouldn’t go in here…”

Leo stared at his own cage. “This… this was the worst case scenario..?”

Raph nodded at him slowly. “I.. I played good… a-and that’s why we had to run… I-if anyone got caught… this was gonna be our new home…”

Leo couldn’t help but cry again. Unable to help it anymore. “Y-you didn’t tell us…”

He shrugged. “Why traumatize you too..? We were home free…”

“And now we’re locked in anyway! For god knows how long!” Donnie yelled.

Raph frowned deeply and looked at the ground. “Until I come to… term. Then… then we go again.”

Leo sat in the corner and threw up again.

“Raph.. a-are you okay…?” Mikey asked quietly. It was a stupid question.

Raph sniffed. “I… I’m holding it together..”

“Y-you went to sleep! You just let yourself fall asleep and didn’t fight!”

“Donnie!” Leo yelled, pulling himself away from the vomit pile. “Stop blaming Raph!”

Donnie glared at him for a moment before turning back to Raph. “I-I wish you were awake! Th-that felt worse because you were asleep! You left us alone YOU LEFT ME ALONE!”

Raph stared sadly as his baby brother. “I-I’m so sorry Donnie… I-I didn’t mean to.. I-I would have if I could have controlled it… I-if I knew you.. w-wanted that…”

“But you took one look at this place from your nightmares and just… tried to be anywhere else…?” Mikey said softly.

Raph looked over at him and nodded.

“Guys… I-it hurts so bad…” he suddenly sobbed and keeled over, covering his face with his hands.

Leo pressed both hands against the glass instinctively.

“Did.. d-did you all bite me..?” He asked softly, a hand on the back of his neck.

Leo frowned. He knew he had.

“I-I…” Mikey whined.

“I'M SORRY!” Donnie wailed, throwing his hands at the glass. “I-I’M SO SORRY RAPH!!” He sobbed.

Raph whimpered and wiped his eyes, sitting himself up again and staring at Donnie seriously. Leo could tell he was faking a sense of confidence.

“I forgive you, Donnie. I love you so much it’s not your fault, do you hear me?!” Donnie whimpered beside him and Raph pressed his hand against his own glass. “I fucking love you and I’m so sorry, I’ll… try to stay awake tomorrow… if you need me…”

Leo knew that was the last thing he wanted to do. That he was going to sleep to protect his own brain from breaking.

Leo shot up and looked around the cage again, placing his fingers against the vent where the nanobots were coming out to clean his fresh vomit. “Donnie. Could we do something with these bugs? They seem to automatically come in if they sense a mess.”

Donnie sniffed and turned, eyeing the vent in Leo’s and searching for his own. “I-I… maybe… I’d need to get a closer look at one…”

“They go off if you make a mess… you could throw up like Leo or…” Mikey trailed off.

“Ugh.” They all looked away from Donnie.

“So we all remember where Stockman’s lab is in the tower?” Leo asked.

Raph nodded, pointing right with his thumb. “The doors that way. It’s 4 floors up from where we slept. Pretty sure there’s alarms though.”

“I can see a security tablet on the wall from here, maybe we could use it?” Mikey asks.

Leo nods. “Okay. This is good, see? We can figure a way out. Step one, out of these cages. These keypads on the doors unlock us right? And we’re on tracks? Sounds breakable somehow.”

“Do we think the same exit we used the first time is there?” Mikey asked.

“Possible. If not, we call backup from one of those tablets.”

“What if dad comes in…” Raph suddenly asks nervously. “I… I’m gonna be no help…”

Leo states at him seriously. “You’re gonna be plenty help. Look at me. Look at us. Look what dad did to us. Use that rage against him. I know you can do it!”

Raph let out a shaky breath. “O-okay, I'll... try…”

“Okay. I’ve got a bug.” Donnie says suddenly and they look over.

He’s sitting cross legged on the floor getting a close look at a nanobot between his fingers, it’s barely visible. “It’s almost like they make a liquid when they’re all together… this thing wants to be back with its herd. Weirdly biological for a machine. But I bet it could eat through the metal, so maybe we use it on the keypads?”

“Do you think they’re listening to us?” Mikey points up at the ceiling, spotting a camera in the corner.

Leo looks up and frowns. “Good catch… but you’d think they would have done something if they heard us this whole time."

“Dad’s always too cocky…” Raph mumbles, staring at the camera before slumping down in the corner.

“Tch, yeah he probably doesn’t care what we do. Long as he gets his new offspring.” Leo grumbles.

Raph hangs his head, resting his arms on his knees. “I… I think I’m too tired for this… I-I can’t really keep my eyes open…”

Donnie looked up suddenly. Looking between his own cage and Raph’s.

“His cage is where the drugs come out. They’re not in here, they're only over there. He got hit three times...”

Leo frowned. “Hey Raphie? It’s okay, you sleep, we’re gonna get you out of this okay? I promise.”

Raph nodded tiredly and looked up at them one last time.

“I-I forgive you guys… okay..? Please just… know that I was never gonna blame you..”

“We know Raphie…” Mikey speaks softly and smiles gently at him.

And then Raph slumps over, falling asleep instantly.

And with that they all fucking cried.

Chapter Text

Overnight planning had given them an idea of something to try, the problem was they’d need time to pull it together. Which meant if Raph wasn’t currently pregnant they would go again.

“Rise and shine!” Came Baxter's horrible grating voice.

Donnie stirred from the corner of his cage, shifting uncomfortably. His whole body hurt, he didn’t have his knee braces and his back hurt like hell from the metal floor of his cage. At least he had his hoodie, as little comfort as that could offer right now.

He saw Leo already standing, ready to pester Baxter with barbs. Mikey just shuffled awkwardly in the corner.

Raph was still asleep.

“Guess what turtles! You have a visitor.”

Donnie’s head snapped up to see Baxter step out of the way so that his father could enter their view. He was standing stern, pacing back and forth between them all.

Just as threatening as Donnie remembered. Angled shoulders with accented sharp pauldrons, stiff posture in a fancy suit. Those horrible angry eyes that peaked out from his helm.

“Hm. Clearly haven’t kept up with your training in the last few years have you?” His voice was deep and loud, with a rasp to it.

A rasp that clearly woke Raph, as he bolted upright, looking terrified as he backed himself into a corner.

“Leonardo. You’re so tall now.” He said as he stood in front of Leo, who was watching him unimpressed with his arms folded.

“You’re still ugly as I remember.” Leo sneered, he was never one to let their father get to him.

The shredder turned to Mikey. “I suppose I’m not surprised you’ve barely grown. Coddled by two many weak women in your life, stunting your growth.”

“Fuck off you nasty old creep!” He shouted back, slamming his fist on the glass.

The shredder ignored him and walked over to Donnie. He stiffened and stood weakly. He missed his braces, he wished he at least had his bo staff to lean on.

“Hm. Still pathetic. Never learned to walk on your own. Weak minded.”

Donnie just glared darkly.

He then turned to look at Raph, who was standing as still as he could in the corner of his own cage, staring terrified at the glass, avoiding his father's eyes.

“There she is. Do you have any idea how much you’ve cost me?!”

Raph didn’t answer. He just stood frozen.

“ANSWER ME YOU STUPID GIRL.” He roared.

Raph winced and closed his eyes for a moment. He stared past his father.

“I… I cost you many sons. And money, probably.” It was surprising how he didn’t stumble over his words. Donnie figured that was something trained into him when it came to speaking to their father.

“That’s correct. You’ll be making that up to me ten fold. The good Doctor Stockman has seen to getting you some fertilization drugs, so we can speed up this process. He says we can have you laying once every month, isn’t that helpful?”

Donnie watches as Raph’s face grows more and more frightened. And then reverts to its more blank starting position.

“Y…yes father…” he says softly. “I’m.. h…happy to make up for my mistake…”

“You always need to scare people into loving you, doncha dad?!” Leo slammed his fist on the glass.

Shredder didn’t turn around. “Stockman?”

Baxter appeared beside him in front of Raph’s cage. “Yes sir, time to see if we have any buns in the oven."

Raph’s door flung open but he didn’t make a break for it. Didn’t fight, he just stood there. It was scary how little he minded when they both poked and prodded him.

“At least you all clearly gave enough sample. I can be proud of you for that.” Shredder sneered.

“FUCK YOU!” Donnie threw himself against the glass.

Stockman had some kind of electrical machine he was using on Raph’s crotch. He figured it was some kind of turtle specific pregnancy test, he was really trying to avoid looking at Raph’s genitals.

“Hm. Disappointing, not yet. Sorry sir.”

“No matter. We’ll start again. Perhaps I’ll see if their tactics are the problem.”

Donnie couldn’t help but slam his shell against the glass hard. Which he regretted because it hurt instantly. “YOU SICK FUCK!” He shouted as he recoiled backwards.

The shredder shot him a look, then looked over Stockman’s clipboard. “You said that one went last yesterday? He gets to start today. I’d like to see if he’s even worth keeping around.”

Raph shot Donnie a horrified look. Donnie trembled slightly.

He’d asked Raph to stay awake. And now Shredder was here. Shredder would be watching. That was most likely Raph’s nightmare.

Stockman and Shredder exited Raph’s cage, and Raph just stood there, hyperventilating.

Donnie’s cage lurched forwards and he instinctively tried to back away.

“I-it’s okay Donnie..” Leo said softly as he moved past him. “Y-you‘re gonna show how.. good you are at this…”

Clearly he’d realized the implications of Shredder’s threat.

If he did bad at this he’d be killed, perhaps used in one of Stockman’s more gruesome experiments. He remembered these threats from his childhood. They used to be empty threats, but if he was sure he was getting more turtles out of this... Maybe they weren't so empty now.

His cage locked on to Raph’s and the door retracted between them.

Raph stared at him, eyes panicked and he slumped to the ground with his shell to the wall, opening his legs shakily.

He wasn’t sure he wanted Raph to be awake anymore.

He felt the horrible feelings of warmth spread through him. Through his tail. It was the most unnatural thing in the world.

He watched Raph’s eyes get heavy lidded, watched his breath start to slow and get heavy. “D-Donnie…” he almost purred.

The horrible warm feeling made him like that.

“I-it’s okay Donnie… I-I want you t-to…”

Donnie couldn’t control himself as he slowly stepped towards his older brother. And leaned down.

“Y-you… h-have to make it look good f-for Father…” Raph whispered softly. He still had some of his composure. And he was using it all to warn him.

Donnie would have sobbed if it wasn’t for the horrible feeling of lust clouding over his brain. “I.. sh-shouldn’t have told you to s-stay awake…”

“Shhhh….” Raph slumped down the wall further to lay on the ground. “I’m okay.. R-Raphie’s here…”

He wanted to stop himself from climbing on top, but he couldn’t.

He was sure this was not a position turtles would ever get in, because Raph’s round shell was rolling them on the floor. The horrible thing between Donnie’s legs dropped out and pressed against Raph’s tail. Raph’s warm open tail. He was shaking and didn’t want to move.

Raph made a horrible noise, one that forced him to move. Donnie was sure it was some kind of mating call he knew in the back of his mind.

And he was pretty sure he did it on purpose. Because Donnie dove in.

Raph made an effort to be loud, he was sure it wasn’t really as good as he made it sound. Donnie’s knees were buckling as he tried to thrust.

They both felt Shredder’s eyes on them.

Raph was using his shell to ease Donnie’s knees, to help him thrust, using the rolling on his shell manoeuvre to ease his pain.

It would be sweet if it wasn’t so fucking disgusting.

But Raph felt so warm…

Donnie made some low growls and grunts, putting the effort in to make it look good. It still hurt, despite Raph’s help.

Raph was moaning and chirping up a storm.

“D-donniiiiie…” he moaned in his ear.

It felt horrible. He should never have told him to stay awake.

His thrusts got harder and faster, and Raph got louder and louder.

He eventually let out a deep churr and felt himself release.

He hated every second, but Raph held him still. Made sure it all released inside him.

Raph gently bit Donnie’s neck, making him squeak loudly and back away.

“Hm. I suppose he succeeded, so he’s not out of the gene pool then.”

Donnie felt the warmth leave his body and pulled out of Raph, who just stared at him with the most apologetic and guilty look he’d ever seen.

“I-I love you, D, I-I’m okay…” he whispered softly “A-and I’m sorry…”

Donnie whined and backed into his own cage, watching as the door closed and he was forced away.

He really just wanted to hug him normally.

Leo threw up watching Donnie get forced over. He was so scared after his fathers threats. It didn’t matter how many threats he made to Leo, they always knew he’d never get rid of him.

Donnie was always… expendable to their father. He knew Raph knew that as well. Perhaps that’s why he’d made it sound like he was enjoying himself.

That act had caused the throw up though.

He watched the little robots clean it up. It wasn’t much, they’d only been fed paste this morning. It had come from somewhere in the ceiling and he was trying to figure out where.

“Let’s see if my oldest son has anything better to add.”

Fuck.

He felt the cage lurch forward and watched the mechanism in the ceiling, the tracks could probably be broken if you jammed something in there.

He was startled when the door fell into the ceiling and he spotted Raph in the corner. He didn’t look okay at all.

The warm feeling fell over him and he stepped inside the cage.

“Raph…?” He asked softly, staring at all the parts of his body. He was laying on the ground with his back to him, breathing hard. His tail twitched between them and he tried to avoid looking.

“I-is this the only way we get to talk anymore…” Raph mumbled and rolled onto his back.

Leo could see he’d been crying.

“Raph…”

Raph grabbed him roughly and tugged him to lay on top of him. “I-I raped him!” He whispered horribly in Leo’s face.

Leo paled, feeling his cock line up with Raph’s slit. “Y-you… were protecting him…”

“H-he’s never gonna forgive me…”

“You’d be surprised what we can—“

Raph whined and bucked his hips up, making Leo thrust into him. It made Leo moan and then feel horrible.

“W-why are you doing this…?” Leo asked, unable to avoid thrusting shallow into him.

“I-it’s the— ugh… only way we can talk…”

Leo frowned. He sensed his father watching their backs.

“W-we both know dad doesn’t care what you do… h-he’s never getting rid of you… b-be as bad as you want…” Raph had a slight smile on his face.

He couldn’t help but laugh a little. “Y-yeah…”

“Do I need to go in there and show you how it’s done?!” Shredder boomed suddenly, and Raph froze.

He stared at Leo, utterly terrified.

Leo’s eyes narrowed and he turned his head back to glare at his father. “Nah, you’re too small he’d never even feel it!”

Raph whimpered and gripped his shoulders hard. “D-don’t…”

“He’s not gonna—“

The door opened.

Whatever these drugs were, they were turtle only.

Leo got ripped off his brother and shoved into a wall.

When he looked up Raph was frozen on the ground. He dared not move an inch.

Leo eyed the open door. He eyed his frozen brother. He thought over what would happen if he made a break for it. Perhaps he could make it to a weapon, but not before Shredder would defile Raph. Perhaps he could make it to a door, but not without his brothers. He eyed the Shredder’s outfit, wondering if he could makeshift a weapon of anything he dropped.

“This is how you do it…” Shredder pet Raph's face, which earned him muffled screams from behind his tightly sealed lips.

His pants unzipped and flipped Raph over on his front, pulling his hips up harshly.

Leo could hear Raph sob, though he was obviously trying not to.

He couldn't keep overthinking this. He decided the best course was to show off how macho he wanted him to be and threw his body at Shredder with all the force he could, knocking him to the ground. He then hissed at him for good measure.

Raph had fallen flat on the ground on his stomach and was covering his ears.

“That’s more like it…” The Shredder laughed darkly.

Leo eyed the door again. He should be thinking long term.

...But in the short term Raph was in danger right now.

So he decided to play up his part and pounce on Raph, leaning in to nibble on his neck as he rocked his hips against Raph’s backside.

“I got you.. you’re okay Raph I got you…” he whispered through his grip on Raph’s neck.

And Raph really did moan and buck back. But mainly so he didn’t have to think about how close he'd come to being raped by his father.

Again.

Between the two options, he did prefer this.

Leo thrust inside of him and kept speaking softly in his ear through his grunts. “We’re gonna get out of this, and we’re gonna kill him when we do. I’m gonna make sure we fucking kill him for good, you believe me?”

Raph moaned out a yes.

They both felt Shredder leave the cage and close the door.

Leo noted he could get in when there was two cages back to back, so there was a backside door to his cage. “There’s a back door. Did you see? Shredder got in through a different door.”

“ L-Leeeeo ~!”

Raph was losing it. He frowned and decided he needed to finish before this went on too long. They could talk about it overnight.

He made a show of growling in Raph’s ear and thrusting hard into his backside.

He only had to do it a few more times before he unloaded into him.

Part of him hoped it really would take so they could be left alone to strategize for a while. But another part knew the acts of moving cages were leaving them with the most options.

“I promise we’ll kill him Raphie…” he pressed a kiss to the back of Raph’s head as he pulled out.

Raph just whimpered in response and lay very still.

Leo stared at all the stuff coming out of his tail and looked away. Surely they would clean him at some point.

He wanted to sit in here longer, just to comfort his brother, but they needed to get rid of Shredder.

So he retreated back into his cage.

Mikey was full of rage. He wanted nothing more than to rip that stupid helmet off his father and make him eat it, watch as he choked on shards all the way down.

Raph had just had his second rounds with Donnie and Leo, and for some reason he was staying awake. He didn’t know why Donnie cared so much. It wasn’t about them, it was Raph trying to not fucking remember ever doing it. It was going to hurt him in the long run more.

Mikey didn’t care if he remembered it all if it hurt him, he just wanted Raph to be okay. And he knew there was no way he was ever gonna be okay.

“This one is the questionable one. I don’t know if it’s nature or nurture that made it so small.” Stockman adjusted his glasses as he examined what Mikey could only assume was his chart.

“The best way to find out is to make it make more.”

“FUCK YOU!" Mikey shouted and kicked the glass.

He was brought forward. He watched Raph as the cage pulled up, he looked exhausted in every way, but his eyes greeted Mikey warmly regardless.

Mikey’s eyes watered. He was still trying to be nice to him, despite what he'd done.

“H-hey Mikey...” he said softly as they both felt the warmth wash over them.

“H…how are you?” Mikey asked, trying to ignore the feeling. Trying to have some sense of normalcy.

“I-I’ve been better…” he tried to smile, but his breath got heavier and it made him cringe and close his eyes.

Mikey felt himself move into Raph’s cage. He just wanted to comfort his brother. “Y-you’re being so brave…” Mikey mumbled.

“Mmmm…” he hummed, opening his legs.

Mikey winced, feeling a twinge of pain at how open he was to doing that. He also looked… so messy down there.

“I-I don’t want to, Raphie…”

Raph nodded and rolled over onto his stomach. “D-don’t look at me then…”

Mikey wanted to cry. “R-Raph…”

“P-please just get it over with…” he pushed his hips in the air and Mikey couldn’t look away from his tail. It was horrible.

He couldn’t help the tears that fell, or the sad chirping noise he made.

And he felt like shit once he did it, because Raph sat up immediately and turned to wrap his arms around him, trying to comfort him.

It felt so nice to be held. Raph smelled so good...

“Do we need to up their intake?” Shredder's horrible voice cut through everything else.

Mikey pulled away and felt the need to push Raph down. It felt like shit to do, but he didn’t want it to get worse. He hated the feeling in his tail already.

Raph stared up at him with half lidded eyes. “I-it’s okay Mikey… I-I want it…”

Mikey felt queasy, but couldn’t help but push himself inside. It earned him a choked moan.

They were normally close, but this was ruining everything. He didn’t want it to ruin everything.

Raph tried to stay quiet, he closed his eyes. “J-just pretend I’m not here…”

Mikey nodded and frowned. He couldn’t help the way his hips thrust.  But he also didn’t want to pretend Raph wasn’t here, this was as close as he was allowed to get now. It confused him. Everything felt horrible, and yet some of it felt good.

Mikey gave him shallow thrusts, trying not to hurt him. Trying not to disgust himself. He was pretty sure he had the best chance of fighting this stuff off, and he knew why. The animal instincts in his brain always saw Raph as his mom. But the warm and fuzzy feeling didn't care about that part of his brain.

“Raise the dose. This is sad.”

No no no no!

He felt his eyes glaze over. He felt his movements get harder.

He could barely remember where he was, just the feeling of warm pleasure beneath him. Whatever he was doing it was making funny noises at him. He made some funny noises back.

He felt himself lean over and bite down on skin, it earned him a loud whine so he bit harder, whatever this was it was trembling hard and seemed to like it.

There was a loud chirping sound beneath him, and suddenly the warmth around him tightened, spasmed, and got very wet. And the feeling was enough to drive him over the edge, biting harder as he growled out a moan. He felt the release and held himself very still. He thought he tasted metal.

“Ah, that’s more like it!” He heard a cocky voice.

The air got less thick and he fell flat on top of someone who groaned. He was still in the warm feeling and just lay there.

He felt arms wrap around him gently as the warmth left his body.

And he realized his face was wet and sticky, pressed flat against Raph’s chest.

He pulled back a little and saw red and whimpered. He’d left a mark big enough on Raph’s neck that he was bleeding. And Raph barely noticed until he vaguely looked up at him.

“M-Mikey… your face is red...” he said breathlessly and went to touch his cheek.

Mikey let out a sob, he couldn’t help the tears welling up. “I-it’s yours…” he went to press his hand against the bleeding mark.

“Enough, get back in your cage so we can tend to her!”

Mikey didn’t move, he just sat on his brother and held him tight.

He heard a beep.

“Mikey!” Leo called out. “You gotta come back!”

He whined. Why did it matter to Leo?

He looked up and saw Donnie and Leo frantically beckoning him. He frowned, clearly missing something.

He took another look at Raph, who was just staring at him sadly, giving him an encouraging smile and nodded towards the door.

“I-I love you Raph…” He said softly as he got up and sluggishly moved back into his own cage.

Raph just lay there, staring at the ceiling.

His cage locked itself back across the room.

Raph was mentally checking out now. His brothers wanted him not to so he stayed, but he thinks he was done now. He wished he was dead. He imagined being dead. That felt better than this.

Maybe the bite on his neck would make him bleed out. Maybe that was why Mikey really did it.

He felt his cage open, he just stared at the ceiling. He saw the doctor in his peripheral vision and felt soft cold pressure on his neck. He didn't flinch.

“Ooh, this is nasty. Who knew that one had it in him?”

“Does it require stitches?”

“No no, just some disinfectant and a bandage. I’m curious what the turtle brain makes of it. Usually that’s a mating mark.”

He wasn’t a person, he was just a turtle. A turtle who’d been mated, was that it? Was that all he was?

“They’ve all been biting, perhaps the skin was just raw.”

“As long as it doesn’t get in the way of our purpose it matters not.”

He hears the heavy boots walk away as he’s still being tended to.

So he carefully, sneakily, eyes the doctor. He’s got a long lab coat on, and he can sense there’s something heavy in his pocket.

He watches Stockman turn to grab a bandage and he makes his move, stealthily diving his hand in and clasping his hand around something metal and tugging it out.

He tucks it into his large fist before Stockman turns back to place the bandage on his neck.

“There you go, no harm done.” He stands up and leaves the cage.

None the wiser.

Raph feels his cage lock and he idly looks over at his brothers.

Donnie is curled up in a ball in the corner, Leo is angrily pacing, and Mikey is being gawked at by their father, who's leaning his arm against the cage.

“J-just leave me alone!” Mikey shouts.

Raph wishes he could take all his problems away right now.

“You did a good job Michelangelo. I'm proud of you.”

“FUCK YOU!” He hears him spit. “WHEN I GET OUT YOU'RE DEAD.”

Raph can’t help but smile a little.  He wouldn’t let his spirit be broken. So he guessed maybe he shouldn't either.

The Shredder just laughed.

“Good job today boys. Hopefully one of you or perhaps all of you have managed to fertilize something. Proud of your tactics. I shall leave you with the Doctor now.”

They all let out a breath when he left the room.

Stockman pushed buttons and new tubes of paste lowered themselves into each of their rooms, along with a bottle of water.

“See we’re not heartless! Sustenance!”

Raph eyed him but didn’t move.

Stockman stood in front of his cage and smiled. He looked so cocky when he did it. “Come now, you’ll need extra nutrients!”

He just glared at him.

“Fine fine, I can see you all are still shy. I’m sure we can breed that out of you. Rest up, let’s think fertilizing thoughts!” He exits the room. The lights go dim again.

“He’s right about one thing though.”

“What’s that?”

“If he’s pregnant? And they’re not lying about leaving us alone till he’s due? We need another plan.”

Leo sighed and looked at the ceiling again. “Well, these cells obviously have back doors. His is against a wall, but ours have doors on either side. I was thinking if we got something stuck in the track it would let the doors open without being attached to each other.”

Donnie looked up to eye what he was talking about. “Hmm… it’s not a bad idea. Still, would require the screwdriver he has.”

Leo eyes the empty paste tube. “Or one of these?” He tapped it against the glass.

Donnie stared at it. “It IS made of metal…”

“...But I guess it’s a moot point if the cages don’t move.”

“Great, so yeah our only plan right now is to hope he’s not pregnant so we get to fuck him again tomorrow. Love this. This is a great plan A.” Donnie groaned.

Leo sighed and rubbed the back of his head. He looked over at Mikey who was lying curled up in a ball with his eyes on Raph. Raph had his back to them and seemed to be resting against the wall on the right. He could be asleep, or ignoring them. Either way made no difference.

“No one’s happy. We just have to survive.” He said softly.

“Just like the good old days then huh?” Donnie deadpanned.

Leo couldn’t help but laugh softly. “Yeah, just like the good old days…”

Chapter Text

They awoke again when Stockman entered. No Shredder this time, thank god.

Raph barely moved when Baxter entered his cage, just stood up and let him check him over. His eyes were glazed over, but... not in the same way as before. He was just… someone else right now. Someone... different.

They all inched forward waiting with bated breath for the news.

“Hm. Still nothing.”

Leo let out a shaky breath of relief. He looked over at Donnie, who nodded solemnly.

They just had to do it one more time. Donnie could get the screwdriver, wait it out until they were gone, and they’d be ready to properly escape.

Everyone’s resolve was more steely today. But Raph most of all. He had... an angry look in his eye. One Leo recognized in the back of his head.

“Do you have a preference for who goes first?” Stockman asked as he left the cage.

Raph shrugged. “Doesn't matter. More the merrier.”

“Tch, I hadn’t thought you’d be willing for a group effort. Perhaps it would be interesting to see… no. Mission first. Perhaps for the second batch.”

Mikey made a hurling noise.

Leo looked at him and winced, the idea had clearly gotten through to his stomach through the brave face. The nanobots made quick work of the mess.

“I suppose we could get the little queasy one out of the way. Would you like that?”

“Doesn’t matter what I like.” Raph's face made no expressions. No grimace, no anger. Just stared at Mikey’s cage.

The look made Mikey nervous, Leo could tell.

“I’m sure your father will be pleased to hear you say that.” Stockman said as he pushed the button to push Mikey’s cage forward. “This one needs a higher dose of course, I believe there’s a strange bond getting in the way of you two being able to properly commit.”

Raph shrugged as the cage opened. He lay down on the ground on his stomach, waiting for Mikey to enter. They could all see the drugs were starting to affect his body, but his expression never changed.

Watching Mikey’s entire posture change was horrible. He went from standing still in the corner to hunched on all fours, stalking at Raph like he was a cat with a mouse.

Leo looked away. He looked at Donnie whose eyes were staring hard at Raph’s fist. The one he couldn’t open.

Leo tapped on the glass to draw his attention. “Don’t look over there. Look at me.”

Donnie looked at him nervously.

“It’s gonna be okay.”

He nodded back at him solemnly. “M-Mikey doesn’t… look okay…”

“I know. You’re not Mikey. Raph’s got you. You’re gonna be okay.”

Donnie took a trembling breath, trying to keep it together. “I-I’m gonna be okay…” he repeated.

Leo got closer to whisper. “Get your hands on his to grab it. Make it look like you’re holding hands.”

“H-holding hands..” he repeated back softly.

“One last time.”

Donnie nodded again. He took a deep breath and stood up as straight as he could, deciding to glare at Stockman instead of looking anywhere else.

There was a horrible animalistic moan as Mikey finished his turn. Leo couldn’t help but turn to look as he saw Mikey sitting on Raph, crying as he came down. Raph was idly rubbing his shoulder, trying to calm him, but his eyes never softened.

It was scary.

Mikey slowly made his way off and back into his cage, blubbering in the corner.

“Who's next?”

“Me.” Donnie said as stiffly as he could. “I'd rather get in before Leo.”

Leo eyed him but he didn’t look back.

Mikeys cage locked back in and Donnie’s moved out.

Leo stared at Raph. He saw a twitch in his expression, saw his hand clench around the screwdriver. He was holding on to it for dear life.

“Very eager today, your father will be proud.”

Leo was sure Donnie’s body hurt by the way he was standing, trying not to fall, but he wasn’t allowing himself to wince. He had a mission.

Leo felt the need to watch. He needed to make sure this plan would work. Raph clearly had the same idea, because he caught his eye as Donnie’s cage opened. But that eye...

Raph was on his back again, ready to let Donnie use him as a rocking horse. Leo pondered if that hurt.

He watched as the two of them buckled under the weight of the air, as Donnie sat down on top of Raph and decided to pin his hands down, pressing their palms together.

Leo watched Stockman. He was staring pretty closely at them, probably making notes of the positions. But if he looked too close…

“Hey Doc? Didn’t you used to have a career?” He asked loudly.

He watched Baxter sputter and glare at him. “Used to?! Look at me! I have the highest paying job at Foot Tech!”

“You’re being paid to make kids fuck each other! Hell of a career change! Kinda sad!”

Stockman glared at him darkly and marched over.

Perfect.

“Do you have any idea of the genetic capabilities you all have?! How much research will we get out of this?! The US government is willing to pay BILLIONS for the research we get out of you and your offspring!”

Leo glanced behind him. He saw Raph’s hands empty now, and Donnie clenching his fist tightly on the ground.

Leo smirked back at Stockman. “Man didn’t you used to like… build shit? This is sad. You’re not even doing anything, you’re a glorified babysitter!”

Stockman looked fucking pissed. “I wouldn’t expect an animal to understand! These are highly advanced techniques! The collection of aphrodisiacs and-and pheromones and LSD! The complicated formula that makes this all work! My doing!”

Leo folded his arms unimpressed. “Your greatest achievement is making animals fuck. Uh, Mother Nature wants a word with you.”

Mikey snorted beside him.

Stockman's fists clenched and he stomped his foot. “You dare?! I would have had you all upgraded with bio technological advancements the world has never seen! But your stupid father requested more of you so I’m not to touch! Some of the offspring will be mine to do as I please with!”

Leo felt queasy at that. “Yeesh... Genetic testing on babies? Guess I’m not surprised. You’re a fucking pervert.”

“ENOUGH!”

Leo looked over at Raph’s cage. The two looked spent but Stockman wasn’t there to turn the machine off, they were still rutting and biting. At least Donnie’s hand was still in a fist.

“Ooh ooh! Is it my turn Mister?!” Leo waved at him. “I’ve been awfully good!”

Stockman grumbled, scowling as he walked back to the controls. Leo watched his brothers rutting, feeling gross but keeping his eyes on Donnie’s hand.

As Stockman turned it off they ceased slowly, Donnie looked exhausted, pancaking on top of Raph’s plastron.

Raph just lay there under him, panting and idly rubbing Donnie’s head. He saw him whisper in Donnie’s ear but couldn’t make out what.

Donnie slowly rose and crawled his way back into his cage on his fists and knees. When he got in he curled into a ball and held himself tight, keeping his fist tight. His cage locked back into its spot and Leo’s started to move.

Leo had a new energy about him. This was it, the last time he’d have to do this. He wanted to cheer and hug Raph and tell him everything would be okay, but as he got closer his mood soured.

Something was deeply wrong with Raph, he just lay there, not looking at him. His face was angry now. Way angrier than yesterday.

“Perhaps I’ll leave you in there for the day. You said you were the favourite, I’m sure if anyone's genes could be chosen your father would prefer yours. I’m curious how long you can last. How fast you can work yourself back up again.”

Leo’s eyes widened and he stared back at Stockman. “I-I…”

“Yes, I think I’ll leave you there for the night! I’m sure by morning we’ll have a positive pregnancy test!” Baxter smirked and turned the drugs back on. And then he left the room entirely.

Leo clenched his fists. He’d done it again. He’d made it worse.

The warmth spread over his body again. He whimpered and fell to the ground, inching closer to Raph.

Raph still wouldn’t look at him.

He felt himself climb on Raph, unable to do anything about how nice it felt to be close to him.

“R-Raph…?” He asked softly, trying not to moan.

“You did it again you idiot…” he replied. He was clenching his teeth. His voice was dark.

“I just… needed him to not see Donnie…”

“I fucking had it. You fucked it all up.”

“I-it’s okay…” he felt himself enter his brother, and tried to hold back his moan.

Raph wouldn’t give him the benefit of letting him know he felt it.

“I-it’s the last time, it’s okay…”

“It’s not. You’re trapped in here with me. Stockman left, now we’re gonna fuck all night cuz you couldn’t keep your STUPID MOUTH CLOSED!!!” He suddenly shouted.

Suddenly Leo felt scared.

Raph lunged up out of nowhere, pushing Leo down on his back. Their tails never separated as Raph moved to a riding position, his hands pinning Leo’s down.

He looked furious. Angrier than Leo ever remembered. And he remembered a lot of Raph’s angriest moments. He closed his eyes to stop seeing him.

Raph was growling. Loudly, in an animalistic way. He started bucking his hips on Leo, and Leo hated how good it felt. He was pinned, trapped, drugged up on all kinds of more illegal substances than he thought, and he was scared.

“You know how bad Dad wanted this?! I’ve been running away from this for years! And what did you do!?” He was thrusting himself harder.

Leo couldn’t help but moan.

“N-now you get to know what it’s like! To feel scared! To feel useless and stupid and broken! You fucking idiot Leo! You ruined everything!” He was pulling almost all the way out and slamming himself back down. The loud smack as their plastrons slammed against each other hurt his ears.

Leo saw Raph’s face, he was crying while he did this, through that angry face. Somehow that hurt more than anything he was doing to him.

“R… Raph…!” He tried to not sound like he was moaning. He just wanted to make Raph feel better, but not like this!

Raph leaned down to kiss him hard. Leo’s eyes went wide and he tried to pull away, he was squirming under him trying to escape to no avail.

“R-Raph stop!!!” He heard Mikey yell.

Leo frantically kept trying to pull away, felt Raphs teeth bite down on his lip. He wanted to throw up but the air was making him moan instead.

He heard Mikey let out the most pathetic sounding chirps he could, and Raph pulled away, staring at Leo in horror.

“M-mom! M-mommy! Mom!” Mikey screamed.

Raph snapped his head around to stare at Mikey wide eyed. The tears were free falling but Raph didn’t sob or make a noise. He wasn’t thrusting anymore he was just sitting on Leo, staring at their baby brother like a deer caught in headlights.

Leo saw Donnie’s head under the vent, he was clearly frantically working to unlock their cages.

He just had to calm Raph down. He just had no idea how.

“R-Raphie… I’m sorry…” he said softly. He was trying to ignore the warmth of his brother's slit, trying to sit still.

Raph turned to look down at him in horror. His hands pulled away from Leo’s. “I-I…” He stuttered. He kept crying.

Leo gulped back his own tears. “When… when we were kids, you were always my big brother.. y-you were mean and you hurt me sometimes, but you were always trying to protect me…”

“L-Leo…”

“I-I never wanted your job… I had.. I had no idea how much it hurt you to lose it, th-that.. that the things I would say to you hurt so bad…”

Leo scooted up onto his elbows, trying to sit up straight to make eye contact. “You… you’re really hurting in there aren’t you..? Dad says you’re a girl, your body says you’re a girl, these fucking drugs want you to… god no wonder you hated me… you knew all that time this is what dad wanted…”

“W-we give him the son he always w-wanted..” Raph mumbled.

Leo winced and leaned up, gripping Raph’s face. “You are not here to do what dad wants. You're not here to make babies or be a sex puppet, or a donor for evil scientists. You're not even supposed to be Mikey’s mom. You’re our brother and we love you. You’ve always been our brother and you always will be.”

Raph sobbed, cringing on top of Leo and wrapping his arms around him tightly, crying into his neck loudly.

Leo just held him tight. To hell with the feeling in his tail, to hell with the thick scent of musk and sex that made him crazy. He just held his brother tight, crying over his shoulder without making a sound.

“GOT IT!” Donnie yelled. His cage's door swung open but he didn’t leave. Instead staying down to keep programming.

Leo smiled.

Mikey's cage swung open next, and he rushed out, first grabbing a security tablet and hitting some buttons, turning alarms off. He then ran over to the buttons on Raph’s cage.

The normal air turned back on, and they just sat in each other's arms, crying and holding each other.

“Aaand…”

The door to Raph’s cage finally opened, and Donnie and Mikey rushed in to drag them both out.

They lay out flat on the floor for a minute, having been separated, and they both slowly came down from their high.

Donnie had taken the tablet from Mikey and was scrolling wildly, looking for anything he missed.

Leo shoots up when he feels his cock finally go down and he starts looking around the room.

“Okay. Step one, out of the cage: done. Step two: weapons. Anything we can use in case we run into anyone.”

Mikey nods at him determined and begins running around the room in search.

Raph groggily stands, rubbing his head. “Leo, I…”

“Shhh, not now okay? You apologize to me when we’re free.” He gives him a gentle smile.

Raph returns it and nods.

Chapter Text

They’d managed to find some lead pipes for Leo, a wooden broom handle for Donnie, and some ropes for Mikey.

Raph was eyeing syringes and wondering if he could hold them between his fingers and use them as brass knuckles.

“Donnie, do you think you can call April from that thing?"

“Already done. I told her to meet us where she found us last time.”

“Got an answer?”

“She said thumbs up, she knows we have no time so she's driving fast.”

“Raph!” Mikey ran up to him grinning wildly. “How about these?”

He held out two scalpels.

Raph smirked and took them. “That’ll do.”

He held them between his fingers, pretending to swipe at an enemy in the air. “You think I can cut a jugular with these?” He asked Mikey.

“Hell yeah.” Mikey grinned back at him.

Leo walks over to the door, holding his pipes out in front of him protectively. “Okay. We go quiet, we go fast. Stairs, basement, boiler room, hatch. We’ve done this before as fucking babies, we got it now.”

They all nodded.

“Hey." Donnie suddenly said. "This things got access the the power grid.”

Leo grinned widely. “Oh, this will be a piece of cake. Everybody ready?”

“Fuck yes.” Raph grinned.

Donnie held up the tablet and opened the door. And then he cut the power.

They ran.

It was pitch black but they remembered the way.

Leo managed to knock someone out on the way to the stairs, the satisfying sound of a skull crunching made them all giddy.

They were gonna need so much therapy.

There were a long way from ground level so they ran. Every so often a stair door would open and someone would lash out. Donnie was pretty sure he poked someone’s eye out, Mikey had definitely garroted a guard, and Raph enjoyed when he felt the scalpels cut deep through someone's windpipe.

They made it to ground level and there were about 20 guys in there. Lit by the emergency lights.

Luckily, they were so fucking ready for this.

Raph roared and lunged, he cut three people in one swing.

Donnie was on crowd control, spinning his broom wildly, pushing back the swarms and knocking out the odd one.

Mikey was jumping from guard to guard, choking them out.

Leo was picking off stragglers, his weapons seemed the most violent and he loved the sound of bones crunching under him.

They’d finished the room off in a minute and then Leo jerked his head towards the basement.

They all ran down and stepped into the boiler room.

And froze.

The Shredder was standing there, alone, standing on the grate.

Leo stood protectively in front of Raph, holding the pipes up across his chest. Donnie huddled to his right, Mikey on his left.

Shredder picked a fleck of lint off his suit.

“I’m almost impressed. Save for the fact that you stupidly thought you could escape the same way twice.”

“We’re done being your experiments.” Leo growled.

“Hm. Doubtable. You’re all weak from days of nothing but rutting. You’ve never been able to defeat me before, and you still have what is undoubtedly my property inside of one of you.”

Raph clenched the scalpels tight. He tried not to let his hands shake.

“Raphael. Come willingly, and I might not punish you too harshly.”

“He’s not going ANYWHERE NEAR YOU!” Mikey shouted.

“Dearest, would you please? You can see there’s no way out. I’m in front of your only exit.”

“Your goons are all dead upstairs.” Donnie growled.

“No matter, I can get more.” He held his hand out, palm up, looking past them all directly at Raph, urging him to take it. “Come now. Lest we make this entire ordeal a mistake and you waste billions of dollars in research by making me kill your brothers.”

Raphael growled. “I’m. Not. Afraid of you...” He said it low, his posture going feral.

Leo’s eyes widened slightly at the sound, and he smirked.

“What did you say you stupid girl ?” He flipped his hand to a fist, holding out the clawed gauntlet.

“I'M. NOT. AFRAID OF YOU!” He roared.

Leo stepped out of the way as Raph lunged at their father with enough force to knock him into the wall.

Then all hell broke loose. They all started attacking at once. The shredder parried and they dodged, weaving in and out of each other flawlessly.

Mikey managed to lasso his arm and yank it backward, Leo was whaling on him with the pipes in the gut, Donnie got behind him and held his other arm back by the shoulder with his makeshift bo. Between the twins, they were pretty sure they could break his arms at the shoulders with enough force.

Raph climbed on Leo’s back, and stabbed his father in both eyes.

The Shredder roared back in pain and Donnie and Mikey let his arms crunch, causing more anguished whaling.

It was the best song any of them had ever heard.

Raph yanked his scalpels out and one of shredder's eyeballs popped out with it, leaving the other one a bloody mess.

Leo yanked the helmet off him and they all saw the broken human underneath for the first time.

And under it he was just a normal fucking human. Just a man. A pathetic, evil, broken man.

“God he really is ugly under there!” He laughed.

“Mom wasn’t kidding, she really musta pitied him.” Raph added.

“Your… mother?!” The shredder was breathing hard, he couldn’t see anyone, couldn’t move his arms. He was on his knees.

“Yeah you fucking idiot, you couldn't even kill your wife right!” Mikey laughed and tightened his grip. The groan of pain he made was delightful.

“Does it make him a bad murderer or a bad exterminator?” Donnie added with a chuckle.

Leo smiled and gave Raph his pipes. “You deserve the final blow.”

Raph took them tentatively, feeling the weight in his hands. He held them up and stared into his fathers disgusting brutalized face.

He was going to turn his nightmares around.

“You… you made me feel so small. You made me feel broken, and useless, and like I was only good for pleasure or- or biology… like a lab rat. I know that’s all we ever were, but you were so stupid, you never saw that by breaking me down you lost your bargaining chip. I could have gotten them in line for you, but you… you tried to ruin me the way you ruined mom…!”

He shifted the weight in his hands.

“I was never your daughter. And I was NEVER EVEN YOUR SON!” He screamed.

He struck his father in the chest, earning a groan.

“Ugh… weak as your mother too…” The shredder garbled out.

“This isn’t about my mother! I’m more than my mother! I’m more than you! I-I don’t belong to anyone! AND YOU WILL NEVER! HAUNT ME AGAIN!” He cried loudly and brought both pipes down on his head, watching the blood and brain matter spray everywhere.

Donnie and Mikey let go of their holds, and what was left of their father crumpled to the ground.

Bits of blood, bone, brain matter, and more slipping into the grate below him.

Raph just stood there, staring at the corpse and breathing hard, arms shaking.

They were all bloody now, and all staring at him.

He heard his shaky breath and realized he’d been crying during his speech, but he thought he got the message across anyway. And then he started to laugh.

Leo clapped him on the back. “Man, that was satisfying as hell.”

Raph laughed louder and dropped the pipes, letting them clatter to the ground loudly. He grabbed Leo and hugged him hard.

He felt Donnie and Mikey hug him from behind.

And they all laughed.

“You fucking got him!” Mikey clambered up onto his back, holding him tight.

“You got all that bullshit out!” Donnie laughed and rubbed his head.

“You fucking eviscerated him! Look at him! He’s in pieces!” Leo kicked some bit of brain into the drain.

“God… I fucking killed him.” Raph breathed out hard.

“You killed him!” Mikey laughed and kissed the top of his head, then regretted it as he tasted blood. “Blugh! Why did I do that!”

Raph laughed loudly and shifted to swing Mikey around into his arms, hugging him tight. “I-I’m free!” He cried.

Mikey giggled wildly in his arms.

"God we are gonna need some fucking therapy..." Leo mumbled as he and Donnie moved the corpse of the grate.

Donnie laughed and shook his head. "I dunno, seems like a good coping mechanism to kill your father to me!"

Leo pulled the grate up. “Fuck man, deja vu or what?!”

Raph took a deep breath and stared at the hole, not letting go of Mikey.

“Even though last time I was running away from it, and this time we’re running away after having done it… this feels better.” He admitted. “I feel lighter.”

Leo clapped him on the back again. “We’re all glad. But I think I want to go the fuck home and shower for like. A week.”

“GOD fucking ditto.." Donnie sighed. "Ugh, I need April to show me how to put in a proper shower, I don’t want to sit in this shit in the bathtub.” He flicked some brain matter off his shoulder.

Raph laughed and stared at the hole to freedom. “You guys go first.”

Leo sat on the edge and hopped down, holding his arms out for Donnie.

Donnie jumped in, landing in Leo’s arms with ease.

Raph helped Mikey down, he landed on Leo’s shoulders.

He then looked around the room. Looked at the pathetic corpse on the ground. Making sure it wouldn’t move again.

He eyed the furnace in the corner.

And beamed.

“One sec guys.” He called down.

He opened the door to the furnace, lifted the remains of the shredder, and threw him inside. He then sat on his knees in front of it, watching him burn. Letting the smell of burning human flesh fill his nostrils.

It was warmer than the drugs. Made him happier than the pheromones.

Leo was right, they’d all need therapy.

He stayed until the body became a greyed out husk, making sure it was really dead, and then jumped in after his brothers.

Chapter Text

When Raph hopped down he saw his brothers all laying flat in the water and scrubbing themselves, obviously deciding gross musty drain water was better than blood, semen, bile, and brains.

Raph snorted and squatted beside them. “Really? We’re taking a break for a bath?”

“I don’t want to stink up April’s truck.” Donnie said.

“You took your time. Did you.. do what I think you did?” Leo asked nervously.

“Burned him in the furnace. Sat and watched. Needed to see it for real.” He lay back and did the same as them, scrubbing his body.

“The brains weren't enough…?” Mikey asked shakily.

“Nope. Should I have taken the helmet as a souvenir?” They all gave him a look. He laughed. “Yeah, never wanna see that thing again.”

He stood up, shaking himself off. “Well, mildew smells better than cum I guess.”

They all joined him in standing but were eyeing him worriedly.

“Is.. does this count as the ‘after’ part where we’re free and can apologize now..?” Donnie asked him quietly.

Raph thought for a moment. “I… Yeah, but I’d rather just bask in… not being there right now... If that’s okay.”

Mikey wandered up and grabbed his hand. “Yeah, that’s okay.”

Raph smiled and squeezed his hand.

Leo led them down the tunnel. “Anyone know what to say to mom and April?” He called out.

“I feel like Splinter will have hazarded a guess...” Donnie mumbled. He was walking slow and dragging his feet.

Leo looked back at him and frowned, stopping. “Shit Donnie, you’ve been without your braces for days. Come here now.” He ordered.

Donnie wandered up to Leo and let himself get lifted into his arms, being held like a child against his chest. “Thanks… honestly I think any longer and I was gonna pass out...”

“Jeez how long did you think adrenaline could carry you?”

He shrugged and just let himself be held.

Raph looked down at Mikey. “You wanna be carried like the old days too?”

Mikey laughed and shook his head. “No way, I need to walk, being cooped up was so bad for me.”

Raph nodded knowingly.

“I missed my bed.” Leo whined dramatically. “I missed my soft soft bed and my blankets.”

Mikey sighed just as dramatically. “And real food!”

“Fucking TV... God, I would have watched Splinter’s soaps.” Donnie muttered.

“I miss the tub.” Raph said. “I really want a long hot soak.”

‘You’ll need it when these eggs come out, won't you?’

He whipped his head around suddenly and stopped.

“FUCK OFF!” He yelled at nothing.

He sensed that his brothers had stopped.

He slowly turned around, trying to avoid looking at them. “I… sorry, I thought…. Sorry.”

Mikey just patted his arm.

“Raph’s schizophrenia is back, so that’s good.” Donnie deadpanned.

Leo shook him lightly and glared at him.

“Ugh… I don’t think it’s that.” He mumbled and decided to lead the way now.

Mikey followed closely. “You’ve done that before.” He stated.

Raph sighed. “I do it a lot. I hear a voice in my head, goes away if i hit or shout, sometimes the shouting is too loud.” He had never explained this before, always feeling too ashamed.

But what was there left to be ashamed about with his brothers anymore? They’d seen every inch of him.

Donnie hummed. “If we paired that with the… comatose state, the angry state, the strange… submissive state he went into around the Shredder…” he was mumbling and scratching his chin.

“Feel free to diagnose me Doc, I’m all ears.”

“Dissociative identity disorder. You have the right background of abuse for such a thing.”

Raph frowned and looked down, stopping for a moment.

“Is… is that..?” He placed his palm over his eyes and grumbled. “I don’t know what that is.”

“Multiple personality disorder.” Leo tried. He stepped up beside him and gave his shoulder a pat. “I think it’s.. minor, compared to other stuff I’ve seen but… maybe it’s just cuz you were in a safe place for a while.”

“I… Is that why I don’t remember most of today...?"

Leo sucked in a breath, held it for a moment, and blew it out hard. “You don't remember... Jeez, yeah that makes sense..."

Raph frowned, he wasn’t sure what he'd done. He remembered Leo apologizing, but he didn't know why.

“If you think I’m crazy, it’s fine. I know I’m crazy.”

“It’s okay Raph.” Mikey squeezed his hand.

“Maybe we should try like… phone therapy for real. Or I guess if dads dead, we have less to worry about when it comes to being found.” Leo wondered aloud.

“Do I need therapy for my brain thing?” Raph asked.

“Yes!” They all said in unison.

He frowned and looked down. Mikey tugged him to keep him walking. “You.. kind of scared us all Raph. With the being asleep while awake thing? Then the.. the weird barely present thing..? And then…”

“When I was somebody else today…” He finished.

Leo closed his eyes for a moment and let out a breath. “Yeah. We get why you did it, but it was scary to watch you just.. not be yourself.”

“But… if I’ve really got this…multiple personality thing… wouldn’t it all be me?”

“Technically, yeah. It would just be nice to know what we’re dealing with.” Donnie said.

‘A slut who’s only good for one thing.’

He whipped his head around and held his fists up. “SHUT UP!” He punched the air.

They all watched him again.

“Honestly, my money is still on schizophrenia.” Donnie mumbled.

“Donnie!” Mikey hissed.

Raph sighed and squatted in the water, wrapping his arms around himself.

Mikey stopped and kneeled down beside him, giving him a small smile. “Hey, talk to me, Raphie."

“I… I thought the ghosts would be gone.” He mumbled, staring at the ripples in the dirty water.

Mikey gave Leo and Donnie a look. “The ghosts?” He asked.

“The voices… I thought maybe burning him would stop it…”

“Oh… when you said he was haunting you, you meant it…?” Donnie asked quietly.

Raph shrugged.

“There’s nobody there, Raph. You’re safe with us.” Leo tried.

Raph shakily stood, leaning against Mikey for help. “I… the voices are trying to remind me of the… the babies.”

They all let out a mournful sigh. Reality suddenly hitting back in.

“We still don’t know if you’re…” Leo mumbled.

“I think I am. I think I will be.”

“Sperm can live inside the uterus for… a day or two.” Donnie said sadly. “I think they only made us do it so much for… fun.”

“Yeah, I got that feeling too…” Leo sighed.

“How... does turtle abortion work?” Mikey asked him.

Raph whined softly as hugged his stomach. “I… have to literally kill the eggs. Break them. Before they hatch.”

“You still have to lay them..?” Mikey looked up at him sadly.

“'Fraid so…”

“You don’t have to do it alone.” Donnie said. “We can be with you. Help you.”

“Thought you’d seen enough of my slit for a lifetime...” He mumbled.

Donnie reached his hand out to hold his shoulder and he looked over. “If you need us we’re gonna be there.”

He looked so genuine. Raph eyed Leo, who smiled softly. He then turned to Mikey, who nodded big, tears in his eyes.

“I-I… thanks… I don’t think I’ll wanna do it alone, and there’s.. no way I want to be with mom during that…”

Leo sighed. He gently bumped Raph with his shoulder. “Mom's gonna be a whole… just a mess probably. She’s gonna be real worried about you.”

Raph closed his eyes. “I don’t know how much I want to look at her right now… I don’t feel… worthy..? I-I don’t feel like a person…”

“You’ll feel better in time..” Mikey tried. “We all will…”

“Is it bad that I still only want to be around you idiots even after all that?” Donnie asked.

Raph laughed and wiped his eyes. “No, I feel the same way. I was… God, I was lonely over there...”

“Well, we still need the ride home, so let’s.. just pretend we’re normal for mom. Get home. And then we can all fucking... I don’t know. Cry together.” Leo suggested.

“That sounds good to me.” Mikey mumbled.

They rounded the corner into the tunnel where they’d met April the first time.

And there was their chariot to freedom for the second time ever.

And their heroic knight, April O’Neil, in glowing neon armour. She stared at them so sadly, but gave them a smile anyway.

Raph couldn’t help himself but run up to her and wrap his arms around her tightly, only crying a little bit. He hadn't seen her in what felt like a month, and the sight was making him remember the first time. The safety she brought him the last time he needed it.

“Oh shit, Raph…” she was crying too, nuzzling his head with hers and squeezing him. “It’s okay, you're safe now…” she looked up above him at his brothers, they all probably looked even sadder than the last time they’d been here. She looked questioningly between Raph and them, they just shrugged and she rubbed his back.

He pulled away and wiped his eyes. “I-is my mom here..?” He asked nervously. He wasn't sure he wanted her to be.

She smiled sadly and shook her head. “No, she’s… preparing the house for you guys a little. We can talk about it later. Are you guys hurt?”

“Donnie’s pretty sore.” Leo stepped up and gently lifted him up.

She opened the van and pulled back the seat. “Get him in here, I got the heat running and everything.”

Leo carried him into the car and buckled him up. The act of sitting in April's car was like a magic spell that put him right to sleep. He frowned, not realizing just how exhausted his little brother was.

“Did.. is Shredder still after you?” She asked nervously.

“Shredder’s dead.” Leo said nonchalantly as he got out of the car after buckling Donnie in. “Like. Deader than anyone’s ever been dead.”

She blinked. She looked a little horrified. “You’re sure? You guys have said that before.”

“I bashed his brains out and threw his corpse in the furnace. I watched it turn to ash.” Raph stated it like it was the weather report. “He’s dead.”

Leo winced. That was not the way to be normal.

April clapped her hands on Raph’s shoulders and stared at him seriously. Taking a moment to think of what to say. “I… don’t know how to take that right now. But, I’m glad you’re safe. Do you... want to ride in the front with me?”

Raph looked at Donnie in the back seat, then back at Leo and Mikey. “No… I really want to just stay with my brothers, if that’s… okay…” He felt ashamed. He knew why she was asking, and maybe he shouldn't.

She smiled a little and nodded, letting go of him. “Yeah, of course, whatever you need.”

Raph climbed in and sat beside Donnie. Mikey climbed in after, and then Leo. They all buckled up and April flipped the seat back. She then handed them blankets and water.

“There’s some snacks in the pockets too. I’m not sure how much you guys ate.”

Raph felt himself get wrapped up into a blanket with Donnie and pulled his little brother against him, eyeing the snacks wearily. “I don’t know if I can eat right now…”

‘You’re eating for two. Or maybe 10. Maybe more!’

Raph closed his eyes and twitched his head hard, trying to hold back from yelling. “Sh-shut up…”

Leo and Mikey looked at him with concern.

April eyed him in the mirror.

Raph sighed and looked at her in the mirror as she started driving. “Could... could you play Queen? I’m... feeling nostalgic.”

She gave him a half hearted smile and nodded, and he heard Under Pressure come on the speaker. It soothed him, made him feel less shaky.

Mikey pulled out a granola bar and unwrapped it, holding it out in front of him. “Here, please eat…?”

Raph scrunched up his nose and took a bite.

Flavour. Glorious flavour . He couldn’t help but moan and went in for more.

Mikey laughed a little and helped feed it to him till it was done, chucking the wrapper in the cup holder.

“April… you said mom wasn’t coming cuz she’s doing something at the lair… what is it?” Leo asked her. They all sensed something weird.

April tapped her fingers on the steering wheel. “Yeah. She’s.. look, let’s just be candid. She knows what happened okay. We both knew what you guys were running from last time, even if you didn’t.”

“I did.” Raph interrupted. Mikey was holding his water for him now.

April eyed him strangely in the mirror. “I… Well, I’m sorry, I really wish you told us you did. We would have done this earlier.”

“Done what?” Leo asked.

“Finding you guys a therapist. One that's discreet, does home visits and… can help with child sexual abuse.”

Leo snorted. “Oh fucking finally! That's all I’ve been talking about! Jesus, where was this earlier?!”

Raph nuzzled himself into his blankets, pulling Donnie and Mikey close to him.

“We didn’t know if you guys knew anything, and it really seemed like you didn’t. Why open the wound. Your mom thought it wasn't safe, and that made sense.”

Leo laughed loudly, smacking his head against the glass. “God! I’m sorry April this isn’t your fault but GOD! Mom never fucking paid attention, did she?!”

April frowned at him in the mirror. “What?”

“Raph was being sexually abused for our whole childhood! And it’s been obvious the entire time! And NOW mom notices he needs some fucking help?!”

“Leo, it’s okay…” Raph tried.

“No! It’s not! April, was this her idea or YOURS?!”

She rubbed the back of her neck and stared at the sewer tunnel road. “It… was mine. Yeah.”

Leo stared at Raph and raised his arms. “See?! Do you fucking see?!”

Raph closed his eyes. He just wanted to be at home in his bed cuddled up with his brothers. Why was Leo fighting?

“I… she didn’t know.” April tried.

Leo scoffed sarcastically and made a face. “Oh no! She fucking knew! She always says she watched us for months in the tower before she told Raph! Do you really think she never saw dad rape him?!”

“Leo!” Raph pleaded.

“But but NOW she’s worried about our mental health?! Cuz she couldn’t ignore that Shredder turned us all into BREEDING ANIMALS?! A bit late!”

April took in a breath, tapped the steering wheel and stared at them seriously. “You’re right. I’m sorry. That’s really fucking unfair. You needed help earlier and we failed you.”

"You didn’t fail shit April, Mom just didn’t tell you her own shortcomings as a parent. She was too scared about her own fucking mutation to take a second look at us! To remember to come the fuck back and save us!”

Mikey was staring at him but hugging Raph tight. Unlike Raph, he had nothing to protest. Unlike Leo, he simply never found Splinter to be that good of a mom in the first place.

“You’re right Leo.” April said. “I’m not gonna sugar coat it, you’re right. I didn’t know how much you knew. I didn’t know that much about what she knew. I’m sorry.”

“April, why are you a better parent to us than either of our real ones?” He asked.

She sighed. “Leo. I’m glad you’re getting it out, man, really I am. You can totally dish it all out at me, I fucking get it. But your mom does have a therapist at home. And I just think this is all energy better spent giving it there, I think it will be good for you. Good for you all. Probably good for her too, to hear it.”

Raph squeezed his eyes shut tight. “Does… does mom have to be there..? I… I don’t want to talk about it in front of her…”

“Oh, Raphie no, no they’ll talk to you however you’re most comfortable.”

“How’d you even find a therapist willing to talk to mutants without ratting us out?” Mikey asked suddenly.

April gave him a small wink in the mirror. “Connections. Cryptid connections.”

He nodded a little, appreciating her playful attitude.

“So… like a kooky therapist who thinks the moon landing was faked?” Leo asked sarcastically.

“Watch it.” She pointed at him in the mirror. “Do you think you’re the only creatures in existence? There’s medical groups out there. People are aware of what Foot Tech has been up to. The GOVERNMENT knows what they’re up to.”

“Mmm normally I'd give you shit, but Stockman said he was gonna sell our babies to the US government…” Donnie suddenly stirred.

She looked back at them wide eyed. “God… guys I’m fucking sorry…”

“Ugh! We totally forgot to kill Baxter!” Mikey whined.

“Hey, maybe that’s a good thing buddy. Someone needs to have a paper trail. You know that guy does. We should track him down to find it.” She tried.

Mikey sighed and leaned into Raph. “Yeah… but he really deserves it.”

“This therapist’s not… a FED or anything right?” Raph asked quietly.

She looked back at him sadly. “No, she’s an honest to god therapist. I trust her. Do you trust me?”

“With my life.” Raph admitted. She smiled softly at that.

“Then I promise you you’re safe with her.”

Raph sighed and nodded, leaning his head back in his seat. “April..?”

“Yeah buddy?”

“Is… is this too much for you? You literally… don’t have to be here doing all this for us…”

“Hey. You’re my family. You know that. I would go to the ends of the earth for you. And I know you don’t see me like this all the time, but I am a grown up. And you guys need… stable grown ups in your life.”

Leo snorted. “That was a joke about mom, I heard it, don’t deny it.”

Mikey slapped him gently. “You got it out, save it for the therapist.” He warned.

April laughed a little at the interaction. “It’s okay Mike, he’s right.”

"HAH! ” Leo slapped him back.

Raph just leaned into Donnie, closing his eyes and resting his head against his shoulder, and let himself fall asleep.

It was a long drive back to the Bronx.

Leo and Mikey watched Raph fall asleep and breathed out a sigh of relief.

Leo leaned over to the front to speak quietly so as to not wake him. “April. What does mom know?”

“Didn’t we just talk about this?”

“No I mean… does she know Raph’s…. Definitely pregnant..?”

April sucked in a breath and held it. “I… would say no. But… that is what her deepest fear is.”

“Oh what a coincidence, it’s his too…” he slumped back in his seat and folded his arms.

Mikey frowned and squeezed Raph’s hand. “Do you know much about his.. kind of pregnancy?” He asked Leo.

“I’ve never seen his eggs…”

“I have.” Donnie stirred again, looking over at them weakly. “He can lay between 3 and 10…. But that’s so far. Stockman said they were giving him fertilization drugs, even though we never saw… oh.” He slapped his forehead.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“The paste. The tasteless food. They literally said it was nutrients. That was part of the drugging. They probably put the medicine in that. And he was there for weeks before we got there.”

“Ugh.. gross in all the ways..” Mikey shook his head.

“Guys…” April rubbed her eyes, trying to keep her head on straight as she drove. “What are we saying right now?”

“Raph’s pregnant and we don’t know what to do… he said he’d have to lay the eggs no matter what, and he doesn’t want mom to know…” Leo mumbled, staring out the window.

She sucked air through her teeth and nodded a little. “I… she’s probably gonna know right? Like even if you don’t tell her?”

“Please don’t tell her…” Mikey asked quietly.

“Buddy I won't, I just… one? She has a good nose. Two? She knows that’s what your dad… I’m sorry. I’m really not the therapist.”

“It’s okay.” Donnie sighed and nuzzles against Raph. “I.. just think none of us can really face her right now… good parent bad parent or not… therapist sounds good…”

“I’ll tell you that she’s mentally prepared herself enough to either be in the room or just leave okay? No judgments here.”

“Thanks, that genuinely eases my nerves…” Donne sighed.

“You guys look really tired, if I’m honest. You can keep chatting to me if you need, but we still have an hour before we’re home.”

Leo nodded and tugged his blanket over Mikey. “Yeah... yeah you’re right. This car is still way more comfortable than the ground…”

Mikey nodded and leaned into him. “I just want my bed…”

“April, can you show me how to put in a shower in the bathroom? We’re all... ugh. I just think a shower suits everyone better.” Donnie mumbled.

She smiled at him in the mirror. “Yeah man, of course that shouldn’t be hard.  I could even do it myself.”

“No, I wanna do it. I wanna learn.”

She smiled again. “You got it.”

He fell back against Raph and drifted off.

And she just watched them worriedly, not letting herself break for a second.

Chapter Text

April offered to carry Donnie into the lair. He didn’t say no, and Raph and Leo felt too physically and mentally exhausted to insist on doing it themselves anymore.

They spent the walk telling April what they thought they wanted. To immediately talk to this therapist and not speak to their mom, and to just be alone together.

She was surprised they wanted to do it together, but she wasn’t the expert on this.

When they got to the door, she opened it with ease and saw Splinter standing anxiously in the living room. The room had been set up with more comfy chairs than they had before, with soft music playing, and everything had a very calming energy.

There was a strange looking white haired woman sitting on the couch, wearing a purple skirt suit with fluffy collar and wide cat's eye glasses. She gave them a once over.

She seemed unsurprised by their mutant appearances.

“April! Oh my god boys!” Splinter cried out, looking like she wanted to rush over.

April gave her a look and held up her hand in a ‘stop’ motion.

“Donnie? Can I put you down now?” She asked softly.

He nodded and she placed him on the sofa.

Mikey was clinging to Raph’s hand, and Leo was standing in front of him protectively, between him and their mom.

April turned to Splinter.

“We’re gonna take a walk, Shen.” She said it very seriously.

Splinter eyed her carefully, hearing the lack of nickname, and decided to wait by the door, looking over her children from a distance. She looked miserable, but this wasn't about her.

April turned to the woman on the sofa, who stood up and brushed off her skirt and then smiled at them. “Kids, this is Big Mama. She’s here to listen.”

Raph wandered up slowly and gripped April's arm gently, staring at the woman.

She was quite tall, taller than April, which said a lot. Her skin seemed an off colour from the usual human tone. Purplish. And there was a strange yellow glow about her eyes.

“Are.. are you human?” He asked quietly.

“Oh, that’s a fair question. No, but we do like to keep that hush hush. I imagine you only notice because you have a sense for that kind of thing.”

Leo wandered up behind Raph and gently grabbed his arm.

April looked between Leo and Raph. “Do you guys need me to stay for a second? Or do you think you’re okay to start?”

Leo and Raph looked at each other, then their brothers.

“I.. think we’re okay.. thanks April.” Leo gave her a nod.

She nodded back and looked at the therapist.

“We’ll stay out until you call me.” She said.

Big Mama smiled and nodded.

“Perfect, they’re in good hands I assure you.”

April gave them a final once over before leading Splinter out.

“I’m sure this is a lot. But today I'm just here to listen.” The woman said. “And I know I have a very silly sounding name. If you like, sometimes patients come up with a nickname for me.”

“It’s okay...” Raph mumbled, shifting on his feet.

“Do you boys need anything before we settle in? We can do this here, or your room, wherever you feel most safe.”

“I… can someone get me my braces? I don’t want to get up...” Donnie complained from the couch.

Leo quickly walked into the bedroom and came back with his knee and elbow braces, helping him put them on.

Raph wandered over to the sofa and decided to sit down beside him. He anxiously twiddled his thumbs. Mikey decided to climb in his lap, so he hugged him around his stomach. When Leo was finished with Donnie’s braces he sat on Raph’s other side.

They all took a moment to embrace their soft soft warn out couch.

Mama picked up a tray of tea from the table and held it out.

“Your mother made these, they’re a little cold now.”

They all reached out and took a cup. Raph sipped slowly, Donnie didn’t drink his and just tapped his fingers on the cup anxiously, Mikey slurped his thoughtfully, and Leo chugged his and slammed the cup back down.

“Look. I feel like Raph should go first cuz I don’t want to speak for him but I have a lot to say.”

Raph winced and looked up at him.

“No… no, I don't know what to say, so you go…”

Mama pulled up the arm chair and sat in front of them.

“Go ahead.”

Leo took a deep breath.

“Okay. So Raph was being raped by our dad for years, and I don’t think our mom even told you that. She thinks we don’t know what Dad had planned for us and supposedly April wanted to get us this kind of help four years ago but mom thought ‘no, they're better off in the dark!’ And Raph knew the whole time! Dad was gonna make us rape him when he was 13! He made these horrible cells and had his evil fucking lackey watch us….” He was word vomiting, stumbling over his words. “I mean. God. How do you even come back from that. Raph knew all about it and didn’t tell us!”

“I-I didn’t know… everything…” Raph interrupted.

Mama tilted her head and gave him a soft smile.

“What did you know, Raph?”

He looked at her nervously, then his brothers, he adjusted Mikey's weight in his lap.

“I… I got told I was having a test done… they strapped me down and.. and the doctor put stuff in me, he was looking me over and dad had to hold me down to stop me moving… they told me… well they weren’t really talking to me, just about me. I…I was never a person. They talked about my body, how ready it was… dad wanted to do it himself, but Stockman said it wouldn’t take, that we.. we needed the same species. And.. and I asked what that meant.”

Mikey started hugging him, he wasn’t sure why. He took a deep breath.

“I don’t think he cared what I knew, I think he had a sick sense of pleasure in telling me… telling me I ruined everyone. That I’m the reason Donnie’s in pain, that Mikey never got bigger, that Leo…” he chanced a look at his brother, who was staring at him sadly. “That Leo wasn’t good enough cuz I did everything for him… he knew I was… mothering them somehow. I didn’t think I ever was. But he was probably really talking to mom through me. He… he always needed a woman to complain about, I was the closest thing.”

Mama held out a tissue box and smiled sadly, nodding a little.

Oh.

He took a tissue and wiped his eyes, blowing his nose.

“But I was… I never fought him, you know? He kind of.. he knew I would lie down and take everything he threw at me. So he stupidly told me about what he was planning. He… the last thing he said to me was that Leo and I would make him a satisfying son… It hurt me so bad… but I put it all away, and I got us out. Mom told me where to go a few days before that, so I got us out before that could happen.”

“That’s so brave. I know your brothers appreciate that.”

Donnie wiped his nose and gripped Raph’s arm.

“Y-you carried me 30 flights…”

Raph laughed through his tears, blowing his nose again.

“It was only 24…”

“It’s close enough!” Donnie cried.

“You never let us know what was going on…” Leo said softly.

“I-I’m sorry..” he felt guilty again.

“No, I mean… you didn’t let us worry about it. You did all the worrying for us. You protected our brains even though you were…”

“Traumatized.” Mama said.

They all looked at her. She smiled softly.

“You did such a kind thing for them. And then you never talked about it to anyone? Not even your mother?”

Raph shook his head and wiped his eyes.

“I… was trying really hard to be happy like they were… mom had been really… lonely and sad for so long without us… she… she told me lots of stuff about dad. Maybe more stuff than I should have thought about at the time.”

She just stared at him sympathetically.

“I forgot all about the worst stuff… about dad sneaking in to my room, dad raping me for lashing out… waking up to him at my bedside… I really forgot until recently.”

“Our brains do a lot to protect us.”

“Raph's brain does sooo much to protect him.” Mikey said.

“I hear voices... Donnie says I’m schizophrenic, Leo says I have multiple personalities. I think I’m just haunted.”

“What do the voices say?”

He shrugged. “Just… mostly whatever hurts me most at the time… I didn’t want to eat earlier, the voices told me I was eating for 2.”

Mama didn’t flinch at hearing that.

Leo stared at her hard.

“Raph’s pregnant.” He said suddenly.

“I’m sorry.” She said it so kindly, her face did nothing to react to that information. “You’re far too young to be worried about that. That must be scary.”

Raph shrugged. “We.. we don’t know for sure, I haven’t really… thought about it. It’s all just eggs. I lay them every few months and it hurts my brain to throw them away but I do it anyway. I’m a boy who lays eggs and that hurts my brain too.”

“Ugh, that must be so confusing.” She leaned back, clasping her fingers together. “I can’t imagine how shitty that must feel.”

Raph laughed and nodded. “That’s what I always say! It’s shitty!”

“Is… is it bad that I feel like if Raph has an egg I want it..?” Donnie says out of nowhere.

They all looked at him.

She frowned and leaned forward.

“What do you mean?”

“I… I help him throw them out a lot. And it’s gross. But I.. I feel like if he has one now it could be mine, and.. and I think my body wants me to take care of it.” He’s still holding his full cup, tapping his fingers on it.

“I don’t think that’s bad, Donatello. I think that sounds natural. But I also think you know you’re far too young for children, let alone your brother's children. So that's not really something you want.”

Donnie sniffed and wiped his eyes.

“We’re… we had to do horrible things to each other, and now we’re sitting here cuddled up like we’ve never been closer… are we bad?” He asked nervously.

She shook her head and reached over to clasp his hand gently.

“You are not bad. You boys went through something horribly traumatic, and you stuck through it together. It makes perfect sense you would want to stay together. Your brains can’t quite process that you’re in a safe place yet, so you feel the need to stick together.”

“We had to rape each other…” Leo says softly.

She looked up at him.

“You weren’t really raping each other, you were all being violated by your father, he was using your bodies to violate each other.”

“I-I think I raped Leo…” Raph said quietly. “I… No ones telling me, b-but I woke up on top of him earlier…”

Leo closed his eyes and pressed his palm over them. Trying to stay quiet.

“There was drugs involved.” Donnie explained. “Some kind of turtle pheromones, aphrodisiacs, and hallucinogenic drugs were being pumped into us, mostly into Raph.”

“Y-yeah… he would take.. hit after hit…” Mikey cried into his shoulder.

She nodded and stared between them sadly.

“That’s so horrible. I can’t imagine how that would have felt.”

“Good…” Raph said softly. He was staring into space behind her.

She tilted her head.

“It… it made it feel good… and then it went away and felt shitty…”

Mikey whined and shifted himself in Raph’s lap to stare at her seriously.

“I-I tried to fight it, and did it so good that they turned it up and I stopped being a person.” He looked up at her with those big sad eyes of his.

“What do you mean by that?”

Mikey looked down, gripping his knees with his hands.

“I… Me and Raph are different. He always… felt like my mom? Which is… stupid. But for some reason we can kind of help each other snap out of stuff like this.” He made a sad sounding chirp and Raph instinctively grabbed him and held him tight, nuzzling against his head with a churr.

She blinked and nodded.

“I see. That makes sense, that’s very sweet that you two are close like that.”

“But cuz.. cuz we’re so close, I could fight better… so when they turned it up I.. I felt like I was just a turtle and I couldn’t see him or hear him.. and I know what I did, but I couldn’t know at the time… I-I just knew moving in a way felt good, and… and now I feel horrible!” Mikey was shaking and crying, so Raph hugged him tighter, his own eyes watering. “C-cuz Raph’s my momma and I don’t want it to be ruined!”

She smiled softly.

“Raphael, do you feel like your relationship with Mikey is ruined?”

“N-no! Mikey you’re still my baby!” He whined and Mikey chirped.

“So I don’t think it’s ruined, Mikey. I think you both still love each other just as much.”

Mikey chirped happily, but his eyes were teary. Mama handed him a tissue and Raph helped him wipe his eyes.

She looked at Leo, who’d been quiet for a while.

“You said you had a lot to say.”

“Didn’t I say it all?” He shifted and looked at the ground

“You talked about before, and you talked about Raph’s trauma for him. What about you, Leo?”

He frowned and leaned forward, hunching his body over to rest his arms in his knees.

“I… We woke up in boxes, you know..? And it was so scary, and Raph was screaming and he almost broke his shoulder trying to get out, and then he broke his brain… A-and then I…”

He closed his eyes, thinking about being dragged into his cage the first time and Donnie screaming at him not to breathe.

“What’s the point of giving specifics? You know what happened. We all fucked Raph over and over again and it’s fine cuz we’re out and we all got out and saved him and he saved us and it’s fine now. We’re out. What else is there for me to say?”

“Leo, I think you’re a smart kid. I think you know why Raph grew up the way he did and that’s why you’re shifting the conversation to him. A big problem is that he never talked about it, never coped with it. I think you seem very aware of that, so we should make sure you do talk.”

He wrapped his arms around his stomach and sighed.

“It… it wasn’t that bad, you know? It was horrifyingly disgusting and scary, but all in all physically it was just… it didn’t hurt. We’ve all been hit before, this wasn’t painful.”

“But it was violating.” She added. “You had every part of your autonomy ripped away. You couldn’t do anything to stop it.”

Leo’s brow furrowed. “Maybe I think I could have done more to stop it, I don’t know…”

Raph leaned his head on Leo’s arm.

“I… I didn’t say this, but you were probably everyone’s rock in there…”

Leo blinked and rubbed his eyes.

“Me? I thought I fucked everything up?”

Raph sighed and closed his eyes.

“You kept everyone calm. You had a plan. You made us not lose our minds.”

“You’re the one who stole the screwdriver.” He mumbled.

“Which I felt okay enough to do because you were keeping us all as awake and on task as possible. I think we’re only as okay as we are because you were talking us through everything.”

Leo sniffed and grabbed a tissue.

“Y-you told me I should have left you to be raped by dad to escape…”

“I still think it would have been better, but we’re out. So obviously your plan worked. And I wasn’t raped by dad, I probably would have been way worse if I was. I… I know this sounds shitty, but when you took his place I was really grateful… you sat there raping me, but you were soothing me, told me we were gonna get out and kill him, and I was.. I needed it. It helped Leo.”

Leo sobbed and wrapped his arms around Raph, holding him tight.

“I-Im sorry one of my best pep talks ever was me doing that!”

Raph laughed through his tears.

“A-are you kidding?! That’s the sign of the actual best pep talk! I’m gonna remember that for years! A-and that’s fine by me!”

“Ugh you idiot! You want to remember me raping you forever?!” He groaned, tears falling from his eyes.

“Yeah!” Raph laughed and opened his eyes, he was smiling genuinely at Leo who looked at him embarrassed. “Cuz it makes me think that no matter how horrible anything ever gets between us that you’ve actually got me. And.. and Leo, I need that.”

Leo eyed their therapist.

“Is that healthy?”

She laughed and held up her own tea cup to her face, leaning back in the chair comfortably.

“It honestly is. Think about how much repression hurts your head. He’s got a healthy outlook on that particular event, and he’s open about talking about it with you. That’s genuinely one of the healthiest ways to look at it.”

Leo breathed out a hard sigh and gently rubbed Raph’s head.

“Okay. You’re welcome for giving you a fucking great rape pep talk.”

Raph laughed and leaned into the affection.

“Shredder threatened to kill me at one point, you did something similar for me Raph…” Donnie said beside him.

Raph's eyes got very sad suddenly, he looked dead ahead.

“How did Raph help you, Donnie?” Mama asked.

“Um… Dad said… well, I have a lot of issues, and he always kind of.. threatened to get rid of me if I ever bothered him, cuz I was expendable. So he said if I wasn’t good at... Ugh he was watching out ‘tactics’ at mating. He thought that mattered, some fucking toxic masculinity bullshit. He wanted me to do a good job dominating, but my legs wouldn’t work and I was scared.”

“We were scared for you… I know I was.” Mikey added and squished himself between Raph and Donnie to hold his twin’s shoulder.

Donnie leaned into the hold. He’d missed his twins pestering affection over the last few days. He'd been unable to really see him aside from when he was in Raph's cage. It was only now he realized how much he missed this.

“Raph kind of… you made it easier. I know you hated it, I think now in my waking mind I see it now, but you kind of coaxed me into doing a good show, and you used your own body in a painful way to make it so it wouldn’t hurt so bad. And I know those noises were fake, and they helped. And I’m not dead because you did that.”

“I… I really felt bad, Don. Leo knows. I grabbed him after cuz I needed to tell him how bad I felt. Which… is another reason he was my rock, but I mean.. God I really felt like I raped you. I was.. I was trying to sound.. ugh, appealing? It hurt me to do. I hope I didn’t… traumatize you too bad.” Raph sighed, he was looking at the ground sadly.

Donnie reached around Mikey to pat Raph’s shell.

“You made it easier. I’m less traumatized than I would be if I was dead. I’m grateful to your kindness and the fact you put my safety above your own feelings. I will probably, too, remember that forever.”

Raph sniffed and wrapped both his baby brothers up in a bear hug, pulling one on each of his knees to cry over their shoulders.

“I-I’m sorry… I-I wish I protected you both better…”

“You protected us fine…” Mikey whined and nuzzled into his neck.

“You literally saved my life, you big idiot…” Donnie grumbled and gripped his back with one arm.

Raph whined and let go, letting them resettle themselves into sitting against him. He was still crying, so Mikey helped him dry his tears.

“I.. I do have one thing to bring up..” Leo said softly.

“Go ahead Leo.”

Raph sensed he knew where this would go.

“The… the last time, when we had to get out? I fucked something up. Raph and Donnie had to.. hide getting a screwdriver between them while they fucked, and I thought I had to make sure… I did too much. I egged on Stockman so he wouldn’t see, but he locked me in with Raph and left as punishment, he told me he was gonna leave us there all night…”

“But I had the screwdriver, it didn’t matter.” Donnie tried.

“Let him finish his thought, okay?” Mama coaxed.

Leo took a deep breath. “And Raph was really angry… I think he just let it all out at me, but he started…” He winced. “Sexually hurting me, and saying a bunch of things I think he really wanted to say to dad…”

Raph was sitting still, staring past the therapist. Mikey and Donnie noticed his posture and tried to gently stroke his arms to bring him back into his head.

“And… and I don’t know if it was him, or something in his brain, but it did hurt. But I don’t blame him, I could never blame him… I just…” He breathed shakily. He realized he was crying and took a tissue from Mama, blowing his nose. “I need to talk about it. Or else I’m gonna resent him, right?”

She nodded. “That’s right. What would you like to say about it?”

He paused and looked at Raph for a moment. Raph wouldn’t look back.

“That… I don’t think it was fair, but I don’t blame you. I forgive you. I don’t… even know if it was you. I just don’t want it to hurt our brains later…”

“You seem good at rationalizing your feelings Leo. Are you letting yourself actually feel them?”

Leo stared at her. She wasn’t being malicious, he knew that. But it still stung him.

“I… I thought I was, isn’t that what I’ve been doing?”

“You’ve been talking a lot about your brothers. And about your parents. You’ve said a lot of the REASONS you’re all fucked up, but I haven’t heard you talk about how you really feel. So why don’t you tell me.”

“I…” he glanced at his brothers. They all watched him with sad eyes. He realized they seemed aware of this too.

“I guess.. I’m angry. I’ve been really fucking angry. I’m angry at Dad, I’ve always been angry at him. He hurt me so much when I was a kid, he locked me out, he hit me, he threw me around… but it got worse when he made me take over for Raph.” He clenched his fists. “And I'm even more angry now, knowing why he did that, what he was doing at the time. He did that to me, he was raping Raph, AND planning to force us to fuck?!” Leo gripped the tails of his mask, similar to how Raph always would.

“And! April says Mom knew this! She knew about it and never told us! And Raph knew and he couldn’t handle it! And we’ve both been fucking bullying each other for years! For fucking years! Because nobody ever looked at us before and said ‘Oh hey, maybe these kids need some help cuz they’re emotionally FLOUNDERING’!” He shot up, no longer caring how crazy he sounded. He pointed angrily at Mama.

“And you’re only here now because mom was too selfish to give a shit about us before! But this was just bad enough she couldn't ignore it!"

“Leo, that's not fair…” Raph tried, he was crying quietly.

“NO!” Leo snapped his head to glare at Raph. “YOU DON'T DEFEND HER ANYMORE! Look at you! Look at me! Look at them!” He gestured to their brothers in his lap. “Mom! Knew! She FUCKING knew! And she was too busy being miserable about her own fucking life to notice that it hurt you!”

He grabbed a pillow off the couch and angrily threw it as hard as he could across the room.

“And now! Because she didn’t fucking help us?! The bad thing you were avoiding telling us about ACTUALLY HAPPENED!”

He was trembling as he stood there, crying like an idiot but still felt full of rage.

“I’m mad! I’m angry! I’m feeling it! Is this what you wanted?!” He was glaring at the therapist.

“Honestly? Yes.” She held up the tissue box but he didn’t take one. “You seem high strung. You seem like you’re juggling everyone else’s feelings.”

“No! Raph does that! I’m the normal one! I’m the one who tells him he’s stupid for worrying about that shit!”

“Maybe you used to be, but maybe now you’re trying to be what he was. Maybe he’s the only role model you had. And I don’t think either of you want your brain to hurt as bad as his, am I right?”

He looked at Raph, who was staring blankly at the wall behind Mama. Donnie and Mikey were holding him and trying to coax him out of his mental state. Leo instantly felt guilty, knowing the shouting probably startled him.

“Ugh..” Leo took a tissue finally and sat back down. “I scared him. I probably reminded him of Dad with the yelling.”

Mikey nuzzled into Raph’s neck and chirped softly.

Raph blinked and looked down at him, he frowned deeply, realizing he’d just disappeared.

“Is this thing he has diagnosable?” Donnie asked her.

“Definitely, but I’d need a few sessions of one on one time with him.

“N-no!” Raph said quickly as he squeezed Mikey and Donnie close. “P-please don’t take me away from my brothers…”

She gave him a gentle smile and placed her hand on his knee.

“It wouldn’t be today. We’d set this up another time. You’ve been through enough today.”

Leo frowned and draped his arms over Raph’s shell, holding him close.

“Dr Mama..? Are we… fixable?” Mikey asked quietly.

She smiled sadly at him.

“You are treatable. But treatments come in many forms, this was a big one. Talking it out with each other and a stranger, that’s a very good sign. Do any of you feel better?”

“Y-yeah…” Mikey said, hugging Raph closer, clasping Donnie’s hand.

“Definitely lighter in my head…” Donnie mumbled, resting his head on Raph’s shoulder.

“I'm not sure yet…” Raph sighed and held them both close. “I guess I feel okay that we can talk about it… I was really scared this would make it so we never talked again…”

Leo rested his head on Raph’s.

“I’m always here for you. All of you, no matter what. I.. I do actually feel better..”

“Then this was a very good first session!” She clasped her hands together and smiled. “You all did really well. I’m proud of you. I think you’re still a little vulnerable, and therapy will always drain you like this, so as your Doctor I recommend taking it easy. And I’m going to talk to your mother and Ms O’Neil about what they can do to help.”

Raph looked up at her, a little panicked suddenly.

“How.. how much do you have to tell them?”

She gave him a sympathetic look.

“Nothing you told me leaves my mouth, I promise. All I’ll suggest to them are things to help, things to avoid, and things to do. You let the adults worry about you for a change.”

Leo snorted a little. “Lady, I’ve been telling him that for years, if you get it through to him then you’ve really given us a miracle.”

Raph couldn’t help but laugh and shove him off.

“Is there anything else you want to say today? I think we’ll have another one of these in two days, I’ll let you all rest up and recuperate.”

No one said anything.

“Okay. So your homework is to just be gentle with yourselves and each other. If you find you need to keep spending time together, that's okay, if you need some alone time that's fine too. Anything that keeps you comfortable. If you have any big feelings, try to write them down so we don’t forget, and we can talk about it next time. Okay?”

They all nodded.

“Amazing work today boys.” She took her phone out to text April.

“I'm going to have an adult conversation with your mother when she comes back. We’ll do it privately, but I promise nothing you told me gets told to her.”

“E-even me being… pregnant…?” Raph asked softly.

She stared at him sadly.

“Even that. That’s your business, Raphael.”

He breathed out a sigh of relief and leaned against Leo.

Chapter Text

Big Mama called April, and the four of them were left alone in the living room when she and their mother came back.

The three adults had decided to use Splinter's room as a place to talk, and they’d turned on the television to drown out anything they heard.

Donnie had been gifted a shower head by April, and he was searching the kitchen cabinet for a toolbox. “This will be so easy, I don’t even need her help with this.” He said as he pulled it out.

“You’re really caught up on this whole shower thing aren’t you?” Leo said dryly. He was holding Mikey and Raph against his plastron on the sofa as the three of them tried to watch cartoons, but everyone’s minds were a bit elsewhere.

“Yeah! We STINK! And I’m tired of sitting in my own FILTH thank you very much!”

He wandered into the bathroom and Raph watched him closely. He didn’t close the door, he could see him turn the water off on the tub and start breaking out the wrenches.

“One track mind Donnie, he had the thought of a shower and he’s not gonna stop till he gets one.” Leo chuckled softly and rubbed Raph’s head.

Raph just kept watching him, making sure he was never out of sight.

“He’s right though, a shower will feel way better than a bath.” Mikey tapped Raph’s arm. “Right, Raph?”

“I guess so.”

He didn’t mind his bath. His bath was where it felt safe and warm enough to lay his eggs.

His eggs…

“Donnie!” He yelled out.

“Huh?” Donnie paused his impromptu construction to look back at him.

“We can still use it as a bath when you’re done right? I need it to still be bath-able…”

Donnie laughed a little and nodded. “Not a word. But yes, it’s still a tub. I’m just doing an addition.” He went back to his work.

“Okay…”

He sensed Leo’s eyes on him but didn’t look up, deciding to pay attention to the cartoons on TV. He hadn’t even noticed what it was.

‘An egg related question?’

Raph closed his eyes.

“Don’t ask me that right now.”

“Huh?” Leo asked louder.

Raph opened his eyes and glared at him. “I said don’t ask me that right now.”

“Ask you what?” Leo looked genuinely confused. Mikey was staring up at them now.

Raph had a horrifying realization that the voice wasn’t actually Leo’s.

Leo seemed to recognize something in his face. “Oh… you heard a voice again, didn’t you..?”

“I.. I thought it was you…”

Mikey leaned over and pulled a notebook off the coffee table, writing in it.

“What are you doing?” Raph asked him.

“Dr Mama said to write down the big stuff for next time. I figured that was worth mentioning.”

Raph wanted to argue, but he couldn’t.

So far he felt like Donnie was the right one about whatever was wrong. But that still wouldn’t explain his lapse in memory from today.

“I really need to keep my mouth shut unless I can see someone talking to me…” he mumbled.

“It’s okay Raph.” Mikey leaned into his eyeline as he said it for emphasis. “We get it.”

Raph looked at him and nodded slowly.

“Done!” Donnie burst in from the bathroom, holding the toolbox out and dropping it like a mic drop.

They all winced as it clattered, Donnie included.

“Oh. That was fucking stupid my bad...” He picked it up and grumbled as he had to put tools back inside.

Leo laughed and got up to help him. “That was fast, Don. You’re becoming a real handyman.”

Donnie beamed and stuck up his thumb. “If I need something nothings gonna get in my way.”

Leo laughed and ruffled his head. “Who wants to call first shower then?” He asked his brothers.

They all stared at each other, there was an air of shame hanging over them.

“I… kind of don’t want to be alone…” Raph admitted.

Mikey stood up and smiled at that revelation. “Group shower! Need extra hands to get the brains off.”

“Is that… too much?” Donnie asked as Leo took the toolbox from him to put it on a shelf. “Should we not…”

“Remember what the doctor said. Whatever keeps us comfortable.” He said it as matter of factly as he could and went to the linen cupboard to pull out towels. “And I think it would make us all comfortable to be able to keep an eye on each other.”

Raph stood up and marched into the bathroom, clapping Donnie on the shoulder. “Please. Let’s just fucking wash this all away together. I really need it.”

Donnie eyed him carefully and nodded. “Okay.”

Raph stepped up to the bath and looked at the handle. Same as before they just had a second spout leading to the shower head on it now.

“Do you approve?” Donnie walked up beside him.

“Yeah, it’s great D.”

“I didn’t even turn it on yet.” He rolled his eyes and turned on the shower head.

Mikey entered and jumped on Raph’s back to look. “Cool!” He slid back down. “She got one with a bunch of options huh?”

Leo closed the door behind him and put the towels he was holding on hooks. “Impressive.” Leo clapped Donnie on the back gently.

“Yes yes, marvel at me, but please let’s just hop in cuz we fucking stink like blood bile and musty rain water.”

“And cum.” Raph added like it was a normal word as he climbed over the tub and stood under the faucet.

He felt them all look at him but he didn’t turn to look back. He let the hot water run over his face, shoulders, and plastron. It was soothing to just feel pelted.

Leo stood in front of him and Donnie and Mikey behind. Leo took it upon himself to grab the handle and mess with the settings, finding the most pressure-filled one and aiming it at Raph’s head.

“Oh yeah, that’s the stuff…” he held his arms out and Leo laughed, spraying him down from top to bottom. He looked down and saw red and black and brown gunk contrast with their shades of green feet and dilute into the clear water and find its way down the drain.

“Yeah, Don, you were right, I wouldn’t wanna just bathe in this shit.” He turned his body to let Leo get his shell. It felt so good.

“I’m always right, why are you surprised?” Donnie pouted up at him, waiting for his turn.

“Okay, swap out.” Leo said, and Raph shuffled around Donnie to let him have a turn with his hard work.

Mikey smiled softly up at him. “You look way better.”

Raph snorted and patted his head. “Oh yeah? The blood and guts weren’t a good look on me?”

“Mmmn, Dad’s brains were, but the rest not so much.”

Raph laughed and wrapped his arms around him to noogie him.

“Shower safety! You’ll slip!” Donnie warned from behind Raph, having his shell done now.

Raph looked back at him and rolled his eyes playfully as he let go of Mikey. “Oh nooo I might SLIP? Did you hear that Mikey? That would be the most horrible thing that happened today!”

Mikey giggled a little and playfully slapped Raph’s shell. “Cmon Raphie he’s just trying to keep you safe.”

“Actually I’m just trying to keep MIKEY safe, you can trip and fall if you like.”

Leo rolled his eyes. “Mikey?”

“Yessss.” They shuffled around and Mikey got pelted by the faucet, Leo’s height was giving an advantage.

Donnie stepped out for a moment to grab a soap bottle and washcloths, tossing one at Raph. “Scrub. You’re still stinky.” He hopped back in behind him and squirted soap in his cloth.

Raph stared at it for a moment. The texture of the white goo was making him queasy. Maybe because he was in a small room with his brothers again. Reminding him of everything he still had inside of him.

‘How much cum is inside you right now? Father was so impressed with it when he looked.’

“NO!”

He dropped the cloth and stumbled backwards into Mikey, losing his grip and slipping, falling on his shell with a loud bang.

“Raph?!” Heard his brothers all shout.

He was getting wet again which was fine, saw shadows moving beyond his eyelids, someone helped him sit upright, someone else was letting him lean his shell on them.

“Raph! You’re okay! Are you okay?!” Mikey was shaking his shoulders.

He felt his breathing get fast and he opened his eyes, they were all squatting down staring at him.

“I-I just.. slipped… I-it’s fine, calm down..”

“You’re hyperventilating.” Leo said as he rubbed his shell.

“N-no I’m…” his chest hurt, he heard his heart beating in his ears.

Yes he was.

Donnie was staring at him with the most concern. A look in his eye like he knew what happened.

“D-did I crack the tub..?” He asked softly.

Donnie scoffed and shook his head, pressing a hand to his chest. “No. You’re fine, just breathe.”

Raph whined softly and leaned back into Leo. He’d gotten the worst of the grime off himself before he fell.

“In one two three. Out one two three.” Mikey said softly and gestured with his hands.

Right. Breathing. One two. One two. One two.

“What did it say?” Donnie asked him quietly.

Raph looked at him miserably and didn’t answer.

“It was the soap, wasn’t it?” He frowned and rubbed Raph’s cheek.

“I-I’m not scared of soap…”

“No one thinks you’re scared Raph.” Leo said gently and rested his head on top of his.

“I… it grossed me out. And.. and then something told me how.. f-full of cum I was.. and.. and dad was so proud…”

Mikey wrapped his arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. “I’m sorry…”

Raph couldn’t help but cry as Mikey held him. “I-I can’t be scared of soap! I-I need it out I need t-to be clean! I-I’m…”

He felt overwhelmed.

‘It’s the pregnancy hormones’

“SHUT UP!!!” He screamed and clasped his hands around his head.

He couldn’t stop sobbing.

He felt a pause in their movements, in their words.

The shower turned off. The tub turned on.

“Hey.. let’s get you somewhere you like, okay..?” Leo said softly in his ear.

Or was it even Leo?

He opened his eyes to look around, suddenly expecting no one to be there.

But he did see his brothers, and they were running the bath for him.

He looked at Leo. “D-did you just say something..?”

Leo smiled sadly and nodded. “Yeah, I said we’re gonna try and make you feel safe..”

He sighed in relief. “I-I thought you were a ghost in my head again…”

Leo gently rubbed his shoulder. “I’m here.. keep your eyes on us then, maybe that will help.”

Mikey pulled away from the hug he’d forgotten he was getting and wiped his eyes for him.

He felt the water up to his middle and looked at each of his brothers. “I-I thought you wanted to shower..? And.. not sit in the stuff…”

“We can get it off later, I think you need to be somewhere you’re comfortable.” Donnie said softly. “Will it be okay if I wash your body for you? You looked... you didn’t like the look of the soap.”

“Y-yeah.. that’s fine..”

They all readjusted themselves so Raph could be at one end of the tub and able to see them all.

Mikey grabbed some bubble bath and kind of overloaded it. He and Leo were at the other side while Donnie was kind of hovering over him, manhandling his arm to scrub it currently.

He didn’t mind. The water was up to his chest and it felt warm, the way a warm inviting feeling was supposed to wash over him.

Not like the cage.

“This is weirdly intimate huh..?” Raph said softly after a while.

Mikey splashed him. “We’re just turtles in a tub. It’s fine.”

Leo had one arm resting on the side of the tub. He was a bit too gangly to have enough room to relax.

“I.. hope nobody feels weird.” Raph added. “I feel a little weird…”

Donnie shrugged and went to get his other arm. “It’s fine, this feels like normal after battle stuff. Tending to your wounds and such. But the wounds are more mental.”

“What about your wounds?”

“We’re tending to all our wounds. Group wound tending session. You should just try to relax.” Donnie flicked him in the head.

Raph whined and let himself be manhandled by Donnie.

He watched Leo and Mikey help scrub each other down.

He leaned back against the tub and closed his eyes, letting himself be here in the moment. His brothers had him, he was okay.

They were laying in the bedroom after their shower, everyone finally felt clean. They’d collectively decided to push their beds together to make a big bed to cuddle on.

Nobody wanted to sleep alone. It reminded them of the cages.

Raph and Leo were laying side by side, each with a baby brother on their plastron. Donnie was curled into Raph’s side, finally feeling comfortable after straining his body so much.

Raphs head leaned into Leo’s neck as he held on to Donnie. “Is this too weird..?”

“Stop worrying. Doctor said to do what feels comfortable. Are you comfortable?” Leo asked him.

“Yeah...”

“Then we’re fine.”

Raph hummed and rubbed Donnie’s back, nuzzling into Leo’s neck.

“What do you think she’s telling Splinter..?” Mikey asked softly, making eye contact with Raph from the other side of Leo’s chest.

“Hopefully telling her off a bit, more likely giving her advice on how not to step on our toes though.” Donnie stated. His cheek was pressed flat against Raph’s chest and he was idly rubbing his plastron.

“I don’t care what she says to mom, she could tell her everything for all I care.” Leo said seriously as he ran his hand over the back of Mikey’s shell. “Maybe some of it would traumatize her enough to make her say sorry. That would be… A start.”

Mikey made eye contact with Raph. He was looking at him worriedly.

Raph closed his eyes.

“She’s getting us help, please just…” he tried.

“To be clear, April got us help.” Donnie patted his chest lightly.

Raph opened his eyes and took a deep breath. “I don’t wanna fight about mom or else I’ll feel worse, okay..?”

Mikey reached out to cup his cheek. “Okay, whatever you want Raphie..”

Raph lay there, letting himself be touched, keeping eye contact with Mikey.

It was hard. He was thinking about how much in the cages he craved gentle touches like this, but he was also currently mentally preparing for someone to lose their mind and pin him down again. It made his heart hurt to think he would feel this conflicted about his brothers forever.

Let alone the horrible things he had growing inside him.

He felt Mikey brush his cheek and regained some focus on him. He was probably crying again without noticing, but Mikey didn’t call him out, just helped him brush away the tears before they fell on Leo.

“Anyone feel like making nasty trauma coping jokes yet?” Leo asked suddenly.

Donnie snorted and looked up at him. “Like what?”

“Uh-uh, need permission from the room before I say anything. I got a gross one.”

Mikey looked up at him and furrowed his brow. “Why would you wanna say something gross?”

Raph laughed softly. “Cuz if we can joke about it we feel less guilty. I wanna hear it. Leo’s pretty good at these.”

Leo looked at Mikey for permission, wiggling his brow to egg him into hearing it.

“Ughhh okay, please be funny.”

“Donnie?”

“How much worse could I feel?” He propped his head up on Raph’s chest to look at Leo.

“You guys didn’t see it but dads cock when he tried to rape Raph for a second? Soooo small! Like maybe a quarter of what we got going on! Absolutely did all that to compensate. How in the WORLD was he gonna teach me a lesson with that thing!”

Raph snorted and hid his face in Leo’s shoulder.

“Why were you looking at dad’s dick!” Mikey whined.

“Cuz it was in front of Raph’s tail! You know we couldn’t stop looking at Raph’s tail!” He laughed.

“Ughhhh…” Donnie shook his head and lay his head back down.

“Honestly? You guys filled me up so good I absolutely would not have felt it..” Raph said softly with a laugh against Leo’s arm.

Leo grinned at him and bumped his shoulder against him playfully. “See! I knew it!”

Raph looked up at him with a grin. “I already TOLD you you should have let him do it!”

“Yeah, he obviously only had to fuck you as a kid to feel big.”

Raph couldn’t help but giggle and press his forehead to Leo’s shoulder to stop himself from laughing harder.

“You guys are so dark.” Mikey shook his head in disbelief.

“I mean, yeah!” Leo rubbed the back of his head. “We’re a bunch of brother fuckers!”

“Not even brother fuckers, you guys only fucked me, and dad made it veryyyy clear I was your sister. So don’t even worry about that!” Raph was laughing.

Donnie looked up at them annoyed. “Your coping mechanisms aren’t for everyone.”

Leo pouted. “Okay well how are YOU coping?”

Donnie pouted and pressed his head down again. Raph rubbed the back of his shell. “I suppose it was a little funny to hear you idiots arguing about how horrible it would be to fuck all night as I was ACTIVELY saving the day and preventing that.”

Leo laughed and rubbed the back of Donnie’s head. “See? That’s funny! You’re right we were stupid! Too busy fucking each other!”

Mikey patted Leo’s chest idly. “It’s kinda funny that stuff didn’t work on me so good right?”

Raph looked over at him, Mikey had a pained smile on his face.

Raph’s eyes softened. “Mikey, you don’t have to. It’s okay.”

Mikey looked back at him and let out a sad laugh. “No I.. it’s funny, cuz I did try and fake it and it still wasn’t good enough. I kept waking you up during and I still had to…”

He wasn’t very good at this game.

Leo shifted him on his chest and leaned down to kiss the top of his head. “It’s a good try but I think you’re hurting yourself.”

“I-I wanna play too!” He complained.

Raph looked up at him and gently stroked his cheek. “I mean. It was pretty funny how you stalked me like a fucking cat.”

Mikey looked at him wide eyed. “Is that what I did?!”

Raph laughed softly. “You like.. got down on all fours and everything. Your eyes went all big like a kitten. It was honestly cute. A little scary? But cute.”

Mikey grumbled softly and leaned into Leo’s chest. “Great, even when I do that I can’t escape being a baby!”

Raph leaned in to kiss his forehead. “You’re my baby.”

Mikey pouted at him. “Even when I raped you?” He asked softly.

Raph just smiled at him. “Even then. You… were the gentlest.”

Mikey's eyes got sad again as he eyed the bandage on Raph’s shoulder. “How can you say that when I bit you so hard?”

Raph idly touched the bandage on his neck. “I… forgot I had that honestly. Still.”

“Pretty sure I was actually the gentlest.” Donnie interrupted. “I couldn’t fucking move cuz my kneecaps exploded.”

“Don’t be over dramatic, Don.” Leo gave his head a gentle push.

Raph looked up at the ceiling. “You all did… good. I guess. I don’t know if you want to hear that. But.. Mikey is the only one who made me cum.”

The air was sucked out of the room for a moment.

And then Mikey started laughing.

“W-what?!” He cried, wiping his eyes.

Raph looked back at him concerned, then realized he was laughing and felt himself flush. He laughed too. “Yeah! Isn’t that stupid?!”

Mikey snorted and laughed louder. “How did I make you do that?! I’ve never done anything before! Leo didn’t and I DID?!”

Leo’s eyes snapped down and he pouted.

Raph kept laughing. “Leo is a SELFISH lover!”

“Hey! I resent that!” Leo whined playfully.

“For shame Leo!” Mikey flicked him in the head.

“It’s not his fault, it’s what dad taught him.” Donnie deadpanned from Raph’s chest.

Which made all three of them burst out laughing.

Leo just sat there taking it. Making such a face as they laughed at him. “Cmonnn that’s not fair! I didn’t get as many chances!” He playfully poked Raph’s shoulder.

Raph eyed Donnie and mikey. “Does that or does it not sound like an excuse?”

“Definitely an excuse.” Donnie said.

“Maybe he’s just bad at sex!” Mikey added.

“You guys are so mean.”

“This is literally your fault, you wanted nasty jokes!” Raph bit his shoulder lightly.

Leo whined and pouted at him. “But the first time I was like.. I didn’t know what was going on and you were asleep! And the second time Dad was there!”

“Ughhh Leo you should have made me cum in front of dad! That would have shown him!” Raph whined playfully.

Leo couldn’t help but laugh at that too. He bonked Raph’s head with his. “Gonna guess he never made you cum either.”

Raph stared at him with more of a haunted look for a moment before smiling again. “I honestly don’t remember. But he still thought I was a boy when he did it, so probably not, huh?”

Leo snorted and laughed.

“You know what I just realized?” Donnie asked.

“Hmm?” Raph responded.

“Stockman left the room the third time. Leo didn’t even need to fuck you!”

Leo looked at him wide eyed. “What?!”

“I mean obvious the drugs were still going, but he was apologizing for fucking up so much he didn’t notice that he could have sat very still in the corner for 5 minutes and never had to go inside you again.”

Raph laughed and threw his head back. “Jesus!”

Leo frowned and lay back, staring at the ceiling. “Oh… I really just walked in there and started doing it anyway.”

Raph sensed his tone and looked up at him. He shifted Donnie’s weight so he could roll and crawl over Leo to enter his eyeline. “Leo, it’s okay. We were literally being conditioned to do that…”

Leo stared at him sadly. “It’s… it’s not that, I mean that was horrible and I’m sorry, but.. you started attacking me back afterwards, and I’m just thinking how that could have been avoided..”

Raph frowned. He looked at Leo’s face up and down, and he tried to think what happened.

“Leo… I don’t remember that. Like you said that? And you said that I said things to you..? But… I just remember hugging you and you apologizing I don’t….”

Leo’s eyes got more worried and he reached his hand up to cup Raph’s face. “I.. honestly I figured you wouldn’t… something about the whole thing reminded me of the way you got when we were little… you don’t remember those times either.”

Raph clasped his hand around Leo’s. “I.. I’m sorry… that’s a point in your corner over Donnie’s then I guess…”

“You could have multiple things, Raph.” Donnie said behind him, placing a hand on his arm. “No one thing needs to explain everything.”

Raph sighed and decided to lay down on his stomach against Leo’s chest, hugging him around his neck. “I’m sorry that I did that to you. I’m sorry I took something out on you. And I’m sorry you’ve clearly seen me do that before…”

Leo rubbed his back and kissed his head. “It’s okay. No judgments over anything that happened in there. None of us were really ourselves.”

‘You more than most.’

Raph squeezed his eyes shut and tried to avoid shouting, but Leo sensed his muscles tense. He just kept rubbing his back.

“Tell the ghosts in your head that if they don’t leave you alone I’m gonna get an exorcist for you.”

Raph laughed and relaxed. “They can hear you. Thanks.”

Donnie climbed on top of Raph’s back to lay against him. The pressure felt a little too familiar but he was okay. He was letting himself feel safe with his brothers again.

“Leo, I got another one.” He looked up at his brother with a cheeky grin.

Leo smirked down at him. “Go on.”

“I wish I hadn’t started raping you back before you made me cum.”

Leo sucked in a sharp breath and clasped his palm to his forehead, then burst out laughing. “GOD that’s gross! I wish I did too cuz now you think I’m bad at it!”

Raph laughed against his chest and squeezed him tight.

“You are both so disgusting.” Donnie chuckled and gently patted the back of Raph’s shell.

Mikey just hummed and nuzzled himself closer, kissing Raph’s cheek. “I’m better at sex than Leo.” He sang softly, earning more laughs.

“Ugh just ONE more round and I could have done it!” Leo shook his head.

“I think you’re ALL forgetting the most important part.” Raph said, smirking.

“Oh no…” he felt Donnie hide his head against his shell. He knew exactly what he was about to say.

“Yeah?” Leo asked, smiling nervously.

“I made you ALL cum, even in my SLEEP! So that actually makes ME the best at sex!”

That earned him laughs, groans, and flicks in the head from all of them.

And it felt more pleasurable than any sex ever had.

Chapter Text

They’d all fallen asleep at some point, exactly like that, in each others arms.

Raph woke slightly when he felt a blanket draped over them, and saw his mother in the dim light of the fairy lights on the walls.

She made eye contact with him for a second, and he immediately closed his eyes and tried to pretend he was still sleeping. He just didn’t want to talk to her right now.

“Raphael..?” She whispered.

He didn’t answer, stayed very still.

“I know you’re awake…”

He grunted softly and kept his eyes closed.

“Are you… really comfortable right there..? I wouldn’t think you’d want to be so close to them right now…”

“Please go away mom…” he mumbled.

He knew he shouldn’t be. He knew he was supposed to feel gross and scared and angry and resentful. Maybe it made him a bad victim, maybe it made him a freak, a slut even.

But he felt safe right here.

“I’m just checking in… you haven’t said a word to me..”

“I can't, okay..? I can’t right now…”

She didn’t respond for a while. He hoped she’d just leave.

“I’m not upset with you or anything if that’s what you’re worried about… I know it probably feels bad and confusing but…”

He opened his eyes and glared at her. She was staring sadly at him.

“Please go away.” He said louder.

She frowned and stood up. She looked annoyed with him.

“ Fine . I only wanted to help. But fine.”

Why did that hurt him so bad?

He rolled his head back over and hid it against Leo’s chest.

He heard her leave.

“I’m proud of you.” Leo said softly.

Raph looked up, Leo was awake and smiling gently at him.

He felt his eyes water for no reason.

“I… there’s nothing to be proud of.” He said as he lay his head back down.

“Yeah there is. You’re setting boundaries. I’m proud of you for that.”

“She looked so upset…” he couldn’t stop his voice breaking.

“But it’s not about her, it’s about you. If she really wants to help you then she wouldn’t care about her own feelings.”

He bonked his forehead against Leo’s plastron.

“You’re annoying and I hate you...” He grumbled.

“I love you too, Raph.” He laughed and rubbed the back of his head.

He sat quietly with his head in his chest for a while, enjoying the feeling of a brother on each side. But he couldn’t stop thinking about how his mom reacted to him here.

“Leo…?”

“Mmm..?” He wasn’t sure if he was still awake.

“Do you think… do you think she thinks I’m gross..?”

“I wouldn’t worry about what she thinks, Raph.”

“I’m serious Leo…”

“So am I.”

Raph couldn’t help but let tears fall. Why didn’t he understand?

“You’re not listening to me…”

He felt Leo shift a little under him and felt two hands on his shoulders.

“I am listening, I’m telling you it doesn’t matter what she thinks.”

Raph shook his head and let out a quiet sob.

“Sh-she thinks I liked it… I-I look like I liked it…”

More hands were on him. He realized he’d woken the twins.

“It’s okay Raph…” Mikey said softly.

“Y-you don’t get it…”

“Explain it then.” Donnie said from his back, speaking softly in his ear. The idea of that made him wince.

He tried to take deep breaths. The pressure on all sides from his brothers was good. He was safe. It wasn’t anything else. He didn’t feel anything but good about where he was. He was trying to remind himself of that.

“I-I.. I feel like a s..slut…”

“Raphie…” Mikey soothed and reached out to touch his face.

He turned his head to look Mikey in the eye and instantly regretted it. Mikey's eyes were big and sad and made him feel worse. He turned his head to face away, staring at the wall.

“First of all there would be nothing wrong with you if you even were promiscuous, and second that isn’t even remotely what happened so it doesn’t make sense to feel that way.” Donnie droned from his back.

Raph groaned and rolled his body to shake him off. Donnie landed in his eyeline and that didn’t help either, because he too looked worried about him.

“Donnie, that's not helpful.” Leo said.

Raph sat up straight and glared at Leo, holding himself up with his hands on Leo’s chest. And as he looked down at him he wanted to be sick.

He was sitting in his pelvis, just like how he’d woken up in the cage, and they looked like if their mother came in now she’d assume he was riding his brother.

And Leo just stared at him with worry too.

So he bolted off the bed and took the blanket with him, cursing the fact they had to have moved all the beds together so there was nowhere soft for him to lay down.

He wrapped the blanket around himself tighter and tucked himself into the corner of the room, leaning his shell against the wall, facing the corner.

His head was swimming with horrible thoughts. He didn’t want to worry about feeling like he would fuck his brothers, but it was too late because he already had. He already was a slut.

‘Dad always knew that’s what you’d become, so of course mom knows it too.’

He slammed his head against the brick wall, but said nothing back at the voice.

‘If you really hated fucking them you wouldn’t be lying with them. You want them to fuck you in your sleep don’t you?’

He slammed his head again. It hurt and it was making him cry.

Someone turned the light on but he didn’t turn around.

‘This is it you’ve cornered yourself you stupid slut! Just like you wanted! They’re coming for you now!’

“S-stop!” He shouted at himself and clasped his hands around his head.

He felt movement behind him and snapped his head around.

Mikey was sitting cross legged on the floor a foot away from him, staring with concern but not moving any closer.

He eyed him nervously and felt tears fall from his wide eyes.

“Do… you want to talk about what they’re saying right now..?” He asked gently.

Raph looked him up and down, then looked behind him. Donnie was at the light switch and Leo was still on the bed. They clearly were trying to not crowd him.

He looked back at Mikey. He was making no effort to touch him or hold him, just sat patiently.

“I-I… I c-can’t make them stop, Mikey…”

Mikey nodded sadly and clasped his hands together.

“Maybe we need to drown them out, would that help?”

Raph turned away and curled into the wall.

‘Stupid slut.’

He winced and closed his eyes.

“I love you Raph.”

He let out a soft laugh.

“Y-you love that I’m a stupid slut..?”

“I didn’t say that part, Raph. Here you should face me so you can tell which things I say. And you know nobody else is behind you.

He sighed and opened his eyes, turning so his shell was in the corner and he could see Mikey.

Mikey was giving him a gentle smile and sitting up straight like he used to when they would train in their fathers dojo.

“You’re safe Raph. Wherever you wanna be, whatever you want us to do you’re safe.”

Raph just tugged the blanket around himself closer.

Donnie was watching him fidget with the blanket and decided to go through some drawers.

‘He’s going to tie you up, or drug you, or come and stuff a sock in your mouth.’

He felt queasy.

Donnie wandered over with something and he couldn’t help but flinch and look away.

“Do you want a hoodie?” He asked so gently.

Raph blinked and turned back to him, he was holding out the biggest hoodie he had, an old black one that he liked cuz it would drape around him like a cape.

“W-why would I…”

“Because you look like you’re trying to cover up. Do you want to wear this? It should fit you.”

Raph whined and nodded, holding his hand out to take it. Donnie gently passed it to him and stepped back, not wanting to crowd him.

It felt soft and well worn in his hands so he pulled the blanket off and wrapped himself up in the hoodie, zipping it up and pulling the hood up.

“Is that better?”

Raph picked the blanket back up and lay it over his lap.

“Y-yeah.. th-thank you…”

“Don’t worry about it.” Donnie sat down on the mattress beside Leo.

Raph looked back at Mikey.

“Th… the voices were telling me Donnie was about to.. g-gag me or something…”

Mikey frowned. “That's upsetting. They’re trying to make how you feel worse.”

“Do you think mom triggered this..?” Leo asked from across the room.

Raph hugged himself.

“Sh-she didn’t even say anything.. I-I just have a feeling in m-my gut…”

‘Your gut is where your brothers babies are, you useless slut.’

He clasped his hands around his head again.

“N-no no no no…”

“What did it say?” Mikey asked.

“Th-that my gut is where the babies are!” He wailed.

Mikey held out his hand questioningly, it was far enough away that Raph was sure it wasn’t about to slap him or anything.

He reached out and took it shakily. Mikey squeezed it softly.

“I’m sorry we weren’t listening to you. I guess it’s confusing why you feel like a slut for what happened.”

Raph looked up into his eyes, he felt tears falling.

“Because.. because I think I shouldn’t want to be here… a-and I know we all feel like that, but I feel like.. I specifically shouldn’t because.. because I’m the girl! And.. and girls who.…”

“You’re not a girl Raph!” Donnie yelled from the bed.

Raph stared at him in a frustrated panic, glaring.

“Y-you know what I mean! I-I’m female! Girl, female, whatever! It’s what my body is! Stop correcting me when I talk about my own body! It’s not helpful!”

Donnie frowned and kicked at the ground, feeling embarrassed.

He sighed. Shouting at Donnie honestly made him feel more at ease.

“There’s… good girls and bad girls you know..? I know it’s all bullshit, but I know.. I know the feeling mom has in the back of my head. She’s… she’s watching me not be a prude. She’s scared I’m enjoying sex with my brothers because I had it… and I’m not running away, cuz good girls would run away..” he sighed and looked up into Mikey’s eyes sadly. “Does that make sense..?”

Mikey scratched his chin and looked down, he was thinking.

Donnie had turned to face the wall.

Leo just looked mad, but not at him.

“Sounds like a bunch of messed up society stuff knocking around your brain.” Mikey finally said and squeezed his hand reassuringly.

Raph sighed and leaned his head back.

“It’s more than just that though.. I… I know you guys don’t like mom. But… but I don’t want her to think I’m…”

‘Enjoying being your brothers’ spitroast?’

He whined and pulled away from Mikey to clasp his head again.

“I-I don’t want to fight about mom, I-I just need reassurance…”

‘You need them to hold you down like a good little slut and tag team you.’

“G-god shut up!” He was feeling queasy and flopped over onto the ground, hugging his knees. “I-I don’t even know where it’s coming from!”

Leo stood up and wandered over to sit beside Mikey.

“Stop yelling at it and just repeat it back to me.”

Raph looked up at him scaredly.

“Y-you’ll throw up if I tell you…”

“My stomach’s gotten a lot better lately. Obviously.”

‘After realizing how much he enjoyed fucking you.’

Raph whined and started punching himself in the head.

He felt Leo grab his arm to stop him, holding it forcefully.

“What did it just say?”

“Th-that that’s cuz you realized how much you enjoyed fucking me…”

Leo scoffed and grabbed Raph’s shoulders, tugging him to sit up and held his hands firmly.

“I think it’s more like fucking you made me throw up so much I can’t do it anymore.”

Raph waited. The voice has no response.

He sighed and nodded, letting Leo keep holding his hands.

Mikey smiled a little and scooted closer.

“What does the voice sound like? Is it dad?” He asked.

Raph thought about that for a moment.

“Sometimes. Sometimes it’s a memory of something someone said, sometimes it’s pretending to be someone else, and sometimes it’s just… scary stuff in peoples voices. I guess it mostly does sound like Dad though…”

“Oh good! I have many things to say to THAT guy.” Leo smirked.

Raph couldn’t help but laugh.

“H-he’s being quiet now though… must be scared of you.”

Leo grinned and leaned in to whisper shout in Raph’s ear.

“Hear that dad! I’m right here! Come out and play you undead zombie bitch!”

Raph giggled wildly and squeezed Leo’s hands.

Mikey leaned against Leo and tapped his arm. Leo let go of one hand so Mikey could take it instead.

Raph took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

“If it’s gonna shut up for a second, I’ll try and finish what I was saying. I don’t wanna fight about mom. And telling me it doesn’t matter what she thinks doesn’t help me.” He opened his eyes and looked at them both seriously.

“I know half the shit I say sounds crazy. I’m crazy! But I wish she didn’t see that. She probably shouldn’t have come in, but I wish she didn’t see me between you guys.”

“Are.. you ashamed of being affectionate with us?” Mikey asked.

He frowned and squeezed Mikey’s hand.

“No… normally no. But it’s hard. You guys didn’t fuck each other , you fucked me …”

‘And you liked it. You liked every second. Mikey made you cum like a good slut, no wonder you like it when he calls you Mommy.’

He whimpered and turned his head away quickly, but their grips on his hands were firm. It stopped him from hitting his head on the wall.

“What did it say?” Leo asked.

Raph looked at Mikey uneasily and then back at Leo.

“I-I really don’t want to say… I-it’s gross…”

“I can take gross!” Leo said, clapping his fist to his chest.

Raph just gave him a look, gesturing to Mikey with his eyes.

Leo frowned. “Oh…”

Mikey seemed to notice this and furrowed his brow.

“Just say it. There’s no point keeping it from me.”

Raph shook his head, ignoring him. “Just… you guys fucked me, not each other, so that’s why it’s hard for me.. as the girl.”

He vaguely saw Donnie twitch from the bed but he wouldn’t turn around.

“Well… I still think it’s stupid to worry about what mom thinks, but I get it. You’re scared she thinks the little stuff is weird. That it’s more than it is, and then that’s making your head spiral into the slut thing, isn’t it?”

Raph looked down at their hands and nodded.

“And.. and I sat up earlier and I was… on top of you Leo, it made me feel so bad…”

‘Because you remembered how fun it was to ride him and make him hurt back!’

He glared at the ceiling. “NO! Cuz I don’t even remember that!”

Leo squeezed his hand gently.

Raph looked back at him after a moment.

“Cuz I remembered how fun it was to ride you and make you hurt… but that’s fucking stupid cuz I don’t remember it at all!”

Leo smiled half heartedly and gave a small laugh.

“Yeah.. that wasn’t fun for either of us, so shut up DAD.”

“Why will you tell Leo what it says about him but not me..?” Mikey asked him sadly.

Raph took a breath and looked back at him.

“Because… I really don’t want to ruin anything. And it… said the nastiest thing about you it could…”

“I’m not a baby, Raph…”

‘Yes you are Mikey, your Mommy’s favorite baby, the one she liked to—‘

“STOP!!!” He screamed and tugged hard on their hands, he wanted to hit and punch the thing in his head so badly but they held tight.

“Hey hey hey, calm down, it's okay, it’s not real.” Leo soothed.

Raph looked at Leo with wide and terrified eyes.

Mikey watched him but he wouldn’t look back.

“S-see! And I know that’s about me!”

Raph closed his eyes and tried to hold in a sob.

“P-please Mikey….” He cried.

“If you have to take it I can take it!” He squeezes his hand tight as he could.

Raph felt the need to blurt it out before the voice decided to have a field day with Mikey’s words.

“Mikey it’s making me feel sick because it’s saying I like being your mommy for gross reasons! That you made me cum for gross reasons! That you’re my baby in a disgusting way! Th-this one I can’t joke about, it hurts!” He sobbed and wanted to crack his head on the wall for being his own voice.

Mikey glared at him, tears in his eyes.

Raph felt scared under his glare.

“Y-you tell that voice it hurt us both so bad what happened! Wait wait I’ll tell it! It hurt us! You woke up during it to try and stop me every time because I kept crying like a turtle and y-you can’t help it when I do that! You woke up to hold me and comfort me a-and then they would turn up the drugs until we couldn’t see each other anymore! Your mommy brain if that’s what you wanna call it?! She hated every second of what happened!”

Raph was crying a lot. He barely remembered doing that, but he was right. It did hurt him deeply how much he couldn’t turn that part of his brain off while he was in his sessions with Mikey.

He hunched over trying to get closer to Mikey, needing some sense of closeness.

Mikey let go of his hand to wrap his arms around Raph’s head, he was crying just as much and squeezed him tight.

“I-I’m so sorry M-Mikey…”

“Don’t you be sorry! You’re okay Mom!”

He wailed and wrapped both his arms around Mikey tightly, his head firmly against his chest. Mikey just held and pet him, squishing his cheek against the top of his head.

“I love you I love you I love you…” Mikey soothed as he gently rubbed the back of his shell.

Raph wasn’t sure how long he had to be held like that. He knew he was crying for a while from how hoarse his voice got.

When he finally felt he’d gotten it out he sat up and took a deep breath. Mikey looked back at him with red puffy eyes. He took both his hands again just in case.

“Thank you Mikey.. that helped so much..”

Mikey smiled.

“I’ve got you. I’ve always got you, okay?”

Raph smiled back and nodded, wiping the tears off with his shoulder.

Leo leaned in against Mikey, resting his head on top of his as he looked at Raph.

“I think we can safely say that telling us stuff really helps you and us. So you should do it more. I like fighting your demons, don’t you Mikey?”

Mikey grinned and nodded big.

“Hell yeah! They’ve got nothing on us!”

Raph laughed softly and leaned in for a hug from both of them, which they both did without question.

“I think I wanna go back to bed now…”

They stood and helped him up, Mikey grabbed the blanket from the ground and took it with them.

Donnie was still lying with his back to them, tucked into the corner of the room.

Raph frowned a little and lay down behind him, he wasn’t sure if he was still awake.

Leo got in behind him and wrapped his arms around Raph’s middle in a spoon, and Mikey draped the blanket over all three of them before getting into bed behind Leo.

Raph sensed that Donnie wasn’t snoring and gently placed a hand on the back of his shell.

“I’m sorry I shouted at you.. you were trying to be supportive, and I really appreciate that Donnie…”

He saw Donnie twitch and heard a noise.

A cry.

He frowned and wrapped his arms around Donnie and pulled him close.

“Don, what’s the matter?”

Donnie rolled slightly to look back at Raph.

“I-I hate that you feel that way about yourself…”

Raph furrowed his brow.

“You can’t really be crying over me right now…”

Donnie rolled completely to face Raph seriously.

“I am! I’m… I’m mad that you really feel like being female makes you a girl and that being a girl makes you feel bad for needing affection! It’s hard enough being a ' boy' needing affection! A-and that makes me think about how fucked up that part is! I know you know it’s all bullshit! But you’ve got it all twisted up in that fucked up brain of yours and I’m angry and sad about it!”

Raph couldn’t help but laugh softly and shake his head.

“How’s that funny?!” Donnie whined.

“You’re just.. it’s hardly the most fucked up thing going on in my head. And you were dead set on correcting Stockman despite how fucked up the rest of it was. I just… I know you’re always in my corner, and I love you.”

Donnie grumbled and pressed his head to Raph’s chest.

“You don’t stand up for yourself. Someone has to.”

“You’re my hero Donnie…” he kissed the top of his head. “But sometimes I just have to talk shit about myself to get a point across, and when you stand up for me against ME, then you overstep. And that makes me angry.”

Donnie peaked up at him guiltily with his big sad eyes and Raph just smiled.

“You… you’re right. I’m sorry. It’s your body.”

Raph hummed and rubbed Donnie’s back.

‘Your body that you used to overpower him, to force him inside of you.’

He growled and looked at the ceiling. “Ooh hoo I KNEW you weren’t done…”

“Huh?” Donnie asked nervously.

Raph frowned and looked down at him.

Leo held him closer behind him reassuringly.

Raph sighed.

“It said I used my body to overpower you… to make you fuck me.. kinda boring after everything else it said, but…”

“You didn’t rape me Raph…” Donne said as he scooted up to look Raph in the eye.

“I…I know… in most of my brain I know…”

Donnie gripped his chin and stared seriously at him.

“I’m grateful for what you did. It sucked so much, but you made it so easy for me. Dad would have killed me, and you did the smartest thing you could, which was coax me into doing it and helping me physically do it.”

“Some of those noises I heard myself make… I don’t even know where they came from. Like every part of my brain said ‘be convincing’.”

“Yeah, you got freaky.” He made a face. “But, it worked. And I’m not dead, and you’re not stuck back there, and neither of us hate each other. We are literally lying in a bed right now seeking each other's comfort because we don’t hate each other. I’m completely okay with you Raph, no resentment.”

Raph sighed in relief and pulled him close again. “Thank you… I needed to hear that…”

Donnie laughed a little and patted his chest.

“Yeah well, you’re dumb for needing me to say it.”

Raph gave him a dramatic wet kiss on the forehead which made him groan.

“Thanks for the hoodie too, it helped…”

“Of course. You could keep that one if you like.”

Raph smiled and pulled back, rolling on his back to stare at the ceiling with a new sense of relief to him. He gripped Donnie and Leo around their necks and pulled them against his chest.

“Ok. I have a gross one.” Donnie said suddenly.

“Yesss let’s hear it, D.” You could hear the excitement in Leo’s voice.

“I liked the noises Raph made. That’s really what did it…” He grumbled.

Raph snorted and clapped his hand over his forehead. Leo burst out laughing, and Mikey clambers on top of Leo to smack Donnie on the head.

“Gross!”

Donnie laughed and hid his head under the blanket.

“Fuck what the hell did I do?” Raph wondered aloud playfully. “Was it liiiike …” he made a whiny purring noise that turned into a moan and Donnie grumbled under the blankets in embarrassment.

Leo laughed and smacked his head lightly through the blanket.

“Groooooss Donnie, for shame!”

“This guys turtle is just as fucked as ours guys, he’s not as above it as we thought!” Raph laughed.

Donnie peaked his head out and glared playfully at Raph.

“Careful you don’t do it again then.” He warned playfully. “Apparently I am just an animal.”

Raph glared back at him just as playful and decided to make the noise again.

Donnie jumped on him and blew a raspberry on his neck like a child.

“Aghhhh he’s got me I’m dead! Blughhh!!” Raph laughed and pretended to go stiff.

Leo laughed and poked Donnie in the side, earning him a fit of giggles from a tickle.

“Where was THAT when dad needed you to be macho huh?”

They all laughed again and Raph sighed, staring up at the ceiling.

“Perhaps the real issue was the audience with the perverts.” Donnie said snidely as he rested his head back down on Raph’s plastron.

“Ah, so if Dad wasn’t there you would really have had your way with me? You couldn’t fucking move.”

“I could have figured it out!” Donnie whined.

Mikey climbed over Leo to lay flat on Raph’s plastron and pout up at him.

“Everyone’s being gross.”

Raph laughed and kissed his head.

“I’m sorry. I think it’s good to get it out of our system. Laughing it off and stuff.”

Mikey yawned and nuzzled himself in the center of his plastron.

“I think everyone got the CUM out of their system. Does that work?”

Raph laughed so hard that Mikey bounced.

“Everyone except pooooor Raph!” Leo whined dramatically.

“Whose fault is that?” Raph eyed him with a smirk.

“Oh dear brother, one last chance to prove myself!”

“BLUGH!” Raph pretended to vomit all over Leo.

“God I’ll say one thing! Nobody kissed until Raph kissed Leo at the end, that was weeeird!” Mikey whined.

Raph looked up confused.

“I didn’t kiss….” Oh. At the end. The end he didn’t remember. “I didn’t know I did that…”

Leo looked up at him a little shamefully.

Raph looked back more shamefully. He then looked up at the ceiling and made a determined face.

“Nope. No okay, I’m not gonna let that get to me cuz I’m feeling way better when I laugh, so tell me, was I a gooood kisser?” He eyed leo with a grin.

Leo groaned. “Yeah. Upsettingly good. I see why Casey is wrapped around your finger.”

“Casey’s not—“

“Your girlfriend, we know.”

“No no, Casey’s not wrapped around my finger, I’m fully wrapped around hers.” He admitted. “We don’t even kiss cuz she doesn’t like it.”

They all looked up at him in shock.

“What?”

“You… you never admitted you do anything more than hang out with Casey…” Leo said softly.

“Oh.” He looked up at the ceiling. “Well… what’s the point about feeling shame over that anymore?”

Mikey patted his chest. “Good, I’m proud of you!”

“So.. what IS the deal with Casey then?” Donnie asked.

“Ugh.. confusing? But also really simple.. no point being shy about it, we… we have sex to let the edge off during missions and stuff.”

“DURING?” Mikey asked wide eyed.

Raph snorted and felt himself blush.

“Yeah I mean… it’s obviously a bad idea, that's kind of the whole way we work. If we’re patrolling the docks she’ll push me behind a storage unit and tease me. If we’re hiding in a room she kind of starts getting all in my space… it’s not romantic at all, we’re just…”

“Horny.” Donnie finished for him. “No wonder you never said anything.”

He laughed and sighed.

“She’s my dream girl for sure, but I’m kind of not… I’m not really anything, obviously. So I take what I can get. And to be honest, I don't get much out of it cuz I get too freaked out..."

Leo nuzzled himself into Raph’s neck.

“So… what do you guys do then? If you don’t get pleasure out of it?”

“God, I never would ever have told you this before…” he looks up at the ceiling. “Mostly she like… teases me with words and her body and makes me feel like… like I don’t know, a big strong dominating dude, and I’ll eat her out, she says I’m good at that. Sometimes I don't remember. And sometimes we try light stuff, but she can’t get near my crotch or I freak the hell out. So I think for me it’s more… mental pleasure?"

Leo was looking at him funny.

“Mental pleasure?”

Raph groaned. “I don’t know, she makes my brain feel good. She makes me feel like a boy. Like just a horny teenage boy who’s normal and stays out late with a hot girl. How deep does it have to go?”

“…you like her though, don’t you?” Mikey asked softly.

Raph frowned at him.

“It… it really doesn’t matter that I do. She’s not into me like that.”

Donnie leaned over and tilted his head.

“Is this like… a thing you two fight about?”

Raph groaned and nodded. “Not cuz I’m pushing her into that, just cuz sometimes I’ll make it weird. Like by trying to kiss her for example. We don’t kiss.”

“Blugh, so we've kissed and you and Casey don’t?” Leo winced.

“Don’t worry about that, Dad’s kissed me more.” His brows furrowed. He barely even remember having sex with his Father, he wasn’t sure what part of his brain remembered kissing him.

“…Dad kissed you?” Mikey said quietly.

He closed his eyes.

“I guess… I don’t know why I said that cuz I don’t remember.”

‘How could dad of kissed you? He never took his helmet off? You must be lying. What else are you lying about?'

He groaned and glared at the ceiling.

“Yeah okay maybe I’m lying about a lot of things, who cares.”

Leo looked up at the ceiling and glared at it.

“Shut up dad! You’re just messing with Raph’s head!”

Raph looked at him with a pout.

Leo looked back and gave him a lopsided smile.

“I believe you. I would guess seeing dad without his mask would have been traumatizing enough for you to block it out.” He blinked and laughed at himself. “And I didn’t even mean that as a joke, but honestly yeah he was ugly enough.”

Raph shook his head and chuckled.

“Yeah… that’s probably it. I more… remember a feeling than seeing it.” He took a breath. “But I’m done talking about dad. Pester me all you want about Casey now.”

Mikey tapped him gently and he looked down at him.

“How did you guys start doing that..?”

He flushed a little.

“Mmm, she knew I was into her from the jump, took her a week to realize I wasn’t gonna do anything about it. I think she thought it was funny.” He laughed a little, remembering how she had jumped him. He racked his brain to remember why. “Mmmn, I actually had already had a panic attack in front of her like an hour before, and she was really cool about it so I guess it helped me trust her?”

“Why’d you have a panic attack?” Donnie asked, propping his head up and furrowing his brow.

Raph groaned and gave him an annoyed look. “Dad related. Saw a Foot Tech symbol. Freaked. No more questions about that.”

Leo laughed a little, probably to ease his mood.

“Here’s a dumb question, if Casey never touches you… does she know you’re not male?”

Raph looked up at him and raised a brow, a little annoyed.

“Fun fact, she doesn’t need to touch my junk to know that. I have a mouth I can tell her things with!”

“Hey I said it was a dumb question!” He held up his hands in mock defense.

Raph sighed and looked up.

“No.. it’s fair, it’s a fair question. She did uh… go looking for my cock. Which I had to tell her she wouldn’t find.”

He felt Donnie wince. “Did that hurt?”

“A little. But she was cool. She’s been really cool… honestly.. ugh. Look she did actually repay me the favour that night, and I did get off, but at the same time I did I had a horrible flashback to the last time someone touched me so that’s… that’s kind of why we don’t.”

They were all quiet for a minute.

“That’s a Dad related question isn’t it..?” Mikey asked softly.

“It was the lab. It was the lab okay? But it wasn’t rape as much as.. ugh. They had my legs held open, and they were both… holding me open to look inside.”

“How.. how old were you?” Leo’s face was against his on the pillow. He didn’t need to look over to know his eyes were wide and sad and full of tears.

“Twelve. Hardly the worst thing, just the thing I remembered at the time.” He let out a shaky breath. “Honestly? This whole experience has probably made me less anxious about sex, but that could be more of the slut thing…”

“Stop calling yourself that.” Mikey gave his chest a light slap.

“I can’t help it. It kinda makes me feel better to be mean to myself.”

“You and Leo have the worst coping mechanisms…” Donnie rubbed his eyes and pressed his face against Raph’s shoulder.

Raph looked over at Leo who did indeed have big sad wet eyes.

“Please Leo, it’s fine, I’m fine now…”

“You were just a baby…”

Raph closed his eyes and turned his head back to the ceiling.

“I know. But obviously worse shit has happened since, so I really don’t care anymore.”

“But… you get that we just… we never knew about it, right? And we just have to hear about it now and process it..?” Mikey said quietly from his chest.

Oh.

Raph looked down at him with tears in his eyes.

“I… I didn’t think about that… I’m sorry. God I feel like…”

‘Like mom.’

He didn’t want to shout at that voice, he had nothing to protest. He closed his eyes and winced.

“I-I’m sorry… You’re.. you guys are just as old as I was when… a-and now… fuck!”

It was just hitting him how badly they’d all been hurt. That his baby brothers had been used at the same age he was. That he was partially responsible for their pain, and here he was saying horrible things and not letting them ask about it.

He really was his mother's daughter.

Leo’s arms were around his neck and he was being tugged against him.

“It’s not your responsibility to make us feel okay, that’s what the therapist is for…”

“Y-yeah… I should still.. I should watch what I say though… better to say it to her than you guys…”

“Honestly, yeah.. but it’s okay Raph, let’s just wind back down…”

He nodded and pulled away, looking back down at the twins.

“I’m sorry. I'm gonna try and… think more about how I’m talking to you guys, okay..? I don’t want you to end up like me…”

Donnie scoffed and pressed his cheek against Raph’s shoulder. “Bit late, we’re all in the child sexual abuse clubhouse now. I don’t mind the jokes or the talks, but I would like time to process before I hear more about how bad it was…”

Mikey nodded and looked up at Raph sadly.

“I’m okay if you need to talk about it, I don’t want you bottling it up cuz that’s why your brain got so messed up in the first place…”

“I appreciate that Mikey, but I think your brain needs a break now too…”

Leo tugged the blanket closer over everyone and pulled them into a tighter hug.

“We’re okay… I love you guys and we’re gonna be okay now, I promise…”

Raph whined and leaned in to him, taking their little brothers with him as he pressed his face into Leo’s chest.

“Okay…”

Chapter Text

When they woke up the next morning Mikey had decided to make everyone pancakes. A true feast of flavours after their days of slop.

Donnie and Leo had set the table and let Raph rest at the head of it, he was still wearing Donnie’s old ratty black hoodie, it fit him perfectly. He’d also found some sweatpants, but those only rode up to his mid calf. It was helping to feel less exposed.

Mikey was making two batches of pancakes, half with chocolate chips and half without, the pickier eaters with the cool mask colours refusing to try something sweet.

The air smelled strongly of bacon, and it was making Raph’s tummy growl loudly.

“Mikey you better hurry up, Raph’s gonna eat his plate!” Leo joked as he pat Raph on the back.

“You can’t hurry perfection!” Mikey whined as he plated some bacon.

“Uuuughhhh Mikey…! I can see the light!” Raph gasped out and reached his arm out above his head, miming his own death.

Mikey huffed and chucked a piece of bacon on his plate. “To tide you over, you big baby.”

Raph gasped and picked it up between his fingers gobbling it down with a loud moan. “So fucking good Mikey…”

“Oh you’re all up!”

Raph froze, swallowing hard.

His mom was behind him and he was wearing Donnie’s hoodie. He had just moaned Mikey’s name. And his mom was behind him.

He felt Leo hovering over him but he didn’t move.

“Hi mom.” Leo said gently.

“Decided to make a big breakfast?” She wandered over to look at what Mikey was doing at the stove.

Leo put a hand on Raph’s shoulder when she turned and leaned down to enter his eyeline.

Raph stared back at him with a panicked expression. Leo looked sympathetic.

“Yeah, we’re all pretty hungry.” Mikey responded.

“You want some help?”

“I got it, it’s almost done anyway.”

Raph was trying like hell not to have a panic attack. Leo put both arms around his shoulders in a loose hug, leaning down to speak in his ear.

“Deep breaths, Raph, it’s just mom. You’re okay.”

He tried to breathe, placing a hand on Leo’s arm. He saw his mom turn and quickly threw Leo’s arms off him.

She stared at him sadly, but tried to smile anyway. “How are you feeling today, Raphael?”

“Hungry.” He answered quickly. “Just really hungry.”

Her smile faltered for a moment, but she tried to keep it up anyway. “Well, good thing your brother is such a good cook.” She turned to the fridge to grab some juice.

Raph clasped his chest, he didn’t know why it hurt.

Donnie was staring at him with some concern, he looked like he was about to ask him something so Raph just glared at him and held his finger to his lips.

Donnie rolled his eyes and rest his folded arms on the table.

Raph just stared at his empty plate, trying to calm his nerves.

Leo pat him on the back and shook him gently.

“Raphael do you want me to put on some coffee? Or would you like to take a nap later?”

He stared at his empty plate. Caffeine would make his chest worse than it already was. “No, I'm very awake right now, super okay.” He super fucking wasn’t okay and he didn’t know why.

She turned around to pour a glass of orange juice for herself. “Enough food for me to join you boys?”

Mikey turned his head to look back at Raph in question.

Raph stared back at him with an anxious look in his eye. He then looked back at his mom. “Of course you can eat breakfast with us we’re not avoiding you or anything that would be mean!” He tried to make his words sound as playful as he could but he was pretty sure he sounded crazy.

She gave him a puzzled look but smiled anyway, and sat at the other end of the table.

Donnie gave him the most dumbfounded look, shaking his head slightly.

Leo nonchalantly scooted his chair closer to Raph and leaned over the counter. “So. What did our doctor tell you?”

Raph kicked him under the table but he didn’t react.

She frowned and clasped her hands around her cup, looking down at it. “She… said a few things. She told me to give you space, but not be too far in case you needed to talk. I’m trying not to worry, but I’m a little surprised that none of you have seeked me out for anything.”

Raph frowned and rubbed his arm, looking away. “I.. I’m sorry, feels too raw right now..”

“I think anything we need to talk about can be said to the therapist.” Donnie said.

Raph looked up to glare at Donnie for his rudeness, but he’d stood up to help Mikey bring plates of food to the table.

“Which I understand, but I feel out of the loop. You’ve spoken to April. And this doctor. But no one even looked to me for a hug…”

Raph chewed his lip and closed his eyes. He felt horrible. “Mom, I’m so sorry I just—“

“Because trying to be physically close with anyone right now is hard, mom.” Leo interrupted. Raph thought his tone was too harsh. “We’ve been through hell and we’re just trying to be normal. It’s awkward and it sucks. But it’s harder to add other people to it.”

Raph groaned and shoved him lightly with his shoulder. “We’re fine, mom. We’re coping.”

She eyed the two of them carefully with her fingers steepled in front of her face as Donnie and Mikey placed the plates of pancakes and meats in front of everyone.

She was looking at Raph’s hoodie, she was looking at how close Leo was to him.

He looked away from her so he could pile as many chocolate chip pancakes onto his plate as he could. Leo leaned over him to add some bacon and hash browns to it, knowing he would forget to diversify his plate.

It was not helping.

Raph grumbled and took a big bite of pancakes. He couldn’t help but moan again. “These are so fucking good, Mikey…”

Mikey grinned from his seat near splinter at the corner. He and Donnie had very different plates, his full of all the variety, Donnie sticking to his plain pancakes with nothing on them. “Thank you! Worth the wait right?” He asked with his mouth full.

“Yes, I’m sorry.” Raph whined dramatically and stuffed his face more. Eating real delicious food after all that gross paste felt so good. He’d never felt so hungry, he was going to overindulge.

“How are you coping?” Splinter asked suddenly between her bites of food.

Raph tensed and looked up at her, gulping back hard. “Sorry?”

“You said you were fine and coping. So how are you coping?” She looked up at him with a weird look and he needed to look back down. It was making him queasy.

“I... I don’t know, we’re just hanging out I guess.” He mumbled and picked at his food.

“Is that a new hoodie?”

He tensed and tried to make himself small. “No, it’s Donnie’s…”

“Hm.” She washed back her food with a chug of juice.

His brothers weren’t as tense as he was, but they did look uneasy by her presence. It wasn’t unusual, he was usually the only one trying to hold conversation, and he had been the one to inadvertently invite her to join them. They all kind of wanted to be alone.

“Mikey? You should have let me help, you seemed to have forgotten the eggs.”

‘She knows she knows she knows she knows!’

Raph slammed his head down on the counter to shut the voice in his head up.

There was a pause.

Leo pressed a hand to his back. “You good..?”

He picked his head up sharply and grunted. “Never better.” He started scarfing down the pancakes in as big of bites as he could. Maybe he could finish fast and get out of here.

“I… didn’t make eggs cuz our stomachs are a little too empty for eggs…” Mikey mumbled between bites.

‘She knows he’s lying she knows he’s trying to protect you she knows!’

He clenched his fist around his fork and swallowed hard, staring intensely at his plate. He put his free hand under the table to dig his nails into his thigh instead of hurting his head where she could see it.

Unfortunately Leo noticed and grabbed his hand under the counter to stop him. Which she also noticed.

He slapped his hand away and glared at him.

“Leo what are you doing to your brother?!”

Leo snapped his head up to look at her and he looked like a deer caught in headlights. “Nothing!”

Raph wished he had hair so he could pull it all out.

“Oh for fucks sake, SPLINTER, we are NOT. FUCKING each other!” Donnie shouted as he suddenly stood up and leaned over the counter to glare at her.

Raph looked at him in absolute horror.

Splinters eyes went wide and she looked at him angrily. “What?!”

Donnie growled. “I can see what you’re doing! You keep eyeing Raph up for being too close to us! You’re assuming the worst!” Donnie gestures to him with one hand without turning his gaze away from splinter. “You’re going to give him ANOTHER panic attack!”

Raph clutched his head in his hands, staring wildly at nothing as he curled his upper body over the counter, facing down at the table.

“Donnie!” He heard Mikey yell as another stool scooted back.

“I-I am not assuming anything!” His mother sounded offended and angry.

“Guys.” Leo said sternly.

“You literally asked him about my hoodie! As if it was the weirdest thing in the world for my traumatized rape victim of a brother to request items of clothing!”

“He’s just never worn anything like that before!”

“Gee Splinter I wonder why!”

“Donnie this isn’t your fight!” Mikey yelled and Raph heard a small smack.

“Someone has to fucking fight for that idiot! Everyone’s fucking dancing around it as if we don’t all know what’s wrong!”

Raph was staring at his plate so hard the colours were burning into his brain.

“No one wants to tell me what’s wrong! Everyone comes home from hell and avoids their mother like the plague! And I am just supposed to not fear the worst?! You have no idea all the things I can smell on you boys!”

“Where was that nose THE FIRST TIME ?!” Donnie shouted as it sounded like he slammed both fists on the counter.

"What?!"

He was growling.

“You didn’t smell DAD all over Raph ?!”

Raph stood suddenly, hands still clasped over his ears and he didn’t look at anyone, just kept his head facing the ground as he ran out of the room.

He bolted into the bathroom and proceeded to throw up all of the delicious pancakes he’d enjoyed so much. He couldn’t even have one nice thing.

He heard a gentle knock at the open door and didn’t turn away from the bowl.

“I have some water…” Leo said quietly. He made no effort to step inside.

Raph reached his arm back to take the cup without looking.

Leo passed it to him and stayed in the doorway.

Raph kept staring at the bowl, waiting to see if he had anything left before he chugged water and rinsed his mouth out a few times.

“Thanks…” he mumbled as he grabbed toilet paper to wipe his face with.

“Do you want me to sit with you..?”

Raph kept staring at the bowl. “Yeah…”

Leo walked inside and sat beside him propping up an elbow on his knee. “Can I rub your back?”

“Why are you asking permission ?” Raph looked up at him frustratedly. He was just giving him a sympathetic frown.

“Cuz I think no one is asking how you feel before they decide they know what’s best for you.”

Raph turned back to the bowl, taking in what he meant. “I… thank you…” he sighed, straightening his back out to look at the back of the toilet. He was pretty sure there was nothing left in him, but he just kind of wanted to sit in this quiet moment away from everyone else. Puke or not.

Leo took it upon himself to flush the toilet for him. “If it helps, I’m pretty sure Mikey’s gonna chew Donnie’s ear off for that.”

“What does it matter, he’s not wrong.” Raph sighed.

“It was not his place to shout your bullshit at mom.”

Raph turned to look up at him frustrated. “He’s right though. That’s what hurts.”

Leo frowned and nodded. “He is, but it’s still not his place to talk over you about you. It’s not Mom's place to make you feel like shit about yourself when you’re barely holding on. And it’s not Donnie’s place to decide how you tell mom about your own shit.”

Raph looked away, feeling tears coming. “I was never gonna tell mom. I was… I was literally never ever gonna tell her that …”

Leo scooted closer and leaned his head down to be at eye level with him. “I get that. We all kinda knew that. I’m sorry Donnie did that to you.”

Raph closed his eyes. “You can hug me if you want to…”

He felt Leo pull him in to a loose hug from his side, letting him lean his body against his. “I… I know what Donnie did is fucked but… but I also mean that I was never going to be ABLE to tell mom that…”

Leo hummed and rubbed his shoulder. “You’re half grateful. Half angry.”

He laughed a little. “Yeah… I know it’s.. it’s my fault for saying it was ok for her to join us but… but god, Leo, I feel so bad all the time, she seems lonely and sad and I just.. I can’t look at her and think about what she thinks of me…”

“I mean—“

“And don’t just tell me not to worry about what she thinks.”

There was a pause.

“That’s all you were gonna say.” Raph grumbled and pat Leo’s arm. “I hate that nobody ever gets along, and I hate that I’m stuck in the middle of it…”

“Sounds exhausting.”

“It is! I’m tired and I just want people to fucking… I don’t know.. I’m trying to be okay…”

Leo tugged him closer. “You don’t have to be okay, no one expects you to be okay.”

He sighed and pat Leo’s arm. “I wanna go back in there…”

Leo gently let go of him and stood up, holding his hand out to help him up. He then pointed at the sink. “Maybe one last rinse and spit.”

Raph sighed and leaned over to gargle tap water for a moment before turning and staring up at Leo who gave him a thumbs up.

Leo let him lead the way out of the room.

He was still hearing arguing as he walked towards the kitchen.

“—have any idea how hard this was?!”

“Yes! Because you never shut up about it!”

“Oh that’s kind of you to say!”

“Does it EVER cross your mind how hard WE had it as BABIES?!”

He hovered in the doorway for a moment.

He could see his mother standing on a stool to shout at eye level, Donnie just glaring daggers still in the same spot. Mikey had his arms folded against the counter, the expression on his face looked far older and exhausted than it should have on his sweet face.

“Of course I do! That’s why I needed to get you out of there!”

Raph walked in the kitchen and they all stared at him.

Mikey’s expression softened instantly, he looked worried.

Raph parsed the last thing his mother had said and he turned to look at her, feeling angry for some reason.

“But… you didn’t get us out… I got us out.” He said quietly.

He sensed Leo standing behind him leaning against the door frame.

His mother made a face.

“That’s not fair.” She said as she climbed down of the stool to sit normally. “I found us all a way out, I got us a home.”

“Six years later.” He almost whispered. He wasn’t sure where this was coming from.

Mikey and Donnie were staring at him in awe. Splinter looked offended.

“You know where I—“

“I know where you were. I know why you were gone.” He clenched his fists and took a breath, standing up straight. “I don’t blame you for leaving. Or being gone. I’m sorry. But…” he looked at Mikey, his sweet eyes growing larger. He eyed Donnie, whose guilty look was turning warmer. He looked back at his mother. “But when you were gone bad things happened to us, and no one came to save us."

Her eyes were watering. It made his water too, so he turned his head to look away.

He sensed Leo step in beside him and felt him grab his hand gently.

Raph looked up at him, he was giving him a gentle smile and nodded at him to continue.

Leo had his back.

“I-I know that! And I feel terrible about it every day!”

He looked back at his mom’s tearful eyes.

He gave her a dark glare.

“Did you know dad raped me?”

Her eyes went wide and she didn’t say anything.

He frowned.

“You either didn’t think about how bad we had it, or you knew and didn’t do anything about it. I don’t know which makes me more miserable to think about.”

“Raphael —“

“Stop!” He shouted. She tensed up and he felt guilty instantly, none of them liked a booming voice.

He rubbed his temple with his free hand.

“Stop. We know the therapist was April’s idea. And we know you didn’t let her get one for us before. I understand…” He sighed, “I understand that we were in hiding. That you were scared for us, scared we’d get caught, shipped back there and have the worst thing happen, but… but we could have gotten help years ago! I could have gotten help! I-I shut down mom! I forgot all about it! And you might think that’s good! That makes it all okay cuz I shut it all out but it came back to haunt me!"

Tears were falling down his cheeks, he felt so angry and so miserable and so so justified.

“You said… you told me. When you found me you told me you had been watching us! Trying to watch over us right? What… what did you see dad do that finally pushed you over the edge and made you admit you were there?!”

She looked so pained, so guilty. But he didn’t want to break his stare no matter how much it hurt. He didn’t want to give her a way out.

“Your… the things he wanted to do to you… to your brothers because of you…”

“BECAUSE of me?!” He snatched his hand away from Leo’s to clench both of his fists.

Her tears were free roaming, she balled her fists on the counter.

“Because of how you were born! H-he got opportunity as soon as he found that out! He was going to use them on you ! Because of how you were born!”

Raph shook his head dumbfounded, staring at the ground.

"Because of how I was born…” he repeated. “So it’s.. so it’s my fault guys! Because I was born like this!”

“Raphael, that’s not what I meant!”

He snapped his head up to glare at her. "Isn’t it?! You just said what caused you to finally warn me was learning about that! How did you even learn that?!"

She stared at him for a long while. Crying silently as she tried to find her words.

His muscles were trembling from how tightly wound he felt.

“I… saw you get examined in the lab… I was in the vent, y-you were on the table with your little legs…” she sobbed. “I-I saw what he did… I s-saw you lie there l-like you were asleep…”

Raph felt an icy chill run through his body.

He stood back, staring at her in shock and shaking his head a little.

“You… you saw him do it…”

It wasn’t a question.

Her face answered it anyway. Anguished, guilty, miserable. Sobbing away at the table.

He couldn’t move and she didn’t say anything.

"Mom..." Leo softly whispered beside him.

Donnie kicked his stool over with violent force and marched out of the room.

Mikey was staring at Raph with big wet eyes.

Raph was frozen.

“How… how could you..?” Leo asked her.

She hid her face in her hands, sobbing loudly.

“Y-you couldn’t go back! H-help would have brought attention! You couldn’t go back!” She wailed. “A-and you blocked it all out ! What was I supposed to do?!?!"

“SOMETHING!!!” Mikey screamed suddenly.

They all turned to look at him. He looked more furious than anyone had ever seen him, pure rage in his eyes, sitting up on the counter with his body hunched over, seething.

He shook his head in utter disbelief and got down off the stool, marching over to Raph and taking his hand. “We should leave.” He said seriously and tugged on it.

Raph didn’t want to move.

“H-he tried to do the deed himself Raphael! H-he tried to use himself as the donor first ! H-how could I tell you that?!” She slammed her fists down.

Leo’s hands were on Raph’s shoulders now.

“You… saw dad rape me…”

She kept sobbing. “I-I couldn’t d-do anything to s-stop him!!”

He shook his head slowly and turned his body to face Leo behind him.

“I… I don’t want to talk to you…” he said softly.

Leo stepped around him to hold him from behind and Mikey tugged him once more.

This time he followed.

And just left her crying alone.

They both walked him into the bedroom and sat him down on their pile of beds, Donnie was already here curled up in the corner crying by himself.

Raph just sat very still, his feet still on the ground. He stared into space as someone put a blanket over him, someone else shut the door.

He couldn’t even cry, he felt emotionally comatose and just stared blankly into the wall.

He felt his brothers grab his hands and squeeze them.

“Raph…?” He thinks it was Leo, he couldn’t see.

A soft chirp came from his other side.

He blinked but didn’t look over.

“I… Don’t wake me up…” he mumbled. “I don’t want to feel this…”

They both went quiet, he sensed movement behind him, and then felt all three brothers hugging him on all sides.

He just kept staring at the wall.

“She watched him rape me…” he said quietly again.

The grips got tighter. Someone was sobbing. It could have been all of them. They just held on to him, and it was the only thing he was going to let himself feel.

“If mom watched him rape me, then that means she let him rape me…”

He kept staring. The grooves between the bricks started to glow from how little he’d moved his eyes.

“And if she let him do that, and then… then all these years she should have known what was wrong with me, right..?”

“Raphie…”

He closed his eyes.

He took a deep breath.

And then he just screamed as loud and long as he could. Until his lungs were fully empty and then some.

Then he finally let himself break down.

Chapter Text

Raphs crying fest had lasted well over an hour. They all tried to console him, tried to ease the pain but he just wailed and wailed, occasionally needing to throw things around the room, occasionally needing to curl into a ball and be held.

It was miserable.

But nobody could blame him. His entire world just got flipped upside down.

Leo always knew something was deeply wrong with his relationship with their mom. Maybe as a kid he'd assumed he was just trying to parent too much, but getting older he realized how bad it was for Raph. He was too defensive of her, he would always put his own feelings aside for hers. He had known way too much about what she'd been through at a young age, and he could tell that's partially why he'd blocked his own shit out. He was pretty sure Shredder’s blame for his psyche was only 70%, the rest of the pieces he knew his mother had fucked up somehow.

So this betrayal of trust was just... there were no words.

He’d always wanted his brother to see the light, but not like this. Not by learning that she’d seen the thing that broke him. The thing he never wanted to tell her. The exact thing he repressed for her benefit.

If she knew about it all along and he didn’t? He wasn’t sure Raph would ever forgive her.

At some point it sounded like he ran out of energy, and he was just squatting on the floor with his head in between his knees, no more sound coming out of him.

He eyed Raph carefully. His limbs were shaking from exhaustion, and his eyes were starting to glaze over again.

He looked back towards the bed at Mikey and Donnie, who’d gotten all their own cries out about half an hour ago, they were just watching Raph miserably.

Leo looked back at him and leaned his body over the edge of the bed to rest his elbows on his knees.

Now what? Splinter was still here somewhere, she’d probably heard all of it. Should they just sit here and awkwardly cry about it all day?

That's not fucking fair. They were gonna try to have a good day, and she had to blow it all up in their faces? No. No way. No more shitty days, it's time to make a better one.

He put on a serious face and sat up straight.

“Hey.” He broke the silence. “You guys realize Dad’s dead right?”

Raph barely moved from his spot on the floor, his emotionally vacant eyes locked on to him for a moment.

“So..?” Mikey asked quietly behind him.

Leo stood up. “So, maybe we get the hell outta here. The worst case scenario is gone. There’s no getting shipped back to Dad if we’re spotted, we should get out of this fucking sewer! Go somewhere!”

“Where would we even go?” Donnie asked, sounding curious about the idea.

Leo spun to face them and raised his arms in a dramatic shrug. “Don’t know! Let’s have an adventure, see what happens!” He turned to look at Raph who was still barely moving and kneeled down in front of him.

“Hey Raphie, do you wanna get out of the house?”

His eyes found him somehow and then got nervous. “I… y-you want m-me to l..leave..?” His voice sounded so broken.

Leo frowned and placed a hand on his knee. “No no, big guy, I want us to get some air. Do you want some air?” He gently squeezed his knee.

Raph looked down at the hold and stared for a while. “Y..yeah.. I want air…”

Leo smiled and stood up, holding his hand out. “Cmon, I’ll drive.”

Raph eyed his hand for a while before taking it shakily. Leo couldn’t help but notice how light his touch felt, he was really drained.

He helped him stand and tugged him against his chest when he realized how wobbly he was, then looked back at the twins. “Well?”

Mikey hopped up immediately and rushed over, pumping his fists in the air. “Hell yeah! We’re gonna go fuck shit up!”

Leo laughed.

Donnie stood slowly and looked around the room before finding his knee braces. He was a bit slow putting them on, probably from how strained the last few days had been. So that definitely took the walking idea out of Leo’s head, they’d only take the van anywhere.

Donnie then grabbed extra items of clothing and gave them to Mikey and Leo. “I… I don’t know how much you plan to do, and I know Shredder is dead but… I'd like to be a cautious, still. The… Whole US Government comment is still swimming in my brain...”

Leo smiled and took his own hoodie from Donnie, a large blue pullover and tugged it on. He felt the weight of his vape in the pocket, so that gave him an idea for later if push came to shove. “Good idea, just in case. It is still daytime.”

Mikey beamed as he put on one of Donnie’s nicer hoodies that he’d outgrown, a deep red one.

“Do we… say bye..?” Raph was staring blankly next to Leo.

Leo frowned and blew air out of his mouth. “Hell no, we’re just leaving.” He took Raph’s hand. “Let’s go get you some air.”

He tugged Raph towards him and opened the bedroom door, eyeing the living room carefully for a sign of Splinter and then decided since she had locked herself in her room the space was clear, so he gestured for everyone to follow.

They walked towards the front door and Leo snatched some emergency cash out of a bowl on the bookshelf and led their way to freedom.

The walk through the tunnels was somewhat quiet for a while, Leo had silently ordered Donnie to ride on his back because he didn’t like the look of his walking right now.

Raph was meandering and required Mikey to help tug him down the tunnels to stay focused.

“So, first I’m thinking we do a drive through cuz Raph threw up breakfast.” Leo broke through the silence.

Mikey gasped suddenly and looked up at Raph sadly. “I didn’t know you threw up! Ohh you really liked those, I'm sorry!”

Raph frowned and shrugged, still staring blankly. “I’m sorry I couldn't keep them down, Mikey.. I really wanted to…”

Raph made a face suddenly and whipped his head around, swiping at the air.

Leo winced and stepped beside him. “What did it say?”

Raph eyed him nervously. “I… eating for two bullshit…”

Right. That. Leo almost forgot about that.

Mikey wrapped his arms around Raph’s, hugging his arm.

“Well, regardless of whether the voice is accurate or not, your body needs more calories than it’s getting.” Donnie stated from his back.

Leo wouldn’t let it bring them down. “Yeah, so McDonald’s?” He nudged Raph’s shoulder with his.

Raph stared into space and shrugged. “Okay.”

Leo frowned a little. “What, no big ‘don’t go revealing yourselves to humans' speech? No, ‘Leo, that’s stupid and dangerous’ fight? You love doin’ that!”

Raph shrugged again. “Babies gotta eat…” he mumbled. And then he made an anguished face and stopped. “God… I-I’m sorry…”

Mikey whined and jumped up to wrap his arms around Raph’s neck, gently chirping in his ear. “It’s okay Raph, it’s okay…”

He was covering his face with his hand, he was absolutely trying not to cry.

“Hey, you’re the only baby I’m worried about feeding.” Leo leaned down and kissed his head. “So come on I promise you’ll feel better with some food in you.”

Raph whimpered and held Mikey close for a moment before letting go. “I-I would have rathered your pancakes Mikey I-I’m sorry I couldn’t keep them down…”

Mikey smiled and jumped down, putting his hands on his hips. “You big baby, I don’t blame you for throwing up! It doesn’t matter what you eat right now, I don’t care if it’s worse than my delicious home cooked food.”

Raph laughed a little and shook his body, trying to get his feelings out, probably. “Okay okay, I’m sorry...” He started walking again, Mikey taking his hand.

Leo walked behind him.

“We… do have to talk about that at some point…” Donnie whispered in his ear, quiet enough so only Leo could hear.

Leo frowned and turned his head slightly to whisper back. “Not today. Today he needs to relax. He’s had enough drama for a lifetime today.”

“Leo, Baxter said the drugs could make him lay once a month…”

“Not today.” He repeated.

Raph stiffened in front of him. Shit, had he heard them?

He then whipped his head around and tried to punch the air near them, so Leo dodged out of the way quickly.

Ok. Don’t walk behind Raph.

He stepped beside him and eyed him curiously. “What do those bitchy ghosts want now?”

Raph stared at him sadly. “I… Stockman’s voice saying he was gonna.. D-dissect ‘em…?”

Leo shuddered and frowned. “Did he say that to you?”

Raph looked like he was wracking his brain. “I-I don’t know…”

Leo looked forward and nodded. “Well he said to me he wanted to experiment on them and sell the research to the government. April’s right, it’s good we didn’t kill him if the trail goes that far. Maybe she can dig up more dirt.”

Raph took a shaky breath. “I.. I don’t want to think about what would have happened to them…”

“Which is why your subconscious is making you.” Donnie said from his back. “It’s not real Raph, it’s your most intrusive thoughts trying to make you angry.”

Raph sighed and rubbed his arm. “Yeah... I know.”

Mikey turned back to him. “Okay Raphie, talk about all the things you wanna eat right now.”

Raph looked at him for a moment before giving him a small smile and listing off different foods as they walked to the van.

Leo put Donnie in the front seat and got in the driver's side as Mikey and Raph got in the back.

Raph was still trying to list off foods to keep his mind busy. It was a good idea from Mikey, but the pause in worrying about Raph was now making Leo’s head spin. Donnie was right, they did have to talk about this at some point.

What to do with the fertilized eggs they’d been forced to create together.

They had to get rid of them, that’s the only thought he had about that, but from what Donnie explained, Raph wouldn’t be able to quiet the mothering turtle in the back of his head.

He just hoped it wouldn’t break him worse when they had to do it.

Because that’s the only option they would be doing. He'd do it himself, and it would be over. Easy peasy, no problem!

Donnie poked him out of his thoughts and he glanced at him. He forgot he was driving.

“Huh?”

“You missed the turn.”

Leo looked around. He had driven right by the exit he wanted and shook his head. “My bad. What’s everybody want?”

There was a cacophony of orders hitting him and he couldn’t help but laugh as he made a U-turn to find the place again.

Being that he was such a good leader he was able to parse out what everyone had asked for.

He pulled into the drive through and it was like Raph suddenly became a person again, suddenly remembered they were mutants.

He leaned over to shake Leo’s shoulders. “Wait! What are we doing here?! The humans are gonna see us!” Leo saw his panicked eyes in the mirror and smiled.

“Oh you big baby, you worry too much! Trust me.” He pulled his hood up and the others did the same.

He leaned out the window to order at the radio what was probably way too much food. But fuck it, they needed to just be stupid kids today.

When he pulled his head back in the van he saw Mikey trying to calm Raph down. But not in the way he had been lately, just the old school big brother worry being coaxed to chill out by his baby brother. He couldn’t help but smile.

“We’re gonna end up on the news Leo!” He whispered harshly.

Leo chuckled as he pulled up to the pickup window, handing money over with his two fingered hand with ease.

The girl at the counter barely looked up as she took the cash, but did do a double take a moment later.

She made an annoyed face at Leo. “Please don’t film me. I don’t wanna be on social media, man.”

Leo laughed and smiled apologetically at her. “Nah nah, we’re just cosplayers on our way to a thing. You’re good!”

She sighed loudly in relief and started passing him paper bags full of food which he tossed at Donnie.

“What’s the costume?” She asked as she held out some drinks for him.

“Ugh it’s this weird anime my baby brother likes, I don’t remember the name.”

She laughed and shook her head. “You must really love your brother to go all out for something you don’t even know!”

“Yeah! I must, mustn’t I!” He cackled and nudged Donnie in the arm who grumbled.

“Yes, I am a big nerd with a really nice brother, hooray.” He said loudly, obviously irritated. It was like a performed speech.

Leo took the last drinks from her and grinned big. “Have a really good day, ma’am!”

She laughed and waved him off

He put the drinks in the cupholders and drove away. Looking back he saw Raph shaking his head in disbelief.

“You were way too ready for that…”

Leo just smirked at him. “Who me? I’ve never done anything like this before!”

Raph grumbled and reached his hand over for some food.

Donnie started going through and finding peoples orders for them and passing them out.

Raph took some kind of breakfast sandwich and just dove in, nearly eating the wrapper too. It was good to see him be a person again.

Leo looked around, he was just aimlessly driving now. “Now where to, kids?”

Donnie had his phone out as he was eating hash browns without looking. “I think there’s a park nearby? Kids will be in school so it should be mostly empty.”

Raph was grumbling between his bites of food. “That doesn’t sound empty enough, we’re still mutants.”

Mikey was laughing with his mouth full of a breakfast wrap. “You worry too much, humans always think we’re just big nerds!”

Raph's eyes went wide as he looked at Mikey, and then he snapped his head up to look at Leo in the mirror. “What does he mean ALWAYS?”

Leo sucked in through his teeth and stared at the road with a playfully tight smile. “Bwuhhhh, I don’t know what he means by that!”

Raph gripped his own mask tails and pulled hard on them. “Oh I’m so going to kill you…” He grumbled.

Mikey seemed to enjoy Raph’s worrying and went to hold up his ice coffee for him with a smile.

Raph took it and hunched his shoulders as he sipped away grumpily.

Donnie pointed him where to go and they parked in a lot, it was really pretty and green here, they were under a lot of shade from the trees. It was a cloudy day, so no one was really here.

Raph stared out the window anxiously.

Leo would take the twins out on day trips sometimes, it was rare but it was memorable. They were in hiding, but Leo realized quickly that the Shredder's influence didn’t stretch very far outside of Manhattan, so they’d usually just go to festivals or something. People here really minded their business for the most part.

He was smart enough to have a ‘no picture’ policy though. Making sure they’d go out in more clothes and facemasks to be safe. He wasn't stupid.

But Shredder was dead. So it didn’t really matter anymore.

Leo stepped out of the car and took some of the food with him, Donnie carrying the rest.

He eyed Raph in the window and gave him a reassuring smile. He could see Mikey coaxing him to open the door.

Eventually he did, but made no effort to move out of his seat as he looked up at Leo cautiously.

“Leo, what if we get caught..?”

“Hey, we look like nerdy teenagers skipping school on a weekday. It’s gonna be okay, trust me.” He held his hand out.

Raph kept staring at him for a while before sighing and taking it, letting him help him get out of the car, Mikey following him.

Donnie was carrying a blanket with him, Leo laughed at his over preparedness.

“Come on, we’ll go somewhere secluded, far away from anyone else who comes. But trust me, humans are a lot more self involved than you think.” He started marching into the park with confidence, and he was sure it was working to calm Raph’s nerves.

He wasn’t going to let him worry today. He was gonna let him be a dumb fucking teenager for once in his god damn life.

Chapter Text

Leo spotted an area to the side under a large tree and pointed at it to Donnie, who threw the blanket down.

They all sat and piled their fast food on it in the center.

Raph was looking around wildly, twitching slightly whenever he heard a car.

Leo placed his hand on Raph’s back. “You feel that cool breeze, Raph? Can you hear the birds? Smell the grass!” He took a deep breath to show by example.

Raph looked at him nervously and then looked around, taking it all in. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “It does smell kinda nice…” He opened his eyes and looked up at the cloudy sky. “I kinda hope it rains…”

“I think the smell actually indicates it will, though I don’t understand why you’d wish for that. We already live in the damp wet storm drains.”

Raph smiled a little and sipped his coffee. “Yeah, but fresh rain? From the sky? That’s different.”

Mikey rested his back against Raph’s side and grinned up at him. “I like it! We could go jumping in puddles or something!”

Raph laughed softly and smiled down at their baby brother.

Leo laughed as he watched them, digging into his own order and munching away. Donnie decided to use the tree as a back rest and eat silently beside him.

He looked back at Donnie and gave him a smile. “Can you play some music maybe?”

Donnie nodded and started playing music from his phone, taking off his headphones to act as a speaker. It wasn’t too loud and the quality wasn’t great, but it worked. He put on Under Pressure, they all knew Raph liked that song for some reason.

“I really felt safe when I first heard this…” Raph mumbled softly between bites of food.

“When was that?” Leo asked.

Raph looked up at him confused. “You don’t remember? It’s… it’s what April was playing in the car when we met her.”

Leo shrugged, going back to eating. “I probably just couldn’t hear shit over the snoring Donnie did.”

Donnie scoffed and chucked a loose twig at him.

Raph was staring at the speakers with a far away look in his eye.

“I guess it just used to sound like freedom to me, like the first time I ever felt safe…”

Leo gave him a little smile, but he wasn't really looking back. He was glad Donnie put it on regardless, maybe this was one of those things Donnie just paid more attention to than him.

“So… do you guys go out without me a lot?” Raph asked after a while.

Leo frowned and gulped down his food. It had been a while, but it had been a habit from when he didn’t get along with Raph.

“I… I mean we have… but mainly when you were sleeping in all day.” Or on a day he and Mom would both piss them off. But he figured he shouldn’t mention Mom right now.

Raph nodded and tugged on the pant legs of his sweatpants. “As long as you were being safe…”

Leo frowned. He was still trying to think parentally. He’d thought he’d been mad about being excluded, but he was still just worrying the same way Mom would.

Not very stupid teenager like. But maybe he had a solution for that.

Leo threw a wrapper at him.

He looked up and pouted.

Leo smirked back. “Do you wanna know what I have in this hoodie pocket?”

Raph squinted at him.  “Do I?”

Mikey looked between them curiously.

Donnie seemed to know where this was going and shook his head.

Leo stuck his hand in his pocket and pulled out his vape.

Raph stared at it confused and looked up at his face. “What is that?”

Leo shook his head playfully and tutted. “Raphael, this is a weed pen. And I want you to take a hit.”

Raph’s eyes widened and he recoiled. “I-I can’t do that! Why do you even have that!”

Leo smiled knowingly.

Raph looked at Mikey and Donnie who seemed unsurprised by this. He was clearly starting to gather what Leo would do when he was out without him.

“I really thought Casey was cool enough that you’d have gotten high before.”

Something twitched in Raph’s expression and he looked away, staring into space with a more forlorn looking face.

Shit. What was that?

Leo coaxed him to take the pen. “Raph c’mon, let’s have fun today. You need help relaxing.”

“Leo stop…” He was looking down at the blanket, gripping it idly in a hand to avoid looking up at him.

“Come on man, I won’t even hit it to make sure you’re safe. I got you.”

“I-I can’t do that Leo…” he mumbled.

“What are you scared of?” Leo asked him, leaning over trying like hell to make him more playful.

Raph looked up at him with teary eyes.

Oh fuck.

“He’s with fucking child, you idiot.” Donnie stated beside him. His eyes snapped to Donnie to glare at him before turning back to Raph worriedly.

Raph just stared the pen. There was a new intensity to his gaze, no longer scared of the device. Maybe it was out of spite.

He reached out to take it from him. “No. To hell with that.” He examined the pen.

Leo grinned and got closer to help him, showing him which end to inhale from.

“Okay, just breathe it into your lungs slowly, then out. Don’t need to hold it in.”

Raph took a long drag, Leo could see his eyes watering as it went down, trying like hell not to cough.

He then coughed it back out in Leo’s face with a wheeze.

“Fuck.” He croaked.

Leo laughed and put it away. “You good?”

Raph coughed into his fist and took some deep breaths, then relaxed his shoulders. “Ugh… yeah, thank you…”

Out of the corner of his eye he could see Donnie glaring at him. He elected to ignore it.

Raph looked up at the sky again and flopped onto his shell, stretching his arms out.

Leo leaned over him. “Feelin’ good, big man?”

Raph shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m always spacey, how will I know if it worked?”

“Just give it a bit.” He sat beside Raph and leaned back on his hands.

Donnie was still glaring at him.

Leo smirked. “You want a hit too, Don?” He waved the pen around tauntingly.

Donnie just grumbled and went back to looking at his phone.

“You can’t give that to them, they’re only little!” Raph chastised.

Leo snorted and looked down at him, he was pouting. “Buddy, this is hardly the worst thing they could get in their system lately.”

“Doesn’t it hurt kids' brain development?”

“Raph, I got news for you about you being a kid too.”

Raph whined and pressed both hands to his head. “Yeah but my brain’s already broken. Don’t give that to them! Have you given that to them before?”

Mikey flopped onto Raph’s stomach and pat his plastron. “It’s okay Raphie, Leo never lets us. He’s just kidding.”

Raph peaked up at him and pouted, wrapping his arms around him. “He better be.”

Raph looked up at Donnie who was still ignoring Leo and frowned.

“Donnie.” He said sternly and reached out to poke his leg.

Donnie was startled and eyed Raph, his expression softening. “Huh?”

“You promise Leo’s just kidding?”

“About what?”

“The drugs. I don’t want baby brains getting fucked up.”

Donnie frowned and stared at him. “I… it’s not good for babies if the mother does drugs, no…”

Leo snapped his head to look at him and stared at him hard, shaking his head. The fucking idiot.

Donnie noticed and tensed, looking away.

Raph just lay flat and stared at the sky again. “You weren’t listening.” He said softly. He didn’t sound as upset as Leo was expecting.

Maybe the weed was helping.

“You guys are thinking about the eggs more than you’re saying, aren’t you?” He breathed out slowly.

Leo looked at Donnie, he shook his head to tell him not to press, but Donnie furrowed his brows and gave Leo a serious look back.

“Raph, do you want me to be honest? Or do you want Leo to keep ignoring the issue?” Donnie asked plainly without dropping eye contact with Leo.

Oh he was gonna kill him.

“Just be honest, I’m sick of the fucking lies in this family…” Raph mumbled. It made Leo look over and he saw Mikey laying against him sideways in the crook of his arm. He was idly petting his back.

The weed was probably working now, but this wasn’t what he wanted it for.

“I’m worried about the egg situation, Raph.” Donnie said plainly.

Mikey grumbled against him and shot Donnie a dirty look. “I don’t care about it at all.” He said. “Who the hell cares about stupid eggs? Raph’s what’s important.”

Donnie glared back. “I care because we don’t have any idea when they’ll pop out, Stockman drugged you and said you could lay once a month! That sounds way too fast considering you only lay every 6 normally! And if these ones are… aren’t duds ?!”

Raph huffed loudly. “Leo. What do you think?”

Leo frowned. He was avoiding thinking about it. It was the worst thing about this situation and had the lowest priority in his mind. The compartmentalizing he needed to do to focus on getting Raph, his brothers, and himself out and home and calm had left no room for the fact that Raph had been impregnated. By them. He needed to ignore it to get them home. And then his mother had blown everything else up.

“I… I think I don’t want to worry about it right now.” He said after a minute.

Donnie scoffed. “We don’t get what we want here, Leo! What we want was thrown out the window the second we got locked in those cages!”

Leo glared at him. “Why do you care more about this than Raph!? It’s not your body, it’s his!” He was getting angry, why the fuck was Donnie trying to make today worse?

Donnie growled loudly and clutched his head. “You fucking idiots ! Have you never seen how he gets about the DUDS?! No of course not! It’s only me paying attention! He GRIEVES them! And they’re not even REAL! Neither of you want to admit that if he lays them before we talk about what to do about it he’s going to be COMPLETELY unable to consent on what to do about them!”

Leo just stared at him. He was panting from his outburst. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Mikey staring at Donnie sombrely.

What he could see of Raph was just staring at the sky. He had no response to it, but his eyes weren’t glazed over. He wasn’t sure if he was actually calm or just not listening.

And then he laughed. So they all looked at him.

“Raph..?” Mikey tapped him gently.

He kept laughing.

Leo scooted closer and stared at him worriedly. His eyes were closed and he had a big dopey smile on his face.

“You guys know how funny this is? Dad told me for years this would happen and I never worried about this part, I never had to! They were HIS kids, you know? He wanted ‘em. He made ‘em for himself. And now he’s dead and now suddenly it’s up to me? For the first time in my life, it’s my body, not his…” He sighed. “And that’s just so funny.”

Leo gently reached out to rub his shoulder. “Raph, it’s always been your body…”

Raph opened his eyes to laugh at him loudly. “No it hasn’t, Leo! Look at me!” He patted his stomach. “This was never mine to do what I wanted with! And suddenly it’s my responsibility! That’s so funny!”

Donnie glared at Leo again. “We can’t even have a conversation about what he can consent to cuz YOU wanted to get him high.”

“Donnie, will you stop?” Mikey asked. “It’s not helping to be mad at Leo.”

Donnie’s eye narrowed and he pulled his legs up to hug his knees. “I don’t know who it helps to be mad at, I’m just mad…” he mumbled.

Leo’s eyes softened and he rubbed his temples. “Donnie, you’re not wrong, okay? I get where you’re coming from. But today has been.. ugh, more emotionally draining than yesterday somehow. I just wanted Raph to have a fucking…” he growled. “I’m trying to take care of Raph right now. No one’s been doing it, and you wanna drag him back into the bad shit! Give him a day off, man!”

Donnie looked at him miserably. “I… I don’t know how many days we have before he pops Leo… you don’t get it, they said he could lay EVERY month, not IN a month…”

“Pffft, Donnie I’m not popping today, calm down. I’ll tell ya if I start feeling queasy or anything, I promise…”

Raph was definitely high now.

“Raphie, you threw up this morning.” Mikey said gently, raising a brow at him.

“Yeah but that’s different. Don’t worry about it, Raphie’s not having babies today okay?”

Leo sighed and tapped his fingers against his knee a few times. “It doesn’t matter what we discuss, Raph isn’t raising any more fucking kids he didn’t ask for. That’s final.” He said darkly.

He sensed Donnie and Mikey look at him but he just stared at Raph, who was calmly smiling at the sky.

“Leo… if Raph reacts the way he does, how do you think OUR turtle brains are going to react to those eggs being ours…?” Donnie asked it so softly. The question at the back of Leo’s mind he was ignoring most.

The fact that somewhere in the back of his mind his horrible animal genes felt proud of what they’d done to his brother made him sick.

“Then we’ll ask April or Casey or something. I don’t fucking care Donnie. Just drop it.”

“See! That’s something you’d need to PLAN for!” Donnie sounded annoyed again. “Plan ahead! Which means talking! The thing you refuse to do!”

“Donnie!” Leo barked at him.

Donnie growled again, but this time it sounded more animalistic. He chanced a look at Donnie and something was strange about his expression.

And then he pounced on him and pinned him to the ground.

Leo was too stunned to react as he had his arms pinned to the blanket and was currently snarling in his face.

“If you can’t take care of Raph, I will!”

Leo blinked and growled back, rolling him over so he was on top. The action probably hurt so he tried not to put too much weight on him. “Donnie, that's ENOUGH! What the fuck is wrong with you!?”

He was struggling under him, grumbling and glaring.

“Leo!” Mikey shouted from behind him, he couldn’t look up, he was too busy trying to hold Donnie down.

“You won’t do what’s best for Raph, you're NOT fit to be in charge of this!” Donnie was growling as he tried to fight back.

“Guys stop fighting!” Mikey yelled again.

“No one’s fucking in charge Donnie! It’s Raph’s fucking choice not yours!"

"You’re the one keeping him drugged and not letting him talk about it!”

Leo felt Mikey shove into him suddenly from the side, knocking him off Donnie onto his back beside him. He looked up to glare at Mikey but Mikey just stood tall over them both, glaring furiously.

“You ASSHOLES! Look at Raph right now!”

He pointed at their brother, who had moved backwards from them and had tugged the hood up and tightened it so he couldn’t see. His knees were curled inside the hoodie and his arms weren’t in the sleeves. He was like a real turtle hiding in his shell.

Leo’s eyes softened and he sat up. “Raphie..?”

Mikey kicked him. “You’re both so fucking stupid!” He then kicked Donnie for good measure. “You keep talking about his stupid pheromones or your own stupid genes! You’re BOTH giving off fucking territorial turtle right now! So STOP IT!”

Leo shared a look with Donnie who looked equally as horrified.

Surely it had only been normal anger. But Leo suddenly couldn’t deny the smell in the air. The smell of a scared female.

The smell of a scared MATE…

And with that thought popping into his head he wanted to throw up again.

A more horrifying thought occurred, which was what had set that off. And whether they were giving off their own smell to Raph.

He shook off the feeling so he could inch closer to Raph.

“Hey, big brother…” He soothed as he sat beside him. “Everything’s okay, are you okay..?” He really didn’t smell okay, and Leo had no idea what it meant that he knew that. He hadn't smelled him earlier.

Raph peaked his eyes out of the tightened hood to stare at him nervously.

“Y-you’re fighting over me…” he wasn’t asking.

Leo frowned and looked back at Donnie who was just sitting there looking queasy. “We’re not fighting, right Donnie?”

Donnie looked at him with sad eyes and shook his head. “We’re not fighting…” he said quietly.

Leo looked back at Raph and smiled softly. “See? It’s okay. We’re all okay.”

Mikey went to sit on Raph’s other side and hug his arm, he chirped softly in his ear which made Raph whine and hug him tightly.

God. Would that happen to them if this continued? Would they react just as strangely to each other’s noises?

Leo was suddenly hoping the eggs would be laid today after all, just so he could break them all himself for doing this to them.

Raph let go of Mikey to grab Leo’s shoulders. His pupils were pretty dilated and he wasn’t sure if that was from the weed or the turtle.

“Don’t fight over me. That’s way scarier than anything else, okay? That’s scary like dad watching us scary.”

Leo frowned and put his hands on Raph’s, rubbing them softly. “I’m sorry we scared you… I promise we’re not fighting over you, you’re just our brother and we’re both trying to help…”

Raph shook his head and looked down. “N-no… no you can’t lie, I said don’t lie…”

Leo gripped his face to make him look up. “Hey. I’m not lying.”

Raph’s eyes watered and he shook his head again. “I-I can smell it…” he whispered.

Leo took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He then looked over at Donnie and held his hand out to him.

Donnie stared at it before shakily taking it and inching himself to sit beside Leo across from him. He put a hand on Raph’s arm. “We’re not fighting over you Raph, we’re okay. I’m sorry.”

Raph stared between them nervously. “I-it… there’s a horrible turtle brain in my head on top of the ghosts now…”

Leo winced and cupped Raph’s cheek. “Talk to us, tell us what’s going on in that head of yours.”

Raph looked at him nervously. “The… the turtle brain in me is scared I have to.. to choose between mates right now… a-and the voices are having a field day… b-but I’m too loopy to hear it clearly…”

Leo sighed and dropped his head. “God I’m sorry… I just wanted you to chill out for a day.”

Donnie frowned and wrapped his arms around Raph, hugging him tight. “I’m sorry, I’m overthinking this and I’m taking it out on you. Please don’t feel scared, we’re not males fighting over you I promise, we’re just both worried about you in our own ways…”

Leo could see Raph’s eyes water over Donnie’s shoulder as he hugged him back.

“You’re always tryina look out for me Don, I know…”

“Is… does it still.. smell like we’re fighting..?” Leo asked carefully.

Raph looked at him nervously. “No.. but… god Leo, I… I really hated how that felt...”

Leo nodded slowly. He hated how he felt. Raph still seemed scared, maybe Donnie was more right than he’d realized.

One turtle playing animal instinct parent was enough, if all four of them started acting out if those eggs were laid…

“So.. we should talk about it then, shouldn’t we…” he finally said. “Cuz I… I don’t want this to get worse.”

Donnie pulled away from hugging Raph and the four of them sat in a circle, legs crossed, sitting knee to knee.

Mikey looked up at Raph. “You should say what you think, it’s your body…”

Raph looked between them and then held his stomach. “I… I really haven’t thought about it, I really always thought… I’ve been mentally prepared for this, but not having to…” He closed his eyes. “I don’t want your kids, guys… I-I really don’t know what I’m gonna be like when they pop out, but I don’t want them right now…” He opened his eyes to look at them teary eyed. “I…I don’t know what to do… it… it’s gonna hurt so bad if we have to crush them, and it feels.. ugh in some horrible part of my brain it feels wrong to do that…”

Donnie put his hand on his knee. “You don’t have to feel ashamed for feeling bad about it, okay? Of course it feels bad. Your body’s been readying that for you for years, making you experience what are essentially human miscarriage after miscarriage… your dumb dumb turtle brain really wants this, but it’s not you Raph…”

Mikey sighed and leaned against Raph. “I don’t care what happens to them, I just want you to be okay…”

Raph sniffed and looked down at him. “You.. you really have no opinion on this, Mikey..? Some… some of them will be yours, y-you get that right…?”

Mikey shook his head and closed his eyes. “They’re not mine Raph. They’re Dad’s. I think that’s the easiest way to put it, I don’t want Dad’s kids. Enough shitty adults have fucked us up for a lifetime, I’d rather…” he hesitated. Leo saw something in his eye, like he was putting on a brave face as he looked back up at Raph seriously. “I’d rather they not have to deal with life at all. It’s.. easier that way.”

Raph hugged his stomach tighter and nodded.

And then he looked at Leo.

And Leo had to say something.

He scratched his chin and looked down. “Raph, I… there’s this horrible thing inside me that-- I feel really shitty about this okay, I know it’s not me... This thing is proud of what I did, it’s excited to see these eggs hatch… and I feel like fucking shit about it. I’ve been trying to push that away all day.”

Raph laughed a little and wiped his teary eyes. “Y-yeah I figured… but you’re not alone, my shitty turtle brain is too happy about this…”

“I know what needs to be done, and I was ready to be the one to do it until now… now I’m scared I’ll get cold feet. Or worse… so Donnie’s right, we should have someone who’s aware and able to… take care of it for us.”

Raph sighed and looked down at his stomach. “So we’re gonna get help from someone to crush them… everyone agrees..?” He looked up at them to see their answers, he looked somewhat pained.

They all nodded.

He sighed and leaned back on his hands. “I really wish I could just get an abortion… I wish I wasn’t… ugh…”

Mikey leaned against him and hugged him around his middle. “I know… You’re gonna be okay, Raph…”

“So…” Donnie was holding out his phone. “Do you want to ask Casey…?”

Raph barked out a panicked laugh and shook his head fast. “No! I never want her to see a NORMAL egg! No way!”

Leo tilted his head and rubbed the back of his neck. “That leaves April or Mom..”

They all looked at each other.

“So April.”

“Yeah, April.”

Raph frowned and stared at the ground between them. “It would have been mom before…” he mumbled. “Whenever I got the nerve up to tell her…”

“Raph, I think you’re a little done trusting mom with stuff. We need a real adult.” Leo said.

Donnie tapped his phone on his knee. “So… this still would leave us needing to figure out when Raph is likely to be due…” he looked up at him.

Leo sighed. "Alright, brainiac, when do you think that is?"

“As far as I’ve researched it takes turtles 3-6 weeks for eggs to go from fertilized to laid… so for you with your twice the speed of a turtle, I would guess a week or three..? But this doesn’t account for whatever Stockman drugged you with that was going to turn your speed up to 6 times as fast…”

Raph was clearly trying to count in his head, but it wasn’t working. Too high.

Leo's mind was clear though, and he could count. His eyes went wide.

“6 weeks but 12 times as fast is… like 3 days Donnie…”

Donnie looked at him with a frustrated pout and did a big shrug, as if to say “duh”, without fighting him.

“Do you see the issue of the timing? I’d say that’s our lowest estimate. Anywhere from now until a month from now.”

They all looked at Raph. He looked down and felt his stomach.

“It’s… it’s not today, I’ll tell you if I think I feel anything…”

They all eyed him worriedly anyway.

“So… are we saying the plan is to wait until he lays them and call April, or does someone need to have the awkward conversation..?" Mikey asked.

Leo sighed and raised his hand. “I’ll do it, I’ll call her now just gimme the phone.”

Donnie handed it to him with a breath of relief. He obviously didn't want to.

Leo took it and stood, going to lean against the other side of the tree to get some privacy.

He found April’s number and called it.

It only had to ring once before she answered.

“You guys okay?” She asked immediately.

Leo laughed a little at how fast she was at asking that.

“Yeah April, it’s not… an emergency exactly, I mean maybe it’s not. But… look something happened with Mom, can you talk right now?”

“You know I’ve always got time for you, bud.” He could hear her smile through the phone.

He took a deep breath. “Look, you know that whole… Raph’s pregnant thing? Well, he wanted mom to help him deal with it, but Mom kinda…”

How should he even say this? He rubbed his finger and thumb over his closed eyes.

“She kinda admitted the worst thing in the world to Raph and he doesn’t trust her anymore… which I’d be way more happy about if we didn’t.. need an adult for something…?”

He heard her take a deep breath. “Yeah man, I get that… I just think I’m not gonna be much mutant birthing coach help.”

He blinked. “Oh. No no no, it’s not that, it’s.. ugh, the way this is gonna have to work is he’s gonna lay those eggs and we’re gonna have to crack them. Only problem is something’s still… wrong with us, and I have a feeling our shitty turtle brains aren’t gonna let us do it…”

He heard shuffling and a pause.

“Leo, have you considered talking to Big Mama about this?”

He frowned and leaned his head back against the tree. “Should I? She’s just here to help our brains, right?”

“She’s got a lot she can do. She really does come from a whole other world and she might be able to get you a different option. Cuz Jesus, Leo, you kids are talking about doing more stuff that could keep messing with you mentally. And if you need me I’ll be there, but maybe see if there’s a better option first, okay..?”

Leo gently tapped his head against the tree. “Yeah… yeah okay. Can you send her number over?”

“You got it.” He felt the phone buzz from a text. “Hey Leo..? Do you wanna tell me what happened with your mom..?”

Leo sighed and sunk down to sit on the ground. “It’s… you know I was yelling at you about Mom maybe knowing what happened to Raph..?”

She sucked in a breath.

“So yeah, definitely knew but for the worst reason… Raph’s kinda… he’s not taking it well, I’m tryina get him out of the house…”

“God Leo, I’m sorry…”

He felt wetness on his cheek and wiped it. “It’s fine… we just, you know, need a new solution…” he rubbed his eyes. “But I’ll call her, thank you…”

“Let me know if anything happens okay? Keep me in the loop and I’ll be there in a second if you need anything.”

“Thanks April, I’ll text you later.”

They said their goodbyes and went to look at the message on the phone for the Doctor's number.

He peeked his head around the tree to look back at his brothers, who were gently messing around on the picnic blanket. Raph still looked high so they were poking him to see if he felt it, at least they weren't all spiralling. At least he'd done something right.

He tucked back behind the tree and called the number.

“Big Mama’s office, how can I help you?”

Oh. That’s a little weird of an official name.

“Um, hi I’m calling to try and talk to uh… my therapist? Big Mama..?”

“What’s your name? Do you have an appointment?”

“Uh Leo, I don’t have an appointment. It's… kind of an emergency? Or like.. I really need advice?”

“Hold please.”

He heard strange music he’d never heard coming from the phone for a while.

He wasn’t even sure what he was doing, it was making him anxious. He really wanted a hit of his weed but he knew to stay clear headed for his brothers right now.

The music stopped.

“So she’s actually willing to give you an opening she has right now if you have an emergency, would you like to come down to the office?”

Leo blinked and laughed a little. “Uh… I don’t think we can, we’re not uh… public facing people…”

“Oh no no, not the human office. The hidden one.”

Leo stared blankly and furrowed his eyebrows. “The… hidden one… where would I find that?”

There was a buzz on the phone again.

“Here I’ve sent you directions to the nearest door. You’ll go to this alley, press on the door on the wall, and in you come. Very simple portal spell, don't worry.”

Portal spell..?

“Uh… okay, that sounds good, thank you…”

“Sure! If you show up in 10 minutes you’ll have an hour with her max. So don’t keep her waiting!”

The line hung up and he stared at the phone in utter confusion. He then looked over the directions.

Sure did seem to be a random alley.

He came out from behind the tree and looked at his brothers.

“So… April told me Big Mama could help us? Impromptu therapy session..? She’s… inviting us to her office right now.”

They all stared at him confused.

“Leo, we can't go to an office!” Raph yelled.

He gave the phone back to Donnie. “Apparently this one we can. It’s… not for humans?”

Mikey jumped up and started gathering their trash. “Secret mutant office for mutants! Hell yeah!”

Donnie stood and rolled up the blanket. “I don’t know if she was a mutant, Mikey.”

“Whatever it is, it's a place we get to go!”

Raph stared up at Leo worriedly but he gave him a reassuring smile and held his hand out.

“I think you need to talk to her anyway…”

Raph sighed and took his hand.

Chapter Text

They all walked back to the car to deposit their trash and picnic blanket, and Leo pointed to an alley across the road.

It started to rain hard as they crossed the street and it was soaking into their clothes, making them huddle together for warmth.

They stood at the entrance of the alley for a moment, huddling together and Leo looked around.

“They said to push on a door, I don’t see a door here.” he said over the rain.

Mikey jumped up and rushed over to some graffiti. “Is it this?” They inched closer to him as he pressed on a painting of a door, and then suddenly it started to glow, making him step back. Leo held him by the shoulders as they all watched the wall glow and then a large white square was shining in front of them, giving off a warm draft.

“Magic door…?” Raph asked gently, clearly in awe.

Donnie reached out to touch the light and recoiled, looking up at Leo. “There’s… it’s a hole, your fingers go right through…”

Leo put a hand on the back of both Donnie and Raph’s shells and gave them a pat, Mikey still standing in front of them. “Let’s just step in together then. Ready?”

They all nodded and he gave them a push.

There was a strong nauseating feeling of vertigo as they stepped out of cold wet echoey pavement into warm dry shag carpet that hadn’t been there before. They all took a second to adjust. The white noise of the rain was gone, replaced with soft elevator music. And the look of this place..?

It was bright, warmly lit. Burgundy shag carpets and bright orange walls with dark wood trim, there were bright purple leather couches laid out in front of them gave off the appearance of a waiting room lost to time. The room was vast, too tall to be normal, weirdly dated, and too fancy and rich.

Rich always gave Leo a bad vibe.

Leo looked around, there was a desk to the side with one… very strange looking woman sitting at it. She was blue, with bright purple hair.

Raph was clinging to him, and Leo suddenly realized how wet and cold they all felt in here, and these carpets didn’t exactly look good for getting wet from dirty turtle feet.

“Um, hi!” He called out to the woman at the desk.

She looked over and her eyes widened. “Oh! You poor kids, hold on stay there!” She fiddled with something on her desk.

They all looked at each other, not sure what to make of this. And then a warm feeling of air ran over their bodies. And in 2 seconds they were completely dry again.

Donnie looked around wildly, trying to spot a hidden mechanism. “What was that?! Some kind of hidden full body hand dryer?!”

The receptionist laughed a little and shook her head. “Just a quick drying spell. Come here, let’s get you checked in.”

Leo hesitated before pushing them forward to walk up to the counter.

“Names?”

“Uh, I’m Leo. I think we talked earlier on the phone?”

She looked them all over and smiled big. “Oh of course! Your Big Mama’s new favorite pro bono clients of course!”

Raph whispered something to Donnie and he rolled his eyes.

“For free, or cheap.”

Leo rubbed the back of his neck. “I... where are we right now?”

She blinked and tilted her head. “Big Mama’s office in the Hidden City? Oh. She said you all weren’t from around here… We’re in a secret city under New York full of others just like us. No humans down here!”

Leo felt like he needed to sit down to take that in. But instead he just shook it off and pulled his brothers closer. He’d think about it later, it wasn’t important, he had a mission.

“Okay. Is Mama available now?”

She clasped her hand over her mouth. “Oh yeah! Sorry, of course. You should head right in, she’s ready for you.” She gestured to a big ornate wooden door with gold trim across the room.

It seemed like a lot for a therapist's office but Leo supposed he’d never seen a real one.

“Thank you!” He called out as he pushed his brothers over.

“What the hell does she mean Hidden City?!” Donnie whispered harshly.

“We’ve been above a magic town this whole time?!” Mikey whispered back.

Leo gently flicked them both in the back of their heads. “Let’s try and be polite here okay?”

They opened the big ornate door and stepped into an even cozier room than before. There was a large dark wood desk with a high backed plush chair behind it against an enormous window with a view of Manhattan behind that. But they’d been nowhere near this area of Manhattan minutes earlier.

There was a chaise lounge to the side, and a fancy arm chair across from it with a coffee table full of treats between.

“Oh there you all are!” It sounded like it came from the ceiling and they all looked up. It was an extremely high ceiling that wasn’t lit so they couldn’t see the top of it, but it didn’t look like anyone was there.

Turning back down Mama was now sitting in the armchair near the treats, giving them a sweet smile.

“Hello boys, would you like a cookie?”

None of them moved.

“How.. How did you do that? You weren’t there a second ago…” Donnie said, bewildered.

She laughed softly and smiled, a strange glow about her eyes. “I’m sure you’ve figured out there’s something a little more… magical going on here.” She gestured to the lounge across from her. “Come sit.”

Mikey didn’t need to be asked twice before running over and diving into the treats on the table.

Leo groaned and followed him, giving him a nudge in the side with his elbow. “Come on, I just said be polite.”

Raph and Donnie eyed each other before wandering over and sitting down beside him.

“It’s quite alright if you eat all of these, I can have more made in a jiffy.”

Leo eyed her up and down. “You’re a strange therapist…”

She laughed and crossed her legs, leaning back. “I am. So, what brings you by today?”

Leo looked at Raph, and then back at Mama. “It’s… kind of a lot. But April said you could help us with… Raph’s problem?”

Her smile faded and she nodded knowingly. “Of course, absolutely, in any way I can. What’s brought this on?”

Raph sighed and leaned forwards, clasping his hands together as he hung his head. “My mom… she knew my dad raped me the whole time… she said she watched him do it, and I just.. I can’t trust her with this anymore, and I’m scared…”

She leaned forward to pass him a cookie. “I’m so sorry Raphael.”

He stared at it for a while before taking it and started nibbling at it. “I… I need my brothers to be okay, cuz trying to talk about what to do about the eggs made them start… ugh, they got territorial over me.”

Leo rubbed the back of his neck as Mama glanced between them.

“You believe this is some latent animal gene making you behave aggressively?”

He went to talk but Donnie beat him to it. “Yes, and I truly think if our terrible animal bodies get a sight of these laid eggs we’re going to be unable to actually break them when we need to.”

She blinked at the word break, but then nodded and wrote something down on her notepad. “When is he due?”

Leo felt Raph wince and rubbed his back. “We don’t know. He’s… our genes are weird. Raph lays every 6 months, but the scientist was giving him drugs to move it up to every 1, and we don’t know how human or turtle this is gonna turn out… our best guess is between now and a month from now…” Leo admitted as he kept rubbing his shell.

“Well, I could have my own doctor look him over, if it would ease your mind. While we don’t have record of your species, we are quite good at adapting, and love gaining new knowledge. Would you like that Raphael?”

Raph looked up at her with big eyes. She looked so kind. “I… I’m really bad with doctors…”

She smiled sadly and leaned forward to place a hand on his knee. “Of course, it wouldn’t be invasive. We have ways of doing things without touching, and I won’t let you leave your brothers’ sights.”

He looked at her for a while before nodding. “Yeah, okay…”

She smiled and stood up to make what was probably a phone call, but whatever she picked up didn’t look like a phone to him.

Mikey looked back at Leo. “I don’t like this. Why are we here Leo?”

He furrowed his brows and rubbed Mikeys head. “Relax Mike, she’s gonna help.” Leo tried. He was’t sure about this either, but he was trying to ignore his own anxieties for Raph right now.

“I don’t want more doctors poking around him!” Mikey whisper-yelled.

Raph nudged him gently and churred in his ear. “It’s okay, just hold my hand during it Mikey…”

That seemed to calm Mikey down somewhat.

Mama turned back to them and smiled. “My medical doctor is going to come up and check you over, we should know more soon and then we can discuss the best options for you.”

Raph grabbed Mikey’s hand and squeezed it. “Thank you…”

She gave him a smile and sat back down at her desk, pressing a button for an elevator door to open across from them. A tall pink goat looking man stepped out wearing a long fancy robe. He was carrying a bag with him.

Raph winced and leaned back against the sofa, tucking in against Leo’s side.

The man greeted Big Mama and Leo looked over to drape his arm over Raph’s shoulder.

“Hey Raph, it’s gonna be okay… just some information and then we’re done. See? Not in a lab right now.”

Raph leaned into him and shut his eyes. “Not in a lab right now…” he repeated.

The man walked up to them and kneeled down on his weird goat legs. He had an angular face but he was putting on a kind smile. He seemed to spot which one Raphael was despite the fact Leo never thought anyone could tell the difference between their genders.

“Hello.” He greeted warmly, despite his strange appearance.

Leo tapped Raph’s back gently. “Hi, I’m sorry, my brother gets freaked out by doctors…”

He sneered a little. “Human doctors can be cruel. But I’m not one of them, I just want to check you over.”

Raph looked over at him shakily. “Is… is it gonna hurt?” He asked.

The man smiled and shook his head. “No, I don’t even have to touch you.”

Raph hesitated before standing up and slowly walking towards him.

He opened his bag and pulled out strange crystals and they all watched as they hovered in mid air.

Mikey wandered over to take Raph’s hand as he’d asked.

“Are those… crystals?” Donnie asked.

“They are. They help with projection magic.” He grabbed one and it started to glow in his hand. He turned it to Raph who eyed it nervously. “You might feel a warm buzzy feeling, it’s not doing anything but scanning.”

Leo could see the grip on Mikey’s hand get tight but he nodded anyway.

It was like a flashlight was aimed at his stomach, and one of the other glowing crystals formed a screen. Donnie jumped up to get a closer look at it.

Leo didn’t really want to look, so he just eyed Raph. He looked uncomfortable to be under any kind of scope, magic or not, but Mikey was there holding his hand.

“So it’s some kind of magic x-ray?” Donnie asked excitedly.

The man nodded and focused his attention on the screen. “In a way, it can tell me more than that though.”

“Fascinating!”

Raph had his eyes closed and he was trying to take deep breaths.

“You have three eggs, Raphael. They look about half way along.”

Raph let out a quick pained laugh. “O-only three huh? N-not as bad as I thought…”

The doctor kept staring, adjusting the colour of the crystal light on Raph’s stomach. His brows furrowed in disgust.

“Hm… it seems whatever they did slowed the number of eggs in order to grow them faster. Essentially making your body work overtime on 3 rather than what I think your average capacity would be…” the colour changed again. “Which I believe when you fully develop could be 15.”

Raph looked shaky on his feet. “O-oh… g-good… e-eight has been my max so far… you’re saying double that…?”

“Mmhm, it’s not unusual for egg laying Yokai to be able to get about 50, but I think your… latent human DNA wouldn’t allow that.”

“Yokai..?” Leo repeated. “What’s that?”

The doctor stared at him strangely. Then his eyes softened. “Right. You’re not from around here. Yokai is the umbrella term for all creatures like us, anyone not human. I suppose you wouldn’t technically count because of your human genetics, but we accept any who leave that world behind down here.”

“We’re… not planning on staying…” he said softly. This all seemed like a lot right now, and while they knew they didn’t want to go home, this world of yokai didn't seem as stable as he’d planned for.

He continued scanning Raph and changing the colour of the crystal. Donnie was watching the screen in awe.

“I believe you’ll be due in about three days.” He sighed sadly. “It’s… horrific science they’ve done to you, Raphael, I’m very sorry.” He shut off the crystals and Raph breathed out a sigh of relief. Mikey handed him a cookie which he took gratefully.

“Three days…” he repeated. “And then I have to lay eggs and break them…”

The doctor looked at him horrified and then looked back at Big Mama who was sitting at her desk taking notes. She seemed to see his look and got up and wandered back over.

“You boys will absolutely not have to do that, I won’t allow that. It’s not going to be very good for your psyches to do such a thing so I think it would be best to find a different solution, something more medical.”

Mikey pumped his fists in the air and grinned. “Abortion?!”

Donnie snorted and sat back down.

The doctor eyed Big Mama carefully and turned back towards them. “Not exactly. You still have to lay them, but we have a way of disposing of them afterwards. You won’t have to do anything, this happens a lot down here.”

Raph slumped down beside Leo and leaned against him. He seemed exhausted so Leo wrapped his arm around him.

“So… I just lay the eggs like normal and you’ll get rid of them for me..?” He asked.

“Correct. It’s going to be a bit… different from the way you’ve laid them before. Then we will want to examine you for a few days after just to make sure there’s not… leftover anxieties about losing your babies, as I understand you have some animal instincts popping up in your head.” The doctor said.

Raph nodded slowly and looked up at him. “Can my brothers be with me the whole time..?”

Mama walked over to sit in the arm chair, smiling at them all as the doctor stood back up straight. “You are more than welcome to all be there, anything that makes you comfortable. I’m happy to even provide you room and board here until then, if you’d like.”

Donnie looked around. “In… an office building?”

She laughed. “No no, in my hotel. I have many enterprises in this building.” She turned to the doctor and gave him a smile. “Thank you very much Draxum, I’ll call you if your services are further required.”

Draxum eyed her and then Raphael, and then made eye contact with Leo for a moment. He gave him a curt nod before leaving back down the elevator he came out of.

“So… you’ll let us stay here for a few days, and I don’t have to worry about the eggs anymore…?” Raph asked Mama.

She smiled and nodded. “Exactly, I can even run this past your mother for you if you’d like.”

Raph shut his eyes tight and Leo could feel him tense up against him. “No… my mom doesn’t need to know everything, she doesn’t tell me everything so why would I bother to tell her this…”

Leo frowned at him and then up at Big Mama. “You… can tell April where we are, I think she can get that across to mom…”

Mama smiled sadly at him. “I can of course try to help with what happened between you and your mother as well. I’m here to help you with anything.”

Leo looked at her curiously. There was something bothering about this whole situation. And since Raph seemed better now, maybe it was time to ask.

“You… your receptionist said we were a pro bono case… but you seem to be kinda uh… wealthy? I’m just… wondering why you want to help us.”

He felt Raph tense up again, sensed him look up at him but he wanted to hold this woman’s stare. It was all getting to be too good to be true and he’d be damned if he didn’t ask a follow up question.

She seemed unsurprised by his probing though.

“I’m always looking to help those who haven’t found us yet. I do have more money than I let on with you, yes, but I like to take care of people who need help. There’s many more creatures in the world out there who need guidance, and we like to prove we’re a little more… open minded than the human world.”

Raph held his stomach and pulled away from Leo. “We really appreciate it, Mama. I… I would like to stay here until this is over honestly, I really don’t want to go home…”

She smiled at him and nodded. “Of course, my receptionist can show you to your room. I also wonder if you’d like to have some one on one sessions with me while you stay, perhaps try and figure out what’s going on in that brain of yours.”

Leo put a hand on Raph’s shoulder out of instinct and his eyes narrowed. “Raph’s not leaving our sight until this is over.”

There was that smell again. The scared female smell. He blinked and looked down at his brother who was staring at the ground with wide eyes.

He suddenly realized how tight his grip was and let go.

Big Mama tutted and wove her fingers together as she watched him. “I think perhaps that would be a reason to have a one on one conversation. I promise you you are all completely safe under my roof.”

Leo looked at Raph. He did genuinely look like he wanted that. So he relented.

“If… if Raph’s okay with it, then I am too..” he wasn’t, but he couldn’t keep getting in the way of help for him. As hard as that was for him to do right now.

She smiled. “Wonderful. I’ll have my receptionist show you to your room now, and perhaps later I’ll call you up here for a chat, is that alright Raphael?”

Raph looked at her and smiled. “Yeah... Thank you so much, Big Mama.”

“Of course! Now off you go, and we can have room service sent up with anything you want!”

They all stood and Raph took her hand and nodded at her in thanks, and then Leo led them back out.

The receptionist took her time explaining everything she could about the building, that there was a restaurant, a spa, a pool, a gym, a bar, a casino. All things that Leo didn’t really care about right now. They rode in an elevator that didn’t display the number of floors, and honestly that was fine, because he didn’t want to know.

Skyscrapers made him queasy.

She showed them to a floor of hotel rooms, and opened the door for them.

The room was bigger than their entire home.

It was a large living room with a giant flat-screen TV, and a wide window with a view of Manhattan that didn’t match the view Leo had seen in Big Mama’s office. A large deep red sectional sat in a conversation pit in front of the TV, and orange shag carpet seemed to clash with the burgundy walls, but it was so over the top that it felt purposeful. There were blue lava lamps in the corners and a fish tank against one wall, along the other was a kitchen bigger than the one they had at home. And there were doors to other rooms on each side.

Leo looked up at the receptionist. “We… we can’t afford this…”

She just smiled. “It doesn’t cost anything, Mama just wants to make sure you’re comfortable.”

Mikey had taken to jumping on the sofa and lounging on it, idly flipping through hotel channels.

Donnie walked over to the fish tank in awe. Those weren’t normal fish in there.

“This is… too much for us…” Raph mumbled beside Leo, clearly just as dumbstruck.

She laughed and walked over to a door and opened it. “You haven’t even seen the jacuzzi tub!”

Leo leaned over to peek through. Even the bathroom was massive.

“There’s a room for each of you too!” She said as she wandered to one of the doors and opened it, showing off a massive king sized bed.

Leo gripped Raph’s arm when he started to wander. “I… thanks, but I think we like sharing…”

Raph eyed him nervously, then turned away.

“Whatever suits you! Are you guys hungry?”

“Pizza!” Mikey yelled out of nowhere as he jumped up from the conversation pit to bounce in front of the woman.

Donnie turned away from the fish to roll his eyes. “Mikey we’re in a fancy hotel and you want pizza ?”

“Yeah!” He beamed and ran up to hug Donnie around his neck. “Don’t tell me you don’t want pizza!”

He groaned.

The woman laughed. “That’s easy! I’ll get you guys some pizza and you can settle in.” She looked at Raph and gently gripped his shoulder. “Mama wants to have her first one on one with you in a few hours, I’ll come up and get you for that, okay?”

He stared at her wide eyed and nodded. “Okay, thank you...”

She smiled and waved them goodbye before leaving them to their new room.

Leo stared at Raph, still not letting go of his wrist. “This is too much. Something's wrong.”

Raph frowned at him and tried to shake his grip off his wrist. “Why do you need to poke holes in this? Why can’t we just be in a nice place with an adult who actually wants to take care of us for once?”

Leo furrowed his brows and stared at him seriously. “Because nobody wants to give us anything for free. And I don’t like that she wants to get you alone, this place is weird enough without you wandering alone.”

Raph stared at him with his brows tightly knitted together. He wasn’t saying anything.

“What?” Leo asked.

“Let go of me Leo. You’re hurting me.” He said darkly.

Leo looked down and realized how tight the grip on his wrist had been. He let go immediately and Raph started rubbing his wrist without looking away from him.

“You’re getting territorial, and it’s scaring me…”

Leo groaned and gripped his head. “Raph I know I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m wrong about this!”

Raph turned around to wander into a bedroom alone. He looked around it for a moment before turning around in the doorway to face Leo again, a glare on his face.

“You might be comfortable sleeping in the same room, but maybe I don’t want to right now. Maybe I need my own space for once, away from my fucking. Possessive. Mate!” He slammed the door.

Leo just stood there stunned.

“You deserved that.” Donnie deadpanned from the sofa.

Leo groaned and flopped over beside him. “I know, but I don’t have a good feeling…”

“You’re scared of tall buildings.” Mikey said from his other side as he was flipping channels. He’d found a bag of chips somewhere and was digging in as he didn’t take his eyes off the screen. “I’m pretty sure your bad feeling is cuz you think this place is like Dad’s place.”

Leo looked down, trying to process that. He let his toes dig into the soft carpet, letting himself feel the ambience. This wasn’t Foot Tower, this was actually… pleasant.

But he knew better than to trust someone who lived in an ivory tower.

“Ask yourselves if you think kind people are this rich. Or if rich people could ever be so nice. Something weird is going on.”

Donnie flicked him in the head. “This whole thing was your idea. You said go visit Big Mama for a solution to Raph’s problem, she’s given us one. Why are you backing out now?”

“Because it doesn’t make sense! Why would we be being treated this nice?!”

“Cuz maybe she’s just a nice lady.” Mikey shrugged.

Leo groaned and folded his arms, leaning back against the sofa. “I’m gonna give you guys the biggest I told you so later…”

“Uh huh, before or after you apologize for trying to show everyone that you OWN Raph?”

“I did n—“

“You won’t let him out of your sight now? You’re trying to tell him where he sleeps? If I was him I’d be really freaked out, Leo.”

He sighed. “I know. But he seems… pissed in a way that means I need to give him space. God knows he’s been looking at us for too many days in a row.”

“So let him go to fucking therapy Leo, he needs it.” Donnie flicked him again.

Leo grumbled and rubbed the spot he’d flicked. “I’m not going on another shitty rescue mission again if something goes wrong then.”

Chapter Text

Raph was laying on the biggest bed he’d ever seen in his life. He was laying dead center, all this room to himself, letting his shell be absorbed by the soft mattress. He could die here. It was so cozy.

Between the high he was still coming down from and the magic feeling of a comfy bed, it made him think of Casey.

And then he suddenly remembered he’d been kidnapped for weeks and not spoken to her since. Was she worried? He’d lost his phone in the skirmish of getting kidnapped. She was gonna be so pissed.

He eyed the magic phone on the bedside table, and did spot actual numbers on this piece of machinery.

He wondered…

He picked up the phone and started dialing her number.

There was a strange ringing noise, more like chimes than a phone ring.

“Raph?!” She yelled immediately.

And he teared up hearing her voice as he flopped back on the bed and covered his eyes.

“H-hi Case..” he chewed his lip, trying to keep from crying. “How’d you know it was me..? I’m.. I-I'm in a… I-it’s a landline.”

“I— My phone just said Raph! I-I don’t know! Where the HELL have you been?! I’ve been worried man!”

He couldn’t help the tears as he realized she knew nothing about what happened, the kidnapping, the drugs, the breeding, the pregnancy, the part where his mom admitted his nightmare to him….

“C-Casey… I-it’s so bad…” He knew he sounded fucking broken.

He knew her well enough he could hear her face go from angry as hell to miserable.

“Do… is it gonna help to tell me, or is it gonna make you relive it…?” She asked quietly.

She knew about Shredder. She knew he could have a panic attack if she ever asked about Shredder. But she didn’t know how deep it had gotten.

“I… m-my brothers got… locked in cages with me at my dads house Casey… h-he made them…” he was trying to get the words out as clearly as he could but he turned into a sobbing mess pretty quickly.

“Hey hey hey, it’s okay, take your time I’m listening…” she soothed.

He tried to take deep breaths and slow his mind.

“My brothers… they had to… rape me… a-and I’m… p-pregnant…”

It was silent on the other end for a long time. He almost thought she hung up.

“With… with your brothers..?” She asked so quietly.

“I-I.. I have… three eggs, s’not as many as before but…” he tried to laugh, he wanted to laugh with her about how horribly funny this was.

But he just cried.

“R-Raph, I’m so…” she whimpered over the phone.

“I-it’s fine we’re getting an …abortion…? I-it’s complicated…”

She sobbed for a minute. Then another. And he sobbed alongside her.

Just fucking crying about this with his best friend made it easier. Somehow. Someone who wasn't part of it. He wasn't sure if he could have faced her in person, but at least she knew.

“I-I killed him…” he said after a moment of silence between them.

“Huh?!”

“The Shredder..." He took a shaky breath. "I smashed his brains in and threw him in a furnace… I watched him burn…”

She laughed darkly between her sniffles. “I’m glad…”

Finally someone who didn't think he was fucking crazy for being proud of himself for doing that. After all the nightmares, he had to see him burn. He was glad she understood.

“I’m… Casey, things are so bad … My mom told me… sh-she didn’t tell me she watched my dad rape me… a-after all these years…”

Casey let out a gasp. “She what?!”

“Sh-she lied, Casey! She made me think she had it so bad! And all the while she KNEW what happened to me! Cuz she LET IT!”

She whimpered.

“Fuck, Raph I’m so fucking sorry…”

“But April found us this… therapist… and Casey it’s insane, we're in a whole other world right now, and magic is real and ..”

“Raph?”

“Huh?”

“The phone just went static after you said insane.”

“I said we’re in another world.”

“Agh, maybe the signal is bad?”

Raph eyed the strange phone in his hand. Maybe it was stopping him from saying where they were…

“Oh, I can’t tell you where I am… but I’m safe, except…”

“Except what?”

“My… my egg situation…? It’s affecting my brothers, mostly Leo… h-he thinks he can boss me around a lot right now, he didn’t want me alone in therapy, or in a bedroom!”

“What?!”

“It’s not… sexual, it’s… ugh, I don’t know what it is, but I think h-he’s trying to protect me, but fuck Casey… it makes me feel.. female …”

She sucked in air through her teeth. “Jesus, I’m sorry…”

“But we’re… we’re safe, and we’re not near mom, and they’re gonna take care of me till I lay my eggs and get rid of them.”

“Thank god, we don’t need more of you running around…” She was trying to laugh off how bad she felt, he could tell. 

He needed to hear her laugh.

“I… I miss you, I’m so angry right now…”

She hummed. “I miss you too… God Raph, I’m so fucking sorry but I’m here.”

“I have uh… therapy soon? Which is pretty crazy…” he twisted the coil around his finger.

She laughed softly. “Therapy, huh? God knows you need that… I’m really glad, Raph…”

“I don’t uh… I don’t hate my brothers right now… everything is fucked up but I still want to be around them and nobody else… D-do you think that makes me a.. slut…?”

“Oh, Raph no, how would that— no Raph. You just trust your brothers… They were fucking freaked when they learned where you were, we couldn’t make them wait… I get why.”

“M-my mom really… Sh-she made me feel like shit for it.. I was wearing Donnie’s hoodie and she thought….” He didn’t even want to say what she thought. It was a fucking hoodie, something soft and warm that made him feel less exposed. It was a gift, and she made him feel like shit about it.

“That’s fucking stupid of her!” She yelled. It made him smile. “Raph you’re fine! Anything you gotta do is fine I’m so fucking sorry, you want me to go down there and beat up your mom?!”

He laughed and shook his head, rubbing his hand over his face.

“No, but I really appreciate that…” he sighed. “I don’t wanna think about her, I’m somewhere safe and gonna actually get help…”

“Whenever this is over we should hang out, you can give me everything I’m here okay? Post uhh.. Abortion rager?”

He chuckled. “Yeah, I really want that…”

He heard muffled yelling from her end of the phone.

“Ugh… Shit, sorry man, my parents are coming in right now. Call me later if you need?”

“Yeah, okay. Bye Casey.”

The line hung up. He couldn’t blame her, her parents were about to scream at her over nothing. So as shitty as he felt, it wasn’t unsafe.

He looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath. He’s safe. He’s comfortable. He’s all alone in here. For the first time in weeks, he was alone with himself.

He sat up and put the phone back on its port and wandered over to the closet door mirror.

He unzipped his hoodie and turned to the side to look at his stomach.

It didn’t look overly distended, maybe his plastron felt a little stretched, but he’d definitely been worse on his period. He rubbed his hand over his stomach.

“I’m… sorry I can’t have you… that we have to…” He groaned. “Stop you from living…” He sighed and stared at his stomach. “You’re just like me, you know? Being alive puts you in danger, so we’ll just… stop it before that happens… I don’t want you living anything like me…”

The eggs inside of him had no response.

He wiped his face and looked himself over again, his muscles had definitely shrunk, sex wasn’t enough of a workout to keep himself bulky. His skin felt strange to him, softer and slightly brighter than normal.

Oh good, a pregnancy glow.

There was a knock at the door.

“Pizzas here Raph!” Yelled Mikey.

“Can you bring me a plate?” He kind of wanted his space right now.

But Mikey just opened the door and peeked his head in. “You don’t wanna sit with us?” His eyes were drawn to Raph’s hand on his stomach.

Raph dropped his hand and glared at him.

“A girl needs fucking time away from her brothers.” He pushed the door closed on Mikey’s face and leaned his shell against it.

“Huh?! Raph, I’m sorry!”

“Go away, I’m not hungry.” He slumped down until he was sitting on the floor. He stared at his stomach and rubbed it again.

‘But we’re hungry, mother!’

He winced sharply, squeezing his eyes closed and twisted his head around, swiping at the air in front of him.

“You’re not real!” He yelled.

‘Mother you have to feed us! We don’t want to die!’

He whimpered and slammed his head against the door.

“L-leave me alone!”

‘Mother don’t you want our fathers to take care of us?’

He screamed as loud as he could and slammed his head against the door twice before it opened on him with force, shoving him into the room.

“Raph?!” Leo was standing over him, he didn’t want to look up.

He clutched his head and shook it violently.

He felt Leo squat down and grab his arms.

“Hey hey hey, it’s okay just breathe, okay?”

‘Leo’s here to mate you again! More brothers and sisters!’

“GET OFF ME, LEO!” Raph kicked him in the stomach weakly, his angle was bad so Leo barely felt it.

“Raph you’re hurting yourself!” He could smell that horrible smell again. Aggression. And it made it all worse.

‘He’ll have to throw you on the bed like father did to calm you down!’

“LEO DON'T!” He tried to kick again, trying to rip his hands from Leo’s grip, but he held so tight.

Someone suddenly charged at Leo and threw him off. Raph was free to open his eyes and hit himself in the head.

Donnie had Leo in a tackle and had him pinned down, he was hissing in his face. Leo looked stunned, and then he looked angry.

Raph whimpered and stood up, not turning his back on them as he left the room and closed the door on them. His hand was shaking as it held on to the handle.

The stench of males fighting. He felt fucking terrified. And that feeling was giving way to something in his tail that wasn’t him.

That warm arousal the turtle in his brain felt.

“Raph..?” Mikey was standing behind him and he jumped, turning his back to the door and slamming his shell against it. He was sure he was hyperventilating as he stared at Mikey scaredly.

But Mikey didn’t look aggressive, he was just staring at him with big eyes.

“L-Leo wanted t-t-to…”

Mikey grabbed his hand and held it soothingly.

“Check on you, you were yelling…”

“D…do I smell?” He asked. He wondered if he caused that.

“You do… you smell scared.”

“B-but it doesn’t bother you…?”

Mikey shook his head and squeezed his hand.

“I still see you as mom, so I’m not as worried…”

Raph looked down at their hands. He felt angry about that.

“And… if you didn’t you’d be just like them right now…”

Mikey tilted his head and frowned up at him.

“But we’re okay, right..?”

Raph stared at him. His sweet baby brother, the only one not trying to put a claim on him, or treat him delicately. And the only reason was because they were both already too fucked in the head to let anything else bother them.

He pulled his hands away from Mikey.

“I’m… gonna go wait for Big Mama in the waiting room, I don’t… I don’t wanna be around you guys right now… Fucking stink up the place…”

“Raphie, you’re not…”

And he rushed out of the room and slammed the door.

Mikey was furious.

He barged into the bedroom where he saw his brothers grappling with each other still and kicked them.

They both shot him a glare but he just glared back.

“You two are so fucking hormonal! Raph’s not even here now!”

Leo shot up and whipped his head around.

“Where did he go!?” Was he… sniffing?

Donnie grumbled as he stood up and watched Leo angrily.

“I’m not fucking telling you! You need to calm the fuck down cuz you’re scaring the shit out of him!” Mikey yelled.

“As I was trying to make clear as well!” Donnie huffed as if he wasn’t a part of it.

Mikey shoved Donnie into the wall.

“Fighting Leo isn’t helping!" He screamed. "You two look like you’re fighting OVER him!”

Donnie scrunched up his face in disgust. “Wha— that’s not… ugh…”

“He was hurting himself, was I just supposed to let him?! Did you not hear him scream?!” Leo yelled.

Mikey shoved him too.

“You leave Raph’s emotions to me now, cuz you BRUISED HIS WRISTS!”

Leo looked queasy. “I… didn’t mean to…”

“People unintentionally hurt Raph all the time so I guess that makes it better!”

Mikey stormed out of the room.

Chapter Text

Raph wandered the halls aimlessly, everything felt all twisty and strange. Maybe it was the vibrant colours getting to his head.

He found the elevator and realized he couldn’t read the buttons for the floors. They were cryptic symbols, and he couldn’t make sense of it.

He decided to guess randomly and wound up on a floor with a bar. And it was full of freaks exactly like him. Strange creatures of all shapes and sizes, some animals, some magical, some he couldn’t even tell what. And so he wandered over, gawking like an idiot.

“You want a drink, kid?” A voice came from the bar. There was some kind of octopus mixing drinks in their tentacles, and they seemed to be eyeing him with their human eyes.

“Me?” Raph pointed to himself.

“Yeah you, you want a drink?”

“I… don’t have any money.”

The octopus let out a weird laugh. “You’re staying here, drinks are on the house.”

“Oh…” He wandered up to the bar and sat down at it.

“What do you want?”

Raph looked up and then around as if there should be a menu.

“Uh… surprise me?” He asked.

The bartender laughed again and produced a short glass of glowing purple liquid with an umbrella in it.

Raph stared at it strangely before picking it up and taking a sip. It was sweet and fruity, but something was burning down his throat and he couldn’t help but sputter.

“I-is this alcohol?!” He shrieked and the bartender laughed.

“Well yeah, you’re at a bar!”

He felt nervous about saying he was only 17 now. But… his head felt a little better after tasting that.

“Right… thank you…”

The bartender turned away so Raph kept sipping it and just looked around.

He could have cried from seeing people more weird than him. And whatever was in this drink made him feel relaxed and happy. It was definitely more intense than whatever Casey would steal from her parents' beer shelf.

Someone leaned beside him against the bar and he turned to come face to face with three purple breasts pushed against each other.

And he was pretty sure his green face turned red as his mask.

A deep melodic voice chuckled at him. “Hey, you’re new…”

He followed the breasts up to a cute purple face with one eyeball in the center. This woman had dark blue curly hair that went all the way down her back, and she smiled with sharp teeth.

“I-I am…” he mumbled.

“Ooh, are you shy…?” She leaned down and he saw now she had four arms as she placed all of her hands on her knees, pushing her breasts together more.

He was absolutely staring at those tits and the way her sparkly yellow dress hugged them.

He snapped his head back up to look her in the eye. He sat up straighter and then leaned back against the bar, taking a sip of his drink. This drink made him feel way more relaxed and confident.

“No, I’ve just never seen such a pretty girl before.”

She giggled and turned to rest her folded arms on the counter.

“You’re sweet.” She waved at the bartender who gave her a weird green shot that she knocked back before flipping her hair and closing a gap between them, bumping his shoulder.

“Cutie got a name?” She asked.

Her voice was so… Oof.

“Raphael.” He kept sipping. This felt good, this felt way better than weed.

“Fancy… I’m Diana.”

“Like the goddess?” He rolled his head to look at her with a smile.

She giggled again. “Oh look at you! Little charmer…”

She walked her manicured fingers over his forearm and it sent a shiver up his body. She leaned in to whisper in his ear. “Do you want to come back to my room…?”

He couldn’t help the whimper that escaped his lips. Her hot breath running down his neck. That would have sounded insane to him normally, but Jesus, he felt good about it right now.

“Y-yes..” he tried to sound cool, and macho, but it definitely sounded like a moan.

She didn’t seem to mind as she clasped his fingers and led him off his chair to follow her to the elevator. She was taller than he’d thought, and he was used to feeling short around women. Casey was 6 feet tall, but Diana was more like 7. He felt small but he really didn’t mind.

When the elevator doors closed after they’d entered she pushed him against a wall and started kissing him, two of her hands holding his palms flat against the door. The other two on his chest.

He moaned pathetically against her mouth, she had him completely pinned and he didn’t mind. He didn’t kiss anyone, and she knew how to do it. Those sharp teeth were so gentle with his lips and he could feel her tongue was long as it probed around his mouth.

He could feel his tail getting warmer and wetter, and he didn’t care. Maybe this was what he needed, some stupid normal sex with a hot woman. He could totally do this. This would be fun.

She started kissing his neck and he moaned breathlessly.

“You are just the cutest thing aren’t you…?” She said huskily in his ear.

This was never language he would have asked anyone to use on him, but right now he didn’t care. All he cared about was that there was a beautiful woman with her mouth on him.

The door opened again and she pulled back to walk him down the hall, her hands trailing over his body.

This was a different floor than their room was on, thank fuck. He didn’t want to try and explain this if his brothers caught him.

She opened her door and pushed him inside. This was far less fancy than the room he and his brothers were sharing, and more like a classic hotel room. One bed being the main feature.

She shut the door behind them and wrapped all of her arms around him from behind. She kissed the side of his head. “You’re such a shy one aren’t you, Raphael.. is this your first time..?” She asked as she kissed down his neck.

He whimpered and stretched his neck out to give her more access. All those hands stripped him out of his clothes pretty quickly.

“W-with someone like y-you…” he moaned.

She laughed a little and picked him up with ease before dropping him on the bed and staring at him as she started unzipping her dress.

“With another woman?”

Ugh.

You know what? He didn’t even care anymore.

Sure. He was a woman right now. Whatever he needed to be. He just wanted her out of that dress and on top of him. He wanted to forget all his problems.

“Yeah.” He lied as he watched her step out of the dress. She was still wearing her heels and had on a sexy matching pair of bra and panties. It felt so adult.

He sat back and rested his weight on his hands.

“You’re beautiful…” he breathed as she climbed on top of him on her knees.

She chuckled and leaned down to kiss him deeply.

She sat on top of him kissing him and making him moan for about 10 minutes before she started traveling south. And for once he didn’t feel scared or anxious, he was just in the moment.

It was definitely the alcohol. Maybe a little of the leftover weed.

“Oh look at that! Already all open and ready for me…”

He looked down and saw she was sitting in front of his tail, and he was so turned on that his clit had dropped out.

He whimpered and watched her hungrily stare at it from between his thighs.

He’d never done this with Casey, always gotten too freaked out.

But Diana just dove in and made him fall back onto the bed in ecstasy. She lapped at him without worrying, touched him like his opinion on it didn’t matter.

And maybe it felt good to be manhandled. Maybe it was good to be used. That’s what he was for, wasn’t it? And at least this time someone was making sure he was pleasured. As intense as it was, wasn't that what he'd been asking for?

He wasn’t sure how many hands went inside him, it was all a blur of complete pleasure. He never wanted to leave this bed.

She made him cum 3 times, cooing to him about what a good girl he was the whole time. Something was twisting in his brain about being called that. Maybe it was nice to be a stupid girl who people liked to use.

When he went to repay the favour he was met with a new experience. Not a bad one, just a new one.

Diana had a penis of some kind, looked far less human than his brothers even had, and he felt all kinds of fucked up about knowing that, but he was very sure that’s what it was.

He’d never done one of these in his mouth before, but he was willing to try. Maybe the alcohol was what made him willing.

The way it went down his throat felt rougher than the weed and booze combined, but god did he love the noises she made when it went down his gullet. She praised him and told him he was beautiful and talented and he just never wanted that feeling to stop. Pretty, cute, talented, good...

She held his head down as she came and told him to swallow it like a good girl and he did. It was so far back he couldn’t taste it. Not over the aftertaste of that booze.

When he was let go she demanded to see his mouth and he opened it wide for her. She seemed satisfied that it was empty.

She cradled him on her lap for a while, brushing fingers over his scalp gently, before Raph sensed her cock jump up again.

He looked up at her and opened his mouth again and she shook her head.

She got out from under him and stood up, dragging his feet over the bed so he could lay with his pelvis on the edge of the bed.

He stared up at her nervously. Did she want to…

As then she just grabbed his hips and shoved her cock inside him with force. He couldn’t help but whimper as he grabbed the blankets under his head.

She was being pretty rough but he didn’t care, the feeling of her thighs slamming into his ass felt good, having that cock ram in and out. Maybe he could just die right here, who cares? This was good, this was normal! It wasn't his brothers, it was normal sex! That's all he needed, right?

“You’re such a good girl!” She moaned as she sped up. “Tell me what you are?!”

He whimpered louder and made breathy moans.

She pressed one of her thumbs against his clit hard and he yelled, it was too much pressure right now, completely overstimulating in an uncomfortable way.

“Say it!”

He whined. “I-I’m a g-good g-girl…!” He cried out softly.

His head was fuzzy but all he wanted to do was feel the good part, let it erase everything he'd been through.

She spanked him and he moaned loudly.

She fucked him for a long while, he came three more times while calling himself a girl.

And she came inside him, but what did that matter? He was already pregnant.

He lay there panting for a while as Diana looked around the room.

“W-wow…” He said breathlessly.

Normal sex. The most normal sex he’d ever had. He hurt all over, but maybe that was good. Maybe that was how it was supposed to feel. Fuzzy drunken feeling in his brain and all.

It was fine, he wanted to be stupid like that, he'd chosen to come in here.

She hummed and found her purse. And then she threw what seemed like bits of paper at him.

He didn’t look up for a while, just basking in the glow of pointless sex. But she cleared her throat so he grabbed one of the papers.

And he realized with absolute horror what it was.

Money.

She… paid him for this?

He looked up at her confused, suddenly feeling all the woozy effects of the alcohol at once.

“You’re cute Raphael, but I gotta get some sleep. You mind?”

He stared at her for a while and then back at the money. And he sat up shakily and collected the bills from the bed.

“We can do this again sometime! I’ll look for you in the bar when I come here!” She said as she gave him a pat on the ass.

“O-okay…” He said softly as he didn’t take his eyes off the money. He shakily stood, but his legs didn’t feel very strong. He managed to get his hoodie and sweatpants back on and stuffed the money in his pocket. The pocket of the safe warm hoodie Donnie gifted him.

It... didn't feel very safe now.

That hurt.

He waddled his way to the door and said some kind of goodbye without looking, and then stepped out into the hall.

And he couldn’t help but feel tears fall down his cheeks.

He didn’t want her to hear him cry so he wandered back to the elevator and closed the door. Then he just cried quietly, alone in there. That's what he wanted wasn't it? To be alone?

Of course he let that happen to him. Of course he wanted that. He was a stupid girl, everyone could tell, everyone was going to get what they wanted out of him. He'd let them! He was a slut. He knew it. He'd chosen to do that!

He looked over the elevator buttons, this time he tried to spot the similar symbols.

This floor was a box with boxes in it, and there were more of those on the grid of buttons.

He pushed the one that seemed to be the highest, thinking about how much fancier his floor was than hers, and the door opened to a more similar floor. He wandered out and stared at the room numbers, and found his own.

He stared at the door for a long while. He shouldn’t go in. He just needed a bathroom or something to clean himself up. Yeah, that's a good idea, he should just use the bathroom!

....But his brothers were going to lose their minds if they smelled him right now. He almost felt like he could already smell their rage through the door. He was sure he smelled like shit right now.

So he just turned around, and went back to the elevator, feeling woozy and shitty.

He eyed the buttons again, he didn’t know where to go. This place was too big, full of too many people, people he didn’t understand. People who maybe were freaks like him, but still grown ups. Ones he could clearly not be trusted to be around.

And he was drunk and sad and unaccompanied.

He was supposed to get therapy today, what the hell was he doing?

He started pushing random buttons, looking for that familiar waiting room floor. He saw a gym, he saw the pool, he saw the casino, he saw the bar again, this thing made no sense. Big Mama’s office should be here somewhere, shouldn’t it?

Someone else came in the elevator and they were wearing a bellhop uniform.

Raph eyed them nervously, they were a tall fox.

“Um…” He was sure his voice sounded weird, croaky, maybe slurring, so he tried to clear his throat. “I can’t find the waiting room for Big Mama…” he said softly.

The fox turned to him and gave him a toothy smile that made him nervous.

“Oh of course not, only someone who works here can find that for ya. You got an appointment?”

That sounded like a weird rule, but he was too fucked up to care right now.

He nodded. “Yeah, she asked me to come by, but I guess someone was supposed to come get me…”

“Oh, you’re the one she’s looking for! I got you.” The fox pushed a button that he was sure hadn’t been there before and he came out to that similar waiting room.

“Thank you.” He smiled a little at the fox who winked back at him and then he walked into the waiting room.

The receptionist saw him and her eyes went wide. “Oh there you are! I went to get you and your brothers said you went wandering!”

He looked down at the ground and dragged his feet over the carpet. “I’m sorry, I didn’t wanna be around them anymore…” He mumbled, swaying on his feet.

She tutted and put one of those phones down. “No problem! I should have explained why I needed to get you, I hope the walk didn’t give you too much trouble!”

‘It gave you a new sense of purpose didn't it, girl?’

He winced and shut his eyes, digging his nails into his leg.

“Is… can I talk to her now?” He asked after a moment.

“Oh sure! Walk right in, she's ready!”

He thanked her and headed towards those big ornate doors. She was waiting on the chaise lounge when he walked in and gave him a sad smile.

He wandered closer and her smile fell as she stood up, eyeing him worriedly. “Oh Raphael, what’s happened?!”

He felt tears in the corners of his eyes. “I-I look like shit, huh..?”

She picked up a tissue box and let him take one. “Sit down, sit down, tell me all about it.”

He wiped his eyes and slumped down on the sofa, it helped stop the spinning feeling in his head slightly.

“My… my brothers keep… they’re fighting over me, over what to do with me, i-it’s little stuff but Leo… h-he didn’t want me in my own bed, a-and when he sees me hurt myself he can’t stop himself from getting… f-forceful! A-and that sets Donnie off cuz he must smell me panic! A-and I hate it! And.. and Mikey’s only not effected cuz we’re already fucked up! C-cuz he sees me as his mom!”

He whimpered and looked down at his hands. “E-everything about me is screaming female , a-and I can’t be around them…”

She tutted and passed him a cookie from her fully replenished tray. Maybe they just magically appeared.

He took one and stared at it, breaking a piece off and letting crumbs fall to the floor.

“That sounds very scary for you… you just want to feel safe, and it’s making you feel small when you’re around them.”

“I-I’m the bruiser! I’m the fighter! I’m not supposed to be like this! The weak one whose only good for biology! That’s what Dad wanted for me and I’m not doing that anymore!” He stared at her angrily. She just looked back at him with sympathy.

“You still are those things, Raphael, it’s just your hormones going into overdrive. The doctor explained to me that your hormones are quite out of balance from whatever that human did to you, but he assured me once it’s over you’ll be right as rain.” The way she sneered when she said human sounded weird.

He sighed and placed his hands on his stomach. “It’s these fucking things… I-I never asked for this, and I always knew it was coming, but I didn’t know…” he teared up again. “I didn’t know how much they’d make me hate myself… I-I’m free and I still hate myself…”

He took a bite of the crumbling cookie and took a deep breath.

“I got lost trying to find you, I found the bar, someone found me…” He mumbled.

She hissed softly and he looked up at her. She shook her head. “I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have been in there. It’s not for children.”

He rubbed his neck and looked out the window.

“There… was a lady flirting with me, she took me back to her room…” He sighed. “She was nice, I might be drunk…”

“Raphael, if she was in the bar she was definitely an adult…”

He looked up at her and shrugged. “Oh no, an adult , that’s the worst person I could have sex with this week…”

She hummed and nodded. “Fair enough, are you alright?”

He dug around his pocket and chucked the bills on the table between them. She eyed them curiously and then her face fell.

“She… paid me. For my service…”

Big Mama took a moment before sighing. “I’m so sorry… I really didn’t want you going up there, there’s adult activities that occur and they’re not for you to get involved with.” She leaned back and looked over her notes. “Do you want to point her out to me?”

He shook his head and rolled to lay back on the lounge, staring at the vast abyss of the ceiling. Maybe he wanted to fall into it to see how far it went. “She wasn’t… malicious or anything… I just thought she liked me… I just wanted to have....Normal sex...” he sighed. “She thought I was a girl, she called me a girl and she made me call myself a girl to get off… I.. I stopped fighting it I guess, what’s the point anymore…? Maybe I am. Who cares anymore...”

He heard her writing something. “I think you’re in a very vulnerable place right now, and I don’t think that helped you. It’s no wonder you don’t want to go back to your room.”

“I... I think they’ll go into 'jealous mate overdrive’ if I do…” he just wanted his brothers to tell him he was okay, to make him feel loved and safe like they had yesterday.

But he couldn’t guarantee they’d do that now.

“You… you promise this all goes away once the eggs are laid, right…? Once they’re gone…?” He turned to look at her.

She smiled sadly and nodded. “Once all those bad hormones are reset, you and your brothers should be back to normal. Although after that there’s more healing to be done, you’ve been through a great deal of trauma, and I’m aware your brain has… prepared itself for this sort of thing so we can try to find the route of that.”

He looked up at the ceiling again, the vast dark ceiling he couldn’t find.

“My… my mom watched my dad rape me… she said I was like.. asleep? But I think she means that... that thing where I go spacey, and I let my mind turn off… I think that started happening when I was little…”

“You dissociate from your body, let your mind ignore the trauma. It makes sense.”

He nodded. “I think… sometimes I turn into somebody else? Like, I don’t always remember all the bruises I gave Leo as a kid, I used to just turn into an uncontrollable ball of rage…”

“Ah, so you think it’s a dissociative identity. Do you have more?”

He twiddled his thumbs, trying to wrack his brain for those things that used to be clouded over. Either the leftover weed and booze was helping unfog his brain, or maybe the recent traumas had just been too much ignore now. Maybe the pieces were just finally clicking together, maybe after finally talking about it.

“I… think sometimes… there was a little one, who maybe… maybe she knew how to please dad.. h-how to roll over and just make him happy…?”

“Mmmn, yes, I do think that would fit the bill…” He heard more notes.

“I… I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it… and the voices in my head, the voices of my Dad, and Stockman, and the babies… I-it gets too much sometimes…”

“There are treatments, perhaps medication, but I really wouldn’t want to start you on anything until this is over…”

He rubbed his stomach again. “It’s... it’s so fucked up, I just have to carry more fucked up unwanted kids just like we were… M-my dad wanted me for one thing, then he hated me and found me a new thing, and this is the thing he wanted and now it’s my problem because he’s dead… I-I feel bad for them, cuz it’s not their fault…”

“Perhaps you should hold a little memorial for them, let yourself grieve.”

“Tch, I’d have to do that every fucking time I laid any… Donnie always has to throw them out…” he lifted his hoodie to look at his slightly distended plastron. “But I guess since these ones are real…”

He idly rubbed his stomach and looked at her. “Did… did the doctor figure out… the parentage?”

She made a tight sad smile with her lips and nodded.

“It’s.. just my luck it’s one of each isn’t it..?”

She nodded again.

He sighed and looked back at his stomach. “Yeah… Dad would be so happy with that answer…. Sure Stockman would love checking over which one grew up better.. Ugh, there’s a little Leo in here too, Dad’s perfect general… Everything he wanted... Unless it’s female like me, then.…” He groaned and tugged his shirt down. “I’m sorry, my head is swimming…”

“It’s quite alright, this is what I’m here for.”

He sat up and started stuffing his face with cookies. “I just can’t wait for them to be fucking gone, but thinking about it hurts a lot…” He mumbled through bites. He just felt angry, and wanted to stuff his fucking face.

Or maybe it was a craving. Ugh.

“Just a few days and you’ll be back to normal, I promise. No babies, just you and your brothers. And you’re welcome to stay as long as you like.”

“I probably have to face my mom at some point before she kills herself from worry though, huh…?”

“I would advise you to worry less about your mothers feelings than your own, she’s the adult, you’re the child.”

He snorted and leaned back, face full of crumbs. “You sound like my brothers… They’ve been saying that to me for years…”

She tilted her head slightly and looked down at her notes. “What is your relationship like with your mother?”

He frowned and leaned forward. “I… I’m the only person she’s got most of the time… she… she doesn’t have family here, Dad trapped her, abused her, beat her, raped her, and then he tried kill her, she was so fucked up she went crazy in the sewers for years and we’re… all she’s got in the world…”

“That’s a lot of pressure to put on a child's shoulders. Why do you know all that about her?”

He shrugged. “She told me… We talked about Dad a lot, and all the bad things he did to her…”

“But not about you though? Even though you say she knew what he did to you?”

His brows furrowed and he looked up at her. “I… I still haven’t processed that yet… I think maybe she… she knows I go blank, you know? She knew I didn’t remember, and I guess she wanted me to… to not remember..? So if we talked about me, maybe it would have made it worse…”

“It sounds like you’re still trying to make excuses.”

He frowned and put his head in his hands. “I-I’m not trying to, it just makes sense… I’m trying to make sense of it…”

“So you think she saw your dissociation as a positive.”

He wrung his hands and sighed. “I… I guess maybe…”

“That’s tough. If she was hiding it behind your broken brain, as you’ve said. And all the while trying to make you process things no child should have to?”

‘You’re so ungrateful, think of everything your mother endured for you. And now you’re hiding out in another skyscraper after everything that happened in the last one!’

He whimpered and slapped himself in the face.

And then he clasped his hands over his mouth and looked up at Big Mama in fear.

She just looked sympathetic and tilted her head. “Was that one of the voices?”

He hesitated before nodding.

“Would it be possible to speak to a voice?”

He frowned and curled up, hugging himself. “I-I don’t really control it, they just talk to me…”

“How about one of your other… selves? Are they in there listening too?”

Raph looked at her nervously. “I-I'm trying to not be them right now… I-it’s not gonna help to fly off the handle…”

“Let me decide that. You can let go, Raphael, Mama is here to help.”

He stared at her hard for a while. He thought about it, just letting go. He looked down at the bills he’d left on the table, he was still so angry about being used. It was raw, he thought about how that woman’s cum was still inside of him…

…

He glared up at Big Mama.

“What do you want?” He said darkly.

She blinked and stared at him. “Fascinating… Who am I speaking to right now?”

He shrugged. He never had a name.

“How do you feel right now?”

“Fucking pissed off! This piece of shit body has eggs in it, my brothers are trying to fuck me again, and someone mistook me for a whore and paid to fuck me. I’m fucking pissed.”

She took some notes as he spoke. He glared at the paper.

“What the hell are you writing? Gonna use this against us?”

She looked up at him and frowned sympathetically. “I’m trying to find the root of the issue, trying to help find you ways of coping.”

“I don’t need to cope. I’m the coping. Fuck off with your psyche nonsense.” He clenched the sofa. He had a desire to throw it at her, he was pretty sure he could.

“Yes yes, of course, my apologies. Can you tell me how you help? I’d like to be able to tell Raphael all you do for him.”

He glared at the woman. “He should have let me out days ago. I almost got out fully, but fucking Mikey pushed me down. Leo was raping me so I started getting him back for everything and now he’s fucking waltzing around acting like I’m his PROPERTY!”

She nodded at him and wrote something down. He growled.

“I could have killed him when we were kids, would have saved myself all this trouble. Saved Raph.”

“So you protect Raph?”

He nodded and started cracking his knuckles. “I get revenge. I keep him away from Leo. Away from Dad.”

“But your father is dead now.”

Raph tapped his head with his fist. “Not in here. In here he’s still alive.”

She stared at him for a while. “Your… father lives in your head too..? Does he…?”

“He’s not coming out. He says bullshit sometimes, but he can’t come out. I’m the buffer. The kid’s the buffer.”

She didn’t react much. Just kept writing.

“Who’s the kid? Raphael?”

He laughed darkly. “No, the kid’s the one who takes his abuse.”

She tutted softly and kept writing. “And you protect the kid?”

“I get revenge for her. She fawns, I fight.”

“And… What do you two think about your mother right now?”

“I don’t fucking care. Raph’s stupid for ever trusting anyone.”

“Is… the child available to talk..?”

He glared at her darkly.

“No. Don’t fucking ask about her again.”

She nodded, not breaking eye contact. “Of course, my apologies.”

He kept glaring. “So what’s the verdict, doc, I’m crazy?”

She looked over her notes. “You’ve found a very understandable way of protecting yourself. Splintering into pieces that protect each other, fighting back against abuse… I admire your bravery.”

Raph scoffed and knocked a fist on his head. “Yeah yeah, someone’s gotta be brave in here. You wanna know who the hell raped me earlier or not?”

She stared at him and tilted her head. “I thought you didn’t mind that.”

“He didn’t, I do. Her name was Diana, three tits, one eye, sharp teeth, purple skin. Said she comes by a lot. She fuck a lot of kids here, Mama? You got some kinda fucked up business on the side going on?”

She sighed and rubbed her temple. “As I said, we mainly serve adults at this hotel, it’s my fault for not forbidding you entry, most everyone is assumed legal when they enter. But obviously this person took advantage of you in an inebriated state, and I’m very sorry. I will have it dealt with, fret not.”

“Fret not, very funny.” He lounged back against the chaise, draping his arms over the back. “Why the hell do you wanna help us anyway? You cooking up something? You planning on grooming Raph like our real mom?”

She blinked and frowned. “I understand your hesitance, it’s quite scary to trust adults after all you’ve been through, but I do promise I have nothing but the best intentions for you and your brothers.”

“Where are the babies goin’.” He said darkly.

Her eye twitched. “What?”

“The babies. The eggs. You’ve been vague about what happens when Raph lays ‘em. I’m sensing something weird. You’re not breaking them at all, are ya?”

She stared at him hard for a while and leaned forward.

“How aware is Raph of our conversation?”

He chuckled and gave her a smirk.

“I don’t care what you do with the babies, I won’t tell. As long as we never see ‘em again.”

She squinted at him and they held a stare for a minute.

“They won’t be broken. You’re very smart for having figured that out. But you won’t see them, so don’t worry.”

He laughed and shook his head. “Of course, someone always wants something out of me… the babies are what’s paying for this, aren’t they? You even a real therapist?”

“I am. I’ve had many jobs. I am not lying about wanting to care for you, but I do have… research I’d like to do.”

He lay back down on the chaise and stared at the ceiling. “Just like Stockman. You two should team up, have a field day.”

She sighed and watched him carefully. “I’m not planning on hurting any. And you are all very safe here, just… don’t wander aimlessly. Perhaps I’ll have my assistant block off the floors you shouldn’t see, that should help.”

“Yeah, don’t want me getting shared out by my pimp.” He laughed darkly. “That your cut?” He eyed the bills on the table.

She stared at them. “I…I don’t need the money, Raphael, but I don’t think you like looking at it either.”

“What’s weird monster money even buy here? Just more sex with kids?”

“It’s used like regular currency. This world is more vast than you think.”

He shrugged and leaned over to pick up the bills. “Guess I’m used to being the responsible one, gotta put food on the table somehow.”

She frowned at him and he laughed.

“A joke. I’m not fucking letting anyone touch me again.”

“Very good.” She tapped her pen against her notepad. “I understand you’re angry with Leo, but it’s not going to be in your best interest to fight him over what you think he’s done.”

“Oh yeah? You wanna cage me up again?”

“I think Raphael needs his brothers. And I worry you might set them off, and cause a problem for him.”

He scoffed and inspected the dirt under his nails. “You think I’ll piss ‘em off enough they really do fall to their instincts and rape me. Great.”

“No, I think you’ll hurt them and in turn hurt Raph doing that. We need to keep things calm. Is there anything you require to keep yourselves from flying off the handle?”

He thought for a while. “You got any uhh… Counter pheromonal spells or something? Keep us from… Ugh, sniffing each other's emotions?”

“I think I can ask the doctor about that. Will that calm you enough to let Raphael back out?”

He shrugged. “If you can guarantee no one fucking rapes me, yeah.”

She nodded slowly and made some notes.

“Then I’ll chat with the doctor and he can whip something up. You’re welcome to stay until you feel comfortable enough to return to them.”

He nodded and lay back on his side. “Can I take a nap here?”

She smiled and nodded. “Go ahead. You’ve done a very good job today.”

He sighed and closed his eyes, letting himself fall asleep.

Chapter Text

Raph overheard things while he slept. Things about him, his body, his needs, his… babies. It was all too vague for him to parse.

He saw the strange goat Doctor from before talking to Big Mama out of the corner of his eye, they were speaking quietly, it didn’t seem very serious so he rolled over and tried to go back to sleep.

He didn’t remember falling asleep in the first place.

After 5 minutes of trying someone tapped him on the arm and he looked up to see Doctor Draxum holding something in his fist.

He mumbled something and sat up, rubbing his eyes.

“Here, this is a charm that should keep your pheromonal problem away from your brothers and vice versa.”

He watched as Draxum unfurled what appeared to be a chain necklace with a pink crystal dangling off it.

He reached out and took it, inspecting it. The pink crystal hummed with a warm energy. He looked back up.

“Magic?” He asked.

“Of a sort. As long as you wear that you should be fine.”

He fastened it around his neck and picked up the crystal to keep looking at it. “Thank you..” he said softly.

“Don’t mention it. We just want to keep you feeling safe until the time comes. Unnecessary stress is bad for eggs.”

He nodded slowly and turned the crystal between his fingers. “I… Are the drugs and alcohol gonna be a bad thing too…?”

He wasn’t sure why he cared. They were going to be dead after they were born anyway. 

Draxum sighed softly and shook his head. “I did look you over. I think… Whatever strange way you came to be, you have very remarkable genes, a healing factor I’ve not seen before. So while I would recommend, as your Doctor, staying away from such things for the health of… Your own health, it’s not something you need to be as concerned about.”

Raph sighed and nodded a little. “Yeah… That makes sense… Fuckin’ super soldier, who cares…”

"Still, being cautious is never bad. You're still a child..." He actually sounded concerned, it was strange.

“Now!” They both looked over at Mama’s desk where she was standing, having just clapped her hands together. “Draxum, thank you again, you can leave now.”

Draxum stiffened a little and nodded at Raphael, before turning and leaving out the private elevator in the office. 

Raph wondered for a moment where that might lead to.

Big Mama wandered over to sit in the chair across from him and gave him a warm smile. “What do you remember since you let go earlier?”

He blinked and looked down at the crystal. That’s right, she said to let go and he did, and he must have had a conversation he didn’t remember. That's why he'd been asleep without remembering. That made him nervous.

“I… I can’t remember anything. ”

She nodded slowly and picked her pad back up to write something down. “Then I think we can confirm the dissociative identity disorder diagnosis. I had a conversation, your other… Your protector, let's call him. He explained his job. He requested that object Draxum’s given you, I’m sorry we didn’t talk about that before.”

Raph looked at it. Maybe somewhere deep inside he could see crackles of energy, it’s something Donnie probably would love to investigate, but it wasn’t for him.

“So… I’ve got split personalities…” He sighed. “It’s good to like… know I’m fully broken, I guess…”

“You are not broken. Don’t think about it that way.” She said softly. He looked up, she was smiling gently. “Your brain is very complicated, most brains are, and yours has worked overtime to keep you mentally safe.”

He nodded slowly and tried to take that in. In some part, he might have known that. Whatever angry part of him was always under the surface, it never tried to hurt him, but it was just a problem for everybody else.

"So... I got guys living in my head."

"Yes, and I would imagine the little voices you hear are pieces of that too, but not as fully formed as him. He spoke to me about what he called the child, that they're both there to keep you away from the worst parts of what you've been through."

He sighed and nodded slowly. "Yeah... That makes sense. Guess part of me... Knew that." He then let out a half hearted laugh. "Obviously, part of me knew that..."

She hummed softly and placed the pad back down on the table. “So, I think we should have another session tomorrow, you were asleep for a few hours.” Raph eyed the window, it was dark now. “But I’m very proud of you for your progress, and still extremely sorry for what you’ve been through today. But I’m glad you told me right away, I’m going to help you. We’re going to work this out together, okay?”

He looked back over at her nervously. She seemed so safe, and he needed help with all this. She’d already proven helpful by the charm around his neck. It felt good to tell someone all his deeper thoughts, he'd never found himself able to tell his mom anything. And Big Mama was clearly eager to listen and help.

“Okay… Thank you. I really appreciate it.” He sighed and leaned back. He felt better. Still self loathing, still vulnerable, angry, all of that… But talking made it better. Knowing more made it better.

“You should be all good to run along now. I can have my assistant send up some ice cream. Try to take it easy, you’ve had a long exhausting day.”

He tucked the crystal inside of his hoodie and stood up. “Thank you, Mama…”

She just smiled at him and waved him towards the door. “I’ll have my receptionist collect you tomorrow, okay?”

He nodded. He was never going to wander this place alone again.

He waved back and walked out, a new sense of peace washing over him. He was so grateful for the charm, he really didn’t want to be afraid of Leo anymore. He thought he’d gotten past that.

He waved at the receptionist as he passed her and she smiled back.

“Oh, we’ve changed the magic in the elevators for you guys now, it should only let you out where you need to go now.”

“Oh, thank you.” He replied as he stepped inside. He looked over the buttons and sure enough some of them had disappeared. Maybe half.

He pushed the one for the fancier suites and came upon the floor with his room on it, walking out slowly.

He stepped up to the door and clutched the crystal. He couldn’t smell angry males through the door anymore, so that was a good sign.

When he opened at, quietly as he could, he could and saw all three brothers sitting in the conversation pit watching TV. Well, Leo was pacing by the window and trying not to look out of it, he was the one most afraid of heights.

Raph closed the door less quietly and all their heads snapped up to look at him.

He just stood in the doorway like an idiot.

Mikey ran up and jumped into his arms. “Raph! The lady said she couldn’t find you and- and that you got lost! But you’re okay?!”

He sighed and held Mikey tight, rubbing his shell. “Yeah… I mean.. Ugh, yeah, I’m fine…” He mumbled against his head.

Mikey didn’t let go as Donnie wandered up.

He was inspecting him strangely, looking him over.

“I… Can’t smell you anymore...” he said softly.

Raph shrugged. “Good, stop smelling me, it’s creeping me out.”

Mikey dropped down and gave Donnie’s arm a light punch. “I told you.”

Leo just keeps staring at him from the window.

Raph could tell he knew something was wrong even if he couldn’t smell it.

“I had my therapy session, I’m just kinda tired…” He explained without needing to be asked. “Mama told me to take it easy, and that she’d bring up ice cream for us.”

Mike hugged him again. “You wanna watch a movie?! The couch turns into a bed, Raph!”

He looked between his brothers, they looked worried but were trying to be okay.

He might as well try too.

“Sure. But I.. I need a shower, really bad…”

“Here I’ll start it for you.” Leo said and quickly went into the bathroom.

Raph groaned and followed him inside. He was messing with a tap in the corner, the shower had glowing lights and seemed to be some kind of rain simulation with the entire square of ceiling acting as a tap.

“Why are you trying to do shit for me still, Leo?”

Leo turned to look back at him sadly. “Cuz… I’m sorry for how I’ve been acting, so I wanted to say sorry… and you wandered off and I didn’t see you and it was my fault…”

He sighed and folded his arms, looking away. “Yeah, well if you stopped worrying I wouldn’t have wandered off…”

Leo seemed pained by that answer but he didn’t want to look him in the eye.

“It’s fine. I don’t care anymore. I got enough problems right now.” He started to unzip the hoodie and realized Leo was still watching him nervously.

Raph just glared. “Jesus, do you still think you have unlimited access to looking at my body?” He growled.

Leo pointed at the necklace. “What’s that?”

Raph fiddled with it cautiously. “Something Mama made for me. Keeps you idiots from setting off my turtles fear response, and stops me from making you guys fucking lose it.”

“Oh…” he kept staring at it. He seemed anxious about it.

“Can you leave now?” Raph snapped.

Leo snapped his head up to look at him and frowned. “I… sorry.. yeah, just uh... Okay.” He sheepishly left the room and closed the door behind him.

Raph pulled the hoodie off, followed by his sweatpants and groaned as he saw a sticky mess in the crotch. He wondered if this place did laundry.

Stepping into the shower, he decided to had to turn the water all the way to hot, needing this gross feeling off his skin no matter what.

He had a few hickies he could see, the sharp teeth left marks in his plastron, not that noticeable, he’d had worse scars before. He grabbed a sponge and bar of soap and started scrubbing himself hard. He kinda wished he had steel wool. Maybe that could make the feeling get out of his skin. Scrubbing himself raw and peeling layers of skin off, he wouldn’t care if all his skin came off.

He sat on the ground to get his tail, his slit had tightened back up long ago but still had the trails of cum streaming down it, so he scrubbed that as hard as he could. Scrubbed it till it felt raw and then he just lay under the water, letting himself feel the slime burn off him.

He felt fucking stupid. He got drunk, he got used again. He let himself be used. Wanted it. Called himself a good girl. He could have just said he wasn’t, but maybe that was a lie!

Maybe he was a stupid fucking girl. Just like father always said.

There was a tap at the door that knocked him out of his thoughts. “Raph? Ice creams here!” Mikey called. He didn’t open the door this time, so that was good.

“Yeah, I’ll be out in a second!”

He stood up and shut the shower off, then stared back at the dirty clothes on the floor. He couldn’t put those back on.

He looked around the fancy bathroom and saw a closet in the corner, wandering over and opening it.

Perfect. A pile of bathrobes of varying sizes.

He picked one up and wrapped himself up in it, tying it tightly and tucking the necklace inside. He looked at himself carefully in the mirror.

“You don’t look like a rape victim or a slut. You’re fine. You’re just Raph. Nothing’s wrong.” He said quietly to himself, daring anyone in his head to tell him different.

No one did.

He sighed and turned to leave the bathroom, seeing his brothers sitting on the sofa which had been turned into a bed. The lights were dim as they were arguing over something to watch.

He wandered over and crawled over the couch to sit between Donnie and Mikey, putting his arms around their shoulders. “Where’s my ice cream?”

Mikey grinned and held out a small tub for him with a spoon sticking out. He took it with a smile and Donnie tugged a blanket over his lap.

“We can’t choose what to watch, what do you want?” Mikey asked him.

Raph shrugged and just stuffed ice cream in his mouth. “Disney movie?”

Leo was scrolling through what was available. Raph watched the screen to see if anything jumped out.

“Aladdin.” He finally said.

Leo groaned and hit play. “How did I know?” He asked playfully.

Raph laughed a little and settled in, leaning back against the pillows.

It did feel calming now. He was okay. Or he would be.

He’d fallen asleep after the third movie, on a high of cookies and ice cream that knocked him out. Cuddled up between the twins, one in each arm, he'd woken up to vaguely hear Leo using the bathroom. He felt like he’d slept enough today but didn’t want to disturb his brothers so he just lay there with his eyes open, hugging both of them close.

He heard the toilet flush, then the sink running, and he just watched Mikey’s breathing in the dim light leftover from the blank TV menu.

Leo opened the door and he saw his shadow on the ground as he stepped out, he seemed to be holding something as he slowly shuffled back over.

“Raph…?” He whispered.

Raph looked up to see him holding his discarded hoodie.

He furrowed his brows. “What?” He whispered back.

Leo held up the bills Diana had paid him with. His eyes widened and he looked away.

“What are these…?”

“Leo, don’t…” he said softly as he tried to control his breathing.

The last thing he wanted to do was wake his brothers and have another fucking scene.

He sensed Leo moving around behind him and he tried to calm down. He couldn’t smell him so he was going to be okay. This wouldn’t freak him out. He was okay. He was normal. Everything was fine.

“Raph.. can you come here..?” Leo asked softly, his voice echoing from the bathroom tiles.

“I’m stuck.” He whispered back.

“They’re in ice cream comas, just… please…?”

He took a deep breath and gently shifted his baby brothers around so he had room to move out from between them. He climbed over the back of the sofa and tugged the bathrobe tighter around himself. Leo was still in the bathroom so he walked in and closed the door.

He looked over to see Leo standing above his discarded sweatpants. And he looked disgusted.

“I… I smell something here…” Leo said softly.

Raph stared at the pants on the floor and took a step back. “Why are you smelling my pants?!” He whispered harshly.

Leo looked at him with pain in his eyes. “I-I’m not, there’s… Raph what’s staining these pants right now? And is this money?!” He whispered back more harshly.

Raph stared at the bills in his hands with anger. “I… I can’t talk to you about this…”

“Did… did you… have sex with someone?”

He turned around and clenched his fists. “Stop asking questions. Now.” He felt tears welling up and didn’t want him to see.

He felt Leo step behind him and place a hand on his back, he recoiled immediately and turned sharply, glaring and pointing at him accusingly.

“I-I got drunk! A-and stupid! And I needed the memory of YOU out of my head!”

Leo looked shocked and sad. He didn’t know what to do with that.

“I-it’s not a big deal I already told Mama about it, okay?! That’s why I was at therapy so long! That’s why I needed this!” He held up the charm. “So you wouldn’t go scary mate on me again! Cuz you’re scaring me! I-I don’t want a mate I just want my b-brother!!!” He was sobbing now, he felt so broken and stupid.

Leo just pulled him into a hug and held him. “I’m your brother, I promise I’m just your brother…”

He whimpered and held him back shakily. “Y-you weren’t, you scared me… y-you and Donnie you were… I-I can’t keep doing that, Leo…”

Leo squeezed him again before pulling away.

“Can we.. talk somewhere else, the smell of those sweatpants is bugging me…”

Raph stared at them and nodded, he spotted a hamper in the corner and threw them inside. Then he grabbed Leo’s arm and opened the door, taking him out and closing it behind them. He hoped it would be enough.

He then tugged Leo into one of the side bedrooms and shut the door, standing there shakily and watched as Leo went to sit on the bed.

“What happened when you left, Raph..?” He asked him quietly.

Raph looked at him, trying to ignore the need to cry and looked back at the ground. “I got lost… I found the bar, and they let me drink… Mama said I wasn’t supposed to be able to get in, but I got drunk, and there was this… this lady, and she was pretty and she liked me..” he sighed and walked over, sitting down next to him on the bed, fidgeting with the crystal around his neck.

Leo rubbed his shoulder gently.

He looked up at him. “I… I thought she liked me, but I think she thought I was.. s-some kind of prostitute..? B-but she took me to her room, and it was.. it was fine, it was a lot, but… but it felt good to be used by somebody else… a-and not worry about it you know..?”

Leo frowned at him, staring sadly into his eyes.

Raph looked away and stared at their reflections in the closet mirror. He felt small next to Leo again. It made it worse, made his tears worse.

“She… she thought I was a girl, and I just… Didn’t correct her… I-I think I can’t correct people anymore, my brain is just… so used to it… and then she.. sh-she was calling me good girl and stuff, and I didn’t even care.. f-felt good to be that for a second… b-but then I had to say it too, a-and, fuck Leo, I just…” he keeled over and softly sobbed into his knees.

He felt Leo lean over him to hold him, rubbing his shoulders. “Raph… I’m so sorry…” Leo was shaking a little, he was probably trying to hold in his own tears for him.

He whined and rubbed his eyes, sitting up again and staring right into Leo’s sad, teary eyes.

“She paid me. She… she came inside me, then she threw money at me and told me to go…”

Leo looked queasy. Raph was so glad it was queasy and not angry.

“I feel like I’m… I’m everything dad said I would be… I-I don’t know..”

Leo just wrapped his arms around his shoulders and held him tight. The act made him start sobbing again. So he hugged him back and gripped his shell tightly as he could, letting himself feel as small and stupid as he wanted. 

“You’re not what Dad told you, you never were... You’re my brother, you’re Raph and you’re stronger than all of that.. I-I’m sorry someone hurt you again and I couldn’t do anything about it, couldn't protect you…”

He groaned and balled his fists on Leo’s back. “I’m not supposed to need you to protect me! I-I should be fine on my own! I-I don’t want to need you, Leo! I want to be okay again!”

Leo rested his chin on top of his head and rubbed his shell. “I know… You don’t need me, I know, but I need you to be safe. And I don’t mean that in any bullshit turtle way that makes me wanna vomit, okay? I mean that as the brother who didn’t fucking notice what Dad was doing to you all that time…” He let out a shuddery breath and pulled Raph closer. “I mean that like you protect me, I protect you. We’re the big brothers together now, we’re strong together.”

Raph pulled back to wipe his eyes and stare up at Leo in awe. “You.. y-you mean that..? T-together..?”

Leo smiled sadly and punched his shoulder lightly. “Of course, you big idiot! We’re in this together, equal partners. Okay? I’m here to get you into trouble and keep you out of it too. And you can show me to this bar and we can beat this lady up together!”

He laughed between his cries and shook his head. “I-I don’t want to do that, okay..? It’s not her fault… She thought I was older…”

“Seriously? What kind of place is Big Mama running here?”

Raph sighed and flopped back on the bed, laying down on his side to keep looking at Leo. “She said adult things happen sometimes, I don’t know… I-I just shouldn’t have gone there on my own...”

Leo flopped down beside him to face him and stared into his eyes. “I know you trust her, I’m not trying to argue, I just find it weird. And I’m trying to make sure we’re all safe. I know you want that too.”

Raph nodded a little and nuzzled his head into the fluffiest pillow he’d ever felt. “This is so much nicer than the couch… and the couch is really nice.”

Leo laughed and rolled over to lay on his back. “Yeah, I can’t deny that.”

“I’m… I’m sorry I ran away… I feel really messed up in the head right now.” He admitted, looking down and tugging at the sheets.

“It’s okay, I don’t blame you. Anybody would feel messed up in your shoes.” Leo shifted his weight and Raph felt the soft blanket cover them both, he let himself feel the weight of the thick duvet and hummed softly at how nice it felt. 

“I… Should tell you we think Mama diagnosed me…”

Leo looked over at him, lying on his side under the blanket and tilted his head. “Yeah? What’s the verdict?”

“I… I’m pretty sure it’s dissociative identity disorder like you said… but she kind of talked to one of the other ones more than me, so I don’t really remember…”

Leo just stared at him for a while.

“I’m glad we know.”

Raph laughed a little and looked up at him. “No ‘I told you so’?”

He smiled. “Nah, your brain is too complicated for me to want to say I told you so.”

Raph laughed again and leaned in to press his head against his chest. “The voices are part of it too, I think… Just too many people in my head...”

Leo draped his arm over him. “So Dad lives on in there, huh?”

“Unfortunately…”

“Well, I’m always game for a rematch. He can’t hurt me cuz I’m out here.”

Raph laughed and leaned into the hold. “I mean, unless some day he takes me over.”

“Bah, I’m not scared of you. Sides, well just use Mikey’s magic mama card and you’ll be fine. Dad’s not more powerful than how much you love us.”

Raph looked up at him teary eyed and Leo looked back at him with worry.

“What? Did I say something stupid?”

“No.. just… You’re right. You said something helpful. I do love you guys more than I fear him...”

Leo smiled and laughed. “Jesus, that sounds corny when you say it.”

Raph grinned and hugged him around his chest. “You said it first.”

“God, my bad.” He kissed the top of his head.

Raph just laughed and let himself be embraced by his brother. It felt normal again.

…But it could be more normal.

“Tell me a fucked up cope joke.” Raph said suddenly.

Leo chuckled, he felt his chest rumble as he did. “Okay. I’m glad you found a solution cuz your fear stink had a problem of turning me on.”

Raph gasped and playfully shoved him away. “Leo!”

“Pfft, that’s all I had! I’m sorry!”

Raph laughed and propped his head up on his elbow. “Okay. I’m glad I’m not alone in that then, cuz, ugh, the turtle liked being fought over… I know I was scared, but... Me scared equals me horny…”

Leo burst out laughing and shoved him. “Blugh, don’t tell me that!”

"You started it!”

They both laughed and rolled onto their backs on the bed.

“Ugh… the worst part of those cages wasn’t the rape, it was the isolation…” Raph said quietly.

Leo nodded and let out a sad sigh. “I just wanted to pick everyone up and hold them…”

“I hated when you left… That’s what fucks me up most, you would come in and make me feel like shit, and then you’d be gone... And I was alone in that... That used feeling..."

He heard Leo sniffle and looked over to see him crying.

“I.. I felt so little and stupid… Like we couldn’t get out of stupid little boxes made for kids, and we had to… God Raph, I felt like the biggest failure…”

Raph gripped his hand. “We got out… it just took a while, it’s not your fault…”

Leo looked over at him miserably. “You said… Dad always wanted our kid..”

Raph felt his own eyes water and he nodded.

“And now we’re having one, and he’s dead…” He continued.

Raph nodded again, letting tears fall.

“That’s so fucking evil…”

Raph laughed and wiped his eyes. “You know what would be more evil? If it was a girl… What a waste, imagine how mad he would be… ”

Leo couldn’t help but laugh too, leaning over to wipe Raph’s eyes. “I’m glad she doesn’t have to suffer like we did then… Just a quick lights out, no pain…”

He sighed and looked up at the ceiling. “It feels mean, but I really don’t want more of us running around… We’re fucked up enough, what would they inherit, you know..?”

“Not to mention birth defects…” Leo mumbled.

Raph absentmindedly touched his stomach. “Mama says we should like… hold a memorial or something… to process it…”

Leo hummed and nodded. “It’s… not a bad idea, I guess. I’m not sad they’re leaving, it just feels shitty to know they exist in any way at all…”

Raph grabbed Leo’s hand and placed it on his stomach. Leo looked him in the eye nervously.

“What are you doing…?”

“Tell me you’re sorry… Tell them, I guess…”

Leo winced. “Raph…”

“Please..? It.. it helps to talk about it…”

Leo eyed him nervously and then gripped his stomach softly. “I… I’m sorry you had to be… conceived how you did.. I would never have… ugh…” He clearly felt weird about this.

“Pretend I’m not here. I... I talk to them too, obviously, but just let it out, I don’t care..” Raph coaxed.

Leo sighed. “I’m sorry. You didn’t ask to be made anymore than we did. I’m sorry you’re part of this fucked up family tree, and I’m sorry that being alive would have brought you more pain than what we’re gonna do… but Raph’s done raising kids, and we’re done cleaning up Dad’s messes…”

Raph smiled a little and watched Leo tear up again. He’d been ignoring the egg part of this situation long enough, and Raph knew he needed to talk it through with himself.

“But that’s not fair on you, any more than it was fair on us being punished for being born wrong… Raph’s a great mom on his own, but he doesn’t need to be, and I’d die before I let him deal with that again, especially if I’m half to blame…”

Raph put his hands on Leo’s and held it softly.

“I know I’m not really to blame, but still… I’m sorry you’re part of me. And I probably will feel shitty in the back of my mind about this forever. But between you and us, I have to pick us.”

“I pick us too…” Raph said softly, smiling at him through his tears.

Leo looked up at him sadly like he forgot he was there, attached to the babies in his belly.

“I… that did help, you were right…” he wiped his eyes.

Raph let go of his hand to roll over and hug him again.

Leo just let himself be held as he cried softly into him, and the two of them lay like that until they fell asleep.

Raph was in the cage again. But this time there was a crowd.

At the front of it was his father, sneering and watching his every move like a hawk. More faces were behind him, faces of strange creatures he barely recognized. Yokai. 

He wasn’t alone in his cage right now. He felt himself get knocked to the ground from behind, then looked up to see Leo with glowing white eyes, looking through him and standing above him blankly.

His cock was out and Raph was on the ground, and a crowd was watching them, and they were cheering.

Raph couldn’t move as this horrible barely there version of his brother pinned him down to the ground and mounted him.

Every time he tried to scream, moans came out instead. He couldn’t move, his arms felt like lead as he felt Leo enter him and start thrusting.

People were shouting and whistling as Leo fucked him. Leo didn’t make a sound, made no indication if he enjoyed this or not, just stared at him blankly without any irises on his eyeballs.

At some point he must have finished, because Raph saw his own stomach blow up like a balloon, as if he’d become human pregnant in an instant.

And then bits of paper started raining from the ceiling.

Money.

They’d been paid for this display.

He saw his father out of the corner of his eye, laughing without sound.

He didn’t need to see his mouth to know what he was saying about him.

Slut.

Raph jolted upright in bed, pushing Leo off him and making him groan.

He stared blankly at the wall and held his hands over his mouth, breathing hard and shakily.

He knew it was a dream, he knew his mind was putting the worst things together and just trying to hurt him for no reason, he knew that.

But what was killing him was a horrible warm feeling in his tail. A wet and warm feeling that he could feel down there.

Had he enjoyed that?

“Raph..?” Leo said softly beside him. He sat up and gently placed a hand on his shoulder, trying to reassure him.

Raph didn’t look over. He was too busy thinking about his disgusting wet tail.

“Do you wanna talk about it…?” Leo asked gently.

“Cage…” he whispered.

Leo nodded a little and didn’t let go. “Yeah… I saw one too…”

Raph looked at him out of the corner of his eye. “Y-you were… you weren’t home…”

Leo frowned and draped his arm over his shoulder. “I’m home. I’m here now.”

“Y-you were… f-fucking me for a crowd… th-they paid us…”

His eyes grew sad as he squeezed him closer. “I’m sorry…”

He couldn’t help but let his eyes water. “L-Leo I’m so fucked in the head…”

“I know, it’s okay…”

Raph whimpered and shoved him off. “N-no… I dreamed something… h-horrible, and r-right now I’m…”

Leo just stared at him confused, waiting for an answer.

“M-my tail is… w-wet… a-and I kind of wish I was dead..”

Leo took a minute to react to that. And then he took a big sigh. Raph wanted to die even more.

But he just wrapped both arms around him and held him tight.

“It’s okay... I know you feel like shit, but it’s normal… You’re scared, like you said; you scared makes you horny… It’s okay, Raph I get it…”

He sobbed softly and hugged him back. “I-I’m sorry for being gross…”

He rubbed his back. “You’re not gross, you’re traumatized and that’s how you deal with it… It’s okay, I still love you…”

He let Leo hold him for a while, gently rocking him until he felt too tired.

He unwrapped himself from Leo’s arms and lay back down on his side, Leo flopped down to face him, watching him worriedly. “It’s a good thing you can’t smell me right now, isn’t it…?”

Leo made a face and frowned. “Do you really think I would do that to you…?”

Raph looked up at him sadly. “I.. I don’t know, it.. it really felt like that earlier…”

Leo reached his hand out to touch his. “Look, I get why you’re scared, but even if I get a good whiff of you I’m not going to just… I’m still your brother. And I know I was really worried, but Raph, I’m not going to do that…”

“Y-you did it before…” he said softly.

Leo’s eyes watered. “I-I did… A-and I’m sorry… but that was Stockman’s drugs, not just us... Even if you didn’t have that thing on, yeah I might start panicking, but god I would never do that.”

“I-I feel like I would…” Raph said quietly.

Leo frowned and cupped his cheek. “That’s cuz you always try to please people who hurt you… It’s how you respond to that, but I’d rather be hit a billion times than do that to you, okay…?”

Raph put a hand on the one on his cheek and clasped his fingers with it. “O-okay… I-I trust you, Leo…”

He leaned in to kiss Leo’s forehead.

“I trust you too… Now go back to sleep, and stop thinking about fucking me…” He smiled playfully, making Raph laugh.

They fell asleep holding hands.

Chapter Text

Raph and Leo woke up the next morning to their brothers jumping on the bed. Mostly Mikey, but Donnie did flop and lay on top of both of them, which woke them up pretty quick.

“Wake up! Come on! They delivered a huuuuge tray of food!” Mikey yelled as he jumped.

“Mikey won’t let us eat until you get up!” Donnie whined as he wiggled on top of them.

Raph sat up and rubbed his eyes, looking around the room. “M’up, stop bouncing it upsets my stomach…” He mumbled.

Donnie rolled off immediately and Mikey flopped on top of Leo who responded with a soft groan.

“What time is it..?” Leo asked with a yawn.

“Who cares there’s FOOD!” Mikey yelled in his ear.

Leo groaned loudly in response, and Raph laughed and carefully stood up. He felt a little wobbly.

He felt heavier today.

Donnie seemed to notice his apprehension and moved to stand against him, taking Raph’s arm and putting it over his shoulders so he could lean on him.

Raph frowned and refrained from doing so.

“I’m fine, don’t do that…” he said quietly. “It’s just like the regular eggs, it doesn’t hurt…”

Donnie pouted and got out from under him.

The real reason was he didn’t want to put added weight on Donnie’s bad joints, and it was bothering him that his chronically in pain brother wanted to ease HIS pain. That made it feel weird. That made it worse.

Leo seemed to notice but didn’t say anything as he finally got up and decided to manhandle Mikey into a fireman's carry over his shoulder.

Mikey just laughed with joy, having succeeded at getting him up.

“What's for breakfast?” Raph asked.

“EVERYTHING!” Mikey shrieked from Leo’s back.

They laughed and walked into the main room, there was a giant fancy trolly full of every breakfast food they could imagine on fancy metal trays and plates, glass jugs of milk and what was probably orange juice, baskets of bread and toast, and a few variety packs of travel cereal.

Raph just stared at it and Donnie stood in front of it with his back to it.

“Ta da.” He gestured to it without looking before turning around. “Mikey can I fucking eat now?”

“Wait for me!” He was struggling to get out of Leo’s grip, he’d managed to get upside down in his arms but Leo wasn’t letting up, laughing at his attempts.

“You’re never getting out of this! Muahahaha!” Leo laughed and started tickling his sides, making Mikey shriek.

Raph just rolled his eyes and walked up to the spread and picked up a tiny box of cereal and stared at it.

“Ow! Hey, that's playing dirty!” Raph looked up, Mikey had bitten Leo’s thigh to get him to let go.

Raph ignored the feeling of knowing just how much those teeth could hurt as he idly touched the bandage on his neck.

Mikey ran up to stuff his face with bacon and french toast.

Leo rubbed his thigh and grumbled, looking at the box in Raph’s hand with a laugh. “You see all that and you immediately go for a kids box of cereal? Figures.”

Raph furrowed his brows and looked back at the box. He turned to look at the spread again, everything looked so fancy he wasn’t sure what to do.

Donnie clapped him on the back. “Shut up Leo, any food is better than none. Eat your cereal Raph.”

He found the pitcher of milk on the tray and decided to just eat the cereal in the plastic bag of the box.

Leo shook his head and went for toast and eggs.

Raph walked over to the kitchen counter and sat down, shovelling cereal in his mouth.

Mikey was eating right off the trays, having a little of everything. Donnie did mostly the same but was more picky about his choices.

“Kind of a lot of food isn’t it?” Leo asked as he sat beside Raph.

Raph shrugged and kept eating his cereal.

“I think maybe they’re trying to feed the pregnant person.” Donnie shrugged.

Raph swallowed hard and looked at his cereal. “I… guess that’s fair… pretty wasteful if I just eat this then…” He thought about putting it down.

“Abupbup, finish that then see if you’re still hungry.” Donnie interrupted his thought.

He sighed and kept eating, speaking with his mouth full. “It’s such bullshit, you know I don’t eat much..”

Leo laughed, spitting food out as he did. He swallowed it hard and kept laughing. “Fucking hilarious if it’ll take this to make you eat right.”

“Leo!” Mikey chastised from the trolley.

Raph sighed and finished his box of cereal, tossing it aside. “No… no it’s fine, he’s right, I don’t take care of myself… Ugh, why the hell do I need to eat for glorified abortions…” he rubbed his stomach and leaned over the counter, staring off.

Donnie hopped up beside him and put a hand on his lower back. “Cuz they’re eating all your nutrients. They’re parasites, you just have to keep your strength up.” He said matter-of-factly.

Raph closed his eyes and put his fists against his eyeballs, trying to stop himself from crying. He didn’t know why that hurt to hear him say.

“Agh, Donnie…” he heard Leo mumble from his other side.

“What? They are! They’re literally draining him of his strength that’s what’s physically happening! Hence the big breakfast!”

‘Father says we’re parasites! We’re eating you from inside!’

Raph slammed his head on the counter and clasped the back of his head with his hands.

Everything he said just made them sound more alive.

“I… I’m sorry, is that not… helpful?” Donnie sounded confused.

“No, Donnie, it’s not.” Leo answered for him.

He was crying silently against the counter, trying to keep himself still. He felt multiple hands on his back and he just sat there, crying away.

“Hey, it’s okay, talk to us…” Leo soothed.

“F-fuck you…” he grumbled. He’d been the one to bring up his eating habits, this was his fault.

Hands retreated from his back.

“Oh… is this… I shouldn’t have called them parasites should I?” Raph turned his head to glare at Donnie from the counter, he caught his eye and he saw Donnie frown, looking guilty. “Right… I know how you are about duds, so that was… stupid…”

He just turned his head back to the counter, and tried to breathe.

He felt someone place a plate in front of him and snapped his head up to yell before seeing it was Mikey, who’d made a plate of his favourite breakfast foods for him.

“You don’t have to eat all of it, but I think you should eat more. Cuz you look a little more hungry.” He gave him a half hearted smile.

Raph felt his heart melt, pulling Mikey in for a hug. “Th-thank you…”

Mikey didn’t seem surprised by this and just hugged him back, giving his shell a pat.

Raph sniffed and pulled away, digging into the plate Mikey had brought him. At least Mikey was being okay, but he was always in his corner.

He sensed his brothers hop down and walk away but he didn’t care anymore, just wanted food. He tried to just think about eating because he wanted to, and not worry about why he was so hungry.

Something in his brain told him that eggs needed calcium, and that calcium was in milk. He turned around to go back to the tray and find the jug of milk and saw his brothers whispering at the sofa. He stopped to glare at them before picking the entire pitcher of milk up and deciding to chug it, as if it was a pitcher of beer at a party.

They just kind of watched him in awe as he finished the whole thing and slammed it back down. He then let out a long and loud belch. Which they all just stared at him for.

Mikey clapped for him so he took a theatrical bow.

Donnie gave him a funny look. “Is that new jewellery?”

He realized the charm had fallen out when he did that and clutched it instinctively, folding it back inside his bathrobe. “Don’t worry about that.” He said quickly. He was sure explaining it would make Donnie only more curious and request to see the effect.

“It looked like one of Draxum’s crystals, can I see?!” He asked excitedly as he stepped closer.

“No!” Raph took a step back and glared at him.

Donnie paused and rubbed his arm. “Oh. Sorry...”

Raph sighed and turned back to the plate Mikey had made him, staring at it hard. He was fucking exhausted and starving and angry and sad...

Ugh. He was pregnant.

That’s what the problem was, wasn’t it? He was basically 6 months pregnant and it was messing with his head. He was hormonal.

God he wished Big Mama hadn’t banned him from that bar, the drunkenness had been the best feeling he’d had in weeks! Peaceful, happy, calm, unable to worry about anything!

‘Gonna give the babies fetal alcohol syndrome?!’

“Shut up!” He gripped his head.

‘Wow, what a slut, you should have been kept in that cage for your own safety.’

He groaned loudly and slammed his head down on the counter again.

“Raph..?” Mikey wandered up and sat beside him.

‘Go ahead, stupid girl, tell him how you need that charm to stop yourself from turning them all on!’

“GO AWAY!” He screamed and jumped off the stool, punching aimlessly in the air.

That voice was too familiar.

He heard Mikey chirp and looked down at him, feeling tears on his cheeks again. He was just looking at him worriedly.

“I-I… s-sorry Mikey, I didn’t mean you…”

He nodded. “I know… who’s… who did you hear..? You looked… extra scared.”

Raph sighed and closed his eyes. “I don’t wanna talk about it. I’m sick of crying.” He glared back down at his plate.

“Well… I think crying helps. If you don’t cry then it just stays in your brain forever.” He reached up to touch his forehead with his index finger, Raph just stared at him. “And I’d rather your brain be less full. You know?”

Raph waved his finger off. “I get it. But I’ve really... I’ve cried so much in the last 24 hours I just don’t want to anymore, Mikey…”

Mikey smiled sadly and leaned his cheek against Raph’s arm. “Yeah, I get that, I’m sorry…”

Raph just let him lean on him as he idly picked things off his plate to eat.

At some point he finally felt full and got up without warning, leaving Mikey sitting there by himself. When he turned he saw Leo and Donnie sitting together on the couch. It looked like they were trying not to bother him so he decided to hop down and stand in front of them.

They eyed him warily.

Raph held up the charm for Donnie. “You wanna know what this is?”

Donnie stared at him nervously and nodded.

He pulled it off and he watched them both keel over and hold their noses, their pupils turning into pinpricks. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Mikey do the same.

He put it back on and folded his arms. “You’re all just as fucked as I am, okay? So please just stop acting like I’m fucking broken.”

“F-fuck, what was that?!” Donnie yelled as he rubbed his snout.

“Fucking charm stops you from smelling me. So that was me!”

Donnie looked at him sadly, his eyes were watering. “D-don’t take that off again…”

Raph laughed darkly and flopped on the sofa beside him. “No? I smell that bad?”

“You… smell like something bad happened to you…”

He shrugged and grabbed the remote, idly looking at things available. “Bad shit happens to me all the time. You’re just part of it now, sorry.”

Leo was giving him a seriously frustrated look which he ignored.

Mikey climbed down to sit beside him and hug his arm quietly.

He closed his eyes for a moment and then shot Donnie a glare. “Donnie you called your own baby a parasite eating me from inside.”

He saw him stiffen. “I-it’s.. not a baby…”

“It’s your baby. You made one. Guess what, you each have one. They talk to me, and yours didn’t like that.”

“Raph…” Leo said sternly.

“Oh fuck off, Leo, you fucking started this by giving me shit for grabbing a box of cereal like I was a fucking child! Which by the way! I still am!” He glared at him darkly, it made him wince and look away.

“Raphie..?” Mikey said softly from his arm.

He sighed and looked down at him, he was crying.

“Th-they’re talking to you…?”

Raphs eyes softened and he looked away. “Big Mama says it’s DID. Leo won. So yeah, they’re talking to me. Everybody is talking all the time and I can’t control it.”

“That’s… sad, I’m sorry…” he hugged his arm tighter.

Raph sighed and rubbed his eyes.  “I’m sorry… I’m… I’m obviously fucking hormonal, I shouldn’t be like this right now…”

“It’s okay…” Mikey said softly and nuzzled against him. “I can take it…”

Raph winced and looked down at him. Something in those words suddenly bothered him. Something about the way Mikey had been the entire time was now bothering him. He hadn't been protective like Leo and Donnie, no, but he'd been... Bearing the brunt of his emotions. Not saying anything about this own. And suddenly Raph had this… horrible feeling of deja vu. Like he was in Mikey’s shoes before.

Hearing all the horrible things his mother ever said about their dad to him. When he was too young to process it all.

And what was he doing right now?

“I… Mikey? Do you.. want to join me at therapy today..?”

Mikey looked up at him in surprise. “M-me? Why?”

“I… I kinda wanna talk about something with you…”

Mikey nodded quickly. “O-okay! Yeah! Whatever you need!”

He winced, he was too eager to help him.

“Let me just… go call her, cuz if we try to find the waiting room we get lost…” He mumbled, making his way over to the phone.

Mama was delighted by the idea of having Mikey join them. Raph vaguely explained his fears of treating Mikey the way his mother had treated him and she told him that was very ‘emotionally intelligent’ and that she would be happy to help.

So he was now wandering the halls following her receptionist while holding tightly to Mikey’s hand. Raph told Mikey not to let go of his hand while they walked, he felt uneasy about the people here after yesterday.

They’d found him a hotel branded dress shirt and slacks so he could stop feeling exposed, but also so he wasn’t walking around in a bathrobe, as this was supposed to be a fancy establishment. The hoodie and sweatpants from yesterday were being laundered for him, and Big Mama was offering to supply them with more clothing for him to choose from. It was really generous, especially because he wasn’t sure about his current clothing, it felt too… Form fitting. And he really hated his form right now.

He wasn’t sure he’d ever want to look at his original clothes again though.

They got led back into the elevator and set off to go talk to Big Mama, she was waiting with open arms sitting on the chaise lounge.

“Hello Mikey!” She called sweetly.

He looked up at Raph for permission to let go of his hand now and Raph nodded as the door was closed. He immediately ran up to the sweets and started eating them.

Raph awkwardly wandered over after him, wringing his hands.

“I’m so happy you’re here!” She told Mikey as she moved to sit in the arm chair.

Raph gave Mikey a tap to make him pay attention to the adult in the room. He looked up with a full mouth and swallowed hard, smiling apologetically and waving.

“Uh, hi! Sorry, you just make good cookies!”

Raph shook his head as he sat down, twiddling with the charm around his neck.

Mikey sat down beside him and looked between the two.

“Do you know why Raph asked you to come, Mikey?” She asked him.

He looked up at Raph confused and then back at her, shaking his head.

Mama looked at Raph. “Would you like to explain?”

Raph rubbed his neck and looked into Mikey’s sweet, all too eager to help eyes. “I… I want to explain some stuff to you, and I’m not sure how… I’m kinda worried about how… How we are with each other? But… but it’s not that I think it’s bad, I don’t.. I never mind this… Mom thing, you know that, but I think I’ve never had a good example of like.. what a mom is supposed to be…”

Mikey frowned and put his hand on Raph’s knee. “It’s okay, I’ve been saying that for years.”

He couldn’t help but laugh a little as he looked up at Big Mama. She gestured for him to continue.

“What I mean is… you know how Mom always… always let me in on her big problems? And I felt like it was my job to hear it? Cuz that messed me up a lot, Mikey… and I’m worried that you’re doing for me what I did for her…”

He looked down at him, feeling really teary eyed. Mikey looked sad and teary and reached up to brush them away. “You said you didn’t wanna cry anymore today..” He said softly, lip trembling.

Raph sighed and shook his head. “See? You’re literally crying too and you’re asking about me.”

“I-I’m fine!” He protested.

Raph saw Mama lean over and clasp her hands together. “Mikey, I think Raph is worried about you not experiencing your own emotions just to take his on, much like what your mother did to him. He knows you love him and he’s happy with that, but I think perhaps we need to set some boundaries.”

“I-I don’t need boundaries! Raph’s just going through a lot right now!”

Raph clasped his hand over his mouth to try and keep himself from crying. He sounded just like him.

Mama just nodded sympathetically. “But Raph might go through a lot forever, and it’s not your job to juggle his feelings. You’re still just a child too, and you need the space to be your own person with your own feelings. I think you’ve been ignoring them for a while. You’re a very good brother, but I’d like to know how YOU are right now…”

Mikey looked up at Raph but he wouldn’t look back, he was just holding his hand over his mouth trying to stop from crying. He felt like shit.

“I… I guess I'm… I’m sad? And worried? And angry… I’m pretty angry, honestly.”

“Anger is good, who are you angry at?”

“Well, Dad…” he sighed. “And Splinter. Kinda Donnie and Leo.”

“Why are you mad at your brothers?”

“They… they got really.. Mean about breakfast. Leo was making fun of Raph for not eating, and Donnie called the eggs parasites? And it was really obvious why that was mean and he didn’t get it! Plus they were so.. so aggressive yesterday, they kept fighting and making Raph scared! So I told them I would be in charge of helping now!”

Raph took a deep breath. "You should not be in charge of helping me, Mikey. You're just a kid..."

Mikey snapped his head up to look at him sadly, but he just kept looking at Big Mama.

She was taking notes.

“Is there anyone you’re angry at on your own behalf? Forget about Raph for a second. Has anyone hurt YOU that you’re angry about?”

Mikey looked down and twiddled his thumbs. “I… I don’t know…”

Raph looked at him miserably.

“I… My dad never really liked me.. I know everybody else had it worse, Raph was… you know, and Leo got hit for acting out, Donnie was too in pain to do much, but… but I felt forgotten? Cuz I was small, and so he.. I think I’m only small cuz he didn’t remember I existed... I think I would be as big as my brothers if I got.. better care? I don’t know...”

She nodded and urged him to continue.

“I… I like saying Raph is my mom cuz otherwise I don’t have anybody… Splinter likes me cuz I’m like… self sufficient. And I think I’m only like that cuz she’s never been a good mom to me. I was a baby. I don't remember her, but I remember Raph. And.. and so I can’t blame him, cuz he was just trying to be a good brother, and it’s not his fault that I just kinda imprinted on him.”

“Is that what you think happened?”

Mikey looked up at her sadly. “I don’t know… maybe? Just… Ugh I know it sounds bad, but maybe my stupid turtle brain saw a female taking care of me right..? Does that sound like it makes sense?”

Mama smiled sadly and nodded. “Of course, it makes sense. Why do you think you have a different relationship than Donnie though? Aren’t you twins?”

Mikey looked up at Raph, he was just watching him wide eyed now. “We are, but Donnie was more left alone cuz he wanted to be, he kind of absorbed more stuff than me. I think I got babied by my brothers, so he feels older. And obviously I look way younger than him, and the cycle of being too small and getting smaller from not being well taken care of… I-I don’t know, maybe I’m thinking about myself too much, Donnie could have died so many times…”

“I want you to keep thinking about yourself, that’s why you’re here!” She smiled.

He looked over at her. “I…I know we all went through it, but I.. the… the drugs in the cages… I barely understood what sex was, and it… it makes me feel really bad… I-I’d never seen my… my thing before a-and that’s not fair…” he was crying now. Raph gently reached out to grab his hand.

She frowned and held out a box of tissues which he took, blowing his nose.

“It’s not fair. You’re right. That would have been a private moment you have with yourself, not like that. That should never have happened and I’m sorry…”

“I… I called out to Raph like he was my mom.. and I woke him up, and then.. th-then I had to keep going, cuz he wouldn’t… D-Dad would have done something, and I had to…”

Raph covered his mouth to keep himself quiet.

“I had to be the grownup. I had to push him down and… and break through and do the bad thing dad wanted. So I guess I get what you mean… I don’t want to hide how I feel and the stuff I felt… I-I just… I-I had to do it to Raph…?”

Raph couldn’t help the sob that broke through his hand and Mikey turned to look at him miserably.

“O-oh! I’m sorry!” He wrapped his arms around him tightly and Raph shook his head.

“N-no, don’t be sorry! You had to do something horrible and I’m so so sorry Mikey!”

“B-but I did the horrible thing to YOU!”

Raph whined and held Mikey’s hands firmly. He put on a stern face to try and be the grown up Mikey needed him to be.

“I know. But it wasn’t to me, okay? You went through something horrible and so did I. Dad did that to us. It’s neither of our faults. And I’m sorry if I haven’t said that enough, but I’m more sad about what you went through than the fact that it happened to me. I never ever wanted you to experience anything like that, it’s not fair and you’re only little and it’s horrible, it’s too horrible to even talk about, and I’m sorry. But you CAN and SHOULD talk about how you feel. Don’t worry about me, look at me? I’m getting help! And that’s partially cuz of you being my rock for so long Mikey, but I’m okay. No more rock needed. You need the rock now, okay?”

Mikey was just looking up at him and crying.

Raph smiled sadly and gripped his cheeks, pulling his head close to kiss the top of his head. “I don’t mind being your mom. But that means that I have to be better here, that means I can’t rely on you the same way I do on Leo. And honestly I don’t want to rely on Donnie either. I love you, baby brother, and I want you to grow up better than I did…”

Mikey was just staring at him for a while, trembling and letting his face be held. He looked so sad.

“I-I really don’t wanna be like you, Raphie…” he finally said with a sniffle.

Raph just laughed sadly and nodded. “I-I agree! I don’t want you to be like me either!”

Mikey just pulled himself in for a tight hug and pressed his cheek against his plastron.

Mama smiled at them both. “That was very good. Good honesty and boundary setting. Have a cookie, you both deserve it.”

Raph leaned down and grabbed one for both of them, Mikey took it gently and smiled at him.

“Thank you…”

Raph smiled and took a bite.

“Mikey? Is there anything else on your mind you’d like to talk about?” Mama asked.

Mikey looked over at her, nibbling politely on his cookie. “Um… I-I haven’t really.. thought about the eggs… and Raph said one is… is mine..?”

Mama nodded sadly at him. “How does that make you feel?”

“Gross… it’s like… living proof of what happened… I know everybody feels weird cuz it’s supposed to be a turtle like us, but I just… I can’t think about that, I just don’t want to see it…”

Raph wiped his eyes and nodded.

“That’s a fair way to think about it. Is there any part of you that feels bad about what’s going to happen to them?”

He shrugged. “I guess maybe a little bit, but as far as I’m concerned I’m still the baby here, no way am I letting those things take that!” He grinned.

Raph laughed and rubbed his eyes.

“Is that really how you feel?” Mama asked seriously.

Mikeys face fell. “I… I really don’t have any good feelings about them, honestly there’s no part that doesn’t want them gone. And I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings, Raph…”

Raph shook his head and wiped his eyes. “No, no.. I really get it. I don’t blame you. It’s not me who cares, it’s just the stupid voices in my head making me think I do…”

Mikey looked up at him and tilted his head. “You said the eggs are a voice now… does… are they specific…?”

Raph looked back down at him, holding his stomach. “Not really...? I think my brain is trying to make me feel guilty for getting rid of them, so they just kinda.. make me feel bad about stuff. But it’s not killing me or anything, and it’s okay that you don’t care about them, it’s just my own bullshit. You’ve been really good about not saying anything to set them off… besides when you opened the door on me looking at myself in the mirror.”

Mikey pouted. “I’m sorry about that… that’s.. boundaries isn’t it..?”

Raph nodded and draped his arm over his back. “I can’t guarantee I’m gonna be perfect while I’m still carrying these, so if I ask for space I do need it... but I really need you to not worry as much as you are. I wanna worry about you. You’re still the baby.”

Mikey looked uneasy about that but leaned into his touch anyway. “I-If my one is in there yelling at you? You can tell it I told it to shut up.”

Raph laughed a little and looked down at his stomach. “Thanks Mikey, I will…”

“Do you have anything you want to say to the eggs?” Mama asked.

Mikey frowned and looked at Raph’s stomach. “What would I say?”

Raph sighed. “It.. kinda helped my brain to just… tell them I was sorry, but if you have different feelings it’s okay.”

Mikey put a shaky hand on Raph’s stomach and stared at it hard.

“I’m mad at you. You’re hurting my brother, you’re making him feel sick and I don’t care if it’s not your fault.” His hand gripped tighter and his eyes narrowed. “I… I know it’s not. You didn’t ask to be made, but still. You exist cuz of the worst thing in the world and I need that thing to go away, so you have to too…”

Raph took deep breaths as he watched Mikey. It somewhat hurt how little he really felt about them, but this wasn’t about his feelings. And Mikey was probably right, that’s what really hurt.

“I think I’d be able to break you myself cuz of how mad I am, but obviously I’m just too angry and that wouldn’t be good for me. So I guess you’re safe from my wrath, but if you keep making Raph cry you’re gonna regret it.”

He pulled his hand back and looked up at Raph, his eyes softening as he could see the tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry, was that…?”

“No no, it’s.. it’s fine. You’re right. I’m sorry you’ve been keeping that anger to yourself, Mikey…”

He pouted and looked back down at his stomach. “You don’t really look pregnant, but we can still tell…”

Raph frowned and thumbed over the pendant around his neck. “Is it the smell..?”

“No, you just look… different. It was kinda similar when you started getting into your season or whatever, but now… it’s weird, you’re not as big as you were then but you look full…” his eyes widened and he tended up and looked down. “That sounded mean, I’m sorry.”

Raph chuckled and hugged himself. “No I know… got that pregnancy glow don’t I?”

Mikey smiled sadly and nodded. “Yeah, that’s probably it… kinda human of you.”

Raph smiled at that. He’d never had much opportunity to think of any part of him as human, so as fucked up as it was it felt somewhat nice to hear.

“Now Mikey I do have a question for you, but this is about Raph so if you’d like to keep talking about yourself you can, or we could set up more private sessions together.”

Mikey turned to her and gripped the edge of the chaise, kicking his feet a little. “No, I think I’m gonna be okay, what’s the question?”

“Are you… aware of Raph’s other personalities?”

Mikey looked down and furrowed his brows.

“I only ask because it helps to have a source for how long that’s been going on, and as he remembers less about himself than maybe you three would.”

He kept looking down. “Yeah… It makes sense to ask… I… I know Leo talks about the bad one sometimes, but I don’t think I really know that one…”

She raised her brows. “You know another one?”

Mikey looked up at her and nodded slowly.

Raph just stared at him nervously.

“I… I remember how Raph would get when dad came to get him… he kinda turned… small? H-he learned to obey in a way that… scared me.”

Raph’s head was swimming. Mikey had seen him dragged away? And he wasn’t even dragged away he just… did it? If he saw him get taken away that meant…

‘Did Mikey see us get raped too?’

Raph keeled over suddenly, gripping his head.

Mikey snapped his head to look at him and touched his shell softly. “A-are you okay? Should I not…?”

“I-it’s fine, please keep going…” He said through gritted teeth. Part of his brain was begging him to shut up, but he knew maybe he needed to hear this.

Mikey paused before continuing. “I remember after he’d come out of dad’s room sometimes, maybe he was 8? And he’d just sit very quiet… It always scared me. I’d try and poke him out of it, but he didn’t really fight…”

Raph looked up at Mama, who gave him a knowing look before looking back at Mikey.

“Did it ever speak to you?”

“Um… maybe once? He asked if he was doing a good job…”

Raph couldn’t help the sobbing noise that came out of him. Hearing about his body moving on its own, the things he didn’t remember.

The idea confirming in his head that Shredder had him that young, and that Mikey met it…

Mama handed him a tissue and Mikey wrapped his arms around him. “I-I’m sorry! A-are you okay?!”

Raph wiped his eyes and looked at him. “I-I’m fine, just scary to think about…” he didn’t want to tell him the specifics about that one. The reason it was bothering him so much that he’d met that one. The reason his brain had made her.

“That was very helpful, Michelangelo, it gives me a good window to work with, thank you.”

Mikey snapped his head to look at her. “Is it really gonna help to know all this..? He’s just kind of like this, can you cure it?”

She frowned and shook her head. “No, but we can make it manageable. Treat it like how you treat Donnie’s knees. Some days he hurts, yes? So he needs support, other days he can walk on his own. Does that make sense?”

Mikey sighed and leaned against Raph. “Yeah, it makes sense…” he mumbled.

“Are you alright?” She asked.

Mikey frowned and wrapped his arms around Raph’s. “I think I’m just disappointed… kinda exhausted…”

“Therapy can be draining, and you’ve done a lot of good work today.”

He nodded a little and kept hugging Raph. “Is it bad that we’re like this..? Is that what our problem is..?”

She tutted. “No no, not at all. I think it’s sweet that you’ve found a parent in your brother, but I do think you should try to make those relationship boundaries clear for your sake. Being a parent isn’t what makes you reliant on a child, it should be the opposite, and clearly that’s how it started, but we want to make sure that you get a better relationship out of each other if that’s how you continue.”

Raph looked down at him and kissed his head. “I’m gonna be better, okay? Better than mom, and you’re gonna be better than me. We’re gonna be better.”

Mikey smiled up at him and nodded. “We’re gonna be better.” He repeated.

They wandered back to their room, Mikey had noticed the lack of buttons that used to be in the elevator and Raph just shrugged. He wasn’t going to tell him why that was. He’d told Mikey enough about his bullshit for a lifetime.

When they got back in they saw Donnie and Leo playing games on the TV, and Mikey bounced up and down with excitement to join them.

Raph held back in the doorway for a moment and watched them.

He kind of felt like a mom right now.

Leo saw Mikey jump on the couch and laughed, passing him the controller.

“Here, you take over for me. See if you can save my run.”

“Yes sir!” Mikey saluted as he took it.

Leo hopped over the couch and looked at Raph sympathetically.

He just shrugged back and rubbed his arm.

Leo wandered over and put a hand on his back, turning them away from the twins.

“Are you okay?” He asked quietly.

“I’m… sorry I was such a bitch this morning…” He said softly.

Leo frowned and flicked him in the shoulder. “Don’t call my brother that. He’s a little testy, but he’s just tryina survive right now.”

Raph rubbed the spot he flicked and looked over at the twins on the sofa for a moment. “I think I’m turning into mom… and I don’t want to… That’s why I wanted to take Mikey.”

Leo hummed and made him sit down at the counter. “How’d that go?”

“Good, I think…? Got Mikey to actually admit his feelings for once, he’s… way more angry than he’s letting on.” He sighed, tapping his fingers on the counter. “It.. took a while to explain that he’s turning into me in the bad way… but I think he gets it now… a lot of it’s on me. If he needs me to.. to be his mom, I should be careful about what I say.”

Leo nodded and rubbed his shoulder. “I’m proud of you both for that.”

He sighed and fidgeted with the ends of his mask tails. “I really don’t wanna be like that, Leo.. she made me feel so shitty about myself just cuz she never asked…”

“The fact you’re worried about it proves you’re doing better than her. Plus, getting Mikey therapy at the age Mom should have got it for you. You’re doing fine.”

He sighed and stared at the back of Mikey’s head. “I love that kid, I want him to stay a kid as long as he can…”

Leo spun himself on his own chair to look over and draped his arm over Raphs shoulders. “Yeah, they both deserve that. We did too, but it’s kinda late for us, huh?”

Raph chuckled and leaned his head against Leo’s chest. “Way too late for me for sure…”

“Hey, equal partners in this, remember?” Leo squeezed him lightly.

Raph smiled a little and looked up at him. “Equal partners.” He repeated.

“So you can parent Mikey all you need, Donnie too if he wants it, but me? I’m still your brother. We can talk shit about our problems all day, you're not hurting me.”

“Tell me if I ever do though, okay..? I really don’t wanna be like mom…”

Leo smiled sadly down at him and nodded. “You got it. But also tell me if I bug you instead of letting the voices make you hurt yourself?”

Raph sighed and nodded. “Fair deal… okay.”

Chapter Text

Raph let Mikey chill out with Donnie for a while, but he knew he needed to apologize to Donnie at some point. He’d been… a lot this morning, and with Mikey he’d been less shitty. Donnie on the other hand, maybe he’d been taking out his aggression on. Maybe just because he knew Donnie could figure every piece of what was wrong out with only a few questions.

So after they’d had some lunch sandwiches delivered he kind of hovered over Donnie at the breakfast bar, Donnie seemed to be trying to ignore him now, which he felt bad about, but it seemed deserved.

Leo kind of sensed what Raph wanted and had elected to keep playing games with Mikey, letting Raph have space to try and talk.

He was currently just kind of picking at his sandwich, pulling off the raw tomatoes and deciding if he even wanted the cold cheese. Guess pregnancy hormones couldn’t make him eat everything.

Donnie was nibbling away at his own, staring aimlessly at his phone with his headphones on, but Raph could tell he was barely looking at anything.

He finally worked up the nerve to tap him on the shoulder, making Donnie look back at him kind of annoyed.

“I don’t want to go to therapy with you.” He said flatly.

Raph blinked. “Huh?”

He pulled his headphones off one ear. “I don’t know what you wanted to talk to Mikey about, but I don’t want to go to therapy with you, okay? I’m fine. Let's just forget about it.”

That made him think he wasn’t fine, but that wasn’t even what he wanted to talk about.

“I… Yeah, that’s fine Donnie… I just wanted to say I was sorry…”

Donnie’s eyes softened a bit and he looked down at his own half eaten sandwich.

“Why?”

Raph grunted and folded his arms, leaning against the table. “Cuz… I was a lot this morning. And you can logic me all you want about how I’m hormonal and I’m not myself, but… that doesn’t mean I get to be mean to you. You went through shit too, and I’m sorry I fuckin…” He sighed and idly started tugging on the crystal on his neck. “I was mean. I took it out on you, and I’m sorry.”

Donnie stared at him but he didn’t look back, just stared at the remains of his sandwich.

“Thanks…” Donnie mumbled after a while. “I don’t… Blame you, I’m really not angry about it…”

“I blame me. I think like… Ugh, it’s just finally hitting me why I’m so fucked up cuz of the mom shit, and I fucking felt like that this morning… I don’t wanna make you guys feel like I did, okay?” He finally turned back to look at him and Donnie had a slight smile on his face. He looked a little smug, to be honest.

“Wow… Sorry that took so long.”

Raph scoffed and rolled his eyes playfully. “Yeah yeah, make all the fun you want…” He sighed and shook his head. “But I mean it. It… fucked me up. And… I know you guys told me that, but I just… I had to figure it out by myself. And… to be honest, Don, while I’m glad you said my shit at Mom for me, I’m still kinda mad you did. And I haven’t like… told you that yet.”

Donnie’s face fell and he looked down at his lap. “Oh… You…you did kind of say that stuff about Shredder in private, didn’t you…?” He was twiddling his thumbs, messing with the hem of his hoodie. “I… I overstep a lot, don’t I?”

“Yeah.” Raph admitted. He leaned his head on his fist and put his other hand on Donnie’s shoulder. “I know you mean well, you always do and I love you for it, but that made me feel like I can’t trust you. Do you get that?”

He just nodded a little. He looked pretty guilty.

Raph squeezed his shoulder. “I… Still really appreciate it, despite how fucked up it was. Never would have found the courage to tell her off without you. Wouldn’t have put those pieces together.”

“Despite us all telling you about it for years…” He mumbled and looked up at him with raised brows.

Raph just sighed and nodded. “Yeah, well… Had to come to the conclusion on my own. And now I’m getting help. So… Thank you. But now you can stop worrying about me so much, okay? No fucking letting me put my weight on you, no overstepping on how I take care of myself. I’m gonna be okay, and you’re still my baby brother who needs to think about himself for a while.”

Donnie’s brows furrowed and he went back to nibbling at his sandwich.

“It’s easier to worry about you…” He mumbled between bites.

Raph blinked and tilted his head, leaning in closer. “What’s that mean, D..?”

But he just shrugged, and tucked his headphones back over his ears.

Raph shook his shoulder and pulled the headphones off his head, which earned him a very upset sounding noise.

“Donnie.”

“Stop. I’m fine, don’t do that.” He snatched the headphones back from Raph and gave him an angry look.

But Raph just stared back. “Why is it easier to worry about me?”

Donnie groaned and glanced back to look at the sofa, Mikey and Leo were just playing games. It was a big enough room that they couldn’t be heard over the sound of the TV from over here.

Donnie looked back at him frustrated. “I… I always need to worry about something. And I’d rather it be you, than me…”

That made something in his heart break, but he tried to hold it together. He was gonna do better than Splinter, that was his new goal. Splinter would have left him to spiral by himself, and he knew with Donnie that would just make him worse.

“Hey.” Raph shook his shoulder gently. “Why don’t you wanna worry about you?”

Donnie just turned away, staring at his phone and idly thumbing over the screen.

“I… I-I can’t talk about it, okay…?”

Raph winced and turned his body to fully face the counter again, taking his hand off Donnie’s shoulder. They might have an easier time talking about it if neither of them was looking at the other.

“Is… it about the cages…?”

Donnie let out a shaky sigh. “I… Raph, I’m not… I don’t think I ever…” He groaned softly and tapped his head against the counter.

Raph just closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “It’s okay. It doesn’t have to be my business if you don’t want it to be… But I’m here…”

“I-I hated the cages… I-I don’t mean like how we all did, I mean… I-I hated feeling… Ugh, arousal, before that… S-so now…”

Raph tried to take that in. It really wasn’t his business, but maybe he just wanted to tell someone.

“I-I don’t think sex is for me, a-and that really confirmed that in my brain…”

He thought about making a joke, ask him if he was that bad at it, it’s something Leo would say. But Donnie was different from Leo. Donnie needed something different.

“I’m sorry…” He finally said. “I.. I think I get it…”

He had the thought to tell him ‘Hey, you’re still young’ ‘Hey, you just weren’t attracted to me’ or ‘Hey, you’re just traumatized’ but that made him think of himself, and the weird way he felt connected to his own body. Whether Donnie felt… asexual before this or because of this didn’t matter. It was about him.

“And I know it’s stupid… I know I shouldn’t think about that right now, it’s not that important, but… That’s where I’m at…”

Raph slowly reached out to put a hand on his back without looking over. “It’s okay… If that’s where you’re at, that’s where you’re at… I get it. It’s like you in the cage correcting my fucking gender for Stockman, it’s important cuz it’s us. Cuz it’s relevant. But… Is that really all that’s bothering you…?”

Donnie shrugged and folded his arms, he was messing with the sleeves of his hoodie idly. “...Maybe sometimes I overstep on the gender part cuz of other stuff… But I really wouldn’t know how to explain that…”

Raph smiled a little and looked over. “You don’t have to… I can’t even explain my own shit.”

Donnie glanced back nervously. “I… Fair enough. I’m not… Seriously thinking anything right now, I just feel… Different.”

“Different is a good starting place. I’m… I’m here if you ever feel anything more and wanna talk, but I also think you know way more than I do.” He laughed a little. 

Donnie hummed and gave him a slight smile. “That’s true. But thank you anyway.” He placed a hand on Raph’s back, mirroring the one on his. “I’m sorry if I’ve made your own thing out to be too… Binary.”

Raph laughed and rubbed his back. “I barely know what that means, Don. But it’s okay. You make me feel more like a man than anybody ever has, and I’ve needed that. Despite how obviously female the things you help me with are.”

Donnie just rolled his eyes and patted his back. “Female and man aren’t mutually exclusive. But I catch your drift, I’ll try to be less… Pedantic.”

“That’s all I ask.” He smiled and patted his back in return.

Donnie dropped his hand and went back to finish his sandwich, so Raph did the same, despite how little appetizing it looked.

“Therapy with Mikey wasn’t like… I don’t think it’s something relevant to us, by the way. It was really just a Mikey thing… Maybe a me thing, more.”

Donnie shrugged, just eating away.

“But… If you need anything, like… We’re still all fucking traumatized, so if you want to have anything–”

“I appreciate that? But… Honestly I really don’t right now. I’m… Well, no one is fine, but I think I’m okay. And the idea of… Talking about it in specifics is really… Just not now, okay…?”

Raph huffed and stuffed the cheese he’d picked out of his sandwich in his mouth. “Okay…” He mumbled. “But you fucking say if that changes, yeah? If not for your own sake, for the sake of not letting me become our mother.”

Donnie laughed as he swallowed back the last of his food. “Yeah. Okay, for the sake of making sure you don’t become her, I will tell you if I need something. And also if you are being too much for me.” He turned his body to eye the crystal around Raph’s neck. “And… I won’t ask you follow up questions if you need me not to, but… Are you okay..?” He pointed at it.

Raph idly touched it, felt the warm buzz between his fingers. “I… I’m gonna be. I think.” He scooted his chair closer and leaned over. “You can look at it if you want, but don’t let me take it off again… I’m really sorry I did that, it wasn’t fair.”

Donnie stared at it, went to touch it even, but then looked up at Raph’s face and frowned. “As fascinating as the magic is, I think maybe that’s your safety rock right now, as much as my phone is mine. I appreciate the gesture, but it’s yours. And clearly it’s helping.”

Raph sighed in relief and nodded, pulling back again. “Yeah… Thanks for uh… Pulling Leo off me yesterday… Gonna guess I smelled–”

“The specifics I don’t want to say.” Donne interrupted. “I couldn’t help what I did. Very disgusted by the fact I couldn’t control doing it, but not upset I got Leo’s hands off you. So… You’re welcome.”

That made him grimace. What the hell did it smell like for them? He really didn’t want to know. He knew they just smelled angry. Angry and possessive.

“I… Don’t want to ask about why you smelled the way you did this morning, because… Obviously you’re not okay and you’ve been to therapy about it, but… I-I guess I’ll just say I’m sorry for whatever it is…”

He closed his eyes and nodded slowly. “Yeah, you don’t want to know… But thanks.” He opened his eyes and flicked Donnie in the head. “But also, don’t fucking worry about me, really. I really am sick of people worrying about me right now.”

Donnie just snorted as he rubbed his head. “That’s only because you’ve not felt it before. Splinter didn’t, but we do. So it’s not going to just… go away, but I will try to stop being in your business if you don’t want me to.”

“I just wanna make sure you’re okay. You… Fuck, Donnie, you must have been hurting… Are you doing better..?”

He huffed and made a show of stretching his arms and legs out. “The throbbing pain is gone, it’s just dull now. I’m kind of glad to just be in a hotel room right now, I liked Leo’s idea of adventure, but uh… I really hated moving around that much. I’d be better if the cages weren’t…” Donnie just sighed and shook his head. “Just let me chill out for a few days.”

Raph laughed. “Yeah I mean, I’m there with you.” He idly patted his stomach, earning him a smile from Donnie.

“Maybe we could try that spa or something, maybe that would help us both.”

Raph winced and looked away. “I think we shouldn’t leave the room.” He said too quickly, messing with the chain around his neck idly.

Then he felt stupid, because he could tell Donnie noticed something.

“Oh… Are you.. Are you with Leo on not trusting this now?” He asked carefully.

Raph stood up and went to throw the remainder of his food out, taking Donnie’s plate with him as he did and chucking them both in the dishwasher.

“No. I trust her, I just… Lot of strangers. I don’t wanna leave the room.” He tried to sound calm, he knew he sounded weird, and more importantly he knew Donnie would know he sounded weird.

“I… Guess there are other people staying here, I thought you’d be excited about that though, cuz we fit in…”

Raph shrugged and leaned over the counter with his arms crossed, staring down at it blankly. “I’m tired of being around weird grown ups… I still just wanna be around us. And I’d rather not worry about you guys being around weird grown ups either. If… That’s okay.”

Donnie was quiet for a while, obviously staring him up and down trying to figure him out. But he eventually sighed. “Yeah, okay… Maybe I’ll just take advantage of that jacuzzi tub then.”

Raph looked up to smile at him. “Yeah, you totally should.”

They stared at each other for a moment, and it seemed like Donnie took the ‘don’t overstep’ to heart, because as much as Raph could tell he wanted to ask more, he didn’t.

“But you also take it easy, not saying as a worry wart, but just… In general.” Donnie said softly as he stood up. “Maybe I don’t want you leaving our sight either for a while.”

Raph laughed a little and nodded. “Fair enough.” He poked him in his side as he started to pass him. “But then that might require someone following me to therapy to get their own help.”

Donnie just groaned and swatted him off playfully. “Then feel free to keep taking Mikey. I want some space from it right now. Analyze my own thoughts.”

“As long as you’re not spiraling, Don. Don’t end up like me.”

Donnie just rolled his eyes as he walked into the bathroom. “Yeah, yeah.. Let me be my own person though, okay?” He shot Raph a playful smile, which he returned as Donnie shut himself in the bathroom.

That was fair.

They kind of all spent the day just lounging around. Raph felt more calm than he had that morning, and everyone felt a little better about just being around each other trying to be normal. There was no more weird turtle hormones going off, no more outbursts. And staying put after yesterday was really helping keep him calm.

So they decided to throw another couch sleepover night. Raph was back in a bathrobe, feeling more comfortable than the weird clothes Big Mama had given him. The receptionist had sent up a new collection for him, along with his now original clean clothes that he did not want to look at, and he’d tucked them all in a drawer in the bedroom he’d slept in the night before.

His brothers had also sent their own clothes off to be washed and been given their own selection of clothes as well, just in case they wanted to wander as well. But Raph was clearly uncomfortable with the idea of leaving, and as they were all just in the room right now, they were in their usual nothing, besides Donnie who’d taken to a baggy sweater in the meantime before he could get his comfort hoodie back. It had gotten… rank since the cages, to say the least.

They’d had pizza for dinner, at Mikey’s request, and eaten it while watching cartoons and left the box empty on the sofa.

It was about midnight when everyone fell asleep, less cuddled up then they had been the night before, and at some point Raph was jolted awake by Leo’s hands on him, grabbing at his shell idly.

He opened his eyes to see Donnie and Mikey fast asleep, but he could feel Leo reaching towards him from behind and so he rolled to face him.

Leo had a pained look on his face, but he was still fast asleep.

Leo was in the cage again. But it wasn’t his cage, it was Raph’s. Everything outside of it was dark, it was just bright white fluorescents inside the glass case. Like they were pets on display at a store.

He looked around quickly, trying to spot his brother, and when he did his heart broke.

Raph was huddled in the corner, he looked so small, so scared, his eyes were wide and he was crying.

And he was staring directly at Leo in terror.

Leo got down on his knee, thinking he needed to make himself smaller, try to calm him down. He shot him a smile, hoping that would help. He didn’t feel the drugs turn on, it felt normal, so that was good.

But Raph just kept staring at him and crying, he was tucking himself further into the corner, trying to make himself small, maybe trying to enter his shell like a turtle would.

He tilted his head and frowned. “It’s okay Raphie, it’s just me, it’s Leo…”

He inched closer and reached his hand out, and that’s when he noticed why Raph was scared.

His hand had four fingers, was human flesh coloured, and had a silver clawed gauntlet on his wrist.

And then he looked into the glass reflection in the cage, and he saw the Shredder staring back at him. In exactly his pose, following all his movements. It made him jump back, and the Shredder followed him. It was all he could see in the dark abyss beyond them.

But then the Shredder started moving on his own. His eyes turned mean. And Leo hadn’t made that face.

The movements weren’t his. The arms were moving on their own, turning it’s body back towards Raph.

Ane Leo’s body was moving towards Raph too now.

The Shredder was moving him now. He was the reflection, he was his fathers puppet, he couldn’t do anything to stop it.

And then the arms reached Raph.

And then he screamed.

Leo jolted upright on the sofa, staring into space as he hyperventilated. He tried to remember where he was, but all he could see was the dark abyss of the room. He spotted the view of the city out the window. The high high window, where he might rush out and fall to his death.

That wasn’t helping him breathe.

He felt a hand on his arm and flinched suddenly, turning to see Raph staring at him in dim light. He looked nervous, but not as nervous as he had in his dream.

The dream where he was his father. His father abusing Raph.

“Do you wanna talk about it..?” He heard Raph whisper.

Leo closed his eyes, he tried to calm his breathing, usually if he had a bad dream he’d just go smoke. But this wasn’t the time, there was too much going on. He gave a little nod and he felt Raph shift beside him and get off the sofa, very gently taking his hand and tugging him upright.

He followed Raph, staring at the ground as he was tugged into the room from the night before, and Raph just gently pushed him to sit down on the bed, then went to close the door.

“It was a dream, Leo… Whatever it was, it's not real.” Raph said quietly as he kneeled down in front of him.

Leo just stared at him, trying to calm his breathing. He didn’t look scared, he didn’t look small, he was just normal Raph. Raph was safe, he wasn’t scared of him. That meant he wasn’t his dad, right?

He looked down at his own hands, clenching and unclenching his fingers, glad to see two green fingers.

“I-I’m sorry…” He said softly.

Raph tilted his head and grabbed his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “It’s okay… Tell me what happened, I’m here…”

Leo sighed and closed his eyes. “I-I don’t want to scare you…”

Raph huffed and crawled over to sit beside him on the bed, not letting go of his hand. “You’re not gonna scare me, I’m alright. Big brother’s here for ya.”

He leaned his head down to press it against Raph’s shoulder. “Cage dream…”

Raph let out a deep sigh and nodded, placing his free hand on Leo’s to clasp it in both his hands. “Yeah, I figured…”

“Y-you were scared of me…” Leo said quietly.

Raph leaned his head on top of his. “I’m not scared of you right now. Promise.”

Leo opened his eyes and looked down at his hands again. “I… You would be… I was Dad… ”

Raph picked his head up and Leo frowned, pulling away to look at him. He was nervous that had made Raph more scared, but he was just looking at him with a sympathetic frown.

Leo took a deep breath and put his palm against his eyes. “I-it was…like I was a puppet… I was him, then he controlled me, took me over… I-I… H-he was gonna use me to hurt you…”

Raph shifted, laying down against the pillows and he felt himself get tugged to lay against his chest, felt Raph’s hands on the back of his shell, very gently rubbing it.

“He can’t do that to you anymore Leo, he’s dead. It was just a dream…” He sounded so calm, it was surprising, somehow.

“I-I know, but… God, it was like I was back there… A-and all those fears of being what Dad wanted were real…”

He felt Raph just sigh and tug him closer.

Leo looked up at him sadly and let out a small half hearted laugh. “I-I’m sorry, pretty stupid of me to have that fear, huh..?”

Raph’s brows furrowed and he leaned down to kiss his head. “No, I get it… You… You lost all control in there, he was…” He shook his head. “Just cuz I’ve got my own fucked up shit, doesn’t mean you’re not scared of the same thing… I-I’m sorry if I’ve been selfish about that…”

Leo huffed and patted his chest. “Y-you’re not selfish… Just.. Thought it was kinda funny…”

He felt him snort and rub his back. “Yeah? Funny for one of us to turn into him like he wanted?”

Leo shook his head and laughed a little. “Kinda… I-I’m sorry, it was just… Y-you looked so scared of me…”

“Your big trauma dream can’t really be about me, Leo…” Raph muttered as he tugged the blanket over them.

It was heavy enough of a blanket that it felt soothing to his anxious brain. “It’s not exactly, it’s just… Having him use me… You.. you never told me what he wanted me to do, and that thought’s been swimming in my head, on top of everything else…”

Raph let out a deep sigh, he was quiet for a minute. “I… I’m sorry, I didn’t.. Want you to know… I barely knew…”

“I know. I get it, you were… Trying to protect me from all that shit.. L-looking back, maybe he had been trying to groom me for something, maybe I should have noticed… M-maybe he was trying to make me as angry at you as you were with me… I’m… sorry we had such a fucked up relationship…” Leo sighed.

Raph looked down at him and gave him a half smile. “You’re sorry for that… That shit was so on me it’s not even funny…”

Leo snorted and patted his chest. “Maybe it was more on you, but… I guess I should have seen the signs, is all I mean… Wasted years hating each other, being scared of each other, it was all him…”

“I know… We could have protected each other better, but we were just stupid fucking kids… As little as I ever thought I was one…”

Leo huffed and rolled off him to lay on his own side of the bed on his side, staring at Raph in the dark. “I know what you mean. We weren’t kids, we were things… Shit for him to play with and grow into whatever he wanted.”

“I’d say pets, but that feels too nice…” Raph mumbled.

“Maybe plants.” Leo said with a small smile. “Cutting off the bits of us he didn’t like.”

Raph snorted. “Plants need more attention than he gave us. Sunlight hours on the roof weren’t exactly for our health…”

Leo laughed. “Yeah… He had too many stupid fancy house plants we weren’t allowed to touch for that to have been us…”

“Just lab rats then…” Raph mumbled.

Leo sucked in a breath and nodded. “Lab rats…” He repeated. “The experiment was ‘let’s see which one turns out more fucked up’, I guess.”

“You lost.” Raph was giving him such a smirk despite the dark nature of what he was talking about.

It made Leo smile. “Ugh, you always have to beat me at everything.”

Raph closed his eyes as he nuzzled against the pillow. “Not everything. You won the gene game, congratulations.”

He rolled his eyes and poked him in the chest. “Hey. There’s nothing wrong with your genes, you know that right?”

“Mmhm, tell that to our offspring…” He said with a yawn.

Leo frowned and reached out to hold Raph’s hand under the blanket. “That didn’t happen because of your genes… It happened cuz Dad’s an asshole.”

Raph opened his eyes to look at him again, he looked a little sad now. “Mom said it was cuz of how I was born…”

Leo sighed and squeezed his hand. “Mom’s an asshole too…”

Raph smiled. “You know, Leo… I finally agree with you on that. So… Maybe allllll of this was worth it.”

Leo just snorted and shook his head. “Great… All worth it then.”

Raph suddenly squeezed his hand back. “Not afraid of you.” He said with a soft smile.

Leo blinked. Oh. He had stopped panicking over that. Just from laughing off the bullshit again. Just from trying to pull Raph out of his own thoughts.

“Thanks…” He said softly.

“I got you.” Raph tugged his hand up to gently kiss the back of Leo’s palm. “You worry about everybody else too much, easy to make you shift focus.”

Leo rolled his eyes and smiled. “Yeah… I’m not gonna stop worrying anytime soon though.”

“S’okay, but I’m gonna try and worry about you just as much back. Don’t put it all on yourself, okay? Your nightmares are about you, let yourself be the traumatized one sometime. I got therapy for that now.”

Leo snorted and shook his head. He wanted to say he was worried about said therapy, because he still didn’t trust Big Mama… But, Raph seemed much calmer than he had in previous years. Hell, they’d ended up sleeping in the same bed the past few nights. Raph used to hate being near him, for obvious reasons. So maybe it was good for him.

“You said we’re both the big brothers now. Let me be your equal. Let me make up for how shitty I was. I got you too, okay Leo?”

He smiled at that. “Yeah… Okay, thanks…”

"Love you, Leo..." He said quietly, yawning again.

"Love you too..." Leo finally closed his eyes, and just let himself feel Raph's hand, and the fact they they had the same number of fingers. Letting that thought soothe him as he fell asleep.

Chapter Text

Raph woke up to some kind of door knock. It wasn’t on their bedroom door, but it sounded like it reverberated through the suite.

He looked over at Leo, he hadn’t heard it. He was still asleep, gripping his hand from the night before, that made Raph worry a little. He knew his brother had issues of his own, but the idea that his new big fear was his own old one? That felt… Really bad.

He gently plucked his hand out of Leo’s and went to swing his feet over the bed, but he felt funny.

Oh god. Today he was definitely heavier. That felt bad.

He could see his reflection in the mirror, still wearing the bathrobe, feeling… Big.

Jesus Christ, his mother wasn’t here, but looking in that mirror he felt like she was.

The knock noise came again and it pulled him out of those thoughts so he stood up a little shakily and took a second to feel that new weight. He opened the door into the main room, he didn’t spot Mikey or Donnie, but he could hear the shower going.

No trolley of food was here yet, so maybe it was just that.

…But he really didn’t want to open the door though. Not right now, not when he felt like this.

So he turned around to shake Leo’s arm.

“Leo.” He probably sounded anxious. “Leo, can you wake up?”

Leo stirred and rolled onto his side, looking up at Raph blearily, blinking sleep out of his eyes. “Huh?”

“I think maybe the room service is here but I don’t want…” He groaned and looked away. There was multiple reasons he didn’t want to open the door, he just hoped Leo wouldn’t mock him for it.

Leo was quiet for a second before he got up with a dramatic stretch and walked out of the room, rubbing his arms.

Raph hung back in the doorway as he watched Leo accept the food from whatever employee that was, and then let out a sigh of relief when the door shut behind him.

“Coast is clear.” Leo yawned and pushed the trolly further into the room. Just as fancy as the day before.

“Thanks…” Raph mumbled as he stepped into the room, eyeing the door to the bathroom.

Yesterday one of the twins had accepted it and then woken them. It was about the same time, so why weren’t they out here doing the same today?

He looked at the sofa bed, double checking. No one was in it right now. Maybe they were both in the bathroom? That seemed unlikely, Donnie liked privacy.

“Catch.” Leo pulled him out of his thoughts by chucking a box of cereal at him.

Raph caught it and stared at it for a moment before looking back up at Leo with a soft smile. “Oh, thanks.”

Leo just shrugged and started making a plate for himself. “You’d think Mikey would be up and excited for food as he was yesterday.” He wondered aloud.

Raph anxiously tapped his thumb over the box. If Leo also thought it was weird, maybe there was actually something wrong. As little as Raph could ever tell him he trusted his gut.

Leo nodded his head to the bathroom. “I’d guess that’s Donnie, though. Him and his new shower obsession.”

“Probably.” Raph eyed a door across the room, to another bedroom. He wondered… Mikey never slept alone, they all were too used to sharing a room, but maybe…

He wandered over and gave it a knock. “Mikey?”

“Yeah?” He heard him answer, it sounded like his face was muffled into a pillow.

Oh thank fuck, he was still here somewhere. That could calm his annoying fucking parental need right now.

“Breakfast is here, aren’t you hungry?”

“Maybe later, still tired.” He called back.

Oh. That was not like Mikey at all. Raph put his hand on the handle out of instinct, but he didn’t just want to barge in. He knew how that felt.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, I'm tired, don’t come in.” He didn’t sound like his normal happy kid self. He sounded nervous.

Oh that was not helping.

“Are you sure?”

“Raph, can I have some space please? Remember, boundaries.”

He took a deep breath. Right. Boundaries.

‘Stop crowding him, can’t keep needing him to be okay for you. That’s not what he’s here for!’

He took his hand off the handle and stepped back.

“Okay, I’m sorry.” He turned around and saw Leo giving him a sympathetic frown. 

He just shrugged and walked over, opening the box he was still holding and grabbing the pitcher of milk to eat out of the box again.

“He okay?” Leo asked softly.

“Probably not, but I can’t just… Make him be for me.” He mumbled and picked up a spoon, shoveling cereal into his mouth.

Leo was giving him a look but he tried to ignore it, tried to keep himself calm.

“You should sit, Raph.” He finally said.

He grunted and sat at the counter, that did help the ache in his feet right now. Ugh.

Leo was holding two plates, one much less full than the other and chucked that one in front of Raph, it had a similar collection as Mikey’s had yesterday, but had a few more fruits on it. “Just in case you’re still hungry.” He said as he sat down beside him and dug into his own food.

“Thanks..” Raph mumbled through his bites.

They sat quietly for a while, eating away. Food was helping his anxious stomach.

“Did you sleep okay?” Raph looked over at him.

Leo blinked and looked back. “I… Yeah, thanks.. I think maybe seeing the real you helps…”

He smiled a little and let out a laugh. “Wow, that’s funny…”

“Why is that funny?” Leo pouted.

“Cuz I felt the same way the other night. It’s… hard to be stuck in those bad memories, but you know… Being reminded of the real you helps.” He gave Leo an affectionate punch. “So we’re both kinda fucked up the same way, so that’s funny.”

Leo hummed and rubbed his arm. “Yeah… Kinda funny.”

They heard the bathroom door open and both snapped their heads over to see Donnie in a fresh set of bulky clothes. He looked back at them with a nervous look in his eye.

“Uh… Morning.” He mumbled as he stepped into the room, hands jammed in the pockets of his sweatpants.

“Pretty early for a shower.” Leo said, turning back to his food.

Raph just watched him. He noticed Donnie was shivering a bit.

“Yeah, just felt like shit after too much pizza last night.” He mumbled and poured himself a juice.

“You okay, Donnie?” Raph asked. He couldn’t fucking quiet that worry in his brain. “You look kinda sick.”

“I’m fine.” He responded shortly. “I’m not in your business, so please?”

‘You’re two for two today.’

He groaned and turned away, clutching his head.

Leo seemed to notice and put a hand on his back to pat it gently.

He took a second to let his brain calm down and decided to go back to eating. It’s fine, they both just want some space. He’d asked for space, and so did they. It’s fine.

Mikey’s door finally opened and Raph couldn’t help but look over with worry, but he seemed okay. Chipper, big smile on his face as he bounded up to the cart and started stuffing food in his mouth.

“Morning!” He beamed, mouth full of bacon. “Sorry, was just extra tired from Donnie’s snoring, needed some more minutes!” 

“Bah! I do not snore that much!” Donnie complained, mouth full of toast.

“Yeah you do.” Leo said with a small smirk.

Mikey seemed to want to brighten the room, so Raph figured he should help.

“You finally big enough to sleep in a room by yourself, lil’ man?” Raph teased. 

“Tch, I’m not a baby. We just never had a room big enough! It’s fine.” Mikey rolled his eyes and loaded up a plate and took it to the table to sit beside him. “Besides! You and Leo are the ones who keep needing to share, so who’s the REAL baby?”

Leo reached behind Raph to flick Mikey in the back of the head.

Raph just laughed. “Yeah, that’s fair.” He leaned in to pretend to whisper in Mikey’s ear, but he made sure the volume was loud enough the room could hear. “But maybe we’re both just trying to get away from Donnie’s snoring!”

Donnie just whined in annoyance and slumped himself down on the sofa while his brothers all laughed.

The receptionist had come up to collect Raph for therapy about an hour later and dropped off everyone’s clean clothes again, Donnie immediately changed back into his hoodie.

Leo was anxious about letting Raph wander the hotel alone again, but he really needed help right now, he couldn’t let his own problems get in the way.

And he realized immediately Mikey and Donnie were having the same thoughts after this morning. Donnie had taken a cold shower, and Mikey was always pretending to be happy for Raph when something was bothering him. He could make an educated guess about what was wrong, but he could tell it wasn’t something they’d ever tell Raph about. Not when it could make his problems worse. 

Maybe since right now it was just the three of them he could actually get them to admit something they needed, because it was obvious they did not want to talk to Raph. It reminded Leo of the old days, sneaking out into parks with the two of them to chillout away from him and their mom. They’d always been more willing to be honest with him, because he was a good big brother like that. But maybe it was just because they were younger back then, and had less big problems.

So they all kind of had the same problem now. But maybe that just meant they could talk about it.

Currently they were all just sitting on the sofa, Mikey had put some dumb youtube videos on and they were kind of ignoring each other. It felt a little tense.

“So… Couldn’t help but notice nobody wanted to get the door this morning.” He tried. Very smooth, very casual. Unfortunately his own anxieties had been bubbling up over the past few days, so maybe he wasn’t going to be as good at this as he used to be.

“I was literally in the shower.” Donnie rolled his eyes. He was slumped in his seat with his arms folded. “We just happened to be up yesterday.”

“I was tired.” Mikey said quickly. He’d dropped the usual chipper tone since Raph left. “I’m not allowed to be tired?”

Leo sighed and tapped his hands against his knees. “I just… If you guys are like… Dealing with something, you can talk about it. Raph’s not here.”

“It’s fine if Raph is here.” Donnie was glaring at him. “I don’t mind Raph being here, do you really still have issues with Raph after all that?”

Leo blinked and shook his head. “Wha–? No! But I know what a cold shower is when I see one.”

Donnie’s eyes went wide and he glared daggers at Leo. “Shut up!”

Mikey was staring at Donnie funny. “Why would you take a cold shower? You’ve literally said the cold messes us up cuz we’re part cold blooded.”

Leo winced and rubbed the back of his neck. Jesus, so Mikey didn’t know what that was for.

“I mean–”

“It’s fucking nothing, Mikey.” Donnie interrupted, not taking his glare off Leo. “He’s just fucking overly worried about everybody else to ignore his own shit. Don’t think I didn’t hear you wake up in a panic last night, Leo.”

Leo sighed and rubbed his hands over his eyes. “Yeah, I did. I’m not doing great either, we could just talk about it if you want.”

“I don’t want to.” Donnie snapped. “So just stop asking.”

He groaned and folded his arms across his chest. “Really? That’s it? You just wanna shut down over it?”

“There’s bigger fucking problems right now.” Donnie slumped back down, glaring at the ground. “On top of the fucking egg situation, whatever that smell was from yesterday, whatever’s got him jumpy enough to not want to answer the door? You know something about it, I know you do.”

“It’s not your business and I know he told you that!” Leo snapped back.

Mikey groaned and rubbed his temples. “Why can’t you guys stop fighting? Raph’s not even here, he got that magic charm just so you’d stop fighting and you’re still fighting…”

Leo looked back over at him, he looked… Really tired. In all the ways.

“I’m… sorry.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m just tryina check in.”

Mikey just gave him a sad look and twiddled his thumbs.

“I’m okay. Maybe therapy was a lot yesterday, but we just…” His brows furrowed and he sat up straight, having a change in thought. “Boundaries. That’s what we need. Me and Raph are working on that, so maybe you should too.” He turned to Donnie. “And you know you should.”

Donnie stared back at him, his gaze softening. “I… Yeah, I do know… He told me not to ask about that charm, but… I can’t help but overly worry. You know me. I don’t have anything to do here, so I’m swimming in thoughts…”

Leo let out a soft laugh and nodded. “Yeah, I’m right there with you. That’s why I’m checking in…”

“Maybe you should check in with yourself, Leo.” Mikey tried. “You still seem jumpy, like about Big Mama and stuff. And we always see you staring out the windows”

He sighed and leaned his head back to stare at the ceiling. “Look. I get that, but me not trusting stuff has nothing to do with what I’m dealing with. I’m just trying to make sure there’s no surprises, I really don’t want to go on another shitty rescue mission. It… Didn’t go well last time.”

They were pretty quiet after that, clearly couldn’t protest.

They’d all thought rushing into Foot Tower to save Raph was a good idea, thought since they’d escaped out once, they could easily just sneak back in and get him. They just… Hadn’t seen the whole picture. Their mother’s outright refusal to let them try made a lot more sense now, as little as her authority ever meant to them. Leo felt stupid for not thinking about why that might be, had just assumed she was being selfish, and that lack of caution got them caught.

So he really wanted to see every angle this time around.

“Thanks for checking in, but I really think the way you and Raph have been coping with your humour just isn’t for us. We’re not like you.” Donnie said after a while. “And just because we’ve all seen… It doesn’t mean I have to tell you everything. And I personally would just like emotional space now. So just… Boundaries.”

He looked over at him, but he wasn’t looking back, just staring at his phone now. He’d pulled his headphones on and definitely started playing something loudly. Donnie’s classic way of saying ‘I’m done talking’.

Leo turned to Mikey, who was just watching the TV again.

“Is that what you want too..?” He asked gently.

Mikey just shrugged and pulled his feet up to sit cross legged on the sofa without looking over. “It’s… I get that you care, and  you wanna do that thing you used to where you smoke and let us vent… But this isn’t the kind of thing I wanna talk to you about. It’s different, Leo. It’s not something you could even help with.”

Leo frowned and nodded a little. “That’s… smart. But, is it like… Something you’d wanna go to therapy over too..?”

Mikey looked back at him with a guilty look in his eye. “I think… I just want Raph to get the help he’s been avoiding his whole life, and worry about me later… I know you’re gonna tell me that’s not good for me, but I just… That thing with Splinter..? He really needs to be the focus for once… He shelved a lot.”

Leo leaned over to put a hand on his shoulder. “You’re being really nice, but I know Raph doesn’t want you shelving your shit for him either. We don’t want you both ending up like him.”

Mikey sighed and nodded. “I get that… But I’m okay enough right now. The boundaries thing is actually helping, so just leave me with that.”

He really didn’t want to. He wanted to shake Mikey upside down and make him tell him something was wrong. Beg him to go see the therapist, even if he didn’t trust her. But he couldn’t do that right now. Mikey was asking him for space, and it wouldn’t help to just interrogate him. They’d all had so much of their privacy ripped away from each other, so if this is what they were asking for…

He sighed and nodded. “Just please know if things are bugging you, I’m here. And Raph’s here too.”

Mikey smiled playfully and poked him in the side. “Just cuz Raph can’t help playing Mom doesn’t mean you need to play Dad.”

Leo couldn’t help but wince and take his hand off Mikey’s shoulder, staring blankly at the TV. He had to word it like that.

“Yeah, you’re right. I really don’t want to play Dad at all.” He wasn’t going to get into why. So he took a breath and smiled playfully back. “So you wanna just keep being dumb kids with no supervision for a while?

“Way better.” Mikey smiled back.

At least he could ease his mind, if not his problems.

It was a few hours without Raph and Leo was getting more anxious. He was trying to do the math again, how many days it was supposed to be until he was supposed to… Ugh. No, because surely if that happened they’d have been called. Right?

He was really struggling to not worry, staring out the window and pacing again. Donnie had retreated to a room after Leo’s disastrous ‘do you want to talk’ attempt, and Mikey was currently in the shower. So he was by himself, with his thoughts, worrying about everybody.

The door finally swung open and Raph came back about 4 hours after he’d left. Leo immediately jumped up and rushed up to greet him at the door, trying to look him over, make sure he wasn’t hurt again. Part of him wished he wasn’t wearing that charm just so he could know.

But he knew that wasn’t a healthy way to think, that was just his overly anxious brain.

He looked pretty tired and sore, wearing some baggy sweatpants and a huge sweater that seemed two sizes too big. He looked over at Leo groggily, so Leo flashed him a smile to see if that could ease his mood. “How you doing, Raphie?”

Raph just huffed as he shut the door behind him and leaned against it. He held his hand out. “I wanna sit on the couch, but my legs are sore…” He was clenching and unclenching his fingers to ask Leo to help without really asking.

Leo just rolled his eyes and stepped up to help him. He let him put as much weight as he needed on him and helped him step over the back of the sofa into the pit. At least Raph was admitting he needed his help with something.

Raph slumped himself in the corner so he could put his feet up and rest his arms over the back and Leo sat beside him. He really looked tired, but Raph kind of always did. He wondered how deep therapy went today, or if he was even allowed to ask about that. Obviously he was up in everyone’s business.

“You were gone a while.” He finally decided he could say.

Raph nodded and leaned his head back. “Fucking double whammy. Therapy followed by a Doctor’s appointment. It was a lot…”

“Oh… how did the doctor's appointment go?” He felt worse now, knowing Raph had to see the Doctor alone with his phobia. He would have wanted to be there just to hold his hand if he needed it. He wished someone called him.

“Fucking peachy… Three healthy fuckin future abortions.” Raph shifted his legs to lay them over Leo’s lap. Leo just rested his hands on top of his shins and kept staring at him. “He was saying the fucked up thing Stockman did to me messed with their growth, I guess… One’s way smaller than the others, one's bigger. I... I really wanted to tune it out, but you know how my brain is with this shit…” He sighed.

Leo just idly tapped his fingers on his shin. “I’m sorry. I would have gone with you if I knew.”

Raph blew air out and smiled. “It’s fine, Draxum’s nice enough. All magic scan based stuff again, maybe wearing this thing got me used to it, I don’t know…” He said, fidgeting with the charm around his neck.

“That’s good…” It was doing nothing to ease his mind, thinking of Raph getting scared for a second with no one else around, thinking he’d fucked up again and done nothing to help.

Raph sighed and nodded, looking back up at him. He gave Leo a concerned frown. “Are you okay…?”

Leo blinked and nodded, patting his shin. “Yeah, just worrying about you.”

He rolled his eyes and shook his head. “And that’s all? You look pretty anxious…”

Great, he couldn’t even keep Raph talking about himself.

“You were just gone so long it made me worry about…” He groaned and looked away.

Raph sighed and nodded. “Right… I’m sorry. Was talking over the.. ‘birth plan’ shit… Since it’s probably tomorrow…” 

Leo took a deep breath and tapped his fingers over Raph’s legs. “Yeah?”

“He… was saying it’s gonna be different than when I normally lay, that it’s not something I can just… do by myself, it’s more human than that…” he signed and looked down. “Of all the things to have to be human.”

Leo reached out to place a hand on Raph’s on the back of the sofa. “Are you okay..?”

Raph looked back up at him. “It… It’s all just finally hitting at once, you know..? Get them out, get them gone… A-and god something about it all scares me…”

“We’re gonna be right there with you, okay? It’s gonna be okay. You’re in good hands everywhere, Raph.”

He stared at him for a while before nodding and squeezing Leo’s hand back. “I.. might be a disaster tomorrow…”

Leo just gave him a sly smile. “Oh, only tomorrow?”

Raph laughed and kicked him gently. “Hah, very funny.” He shook his head and looked back down at his lap. “But… I mean it, I think I might panic…”

Leo squeezed his hand again. “I’m here for you, if you panic we’re all still gonna be there to help calm you down.”

“I’m talkin’ almost broke my arm in the cage panic, Leo…” He mumbled.

He shifted to sit closer to Raph, holding his legs up to let him rest his knees on his lap now and leaned down to enter his vision. “Hey.” He poked Raph’s shoulder. “No matter what, we said we’d be there, we’ve got you. I’ve got you.” He took the hand off Raph’s to gently place it on his shoulder. “I promise.”

Raph stared back at him, he looked kind of small, vulnerable. It made Leo want to scoop him up and take him into his lap and just be his big brother right now, take all his problems away.

“Thanks…” He finally said. “I… Therapy was also kinda draining.”

“Yeah? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want.” But god he wanted to know everything going on in his head, no one would tell him anything right now he needed to know more about someone so he didn’t keep thinking the worst.

Raph just sighed and leaned his head back to stare at the ceiling. “More fucking… Guys in my head bullshit, you know. Let one out again, told her more about… Ugh, the little one I supposedly have. She wants to talk to that one, but I think the other one won’t let her.”

Leo nodded slowly. He vaguely understood the concept, he’d interacted with that angry one a lot over the years, but the concept of there being some… Vulnerable child inside Raph? That was harder to get a grip on. He’d never seen him like that.

“I… Wanna ask you something, Leo.” He was playing with the tails of his mask, staring at his lap again. “But it might suck…”

He tilted his head curiously. “Yeah sure, anything.”

“Do you… remember how many like… Ugh, appointments in the lab I had in the weeks before we left..? Because… I-I don’t so much… We think maybe….” He trailed off, he wasn’t looking up at him.

“You… Oh.” 

Raph had maybe a dozen one on one appointments after their father discovered he’d been female, it seemed normal to Leo at the time, check him over, see what else is wrong. See if he needed extra care for something. Leo’d been busy with his new role, resenting everything that happened and blaming Raph for it in his head. So preoccupied with all that shit to pay much attention if something more sinister was going on. And Raph had seemed normal when he’d leave, so he’d never given it much thought.

But… Maybe, looking back, he wasn’t actually normal. Maybe what Leo thought was Raph’s usual obedience around his father was something else.

“If… if you don’t remember it’s fine. I just thought…” Raph mumbled.

Leo sighed and closed his eyes, rubbing his temple.

“No, I think I do, actually. You… Dad would come to the door, and you’d just kind of get up without hesitation. Following him around like a lost puppy, always trying to keep eye contact…”

Raph took a deep shaky breath and then snapped his head away suddenly, clutching it with one hand. 

Leo frowned and leaned over to squeeze his shoulder. “Sorry, should I not..?”

He looked up at him with a nervous look in his eye. “Maybe not… Just.. Good to have a baseline…” He sighed and patted Leo’s arm. “Thanks… I think based on what Mom said she saw… I could have been not home, or it could have been that… Think it’s trigger must have been Dad.”

Leo took a deep breath and nodded. “Right… That makes sense…”

It was still so hard to talk about after everything else, the idea that their father had just done that to him under all their noses. They were only kids, they couldn’t really be blamed, but still…

Leo still thinks he should have noticed.

Raph shifted in his seat to lean his side against Leo’s and press his cheek against Leo’s shoulder. “I’m alright, Leo…”

He blinked and nodded, staring away but reaching down to clasp his hand. “I didn’t say anything.”

“You don’t have to.” Raph squeezed his hand back. “I know you, I know your brain’s going overtime right now.”

Leo sighed and nodded, leaning down to rest his head on Raph’s. “I… It’s just a lot right now…”

“Yeah… But just one more day of hell, then maybe things will cool down…”

He looked down at him with a lopsided smile. “When are we ever that lucky?”

Raph couldn’t help but snort. “Very helpful.” Raph pulled back and stared up at him. “But after all this shit’s over, maybe we’re just gonna go back to being… Normal traumatized kids. Maybe then everyone stops fucking worrying about me.”

Leo laughed a little and shook his head. “Raph, no ones ever gonna just stop worrying about you, okay? You gotta get used to being cared about.”

“Ugh…” He slumped against Leo’s side. “Yeah yeah, but I mean it. I can’t just be the thing everyone ignores their own shit for, that’s making it worse. So maybe once this shit’s over we can be… More normal again.”

“We can try.” Leo kissed the top of his head. “You should just focus on yourself for a while. Maybe that’ll help us worry less.”

He sighed and pulled away from Leo to look up at him. “I doubt it. I… I’m glad you didn’t come with me today, just cuz you would have freaked on my behalf…”

Leo squeezed his hand. “Someone should freak on your behalf if you won’t.”

“God you’re just like Donnie, aren’t you?”

“Ugh, yeah I know. Terrible, I’m sorry.”

The bathroom door finally opened and they both looked back to see Mikey, he still looked stressed but when he saw Raph on the couch he smiled big and walked over.

“How was therapy?” He asked as he flopped down on his other side and leaned against him.

Raph groaned dramatically and rubbed Mikey’s head affectionately. “Long. Not much progress, wasn’t home for half of it.”

Mikey hummed and held him around his middle. “Sounds like you need chillout time!”

Raph laughed and nodded, draping his arm over Mikey’s back. “You just want another excuse for pizza for dinner.”

“Maybe!” He grinned and poked Raph’s nose. “But I think you like it too!”

“You got me.” He smiled back.

Leo felt like he could let himself breathe for a second as he pulled away from Raph. Maybe it was just being alone that made him spiral like that, maybe if they were all together it would be okay. Maybe his worrying was the problem, and trying to all be together and okay would make it all better.

Maybe the same would be true tomorrow.

Chapter Text

It had been an easy enough morning. Better than yesterday, everyone was giving each other more space. No more incidents, no one stepping on each other’s toes. It felt a little too easy, honestly, but maybe it was just okay to be around his brothers with no distractions. Or maybe everybody was just kind of mentally preparing for the worst, Raph couldn’t be sure.

At his session yesterday, Big Mama had assured him she’d spoken to April, and that April was with their mother now. She’d offered again to act as a buffer between a conversation between him and his mother but he just didn’t want to deal with it right now. His mom wasn’t his fucking priority, she’d had years to try and talk to him, why the hell did he need to give her less time than that? Besides, his main issue was the fucking egg thing, and he just couldn’t deal with anything else right now. He could barely handle that, and being around her while dealing with it?! No fucking way. Fuck her!

And on top of that he was having to deal with the slow unpicking of his brain, trying to learn more about why it was the way it was, about what his triggers were and how to avoid them. Learning specifics about his life that he’d spent most of his adolescence blocking out. It was hard, accepting maybe he’d just been less in control of his own life than he thought. It was harder still trying to accept that he wasn’t the only person in his corner anymore, accepting the fact all of his brothers were aware of his problems now. That he couldn't just avoid them to make it go away, and they didn't want him to do that.

He was currently in their hotel suite, feeling as heavy as he’d ever felt despite having carried more eggs than this before, sitting on the sofa and watching his brothers play games on the TV. They were clearly eyeing him warily every once in a while. He was trying to not let it bother him.

And then at some point in the afternoon he felt the telltale sign of cramping inside him and clutched himself so suddenly he keeled over, and then it started hurting so bad he ended up on all fours on the ground. That was not what that normally felt like. This felt worse.

His brothers noticed instantly and Leo rushed up to help him stand. Raph was shaking and looked up at him terrified, gripping him for dear life. Leo just stared back with equal fear but put on a brave face to give him an air of confidence.

“Now?!” Mikey yelped as he rushed up to stand at Raph’s side and take his hand.

Raph whimpered and looked down at him. He nodded and groaned as another cramp hit him.

Donnie was already on the phone calling Mama's Office.

It all got so real in an instant. He was about to fucking lay his brother’s eggs.

‘It’s finally time for you to fulfill your purpose!’

He jerked his head back and felt his breathing get too fast.

“I-I don’t want them I don’t want them!!!” He suddenly yelled as he squeezed both Leo’s arm and Mikey’s hand.

He was going into a panic. His brain couldn’t take this right now, this felt horrible.

Donnie frantically turned around having finished his phone call and put his hands on Raph’s shoulders, staring at him as seriously as he could. Ever the clinical one under pressure.

“You’re not keeping them, you're getting them out. Deep breaths. Doctors on his way just give it—“

And then their door opened and a floating cot entered the room, followed by Draxum. He’d gotten here quick.

Raph was crying openly, struggling to hold himself up. He’d done this about a dozen times now but this time was real, he couldn’t handle it. He tried to imagine his tub at home and that it was just normal duds, that he'd be comforted by his mothers tea and a bad movie after an hour, but he knew it wasn’t. He was in a strange place and his mom was nowhere to be found to help him.

He got lowered onto the floating gurney and wouldn’t let go of Mikey’s hand, sobbing away. Mikey tried to chirp and whine but Raph begged him to stop, he didn’t want to be a mama turtle right now at all!

Donnie was answering a bunch of questions from Draxum he didn’t understand, telling him how long ago things had started.

“We’re going to move you to my medical wing but we can’t use a portal, so we’re walking. Do you want your brothers there too?” Draxum asked him, he knew the answer from before but was clearly checking in. He looked concerned.

He sobbed and nodded, reaching over to grip Donnie’s forearm tightly. Donnie put his hand on top of his sympathetically.

“It’s okay Raph we’re coming.” He gave him a slight smile to try and help, but it wasn’t making him feel better.

Leo was standing above his head leaning over him, he had tears in his eyes, looking anxious as ever, but he was smiling, trying to reassure him like the good brother he was promising to be.

“It’s almost over, it's gonna be okay.” He held his hand on his cheek softly.

He felt the cot start moving as he looked up, trying to ignore the pain, trying to hold himself together, it was horrible. There were babies in these eggs, these would be actual horrible babies.

And they’d be dead when it was over. That part was making it all worse. All sides of his brain fighting each other on how he felt about that part.

Mikey was soothing him over his shoulder, telling him how brave he was, he hadn’t let go of his hand. He saw the ceiling of the elevator, and then looked over as Draxum pushed a button he’d never seen before. More of the magic Big Mama used to keep people out, he supposed.

He just wanted his tub and his mom but he couldn’t have that right now. He couldn’t trust her with this! He should never even have trusted her with anything!

'And now that's you! A real mother just like her! Aren't you going to fail just as hard?!'

He whined and tried to jerk his head but someone was still holding him.

“Why can’t Raph go through a portal?!” Donnie was sounding more frustrated than panicked. Clearly worrying for how long the walk was, figuring Draxum had taken one to them to get there so fast.

“Portal magic is banned from my lab.” Draxum answered plainly.

“L-LAB?!?” Raph screamed as he shot up suddenly, his eyes wide and panicked. No one said lab before!

He felt hands on his shoulders as he started hyperventilating. Leo’s head was on his shoulder. “It’s not that lab. It’s a magic lab you’re okay Raph it’s okay.”

He shook his head quickly, trying to get him off. A lab with his brothers was the last place he should be!

“L-LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT!!!” He yelled.

The elevator opened to said lab and the lights were white and Raph started flailing his arms and legs, ignoring how much it hurt to do so.

“N-NO!!! Y-YOU SAID IT WAS OVER Y-YOU SAID WE WERE OUT!!!” He sobbed and tried to shove Leo off of his back. He was remembering Leo's weight on his back, remembering teeth on his neck.

‘They’re going to lock you up and have their way with you together, you stupid slut.’

He screamed and sobbed, shaking his head violently.

His tail felt wet but it wasn’t even that horrible arousal this time it was worse.

Mikey climbed on the cot and Leo refused to let go of him, his hands were on his cheeks and he looked into his eyes, his big scared wet eyes that were trying to be so serious for him.

“You’re not at Dad’s house, Dad is dead and you’re okay.” He said as calmly as he could.

But Mikey was on top of him, and he remembered that part too.

“I-I DON’T WANT TO ANYMORE!!!!” He wailed and tried like hell to get out of Mikey’s grip but the hold Leo had on his shoulders was too strong. He felt wetness on his neck where Leo’s face was, and he remembered blood and crying.

“Can’t you sedate him?!” Donnie screamed as they were moving further and further into the lab. “H-he can’t take this!”

“Unfortunately he has to be awake for this.” He was messing with crystals, adjusting angles and he put on gloves.

Raph stared at his gloved hands and started kicking wildly. “NO NO NO NO!!!! D-DON’T TOUCH ME!!!!”

Donnie winced at him and stared at Draxum.

“H-he lays all the time at home! You don’t actually have to touch him do you?!”

Draxum looked pained. “These eggs won’t be like those, these are solid. And.. larger. They’re going to hurt more coming out than those and I need to make sure he has a clear path. We discussed this all yesterday, I thought-”

Then Raph saw stirrups appear on the cot and his brain just turned off. He was gone. And Mikey and Leo looked at each other through their tears as he went limp in Leo’s arms.

Leo wouldn’t let go, just kept holding him.

Draxum stared at them all, looking between each brother. “Has he gone into shock?!”

Donnie wiped his eyes and shook Raph’s arm, staring at him scaredly. “H-he went comatose! H-he’s too scared h-he can’t do that!”

Mikey tried chirping sadly, crying on him to wake up, but he seemed to be refusing even that. He hopped off the cot and squeezed his hand tightly at his side.

Leo was now sitting on the back of the cot, letting him rest against his chest as he looked up between his brothers.

Raph wasn’t home. Someone needed to be home, he couldn’t just ignore this problem until it went away. And he had a horrible thought about what to do about that.

“W-we need a different Raph then…” he said as calmly as he could. “The… The one who can handle a doctor…”

Mikey stared at him horrified. “Y-you can’t mean…”

He just frowned at him and nodded.

Donnie shook his head and slammed his fists on the cot, it made it bounce a little before returning to its floating height.

Draxum was staring very hard at Leo and raising a brow. He looked back at him guiltily.

“I-I can give you an awake obedient Raph, but he’s not gonna be able to consent to anything for himself…”

Draxum frowned and nodded. “Do I need to strap his legs down for this..?”

Leo stared at the stirrups, glaring at them. “Might as well, it’ll help get him up…”

Donnie growled and turned away to kick over a chair. “Y-you want to use his trauma against him?!”

“We have to wake him up, Donnie…”

Draxum was strapping his legs up into the stirrups and Leo sighed.

He leaned in to whisper in his brother's ear. “Dad needs to see you in the lab right now, he’s got an important mission for you. If you’re late you know what happens.”

Raph’s eyes opened suddenly and he looked around the room at his brothers. He looked calmer, more curious.

He didn’t look like Raph.

He looked up at Leo upside down. There was a childlike wonder to his face.

“Leo..? Where’s Dad…?” His voice was so small, it had gone up some octaves.

Leo gave him a sad smile and hugged him closer.

“D-Dad’s not here right now, I’m in charge...”

“Oh…” he said softly and looked down at himself. “Leo, my stomach hurts…”

He tried not to sob and nodded a little.

“H-hey, I’m sorry Raphie, i-it’s gonna hurt a lot and that really sucks, but I need you to be super brave for this Doctor and do what he says.”

Raph suddenly noticed the pink goat man between his legs and stared hard. But then his eyes got calm again and he looked back up at Leo.

“Is this like Dad’s game?”

Mikey whimpered from his side, he was trying like hell not to make any turtle noises that would break Raph out of this state.

Leo looked queasy and nodded a little. “U-uh huh… Y-you have to do what Draxum tells you… a-and we’re all right here…”

Donnie wandered back over, his eyes were red and he gripped Raph’s free hand.

Raph felt the doctor prod and poke inside him and he whimpered. “O-oh this is like Stockman’s games… o-okay…” he winced and whined against Leo’s chest. Leo tutted and nuzzled his head against his.

Draxum looked up at them. “I can see one. It’s almost time to start.”

“S-start what?” Raph asked softly and then he screamed loudly and cried. He tried to move his legs but they were strapped down and all he could do was struggle against Leo who tried to say soothing things in his ear, it seemed to help.

Draxum started coaxing him to push, trying to tell him how to move his body, and Raph just did as he was told, crying the whole time.

He whined as Draxum pulled an egg out of him, it was about the size of a grapefruit and something in Mikey’s expression broke.

“Th… that’s.. mine..” he said softly, his pupils going wide.

Draxum caught his eye as he went to place the egg in a floating white box he’d set up beside him. He winced at Mikey's expression.

“Ah… It seems the charm doesn’t work on the eggs…”

Mikey stared at the egg hard as he kept holding Raph’s hand.

Raph shakily pointed at the egg and looked up at Leo. “W-what is that?!” 

Leo whimpered. “It’s nothing, Raphie… Just some dumb junk Dad wanted..”

“O-oh… h-he’s putting stuff in me again…?”

Donnie made a gagging noise and shook his head. It was a dry heave, Leo was very sure that hurt.

“You’re doing good, there’s another one coming now, it looks smaller, just push slow.” Draxum coached.

Raph whimpered and bit down on Leo’s arm a little as he pushed. This one seemed to come out easier. Leo stared at the egg, it seemed more misshapen than Mikey’s, and about 2 thirds the size. He was terrified as he looked at it, but didn’t feel whatever Mikey did.

Donnie however could clearly smell it as he sobbed and couldn’t tear his eyes away. “F-fuck Raph I’m s-so sorry if this is how you felt e-every time…” he whimpered.

“E-every time…?” Raph sounded tired as he looked at the funny egg with exhausted eyes.

Draxum placed it in the box alongside his and both twins just stared at that box with dilated pupils.

Leo knew his was next. There was only one more. He took deep breaths and rubbed his brothers shoulders. “You’re doing really good Raphie! Just one more okay? Then it’s all over and you can go back to sleep!”

Raph looked up at him tiredly. “D-does Dad want these..? I-is he happy with me..?”

Leo bit the insides of his cheeks to keep himself from crying or screaming.

“It… you’re doing great.. Everyone's happy with you…”

Raph seemed unsure with that answer.

“Hold on, I need to adjust the angle, this one is big...” Draxum mumbled as a hand disappeared inside Raph. It made him cry against Leo and struggle, but Leo just held tight.

“L-Leo why does it h-hurttt…!?” He whimpered.

Leo closed his eyes and shook his head. He knew why it hurt, he was the biggest one of them. He was going to tear his tiny big brother apart with the horrible mix of their genes. “Y-you’re doing great, deep breaths..”

“D-Dad’s stuff never h-hurt like this!” He cried and Draxum pulled his hand out.

“Do you need a minute, Raphael?” He asked.

Raph just stared at the doctor with tears running down his face and snot bubbling from his nose.

“W-where’s my d-dad?!”

Leo sobbed against his shoulder and held him tight. “D-dad’s coming okay, h-he knows you're gonna be a really brave boy while he’s gone!”

“Y-you’re lying Leo! Y-you’re always lying!” Raph cried. “D-dad says I’m a girl! H-he’s not coming!!!”

Donnie seemed to shake himself out of his trance and gripped Raph’s face, turning it towards him.

“You don’t need Dad, Raph, you’re gonna be okay. You’ve got us, see?” He held up Raph’s hand in his. “You always took care of us, so now we’re taking care of you. I know it hurts, but it will be over so soon if you just push through, I’ve got you!”

Raph whimpered as he looked Donnie in the eye. He barely recognized this brother, he was so much bigger than he used to be, not frail and trying to not be killed in the corner of the room.

“D-Donnie..?” He said quietly as he shakily reached his hand out to touch his face. “Y-you got so big…”

Donnie smiled and whimpered softly. “I only got to be big because YOU took care of me, okay?” He clasped his hand tighter. Their hands were the same size now. “I’m not lying, you’re gonna be okay, got it?”

Raph blew air out of his mouth hard and kept looking at him. “G-got it…”

Donnie put his free hand on his arm and smiled. “You gotta push for the doctor.”

Raph whimpered and looked down at the Doctor between his legs, he tried to push and wailed loudly.

“Hold on, I’m going to try and lubricate…” Draxum said as he unloaded some goo into his hand and went back inside of him. It made Raph squirm again.

Mikey seemed to break himself out of his own trance and pressed his chin against Raph’s other hand. “Y-you’re being so tough Raph! Nobody else could ever do that!” He sounded so confident, so proud, despite how obviously miserable he really was.

Raph whined and looked at Mikey. He looked mostly the same as he remembered, but much more sad, like his face alone had aged a decade.

“M-Mikey why aren’t you as big as D-Donnie…?” He asked softly.

Mikey's eyes got even sadder somehow but he tried to smile more.

“Cuz I was too perfect at this size. I'm way tougher than him though! Squeeze my hand all you want I can take it!”

Raph looked at him miserably.

“B-but you’re just a baby…”

“Hah!” Mikey laughed loudly for him and stood up tall. “I'm no baby! I'm your toughest brother!” He flexed his arms and squeezed Raph’s hand as hard as he could. “See! You’re not gonna hurt me, Raph!”

Raph whined and squeezed Mikey’s hand back just as tight.

“I-I’m sorry I couldn’t p-protect you… y-you weren’t supposed t-to see…” he whimpered, staring at Mikey with a guilty look in his eye.

Mikey suddenly stared at him with terrified confusion.

“See… see what?” He asked softly. He suddenly had a horrible thought that he knew what he was talking about at some point but had blocked it out.

Just like Raph.

“Okay, Raphael you should be able to try again now.” The Doctor interrupted that line of thought.

Leo kissed the top of his head. “One more Raph, you can do it!”

Raph whimpered and screamed as he started pushing again. He was writhing in pain, Donnie winced and chewed his lip to keep from yelling at how bad it hurt when Raph squeezed his hand.

Draxum hissed softly between his legs but said nothing.

He kept pushing and sobbed loudly. It felt like his body was being torn apart and his insides were on fire.

“Almost there, one more push Raph…”

He screamed loudly as the last egg popped out, it seemed to tear something as it dropped and Leo didn’t look up, just kept his eyes closed as he held his brother tight.

Mikey and Donnie looked at that egg though, and it was twice the size of Donnie’s. That egg was what Shredder did all of this for, that was the perfect son he always wanted wasn’t it?

Leo could smell it but he willed himself to just sob against Raph’s shoulder. “A-all done Raph! G-good job we’re all r-really proud of you!”

Raph felt so sluggish against him.

Draxum placed the final egg in the box and closed it. They couldn’t smell them anymore. It was like they were just gone.

“He’s torn something inside of him. I need to stitch him up and he can be under for that, so I’m going to put him to sleep now.”

Leo sobbed and pulled himself away to look in his eyes. Raph looked at him so tiredly.

“T-tell me d-dad is p-proud of me...?” he asked softly, his eyes getting heavier.

Leo wanted to throw up and scream but he just nodded and smiled. “S-so proud of you R-Raphie…”

Raph nodded slowly as Draxum did some kind of sleep spell on him and he passed right out.

And Leo just held him tightly and wailed and wailed, apologizing over and over for how fucked up that was, how evil it was, how unfair this whole thing was! But Raph was asleep and couldn’t hear him.

Draxum tried to coax him away from his brother and off his cot but he wouldn’t budge.

Mikey and Donnie were almost as miserable crying on top of Raph’s sedated body.

Draxum sighed and sat up. “Boys. He’s going to be okay, but he has internal bleeding and I need you to give us privacy so I can do surgery. Please, it’s not safe to be here.”

Donnie snapped his head up and glared at him. “D-don’t wake him without us! H-he can’t see you or this l-lab!”

Draxum nodded. “I understand. I’m sorry, we should have figured this out beforehand. But you can wait in Mama’s office, I’ll tell you when you can come back. He’s going to be okay, I assure you.”

Leo gave him one last squeeze and kissed his head before shakily climbing off the cot and onto the ceramic tile floor. He stared at it hard, watching the tears splash on the floor.

Mikey kissed Raph’s hand and wandered over to Leo to take his, gently tugging him towards the elevator.

Donnie stared at Draxum hard as he stood up. “Don’t touch those eggs until he sees them. He’s going to need a minute with them.”

Draxum made a face but nodded and shooed him away, settling back between Raph’s legs.

Donnie looked away quickly, following his brothers into the elevator.

When the door closed Leo slumped against it, he looked mentally exhausted. Mikey kept holding his hand and gently rubbed the back of his palm with his thumb.

Donnie had to push them out into Mama’s office when the door opened again, she was waiting at her desk with a sympathetic smile on her face.

Leo marched straight to the chaise lounge and slumped down, holding his head in his hands as he stared at the ground hard.

Mikey and Donnie exchanged a look and walked over to him, sitting on either side and hugging him. Mama followed after and knelt down in front of them.

“What happened…?” She asked gently as she placed a hand on Leo’s knee.

Leo snapped his eyes up to glare at her. “You didn’t say we’d be in a lab. You KNOW how he is about LABS!”

She winced and straightened her skirt out. “I apologize, but medical cleanliness is a must. What happened?”

“H-he freaked out as soon as we got in the elevator…” Mikey mumbled against Leo’s side. “He screamed and screamed and when... he saw the special… c-cot thing? H-he went comatose again…”

She closed her eyes for a moment and sighed, then made her way back to her arm chair. “Ah… I hadn’t realized his phobia was so severe…”

“Of course it is!” Donnie snapped. “H-he’s been raped in labs so many times now! H-he thought that’s what he was going back for! He thought that’s why WE were there!!!” 

She frowned and hunched over, adjusting her glasses.

“I am so sorry...”

“I… I had to make him the little one… h-he wouldn’t wake up.. w-we had to wake up that one…” Leo mumbled, not taking his eyes off the floor.

Her head snapped up and she looked at him worriedly.

“The… he laid eggs as his little alter…? The… the 6 year old?”

Leo closed his eyes tight and leaned over so his head was touching his knees. “I-I didn’t want to d-do it! H-he wouldn’t wake up without s-screaming and I-I…! I knew that one would s-sit still! Th-the only Raph that trusts a Doctor!"

She rubbed her eyes and nodded knowingly. “I don’t fault your logic… but we couldn’t even coax that one out in our session, I only know of it from what his other one has told me… how did you coax her out…?”

Leo shook his head and pounded his fists down on the cushion. “I-I told him Dad needed him! Th-that he had a mission! I-I knew how fucked up it was and I m-made him scared enough h-he turned into a child!” He wailed.

Donnie leaned against him miserably.

“Oh, Leo…” she held up the box of tissues and he ignored it. “I don’t know what this will mean for his brain right now, but I can’t fault you for prioritizing his physical well-being. We can help with the rest after, but I’m so sorry you felt you had to do that…”

“H-he just asked for Dad! H-he wanted to know if h-he was proud!!! H-how can he say that when HE’S the one who was a-abused!”

“Because she existed for that…” Mikey mumbled from his side. “She took the abuse, she turned it into a game for him…”

Leo snapped his head to look at him nervously. “W-why do you know that!?”

Mikey looked up at him teary eyed, somewhat panicked. “I-I don’t know! I-I’ve met her before I-I don’t know!!!”

Donnie looked over at Mikey with furrowed brows, his cheeks full of dried tears. “Why do you keep saying she..?”

Mikey whimpered. “C-cuz that one’s a girl… I-I know her but I can’t r-remember where…”

Leo’s eyes got wide. “She said something to you… she apologized to you, said you weren’t supposed to see…”

Mikey closed his eyes and placed his fists against his ears. “I-I don’t know! I-it doesn’t matter right now! R-Raph got hurt c-cuz your stupid egg was too big!!” He whined, turning to glare at Leo.

Leo gulped hard and felt more tears falling. “I-I didn’t look… y-you guys got so… y-you looked like you were on drugs again… I-I didn’t look at it…”

“Mine didn’t look okay…” Donnie said, staring off into space. “It just.. It looked… malformed… S-so I was worried, I-I don’t know…”

Mikey gulped and looked at him. “I-it did look small…”

He looked down at his hands. “I-is it my genes..? O-or that we have the most similar genetics…? I-I don’t know if it could even survive on its own…”

“Don’t worry about the eggs.” Mama said quickly.

Leo looked up at her nervously. She just smiled reassuringly. “Worry about your brother and yourselves. The eggs aren’t your concern. Is he healing downstairs?”

Leo looked at her funny. “H-he… t-tore something on mine.. Draxum’s.. fixing him.” He looked her up and down. “I.. d-does he need to be in the lab when he wakes up..? C-can we take him somewhere less… white and science-y..?”

“He should stay put for a while, if he’s in recovery.”

Leo sighed and wrung his hands. “I-I need to be next to him right now…”

The twins nodded in agreement.

“Well, you’re welcome to stay in the lab with Draxum until he heals, as long as he’s not busy fixing him.”

“Is… Raph gonna remember that he even laid the eggs..?” Mikey asked.

“I told Draxum to leave the eggs until he wakes up… he’s going to need to see them to believe it.” Donnie sighed.

Mama nodded. “A good plan. Then once you’re all ready we’ll whisk them away.”

“How… how are you—“ Leo started to ask, but the elevator opened to reveal Draxum pulling off a face mask and holding the door open.

They all jumped up and ran over.

“Is he okay?!” Leo demanded, he was trying to stop himself from grabbing the man by the collar to demand answers out of him.

“He’s fine, I haven’t woken him yet as you requested. Don’t climb on him, you can hold him but don’t let him move around too much. Your healing factor will help recovery, but be cautious.”

Leo nodded and gripped both the twins shoulders as they stepped into the elevator.

He gave Big Mama one more strange look before they descended again.

“He does need to rest in my lab for at least a day.” Draxum said.

Leo nodded and gripped his brothers tighter. “We’re not leaving then.”

He sighed. “Fine. But don’t touch anything or wander off.”

They stepped out and rushed to Raph’s bedside, he looked peaceful now, very different to the screaming and thrashing and crying brother they’d just left behind. 

That opaque white box was still floating near him.

Leo ran a hand over Raph's cheek shakily. He knew they were supposed to be equal partners right now, but Raph just seemed so small. That… child inside him really shook him up. 

“Can you change the light colour in here?” Donnie asked as Draxum started to chant something, but paused it to answer.

He blinked. “Change the lighting?”

“Raph hates bright white lights. Maybe if you make the room warmer he won’t have such a bad flashback.” Donnie explained.

“Ah. I see.” Draxum changed course and did something with his hands, shot a crystal flying to the ceiling. The lighting got dimmer and was a warm orange as if it was an afternoon sunset on the beach.

“Oh!” Mikey spoke up. “Donnie, play that song he likes!”

Donnie perked up and pulled his phone out, playing Under Pressure and laying the phone down beside Raph.

Leo smiled and looked up at Draxum with a nod.

The doctor worked his magic and Raph’s eyes fluttered open tiredly. They all let out a breath of relief, he looked like Raph again.

He eyed Leo first and groaned.

“L-Leo…?” He said softly. He sounded exhausted.

Leo made a broken sounding laugh and squeezed his shoulder. “Hey, big brother… how do you feel…?”

Raph stared at the ceiling and frowned deeply.

“E-empty…” he said after a while. “A-and sore…” he looked back over at him. “What.. h-happened…? I don’t remember where we are…?”

Mikey hiccuped a sob on Raph’s other side and Raph snapped his head to look at him, letting out a comforting churr as he reached out to him. Mikey just smiled and nuzzled his face against Raph’s hand.

“Raph, you’re safe and you’re healthy, okay? And everything is fine.” Donnie said as kindly as he could as he leaned over his head, giving the top of it a kiss.

Raph eyed him nervously. “That sounds like it’s not fine…”

“You laid the eggs, Raph…” He said gently and caressed both his cheeks.

Raph stared at him hard, furrowing his brows. “No I didn’t.. I’d remember that, I always remember…”

Leo whimpered from his side and he looked over. “You.. were really scared and you did that thing where you’re not home anymore…” 

Raph's eyes grew wide and nervous. “I… I laid them in my sleep..?”

Leo looked over at his brothers. They all shared a look.

Should they just lie? Do they let him believe he did it while emotionally comatose, or do they tell him they found the child at the center of his psyche and made her deal with it? The child he barely knew about that when asked about could cause the other one to fly off the handle.

Keeping him calm was more important right now, and telling him the truth could lead to the other one hurting his injuries.

“Yeah…” Leo finally said. “You.. you were really tough, and they all kinda fell out.”

Mikey gave him a disappointed look but didn’t say anything.

Donnie just kissed his head again. “How are you emotionally after hearing that?”

Raph sighed and stared at the ceiling. He was taking in the beat of the music, letting himself feel loved by his brothers. “I’m… glad that’s over I guess.. I.. barely believe it though…”

“Do… do you need to see them to believe it…?” Donnie asked gently as he could. The box was behind him.

Raph stared at him sadly for a while. He then tried to shift his body into sitting upright. Draxum noticed this and did something to his cot to let him sit up.

“I.. need to see them, yeah…”

Donnie grabbed the box and placed it in front of Raph.

Draxum put his hand on it suddenly and eyed the boys carefully. “You need not break them. We have our own ways of dealing with this, but once you say your goodbyes and place them back inside I’ll handle the rest, okay?” 

Raph stared at him sadly and nodded. “Th-thank you..” 

He nodded. “I’ll give you some privacy. Push that button if there’s an emergency.” He pointed to a button he hadn’t noticed before on the cot.

“O-okay..” he said as he clutched the box close to him.

Draxum left to go to another room, giving them space.

Raph opened the box and stared at the eggs. He couldn’t help the amount of tears that welled up in his eyes.

“O-oh…” he said softly as his breath got shaky. “W-wow, th-that’s them huh..?”

Mikey and Donnie leaned over him to look, staring sadly.

Leo just kept staring at Raph, he didn’t want to see them.

Raph started gently pulling the eggs out and holding them on his lap. He eyed the medium sized one and held it in between his palms.

“This… this one’s Mikey’s…” he said softly and held it against his chest.

Mikey whimpered and stared at the egg in his arms.

“Y-you can tell..?”

Raph sniffed, wiping his eyes and nodded. “I-I don’t know how… g-guh I bet it’s a stupid hormone thing…” he pressed his cheek against the egg with a frustrated huff.

Mikey shakily reached out to put his hand on it. “I-I’m sorry…” he whimpered and rubbed it softly. “I-it’s not fair on anyone that you exist…”

Raph whined and nodded, closing his eyes as he felt the shell.

“I bet it would have been a big fussy baby…” He laughed softly through his tears.

Mikey sniffed and rubbed his eyes. “B-bigger baby than me?”

Raph smiled sadly and nodded. “Biggest… I-I already have one of those…” Raph lowered the egg and reached out to hold Mikey’s face.

Mikey whimpered and kissed the back of Raph’s hand. “S-sorry Mikey Jr, it’s you or me I guess…”

Raph tried to let out a laugh, but it sounded like a cry. “M-Mikey Jr, huh..? You said you didn’t care…”

Mikey looked down at it and shook his head. “I-I don’t, I just…” He couldn’t help staring at it.

Raph’s hand moved on top of Mikey’s. “It’s okay… It’s… complicated… You gotta let yourself feel how complicated it is, okay..?”

Mikey just stared back up at him and nodded slowly. “I know… I-I think I am…” He gave the egg a very gentle knock. “So.. I’m sorry, but I’m not... Cuz it's you or me.”

Raph took a deep breath and nodded as he watched Mikey’s hands retract. He held the egg up and kissed it softly before placing it back at his side and saw the small misshapen one, picking it up in his palms and holding it close to his face sadly.

“Oh… D-Donnie, I…”

Donnie shook his head and put his hand on Raph’s shoulder. “I know… this is what we both get for being born wrong.” He looked guilty, staring at the egg miserably.

Raph looked from the egg to him and his eyes grew sadder, crying silently. “I-it’s not wrong, it’s just different.. probably just would need extra love and attention, it’s not wrong…”

Donnie stared at it sadly. “I wonder if I looked like that as an egg… It’s a miracle dad didn’t crush me…”

Raph sobbed and held it close to his chest, rocking it softly. “P-please…”

Donnie winced and squeezed his shoulder. “I’m sorry. Its life would have been just as unfair as ours… I-I doubt father would have wanted it… It’s just… a miracle of you saving me from death there, that's what we have to show for it…”

Raph whimpered and kissed the egg. “I-I would have loved it either way…”

Donnie finally let his eyes cry over this egg. This thing that was clearly cursed to be in as much pain as he was, as self loathing as he was, but not yet, not if it was going to be put to sleep first. No fear of being used as spare parts or cannon fodder. Just a quick release.

“I… I-I’m sorry, I resent you cuz I resent me and my own broken body…” he said softly to the egg as he placed a hand on it. “I-it’s not fair how I was treated, so I want to spare you from that…”

Raph nodded and wrapped his arm around Donnie’s shoulder.

“We’re not broken Donnie… it’s not broken either…”

Donnie just leaned in to press his face against Raph’s side and cried. Raph rubbed his arm while he did. They both sat in that idea for a minute, and then let it go.

He put the egg down on his lap beside Mikey's.

And then he eyed the big one. Leo still wasn’t looking.

Raph hesitated before placing his fingers around the egg, staring at it hard.

“All this… for you.” He said with a kind of hatred in his voice.

Leo looked over, his eyes watering immediately. His egg was big and smooth and perfect. He had helped make the perfect egg with his brother. And he just stared at it as Raph inspected it.

“I… I can’t believe you were what this was all for, a-and now Dad isn’t even here to gloat…” he sighed and hugged the egg, letting tears fall on it. “So… so stupid how I don’t hate you… I-I should hate you…”

Leo frowned at the egg and slowly reached his hand out to touch it. It snapped Raph’s eyes to him.

He looked back at him worriedly, eyes full of tears.

“I-I’m so sorry…” Leo said. But it was all for Raph. He’s not sorry for the egg, he’s only sorry he made it.

Raph stared at him sadly as he held the egg. “S-stupid perfect child h-huh..?”

Leo laughed sadly and nodded. “U-unless it’s a girl…” he breathed out and leaned in to rest his head against Raph’s.

That seemed to make him sadder. “I… I wouldn’t wish that on any of them… c-could you imagine…?”

Leo frowned and rubbed the back of his brother's head. “You are not worthless for being born a girl, Raph…”

“N-no I’m clearly the star of the show!” He cried.

Leo frowned and placed both hands on his egg. “This isn’t what you’re for. This is the fucked up thing dad did to you. This isn’t a curse, or something to feel broken about.. it’s literally so normal to be born a girl! Half of people are! It's Dad’s hang ups that are the problem, not you!”

Raph stared at him with big teary eyes. “G-god I sound like him… c-cursing being given a daughter…” his brows furrowed and he pulled the egg back to inspect it. “I-I didn’t even… d-daughter… b-being a daughter isn’t bad… I-it just sounded like a slur to me when he said it…”

Leo rubbed his arm. “Cuz you weren’t his daughter, you were his son. He’s not here anymore to tell you otherwise.”

Raph sighed and kept staring at the egg. “I don’t even know what it is, still trying to make judgments…”

Leo sat beside him carefully and let him lean against him. “This is why we’re too fucked up to raise them… too many hang ups, too much shit to inherit…”

Raph nodded sadly. “I-I still feel bad though… th-the size of this..? Probably the most perfect warrior in here…”

Leo just gently took the egg from him to look it in the eye, so to speak. “You could have been anything you wanted. You didn’t need to be what dad wanted you for. And you’re free now, free to just…” he sighed and gently gave it back to Raph. “Free to just fade away.”

Raph stared at it one last time and then he gave it a kiss. And then he let it join its siblings on the blanket on his cot and they all just stared at them quietly.

Who could cry anymore? The worst was over. Now it was just evidence of what happened.

Evidence they could move on from. Because it was over.

“I wonder how much they all look like me…” Raph wondered aloud.

Leo snorted. “Three fat headed babies...”

Raph laughed softly and gently brushed his fingers over each.

“I bet Donnie’s is the best fighter. That one would have been dads best general for sure!” Mikey laughed, trying to bring more joy into the room.

Donnie groaned and stared at his own egg. “That’s not funny. That thing is too… ugh. If anything I’m surprised yours is bigger than mine.”

Mikey shrugged. “I guess I did used to be bigger than you when we were little. Whatever’s wrong with me wouldn’t be wrong with it as a baby.”

“No wonder Stockman wanted to see how they turned out to track the differences… nature vs nurture right there.” Leo said, pointing between the eggs and the twins.

“But they’re all part me… wonder if they'd inherit my brain problems… 3 dissociating fat headed babies.” Raph sighed.

Leo rubbed his shoulder. “I think they’d have to experience childhood trauma for that… and we’re not letting that happen.”

“Eh, there’s evidence that babies do inherit the stress of the parents. Children born during famine will retain more weight due to the stress of the mother during pregnancy. I imagine it could be similar for them.”

Raph stared at them sadly. “They… would be really fucked up then…”

Mikey held his hand. “But they’re not. Cuz they’re safe and going to sleep.”

Raph let out a long shaky sigh.

“Okay. I’m ready.”

Each of his brothers took their own egg and placed it back in the box. Raph then took one last look, letting himself burn the image into his mind, and closed it. Then they called Draxum back in the room.

He gave them a sympathetic frown and nodded, taking it away never to be seen again.

And then Raph really started wailing. Mama turtle was awake and miserable, demanding her children back. His brothers just held him tight and let him cry and scream. It didn’t take long for him to tire himself out and fall back to sleep.

Nobody wanted to leave his side but there were no other beds. Leo decided to wander to find another magic cot.

The lab was weird. He has no idea what Big Mama was up to but he knew there was some weird shit going on.

If his brain wasn’t so full of worry he might have been curious enough to find something important.

But he didn’t. He found two more cots and dragged them over, bumping them against Raph’s. It took a second for them to float on their own but eventually it worked.

They’d been told not to climb on him so the twins took one cot and he took the other and they all just stared at him in his sleep.

Donnie eyed the charm around his neck. “Does.. he still need that? Or are we finally… okay?” He asked.

Leo stared at it. It seemed too dangerous to test it. “Who knows, better safe than sorry. I wouldn’t want him to smell my worry and wake up.”

Mikey gently rubbed his arm. “You lied to him Leo…”

Leo closed his eyes and nodded. “I did…”

“Why would you lie to him after what happened with Splinter?”

Leo shot him a look. “Because he had to say goodbye to the stupid eggs and what we did was horrible he wasn’t gonna be able to handle it. We can tell him later, but it wasn’t the right time.”

“I agree with Leo.” Donnie said and pat Mikey on the back. “His stress levels were too high, it would have made it worse.”

“But what if she's one of the ones that talks to him in his head? If he finds out without us telling him? Then he loses us like he loses Mom and then what does he have?”

Leo frowned and rubbed his other arm. “Then we can tell him tomorrow… or when he wakes up. We tell him as gently as we can and let him take it however he needs to.”

Mikey just looked at Raph sadly and held his hand to his chest. “She said horrible things…”

Donnie wrapped his arms around Mikey from behind and hugged him. “We need to talk about why you knew her, I’m worried about you now…”

Mikey frowned and closed his eyes. “I’ve met her. I would see Dad bring her back from his room sometimes, she never cried, she just sat there… I would… try and talk with her cuz I thought she was Raph, but she had… she wasn’t good at talking…”

He barely remembered any of this. He barely knew how he knew to say this.

He looked up at Donnie miserably. “I… I’m really not sure where that came from…”

Donnie looked back at him with concern. “Do you think you were… part of something with D—?”

“No!” Mikey yelped. “No I don’t! I-it’s not like that!”

Leo breathed out hard and sat up to reach over Mikey to touch his head and make him look over. “You should probably try to unpack that with Mama… cuz that sounds really serious Mikey…”

Mikey whimpered and put his hand on Leo’s. “A-all I know is she really is little, and that’s not fair to make her deal with…. What happened.”

Leo nodded sadly. “I know..”

“Do we think the child is his original persona…?” Donnie asked suddenly.

Leo shot him a mean look. “Why would you ask that?”

Donnie eyed him cautiously. “The way she seemed… surprised by how much time had passed for me and Mikey…”

Leo sighed and lay back down to look at his sleeping brother. “It doesn’t matter who’s the original. This is Raph. He’s been Raph our whole lives that we remember.”

“And what if he’s Raph because he’s the parental one…?” Donnie asked softly. “What if he took over for us and left the little one inside forever…?”

“Donnie, stop.” Leo warned. “You can’t do that. You can’t just speculate about him like that, every piece of him is Raph. Leave him to worry about that other stuff, it’s not our place.” Leo gently rubbed Raph’s arm.

Donnie frowned and hugged Mikey closer to him.

Mikey just looked up at him sadly. “I get why you’re worried… you think he broke his brain for us in the end…”

Donnie shrugged and kept staring at him.

They all just watched him sleep for a while. At some point Draxum came back to check on his bandages, redress something, check his vitals, Leo couldn’t be sure. He just watched his brother sleep through it.

Mikey and Donnie fell asleep on their cot beside him, but Leo stayed vigilant as his bed side.

Raph’s eyes fluttered open at some point and he looked at Leo sadly.

“You look tired…” he said softly, reaching out to touch Leo's face.

Leo laughed a little and leaned into the touch. “Nah, I’m fine. How are you feeling?”

Raph looked down at himself and then up at the ceiling, he blinked a few times and gripped the blankets tighter.

“I can’t hear them anymore…”

Leo tilted his head and rubbed his shoulder. “Can’t hear who..?”

“The… the babies… shouldn’t they be…. I don’t know, making me feel like shit..?”

“Maybe Draxum’s got you on some good drugs that’s making them quiet.” He brushed his fingers over Raph’s cheek.

“No… it’s like… even their little ghosts in my brain are gone…” he turned to look at Leo sadly. “That should be good though, right…? But it makes me sad… like even the little piece I could have is gone…”

Leo frowned deeply and leaned over to gently wrap his arms around his brother's shoulders, Raph let himself be hugged and rubbed his arms. “I’m sorry…” He said softly. It didn’t make much sense to Leo, the voices did nothing but try to hurt him, but he knew he was in a vulnerable place. He wasn’t sure if he needed to bring up the other part right now, maybe he’d probe more into his brain. “Is your brain really quiet overall right now?”

Raph sighed and shrugged. “I think I hear dad back there… Telling me off for ruining all that research…”

Leo chuckled a little and kissed his head, leaning down to whisper yell in his ear. “Dad, if you wanted new kids so bad you should have just stopped being such a creep and tried a dating app.”

Raph laughed softly and held Leo closer. He just hummed and breathed in deeply the feeling of his brother holding him.

“Tell me what really happened.” He said suddenly.

Leo pulled back and looked at him worriedly. Raph was looking at him with a tired smile.

“I… what do you…?”

“Don’t lie, Leo.” He cupped his cheek. “I know you, I know you had a reason to, but I’m okay right now… I can’t have laid in my sleep, that pain would have woke me up, trust me I... I think I’ve tried before..”

“I… why didn’t you call me on it..?” He asked gently and placed his hand on the one on his cheek.

“Cuz I wanted to believe it, but I can see you’re probing me about my brain. Just hit me.”

Leo sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “You… needed to be awake. But fuck Raph, I’m so sorry we didn’t know you’d be in a lab, and you… the stirrups did it, right? That was your final straw?”

He nodded a little and looked down at his legs, making sure they weren’t currently in them. “Yeah… reached my limit for what I could handle, I’m sorry… I told you I'd be a mess...”

“Well… we couldn’t wake you up, and the.. the eggs were coming now and I just… fuck Raph I’m so sorry, it was so stupid, but I knew there was a Raph in there who would sit still for a doctor…”

Raph’s eyes went wide and he slowly looked back over at him. The look of horror on his face was making Leo’s eyes water.

“I-I didn’t want to, I h-held you and t-tried to help but—“

Raph put his hand on Leo’s mouth suddenly. “Stop.”

Leo sat very still, letting the tears fall down his cheeks.

Raph looked away, taking in that information, not taking his hand off Leo’s mouth. His eyes were darting around slightly as he stared intensely at the bed. His eyes seemed to go through a few emotions before finally turning back and taking his hand off Leo’s mouth.

“Don’t tell me anymore about it.” He said sternly. “I'm not supposed to know about that. Let me stay separate from that.”

Leo frowned and nodded. “Y-yeah, okay…”

Raph sighed and idly tugged at the thin blanket that was on top of him.

“I… I don’t blame you. It makes sense, but trying to mess with that one... that's gonna get you the other one. And I.. I can’t be him right now.” He turned to look his brother in the eye. “Does that make sense...?”

Leo looked miserable and nodded again. He didn’t want to see that one at all. “Yeah… complete sense. I... I need you to know though, no matter who you are, you’re still my brother, okay..?” He held his shoulder firmly.

Raph looked at the hand and then back up at his face. “Are you sure…? You remember him, don’t you…?”

Leo smiled sadly and nodded. He remembered him too well. “I do… but he’s still my brother. Even when there’s nobody home you’re still my brother.” Leo gave his head a gentle knock with his fist, earning him a small laugh.

“And what if I’m a little girl…?” Raph whispered.

Leo frowned and wrapped his arms around him tightly, pressing his cheek against his head. “Then you’re my little sister… if that’s what you need to be.”

Raph whimpered and gently held him back under his arms, clinging to his shell tightly as he let out a sob. “D-do you mean that..?”

Leo held him tighter and kissed his head. “Whoever you are. I’m your brother and I love you.”

Raph just cried and held him back tighter, sobbing into his shoulder.

Chapter Text

The on and off sleeping was all he could really do. Sleep, wake up, eat something he didn’t want, cry to one of his brothers, sleep again. He was pretty miserable, but thankful his specially enhanced genes were healing him quickly. He was only in the lab for a day before he was allowed to leave and return to the room, his torn insides having repaired themselves enough he could move.

The next week he was still shaky on his feet and forced to be on bed rest for the most part, under his brothers’ overly worried supervision. It wasn’t something he was told by a Doctor, but just that his brothers were waiting on him hand and foot. It was kind of annoying, to be honest, but he couldn’t really blame them.

Big Mama had made a few appointments with him in the room, seeing it easier for him to stay put where he was comfortable. The appointments leaned more into making sure he was mentally okay with the fact he’d lost his babies, as the mama turtle side of his brain seemed loudest. It seemed to drown everything else out, which was fine by him. Kept his dad quiet. But it was a weird process. Mama turtle wanted her babies, but the babies were dead. He had to accept that, had to move on. He didn't really care in most of his brain, but it was still effecting him.

Having therapy sessions in the room, for the most part, made Leo worry less about having him wander the halls by himself. Which he didn’t blame him for at all, he also didn’t want to. Having the egg part over meant the new most recent trauma on his mind was how unsafe he felt around Yokai, he still hadn’t touched that hoodie Donnie gave him, it felt ruined somehow.

And he knew Leo knew, but he sensed Mikey and Donnie suspected, but that was really his own fault.

But they were being kind, just hanging out with him and letting him vent about the eggs, his shitty body going back into the shape it used to be, all the stupid things he would have been embarrassed about before. They were willing to help him out of bed every day, get his meals for him, pick out clothes for him, ready a bath for him… It was almost too much.

He knew they were each avoiding their own shit for him, he could tell. It was just the most obvious with Leo, but Leo was more willing to talk to him than their little brothers were.

Still, he didn’t have enough brain space to worry about it right now. He still had… all this other stuff going on, and trying to shut it out was only going to make it worse for himself. And in turn, make it worse for his brothers if he had another breakdown like he did in the lab. So at least for their sake, he did need to focus on his own problems.

The last appointment he’d had with Big Mama she’d asked about talking to the child. Raph couldn’t coax her out by himself, he’d tried but the other one would start yelling at him. And then one of his brothers would hear him yell so he’d have to stop.

At some point he got sick of being in this hotel room, tired of being around everyone at once with all his fucking problems, so Big Mama made a suggestion. A session back in her office, perhaps with Leo, as he’d managed to coax the child out before.

And despite his apprehension of ever doing that again, he did trust that it would be good if the therapist could speak to her, maybe help her, especially since he’d personally traumatized her in a new way. So he’d agreed to try.

Leo had put clothes on so as to not feel exposed next to Raph as they left the room, back in his old hoodie and some new sweatpants. Raph was in some of the coziest clothes Big Mama could find him, some big fluffy sweater and fluffy pants. It was so strange to see Raph dressed like that, but maybe her intention was comfort for the child inside him, less so than him.