Work Text:
It’s quiet in the office. It’s pretty typical, to be fair. This job seems to drain any ounce of joy and will to fucking live out of the space and everyone who comes within a two-mile radius.
So Ted, the thoughtful and fun-loving guy that he is, decided to shine a bit of a light into this dark and gloomy collection of prison cells that everyone else calls cubicles.
He’d been planning this for a while (about five minutes), so Operation Harmless Prank to Make the Grumpy Grumps in this Office Smile (Yes, that’s the official name) was put into motion.
And it really was a harmless prank! Just a bit of tape over the sensor on his coworker’s mouse. Trust him, Ted’s definitely learned from past pranks.
Drawing a spider on the toilet paper roll had made Mr. Davidson scream so loud he’d ruptured his vocal cords.
Hiding all the printer paper had made it so that they’d all had to stay overtime to hit the apparently very important deadline that Ted had almost made them miss.
Once, he’d even managed to change Paul’s ringtone to a musical number.
That had not gone over well.
So, tape over the mouse sensor. It was simple, it only hindered one person just for a little bit, it leaned on the confusion more than anything else, it was easy to figure out after a little while, and, considering that Ted had chosen Bill as his target, it would hopefully be received without undue amounts of rage.
You see, the target was essentially the most important part of any well-executed prank. You didn’t want to target anyone too sensitive and prone to break down into tears (Charlotte), anyone who had power over you and your job (Mr. Davidson), or anyone who wouldn’t know fun if it came up and made out with them sloppy-style and just gave you a half-hour lecture on the importance of getting our work done during allotted working hours (Fucking Paul).
Bill was basically the perfect target. He was a little clueless, so the prank wouldn’t immediately be discovered and he was scarily good-natured all of the time, so if Ted ended up revealing himself as the mastermind, he wouldn’t get verbally or physically torn to shreds.
And he was out on his lunch break, he was just asking to be messed with, if you ask Ted.
Ted took a quick look around, the coast was clear: Paul was laser-focused on his work, Charlotte was taking a smoke break, and Mr. Davidson was in his office. Perfect.
He grabs his piece of tape, slides into Bill’s cubicle, deftly sticks it over the sensor, goes back to his seat, and voila!
Now, all he has to do is wait.
It turns out that he doesn’t have to wait very long as Bill comes waltzing back in, whistling a jaunty little tune, about three minutes later.
Ted is so desperate to maintain his nonchalant cover that he actually does some work, glancing over at Bill between filling out useless forms and moving files around.
“Hey, Paul?”
And so it begins.
Paul doesn’t even glance up from his computer, offering a half-hearted, “Hm?”
The sound of Bill clicking the buttons on his mouse, jiggling it around, is like music to Ted’s fucking ears. Everything’s going exactly as planned.
“My mouse isn’t working. Like, I can wake up my computer using the actual buttons on the monitor and I can type and stuff, but my cursor won’t move.”
A moment of silence, and then, “Have you tried unplugging it and plugging it back in?”
“Yes Paul, obviously I’ve tried unplugging it and plugging it back in.”
Side note: he definitely hadn’t because Ted could hear the sound of Bill unplugging it and plugging it back in as he said it.
“It didn’t work.”
Another “Hm,” from Paul. Bill’s lost him to the allure of Excel sheets and data files. What a shame.
“Ted?”
Oh boy, here comes the fun part.
“Do you think you could come give me a hand with this?”
Absolutely. “Yeah, man! Just give me one sec.”
He does a few random clicks before putting his computer to sleep and wandering back over to Bill’s cubicle, hovering over his shoulder.
“What’s the problem again?” Ted puts on his most innocent face which, to be fair, isn’t very innocent.
But it seems to work as Bill slides out from his seat, offering it to Ted.
“My mouse isn’t working, it’s the weirdest thing. Everything else is working just fine!”
Ted grabs the mouse and gives it a shake as if to confirm yep, this thing sure ain’t working. He makes sure to give it a couple of clicks just for good measure.
“And you—”
“Yes, I unplugged it and plugged it back in!”
Ted goes to stand, having completed his Look at me I’m soooooo innocent act, when Paul speaks up.
“Hey, Ted. You should check under the mouse. See if there’s anything wrong with the sensor.”
Well, shit.
When Ted looks over, Paul is wearing a look that Ted can only describe as pure evil. He blinks, and the look is gone and Paul is typing away at his computer. The only remnant is the ghost of a smirk tugging at his lips.
Looks like he’s still holding a grudge about the whole ringtone thing.
Fucking snitch.
Ted’s ready to pretend that Paul never said anything, and continues on his current mission to get the fuck out of there as soon as possible. But, before he even gets halfway up, two hands are pushing him firmly back into the seat.
He cranes his neck to look at Bill standing over him in just enough time to see the flash of understanding fade into something like mischief.
“Go on, Ted. Let’s check the sensor.”
Maybe he can still get out of this one if he plays dumb.
Ted flips the mouse over, revealing the piece of tape that had been causing all the problems, and promptly peels it off.
“There you go!” He spins his chair around and sticks the tape on Bill’s slightly wrinkled shirt, “Found the culprit. Problem solved! I’m just gonna go back to my desk now. Lots of work to—”
“Oh no you don’t.”
Bill is bigger than him. Ted hadn’t exactly put together the fact that that meant he would probably be stronger than him until he tried to push past him and was physically picked up and put back in the seat.
He’s sure that that won’t awaken anything in him.
“You know. Someone really should teach you a lesson about messing with other people’s things.”
Ted tenses for a moment, but Bill doesn’t sound genuinely upset. It’s more of an exasperated fondness, which he also hadn’t expected, but it’s definitely something that he can work with.
“What?” He asks, waggling his eyebrows, “You gonna punish me?”
A snort from Paul, “You’re disgusting, Ted.”
Ah, so he is listening.
“Yeah? And you’re a snitch! So—”
“So you did do it!” Bill looks way too triumphant for the frankly obvious discovery. With this level of enthusiasm, Ted can picture him in khakis on a big sand dune shouting Eureka!
The silence drags on and Ted belatedly realizes that they’re waiting for him to say something.
“Uh. No?”
Good one. That was real smooth, Spankoffski.
Bill just laughs at him which, sure, fair enough. But also, rude much?
“You sure?”
Well, he can’t back down now.
“Yes, I’m sure. Obviously I—HEY!”
Hands had snuck down to Ted’s knees while he hadn’t been paying attention and fucking attacked him. He’s now slid halfway to the floor and trying very hard to not show how nervous he is while planning his escape.
Bill, on the other hand, seems perfectly pleased with himself.
“Feel like rethinking that one?”
And he could. Ted could admit to the prank and get away with only a miniscule dent in his pride. Bill would roll his eyes and shoo him back to his own cubicle, and the day would go back to being boring as fuck.
“No. Because I didn’t do it you asshole!”
With those parting words, Ted shot up from his chair and got an impressive two whole steps before a pair of arms wrapped around him, lifting him off his feet and stopping him in his tracks.
“Wait. Bill! Bill I swear I dihihihidn’t— Nonono plehehease!”
The rest of what he was going to say was flooded by panicked laughter and smatterings of Shit! Fuckfuckfuckfuck! and Quit it you asshole! Apparently it didn’t sound genuine (because it wasn’t) because he could hear Bill’s delighted coos on top of all that which was not helping his situation.
“Try his ribs.”
“Shut the fuck up Pahahaul! Shihihihit!”
Alright. As fun as this all was, Ted was reaching his limit.
“Okay! Okahahahay I did it! I put the tape there! Bill please!”
And the ground was back under his feet.
Ted wasn’t ashamed to admit that he used the wall of Bill’s cubicle in order to not immediately fall flat on his face. His face was warm and his muscles were sore from laughing, but he felt lighter than he had in a long time.
It didn’t hurt that Bill was rubbing his back as he got himself back under control.
“You,” Ted gasped out in between exaggerated heaving breaths, “Are evil.”
“Yeah yeah. Get back to work, tough guy. Maybe this will teach you to stop pulling these pranks.”
As Ted went back to his desk, he looked over and saw the lingering smiles on the faces of his coworkers and decided to ignore the gooey warm feeling in his chest at the sight.
Opening his browser tab, Ted typed in 10 best office pranks.
This was gonna be fun.