Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

 “Hello…wake up...hey.”

I groan as I hear voices in my sleep. I hate it whenever the neighbor's children are being too loud again, especially during the early morning hours. I have work tomorrow so I just decided to Ignore the noise and hope that whoever's child that is gets the “belt” from their dad for making such a rucks at such an hour.

People are trying to sleep here.

“Hey…are you OK? Please say something.”

There it is again, but this time much louder and in…English??!! Since when did the brats next door learn English? Ah nevermind, who cares? But I swear if they don’t shut up…

“Hey…wake up. Please wake up if you can hear us.” I hear it AGAIN, but this time I can feel something poking my face which momentarily surprises me.

I groan before slowly opening my eyes and immediately regretting it.

VERDAMMT NOCH MAL DAS LICHT. DAS VERDAMMTE LICHT! WER HAT DAS LICHT IN MY ZIMMER ANGEMACHT?! AH FUCK! I mentally scream as I quickly close my eyes shut.

“Verdammt… Alexander wen du das bist dan mach das verdammte licht aus. Ich seh nicht.” I complain, thinking it might be my younger cousin for some reason.

“Uh…what? What did he say? So- sorry but we can’t understand you sir. Can you please repeat that?” I heard the same voice from before reply. Now I am really confused. For one, that is not my cousin, and two, who the fuck is it then? It's certainly not one of the kids next door that’s for sure. Did some random kid then break into our house?

Well, only one way to find out. And with that, I mean to slowly open my eyes to allow them to adjust themselves to the light, only to be met with a blur of colors which, with a few blinks, allowed my eyes to refocus to make out three brightly colored creatures looking down at me.

One is a blue turtle, another one an orange lizard, and lastly a green…thing with a leaf on its head. They look quite confused. An expression I quickly mimicked the moment my mind was conscious enough to process all of this.

Was zum Teufel…

“Uhhh….anyway it's great to see that you ok there mister. You really had us worried there for a moment. You weren’t moving or responding at all when we first tried to wake you up. Say…what Pokémon are you?” The orange lizard asks while tilting its head. Its blue eyes reflect a sense of confusion but also youthful wonder.

A feeling I again can share, minus the youthful part. I mean I’m only in my early 30’s. But still. This is incredibly surreal and bizarre. Am I dreaming, am I actually still asleep, or is all of the stress from my job finally getting to me?

Questions I have no answers to, and I hate that. Worst, these faces give me a strange sense of Déjà vu. Like I have seen them before but I can’t exactly pinpoint where. Was it on TV? If it was then damn, it must have been years or maybe one or two decades ago.

Fuck.

“Uhm…hello? Mister?” It’s the lizard again. But this time waving a hand/claw in front of me to get my attention.

“Maybe he is not ok.” The blue Turtle comments with a raspy-sounding voice.

“What the…Do-don’t touch me, don’t get any closer you frea…” I pause after I slap his claw away with my hand.

Wait…is that my…hand?

Was? I think to myself as I quickly lift up my other hand to confirm it.

Both of them have changed. For starters, they are a lot smaller now than I remembered. With tiny little fingers and completely white-washed skin. Like as if someone has poured a whole bottle of bleach on them to remove them from all of their colors. Is that even possible? Can Bleach really bleache out you ha…fuck wrong questions. What I really should ask is WHY ARE MY HANDS SO DIFFERENT!? What happened? If my hands are different now then that means the rest of my body is probably different as well.

I have heard, read, seen and fucking played through enough stories where a character suddenly wakes up in the middle of nowhere with a completely different body, and this, this so this feels horrifyingly similar.

I need to see myself. I NEED A MIRROR!” I scream inside my head before quickly rolling onto my stomach so I can crawl.

“He-Hey” I hear one of them protest but I ignore them.

A pond. I again think to myself after spotting it just a few meters away from me.

I quickly start to crawl towards it. Again completely ignoring the voices calling out behind me and just being hell-bent on finding out if I am still handsome or not, and the results were shocking.

Not only have I lost my meticulously crafted jawline, but in return I now have a star-shaped head with beady little eyes and pieces of paper stuck on each pointed end of my head. Three in total. Plus my face is also now completely white, just like my hands with some type of triangular makeup painted underneath my eyes.

I now look like a clown. A cartoon Clown. A Clown with a half-shaped star for a head.

I SPENT AT LEAST 30 MINUTES YESTERDAY TRIMMING MY BEARD, AND NOW ALL OF THAT WORK, ALL OF THAT EFFORT, GONE! FUUUUUUUUCK!

And at that moment I just lost consciousness.

Chapter Text

*Gaps* I gasp as I wake up. Followed by a coughing which kind of hurt for some reason.

“Fuck!” I wheezed while clutching my chest. “What…what happened?” I ask myself while looking around. This is most definitely not my bedroom. Or my house for that matter. In fact, this place looks a tad bit too rustic to be a normal house. The walls -or lack there off- are just made of stone foundation with a wooden railing on top and beams holding the roof up. The roof itself is just covered in thatch, and even the floor beneath me is just plain ol’ dirt with a bit of grass and large pieces of cobblestone to break the monotony. Whoever dragged me here didn’t even bother to give me a pillow to lay on. Bastards. Which at least explains my sore back.

“Again…what happened?” I repeat myself a second time as I begin to look around for possible answers. But obviously none were found. I then look at my hands and find to my dismay that they are still white and tiny.

That at least removes the possibility that this was a dream and that this, in fact, is reality. The sourness I feel in my chest and back also confirms this.

I sigh. “Verdammnt” I swear before looking around once more. There is a large pool of water just next to me which I didn’t notice before, but I don’t need to look at my reflection to confirm my fears further. Looking at my tiny arms, stubby little legs and my snow-white torso are enough.

I still remember the reflection I saw before falling unconscious.

“Hey, you're finally awake.” I hear someone say behind me which forced me to turn my head to meet them.

It’s a green colored bean with legs from earlier. Accompanied by that orange lizard and that blue turtle. Judging by its voice I would guess that it's a she, also is the lizard's tail on fire? Doesn’t that hurt? But then again who cares? This entire situation is already surreal enough as it is, so meeting an orange-talking lizard with a burning tail no longer strikes me as odd at this point. If one of them suddenly claims he or she is a “wizard” I would believe them.

Plus I used to play D&D during my high school and college years so that idea is not exactly foreign to me.

But what IS foreign to me is me turning into a star-headed midget! Anyway, I should probably say something before they think I’m a vegetable.

“Uh…hey.” I casually reply.

“Not much of a talker I see.” The green bean chuckles “Well, no problem. Judging from your earlier reaction I guess you were under a lot of stress. Which can bring anyone into an untalkative mood.” She explains.

Oh, you fucking think? I think while resisting the urge to glare at her.

Stress. Yeah, let's call what I just went through stress. That sounds about fucking right. If you weren't sounding like a kid I would just tell you to just “fuck off”. But I am not that much of a dick. I again think to myself.

“Say uhm…how are you feeling?” She then asks.

“Fine…I guess” I lie before suddenly having another coughing fit. Thanks, body for supporting my lie you dipshit.

“Shit…why am I coughing so much? I ask out loud.

“Oh… that's because you almost drowned when you suddenly fell unconscious. We had to quickly pull your head out of the water to prevent that from happening.” The orange Lizard explains while rubbing the neck.

That at least explains the coughing. But that still doesn’t explain where I am and why I am here. What is this place, who are those creatures, and WHY am I this…this THING? WHY?

“I think he is having a monologue.” I hear the turtle whisper to his orange counterpart.

I give him a glare which he seems to notice judging by the awkward grin he is giving me.

“Well uhm…anyways. I am Chikorita.” She points a foreleg at herself before looking at her two comrades behind her. “And these are Charmander and Squirtle” She pointed at them respectively “And together we are…” She holds a dramatic pause. “…TEAM GO-GETTERS! RESCUE TEAM EXTRAORDINAIRE. WE SAVE EM’ ALL, BIG AND SMALL. GO TEAM GO-GETTERS!” They all suddenly exclaim in unison before striking a pose.

I was cringing HARD. So hard in fact that fell backward into the pool behind me. Luckily I can so that’s not the problem. What IS the problem is the temperature. God damn this water is cold. I almost reflexively gasped because of it. That’s how people drown when jumping into ice-cold water when unprepared. Good thing I caught myself or otherwise…well…you know.

At least my new arms are large enough for me to quickly swim back to the surface and strong enough for me to pull myself out.

“Oh my gosh. A-are you ok?” The bean girl asks as she and her friends quickly come running towards me to help me.

“Fuck…why is this water so dam cold? Is this mountain water of what?” I ask while laying flat on my stomach.

“Actually it is, channeled directly from the mountains nearby” I hear the orange lizard…or rather “ Charmander” reply. I guess I should make an effort to refer them to by their names since I have a feeling that I’m going to be seeing them a lot more.

I just groan while still refusing to remove myself from the floor. I’m just tired at this point, really, REALLY, tired and annoyed. Especially annoyed.

“Uhm…say this might be sounding a bit rude but…can you maybe tell us what kind of Pokémon you are? We’ve never seen anyone like you before so…I’m curious that’s all.” Charmander asks which had me perk up.

Pokémon, Pokémon…wait…you mean THE POKEMON? The monster-catching game? These are fucking Pokemon? Holy shit what the FUCK. I am somehow in the fucking pocket monster universe. Das kann doch nicht wahr sein ! ” I mentally flip out at the realization.

Ok, calm down. Calm down. No use in losing your mind a second time. It won't help you. So, let me…think.

Pokémon. Damn, I haven’t thought about this franchise in years. I used to collect the trading cards when I was a kid, because back in the day everybody was doing it. You know, just following a trend and whatall. But after I reached high school, I hooked out. There, I was introduced to other things that hooked me. Like D&D for example. Played half a dozen campaigns back then and even some D&D-related video games. But that also stopped once I entered the working market and joined a company named…

“I think he is monologuing again.” I hear the turtle named Squirtle whisper to his friend which brought me out of my train of thought.

“Fuck you!” I retort causing all three to retort in shock at my outburst.

I quickly calmed. Mist! Calm down dude, they're just kids. I really shouldn’t be swearing around them, or at least not swear AT THEM. Plus their just trying to help me. So just calm down and don’t be a dick…at least not towards kids. I think to myself before quickly pushing myself up into a sitting position so that I can apologize to them properly.

“Ok look, I’m…sorry for my outburst. It's just that I’m…really lost…and confused at the moment. I just need some help. Because…I don’t know what to do from here.” I confess.

“I…” Chikorita began. “I see. Well, I understand. As a rescue team, we’ve encountered all sorts of Pokémon’s throughout our travels. Including Pokémon who felt the same way as you mister. lost and agitated to the point where we first had to calm them down. So I get it.” Chikorita explains with a look of empathy behind her eyes.

I don’t know what she meant by that. But I’ll take it. Whatever gets me close to home.

I just nod. Glad that I didn’t scare them off and ruin my chances with the locals. But now onto the point, which I am very good at.

“Say. Do you three maybe know someone who could help me then? Someone who might be knowledgeable. Maybe some kind of wise guy or leader?” I ask.

The trio paused before whispering to one another. Chikorita (who might be their leader) eventually nods before looking back at me.

“Well yeah, that would be Whiscash our town leader, and Alakazam from Team A.C.T. These two should be able to help you if you have questions.” She explains, which is a start.

“Great!” I exclaim while standing up. “Let me just go ahead and fin…” only for me to fall on my face.

“He-hey. Are you doing alright there?” I hear Squirtle ask.

“Damn stubby legs,” I mutter into the dirt.

This is going to be a problem.

Ok let me try again. I think to myself as I push myself back up. Trying to stand on these “ LEGS ” -if I can even call them that- is weird is fuck. It's like standing on stilts, if said stilts were only the height of two chicken eggs, and don’t even get me started on walking.

Oh, this is bullshit. I think to myself as I am trying to keep my balance.

“Uh…mister. Are you…” Charmander tried to ask before I cut him off.

“YES! I am doing great. In fact, I am doing SO GREAT that I am literally shaking with energy and excitement.” I lie while masking my frustration. “In fact, can I maybe lean myself on one of you until this excitement subsides?” I ask.

They look at themselves awkwardly. “Uh…yeah I can do that I guess.” The blue one offers before walking over to assist me. “Here, you can lean against my shell if you want.” He proposes. An offer I graciously took almost immediately and not because I lost my balance. No sir.

“Thanks. Anyway, since I am too excited to walk can you three maybe also lead me to either Wishcash or Alakazam so that I can talk to them?” I ask. My big star-shaped head is making it somewhat awkward for me to lean against his shell. Which is, again, just fucking perfect.

“Yeah sure, not a problem,” Chikorita agrees before leading the way. Perfect.

“All right, just tell me if you are having problems, ok?” Squirtle offers as the two of us slowly start to follow her.

“Sure I’ll let ya know,” I reply.

Oh this is going to be GREAT, isn’t it?

The thickest shade of sarcasm I have ever painted in my life. At this point, I would wanna get back to my day job at H.R over this shit.

At least there I can be a dick and get paid for it.

Leck mich am arsch.

Chapter Text

“Welcome to Pokemon Plaza,” Chikorita announces while happily gesturing at the central square in front of her in a rather dramatic fashion.

As dramatic as a green bean on legs can be.

Which makes me realize just how surreal this whole thing is. Like walking through a theme park or something, or maybe a cartoon. There are Pokemon's literally everywhere from all shapes and sizes going about their day. Some were shopping, some were just standing in the open and talking to one another and some were even hanging out in front of a shop which kinda looks like a café of some sort. Complete with tables, stools, and parasols to protect patrons from the scorching rays of the sun. I would have never imagined that these “Pokémon” were capable of living civilized lives. Not that I knew much about Pokémon to begin with since it has been years or even a decade since I last gave this franchise any attention. But I digress. Seeing these magical talking animals living inside custom-built homes and working basic jobs like Carpenters, Clerks, or even Bankers is quite the culture shock for me.

What’s next, do these Pokémon have to pay taxes too? Is there a Pokémon monarch? Do they even have toilet paper? So many questions yet so little time, with none of them being even remotely important besides the one question I care for. “Can I get back home?” Only because I refuse to become the first person in history to get fired for multiverse dimensional hitchhiking, and for changing into a star-headed midget. But that is beside the point.

What IS the point is me finding a way back home ASAP before either Melvin, Alex, or even Albert starts rummaging through my stuff. Especially the “box” hidden underneath my bed. The less I talk about the box the better. This leads me to…

“Hey uh, Mister?’ Squirtle calls out while poking me on my cheek.

I blink. “Wh-what?” I ask while looking around.

“Well, we're here.” He points out.

“Plus you’ve attracted quite a crowd too.” Charmander’s comments.

I can tell what he meant. For some reason a somewhat sizable group of Pokémon have gathered in front of what I describe as a fairly large pond surrounded by cliffs on almost all sides and with a small rocky island in the middle. There are even three small waterfalls on the opposite side of this pond. Emerging from the top of the cliffs and feeding into the waters below.

Quite a picturesque, quite peaceful even if it wasn’t for the large crowd breaking the scenic beauty of this place by staring holes into my soul and gossiping to one another. I think I just heard one of them ask the other what type of Pokémon I am with the other replaying “I don’t know”.

Ah yes, I should have figured as much that I have turned into a Pokémon the moment the name Pokémon was mentioned. That at least answers one of my questions. One out of a dozen.

“Say, where is this Wishcash characters you mentioned earlier?” I ask while looking at the Bean in question. A loud splash cuts her off which gets everyone’s attention.

“Well, well, well. What is this? Why are there so many Pokemon gathered here? What’s the occasion?” A new voice suddenly calls out whose owner seems to be a blue catfish-looking Pokémon peaking its head from the water's surface.

He seems perplexed but also slightly amused at the large crowd of Pokémon gathered in front of his pond.

Chikorita is the first to step up. “Hello, sir Wishcash. We’ve brought a new friend who wishes to speak with you.” She explains while looking at the fish with whiskers.

“Oh is that so?” He reacts. “Is your friend maybe the reason why there is such a large crowd in front of my pond? Must be quite the friend to attract this much attention.” He chuckles before his eyes finally fell onto mine.

His demeanor quickly changed.

“Hold on.” He reacts with his eyes going wide. “Is that the new friend you just mentioned? He asks.

“Yeah, that’s him.” Chikorita nods. “But…what’s with the shocked expression?” She asks.

“N-nothing. Let me just swim a little closer so that I can…”He does just that before his eyes go even wider.

“By ARCEUS! It’s…but I thought it was only a myth.” He calls out in shock.

Now I’m the perplexed one. Am I really that ugly now?

“A myth? What myth. Wait…you never told us who you are and what is your name?” Squirtle asks while turning his head to look at me.

“That, Squirtle is Jirachi. The mythical Pokémon of wishes. The one who slumbers for a 1000 years to then awake to then grant a Pokémon almost any wish according to legends…and…and it is right here, right here in Pokemon Square of all places…H-how did you three meet him?” He asks while sounding completely flabbergasted. And not just him. The moment he said that name a decent number of Pokemon around us also had the same expression. Looking just as shocked or surprised at the realization as he did, with one even going so far as to faint after hearing this name…or my name, the name of whatever I turned into.

New whispers suddenly echoed.

“Wait…did he say Jirachi? THE JIRACHI!?

“But wait, I just thought that name was just a myth.”

“Wait, he only awakes after a 1000 years? That’s crazy!”

“Can it really grant any wishes?” Where some of the reactions I’ve overheard in this new sea of whispers and gossip. 

Admits all of this a small caterpillar-like Pokémon suddenly emerges from the crowd and approaches me, much to the protest of an oversized-looking butterfly who stood behind.

It looks at me. “It is true that you can grant almost any wish?” It asks, its eyes sparkling with a sense of childlike wonder.

I scoffed. “Kid, if I had the ability to grant wishes then I wouldn’t be working from 9 to 5,” I reply with a deadpan look.

One of the onlookers perks up “Wait…9 to 5? Hold on…so you’re working a full-time job?” A big brown colored dinosaur thing with a kangaroo pouch asks.

I nod. “Indeed I do. In Human Resources or H.R for short where I get the privilege of dealing with assholes on both ends. Both from upper management and from customers.” I reply. Not sure why I bother to explain that. But it's already too late, as the sudden silence in the air proves it.

Did I accidentally insult someone's dead grandmother or something?

“H-hold on. Did you say HUMAN?” A pink bulldog-looking Pokémon asks with a massive overbite.

“Uh…yeah?” I react, slightly surprised at the sudden outburst.

“Wait, so you’re saying you are a Human too?” Charmander asks.

“ Human too? What do u mean by that? Are you saying that there are more Humans stuck in this world besides me?” I ask back.

“Yeah, you're leaning against one,” Squirtle replies while giving me a curious look.

I backed off a bit as a reaction to this news before unceremoniously falling onto my ass. Yeah, these fucking legs man. Still need to get used to them.

“Wait…Jirachi is a HUMAN. I-I don’t remember that part of the legend.” I hear someone comment.

“No way another human? Does this mean that there is going to be another disaster?” Another one reacts, sounding quite worried.

“He-hey that’s right. If there is another Human this soon then…then does this mean….?” I hear another stutter before pausing. A wave of worry suddenly spreads throughout the crowd as everyone is quickly expressing their own worries and fears. Almost to the point of full-blown panic.

“Everyone please calm down. Please. No need to panic.” Mister Catfish calls out, obviously trying to de-escalate this situation before it can turn into something worse.

With almost no fucking success as is typical.

I on my end have no bloody clue what the fucking deal with all of this is. Are humans seen as a form of bad omen? Now they just keep spouting out scenarios as to how the world is going to fall into peril next. All because I am here.

Well, there is only one thing to do to get these critters to calm down.

“ALL OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!” I scream. The entire crowd quickly fell silent.

“There!” I gesture. “That’s how you do it.” I state, demonstrating my years of experience working at H.R. Works every time, even Squirtle and the other three are staring at me with shocked expressions at my sudden outburst.

Welp, that lasted long didn’t it? I did promised myself to tone down my use of profanity in front of children’s. But eh, I never claimed to be great with kids anyway. In fact, I’m pretty horrible at it. You can blame the environment I grew up in as a kid and not specifically me. But that is a story for, well, NEVER.

Anyway, back on topic. Now can finally focus on the fish in front of me and ask him some questions. Like how to get back home AND how to get my body back.

“Uh Wishcash was it?” I ask to get his attention.

He blinks. “Uh…Ye-yeah that’s me?” He stutters before regaining his composure. “Anyway, what can I do for you…if you really are a human that is?” He asks. Straight to the point eh, I Like it, so am I which means the meeting is going to be short and quick.

“Well then…” I began while pushing myself back upright and almost succeeded in losing my balance yet again. You know what? Let’s just sit back down to not make this more difficult for me.

“So…” I started. “How do I get back home?” I ask.

“Uh excuse me?” The fish reacts, looking quite confused.

“ I asked if there is a way for me to get back home. Because I'd kinda like to.” I express myself more clearly.

The confusion didn’t fade though. “I-im sorry. I wish I knew but…I have honestly no idea how you can get back home, or how you even got here in the first place. I mean heck, besides you, Gengar, and Squirtle over here, you three are the only humans I know of. Well, humans turned into Pokémon’s to be specific. I don’t even know what an actual human looks like. So again…sorry but…I don’t know how you can get back or even where you could start looking. So once again I am deeply, deeply sorry about this.” He ends empathetically.

Not that it really matters how he feels because I just feel…well…distraught hearing this

“So, you don’t know?” I ask, in hopes that I might have misunderstood him for some reason.

Sadly, he nods. “I am afraid so.” He confirms.    

“Well… shit…”I reply while looking down at the ground—specifically the area in between my stubby little legs because…I just realized that I don’t feel anything down there. No Family Jewels, no nothing. Besides getting displaced to another world, turned into a marketable piece of cardboard for a multibillion-dollar franchise, I now also have to contend with the reality that I might have been neutered. So no more “adult” content for me. I guess I can throw out my collection of “Playboy magazines” that I have been collecting over the years and hiding them underneath my bed.

But hey, at least I no longer have to wake up with “morning wood”. So that is a plus I suppose. Though…how do I piss? Do I even need to piss? Do I even need food or drinks?

“Ffffuuuuck…I need some coffee.” I mutter before looking back at the fish with whiskers.

“Hey, do you peepaapoos at least have some coffee around here?” I ask.

“Uh…ye-yeah. We do.” A white and red-dotted rabbit thing replies. Its eyes just consist of two swirly lines which looks odd. Are those even eyes? Can it even see? “I run a local café shop near the Plaza. I can happily get you some coffee if you need some.” She offers with an awkward smile.

“Sounds good.” I nod. “Can you make it EXTRA strong though? I kinda need it.” I request.

“N-no problem. Uh, Meaowstic?” She turns her attention to white and blue looking…I guess cat looking thing? With two curled-up tails and red and yellow cat eyes…oh and it's standing upright because why not.

“Yeah.” She replies.

“Can you bring him a cup of coffee extra strong with no sugar or milk?” She asks.

“No problem.” She nods before quickly pushing herself through the crowd and disappearing. Hopefully coming back with my coffee just as quickly, because I need it.

I’m not getting paid enough to deal with this shit.

Chapter Text

A grunt escapes my mouth as I pull myself onto an old tree stump to rest my weary little legs.

Ah, it feels great to sit down finally. Stubby legs aside, I get this feeling that this body isn’t really built for walking...or any form of physical activity for that matter. I haven’t even made it that far and I am already feeling exhausted. Maybe what this shitty ass body needs is just some training. Get it up to shape with some exercise, some cardio. I mean if I am going to be stuck with this body for the foreseeable future (hopefully not) then I should at least try and get it up to snuff. I mean even despite that I still somehow managed to give everyone the slip when no one was paying attention and walked all the way over here while only falling onto my face once…ok maybe that twice…third-JUST THREE TIMES! I ONLY FELL ON MY FACE THREE TIMES DURING MY TRIP OK?! Given my situation that should count as an achievement, right?

Anyway, back on topic.

“You know, it would have been a lot easier to bring you your coffee if you didn’t just disappear, you know.” A voice suddenly criticized me from behind which almost made me jump.

I turned around. “HEILLIGE SCHEISSE! Where did you come from!?” I ask while looking at Pokemon behind me.

“I followed you duh. Saw you leave Wishcash's pond and decided to just follow you to see where you were sneaking off too.” The character I remember named “Meowstic” explains while holding a cup of coffee in between in her stubs? Paws? Hands? Who cares? All I care about is that she has my coffee and that’s what matters.

So wait…she was stalking me this entire time? Did she also see me falling three times and cursing whatever deity these Pokémon have?

Ah who cares, I need some coffee ASAP to calm my already agitated nerves and mind.

I promptly took the cup off her “paws?” and immediately start to gulp it down, only for me to almost choke on it at how hot it is.

I gag. “Fuck…*cough* could have warned me that this brew is still boiling,” I complain while trying to cool my throat by heaving.

She just crosses her arms. “You know, for a ‘mythical’ you sure do say and do some pretty stupid things. Was Wishcash maybe mistaken?” She theorizes while giving me a weird look.

I frown. “Eh, what part of ‘me being human’ did you forget?” I retorted back.

“None. I just find your behavior…odd. Human or otherwise.” She explains while tilting her head.

“Pfff, you can blame my family for that. They’re all nutjobs. With some more than others.” I reply before taking another sip of my coffee, but this time being more careful.

“Hey, there he is!” I hear Charmander’s voice call out. I watch as he and his two friends come running up the hill.

Welp, goodbye peace and quiet.

“We’ve been looking all over for you!” Chikorita says as she and her friends come to a full stop.

“Yeah, dude, not cool to just disappear like that...” Squirtle sighs, looking a bit exhausted. After all, He is a turtle, and carrying that thick shell around probably doesn’t make it easier. But that is not what I want to focus on. Instead…

“Hold on, didn’t you mention earlier that you were also a human?” I ask.

He pauses. “Huh? Oh yeah, I am…or should I say I was. Like you said, because…well you can tell.” He gestures up and down at himself.

I nod. “Ok cool, so what’s your name then?” I again ask.

“Uh… it’s Squirtle.” He replies while looking a bit confused.

“Squirtle?” I pause. “Squirtle doesn’t sound like a Human name to me. At least from what I know.” I muse while scratching my BIG ASS head. How does my neck still exist with this big bastard attached to it? Wait…do I even have a neck?

Whatever. Back to the Squirt who is currently rubbing the back of his head while looking off to the side. Looking quite awkward. “That’s…because it's not my actual name but the name of my species. I…don’t…remember my name or who I was before I became a Pokémon. I just know that I’m human…or was as you put it.” He explains while rubbing his left shoulder and diverting eye contact. Looking a bit depressed. But then he quickly perked back up again, which almost made me spill my coffee at his sudden phase shift. “Bu-but it's ok. I’ve long come to terms with my loss and made so many new memories with my two best friends over here.” He looks at his two counterparts in question and smiles. “Honestly, the adventures we’ve been through, the challenges we faced, the hardships, I wouldn’t trade those away for anything. Even if the prize was that I could find out more about my past. You guys are the best friends a guy like me could ever ask for.” He beams looking content.

Charmander laughs “Yeah, right back at ya buddy!” Charmander replies while playfully hitting him on his shoulder.

“Au, yeah...” Squirtle reacts but still smiles.

“Plus we're heroes too, don't forget that!” Chikorita adds.

“What? Oh yeah, that. I almost forgot about that to be honest. He he he.” He laughs while again rubbing the back of his head. 

I just roll my eyes at all of this mushy shit and pretend to know what the fuck they were talking about. I climbed this hill to find solace and not to witness some cheesy Care Bear shit. I work at H.R dammit, my job is to be the middleman of a company and to deal with assholes on both sides. You need to be an ‘asshole’ to deal with assholes, otherwise, you might go insane. Just like what happened to poor old Karl. He only worked there for 6 months before he had to take constant breaks and go and consult his psychiatrist. Another 6 months later and he was gone. Back to his normal job in front of his copy machine because he couldn’t handle the stress.

I don’t blame him. I too would have given up a long time ago if I didn’t have the mental fortitude to deal with bullshit. This is the main reason why I am so freaking calm about all of this and not in the process of losing my fucking mind. I’m stuck in a world that was created by some Japanese dickhead while also having lost my dick in the process.

Most people would have lost it by now. But not me. Oh no. I instead would be writing an entire book about how much this sucks if someone would give me a pen and a large stack of papers to do so.

In fact…

“I think he is distracted again.” I heard Charmander comment which pulled me out of my thoughts.

“What? No, I'm just thinking that’s all.” I clarify before taking another sip of my morning brew, even though it's no longer morning judging by the sun's position. Why am I nitpicking?

“What were you thinking?” Squirtle asks.

“That’s the thing. You’re not supposed to know. That is the whole point of thinking. The fact that no one knows what's going on up here except you.” I point at my head before taking another sip.

They just look at each other awkwardly before Charmander replies. “R-right, anyway we never got your actual name by the way if you have one that is? Is that ok to maybe ask?” He questions which makes me pause for just a second.

Oh yeah, I never properly introduced myself to them, didn’t I? I think to myself while putting the cup down.

Well, time to rectify that.

“No problem, my name is Christoph, Christoph Becker, but you can just call me Christoph without my surname because… everyone does automatically really, so I don’t know why I even bothered to point that out,” I reply before staring upwards towards the open sky with a thoughtful look on my face.

“Wait…so you DO remember your name? Like your human name ?” Squirtle emphasizes. 

Yeah, your friend just ASKED me about my name and now you're suddenly acting surprised after I told you my name? Do you have the attention span of a goldfish or something? I think to myself while obviously not saying it out loud to not present myself as overly hostile towards them.

Ok just calm down, remember these are just kids, just kids, calm the fuck down Christoph. No need to get your dick in a twi…fuck!

Anyway, I just nod while masking the foul mood I am having.

Squirtle again reacts surprised. “So... Do you remember more than just your name then?” He asks.

“Yeah, I mean why wouldn’t I?” I replied.

“Well, that’s not fair then.” I hear him mumble to himself while crossing his arms. I was so hard tempted to call him out on that but decided against it. I may be a dick at times but…FUCK! I should really stop making these dick jokes because this day is already bad enough as it is and coffee can only do so much.

I really need a second cup once I am done with this one, or maybe a third, or a fourth?

“Wait a minute…since you’re from the Human world, maybe you can tell us what the Human world looks like. Like how do you guys live, what do you humans do for fun or if you also have rescue teams like we do?” Chikorita suddenly calls out while looking all excited and stuff.

Scratch that I’ll probably need their entire stock of Coffee once this is done. God save my soul.

“Hey yeah, she is right. This is the perfect opportunity to learn more about you guys. Just think about it Squirtle, maybe you can learn something about yourself as well. Maybe even remember something.” Charmander also calls out before looking at his partner next to him with a big smile.

“Yeah, yeah you're probably right,” Squirtle responds with his previous cheerfulness returning in full force and I am having NONE of it.

“Ok you three listen. I just had a….”

“Team Go-Getters, Team Go-Getters! Team A.C.T are finally back!” Someone suddenly shouted while also coincidentally interrupting me.

Bloody rude. I swear I’m going to tell this person my…shit…it’s the little caterpillar kid from earlier.

“Team A.C.T are back?” Chikorita asks as if she didn’t hear him the first time. I mean who knows, she could have hearing problems for all I know. I mean don’t see any ears on her bean shaped body. Could be possible. But I’m also not going to ask her to confirm that.

“Yeah, Team A.C.T. They are finally back from their long journey to Wish Cave. So come on, I am sure you guys want to hear their stories too.” He explains before quickly crawling away again.

Quite quickly for a Caterpillar mind you.

“Caterpie, hold up!” Chikorita calls.

“You heard him, let's go! Team A.C.T always has the most epic stories to tell, and you should probably come too.” Charmader states while looking at me.

“What? Why?” I react.

“Because the Team leader of A.C.T is none other than Alakazam. He is one of the smartest Pokémon around, and unlike Sir Wishcash he gets around a lot. So, if there is anyone that can help you it might be him.” He explains.

“Yeah, but you also said that about the catfish, and that led nowhere,” I argue.  

He pauses. “Catfish…? Never mind, it's still worth a shot at least.” He offers as Miss Bean and the turtle waits for me to make a decision.

I sigh. “Fine… it’s not like I have anything better to do.” I agreed before hopping off my fallen tree log.

“Hey, at least give me back the coffee cup,” Meowstic calls out.

Shit, I totally forgot that she was here. I think to myself as I pause.

“Fine, here,” I replied before giving it to her.

“That’ll be 10 Poké.” She states before holding out a paw or whatever.

“Wait…I have to PAY FOR THIS?!” I ask with a bit of shock.

“I mean duh. Spinda and I are trying to run a cafe, you gotta pay up.” She explains while doing the “gimme” motion with her paw.

“ I see…well let me just…” I pause before running off as quickly as my dingy-“ass legs can carry me.

“HEY WAIT!” I hear her call out. I ignored her of course, especially when I suddenly remembered that I still couldn’t properly run with this body, so instead started to tumble down the hill before coming to a full stop upside down with the tip of my head having wedged itself into something.

Leck mich am arsch…

Chapter Text

“You know, we could have easily paid her for the coffee if you just asked.” I hear Charmander comment as we continue our path back to the town.

Waaa, if only you asked us waa waa waaaa. I mock mentally as I rub the tip of my head which still hurts a bit including my pride.

I haven’t even been here ONE day and I already made myself look like a complete doofus. Getting myself stuck between some rocks after tripping and rolling down a hill. Way to go. But this time It wasn’t my dinky ass legs that betrayed me, surprisingly enough. No, it was because of something else. Something I didn’t even notice until now. My damn cape. Yes, a freaking cape. For some reason, this body has two scarf-like capes attached directly to its shoulders. It also doesn’t help that they are long enough for them to constantly drag along the ground wherever. Which heavily increases the chances for them to get caught by something. Like someone’s legs for example.

Why do I have these? Having those would be fine If they were just clothing. Which, as I stated earlier, are not. They are literally part of my body which is…why? I just know these things will give me issues down the line. In fact, I will even BET money on the possibility that at some point these things are going to get themselves stuck in something which will either put me into an awkward situation or perhaps even get me killed . Which in hindsight might not be such a bad idea right now. But I digress. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there, but for now, I have them wrapped around my neck like an actual pair of scarves to prevent further accidents and to allow myself just a little bit more decency.

Because I also just realized that I’m fucking naked too.

“Hey look, Caterpie was right. Everyone is already gathered around team A.C.T at the town square. Come on, let's pick up the pace!” I hear Charmander call out which removes me from my internal rant.

I never got the chance to call back my psychiatrist to maybe talk about this little quirk of mine, and at this point I’ll probably never will. Which works for me because that asshole is charging his sessions by the minute and not per hour, which is outrageous.

So good fucking riddance.  

The big yellow dude standing at the center was already talking when we finally joined the crowd. It's nice to no longer be the center of attention. I mean how can I when standing just behind him is a big green dinosaur-looking thing with spikes protruding from its back and standing next to that we have a big orange DRAGON, with its tail on fire similar to Charmander’s next to me. I think they're related. Actually I do remember from back in the day that Pokémon can do this thing which allows them to grow into bigger and badder versions of one another. I think this is what I’m seeing right here. How Charmander will look like past his puberty.

Do Pokémon even go through puberty? I hope not. Humans going through puberty is already bad enough. Imagine a super-powered animal with the ability to spew fire or cause earthquakes going through puberty. It'll be pandemonium, specifically for the parents.

Poor bastards.

“…so wait…does this mean you guys failed the mission?” I hear someone ask with a tone of disbelief behind their voice. One I can’t see because I’m small, and it sucks, and there is a big pink blob with bunny ears blocking my view alongside a few others.

Can you all please move out of the way so that I can also SEE what the commotion is all about?

No consideration for the little guys. For fuck sake.

“Wait. Team A.C.T failing a mission? That is almost unheard of!” I hear another one react quickly after, which is immediately followed by a new wave of whispers and gossip from the crowd.

“But A.C.T are the best right? So how can they fail?

“They might be one of the best teams around but even the best can fail sometimes.”

“Wait, that doesn’t make sense. If they are the best then how can they fail?

“Hey, does anyone want to hear a funny joke?” Are some of the reactions I can pick out.

“Uhm…what’s going on here?” Squirtle asks while looking at the crowd in front of him in confusion.

Seriously? Are you now deaf too?

Well, at least his stupid question was enough to get the attention of one of the onlookers, who happened to be the big brown dinosaur/kangaroo mama from earlier—this time with a kid inside her belly pouch that looks exactly like her. Only gray and obviously a lot smaller. Which means….

“HA, I KNEW IT! I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG! She actually IS a big dinosaur mama kangaroo hybrid thing. Before it was just a guess but now it has been 100 percent confirmed with the presence of a kid inside her pouch. GOD I love It when I am right.” I state while feeling quite pleased with myself, unaware that everyone around me is now staring at me.

Including the aforementioned dinosaur mama kangaroo thing I was talking about.

“Uh…excuse me?” She reacts while giving me a rather weird look. A mix of shock, bewilderment, and feeling a bit offended, all at the same time. Something I’ve only seen once before when I told a “particularly difficult” customer that she could take her complaints and shove it up her dead grandma’s ass for all I cared. I think her name was Karen. But I could also be misremembering her name. Ah who cares? Because the end point was that she fainted afterwards after speed-running through the 5 stages of grief, followed by an ambulance. That was quite a day, I didn’t even get into trouble for chewing out a customer, because apparently, she was being a royal pain in the ass for the customer support team, even the head executive himself. So in the end all went well, and I even gained a hefty pay bonus for apparently standing up to that “witch” and was even granted the rest of the day off.

That was one of the best days I had at my job so far. Good times, good times.

“Mom? Why is he just standing with that funny look?”

“I don’t know but…he is just…staring off into space after with a strange smile. Is…is your friend alright?” I heard ‘big dinosaur mama kangaroo thing’ ask with concern, which brought me back to reality.

“We…don’t…know. But I am starting to get worried as well. This doesn’t seem normal.” I hear Chikorita reply.

I blink. “What? Oh yeah no I just lost it though, anyway eh what's going on?” I ask too quickly to move the subject.   

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot!” Chikorita perks after realizing that herself. “ So uhm, what exactly is going on Miss Kangaskhan? What’s with all the commotion?” She asks after getting back on topic.

“Well…” The now dubbed Kangaskhan starts which sounds like a certain Mongolian warlord. “… It’s about Team A.C.T and the possibility that they failed a mission.” She explains which leaves me cold. I mean what’s the big deal? Everyone fails, it's part of life. So why is everyone acting so flabbergasted when a team made of a dinosaur, a dragon, and a yellow guy with a goat head for a face has failed an assignment?

Well, Charmander thinks it’s a big deal as his eyes go wide. “Wait what? Team A.C.T. failed a mission? That’s something I’ve never heard of or at least as far as I can remember.” He reacts before scratching his head. “Hey Chika, do you remember ever hearing about Team A.C.T failing a mission?” He asks his female counterpart.

She shakes her head. “Not that I’m aware of, to be honest.” She replies.

I scoot closer to Squirtle before whispering. “Hey, what’s the deal with this A.C.T. stuff?” I ask in a hushed tone.

“They are one of the best Rescue Teams around. True experts in their craft. They are known to always take on the most dangerous missions out there. Though I have to be honest, I don’t really know much about them other than the fact that they once tried to hunt us down when me, Chika, and Charmander were labeled as criminals many months back.” He explains which quickly makes me raise an eyebrow at that last sentence.

“Criminals? You three used to be criminals? Pff. Hard to believe. You're just kids.” I react with a dismissive wave.

“We-well it's a bit of a story, to be honest, a-and one I won’t get into details right now. Ask me again another time.” He replies while rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “Also we're not kids, ok?” He then quickly argues while losing his awkward demeanor.

“Press X to doubt,” I reply out loud.

“Press X to doubt? What does that mean?” He asks while tilting his head.

“Ask me again another time,” I repeat while crossing my arms.

Squirtle’s just reacts with a deadpan look.

“… you’re saying that the cave was completely empty then? No Pokemon in sight?” I heard someone ask right after I decided to once again pay attention to whatever was going on around us.

At this point, Genghis Khan had stepped aside to at least give us a good enough view of the three Pokémon who are the talk of the town: the aforementioned dinosaur, Charmander’s cooler cousin, and mister goat, who nodded to the previously asked question.

“Yes, correct. It sounds strange but it was true. We couldn’t find Jirachi no matter where we looked or went. The entire dungeon was just completely deserted. There weren't even any wild Pokémon along the way to stop us on our path. It was truly strange.” He explains while stroking his long-ass mustache. Looking thoughtful.

“Wait, did you say Jirachi?” Someone asks, this time I can actually make out who did it, which was some green-looking gremlin with a beak for a mouth and a Lilypad resting on its head like a hat. That is the best way I can describe it.

Either way the yellow goat face nods. “Yes, why?” He asks while looking at him.

“Well, that’s because we have a Jirachi right here.” He confesses.

Shit! I curse to myself as I prepare myself to become the center of attention once more.  

“Did you say ‘A’ Jirachi? That is ridiculous, there is only one Jirachi and they are…” he pauses as his eyes suddenly fall on me for the first time. He froze. Yup, that is the look of a person who’s just seen a ghost for the first time. But…why. Am I really that ugly, am I really that weird looking even to these Pokémon’s with my big ass head and my tiny ass torso and limp? Granted I’ve seen worse but the way I look just defies all forms of science and biology I know of. How is my body not collapsing under its own weight, unless I weigh nothing? Well, that can’t be true because I did create a sizable chunk of surface damage to that rock I rolled into earlier. Like cracks and stuff. Which raises a lot of questions on its own but let's just focus on one thing at a time. The fact that I seem to have enough “mass” to cause a rock to crack removes my weightlessness hypothesis from earlier. Which should mean…

“Wait…your…Jirachi…right?” I suddenly hear him ask which, once again, for the umpteenth time of the day, removed me from my train of thought.

“Can you be quiet for just a moment? I am trying to do science here.” I state while tapping against my thick skull. In fact, it feels like metal the more I tap against it.

“N-no your Jirachi. The one we’ve been trying to find in Wish Cave. Bu-but how? Wh-why are you out here in all places? Here in Pokémon Square?” He asks, looking completely baffled.

“For one…”I state while raising my index finger” this plaza place isn’t a Square it is actually a circle, and two…”I raise a second finger. “ I don’t know why I’m here either. So your guess is as good as mine.” I reply before lowering my arm back to its original position. That being crossed in front of my chest.

“Actually…” Squirtle steps in. “ He is a human.” He calls out while casually pointing a thumb in my general direction.

“W-wait a HUMAN?!” All three of them react in unison which I find rather funny.

 The yellow one shakes his head in an attempt to break his stupor. “A Human…” He muses. “That actually makes sense now.” He comments while scratching his head with a spoon. Oh yeah, did I already mention that he is holding a spoon in each hand? Very important information I know and one I shall now banish into the deepest depths of my mind because I already have enough questions as it is.

Curse you human curiosity!

The big orange dragon blinks before also shaking his head. “How does this make sense?” He asks.

“The fact that Jirachi is missing, and now we have another human right in front of us looking just like them. There might be a connection.” He theorizes while again looking thoughtful.  

“HA, I KNEW IT!” The guy with the lily pad for a hat suddenly exclaims. “We are about to face another disaster, because of him. I knew it. I BLOODY WELL knew it!” He shouts while pointing a claw at me.

So it was HIM who spurred up the crowd earlier. Why I outta…

“Whoa, whoa calm down. No need to jump to conclusions like that. Remember what happened last time when we falsely believed that Squirtle was the cause of all of our woes? So let's not make the same mistake twice.” He points out.

Squirtle shifts a bit awkwardly after hearing that.

The hell did they accuse him of?

“So please let us all calm down. Especially YOU Lombre.” He points a spoon at the lily pad-wearing dick head in question.

Good, now I have a name to add to my “shit list”.

The goat man sighs. “Anyway, back on topic.” He declares before returning his attention back on me. “So, you're a human, correct?” He asks.

“I mean last time I checked -which was last night by the way- I was 1.76 meters tall -or 5 foot 8 for you Americans out there since everyone speaks English here for some reason- human until I suddenly woke up in the middle of nowhere looking like this. Big head, small body, and with no facial hair. An absolute nightmare if you ask me.” I state before crossing my arms.

“What? You mean you turned into a Pokémon?” He wonders.

“No!” I counter. “For me to lose all of my facial hair. Do you have ANY idea how much time I spend trimming it the previous day to make it look just right? All of that effort down the FFFFUCKING DRAIN!” I swore, which made a couple of Pokemon flinch.

“ *gasp* Don’t swear like that! There are children nearby!” Genghis Khan scolds while stuffing her kid into her pouch to shield him from my foul words. I think it's already too late. Also, I doubt a flap of skin can block out sound but what do I do know? I’m just an HR accountant, not a biologist, even though I tried to do science and biology before.

Eh it’s the effort that counts.

Either way back on topic.

“So, I heard you're pretty smart, yes?” I ask while focusing back at the Spoon Man.

He blinks. “Ye-yes, but let me warn you, my knowledge simply comes from experience and the places I’ve seen and heard about. ”He explains.

I nod. “Ok, so do you maybe know if it's possible for someone like me to return home? Because I would really love to get back home for obvious reasons.” I ask, once again going straight to the point.

He pauses before shaking his head. “I’m sorry. But if I knew then I would have already informed Squirtle over here of such a possibility. So no, no I don’t know if it is possible for you to return home. I am not aware of such a thing. So again, I’m sorry.” He apologizes.

“Welp…guess I am stuck here then,” I reply with disappointment.

Verdammt. Was jetzt?  

“There, there. It's not that bad.” Squirtle tries to reassure me while patting me on my back.

“Not so bad. NOT SO BA…” I quickly stop myself.

Remember, he's just a kid. So calm down. I think to myself while quickly regaining my composure.

“Hold on.” Chikorita suddenly calls out. “What about the real Jirachi then? What happened to them?” She asks while looking up at him.

“Good question...” He muses while rubbing his chin.

“Hey, I have an idea.” Charmander suddenly bursts out. “Why don’t we help along to solve this mystery? How about that? Could be a nice break from just doing rescue missions all the time…N-not that doing rescue missions is bad of course.” He laughs awkwardly while rubbing the back of his head.

“I think you could have worded that a bit better.” Squirtle comments while looking at his elemental counterpart.

“Yeah, I know.” Char sighs.

Wait, did I just give him a nickname? Why? Where the fuck did that come from? Don’t tell me I am already becoming cordial with these three. I hardly even know them. I think to myself before shaking my big ass head.

I have had enough of this.

“Well, since there is nothing left for me to do here, I guess I’ll be going.” I declare before turning on my nonexistent heels.

I was about to leave before the voice of the yellow guy stopped me.

“Wait.” I hear him call out. “You could help though.” He states which makes me pause.

I turn around. “Help? Help with what?” I respond while raising an eyebrow.

Do I even have eyebrows?

“Well, to help us figure out what happened to Jirachi. As I mentioned earlier, you suddenly arriving and Jirachi going missing might be more than just a coincidence.” He explains.

“Wait, seriously?” I respond in disbelief.” You are asking ME, a complete stranger you’ve never met, whose an alien to this world mind you, to help you find a missing person? Are you MAD? Can’t you tell that I am already battling my own problems? Like being STUCK HERE? So WHY, or better yet HOW am I supposed to help? I don’t even know what to call you.” I argue, finding it absolutely ridiculous that he would even consider asking ME for help.

Isn’t he supposed to be smart, or were Charmander and the others just bullshiting me?

He sighs. “I know, asking something like this to a stranger is odd, I admit. But you being here and looking exactly like Jirachi can’t be a coincidence. There has to be more to it than that.” He points out. “Oh and my apologies, I should have probably introduced myself first before even asking you for help.” He points at himself.” I am Alakazam, leader of Team A.C.T, and these two are my fellow teammates and friends. Charizard…” He gestures at the big orange dragon to his right who nods. “…and Tyranitar.” He gestures to the big green dinosaur to his left who smiles.

Well that’s great, at least now I know what to call them, which in turn, doesn’t help me AT ALL ! At least tell me how I can get off this planet and I might actually give a shit. But then again, what exactly am I supposed to do? I have no leads, no ideas no…nothing. All I have is a big ass head filled with unnecessary baggage. Both mentally and emotionally.

“Hey wait, I have an idea.” Charmander once again calls out.

“Another one?” Chikorita asks with a raised eyebrow.

Wait, she doesn’t even have eyebrows.

Unnecessary questions aside, Charmander nods. “Yup, I was thinking. Why don’t we allow Christoph to join our rescue team? Together we can then not only find out what happened to Jirachi, but maybe also find a way to get him back to the human world. Don’t you two agree?” He asks while looking in between his two comrades for any form of confirmation.

Chika smiles. “Yeah, that could work. I mean we saved the world once so going on a simple mystery hunt shouldn’t be too much of a problem. Plus we will get to see more of what the world has to offer!” She states, her voice filled with excitement.

“I agree, plus I won’t be the only human in the team anymore. Isn’t that right?” Squirtle’s comments while nudging me a bit with his elbow.

You do know I am 32 right?

“Plus, who can claim they have a mythical Pokémon part of their team? That alone would be awesome. Just think about it.” Charmander adds.

Oh, so I am just a trophy now am I? A status symbol? Something to brag about? Great, I don’t know if I should be feeling offended by this or not?

You know what, I’m going to ignore it for now in favor of not losing my mind. Even I have limits. I think to myself while pressing my lips together in defiance.

 “Hmmm, that is honestly not a bad idea.” I hear Alakazam chime, forcing me to look back at him. “It can give you something to do. Plus you can learn a thing or two about being a Pokémon” He explains.

“Being a Pokémon? What part of me being human didn’t you understand.” I argued back.

“Aw come on. Being a Pokémon isn’t half bad. You’ll get to use so many cool moves and abilities. Trust me, you’ll get used to it pretty quickly.” Squirtle adds while flashing me a confident smile.

“And what if I DON’T want to get used to it huh?” I again argue.

Alakazam sighs. “Just go with them will ya? You won't find the answers you seek if you do this alone. You’re going to need a team. Pokémon you can rely on and trust. I’m not sure how things work in the human world, but here, going out into the wilderness alone, especially with no combat skills is going to be rough, if not foolish. So please, don’t be so stubborn” He patiently explains.

I was about to open my mouth before I realized he was right. As painful as it feels to admit that. Mentally I mean. I’m not going to say that out loud to protect what little ounce of independence I have left. Not that I had much left of it to begin with, sitting my years away as the middleman of a multinational company.

Ah fuck it.

“FINE!” I exclaim while throwing my arms up. “I’ll join your team.”

“Heck yeah!” Charmander exclaims while pumping his fist with excitement.

“Yeah, welcome to Team Go-Getters!” Chikorita adds just as excitedly.

“Great…do I need to sign some papers or…?” I pause.

“Nope, that’s it. That’s exactly how these two recruited me when we first met.” Squirtle replies.

“Huh.” I react.

“Sooo…joining this “Rescue Team” business? “I ask with air quotes.” Does it involve us erupting into random fits of singing and overcoming impossible odds with the power of friendship?” I ask with a sarcastic tone.

Chiko tilts her head. “Uh…No? But working together as friends is an important element.” She replies, looking a bit confused.

I shrug. “Eh, One out of two isn’t that bad. I can work with that.” I replied.

“Oook?” Chikorita reacts” Anyway…” She began with Charmander and Squirtle quickly joining her side.

Oh no not his shit again.

“WE ARE TEAM GO-GETTERS! RESCUE TEAM EXTRAORDINAIRE! WE SAVE EM’ ALL, BIG AND SMALL! AND WE WELCOME YOU TO BE PART OF OUR TEAM! TEAM GO-GETTERS!” They all strike a pose.

"AAAAH THE CRINGE! IT HURTS!!!"

I am suddenly having second thoughts.

Chapter Text

“…and this over here is the mission board. This is where daily requests and rescue missions get posted.” Chikorita explains while I am busy catching my breath.

“Hold on…I…I need a small breather first.” I call out while hunched over. Man this sucks.

“Dude, it’s only been a 100 meters or so from here to the town square. Don’t be so dramatic.” Squirtle criticizes while crossing his arms.

“Actually…” Charmader steps up. “You acted pretty similarly when we first gave you a tour. You were even complaining for us to slow down. Do you remember that?” Charmader laughs before giving his friend a few friendly pats on his back.

“Yeah I do.” Squirtle replies while rubbing the back of his head and blushing a bit.

“Oh, be quiet you two. Try running with two stubby legs and a massive head, it isn’t easy you know.” I point out before getting back up.

“Ah leck mich.” I sigh while wiping my forehead.

“You know, you’ve been saying a lot of strange words today. Are those from a different language maybe?” Charmander asks while looking curious.

“Yeah, they are.” I replied. “But I'll tell you about it later.” I dismissed it before finally looking up at this so-called “mission board”. I would be inclined to comment on the amazing view of the ocean just in front of me if I wasn’t feeling so annoyed right now.

“Ok, let’s see here.” I announce while stepping forward to have a closer look. “Help me find my missing heirloom, Help escort this person from this location to the other and please help me rescue my cousin, and…” I pause after reading a particularly strange request. “…Help. I am stuck inside a cave and can’t get out? The fuck does that mean? How is someone able to send out a call for help in the form of a flier while currently being stuck inside a cave. Do you Pokémon’s have instant messaging in the form of carrying pigeons or am I being stupid?” I ask while turning around.

“Uh, what’s a Pigeon?” Charmander asks while scratching his head.

“You know what, that IS a pretty good question. Never thought about it.” Chikorita comments while looking at the flier herself and rubbing her chin.

I groan. “Nevermind, let’s just get on with the tour.” I wave it off.

“Actually, that’s it.” Chikorita proclaims. “The only building left to show you is the Pelipper post office which is just up the road over there.” She adds while pointing at the Pelican head shaped building further up the cliff overlooking the vast open sea. Again, I would be inclined to comment on how beautiful the view is if I cared at the moment. It’s just a big body of undrinkable water where Megaladons and Krakens terrorize its depths. Or so they say. I just want to get this over with.

“Cool. So, do we go back now?” I ask just to be sure.

“Go back?” Charmander asks while scratching his head. “We came here to pick up a job actually.” He confirms before walking up the mission’s board. “Let’s see.” He muses. He then perks up. “Ah, this one looks good.” He proclaims while swiping a contract from the missions board and then presenting it to his teammates.

They all huddle together. “What do you think?” he asks while looking at them.

“Yeah, seems simple enough for a first mission.” Chikorita confirms which has me curious.

“First mission? You mean like the first mission for the day?” I ask.

Chikorita nods. “Yeah, for the four of us.” Confirms while looking confident.

“Whe what?” I react. Shocked and confused.

“What, didn’t you hear what I said earlier?” She asks while giving me a confused look as well. One I returned or rather never lost as I have no fucking idea what she’s talking about.

“Told me what? I was too busy trying to keep up with the three of you.” I exclaim while throwing my arms up.

She sighs. “Well I was telling you earlier that we are starting with an easy mission today to teach you the robes on what it means to be on a rescue team. I mean, wasn’t that obvious the moment you agreed to join us? That you are going to help us help and rescue Pokémon’s in need?” She asks.

“No.” I quickly replied. “I joined because you and the goat face pressured me to do so. No one told me I had to actually join you three on your rescue missions. That was never part of the agreement.” I argue.

She gives me a flat look “Well, sorry but that's just how things work. If you really want us to help then first you need to learn what it means to be Pokémon.” She then pauses. “Uhm, wait a minute, can humans use moves?” She suddenly asks while looking at the blue turtle next to her.

He just shrugs.

“Moves? What moves? You mean like dance moves and stuff?” I exclaim.

Charmander shakes his head. “No more like attack moves. Here let me give you a demonstration.” He declares before suddenly stepping off the side and widening his stance for whatever reason. “Alright check this out. FLAMETHROWER!” He announces which is then immediately followed by a large jet of flames coming right out of his goddamn mouth. I stepped back a bit in surprise, both from the heat but also from the fact that this small orange lizard can spit flames of that size. I mean sure, he's going to grow up to be a big ass dragon one day.  But still…

“At least give me a warning first.” I exclaim as he finally stops.

“See!” He proclaims, ignoring my comment. “This is what a move is.” He states while pointing a claw at this mouth.

“So wait, you’re telling me that I can also spit fire?” I ask, feeling a bit bewildered.

“No silly.” Chika steps up. I really need to stop calling her that. “He was just demonstrating his ability to use Flamethrower, which is a fire type move which can typically only be learned by Fire Type Pokémon’s like Charmander. Though there are a few exceptions.” She pauses before shaking her head. “But that’s beside the point. For example, “She points at the turtle.” Squirtle over here can use Water Gun, which is a water type move while I…”She points at herself.”…can use Razor Leaf which is a Grass Type move.” She finishes while making it sound easy and simple for even an idiot to understand.

“So hold on” I hold my hands up.”From what I understand, moves are basically a fancy word for attacks and that they are based on elements. So like a Fire type move can only be performed by a fire type Pokémon, is that it?” I ask while scratching my head.

“Uhm…well yeah but also kinda no. It’s a bit complicated to explain. I am sure someone else who is a lot more knowledgeable with this kinda stuff can do a much better job explaining this. Like Alakazam or Miss Kangaskhan for example.” She says while scratching her head.

OK this is getting me nowhere.

“You know what, forget it, I'll just figure it out as I go along.” I dismissed it. I mean I used to play DnD, so how hard can it really be to understand a brand-new convoluted magic system? At this point I have seen them all. So again, how hard can it be?

Famous last words I know. But those were just thoughts not actual words. So, I should be good. I think…

Anyway, time to move on.

“So, about that mission.” I ask, trying to change the subject.

“Huh? Oh right. Uh Squirtle?” Charmander asks while looking at his blue partner.

He perks up. “Huh? Oh yeah I took it.” He responds before handing the piece of paper in question back to his fire-spitting counterpart.

He nods as he took it. “Ok. So, here’s the thing. This is a simple lost item mission. Just find the item at the given location and return it to its owner. Afterwards the mission is done and we get paid. Very simple and straightforward.” He explains with a lot of confidence behind his tone.

I nod. “ Ok, so just a simple fetch quest then. I did a lot of those during my table top days. Because they were the simplest.” I shrug. “But not all of them.” I frown.” Because I’ve also learned to not trust someone when they say “it’s going to be simple and straightforward”, like that one time I was tasked to “fetch” the phylactery of a powerful lich. That particular session was pure ass let me tell ya.” I explain, recalling that one particular adventure many years ago, where me and a couple of my old mates almost died because the new DM we had on that day turned out to be a real dumbass when it came to basic balancing because he wanted to “spice things up”. Well his “spice” almost ended our entire adventures.

What a dickhead.

Either way, Squirtle, Charmander and Chikorita were giving me confused looks while I was busy once again talking to my nonexistent audience inside my head. God, I am starting to think like Uncle Ernst and that scares me. First Alexander and now me? Fuck! I desperately need another cup when this is all done, or maybe I just drown myself in the ocean, to save myself the trouble.

Whatever I fancy first.

“So wait.” Squirtle is the first to break from his stupor. “You’re saying that you did this all before?” He asks, looking a bit surprised.

“Well if you count “pretending” then sure. But in real life? No.” I reply with a frown.

“…Ok” He replies, still confused.

“So uhm…do you want to do this mission with us or do you want something a bit more difficult?” Charmander asks after returning to his senses.

I sigh. “Sure, let’s just go on a fetch quest then.” I finally agree.

“Ok cool.” He replies with his confidence. “In that case we need to prepare a few supplies before we head out for… “He pauses.”…Mt. Steel. Hey there is a place we haven’t been to for a while. Remember when we first went to Mt. Steel?” He asks while looking at his teammates.

“Yeah, that was my first mission with you guys. Saving Pichu’s big bro Pikachu from that Skarmory. I wonder how these two are doing right now?” Squirtle wonders.

“Yeah me too. I think they moved to another town a couple of months back.” Chikorita comments.

“Either way I guess it doesn’t matter.” Charmander comments. “So we're off to Mt. Steel then.” He announces while pumping one of his fists.

“YEAH!” Both Squirtle and Chikorita cry out just as enthusiastically.

My eyes go wide. No, don’t tell me they are going too…

“WE ARE TEAM GO-GETTERS, SO LET’S GO GET TH…

“OK OK PLEASE STOP! I’LL GO ON ALL FUTURE MISSIONS WITH YOU AND EVEN CARRY ALL OF YOUR SUPPLIES IF YOU JUST STOP!” I call out, interrupting their cringe worth team mottos before another small part inside of me dies.

At this rate I might turn into a zombie if this keeps up.

“Uh, what’s his problem?” Squirtle asks while looking at Charmander next to him who just shrugs.

“Anyway, let's head over to the Kecleon brothers and see what they have in stock before we leave. The day is still young so we might find the missing item before sundown if we hurry.” Chikorita suggests before taking the lead.

“Right.” Both Squirtle and Charmander nod as they follow her. I just sigh before doing the same.

What have I gotten myself into?

..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................

“Come on dude hurry up.” Squirtle calls out while he and the others wait for me to catch up for the umpteenth time. “You're even slower than me man and that is saying something.” He adds as he crosses his arms.

“Oh shut up you.” I retort while slowly dragging myself up the path. Feeling tired, exhausted, and extremely irritated. I mean yes, I was never fit to begin with, but this? This is ridiculous. It’s as if this body isn’t built for anything physically demanding besides standing. Having to hike for this long for this far with legs this insignificantly small is nothing but an exercise of pure will, the will to keep moving and not to be bested by a fucking turtle.

Forget will, now it’s just pure spite which keeps me going.

“Ok….I’m here.” I wheeze as I stop and pause to catch my breath. “Verdammte Scheiße. I need to go on these hikes more often to build up some stamina. Or, I’ll just get myself a damn mobility scooter if those exist here.” I comment while hunched over.

“I don’t know what a Mobility scooter is but we’ve reached the base of the mountain if that makes you happy.” Chikorita states while nodding further up the road.

“Is that Mt. Steel?” I ask while looking at the large mountain ahead of us.

“Yup, it is. Will need to go through a bunch of caves if we want to reach its summit. But I doubt we’ll ever have to climb up that.” Charmander remarks.

“Oh, and how would you know that?” I ask while looking at him.

“Well…”He pulls out the mission request from seemingly out of nowhere. “…It says here this Pokémon named Zorua has lost its Heirloom somewhere within these caves while exploring them a few days prior. So all we’ll have to do is pick a cave and start searching.” He remarks before stashing the piece of paper away in the same way he pulled It out.

Into nothing.

Great, we’re tasked with fixing someone else’s dumbass mistake. Brilliant. I think to myself bitterly while shaking my head.  

I sigh. “Great. I do like to point out that I can’t see that well in the dark. So I am not going to be much of a help when it comes to finding…whatever it is we have to find.” I point out.

“That’s fine.” Chikorita replies. “Just stick close to us and you’ll be fine. Plus, we have Charmander with us who is basically a walking torch.” She happily adds before continuing.

I just nod while keeping quiet. No point to stretch this conversation out further when I know there is nothing else to gain from this. At this point I decided to just keep quiet for the rest of the trip as I continue to follow them. At the very least it didn’t take that long to finally reach one of those “caves” Charmander was mentioning earlier.

It looks dark inside. No shit. It’s the entrance of a cave which goes on for who knows how long.

Did I also mention that I am slightly claustrophobic?

“Alright, let's stick close. We don’t want to accidentally lose one another, ok? Chikorita calls while looking behind her shoulder to the three of us.

No shit. I think to myself as I enter the belly of the beast so to say, with three bloody children. This can’t go well.

The moment we entered the cave I can tell that the air in there feels fairly humid. Which I guess makes sense when looking at the stalactites hanging from the ceiling. I guess there must be a source of water somewhere above us but I am not a cave expert. Besides that, I can’t really see much, even after just a few minutes of walking. If it wasn’t for Charmander’s portable back torch I would be as blind as a bat right now. Of all the things that have changed, my poor eyesight in the dark has not.

Great. Fuck you whoever was responsible for Alice in wonderlanding me into this world. Fuck you.

“Alright everyone, stay sharp, we don’t know what else is down here with us. So stay on guard.” Charmander suddenly says while keeping his gaze forward.

“Wait, are you saying that we can get attacked down here?” I ask.

“Yeah, we could.” Charmander replies while looking over his shoulder. “A lot of wild Pokemon like to use these caves as a refuge so we have to stay vigilant in case we run into them” He explains.

“Not to mention Zubat’s. Those guys love caves and usually hang out in large swarms. So we also have to be extra quiet and not spook them.” Squirtle chimes in.

I sigh. “Well, that’s great, and here I thought this was just a simple fetch quest. If I knew that there was going to be fighting I would have asked those two chameleon brothers back at the market if they sold weapons or something. Even if I hardly have any money.” I frown.

“You mean the Kacleon brothers? If so then no, I don’t think they sell weapons. Except for blast seeds which I guess count as weapons. So, if you were thinking of those then rest assured. We do have a couple of blast seeds with us in case of emergencies. You can carry those if it makes you feel safer.” Chikorita offers.

“Sure.” I replied. “If they work exactly how I think they do then maybe…”

“Hold up!” Charmander suddenly stops. “I think I just saw something up ahead.” He exclaims before quickly taking cover behind a large stalagmite just in front of him

Me and the others swiftly follow.

“What is it?” Squirtle asks after joining him.

Barely 10 minutes in and things are already getting serious? It’s like with that one DnD fetch quest with that damn Lich in the end, but in real life rather than pretend.

“I don’t know. I just saw several shadows moving up ahead. Could be a small pack of wilds.” He replies steadfastly.

“I think I can make something out.” Squirtle calls out, quietly of course. “I…I think that’s the outline of a Zigzagoon up ahead. What do you guys think?” He then asks while looking at his two companions.

“Yeah, I think you're right.” Charamander confirms. I of course have no idea what they are talking about because I can’t see shit. Reminiscent to my poor eyesight in fucking dark. At least I can hear. When I strain myself, I think I can make out some soft yipping up ahead.

“Are they dangerous?” I finally ask while daring to take a peek.

“Depends.” Charmander whispers. “They usually hang out in packs. So, it depends on how many there are.” He replies before looking over his shoulder. “Alright, I am going to try and use a flamethrower just to scare them. If that doesn’t work, be ready for a fight, or a quick retreat if there are too many. Squirtle, Chikorita?” He asks while looking at each of his friends separately for confirmation.

They both nod. Looking quite determined and ready for action.  

“Nice, and what about you Christoph?” He asks while looking at me next.

I just gave him a strange look. “What about me? I have nothing to fight with, and I can’t run. What do you want me to do then?” I ask in frustration.

“Hold on, you should take these.” Chikorita suddenly calls as she starts fishing around in her back and pulls out a couple of seeds before presenting them to me. “These are the blast seeds I was talking about earlier. Just throw them at an enemy and watch them go boom. But please be careful. You can also set them off if you accidentally drop them. So again, be very careful when handling them. They can do a lot of damage.” She warns.

“Uhm, sure?” I react before slowly taking one of them and holding them up in front of my eyes to have a closer look at. I already find it a bit unbelievable that a seed this small has the same characteristics as a freaking hand grenade. But hey this is a fantasy world so everything is possible. “I’ll keep that in mind.” I add before taking the rest.

“Alright. Now everyone, be ready.” Charmander calls out before taking a deep breath. “FLAMETHROWER!” He then shouts followed by a large gust of flames erupting from his maw. The entire cave gets illuminated, including the aforementioned Ziggies which reveal themselves to be 6 or 7 of them. They immediately start to scurry around in a panic. Which is a good thing…I guess, because that means I probably don’t have to fight them.

Though one of them looks to be more confused than scared and is actually running towards…

“HEY CHRISTOPH WATCH OUT!”

I don’t even get the time to react as this brown ferret looking thing suddenly runs into me. Forcing the air out of me as we both slide backwards along the ground.

“OH NO THE BLAST SEEDS!” Is the only thing I manage to catch before a set of loud explosions suddenly ring through my ears. After that, just silence as I think my eardrums just popped as the ground suddenly started to shake all around me. I only just managed to catch both Charmander and Squirtle rush over to me before my vision quickly gets clouded by a wall of soot and dust.

At least I get to die while also getting entombed for free.

What else can a man ask for?

Chapter Text

“Christoph”…

“Christoph”…

“CHRISTOPH!“

My eyes immediately shot open, followed by a heavy dose of coughing and spitting.

“Verdammt.” I called out. “Why is there dirt inside my mouth? *bleh* What the fuck happened?” I ask while looking around. Still in this damn cave I see.

Chikorita sighs. “Well, you got knocked out from the explosion. Thankfully we were able to pull you to safety just in time before you could have been crushed by the rubble.” She explains.

I look at her bewildered. “Crushed? What do you mean by that?” I ask.

“Look for yourself.” Charmander instead replies while pointing a claw behind me. I follow her gaze, only to be met with an imposing wall of rocks and rubble. I stare at it for a couple more seconds before turning back to Charmander with one question in mind.

“How the hell did that happen?” I ask in shock.

“It was those Blast Seeds you were holding. ” He replied. “You lost your grip on them when that Zigzagoon from earlier ran into you. They flew backwards against a wall and triggered them. Creating a huge explosion and causing the wall and the ceiling above it to collapse.” He recalls with a frown.

“Well shit...” I react. “So does this mean we're stuck here?” I ask.

He shook his head. “Thankfully no. There are a few more tunnels that can lead us back to the outside. We just need to…find them of course.” He states, sounding a bit unsure at the end which didn’t give me a lot of confidence.

But I let it go and I just frowned as a result. “Cool, so now what?” I ask

“Well, do you feel well enough to get up? That was a pretty strong explosion after all.” Chikorita asks, looking all concerned.

“I feel fine.” I wave her off. “I survived Karens. An explosion to the face feels like getting hit with a snowball in comparison. I’ll manage.” I played it off as I tried to push myself up.

“Are you sure?” Chikorita once again asks.

“Positive.” I reply while dusting myself off.

“If you say so.” Charmander comments while crossing his arms. “Anyway, in that case let's keep moving then.” He adds before leading the way.

“Hold on.” I quickly caught up with him. “What about those Ferrets from earlier?” I ask.

“You mean those Zigzagoons?” Squirtle this time answers. “They all ran away after the explosion. So I guess losing all of those blast seeds wasn’t a total waste. They at least did their job.” He comments.

“Yeah, like blocking one of the exits.” I frown.

“At least now you know how both effective and sensitive those seeds can be, and that goes for all of them. Like stun seeds for example. I had to learn that lesson the hard way.” Squirtle explains before rubbing the back of his neck.

“Let me guess, you dropped them by accident and then just stood there paralyzed for who knows how long?” I guessed.

“Actually, he was paralyzed for an hour if you want to know. At the center of town, no less.” Charmander chuckles.

“Yeah, yeah laugh it off...I was still new to the whole ‘being a rescue team thing’ back then so give me a break…” Squirtle sneered before looking away.

“Hey you brought it up.” Charmander points out. I can tell he is stifling a chuckle as we continue to move through these caves.

I decided to keep quiet for now and focus more on our surroundings. I may not be able to see much past Charmander’s tail, but these Stalactites and Stalagmites do look somewhat majestic. It would be a novelty to explore these caves if the situation was a bit different. Like me being still on earth and not being a midget with a big ass head for example. But you can’t have it all, now, can you? Something I learned fairly early in my life when Santa didn’t give me that brand new PS2 on Christmas, and the fact that Santa doesn’t exist either.

Life is full of disappointments.

“Whoa!” Squirtle suddenly reacts which brought me out of my train of thought.

I blink. All I can see around us is a big black void of nothing. How long have I been moving on autopilot? Either we somehow manage to walk ourselves into outer space or we enter a massive underground cavern. For the sake of not being too ridiculous I lean on the latter.

“I don’t think we’ve ever entered this part of Mt. Steel. Look at the size of this cave.” Squirtle states in awe.

“Yeah, I never knew something as big as this was hiding underneath this mountain. This is crazy. I mean I can barely even see the ceiling from down here. It’s that massive.” Charmander comments, sounding equally as amazed as his shellback partner.

“I…” I pause when I suddenly notice something out of the corner of my eye. A soft glint in the distance. Almost a miracle on its own given the fact that I -once again- don’t have the best eyesight when it comes to dark places.

“Hey, what's that over there?” I point at a small glint off in the distance.

All three follow my gaze and immediately look just as perplexed as I am. “I don’t know.” Squirtle comments while squinting.

“Hey it could be that lost heirloom. The one we are tasked to find.” Chikorita calls out.

I perk up. “Hold on. This means we are done then, correct? That we can have leave?” I ask. “That’s perfect!” I then exclaim before quickly walking towards it.

“Hey wait!” I hear Chikorita call out.

I stopped. “What? It's right there. What’s the problem?” I ask. “Let me just grab it so that we can…” I was about to pick it up before something suddenly fell on top of me.

“Wha-what the hell?” I shout while flinching back while falling onto my ass.

“CHRISTOPH!” I hear the three react.

“Ha Ha, finally.” Someone suddenly laughs. “Some low-level team has finally taken the bait and now…” The voice pauses as the area around us suddenly lights up, revealing half dozen lanterns floating in the air and a Fox looking thing with a big ass head and a tiny body perched on top of rock.

At least that tuff around its neck makes it look bigger than it actually is, but I am getting off track. We're surrounded, that's what’s important. Much to the shock of Charmander and the others.

“…now the real fun can begin.”

Charmander, Chikorita and Squirtle immediately take defensive positions as they ready themselves for a fight.

I, on the other hand, quickly noticed two things. For one. I'm trapped inside a makeshift cage now that I can bloody see, and not a very good one. This thing seems to be hastily put together with ropes and sticks, which look flimsy at first glance, flimsy enough even for a child to break through them. Which is exactly what I might do. AFTER I finish telling my “non-existent audience” (God I need to stop this) the SECOND thing I noticed. The lanterns have fucking eyes, which means that those are probably another species of Pokémon.

Which is great. Again, for two things.

For one. That just automatically removes the spooky factor I was feeling just a moment ago at the sight of them. Ghostly-looking lanterns with blue flames. Yeah, for a second there I thought we were dealing with actual ghosts, but now, now I don’t care anymore. More fucking Pokémon to keep track off.

Which leads me to reason number two. Apparently inanimate objects like lanterns can also be Pokémon’s, which certainly won’t cause confusions in the future. Not at all. I mean earlier today I saw a pair of floating balls with magnets and screws attached to them which are also Pokémon.

I think Squirtle called them Magnemite’s or something? Either way doesn’t matter. I mean what’s next, a Pokémon that looks like someone’s house keys, or how about a fucking car engine? At this point everything is possible. Like a Pokémon that’s literally a pile of trash. But I think I am just being ridiculous at this point.

 Where was I? Oh yeah, we're surrounded and I’m still trapped. Which means I first need to get out of this cage and then do something I guess. Speaking of something…

“Hrrmph….hrrmmmmmph…verdammt” I curse. “These arms are bloody useless. I can’t even reach through some fucking twigs." I tried to break one of the twigs and grumble in frustration. "This is ridiculous. Can't even break a twig!” I complain before hitting my head in frustration.

“Hold on…” I pause, hitting my head a couple more times. “Is my head…made of metal?” I ask no one in particular.

*Clang*

*Clang*

“Sounds like metal. Which explains a few things. But still, it makes me wonder how…” I quickly stop myself. “Focus. If my arms aren’t strong enough then maybe…”I pause as I suddenly remember something Albert once told me.

Think before you open your mouth Christoph. Use your head. I recall in regards to my well known reputation of having a very foul mouth whenever I get frustrated. Cursing like a sailor is not important. What is important is the second bit.

Use your head.

And that is exactly what I am planning to do. To use my head. Literally . Just like you always wanted me to.

“Alright GET EM!” I hear the fox call out, which was my queue to crouch down and to ram the inside of my prison with my big ass head. With tremendous success even. Maybe a bit too tremendous as I felt almost no resistance as I just flew through it. Tumbling forward as a result before crashing head first against the rock on which the aforementioned fox is standing on.

“Hey what are you…WoawoaWAAAA!” He screams before an audible “oof” escapes his muzzle alongside a loud thud.

I guess my head is hard enough to even knock someone off a freaking boulder, and to also pierce it, I guess. Good to know.

“Christoph! Are you ok?” I hear Charmander ask with concern.

I take my time to first pull myself free from the boulder before turning around and addressing him properly.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine.” I reply while shaking my head. At least those Lantern guys have the courtesy to halt their advance while their leader is still out of commission. How polite. And speaking of leaders, I now have the perfect opportunity to get a more detailed look at the guy while he's still busy rubbing his big ass head, and big indeed it is, at least in comparison to the rest of his body. Even his limbs look comically small and thin, ending as rounded tips where his paws should be. I seriously question the anatomy of certain Pokémon species and how the hell they function, but then again, we are talking about a species which includes floating balls with magnets and lanterns with bloody eyes.

I should seriously stop asking questions.

“Yo-you!” The little Fox exclaims once he looks at me for the first time. “If you think you can knock me out this easily then you have another thing coming!” He declares before quickly jumping back up on all fours and taking an aggressive stance.

I frown. “Hey you were the one who dropped a cage on top of me, allegedly, you little runt. So, I should be the one to be pissed off, not you.” I argue while pointing a finger at him.

“Uh…”one of the lanterns shakily points an arm at me. Wait, they can move those? “Is…isn’t that Ji-Jirachi? The my-mythical Pokémon of wishes?” The guy stutters. This made everyone turn their attention to me as they all started. One even shouts.

“OH DEAR ARCEUS! NO ONE TOLD US WE WERE ROBBING A MYTHICAL!!” One of them screams in horror.

“Calm down.” The fox calls as he looks at his comrades. “Just tackle the Chikorita and grab her bag. Then I will make a break for it.” He orders while specifically pointing at the supply bag she is carrying.

One of the Lanterns took this order to heart (does it even have one?) and immediately charged Chikorita who wasn’t even prepared for this one to be so bold.

“Not on my watch!” Squirtle declares before swiftly moving in front of her. “WATERGUN!” He declares before shooting a jet of water from his mouth and pushing them back. Sending them back into the shadows from where it came.

At that point the gloves were off as all hell broke loose.

“I’ll grab it!” Another one of the Lanterns boldly calls out as they try their luck.

“Stay back!” Charmander shouts. “FLAMETHROWER!” He declares as the poor lad gets burned alive for his boldness.

A third and fourth one now try their chances, charging Chikorita from two different directions while Charmander and Squirtle are still busy dealing with their own shit. Guess that means it’s my turn now?

“Oh no you don’t! RAZOR LEAF!” Chikorita declares before sending out a couple of leaves to one of her attackers which somehow did the trick in stopping their charge. You know with fucking LEAVES! But that still left the other one unimpeded in its effort who is now just mere moments away from grabbing the bag.

“Oh, for FUCKS SAKE!” I call out as I reluctantly made the choice to join the fry by making myself useful as a living battering ram. And so, I did, charging headfirst into the scuffle with zero regards to my own safety as I suddenly started to gain a lot of speed out of freaking nowhere. Like, a lot of. So much so that I even lost conduct with the ground beneath my feet as some unseen force is propelling forward like a screaming bullet. Quite literally in fact.

“Holy SHIIIIIIIIT” I scream before slamming head first against my target. Hell, I think I’m even going even faster now while taking them with me for an air ride before slamming them against a wall at mach speed. Either this dude is dead or at least close to it with how the impact felt and sounded.

Holy SHIT!! What the FUCK just happened!? I ask myself once I had the mindset to do so before sliding off the wall and hitting the ground. Face first of course, but I am far too shocked and confused to really care at the moment. Like seriously, what the hell happened? The guy didn’t even give off a groan after I slammed them against the cave wall at mach speeds. Did I accidentally kill them? Did I commit my first murder in this world? I don’t know because I can’t fucking see. I’m now nowhere near the group anymore which means its fucking dark around me, and the flames on the Lantern guy I just turned into a wall ornament are also out. So does it mean they're dead?

“Oooww…” I hear them quietly wail.

I guess not. I think to myself with a sense of relief. I may like to call out threats about killing someone from time to time, especially if this someone really pisses me off, but that is all, just threats. I don’t think I am quite ready to live with the burden of killing a sentient being. Even if the one in question is a fucking street lamp with eyes. Even in self-defense.

But I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

“Hey Christoph!” I hear Chikoritas voice call out. “Where are you?”

“Over here!” I call back while facing the group off in the distance. “Are you guys doing alright over there?” I ask.

“Yeah.” She calls back. “We're doing fine. I think the battle is over.” She adds.

“Cool!” I also called back. “Can you guys maybe come over here, or maybe just Charmander? It's pitch black over here.” I add.

“Sure thing, we're on our way!” Charmander calls back.

They quickly made their way over to me while I took the time to try and find the guy I just pancaked against the cave wall. Once Charmander's tail flame illuminated the area around me I could finally spot the poor guy still stuck inside the rock wall above me. Like literally. Their entire body is wedged directly into the rock. The fact that I somehow walked away from this without even a scratch perplexes me. I doubt my human body would have survived this, which means, for once I am glad that I am NOT in my old body right now.

But still, what the hell happened?

“Whoa.” Squirtle reacts as he looks up. “How did you do that?” He asks.

“Yeah, that’s what I want to know.” I reply

“Hmmm.” Chikorita looks thoughtful. “It could have been Zen Headbutt. Your body did give off a pink glow before you tackled that Lampent.” She states while tapping her chin.

“I was glowing?” I react before looking down at my torso.

“Hey that’s GREAT!” Charmander exclaims. “You finally learned your first move, and a pretty cool one at that!” He applauds.

“So how does it feel?” Squirtle then asks.

“What do you mean?” I ask while looking at him.

“You know, performing your first move. Pretty cool huh?”

“Cool?” I exclaim. “I don’t even know what happened or how I did that. It just…happened.” I pause before looking down at the ground. Feeling a bit disturbed and maybe even a bit terrified.

“Ah don’t worry about it. I’m sure It’ll come back to you once the situation calls for it!” He replies with an air of confidence.

“Yeah, sure whatever.” I dismiss before pausing. “Wait, what about the other…Lampent...was it?” I ask while looking at Chikorita for confirmation. She nodded. “Alright, what about the others? From what I remember you only managed to knock out three with me making it four. There were at least ten or more of them if I counted correctly. What happened to them? Did you manage to defeat them all that quickly?” I wondered.

“Well…” Charmander began. “Not really, the rest quickly fled the moment you zipped past us. They weren’t really good fighters. I mean heck, both me and Squirtle managed to knock two of them out with just a single hit attack which usually doesn’t happen that often, while Chikorita scared hers away. Overall, it was a pretty easy battle, all things considered.” He shrugs.

“And what about the Fox?” I again point out.

“You mean the Zorua?” Charmander asks which earned him a simple nod from yours truly. I think he meant the fox, right?

“Uh…” He suddenly pauses, looking confused. “Hey, have any of you seen him? I thought either you or Chikorita took care of him.” He asks while looking at the two friends.

“Nope,” Squirtle shrugs.

“Not me” Chikorita was next, shaking her head.

“I mean he’s a Zorua so he could be anywhere at this point.” Charmander comments.

“What do you mean?” I ask while looking at him.

“His species has the ability to disguise themselves as another Pokémon, or so I heard.  So, finding him will be difficult.” He explains.

I just sigh. “Anyway, I guess this is it then. So should we just go back or…”

Chikorita nods. “Yeah, where done here I think. I mean who would have guessed that this mission was just a trap to lure in unsuspecting rescue teams. We gotta report this to Officer Magnezone when we get back.” She states before turning to her two friends. “So, let’s go home.” She adds.

“Yeah, let's wrap it up.” Charmander nods before taking the lead.

“Hold one, what about this guy?” I ask while pointing at the “Lampent” still stuck in the wall.”

Charmander stops and thinks. “Well, we could try and get them down from there. Plus, they could maybe tell us what their plan was and why they were working with a Zorua of all Pokémon’s” He recommends.

“Yeah, but how do we get them down?” Squirtle asks while looking up and scratching his head.

“We just hit the wall underneath them and hope the vibration would be enough to knock them loose?” I guess before bumping my fist against the cave wall to demonstrate, only for the guy in question to suddenly come crashing down next to me, almost making me jump.

“See, just like that.” I state after quickly regaining composure and pretending this was all on purpose.

“Hey neat.” Charmander comments. “Now we just need to carry them back and hopefully get some information out of them.” He says.

“Leave that to me.” I point to myself. “I know how to make people talk.” I state with confidence. Once more calling back to my time as an HR worker which wasn’t that long ago so I don’t know why I make it sound like it was.

Also, who am I talking to?

“Alright.” Charmander just nods. “Come on, let's carry them back with us then. Squirtle you're helping?” He asks while looking at the turtle.

“Sure, no problem.” He agrees before taking their head while Charmander holds onto their arms. I am not sure why Chikorita doesn’t just carry them. I mean she is a quadruped so she should be perfect for this. But alas, I just let them be because the only thing I care about is being able to fucking SEE again properly. Also to not feel claustrophobic anymore. Yeah, did I also mention that I am mildly claustrophobic? Which is why I always prefer to use stairs instead of the elevator. Even if my office is on the 20 th floor.

Yeah fuck me right?

Anyway with the gang of sentient lampposts vanquished and a shapeshifting Fox still on the loose, we finally make our way out of this cave and back towards town. The only problem is that one of the pathways is blocked so we had to take a longer detour just to see some fucking light again, which ended up being the very Sumit of Mt. Steel, which, I still have no bloody idea how that worked but I never bothered to complain.

What DID make me complain is the fact that a narrow pathway up the mountain does exist. Granted it's on the opposite side of the mountain. But still it would have saved us a lot of time spelunking through the dark and not given me a near death experience.

I need another cup of coffee when we get back.

Chapter Text

“Come on…pfffff YES! Dear god, finally. “I sigh as I finally plop my ass down on this damn chair after struggling for like a minute or two to just climb up on it. Granted, half a dozen Pokemon were staring at me as I struggled. But I don’t care. All I want is to sit down and give me aching legs the rest they deserve. Oh, and also to get a cup of coffee of course.

“You know, we have step ladders for smaller Pokémon like you.” Someone suddenly comments.

“Who are you calling sma…oh it’s you again.” I pause after realizing it's that cat woman from before. Meowstic or whatever her name was.

“Well, it’s nice to see you too.” She replies sarcastically while crossing her arms, frowning. “Are you going to pay this time or do I have to tell you to leave? Both me and Spinda don’t do freebies, you know.” She states.

“Yeah, don’t worry.” I reached for a small pouch I was holding. “I got some spare change this time.” I reply before pouring out a few gold coins on the table.

In case anyone asks, yes, I had to borrow this from Charmander before we went our separate ways. He was quick to point out that since I am now part of their team, I now have access to their funds as well. Which is stupid. It still feels like borrowing to me which I hate. Especially when I, an adult, have to ask kids for money. This hurts my pride like you wouldn’t believe. Which means I need to get a job. Somehow. Can I even get a job? I’m already part of this rescue shit so am I allowed to do a side hustle? I need to ask someone about this when I get the chance. But now it’s coffee time.

“Can I get a simple cup of coffee? Black, with no milk or Sugar?” I ordered.

“Sure.” She nods before taking a couple of coins off the table. “I’ll be back in a minute.” She replies before heading back inside her shop. Or their shop I don’t know. This place is simply called Pokémon Square Café so who knows.

“Uhm…excuse me.” Something suddenly starts poking me on my right thigh. Well, where it should be at least. "I-is it true that you can grant wishes mister?” The same voice asks which forces me to look. All I see is an orange teddy bear staring up at me with big wondrous eyes alongside his two friends. A black and yellow looking rodent with red colored cheeks and a…blue thing with two round ears and a large blue ball attached at the tip of its tail. An odd bunch but looking at their size and the sheer childlike wonder reflecting on their eyes I would guess -and I know this sounds crazy- that these are in fact children.

Mind blowing, I know.

“Uh what?” I ask while raising an eyebrow.

He blinks. “Uhm, I asked if you can grant wishes mister?” The little bear repeats himself.

Oh, it’s this again. I hope this won’t be a common occurrence. I sigh. “No, no I cannot.” I replied swiftly.

“Oh…” The little guy reacts. Looking a bit disappointed. “But…mommy said.”

“Teddiursa what are you doing?” A huge ass bear suddenly comes walking towards us. It totally didn’t trigger my fight or flight response when I saw her stomping over to us. No sir. I was totally not grabbing one of the menus to defend myself with. Don’t underestimate the lethality of a papercut. Especially once the wound gets infected.

“I was looking for you. Why did you and your friends run off like that?” She asks in a soft motherly voice which I totally didn’t expect from a bear of her size. At least it puts my fight and flight reflexes to rest. Lowering the menu.

“But Mom.” The mini version of her whines. “Me and my friends just wanted to ask if we could get our wishes granted. You said that this mon can grant wishes.” He explains while pointing a claw at me.

“Grant wishes? What do you…” She pauses as she looks at me for the very first time. She looks shocked.

“Oh, dear Arceus.” She swore…I think. Must be their version of saying “oh my god” or whatever. “Your…Jirachi.” She exclaims. “The same one from that story book I read to him.” She states, probably referring to her kid.

Ok now it’s getting annoying.

“M-mam please.” I Start while holding my hands up. “This is a huge misunderstanding. I am not the same person you’ve read about in these books. I’m not the same Jirachi. So I can’t grant any wishes. Hell I can’t even grant my own wishes for Christ’s sake. Instead, I am forced to work from 9 to 5 and pay a third of my income as taxes like everybody else. So I’m nothing special.” I point out.

“But…” She pauses. “You look just like them.” She repeats, looking at me confused.

“Here is your coffee.” The cat woman then returns with my coffee in between her paws.

“Oh, hey miss Ursaring. Lovely afternoon, isn’t it? Would you like some coffee as well? We’ve got plenty of tables still unoccupied.” She smiles while greeting the big bear while placing the coffee on the table in front of me.

“Oh no, no, no.” She shakes her head. “I was just looking for my son after he and his friends just randomly ran off while I was busy doing my usual shopping runs.” She then looks at me.” Only to find them next to Jirachi of all mons.” She exclaims while still looking quite astonished. And…and here I thought meeting a mythical was supposed to be a lot harder than…just…finding them sitting in front of a Café. Maybe those books and stories were just embellishing how rare they really are. But I don’t know.” She mumbled that last part out while looking quite unsure.

The cat chuckles. “Well, I guess you can say even Pokemon’s as rare as him do need a little pick me up once in a while. I mean they don’t call Coffee the nectar of the gods for nothing.” She laughs.

“Exactly.” I agree before grabbing the cup with both hands because my fingers are a bit too small to properly hold it with just one.

“Well, I guess that makes sense.” The bear mutters before looking back down at her three little munchkins. “Well, let’s just go, oh and I am so so sorry if my son and his two friends were bothering you.” She presses her front claw together while bowing.

I look at her with a weird expression. “Uh…ok? No problem. I mean, they're just kids after all, right? Always curious and always asking questions. So, there is nothing to apologize for.” I reassured her even though deep down I am feeling a bit awkward.

I preferred it when she looked threatening just a moment ago. THAT at least I can process. I mean I used to deal with a lot of angry co-workers and customers back at the company. So maybe I am just no longer used to the idea of someone being sincere at their apology.

Especially when coming from a fucking bear.

Has my time at H.R really affected me this badly? God, I hope not. Cause I don’t wanna go through some shitty character arc that has become the staple of modern media.

I was always a bit of a dickhead, even before I graduated from college. My old classmates who I no longer have contact with can confirm that. Ok, now I feel better. Good job me. I mentally pat myself on my back as I watch the bear and those three kids leave quietly without saying anything else. Maybe they did but I was once again too distracted with my own internal monologues to have noticed that.

VERDAMMT! Why am I like this now? I never had this issue before. I just-FUCK I did it again! OK STOP!

I quickly pick up my coffee to take a big sip, only for me to gag because it’s still hot.

“FUCK! IT'S HOT!” I curse while almost dropping the cup.

“Yeah it's coffee, it’s supposed to be hot.” The cat points out with a frown.

“Verflixt noch mal. Why are you still here? Don’t you have other customers to serve? I retort while breathing through my mouth in an attempt to cool it down.

She rolls her eyes. “You know for a mythical you have a very nasty attitude sometimes.” She scoffs.

“I’m not a mythical. I think I already made it clear the last time we met. I am a Human for crying out loud.” I argue.

“I know, so are all Humans like you then?” She asks with a frown.

“No, I…” I Pause. “Look I am still frustrated, ok? I am still trying to process all of this. Being stuck in an alien world inside an alien body! I preferred it when my life was formulaic and boring, just being your average cog in a machine that is capitalism!” I rant while getting more pissed off by the second. Something I guess she can tell because her frown quickly disappeared.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down.” She holds her paws out in front of her while looking over my shoulder. “I don’t think anyone is paying attention.” She mutters before returning her attention back to me.

She sighs. “Look. I won’t pretend to understand what you are going through alright? But…you’re not making life easier for yourself if you constantly complain. There are a lot of good mon’s out there who can help you. You just need to ask. I mean heck, you already got Team Go-Getters to help you out.” She points out like it means something.

“You mean the three kids?” I scoff with a frown.

“Yeah, the three kids. Don’t underestimate them though. They managed to beat the three legendary birds all by themselves and even bested Rayquaza. So don’t let their age fool you. She explains while sounding quite serious.

“I’ll just pretend I know what those are and leave it at that. Either way, besides that I never said that they were bad or incapable of looking after themselves, because, unless everyone I’ve talked to was either high or lying to me then all those praises I hear from when talking about them has to mean something, right? I mean you don’t exactly rise up to be the town's hero doing nothing.” I explain while leaning back against my chair.

“Then why do you keep referring to them as nothing but kids?” She asks.

“Because I'm a prideful dickhead, that’s why. I used to work at H.R at a local Company, and at that time I came across some of the most insufferable human beings in the universe and it was my job to hear them out. Every day, for 8 fucking hours.” I hissed.

“I see…” She mumbles before looking thoughtful. “I mean I have come across at least a handful of mon’s who were really difficult to deal with. So, I can only imagine what that’s like, having to interact with such people on a daily basis.” She comments while probably trying to picture it herself and failing miserably most likely.

She suddenly perks up. “Say, where are Team Go-Getters by the way? Aren’t you supposed to be with them?” She suddenly changes the subject. Which at first confuses me.

I quickly decided to play along. “They’re currently handing one of those Lampent we brought with us to some guy called “Officer Magnezone” and to report what happened to us at Mt Steel.” I answered.

“Why, what happened?” She asks.

“Well…” I began trying to recall what happened earlier today and just decided to go with the TLDR version because I can’t be bothered. “The mission we picked up this morning turned out to be just a phishing scam. We got ambushed by a gang of Lampents and a fox thing called a Zorua who then tried to rob us. Which, obviously didn’t work and we even managed to bring one of them with us for questioning. So that’s what happened.” I explain before leaning forward against the table and resting my head against my hands. Just changing my position because sitting still for too long can be tiring.

Again, I should know because it was part of my job.

She nods. “I see.” Doesn’t she have other customers to serve or something? Why is she still here? “That was quite bold of them. I heard similar stories just yesterday. Well, not specifically the one you mentioned but I heard one of the guests mention that there is a sudden uptick of attempted robberies along well travelled roads. I could be related but who knows.” She mutters, once more lost in her own thoughts.

Ok I gotta ask. “Don’t you have other guests to serve? I mean you’ve been standing there next to me for at least a couple of minutes.” I point out.

She blinks before looking back at me with yet another frown. “Why? Am I that annoying to you?” She looks quite displeased while crossing her arms.

“No I’m just…wonder why you are giving me so much time when so far all I did was just rant and complain. I should be the annoying one.” I exclaim while pointing a finger at myself.

She just shakes her head. “Why do I even bother?” She sighs before dropping her arms and finally making an attempt to leave. Though she quickly pauses. “You know, I just wanted to talk to you. Help to ease your situation and get your mind off things. But you're clearly too emotionally unstable for that. Just call for Spinda or me if you want to order something else. Other than that I wish you a good evening.” She states before finally walking off for good.

I frown while looking down at my half empty cup of coffee. Now I just feel like a total ass, the complete opposite of what I wanted to achieve when I came here. Instead, I behaved like one of those insufferable coworkers and customers I mentioned earlier.

Karma is a bitch sometimes.

But maybe she is right. Maybe I need to just lighten up and pull that stick out of my ass. I took my cup and took another -this time more careful- sip of my coffee savoring the hard bitter taste of pure unsweetened coffee.

It no longer tastes good and I feel like shit.

Chapter Text

“You know what…maybe she was right…as painful as it is to admit that…” I mumble to myself as I slowly drag myself back to Team Go-Getters home to clock out for the night. Because running or even walking with these legs at a nice brisk paste is still exhausting.

Also, because I feel like crap. I can’t believe it. Have I really fallen this far? Am I really that much of an emotional mess? Have I lost control? Granted I have always been somewhat of a dick, since High School in fact, which did grant me with a lot of favors. In fact, it did get me into a lot of trouble, but it also hardened me to all the bullshit life started to throw at me once I got out of college.

I view it as early emotional training to the gauntlet that is life within the 21 st century. So, I don’t regret it one bit. Though at the same time I can’t really recommend it to anyone because being a bitter sarcastic turd doesn’t reward you with a lot of friends. Again, not my problem, but I also know now that, right now, this mindset of mine it’s doing me any favors. Let alone help me.

Maybe I should just let go of my pride just a little bit and accept the fact that I need help. Maybe even having a bit of fun while it lasts? I mean how many people can brag about the fact that they suddenly woke up in a completely different world, without drugs or alcohol. Not many, so why not capitalize on it? Plus, after years of slaving away at my job I think I do deserve a bit of R&R. Even if it involves some “rescue” work or whatever. As long as it no longer leads me into dark dank caves.

But first… 

I gaze up at the Team Go-Getters home…I think. Because yesterday I was all by myself when I came back here to clock out for the night. I even had to scrounge up some leaves to form a makeshift bed for me to sleep on. It wasn’t comfortable, but leagues better when I had to spend a couple of nights at the office.

Try falling asleep on some cardboard cutouts. It sucks, that’s all I can say.

Either way I found it a bit bizarre that neither the turtle, nor the bean or the fire breathing gecko showed up last night. No matter, I am perfectly fine with having a place all by myself because it does afford me some peace and quiet. Unlike back home where I had to share a house with three of my cousins. But that is a story for another time.

I sigh. “I guess it’s back to sleeping on leaves. God, I wish I had a…”

“Hey look, he's over there!” I pause as I suddenly hear Charmander’s voice coming from behind me.

I turn around. “Hey there you are! We’ve been looking all over for you man! Where have you been?” He asks as he and his two friends finally catch up with me.

“Uh…at the café? Like I told you an hour ago?” I replied. Slightly confused.

“No, I meant after that.” He clarifies. “We asked Miss Meowstic where you went and she told us that you walked back to our place, but you weren’t there either.” He adds.

“But…”I start by pointing at the building behind me. “…this is your place…right?” I ask, confused.

“Uhm…no.” Chikorita tilts her head. “That’s just our Team base. Our house is further down the road. Near the coast in fact.” She replies.

I pause before shouting. “FUCK!” Which made all three of them flinch. “I knew it!” I exclaim, mostly to myself then those three kids who are staring at me.

“Wait…did you actually spend the night here yesterday? Dude, I knew we should have checked here first. But instead, we spend at least an hour trying to find him. We even went down to the beach just to look for him!” Charmander exclaims while looking at his two companions.

“You know you could have just told me from the very start that THIS... “I point at the building behind me. “…Isn’t your house. That alone would have alleviated a lot of confusion.” I point out. 

“Well, maybe. But you could have also asked.” Chikorita replies.

I just sigh. “Well, whatever.” I cross my arms. “So…where do you guys live then?” I ask.

“Just further down the road.” Charmander points out. “Come on, let me show you.” He gestures before taking the lead followed by Squirtle and Chikorita with me taking the rear, as usual. We walked in relative silence. That is until Squirtle suddenly decided to slow down so that he could walk next to me.

“So uhm…how do you like it so far?” He then asks.

“Like what?” I ask to clarify. Looking up at him.

He looks off to the side. “You know? Being a Pokémon and what not?” He clarifies while rubbing the back of his head. 

I pause. Taking a few moments to think. “Weird, kinda shit maybe? Takes some getting used to at the VERY least. Why are you asking though?” I ask back while raising an eyebrow.

“J-just curious that’s all. I just wanted to compare my experience with yours. The time when I first woke up as a Pokémon. If that makes sense I mean.” He clarifies while looking down at the ground as we continue to walk.

“Save those questions for later Squirtle!” Charmander suddenly calls out. ”Because we're here!” He exclaims, forcing me to look up. “There it is. Our house.” He stops as he happily presents a pretty standard-looking abode building along the side of the road just a few hundred meters away from us. It is dome-shaped, just like the majority of homes back at the Town. With Beige colored walls and green highlights painted along its base and top. Overall it looked fairly simplistic, minus the small front yard it has and the fact that it's built right next to the cliff edge, which is overlooking the sea. There is even a small path going around their house which I would guess leads down to the beach maybe. Along the cliff side perhaps.

Overall, not a bad spot to build a house. Though personally I would have preferred it to be closer to the town itself. But this isn’t my house so I don’t know why I am complaining. I bet this place gets super windy whenever there is a storm. There are a couple of trees nearby but I doubt those will do diddly squat when the sea decides to “blow”. Emphasis on the blow part because wind blows and not…wait why am I explaining this to myself? No one is listening but myself. Plus, I’ll make myself look like a damn statue whenever I monologue for no apparent reason.

STOP! You’re becoming like Uncle Ernst.

I quickly blink before shaking my head before rubbing my temples.

“Hey you alright?” Squirtle asks next to me, Sounding a bit concerned.

“What? Yeah, yeah, I am fine. I am just having a small headache, that's all.” I lied.

“Well anyway, come on then. Let me show you the inside of our house. We did a lot of cool upgrades over these past few months to it which I am sure you are going to like.” Charmander states as he gestures for me to follow him.

“So, do you three really live here by yourself or do you have any neighbors nearby?” I ask as we follow the orange lizard.

“We do actually. Absol lives nearby and so do Caterpie and his mom. There are also the two Team Meanie members Medicham and Ekans who also live out here. But they keep mostly to themselves and we rarely see them. Which is a bit of a shame but what can you do?” Chikorita replies as we pass through their front lawn.

I’ll just pretend I know who these people are as Charmander opens the door for us.

“Ta-da!” Charmander exclaims. “Welcome to our home!” He presents as I step inside.

“Huh.” I hummed as I entered their home for the very first time.

Its interior reminds me of a log cabin in terms of its looks. Wooden floors, wooden furniture, a whole bunch of nicknacks, doodads to make this place feel really lived in, and even a cozy little fireplace off to my right, not to mention the wooden loft on the other side of this room where the beds are, probably.

Overall, it’s pretty cozy. Not too small and not too large, at least for someone of my size. They even have a big ol’ rug in the middle of the room. Hmmm, I wouldn’t mind sleeping on top of that if I had to. Beats sleeping on a pile of old leaves that’s for sure.

I nod to myself. “I have to admit, this place looks fairly cozy.” I comment as I step in further to look around some more.

No Television though.

“So that means you like our place?” Charmander asks. I just nod. “Sweet.” He smiles.

“So…quick question?” I turn to face him. “Where can I crash for the night then? Do you guys have a couch I can occupy or…” I look around for said couch in hopes I might have missed it somehow. Sadly, I didn’t.

“Huh? Oh no, no, you can sleep alongside us up there.” Charmander replies while pointing up at the loft behind me.

“The loft? Is that where the beds are?” I ask despite already knowing the answer. Force of habit.

“Yup.” Squirtle confirms. “Oh wait, that just reminds me.” He turns back to his friends. “We still need to make a bed for him then.” He states.

“Do we still have enough hay though?” Charmander responds which has me confused.

Wait. hay?

Chikorita nods. “I think we do. Hey Squirtle can you quickly go around back and see if we have enough hay back at the shed?” She asks the turtle.

“Sure thing.” He salutes before promptly running back outside.

“So, wait. You guys sleep on fucking hay?” I ask, genuinely surprised that despite of having all of this fancy shit, and an actual HOUSE, they just sleep on a pile of fucking hay.

I thought these critters were civilized?

“Uh, yeah. I mean, what else is there?” Charmander replies, acting genuinely confused at my questions.

I retract my statement. I live among uncivilized savages. Barbarians even.

“Ever heard of mattresses before?” I react loudly.

“Mattress-what?” Chikorita mimics while tilting her bean shaped head.

I give her a deadpan look.

“Hey look.” Squirtle then calls out. “There is just enough hay for another bed.” He states as I watch him stumble back inside while carrying a huge pile of hay in-between his blue arms.

Charmander smiles. “Awesome! Let’s carry that up on the loft and make him a bed real quick.” He states. “Hold on, let me help you with that.” He adds before taking off some of the load off him.

“Thanks.” He replies.

“Alright let’s make you a bed real quick. Come on.” Charmander calls out before walking up the steps leading up to the loft.

I of course followed them. Just to see this loft for myself, and true to my disappointment, there are just three piles of hay laid on top of it. Three piles for each one and a bit of space for a fourth if you move them around just a little bit.

Hey, at least the loft has some guardrails going around it. That’s at least something.

“So, who do you wanna sleep next to Christoph?” Charmander asks before turning around to look at me. Asking a grown adult to sleep next to some random kids? Yeah that doesn’t sound weird at all.

Ah fuck it.

I shrug. “Wherever there is space I guess.” I reply, not really caring at this point.  

“Uhm…lets see.” Charmander then looks thoughtful.

“Why not just move all of our beds a bit to the left so that we can squeeze in Christopher's bed at the far-right corner.” Squirtle openly suggests.

“Well, that means he’ll be sleeping next to you then.” Charmander points out.

He shrugs. “I know and I don’t mind.” He casually responds.

“Cool!” He calls out. “Then let’s move these beds then. Uhm…Chika can you maybe…”Charmander while looking at his arms.

She blinks. “Oh yeah right.” She reacts after realizing what he meant. She starts by pushing the piles of hay to the other end of the loft one by one, giving Charmander and Squirtle enough space to start “building” my bed on the opposite end of this elevated platform. 

I only just realized just how close the ceiling is from up here. Barley high enough for Charmander and Squirtle to stand upright. If they suddenly start to grow, well, there are going to be some space issues. Or maybe just buy a bigger house. These three are famous, aren’t they? I am sure they have banked up enough cash for “saving the world”.

Or maybe not, who knows. “Hero’” back in my world only receive a medal for their deeds and a firm handshake from the president or whatever, only to then just return to obscurity in just a few weeks. So…is it really worth it being the Hero? Financially, I doubt it.

“All Done!” Charmander exclaims. “So, what do you think?” He gestures at my newly made “bed”.

“It…” I squint. “It looks exactly like all the others.” I replied. Feeling unimpressed.

“I mean yeah, almost all of them do actually. Why don’t you just give it a try. See if it's comfortable.” He happily suggests while giving my new “bed” a few tentative pats. Enticing me to lay down.

I press my lips together. Well, If I can fall asleep on a pile of leaves then then trying to side-grade to a pile of hay next shouldn’t be too different. At least it's better than cardboard, that's for sure. I think to myself as I try to lay down on my new “bed”, feeling the hay crunching underneath my weight as I try to make myself comfortable.

“Well?” Charmander asks. Both him and his two friends looking at me with anticipation.

“It’s…surprisingly comfortable? Like…what?” I reply, mostly to myself. Feeling mildly confused at the fact that this “BED” kinda works? I mean it’s not a mattress. I would still prefer that over this but…this. This isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I…guess I can live with that.

“Sweet.” Charmander reacts with a smile. “That means both you and Squirtle are now bed neighbors then!” He laughs while giving his blue counterpart a few playful nudges.

Bed neighbors…is it just me or did what Charmander just said sounded wrong? Maybe it’s just me I don’t know.

“Though keep in mind that Squirtle likes to snore from time to time. Just giving you a heads up on that.” Chikorita adds which earned her a sideways glare from the turtle in question.

“Hey I don’t snore!” He retorts.

“Yeah, you do.” Charmander smiles. “We just hardly ever mention that because we’ve just gotten used to it after a while. But you do snore sometimes.” He reiterates.

“I…” Squirtle then pauses. “Do I really snore?” He mumbles to himself while looking a bit dejected for some reason. I mean it’s just snoring. It's not like he just learned that he was adopted or something.

So I just shrug. “Eh, there was a time when I had to contest with my neighbor playing Call of Duty or Fortnite every night up until the early hours of the morning while swearing like a goddamn sailor. Right next to my bedroom window no less. So, getting used to a bit of snoring shouldn’t be too difficult.” I state, which earned me another round of confusing looks for my three multicolored munchkins.

“Don’t ask.” I quickly added before they could even get the chance to do so.

“Uhm…sure.” Chikorita reacts while scratching her head.

“Anyway….” Charmander interjects while looking out a nearby window. “It’s slowly getting dark outside. How about we make some dinner before calling it a day. Sounds good?” He states happily.

Chikorita nods. “Yeah, sounds good.” She replies.

“Finally.” Squirtle’s sighs. “I’m starving. What’s even for dinner anyway?” Something I also would like to know.

It’s going to be vegetarian again, isn’t it? Like back at their “Team Base” before I was left to my own devices. Made of fruits and berries . I think to myself. Do Pokemon even eat meat? You would think so, at least for certain species, like Charmander who, funnily enough, has very visible canines inside his mouth.

I wonder…

“Well, you have to make it first.” Chikorita replies.

“Aw man.” Squirtle pouted. “Why do I have to make dinner today?” He asks.

“Well because It was my turn yesterday and now it’s yours.” Chikorita points out.

“Fine..” The turtle sighs. “I’ll go make a berry salad then.” He announces before turning on his heel and climbing back down.

Well, that answers that question. I think to myself, feeling a tad bit disappointed. Gott , I’ve only been here for like two days and I already miss the taste of a good Schnitzel or even better, a Mettbrötchen .

That image alone made me smile. Imagine a good old Mettbrötchen with onion toppings and a shit ton of butter. What I would give for a…

“Hey Christoph, you’re coming down?” Charmander asks, halting my train of thought.

I blink before noticing that Chikorita was already gone with only Charmander still here and already hallway down the stairs and looking over his shoulder.

“Uh, uhm…”I pause before looking at my “Bed” and then back at him. “You go ahead. I’ll just head to bed and skip dinner for tonight. I’m simply not in the mood.” I replied. Neglecting the fact that I don’t feel like munching on berries today after spending a minute or so visualizing some of my favorite foods I’ll probably gonna miss for a very long time. That thought alone ruins any form of appetite I might have and replaces it with nothing but longing and sadness. Also, I am just tired. Hiking to and from a mountain and getting knocked out from an explosion and ambushed by a gang of sentient lambs soon after will topple almost every man, minus Chuck Norris and maybe Rambo.

Plus, I also suffer from a mild case of insomnia and waking up in a new body hasn’t really changed that. Of all the things that could have changed, my poor eyesight in the dark and my insomnia have not. I swear if I find the dickhead responsible for this mess I will punch them in their goddamn throat, or aim for their groin if they happen to be male. Wherever hurts the most.

“Alright, goodnight then.” Charmander casually replies before finally leaving me to my own devices, not that it makes much of a difference because I can still hear them. This house only has one big room after all. I decide to just drown them out as I lay myself down on my new “BED” while trying to reflect on my current situation. Again. Not like it’ll help me, especially for my insomnia. But hey it at least keeps my mind busy which means it can’t degrade into madness…at least for a time.

Though one thought keeps resurfacing again and again no matter how hard I try to replace it with other thoughts which raise my anxiety levels to new highs. That conversation with that cat.

Maybe she was right. I should really get my shit together and stop bitching about it. I’m a MAN dammit. So, act like one. Sure, my situation sucks, you may be a midget and you may be stuck in a world filled with fantasy animals but that shouldn’t stop you from doing what you’ve been doing most of your life. Grabbing life by the balls and telling it to piss off. Because life is a bitch, no matter where you are. So, pull up those trousers, you’ve got work to do. I think to myself with determination while lying flat against my pile of hay and glaring at the ceiling.

If I can survive working HR without losing my fucking sanity then I can certainly survive through this as well. I add before finally closing my eyes and slowly drifting off to sleep…or at least I tried too. Took me at least one or two hours to do so but I still got there in the end.

Until Squirtle started snoring next to me.

I miss my neighbor.