Archive of Our Own ^beta

-2011-

Since Evan Buckley was nineteen years old, he'd been at war with his muscles.

He didn't know why. Hell, not even the revolving door of doctors he went to knew why. And yet, two or three times a year, his right back muscle went into spasm.

When it first started, on a sunny day in June of 2011, it felt like someone was placing a hand against the back of his skull. It wasn't painful, but it was persistent; a constant pressure that came out of nowhere. He thought he'd been getting a weird headache of sorts, so he'd downed some Ibuprofen and moved on.

Three days later, he realized he'd been wrong. He'd woken up that morning with a pulsing pain from where his head connected to his neck and down his back. It had just been deeply uncomfortable, at first, so he hadn't mentioned it to his parents. Now, it felt like someone was trying to pull his skull from his spine. And as the day went on, it only got worse. He knew it was time to bring it up when he couldn't stop himself from bursting into tears.

He'd ended up going into Urgent Care himself after he'd tried telling his parents.

“It's not enough that we have to deal with your broken bones and scraped knees. Now you're telling us you have pain that we can't even see?”

He'd learned to keep it to himself after that.

After checking him over for more serious problems, the doctor diagnosed him with generic muscle spasms, saying he must've pulled something. He was given muscle relaxers and sent on his way, with no other explanation. They made him incredibly tired, which his parents were also not okay with.

“You've been in bed for hours, Evan. Don't you have class today?”

“Stop slacking off. College is important.”

“It's been three days. You're fine. Get up.”

It had been a relief when he finally left.

It happened a couple of times over the years while he was still at home, but he'd never said anything. He'd stayed at a friend's house to sleep off the muscle relaxers, not wanting a repeat of his parents’ disappointment. He had enough of that without the spasms.

He didn’t tell Maddie.

He could’ve. He had every opportunity to tell her. He’d ended up in the hospital because of it. After another inevitable argument with his parents about his pain, he jumped on his bike and crashed it. He’d told her the basics:

“Mom and Dad think I’m a total loser.”

“The way they look at me- through me- I can’t live with that anymore.”

He wanted to tell her. She was a nurse. She would understand, but he couldn’t risk the same look he saw in his parent's eyes whenever he had a flare-up. He couldn’t lose Maddie, too.

So, with the keys to his sister’s jeep in hand, he ran.

-2015-

He’d met some good friends in Peru. Connor had invited him to live with him and his roommates in L.A. and he’d gladly accepted, feeling like it was time for a change.

California was perfect for his chronic pain for one reason: marijuana. It wasn’t exactly legal at that point, but he didn’t use it enough to be at risk of getting caught and charged with possession. He only used it when he had flare-ups. It was a godsend.

That godsend was cut short, however, when he made the decision to enroll in the Fire Academy. He wasn’t going to let something that happens maybe three or four times a year stop him from living the life he wanted. And with the random drug tests the academy often enforced, that meant no more weed. So, he was back to the muscle relaxers.

-2018-

Throughout the years, he’d gotten better at knowing when pain was on its way. He knew when to ask for days off and when to go to his doctor’s office. With his most recent visit, he was given information that no other doctor had seemed to be able to give him.

“It’s called a paraspinal muscle. It runs parallel to your spine on each side of your back. It goes from your mid-to-lower back up to your neck, which seems to be your problem area,” Dr. Jennings had told him.

“Really? I’ve had this problem for years and you’re the first person to ever be able to name it,” he responded, excitedly.

Dr. Jennings chuckled at that. “Yeah, that tends to happen. Especially if you move around a lot and change doctors often. If you don’t stick around with one doctor, they tend to brush it off as a pulled muscle.”

Buck smiled. “It’s a good thing I’m here then. So, what’s the next step?”

“Well, you’re LAFD, right?” He nodded. “Okay, you’ll need to update your medical file at work. I’ll give you some paperwork to pass along to your captain. I’ll prescribe you some muscle relaxers and you should be good to go.”

Buck’s face had fallen at that. “Wait, more muscle relaxers? Now that you know what the problem is, isn’t there something else that you can do? Something that’ll fix it?”

“I’m afraid not. Your scans don’t indicate any other underlying reasons for the pain. Unfortunately, for some people, their muscles are structured in a way that can cause random cramps and spasms. I don’t know if you’ve tried massage, but I’ve heard that helps for some. Heat and naproxen also help. In most cases, though, muscle relaxers are the best course of treatment.”

Buck had never felt so defeated as he did leaving his doctor’s office that day. The only positive being that he didn’t have to go in every time he had a flare-up. He only needed to message his doctor to get a new prescription.

He was also not looking forward to the fact that, now that he had this information, he’d have to tell Bobby. He hated telling people about his spasms, and now, he had to tell Bobby.

Walking into work the next day was torture. His parents’ words echoed through his mind with every step he took toward Bobby’s office.

“You’re fine.”

“You’re just looking for attention again, Evan.”

He knew Bobby would never say any of that, but his mind was cruel.

He knocked on the door and with a muffled, “Come in,” he stepped inside.

“Hey, Buck. What can I do for you?” Bobby asked. His smile was gentle, probably noticing the hesitancy in Buck’s eyes.

“Do you have a second? I, um- I need to update my medical file,” he spoke softly. He saw concern paint Bobby’s face, but only for a moment. It disappeared as he gestured for Buck to take a seat. He did. “I got these papers from my doctor. He told me to pass them on to you for my file.” He handed the paperwork over to Bobby, finding it easier to have him read it instead of saying it out loud.

They sat in silence for a few agonizing minutes while Bobby read over his doctor’s notes and Buck tried not to fidget in his chair. Finally, placing the paper down on his desk, Bobby’s eyes met his. “There should be no problem with adding this to your file. I did notice that it says these were typed up yesterday, though. So, I just want to check in with you. Are you in any pain right now?”

Buck was slightly stunned for a moment. No one, aside from doctors, had asked him that when it came to his chronic pain before. Granted, he had never given anyone the chance, but still; it was a relief.

“Uh, no- I mean, a little, but it just feels like pressure. It’s probably going to be worse once my shift is over, but I’ll have 48 off and I can just take muscle relaxers and sleep through it. I went to my doctor’s office because I could feel it coming on. Just to be ready when it does, you know?” He told him, trying not to stumble through his words.

Bobby nodded, his calm demeanor now holding understanding. “I can see you’re on top of it and I’m glad, but the second you start to feel worse, let me know. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

Buck’s eyes became glassy with unshed tears as he smiled. “Yeah, of course. You’ll be the first to know.”

It was at that moment that Buck saw his relationship with Bobby shift into something else, something parental. His mom and dad hadn’t been there for him in the way he needed and he had been walking through life scared to mention his pain to anyone.

But Bobby cared . Bobby was there for him if he needed him. And while it was going to be difficult, Buck wanted to learn how to lean on the people around him.

Because he had a family here. A family that loved him.

As he stood up to leave, Bobby called after him once more. “By the way, before I forget, we’re getting a new recruit next shift. Let me know if you’re not able to work and need some extra time to rest. I’m eager for you to meet him, but my first priority is your well-being, okay?”

That made Buck still.

What if this new guy was better than him? What if he could do everything he could, but without being in pain?

Uneasy, he replied, “Uh, yeah, sure. I’ll keep you updated.” With a final nod from Bobby, Buck left the office and wandered towards the locker room to get ready for the day, feeling somehow at peace and at war with himself at the same time.

-2019-

It was harder than he thought to not let his past dictate his present. He did his best to let Bobby know when he was hurting and once the animosity had died down between him and Eddie, he knew he was in no danger of being replaced. In fact, he was pretty sure he had a friend for life.

Then, someone decided to put a bomb on the fire engine.

Buck was no stranger to getting hurt, on the job or otherwise, but not being able to work because of his broken leg was a special kind of hell. Not only because he was bored at home, but also because he hadn’t factored in what kind of effect constantly lying or sitting down would have on his muscles.

On the plus side, his doctor prescribed him with pretty strong painkillers when he left the hospital. On the negative side, he could only take so much at a time. He wasn’t allowed to overlap medications because there was concern that he could accidentally overdose. So, once he had taken the painkillers, he couldn’t take anything other than over-the-counter acetaminophen for the next twelve hours.

His spasms felt much worse this time around and he couldn’t do anything about it for the next six hours.

Which is why, when Maddie came around to check on him, he was curled up on the couch, hands clutching his blanket as he tried to breathe through the pain.

“Oh my god, Buck. What’s wrong? Talk to me,” she said, switching into nurse mode and rushing over to him.

He could barely breathe right, let alone talk, but he forced out the words, “It hurts.” It was all he could muster.

She placed a hand on his cast as if she could heal his leg through the many layers of plaster. “Did you take your meds? If the pain is this bad with them, we should go back in and have them look at it. Something else could be going on.”

“Not my leg,” he muttered, through tears. “My back. My muscles. C-can’t take any more meds.”

“Okay, is it pain or is it spasming?” she asked.

“Both.”

“Okay, hold on, I’m going to get you a heating pad.” She stood as fast as she had rushed to his side a moment earlier. He knew she was moving around his apartment from the noises she was making, but he couldn’t comprehend or see any of it. He was too focused on the pain.

A while later, he couldn’t tell how long, he felt his head being lifted off the couch and onto his sister’s lap. He felt his shirt being lifted. He felt something cold, something liquid, spreading across his back. It made him flinch, which didn’t help the spasms, but he knew whatever Maddie was doing, it would help. Eventually, she stopped and pulled his shirt back down, which was when he felt the heating pad being placed on his back. He could start crying new tears just from the relief it brought. Enough relief, it would seem, to lull him to sleep.

When he opened his eyes, his sister was still there, carding her fingers through his hair. “Hey there, Sleepy. How're you feeling?”

He took stock of his body in that moment. He still felt some strain, but it had gone back down to feeling like pressure. “Better. Thanks.” She hummed in acknowledgment. “How long was I asleep?” He asked.

“About an hour. I put some Biofreeze on your back with the heating pad.” He squinted up at her.

“I thought I ran out of Biofreeze?”

“I ran down to the corner store. You were probably too out of it to notice.” He felt her fingers still. She was concerned. “Evan, what's going on? It looked like you were in a lot of pain earlier. Does this happen often?”

He took a deep breath, rolling over onto his back. Looking up at his wonderful, amazing, caring sister, he finally told her everything. Everything that went down with his parents when he was 19. Everything his many doctors told him. Every word Bobby comforted him with.

It was hard. He felt guilty for not telling her sooner; for being in his own head so much that he hid it from her for years. But the soft kiss placed on his forehead and the comforting hand in his hair reminded him that Maddie would always believe him. Maddie would always be there for him, no matter what his mind tried to tell him.

“Next time this is too hard for you to handle, you call me. Even if you can handle it, just tell me. Deal?”

As he lifted his pinky finger to curl around hers, he was reminded that there had always been someone in his corner. He just had to let her in.

-2024-

Not everyone knew what to do when someone they knew had chronic pain. Buck learned that when he had his first boyfriend.

Tommy Kinard is great. He is kind, understanding, and so incredibly attractive. Buck couldn’t believe how lucky he’d been to land a man like Tommy. But there was one problem: He didn’t know how to tell him about his muscle spasms. Logically, he knew it would be fine, but he could still hear his mother’s voice at the back of his mind telling him to get up .

It wasn’t until he had a flare-up that he was forced to let Tommy in.

“How about a chiropractor? There’s one a few blocks from here?” Tommy said, staring down at his phone.

Buck, meanwhile, was halfway to passing out on the couch, the muscle relaxers taking effect. He sighed before replying, “I tried that a couple of years ago. It worked for about a day, then it all came back.”

Tommy had been googling remedies and solutions for the past hour and, while Buck appreciated the effort, he’d also googled enough in the past decade or so to know that there wasn’t much to be done other than grin and bear it.

“Maybe it was the chiropractor you went to. This one says they specialize in-”

“Tommy, enough,” he responded, cutting his boyfriend off abruptly. “Please just- Can you just sit with me, maybe?” He was getting stressed just hearing the stream of ideas coming from Tommy’s phone, which was not helping the tightness in his body.

“I’m just trying to help, Evan,” he said from his spot in the armchair. “I know you aren’t feeling well, but there’s no need to take it out on me.”

“I’m not. I’m really not.” Buck sat up, despite his back screaming at him as he did so. “Look,” he replied, trying his best to remain calm and non-confrontational. “I’ve already been through all of this. There’s nothing else that can be done; at least nothing I want to do. It’s easier and less painful for me at this point to just stick to what I know, instead of trying a million different things that I hope work, but never do.”

Tommy took in a steady breath. “I understand, okay? I do. I just want you better. I want to fix whatever’s going on, so you don’t have to deal with it anymore.”

Fix . Buck hated that word. He knew Tommy didn’t mean anything by it, but he was starting to get frustrated. “You can’t fix it because there’s nothing to fix. Trust me, I wish I wasn’t in pain three or four weeks out of the year, either. All I need is for you to be there.”

“For me, being there means putting the work in. Helping you get back on your feet. It means taking your hand and pulling you up when you fall. Is that so wrong of me?”

“Yes!” The room went silent and Tommy looked like someone had kicked his puppy. Buck felt terrible. He shook his head, trying to clear the fatigue from his medication. “No. I mean-” He hid his face in his hands, not knowing what to say.

It was amazing that Tommy wanted to pick him up when he fell. Buck knew that. He was a very caring man, willing to do anything he could to help Buck the best way he knew how. But therein lied the catch: That wasn’t what Buck needed.

He took a deep breath as he planned his next words carefully. “Tommy, it’s amazing that you want to do everything you can to pull me back up and I’m sure that’s exactly what someone needs right now. But that someone isn’t me.”

It wasn’t Tommy’s fault. It wasn’t anyone’s. Well, to be honest, if he could blame anything, he’d blame the muscles in his back; the muscles that were currently spasming painfully as he tried to console his boyfriend.

As he said, Tommy is great.

He just wasn’t great for him.

-2025-

It’d been a few months since Buck had called things off with Tommy. They hadn’t even dated for a year, but Tommy had done a lot for him. He was a significant part of his life and it sucked for a while once their relationship ended. They just wanted different things and that didn’t have to be a bad thing. He had been doing pretty well, though, which is why he was sure the universe had some kind of vendetta against him when his parents came to town.

He’d been mending things with them ever since he’d learned about his brother, Daniel. They went to therapy and talked things out, making things a lot easier to handle when it came to his relationship with them.

Easier , but not necessarily easy.

Which is why Eddie was offering a “Parent Ditch Day” in the first place.

“I’m just saying, they’re here to check in with Maddie now that she’s pregnant again. You can just tell them you have work and couldn’t find anyone to cover your shift,” he explained, falling on the couch beside Buck and handing him a beer. “Chris has been begging me to take him to Universal since he got back. Apparently, they’ve opened a new ride and I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather do that than hang out with your parents.”

Buck couldn’t help but laugh in agreement. “You make a valid point, but I’m trying this new thing where I don’t run from my problems.”

“Shame,” Eddie says, smiling. “We’re going to miss you.”

Buck nearly chokes on his beer. “Wha- You’re not going without me? You can’t go without me. I have The Strategy.”

The Strategy had been something Buck came up with when he first took the Diaz’s to Universal Studios. He had that place down to a science. He knew which lines were shortest at which times. He knew which restaurants had the best quality of food throughout the day and when they’d get their food the fastest. He’d even pinpointed where to get the exact merchandise they wanted from different spots around the park. A day at Universal with Buck was the best way to go because it was the most efficient way to go.

Which is why there was no way Eddie and Chris were going without him.

All he got from Eddie was a clever (and not unattractive) side-eye. Buck didn’t have much self-preservation, anyway.

He groaned, setting his drink down on Eddie’s well-loved coffee table. “Fine, you win. I’ll go to Universal.”

As he watched Eddie’s smile grow in victory, he knew he had no intention of going without him. He just wanted to make sure Buck didn’t have to go through more meet-ups with his parents than he had to because he could see what that did to him. Eddie was just being protective; a quality which Buck would never fault him for.

He’d realized about two months after breaking up with Tommy that he was in love with his best friend. It wasn’t a happy realization, though. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad realization. While Eddie had come out to him as gay over the summer (a fact that is at the forefront of his mind every day now), he was sure nothing could happen there. Eddie was his best friend. No, scratch that. Eddie was his family . Chris was his family. He wasn’t going to do anything to jeopardize that.

But as Eddie grabs his empty beer bottle, walking backward toward the kitchen and sticking his tongue out at Buck in jest, he’s reminded of just how difficult being in love with Eddie Diaz and not doing anything about it is.

It’s fucking hard.

–

Universal Studios was great. It always is, especially when he’s with his favorite boys.

Eddie ended up with a butterbeer foam mustache, making both Buck and Chris cackle as they compared it to the mustache he’d shaved off a few months prior. He was debating setting the candid picture he took as his phone’s wallpaper.

He was making his way up to his loft, doing exactly that, when a text came through from Maddie.

I’m so sorry. They made me.

She didn’t have to explain. He knew exactly what had happened. As he reached his front door, he thought about jogging right back down the stairs and into Eddie’s truck.

“I’m trying this new thing where I don’t run from my problems.”

Damn.

Unlocking his door, he’s faced with the very two people he’d just spent his whole day trying to avoid. Maddie is nowhere to be seen and, honestly, he doesn't blame her.

“Evan, there you are! We were wondering when you’d get home from work. We thought we’d be here all day,” his mother exclaimed.

“Right,” he remembered, chucking the Universal Studios bag through the open bathroom door. “I am home from work. What a surprise. I wasn’t expecting you at all.”

His father stood beside her, a very serious man, nodding towards him. “Come sit, Evan.”

“Yes, how’s everything been lately? How is- Oh, what was his name? The pilot?”

Of course. He hadn’t told them about the break-up. Maybe he would’ve if they’d called. “His name is Tommy and actually, we’re not together anymore.”

His mother’s face fell at that. “Oh no, what happened?”

Now, that was a sore topic to bring up with his parents. If he had broken up with Tommy for any other reason, he’d be telling them anything they wanted with very little push. But the fact that his chronic pain factored into the decision? There’s no way he’s opening up that can of worms.

“We just wanted different things. It was very amicable,” he explained, giving up on them leaving any time soon and sitting on one of the bar chairs in his kitchen.

“Oh, I doubt that you’re that different. You tend to drop things pretty easily. Remember all those college classes? I’m sure if you just stuck with it, you two could be very happy,” she replied easily, smiling as if the advice she was giving was in any way helpful. “People fight, Evan. You just have to put the work in.”

Buck had heard all of this from them before. He would pick up hyperfixations as fast as he dropped them, which was something his parents never understood. This had nothing to do with his ADHD, however. This was an entirely different monster.

As if the day wasn’t soured enough by their presence, this was the moment he felt a twinge in his back. Good to know that stress factored into his pain, too.

Great.

“It just didn’t work out, Mom. Um- I’m actually pretty tired from my shift and I was thinking of crashing the second I got home. Do you mind if we pick this up another time?” He asked, trying to hide the urgency in his voice.

“We never see you. We’re rarely in town, you know,” his father responded. Oh, he knew.

“Well, how about I call you and we can arrange something? Maybe when I’m not at work?” He just wanted to drown in his comforter and he was two seconds away from getting on his knees and begging them to leave.

“We did spring this on you,” his mother said, seeming quite empathetic for once as she rose from her seat. Maybe therapy did help in some ways. “Okay, we’ll go. Just promise me you’ll try with that pilot of yours. He seemed nice and quitting on him so soon won’t do you any good.”

“Absolutely. Will do,” he replied, having zero intention of going through with that promise as he ushered them out. He just needed his parents out of his apartment immediately.

As he shut the door, he felt the familiar pressure making its way up his back. It must've been a combination of a day out at a theme park and his parents’ surprise visit. He sighed in defeat, his head falling against the door behind him. He would be fine. He had a 12-hour shift tomorrow and then a 48 off. He had no problem working when the pain wasn't at its peak.

For now, he took some naproxen, downed some water, and fell into bed, trying not to think about the pain that was almost certainly on its way.

–

Waking up the next morning sucked. It well and truly sucked. 

Buck knew by now what to expect when it came to his chronic pain. 1 of 3 things would usually happen: Either his back would go into spasm, his neck would, or he was just stuck with slight back pain. It would usually last for about a week, slowly increasing and then decreasing in pain.

Today was different.

He felt the familiar sharp pulsing in his back first as he lifted himself into an upright position. He took a few deep breaths and waited for the spasm to pass. He didn’t feel the pain in his neck until he reached to turn his 7:00 AM alarm off.

“Fuck,” he hissed, curling into himself and falling back down onto the bed, clutching at the sheets so hard his knuckles turned white. He continued to breathe through the pain as he planned out how today was going to go.

He only had a 12-hour today, which would’ve been perfect if the pain hadn’t come on so suddenly. As it was, being two hours from the start of his shift, he couldn’t call anyone to cover for him on such short notice. He also couldn’t take any muscle relaxers. They wouldn’t be as effective if he was constantly moving around and he didn’t want to put anyone at risk if he showed up to a call lethargic and fatigued. He knew he could tell Bobby that he was having a bad flare-up and it wouldn’t be a problem, but he didn’t want to burden him with that. He felt guilty enough as it was. For what, he didn’t know, but guilt came with the pain every time.

So, with as much strength as he could muster, he dragged himself out of bed, his back stiff as he tried to minimize the spasms as much as possible. He realized his poor planning last night, knowing he couldn’t take any more naproxen for another two hours and opting instead for two extra-strength Tylenol.

As he pulled his LAFD shirt over his head and grabbed his duffel bag, he hoped today wasn’t as difficult as he suspected it would be.

–

Luckily for Buck, it seemed that it was going to be a q-word kind of day. They’d had only two calls six hours into his shift and Buck couldn’t have been more grateful. He’d spent most of the morning curled up in the bunks, the blankets covering his TENS unit from prying eyes. It didn’t help much when the pain was at its peak, but at this point, he’d try anything.

He was awoken by the smell of Bobby’s famous mac and cheese wafting through the bunkroom and then it occurred to him: he hadn’t eaten anything all day. It was hard to when every time he swallowed, the reflex triggered his neck muscles. But he knew he wouldn’t make it through today if he didn’t have something in his stomach. Feeling like he’d been hit by a truck, Buck rose from the semi-comfortable bed, shoved his TENS unit back into its bag, and trudged out to the loft.

“You okay, Buckaroo?” Hen’s was the first voice he heard as he made his way up the stairs. She sat at the kitchen table opposite Chimney, both of them looking at him with concerned expressions on their faces.

“Yeah, yeah, of course. Just didn’t get much sleep last night. Had to catch up,” he replied, painting his best fake smile across his features. He could tell by the way they locked eyes with each other and then back at him that he was less than convincing.

“Hey, you hungry?” Eddie asked, walking toward him from the kitchen island with two plates in hand. He and Eddie always did this. If one of them was nowhere to be found at mealtime, the other grabbed a serving for them, no questions asked.

As Buck went to grab the plate, however, the shrill sound of the bell sounded throughout the station. Looks like food would have to wait.

As he jogged down the stairs, each step sending shockwaves up his back, he tried to keep his mind steady.

Only six more hours to go.

–

They had been called to a second-alarm fire in a residential area downtown and Buck didn’t know if it was his instincts or pure adrenaline, but the pain hadn’t felt so bad. Both he and Eddie had been sent inside to evacuate all apartments in the building and, by some miracle, no one had gotten too badly hurt. They’d been tasked with clean-up as well and were there for about four hours, which meant Buck had about two hours left of his shift. The day was coming to a close and he was actually feeling better.

However, as the stress from the call wore off, Buck felt the pain returning tenfold as his knees bumped against Eddie’s on the way back to the station.

Deep breaths , he reminded himself. You’re almost there.

He was the last one out of the truck as his friends, none the wiser, ran up the stairs to grab the rest of the lunch leftovers. Buck still hadn’t eaten, but that wasn’t something he cared about right now. He had to get somewhere private before he broke down. He was so focused that he didn’t notice Eddie watching him carefully as he swiftly made his way to the showers.

The pain was unbearable at this point as he turned the water on the hottest setting, hoping to replace the sensation of a heating pad. He didn’t want to take any naproxen, especially since he would be doing so on an empty stomach, so this was his only option at this point.

Standing under the scalding water, his body at an angle in an effort to stop it from working against him, he felt his breath speeding up. He felt out of control as tears pooled in his eyes and cascaded down his cheeks. The pain wasn’t going away. He couldn’t calm down. He couldn’t stop it.

“Buck, are you in here?” The voice seemed far away, but even then, he could never mistake it for anyone but Eddie. The only people who knew about his chronic pain were Bobby, Maddie, and Tommy. He never planned on telling Eddie. Eddie was so important to him. With everything that happened with his parents and then with Tommy? He couldn’t risk Eddie. But it was looking like he’d have to.

As he slid down the wall, the hot water taking a toll on his mind, he heard a soft knock and saw Eddie’s figure, hidden by the frosted glass of the shower door. “Buck, are you okay in there?”

With as much energy as he could gather, a soft no escaped his lips. He wasn’t even sure if Eddie would be able to hear it.

He must have because, not even a second later, the door was being swung open and Eddie’s eyes fell on Buck’s seemingly small presence, legs curled up against his chest. He was by his side immediately.

“Hey, what’s going on? What’s wrong?” Eddie pleaded, placing his hand on his shoulder.

“Bobby,” Buck replied, not coherent enough to tell Eddie everything right now. Buck wanted to be fine. He wanted to go back to work and act as if none of this was happening, but he knew that was no longer an option with how much pain he was in.

Eddie seemed to get the message and reached for his walkie. “Cap, can I see you in the showers?” He stood then, reaching to turn off the water, but he quickly yanked his hand back at the temperature. “Fuck, that’s hot,” he exclaimed, attempting again to shut off the shower and shaking the excess hot water from his hand. As Buck heard another set of footsteps approaching, he felt a towel being placed over him. He hadn’t removed any of his clothes aside from his turnouts, but Eddie seemed to want to dry him off somehow.

“Everything okay?” He heard Bobby ask, a hand being placed on one of his arms, both of which were currently curled around his legs as he tensed and untensed his way through the spasms wrecking his body. “Buck, is it your back?”

He realized then that he hadn’t given Bobby an answer. Not being able to nod for fear of moving his neck, he responded with a small “Uh-huh.”

“Okay, I’m going to have Eddie take you home. I know you don’t have it in you to argue, but I’m going to tell you anyway: Don’t argue.” He felt a hand on his shoulder once again: Eddie. “Do you want to change out of your uniform or are you in too much pain?”

He lifted his head, knowing he’d have to at some point to stand, wincing as he did so. He took a couple of deep breaths, his mind clearing slightly along with the steam from the hot shower. “I’ll change,” he replied, just wanting to get it all over with as soon as possible.

“I’ll grab your stuff,” said Eddie, standing and making his way out of the showers.

Buck locked eyes with Bobby then, care flowing through his features. “Buck, why didn’t you tell me it was this bad?” 

“Short shift,” he answered, leaning his head carefully against the tiled wall. “Thought I could get through it. It came on suddenly this morning and I didn’t want to ask someone for cover last minute.”

Bobby’s expression changed to one Buck was all too familiar with. The same one he gave him whenever he ran into a burning building without authorization. “I don’t care if it’s two weeks or two seconds before your shift. Next time this happens, you tell me immediately.”

Buck bit his lip, trying to force back tears that had already fallen. “I’m sorry. I try to remember to lean on people, but my parents-”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” he assured him. “I heard from Chimney that you may have had a rough day or two with them in town. You’re okay.” Buck relaxed at that, something his muscles were immensely grateful for, just in time for Eddie to round the corner in record time with his and Buck’s belongings. He stood in the doorway watching him intently as Bobby turned to Buck once more, a knowing smile behind his eyes. “I think you’re in good hands.”

–

The drive to Eddie’s felt like hours. Buck had requested that he just drop him off at his loft, but Eddie had insisted and he was in no state to argue with him.

“Okay, eat,” Eddie pressed, sliding a bowl of tomato soup in front of Buck, who was currently sat at the Diaz’s kitchen table and draped in a heated blanket. He looked up at him, squinting as he felt his muscles react. “You need to eat before you take any medication, right? I figured soup means minimum chewing and swallowing. Plus, I’m pretty sure you haven’t eaten all day, which stops now.”

“Um, h-how do you know that?” Buck asked. He was sure he hadn’t told Eddie any of this. He was pretty out of it before leaving the station, though. Maybe he told him everything and he just doesn’t remember it.

Eddie smiled as he sat down across from him. “I texted your sister before we left the firehouse. She had to get to work, but she basically sent me a cheat sheet and dropped some things off here on her way in. Also, as someone on your approved list, she was able to call in your muscle relaxers. I had her request an Rx delivery service. They should be here within the hour, so until then, you’ll have to live with some Biofreeze and naproxen. Except you can’t take that until you eat, so as I was saying,” he paused, pushing the tomato soup closer to Buck, “Eat.”

Buck was floored. Eddie had adapted to the situation so quickly, ready to help him in whatever way he needed. Buck knew that this wasn’t the time, but Eddie had just gotten ten times more attractive. Willing away the blush that almost certainly covered his cheeks, he lifted a spoonful of the tomato soup and muttered a small “Thanks.”

“I’ve got your back,” he reminded him, eyes never leaving him as he nearly inhaled the soup, not even realizing how hungry he actually was. “Are you sure you don’t want to sit on the couch?”

Buck nodded softly as he ate. “Yes because I know you. I know you’re going to force me to lie down in an actual bed, no matter how many times I tell you I’m okay on the couch, and it’ll be more difficult to get off the couch than a kitchen chair when that happens.”

Eddie chuckled. “Yeah, there’s no way I’m letting you pass out on the couch. That’ll just give you more back problems.”

Once Buck finished his soup (in record time, he might add), Eddie took the bowl and placed it in the sink to be washed later. “Okay, up. You need to lie down and I’ll help you with the Biofreeze.” He held out his hands for Buck to hold onto and, upon standing, the distance between them diminished significantly.

Now Buck couldn’t breathe right for an entirely different reason.

Time stood still for a moment and, come to think of it, he was sure he noticed Eddie’s eyes flicker down briefly. Was he still out of it or did that just happen?

Unlucky for him, this was the moment his muscles decided to send a particularly painful ache up his back. The resulting pained expression broke the tension fairly quickly.

“I- Uh, yeah, come on. Bed,” Eddie stuttered, stepping to the side and gesturing at the kitchen door. On any other day, Buck would’ve questioned him on whatever just happened, but the thought of lying down and passing out was too inviting to pass up.

As he wandered down the hall and into Eddie’s bedroom, he heard a knock on the door. “Oh, that’s probably the Rx delivery. Don’t lie down yet, okay? You need to take your meds.”

He sat down on the ever-inviting bed, wanting nothing more than to collapse into it. The sound of Eddie’s footsteps reminded him, though, that he’d rather take care of the pain first. He was rewarded with the sight of Eddie stumbling into his room, arms full of anything and everything that was surely on Maddie’s cheat sheet. He was holding the now-unplugged heated blanket, the Biofreeze bottle, two different medication bottles, and even a full cup of water. Buck had to admit: he was pretty damn cute when he was in caretaker mode.

“Okay, lift your shirt.”

“I-what?” He sputtered.

Eddie stifled a laugh, wiggling the Biofreeze in his face as he dropped everything but the water on the bed. “Can’t put this on if you don’t, Buck,” he reminded him, planting himself on the bed next to him.

Buck let out a breath he didn’t know he holding, before lifting the back of his shirt. “Right, yeah.” Eddie set the water on his side table and began carefully rolling the Biofreeze across his back.

“Tell me if I miss a spot, okay?” He didn’t. He didn’t miss a single spot. He spread the Biofreeze across his back with practiced ease and it occurred to Buck that he’d probably used it with Chris at some point. The thought warmed his heart. The past year had been tough on both Eddie and Christopher, but knowing they had a stronger relationship now made Buck unbelievably happy. “What’s going through your mind?” He asked, blowing across his back in an attempt to dry what he’d already applied. That was certainly not helping him focus.

“Nothing,” he answered quietly, the ambiance of the room demanding soft-spoken words. “Just that you’re pretty good at this.”

“So I’ve heard,” he replied, passing Buck the cup of water he had set down earlier along with two pills.

After swallowing the medicine and gulping down the rest of the water, he felt his shirt being pulled down and the heated blanket being returned to its place across his back. As Eddie eased him down onto the mattress and brought the comforter up to cover him, Buck felt tears welling up in his eyes. 

He felt so loved .

As he tried to blink them away, he turned to Eddie. “Thank you,” he whispered.

Eddie’s hand came up to wipe a stray tear that had escaped. “Anytime.” He smiled softly, lying down next to him. “I mean it, you better tell me next time this happens or I’ll sic Chris on you.”

A sudden laugh burst from his chest, jostling his back in a very unpleasant way. “Ow, don’t make me laugh. I’m dying over here,” he begged, not caring about the pain anymore. The smile on Eddie’s face seemed far more important.

“Yeah, sure, Drama Queen,” he teased.

They lay there in comfortable silence for a few more minutes before Buck felt the familiar exhaustion from the muscle relaxers seeping into his body. He closed his eyes, ready to succumb to sleep, when Eddie spoke. “I really do mean it, Evan.” He opened his eyes at the use of his name and looked into Eddie’s, silently urging him to continue. “Please tell me next time. You’re kind of my person and it seriously sucks seeing you in pain,” he continued, a flicker of hesitation coloring his face.

Buck’s eyebrows drew together for a moment, carefully considering Eddie’s words. “E-Eddie-”

“Tomorrow,” he interrupted before Buck could say anything more. “We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

Buck nodded, his eyelids already drooping, but something akin to hope filling his chest. “Tomorrow,” he breathed as he slipped into unconsciousness.

He knew he shouldn’t have been afraid to tell Eddie about his chronic pain. For one, Eddie had dealt with pain before when it came to Christopher.

For two, Eddie was his person; something he’d already known for a while now.

Tomorrow .

He couldn’t wait.