Work Text:
Marechi blood is something rare and powerful.
Sanemi used his blood often. One cut on his skin and the demon would go crazy. He loved it, feeling invincible and powerful. For a moment, everything was under control. He no longer thought about his brother, his mother who he had killed, all those he had lost.
But that habit he had picked up in his youth had begun to manifest itself outside the battlefield. It had started slowly, a small cut here, just to feel better, another here because the blood hypnotized him. Then another here, another here, and...
Now Sanemi was bleeding on the floor, his blood-stained katana leaning against the wall.
*
Sanemi cursed under his breath as the bandage came off for the third time. No matter how hard he wrapped it around his forearms, it kept falling off.
He sat on the ground, a floor stained with blood. He didn't understand how he had gotten here. He, the angry Wind Pillar, was self-mutilating.
“Tsh...! I’m going to give up. I wonder how Iguro manages to re-do his bandages every day, it must be exhausting. Oh damn!” he said as the blood-stained bandages fell off.
He leaned his back against the wall.
Sanemi remained silent and little by little, he became aware of what he had just done. A deep sadness invaded him and he felt his eyes become more and more moist.
"Fuck... I did it... I really did it..."
Before Sanemi could react, there was a knock on his door. He stood up in a panic and tried to find something to cover his forearms. But as soon as he stood, he felt dizzy. He had lost a lot of blood.
“Shinazugawa!” Shinobu Kocho’s cheerful voice rang through the door. “Are you there?”
“Shit…” Sanemi muttered. “Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute, Kocho!”
He stood up more slowly, one hand leaning against the wall. Everything was spinning so fast around him that the colors were blurred. Sanemi rolled up his sleeves as far as they could to cover his forearms and wrists and headed toward the door.
"Hello, Shinazugawa! I was coming to see you about the appointment you missed two days ago. Oyakata-sama seemed surprised by your absence, so I thought that maybe..."
Ah, the meeting. That's right, that day he couldn't even get up after cutting himself. He hadn't calculated the depth of the cuts and had lost too much blood.
"No, I'm fine. I was just... uh... tired?"
Shinobu raised an eyebrow.
“Tired?” she repeated.
Seeing the look the Insect Pillar was giving him, Sanemi knew she wouldn't let him go until she got all the information on his condition. Shinobu could be really stubborn sometimes.
Sanemi was already tired just thinking about the lies he was going to have to invent. A headache was starting to pulse under his eyelids, and he was having trouble standing up straight. He knew that at the slightest mistake, at the slightest slack, Shinobu would catch on. And Sanemi didn't want Shinobu or any of the Pillars to discover his condition. He was the Pillar of Wind!
He had no right to be weak!
“Shinazugawa?” Shinobu asked more quietly this time.
Sanemi realized he was swaying. A glance at his sleeves made him jump in horror: blood was beginning to stain his white haori. He abruptly hid his arms behind him and exclaimed:
“It’s okay, Kocho! I didn’t come to the meeting because I had exhausting missions the previous days, and I didn’t realize how tired I was. I’m sorry for worrying Oyakata-sama.”
He took a breath.
“I’m just... I have... a lot to do. I’ll see you at the next meeting, okay?” he said, trying to fight off the fainting spell, his vision getting blurrier and blurrier, blacker and blacker around the edges, until...
“Shinazugawa!” came Kocho’s panicked voice.
Sanemi realized that he was slumped against the wall, on the ground. He tried to sit up, but Shinobu pressed a hand to his chest to stop him from moving. She brought her face closer to his and said in a serious tone:
"Shinazugawa? Can you hear me? Listen, I need you to tell me what's going on. Did you lose blood during a mission?"
Sanemi heard the words, but it was as if their meaning was hidden behind the fog, inaccessible.
“Shinazugawa, please! I need you to tell me...”
Shinobu gasped in surprise.
Sanemi used all the strength of his will to raise his head. Kocho was kneeling in front of him, his eyes wide with horror fixed on...
Oh shit.
"But... what... No..." she muttered, unable to understand what was happening. "Shinazugawa... What did you do..."
Kocho had just seen his sleeves soaked in blood and it plunged her into a state of incomprehension: how could Sanemi Shinazugawa, the Wind Pillar always strong and a little crazy sometimes, have done that?
It was impossible.
With a precise gesture, she gently pulled up Sanemi's right sleeve, paying no attention to her colleague's weak protests. What she saw made her stomach turn.
Scars crisscrossed Sanemi's wrists and forearms, creating a sickening sight. The tangle of thin lines in various stages of healing made her shudder. The most recent scars were still bleeding, streaming down Sanemi's arm. He didn't even have the strength to hide his arms anymore, his head down.
Of course, Shinobu had seen this kind of thing before. The job of a demon slayer was very hard, and often the new recruits had lost loved ones to a demon. But never, ever would she have thought that Shinazugawa would do this.
Shinobu let out a sigh.
“Shinazugawa. I need you to focus, okay? Don’t fall asleep. Shinazugawa? Sanemi?” she said, patting his cheek.
Sanemi looked up, his expression haggard. He hadn't caught all the words, but he had managed to understand.
Shinobu was now pressing a clean bandage against his skin. They stayed like that for a long moment, Sanemi losing track. Then he felt Kocho move next to him. She stood up and said:
"Open your eyes, Sanemi, don't fall asleep. I stopped the bleeding, but you've lost a lot of blood, so don't move right away."
Shinobu took out a small vial from her pocket, along with some more bandages.
“I need to disinfect your wounds. This might hurt, so be prepared.”
Sanemi nodded and Shinobu poured disinfectant on her left wrist.
Immediately, a sharp, dry pain invaded his arm. His whole body arched and he had to bite his lip until it bled to keep from screaming. He panted heavily, while Kocho stroked his shoulder with a soothing hand.
“Shh, shh, it’s okay, Sanemi, you don’t have to hide.”
Shinobu released her grip on his wrist and asked again:
“I’m going to disinfect the second one. Ready?”
This time, Sanemi cried out in pain as the product made contact with his skin. Shinobu tightened her grip on his wrist, feeling sorry for the Wind Pillar.
Tears stung Sanemi's eyes, but he refused to let them fall, not in front of Shinobu. She unrolled the bandages and began wrapping them around his forearm.
When she finished, Shinobu smiled sadly and looked into Sanemi's eyes.
“Are you feeling a little better?” she asked.
Sanemi nodded. He had a hard time looking her in the eyes, shame taking over his entire being.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Shinobu said. “And I don’t like it. You don’t have to be ashamed, okay?” she said, leaning towards him.
"But..."
“You’re not the only one who hurts yourself, Sanemi. Many people in the Demon Slayer Corps have done so. I know because I’ve treated some of them.”
"It's not..."
“Isn’t that the same? Just because you’re a Hashira doesn’t mean you have to endure everything in silence, Sanemi.”
Shinobu closed her eyes for a moment then opened them again, her voice cracking slightly.
“Listen... I'm not going to force you to tell me anything, but... I'd like to know... why? Why, Sanemi?”
Sanemi blinked furiously.
"I don't..."
He let a silence pass.
"It's... their memory. My mother, my siblings... they're all dead, all dead except for one little brother who I don't talk to anymore. I just want him out of the Demon Slayer Corps, you know? I want him to be safe!" He sniffled and Shinobu gently took his hand.
“And Masachika... I thought... I thought... he is dead anyway.” Sanemi’s voice cracked as tears finally fell. “And Kanae... I wanted... to tell her, you know? I always loved her, and the day she died, I was going to tell her everything.”
“When did you start cutting yourself?” Shinobu asked softly.
"It was a few weeks ago. I... well, it was a complicated day. A long mission during which I didn't manage to save any children..."
Silence.
“I had my katana. I was alone in my estate. And I felt sick, completely numb! I just... just wanted to feel something, anything. So... I cut myself. It was completely stupid, and I was determined to never let it happen again.”
"But you did it again..."
"Yeah. A week later. I was still alone, still numb, still stupid. I did it again, and I... haven't been able to stop since. I..."
Sanemi couldn't continue. He burst into tears, there, in front of a Pillar, but he no longer had the strength to hide, to pretend. Shinobu hesitated, then gently took him in her arms.
Sanemi's tears quickly dampened Shinobu's haori, but she didn't care. Right now, what mattered was holding him, showing him that she was there, while he was more vulnerable than ever.
“I-I’m so... s-s-sorry...” he moaned.
“Shh. Don’t be. It’s okay now, I’ll help you get through this. We’ll get through this.”
"And t-t-the others? Y-you're going to..."
“I won’t tell them if you don’t want me to.” Shinobu replied, seeming to read his thoughts again.
She held him in her arms for a long time, letting him scream and cry without ever complaining, without ever letting go. Sanemi, for his part, was finally letting go of everything he had held back for all these years. Anger and hatred were giving way to a deep vulnerability that he hated.
Then, after what seemed like hours, Sanemi slowly walked away. He looked up and wiped his eyes with a trembling hand. He whispered:
"T-thank you... Shinobu. I won't give up... I will..."
Sanemi took a breath.
" I'll get through this. "