Chapter Text
Cordelia: If there’s one thing I learned from Trina, it’s to set people’s expectations real low, so you end up surprising them by practically doing nothing at all.
Trina: What are you writing?
Jason: The government wants to know what kind of weapons we have in the house. I'm letting them know it's private information.
Mendel, looking over Jason's shoulder: This just says 'fuck around and find out' in calligraphy.
Trina: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life.
Marvin: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?
Trina: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.
Whizzer: Edible.
Cordelia: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I’ll wait.
Charlotte: You and me!
Cordelia: *tearing up* Ok.
Marvin: I may be stupid.
The Squad: ...
Marvin: Oh, did you think I was going to finish that sentence?
Whizzer: If I fall down these stairs, I'm just going to lay down and accept my fate.
Mendel: There's nothing worse than people using big words they don't understand.
Cordelia: I photosynthesize with this.
Charlotte: I printed up a bunch of fake safety inspection certificates. Go slap one on anything that looks like a lawsuit.
Cordelia: Charlotte, is that legal?
Charlotte: When the cops aren’t around, anything’s legal!
Trina: “I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy” I would. Pussy.
Trina: “I’m not gonna sink to their level” I will. Coward.
Trina: “I’m the bigger person” I’m 150cm tall give me the gun bitch.
Trina, pointing to the wall: What color is this?
Jason: Gray.
Whizzer: Grey.
Trina, turning to Cordelia: Now tell them what color you think it is.
Cordelia: Dark white.
Jason: But seriously, what is the real plan here that has to do with not fucking around?
Mendel: There is no plan that does not involve fucking around. But we will make sure all of our fucking around will be applied in a constructive direction.
Whizzer: Please! Pretend I'm useful!
Whizzer: I love you.
Marvin: I love you too. I've waited so long to hear you say that.
*Whizzer and Marvin kiss passionately*
Trina, to Mendel: You owe me 20 dollars.
Cordelia: I am not a lunatic. I have the psychiatric report to prove it. A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour.
Whizzer: How did none of you hear what I just said?!
Trina: I've been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.
Cordelia: I got distracted halfway through.
Jason: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.
Mendel: Change is inedible.
Whizzer: Don’t you mean inevitable?
Mendel, spitting out a bunch of pennies: No, I really didn’t.
Mendel: If you put 'violently' in front of anything to describe your action, it becomes funnier.
Charlotte: Violently practices.
Jason: Violently studies.
Trina: Violently sleeps.
Whizzer: Violently shoots pictures.
Cordelia: Violently boxes.
Marvin: Violently murders people.
Whizzer: Violently worries about the previous statement.
Jason: Fight me!
Whizzer, standing behind him and holding a knife: *mouths* Do not.
Mendel: Damn, Whizzer, are you secretly cool?
Whizzer: Well, poker is just math, so I guess it depends on if you consider the mathematician, Carl Friedrich Gauss, cool.
Mendel: I do not.
Mendel: I would never say that my partner is a bitch and I don’t don’t like her. That’s not true… My partner is a bitch and I like her so much!
Jason: There is no future. There is no past. Don't you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every fact.
Whizzer: ...All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first.
Charlotte: You know, Marvin gives Whizzer flowers everyday, I wish you'd do that too.
Cordelia: Okay.
*Later*
Cordelia: *gives Whizzer flowers*
Whizzer: ???
Cordelia: I don't know, I'm confused as well.
Cordelia: Am I going too far?
Jason: No, no, no. You went too far about 7 hours ago. Now you’re going to prison.
Trina, opening a Capri Sun: Guess I'll drink my sorrows away.
Jason: Anyone else feel good when their brain releases a bunch of endorphins?
Mendel: Can't relate.
Cordelia: Why would my brain release a bunch of dolphins?
Trina: Time for plan G.
Charlotte: Don’t you mean plan B?
Trina: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.
Mendel: What about plan D?
Trina: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.
Jason: What about plan E?
Trina: I’m hoping not to use it. Cordelia dies in plan E.
Whizzer: I like plan E.
Marvin: What's the most efficient way to burn calories?
Mendel: Exercise more!
Trina: Set yourself on fire.
Whizzer: There are two kinds of people.
Whizzer, Entering Mendel's room: Jason did it again.
Mendel: Peace disturbance?
Whizzer: What no-
Mendel: Arson..?
Whizzer: NO, JESUS CHRIST, HOW MANY-
Mendel: uh....Attempted murder?
Whizzer: NO, HE ATE ALL THE FOOD IN THE FRIDGE, BUT WHAT THE FU-
Cordelia: What kinds of sounds annoy you?
Trina: Are we talking real sounds or imaginary ones?
Cordelia, now interested: Lets say imaginary.
Trina: Spiders wearing flip flops.
Whizzer: Working sucks.
Whizzer: I want to be a malewife where my only responsibilities are being sexy and cute.
Marvin, cowering in fear: What do you want from me?!
Jason, standing in front of Jason: *bites into the whole KitKat bar like a heathen*
Marvin, crying: Please...stop...
Marvin: But that place is haunted.
Whizzer: Ghosts prey on fear. Just be confident!
Marvin, marching into the haunted house: I AM NOT SCARED! I AM NOT A PUSSY!
Whizzer: If karma doesn't hit you, I fucking will.
Cordelia, staring at Trina in a cage: ...Why is she in a cage?
Mendel: Because she growled at me.
Marvin: Oh god, he texted you ‘hi.’’ punctuation only means one thing, Whizzer. He’s mad at you.
Whizzer: No, it's Mendel. He’s just being gramatically correct!
*meanwhile*
Mendel: And then I used a period so he’d know that I'm mad at him.
Charlotte: A period doesn't say 'I'm mad', it says 'you're dead to me'.
Mendel: I stand by my choice.
Whizzer: Hey, how did my phone break?
Cordelia: You were drunk yesterday.
Whizzer: And?
Trina: You threw it.
Whizzer: Why?
Jason: You turned on airplane mode and kept screaming “FLY DAMN YOU!”
Whizzer: And why didn’t you stop me?!
Mendel: We were busy laughing our asses off.
Marvin: Why is there blood everywhere?
Charlotte: I may have aggressively poked someone with a knife.
Marvin: You stabbed someone?!
Charlotte: No, no. I aggressively poked someone with a knife.
Whizzer: I’m a multitasker!
Whizzer: I can disappoint fifteen people at once.
Cordelia: People tell me I have a unique way of lighting up a room.
Marvin: It’s called arson and those people are called witnesses.
Whizzer: Trina doesn’t look very happy.
Jason: That's her happy. She’s just a bitch.
Marvin: Hey, can you do me a favor?
Trina: Sorry, I have to go do literally anything other than this.
Marvin: You don’t even have a legitimate reason?
Trina: Oh, no, I do.
Marvin: Well, what is it?
Trina: You see, I simply don’t give a fuck.
Charlotte: *pitches an idea*
Cordelia, impressed: Huh, there might be something here!
Mendel, under his breath: Yeah, a lawsuit.
Jason: Did you have to stab them?
Whizzer: You weren’t there. You didn’t hear what they said to me.
Jason: What did they say?
Whizzer: "What are you going to do, stab me?"
Jason: That’s fair.
Mendel: If I see a bug, I simply leave the room elegantly and require someone else do something about it.
Mendel: If no one fulfills my wish, I simply never go back in there.
Whizzer: Being gay is a constant battle between "I wish to sit on a window bench with my lover, our legs tangling as we listen to the birds" and "Hey, let's go throw rocks at fascists" and I think that's very sexy of us.
Marvin: If the window's open and you time it right, you can do both.
Marvin: You’re overthinking this.
Trina: You don’t know the appropriate level of thinking, Marvin. What if I’m underthinking?
Mendel: Do you think different paints have different tastes?
Cordelia: They do.
Jason: ...Why did you say that with such certainty?
Charlotte, making a cup of tea: Yeah, get into that leaf juice, you sexy, sexy bee sauce.
Cordelia: Hey, do you take constructive criticism?
Charlotte: I absolutely fucking do not.
Whizzer, skipping rocks on a lake with Marvin: It’s such a beautiful evening.
Marvin: Yeah, it is.
Marvin: *whispering* Take that you fucking lake.
Jason: Do crabs think people walk sideways?
Trina: ...Jason, what the hell.