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Chapter Text

Subaru was blessed with three soulmates. 

The first of his marks is a blue-colored bow, with a white flower in the background. The second one is a beautiful ornate sword hilt: with what looked like dragon claws on the top of the sheath. The third is a simple sword crossing a strange insignia, almost looking like a medieval family crest. 

It’s what originally gets him into Kendo. It’s clear that at least two out of his three soulmates are interested in swords -- or at least maybe into action anime or something -- so maybe he’d meet them in class! 

Sadly, he never meets his soulmates in Kendo. But that’s alright. He knows he’s going to meet them because they’re here. 

A hand on the shoulder, a ruffle of his hair. These ghostly sensations are the result of his soulmates’ presence. It’s a common fact in the world that soulmates are a lot like time travel. By sharing blood with your soulmate, you can return to their past -- and to a small extent, affect it. While viewing the past, the only thing a person can touch is their soulmate, and nothing else. Almost like a time-traveling ghost, they’re brought to the places where they’re needed the most. 

And so, he knows with every encouraging pat and tug on his arm that he meets his soulmates, and they eventually share blood. 

Once the bond is forged, the soulmate won’t appear in their ghostly form anymore -- but they won’t need to, since you have them in person, now. 

All of Subaru’s soulmates feel unique, too. The blue-bow, who he calls “Bluebell”, has hands that are cool and soothing. And he also has the fluffiest hair imaginable, so soft it could almost pass as fur. Whoever Bluebell is, Subaru promises himself to ask what shampoo they use. Whenever Subaru gets a bruise, Bluebell will lay a soothing hand on it, almost like an ice pack. 

The ornate-hilt, who Subaru likes to call “Blanket”, is warm. He radiates heat (and power, Subaru subconsciously understands) and he loves cuddles. Blanket is always the first to show up and hug Subaru whenever he’s feeling lonely. 

The last is the sword-crest mark. Subaru tried to call him “Prince” for his regal attitude, but his soulmate had cuffed him around the ear for it. Subaru wasn’t sure why, it was a good nickname! Subaru huffed and started calling him “Daffodil” in revenge, and it stuck. 

Daffodil was strange, but in a good way. His hands were steady. He tended to support Subaru, but also challenge him: he’d help him up from the ground when he got knocked down, but he was also the first to push him towards other kids to try to get him to socialize and make friends. His hands weren’t warm or cold, but they were the steadiest. 

Not to mention, whenever Subaru was in Kendo, Daffodil consistently appeared to correct his stance until he deemed it sufficient. Even when Subaru quit the sport, he still kept around a wooden sword to practice with, and whenever he brought it out, inevitably Daffodil (and oftentimes Blanket as well) would appear to give him tips. 

Either way, Subaru was glad for his soulmates. He didn’t really have any friends in real-life, with his over-the-top attitude and self-esteem issues driving everyone away. When he quit school, Daffodil tried to tug him to class every morning, but eventually even that failed to encourage him to go. 

Despite how appreciative Subaru was of their help, Subaru’s soulmates appeared surprisingly infrequently in his childhood, that is given that there are three. Subaru didn’t mind though. It’s enough to know that someday, he’d meet someone who’d understand him. 

And then he got isekaied.

Subaru was walking out of the convenience store when the world wobbles and then, suddenly, he’s in Lugnica. 

He’s been transported to another world!  

Subaru is excited, so excited, and--

“Oh my gosh!” Subaru said. “Wait, my soulmates… you must be from here!” 

Daffodil taps his back once in confirmation, Bluebell ruffles his hair. Blanket pats his shoulder. 

“All of you guys must be so confused… and oh, no wonder two of you are swordfighters, you guys are from a medieval fantasy world! And Daffodil, I bet I can identify you with that crest! I bet it’s a real medieval family coat of arms!” Subaru babbles to himself, suddenly even more thrilled with the circumstances. 

Subaru runs into trouble in the alleyway. Daffodil tries to tug him away from danger -- Bluebell tries to sooth his bruises when that doesn’t work. And then, he’s saved by a beautiful half-elf. When Subaru hesitates at the mouth of the alleyway, wanting to run after her as she leaves, Bluebell pushes him towards her. 

Subaru runs forward, and offers to help. 

“My name… is Satella,” the half-elf says after an afternoon of searching. 

Blanket is squeezing Subaru’s arm so hard that Subaru audibly squeaks. 

Satella winces, but it looks like she expected the reaction. 

“Sorry, my soulmate is grabbing my arm really hard right now,” Subaru said. “I don’t think… they like that name?” 

Satella apologizes, and tells him that she’ll explain later. Blanket lets go of his arm and gives an apologetic pat. 

When they get to the loothouse, he feels Blanket’s heat nearby, but Blanket doesn’t touch him. Blanket is flickering, and unsure. Nervous, like he’s not sure what to do. 

Subaru walks in first. Then, he’s cut down. 

All his soulmates are here, as he bleeds out from his stomach. Bluebell’s hands are on his stomach, trying to put pressure on the wound, but Subaru doesn’t think it’s helping and it hurts. He tries to tell Bluebell to stop, but all that comes out is a pained groan. 

Blanket is putting a warm hand on his head, trying to distract from the pain, while Daffodil is squeezing his hand. 

With the hand Daffodil isn’t holding, Subaru reaches out. 

“I’ll… save… you…” 

Then, Subaru’s back. 

He doesn’t understand, he doesn’t get it. But…he has to save Satella! 

He runs towards the loothouse. Daffodil has thrown his arms around his chest and is trying to drag him back, but Subaru can’t let that stop him. He knows it’s dangerous! But he can’t give up now! 

He arrives, and the people he saw dead before are alive. He attempts to barter for the insignia, but he has to wait for Felt and that client to show up. 

While he waits, his soulmates buzz around him in a frenzy. Daffodil still wants him to leave. Blanket agrees. Bluebell has given up on trying to convince him, though, and is simply trying to sooth him, running a hand through his hair. 

Eventually, she arrives-- and--

He’s dying again. 

Bluebell is futilely trying to stop the bleeding again. Blanket is hugging him from behind. Daffodil is gently wiping away his tears. 

But despite his soulmates’ best attempts, all Subaru can focus on is pain. 

When Subaru confronts the thugs in the alleyway and tries to storm past them, Daffodil pokes him in the back, just in time for Subaru to whirl around and avoid being stabbed. 

He dies to Elsa, anyway. 

This final loop, Subaru gets it right. But better yet, he meets a Swordsman called Reinhard. And Reinhard has a beautiful sword -- a sheathed one, with an ornate hilt marked with dragon claws. Subaru knows instantly that this guy is his soulmate. He’s Blanket. 

He almost squeals with excitement. He bounces over to his soulmate. 

“I need to ask you a favor,” Subaru said. “Can you come with me to the loothouse tonight?” 

I’ll tell him I’m his soulmate after this, Subaru said. But I don’t want him to get roped into this if he doesn’t want to. 

But Reinhard does want to, and he comes, and he defeats Elsa. Subaru is so happy, he has the coolest soulmate ever. Subaru turns to Reinhard, opening his mouth, ready to tell Reinhard that they’re soulmates. 

“Watch out!” 

Elsa leaps from the wreckage, Subaru grabs the club and stops her. 

Soon after, Subaru collapses. His opportunity to explain to Reinhard has passed. 

His soulmates are with him near-constantly, now. Subaru supposes that it’s because he always needs them. He’s scared of being alone, he’s still recovering from those awful deaths. He can only sleep with Blanket (Reinhard, the Sword Saint, a knight) pressed up against him, keeping him warm and safe. 

He’s not sure what he’ll do when he finally crosses blood with Reinhard. Since ghostly Reinhard is technically traveling from the future, after they cross blood, Blanket will stop showing up. Maybe Reinhard would be willing to join the Emilia camp and then they could live together? Subaru hoped for that at least. 

Either way, life went on. 

“Do you think you’d let me stay with you? In the real world, I mean?” Subaru asked. They’d developed a system, with one tap for yes and two taps for no, a little harder for emphasis. 

Yes! Blanket replies. 

“Really?” 

Yes. 

“Nah, sorry. I have to stay with Emilia.”

No! 

“She needs me, though.” 

No. 

“No? Nah, I think you just want me to move to your place. Don’t worry, we’ll find each other, then we can hang out and be friends and stuff.” 

Yes. 

Subaru falls asleep blissfully, and wakes up four days earlier. 

“Darn it!” Subaru growled to himself. “Did any of you see what killed me?”

No, Daffodil replies. 

“Were you there?”

Yes, Daffodil says. 

“So… I just spontaneously died in my sleep?”

Yes, Daffodil taps again.

“So it must have been like, poison or something… I’ll ask Beatrice.” 

Despite everything, he dies again. 

Bluebell’s hand is on his forehead, hoping that will help his fevered state. Blanket is rubbing circles into his back after he throws up. Daffodil is trying to get him up, trying to encourage him to run or to get help, Subaru’s not sure which. 

Subaru takes a split-second to wonder, as he lies limp on the ground, if someday he’ll get so used to dying that not every soulmate will show up all the time. 

Then the rest of Subaru is torn to pieces, and he wakes up screaming in front of the maids again, giving them a scare. His soulmates are still with him, even after he’s calmed down and tried to fix his mistake by being nice to Emilia and the twins. 

“Did you guys see who it was that time?” Subaru asks his soulmates in a whisper, as he’s doing his chores. This time, Daffodil taps out Yes on his shoulder. Subaru’s breath hitches. 

“So who was it? A shaman?” Subaru says. He knows that Daffodil can’t answer directly, and yet, Subaru finds Daffodil lifting his hand. To his slight horror, Daffodil slowly directs it until it points directly at someone in the same room. She’s turned around right now, cutting vegetables.

Subaru lets the hand drop before she sees it. But he gets the message. 

No… it can’t be… 

Rem?

Chapter Text

So the culprit is Rem. 

He decides that in this loop, he’ll hide with Beatrice in the library after begging for her protection, which she surprisingly agrees to give. Knowing that it’s Rem, he has no reason to worry about the rest of the Mansion, as the attacker comes from the inside. Maybe if he just doesn’t cause trouble, Rem will stop trying to kill him. He hides, and he knows his soulmates approve of his decision from their approving pats and hair ruffles. 

But then Rem dies. 

So the shaman and Rem aren’t the same person, Subaru realizes, horrified. Rem killed me, for some reason, but the curse is unrelated…! 

His soulmates are all horrified by his decision to die for Rem after he sees Ram’s heart-wrenching grief. Bluebell grabs onto his arm so hard it’s bruising, tapping No No No No No out on his shoulder. Blanket has his fingers laced with Subaru’s, and Subaru knows it’s a silent plea to stop. Daffodil is in front of him, trying to physically block him from going any further. 

But they’re just ghosts. They can’t stop him. 

Subaru jumps. 

Bluebell doesn’t appear for a while after that. 

He saves the village kids, solves the loop, bonds with Rem, and even gets some answers from Beatrice about the Witch’s Scent that explains why Rem wanted to kill him in the first place. Subaru appreciates the answers, he didn’t know if he’d ever get any. 

But Bluebell was gone. 

Daffodil was with him as the Mabeasts attacked, giving him taps as warnings to where danger was coming from. Blanket gave him a strong hand on the shoulder as reassurance when Beatrice told him he was doomed to die again of Mabeast curses. But Bluebell? Where was he?

The sixth night Bluebell hasn’t shown up, Subaru shatters and cries into Blanket. 

(In his childhood, six nights without Bluebell wouldn’t be a concern, but his soulmates have been here so often in the new world, he feels like Bluebell’s avoiding him. And… he can’t deal with his soulmates not liking him. They’re the only thing that keeps him sane.) 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” Subaru repeats tearfully, as Blanket holds him. He doesn’t really know what he’s apologizing for. Not listening to Bluebell? Upsetting him? All he knew is that he needed him. “Please don’t leave me…” 

Bluebell appears, though. Flicks him, then pets him. All is forgiven. Subaru sobs again.

The deaths slow down then. Subaru doesn’t die again for two whole months! His soulmates are still there very often, though. They don’t like Rem. They try to steer him away from Rem as much as possible. Subaru sometimes listens to their advice just to placate them, but Rem’s practically falling all over him right now. She’s not gonna kill him again. 

“Sorry this is taking so long,” Subaru whispers to them. “I’m sure you guys didn’t expect to be with me in the past so much in real time.” He knew it was odd for soulmates to be there almost constantly, they were only supposed to show up when you needed help or were in distress. (It was probably a product of Subaru always being in emotional distress, though Subaru didn’t dwell on it.)

No, Daffodil taps. Yes. 

“You didn’t expect it, but you don’t mind?” Subaru guesses. 

Yes, Daffodil says. 

“Thanks, Daffs,” Subaru says. “That’s nice of you. And maybe things are looking up for me now! I’m excited to see the Capital soon. Reinhard might be there!”

Daffodil gives Subaru a very awkward pat. 

Bluebell gives Subaru a chiding punch in the arm when he insults Julius to his face, but Subaru still hates him! Julius seems like the worst kind of pompous ass. Bluebell punches him again when he picks a fight with Julius in front of everyone. 

Ow, Bluebell. I’m doing my best out here, Subaru thinks. 

But Daffodil and Blanket are both oddly silent during his duel with Julius. One of them usually shows up whenever he holds a sword. 

Before it starts, Subaru whispers to himself, a bit nervous. “Daffodil?”

Daffodil gives him a pat on the shoulder. 

Ah, he’s here. Just watching. 

Subaru stances up against Julius. 

Inexplicably, Julius looks offended at his stance alone. 

“Mimicking my family’s style against me?” Julius said, raising an eyebrow. “You have some nerve.”

Subaru had no idea what he was talking about. “Tch. You’re seeing things.” 

Either way, once the duel begins in earnest, Subaru has no chance. 

“Your technique isn’t half-bad,” Julius conceded. “I’m surprised at your ability to copy it so easily. However, it’s quite obvious you lack experience in serious duels.” 

After the duel, Bluebell flicks him in the forehead and then acts as his ice pack. 

Daffodil still stands awkwardly to the side.

Subaru fights with Emilia, and trains with Wilhelm-san to get out his aggression. 

He actually thinks he improves a lot! If that asshole Julius was right about one thing, it was that there wasn’t a lot of opportunity to properly spar in his past life, since Daffodil could only touch him and not pick up a sword. Wilhelm points out a lot of errors in Subaru’s stance, but to Subaru it doesn’t seem like he’s an entirely hopeless case, like it might have been if he didn’t have Daffodil and Blanket giving him expert pointers. 

“Strangely enough, your style is quite similar to Julius-dono’s,” Wilhelm mentions. “Though, I do see elements of a different familiar style as well… tell me, have you ever learned from an Astrea?” 

“Astrea?” Subaru says. “Reinhard counts, right?” 

Wilhelm seems surprised at this. “You’ve met him?”

“Well, my soulmark has his sword sheath on it!” Subaru says. “You know, the one he carries around? So I think it’s him. And sometimes my soulmates give me pointers.” 

“Reinhard’s soulmark is indeed the sheathed Dragon Sword Reid,” Wilhelm says. “That would explain your knowledge of the Astrea Family Swordplay. Ah, and Julius-dono’s…” Wilhelm seems to come to some realization. 

“What?” Subaru says, confused by what Wilhelm meant. 

“Nevermind,” Wilhelm says, diplomatically. “It is not my place to say. Let us start again.” 

Subaru learns what Wilhelm was thinking of later that afternoon, in his healing session. 

“Nya!” Felix exclaims excitedly. “Look!” 

Felix pokes Subaru’s soulmarks, scattered on his lower back.  

“That’s kinda rude,” Subaru complains. 

“You’re my soulmate!” Felix exclaims. “The flower’s mine!” 

Felix hikes up his dress until Subaru can see his thigh--which has soulmarks of ornate-hilt and sword-crest, as well as an additional one: a circle, half-orange and half-back. 

“The circle’s me, it must be,” Subaru murmurs. Subaru breaks into a grin. “So even if I didn’t run into Reinhard again, I found another one!” 

“You knew about Reinhard?”

“It’s pretty obvious once you see his sword. I wanted to see him again in the Capital but I never ended up getting the chance. Have you found who the last person is?”

Felix, out of nowhere, gives a nervous laugh. “Um. Yeah,” Felix says. 

“What?” Subaru says, impatiently. 

“It’s… it’s Julius.” 

“IT’S WHAT?!” Subaru shouts. “WAIT, how is that… are you messing with me?!”

“No,” Felix says. “I’m serious. It’s Julius.” 

“NO, that’s why he accused me of copying his family’s style, because my soulmate’s been giving me tips on swordfighting!” Subaru thinks, putting his head in his hands. “Fuck! But I hate him though!” 

“Don’t talk that way about your soulmate,” Felix says, but he’s grinning. “But anyway, I’m sure you’ll like him eventually.”

So Felix is ‘Bluebell’, Reinhard is ‘Blanket’, and Julius is ‘Daffodil.’ 

Hah. No wonder Daffodil had seemed so awkward during the Capitol. 

“We should cross blood soon,” Felix continues. 

Subaru feels a spike of alarm. 

“I don’t know…” he mumbles. 

“Nya, are you embarrassed?” Felix says playfully. 

“In a way,” Subaru confessed. Would Felix remember? Would someone finally know about Return by Death? Subaru was petrified by the uncertainty, a strange buzzing anxiety edged with cautious hope. “--We’ll have to at some point,” Subaru says vaguely.

Felix frowns slightly, but doesn’t comment.

Being soulmates with his opponent’s knight turned out to be surprisingly useless. At least when it came to making a deal with Crusch so he could save Emilia from the Witch’s Cult. 

“If you wish to negotiate, you need to show me what I stand to gain,” Crusch says.

And why should he have assumed otherwise? Crusch couldn’t waste her resources on an enemy who had nothing to give her, even if that enemy was the soulmate of her subordinate. 

“Otherwise, there is nothing to negotiate.” 

Even the soulmate of a dear friend. 

“Should I accept that proposal, it would mean Emilia drops out of the Royal Selection.” 

Felix stood behind Crusch loyally, arms crossed neatly behind his back. Nothing in his expression or posture gave away any sympathy for Subaru.

Subaru could feel Bluebell standing behind him in a mirrored pose, the slight cold radiating off him giving him away -- it gave him a little boldness. But when Subaru’s rage got the better of him and he started spitting insults at the Crusch camp, Bluebell gently placed his hand over Subaru’s mouth. 

Subaru almost growls aloud at Bluebell and Felix over split loyalties, ready to call both of them traitors, but with stark clarity he realizes that Bluebell has already lived through this meeting. If Subaru manages not to die during this loop, that means Felix knows for certain that this is not helping. 

Subaru abruptly shuts up halfway through his insane rant. It isn’t enough. 

“You adamantly believe your rantings are true. That is nothing short of madness,” Crusch said.  

There was no hope for help from Crusch.

Priscilla was a bust as well, but at least from Anastasia he gets a dragon-drawn carriage, at the small price of being tricked by her. 

As Rem went to get the carriage, Subaru paced around in a huff over his and Anastasia’s tense encounter. 

“Julius, I know you were there,” Subaru said to the ghostly shadow who’d spent the day treading on his heels. “Why didn’t you warn me about her?”

Julius -- Daffodil -- drew careful letters on his skin.

L. E. S. S. O. N.

“What the hell, you bastard?!” Subaru hissed at him. “Did you want me to get humiliated? Is that it? You enjoy it?”

Julius tapped a quick No before continuing his letters.

S. H. E.    H. E. L. P.

Julius moved Subaru’s pointer finger to the note that Anastasia had given him that had allowed them to get the carriage. 

+. A. D. V. I. C. E.

“Well her advice sucked and I hate her,” Subaru muttered petulantly. “What kind of soulmate are you, anyway?”

Julius tugged sharply on his ear. 

“Ow ow okay! She helped, she helped, fine…” 

Julius let go of his ear and tapped him on the nose. The message felt very clear. Behave. 

Subaru sighed and buried his face in his hands. 

The fact that it was Julius saying it made him want to punch him, but the fact that it was Daffodil made him want to sit down and listen. It was hard to reconcile that the two were the same person. 

Whatever. That was a future Subaru problem. He needed to save Emilia.  

Subaru learned two more important things from that loop.

The White Whale-- and the Witch. The Witch wouldn’t forgive him if he told others. 

Emilia collapsed dead just moments after Subaru’s confession, and he clutches at her body.  

“Please kill me. Right here,” he pleads with Beatrice as she walks in. 

Maybe if this had been in his first few loops, one of his soulmates would have slapped a hand over his mouth to try and stop it. By now, they were numb to it. Or so Subaru thought. Maybe they’d just finally see what scum he’d become. Maybe they’d finally realized that Emilia was worth more than him. 

Beatrice harshly refuses and teleports him outside, which is when Betelguese and Puck appear. Though Betelguese doesn’t survive long against the Beast of the End. 

“Are you… Puck?” Subaru asked the giant catlike monster. 

“Can’t you tell?” It was a rhetorical question. 

Daffodil’s grip tightens around his arm as the true identity of the ‘Beast of the End’ became apparent, and snow and ice filled the air. 

Reinhard lays on top of him, curling heat and power around him to fend off the snowstorm, even though he knows full well that he can’t stop Subaru from dying in his reduced ghostly state. His efforts only extend Subaru’s life by around a minute. 

--Subaru doesn’t understand why they keep trying. 

Running away with Rem should be impossible, because it would mean he’s leaving his soulmates to quite possibly die -- so how would they travel back in time to be his ghosts?

It should be impossible, but it isn’t. People have experimented. Refusing to cross blood, even when they have soul ghosts -- an attempted time paradox. 

Fate can always be changed, and nothing is technically impossible, but if you stray too far, strange things will begin to happen. Your connections to your soulmates will get thin. Your soul ghosts might change in personality, or change entirely. You might lose your marks. It’s all very risky. 

At this point, Subaru doesn’t care. He asks Rem to run away with him. 

Rem convinces him to stay. (He can tell it’s a sigh of relief for all three soulmates, who were probably wondering if they were about to get obliterated from existence.) 

When Subaru comes up with the idea to ask Crusch to fight the White Whale, Bluebell gives him a long, relieved hug -- and that’s how he knows that plan is the right choice. 

Chapter Text

Negotiations with Crusch were terrifying, but he got her to agree. And finally, the real-life Felix was looking at him with excitement again instead of apathy. 

“Given we will be fighting the White Whale in less than two days,” Felix said. “Don’t you think we should finally cross blood?” 

“Now?” Subaru asked. “Is it really a good time?” 

“Yeah, I think it is,” Felix said. “I mean, no time like the present.” 

“I must concur,” Wilhelm said. “There’s no point in tempting fate. Forging the bond before the battle is probably the safest idea.” 

In case either of us dies or is erased by the Whale’s fog, you mean, Subaru thought. It might be a good idea. But… 

But his case was complicated by the Witch of Envy. 

He’d already thought about it. If Julius, Felix, and Reinhard were all in his past, that means there was the chance for all of them to bond with him. And if that was the case, it meant that the Witch of Envy hadn’t crushed the hearts of his friends after they’d learned. (Because if she had, Subaru would have never allowed his other soulmates to cross blood with him.)

Not to mention, his soulmates had all seen the Witch grab Emilia’s heart, even if all they could do was watch in horror. Even if Reinhard’s heat hadn’t been enough to ward off the Beast of the End’s lethal chill. 

And yet none of his soulmates were trying to stop him from forging the bond. He was pretty sure Daffodil and Blanket were present right now, just standing off to the side. Yet he made no attempt to interfere. 

Did that mean they knew it would be safe? 

If he was right, this was his one chance for someone to learn his secret. 

If he was wrong… then, well. Satella might kill Felix, in which case he would kill himself. Horrible… but it would be like it never happened. 

“Just to warn you, my past is pretty dark,” Subaru said.  

Felix’s face got more serious. “So is mine.” 

Felix nicked his palm, then passed the knife to Subaru. Subaru did the same, and the two clasped palms. 

The world exploded in color. 

Subaru opened his eyes, and he was in a dark room. A basement?

He found Felix quickly, sniffling alone in the dark. He was so small -- tiny! How old was he? And why was he trapped in this dingy basement by himself?

Subaru put a hand on a shoulder to introduce himself. 

Felix startled, squeaking in surprise. He tried to place his own hand where Subaru’s was, but it passed right through. 

Felix seemed baffled by the concept of Subaru, which Subaru thought made sense given he was barely more than a baby. If Subaru had to guess, he was--what, two years old? Either way, Felix was a curious child, and came to accept the concept of Subaru after a few minutes. 

Then, Felix’s stomach gurgled. Felix whined, looking disappointed at the lack of food. 

“Kid, where are your caretakers?!” Subaru cursed to himself. What kind of parent left their toddler in a dirty lightless basement all by themselves? 

Subaru wanted to intervene, but he didn’t have the ability to move objects. 

So Subaru did what he thought was right at the moment -- he pulled the tiny Felix onto his lap. Felix let out an adorable confused mrrr at the contact, but settled down quickly, curling into Subaru, leaning his head against his chest. 

When Subaru faded out of the memory, Felix’s parents still hadn’t arrived.

Subaru was in the basement again. Felix was still here. 

“No, no, no…” Subaru growled. “Where are your parents?” 

Subaru reached out and touched Felix again. 

Felix let out an excited gasp and reached out. He passes right through Subaru, but Subaru gives him a pat to let him know he’s still there. 

Subaru played a little bit with Felix. Felix didn’t know many words yet, but they created a little game. Felix would point somewhere on his body and Subaru would give it a little poke. Felix would giggle at that. When they were done playing, Subaru tried to comb down Felix’s wild hair a little. 

Then, Subaru was gone again.

Subaru eventually figured out why Felix was down in the basement, after several visits. His parents put him there, because of how he looked. His demi-human features. 

Subaru was… angry. 

If Felix’s parents were still alive in the present, Subaru was going to kill them. 

They gave Felix food, but never enough. They paid him so little attention, and Felix paid a heavy price for their neglect. He was dirty, and thin. Subaru always tried to comb through Felix’s fur, no matter how matted, it was a bonding activity now -- but he couldn’t do anything to keep Felix clean, or give Felix food, or anything. Felix was only five.  

Subaru, Julius, and Reinhard (Subaru could sense the presence of the others sometimes) could ease Felix’s isolation, they could try to improve his state of mind, but they weren’t equipped to care for him. 

Subaru just felt so… useless. 

Even Reinhard and Julius were doing more than him. Reinhard could keep Felix warm, the only true physical benefit -- keeping him alive and safe on cold winter nights. Julius encouraged Felix to regularly stretch and run around, preventing muscle atrophy. Julius taught Felix the best places to hide. What food to eat immediately and what food to squirrel away. How best to shield his face from blows. 

Subaru was never around as long as Julius, and he didn’t know half as much as him, anyway. 

But he kept playing little games with Felix, and combing his hair, and letting him sit on his lap, because it was all he could do. 

Felix didn’t talk much, usually only having minimal verbal interactions with servants. He knew some words, but seemed to prefer to communicate in growls, grunts and meows. But Felix did talk sometimes, to his soulmates (and Subaru did think that him having someone to talk to was helping his verbal development, if only a little). 

Eventually, once, when Felix was getting sad and frustrated, he yelled out, “Dada!” 

Subaru’s heart shattered. Your dad doesn’t deserve you, Subaru thought hotly. He approached Felix and gave him a tap on the shoulder. 

Felix’s face lit up with relief. “Dada,” he said. There you are, Felix’s tone said. 

Wait…

“Dada, hug,” Felix ordered. 

Subaru slowly wrapped Felix into a hug. 

“Yes!” Felix said. “Thanks.” 

Subaru’s eyes watered slightly. 

Damn it, why am I so touched at someone calling me dad? 

But Subaru wasn’t going to complain. He was going to dad the hell out of this kid until someone else stepped up. 

Luckily, that day would come. 

“Biehn Argyle,” she said, voice dangerous. “What is this?” 

Crusch! Subaru sprang up with excitement. Yes, Crusch, do something! 

“Young lady, he’s-- he’s just demi-human, and--” 

“He’s your son!” Crusch snarled. 

Crusch wasn’t much older than Felix himself, but she was flanked by several intimidating guards that lent her words weight. 

Crusch went forward to meet Felix. “Hello, what’s your name?” Crusch asked. 

Felix was nervous, but Subaru nudged him forward. 

“Felix,” Felix said, a bit shy. His pronunciation of vowels was a bit off, having never really learned how to speak properly. 

“Well, Felix, how about coming with me?”

Subaru was feeling much better about the situation. 

Felix was clean and ate food and slept in a comfortable bed instead of a dirty cot. He had proper parental figures in Duke Meckart Karsten and his wife Helena Karsten, as the couple practically adopted Felix as their own. 

Things weren’t perfect -- Felix clearly still held many mental scars from his time in the Argyle Estate. But things were better. Subaru did his best to be encouraging. 

“Stop worrying about me, Circles,” a ten-year-old Felix swatted Subaru’s hand away, after Subaru poked him for the millionth time to check if he was okay. “I’m fine. Miss Helena is taking good care of me. I don’t need you hovering all the time.” 

Subaru sighed. Wasn’t this type of thing supposed to happen in the teenager phase? That said, Subaru was relieved that Felix was in a better place now. He had an education, a good life, and mindful adoptive parents. Subaru gave Felix an absentminded pat on the head in acknowledgement. 

“Um, but you’ll still stick around though, right?” Felix asked, suddenly seeming a bit anxious. Subaru squeezed his arm in assurance. 

Felix was starting his knight training. 

He’d already begun to excel in healing, but now his training to enter the Royal Knights began in earnest. Felix was excellent, but he often faced prejudice for his demi-human features, his newfound penchant for wearing women’s clothing, and his total lack of fighting ability. 

Subaru did his best to be encouraging, though, even though he couldn’t correct Felix’s form or anything like Julius had done for him. Like Julius was doing in-person for Felix, as they had finally met, and become friends. 

The dragon-claw hilt and the Juukulius family crest were both obvious symbols, so Felix was easily able to find his soulmates and become fast friends. They shared blood, too, shortly before Felix’s knighting ceremony. 

“The only one left is our fourth,” Felix murmured, the day after. Felix’s backstory had hit Julius and Reinhard hard, badly exhausting Julius in particular, but it seemed like something in their pasts had affected Felix as well. 

“The orange and black circle is nondescript, but they should be able to find us through our defining marks, just as you did,” Julius said. 

“Soon,” Felix said. “Hopefully soon.” 

Felix makes friends with Fourier, an actual prince. Subaru wonders if this is why Julius hadn’t liked it when Subaru called him “Prince.” 

Because Subaru didn’t forget the fact there was a Royal Selection happening. 

Fourier was doomed to die. Felix would be heartbroken. 

The illness was already starting to take the Royal Family down. 

Felix tried to save Fourier, but not even his healing magic can halt the inevitable. He cried into Subaru’s shoulder one more time-- something he hadn’t done in years, before resigning himself to the truth… that Fourier was dead.

The Royal Selection started not long after.

Crusch is a Candidate, so Felix immediately swore his loyalty to her, his most precious friend. Subaru gave him a strong pat on the back in approval as he does it -- Crusch is a good person, and Felix was making a good choice, even if Subaru supports Emilia instead. 

Subaru blinked, and he wasn’t in Felix’s past.

He was back. Back in the room! Subaru felt like it had been a long time. 

Subaru turned to Felix, who was standing across from him -- just as Felix turned away, looking incredibly ill, and stumbled towards the door. 

“Felix?” Crusch murmured. 

Felix propped himself up against the wall, dry-heaving over the waste basket. Both Crusch and Wilhelm looked incredibly concerned. 

He saw my deaths… and the Witch hasn’t killed anyone!

Subaru’s heart leaped with joy. But also caution. If Felix said anything wrong, it was possible he would provoke her into appearing. 

“Felix, make sure not to say anything about-” 

“I remember,” Felix said. “I was there. Ugh. I feel awful.” 

“Are you… okay?” Crusch asked. “What happened?”

“What happened? Subaru’s life happened!” Felix said, turning on Subaru. “Oh Od, your life is so bad.” Felix heaves again, and slaps a hand against his mouth to avoid throwing up.  

“Uh… well…” Subaru couldn’t really deny it. Normally he would, but Crusch was right there, and she’d know he was lying. “Yours was pretty bad too.”

“It’s not the same! My life was bad, yours still is bad, present-tense!” Felix said, standing up. He turned to Crusch and Wilhelm. “We’re keeping him. Forever.” 

“Keeping me?” Subaru said. “Uh, I kinda have to get back to Emilia. Um.” 

“Emilia cannot be worth it,” Felix said. “Care about your own well-being for once! We wouldn’t--” kill you was the natural end to the sentence, but Felix cut himself off, knowing of the taboo. “You’d be safer with us,” he corrected himself. 

“Subaru, if I may, what is he talking about?” Crunch said. 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Subaru said. “Felix, please stop making them curious about things I don’t plan on explaining!” 

From the Emilia Camp’s perspective, they’d taken in Subaru at his lowest, and been pretty decent to him from then on. Felix was entirely sincere in his disgust for them after seeing Subaru’s deaths at the hands of Rem and the curses, but he didn’t want Crusch to confront the Emilia Camp about mistreating him -- they’d only be confused. So Subaru didn’t particularly appreciate Felix dramatizing the awfulness of his life when he couldn’t tell anyone that he died. It just brought people to the wrong conclusion. 

“Fine, nya,” Felix grumbled. “But you and I are talking about this later!”

Wilhelm and Crusch exchanged a glance. 

“We’ve gotta get ready for the Whale fight, right?” Subaru said. “No time for distractions.” 

“Indeed,” Wilhelm said, and the subject was dropped. 

Once Subaru had left, the conversation of what Felix had seen came back up almost immediately. 

“Felix, what were you referencing with Subaru?” Crusch said. “If you think you can tell us about it, of course.” 

Felix was completely willing to oblige. 

“His camp doesn’t care about him!” Felix hissed. “Once when he was cursed by Mabeasts, instead of hunting down the Mabeasts with their combined power so he would live, Ram and Beatrice were just going to let him die until Roswaal showed up! And that’s what I can actually talk about… there’s stuff Subaru wouldn’t want me to get into that’s worse…” 

Crusch found herself somewhat troubled by Felix’s statements. While she couldn’t be completely sure what Felix was talking about, there were only a few things that would inspire such a visceral reaction. Honestly, the most likely scenario was that Subaru was being severely abused or mistreated somehow. Even though the camp had seemed fine towards him while she was around, it would definitely fit Subaru’s self-esteem issues. 

From the way Wilhelm was gripping his sword, Crusch knew he had also come to a bad conclusion like that as well. 

“We can’t force him to come with us,” Crusch said. “Ultimately, it’s up to him.” 

“Maybe I can get him to go to Reinhard,” Felix said. “He was thinking of going to join Reinhard in the beginning.” 

A statement like that made things worse -- it meant that it wasn’t that Felix selfishly wanted Subaru near him, Felix just wanted him out. Crusch was getting even more unsettled. 

“I’ll speak with him,” Wilhelm said, in a tone that Crusch knew meant I will browbeat him into changing his mind. “In the meantime, we should prepare for the next leg of our journey.” 

“You’re right,” Felix said, sighing. “We’ve got a White Whale to fight, after all.” 

 “Try not to get lost in your troubles,” Wilhelm advised. “We need you focused during the battle.” 

“Don’t worry, Old Man Wil,” Felix said. “With everything set up the way it is… I don’t think it’s possible for us to lose.” 

Chapter Text

Julius rode alongside Felix, towards the Mathers Domain. They’d recently finished a strategy meeting to discuss their plans for fighting the Witch’s Cult, one that was led by his former rival (and now apparent soulmate?!) Natsuki Subaru. 

After the meeting, Felix’s mood had plummeted. He was pretending to be relaxed, but his fang was worrying at his lip, and the tip of his tail was irately twitching. 

“Felix, is something wrong?” Julius asked.

Felix let out a long sigh. “Does Subaru seem… too knowledgeable to you?”

“Huh?”

“He knows that Sloth can possess him. He knows that we’re going to find a spy,” Felix rambled. “Don’t you think that’s-- I mean, how would he even learn any of that? And during our strategy meeting, he was zoning out. I just wonder…”

“Surely you don’t suspect him of being a witch cultist,” Julius said sharply.

“No- no, I don’t,” Felix said. “Just ignore what I said.” 

“Ignore--?”

“It’s nothing,” Felix said suddenly. “It doesn’t matter.” 

Felix urged his ground dragon forward, leaving Julius behind.

Julius frowned. 

“Circle-san, or should I say Subaru…” Julius kept his voice low enough that the people riding nearby wouldn’t be able to hear. “If what Felix is saying truly has no meaning, give me one tap to confirm. Two otherwise.” 

Julius furrowed his brow when there was no reply.

Odd. He technically didn’t ‘need’ Subaru’s ghostly presence around right now, but in spite of that, Circle-san typically appeared whenever he was called for by name. Was Circle-san ignoring him? 

Julius sighed deeply. 

There’s something strange about this whole situation I just don’t understand. Maybe, when Subaru and I finally cross blood, I’ll get it. 

Chapter Text

Circle-san was a calming presence. 

He was like a soft curtain of shadow falling over one’s vision. It was always easier to sleep when he was nearby. 

It was a bit misleading, though, since Circle-san’s actions were always daring at best and terribly reckless at worst. In that way, Circle-san matched exactly what he thought of Subaru.

Subaru, oh Subaru. 

The most damning part wasn’t how Subaru himself told Julius to kill him to stop Betelguese. It wasn’t even how Felix, another soulmate, used his magic to stop Subaru and then shouted at Julius with tears streaming down his face. 

The worst part was how Circle-san, his last remaining ghostly specter, took his sword hand and steadied it in the direction of Subaru’s possessed body. 

Julius struck down towards the possessed Subaru. He struck true-- Subaru was dying quickly. His life would only last a moment longer. He would have to act fast. 

Julius brought the sword, soaked in Subaru’s blood, up to his hand. 

He owed Subaru this much. To comfort him and be there for him in his past, even as his future was running short. It was his own lack of virtue that caused this situation in the first place. He owed it to Subaru to do everything he possibly could as reparation. 

Felix seemed to realize what he was doing at the last possible moment. His expression was suddenly overtaken by horror. 

“JULIUS! NO--!” 

Julius slit his hand open. 

Chapter Text

Subaru blinked. He looked around at the quaint cottage house he was in. Rain faintly tapped against the side of the house. 

Wait… but just a second ago, I was fighting Betelguese with Julius. 

There was a peal of laughter. A tiny child with a mop of purple hair sat on the kitchen floor, playing with a worn toy top. A woman with soft blue hair and the same nose as Julius was bustling around in the kitchen, humming a warm tune. 

Don’t tell me… our blood accidentally got mixed at some point?!

Fuck… what happens when we cross blood in a doomed timeline? 

Well… soulmates were like magic, right? Maybe Julius would remember. Or maybe he and Julius would gain the ability to cross blood twice? After all, Felix being able to learn about Return by Death meant that soulmates were some kind of exception to Satella’s rules, right? Maybe? 

Subaru gnawed on his lip. He turned to the child Julius, trying to forget his conundrum, at least for the time being. 

“So even you can be a cute and innocent kid, isn’t that right?” Subaru said, crouching down besides Julius. “I wouldn’t have thought you’d have grown up here, though. Probably some castle with how stuck-up you are.” 

Actually, hadn’t Julius lived in a mansion when he and Emilia had been in the capital? 

This is probably his summer house, or something, Subaru decided, dismissing his worry. Right now, Julius looked like he was… what, five? So tiny and cute. 

Subaru lightly took tiny Julius’ hand. 

“Gwah!” Julius said, startling. 

“What is it, dear?” the woman asked. 

“Somebody touched my hand!” Julius said, pointing aggressively at the hand Subaru was holding.

Subaru ruffled Julius’ hair. 

Julius squeaked. “Again! Mama, it happened again!” 

“I saw your hair move, that time,” she said, putting down her bowl. “That must be one of your soulmates. You have three marks, after all.” 

“They’re here!?” 

“I can’t see them or touch them,” she said. “But they can touch you. It’s their job to watch after you until you’re big enough to watch after yourself.” 

“But I’m already four and one halfs years old,” Julius protested. 

Julius’ mom laughed and lifted Julius onto her lap. 

Subaru relaxed, watching the domestic bliss. This was so much better than being in Felix’s past. Finally, there was a simple happy kid, just how things should be. Plus, as a rich kid, Julius would be super privileged, right? He’d probably be able to sit back and relax until Julius entered the knighthood. Easy. 

Strangely, it seemed like Julius lived in this house full-time. Subaru was called there season after season, and they still lived in the little cottage. 

Well, whatever. Maybe Julius’ parents preferred the simple life, and it was Julius’ grandparents who were running that big Capital Mansion at this point in time. 

Julius was growing quickly, sprouting from a tiny four-and-a-half-year-old to a gangly ten-year-old. He was by all means, a normal healthy child -- one who played kickball with his friends outside and helped his mom around the house. 

He’s strong, Subaru noted. He could carry around heavy furniture at ten one-handed. But he hasn’t started training with a sword yet. Well, I suppose ten is a bit young to start, right?

“It’s raining a lot,” Julius said. “I wonder when Mom and Dad will come home. They said I should stay here, since it’s too dangerous to go outside for me…” 

Subaru waited. Felix and Reinhard were here too -- he could feel them, faintly -- and the three of them took turns entertaining Julius. 

Subaru didn’t want to think about it too much, but why were all of them here? Surely Julius wasn’t that bored, right?

His parents didn’t come home, even as day turned to night. Felix wrangled Julius into nightclothes and into his bed instead of letting him wait in the kitchen all night.

“Mom and Dad will be fine, right?” Julius asked before he went to bed. 

Subaru didn’t answer. He didn’t know. 

The news came the next day. 

“I’m sorry, but your parents-- they passed away in the flash flood. They were helping others, trying to help evacuate--” 

Oh Julius, Subaru thought, with sudden hollowness. Why didn’t you ever tell me you were adopted? 

First, Julius had screamed, until his throat had given out. Then, he’d quietly wept until he ran out of tears. Eventually, the man at the door had managed to convince him inside a dragon carriage, after showing him a family seal. Now, he stood in front of his uncle with red-rimmed eyes, looking half-dead. 

“I am Alviero, your uncle,” the man said. He bore a striking resemblance to Julius, with light purple hair and yellow eyes -- as well as to Julius’ father. “As the head of House Juukulius, I would like to take you into my household.” 

“I didn’t know that Dad was related to any nobles…” Julius mumbled. Subaru had his arm protectively around Julius’ shoulders. His voice sounded like two sheets of sandpaper rubbing together. Felix was present to sooth it with a hand over the throat.

“He preferred to live as a commoner with his wife,” Alviero offered. “I believe they were happy. I offer my deepest condolences for what happened.”

“Um… okay,” Julius mumbled. 

Subaru’s heart snapped. Julius was so little and so helpless, standing in this strange man’s foyer with no one else to take care of him. And yet, Subaru could tell that Alviero’s sharp yellow eyes were softened with care. 

Alviero crouched down to Julius’ level. “You’ll have a younger brother, you would be the elder. You can learn to be a knight, like others in our house. I will do everything I can to do right by you.” 

“Okay…”

A younger brother?! Subaru felt alarmed by this development. He’d never heard of this younger brother, so he hoped he hadn’t died by the time the future rolled around. 

A few of the servants showed Julius to his room. Julius crawled into his new bed and curled up into a ball. Subaru sat next to him silently.

“Are things going to be okay?” 

Subaru tapped Yes into his shoulder. 

“Are you sure? What if Mister Alviero is a bad guy?”

Subaru turned Julius’ hand to point towards him, then towards the decorative sword on the wall -- it was behind glass, of course, but Subaru’s point was still clear. 

“Awah!? You’ll stab him!?” 

Subaru tapped him three times.

“Is it three taps for ‘maybe’? You’ll maybe stab him? Circle-san, don’t be so scary…” 

Subaru hugged Julius carefully, giving him a gentle squeeze. 

“Hey, do you think my new brother will like me?”

Subaru tapped three times again.

“Another maybe? How do you not know if my brother will be nice or not? Aren’t you my soulmate from the future and stuff?” 

I don’t know, Julius, you’re the one who didn’t tell me shit before we crossed blood! Subaru thought, mildly annoyed. 

Subaru just gave Julius a pat on the head. 

“You’re so frustrating…” Julius pouted.

He was so cute. It took everything for Subaru to not pinch his cheeks. 

Joshua, Julius’ new younger brother, didn’t take an immediate liking to Julius, but warmed up to him as time passed. Joshua was a bookish little fellow with some kind of chronic illness that didn’t allow him to exercise or move too much. But Subaru wondered if keeping him cloistered was doing more harm than good. The biggest thing holding back his and Julius’ relationship right now was the way Joshua looked on Julius with stifled jealousy whenever the other talked about how he was training to become a knight. 

And so-- Subaru thought maybe it would be fine for them to go out and have some fun together. 

It seemed like a good idea at the time, okay?! Subaru never claimed to be the responsible parent. He was the fun parent. 

When Julius had suggested sneaking out with his brother to ride a ground dragon, he’d nudged Julius forward in encouragement, at the exact same time Reinhard had nudged him back.

“Circle-san says yes… but Sword-san says no…” Julius mumbled. 

“Well if Circle-san is even willing to say yes, that probably means that neither of us would die, right?” Joshua said, hope in his voice. “It can’t be that bad.” 

Julius saw the look in Joshua’s eyes and couldn’t help but agree. “Yes, true.” 

The two had an excellent time together, cementing a beautiful brotherly bond, and Subaru felt very proud of his excellent decision-making skills. 

…Until Joshua got a severe cough the next day, unable to rise out of bed. He was deathly pale and short of breath even at rest. 

“I’m not sure why he would have a flare up now,” Maria, Julius’ adoptive mother whispered. 

“Usually this type of thing only happens with cold air… maybe it was just bad luck in this case,” Alviero murmured back. 

Julius, after hearing this, stalked back to his room. “Circle-san. Where are you so I can look at you.” 

Subaru guiltily poked Julius in the shoulder. 

“I’m never trusting you again,” Julius said venomously. 

Subaru couldn’t even really object to that. 

I actually don’t know if Julius’ brother is alive, Subaru suddenly realized. Please tell me I did not just murder Julius’ brother.

Subaru, as it turned out, did not murder Julius’ brother, who recovered after a few days. Julius’ anger gradually cooled, but he still considered Subaru’s advice with significantly less merit than he did Reinhard’s. Which was unfair. Reinhard probably was told that story beforehand! That was cheating.

Julius was getting much better at his knight training. His etiquette was developing as well, the tutors from his family rapidly transforming Julius’ childlike mumbles into elegant and confident statements. 

Julius stood near the other knight trainees. The courtyard was full of exercising, people chatting, and friendly spars. Someone Subaru didn’t really expect to be there was Crusch, who was practicing her swings. 

“The duke’s daughter,” one of the other trainees told Julius. “No one’s asked her to spar yet. No one wants to hit a woman, you see.” 

“I should greet her since she’s visiting,” Julius said thoughtfully. “It’s only polite.” 

“Hah! Good luck, mate.” 

Julius walked up to her, probably about to do the kneel plus hand-kiss thing that he’d done with Emilia back then. 

Oh no you don’t, Julius, Subaru thought. I’m sure she’s already had enough pointless greetings from chivalrous knights. 

Julius finally came in range with Crusch. Subaru took Julius’ hand and started moving it. Julius allowed Subaru to manipulate his hand, feeling very confused but allowing whatever Subaru was trying to do. Subaru used Julius’ hand to grab a white glove out of Julius’ pocket and throw it down right in front of Crusch. 

Julius sent a scandalized look at empty air. 

“Oh, so it’s a duel you want?” Crusch said, grinning widely. “I wouldn’t object to a friendly spar.” 

Julius recovered quickly. “I would be honored for you to accept, my lady. You seem very skilled.” 

“Then let us begin. Shall we?”

Julius was still very early into his knight training, and he ended up getting his ass kicked. Of course, Crusch didn’t go anywhere near as far as Julius had against Subaru that one time, instead reaching out a friendly hand after Julius had been knocked down. 

Once Julius got home, slightly flustered from the duel, he once again said to Subaru, “I’m never trusting you again.” 

But it was much more of a lie than it had been the last time Julius had said it, so Subaru took it as a win. 

“I want to become a Rainbow Knight,” Julius said. “Like in all the old tales. Someone who can cast spells in any color. With my spirit affinity… I think it might be possible.” 

Julius had books spread all across his study. 

“I have chosen to primarily involve Circle-san because he seems to like bad ideas,” Julius said. 

Such a brat, Subaru thought fondly. 

“I just need to summon and contract six spirits at once!” Julius said. “So… Circle-san… do you think I can do it?”

Subaru tapped Yes. 

The teenaged Julius nodded seriously.  

Julius ended up bedridden due to the strain on his gate of contracting six spirits at once. 

“I’m absolutely never trusting you again,” Julius said, but he was joking, wearing a wide smile. Six spirits swirled around him protectively. “So, I’ll be a spirit arts user and a knight…” 

“Call it a Spirit Knight,” Joshua suggested. 

Julius was getting stronger, stronger, stronger. Every time Subaru looked away from him, he was training, his skills and sword sharpening. He began to meet key figures-- Felix, Reinhard, Anastasia. 

Subaru was dreading it all. 

With every moment, they were hurtling towards a nightmare. 

Subaru found himself standing next to Julius as he prepared to enter a sandy arena. 

The Royal Castle. 

“A fan of bloodsport, Circle-san? You always do like to watch me fight,” Julius said. That was true enough, Subaru thought. He’d watched a few of Julius’ duels as a ghost. “But I wouldn’t imagine you’d be amused by this kind of thing.” 

Subaru flicked him in the nose. 

“Are you upset I’m going through with this?” Julius guessed. “I’m sorry, but I have to defend the honor of the knights. And if Subaru isn’t punished in some kind of structured way, someone -- whether that be a knight or a noble -- might decide to take revenge on him for his lip. It’s better this way.” 

Subaru just sighed and patted Julius on the back. He vanished before the fight started. 

Subaru came upon the final scene. 

Julius pointed his sword down at Betelgeuse, possessing Subaru’s body.

Subaru knew what he had to do. This timeline couldn't continue as-is. 

Subaru steadied his hand. 

With the feeling of fierce pain in his neck and chest, Subaru woke up and looked up at Julius.

Julius, whose face was suddenly ashen and written with fear. Fear and knowledge, because for this tiny fraction of a moment, Julius knew everything. 

And then, Subaru died. 

…

The first time Daffodil had appeared to Subaru, when Subaru was five, Daffodil had grabbed him and squeezed and squeezed and squeezed, until Subaru had to yell ‘Hey that hurts!’ to make him let go. Daffodil had gone terribly quiet for what felt like a very long time. 

Then, he’d knelt down and pressed Subaru’s little hand into his forehead. It felt like an apology. 

Subaru, being only five, hadn’t paid the strange behavior much mind.

Chapter Text

It took all of Subaru’s self-control not to start shouting in the middle of the strategy meeting. Only when he was away enough for others not to hear did he start trying to piece together exactly what happened. 

“Daffodil, Daffodil? Get your ass out here Daffs…” Subaru whispered. When nothing happened, Subaru’s heart sank. “Dammit, dammit--” 

He could sense Reinhard’s heat in the background, but Daffodil was nowhere to be found. 

Tell me that Julius and I will be able to cross blood again, Subaru thought. If not--

If not… 

Subaru had essentially just deleted Daffodil from existence. 

Julius was almost exactly the same person, especially at the start, but Daffodil had spent months in real time supporting Subaru, being there for him. Would Julius ever remember all that? Would Julius ever know the truth about Subaru? The fact that he’d isekaied? The fact that he could Return by Death?  

The disappointment-- grief, almost -- felt like a physical wound. 

Subaru had been looking forward to all his soulmates knowing. Would Julius be deprived of that, because Subaru hadn’t been able to beat Betelguese on the first try? 

Subaru thought. There’s not enough time to cross blood before the fight. We need to kill Betelguese as fast as possible so I can try to fix whatever the fuck just happened with Julius. 

Despite Subaru’s attempts to focus, it haunted his thoughts. 

The fight with Betelguese went shockingly smoothly. Everything else was anything but. 

The second he’d confirmed Emilia wasn't going to die by exploding dragon carriage, Subaru had turned around and went straight back to Julius. 

“We should cross blood,” Subaru said. No time like the present to find out how bad I fucked up… 

“Agreed,” Julius said with a slight smile, not suspecting the true situation. “I’m glad I’ll be able to learn your past.” Julius seemed a bit more vulnerable than usual. An aftereffect of using Nect, or was he like this around all his soulmates? “I’d like to learn more about you.” 

“Same here…” Subaru said. Please work, please work… 

They each cut their palms, and clasped hands. 

And there was no reaction.

Subaru’s heart dropped. 

In confusion, Julius touched his palm to Subaru’s again. He furrowed his brow. 

“Nothing’s… happening?” Julius asked.

“You two haven’t crossed blood before, right?” Ricardo asked. “This the first time?” 

“No, we haven’t,” Julius said.

“Hm… can each of ya call your ghostly specters here?” Ricardo asked. 

“--Circle-san?” Julius said quietly.

“Circle-san?” Subaru questioned. He’d heard Julius call him that in the past, but he couldn’t help but mention it. 

“Your mark is a circle,” Julius defended. “What else was I to call you?” 

“Fair enough. Uh, come on out, Daffodil?” Subaru said. 

“Daffodil?! Why am I Daffodil?” Julius asked. 

“You wouldn’t let me nickname you Prince,” Subaru defended. “So I went with this instead. Not my fault you're mostly purple instead of mostly yellow.” 

“Well, I certainly am no prince…” Julius said. 

They both waited a few moments. 

“He’s not coming,” Julius said. 

“Daffodil isn’t responding to me earlier…” Subaru admitted. Dammit… dammit… how do I fix this?! Can I still tell him about Return by Death? Or would the Witch kill him or me? I don’t even know if I can talk about it with Felix, who knows no matter what. Should I just try it? No, I can’t endanger Julius like that… 

“I haven’t seen Circle-san since the duel,” Julius said. 

“I think the answer is obvious,” Ricardo said. “The duel got things off-track, Julius. I mean, maybe that should’ve been obvious sooner. You’re obviously not supposed to beat your soulmate.” 

Julius froze. 

“Hey hey hey,” Subaru said. This isn’t Julius’ fault-- I can’t let him think that! “Maybe I just wasn’t supposed to act like that in front of everyone.”

“Either way, time travel where you understand each other’s pasts probably would have interrupted the duel,” Ricardo said. “Things got too far from where you’re supposed to be. It was a disruption.” 

That’s not it at all… 

“We still have our marks,” Subaru said.

“Disruption can result in the marks being maintained, but not the ghostly spirits,” Julius said, sounding somewhat depressed. “We both know that, Subaru…” 

“But-!” 

Julius bowed. “Subaru… I’m sincerely sorry. I wasn’t aware we were soulmates at the time, and I still believe in my actions given the information I had at the time, but… through my hastiness, I ruined what could have been a good experience for us.” 

“Don’t worry about it, Julius,” Subaru said. “We don’t need to cross blood to get to know each other. We can still do that the old-fashioned way. And we still remember the other person being there, right?” 

“I suppose that is true…” Julius said. “But still…” 

“In your ghost form, you were always the first one to encourage me to do the right thing. You were there for me at my lowest,” Subaru said firmly. “Even if you can’t remember, it still happened. And I won’t forget.” 

Julius looked stunned. “Subaru…” 

I’ll find a way to bring you back into the fold, Julius, Subaru thought. Even if it’s the last thing I do! I’m more determined to find a way around this damned taboo than ever… 

“You were there for me too, Subaru,” Julius confessed. “You encouraged me to try to do things that I never would have thought of on my own. Driving me towards greatness. When Felix said that you were parental but not pushy, I had a hard time believing it.” 

“Heh… I guess you two needed different things from me,” Subaru said. 

“I suppose so,” Julius said. “I’d be honored to get to know you… Natsuki Subaru.” 

“You said that so seriously, like an Oath or something…”

“I meant it that seriously,” Julius said.

“Well then, I’ll look forward to getting to know you,” Subaru said. 

And he meant it, too. 

Subaru found the chance to talk with Felix in private on their way back to Karsten Manor. He’d wanted to ride back with Emilia, but informing Felix of this situation took precedence. 

“Wait, seriously? Crossing blood didn’t function?” Felix said. 

“Can you guess why? I’m not sure if we can talk plainly without her taking notice…” 

“Crossing blood only doesn’t work if there’s been a disruption, or…” Felix realized something suddenly. “Or if this isn’t the first time…” 

“I wasn’t cautious enough,” Subaru said. “If I’d only been more careful, then…” 

“But now Julius--” 

“I don’t know if he can even ever know what we know,” Subaru said, scowling. 

“That’s just unfair!” The fur on Felix’s tail puffed out. “I mean… him learning wouldn’t be that different from me learning, right?! Even if the method is different?” 

“Can we really risk that?” Subaru asked. Felix fell silent. Subaru knew they were both thinking of the same thing: Emilia’s heart being crushed in that doomed timeline.They were pretty deep into a conversation where they were successfully talking about the Witch, even if not mentioning her by name, which boded well, but still. It was risky. 

“What if,” Felix said. “We brought along someone that she wouldn’t be able to mess with?”

“Someone that she wouldn’t be able to mess with… wait, you don’t mean--” 

“Reinhard,” Felix said. “He could protect Julius, right?”

“But could he?” Subaru asked. If it was Reinhard who they were trying to tell directly it’d be one thing, but the Witch was capable of stopping time. Was there anything Reinhard could do to prevent her from crushing Julius’ or Subaru’s hearts? Or would he simply blink, and either Julius or Subaru would be dead? 

On the other hand, maybe if Subaru only started saying the taboo, maybe Subaru’s heart would only get a slight squeeze in warning, rather than anyone being immediately killed. 

Subaru chewed on his lip.

“I’ll think about it…” 

Felix opened his mouth to reply but there was a sudden commotion ahead of them. 

Felix frowned and rode closer to investigate, Subaru following close behind. A knight spotted Felix and immediately waved him over. “Sir Felix! We need your assistance immediately! The group with the injured was attacked on the way back! Lady Crusch, she’s--” 

Rem, Subaru thought, heart going cold. 

“Show me where Crusch-sama is,” Felix ordered. The two split without another word, Felix going straight to Crusch and Subaru scanning the injured for Rem. After running past rows of injured and bodies, he managed to find the one he’d been looking for. 

“Rem…!” Subaru shook her, but she wouldn’t wake. “Why won’t she…” 

The healer shook his head. “She’s beyond help. Nothing I can do will wake her--” 

“WHY?! You’re a healer, aren’t you?! Wake her up!” Subaru’s hands clenched into fists and trembled. The healer just shook his head again. 

There was a knife on the ground. 

If I go back, I have to fight Betelguese again-- but who cares?! I can’t lose Rem…

When Subaru picked up the knife, he felt Reinhard squeezing his palm, trying to get him to drop it. 

“Heh… I remember the good old days when all three of you would try to stop this… Felix would be so pissed if he knew I was doing this right now…” 

Reinhard squeezed his hand harder. 

“Now, Julius isn't ever gonna know… you know, he always tried to like, physically block me from doing dangerous things. Jumping in front of me, as if he wasn’t intangible. That’s just like him, isn’t it? Ever the noble knight?” 

Subaru sighed. 

“...Do you think that every time he was trying to get me out of bed and to make new friends, before I came to Lugnica, it was because he didn’t want me to waste my life? Because he thought I was going to die young?” 

A long drawn-out pause.

“I’m sorry, Reinhard. I know you can’t respond really. I’ll get back on track.” 

A series of taps. No No--

Subaru cut his throat.

“Reinhard,” Felix said. “He could protect Julius right?”

Subaru looked around and got a handle on his surroundings. “I’m back here? You’re joking, right? You have to be joking.” 

“Wait Subaru, you didn’t just--” 

There was a commotion up ahead.

“Go, Felix,” Subaru said. “Crusch needs you, seriously.” 

Felix’s face hardened. “On it! But don’t think I won’t be back for you.” 

Subaru sat cross-legged next to Rem’s body. Felix did end up coming for him, eventually.

“Any threats we should be concerned about?” Felix asked.

“No…” Subaru answered dully. 

“And who’s this?” Felix asked.

“Who’s this? What do you mean who’s this? This is Rem!” Subaru answered. “She went with me to the Capital? You’ve met her?”

“Sorry, that doesn’t ring a bell,” Felix said.

“She literally…” Subaru glanced around to check for people, “...offed me once.” 

“What? What does ‘offed’--” 

“Murdered!” Subaru hissed in a whisper.

Both Subaru and Felix tense. Nothing happens. 

“So we can talk about it… at least with each other…” Felix murmured. 

“Let’s not push it too much, though. I don’t want to figure out what happens if someone else overhears,” Subaru said. 

“I’d definitely remember that though,” Felix insisted.

“There must be some kind of memory manipulation going on here, like with the Whale,” Subaru said. “Hey, Rein Rein, remember Rem?”

Yes, Reinhard tapped out.

“He remembers,” Subaru said.

“So soulmates are immune?” Felix said thoughtfully.

“Or because they’re experiencing time in a non-linear fashion, he learned about Rem from my memories after everyone’s memories were deleted. After all, we’re discussing Rem now, and she’s not being continuously deleted, right?” Subaru said. “Whatever though, that’s not the biggest issue. Problem is, she won’t wake up.”

“--Is that why you died?” Felix asked quietly. 

“Yes,” Subaru said. “I’m sorry, I know you hate that…” 

Felix let out a sigh. “From that, I’m guessing it wasn’t me who asked you…?” 

“What?! You asking me?” Subaru said, shocked.

“Crusch-sama has amnesia,” Felix said seriously. “Her memories are gone, and we don’t know how to fix it… I hate it when people give up on their lives so easily. But… I don’t act rationally when Crusch-sama is in danger. I didn’t want to think badly of myself, but I had to make sure.” 

“Jeez Felix…” 

“I know. I’m not a great person,” Felix said. 

“I think that all four of us will end up putting our Royal Candidates before anything,” Subaru said. “I mean, I know Julius wouldn’t give up on Anastasia just because I asked. Same with Reinhard and Felt. Maybe that’s part of what makes us all so well-matched.” 

“That’s nyot the same…” Felix said. “Gah… I’ll just be glad that I didn’t do it.” 

“And with what happened to Crusch… that’s another problem with memory…” Subaru murmured. “I’m sorry, Felix. We’ll figure this out. I’ll think of something--” 

“Yeah. We will,” Felix said. He put an arm around Subaru and dragged him into his lap. 

“Wait, lap pillow? You aren’t my beautiful Emilia-tan, so…”

“Don’t be stupid,” Felix said. “You died twice in the past day and much more within this month. Just close your eyes and relax. You deserve to take a moment to rest.” 

Subaru teared up. And when Felix started to gently pet his head, Subaru’s quiet tears turned into ugly sobs. He cried and he cried and he cried--

“Will you be okay?” Felix asked quietly. “Going back by yourself?”

“It should be fine,” Subaru said. “We just have to meet up with Roswaal and bring back the other group of evacuees who went to that ‘Sanctuary’ place. Then we can write letters to Reinhard and Julius and get everyone on the same page. Cross blood with Reinhard, and I don't know, figure something out for Julius.”

“I wish I could come, but…” 

“You have to get Crusch settled now that she’s lost her memories, I know,” Subaru said. “But it’s alright. I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’ll have Emilia-tan and everyone else, and besides, how much trouble can one little town cause?” 

Chapter Text

Reinhard practically buzzed with excitement after receiving his letter from Subaru. Even though he could memorize text on a first read-through, he’d read it five times over just to make sure he hadn’t missed anything. 

Subaru was his soulmate--Pumpkin.  

Felix and Julius found it strange he called their last soulmate ‘Pumpkin’, but what else was orange and round, really? And by contrast, Circle was quite the boring name. 

Anyway, Reinhard was excited to finally cross blood. 

There was something strange in the letter, with Subaru mentioning there being ‘a problem’ with Julius, but whatever the problem was (perhaps some existing bad blood between Julius and Subaru?) but Reinhard was certain that he could moderate it. After all, they were soulmates, which meant they were destined to be together. 

It was pretty easy to get dispensation from Felt to go visit Subaru for a few days. 

“So you invited Reinhard and Julius as well…” Felix muttered. Felix didn’t like being away from Crusch for long periods given the state she was in, but he’d agreed to come for a few short days in order to facilitate their ‘all-soulmates meeting.’ He’d been distressed enough about the Julius situation that he wanted to come resolve it in person. 

“Julius will be coming a day late,” Subaru said seriously. “That way, he won’t see whatever Reinhard’s reaction is. We’ll have a day to figure out how we want to explain things to him.” 

“You really think that Reinhard being physically present will work?” Felix asked.

Subaru didn’t, frankly, but…

A Greedy Witch smiled at him. “Why, of course you can tell him. He’s your soulmate.” 

“But why?” Subaru asked. “Isn’t she, like… envious or something?” 

“Well, for starters, he had soulmates…”

“Who?”

“Nevermind that. But since they’re connected to your soul, Satella and the Witch see them as extensions of you. Lesser pets, maybe. Imagine you’re the boyfriend, she’s the girlfriend, and your soulmates are three dogs you own that are a package deal.”

“What?! My heart is taken by Emilia-tan! And my relationship with my soulmates is definitely nothing like that…” Subaru murmured. 

“Better not tell her-- hehe! Anyway, you can talk to them, but the Witch doesn’t care about your soulmates in the same way she cares about you. If any of your soulmates try to tell anyone else, she’d probably just kill them.”

“Good to know…” 

Subaru didn’t really think ‘a witch told me’ would be an acceptable reason to Felix, but he did ‘trust’ Echidna in a strange way-- she was very capable of manipulating him without telling a single lie. He was fairly certain she’d been telling the truth here. 

“Reinhard’s the strongest, right? We’ll just have to put our trust in him,” Subaru said.

“I guess so, nya…” Felix said with a sigh. 

There was a knock on the door. “The Sword Saint has arrived,” Ram said.

“Better get ready then,” Subaru said. The two walked to the entrance, greeting a Reinhard who had come on foot rather than by ground dragon. 

“I’m glad to see you, my friends,” Reinhard said. 

“I’m glad to see you too,” Subaru said, grasping Reinhard’s hand as Felix nodded in acknowledgement. “I don’t want to put this off too much longer. Let’s find somewhere to cross blood.” 

Reinhard smiled brilliantly, unaware of what was to come. “That sounds lovely.” 

It was strange to see Reinhard bleed. 

It felt like something that should be below him. 

Still, Reinhard cut his hand open without blinking, as if making him bleed even a little wasn’t something that the enemies of Lugnica had agonized over. 

Subaru cut his hand and the two clasped palms.

“Thank you, Subaru,” Reinhard said, and that was the last thing Subaru heard before he was transported to the past. 

“Papa, why is Mama sleeping right now?” 

The tiny Reinhard was shockingly articulate. Subaru didn’t really know about childhood milestones, but he looked like he just learned to start toddling around. Subaru kneeled down next to him.

“Your mother…” A red-haired man, looking much like Reinhard but with duller hair and duller eyes, hesitated to answer. “She is very sick, which is causing her to sleep. This means she can’t play with you or be with you anymore.” 

“Mama can’t play?” Reinhard seemed disappointed. “Just make her be awake.” 

The man let out a broken laugh. “I wish it was that easy, son.” 

Reinhard’s bottom lip started to tremble, and Subaru was pretty sure there was a tantrum on the way.

Subaru gently put his arm around tiny Reinhard’s shoulder. Reinhard’s attention was quickly diverted, and he settled down and sat on the ground instead of crying.

What’s happening with Reinhard’s mother here? Is she in a coma like Rem? But unlike Rem, everybody remembers her… 

From the servants, Subaru heard whispers of a ‘sleeping beauty sickness.’ 

Very isekai. He’d have to look into it more later. 

Reinhard was a little bigger now, but still tiny. He swung a wooden sword forward, and the effect was immediate. The dummy was chopped in half and the wooden sword was badly broken. 

“Son, that was much stronger than last time! How did you--” 

“Divine Protection of Blue Skies.” Reinhard’s pronunciation was still childish, him saying Pwotection more than Protection due to trouble with the rs. “Stronger under blue skies.”

“I thought you had the Divine Protection of Teary Skies,” Reinhard’s father said. “For when it’s raining…?”

“Yes, also that one,” Reinhard said. 

“Yesterday you said you only had ten,” Reinhard’s father said, a bit frantically. “This would make eleven.” 

“I thought ten plus one makes nine?”

“No, that’s your minuses,” Reinhard’s father corrected automatically. “Nevermind that… how did you get your new power?” 

“I asked really nicely,” Reinhard said. 

“Asked who!?!”  

“Dunno.” 

The man sweated, which seemed an appropriate reaction. “Who do I even tell about this…”

  Poor Reinhard is going to give his father a heart attack, Subaru thought. Now that’s an alternate-world protagonist for you… 

“Heinkel, I absolutely refuse.”

“Marcos, we need you,” Heinkel pleaded. “Please, come back. Lead the Royal Guard. They’re a mess of corruption and favoritism right now… we need somebody like you at the helm!” 

“My daughter was just born,” Marcos said sharply. 

Reinhard was listening in on the conversation. Not very well, and he wasn’t very subtle with that bright red hair, but both Marcos and Heinkel were far too angry to notice. 

“--Marcos, just listen--” 

“The answer is no,” Marcos said, walking away. 

Heinkel watched him go with a sigh.

“Would Father be happy if that man would join the Royal Guard?” Reinhard asked, tugging on Heinkel’s pants leg. 

“Yes, but it doesn’t seem likely,” Heinkel responded with a sigh. “Go back to your room, okay?”

Reinhard wandered off, but not towards his room. Instead he followed Marcos, who had by now reached the door of the Mansion Reinhard was living in. 

Marcos paused when he saw Reinhard.

“Hello there, little one,” Marcos said, crouching down. “Is there something that you need from me?”

“Please join the Royal Guard, mister,” Reinhard said. There was a strange ripple to his voice, like distorted audio that had been twisted and untwisted, with a stab of warmth that Subaru had long recognized as part of Reinhard’s power. 

Marcos’ eyes went dull. 

“I will join the Royal Guard,” Marcos repeated. 

“He absolutely did not just do that,” Subaru said. He tried to swat tiny Reinhard on the back of the head but Reinhard dodged expertly, the result of some new Divine Protection no doubt. Subaru grumbled and knelt down, tapping No on Reinhard’s skin. 

“Bad child! Mind control is wrong!” Subaru said. 

Reinhard looked up at where Subaru was--it was a little unnerving how Reinhard always knew which direction Subaru’s face was, when he should be an invisible object--with the cutest blue eyes, full of confusion. 

“What do the taps mean Pumpkin-san?” Reinhard asked innocently. 

He doesn’t know that tap means No because he’s a five-year-old, Subaru despaired. Well. Guess there’s nothing I can do about that. Hopefully no one notices?

Everyone noticed. 

“Reinhard! Did you make any kind of wish for my sake? Because I said I’d be happy if Marcos returned to the knights?!” Heinkel seized Reinhard by the shoulders, asking urgent questions. A shadow lurked by the door he’d just come through. 

“I-I’m sorry, I wanted to help you, Father. Are you angry?”

“Reinhard, that’s not okay. You can’t do that.” Heinkel’s voice was stern. 

Subaru was relieved but also scared that Reinhard had been ‘found out.’ On one hand, it was better for someone with these types of powers to be guided carefully by adults who could teach them right from wrong. On the other hand, that shadow was trouble. 

“Don’t use that power ever again! It’s not okay to use it. You are not allowed to bend people’s heart’s to your will and change their minds! They aren’t yours to play with! Understood?!” Heinkel’s voice rose to a shout. “I’ve told my son! I won’t let him use it ever again! So please! Reinhard will be fine! He’s a good kid! This child is Louanna’s son! He’s our treasure!”

“I’ve erased it,” Reinhard said. “I won’t use it ever again… I’m sorry Father.”

If Reinhard can gain Divine Protections in an irregular way, then perhaps he could erase them as well, Subaru thought. 

Heinkel picked up Reinhard. As the two passed the window, Subaru saw a shadow there. 

“If you care about your family… do your best to serve the kingdom,” the figure mouthed the words silently, but Reinhard saw them, and his face crumpled. 

The shadows left without killing. Even though Subaru held Reinhard’s little hand until morning, Reinhard didn’t sleep that night. 

Reinhard started training. A lot. 

When asked for his reasoning, he would say he wanted to “devote himself to the kingdom” -- which Subaru found very worrying. On the other hand, Heinkel seemed relieved. He even indulged his son by agreeing to a ‘duel’ with wooden swords. Of course, Heinkel likely didn’t intend to go full throttle against a five-year-old.

Until Reinhard knocked him out cold. Easily. 

It was only the next day that Subaru would realize what this would mean. 

The Divine Protection of the Sword Saint. 

That was what Reinhard had gained all of a sudden when he had duelled his father with wooden swords, the reason he’d beaten him so easily. 

“It’s his fault Theresia died,” Wilhelm snapped. “If she’d only had that Divine Protection--” 

Wilhelm.

Subaru leveled an unimpressed look at him. He’d been excited when Wilhelm had first showed. That had been a mistake. 

“Father, he’s only a child,” Heinkel said. “Don’t blame him. It was my fault, I was the one who-” 

“Yes, it is your fault, Heinkel,” Wilhelm’s voice dripped with malice, “Don’t think I’ve forgotten! You drove her into that battle, and your spawn stole her sword. Both of you are a disgrace!” 

Wilhelm loomed over Reinhard. His eyes glinted with anger. 

Subaru glanced around the room. 

There was paper on the desk.

Subaru carefully led Reinhard to the desk and brought out Reinhard’s hand to grab a pen. 

“--What are you doing?” Wilhelm asked. 

“Umm, my soulmate is trying to get me to write something…” Reinhard said. He was still scared of Wilhelm, it was written on his face. And that pissed Subaru off. 

Subaru closed Reinhard’s eyes and folded his hand over Reinhard’s, manipulating his hand to scrawl out a message. Then, he extended Reinhard’s hand to give the message to Wilhelm. 

Wilhelm glanced down at the paper. 

You hurt him, I FIND YOU. I know where you sleep in 10 yrs old man

“What does it say?” Heinkel asked. 

Wilhelm looked at Heinkel flatly, turned around, and left without another word. 

Hell yeah, get lost, loser, Subaru thought. He hugged Reinhard from behind, squishing him close. 

It suddenly occurred to him that the Wilhelm of the present still remembered this had happened. 

--Oh well. He wasn’t going to apologize about it.

Chapter Text

Wilhelm didn’t come back. Meanwhile, Heinkel started to keep his distance. 

Despite Heinkel’s defense of Reinhard during the initial situation, he’d grown colder towards Reinhard, and he’d started drinking. 

Heinkel was still mostly nice , or at least civil, if not clumsy after imbibing, but the air felt heavier and sharper--there was a palpable tension in his interactions with Reinhard. Subaru hadn’t even realized it was possible to have tense interactions with an elementary schooler, but somehow Heinkel managed. 

Reinhard stood perfectly straight, standing over Louanna’s sleeping body. He came to visit her occasionally, always a somber occasion. 

“Will Mother ever wake?” Reinhard whispered softly to Subaru. 

Subaru tapped thrice.

“You don’t know… that means probably not by the time we cross blood,” Reinhard murmured. “Thank you for not giving me false hope.” 

Subaru laced his fingers with Reinhard’s. 

“Father will always love me, right?” Reinhard asked. 

Normally Subaru would have double-tapped without thinking. Even if he didn’t know for sure, saying Maybe in a situation like this would probably be damaging. At the very least, put an inkling of doubt in Reinhard’s head for the rest of his life. But something about Heinkel’s drinking, and his attitude, made Subaru pause. 

The hesitation was too long. Reinhard’s face fell. Subaru quickly tapped out a Maybe but Reinhard was still troubled. 

“If not Mother, and if not Father… my soulmates will always love me, right?”

At least there was something Subaru could tap Yes to. 

Heinkel getting worse validated Subaru in a terrible way. At least Subaru hadn’t ended up lying to Reinhard, as sad as it was to see. 

Reinhard was sitting cross-legged in the training grounds. 

“Hmm, I sense you here, Pumpkin,” Reinhard said. He turned toward Subaru. “You feel like a shadow. Maybe you can use Yin Magic?”

“Well, not anymore because of my gate, but that is my affinity… hold on, he can’t sense Satella, can he?” Subaru questioned. Reinhard gave no indication of hearing him. Subaru walked closer and sat beside him. 

“I always knew I’d end up becoming a knight,” Reinhard looked down at the Dragon Sword. “But do I deserve it?”

Yes, Subaru tapped his shoulder. 

“Of course you’d say that,” Reinhard said. “But I met some of the other knights-in-training today. They work hard every day to get stronger. Everything I have was something that was given to me. What makes me deserve to be one?” 

Subaru took Reinhard’s hand and placed it over his chest. 

“My heart--?” 

A smile crept onto Reinhard’s face. “Hah… of course you would say that. That’s just like you. Well, I’ll try to live up to that.” 

He stood, gazing towards the training dummies like he was seeing something. 

“I’m glad you’re here, my friend. Thank you for listening. I’ll make this up to you when we meet in person.” 

As he got older, Reinhard was left with more and more of Heinkel’s messes. Usually not physical -- Reinhard was rich, so he did have servants for that -- but financial. Vassals left unpaid. Domain mismanagement. Heinkel galavanting off at the last moment to search for a new cure for Louanna, leaving the Astrea Domain without a head. 

To be completely honest, Reinhard didn’t have any particular talent for business. Still, he was sharp enough that he was more competent than Heinkel if Heinkel was drunk or absent. 

Reinhard was tapping his pencil impatiently, skimming the tax reports. “We have to know how much we owe the crown for this year’s grain harvest… hold on…” 

Reinhard scribbled out some of the calculations. 

“Pumpkin, you can write, can’t you? Do you know any math?” 

Subaru looked over Reinhard’s shoulder at the calculations. 

“I’d really appreciate it,” Reinhard said. He was borderline pouting -- for a second he looked absolutely like any teenager trying to get out of math homework. 

Subaru sighed and guided Reinhard’s hand through the correct answers. 

Reinhard smiled and wrote out more problems. 

Subaru sighed. 

He hated taxes. But he did love Reinhard. 

Felix, Julius, and Reinhard together. It was a sight to see, how often the three hung out together. It made Subaru a little jealous. Because of the Royal Selection and witch cult attacks, their ‘All-Soulmates Meeting’ was an event rather than a regular occurrence. And yet the three of them were so close! How was he to catch up? 

“I should get home,” Reinhard said. “Father will miss me.” 

Both of them raised their eyebrows. 

“Father is fine,” Reinhard said automatically. 

“You don’t need to lie to us,” Julius said. “We saw everything.” 

“He treats you horribly,” Felix said bluntly. “You shouldn’t have to put up with that. Who blames a kid for what happens, anyway?” 

“He didn’t at first,” Reinhard said. “At first it was Grandfather.” 

“Just because he was late in doing the wrong thing doesn’t mean he’s any better,” Felix grumbled. 

“You’re one to talk,” Julius said. “You’ve started working with Wilhelm van Astrea, haven’t you?”

“Not by choice!” Felix said. “It’s all for the sake of my Lady, nya. I’ll put up with him as I have to… just like how you listen to Heinkel’s orders as the vice commander.” 

Julius sighed. “I understand… it grates, though.” 

“Neither of you need to hold grudges on my account,” Reinhard tried to insist.

“We will anyway,” Felix said. 

“I wonder what our final soulmate will be like,” Julius said. “Another knight?” 

“You’d think he would have found us based on Reinhard’s sword by now, if he were going to be a knight,” Felix said. 

“I hope he’s safe,” Reinhard said. “What if he’s struggling right now, and that’s why he can’t find us?” 

“I’m sure it’ll be fine, nya,” Felix said. “Besides, he’ll have our ghosts to help. You should worry a bit less.”

“Maybe,” Reinhard said, slightly doubtful. 

Subaru blinked, and he was back in the present again. 

Reinhard stared at Subaru with piercing blue eyes.

“Um, Reinhard--?” Subaru hesitated.

Reinhard kept staring. His slightly-constricted pupils were locked in on Subaru’s face. 

“Do you know what you’ve done!?” Reinhard suddenly demanded, rounding on Subaru. 

“Hey big guy,” Felix said, in the tone one might use to calm a feral dog. “I know it’s a bit of a shock…”

“I can’t believe the situation you put yourself in,” Reinhard started to pace. “This… all of this… it’s all so much worse than I thought…” 

Reinhard’s body language was stiff, very stiff. He was panicking. That was rare. Insecurity was one thing, but Subaru didn’t think he’d seen Reinhard properly scared since that night he’d mind-controlled Marcos. 

“You’re going to die again,” Reinhard said. “And there’s nothing--” 

“Reinhard!” Felix snapped. “Don’t say that.”

“He already died another six times since he crossed blood with you!” Reinhard’s voice was sharp. 

Felix paled.

“Reinhard,” Subaru said, panic bubbling. “It’s really not that bad, it’s fine--” 

“You had some of your worst deaths in Sanctuary,” Reinhard said. “You’ve put yourself in a situation where you are almost certain to die again--you're certainly not going to leave the Emilia camp at this point, that's for certain. You have no more soul companions. There is nothing I can do.” 

Reinhard sat down on hard stone, burying his face in his hands. 

“Almost certain to die again?” Felix said. “I mean, I know the Witch Cult--” 

“And Roswaal,” Reinhard said. “He knows Subaru is looping, but not that it happens when he dies. He said that if Subaru loses anyone he’s trying to protect, that he’ll kill everyone, to force Subaru to reset.” 

“What the fuck,” Felix said.

“I can handle him,” Subaru said. “We need Roswaal. We have to keep him.” 

“I know,” Reinhard said. “I would never ask you to kill or depose him, because I understand your loyalty to Lady Emilia, and without Roswaal, she has no campaign. But I have obligations of my own. I can’t be here.” 

“Because of Felt,” Subaru said. 

“Yes.” 

Subaru didn’t know what to say. Reinhard looked crushed. 

“We need a game plan,” Felix said. “None of us can accompany Subaru. We need to make sure he’s equipped to handle things on his own. And we need to get Julius in on this.” 

“Are we really certain it’s safe to inform Julius?” Reinhard asked. He gave Subaru a look, fully aware that Subaru had chosen not to inform Felix about his interactions with the witches. Subaru wondered if Reinhard was going to talk about that with him later. 

“We have to try,” Felix said. 

“I think if we’re wrong, she’ll just squeeze my heart as a warning,” Subaru said. 

Reinhard sighed. “If you say so. Tomorrow, we’ll try. Regardless, Felix is right. We need a plan. But I’m not sure exactly what. I can do some training--” 

“You’ll train me?” Subaru perked up curiously. “Uh-- I’m not sure I’d be very good, though. I’ve tried training with the sword before. I was hopeless.” 

“We don’t need to train you with the sword,” Reinhard said. “We could train you in some other weapon. Additionally, I have the Divine Protection of Instruction. While Grandfather is very strong, I may be the better teacher. You could visit the Astrea estate for a time, maybe a few months--I doubt anyone would disapprove of an apprenticeship with me. We’d just have to hope that nothing bad happens while you're away.” 

“That might be useful,” Subaru said. “Might make me a bit less of a sitting duck. Roswaal wanted to train me too, not sure who he was going to pick for it though.” 

“I have something too,” Felix said. He brought out two small vials, in red and blue, and handed them to Subaru.

“What are these?” Subaru asked, squinting at them. 

“Boar’s leaf and Greenbane,” Felix said. “The blue vial will sicken an average man pretty severely, but shouldn’t kill. Be careful giving it to someone who is very young or elderly or small, though. The red vial is a deadly poison, enough to kill ten men. Don’t let anyone know you have these.” 

“Wait, Felix, you don’t--” 

“You don’t have a method of fighting people physically,” Felix said. “You need something in your back pocket. Especially if you might need to end up killing Roswaal, or incapacitating him for a time. Or some other enemy. Looping pairs exceptionally well with poison.” 

“You realize that giving him the red vial… it could lead to him killing himself,” Reinhard said. 

“Yeah, I know,” Felix said. “And I know that’s bad. But Subaru’s not suicidal, he’ll use it wisely.”

“Felix, you shouldn’t encourage this,” Reinhard said. 

“I don’t want bad things to happen,” Felix said. “But the bad things happen, whether we prepare for them or not. We both know that if everyone dies, if the situation goes really south, Subaru is going to…” Felix looked askance at Subaru. “Would you rather Subaru get stuck in a timeline where everyone is dead with the poison, or without it?” 

Reinhard looked at him sharply. “I can’t support this.” 

Subaru looked down at the bottles. 

“It’s not painless,” Felix said. “Most poisons really aren’t. If there are any poisons that don’t hurt, I couldn’t get my hands on them. I’m sorry. And I’ll never, ever blame you if you choose to live when other people are dead. I’d prefer it, honestly. But I thought…” 

“I’ll take them,” Subaru said. 

Reinhard pursed his lips, but didn’t continue to object.

“I made a promise to someone to try to value my own life more,” Subaru said. “I plan to follow up on that promise. I’ll try to keep the red vial for other people.” 

“Alright,” Reinhard sighed. 

There was a long pause.

“--Are we telling Julius about this?” Felix asked. 

The awkward pause continued. 

Chapter Text

Subaru laid on the ground, convulsing and foaming at the mouth. 

“Subaru!” Reinhard shouted, shaking him. “Subaru!”

The red vial laid empty on the ground. 

“You failed me,” Subaru rasped. “If only you had been here. If only you’d been stronger. I wouldn’t have had to do this if you weren’t so weak.”

“I’m sorry, please don’t leave me,” Reinhard begged. 

“After everything I’ve done for you,” Subaru said. 

Hot tears leaked out of Reinhard’s eyes. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry—

He snapped awake. 

Breathing hard, it took Reinhard only a few moments to realize it had all been a dream. 

Reinhard had always known something was wrong with Subaru. 

Well, ‘wrong with’ wasn’t quite the right wording. But when Reinhard had met Subaru, his stomach flipped, and the hair on the back of his neck stood on end, as if he’d entered the arena of a powerful being. He’d been surprised to see an innocent, seemingly helpless bystander being mugged. When he’d rescued Subaru, he’d realized that Subaru’s shadow… didn’t move right. It twisted in the afternoon light in a slightly wrong way.

Subaru himself had been quite disarming. A cheerful attitude, a humble smile. By the time Reinhard had rescued him for a second time in the slums, he’d warmed up to Subaru, and had almost forgotten the eeriness that followed him. Or how, as ‘Pumpkin’, he’d always tasted like shadows. 

Almost.

It was only when they’d crossed blood that Reinhard had finally understood.

Subaru being connected to the Witch…

The whole time Subaru and Felix rode together towards Karsten Manor, chattering pleasantly, Reinhard felt like tearing his hair out. How could they treat this so casually? Of course, Subaru could hardly be blamed for his involuntary connection to the Witch, but she was literally stalking Subaru all hours of the day. Always watching him, always bubbling with jealousy, always ready to slaughter anyone who began to understand what she and Subaru shared together. Not to mention it had absolutely terrifying implications for her control over time. 

She could reset time. 

Had she allowed herself to be sealed? Or had she developed this power over Yin within the seal? What would happen if she were released? 

Perhaps a lesser man would fear what Subaru would do with this power. Reinhard knew better. To the extent that Subaru had control over Return by Death, he would try to use his power for good, so long as he retained his sanity (though perhaps that was a concern as well). But altogether, Reinhard was more worried about the fact that the Witch had this power. 

At least it explained little things that Reinhard had wondered about-- like why Subaru was allowed to mumble about his powers occasionally. There were no hard and fast rules. Instead, there was a person looming behind Subaru, making a judgment call on every word he said. 

It was when Subaru got to Sanctuary that things went from bad to worse. First, there was Echidna-- Witch of Greed. Reinhard was at least relieved she was dead but she had frightening control over the Three Trials, something absolutely necessary for Subaru to overcome if Emilia were to escape Sanctuary.

Then, the assassins. And then… 

“Subaru,” Reinhard said. 

The singular rabbit stood in the snow, with its ominous red eyes, and its tiny horn. Subaru took unsteady steps toward it. 

He’s not from here, Reinhard realized with horror. He doesn’t know what it is. 

Reinhard pulled on Subaru’s shoulder. “Run, run, run!” Reinhard urged him. “Don’t just stand there! Run!” 

Subaru instinctively fell a few paces back, but it wasn’t fast enough. Even if Subaru had started sprinting away it probably wouldn’t have been fast enough. The rabbits fell upon him. 

Reinhard knelt down by Subaru and wrapped his hand around his throat. 

In his ghost form, Reinhard didn’t have the strength of his regular body. If Subaru wanted, he could just peel Reinhard’s hand off. He was in no condition to do that now, though. And Reinhard could still apply pressure. Enough to cut off the carotid arteries, and blood flow to the brain. No matter the pain signals his body was sending, Subaru couldn’t possibly remain conscious if his brain didn’t have blood. 

Reinhard had actually learned this in Subaru’s kendo class, during the hand-to-hand segment. But he hadn’t thought about using it this way until now.

It did work. But the time it took to work was a slow, agonizing fifteen seconds, of Subaru wailing as the rabbits devoured him alive, before he went completely limp. Reinhard kept pressure so that Subaru wouldn’t wake up. The Rabbits didn’t waste time in devouring him. 

It was too cruel. Before this, Reinhard might have said that the world was mostly just and fair, mostly pleasant. He didn't think that anymore. People were cruel. If Satella truly cared for Subaru and could reset time, why wasn't she saving him? Reinhard rested his head in his hands as Subaru woke up screaming, and went straight into an encounter with the Greedy Witch. 

This whole situation with Sanctuary-- it was getting out of control. And complicated. The Great Rabbit? The Witch? The Books of Wisdom? What did it all mean? 

“Did Emilia make it snow?” Reinhard murmured. “Wait, who set the trap in that teleportation crystal? Why does Beatrice have that book?” 

More information was revealed every loop, but Reinhard himself felt useless. He couldn’t even point Subaru in the right direction. Subaru had to do all the detective work himself. 

The only thing Reinhard had done right was slap Subaru’s hand away when Echidna offered him a deal. Not that it was really necessary. Because eventually, the other witches showed up. 

“Say, Felix,” Reinhard said. He sat with a cup of tea, up earlier than anyone else. Felix had wandered into the kitchen not long after. “Did Subaru ever tell you about the other Witches?” 

“What?!” Felix asked. 

“I see,” Reinhard said. 

“Clearly something happened at Sanctuary,” Felix said, gnawing at his lip. “But Subaru hasn’t had time to get everything in yet. Witches?!” 

“They live in a strange realm of the mind called the Castle of Dreams, a collection of their consciousnesses living on after death,” Reinhard said. “I myself have a difficult time explaining it. But Subaru communicated with them significantly, especially the Witch of Greed.” 

“Realm of the mind, but they’re dead?” Felix’s ears perked up. “So they have a consciousness but no Od? That doesn’t make sense.” 

Reinhard looked down at his tea, wondering how much to tell Felix. Subaru’s attempted contract with Echidna, perhaps? Or how Subaru seemed to at least be trusting her word on whether it was alright to tell Julius? Reinhard didn’t really believe that Subaru had chosen to tell Julius because he had faith in Reinhard’s abilities, as flattering as that would be. 

“Felix,” Reinhard said. “Are you sure about that vial of poison?”

“Yes,” Felix said. “He could use it as a weapon, or to escape severe pain, if he’s already dying painfully.” 

“What if he used it to reset a loop where things were not yet doomed?” Reinhard pressed. “Where it wasn’t a matter of life and death, and his plans had simply gone wrong?” 

“He wouldn’t do that,” Felix dismissed. “I had to think about it after what… after, you know, what he did with Rem. I had a hard time handling it. But Subaru doesn’t… he doesn’t seek death because he’s a coward and wants to die. It's not cowardice if he's saving lives. It’s different.” Felix almost sounded as if he was trying to convince himself. 

Reinhard disagreed, sort of, but at the same time, he didn’t want to press Felix on this. It wasn’t as if Reinhard had received much additional information in Sanctuary, Subaru only died then to prevent the world from being consumed by the Witch of Envy, so it wasn’t like Reinhard had information on this Felix didn’t. 

Speaking of, and the Witch of Envy could project a part of herself out of her seal in order to attack people. Nowhere near her original level of power, but enough to slaughter strong people like Garfiel easily. Definitely not worrying. 

The door swung open and Subaru walked in. 

“Good morning, everyone!” Subaru said. 

“Good morning, Subaru,” Reinhard gently answered. 

“Morning!” Felix greeted. 

“So today’s the day, huh?” Subaru asked. 

“When, if all things go right, all three of us know,” Felix said. 

“Subaru,” Reinhard said. “I have a request. Something you have no obligation to fulfill, but would mean a great deal to me.” 

“Shoot?” 

“Could you write a letter explaining when you've died?” Reinhard said. “I understand why you might refuse, but..."

“You don't want to be in the dark," Subaru guessed. "No letter, though. If it were intercepted, the Witch could get pissed. But whenever I see you, I’ll let you know if something bad happened and approximately how bad it was. Kay?”

“Thank you,” Reinhard sighed. 

“We need to have a game plan for when Julius arrives,” Felix said. 

“I think we might as well be as direct as possible,” Subaru said, shrugging. "If something's going to go wrong, then it goes wrong." 

Julius was kindly escorted to their place of meeting by a pink-haired maid named Ram. The room he entered was small and square, with comfortable chairs, clearly one of Miload Mansion’s waiting rooms. 

He had been prepared to give a litany of apologies for breaking everything and ruining their soulmate relationship. He hadn’t been prepared to walk into a room with three dead serious faces, no cheerful greetings in sight. Even Felix wasn’t smiling, brows were creased in worry and somberness. Julius’ breath caught in his throat. 

Felix and Reinhard were angry with him. He felt like a fool for not considering the possibility. 

Julius bowed to the three. “I apologize once again for my previous actions. In light of what I now know, I truly regret the harm I caused.” 

“It’s alright, Julius,” Subaru said. “We’ve just got serious news, is all.” 

Julius sat down in one of the chairs. His knight training was too good for his true emotions to show, but he felt very nervous. How this meeting went would determine whether or not his soulmates continued to have a relationship with him, or if they would rather he not join them thanks to his past actions. And now there was ‘serious news’ involved. 

“Julius,” Subaru said. “I can Return by Death.” 

Chapter Text

“I can Return by Death.”

Julius felt a chill across his shoulders, like death itself was dragging its fingertips across the nape of his neck. He shuddered. Then, the feeling was gone. 

“--What?” Julius asked. 

“It worked!” Felix said, suddenly overjoyed. “It worked! He can know!” 

“Know what?” Julius asked, confused at the sudden change of energy in the room. Return by Death didn’t sound good, but everyone seemed relieved. 

“Julius,” Subaru said. “I’ve died before.” 

“Died--?”

“Killed! Murdered!” Subaru slammed his hands against the table. 

“You’ve been murdered? Subaru, you’re talking nonsense,” Julius said. Except, Felix and Reinhard didn’t look confused. And they weren’t laughing. 

“When I die, I go back in time to before it happened,” Subaru said, sobering slightly. “To make it simple: I die, and then I wake up in the past. I ‘Return by Death.’”

Julius had to take a moment to digest the statement. 

“Return by Death?” Julius shook his head. “No, that’s not possible. No one can travel through time.” 

“Yin magic,” Reinhard said softly. “Is at its heart, the manipulation of time and space. You’ve studied it, you know this.”

“Subaru’s gate is broken,” Julius said. “He can’t cast magic, so it’s just not possible. Does he have a Divine Protection or ability that allows him to witness the future? One that would make him think he’s traveling through time?” 

“We saw him travel back in time, Julius, when we crossed blood,” Felix said. The words cut deep, though Julius was sure Felix hadn’t meant them too. “And besides… it’s not Subaru casting the spell. He’s not the one ‘behind’ this ability.” 

“Not… Subaru?” Julius asked. “But then who?” 

“As someone once told me, I will continue to Return by Death,” Subaru said seriously. “As long as the delusion of the Witch persists.” 

“You’re not saying…” 

“I am saying,” Subaru said. “My ability is controlled by the Witch.” 

The look in Subaru’s eyes made Julius realize he was more than serious. 

What Julius felt now was more than a mere chill. His throat was cold, like he’d swallowed ice. His arms and legs were stiff. 

“Your ability is caused,” Julius said. “By the Witch. You’ve died.” 

“Yin is her specialty,” Subaru confirmed. “When I die, she sends me back through time.” 

“The seal?” Julius asked. 

“Surpassable,” Reinhard said. “She can extend invisible hands beyond it. And, under the right circumstances, send her shadows beyond it, though her physical body is still trapped. It seems to limit her power to some extent, but by far, not enough.” 

Julius’ throat and chest were tight. He felt he could hardly breathe. Is this what Joshua felt like during his fits? Julius hoped not. It was terrible. 

“And Emilia?” Julius heard himself ask. 

“What about Emilia?” Subaru asked. 

“Her connection to all this. How does she know the Witch?” 

Subaru furrowed his brow. “She doesn’t.” 

“So it’s just a coincidence that you have a power controlled by the Witch, and that you’ve chosen the Candidate that looks completely identical to her?” Julius said. He didn’t know why he said it. It would have been smarter to hold that suspicion to his chest, but it felt like all his thoughts were spilling out of his mouth without permission. 

Subaru’s gaze sharpened, his expression turning hostile. “Yeah? What about it? Emilia has nothing to do with this. This… it’s all me.” 

Reinhard opened his mouth, then closed it.

“What, Reinhard, what?!” Subaru asked, exasperated. 

“I would agree, except, well… Sanctuary,” Reinhard said. “The Witch of Envy was able to possess Emilia during a failed loop.” 

Felix’s jaw dropped. Julius just stared. 

“There are plenty of explanations for that! Emilia was the closest person to me at the time, so it was most logical to possess her, if anyone. Besides, even if Satella could possess her because she’s a half-elf or something like that, she can’t be blamed for it! Emilia clearly has never met the Witch,” Subaru said insistently.

“On that last point, I concur,” Reinhard said. Julius knew that the red-haired knight absolutely hated arguing, so the fact that Reinhard was folding so easily didn’t necessarily mean he thought Subaru was right. Only that Reinhard’s evidence was not strong enough for concrete actions to take place. “If Emilia does have any connection to the Witch--though indeed we lack direct evidence to say that is so--then it is something she is unaware of, and cannot blame her for,” Reinhard said. Subaru didn’t seem completely satisfied with this, but eventually just sighed. 

“Anyway-- Julius, we couldn’t cross blood, because we already crossed blood. But then, I died,” Subaru said. “So your memories were reset. I can still remember being in your past, however.” 

“You told me and Joshua we should go out together,” Julius said. 

“Are you still on that?! You from the present never told me that it went poorly!” Subaru said. “How was I to know that it would go bad?!” 

“You do remember!” Julius said. He was a little too shocked to feel much about it, but he undoubtedly would be happy later. He’d had many valued moments with Subaru as a shadow, and was glad Subaru could remember them. Except… 

“Sharing blood… and then you died…” Julius furrowed his brow. “That means you must have died between meeting me at the Capital and attempting to share blood after the defeat of Sloth.” 

“Yep,” Subaru said, puffing out a sigh. “Let me catch you up.” 

“...” 

“...” 

“...It was my fault after all,” Julius said. Felix had his hands folded in front of his mouth, completely silent. 

“What? No,” Subaru said, frowning. 

Subaru had been very tempted to hide some of what happened during his ‘death loops’ from Julius and Felix. The only problem was that Reinhard was watching with big sad eyes from the corner, and he would likely be disappointed with any dishonesty. Still, Subaru was pretty scant on details. He managed to avoid going in-depth with most of his interactions with Echidna and the Witches (leaving out how he'd legitimately considered Echidna's contract, and his “I’ll save you” comment to Satella) and it had been going... not well, but it had been going. Inevitably though Julius had asked how Subaru had died after crossing blood with Julius. 

("I got killed by Betelgeuse," Subaru said.

"But Subaru, didn't Julius k--" Reinhard cut himself off, at Subaru frantically shaking his head. 

"Didn't Julius what?" Julius asked, now suspicious. "What did I do?")

Dammit Reinhard.

But, even if Subaru's lie had lasted more than five seconds, Julius probably would have found a way to blame himself regardless. Likely saying he should have been faster or looked after Subaru better. So maybe there was no difference, except that Felix looked guilty now too for his involvement. 

“I've killed you,” Julius said. He pulled up his sleeve, revealing a trifecta of soulmarks, one of them the half-black half-orange circle that represented his connection to Subaru. “I don’t… deserve it…” 

“Sometimes bad stuff just happens, Julius,” Subaru said. “And it isn’t your fault. You both did the best you could.” 

“One of the virtues of knighthood,” Reinhard said quietly, “Is sacrifice. A noble knight will attempt to salvage a situation however they can.” 

Julius put a hand to his forehead, seeming dazed. 

“I think,” Felix said. “Right now, the best thing we can do is have something to eat.” 

It wasn't the worst idea. But still... “Are you okay, Felix?” Subaru asked. 

"Yeah," Felix said. He still wouldn't look Subaru in the eye. 

“Wait for a moment,” Julius said. “Subaru, I have something for you.” 

He undid his inner coat pocket and took out two smooth, round pieces of metal. He handed one of them to Subaru. 

“What is it?” Subaru popped it open, to reveal a mirror inside. 

Julius opened his, and to Subaru’s surprise, suddenly he could see a tiny copy of Julius’ face in the mirror. 

“Anastasia-sama helped me pick out a gift,” Julius said. “She thought that this would be… something that indicated that despite us losing our connection, that I still wanted to get to know you.” Julius’ voice echoed tinnily out of the two-way mirror. He snapped it shut. “But… given current events…” 

Julius stretched out his arm, offering his mirror to Reinhard. 

“My friend…” Reinhard said. 

“Take it, please.” 

Reinhard took the mirror and bowed. “Thank you for your trust in me.” 

Subaru closed his mirror. He didn’t want to ask how rare these mirrors were, or how expensive. 

“Then,” Subaru said. “Let’s get something to eat.” 

Ram served them a few snacks upon request (though not without throwing some insults towards Subaru) and everyone took a break from discussion in order to eat crackers and sliced meats. Subaru was honestly grateful for the break from storytelling. He felt a bit hollow, like he’d scooped everything out in order to show them. Julius vanished for a second to “freshen up” but Subaru guessed he just wanted to collect himself in private. He came back a few minutes later looking slightly more keen. 

“Julius,” Subaru said under his breath after the man had come back. 

“Yes?”

“You realize… I’m glad you’re my soulmate, right?” 

Subaru thought that he might have seen Julius’ breath hitch, but it was gone in an instant, hidden beneath Julius’ cool and calm facade. 

“Thank you, Subaru,” Julius said. 

--There wasn’t anything else Subaru could say.