Archive of Our Own ^beta

Alex’s eyes burned.

It shouldn’t have been her main concern; she could barely walk, and she was trembling so much that a stiff breeze could easily take her down. But it was her main concern, because if she couldn’t see through the stinging spots in her vision, she’d never be able to make her way back.

Her hand trembled as she reached under her glasses to rub her eyes, only to be met with a stinging sensation and vision further blurred.

Her fingers came back bloody. There must have been blood in her eyes. There must have been blood everywhere.

She swallowed, dry throat aching, and haphazardly wiped her hands across the front of her sweatshirt.

No, not hers - Gabe’s. Tucked in the back of his dresser, presumably forgotten about when he moved in with Charlotte. And now it was dirty and ripped and smeared with blood, another memento of him destroyed.

Alex’s lip wobbled as she looked down at the stains, eyes dragging in and out of focus. She wanted to let herself cry - maybe it would help clear her eyes - but she was too weak and dehydrated to produce any tears. So her pain stayed balled up tightly in her chest with no opportunity for relief.

She had to get out of here. She had to gather up whatever strength she had left and find her way back. No one knew she was out here; no one knew to look for her.

Except Jed.

Fuck.

She stepped back from the mine’s entrance, testing her balance on the rough gravel.

I can do this.

She could. She had to.

One foot in front of the other, she kept moving, willing her trembling legs to stay steady. When she inhaled, the air still tinged with the scent of burnt explosives, a sharp crackle of searing pain spread across her chest, lighting her on fire. She gasped, nearly toppling over as she braced her hand tightly across her left side.

Something must be broken. It was no shock, really.

She suddenly remembered her phone, wedged in the back pocket of her jeans. There would be no service out here, but she had to at least entertain the idea as she pulled it free.

The lack of service didn’t matter. The phone wouldn’t turn on, the screen so cracked that splinters of glass bit into Alex’s already-bloodied fingers.

It was worth a shot, at least.

Just start walking. She would lose her nerve if she let herself think about the gravity of the situation.

But after only a few minutes, she was already winded, each breath burning in her lungs. She had no choice but to stop, trying desperately to get enough air.

When she turned around to check her progress, a chill ran through her as reality set in.

She had barely moved at all.

“Shit.” Panic threatened to pull her under as she tried to keep her composure. How was she going to do this? Her entire body was trembling, her vision was blurring in and out, and she just couldn’t find the strength to go any faster.

She’d just have to keep moving at this pace, then. This slow, agonizing, exhausting pace. It was her only option.

As she stumbled down the shaded gravel trail, she tried not to look down. Partly because she was already so dizzy and disoriented, and partly because she didn’t want to keep staring at all the blood. She didn’t even know where it was coming from, what parts of her were broken, how hurt she really was.

Because everything hurt, only dulled by she razor-sharp edge of adrenaline. It gave her the strength to keep pushing forward, but she knew she was running on borrowed time. Eventually, her exhaustion would overpower her.

Keep moving. She repeated it silently, a mantra that kept her limping down the isolated stretch of forest that seemed to go on forever.

Her sweaty fingers tightened around her mother’s filthy locket, fingers stroking the intricate floral design. It kept her grounded, reminded her who she was and why she was doing this.

She was a Chen. And she was going to honor the family that was stolen from her. She just had to survive first.

But then the heat of her father’s anger began to burn her skin, the necklace feeling like a glowing coal fresh out of the fire. Alex shoved it into her pocket, where the flames could be extinguished.

She didn’t need to rely on her father’s secondhand anger. She had enough of her own.

The weight of grief and pain and betrayal churning through her body twisted her stomach into knots, demanding her attention, but she shoved them down. She couldn’t process any of that now. If she fell apart, she wouldn’t be able to pull herself back together.

And she had to keep her composure. She had to if she wanted the truth to be known. She had to if she wanted to avenge Gabe.

Fuck, Alex had to keep moving if she wanted to see Steph again. To feel the warmth of her tanned, freckled skin, to bask in the glow of seemingly endless joy, to kiss her soft, smiling lips...

You’re still alive, she reminded herself. You’re the one who can make it count, so make it count.

Remembering the night before was painful, but Steph’s joy wasn’t. So Alex tried to focus on the memory, the yellow beam of warmth lodged deep in her chest, tucked behind everything that was broken.

Kissing Steph had been magical. Just thinking about it filled Alex’s body with a light, glowy feeling. Now, adrenaline wasn’t the only thing pushing her forward.

Sweat dripped from her forehead, mixing with the blood and stinging against her wounds. She swiped at her face with the sleeve of her sweatshirt, only managing to smear the blood around and intensify the burn. But she managed to keep her eyes clear, which was the most important thing.

Thank god her glasses hadn’t broken. Her body was totaled, probably fucked beyond repair, but her cheap wire frames remained intact.

The universe may have a sick sense of humor, but at least it had given her one small break. She was still alive and she could see more than three feet ahead, so she had two things going for her.

If she was actually still alive, because she wasn’t entirely sure anymore. She had fallen so far, and there was so much blood, it was hard to believe that she had actually managed to escape her father’s grave.

Maybe she’d turn a corner and Gabe would be there, forcing her to relive another awful repressed memory. Maybe this was all for nothing; maybe her body was still at the bottom of the mine, still and silent.

Panic crawled up her throat, and then her feet were skittering in the gravel as she scrabbled to keep her balance. She managed to right herself before she fell, at the expense of her tiny reserve of energy. The frantic movement sent fresh agony through her limbs, sharp and overwhelming.

Fuck, what if I fall?

The thought came barreling into her brain, screaming at her, demanding that she listen.

What if she just hit the ground and couldn’t get up again?

More sweat beaded at her hairline as the pain thundered through her, coming in sharp, crackly waves. The path in front of her wobbled as her vision swam, the pain turning her stomach. She wasn’t supposed to be doing this, and her body was paying for it with each step.

If she wasn’t already dead, she certainly would be soon.

She closed her eyes tightly, feet slowing to a stop as she tried to ground herself and stay focused. Her brain found that memory again, on the rooftop. Steph’s warm hands, her red cheeks, her beaming smile.

But then Alex was back in the Lantern. And then in Jed’s truck.

The mineshaft, cold and endless and looming. The sharp gunshot ringing through the trees, distorting her hearing, throwing her off balance, tipping her backward.

The feeling of freefall, stomach dropping and heart hammering and world spinning.

Her own panicked screams echoing through the shaft as she fell, the call that no one answered.

Even in memory, the screams were so loud that they hurt her ears. She clawed at her head desperately, trying to shake the awful sound out of it, trying to rip it free so it would stop hurting.

It wasn’t until her nails had left harsh scratches across the sides of her face, pulling her back to the present, that she realized it wasn’t a memory. She was the one screaming, here and now, in the middle of the woods.

Her aching lungs felt like they had been dug into with a hot poker, her chest burning as she tried to stabilize her ribs with her hand. Even when she stopped screaming, her throat continued to throb, making each swallow painful.

So much for trying not to think about it. It was going to stay in the forefront of her brain, regardless of her efforts to push it back.

Fine.

The trees overhead began to thin out, the sun so bright she had to squint. Every time she blinked, bright blurs of light stayed behind in her vision, leaving sparkly trails in front of her.

She kept propelling herself forward, gravel crunching under her heavy tread. If she couldn’t stop thinking about Jed, maybe she could use it as motivation. Once she was in town, once she faced him and forced everyone to see the kind of man he was, it would be easier to digest it all.

She had to believe that.

It was the screaming burn in her chest that forced her to take another break, the pain making her lightheaded. But she had been walking for so long, she had to have made significant progress.

Don’t look back, her brain pleaded.

She did it anyway.

The lack of progress sent her stomach plummeting. She could still see the entrance to the mine when she squinted. She hadn’t yet made it over the crest of the hill.

“Fuck!” She screamed out, no longer caring about wasting her energy. She was already exhausted, the kind of tired that blurred the world and made breathing a challenge.

What in god’s name had she done to deserve this? Was she really such an awful person that this was her punishment?

She wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Her eyes searched the ground, looking for a stick she could use to help hold her trembling body up. But the gravel path was empty of any stray greenery, and she couldn’t risk entering the woods to find one. If she went in, there was a very high chance she wouldn’t come back out.

She had no choice but to keep moving. Even though it hurt, even if it was going to kill her. For now, she was alive. Trembling, bleeding, broken, but alive. Jed hadn’t succeeded yet.

Her fingernails dug into the skin of her palms as she stumbled along, teeth gritted, eyes narrowed in focus. The heat of the necklace in her pocket was a reminder of what she needed to do.

She couldn’t let Jed win again. She couldn’t let him take another Chen down, not without a fight.

As the trail twisted, starting to angle downward, Alex wanted to look back again. She resisted, knowing that a visual reminder of how slowly she was moving would defeat her entirely.

Right now, she felt like the only person in the whole world. She had never felt more alone in her life.

And that was saying something.

Was anyone worried about her? Were they looking for her? Steph - surely she would have noticed that Alex never came back to the Spring Fest. And Ryan would know that something was wrong.

But maybe Alex was wrong. The thought alone was enough to send a fresh wave of agony through her body. Maybe nobody had noticed at all.

Or worse, maybe Steph thought that Alex had abandoned her. Picked up and left without so much as a goodbye.

And wasn’t that in her nature? It would be just like her to get scared and bolt, burning every bridge on her way out.

Jed could plant that seed so easily. “Alex is gone, her apartment is empty, she must have slipped out in the chaos of the Spring Fest.” Who wouldn’t believe him?

Alex would have believed him.

If she had the energy and the tears to cry, she would. The feelings were so painful that they doubled her over, hands braced on her knees. Her physical wounds were nothing compared to this, worse than her hand against a hot stove.

She was entirely, impossibly helpless. No one was coming for her.

Bent over, she allowed herself a second to wallow in the panic that was filling her chest. She squeezed her ribs tightly, trying to stabilize whatever was happening there, breath coming in rapid, painful gasps.

Only a moment, but then she had to keep going. She had to force herself to stand up straight and keep pushing forward.

It was another reason to find her way back to Haven, no matter how far away it felt. She couldn’t leave Steph wondering, questioning herself, unsure of what went wrong.

She had done that too many times; she wasn’t going to let Steph suffer in the same way because of her. She refused to let that happen.

Her feet found their pace again, slow but steady, as she tried to keep her ribs intact. It was getting harder to breathe now, lungs only filling up halfway before a burning hot stake of pain split through her chest.

But she couldn’t think about it. It was just another reason to give up, and she couldn’t afford any more of those.

She would kill for some water.

And some food. Some medical care would probably be good, too.

She squinted up at the sky, the warm sun beaming down on her. It would be nice to know what time it was. She had been in the mine all night, and she had no idea how much of the day had passed.

Regardless, she knew she was running on borrowed time. Her legs felt like jelly, her brain was foggy, and her thoughts were scattered. With every step, she had to remind herself what her goal was, because it kept slipping away.

Her head was pounding with a ferocity she had never felt before, nausea churning in her stomach as she shuffled through the gravel.

The gravel that should have turned into a road by now.

Abruptly, she stopped, confused. It was hard to see through the trees and the beaming sunlight and the fog in her brain. Wasn’t this the way back to Haven? She had been relying on the memory of last night, the route from asphalt to gravel, the way Jed had brought her here. But Jed hadn’t brought her to the opening of the mine, he had brought her to an external shaft. Which meant she didn’t actually know if she was going the right way at all.

She had been going straight, not paying attention to any other diverging trails. Was there a turnoff to Haven? Had she already passed it?

If she missed it, she would never find it again. It was already getting harder and harder to stay upright.

Alex cried out in frustration, rubbing her eyes roughly. She didn’t know these woods, didn’t know the routes and paths the way the locals did. Everything looked the same, an endless view of trees and mountains and isolation.

And god, she was so tired. Her body trembled with exhaustion and fear as reality set in. Did she really think she could make it out of these woods? It was such a stupid, impossible plan. She was probably going in circles, and the mine would soon appear in front of her again. How long before the pain truly set in, when the adrenaline faded out entirely and the dulled-out agony took hold? There was no way she’d be able to keep moving when that happened.

She wanted to go home.

She wanted Shu-Shu. She wanted her mom.

She wanted the bullet to have hit its mark. She wanted anything that would end this nightmare.

Her hesitant footsteps crunched against the gravel as she spun in half-circles, lip wobbling as she tried to figure out when or if the path diverged. The fuzzy spots in her vision were growing larger, bringing a wave of vertigo with them. The sun was warm, but she was so unbearably cold, painful shivers contracting her muscles. She tucked her hands into her sleeves as sweat beaded at her hairline.

Keep walking, she urged herself. Just keep going. She couldn’t stop. She couldn’t, she couldn’t, she couldn’t-

Her foot caught in the gravel, skidding and throwing her off balance. Before she could right herself, her leg slid out from under her, making a sickening pop as it twisted. Without her hands free to catch herself, she landed hard on her hip, knocking the wind from her already breathless lungs. Her body was dragged down the slope of gravel, her glasses slipping from her face as her head slammed against the ground.

She couldn’t breathe. The pain turned her vision white.

Her abdomen spasmed violently as she dry heaved, her stomach already painfully empty. Through her blurred, spotty vision, she saw a spray of blood spattering the gravel.

Well, that’s not good.

A crackly, hoarse laugh bubbled out of her, even though nothing was funny. Cheek pressed to the ground, she swiped her sleeve across her bloody lips, her mouth filling with the sharp taste of copper.  

At least it couldn’t get any worse, because the worst had just happened. This was the thought that set panic alight in her chest. She had been pulled down, and she knew she wouldn’t be getting back up again.

Every time she thought the wave of pain had passed, it crested over her again, her muscles spasming as she gasped for air. It was all she felt. There would never be anything but the pain, ever again. It was consuming her, fading everything else out, forcing her to feel it.

All of it.

Fresh blood stung her heavy-lidded eyes. She didn’t have the energy to wipe it away this time.

Automatically, like a deep-rooted reflex, she dug around in her pocket for the necklace. Her fingers tightened around it, despite the burning heat against her palm.

Alex’s father had died with her in his fist. It only felt right to go in the same way.

It was laughable to think that she could just stumble back into town. Even if she hadn’t been so badly injured, she had no idea how to navigate these woods. This was a foolish dream of the helpless little girl that lived inside her.

Maybe someone will come, that little girl still hoped. Maybe they’ll come for you.

But grown-up Alex knew better. Nobody was coming, and holding on to that hope would only make reality more painful.

Maybe this was how it was always supposed to end. She got to see Gabe again, got to meet the people and place he had loved so much. She had set some things right, helped a little, made a difference.

It wasn’t for nothing, she told herself, eyes stinging with tears that refused to come. Her life hadn’t been for nothing.

I’m sorry, Gabe.

Finally giving in to the pain was a relief, in a way. It felt good to finally let it set her on fire, to stop pushing it down, to let it consume whatever was left of her.

She curled her limbs in, pressing the locket to her rapidly-beating heart. She just prayed that it wouldn’t get more painful, that death came for her quickly.

She thought about Steph again.

Sweet, quippy Steph, who had lit the whole town up with her joy. The rainbow of her emotions, the gentleness that was a soothing balm against Alex’s raw emotional wounds. The way she made Alex feel lighter, brighter, and safer than she had felt in years.

The first tear finally dropped, catching on her lower lashes. Then another, then another. Her lip wobbled, chest heaving with sobs she didn’t have the energy to let free.

She would miss Steph. She would miss what could have been.

Her fingers stretched across the gravel, reaching out blindly for her glasses. They had caught in the rocks, frames slightly bent, but they still hadn’t broken.

Damn.

She lifted them back onto her face, because she wanted to clearly see the sunlight and the trees and the birds flitting through the branches. If nothing else, maybe it would assuage a bit of her fear.

The lenses were filthy, streaked and smeared and scratched. But they were still holding together.

She blinked quickly as her eyes focused through the dirt. And the smudged dot of green that caught in her peripheral vision.

She rubbed at her eyes beneath her glasses, swiping away the tears, thinking it was just a blip in her slowly-dying brain.

It wasn’t. It was the neon sign above Charlotte’s store, and she could see it.

She was at the top of the hill, and Haven was beneath her, the buildings tiny but visible. She had almost made it.

There was no way she could get back up. She was already so weak, and her knee was killing her, and her head was filled with a fog that kept her thoughts from aligning correctly.

Fight, her brain whispered. And it wasn’t her own voice; it was Gabe’s, still lingering, still pushing her forward.

She had to do it for him. She had to pick herself up and keep moving. She had to get justice for her brother.

She had to get justice for herself, too.

Slowly, painfully, she started to push herself up on trembling arms. As soon as she shifted her weight onto them, they buckled, sending her face-first into the gravel again.

No. She couldn’t give up.

Gritting her teeth, she tried again. Her muscles trembled with exertion as she lifted herself up, the pain bringing fresh, frustrated tears to her eyes. First she got to her knees, then she forced herself upright, swaying but standing nonetheless.

This was the home stretch. She was a Chen; she wasn’t going down without a fight.

Her steps were even slower this time, more of a shuffle than a true walking pace. She kept her gaze steady, trying to step carefully so she wouldn’t fall again. There were no second chances.

The scorching heat of the locket helped her stay steady. She was still alive, and she was going to try her damndest to keep it that way.

Finally, finally, the harsh gravel turned to smooth asphalt, and it became easier to maintain her footing. She was nearly there; the town was coming closer into view with each step. She could make out that neon sign, the leftover sprays of flowery from the Spring Fest, the shimmering lake.

She was almost home.

The town was quiet, and Alex assumed everyone was at home and hungover from the night before. It was a relief, honestly. If anyone saw her now, they might try to stop her, and she had to focus. She had to get to the Lantern before Jed could think up a contingency plan, some way to twist the story of what happened. She had to catch him off guard.

The council meeting, she remembered suddenly. Everyone would be in the Lantern for the council meeting. Relief flooded through her veins at the realization that there would be an audience. They’d see him for who he really was, truths unburied and laid out for everyone to see.

The worst part was almost over.

Fuck, Alex couldn’t wait to see Steph.

As she slowly paced off the main road and into town square, her heart sank as she remembered Ryan. He would be so devastated to know the truth about who his father was.

But he deserved to know who his father was. The good and the bad.

 Alex clutched the locket tighter in her bloody fist.

Her reflection in one of the dark shop windows caught her eye. She looked terrifying. Covered in blood, clothes ripped and stained, eyes dark with her father’s anger.

Her father’s, or her own? It all seemed to blend together now.

Alex’s shuffle-steps continued past the record store, where Val’s beady eyes glared at her, tail flicking discontentedly.

At least somebody was behaving normally.

Her fingers stayed braced across her ribcage, pushing in with as much pressure as she could tolerate. She knew it was probably in her head, but she worried that if she pulled her hand back, it would be covered in dark, sticky blood.

Best to keep her palm where it was.

Fierce exhaustion crept up her skin the closer she got to the Lantern, like her body knew she had almost made it to the finish line. The bone-numbing chill running down her spine was a sharp contrast to the burning hot flames licking at the hand clutching the necklace. She could barely lift her right leg anymore, and it dragged limply behind her as she walked.

Still, she had a job to do.

This was the worst pain she had ever felt in her life. And she was still standing.

A small, long-forgotten part of herself swelled with pride. She had made it.

The anger was getting stronger, her chest filling with a heat that had nothing to do with her broken ribs. Jed was inside the bar, probably twisting the story right at this moment, having no idea that she was still alive.

She was going to scare the shit out of him. And that was going to feel really fucking good.

Her sweaty fingers trembled around the locket, a lifeline to hold on to. She was going to need strength to get through this, strength from the little Gabe and Alex that lived inside the necklace.

It was almost over. She was safe now.

But anxiety was still pooling at the bottom of her stomach, chilling her to the core. She inhaled as deeply as her ribs allowed as she peeked into the lantern, past the sign noting its closure. Everyone was inside. Steph, Ryan, Char, Pike.

Jed.

Everyone that mattered was there. Some of the anxiety in Alex’s body fizzled out, leaving room for the anger. The anger she needed, the anger that had kept her alive for so many years.

She’d have to put it down at some point. But it could serve her one more time. So she closed her eyes, steeled herself, and leaned into that burning heat in her chest.

Then she opened her eyes, and opened the door.