Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Can you please not make this about yourself?”

Buck looked over at his mom – vigil at Chimney and Maddie’s house. It’s not like any of them were sleeping. He hadn’t touched his takeout. Buck had been so good all day, because Bobby was here, and Bobby always hoped the best for his parents, even though every time he did, he wanted to tell him – sorry, lost cause, they’re not good like you. He wanted to not be the problem. He wanted to sink into the background because it wasn’t him and the fact that he felt like microwaved death every morning lately, could barely get himself to go to work. It was that Maddie was gone. She would, of course, be hounding him on symptoms, hand to his forehead, barely restraining herself from taking his blood pressure, and holding out her hand demanding his phone. “You book an appointment in MyChart or I do,” she’d say. She’d probably bully him until he did. She wasn’t here. This wasn’t about him.

And he hadn’t made this about himself, not really. It’s just that he could only hold back so much. His mom had completely reverted to old ways and it wasn’t fair that he didn’t get to either. Made a snide remark about a stain on his pants, the crack on his iPhone, taking care of his possessions. He never did then, either, apparently. That’s why I took your tax return and didn’t give it to you, see, went unsaid. You can see how it was a wise choice. Bobby was looking between Buck and his mom, and he knew he was absolutely about to make himself the problem if he stayed in the room so he left, called Eddie.

Eddie didn’t answer. He’d been answering less these days. El Paso took him, swallowed him whole, and now they were drifting apart. It’s not like there were that many places to hide in Maddie and Chimney’s tiny house, but he checked on Jee first. Still sleeping, arms cuddled to her narwhal stuffie Buck had gotten her from the aquarium. He slid down the wall, touching the other side of it with his feet. Nothing made him feel safe right now. You don’t deserve to feel safe. You’re greedy, wanting to feel safe. Do not divert energy from your sister, he told himself, and at first it was just that he was hitting himself with his iPhone. It wasn’t enough. Nothing was enough. If he could have what he needed, he needed somewhere tight, alone, to squeeze into.

He didn’t stop until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He barely heard Bobby’s voice, gentle, taking his phone from him. So he was hitting himself instead, until Bobby looped his arm around both of Buck’s, scooping him into a hug.

“No no no no no,” Buck begged, because this was it, this was exactly the thing, the sobs escaping his chest, but Bobby just held him closer. “No I just…I just..I just…’

“Let’s go for a drive, Buck.”

“I don’t want to leave if something happens.”

“Then we’ll come back. Athena will text me the minute there’s any news."

“Okay. Let me get my water bottle.” He went to refill it, strategically not looking at anyone else, and Bobby waited for him by the front door. Buck just watched out the window while Bobby drove. He wasn’t exactly getting along with Bobby, either. When Maddie went missing, Buck immediately tried to break every rule or law he could find in order to go get her. Not just go get her, but trade for her. Maddie and the baby had to go free. They wouldn’t let him, though. Athena still wouldn’t tell him things. It’s not like he had the endurance. He felt like shit, and dismissed it as just being in a crisis. Bobby watched as he drank from his water bottle.

“You ok? Drinking a ton of water, Buck.”

“Yeah. Staying hydrated,” he said, his tone flat.

“I’m worried about you, Buck. You need to make a doctor’s appointment.”

“I’m just worried about Maddie,” he said. “Don’t have to sedate me again,” he said. “Don’t worry. I’m not about to run.” The first night or two had been spent at Bobby’s house, part of the time having to be physically held back from running and only sleeping once Bobby convinced him to take Ativan.

“I know.” Bobby could always take his attitude. “I didn’t see you eat your food. Let’s go get something, okay?”

“Can I stay in your house tonight?” He asked, finishing off the water bottle.

“Yeah, Buck. You can.”

When they got to the drive thru, Buck took off his seatbelt. “Gonna use their restroom, be right back.”

When they got home to Bobby’s house, he was refilling the water bottle, sitting at the table and starting in on the tacos Bobby had gotten him. Bobby sat with him. “I’m sorry, Buck. About your mom.”

Buck shook his head, getting the fidget toy he held in his pocket out- it was a small video game controller style and had lots of things to click on. “Defective parts, right? Maddie’s not here, so…we’ve reverted. Just sucks I have to be on my best behavior and she doesn’t.”

“You doing your best right now doesn’t mean the way she treats you is okay, Buck.”

“She’d probably be mad if I went to the doctor. You know, making it about myself.”

“Did your parents tell you that when you were younger? Do stuff like discourage you from going to the doctor? I know you got attention from them by being injured, but what about sickness?”

Buck hadn’t thought about it before. He sat, chewing the soft taco. Yes, was obviously the answer, and he’d carried it. He still did.

“What symptoms are you having?” Bobby continued. “Besides the thirst.”

“I’m fine. Just tired.”

“I don’t think you are, though.”

Buck went to drink more water and realized it was empty. “Can I refill this?”

“Yeah. You don’t have to ask if you can have tap water, Buck.”

Eddie called while Buck was filling up the water bottle and he came back to answer it.

“Hey. Sorry I missed your call earlier, Buck. I was busy. You ok?”

“Uh, no, honestly. I’m at Bobby’s house.”

“Want to facetime?”

“Yeah. Gonna go to the couch.” He threw the food trash away and lay on the couch, answering Eddie’s facetime, sipping water while he did.

“Hey bud,” Eddie said. “Worried about you. You look really pale.”

“Focus on Maddie,” he said. “We need to be focusing on Maddie.”

“Buck,” said Eddie. “Right now, I’m going to focus on you. Need me to come home?”

He shook his head. “Not before you’re ready. How’s Chris?”

“He’s good. Good as a moody teenager gets.”

“Can we like…exist in silence but don’t hang up on me? Just be?”

“Yeah, we can. I’d love to.”

Buck lay on his side, sipping from the water bottle, and scrolled on his phone.

“Hey Buck,” said Eddie after he noticed Buck’s eyes drooping.

“Mmm,” Buck rubbed his eyes.

“You are very important to me. Don’t tell anyone, but second to my kid, you’re the most important person in my life. So, while I know nothing is going okay right now, I need you to not do anything stupid. Can you do that?”

“Yeah, I’m not working right now.”

“Well…good. You’re not fit for duty, but I mean other stuff, too. Promise me you’re not doing anything rash?”

“Feel too much like shit to do that,” he said. “So you’re good.”

“Any chance you’ll see a doctor?”

Buck glared at him.

“Thought so. Okay, well. Get some sleep?”

“Yeah. Eddie?”

“Hmmm?”

“I love you,” he said.

Eddie’s eyes softened. “I love you, too. A lot. So I mean it. No doing anything rash, you hear me?”

“I’m just gonna sleep. Promise.”

Eddie did not have a good feeling, and he started looking up flight prices.

Chapter Text

The first time he fainted was in his own apartment. He missed the stairs by two seconds and hit his head on his doorknob on the way down. He just lost consciousness for a second, but it was enough to push loose the connection he had with his body. There was the peeing, of course. He was waking up from sleep either to pee or to obey his body’s demand to drink the ocean. Sometimes the desire was too strong for him to get his water bottle or a cup, just bending over the sink as if he were a cat. He’d be desperate to just get back to sleep but his body wouldn’t let him.

The thirst was disturbing. It was making him resent water. It was definitely making him resent how much he had to pee. He was able to explain away the cut on his forehead easy enough, but that was before he fainted in front of other people. He sort of felt it come on, in Athena and Bobby’s kitchen this time, but Bobby, his parents, Chimney and Jee were there. They’d just ordered lunch. He felt like he was going to die. Why did he feel like he was going to die? He had lasted time without eating before, but his heart was pounding. There was a banana in the fruit bowl right beside him, but it felt like it was a million miles away. He was bent over, head in his arms on the counter in an attempt to stabilize himself.

He didn’t know he’d lost his feet until he felt Bobby’s arm around him and everyone exclaiming. Great. Now it was going to be a thing and his mom was going to be mad, especially if this nausea he was feeling overtook him, which he prayed it didn’t. Briefly, he did pass out, the last thing recorded in his brain being arms around him, one hand behind his head to make sure he didn’t hit it. Athena’s face was the first one he saw, stern. “I didn’t throw up, did I?”

“No, you didn’t. But you’re scaring us all, Buck. White as a sheet.”

“Buck, what is going on?” his mom’s voice. More than a twinge of irritation. He needed to get up, or the ‘dramatic’ accusations would start. Jee wedged her way in, having wiggled out. She had a gummy worm in her hand and presented it to him. He took it, trying not to let the guilt take over, and chewed on the gummy worm.

“I’m fine, Jee. Just tired.” She patted his cheek and he kissed her hand.

“Okay, let’s get you up,” said Bobby. “You’ve got it. Nice and slow. That’s right, kid. I’ve got you.”

His mom looked a mixture of worried and annoyed, and he didn’t know what to do with that. It was easier when she was just mad at him. “I’m okay, I promise. Just tired.”

“No you’re not,” said Bobby. “Eddie called me last night to talk about you,” he said, taking him over to the couch.

“It’s stress. It’s just stress,” he said.

“This the first time you’ve fainted?” He asked, looking him in the eye. Buck didn’t answer right away.

“I just don’t feel good. I want to go home and rest.”

“Sure you don’t want to just rest in our guestroom?”

Acutely aware this was, indeed, taking attention away from his sister, he shook his head. “No. I want to go home. Just text me if something comes up.”

“I’m going to drive you home. I don’t want you driving right now.”

Buck crossed his arms in the car. “What did Eddie want?” He asked.

“He’s worried,” Bobby said. “You know, I could take you to an urgent care and no one would have to know. They’ll just confirm you’re okay.”

Buck sighed. “No. I’m going to take a nap and it’ll get better.”

“Okay. If it’s not better in 3 days, we’re going to the hospital.” He pulled into Buck’s parking lot.

“Overdramatic,” he said, “but fine, Dad.”

“Me being a parent to you doesn’t just mean warm and fuzzy, okay? It means you’re accountable to me. it means you have to stay.”

Buck looked up at him.

“Okay,” he said. “I’m going to be fine, Bobby. Promise.”

“You better, Kid.”

All he wanted to do was nap and pretend nothing existed, so he did. He wanted to escape. He didn’t want to stay for Bobby, if he was honest. He didn’t want this stupid cursed body anymore that ached deeply in his cursed leg every time it got cold, that now could not stop fainting. He had googled his symptoms, of course. He knew not to, but Maddie wasn’t here to ask. POTS had been the main suggestion. So if he went to a doctor, that would probably be the diagnosis. Not much he could do about it.

He didn’t want to see a doctor. He wanted to die, comfortable here in his bed, because maybe in some cosmic trade, Maddie would go free. So he stayed. As the pain got worse, he stayed. He migrated from the bed to the bathroom as the throwing up started, and when he became faintly aware there was a key turning in the lock, that’s where he was, sweaty, recovering. There wasn’t anything left, but he was just throwing up clear liquid. The pain was severe. If asked, he’d say ‘everywhere’, but it was mostly his abdomen. He pressed himself against the bathroom tile. The cold was relieving. Who was at the door? He couldn’t get himself to care. After getting sick, each time he sank deeper into a peaceful spot where he thought he might die for a second before the pain started again, and then that overtook him.

“Buck, where are…” that couldn’t possibly be Eddie’s voice, because Eddie was in Texas. He was dreaming. He’d keep dreaming. Eddie knelt down behind him, hand on his forehead. “Hey. You’re burning up.”

Buddie was mustering everything he had to respond to him. “Not feeling good.” He didn’t try to say he was okay. The pain came again, and he just cried, wishing it would kill him. “Hurts so bad.”

“Think you can walk, bud?”

“Not, like, down the stairs.” He sat up against the shower door. “If you’re going to force me to go somewhere I’m taking a shower.”

“I’d feel better if you skipped it and let me call an ambulance. “

But he was already scooting into the shower, not standing at any point, turning the water on and then starting to take his clothes off. It was a mess. Eddie sighed, opening the door. “Come on. Let me help just get those off, okay?” He pulled the wet shirt off, and Buck pushed his boxers down.

“Look away, look away – this isn’t how I want you to see me naked for the first time.” Eddie shut the shower door.

“I’m looking away. Getting you clothes. Don’t stand up if you can help it.”

“Okay. I’m mostly all clean. Can you, like, not look but turn the water off? And give me a towel?” He asked. Eddie reached in and turned the shower off.

“if you call an ambulance, Bobby’s going to know and be mad. And then my parents will know and be mad.” Eddie handed him a towel and he started drying off with it. “I need help,” he admitted.

“I know,” said Eddie. “Arms up. Comfy clothes only, I promise.” He helped him get dressed.

“Okay. I’m going to get you up, and we’re going to see if I can get you downstairs. If I can, we’re going to go to the hospital. If I can’t, we’re calling an ambulance.” He was surprised at how hard it was to stand, and leaned on Eddie. “Okay. Slow. One step at a time.”

Buck leaned on him, but it was clear just the walk down the stairs took a lot out of him, and he slumped onto a kitchen chair. Eddie picked up the keys to the jeep. “Lot easier to get you into this than the truck. Come on, Buck.” He cramped up again once in the passenger seat, and tried to make himself into a ball.

The thought occurred to him, then- he was going to die. he felt his heart speed up. Eddie was backing out of the parking lot. Buck watched him, happy, unable to keep a smile off his face. He reached his hand out and touched Eddie’s arm. It wasn’t so much about wanting it anymore as it was knowing. He let his eyes flutter closed.

“Nope. I know you’re sleepy, but I’m going to need you to stay awake, Buck.”

“No but I know…” he started. His head hurt. He felt Eddie’s hand on his forehead again at a stoplight. He didn’t keep his eyes open. Eddie held his hand. I know I’m going to die, he wanted to say. It seemed so clear and there could be no more perfect way. There would be nothing for him to find, to clean up. He wanted to die this way anyway – happy, with his hand in Eddie’s. Eddie was there when he got crushed by the fire truck, holding his hand. He was told he was there when he died, too. He would be selfish just this once. He wanted Eddie here with him now.

“Buck,” Eddie said. “Stay with me. We’re really close. Buck! Buck!”

He opened his eyes. “There’s a knife stabbing into my skull,” he said. “You’re covered in rainbows.” He was. He could barely see Eddie because of the rainbows covering him. It was beautiful.

“What? Buck, no- stay awake. We’re almost there!”

He started seizing one block away. Eddie managed not to wreck, barely getting them into the ER parking lot.

Chapter Text

Buck could hear everything throughout the seizure, the terrified yell from Eddie as he tried not to wreck, the tires screeching as he swerved in the parking lot. The frenzied. “HELP! HE’S SEIZING. About a minute, give or take? I think he had a visual aura right before. Help. Hey buddy, I’m right here. It’s okay, Buck. It’s okay.” He could feel the air on him. “No, he’s never had one before.”

The gurney, the cold. He came out of it slow, and Eddie took his hand as soon as he did. He didn’t even ask, he just came with them, firing off a spelling error ridden text to Bobby to let them know where they were.

“My name is Maria. I’m one of the doctors here. What’s your name? Can you lay back for me?” The doctor asked him once they’d gotten him inside. He was facing Eddie, but he did lay back. No one in the room was panicked, and Eddie kept his hand, but stepped back a bit.

“Evan,” he said, closing his eyes again. He very much hated it when she checked his pupillary reaction and kicked his feet.

“Hi Evan. We’re going to take care of you. That the first time you’ve had a seizure?” A nurse came in, another one, and Eddie let his hand go, stepping back to the corner of the room.

“I’m here, Buck. I’ve got to let them work,” said Eddie.

“Yeah. I’m not feeling good.”

“You cut your forehead. Was that today?”

“No, last week. I fell. Fainted.”

“Still hasn’t healed,” she observed. “What else is going on, Evan? Do you prefer to be called Buck?”

“Yeah. My friend brought me in. I’m not feeling good. Can’t stop throwing up. Lots of pain.”

“Where’s your pain?”

“Everywhere, but like, stomach I guess? And today it was a bad headache right before the seizure.”

“He’s been sick for about 2 weeks,” said Eddie. “He’s been drinking a lot of water – like, more than normal – and in general not feeling good. He fainted more recently, too. I just got here today. I didn’t know he was this sick.”

“Okay, Buck. I’m going to measure your blood sugar, okay? It’s just a standard test.”

Buck looked confused but he let one of the nurses have his hand while another finalized an IV in his arm.

“792. No wonder you don’t feel good, Buck. I think that’s why you seized, but we’ll be sending you in for a CT scan, as well. The most important thing I’m going to do right now is get some insulin started for you, and we’re going to get your levels normalized. I need to run more tests to see what else is going on, so they’re going to take some blood. Do you have a history of diabetes?”

He couldn’t process this. It was too much. The value had to be wrong, so he didn’t answer her at first. He looked up at her, finally. “No, no I don’t. I’ve …no.”

“Okay. It’s fine if you’re having trouble adjusting but when your blood sugar is this high, your life is in danger, so we need to move quickly here, okay?”

“Where’s Eddie? Don’t make him leave.”

“I won’t, not right now. I’m going to get some pain medicine for you and some anti-nausea medicine as well. I don’t want you getting up, so we’re going to catheterize you. I know, no fun. Gotta do it, okay? Especially because I need to see where we are as far as ketones."

It was a blur of vials and tubes, IV bags being hung. Eddie approached when there was space, reaching over, squeezing his shoulder. “You’re going to feel so much better, Buck. So much better.”

Buck did not want to acknowledge anything about that, so he didn’t. He just stared. Once the anti-nausea meds hit, it sent adrenaline coursing through him, and that made him need to get up and move, so he tried, sitting up. “Need to leave, need to leave, need to get up,” he said.

“No,” said Eddie, hitting the call light. “No you don’t. You need to lay down.” He finished clasping the buttons on his shoulders.

“It’s so cold in here,” he whined. He looked at his clothes, in the chair in the corner of the room. “I need to go, Eddie.” The nurse came in and repeated the sentiment.

“You don’t need to go anywhere,” she said. “You’re where you need to be. Reglan can cause your adrenaline to spike, which might be what you’re feeling right now.”

“I have to move,” said Buck. “Need to get out of here.”

“Can he have Ativan?” asked Eddie. He was running his fingers gently down Buck’s back. “Nope, no removing IVs, Buck. You won’t like what happens when you do that.” He placed his hand over Buck’s IV so he couldn’t reach it to try to peel the tape off.

The Ativan got approved, and Buck leaned against Eddie as it started. Eddie wrapped an arm around him.

“I told Bobby,” he said. “They should be here soon.”

“I want Maddie. I just want Maddie,” he said.

“I know,” he said, kissing his forehead. “Let’s get you better so that you can talk to her when she gets back,” he said.

Another seizure came, Eddie stepping back to the corner of the room, all of his medical knowledge going out the window when he saw all of the machines beeping. Still, they were all so calm. They pushed him out of the room, and he didn’t resist. “He’s really scared, so if he asks for me, can I come back? He’ll comply better if I’m here,” he said, trying to watch what was going on behind the nurse. Buck’s eyes were closed. He wasn’t moving. His skin was pale enough to pass for transparent. He stopped letting the nurse move him, heart falling into his stomach. “He’s alive, right? He’s got to be alive. He was just talking to me.”

“Yes. He’s alive. He’s in a diabetic coma. We’re doing everything we can. We’re going to come update you as soon as possible.”

“I’m still here, buddy,” he said, raising his voice in case Buck could hear everything going on, and finally turned around. Athena, Chimney, Hen, Karen, Bobby, and Buck’s parents were there. Chimney held Jee, barely disguising his panic.

The news sounded foreign on his lips, too, so he didn’t say anything. He just took Bobby’s invitation of open arms and hugged him. He knew he had to pull it together. Everyone was going to think he was dead. “Um,” he said. “Diabetic coma,” he said. “He’s…they’re doing what they can. He had a seizure coming in and then he had another one just a minute ago. They made me leave.” He watched Buck’s parents react, the guilt and terror on their faces. “His blood sugar was 792,” he said, looking at Bobby.

“So when he fainted,” Margaret said. “He could’ve had low blood sugar.”

“Could’ve,” said Eddie. “We don’t know. They weren’t giving him breathing support- like he’s not intubated. He was breathing on his own. They started an insulin drip right before he seized again, so I don’t know if he reacted to something or it just didn’t have time to take effect. I don’t know. He’s really scared,” he said, Bobby’s hand on his shoulder. “The anti nausea medication made him anxious and he was trying to leave, but they won’t let him stand. I barely got him down his stairs, so I don’t think he would go anywhere if they tried.”

“You can’t help him in that room right now,” said Bobby. “Giving them space to work on him is the best thing you can do.”

He tried to believe it, but wouldn’t let himself sit down.

Chapter Text

Buck did not want to face this. Not when he woke up after they got his blood sugar down, not when they got him to a room and his parents came to see him.

“We’re not mad,” his mom said, kissing his forehead. “I promise we’re not mad. It’s going to be okay.” He didn’t respond because responding meant saying the word and acknowledging what was going on. He didn’t. Bobby sat with him, and he let Bobby speak but didn’t respond. It’s going to be okay, this doesn’t mean you can’t be a firefighter, you just have to get your levels under control. He didn’t give a single reaction and he wasn’t eating his food. He was not even considering that whatever he ate could send him back into a seizure or a coma. It was that he didn’t want to face anything at all, so he shut down. He wanted Maddie back. He decided to not face any of it until he could have Maddie back. She’d know exactly what to do. And if he couldn’t have her back, if something had happened, well then. He added it to the list of reasons he’d currently rather die than face the news. He looked away from the nurses every time they injected insulin, and only ate when they started threatening an NG tube. Eddie only pushed once, and when Buck said “no,” he accepted it. He brought some of his stim toys to the hospital, which were keeping him sane. The diabetic educator tried, talking to him about all of the equipment it would need.

“There are options these days, Buck. There’s even a pod option that sits on your skin on it’s own, so you don’t need to worry about it getting caught.” She showed him the brochure. Omnipod. Part of him thought that sounded easier than injections, but he still looked away from it. She also left the brochure for Dexcom, leaving him a free one to test, and Eddie came to visit him, diet coke from 7-11 in his hand. He placed it on the bedside table.

“Thought you could use a pick me up. What’s this?” He asked, picking up the sample Dexcom the educator had left. Buck was still operating with the premise that if he didn’t talk about it, he did not have this, and this was all fake, would go away soon, so he didn’t answer, but Eddie took it out of the box anyway. “I was googling these last night,” Eddie said. “They make stickers that you can put on them to keep them secure. Mind if I …do you want to put it on you, or me?”

He shrugged. “You can have it,” he said, and crossed his arms, looking away.

“Thanks,” he said. “I’m just really curious how it all works. Was looking up youtube videos and everything. These are just really cool.” He took the lid off the applicator and Buck looked over when an alarmingly loud noise sounded. Eddie still had it on his bicep. He pulled the applicator away and the Dexcom was on his arm.

“Did that hurt?” Buck asked, biting his lip. He started sipping the Diet Coke, the first ‘normal’ thing he’d had since he was admitted to the hospital.

“No, not at all, actually. Like, it was noisy but I didn’t actually feel it. Had to look at it to confirm it went in. And you just put the code on your phone,” he said, pulling his phone out and doing so. Buck watched him, tears coming to his eyes. I love you I love you I love you, he wanted to shout. Eddie finished putting in the code, and showed him his phone. “Now we wait for it to warm up.”

He moved his chair closer to the bed, and Buck let himself look at the CGM on Eddie’s arm. Eddie did him the courtesy of pretending he didn’t notice, not making a thing of it. He traced around it and looked at the applicator left behind, then opened up his laptop, checking his twitter at first, then turning on a random video on youtube. Eddie offered his hand, and Buck took it, still no words needed. He felt content for the first time in weeks, sipping the soda, Eddie squeezing his hand. He looked at Eddie’s phone when he heard the beep that told him the warm up was done. Eddie picked up the phone. Dexcom told him he was at 86.

“Let’s check it’s right,” he said. “Can I use your glucose meter?” Buck handed him the box. He hadn’t used it yet.

“Gonna wash my hands,” Eddie said, getting up. He came back after drying them off, and then got one of the alcohol pads from his case, rubbing one of his fingers. Buck wasn’t a stranger to this. He knew how to measure glucose on patients. He’d done it, and so had Eddie. This was different, though, and watching Eddie do it felt almost threatening, making it real. But he watched, one hand on his back, as Eddie poked his finger with the lancet, scrunching his nose.

“Hurt?”

“Yeah, stings a bit.” He had the meter ready with the strip in and Buck had to admit it was kinda cool how the strip sucked up the blood from his finger. 85, said the result. “Good, so it’s accurate.” He got up to put the lancet in the sharps box and dispose of the test trip in medical waste, then washed his hand again, and came back.

“Can you hold me? Take the bar down?”

“Yeah.” They hadn’t discussed what this meant, holding hands or Buck resting his head on Eddie’s shoulder, reaching over to hold his hand again. He didn’t want to or need to. He nuzzled into Eddie’s shoulder, turning onto his side. He fell asleep to Eddie rubbing his shoulders, leaving kisses on his forehead.

The next time he woke up, that evening, it wasn’t Eddie there, but Maddie. First he just blinked awake, thinking maybe he was dreaming, then he noticed he was looking at her brown hair. “Mads,” he said. “Are you real?”

“Yeah, I’m real, honey. Oh, Buck,” she said, wrapping her arms around him and kissing his birth mark.

“Maddie,” he said, holding her as tight as possible. “I wanted to come get you. I’m so sorry. You came back!”

“I’m okay, Buck, I promise.”

He moved back so he could see her face. She’d been hurt, he could tell. He traced over a cut above her eyebrow, noticing one on her neck.

“Buck, I’m okay. Physically, I’m okay. I’m worried about you.”

Buck shook his head. “No. I don’t want to talk about me.”

“Well, I don’t, frankly, want to talk about me. All you need to know is I’m okay, and baby’s okay. I’m going to order dinner. What do you want?”

“Don’t want to eat.”

“Not a listed option. How about,” she said, looking over the options, “ramen? I want the Pork Belly ramen.”

“Maddie we can’t just not talk about it…you almost died.”

“You also almost died. I know we have to, but not now. Pork Belly okay? Want gyoza?”

“Yeah,” said Buck.

“Oh good,” Maddie said, glancing at the brochures on Buck’s table. “Your team told you about the omnipod. When mom and dad told me about this, that’s the first thing I thought of. Hopefully your insurance just covers it.” Buck was still waiting for all of this to be fake. He crossed his arms. “Oh and they gave you a Dexcom sample? Where is it?”

“Eddie’s wearing it.”

“What do you think about those?”

“That all of it sucks, and I’m kind of hoping it’s not real.”

She squeezed his hand. “It’s real, unfortunately. It’s going to be okay, though, Buck.”

“Usually you’re visiting me here for injury, and I can just…get better. But not this time.”

“True, kinda. You’re allowed to be angry about this.”

“I am. Just. I want to pretend it’s not happening. If I do that I’ll probably die, though.”

“Mhm. And quick.”

“Don’t wanna fucking count carbs. Not even just most carbs, but like, every single carb, forever. And this,” he said, gesturing at the glucometer. “This fucking sucks ass, Maddie.”

“You’re right. It sucks ass. You’re not going to have to do it alone. Sounds like Eddie’s really supportive, huh?”

Buck smiled a bit. “Yeah. He doesn’t mind that I’m so scared. And he’s willing to wear the Dexcom for me, which…” he sighed. “Means everything.”

“I’m really glad he came to get you, Buck.” She kissed his hand. “Mom and dad think you’re dating, by the way.”

“We’re not not dating,” he said. “I don’t know what we are. I kinda feel bad for having a seizure while he was driving. But he’s been holding me. Kisses my forehead, holds my hand. I don’t know. When he put on the Dexcom I kind of wanted to ask him to marry me, and I’m not kidding.”

“I think you loved him first. I kinda think you always have.”

Buck blushed. “All it took was an autoimmune disease,” he said.

“I’m going to go down and get the food,” said Maddie. “Be right back. Promise.”

After they ate, they watched a movie, and Maddie slowly prompted him. “Want to try taking your blood sugar?”

“Any way I can be a diabetic and sort of…not do that?”

It was the first time he’d uttered the word. “Nope,” said Maddie. “With the Dexcom you won’t have to do it much, but you still have to sometimes. And honestly, it’s not as bad as it is in your mind.” Buck sighed, getting out of bed first to wash his hands, then sitting up in the bed.

“Here, let me adjust it so sitting up is easier.” She did, and he got comfortable.

Buck put in a new lancet, testing the device with a click. “Try it at ‘2’ strength, first. You don’t have to use the stronger ones,” Maddie said while he wiped off his finger with the alcohol pad.

He put the strip in the meter and then poked his finger, wincing and then bringing the strip down. “Kinda cool how it sucks up the blood, like a little vampire.”

“It is cool, isn’t it?”

He showed her the reading. “Good! That’s not bad. You’re rising because you just ate a bunch of noodles. We’ll page the nurse to come dose you with insulin.”

“I’m not like…afraid of needles but this sucks,” he said when she pressed the call light.

“I know, but you don’t have to do this with just needles. The pod system does it all for you. Really.”

The nurse came, and she gave him the insulin he needed. He sighed, making himself not look away from the needle.

“So…yeah,” he said when the nurse had left, picking up the brochure about the omnipod. “Apparently when I got here I was at 792 and in DKA. I fainted at Athena and Bobby’s.”

“Mhm,” Maddie said, rubbing his hand.

“Then I got really sick. Eddie found me and made me come to the hospital, but I had a seizure in the car, and then, we thought we had it when they put me on an insulin drip but I went into diabetic coma. Don’t know why.”

“I’m just glad he made you come in. Diabetic coma kills, Buck. And quick.”

“This is the end of you avoiding the doctor, by the way,” she said, lightly smacking his arm.

“Promise,” he said.

Slowly, over the course of the next week, he started to engage with the idea of being diabetic. He tested his blood sugar, sending Eddie photos of the results. ‘They’re ordering me an omnipod and Stephanie gave me another sample. I asked for two because I want you to wear it, and she gave me one. That’s if you’re okay trying it. You don’t have to be.’

‘Oh I am. I can try it when I come over today.’

He propped his phone up on the table against the water pitcher the hospital gave him, and took a few selfies self-injecting insulin for the first time, then sent it after he’d disposed of the needle and capped the pen again.

‘Was that your first time doing it by yourself? How’d it go?’

‘The pen is honestly fine. It’s testing that I don’t like.’

His diabetic educator also gave him another Dexcom sample and ordered his prescription. She was glad Eddie was trying the technology, not mad, like he thought. She told him he was lucky to have such a supportive loved one. When Eddie came over after shift, he carried his backpack with him.

“I come bearing gifts,” he said. “And diet coke,” he said, placing the Big Gulp on the bedside table, which Buck gladly took and started sipping.

“Gifts, huh?”

“Yeah, a shitty thing happened to you, and you’ve been coping with it pretty well.”

“Have I?”

“Yeah. Before, you’ve gotten injured, but then life kinda goes back to normal, right? Now, life is different, in a way that affects every decision of every day. It sucks. You’re allowed to be pissed. And I thought that I’d spoil you some.”

“I’m open to that.”

“So, first, there’s this guy.” He brought out a teddy bear who had an omnipod and a dexcom, and extended it to him. Buck instantly cuddled it, his eyes filling up with tears.

“Thank you.”

“Cute, isn’t he?”

“Mhm. I love him.”

“So, there’s stickers for the Dexcom, and I got you a few. Whatever you don’t like, we can just give to the pediatric unit here, okay?” He started placing them on the table. “We’ll get some for the omnipod, too.”

Buck picked out the set of fire truck patches. “I like this one. The kids will like it too, like on calls.” He smiled at the bi pride flag and the rainbow flag one as well.

Buck picked a place for his Dexcom, and cleaned it off, then took it out of it’s box. Eddie watched, nodding supportively. Buck winced pre-emptively, nervous, not pressing the button on the applicator and looking at Eddie.

“Press when you’re ready.”

The application really was chaotically loud, and that startled him, but Eddie was right. It didn’t hurt at all.

“See? Did it hurt?”

“No. Will you wear a fire truck patch, too? So we match?”

“Yeah I will. Want to put it on me?”

“Mhm.” It took him a second to figure out how to do it, but he applied the patch, then the sticker, and he let Eddie help apply his. Buck downloaded the phone app, then connected the sensor. “I want to let you follow me,” he said.

Eddie helped him set that up. “Remember, that part’s up to you. You get to revoke it.”

“Probably no one but you, but I definitely want you to have it.”

“Want me to try this?” Eddie asked, holding the omnipod sample.

“Yeah, you go first. It sticks a needle inside of you, and I’m scared.”

Eddie stood up, lifting his shirt off and cleaning the site with the alcohol wipe. “These look really cool, though, don’t they?”

“Yeah.”

He watched Eddie put it on, careful, making sure it set evenly. “Okay, and then I press the button to make it engage, right?”

“Right, and there’s no insulin in it, so don’t worry.”

“Wanna press the button for me?”

There was something intimate about this, about Eddie’s shirt held up. He licked is lips a little bit and reached out to press the green button. For a bit, nothing happened, and then there was a loud click and Eddie winced, moving a bit.

“Yeah, I won’t lie to you, that one sucked. Little worse than a bee sting or something. Kinda lingers.”

Buck grimaced, looking up at him.

“Wanna try?”

Buck took a second to answer, but he sighed. “I’m scared.”

“I know,” Eddie said, sitting down. “How about I hold you after?”

“I’m listening.”

“How about if it’s really scary, and it really hurts, I kiss you?”

Buck blushed, and grabbed the alcohol wipes, cleaning the site, then putting the empty omnipod on. The diabetic educator was going to come and help him officially put it on, with insulin in it, but he was feeling brave enough to do this, so he did, but paused short of pressing the button.

“Oh you’ve so got this. You are so strong,” encouraged Eddie. “You’re a fucking rockstar. You’re making diabetes your bitch,” he said, and Buck laughed out.

“God I need a sticker that says that.”

“I’ll find one.”

Buck exhaled, then pressed on the button, reaching out immediately to grab Eddie’s hand. It did sting quite a bit when the needle went on. “Oh, that sucked. That really sucks.”

Eddie moved closer, wrapping an arm around him. “I think you deserve kisses, then.”

He kissed him, and Buck sighed into it, reaching out to grab his shirt. The sting faded, but Eddie didn’t, still there, still kissed by the midday sunlight shining in, smelling of his sandalwood soap.

“I love you,” he said, breaking the kiss, even though he didn’t want to stop. “I have to change those every 3 days though."

"So I guess every three days, you get kisses, or whatever else you want,” he said.

Buck leaned back, reaching over to trace Eddie’s jawline. “You mean it?”

“Mhm. Will that make it a bit easier to do?”

“You have no idea.”

“Then that’s what we’ll do, okay?”

Buck leaned forward, kissing him again.