Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Hey! I don’t know how much I’ll write in here, but Kel has some plans with Sunny tonight and Mari got me this notebook for my birthday! It’s got a nice leather cover, and while I can’t wait to write in here, I can’t say it’ll be often. I’m not really the diary type, but l need to use it somehow and I think it’s just the most fitting option other than cookbook, but I guess I get my recipes from other places already. Anyway, if I’m supposed to make this a sort of diary, I guess I should write some secrets, or at least some things I don’t want to say anywhere else. No diary is complete without a reason to keep it a secret, right? Well, I think I’m falling for Mari. It’s silly, and we haven’t known each other for long, but I don’t think there’s any restriction to the time it takes to be in love, or at least have a crush. Think of Romeo and Juliet! Just, without the dying. I think I can do without that. Well, I don’t think there’s really a use in thinking about it, since there’s no way she would like me back, even if it was true. I don’t think any amount of food will make her fall for me, but that’s fine.

Well, my hand is cramping and I should probably be studying right now. I have an important test tomorrow for my science class! Maybe I’ll write about it later. For now, it’s goodnight, journal!

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It’s been a while! Sorry, not much has been happening, but I’ve been wanting to write something in here! First off, about the whole secret from the last entry, well.. nothing changed. If anything, she seems even more perfect now than ever. If it’s not love at this point, I don’t know what is; everything she does, everything she says, it’s like music to me. I’ve come over to listen to her play piano a lot more, and it’s made me realize even more how talented she is! I can’t think of a thing that she’s bad at, and I really can’t think of a flaw about her, no matter how much I try. I need to talk to her about this soon, I don’t know how much I can keep this all to myself - maybe next time we’re alone together! We’ll see.

Anyway, so my face can go back to its normal color, I’ll give some normal updates instead! Kel’s been trying to get into basketball, which isn’t too surprising. He’s always been the best out of all of us when we play at the park, and I think he has some sort of chance. Just, definitely lacking in height. He barely meets regulations at theme parks, still. Maybe if he finally eats his greens like I’ve told him to, he'll be able to make the team! To be fair to him, though, I don’t think I would make it on any sports team, even with the height between us. At least there’s nothing physically needed for being a cook, right? Or, I guess a doctor, if I go down the route Mom and Dad want me to take. I don’t know, it’s good to have an option open, but human diagrams and medicine amounts have never been all too interesting to me.

Not much else to write about, haha. I guess I’ll write more later this summer!

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SHE SAID YES! It was hard to finally ask, but we were alone in the piano room and she’d just finished playing Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy as I sang along and I couldn’t think of a better time to ask, especially since it was just us in the room. She said I’d have to keep it a bit of a secret, as her parents can be very strict when it comes to dating, but it’s really nice to know she feels the same way. I’m trying to keep it together writing this, it’s like a dream come true. I don’t think there’s anybody I’d rather be with. If I could choose anyone to love, no matter how pretty or popular, it’d always be her. I wouldn’t even give it a second thought, as there’s nobody more perfect.

I’d write more, but she’s waving at me through the window, and just thinking about her is incomparable to actually being with her. Bye!

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It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I think I just need to accept that I'll only write in this once or twice a month. Look at the bright side, that gives me more time with the book! It’s one of my most treasured things, since it was one of the first things I got from her. Actually, looking out the window, there isn’t really a bright OUTside to look at considering how hard it’s storming right now. It’s a nice background noise for writing, I like it. Typically I’d be a bit cautious about writing on days like this, since Kel is typically in the room, but right now he’s eating lunch. I wasn’t all too hungry today, but I’m sure I’ll eat plenty of snacks later to compensate when it finally kicks in. Too bad it’ll be hard to snack during class when school starts back up, the teachers here have been so strict about eating food I’m scared I’ll get a phone call home over a granola bar one day. Speaking of school, I’m signing up for college classes this year! It’ll be a big jump in difficulty compared to what I’m used to, but I’ll take extra notes to compensate. If I get in, I should be sharing some classes with Mari, which is so exciting! I can’t wait to see more of her around the school building, just as a boost to help me through the rougher days.

I just realized I haven’t said anything about friends yet! We’ve actually had some big stuff happening, such as Basil’s flower pots for us! Each of us got a flower, and he explained the meaning behind each one. He gave me the rose, and instead of being a specific color which all have their own meanings, he said I’m all of the colors because I’m versatile and universally loved, which I thought was really sweet.

I’ve got to finish this quickly, since I hear Kel outside the door talking to Dad about something, and I don’t need him seeing me writing in my diary, haha. He'd keep trying to look for it, and I don't think I could hide it forever. Anyway, bye for now!

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It’s spooky season! It’s getting a lot colder and I’ve been busy with school and everything, but I’ve managed to find some time to be with the friend group, too. Mari’s been busy helping me study since I haven’t been the best in my college history course, haha... Any time she’s not spending trying to get different wars and leaders through my head has been spent at the piano as of recent. She’s practicing a lot for her upcoming recital with Sunny, and they sound really good! It definitely seems to be stressing them both out, though. She’s a bit more irritable and you can actually tell it on Sunny’s face some days, which is a bit unusual for him. Personally, I can’t even tell what they feel the need to fix - it sounds perfect to me. I guess it can’t hurt at all, though, not like some extra practice will kill anyone. Maybe I’ll bring it up to her at some point, maybe I’ll let it be since the recital isn’t even a week away. Speaking of it being so soon, Dad, Kel and I should be going outfit shopping! My formal clothes are getting a little tight and I’m not the fondest of the cream color, it just doesn’t fit me right, especially not with how I’ll be getting my hair done. Maybe I’ll work it into my Halloween costume this year somehow, or maybe I’ll just grab a cheap costume to go with Kel’s like I did last year.

Well, with how soon the recital is, I don’t want a messed up sleep schedule ruining it, so I should probably get some sleep. I’m excited to see how everything else goes these next few weeks! October is always such an eventful month.

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theres so many things i need to say to you but i dont have the words nor the strength to say them

my main question is
why?

why do i ask, its not like you can hear me

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she did it

i should have known, it was so obvious
why am i so fucking stupid
if i was smarter i couldve stopped her in time

i couldve stopped her from hanging herself

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I can’t keep doing this. The longer I let this rest, the longer it’ll plague me. Maybe she’ll let me go if I say it, maybe she’ll stop tormenting me.

It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. Kel doesn’t know. Kel can’t know. He asks, and he asks, and he tries to comfort me, but I can’t respond because I can’t bring myself to lie to him. I can’t lie to my own brother. He can’t know that big brother’s incompetence led to the death of the most important person in the friend group, in the world. If he did, he’d hate me. He’d let me lay here, he’d let me die, and he’s the only thing I have left. But do I deserve him? Do I deserve to have anyone by my side? I wasn’t by hers. I wasn’t there. Why should he be there for me? God, this is horrible. If there is a being above, if there is a creator, why would he put us through this? Why would he create us to tear us apart? Why can’t everything be okay, like it always is in the movies? Why can’t there be this happily-ever-after? How could she leave me like this? What did I do? What did I do to deserve this? Why am I bedridden? Why can’t I hold anything down? Why, why did she do it?

Maybe I was too selfish. I was too focused on me, my grades, my life, there had to be hints. She must’ve said something, I just didn’t know. I didn’t know. 

I didn’t know

im sorry

dear im sorry please forgive me for blaming you its not your fault it was never your fault please forgive me for being mad please come back and tell me it was a joke or a test ill be yours forever ill pay more attention ill be better for you please mari just let me hear you one more time or at least just let me say goodbye

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i missed it

i missed the one year anniversary

what kind of boyfriend am i?

what kind of question is that, i know the answer already

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if i cant live here with her, and this is the life here without her,

maybe it isn’t worth living

maybe i should join her

kel, if you see this, im sorry
i assume you'll find this first, as your practice ends pretty soon. im so, so sorry you have to see this, much more come home to this. it's okay, you're not losing much! just, try to forgive me for this. i cant live with myself after what she did, i cant forgive myself for letting it happen. if i was more vigilant, if i was a better boyfriend, i couldve stopped her, but i didnt and she's gone, and as such, i'll be joining her, too. it's not your fault. don't blame yourself for your brother's incompetence, okay?

i'll see you soon, mari

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just another thing i couldnt do right

i just, didn’t know what she’d want me to do

im sorry, dear. maybe ill be strong enough tomorrow

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What.. What have I done?

I yelled at Kel earlier. Just an hour ago, if that. He was trying to talk to me, as he usually does and I wasn’t having it tonight and, well, I.. don’t know much of what I said, but I know a few things.

I told him he didn’t understand me, that he didn’t understand what I was going through.

I told him he didn’t know her, that he didn’t know what Mari she was going though.

I’m stalling. I’ll just get to the point.

I told him that I wish it were him instead of her.

But, just a few moments later, he forgave me. He didn’t have to. He shouldn’t have. I don’t deserve it. I’ve done nothing to deserve it. I’ve done nothing to deserve him. He’s been the best brother I could’ve ever asked for, and I make it up to him by telling him I wish he killed himself like her was dead. God, what kind of brother am I? I need to apologize to him again. I haven’t seen him since he left the room with Mom and Dad.

Maybe I can make it up by listening to him.

Maybe he has a point, maybe she wants me to keep going.

I, guess I’ll start by getting up tomorrow.

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Henry M.

Maybe it’s best that I forgot about this for so long, but of course it comes to me when I need it most. That’s just the nature of something like this, I guess. Maybe nothing has changed since last time, but I’m not taking the risk of checking. God knows I don’t need that right now.

Sunny told us everything. Basil was there, too, but he was in rough shape, and I’m not sure if he was even conscious. I'm still processing it all, honestly - I can’t tell if I want to kill them or help them. They’ve been my family since high school, but how do I move past it so quickly? He might just be remembering things horribly incorrectly - it had to be some nightmare. I’ve read something about blood loss causing some sort of amnesia - hell, maybe it was a fucked up side effect of PTSD. I just, I don’t know what to think. It had to be my fault. It had to be. I couldn’t have wasted that year, I couldn’t have almost joined her for nothing. It has to be my fault. I have to keep trying to fix myself. I have to keep being there. I have to find out the signs. I need the signs. I can’t let it happen again. I can’t let it happen again.

I’m going to avoid him for now. I’ll talk to Kel and Aubrey about it later, hopefully.

Just, nothing right now. I need time. I’ll talk to Basil later, too, see what he says. See if he says the same thing.

I’ll write later. I need to think right now.

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Henry M. Sorry, I’m too used to writing papers for classes. I did it on the last page, too, I saw it when flipping to this page.

It’s been a little over a year, and I think I’m ready to talk to them in person again. Not alone, I don’t think I’m ready for that, but Kel invited me to something that apparently everyone else is going to, and I don’t think there’s anything else I can really do to prepare. Is it selfish to say that Sunny being at fault puts me at ease? I suppose so, but it’s true.

…

I still have nightmares. Not just about her, but now about Sunny and what happened there. It scares me to think about what he did, what they did. It was worse when he told me, but it’s still once a week at best. I’m hoping I’m proven wrong, that he’s gotten better. Kel’s told me that he has, at least. Apparently they’ve gotten close - good for them! I’m glad to hear he’s been able to forgive them. He talks about him so much that I’m starting to think they might not just be friends, haha.

Here’s to hoping that my efforts haven’t been in vain.

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Hen God damn it, Henry. You’ll learn one of these days.

Anyway, last night went a lot better than I expected it to. I was tense at first, as was everyone, but they were welcoming. We didn’t talk about the murder it, but I didn’t mind, honestly. Sunny was just as kind as Kel told me he was, and he looks a lot better, surprisingly. He’s still thin, but not as malnourished nor pale. Apparently Kel has been dragging him around a lot, which sounds about right considering how close they were. Speaking of, my theory was definitely correct. I saw them signing back and forth a little, and while I don’t know much, there was definitely a ‘love you’ or two passed back and forth.

Basil was also a lot better. Definitely still rough for him to talk to us, but he warmed near the end, and I’m glad. He even brought flowers for us! They weren’t the same that I remember, but one stood out to me specifically. It was a white egret orchid, he said. I don’t remember what he gave for the reasoning, hell, all of the details he gave are fuzzy, but I recognized it from Mari’s her grave. We went there after everything, and left it. Basil said he’d take care of it. I hope so.

Speaking of everything, we went to see a meteor shower! It was a nice little show, as I haven’t seen one for a few years, and especially not one that bright. I’m glad we could all share it together, even if we were missing a member.

I don’t think any of the thoughts or visions are going away soon, but I think that everything’s going to be okay now. I can go back to college, I can continue my studies, I can learn a bit more. I’ll finish college here in a few years, maybe I can find a good job, settle down. Maybe I’ll go back for a culinary diploma when I’m done with medical school.

..

If everything's going to be okay, then I won’t need this notebook anymore. Holding on will only make me feel worse, won’t it? I’ll just, put it by her grave. Maybe she’ll come upon it one day, I don’t know. It’s stupid, it’s silly, but it’s important to me.

Dear,

For every day that passes, I still miss you the same, if not more. It’s still very, very hard for me to process everything. I just, can’t believe you’re gone. It’s been 5 years, but I remember every bit of you like you’re still there in front of me. Your voice, your hair, your face, everything. I wish it was really you that I see at night, next to me in bed, or that my dreams were true, and we were on some silly adventure to see the parade going through town or it was Christmas again and we were baking cookies or seeing the lights. No matter where you are, don’t miss me too much, okay? I’ll be there before you know it, and we'll be together again.

I still love you, Mari. And I will for as long as I live.

Signed, Hero M.