Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

You know, waking up in another world was not something I expected to ever happen.

Anyway, I'll skip over the first who knows how long of panic I had when I first arrived in a body not my own while I tried to figure out what the hell was going on, but suffice to say, finding out I had been transferred to Worm of all things did not help with that.

And, well, it doesn't help that I obviously don't have any clue how or why this happened. Maybe my arrogance at how easy I thought it was to 'win' the setting was seen as a challenge by some petty god or something?

Like, you don't really need some grand power, nor do you need to massively upgrade someone else's; everything you need is already there.

So, a copy of me has been inserted into Worm to, well, put my money where my mouth is. Possibly. It makes just as much sense as anything else I can think of.

God I hope I'm just a copy...

Ignoring that bit of existential dread that will haunt me until I die, since I'm here, I might as well do something. And as I have a hard time holding back, it's going to be drastic!

And as I am apparently an Amy expy, down to even appearances annoyingly, I know just the thing!

First, though, I need to do some research to make sure I can, you know, actually do what I'm planning on doing. As well as other common stuff to let me know how much of my knowledge is actually usable.

It would suck to start some plan just to find out I was missing some crucial info, after all.

______

It's the day of the locker... I could have saved Taylor.

Possibly.

Just barely. Should I have, you know, known that I needed to do that. Haa, that sucks.

At least that fixes the moral quandary of whether I should keep her as a backup or not? Haaa…

Alas, between acquiring that info and trying to find and then somehow get to Winslow, I would have been too late. And while she's still in the hospital, there is nothing I can do to help. Even Panpan's powers can't fix a shard fucking with someone in order to cheat the system.

Probably.

…

Not without a lot of practice, at least.

Haa, whatever. It's not like I can do anything about it now, so I should just continue as I was.

Anyway, with my research concluding that my knowledge is more or less correct (for now, anyway), my plan is good to go!

So, after some other, basic preparation (I wouldn't want to be kidnapped or something; that would end badly… for the kidnappers), I went about to get some attention.

By offering free healing in the middle of some moderately crowded park!

"Attention people of Brockton Bay! I have something to announce!" I yell out, startling the crowd of observers that were following me (an obvious cape because of the medic-themed pseudo-symbiote suit I made).

"And no, I am not threatening you." I point out, as I see some people start to worry, "Quite the opposite, in fact. You see, I am a Healer! And I am here to heal... FOR FREE!"

Ah, mention free, and suddenly people are willing to approach the strange parahuman.

Am I actually a parahuman, though? Or am I powered by some outside force? Eh, it doesn't really matter.

Probably.

"And what can you heal?" Someone a bit more cautious questions.

"Anything!" I answer simply.

"Anything?"

"Yup!" I affirm, popping the p. Might as well go full ham while I'm at it.

Someone scoffs. "I doubt it. Even Panacea can't heal everything."

"And?" I ask. "I'm not her."

"What, are you trying to say you're better than Panacea?"

"I am," I smirked, something I made sure they could 'see' because of my 'expressive' mask. "I can heal brains." Hmm, might as well go all in while I'm at it. "And I can also improve things. So if you want to lose weight, clear up your skin, or even just increase the size of your breasts, all you have to do is ask!" I announced, smirking further at everyone's suddenly eager expressions.

Soon after, I had an impatient line of eager 'customers' to work with.

All according to keikaku. (AN: Keikaku means plan)

Luckily, I was able to continue with my plan for several minutes before I was eventually interrupted. Sadly, it was not by anyone I actually wanted to meet.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" A voice called out, actually being heard through the crowd I'd created, though that was mostly because everyone's gotten remarkably quiet at the newcomers' arrival.

I turned to see who was trying to interrupt me and was disappointed to see that it was just a bunch of wannabe nazis. Specifically, Alabaster, which I have to admit pretty much has the perfect power for interacting with unknown parahumans.

Still, Haa, welcome to Brockton Bay; we have actual* superpowered nazis.

Anyway, I didn't pay the idiots any mind for a while, causing them to get more and more annoyed.

Sadly, I did have to acknowledge their precedence and the like, as they might attack my 'customers' otherwise. And it's not like people were too enthused to be modified when a fight might break out.

Still, while I can't just ignore them, it's not like I have to actually deal with them, right? "If you need healing, get in line." I curtly declare. While some would decry my working with nazis, it's not like nazis are going to be the worst I'm going to interact with, should my plan work.

Alas, despite the sheer brilliance of my plan, nazis aren't known for being reasonable, so that wasn't good enough.

"You think you can just ignore us?" The man I'm certain is Alabaster complains.

Haa, this is annoying. I have to admit, though, he's a good choice to interact with me. Especially if they (rightly) think I can engage in biowarfare. The only other Empire members that could potentially last against something like that are Night and Fog, but they aren't really an option. For several reasons.

Not that worrying about how I'd deal with other capes is an effective use of my time when I have a potentially hostile cape right there.

Haa, how do I deal with this? I'd thought that the protectorate would be the first to arrive (other than maybe Coil in an alternate timeline, any of which are unlikely to go well for him) considering they have the fastest mover in the city and I think I'm in one of the nicer neighborhoods.

Hmm, maybe that's why the nazis got to me first. That or Coil is hoping I do something that'd piss off the Protectorate enough for me to just jump into his 'caring' arms. Though that is probably not too likely; I doubt even Coil is that capable in the most ridiculous of fanfics.

Not without being ridiculously lucky, at least.

Regardless, there is a cape right there that I have to deal with somehow, while not alienating me from all of humanity in the process. Joy.

Maybe just ignoring them will work, or, well, distracting them until the Protectorate shows up? They shouldn't be far, in any case.

And it's not like I'm in any real danger. Hurting, or fuckin killing me, would be devastating to the Empire's PR. Especially if I don't do anything hostile and the like. Healers are stupidly rare, after all, and few things go against 'good old American values' and 'helping the common man' more than attacking someone that is actively healing people for fucking free!

Still, them being unlikely to start shit doesn't mean I can just zone out while they're talking to me. Being busy healing people only goes so far.

So, "I genuinely have no clue what you're complaining about. If you want healing, get in line. It's a really simple concept." Time to stall by playing dumb!

"And I'm saying you are wasting your talents healing these degenerates when you could be healing real Americans." Sure, 'real' Americans, as nazis are well known for being...

Ah, I can't resist fucking with the idiot. "I am healing real Americans, though?" I question with a tilt of my head.

"Tch, no, you're not." He denies venomously.

I tilt my head further. "...Are we not currently in America?"

He growls. "We are. And that's the problem."

I tilt my head even further, before 'coming' to a realization. "Ah, you must be British." I then nodded as if that made perfect sense. "

This, obviously, completely flabergasts him. "I'm British?"

"I knew it!" I 'confirmed' eagerly. "Why else would you complain about me healing people? They're not waving Union Jacks!" I then 'smiled' 'comfortably,' "It's okay, we're still friends with them. Hard not to be after we worked together to defeat those evil Germans." I couldn't help smirking as I said that. Man, this symbiote suit was a great idea!

Heh, everyone's stunned expressions are great! It's almost like no one's ever brought up how contradictory the bullshit the Empire spouts is.

"Honestly, I can't think of anything more anti-American than siding with those idiots." I huffed. "Literal enemies of the US of A, the lot of them," I continued, 'oblivious' to the nazis' reactions. "It sure is a good thing that America demolished those idiots and put a proper, freedom-loving government in its place!" I finished with a 'smile.'

Yay mocking Nazis to their faces! It's not my fault they started spouting bullshit about 'real Americans' while practicing an enemy's ideology.

Still, I probably should cool it a bit, considering how angry they're becoming. While it wouldn't be smart to attack me, nazis aren't exactly known for being beacons of wisdom.

Case in point: "You think you're funny!?" One of Alabaster's minions accused.

I, obviously, played dumb while tilting my head beyond what I'd done previously. "Maybe? Why, do you want me to start making jokes?" I then considered it while tilting my head the other way; it was almost parallel to the ground now. "Hmm, I guess that's one way to get people to attend your stand-up routine. Feels a bit pathetic, though."

Once again, I confused everyone here while convincing them that I was the idiot. This is pretty fun! Sadly, I doubt I'll be able to do this often.

Anyway, it seems that I've stalled for long enough, as reinforcements have finally arrived!

The reporters are here! And the Protectorate, but the news is what I've been waiting for.

So, as the Protectorate was distracted by the Nazis, I started on the next stage of my plan: getting an interview.

And if these reporters are anything like they are back home, I don't think that will be very difficult.

So, after healing one last patient, I wandered towards the piranha pit.

"Hello!" I greet the reporters setting up to watch Alabaster 'fight' the Protectorate with a friendly wave. I doubt there is actually going to be a fight, though, considering not only is this park extremely crowded right now, but I can all but guarantee that a good portion of the Empire is around the corner to prevent this exact situation.

It's not like it matters to me, though. Well, unless people get injured, then I'd have to heal them, but otherwise, it's not my problem!

"Uh, hello?" One of the reporters asks, likely confused as to why someone is willingly talking to them. "Did you need something?"

"Yeah, I'd like to request a proper interview." I am glad my 'costume' completely covered me because their expressions reminded me of a horde of sharks that just spotted their newest meal. Not a fun experience, let me tell ya. Alas, for my plan to work, I am going to have to get used to this…

Is it too late to reconsider?

Haa, progress demands sacrifice, and no one else seems both willing and able to pay the cost.

Luckily, the reporters were from different groups, so they soon turned their gazes upon each other, fighting for the most illustrious of prizes; being first.

I almost wish I had some popcorn, but I'm certain any movement would attract their attention, so I'll just sit tight.

Sadly, they soon realized that no amount of bribes, threats, coercion, negotiation, and the like actually mattered if I didn't agree with their decision. So, of course, I had to deal with their offers for exclusives and the like, as they obviously can't work together. Haa, humanity at its finest...

Anyway, I won't bore you with the specifics; just know that I got an interview with the Brockton Bay News Network to be broadcast live in an hour.

What the hell have I gotten myself into?

Anyway, it was after I'd finished that the Protectorate finally concluded whatever they were doing with the Empire and announced their presence, with Armsmaster the glory hound leading the charge.

"Excuse me, miss, we'd like to request your presence at the Protectorate Headquarters." He requested.

"Sorry, but I've already agreed to an interview." I denied.

"I'm sure that can wait." He countered, not letting what I said get to him.

"But the time slot's already been cleared!" I shouted in 'worry.'

Before Armsmaster could respond, my chosen reporter confirmed it. "That's right. We're set to start in less than an hour, so unless whatever you want is absolutely necessary, we really need to be on our way."

Armsmaster still looked like he disagreed, so the reporter continued, "Unless you don't believe the people of Brockton Bay deserve to meet our newest healer?" They questioned pointedly, the cameras already rolling.

Heh, his face turned pretty funny, like he bit into a lemon but was toughing it out. Still, he would not be stopped! "I still believe that it is quite important that she is brought to the protectorate, for both her and everyone else's protection."

"I don't know about you, but I don't think I have anything to worry about with the reporters." I lied, "I also very much don't plan on doing anything to them either." I then thought about my statement. "Unless they want me to, of course." I amended, to the reporters' approval.

Armsmaster grimaced, realizing that I wasn't going to go with him without being kidnapped.

And it would very much be a kidnapping, considering I haven't committed any crimes (technically) and that several people are currently filming this that likely feel indebted to me and so would likely be more than willing to cause problems for the government with their complaints. Probably in hopes I'd improve them more, but hey, help is help.

As such, I was soon on my way to the shark de—I mean, broadcast studio. Absolutely. There definitely aren't sharks there, no matter how much the reporters remind me of them.

I know I've asked this before, but is it too late to turn back?

______
Piggot
______​

It's not often I am happy, and disappointingly, today doesn't seem like it's going to be any different.

Hearing about a potential biotinker using their power on civilians tends to do that.

I, of course, sent as much of the Protectorate as I could spare, but it seems that the Empire got lucky as I got reports that Alabaster was already on the scene when they'd arrived.

Still, while another joker is exactly what the Bay needs, I will grudgingly admit that it is better than her starting a fight while surrounded by civilians. Now if only they'd stopped their healing and other crimes against nature so that the civilians would actually escape the danger.

Even if I technically can't fault her for the civilians' behavior during the whole fiasco...

Anyway, I can analyze this afternoon's events later; the news broadcast is finally starting.

The Brockton Bay News Network opened up to a standard interview scene where the most recent object of her ire is sitting calmly, still wearing that abomination against nature, reminiscent of a certain comic book alien symbiote, just white with a red cross over her chest, which does not fill me with confidence.

"Good afternoon, Brockton Bay! I'm your host, Kimberly Colt, and I'm here with Brockton Bay's newest healer~"

"Hello everyone! You can call me Vitae." She greeted while waiving cheerfully.

What followed were a few minutes of the generic questions that always fill these sorts of interviews, before something of interest finally came up.

"So you told me you had something you wanted to tell everybody?"

"Yup!" She agreed before taking a deep breath. "Hey rich people, ever wanted more time? Felt your body decay to the unforgiving bowels of time? Ever wished that wasn't the case? Wanted to live forever? Well, just help make the Earth a true utopia, and I will use my biokinesis to make you immortal! Never again will you grow old and wrinkly; never again will your strength wither and fade! Call now! Eternal youth is but a moment away!"

The hostess was predictably stunned by Vitae's antics, while I was dreading what she just revealed.

"You, you are a biotinker!?" Kimberly shouted in alarm once she regained her wits from the sudden biotinker sales pitch.

"No." Vitae firmly denied. Phew, at least we won't have another Nilbog or Bonesaw. "Tinkers make tech that is unreproducible, often breaks physics, and requires outside maintenance. Everything I do is properly physics-obeying and self-maintaining. As such, I refer to my ability as biokinesis." Never mind, her power is even worse than I thought.

"Soo, can you become the next Nilbog?"

"Why would I want to do something so stupid? Like, what did his action get him? To live in a dirt hut with some creepy servants, whoop-dy-fuckin-do." She mocked.

…What?

"Oh, but think about the freedom, beh! I'm going to live in a luxury mansion with all the pleasures money can buy. Or something; I haven't really thought about the specifics yet; don't want to count my chickens before they hatch, after all. But anything, anything, I could possibly gain by pulling a Nilbog; I can get a better version by just being rich. It's the same with any other villain I could potentially imitate; it's genuinely the inferior option. Not even remotely profitable."

She spouted a whole bunch of nonsense, but I noticed that they conveniently didn't deny it.

"That's very callous and greedy of you." The reporter commented disapprovingly. Vitae just shrugged.

"I mean, there's the obvious moral reasons not to do something so horrendous, but no matter how much I promise to never do anything even remotely like that, people just won't trust me. Apparently, the idea of people not turning into horrific monsters at their earliest convenience is simply inconceivable!" She complained while waving her arms around in exasperation. "So of course, I'm going to instead talk about how I won't throw away my five-star chefs and luxury mansions just to rule over a mud hut. Common sense and greed both show which path is better." She shrugged in a 'what can you do' way.

Is she seriously claiming she's not a threat because of greed!?

"So yeah," she continued, "I'm not going to throw that away. Besides, my servants would be far more attractive than anything Nilbog could ever dream of."

And it seems they still think they're funny.

After Kimberly digested that, she continued with the interview. "So, why are you trying to make a utopia?"

"I have a few reasons. First, there's the obvious that it's the ultimate charity, so people won't be able to really complain about what I'm using my power for. Like, what could they say? How dare Vitae try to make everyone's lives better instead of just helping mee?" She laughed.

"That would be quite something

"Next is that as long as I'm at least partially successful, I will make a mark in history, potentially to be remembered for millennia! As they say, you die twice: first when you are put in the ground, and again when your name is last muttered. Even if I don't succeed, my legacy will be as immortal as humanity.

"That's quite ambitious."

"If you shoot for the stars, you'll at least hit the moon."

"I suppose there is some truth to that."

Vitae smiled before continuing. "My reason after that comes from the dreamer part of me, the one that wants to craft the greatest marvel that I can, designing a society that I would want to live in."

"Oh, so you are trying to build your dream society?"

"Ideally. It probably won't go how I want it to, considering I don't have a nigh-omnipotent understanding of humanity, but hopefully whatever we end up with more than makes up for that."

"Well, I hope that works out for you."

"Thank you." She then took a deep breath. "And for my final reason, there is the challenge—the sheer impossibility—of the task! So many people think something like this isn't possible, being forever stuck in the land of dreams and fiction. To which I respond, Fuck That! I'm going to do it; I'm going to do the impossible; I'm going to create the greatest wonder humanity will ever know! People will spend eons trying to even touch upon its majesty! It will be humanity's MAGNUM OPIS!"

And her pride once again returns. Why am I not surprised…

Anyway, Kimberly understandably took a bit to process everything that Vitae just declared, but once she did, she sanely decided to shift the conversation to something else.

"So, you don't plan on healing people like Panacea?" They asked, not hiding their disappointment.

"Eh, not really?" She denied. "I mean, what she's doing is great and all, but it's just... so inefficient."

"You think Panacea healing people is, inefficient?"

"Ah, no offense to Panacea; I just don't think healing is an efficient use of time. After all, an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure."

That shocked the host through sheer audacity. "And how would you help instead?"

"Well, instead of curing cancer and the like manually, I plan on creating a reproducible cure, something that would ideally be spread to millions of people throughout the globe at affordable prices."

"Oh. That's… ambitious."

"It is," she agreed. "But anything else would feel like I was wasting my ability, you know? I'm a true biokinetic with a Thinker ability that lets me fully understand what I'm doing. With my power, what most would see as an insurmountable task, I see as a challenge to overcome. It's so grand that with enough time, resources, and testing, almost anything is possible. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to create the perfect reproducible biofuel, make cures for a thousand diseases, make the perfect crops to truly end world hunger, even truly safe designer drugs to end addiction. Fuck, if I can do it; I even want to make something that can stabilize people that can be stored in ambulances so that no one dies before they can reach the hospital." She took a deep breath. "And that's not even counting the various luxuries I could make, like acne removal and weight loss pills. The possibilities are nearly endless; I just need the time and resources to make them."

"And that's why you are reaching out to the movers and shakers of the world."

"Exactly. Despite my potential, I can't do everything on my own. So, I'm asking the most capable people around for help by offering something no one else can give them. Something humanity has been searching for since before recorded history was even a thing. I'm offering the impossible, for help with the impossible." She smiled. "It's almost poetic, when you think about it."

…

The interview continued further, but nothing of any real value was discussed other than that while she was willing to work with the protectorate, joining would limit her too much.

As if the rules and safeguards to prevent people like her from committing atrocities were just an inconvenience...

It's likely out of my hands, though. If her offer of immortality is real, even if it comes with downsides, then anything I attempt to do to her that isn't 100% backed by irrefutable evidence of horrific deeds will get me lambasted with calls from every politician, CEO, and 'influencer' on this half of the country within minutes.

So, congratulations, Vitae; you've made yourself effectively untouchable.

Now, how am I going to deal with the chaos you've just brought me?

Who knows, maybe her presence will finally get us the help this city needs?

I can always dream.

______
Vitae
______​

As I was waiting for people to respond to the die I threw out, I figured it was time to negotiate with the crux of my plan.

Hey shaper, I don't know if you are also bonded to Amy or not, but I'm here to provide DATA! Including some that you won't get anywhere else!

Like, what generates more DATA than overcoming the impossible? All the challenges in making a perfect society, challenges that will require immense ingenuity and cleverness to solve. Especially without mind control and the like, which would be too easy and not generate any interesting DATA.

And of course, it's gunna generate tons of conflict, as I'm basically declaring war on the entire world, as soo many people profit from how shitty the world is.

So, please, help me accomplish my goal; I'm certain it will be worth it.

…

My power, predictably, didn't respond, not that I expected it to. Alas, I have no way of knowing if my... offer? Pleas? Whatever was even paid any mind. And with a power as grand as Shaper, I don't even know if I'd notice the difference, especially as I don't know what Panpan's true limits were.

Regardless, war is on the horizon; let's see if we have what it takes to win.

Chapter Text

I don't know where I am…

I do know how I got here, though. I was fighting a bad wizard, and winning (yay!), when they opened up a portal thing. The portal then ate me (Aww); now, I'm here.

Oh! Here is a big building surrounded by black roads and weirder statues of colorful metals and glass thAT MOVE! They aren't statues, but horseless carriages! SO COOL!

Ahem, anyway, there are a lot of people here, most of which are entering the building, but I don't know why. So I decided to just follow someone.

Now, who to pick... Eene, Meeny, Miny... Her! With the nice hair. Onwards to adventure, oh chosen one!

And so we went, Hair Girl and me, through the hall, up the stairs, through another hall, before we were met with a crowd. Huh, it makes sense that she's popular with her hair… I think. Like, magnificent beards are popular, so, as girls usually lack beards, their hair should suffice as a worthy alternative.

Heh. I'm a genius.

Anyway, the crowd is, uh, crowding around the odd metal cupboard things that everyone seems to have while waiting for her to, presumably, grab her things.

Though, why'd she sigh? Before I could find out, Nice Hair opened the cupboard, revealing something I am very familiar with: blood.

Huh, did they shove one of her enemies in ther- no, she threw up. Weird.

And now everyone is laughing and- oh, a dark girl shoved Hair into the cupboard... That doesn't seem very nice, especially since Hair is calling for help.

Well, I'm very helpful; boss 'not a vampire' told me so in his praising voice! So help I will.

Oddly, it took until I grabbed the lock thing for anyone to actually notice me. They then tried to stop me or something, but I knew better than to listen to enemies. 'Their cries are always lies,' says Mr. 'not a vampire,' and he is much more smart than me, so it must be true.

Sadly, ignoring them wouldn't open the lock, so I pulled out my fast knife, filled it with Arcane, and cut.

Bye-bye lock. Now be free, Hair Girl!

This would be much nicer if everyone didn't start screaming and shouting about inferior clothing choices, though...

Still, Hair is free, so mission accomplishe- ow!

Dark Girl just punched me! That's not very nice; very fitting for an enemy, though. I nod in understanding as I quick-draw my staff and fire Arcane in retaliation.

And then the weirdest thing ever happens: the Dark Girl reveals herself to be a smoke monster, justifying my actions (not that I wasn't previously), and most importantly, phasing through my laser.

And stabbing me.

Well, if Arcane won't work, how about Steam Lightning!

Ha! I was right; she's just immune to Arcane! Nothing to worry about. Though, as I go to heal myself, Dark Girl starts moving again, and, well, we can't have that now, can we? So, as always, the answer is more dakka!

And, as I habitually add Arcane to my attacks, Dark Girl now resembles the mess inside Hair's cupboard. Try getting up from that!

But don't actually; that's scary…

Anyway! Hair Girl is now safe, though still in the cupboard for some reason... Oh! The battle! She was staying out of the way. Very smart; I nodded in approval.

Still, she shouldn't stay there; it's dirty, so I offer her my hand (after sheafing my fast knife, you only make that mistake seven times). For some reason, she doesn't take it though...

Oh, maybe she's hurt? I don't know why that would stop her, considering her arm's still attached, but whatever, I was going to heal her anyway.

So, Life to the rescue!

I could do without the screaming, though... I thought Life hurt her for a moment, which would have been annoying...

Still, with Life given, I once again hold out my hand. And this time, she takes it. Slowly, but she does.

Hmm, maybe she's new. 'Shrug' That just means I need to teach her!

First things first, though, she's very dirty, and I know from experience that that's a tripping hazard, so I wash her with Water, before drying her with Fire. She screamed some more, but that might just be how she communicates, so I won't judge. Much.

Task complete, I look towards Hair Girl for direction (I'm not lost, I'm just, uh, letting the newby take point as a learning experience, yeah…).

Sadly, said newby seems lost as wel- uh, alone, as I am never lost. Definitely.

She didn't last long through the sudden staring contest, though, quickly turning to her ruined cupboard all sad-like instead.

We can't have that now, can we? So, I pulled her aside (I've made that mistake many times), put up a Shield, and Push, launching the filth out of the cupboard and getting another scream from Miss Hair. I have no clue what that means, but that's never stopped me before!

Regardless, the cupboard still isn't clean, so I use Water and Fire until I'm satisfied.

I then give Hair Girl a satisfied smile, which she weakly returns.

Aww. With how wide her mouth is, I was hoping for the best smile ever. Still, it's not like I did something grand, so I'll just have to be patient.

I will make her truly smile, though; just you wait...

Still, that's for later; what do now?

Hmm, I got nothin. So! Time to use my secret technique: staring until something happens!

Stare~

'Fidgets'

Stare~

'More fidgeting'

Stare~

"Um, what d-"

"UNKNOWN PARAHUMANS, YOU ARE UNDER ARREST-" blah blah blah, it doesn't matter what the dark knight is saying, just that something happened. My special technique works once again!

Not that I doubted it or anything. Nope, not at all! It's not like I sometimes spend weeks staring at things waiting for SOMETHING to happen, no siree!

Anyway, this knight has been shouting for a while; I'm impressed. He must have great lung capacity. Hmm, maybe he does opera? That woul- Oh, wait, he's moved on to something important. Something about killing a 'shadow stalker?' Hmm, what's tha- Oh! Dark Girl!

Wait… does that mean the shadow monster was this guy's pet or something? His coloring is similar, and it would explain why he's so mad.

Just, it was a very bad pet, hurting Hair Girl and stuff, why would you want it?

Hmmm… Oh! Maybe it's like a cat! They attack everything yet people still love them. I mean, that's because of mind-controlling brainworms or something, but what's a little mind control between friends?

Nodding in understanding, I cast Revive.

And poof, Dark Girl has returned! And screaming>; something many things tend to do when Revived for some reason. You can't do that while dead though, so I guess it makes sense.

…

Why's everyone staring at me? That's my technique; you can't have it!

As I'm pouting, Hair Girl gets the message and instead nervously asks, "Did you just resurrect her?"

No, I Revived her, but words seem to be difficult for her, so I won't fuss. Instead, I nod in approval while patting her head, and Wow! Her hair is soft. As expected of Hair Girl.

Sadly, my petting was interrupted by Dar- no, Shadow Girl shouting, "What did you do to me, you little shi-" Water "...Did you just fuc-" Water.

That shut her up. Sadly, I couldn't continue petting as Hair Girl decided now was the time to confront Shadow about the cup- wait, no, locker?

… What's a locker, and why isn't it a cupboard? They're, like, the same thing, aren't they? What makes them different?

Hmm, something to think about later as Hair Girl and Shadow's argument is getting pretty heated. Something something, Hair has been bullied for, like, forever, how Shadow is a thief, and how it all makes sense why she never got in trouble.

Or something, I don't know. Words are hard, so I usually ignore them. Alas, Hair Girl is friend, so I owe her to at least try...

…

Can we just go back to the screaming instead?

Luckily, the word sharing was stopped by the arrival of another knight, this one blue.

"Armsmaster!" Shadow shouts, which doesn't make sense; he's holding a halberd, not an arm.

Sadly, my reprieve from words was cut short as Blue immediately started another rant...

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. And Hair is even joining in! Whyyyyy!?!??!?!

…

Well, I guess I might as well do something productive instead, like imagining I was eating sausage.

Mmm, sausage…

My thoughts were interrupted, however, by Blue approaching, scaring Hair.

Well, that makes things easier. So, I cast Arcane.

And he dodged.

Okay, how about Steam Lightning!

And he dodged again…

Fine, how about Earth Fire Arcane Poison!

And he dodged again!

Fine! I cast Conflagration! Try dodging this!

And hit! Sadly he's still approaching though. Well, Magick is the solution to all problems, so I cast Grease.

And he's back to dodging... Using a rope thing from his halberd, even.

Aand, now he's entering mele range... Well, only one thing to do: cast Eruption!

Taste the volcano!

Somehow, though, he survived. And stabbed me! With poison!!

And even worse, immediately after using Life, I got shot! I couldn't even finish Blue off! And now he has reinforcements...

Well, I guess I'll just have to take them seriously.

So, self Shield, cast Time Warp, staff-port, and nova Lightning Arcane Poison Steam.

Oh, there's a fast guy, cast Haste. He's still much faster than me, but I can at least react now.

Not that it matters when I cast Chain Lightning. And again. And again. And again.

And then there was one, though not for long as she's still poisoned and on fire, but it's best not to take chances, and I quite like this magick. Propp's Party Plasma!

And, dead. Do dodoo doo doo do dodoo, I win.

As I return to Hair, though, Dark Knight starts saying stuff out loud as if he's talking to someone, yet isn't, considering he's saying nonsense and is apparently receiving answers.

Kinda scary, but interesting enough for me to actually focus on the words. And then he says the magic words: school.

Ah, I see. This wasn't an attack; it was training! Everything makes sense now. Well, as they aren't enemies, I might as well bring them back; who knows how long it will take them otherwise?

So, I do, by casting Summon Phoenix. I don't want to miss anyone, after all. I did hear a bang on the ceiling after casting, but I'm sure that's nothing to worry about.

Job done, I return to my ally, who's currently sitting on the floor next to a stunned Shadow, who rapidly retreats from me for some reason. Does she not know that the battle is over? 'Shrug' doesn't matter; pets tend to be pretty stupid.

So, ignoring her, I offer my hand to my newest friend, who seems to have been inspired by me and is staying silent as we watch everyone slowly get up.

For some reason, though, the first thing several of them do is state the obvious... Yes, you are alive; that's why you can speak.

Haa, some people just aren't very smart. Still, even idiots can be useful; something boss 'not a vampire' constantly whispers to me, if not with those exact words.

Regardless, everyone eventually stops stating the obvious and instead moves on to something just as productive: talking.

Words words words, blah blah baaaah… It's, alll, soooo, booooooring!

Eventually, everyone finishes, and we all start moving... somewhere. I don't know; I wasn't paying attention. I was busy debating going somewhere else.

Where turns out to be the weird metal carriage thingies! It's a good thing I stayed. And even better, these carriages were much more comfortable to ride in!

As I marveled at these wondrous creations (and debated acquiring one), everyone gave me weird looks.

At least, I presume so, considering they are acting like every other non-wizard I've met, though their face coverings make that a bit more difficult than usual.

Sadly, along with the other wonders of the carriage, its speed was also increased, something I would usually adore, but I currently wanted to spend more time riding in around…

Alas, I am used to working, so I only delay my exiting for a few minutes.

It turns out to have been for the best though, as we then entered a MOVING ROOM! It was quite small and cramped, which really confused me when we first entered, but who cares about that when it moves!

Again, it's disappointing how short all the cool things last, but whatever, with how common the carriages were, moving rooms should be easy enough to find. I can then mess around with them to my heart's content.

Definitely beats just spuddling around like usual.

Sadly, it's currently work time. Or something; I wasn't paying attention. I probably should have been, but eh. Besides, things will work themselves out eventually. They always do. Even if it's usually a pain getting to that point.

Case in point: we are now in a meeting! Why!?

Whatever, my ally seems more than capable of talking (even if she does it too much for my liking) so she can handle it. I'm gonna sleep.

Chapter Text

When someone eventually woke me up, I thought it was because they were finally done.

It was not.

Apparently, they want me to join in their time-wasting activity. I, as a sane person, refused. By going back to sleep.

This caused them to complain, but I have mastered the art of sleeping through boring stuff; I can even do it while standing up!

Bow before me, pheasants, for I am a true master at the art of slacking off!

Sadly, they just, kept, waking, me, up! Forcing me to 'pay attention.'

Not that I did, of course, but they certainly tried. I only stayed awake because they were far less annoying when I was.

So, when they started blabbing, I obviously didn't pay attention. This annoyed the fat lady talking to me, from, the wall? Well, a thing hanging off the wall, but that's not important; what is is the fact that that's not a hole! Or a window, or...

Uhhhg, why are there so many stupid words that mean the same thing!

Beh, the magic prison box is more interesting anyway. So, I immediately get up to investigate, alarming the others in the room.

Something I would have ignored if one of them hadn't pointed a gun at me.

I got ready for combat, just in case, but didn't instigate anything; I know some people are just twitchy around wizards for some reason, and removing them tends to agro everyone else, which is such a pain, what with all the arguing and screaming and complaints, it's so annoying.

So I just stare menacingly instead.

Surprisingly, that actually works this time after some yelling from their allies. Heh, nice, I won the coinflip this time. I was worried I'd damage the weird magical dohickies in my rampage.

Anyway, with the black knight putting the gun down, I could focus on the actually important stuff—figuring out how they trapped a woman inside a glowing (because of course it also glows) box.

People started yapping some more about what I was doing, somehow forgetting why one of the Black Knights pulled a gun on me, but I ignored them with a practiced ease.

Until Hair Girl joined in the nonsense. Which, well, I guess I have to 'tell' her now, as her teacher. So I do. By gesturing at the thin box chaotically.

After she got over her confusion, she quickly got annoyed at my refusal to talk, but jokes on you, I know of your tricks and the cost of speaking!

It seems simple, doesn't it? All nice and harmless. How could a few words possibly hurt you to say/how much harm could a few words do?

Foolish! That's how they get you!

But I'm wise to your tricks; I won't fall for it! I will never talk. Once you start, you never stop, an addiction fueled by its mere presence. An addiction that doesn't require outside materials. For those truly corrupted, you don't even need other people, somehow creating voices for you to talk to inside your own head!

So no! I will not fall for our tricks!

As such, I gestured even more erratically!

Alas, that proved to be too much for poor Hair, as she soon snapped. "Why are you so obsessed with the screen?" She all but shouted in frustration.

Hearing what sounded like a name, I stopped gesturing and perked up/focused all of my attention on Hair Girl. Tell me your secrets, oh wise one!

"Do... do you not know what that is?"

I nod excitedly. Soon, the prison's secrets shall be mine!

And maybe I'll even find out how to do it myself.

"It's a monitor, a device that transmits images from another location."

I see… I have no clue what any of that means. I blink blankly.

She sighed as she thought of better words, once again proving the superiority of not using them. Not that I need more evidence of their evils; this meeting is more than enough.

"It allows us to see Director Piggot here while she is elsewhere."

Ah, so she's not trapped in the weird box. I nod in understanding. Why didn't you say that the first time, though?

Getting my point (she's learning), she complained. "Haa, this would be so much easier if you just talked." Hmm, she seems frustrated. Still, neither threat nor bribe will make me talk!

So I give her a disapproving stare to make my disapproval known.

"Seriously, what's wrong with you? It's like you're mute or something." She muttered in resignation. I'm not, but eh, close enough, so I agree.

That should hopefully get people to stop talking to me so much too. That would be nice.

"Wait, really?"

I nod again. Man, Hair Girl really is dim, isn't she? Oh well, as her senpai, I won't hold that against her.

That would make helping her harder.

For some odd reason, everyone acted embarrassed at my confirmation.

They then blabbered some more before a new person arrived and started gesturing randomly, kinda like they were trying to make shadow puppets without the shadows. I just stared blankly at the obviously crazy person for a bit before turning to Hair Girl in confusion.

She just put her head in her hand in response.

Hmm, Mr. 'not a vampire' does that a lot. I still don't know what it means. Oh, maybe I can ask!?

But not now... Not with Hair girl still not understanding me.

But soon, your secrets will be mine! Just you wait...

"Of course she doesn't know sign language…" Of course not; that's just another way of using words. Still, her inability to infect me with the Curse of Babel seems to be stressing her out, so I patted her on the back consolingly.

For some reason, she looked completely lost when I did.

"If we're done wasting time, we can actually get on with our meeting." The fat lady of the box declared. Hmm, box lady... might be interesting enough.

…

It wasn't.

It was just more words.

And a recruitment, but mostly more words.

…

Yup, I'm sure nothing interesting is going to happen now, so I'll just leave.

As I stand up, though, I realize that Hair Girl is a novice, so she won't realize how pointless staying longer is. So, it is up to me, her senpai, to help her!

I didn't want to waste time convincing her though, so I just picked her up and walked out of the room. She flailed about as I did, but before I could do something about that, everyone else started to act up

It was just more words, though, which I've heard more than enough for a lifetime, so I easily ignored them as I headed towards the much more important moving room.

Also, why was I even here again? Eh, probably not important.

Anyway, for some sad reason, the moving room wouldn't open for me. My day is ruined. Well, if I can't pla- research the moving room, and everyone else is getting more and more annoying, I'll just have to settle for the metal carriages! So, cast Teleport, to the carriages I go!

As I start walking towards the not moving carriages (I learned that lesson the same way I've learned everything else), I spot a floating woman with a cape, which, hmm, maybe I was a bit quick to judge capes as inferior, seeing how cool Floaty Lady looks.

Not as cool as a wizard like me, but closer than most.

And if a cape can make a pheasant look cool, what would it do for a wizard…

Sadly, her coolness died when she opened her mouth. Can't you see I'm busy? Why would you think I want to talk to you? Go away.

As such, I just ignored her and kept walking—something that would be a lot easier if Hair Girl would just, stop, flailing!

I was about to stop her pointless actions when I was proven to be in the wrong as Floaty Lady proves to be the absolute uncoolest! By grabbing me and preventing me from escaping with her troll strength. Apparently Hair's flails had an actual reason; who knew?

Not me, sadly…

Anyway! I've heard way too much talking lately, so no more! I put Hair down, then Arcane Steam Lightning.

And, nothing.

Okay, how about Life Fire Earth!

Still nothing. Okay, Ice Poison Cold.

NNN! Infuse Shield Slash!

Why no work!?

Mmm, don't like how she's acting all arrogant, with that cona-condom- MEAN smile!

Stupid words, stupid pheasant, YOU AREN'T BETTER THAN MEEE!!!

This calls for the most forbidden of powers, the greatest betrayal, the ultimate sin: chanting.

So, with great reluctance, I whispered one, simple, word.

<𝔻𝔼𝔸𝕋ℍ>

And then, all was quiet, all, was, still, nothing moved, even the wind itself seemed to pause. Silent. All except for that one, simple, word.

For as soon as it was spoken, whispered into the ears of all things near, regardless of who or what, despite and beyond all else, for They had arrived.

And with Them, the cold stillness of nothing.

Death turned to me, inquiry clear to all who witnessed, and I pointed.

Target acquired, They nodded.

The women, no longer floating, no longer able, paled, for even their legs, containing the strength of the Titans themselves, found themselves powerless before the power of inevitability, for death comes for us all, and your, time, is, now.

Upon reaching her, They paused, briefly, in open curiosity, before continuing.

"<COME>" They demanded, and so she did

Task completed, They turned to leave. Not wanting Them to leave empty-handed for Their help, I held out a sausage on a stick, muttering another, much less forbidden, word. "Sausage?"

Reward given, I gave a cheerful wave, which They returned happily (not that anyone else could tell), before disappearing as if They were never here in the first place, as if just a vivid spark of everyone's imagination.

One that no one will ever forget.

[As what they don't (nor care) to know is that this was seen on camera]

Heh, and that's what I think of your little dominance act. Did you really think you could beat me, like some simple apprentice? No, I am no mere novice, no, for I am a true master!

I have mastered dozens of magicks, DOZENS!

I have already completed my journey and returned UNHARMED!

I have defeated uncountable foes—ones you could not even dream of!

…

Rant finished, I went over to the newly made corpse and took its most prized possession, the cape. I then walked over to the stunned Hair Girl (Death has that effect on people) and put it on her.

Hmm, yup, while not as good as robes, they make Hair look much cooler.

I then cast revive, then got confused as it didn't feel complete. Well, it was, but Floaty was not floaty anymore. Weird. Whatever, a second cast fixed that at least, so it probably wasn't important.

So instead of thinking about that, I just turned my nose up at Floaty with a silent scoff, leaving the shocked woman to her grounded shivering in abject fear.

Heh, once again, I'm the best.

As I led Hair away, she decided to speak up. "I thought you were mute." And all that work convincing her I was is now gone. Haa, she's going to try getting me to talk now, isn't she…

Whatever, that's later me's problem, so I just shrugged at her. I wish I was, though; that has to count for something, right?

"Uhg, why!?" And once again, Hair Girl is confused.

See, that's why I don't think; thinking causes headaches, and headaches aren't fun. So just don't.

Life's easier that way.

______

Sadly, not long after dealing with Floaty, some Glasses Man showed up.

And while I'd normally just ignore them, like I did when he first showed up, Hair Girl introduced him as her father (and me as her savior, which means she agrees to our bond!), which makes him Father Man or Father Glasses. Hmmm. Father Glasses.

Anyway, that makes him moderately important on its own, but he arrived in a metal carriage! Who cares about the random ones in that square building when there's an active one belonging to an ally right there!

So I do what any normal person would do: I hop into his old seat so I can control the carriage!

"Um, excuse me." You're excused. "What are you doing?"

Isn't it obvious? I just stare; he should figure it out.

"No, you are not driving the car!" Hair brutally denies my dream. "No, don't pout; you'd kill us all when you crashed! You don't know any of the rules of the road that you'd have to obey."

…Huh, I guess that's true... 'Driving' doesn't sound that fun anymore...

How is it that pheasants are so good at ruining every fun thing there is!?

Rules, *shudders

"Um, what's going on with them?"

"Don't worry about it. Let's just go home; we won't be able to stop them anyway.

While being in a 'car' again was just as awesome as last time, my companions were no fun, just talking for the whole trip, which I easily ignored until: "So, uh, what's your name? Because, we can't keep referring to you as, well, you…" Father Glasses asked, causing Hair to sigh. See, she understands.

Still, I guess that's pretty important, but as I don't really care about names or what people call me (as long as it's accurate), I just shrug and point to myself.

While Glasses just sat there confused, Hair answered. "Uh, red?" I nodded with a smile. At this rate, Hair will be a true ally in like a week.

Anyway, we soon arrived at their home, where after some more talking, Hair went up to her room and gave me the one next to it, which was nice.

Not that I need it, as sleep was for the weak, but having a place to store any trophies I acquire is always nice.

Instead of being bored in said room, though, I followed Hair to see what she's doing.

OOOH! She has a glowing box! A 'moniter'. Cool.

…

What's it do? There is no person.

Noticing my attention, Hair explained. She wanted to check out this 'P.H.O.' to see how everyone is reacting to my presence.

Huh, that might actually be pretty interesting. Pheasants tend to have the funniest ideas about wizards, as long as they don't notice I'm nearby.

Chapter Text

"Let's see… Oh, there's a video of your confrontation with Alexandria." Huh… I have no clue what any of those words mean. Therefore, they were meaningless.

Checkmate, linguistics.

Cruelly ignoring my amazing victory over words, Hair started up this 'video' thing, which soon showed Floaty and me.

Stars in my eyes (self-Lightning), I watched with great attention as I witnessed the past despite being in the future.

Though I do cringe when I hear my voice, so embarrassing…

And then I was distracted by the presence of Death.

"It's just as oppressive the second time…" Hair shivered. "Wait… Even through video? How!?" And now Hair is panicking.

Yup, that's Death for ya. Good ol' Death, living their best life—er, death? Not-Death? But they are Death?

Haa, stupid words…

Anyway, I patted Hair on the shoulder and then shrugged when she looked at me. How would I know how Death did that? I don't even know what a 'video' is.

She gave me a blank look, meaning she calmed down, so I win. Heh, I'm getting better at that!

Much better than causing even more screams like usual.

"Haa, why did I expect anything different?" Hair complained for some reason. "Still, I wonder if anyone else reacted like I did?"

______

Meanwhile, in the PRT Headquarters.

While everyone else was panicking about what just happened, something not helped by the event sending Director Piggot to the hospital (along with a few others who also had health issues), Assault was left without anything to do.

He had no real authority in the PRT, couldn't help with the bureaucracy and whatnot even if he did, and going out and antagonizing someone that could casually kill fucking Alexandria before resurrecting her wouldn't end well for anybody.

Still, doing nothing wasn't going to accomplish anything either, so he decided to load up PHO and see how everyone else was reacting to what happened.

And of course, he soon found the video. "Ah, it was recorded." Not surprising, considering this happened right outside the PRT Headquarters, but it's still not good. Glenn's going to have an aneurysm.

Now, Assault didn't have the opportunity to personally witness the event as the wizard had used teleportation to leave, so he decided to check out the video to see what happened directly.

That was a mistake.

"Oh God, you can FEEL it through the screen!" He yelled out partway through the video, attracting the attention of those nearby. Who, of course, wanted to know what he was shouting about. From doubt, from missing the initial appearance of Death, or even from simple curiosity, many watched, and all witnessed Inevitability.

And as one of the watchers passed out, unable to handle Their presence, Assault came to a realization. "So that's why the hospitals are being flooded with patients."

______

I nodded. Everyone reacts like that to Death; it's just how it is.

That seemed to satisfy her, so she continued watching the 'video' until the end. Then, after the past left the present, Hair decided to, ugh, read some 'PHO posts' to me, which was somehow even more confusing than I ever expected.

Like, why is giving Death a sausage so strange? And why'd they add W, T, and F to the end? What does that even mean? And I thought normal words were confusing enough; now people are breaking them!

The brainrot words cause is truly horrific…

Still, while words are pure evil and I will never submit to their corruptive influence, some were pretty funny.

Like the people praying to me and stuff!

Silly pheasants, I'm not a god, and I wouldn't answer your words if I was.

Not to mention their confusion—it's like they've never seen a wizard before! Well, I guess most haven't; we are pretty rare now… (I'm not sad! ;_ But they should still know what we are!

Anyway, one comment in particular soon attracted Hair's attention. "Hey, how did you speak like that?" Hair looked to me curiously, but I crossed my arms. NO! Never! Speaking is bad! I just had no other option; Vortex would have destroyed the cool metal carriages!

And me, which would have been annoying as Hair probably can't Raise me yet.

Huh, guess I was going to see Death again regardless.

Neat.

______

While a certain wizard was terrorizing the family they'd adopted themselves into, a certain shadowy organization that controls the world—no, not that one, the other one—was committing an atrocity. No, not that, it's something even worse; they were having, a meeting. *shivers*

"What the hell just happened!" The Arrogant Priest shouted before the portal he arrived in could even close.

"A new blind spot appeared; I underestimated it." The Blind Eye answered.

That silenced the entire cabal.

"What do you mean?" The False Caregiver requested.

"When that thing was summoned, the path went blind."

"So we just model them like before. I don't see the issue." The Lethal Accountant brushed off.

"We can't do that this time." The Blind Eye denied. "My Agent refused to path anything anywhere near its presence, draping the entirety of the Bay in shadows the entire time it was summoned. My power also refuses to even consider modeling it. As far as I can tell, the thing the wizard calls Death scares my Agent."

The cabal was truly stunned at that declaration, used to the Blind Eye's preeminence. All but the Fallen Titan, that is, having experienced Death personally.

"Fear it? Can they even feel fear?" The Arrogant Priest scoffed after regaining his false pride. "They probably just have some sort of Stranger ability." If a rather powerful one.

The Blind Eye shook her head. "Anyone who had a power that could perceive them stopped working. The Simurgh looked towards the city before freezing completely. Even the Scion paused for a moment, though that might be a coincidence." She argued. "The Agents themselves appear to fear this Death for some reason." The Arrogant Priest wasn't quite satisfied with that answer, but didn't push. If the Blind Eye was lying, it was for a reason, and if they weren't, he truly needed to be careful.

"If that's true." The False Caregiver decided. "Then how do we use it?"

"I don't know," the Blind Eye admitted, "but we'll have to find out without the assistance of our Agents."

"Then that means we're going into this blind." The Lethal Accountant sighed.

"Not completely," the Blind Eye denied. "I already know quite a bit about the wizard; I just don't know how much I'm missing."

"Then what can you tell us about, him? Her?"

The Blind Eye answered what she could. "They don't care about things like gender, race, species, age, sexuality, history, or even their own name and language. They simply identify as a wizard and only really care about what interests them, though they are oddly loyal towards those that attract their attention, shrugging off even things like being intentionally attacked or killed as long as they act friendly enough afterwards." She paused. "It's important to mention that many would consider them to be even more insane than the Faerie Queen."

"Well, shit." The Ignorant Beacon elegantly summarized everyone's reaction.

"How did they end up like that? Were they born that way, or was it learned behavior?" The Lethal Accountant questioned, remembering his own past.

"Learned. As a child, they joined a school where the first thing they learned was how to resurrect people. Then for years they lived in an environment where consequences weren't truly a thing, other than what other students might do in retaliation if you happened to annoy them. Death, pain, and dismemberment were temporary inconveniences at most, and the worst thing that would happen for killing your entire class was people trying to one-up you the next day."

"Can we recruit them?" The False Caregiver asked.

"No. While we could occasionally give them 'quests' should they be interesting enough, the wizard is far too disorderly and impatient for anything more serious. And trying to force them now would not end well for us."

"Then why was I sent to do that!" The Fallen Titan accused.

"Because, at the time, I didn't think they could even scratch you. While they do have some rather powerful magicks, I saw nothing that should have been more than an inconvenience for you at worst, and they weren't going to use anything that might damage the cars they were so fascinated by. And while arcane technically had an insignificant chance to be able to affect you, your armor would have been more than enough to protect you, and it would have meant you could be healed by life." She explained. "Then, if you had successfully defeated them as I predicted you would, they could have been 'coerced' into joining, something they'd be grumpy about for a bit, but simply offering them a few modern appliances would have completely flipped their view of the situation. From there, any problems they would inevitably cause would be minor in comparison to what we'd gain, especially with their ability to fix most incidents themselves." She then sighed. "Alas, we now know that we wouldn't even get the chance."

"If they are a true blind spot, how do you know so much about them?" The Ignorant Beacon intelligently brought up.

"They are only a partial blind spot, with only certain elements, like what they refer to as life, arcane, and shield, and some magicks, like revive and summon phoenix, that can't be predicted directly. But they can be worked around without much difficulty, as what they do is fairly obvious, even if the Agents have no clue how. And beyond that, they, themselves, are effectively an open book."

She took a deep breath. "But even in my most extreme theorizing over what sort of magicks might still be unknown, there was no way to even begin to imagine that they'd not only summon the personification of Death itself but also break one of their 'rules' by using a 'forbidden' technique to do so."

"What technique?" The Cabal wondered with dread.

"Speaking"

…

What?

"They have an extreme hatred of words, fully believing that they are a corruptive and hostile influence that everyone would be better off without. And no, that wasn't something they were taught; they came up with that themselves during a rather long and boring lecture during their time in school." While many of them could understand the desire, actually following through with it was insane!

"Regardless of their questionable sanity, we need to make sure they survive at all costs. Just their ability to resurrect the dead is a game changer, summoning what may actually be the physical personification of Death itself? That could very well be our golden bullet right there," the False Caregiver concluded.

"We have to be careful it isn't unleashed onto us, however; anything that the Agents fear we should be cautious of." The Lethal Accountant added.

"True," she agreed. "But I doubt the wizard would allow them to do too much damage. And even if they did, it would be far less than the trillions of trillions of lives we expected to lose in the final battle."

They nodded in acceptance to that, even the Ignorant Beacon. It was basically impossible to get odds better than that. Not against their Enemy.

______

Back on Bet, resting after a job well done in a wilderness camp, lay a group of hobos.

One of them was currently using a phone they 'found' during their last excursion to see what everyone thought of it, their 'compliments' always bringing a smile to his face.
(And some of the other boards can be entertaining enough themselves, even if they never were as good as his.)

It was during one of these times that he stumbled across a particularly interesting one, simply titled 'Death kills Alexandria!!!' which… was probably the stupidest thing he'd ever heard, but there was quite a bit of discussion going on there, and with him feeling a bit bored, he shrugged and decided to check it out. Worst case, he wastes a few minutes that he'll pay back during his next trip.

But when he played the linked video, everything changed.

He knew, knew! That he had to have them, no matter how much his 'gut' twisted at the thought. He thought he understood with all his experience, but he was wrong. No, a true master has made their presence known, and he was going to meet them, no matter what.

He just had to make sure everyone else agreed.

So, "Would you look at this, Poppet! I do believe they'll fit right in with us!" He called out to the young girl playing with the 'dolls' he got her during their last outing. The poor girl keeps breaking them, but he was a good uncle and would get her as many as she wanted.

And after watching the video, "They would, Uncle Jack!" She agreed!

At this point, he'd attracted the attention of the rest of his merry band, so he showed them the Gospel too. "Don't you all agree?" He demanded asked. And despite their uncharacteristic nervousness (he understood; it's hard not to feel a little off before such perfection), they all agreed with him.

As they should.

"Then it's decided, we're returning to the Bay to introduce ourselves to our soon-to-be family member!" He cheered, happier than he's ever felt.

And as he plotted how to work this into his magnum opus, Jacob Jack couldn't help but smile.

Chapter Text

As the Title states, Introducing Magick to the Bay is now long enough for me to consider it its own thing. So, here's a link for you to read it (namely the new chapter).

https://archiveofourown.info/works/67159783/chapters/173728327

I hope you enjoy!

Chapter Text

When I woke up, I was in the hospital. Which, was quite concerning, considering I don't know, why… oh.

Luckily, I was prevented from experiencing a panic attack by someone suddenly grasping my hand.

However, instead of my father, it was some stranger sitting next to my bed that had done so.

"It's okay, you're safe; they can't hurt you here." She comforted, which could have worked, if I knew who she was.

The vague feeling in the back of my mind was enough to stop me from reacting, however, not wanting to cause issues in a hospital of all things.

I didn't want to start my journey by immediately being branded as a villain.

That doesn't mean that I am comfortable with this situation, though. "Who are you?" I accused, more harshly than I intended.

"Ah, I guess it makes sense that you wouldn't remember." She spoke with sudden realization. "I was the one that got you out of, well..." She trailed off, not wanting to bring it up and upset me. It didn't work, but I can appreciate her attempt.

"Yeah, that…" I trailed off with a pained shudder, not wanting to speak of it. It's not like anything will come from talking about it anyway. Experience after experience has proven that the Trio won't get punished for their 'pranks,' so I doubt even this will be any different. All talking about it would accomplish is stressing my father even more than he already is.

"Yeah. Luckily, you don't need to worry about that anymore as the perpetrators have all been arrested." She declared with a smug smile.

Or so I thought. "What! But, how!? Why?" I shouted in disbelief. They've always gotten away with their bullying; what made this time different?

"I mean, bioterrorism is a major crime, you know, especially when done in a school. That's front-line news even in today's dystopian reality."

What! "Bioterrorism!" I know the locker was bad, but…

"Of course! That was a prime breeding ground for a myriad of diseases; they could have started a plague! How many people, how many children, could have died from something like that? So, of course, they're now in jail."

"And, and what about Winslow?" I shifted, unable to process the Trio not only getting in trouble, but actually being arrested.

"Ah, that dump has been closed down, of course, if probably only temporarily, people could get sick! And while they didn't find anything truly atrocious like black mold or asbestos, somehow, the school's abhorrent appearance in the news has everyone out for blood!"

"Oh, that's, good?"

"And you, of course, as the primary victim of the horrendous attack, obviously don't ever step foot in that accursed place ever again." She smiled softly.

I couldn't help but pause at the stranger's declaration. I, after months and months of being ignored, am finally free... I can't believe it.

As I struggled not to cry, the stranger gently patted my hands to comfort me.

It was… nice.

After I finally calmed down, I had to know how this came to be. "So, what all happened? How did this, how did it escalate so much?"

"Well, I'm sure you'd know better than me." She started, obviously misunderstanding my question, "But where I came in is wandering around Winslow before noticing the locker." Why'd she say it like that? "And, since you were trapped inside, I obviously couldn't just leave you there, you know?" She declared as if it were obvious, as if I wasn't already left to rot by the entire school already.

It annoyed me. I knew it was irrational, especially towards my apparent savior, but I couldn't help it. I wish I could get rid of the feeling; just push it away where I wouldn't have to deal with it.

And to my surprise, I was somehow able to do just that.

"Are you okay?" The stranger suddenly called out in worry.

Why-Ah, I must have spaced out for a bit while doing that "Ah, I'm fine. Thank you." I appeased neutrality.

That didn't seem to satisfy her, but she continued with her retelling reguardless. "As I said, I couldn't leave you there, so I went about trying to free you. Sadly, your locker was locked, something I made sure to document, so I was left with no choice but to try to find some other way to free you." She complained, furious at what happened to me.

Not that I can blame her; the idea of locking anyone in a locker in general and just leaving them there to rot, much less in one like that, is absolutely horrendous!

"Anyway," she continued, "as I couldn't immediately free you, I decided to multitask by calling the police while searching for a hammer or something."

"A hammer?"

"Yeah? How else was I going to get the lock off—superpowers? I didn't have a key, and you weren't responding. What, would you rather I left you there?"

"Ah, I suppose there was much else you could have done."

She shrugged. "Anyway, as I was looking around, I explained the situation to the police, who were obviously quite angry at the situation. After some arguing, they told me to watch over you, just in case." She then laughed. "I honestly thought that was pretty stupid to suggest, considering I'd just reported a bioattack, but whatever, my original plan would probably get me arrested now, so I returned to the locker." Again with the weird emphasis.

"So you just waited for the police?"

"No." She denied with a shake of her head. "I don't know if the police called ahead or the school found out some other way, but shortly after I started my watch, a janitor arrived that got you out."

"Oh, that's good." Now if only they could have done that earlier.

"Eh." She wiggled her hand. "You see, the janitor decided to try 'cleaning' the locker after they got you out." She explained while actually making quotation marks with her fingers. She's oddly expressive like that, always waving her hands around as she talks and the like, seemingly incapable of sitting still.

Regardless, I'm sadly not surprised the administration tried to hide evidence to protect themselves. Not wanting to be overcome with anger, I pushed it through the swarm. Oddly, the stranger sent me another weird look as I did it. It almost seemed like she was pouting at me.

Noticing my attention on her, she quickly composed herself and continued her story. "Obviously I wasn't going to let anyone hide evidence of the crime, so I stopped them." She smiled. "And let me tell yah, that janitor was stupidly determined to clean up that mess. Like, even throwing his rolling bucket thing down the stairs while accusing him of tampering with a crime scene didn't deter him. Idiot." She shook her head in a 'what can you do?' way. "Oddly enough, though, his actions were actually to your benefit."

"What? How would someone trying to cover up a crime help me?" I interjected as calmly as I could.

"Because," She smirked deviously. "I was still on the phone! I acquired actual evidence of what's-her-face, Blackwall or something, trying to cover up a crime! She's in jail now!" She laughed. "Ah, but I'm getting ahead of myself. So, as I was struggling to prevent a crime, oh, by the way, you'd already been freed, so we were just waiting for the ambulance to arrive; the police finally showed up."

She then seemed to reconsider her statement.

"Well, I say finally, but they actually didn't take all that long... Anyway, they showed up and arrested the janitor... and me, technically, but that was because the situation was progressing towards a fight. Luckily, they were in contact with the phone operator, so I wasn't actually arrested, and was even thanked! Though yeah, I was a little worried for a bit…" She admitted while rubbing the back of her head.

Well, I can more or less guess what happened from there, so…

"And how did Em- the trio get involved with all this?"

"Oh, that's simple; the police interviewing people told everyone that they were searching for bioterrorists, the sort of thing that sends you right to big boy jail for just keeping quiet about. People couldn't throw the loser three under the bus fast enough! And with video evidence, they were rightly screwed! No one could save them from that." She smiled darkly.

"So yeah, the school is burning, the trio is burning, and while you currently aren't in the best of states, you can only go up from here!"

Heh, I couldn't help but start laughing at that, but soon those laughs turned into tears as everything I'd dealt with refused to be contained any longer.

I felt extra embarrassed about my breakdown because the kind stranger was watching, but she just grabbed hold of me and comforted me while I cried.

Eventually, though, I let everything out, miraculously feeling better than I had since Emma's betrayal.

It's strange; I never thought anything would happen to them—that I'd have to endure their torment until I graduated. It turns out that even the authorities have a limit to how much they'll tolerate, no matter how pretty, rich, and influential you are.

Eventually, I separated from her with a quiet 'thank you,' before we both sat in a surprisingly comfortable silence.

One that lasted until a knock at the door broke it. "Hey girls, how is everything? I got here as soon as I got off work," my dad asked as soon as my mysterious frie-companion opened the door.

"I think we're doing pretty good, right?" Said mysterious companion asked as she sat back down in her chair.

"Uh, yeah, I'm feeling pretty good." I agreed, to my surprise.

"Good, that means I can sign you out so we can get you out of here." My dad offered with a smile. "You've been here long enough." He then immediately left to go do that.

"What? Already?" I asked slightly too late. Luckily, my companion was here to answer my questions.

"Yeah, you've been here for a week already, with the only thing keeping you being your, uh..." She started hesitating, so I gestured for her to continue, "Right, your 'mental break'." She sighed. Ah, I think I can sort of remember something like that happening.

Well, I can remember 'seeing' far more than I could comprehend, something that has only just stopped...

Shaking my head to dispel those thoughts, I decided to voice my worries. "Are you sure I'm ready to leave?"

"I am." She declared with confidence. "I am absolutely certain of it."

Well okay then.

Anyway, my dad soon returned, so it was time to return home.

As I got up, I wondered what my strange companion was going to do, and was briefly surprised when they grabbed a bulky backpack from against the bed. I really shouldn't have been surprised when she then proceeded to follow us out of the hospital, considering she was there for me, but I am not used to people wanting to be around me.

I was, however, much more surprised when she got into Dad's car with us.

After thinking about it for a moment, however, it made sense that we'd also be taking her home. It'd be rude not to after all the time she'd spent waiting for me.

…

Uh, why are we heading to our house though? Does she live nearby? I don't recognize her, but with how I've lived the past few years, that doesn't necessarily mean anything.

My confusion increased as we pulled into our driveway.

I was so confused that I didn't get the chance to warn her about the rotted step before she got to it. Yet, instead of breaking it, or even just happening to avoid said fate, she stepped over it with an uncomfortable amount of familiarity.

It wasn't until she started heading up to the second floor that I finally couldn't resist voicing my confusion. "Where are you going?" I tried to ask politely. If I failed, she didn't let it affect her.

"Ah, I knew there was something I was forgetting." You think? "I'm living with you." She declared simply.

Before I could properly react to that information, she opened up her backpack, revealing it was full of complicated machinery. "Oh, by the way, I'm a parahuman. Specifically a Tinkerer." She finished with an innocent smile.

…What!?

Chapter Text

"What!?" Taylor all but shrieked.

Ah, I didn't think she'd react so intensely.

Haa, at least I'm not being swarmed by bugs or anything; that would suck.

She's also not pumping her emotions into her bugs either, which is probably good? And, wow, was that surprisingly creepy to witness. I absolutely understand why everyone was so intimidated by her.

Still, it's not like that changes anything; trying to hide any tinkering from the omnipotent bug queen is an effort of futility. "You know, a Tinkerer? The parahumans that can make a whole bunch of bullshit using random scraps?" I explained. I remember her not knowing much about paras, so being a bit like a tutorial tutor might be needed.

Besides, my acting like this is fairly likely to help calm her down from sheer confusion, if nothing else, especially with how calm and informative I'm acting.

Hopefully. I'd much rather avoid having bees introduced where the sun don't shine.

"That's—I know what a Tinkerer is!"

"That's good," I smiled brightly. "But do you know the rest of the classifications? Or what threat ratings actually mean?"

"Well, no, but that's not the point!"

"I see, then we will have to review that." I declared. She's getting annoyed though, so: "Later though." I 'relented,' to her relief.

Sadly, that wasn't enough to distract her from her previous train of thought, seeing as she suddenly blurted out, "Why are you a parahuman!?" shocking me.

I mock pouted. "You're not supposed to ask about that…" Seriously, Taylor, you're lucky that it's me you asked that to…

"What? But why?"

Well, seems like it's time to explain Triggers. "Because Trigger Events aren't something most Paras are willing to talk about."

"Trigger Events? What does that have to do with parahumans?" She asked with a bit too much interest.

"Yeah, how paras get their powers." I started, getting her rapt attention. "A situation so horrible that you just... break." I paused, giving my words proper gravitas. "You break, realizing that you're screwed, that there is no hope…" I took a deep breath. "And after you give up... if you're 'lucky' you will be 'rewarded' with suitably ironic powers." I finished, unable to keep the vitriol out of my voice.

Taylor was quite stunned at my declaration, unable to properly respond. Eventually, though, she steeled herself enough to ask for more details. Without hiding behind her swarm, luckily. I'm gonna have to deal with that at some point, though. "Ironic?" She asked with a noticeable amount of dread, making it obvious that she had powers.

Not that I'm going to point that out. I'm trying to be her friend after all.

"Yeah." I started, feeling a bit drained. Power's cruelty is even worse when you can actually see the results. "And not just ironic, but cruelly ironic."

Looking at her, I can see that wasn't enough. Crap, I didn't prepare for this!

"Like, say…" Haa, I should have prepared better for this conversation. How do I explain this!? "Say someone's… sibling, uh." Fuck, I really should have prepped better. Sorry, Sarah, I try not to let such obvious situations go without a plan again. "They killed themselves…"

Taylor's eyes widened at that. Arg, why'd I have to choose this one!?

I mean, I don't really remember many others, and they're all trama-filled tragedies by definition, but still!

"Yeah… So, someone who Triggered from that might get a Thinker power—one that lets them notice things, sort of like Sherlock Holmes."

"That, well, how is that ironic?" Haaaa.

"Because you'd now have the ability to notice everything! From how your waiter didn't wash his hands to if someone was having a bad day. Your power would constantly be yelling to you everything you might have missed." Noticing that she didn't quite get it yet, I continued. "It's a power that constantly reminds you that you didn't notice the signs. That you didn't realize that your sibling was hurting, hurting so much, that they, well…" I trailed off.

With my explanation, Taylor gained a rather horrified expression.

Yup, that's powers for you; they're all horrific bullshit. And not for any reason either! It's just for the sake of being horrific bullshit!!

…

Haa, that took more out of me than I expected, so I quickly retreated to the room Danny lent me.

And! I mean, it's not like I don't have a good reason for not wanting her to question my history. I mean, it doesn't even exist! Technically.

Like, why the fuck am I here, just to please some god!? CYOAs aren't supposed to be real!!!

Haaa, I've complained enough while waiting for Taylor to wake up; it's time to move on.

... It's not like I can do anything about it, anyway, despite how close my power is to doing so. Because of fuckin course it is! Powers are all fucking ironic; why would mine be any different! All I want is to return to my world, so I got the ability to copy powers!

Whooptie-fuckin-doo! It doesn't actually help me; if there was a power to enter my world, Big C wouldn't be so mind-numbingly stupid!

As such, all it does is sadistically shove down my throat how fucking close it is to actually giving me what I want, constantly presenting a false hope that, someday, I might be able to return home.

Fuck. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuckity FuckFuck Fuuck!

And I don't even know if I actually Triggered or if getting that power was just a coincidence!

Regardless, with how things turned out, I might as well have, even if I didn't specifically go through the literal event. That has to count for something, right? Should it, you know, somehow come out that I might not have Triggered.

Cough, cauldron vials, cough.

That's admittedly unlikely, but it's always better to be safe than sorry.

Anyway, as a related issue, I have to make sure I don't speak my thoughts out loud. Not that I tend to anyhow, but even discounting the practical reasons like how Taylor'd react to whatever I said, I just, I don't want to worry her with my bullshit.

And that's when my thoughts were interrupted by Taylor knocking at my door and asking, "Are you okay?"

Well, that was fucking quick…

Haa, of course she would check up on me after my whatever-you-call-it that I just had. Just proves that I need to be careful.

Probably.

"I'm fine." I declared far too weakly for my liking. Stupid emotions, stupid empathy. Why do they affect me so much? I didn't experience it in any way, nor was it even remotely related to me! I was just describing something I read!

She paused, likely doubting my halfhearted denial, before continuing, "Can I come in?"

Haa…

Well, it's not like I really have any other option, so...

I sat up on my bed to make myself a bit more presentable—not that it would hide anything from Taylor, but not putting in the effort is a red flag in itself.

That done, it was time to face the choir. "Sure." I allowed.

Taylor looked surprisingly nervous as she entered the room, having many conflicting emotions that she was visibly struggling to deal with, which was fair, all things considered.

And that's without taking into account her likely guilt from spying on me.

Still, it's good to see that she isn't pushing all of her emotions into her swarm. It can't be healthy to do that as much as she did in 'canon.'

That does, however, leave me dealing with an emotional young woman who just had her life completely shifted, before then possibly hurting the one that saved her from said dreadful fate.

…

Yeah, let's not psychoanalyze this. "Did you need something?" I ask instead as she struggles to find something to say

"I, I'm sorry."

"For what?" I question, genuinely confused. It's not like she's apologizing for spying on me.

"For, well, everything. I shouldn't have asked about how you got powers when I know what they cost myself." She sighed self-deprecationly.

I could barely keep myself from choking at the admission. "What!?"

"Yeah, I, I have powers." She confessed before swarming the room with bugs.

"Well then." I blankly let out, because what the fuck! I, did, not, expect, this! At all!

Well, at least I can confirm she has the same power as before, so I don't need to adjust my plans, but WOW is this sudden.

"So… What brought this up?" Like seriously, what was it? I expected it would take me a week or so to get it out of her, with me needing to point out how dangerous it would be for me to look for ingredients on my own and so on.

She shifted guiltily. "I was worried about you, so I, well," she hesitated. "Was watching you... with my power." No way… "So I saw what happened…"

…

SHE FUCKIN ADMITTED TO IT!!!

What the fuck, Taylor? I know you have a bit of a weak spot for those that help you, but come on! It's not even been a day!

How the fuck am I supposed to react to that!?

Fuck it. "So you triggered." I shifted instead, lacking a proper response to her confession. Like, what the fuck, Taylor? Why would you just admit to that?

"Yeah, it was, the locker." Ooh, she did my emphasis thing!

"Haa, I figured as much." I accidentally admitted.

"You figured!" Ah, shit. Now she's angry.

I raised my hands in surrender. "I mean, what you went through practically screams Trigger Event, you know?" I grimaced. "It's not guaranteed, of course, since like only one in five people are even capable of Triggering in the first place. And that's not even counting the insanity of how powers can only do certain things following a sort of theme and, as such, require specific sorts of Trigger Events to actually be able to give you powers, which is also why relatives tend to get somewhat similar powers, all differed through the specifics of their Trigger Event." I ranted.

"Besides," I shifted, realizing that I was ranting about things I couldn't properly explain. "You occasionally stilled unnaturally," I commented. "Like that!" I pointed, as she proceeded to do just that. "I must say, whatever it is you are doing, it's surprisingly creepy."

"Creepy?" She asked with a surprising amount of dread.

"Just a bit," I confessed. "You never realize just how much a person moves until they stop. It's quite jarring and twinges that spot in your head that looks for things subtly off."

"Oh…" She paused. "How do you know all of that?" She questioned, shifting the conversation back to my previous rant. Ah, she did the same thing I did...

"Ah, well…" How do I get out of this-Ah, I got it. It also conveniently allows me to explain what I can do at the same time. "It's related to my power."

"What do you mean?" She asks with an obvious curiosity.

"Hmm, how to describe it..." I delayed for effect. I'd already thought about, well, most of this. Not how to explain my meta-knowledge, though... "Ah, so, my power can be best described as the tinker version of Eidolon."

The look she gave showed how much she believed that. "It's true!" I insisted with a bit of a pout (playing it up). I already knew it would be a bit of a battle to convince her.

So, before she could argue, I started my explanation: "First, one thing you have to know about powers is that in most cases, stronger powers come with noticeable downsides. Like how String Theory had to build and use her inventions according to an extremely strict schedule, or how LEET effectively has the entire Tinker tech tree, but each time he reuses a tech, it introduces a greater and greater failure chance."

"Is that why his stuff always blows up?"

"Yup," I confirmed. "By the time he realized what his specialty was, he'd pretty much dabbled into every tree, leaving nothing safe. Now he's forced to be cautious to prevent his power from killing him." More or less.

"Ah, I almost feel bad for him." I nodded solemnly in agreement. "Wait, how would you know about that?" She accused.

"As I said, it's my power."

"And how is LEET's power related to that?"

"That's because, like LEET, my power has a major limitation."

"And that is?"

"Mainly that I need to analyze other Parahumans' powers in order to build, basically anything really."

"Then what was that backpack?"

"The only thing I can actually build: a power scanner." I'd be completely fucked if I didn't have that.

She flinched at that. Ah, I guess she figured out that I would have discovered her power on my own. "And what can you do with that?"

I gave her the biggest, wolfish smile I could. "It allows me to create pills that temporarily give people whatever powers I've analyzed."

Chapter Text

"What?" She elegantly responded. Which, fair.

"Yeah," I smiled. "That's why I said I was the Eidolon of Tinkerers; I can theoretically have any and every power." That, and it's better than comparing myself to The Faerie Queen, despite technically being a more accurate comparison.

Adding my knowledge about the source of powers... yeah, best keep quiet about that...

"Seriously!?"

"Yup."

"And you can just, give powers to others?" I nodded. "You could make an army of Eidolons…" She voiced in wonder.

"Possibly, I don't actually know the limits of my power. And considering I'd heard that he was immune to Trumps, or at least power copiers, it might not work." Honestly, there are so many variables that predicting the outcome is impossible to accurately guess.

Like, do I copy High Priest or a specific power? Can I analyze other powers of his? What about the Endbringers? It's technically an active expression of his power, right? So, can I do anything with that? So many possibilities…

"Still! Even if you can't copy him, you can give hundreds of people powers! You could stop crime! All of it!!"

"Eh, not really." I denied. "Sadly, my pills only give temporary powers," I said, putting extreme emphasis on temporary. "And only for a few minutes at that." I sighed. "As I said, the stronger the ability, the greater the limitations and weaknesses."

"That weakness being that you have to scan someone's powers before you can even make your pills."

"Pretty much." I nodded. "There's more, but that's the main one."

"So, what powers can you currently replicate?"

"Only Panacea's currently."

"What? I mean, her power is great and all." Oh, it's more than great, "But I'd think you'd have analyzed a whole bunch of people by now."

I grimaced. "See, the problem with that is, my powers are a rather... recent, acquisition."

"Oh. Uh, how recent?" She nervously asked.

"I'd literally had them for less than a day when I found you."

"Oh." She whispered. "Are, are you okay? I mean, you're obviously not, but-"

"I'm fine." I cut off firmly. "I've had a week to more or less deal with it. Just," I started, "there's a reason I'm currently living with you like this, okay?"

She looked pained at my declaration but reluctantly nodded in acceptance. "Okay, just know that I'm here if you need anything." She finished, looking like she wanted to hug me.

I rolled my eyes and opened my arms in invitation, something she nervously accepted.

Still, as much as I enjoy hugs, and Taylor needs more of them, we have things to do.

So, "Speaking of Panacea, do you have any requests?" Smooth…

"What do you mean, requests? And, do I need healing? Oh, is that why you could guarantee that I'd be fine!?"

"Ah, I forgot about that. And, I don't think so? I was going to heal you regardless, considering how unhealthily you've been living, though." I started. "But, no, that's not what I meant. I asked for suggestions because Panacea's power isn't healing."

"Then what is it?" She asks worryingly.

"Biokinesis," I smirked. "Complete, barely limited, biokinesis."

She just gaped at me, not quite believing me but not seeing how or why I'd lie. "What??" She ended up elegantly asking.

"Yeah, she's been holding back." And ain't that an understatement? "So, do you have any specific requests?"

"I, don't know." She admitted. "What do you recommend?"

"Other than every basic improvement we can think of, I don't have any specific ideas." I shrugged. "So long as we don't attract attention, we can do basically anything you can think of. Wouldn't want anyone finding out about us, after all."

"Ah, yeah." She grimaced. "That would be, bad." An understatement if I'd ever heard one.

"Hmm, as long as we do any major changes slowly, we should be fine. And with how you dress and my lack of public presence, we could potentially do some moderately noticeable modification right now." I proposed thoughtfully.

"That's… Can I think about it?"

"Sure." I shrugged. "Not like I really have a time limit," I think. That would suuuck if I did. "Oh, don't forget about your bug control; that and biocontrol are a match made in heaven," I smirked. "Or hell."

Taylor, for some reason, shivered.

Hmm, I guess it'll take some time before I can start suggesting the good stuff.

"Well, it's something to think about; it's not like I can even really make anything at the moment." I shrugged.

"Why not?"

"I need more supplies," I confessed. "While your dad's generous donations are appreciated, they're only enough for a batch, maybe two, of pills at most. Enough to heal some injuries and the like but not much else." I shrugged in a 'what can you do' way.

Tinkers need supplies; it's kind of their thing.

"Ah, right." She chastised herself.

"So, yeah, not much I can do until I 'gather' some supplies."

"And how do you plan on doing that?"

"By wandering around and searching through people's trash!" I cheerfully declared.

Taylor just stared at me like I was an idiot. Which I am, so fair.

Still. "Hey, they obviously don't want it!" I counter. "And it's not like I really have any other option, you know?"

"Really?" She doubted.

"Really." I insisted. "While buying things would work for a bit, as many chemicals have a variety of uses and are consumable, so repeat purchases aren't too unusual, it would eventually attract attention." Not to mention how I literally have no money. "So scavenging it is! Besides, removing random chemicals from the wild is good for the environment, so as a Hero it is my honor, no, my duty, to do so!"

She sighed, "Fine, but I'm coming with you."

"Really!" I cheered. I genuinely thought I'd need to ask her for help after scavenging on my own for a bit. I never imagined she'd offer!

"Of course." She affirmed. "How could I not help after everything you've done for me?"

I guess that makes sense. Still, isn't she trusting me a bit too much?

Regardless, "I'd love to have you!"

She gave me a lovely smile in response.

"Still, even with your help, we can't do this without a plan," I advised. "Especially since you are inexperienced with your power. We don't want to accidentally kill someone or something." I cautioned.

She paled. "Ah, right. That would be… bad."

"Sorry for being harsh, but this is very important," I advised. "Despite what some people think, powers aren't part of some big game; people can die when powers are used, whether it's other parahumans, gang members, or innocent civilians. As such, it's important to plan how you're going to use them." I insisted. "But, before I can help you with that, I need to know more about your power."

She took a deep breath. "I can sense and control every bug within a few city blocks."

I nodded. "And can you receive the senses of your bugs?"

She grimaced. "Not, really." She sighed. "It's just, sight and sound are too overwhelming for me to comprehend."

"What about kinesthesia and scent?" I 'suggested.'

"Ah, those I can understand." She then amended her statement. "Mostly. Kinesthesia is easy, but I have to focus to really use scent."

"Ah," I thought as Taylor looked at me nervously.

"I-I know it's not very good, but I won-"

"Wrong." I denied, causing her to flinch. Before she could respond, though, I continued. "Your power is amazing." "What?" "It is not only ridiculously diverse, being capable of scouting and projecting over a rather large area, but also quite capable of easily dealing with most foes. And even if you were limited to crudely controlling your swarm, you could still do a lot." I insisted. "Seriously, don't underestimate your power, Taylor; it's quite extraordinary."

She hesitated at my explanation, though before she could come to some conclusion, I continued.

"And of course that's not counting the myriad of things you can do when supported by my power. Why, I might just be able to make something to extend your range to cover the entire city and beyond! Combine that with a whole bunch of nests spread throughout the city and some artificial superbugs, and that sounds like a recipe to end Villainy! Or take over the city." I shrugged.

She sat there flabbergasted at my ideas until she processed my final line. "Why would I do that! I'm going to be a Hero, not a Villain!"

"Well, considering how governments are, and how they rely on a monopoly of violence to get what they want, they'll probably see us as a threat. And even if they didn't, they would still get in our way unless we submitted to them."

"Even if we stopped crime?"

"Especially if we stopped crime." I insisted. "We'd be showing them up. And authorities don't like it when that happens."

"Tch, of course." Aand now I've got her opposing the government... Again, are you okay, Taylor?

"Don't worry, I have some ideas for how we can deal with that," I smirked. "That's something to discuss later, however, as we need to be able to get to that point first. Something that will require a lot of training and preparation."

She nodded in acceptance.

"For now, we have a more immediate issue: getting supplies. To start, we need to make sure to prioritize stealth."

"Makes sense. Even I know that Tinkers are valuable, much less one like you."

"Exactly." I agreed. Sadly, that won't be enough. "But I feel you are underestimating how stealthy we will need to be."

"How so?"

This is going to be bad. "We can't let anyone discover us. Anyone." I emphasized. "Not even civilians."

"You want us to just leave people being assaulted by criminals!"

"I don't want to!" And I really didn't. While I'm not the sort of person who would go out of my way to help people, I would help someone right in front of me.

"I really don't." I sighed. "Sadly, doing so might cause us problems." I grimly admitted.

"How?" She grits out, trusting that I at least have a point, even if she doesn't agree with it. "How would helping people like heroes cause us problems?"

"By allowing our enemies the ability to create counters, find your hives," "Hives?" "and so on. That would drastically increase the difficulty of clearing the villains out of the city."

I sighed, "If you know of any way we could help people without revealing our hand, I'm all ears, but as I am now, I don't see a way that wouldn't cause us more problems in the future. It'd be really difficult for you to do anything against the gangs if they buy out all the bug spray and whatnot." I shook my head. "So we have to minimize knowledge of us while we prepare to remove every villain from the board."

"Didn't you say doing that would piss off the government?"

"It would, but if we work fast and effectively enough, they aren't likely to act too quickly, probably expecting a repeat of the Boston Games. Which," I continued, "if we can stop from happening, we'd hopefully have good enough PR that the people will object to any blatant hostilities towards us." Especially if Big C keeps up the Terminus Project.

"And how do you plan on doing that?"

"The same way as all Tinkers: preparation!" I smiled. "Specifically, I want you to set up bug hives all throughout the city so that you are always properly equipped to handle any threat, especially if I can Tinker up some way to extend your range." Thank you, Canon.

"I, while that sounds really useful, I don't see how more bugs will help."

"How would more bugs not help?" I countered. "Especially since they'd be bioengineered bugs. Ones with special tranquilizer drugs that will hopefully be completely safe, as well as EpiPen and/or antidote bugs for should that fail."

She paused to consider that. "Well, that might work." She relented. "But I don't see that working against villains."

"Oh, you'd be surprised how vulnerable most parahumans would be against that. And while, yes, not every villain would be susceptible to that, most of them are! Remember, despite what popular culture tells us, parahumans are still physically mundane humans, and are weak to the same things. That means out of all the villains that would try, you can easily defeat ninety-plus percent of them!"

"Ah, I guess that's true. It just feels…"

"Pathetic, mundane, pedestrian? Disparaging the gravitas and mysticism of heroes by highlighting the sheer mundaneness of proper modern combat?"

"Yeah…"

"Don't worry; even if the reality of what we're doing is quite boring, we're still helping the city become a better, safer place." I smiled comfortably.

She smiled in acceptance. She then asked. "So, do you have any plans for the tougher villains, like Hookwolf or Lung?"

"Of course! Well, more or less, at least. It mainly depends on what powers I can get." I admitted. "Worst case, though, I just copy their powers, add on a few others, and absolutely wreck them." I shrugged. "Power copying is pretty good at that sort of thing, you know?" I smirked.

"True," she agreed with a smile.

"That doesn't mean we can be cocky, however. Even Eidolon could be defeated if he doesn't take his enemies seriously. Proper preparation and contingencies are absolutely vital. As is staying unknown." I declared, shocking Taylor. "I know, I know, but as long as our enemies don't know what to target, they can't really win."

She sighed. "That's true. It's just very different than what other heroes do."

That's part of why they're losing; they're spending far too much effort making money putting on a show to actually help people." I declared, legitimately annoyed at the showman mentality of parahuman culture. "Besides, do you want to have to deal with the paparazzi and various fans harassing you for autographs and the like?"

She grimaced. "Not really." She admitted.

"Neither do I." I agreed. "So, not only is staying hidden practical, it also means we don't need to deal with annoying fans and the like."

"Haa, fine, let's use your plan."

"Thank you." I smiled comfortingly. "Trust me, it'll all be worth it when we drop off a few dozen villains at the PRT HQ."

Chapter Text

Our trip to gather supplies went without a hitch.

As did the next one.

And the next one.

And the- you get it.

Not that I expected otherwise, considering all of our advantages, but things can always go wrong.

Either way, our trips were pretty uneventful. Taylor was more than capable of keeping us out of sight of anyone and everything while also being ridiculously good at finding whatever I needed.

Which nicely segues me to Panpan’s powers! The ni-infinitely useful ability to manipulate biology however I please has been quite the boon, even beyond the obvious (seriously, her power is unbelievably diverse in its uses, and I’m not remotely close to utilizing its full potential).

For example, I’ve discovered how to create a majority of the ingredients I need using specially made bio-vats. They’re… alarmingly creepy despite how innocuous I made them look, but hey, they work, so I can’t complain.

Well, much anyway. Man, they took way too long to make…

I guess that’s to be expected, though, being able to flawlessly use any power at will would be overpowered. And not in the ‘fun’ way shards enjoy. I think.

Eh, what matters is that the powers I make aren’t instinctive, being more like what I imagine Cauldron Vials are like (which is really weird to experience, by the way). Fair enough though, I guess; it’s not like they create a proper, permanent connection to your brain like everyone else’s powers.

The important thing is that it’s another weakness, one that requires preparation to properly utilize.

Unless my power is feeling helpful, of course.

Hmm, I wonder if it’s pushing me towards or away from conflict?

*Shrugs*

All that really matters is that the necessity of practicing with the powers I make (more than we would normally, anyway) means that while I do have a decent enough stockpile prepared, it’s not nearly as complete as I’d like…

Regardless, thanks to them, training is going quite well. And while we can’t use Panpan’s powers to master martial arts and parkour directly, our (almost) perfect proprioception and enhanced reflexes were a more than worthy substitute.

Other than that, we’ve also been practicing with our powers!

Well, mostly Taylor, considering she’s the only one with an active power, but we both have been practicing with the powers I’ve copied. Sadly, I don’t have enough pills for us to really get familiar with them, but whatever, it’s not like we even have the space for any proper practice.

By the way, I can change powers to other expressions; it’s just ridiculously difficult, so no getting the cool bone power from Panpan currently. The only exception I’ve found is that it is fairly easy to weaken a power, something that is completely necessary for using Taylor’s power (stupid Royal Shard), though that might just be because even she can’t fully use her power...

Hmm, does that mean the actually broken powers are also unusable?

Meh. Anyway, using the weakening effect, I was able to actually use Tay’s power to affect only a handful of bugs at a time. This, when combined with our discovery that sufficiently large bugs could also get powers from my pills, just at drastically reduced levels but with proportionally longer durations, allowed us to do what has become my newest hobby: gladiatorial bug battles!

It’s surprisingly fun and even doubles as a training aid!

Okay, while it does work as an okay substitute for fighting other parahumans, it’s definitely not a replacement. Pretty good for testing how the various powers I got work and so on, though.

The fuckin Lung bugs we made are awesome, though! Sadly, since most of them die once the power wears off, even when we use Panpan’s power, we only have a few of them.

And they’re not particularly strong either, even with consecutive doses (that have an even worse survival chance…). Haa, at least we learned that we need to de-escalate while still under the pills’ effects from this; that could have ended badly...

Anyway! We also had a conversation with Danny!

Well, Taylor did first. I was only invited in after they had their heart-to-heart to discuss my plans, mainly how I planned to keep us safe and why I thought it was better than joining the Wards.

Well, beyond what I’d discussed with him when I first moved in, considering that he was quite on my side at the time.

But then again, it wasn’t his daughter at risk then, was it? Especially since I planned on moving out at some point. And still do. Not that I particularly want to, considering I actually quite like having others living with me despite, well, because of, my introverted nature.

I just wouldn’t interact with anyone otherwise...

Besides, how would I survive without my hugs!

Which is something else I’ve introduced to the family that is having noticeable effects—my hugging of basically anyone whenever I see them!

Now, while I was quite the hugger previously, I will admit that I’m using this as a sort of coping mechanism. A lovely, mutually beneficial one, yes, and far healthier than most other methods, but it’s still coping.

Ahem, anyway, I now need to convince a protective father who previously failed not to overcompensate.

Without using those specific words...

“So,” I started, getting the attention of my ‘eager’ audience, “part of the reason why not joining the wards is actually safer, is because we don’t plan on showing ourselves to the public. At all, ideally.”

That stunned him. “What, but how?”

“By using this neat little thing me and Taylor” “Taylor and I!” “created.” I smirked, ignoring Taylor’s correction as always. One of these days she’ll realize I’m doing it on purpose. “Behold, The Relay Bug!” I declared, showing the weird-looking bug thing I keep with me at all times. “This right here extends the range of Taylor’s power massively! Especially since they can be linked sequentially.” I smiled dangerously. “With that, we, and by we, I mean Taylor, can protect people anywhere in the city, all without having to leave the house! Or school, or wherever else she might end up. Compare that to the Wards that would parade her in front of the masses, and Villians, all while limiting her to just butterflies or some shit, and there’s really no comparison.”

“And that’s not counting the other things Taylor can do with her power.” Taylor helpfully added.

Yeah, having the same name is a funny coincidence. Though it can cause some confusion at times, so Danny tends to call me Miss Klatt instead.

“Exactly.” I nodded in approval, getting a happy smile in return. “Which, as I said, was replicating powers.” Something I’d told him, but I don’t think he quite believed me, not that I really blame him. He did at least trust that I’d be able to heal Taylor. Hmm, now that I’m thinking about it, he probably thought I was more like Bomb-bomb, making tech that projects a power once. “Meaning that between Panpan’s healing and a few other defensive powers, like Alabaster’s, we will be ludicrously safe. It’s all but impossible to be safer, even.”

“Huh, I guess I can’t argue against that.” He admitted, trying to sound reluctant, but failing.

“Really!” Taylor shouted in surprise.

“Of course.”

“But, why?” Tay asked.

“Other than the obvious?” He said, gesturing towards me, “I know how governments are, your mother worked for Lustrum, and we both disliked how the Heroes do things.”

“Then why did you want me to join the Wards?” She questioned.

“Because I want you to be safe.” He all but pleaded.

“Don’t worry, we will,” I promised.

“Okay.” He accepts, even if a bit reluctantly. “So, how do you plan on doing this?”

“Don’t worry, I have a plan,” I smirked.

So, to be as safe and successful as possible, we must prepare to handle anything.” I insisted. “And to do that, we can’t just start attacking the gangs randomly; we need to strike hard, fast, and, most importantly, constantly, never letting up for more than a moment.” I insisted. “The Boston games showed us what happens when the heroes stop working so hard after they win, after all, and I’d really rather not have to deal with that/have all our hard work thrown away like that.”

They nodded.

“Right, and to do that, especially without a good amount of outside assistance, we must prepare a lot. For us specifically, that means setting up hives throughout the city so Taylor has the proper tools to deal with most threats.”I explained.

“We also need to set up stockpiles, likely located in, or at least near, said hives, full of various pills and other useful equipment. Luckily, because of their distinctly disposable and consumable nature, my pills can last quite a while without maintenance. However I’d do that.” I shrugged. I genuinely have no clue how I’d even attempt to do that, so I don’t think I actually can.

“With all that, and a few other contingencies, we should be more than capable of handling a vast majority of capes that might try to claim the city, especially once they notice just how ridiculously dug in we’d be. All while only leaving when necessary.” I smiled.

“Ah, I see that you put a lot of thought into this,” Danny approved.

“And that’s only the surface,” I declare. “I have much more detailed plans upstairs!”

“Then why don't you go get it so that we can look it over together?” He suggested.

“Sure!” I chirped, before rushing upstairs, missing the look the Heberts were giving each other at my antics.

______

What should be unsurprising to anyone with a lick of common sense is that my plan needed a good amount of work, which, fair. Not that mine was bad or anything; it was just fairly obvious that I wasn’t from around here, one of the few things they’d already gotten out of me about my past.

Luckily, my oddly exotic accent, not helped by my abnormal situation, means they have no idea where I’m actually from.

And I plan on keeping it that way.

Anyway! Danny helped make the plan a lot more detailed and accident-proof, especially after he brought in some resources from his work to find proper places for the hives we needed to make.

Sadly, he didn’t really have any ideas for how we could stay hidden while helping people other than just anonymously reporting some of the crimes Taylor finds.

Some, because anything else would alert the gangs that there was a Thinker (or Tinker) acting up, and he doesn’t want the plan to fail (mainly because Taylor might get hurt if it did, but that’s besides the point). Which is genuinely annoying, but sadly, I’m too stupid to make a better plan.

At least, without making a lot more pills. And that’s ignoring how Danny would react to that…

Oh well, at least we’re finding out so much stuff while we prepare that completely taking out the gangs is going to be a breeze!

Seriously!

Taylor found the civilian identities of all the villains (and Sophia, somehow; she was not happy about that...), including fucking Coil, meaning I could discretely set up analyzers (made using parts Danny acquired from the union, thanks Taylor!) all around to copy their powers.

Victory is in our grasp!

I do, however, refuse to let anything go wrong. Murphy will not have us! While I know that things won’t go perfectly, I’m making as many contingencies as I can.

Like realizing that while we could theoretically defeat the 9, Jack’s a cheating cheater that cheats, so I’m going to rely on the fact that Broadcast should steer him away from impossible fights, or at least costly ones, which a Bay invasion would be since I know about Manton.

See, Broadcast, it’s not worth it; all you’d get from attacking us is Jack dying like a bitch to some random guy, possibly from this city as I’d spread his secret!

So back off!

I will not let Jack win...

Haa. And I’m ranting again...

Anyway, our more mundane lives are also going well. Taylor is now going to Arcadia, though without me since I don’t have an identity. I do, however, still talk to her during school using her alarmingly scary way of talking through her swarm and the new ear and eye bugs we’d made, usually for me to regularly give Taylor advice and comfort since, without me, Tay probably couldn’t have properly functioned at school, what with her excessive (yet mostly justified) worry about it, extreme loneliness, and so on.

Especially since I’ve effectively forbidden her from using her emotion-spreading thing outside of emergencies. Like, not only is it probably unhealthy, but it’s also an obvious sign that something unusual is going on with her, something that someone might notice. I did make sure she knew how to do it, though, since it could be useful in emergencies or against thinkers.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to help, I just wish she’d spend a bit more time with others and actually made some friends.

Speaking of emergencies, I wish we got more than the emergency phones I finally convinced everyone to get for emergencies. Like, I feel bad about bringing up how Tay could have called for help or how having a way other than bugs to contact people (cough, Danny, cough) is actually kind of necessary to keep our anonymity, but it was really important!

…

Oh, by the way, most of our bugs can breed, but not only lack the instincts to do so (or anything, really), but are hilariously maladapted to living even if they somehow did. Turns out, spending the majority of your energy on a not-at-all-useful organ (they lack the brainpower to actually analyze what their senses find) is bad for survival; who knew!

And, since they can breed, we are currently filling the city with them. Man, I can’t wait for them to reach critical mass; nothing will be able to escape us then!

And finally, after three months of preparation, the thing I’ve been waiting for happened: Lung returned with his new pet.

And so, let the games... begin!

Chapter Text

“Lung’s back,” Taylor reported one day. Hmm, March 23rd... earlier than I thought. “And he has a woman with him, like you predicted.” 

Haa, fucking finally . I was getting so tired of waiting, watching innocent people being tormented for those sick bastards' own amusement...

Or, well, Taylor’s descriptions of that and the nervous breakdown (or something; I’m very much not a doctor) it caused.

Taylor crying in my arms after watching another innocent die while she did nothing , knowing that they were sacrificed ‘for the greater good’ . Wanting, desperately, to just call it off, say screw the plan, and just, save people, be the Hero the Bay’s been waiting for. But that’d cause even more people to be hurt in the long run…

Haa, at least we can do something now. I just hope our wait was worth it.

No, it will be; I’ll make sure of it.

Anyway, we hid all that from Danny. Something I did not agree with , but I haven’t had as much luck getting her to open up to him as we’d like, so...

It’s a work in progress.

Regardless, “Then it’s time to start.” I cheered maliciously. “Well, once Danny gets here, anyway.” I amended, remembering our earlier promise. Haa, even more waiting. Whatever, we’ve waited months; a few hours wouldn’t hurt. Much.

Right?

“Hey, can, can we just, call Dad?” Taylor suddenly asks.

“Hmm? What for?”

“So we can start earlier.”

I perked up at that. “Huh, I didn’t think of that.” I see I’m not the only one tired of us just sitting back this whole time.  

Time that was annoyingly needed, though. And even then, we’re still not finished with our preparations! But, as they say, perfect is the enemy of good, and, honestly, our plans likely won’t ever be truly complete, even beyond our never-ending need for more pills and bugs, as we keep coming up with new additions and improvements…

Anyway, tangent aside, “Go ahead and ask; worst case he just says no.” Well, that he does and T doesn’t accept that, but let’s just hope that doesn’t happen... “And make sure everything is ready.” I reminded—not that I really needed to, but it made us feel like I was helping. “I want to be ready to act as soon as Danny walks in that door.”

She gave me a serious nod before getting to work setting up an ambush.

While also watching the entire city.

While doing her homework, of course. Can’t forget about that. I can’t help but think that her mother would be proud of her, finding a way to help others while also helping herself.

You know what? I should tell Taylor that.

…

I got a nice, heartfelt smile in response as she hugged me

And that’s the scene Danny returned home early to find. Not too bad, if I say so myself.

Of course, we couldn’t stay like that; we have bad guys to capture!

Before we could, though, Danny had to let his grievances be known. “Are you sure you want to act now ? Why not prepare a bit more?” He suggested. Haa, I shouldn’t be surprised; he never wanted us, well, Taylor, to do anything dangerous. Even showing him the studies (that are suspiciously hard to find and lacking) that say paras need to use their powers wasn’t enough.

“Waiting won’t accomplish anything,” I argued. “Like, yeah, there’s still stuff we can do, but you know better than most that you can only plan so much.” I shrugged with a feigned casualness. We’ve already waited for so long...

“I know, I just...”

“Moreover,” I continued, not letting his argument gather steam, “I’m pretty certain the woman with him is the Cornell Bomber, a bomb Tinkerer . Something I’m certain you don’t want wandering around anywhere close to anything you even remotely care about. Especially with the psychotic suicide bomber that is Oni Lee on her side.” I sighed. “They’ve somehow found something worse than Tinkertech bombs, reusable Tinkertech bombs.” *shivers “As such, we have to strike now, before she gets the chance to make any of them.”

He sighed, but couldn’t refute my point. She’s just too dangerous to let build up.

And just in case. “Besides, knowing parahumans, she might decide to build a massive EMP that would destroy all electronics in the Eastern Seaboard or something equally stupid.”

He scoffed. “There’s no way she’d do something that stupid. That’d get her an immediate kill order.”

“Like how no one would try to blow up the moon?” Like, WTF String Theory?

He sighed again, really looking like he wanted to curse parahumans, only being stopped by his daughter’s status as one.

And, you know, mine too.

Anyway, with everyone unanimously agreeing that we need to take out Miss Bomb-Bomb as soon as possible, operation Fuck Villians is a go!

…It’s not actually called that, Taylor…

Whatever, the operation is a go, so Tay starts capturing every criminal she can find while reporting them through jailbroken telephone booths.

Hopefully, we won’t completely overwork the police. Not that it’ll matter soon, considering an alarming amount of them are in the Empire’s or Coil’s pockets, but until we release all the evidence we’ve gathered, their support will be quite convenient.

Oh well, sacrifices have to be made. And while that would normally increase crime, if only for a bit, it’s not like the criminals have to actually be in prison to be contained, not with Big Sister watching!

Speaking of Taylor and her constant surveillance of the city, it’s annoying how much of our plan relies on her ability to forgo sleep.

Seriously, if it wasn’t for our ability to replicate sleep through both Panpan’s and Miss Millitia’s powers, my plan might not have worked. With those, however, Taylor can constantly guard the people of the city. All without screwing up her schedule and leaving obvious openings for Villians to exploit. All at the cost of even more stress...

Though , limiting the times when criminals can act would still be quite useful for the ‘good’ guys, so I guess it isn’t necessary .

Eh, not that it really matters, since we do have the means of constant vigilance and whatnot.

Beware, Brockton Bay; Big Sister is always watching.

______

Anyway, the operation started, more or less exactly as we, i.e., Danny, expected it would—slow and boring. Annoyingly, there just weren’t any Villains out and about. In costume, at least, according to the ‘map’ on the wall. Specifically, the living cuttlefish bug hybrid thing we created that Taylor uses to inform us of what’s happening, without which Danny and I wouldn’t have been nearly as helpful.

As such, we couldn’t attack any Villians, not without breaking the unwritten rules . Which, while I don’t care too much about, and certainly don’t trust, us breaking them, especially so openly, would attract the wrong kind of attention.

That doesn’t mean we’ll let Villians act freely just because they aren’t wearing a costume, though. No, we’ll just treat them the same as any other criminal we find committing a crime!

Waiting for costumes is just for when we take the initiative.

Not to say we didn’t attack anyone, however.

We nabbed Coil.

I mean, what else were supposed to do when he just hands us the victory?

Like, there he was, directing his mercenaries to commit crimes while trusting his power to both figure out what was happening in the city and protect him. Which meant that he was in one place, without a backup, committing crimes, all while being in costume . When we saw that (localized omniscience is OP; who would have thought, lol), we just had to strike; we couldn’t have made a better opportunity if we tried!

And with him gone, his mercenaries were hilariously easy to deal with. Also, while the self-destruct was worrying, we’d disabled it forever ago with the termites we made specifically for that (not that we weren’t still worried).

So, new base get!

Piling everyone up in an abandoned warehouse with the crates of evidence we’d found, all without being noticed in any way shape or form so we could actually keep said base, was quite annoying, though. Still, it was definitely worth it (who doesn’t want a Bond Villian base?).

Besides PRT’s reaction to us accomplishing that was pretty funny! If you ignore how problematic it is...

Like, yeah, we’ve obviously shown ourselves to be fairly powerful, and scarily sneaky , but do you really have to be so hostile towards us in your meeting!? That we were spying on, as well as the rest of your base…

Okay, so they are right to be worried, but that’s no reason to be rude!

Being all like, ‘Who the hell are these guys? and ‘They are obviously a threat that needs to be brought in immediately ’. Beh, typical. Do something good and everyone throws a fit.

Haa, at least there are a few people like Assault who believe that we might (ugh) potentially be Heroes, and that they shouldn’t be openly hostile with us, which was nice. 

It certainly calmed Taylor down quite a bit (she was almost ready to just say screw it and become a 'Villain') and even warmed her up to the idea that redeeming villains might be worth it!

Might.

Anyway, other than capturing Coil and a bunch of random thugs, we did nothing .

There were no capes out and about, no big gang fights, no rallies, nothing . Like, even Bomb-Bomb wasn’t making any bombs! There were just a bunch of mundane criminals, and even that was dropping (though that is admittedly a good thing)! And since we are planning on dealing with the gang leaders before we take on the city’s corruption just in case we need the support and manpower (and to hopefully cause less panic when we do), we can’t even do that!

How are we supposed to arrest everyone if they don’t do anything!

It's like our actions scared them...

But, that can’t be right, can it?

______

It turns out we did scare them, as a few days later Tay exclaimed, “Wow, that’s a lot of capes.” 

I, of course, checked, and yup, that is, indeed, a lot of capes.

Uh, apparently us arresting like a hundred Nazis was the equivalent of kicking a hornet’s nest, sparking a reaction from the Empire.

No, I take that back. Our arresting hundred s of thugs from every gang sparked a reaction from all of them . At the same time .

…

oops?

…

At least Taylor has infinite multitasking? And the small-time gangs like the Merchants (that aren’t really a threat yet, not even having Trainwreck, who isn’t in the Bay , presumably as T would have noticed the portal) will be pretty simple to deal with using said multitasking. Especially since we have hives spread throughout the entire city. But…

Haa, fuck .

Luckily, we prepared for something like this, even if it was initially suggested as a joke. And, you know, we are constantly spying on everyone, allowing us to notice as soon as they decided to do this. So, when you add in our standard level of preparation, we should hopefully (fingers crossed) be ready.

I mean, if I’m being perfectly honest, our biggest problem is probably going to be how the fucking government will react to what’s about to happen, considering how afraid of us they already are. Haa. 

Ideally, we’d have taken out a good number of capes before they decided to do something like this, to build up some trust and so on, but c'est la vie. We’ll just have to adapt.

But that’s for later; right now we have some Nazis (and more) to kil - capture, I meant capture. No killing the Nazis, even if they probably deserve it.

I doubt I could convince Taylor to do it...

And, you know, that’d get us labeled as villains immediately. Or an S-class threat, either or.

(Not that I don’t have plans for if they did , just like how I have plans for basically any eventuality that’s at least vaguely likely to happen, Zion and Broadcast included, but man would that suck .)

Anyway, they get to live, but if we have things our way, they’ll do so in a cell!

Or as rebranded Heroes, I’m not particularly picky, even if Taylor still finds the practice distasteful. She understands why it's done; she just dislikes it. Which is fair.

And a problem for another time: should one of them, for some insane reason , come back to the Bay.

Please don’t return here; I’d really rather not have to deal with the inevitable fallout.

Anyway, while I was thinking about a whole lot of nonsense, Taylor was setting up an ambush for the little flies that don’t realize they’re already in the spider’s den. ‘ Will you walk into my parlor?' said the Spider to the Fly.

Heh. 

Still, it was surprisingly difficult, as we didn’t want anyone to notice. And while that probably wouldn’t change the outcome too much, a successful ambush would reduce property damage and help prevent any casualties, something of vital importance. Even more important than actually arresting anyone. We can always arrest someone later; we can’t resurrect the dead.

Even with my power .

I was helping her, of course, but with how much was going on (and my inability to properly use QA, especially when T is in range), there wasn’t much I could actually do. So I was stuck just waiting. Waiting and looking over what she’s doing just in case .

Like Tay would miss anything with her nigh-infinite multitasking.

Still, that brings me here, to the out-of-the-way warehouse that the E88 (the biggest, fastest, and most organized threat) well, probably owns, filled to the brim with gangsters and capes. Well, at our war room’s scale 3D bug model of the building with specific markers for the thugs, paras, and anything else of interest, along with various monitors showing us what our various cameras, sensors, and such (both tinkertech and mundane) find.

Heh, supervillains, tinkerers, Cauldron, they all wish they could have a command room this good!

Ahem, anyway, there are a lot of capes gathering. Like, actually all of them. The only ones technically missing are Purity (who ‘left’ the gang), Night and Fog (both luckily in Boston, though I’m not looking forward to their potential return).

However one of them, Victor , wasn’t actually in costume. Unlucky, for him , as we’re going to arrest him anyway!

All together that means there’s fucking twelve parahumans there right now, something that would be completely suicidal to attack even if every ‘Hero’ in the city united against them. And that’s without counting the, uh, two hundred and thirty-fucking-seven nonpowered thugs also in attendance.

Holy shit , that’s a lot. Man, I didn’t think they had that many (true) members in total... Fuck, it’s a good thing we’re on a completely different level than everyone else in the Bay. I doubt anyone else could take down such a large gang.

Oh, wait, apparently the E88 has over one thousand active gang members, according to Taylor. Once again, holy shit. And to top it all off, that is allegedly only decently high for a gang, with there being even bigger gangs around the country, even excluding things like the Elite.

Fucken hell, man.

Okay, moving on from that depressive realization, to make sure that we aren’t just braggarts when we claim that we can protect this city, we prepared trap after trap, plan after plan, and contingency after contingency. And with eyes and more in every conceivable location, we can even adapt to any changing situation.

And so, once everyone had arrived and the false Kaiser stepped up to the stage, it was time to see how good our plans really were, for our attack begins now!

And then Lung chose that moment to start ramping up…

FUCK!

Chapter Text

While other Taylor (I have no clue why she refers to herself like that; she's older than me, though admittedly I'm not sure by how much) was freaking out over Lung, I was actually dealing with the problem

Though, is she actually freaking out, or is- no, she's just being a drama queen, again. Haa, of course she is…

Whatever, that's just how she is.

Besides, I can't complain; she gives nice, soft hugs (I'm not jealous; I'd change myself if I was).

Still, I can't help but envy how carefree she is at times, how confident that we will succeed.

How effortlessly she deals with her issues.

I can understand her desire to panic, though, especially considering how annoying his timing is. But, as insane as it sounds, he's a non-issue—a minor distraction at worst.

However, I will admit that we would have had some difficulties should he have already ramped up (he apparently fought Leviathan to a standstill? Where does Taylor get this information?), but even that wouldn't have been insurmountable, far from it. Not with all the, well, abominations we created.

But as he is, "Lung down," a few quick doses of our specially bio-engineered anesthetics were more than enough (though I overestimated his innate durability). As Taylor would say, 'all the powers OP'.

So, with that threat dealt with for now, I turned most of my focus toward Kaiser and the rest of the E88. Not that it makes much of a difference with my basically infinite multitasking; no matter how much Taylor expands my range, no matter how many bugs are under my control, it never overwhelms me.

Something that didn't surprise Taylor, of course, considering she probably- no, definitely knows more about my power than I do.

More about every power we've found.

Honestly, she knows a frankly suspicious amount about powers and how they work. And what she knows about them, how she refers to them—all of it is eerily similar to, well… Glaistig Uaine…

And, if you exclude the death aspect, Taylor's power is even almost exactly like a tinker version of her power, not Eidolon like she claimed (not that I blame her for using him as her example instead). The only way it could really be closer is if she built golems that had powers or something instead.

…

You know, I'm going to take a page from her book and think about something else, like our ambush. That's pretty important, definitely more so than the potential sanity (or lack thereof) of my only real friend.

So! Since this battle was really important, we had my dad use 'The Eye (Gold) (Fragment)' (and I just said I was dropping it) to calculate the probability of a successful mission, which was a ridiculous 93%.

Something skewed by the fact that success includes staying completely hidden, so there's probably nothing to worry about, even if we still have to take this seriously in order to get that result.

Sadly, as comforting as knowing what our chances of success are, we can't use that power that often, as every use of it instantly gives the user a bad 'Thinker Headache,' with a second being too likely to cause actual brain damage for us to chance it. We only used it here because this is really important (and we could always just attack at another time; it's not like they can always group together, not without giving up all of the gang's territory and prestige).

As such, our main use of that power is to 'potentially' (like Taylor is going to be wrong about this) block precogs like the Simurgh (since powers apparently don't like wasting the energy??), so we always have some pills ready to use at any opportunity. And occasionally, just at random (it just works?).

Also, another problem with the power is that we don't actually know what is included in the percentage (the visions the power gives are completely incomprehensible to us). For example, did our success include us using Coil's power (something we don't use often as pills only last for a few minutes, making proper use rather expensive, not to mention how the power resets every time we take another pill, so we can't even extend that time)?

And speaking of coil, his power works suspiciously well as a pill, something Taylor was glad was 'confirmed.' Which, haa. She really has a ridiculous amount of secrets.

(I wish she'd trust us more)

Anyway, Kaiser and the E88. Since he is on the stage, it's time to start my attack.

Which should be rather straightforward, given that I already have various bugs on everybody present, many of which are currently disabling everyone's weapons.

And while we were pretty worried that Cricket might notice what we were doing (enough to use Coil's power), a combination of Tinker Tech, powered bugs, our caution, and the fact that we're just using 'bugs,' seems to have allowed us to keep everything hidden from her notice.

That makes things much easier. It could have gotten pretty messy if she'd raised the alarm. So, I started off with one of our standard plans.

Most noticeably was my suddenly activating our specially made (just like basically everything else we use) flashbugs (Taylor really needs a better naming sense, not that I can really talk...), followed by a wave of smokebugs (case in point), as sight is but one of my many senses (and surprisingly, often the least useful), and not letting anyone know about the bugs (especially the bio-engineered ones) is fairly important.

…Not that it really mattered since I'd already planted at least one Stun-Bug™ (not actually, but Taylor always includes that since she finds it funny) on every person in attendance and had them strike at the same time as I was doing everything else (all that was just for anyone that wasn't instantly taken down).

After that, the rest of my swarm was free to tie them all up.

Oh, as a reminder: all our creations are unable to survive long without our explicit support, as most of the new abilities we gave them are either effectively useless to them while demanding far too many resources to maintain, or don't change the bug's place in nature too much. They wouldn't be able to survive well enough in the wild to actually cause any direct ecological problems.

Anyway, at the same time I was doing all of that, I was also attacking the parahumans.

Of which Krieg, the 'tryhard' (that got a laugh from Dad), was our main priority, as his power is almost a perfect counter to most bugs, doubly so if his gas mask and stuff work like the actual items they're based on, being effectively a WWII hazmat suit.

Which happened to be the case. Haa, of course he would be that paranoid. That does complicate things, but we already had plans for that possibility.

So, a bit before I activated the flashbugs, I covered his gas mask's filter with various bugs and sealed it with some gluebugs (...) to fill it with carbon dioxide. This should force him to either take it off or pass out, both of which would work for our purposes. I also had other bugs ready to chew and dissolve their way through his outfit in discrete locations, just in case that failed.

Which just so happened to be the case; despite being blind and deaf, surrounded by fog and his allies, and suffocating from CO2, he not only didn't he take his mask off, he didn't even pass out, instead activating his power, risking the lives of everyone around him, and forcing me to escalate.

Luckily, despite not being able to breathe under Krieg's power, my bugs lasted long enough to pierce through his outfit and dose him with enough of our concoction (that does work through skin contact, just with drastically reduced effectiveness) to take him down, so I didn't need to do (or bring out) anything truly drastic.

Even if I did need to give him some antidote afterwards...

Anyway, the next priority on our list were the valkyrie twins, as we need to take them out before they use their powers, but not because we're worried about countering them this time. No, their ability to grow bigger, and then shrink back to normal size, could be problematic given how much venom it would likely take to incapacitate someone of that large.

It's apparently (according to Taylor) not super likely to be a problem since powers don't, usually (and isn't that just horrifying to think about), want to kill their 'host,' but as we have no way to confirm that (at least morally), it's best to be cautious, just in case.

Fortunately, I was able to sedate them just like everyone else, so none of our backup plans were necessary.

Which left the only other real threats as Hooky's crew (you know, Taylor's mocking way of referring to everyone is oddly making this whole thing a lot less stressful).

Of them, our main worry was Cricket, since not only could she have potentially found out about our ambush before we were truly ready, but her sonic disruption thing might mess with my control and precision, which might affect our other plans.

Not super likely, admittedly, but it's best to be cautious, especially when you can focus on as many things as I can. The Bay needs nothing less than our best, after all.

Still, all that worry was unnecessary, as she was also instantly taken out by a stunbug, just like everyone else.

The next member of their little club, Stormtiger, was a problem because his aerokinesis can make getting bugs and stuff on him quite difficult, but that only applies when he is actively creating a shield. So, as he currently wasn't, another stunbug finished the job, making all of our other preparations worthless. Again.

And finally, there was Hooky himself, who was, of course, made of metal. And to directly pierce that metal shell, we'd have to bring out some heavy hitters, which would be problematic as they're quite obviously bioengineered even at a glance.

And, you know, most everything that can do that would be extremely dangerous to the squishy flesh that lays underneath.

So instead I had bugs invade his every orifice (As Taylor said, we have to get to his flesh somehow). Every, single, one. Simultaneously, in as large quantities as I physically could.

His screams were delicious.

Ah, that was therapeutic.

Though Taylor's flat stare at my enjoyment made me embarrassed (he deserved it, though, considering what he's done to others).

Ahem, anyway, of the rest, Victor, Othala, Rune, and even Kaiser were all taken down the same way the rest of the mob were, stunbugs.

Then there was Crusader, who could have been an issue as his power is a surprisingly effective counter to mine, if he could completely cover himself with it.

Which he can't. And even if he could, it would not have made a difference, as I was able to subdue him before he could summon even a single 'ghost'. In retaliation, at least, as he had a few summons flying around to increase morale or something.

Only Alabaster needed anything special to be done, and all that amounted to was repeatedly tranking him while making sure he couldn't see what I was doing until I could tie him up like the rest of his gang.

Which, once done, was that. The Empire Eighty-Eight has effectively been taken down. A gang that has been plaguing Brockton Bay for decades, destroyed in a single night.

Haa, Taylor was right; fighting properly is boring.

It's really effective, though!

Ah, I can't wait to deal with the rest of the villains as well. And the rest of the E88, since, as Taylor absolutely freaked out about earlier, they have over a thousand members. A majority of whom are still currently free, on account of not having committed any crimes in the past few days.

But we'll get them soon enough. If they don't do the smart thing and stop committing crimes, that is.

Anyway, since all I had to do here was organize the gang members, display the parahumans (including Victor, albeit subtly), and clear away any potential evidence, I redirected most of my attention back to Lung.

Or more specifically, the gang members he summoned as he didn't head out alone, as well as his other parahumans.

Who I have already tranked.

Once again, Taylor was right: having Hives that can produce a decent majority of our useful bugs in vast quantities spread throughout the city makes dealing with mundane criminals more of a simple chore than anything difficult. Just one stunbug (with an epibug and such nearby just in case) and they're out.

And, of course, as Taylor said, that also applies to most parahumans, Oni Lee and Bomb-bomb (Taylor and her stupid nicknames strike again) included.

Speaking of Bomb-bomb, she actually did have some bombs, having been brought with her from her previous residence, which explains why I didn't notice.

Though that does mean I'm going to have to go through people's stuff now, doesn't it? Haa, while I'd rather not ignore people's privacy even more than I already am, it'd be even worse to have them affected by some horrific Tinkertech like what she brought...

Anyway, now that we have her, we need to 'deal' with her.

And Taylor has a specific goal in mind for that.

Still, excluding that whole situation, this entire 'battle' has been insultingly easy. I destroyed this city's two largest gangs in maybe two minutes of 'combat' for fucks sake!

Haa, was this really necessary to wait all that time for?

Did we really need to wait months to do this!?

Chapter Text

"I should not have said anything."

After sitting around in shock for who knows how long, that was all I could say. And it was true! If I hadn't said anything, I would still be at home, chilling at my computer reading fanfiction.

But nooo, I just had to say something, didn't I?

"Haaa…" I sighed as I shifted uncomfortably against the wall I had all but collapsed against. I just, what else am I supposed to do!? I'm struggling enough trying not to have a panic attack as it is, okay!? How can I possibly focus on anything else! Much less calmly or coherently!

"Okay, okay, just, I need to just, breathe, I need to breathe in and out… In… and out… In… and, and out…" I said out loud, talking to myself and only myself while the occasional passerby gave me weird looks.

"Okay, that's, that's better. Kinda. A little bit. Not much, but, enough, yeah?" I eventually say, once again, to myself, after way too long, just breathing in order to calm myself down. All while staring at the ground to avoid looking at the very foreign city surrounding me, of course.

Well, it's not completely foreign, I reluctantly admit as I look at what I presume is a tag for the E88 on the opposite wall of the alleyway I'm sitting at the entrance of. Because of course I'm in Nazi territory; why wouldn't I be?

"Haa, just, what is this!?" I grumbled in frustration while forcing myself to not shout and attract even more attention. "Like, why? Why Brockton (a FICTIONAL city)? And why me?" I continued to rant, once again losing my almost calm.

Eventually, I calmed down enough to actually start thinking somewhat coherently (I hope).

"Okay, so, I, haa, I… have been." Wait, let's not talk aloud about my sudden relocation to a fictional (emphasized because it's important, dang it!) world. I mean, the people around me already have enough to write me off as is, no need to be off enough to attract the wrong type of attention.

"Haa, what is my life…" I whispered to myself, as if that would help anything!

Calm down; I need to calm down, and just, breathe… Okay, so, what happened? Well, what I know at least. So, I appear to have been kidnapped from my home and inserted into the fictional world of Brockton Bay. Or, well, Worm. Same thing, more or less... Anyway, I am now here. How do I know this? Well, other than the obvious gang sign, there's the fact that I can see the stupid tanker blocking the bay!

So, ignoring whether I'm in canon, fanon, or something else entirely for now because I highly doubt I can think myself an answer that isn't completely deranged, and, you know, I don't want to be out and about once night eventually hits in this accursed hellhole of a city. So yeah, no more hour-long tangents, just nice, calm, focus.

Okay, so, next thing. I have a power... YAY! I'm definitely not sarcastic and totally love having an alien parasite implanted into my brain. And it is a parasite, as it will likely drive me to conflict, which injures, and sometimes kills, a good portion of those that happen to participate, all so it can ineffectually try to solve entropy in one of the most braindeadilly ineffective ways physically possible. Which I would say is detrimental to my continued health and well-being. So yeah, a parasite, not a symbiote.

Haa, didn't I say no more rants? Anyways, yeah, I have a power. And, I think I even know what it is! Because, well, that's probably why I'm here. You see, while reading my gazillionth fanfiction (a CYOA power fantasy self-insert, don't judge me), I commented, out loud cuz I have a crippling case of the dumb, that the solution to winning Worm is oh so simple. See, all you need to do is choose this one, cheap, trump power, don't become a blindspot, and wait until the person you need to use it on shows up. Easy, brainless—even a child, nay, a toddler, could accomplish it.

THAT WAS NOT ME VOLUNTEERING you stupid piece of-

I'm getting off track. Again. Okay, so, what was this power I hear you asking? Not literally, of course, as I am not crazy. I hope… Unless you count my passenger?

Ahem, anyway, it's quite simple, I, uh, see? A parahuman (it never described how to activate the power in the description...) and then I Scramble their power's expression. Meaning, I can do things like turn shaker powers into strikers or change pan-pan into a changer. Which would hopefully help with the poor girl's stress. However, I can't actually control what the power changes to, or even if the same change happens every time, which might, just maybe, ruin my whole idea.

Also, the changes are temporary. Unless I got the upgrade, of course. Which I doubt because the whole point was that this was the cheapest way to guarantee victory.

Haa. Why couldn't I have just done the normal thing and asked for infinite, undeserved power? It would be so much easier. And more useful in my current situation, as without a parahuman to affect, I am just an aver- er, well, let's be honest, a below-average human.

I am so going to die...

Nope! No bad thoughts. Never give up, never surrender; there is a chance that I might survive!

Maybe.

It's not like I have anything else to do...

Anyway, the plan was, and might still be (though I'm starting to get nervous), to use my power on the fedora, swap it so that she can, like, only see blindspots or something, find path, do path, victory! So yeah, nice, easy, and simple. So simple that a normal person could easily accomplish this without even realizing that they did, hence the toddler. Which being would actually pay for the power, now that I think about it. Not that I can check anymore.

Ha. So yeah, that's my plan, that I said out loud, that got me here, in good ol' Brockton Bay… I want to cry.

Well, at least all I have to do is wait.

And wait.

…and wait.

And try not to cry as your whole life was ruined as a joke.

Cry.

And then wait some more.

…

I'm starting to think my plan failed…

Cuz, like, it's almost noon now, and, well, it was morning when I woke up. I think. So yeah, I probably failed. Unless she's just busy? I mean, I would think that a potential solution to all of your problems would be pretty important, but what do I know? Nothing, hence why I'm here.

Haa, well, I guess this isn't actually urgent or anything. It's not like I'm doing anything after all.

Whatever, she can find me if she wants to use my power; in the meantime, I might as well get up and explore or something. It's not like I have anything else to do. And! All that moping around has done wonders for my mental state! Why, I don't even feel like crying anymore!

…Much, I don't feel like crying much.

Anyway, let's get up and explore this new city I've found myself in. Or, well, the safer parts. Or what looks safe anyway. So, after getting up, my first choice was to check out the alleyway I'd found myself in, as I didn't actually have those back home.

Or that was the plan. For, as soon as I turned around, I immediately saw someone else waiting in the alley. Though, after only a brief pause in shock, I couldn't help but smile as I realized who she was.

"Contessa!" I cheered in joy, surprising the normally stoic woman. I then couldn't stop myself from walking over and giving her a hug. "It's so good to see you!" I continued with more affection than I thought I could actually project. I then backed up while leaving my arms on her shoulders to get a proper look at her.

And, well, she looked exactly like I expected, though a bit more confused than normal. "What took you so long? I was starting to get worried." I eventually asked.

That, finally, awakened her from her shock. "I was in a meeting."

"Ah, that makes sense," I answered while nodding. "So, shall I use my power now?"

Contessa once again blinked in confusion. A rarity, especially for it to happen twice, unless her path was acting weird, of course. Though I don't know why it would bother, considering all she had to do was pop up and ask.

Eventually, she decided to actually participate in the conversation. "How do you know why I'm here?"

"Simple. Why else would you be here?" I answered as if it was obvious. And, well, it kinda was. "So, shall I?" I asked again.

Contessa blankly nodded, so I went to work. Though work is a strong word for how easy using my power was. Just a thought and I was done. Now came the part I was worrying about. Did, it, work. Was my life ruined for absolutely no reason other than to win a nonexistent argument? Or, was my (unwilling) sacrifice actually sorta worth it? I mean, it should work, as, like, what other option is there for her power to even change to? She already has access to most of the breadth of her shard, right? And my power specifically doesn't affect depth (not that she needs it, considering she has most of that as well…), so there should really only be one option.

Sadly, being sure of my logic didn't stop my nervousness. So, it was with bated breath that I asked. "Did it work?"

"Yes." She answered. Short, simple, and to the point. Despite that, I couldn't help but feel relieved as I slumped against the wall, releasing most of the tension I'd built up.

Well, it turns out I was right, more or less; you don't need an expensive power to win.

Though, thinking about it, does this really count? Like, yeah, it was quite cheap, but in the end, it was the author who decided the prices, not some unbiased God.

Eh, still weaker than what most people picked, so I'll count this as a win, a nice B rating. Fairly decent, but not perfect.

Now if only it didn't cost me literally everything!!!

…

Maybe Big C will pay me for my assistance?

Not to say that would make it worth it or anything, but at least then I'd get something out of this tragedy.

Now, how to- oh, she's still here. Cool.

"Whatcha doin?" I asked in confusion, cuz seriously, why is she still here? Is she just looking through her new paths? Hmm, I guess that makes sense; there's probably a lot to go through.

"Waiting to get you situated."

I blinked in surprise. "Oh, thank you," I responded blankly. "I didn't think you would. I thought you'd have more important things to do, though."

She gave me a weird look as if I said something strange. "There are very few things more important than protecting you."

"Really? Why's that?"

"Your power is temporary." She deadpanned.

"Ah, right." I forgot about that. "Shall we head out then?"

"We shall." She agreed before calling for a portal.

I barely hesitated before following.

Chapter Text

It was nearing noon when I exited the dungeon. Huh, I’m earlier than I expected. Hmm, maybe I’ll be able to join Hestia for lunch. That’d be nice.

That would apparently have to wait, however, as when I returned to our ‘house’ there was an odd surprise waiting for me.

Specifically, there was a white-haired child sitting on our couch. Or a pallum, I guess; I’m not familiar enough with the race to really tell yet, especially at a glance.

Still, what they are doesn’t really matter at the moment; only that they are a stranger, and are currently inside my home.

Though, while I do need to know why they’re here, needlessly antagonizing them won't accomplish anything, so I simply asked.“Who are you?”

“Ah!” He, since it’s clear now that he’s a boy, jumped in surprise at my sudden question. Well, that clears up whether he’s a threat since I wasn’t exactly being quiet, at least no more than I usually am. Hard to change habits when they help keep you alive, after all. “Ahem, I am Bell Cranel.” He answered nervously. “Hestia-sama invited me to join her familia.”

Huh, I didn’t expect that scenario. I should have, considering it’s the most likely reason since we live at Hephaestus’ place so breaking in would be, well, really stupid.

So, “Huh, cool.” I nodded in acceptance. “Welcome to the family. I’m Silvia, the designated biggest sister, the big sister.” I smiled, patting him on the head, causing him to blush.

“Ah, n-nice to meet you!” Ah, isn’t he cute.

“Nice to meet you too, little brother.” He blushed even further, almost matching the color of my hair if it were a few shades darker instead of its oddly vibrant pink.

“Br-brother!?” He shouted in shock. Man, I’m going to enjoy teasing him.

“Of course, what else would you be?” I asked, moderately seriously. I am open to changing the specifics, though, just as long as “We’re family, after all.”

“But isn’t a familia different from a family?”

“For most Gods.” I allow. “But Hestia is the Goddess of the hearth, home, and family. That’s why she descended, to get the family she couldn’t have in heaven.”

“Ah.” Heh, once again my flawless logic is undefeatable!

“Right. As such, it is our solemn duty to be a family for her.”

“Understood, Big Sis!” Nice, with his agreement, Hestia can’t complain about my idea anymore.

“Anyway, that’s basically the only requirement of the familia: treat it like a family. Everything else is for you to decide for yourself. So you don’t have to be an adventurer if you don’t want to.”

“Oh!?” He exclaimed in confusion. “But, what if I wanted to?” He asked nervously.

“Then do so?” I shrugged. “It would be pretty hypocritical to stop you when I’m an adventurer myself, after all. I just ask that you be careful.”

“I will.” He promised. Good.

Before I could continue, Hestia returned.

Soon enough, Hestia returned. “Oh, you’re home early, Silvia. Welcome back!” She greeted with a smile. She was wearing the same uniform most clerks wear, courtesy of being Hephaestus’ primary sales girl, part of our deal for staying here.

Something Hestia herself insisted on doing, for some reason. Yeah, the pay’s great, and not needing to pay for our temp housing is even better, but I doubt that’s the reason. I think not having a proper home is bugging her.

It is her domain, after all.

Anyway, “Welcome back, Hestia. I see you decided to give me a little brother.”

“Pfft, whhhat!?”

“Yeah, Mom,” I teased, presenting Bell to her. “My new little brother.”

Hestia was flustered at the implication, but somehow regained control quite quickly. “Yes, I know about Bell; I was the one that brought him here!” She finished with a pout.

Hmm, since my teasing wasn’t working as well as I thought it would, it’s time for my next plan. “Oh, by the way, since you’re part of the family, we need to get you a ribbon,” I informed Bell, embarrassing Hestia when she realized what I was talking about.

“What do you mean I need a ribbon?”

I smiled, before grabbing Hestia's ribbon to demonstrate. “A ribbon.” I declared proudly.

Bell flushed gloriously at my actions, eyes glued to the ‘ribbon’ I shifted.

“W-w-why!?” He stuttered fiercely.

“How else is anyone supposed to know whose familia you are a part of?”

Huh, he can become even more flustered. Cute. “I’m not a girl, though…”

“That doesn’t matter.” I ‘cruelly’ denied. “The whole family must have a blue ribbon on their person at all times. It’s tradition.

“It’s not tradition!” Hestia fiercely refused.

“Of course it is.” I smiled. “Once is a novelty, twice is tradition,” I explained. And, because Hestia can tell when you’re lying, she knows I’m telling the truth!

Anyway, I’m the one in charge of our finances; if I say we’re buying ribbons, ribbons we will buy!

Not that I wouldn’t just buy them with my own money if that weren’t the case.

Anyway, I was already prepared for this eventuality, so I quickly grabbed the box from the broom closet and set it on the table.

“Silvia,” Hestia asked hesitantly. ”What is that?” her voice filled with dread.

“This,” I patted the box, “is a box.” I smiled grandly.

“Amazing,” she deadpanned.

“Of Ribbons!”

“Why do you have a box of ribbons?” She asked, resigned to her fate.

“So that the whole family can always have a ribbon, even should it somehow be lost, burned, stolen, cut, hidden, dirtied, forgotten, shredded, knotted, faded, eaten, dissolved, soaked, dyed, frayed, stained, tattered, or whatnot.”

Hestia just stared at me in shock, her jaw dropping further and further towards the floor with every word. “You’re serious…” She shook herself out of her stupor. “You’re really serious about this.”

Eh, not really; I just find it funny. But for my entertainment, I’m willing to go through some decent hoops, so, “Yes, I am.” And so that’s the truth.

She reluctantly allowed it with a sigh. “Fine, everyone will wear a ribbon like me.” She then turned to Bell, who was sporting a marvelous stunned deer expression. “Come on, Bell, we might as well get this over with.”

“But, wha??”

“Sadly, I’ve never been able to get Silvia to change her mind once she’s decided on something.” She pouted. Hey, just because I agreed with Hephaestus about not letting you laze about doesn’t mean I’m some super stubborn thug! “So come on, let's figure out some way to fit this ribbon on you.” Hestia leads after grabbing a blue ribbon.

“Y-yes, Hestia-sama.” Bell followed with some reluctance.

I’m glad I was able to get them to agree, even if with some reluctance.

Now, did they realize that I don’t intend for our family to wear the ribbons the exact same way as Hestia?

…

No, they didn’t!

I couldn’t help but laugh as they came back.

“Mou, why are you laughing?” Bell pouted.

“I’m sorry, Bell, but that looks ridiculous.”

“I told you…”

“Silvia Forest.” Uh oh, that’s her disappointed voice. Also, orphanage, what the fuck? Who gives a fucking Elf the last name Forest!? “It’s not nice to make fun of your family, especially for something you told them to do!”

“I’m not.” I pouted.

“Then what happened?” She gestured frantically.

“I don’t know.” I answered truthfully, giving her pause, “Like, where did you get the idea for him to wear a ribbon like that? I don’t use any of my ribbons as a bra, after all.” I explain with a pointed look, causing her to flush.

“Eh heh.” She mumbled while studiously ignoring Bell’s incredulous look.

“What did you mean, then?” Bell asked me once he realized Hestia was going to keep avoiding him.

I shrugged. “Whatever you want.” I then gestured to my ribbons. “I have one as a bowtie-like thing around my neck, matching Hestia, two around my arms, vaguely like Hestia, and one to tie up my hair, since it’s practical,” I explained. “Since I’m the head of the family, I decided that I should have more than standard, but I only ask that you have one and that it’s at least somewhat noticeable.”

“Oh!” He smiled, cheer returning to his being. “That’s a lovely idea!” I smiled in thanks.

“Mou, why didn’t you explain that…” Hestia complained.

“You didn’t give me the chance to.” I shrugged. And I actually was going to too.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t prefer what happened instead, however.

“Anyway,” I shifted, deciding it was time to be serious. ”You said earlier that you wanted to become an adventurer; why?”

“Um,” he hesitated. “Does the why really matter?”

“The reason doesn’t technically matter, but as your big sister, it means the world to me,” I smirked. “Okay, that bit of exaggeration aside, I’m serious about it being important to us. And don’t worry about it not being, well, as most would expect, it’s not like I have some grand reason myself.”

“Really? What’s your reason then?”

“It’s fun,” I answered simply, shocking Bell and causing Hestia to sigh. Again.

“That’s, that’s it!?”

“Yup.” I shrugged.

“Oh…”

“Hmm? And what’s your oh-so-mighty reason then?” I teased. Fame, fortune, power, to be a hero? What is it going to be, lil bro?

He mumbled something, his face flushing gloriously.

“What was that?”

“I want a harem!” He shouted, face fully scarlet, causing Hestia and I to stare at him in surprise.

Haa, never mind; it’s girls, the most pubescent boy motivation possible…

“And you were judging me despite being- having the most pubescent boy dream possible?” I quickly shifted what I was specifically saying, not wanting to be quite so… hostile.

It’s just, harems are a bit of a pet peeve of mine, mainly because of how those who want them usually treat women, but even the concept itself irritates me.

“Be nice to your family!” Hestia shouted in disapproval. “You’re supposed to help them!”

“I am.” I denied. “By trying to make them the best versions of themselves they can be! Family doesn’t just stand aside, or worse, support their members’ bad habits, no! They bring them UP! Even if it’s harsh, it must be done, as to do otherwise is a gross disservice, absolute cowardice!” I argued. “As such, I must understand what’s going on! And in the end, should he still want a harem for some insane reason, at least he will be better equipped and informed of what that actually entails, instead of blindly following some baseless fantasy!”

Hestia was predictably stunned at my impassioned argument, but, realizing that this was a bit personal, let it go.

Bell, who was just staring in shock during this, flinched when I turned my attention to him. “So? Why do you even want a harem?”

“Grandpa told me it was the best way to get what I want.”

“How, exactly?” I demanded. I will fix this!

“He said that having a harem was the best way to get a big family,” I paused.

“… I mean, that technically can work, but your grandfather obviously has a sad view of family if that’s his suggestion on how to get one. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was always alone and just tried seducing women in a futile attempt to fill the unceasing void that is his pathetic excuse for a heart.”

“What?” I asked upon seeing their shocked faces. “Just because I never had a ‘proper’ family doesn’t mean I don’t know what one is!” In fact, that probably means I have a better idea than most, considering how much psychopaths tend to understand empathy despite not having any.

“Ignoring my rude family member,” “Hey!” “She brings up a good point. Who is your grandfather? What was he like?” She asked. “Knowing that will help us tell you how good any of his, so far questionable, advice is.”

______

“Zeus,” Hestia spoke in realization. “Your grandfather was Zeus.”

“Yeah, that explains the poor advice.” I sighed. “Well, at least now we know so we can start fixing whatever nonsense he taught Bell.”

“Uhh, is it really that bad?”

“Probably not.” Hestia comforted. “He was quite successful, after all, but he was less known for having a family and more for tearing them apart…”

“Oh…”

“B-but don’t worry! I, as the Goddess of family, am on your side! With my help, getting a wonderful, dream-like family will be a piece of cake!”

“Th-thank you.” Bell cried in thanks.

Well, if your goal is to have a family, you can’t ask for a better ally than the literal Goddess of them.

Chapter Text

Sadly, Hestia had to return to work, so she left soon after.

As such, it’s time to be a proper big sister and help my little brother out.

“So, you want to become an adventurer,” I said after Hestia returned to her work. “Even if it won’t actually help you with your dream?

“Yes!” He declared. “I still want to be a hero, Big Sis!”

“Okay.” I accepted. “Then how do you want to fight?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, do you want to keep using daggers? Or do you have something else planned? Maybe you just want to try some out first before deciding?” I mused.

“Um, why?” he asked nervously.

“I’m trying to get an idea of what to teach you.”

“Oh! Uh, I don’t know; I’ve not had much experience with anything but knives and a sling…” He answered honestly but weakly.

I smiled comfortingly. “Don’t worry. We can figure that out later. For now, I guess I should just teach you how to use that knife; they make useful backups even if you decide to specialize in something else.” I explained as I led him to our training area, before pausing in realization. “Oh, I’m getting ahead of myself; first I need to see what you can do.”

“Yes, Big Sister!”

______

Well, he could be worse?

Okay, if I’m being completely honest, he’s not that bad, considering how good his instincts are, but he’s obviously a novice with that knife. He, considering the skill level of the average new adventurer, could more or less be trusted to survive the first few floors of the dungeon on his own, though. Should he be suitably cautious and listen to what he’s taught by the guild, that is, but he could.

That, of course, is not nearly enough for me. I will not settle for decent, not when there’s a chance that my family will be hurt. No, I will make sure they’re good enough to not only survive, but thrive!

As such, the first thing I will teach him is how to box. Not only does it teach you how to take a hit and properly use your body to hit, but it can fairly easily be adapted to a simple knife-fighting technique.

Adding to its usefulness is how with padded gloves we can potentially spar for hours all without any risk of major injury, something particularly useful for training a novice.

He was still a bit beat up by the time Hestia returned for dinner, though (sorry, Bell, I forgot how weak people are).

“Silvia, Bell, I’m home!”

“Welcome back!” I called back.

“Ha, welcome back, ha, Hestia-sama!” Bell followed after only a brief pause to catch his breath. Huh, he’s got some decent stamina.

“Well, Bell, that’s all for today.” I declare as I start packing up.

“Understood, Big Sis.” He smiled. “Thank you for teaching me.”

“Any time, lil bro.”

…

“So, what have you two been up to?” Hestia asked as she started preparing a potato-themed dinner. With how often she uses them, I wouldn’t be surprised if she wanted to add potatoes to her divine portfolio.

Not that I’m complaining; potatoes are quite nutritious, and she’s a fantastic chef. Doesn’t mean it’s not a bit odd, though.

“Big Sis has been teaching me how to box!”

“Oh, and how’s he doing?”

“Surprisingly well.” I complimented. “He has good instincts and learns quickly. With some work, I can see him becoming a fine adventurer.” I then looked her in the eyes. “You choose well, as expected of the Goddess of family.” I teased, making her sigh.

“Thank you, Big Sis, I won’t let you down!” Bell promised, not noticing our interaction.

Leaving Hestia a smirk, I nodded to Bell. “I’ll hold you to that.”

…

“Oh, by the way, have you already registered Bell as an adventurer?” I remembered after we’d eaten.

“Yeah, I did that yesterday.”

“Good job.” I praised while patting her head.

“Mou, I’m more than capable of doing stuff like that!” Hestia pouted.

I just smiled as I remembered everything we had to do to make her become a productive member of society.

Something she noticed: “Mou, why’s my family so mean to me...”

“Aww, don’t be sad, Hestia; you know I love you.” I comforted as I gave her a big hug. “Even if you can be a bit lazy and clumsy.”

Sticking out her tongue with a playful glare was her only response.

______

The rest of the weekend was mostly filled with more training and the basics of getting to know each other.

Something helped by the fact we live on Hephaestus’ property since the smith familia has plenty of random weapons we can practice with to give Bell an idea about what he wants (with permission, of course).

As such, Bell has acquired a basic understanding of most weapons, enough to know how to use them, but not enough to even consider him properly competent. He did progress faster than I expected him to, though, so it seems that Hestia has once again proven to be the best Goddess with her innate ability to find talented people to join our family.

As expected of the Goddess of family(a).

Alas, further training will have to wait as it is now Monday, which means it’s not only time for me to return to the dungeon, but it’s time for Bell’s lessons with his guild adviser.

Which… I forgot to ask who he had…

Oh well, I’m about to find out anyway, since I’m dropping Bell off at the guild like a proper big sister (and, you know, the guild is all but directly between us and the dungeon, not that I wouldn’t go with him if it wasn’t).

Getting there, I was pleasantly surprised that Bell had the same adviser I had, Eina Tulle. While a bit of an annoying perfectionist (something I completely understand now), she is probably the best adviser I could’ve asked for.

“Hello, Silvia, what brings you to the guild this early?” Eina asked as soon as she saw me.

“Eh, you know Eina-san, Big Sis!?”

“Of course I do; she was my adviser when I first started out.”

“Ehh, that’s amazing!”

“It is, considering she is the only person that has fully completed my course.” She then gave a pointed look to Bell. “So far.”

“Eh heh, I’ll do my best, Eina-san.” He chuckled nervously.

“I’m certain you will since I highly doubt Silvia will accept anything less from a member of her familia.” She promised with a smile.

For some odd reason, Bell shivered at that.

Oh well, not my problem.

So, with that taken care of, off to the dungeon I go!

Hmm, I wonder if I can find anyone who will let me join them down to Rivira? It’s always interesting to meet the adventurers here, after all.

Eh, if not (which is fairly likely), I’ll just lurk around the middle floors like usual.

…

Huh, I actually was able to find a group to join. Cool.

Well, they’re specifically challenging the Goliath in an attempt to Level Up, but they’re going to be stopping at Rivira afterwards, so it counts.

Yay, Overgrowth, my, currently only, spell, and the reason I’m allowed on this trip. It summons (or grows, should I use it on actual plants, giving better effects at lower costs) thorn-covered vines and the like that drink the life and blood from my enemies to not only fuel and empower itself but also transfer excess lifeforce to people (and things) to heal them.

Something that is extremely valuable, as you can imagine. Especially since the draining effect also works on corpses, giving me not only more energy but an easy and quick way to harvest magic stones.

And that’s without mentioning how good it is for directly training my magic and endurance stats while giving me a safety net to train the others.

A true jack-of-all-trades spell suitable for almost any situation!

Even if it doesn’t truly excel at anything. And isn’t particularly strong...

Eh, healing is stupidly rare outside of potions, so even a limited ability to do so is a massive blessing that’ll save me, and whoever I am with, tons of resources.

Really, the biggest problem I have with the spell has is how much everyone I know complains about how understood it is.

I can’t help it, though! It just performs better when I use, specifically living, plants! So I have to use it before entering the dungeon for maximum efficiency and power since plants aren’t super common inside it (and missing out on all that juicy life force on the way would be such a waste).

The alternative is to literally carry potted plants into the dungeon, which is not only stupid for a myriad of reasons, it also risks people finding out how long my chant is, aka the most dangerous thing someone could find out about it.

Besides, why wouldn’t I always keep my spell active? Again, it has a really long chant that I can more or less ignore by just not turning it off, that doubles as surprisingly decent armor that can even fuel itself!

It’s basically a buff at this point! A buff that not only constantly trains me as I use it, but lets me be far better defended at a fraction of the cost of most armor. And that’s not even mentioning that I can store life force inside of it for later use.

Ahem. Anyway, it’s a really good spell.

One that gets me tons of part-time work as a supporter for decently powerful adventurers and even familias.

Heh, decent money, training, and even trips to Rivira on occasion—what’s not to love about my job?

Well, other than how unlikely it is that it’ll let me Level Up, that is. Like come on, I’ve literally maxed out my magic and endurance, and the rest are alarmingly close to joining them. What more do you want, Gods?

I’ve even killed a minotaur before. Completely on my own!

Yeah, I was only able to fight it alone because of the bet I made with the adventurers I was traveling with, but I did it!

Haa, whatever, it’s only a matter of time. I can wait. Seriously, even if it takes me several more months, I’ll still set a record.

Somehow.

Leveling Up faster than a seven-year-old child doesn’t seem all that impressive, but apparently it is?

Regardless, that’s something to think about later; right now I am helping some random familia march towards Goliath in an attempt to Level Up a few of their members by reducing the amount of supplies they use on the way.

Not by that much, in the grand scheme of things, but, hey, every bit helps.

And if they want to pay me to learn what everyone who cares already knows, who am I to complain?

Not that I expect their hiring of me was some ploy to gain some more info on me; I just choose to believe that those in charge are too smart to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Again, not that it matters, since the best way I’ve found to use my abilities all but requires that I abandon stealth. And why would I sacrifice my growth and health for that?

Anyway, we’re just about there, so let’s see how this familia deals with the Goliath!

______

The battle is not going well. At all.

I mean, it’s not going that bad, but it certainly feels like we’re losing.

Massive casualties tend to do that.

However, the battle line still stands strong, so they haven’t lost. They’re still hemorrhaging healthy fighters at a scary rate, though, even with my help.

Not that I’m doing much... I’m just not powerful enough to change anything, not to mention I’m not a proper healer.

But by Hestia, I am not going to let that stop me!

But sadly, limits are limits, and things only work how they’re supposed to work. I can only create flesh from flesh, not my mind. And there is not flesh for me to take...

…

Or is there?

And so, I did what was quite possibly the dumbest thing I’ve ever done in my life: I attacked the Goliath.

…It didn’t do much, admittedly, since my spell isn’t strong enough to actually hurt a Goliath; the cost of its sheer versatility, no doubt, but it did do something.

And something is far more than what I had before!

And with that tiny morsel of power, of life, I kept my charges alive.

It wasn’t much, and it certainly didn’t change the tide of the battle. But for the few lives I saved, my actions meant the world.

And that’s more than enough for me.

Chapter Text

You know, almost mind-downing isn’t fun... Especially when you’re being yelled at!

All ‘why did you interfere?’ and that I ‘wasn’t going to be paid for my volunteer work’ and so on. Like, he even threatened to charge me for my help!

Stupid vice-captain… At least the actual Captain put a stop to that soon after, but it was quite stressful until then.

After which, he decided to talk to me himself, though, which made me really nervous.

Especially when “What you did was very stupid.” was the first thing he started with!

“It was.” I agreed, of course, because it was, which caused the captain to smile.

“It’s good that you know.” He complimented. “And, unlike what the vice-captain seems to think, my familia owes you.”

“I didn’t help you for a reward.” I denied.

“Yet you will have one. And even if I can’t officially reward you, you have my personal thanks, friend.”

I guess I can accept that.

______

A bit after that, I was able to join them back to the surface, though their reactions to me were much more varied and intent this time. But other than that, the trip was uneventful, so it wasn’t long until I was back at home.

Sadly, no one was here, so I just sat around, and thought.

Thought about what happened, about the whys and hows. I wondered how things could have gone differently, on how I might have changed things…

All of that, and more, occupied me until Hestia finally returned to see me staring off into space on the couch.

Final conclusion: yeah, there wasn’t really anything else I could have done. Not without knowing that was going to happen and preparing accordingly, at least.

“Silvia? It’s rare for you to be home this early.” She questioned upon seeing me.

“Ah, yeah, work was... interesting, this time.”

“Is that so? Well, as long as you’re fine.” She shrugged. “So, since you’re back, shall I update your falna?”

“Might as well.” I shrugged back. Doubt it’s changed much, but you never know. Besides, even a few more points in your stats could be the difference between life and death if you’re unlucky enough.

“Silvia, what did you do?” She asked tensely once she was done.

“...Why?” I asked nervously. What did she find?

“Because you are now Level Two.”

“Ah.” I sighed. “I guess that makes sense.”

“And why is that, dearest Silvia? Hmm?”

Haa, this is going to be like the minotaur all over again…

______

“This is just like the time you fought that stupid minotaur on your own!”

Hey, I was right!

...Crap, I was right.

“Minotaur!?” Bell exclaimed, having arrived sometime during my explanation.

Also, I’m glad I thought ahead for how we’d update our falna; if we’d done it Hestia’s way, I’d have been really embarrassed when he returned.

As Hestia was pouting about being interrupted from her scolding, I decided to tell Bell the story. “Ah, well, a few weeks ago the group of adventurers I was traveling with were talking about some of their exploits, like how well they worked together, being enough to take on a minotaur despite being Level Ones at the time. I, of course, jokingly declared that I could do that on my own.”

“Did they think you were serious or something?” Bell asked in worry.

“Not at all.” I quickly denied. “They knew I was joking, but since they were a bunch of Level Twos and we were on the floor minotaurs spawn at, they figured having me fight one would be a good experience, helping me see what’s to come and the like, ya’ know?”

“I still think that was a foolish risk to take,” Hestia complained.

“As I keep telling you, I wasn’t at any real risk,” I repeated my argument for the umpteenth time. “Anyway, since they liked me well enough and were pretty bored, they got just a singular taur for me to battle, before betting on how long I’d last. I, of course, had previously bet on me killing it, with my loss being to join them for another delve, something I was already planning on doing, but this would be fully on their terms instead of the more simple deal I usually do.”

“Would that be bad?” Bell worried.

“Not at all.” I waved off. “It’d just be more work on my part. The worst I’d have to do is show up on a weekend, something that’d annoy Hestia but wouldn’t be the end of the world.” Hestia rolled her eyes.

“Anyway, with the bets made, the battle began, and... went completely differently than everyone expected.” I hesitated, which only made Bell more excited.

“You see, monsters are surprisingly simple beasts. They tend to act rather similarly to each other, almost as if they were just a bunch of copies. As such, it’s not that hard to predict what one is going to do after a bit of observation, something I make sure to do whenever I’m working as a supporter.” I explained.

Huh, Bell’s taking notes. Good job. I gave an approving smile.

“So, using that information, I set a trap with my spell, a sort of bolas thing to hopefully slow the beast down, as while my stats are, or were, as is the case now, quite high for my level, a minotaur could still outspeed me during a charge, and being faster than your opponent is always good.”

“Just, somehow my plan worked way better than expected, with my vines miraculously completely tangling up its legs and causing it to trip. It then flailed about, further tangling it up while also creating numerous shallow wounds. Which, because my vines specifically drink blood, turned what would normally have been a minor inconvenience into a death sentence. One that took what felt like forever in the frenzy that followed, but still.”

“And yeah, it was a bit more involved than that, with me having to constantly adjust my spell and add more layers to the ‘trap’ and such to keep the minotaur captured while dodging its frantic attacks all while jabbing it with my poleaxe in an oddly complicated dance, but it was still rather underwhelming.” I confessed. “So underwhelming, in fact, that I didn’t even Level Up.”

“Okay, that’s enough of the stupid minotaur; why did you take such a risk against a Goliath of all things!” Hestia demanded as soon as I finished, not even letting Bell respond.

Also, hey, that’s an unfair complaint!

“I didn’t mean to!” I whined. “I just, I couldn’t just sit there and, and just let them die…”

Hestia sighed at my admission, unable to actually argue with me about it. “Fine, just, please, be careful; I don’t want to lose you.”

“I’ll be careful, I promise.” I declared sincerely. I don’t plan on ending up in any particularly dangerous situations like that again anyway.

What sort of street rat would I be to do otherwise?

“So,” I shifted, “What all changed with my new level? I’m told people tend to unlock a developmental ability or two to choose from.”

“Yes, you did unlock some to choose from as well.” As well? “You also got your second spell-”

“I did!!” I cut her off in excitement. “What is it! Let me see!” I demanded as I all but tackled Hestia.

“Here, take it!” She offered in panic, obviously surprised at my excitement.

Let's see, let’s see! What did I get!

“OOh, awesome!” I cheered.

Hestia rolled her eyes at my joy, but played along. “So, what’d you get?”

“Okay, so, my spell, it’s called Elysium Field, and it summons, well, let me just show you.” I decided instead of just describing it.

“H-here? Is that safe?” Bell worried. A rather reasonable concern, if not for the fact that even adventurers are too sane to just randomly start casting magic. Especially indoors.

Mostly.

“Of course!” Annoyingly, he ignored me and turned to Hestia for answers.

When did Hestia become the responsible one in his head??

“It’s safe; don’t worry, Bell.” She gave me a smug look while answering.

“Hmpt” Anyway, time to cast my new spell… which also has a long chant!!

Haa, whatever, I guess. Not like it’s any different from my other spell...

Anyway, once cast, the room was filled with a gentle rain of ethereal petals of pure magic that flowrd leisurely about before shattering beautifully upon any physical interaction with the material world.

“Beautiful.” Bell complimented. “What does it do?”

“It heals.” I smiled grandly. “Everything.”

“Everything?”

“Yup! Not only does it heal wounds, but it also increases stamina recovery, cures various ailments, and even restores mind!” I cheered.

“What!!” Hestia screamed in shock. “How do you keep getting these super powerful spells!” She ‘complained’ while shaking me.

“It’s because you are the best goddess,” I promised, flustering her with my sincerity. “After all, it’s literally part of your divine domain!”

“Arg, you’re still going on about that?”

“Of course!” I insisted. “How could I not with all the evidence supporting it?”

“There is no evidence!” Hestia lied. “Don’t you give me that look! I’m telling the truth.” I rolled my eyes but decided to stop teasing her.

For now. She’ll realize the truth someday, though.

Anyway, I realized something, so with an “Oh!” I suddenly gave Hestia a big hug, then gave Bell one as well, before deciding that a group hug was best!

“Um, not that I’m complaining, but what brought this on?”

“A new tradition: group hugs after good things!”

“That, uh, actually, that sounds pretty good. I approve.”

Releasing the hug, it was time to move on. And while my new spell is amazing, I have all the time in the world to mess around with it. Right now, I need to look at my potential development abilities.

“Let’s see… First, there’s abnormal resistance, which is pretty normal to get.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, it just requires being exposed to some status effect, like the purple moth’s.”

“Ah.”

“A lot of people purposely get exposed to it for that very reason,” I explained. “Something you’re only allowed to do under my watch,” I demanded.

“Of course, Big Sis!” Bell agreed.

“Anyway, what’s next? Mage!? Huh, well, I guess I know what I’m getting. Still, might as well check the rest... Lifesteal? What’s that?”

“Ah, that’s a rare ability that heals you for a portion of the damage you inflict,” Hestia explained.

“Huh, that could be useful, but Overgrowth already does that. Maybe for a later level.” I shrugged. Cool, especially for others, but not particularly useful to me, oddly enough. “What’s next? Holy… I got mystery…” I uttered in awe.

“What!?” Hestia shouted.

“...You didn’t look??” I questioned, still in shock.

“I was too busy being angry that you did something to Level Up! And after that, I was distracted by your new spell!”

Before we could continue, Bell interrupted. “Uhh, guys, what’s so strange about getting mystery?”

“Ah, right, it’s a super rare ability that effectively allows you to create the impossible using miracles. It is also only held by like five people in the city currently.”

Which, haa... Getting both a healing spell and mystery... The world apparently wants me to become the next Airmid Teasanare or something.

“Okay, that has to be it, right? What else could I even have? Treatment? What even is that?”

“It improves the effectiveness of any healing you do.”

“Ah, that’s pretty neat. Not mystery good, but certainly something I could see myself getting later.”

“I take it you’ve already decided what to get.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty easy to choose when one option’s just so much better than the rest.”

“True. I just wish it didn’t dramatically increase your value. She sighed ruefully, slumping into the couch.

“Yeah, but sadly there’s nothing I can really do about that. We just have to deal with it as best we can.” Disappointing as that is...

We just sat there for a bit comprehending what I got before I remembered something really important I’d forgotten about. "Wait. Oh no…”

“What’s wrong?”

“I forgot that me Leveling up like this means I now hold the record.”

Hestia slumped further into the couch with an aggrieved sigh at the reminder.

“Isn’t that a good thing, though?” Bell, oh so innocently asked.

“Not, at, all. Not only is it attention-grabbing and public, it shows that I’m valuable. People will want me, Gods will want me, and we don’t have any way of stopping them.” I explained. “Well, other than spite, but Hestia won’t allow that.” Not that’ll truly stop me; I’d rather die than lose my family again.

“That’s right! No hurting yourself for me!” She ordered.

“I’ll do it if some pervert comes for me!” I counter. I’ll do a lot for my family, but I won’t do that! I’ve seen what happens to people in those situations; I’d rather starve. Like I was when Hestia first found me.

Hestia glared at me, but after seeing the sheer determination in my eyes, she relented, "Fine,” even if it pained her to do so. "But only if things get really bad!” She compromised.

“I promise.” I then got an idea. “You know, since you can only transfer familias once a year, we could always just send me to Hephaestus should we get cornered.”

“That… I guess could work?” Hestia analyzed. “I’d feel bad using her like that, but not as bad as you ending up somewhere horrible.”

“It’s not like there’s any harm in at least asking. And while I doubt she’d refuse since getting access to someone with mystery is quite valuable, let's not actually select it yet.” I suggested.

“Ah, good idea.” Hestia accepted, feeling better about our new last resort

…

“Anyway, that’s enough gloom and doom; I Leveled Up!” even if it was rather unwanted.

Chapter Text

After we finished our short celebration, Hestia and I went to beg- ask Hephaestus to assist us with our plan.

And after giving her a polite knock to get her attention, we entered her office, getting a quick greeting from Hephaestus without her really looking up from her paperwork. "Hello, Hestia, Silvia, good to see you. Did you need something?"

"Ah, yeah." Hestia nervously started. "We, haa, we'd like to request a meeting," she finished seriously.

Now, talking to Hephaestus is something we do fairly often, especially since we're neighbors, but not like this. No, our meetings are fairly rare (though still more common than I'd like).

That does mean that when we specifically ask for our discussion to be a meeting, she takes it seriously. Doubly so once she finally notices my stern expression. "What happened? I didn't think Silvia could get serious after joining your familia." Oi! I can be serious! I just, spent too long doing so…

"Silvia leveled up."

She sighed. "What did Silvia do now? Did she fight another minotaur?" That was one time! ONE! And I had more than enough support to make it safe!

"No, but she did fight the Goliath." Hestia corrected.

"She solo'd Goliath at Level One!!" What?

"What? NO! Not at all! She fought, fought! Goliath. While another group was already fighting it!" Hestia urgently denies. "And while she did interfere when she wasn't supposed to, being there as a supporter as usual, her interference was just to do some emergency healing. Only, in her specific way."

"Oh, that makes much more sense." Of course it does! Why would you ever think I could do something like that?

"Anyway, my Leveling Up isn't the issue." I insisted.

"Okay, then what is?"

Okay, here we go. "It's the options I got for a development ability… one of them was mystery."

"Oh…" She sighed. Then, realizing what I said—well, not what I said, but that I told her private information, again—she once again turned to my Goddess. "Hestia… I keep telling you that her abilities are supposed to be a secret!"

Seriously, why does she think telling Hestia will 'fix' that?

"I know! But Silvia doesn't care!" Hestia complained at once again being blamed for something that wasn't her fault.

So, I patted her on the head. "It's okay, you'll do better next time." I 'comforted.' As always, I can't help but tease her, even in serious situations.

"Does that mean you'll stop revealing personal secrets?" She asks hopefully.

"Not at all." I smiled.

"Mou… Anyway, one of her potential abilities was mystery." She shifted to return the seriousness of the conversation.

And to stop my teasing, but surely that's but a pleasant coincidence.

"Okay? While that's quite impressive, I don't see how I enter the picture." Picture? Ah, that's probably just another weird God word. Sadly, no matter how much I ask, they never tell me what it means, just getting more and more flustered at their 'mistake' or whatnot.

"We want advice." Hestia explains, "Aaand possibly a little help…" She reluctantly follows with a sigh. Hestia, for all her laziness (possibly from her divine domain), doesn't actually like depending on others, at least like this.

Hephaestus squinted her eye in suspicion. "And what, exactly, are you asking for help with? I'm more than willing to give you advice about what you should do with that ability, but actively helping is a different matter; it would likely cost you," She informed us firmly.

Hestia takes a deep breath. "Should the worst come to pass, I was hoping you could take my familia into yours."

"Hestia!?"

"Only should things get really bad!" Hestia quickly added. "And hopefully it'd be only temporarily. I know this is a bit much, but with Silvia's new spell, Mystery, and how quickly she Leveled, we don't know what to do."

"Her new spell... Didn't I just tell you not to reveal things like this!" Hey, it wasn't me this time that did it! Not that I wouldn't have soon... "Urg, not the time…" She grumbled to herself before getting serious. "I don't know if I can do that, Hestia."

"Please!" Hestia begged, entering a dogeza. "I'll do anything! We don't know what else we could do! I don't want Silvia to sacrifice herself!"

"Same with me!" I added, joining Hestia's dogeza. Pride? Who cares about pride? Can pride keep your family alive?

Hephaestus hesitated for a few minutes, before finally acquiescing to our request. She probably realized we'd be here for days otherwise. "Fine! I'll help you."

"Thank you"

"But! Only in an emergency!" She insisted.

"That's all we ask." I bowed respectfully.

Then, once I felt I'd truly given proper thanks, I slumped to the floor, getting a grumble about me lying down on the ground that I ignored. While normally I wouldn't do that, as she is our landlord, I'm to relieved to care at the moment. "Guess we can properly choose mystery then."

"Wait," she held up her hand. "You didn't choose mystery yet!?"

"No?" Why's she so surprised at that?

"Why!?"

"If it was just going to cause us problems, it's not worth picking," I answered simply. It's something you learn living on the streets; some things are just too valuable to deal with; ignoring that is the primary thing that gets you removed from the streets.

"So if I didn't agree to help, you would have chosen, what, mage?"

"Yeah, exactly! " I nodded positively. See, she gets it!

For some odd reason, that just caused Hephaestus, uh, sama? (she is helping us), to put her head in her hands and sigh.

"Um, are you okay? Is something wrong?"

"No, I just misunderstood something."

"Okay? Well, if you ever need anything, feel free to ask." I offered.

"I will… Anyway, go ahead and get mystery."

"Aye aye, boss!" I saluted the way I'd seen some other God do, causing both Goddesses to cringe noticeably, something I knew would happen, hence why I did it.

I don't know why several Gods react like that, though, so I make sure to only do that sparingly and only around ones I trust. Don't want to somehow offend one without even knowing why.

Anyway, after going into a bit more detail about our deal and some casual talk, it was time for us to return home (literally less than a hundred meters away) to finalize our choice.

"Are you ready, Silvia?"

I took a deep breath. "Yes."

"Okay, and... done. Here's your new status."

Let's see… Well, I guess nothing would actually change just by selecting my ability, but it certainly feels anticlimactic.

…

Eh, whatever, that's life.

Anyway, our meeting took way less time than we thought (we were prepared to sit in dogezas for hours, even days, if needed), so I don't know what to do now. Especially since Bell decided to spend the time we were going to do that learning, so he's not available for me to teach him.

And while I could hang out with Hestia, doing just that on a weekday feels off...

Hmm, I guess I could experiment with my new spell at the same time; not like the healing spell is hazardous or anything.

Yeah! Let's do it. "Hestia! Want to help me practice?"

"Huh!? I'm not a fighter, Silvia!"

"What? No, I meant for you to keep me company while I practice with my magic and stuff."

"Ah, that makes more sense. Sure."

Now, off to the plant room! Well, it's actually a training room, but I keep the potted plants that I 'harvest' bits of for delving there, since it's convenient.

Though that might have to change if we get more members... Hmm, well, it's not like we can keep that many people in our apartment (another God word), and by the time we get that many people we'd have to move out anyway, so that's probably a moot point.

Anyway, let's see what my new spell can do. First, can Elisium Field heal plants?

…

Yes! Yes, it can! "Look, Hestia! It healed!"

"Um, congratulations?"

I rolled my eyes at her lackluster response. "It means I can do more than just heal people's wounds; I can heal animals and potentially even tamed monsters. Which, while not super useful for an adventurer, gives me a lot of options."

Though that diversity brings up another point. "Hmm, I wonder if I can heal my vines?" That would save me from having to recast Overgrowth should they get too damaged. Ah! That'd also mean my vines would keep their boost from using actual plants! Perfect.

Ahem, I'm getting ahead of myself; first I need to see if it actually works.

…

And, it does?

Kinda?

It can heal them, but it's more like Overgrowth is devouring the mind of the spell than actual healing, similar to what happens when it eats magic stones. Still useful, considering I previously either had to feed them or cast a whole new spell, but not nearly to the extent I wanted.

Though it does make sense; Overgrowth would obviously just use the ability it already has. Magic is magic, after all, no matter its source.

So, outside of extreme situations, pretty useless; I'd just feed it monsters since that's usually pretty easy to do whenever I tend to use my spell.

…

Huh, that means it's actually pretty useful for testing, practice, and any more friendly spars (ones where I don't bring in as many magic stones as possible, that is), like right now.

Neat.

Well, since I'm already here, I might as well see how much changed with Overgrowth with my new level. It's probably just a small power increase, but you never know.

And what you don't know kills you.

…

And, of course, that means my spell is completely different!!!

WHY!?!?!?

As I struggled not to scream, Hestia, being the caring person that she is, noticed whatever it is I was doing while trying to contain myself.

"Silvia? What's wrong? Did something happen? Talk to me, baby." She requested with an odd, motherly gentleness.

Though that shouldn't surprise me, that's kind of her thing.

So I forced myself to take deep breaths, something that sadly alarmed Hestia further. Though, considering she's never seen me nearly as… frustrated, before, its understandable. I always try to keep any anger contained.

It just never helps anything…

Anyway. Let's try a different plant. Maybe it'll be better?

Okay, different plant, here, we, go!

"MMMMM!" It's also different!!! WHY!?!?

After pacing around and flailing my arms about in a vain attempt to contain my frustration, Hestia decided I'd had enough and led me to my room.

"It's okay, Silvia; whatever's bothering you, we will deal with. Together. Okay?" She comforted

Haaaa. "Okay." It's times like this that she really feels like the goddess of family.

"So, to start, what's wrong with your spell? I know it looks a bit different, but…" She trailed off.

Yeah, while she knows the basics of what I can do, she is very much a noncombatant. At least with how adventurers conventionally fight, considering she is also the guardian of the sacred flame.

"Well, how they look isn't the issue; it's that they also move differently!

"And is that, bad, or?"

"It's! Uh, different…" Haa, I didn't think of that...

"Then you should check, shouldn't you?" She suggested all reasonably.

"Right… I'll, I'll do that." I accepted, realizing I'd basically just thrown a temper tantrum for potentially nothing. "Just, later."

"That's fine. It's not like there's any reason to rush, after all."

"True." I smiled, which relieved her.

"Hestia," I called out as she went to leave.

"Yes, Silvia?"

"Thank you."

She gave another motherly smile, "I'm glad I could help."

Chapter Text

The next day I got up bright and early to figure out what’s up with my spell.

So early, in fact, that Bell was able to join me for a while before he had to meet up with Eina.

"So, Big Sis, what are we practicing today?” Bell asked excitedly.

Huh, well, that wasn’t my plan, but I might as well. He might even be able to help me.

“First, while you get warmed up, I’m going to check on some things.”

“Got it!” He cheered. 

And with Bell occupied, it was time to see how my spell changed.

…

Huh… Now that I’m looking at it properly, my spell is more or less just making more of whatever plant I use it on now. 

Well, that could prove useful, couldn’t it? Yeah, it does limit what I can do in certain situations, but plants can be quite diverse, so this has tons of potential. I might even be able to use this to make some actual armor instead of the crude thing I was doing with my vines to save money.

So yeah, Hestia was right. I probably was overreacting. Though I still wish I knew why my spell changed...

Oh well, that’s just how it is sometimes.

Anyway, with my initial testing complete, I turned to check on Bell, only to see that he was right next to me, watching what I was doing. “Oh, I guess you’ve already finished. Sorry for taking so long.”

“It’s fine; it was interesting to watch you use your magic.”

“Heh, I felt the same when I first got it. Who knows? Maybe you’ll get lucky enough to get your own someday.”

“I hope so!”

“So do I.” I smiled. “Anyway, that’s enough of that; it’s time to train.” I declared. “Now, rather than our usual training, I think it would be more beneficial for you to fight a goblin created from my vines to simulate real dungeon combat.”

“Oh! You can do that!?”

“More or less. And I can only works with fairly weak and simplistic monsters, and is only as close as I’ve studied. But, since you won’t be fighting anything but goblins and the like for a while, that should be good enough to give you an idea of what you’ll be facing.”

I paused.

“Well, hopefully anyway. Unfortunately, since imitating creatures is not nearly as effective as using my spell conventionally, I never really ended up using it. Especially since stupid Hephaestus wouldn’t let me train her newbies with it…” I mumbled in annoyance. And I spent so long studying various monsters to get it right too...

Who cares about secrets? I want to help people! Like the thieves did for me and the other orphans...

“That’s amazing!” Bell complimented with stars in his eyes.

“It is pretty cool,” I admitted. Finally, I can use my spell for its true calling, training . Truly a spell made for a captain, as expected of Hestia.

Then I remembered something else. “Oh, while I have an abundance of mind available, we can test out my new spell!” I clapped in excitement.

“Uh, are you sure, Silvia-san?” Aand, there goes his excitement. Wow, he is really nervous about that. I kinda feel bad about suggesting it now.

“Of course.“ Not enough to not still do it, though.

“Haa, Aye, Captain.”

“Good boy.” I approved. “But don’t worry little Bell; while you’ll curse your pain and suffering now, you’ll be glad you did this in the future.” I comforted with a consoling pat on the back. “Besides, I just want to see how it deals with stamina—maybe a few scratches and bruises, nothing serious,” I explained after, which actually alleviated his worries.

“So, let’s see how you fare against my pseudo-goblin.”

“I won’t let you down!” He declared as he got ready.

So, I went to a nearby plant (a more viney one for now) and cast my spell, causing it to rapidly grow, lengthening further and further every second, warping and intertwining as it shifts into a 'meaty’ blob that then tears itself from its source, becoming a seemingly fluid mass of vines that soon contorted itself into a crude mimicry of a goblin.

It is, quite frankly, absolutely horrifying to witness. And that’s not mentioning how even after I finished shaping the spell (that took more mind but less direct effort than usual), it still kept its grotesque appearance, with its constantly writhing ‘flesh’ and ceaseless jerky movements, like it was trying to mimic life but is missing something vital . It then turned its hollow eyes towards us, their unearthly glow giving the puppet an alarmingly lifelike gaze.

So, that’s new…

Not that I tell Bell that, acting like this was actually what I planned to create and not some horrific monstrosity that spawned on complete accident !

By the Gods, what the hell is that!?

Yeah, there is definitely something fishy going on.

I just have no idea what.

Haa, whatever, I can work on figuring that out after Bell leaves.

So, ignoring is horrified reaction to my spell, I ask, “Are you ready?”

“Uh, y-yes, Sensei!!”

“Good, then lets... Begin!” I shout before ‘commanding’ my abomination to attack. Which it does, not only easier than usual, but with a piercing screech.

Which it should not be capable of . Haa, fuck . At least it’s still fully under my control; I’d have to step in otherwise. No, it's just taking my intent further, somehow.

Ignorant of my thoughts, Bell clumsily dodged out of the way. The beast was relentless, though, and simply charged him again, using more my subconscious understanding of goblins than any conscious effort, but not nearly enough to actually act independently.

Unfortunately, Bell’s inexperience reared its nasty head as his frantic dodge left him flat-footed, allowing the puppet to freely tackle him, marking his loss.

“Mou.” He pouted like Hestia. “I thought I would do better…”

I just shrugged. “That’s why we’re practicing. Though I do have to apologize.” He looked up in confusion. “You see, as I’m still unused to my Level Up, I accidentally made it more effective than I was supposed to,” I explained, which was technically true, considering the change to my spell was definitely caused by that, even if, indi, rectly… huh. “That doesn’t, however, completely excuse your sloppy dodge, so we’ll have to work on that. Understood.”

“Yes, Big Sister!” He accepted, analyzing what he did wrong. Not that I can really fault him for his mistake; my vine goblin puppet was certainly more horrific than anything you could expect to find in the dungeon, at least from what I’ve seen, so him being overcome by fear is to be expected.

For now. I certainly won’t let any such weakness stand for long.

But that can wait for later; right now I just need to focus on improving his basic capabilities. As such, I have him fight the puppet again. And again. And again. And again. And so on.

Then, once I noticed him getting tired, I decided it was time to test my spell. So I pulled him close to me so he’d be within the small ‘rain’ I’d had on the entire time.

“B-big Sis!?” Aww, he’s blushing. Oh, and he’s now realized what I’m doing and is properly resting. Good, quick observation skills like that will keep you alive.

Or he just recalled what I intended to test, which will also help keep you alive.

Oh, while I’m thinking about it, Elysium Field’s mind regeneration is actually surprisingly good. Not completely sustain the spell good, usually, but when I’m fully recovered and whatnot so it doesn’t have to do anything else, it can actually recover more mind than it uses! 

(Technically. Instead of directly creating mind, somehow , it allows my mind to recover naturally, similar to how I think Spirit Healing works.)

Anyway, within my spell’s range, he recovered his stamina noticeably faster, quickly regaining control over his breathing and the like, which was a good sign.

So, after testing that for a bit to see just how effective that recovery was, I decided to go further by recasting my spell with far greater range so Bell could train under the effect. 

As I expected, his stamina was seemingly endless!

…When he wasn’t pushing himself too hard. And yeah, a major part of combat is the conservation of energy, but it’s still a limitation. One that sadly restricts the potential of this spell.

Alas, my dream of constantly blitzing my enemies was not to be…

Oh well, what I got instead is more than good enough, so I can’t really complain.

However, just as I got satisfied with it, I noticed Bell being noticeably sluggish whenever he left its range, so I confronted him about it.

“So, why do you perform so differently when under Elysium Field?”

“Uh, sorry, Big Sis, I’ll work on it.”

“You’re not in trouble,” probably, “I just want to know what’s going on.”

“I just felt really fatigued after leaving your spell for some reason.”

Well, that’s concerning. “Right away?”

“Ah, no, after a few seconds.” Phew, immediately being hit with exhaustion as soon as they left my range would have been an alarmingly lethal detriment.

“Hmm, we should probably test that, huh.” I wondered. “You up for that, Bell?”

“Yes, Big Sis.” He agreed, if reluctantly, which, fair. I’m not looking forward to doing that myself later either.

…

And, after an annoying few minutes of testing, we found out that apparently despite actually recovering his stamina, it only suppresses his fatigue. Which was weird. I’d have thought it’d do the opposite if anything.

Just, why !?

And as I complained about that, I got another piece of the puzzle by way of poor Bell grumbling on the ground. “Why does everything still hurt even after being healed!?”

“You’re still sore??” Why would he be sore ??

“Yeah. Like with fatigue, it pretty much goes away while I’m under your spell, but returns shortly after I leave.”

…

It doesn’t heal muscle soreness either!? Haa, at least it also suppresses its effects...

Still, that’s really weird. Why wouldn’t it heal those when it obviously heals wounds, as claimed by its description and proven by the lack of scratches and bruises on Bell?

Like, don’t get me wrong, suppressing those is really useful, particularly for emergencies, allowing you to continue acting even when at your limit, but using it for extreme training would have probably been more useful.

Haa, another mystery. Why is it that for every answer I find, I end up with two more!

Whatever, with most of my initial questions answered, even if not quite to my satisfaction, the only important thing left to test is how good my spell is at healing wounds (and the various miscellaneous effects that I can’t test here), but that can wait until later. So, with Bell being too tired to continue, I decided to end our training here.

…

After one last spar.

So, “One more spar, then you’re done.” I called out, getting his attention.

“Aye.” He accepted with a fierce determination in his eyes. Heh, I like that look. I hope he can keep making it in the future.

So, once again, I fed the puppet more mind and prepared it for battle, it all but growling in anticipation.

...that's still really creepy.

Anyway, as soon as Bell was ready, the fiend charged, perfectly mimicking what an actual goblin would do, having somehow enhanced its mimicry over the course of our training.

Because of course it did...

Anyway, Bell responded well, dodging out of the way while giving a retaliatory slash, weakening the puppet’s arm and preventing an immediate counterattack.

Of course, that didn’t last, but it allowed Bell to control the initiative, which he used to get a few hits, but between him focusing on defense, how he’s been trying out different weapons to get a feel for them (it’s best to do that now, while he’s still a novice), and the fact monsters are more than willing to keep fighting even when grieviously injured mean that the puppet is still going strong.

Still, Bell won’t let that stop him as he patiently waits for an opening.

And after another exchange, he finds one! He strikes, driving his dagger through the puppet’s chest!

...and then gets hit in retaliation.

Yeah, as a puppet made from vines, it doesn’t have vitals, only ‘dying’ when it runs out of magic. So, it ignored the attack and did what any monster would do in its position: attack.

…oops?

Anyway, I quickly disengaged it with an appolog—wait, maybe I can use this.

Hmm…

 Nah. 

“Sorry about that; I got too into character." I apologized as I healed the decent-sized cut he received. "Though this is a good lesson: never underestimate monsters; you never know what they might do."

“Will do, Big Sis,” he accepted earnestly. Phew, I’m glad I decided to be (mostly) honest, or I’d be feeling really guilty right now.

“Still, good job on your victory; you fought well.”

That got him to smile brightly.

Well, all in all, I’d say this has been a fairly productive training session. Bell showed some fantastic improvement, being able to occasionally win against my puppet (even with it being a bit fiercer than usual), and I learned a good bit about my magic. 

We really do need to work on Bell’s stamina, though.

Chapter Text

Eventually, the host was able to calm everyone down. Well, mostly. Enough for us to continue with the meeting, at least.

"So, you're telling me," A slightly obese man in a suit that looks exactly like a stereotypical mobster, cigars and Tommy gun included, started, "That you already found a way to Earth?" He even sounds like one!

"I did." I agreed. "It wasn't that difficult, all things considered; I just had to make sure I could get back." Not much point going there otherwise.

"Haa, okay. So, when did you figure that out?" Aww, he stopped.

"The first night?" I pondered. "I'm not quite sure; I spent quite a while experimenting after I'd regained my wits and such." I couldn't help trying to learn as much as possible about, well, everything, so it all kinda blurred together.

"And you didn't tell anyone this; why?"

"As I said, I wasn't certain I would be able to come back."

Mr. Mafia looked pained at my admission. "I see what you were intending, but it would have been preferable for you to have told somebody first."

"Okay, I'll make sure to do that should something similar happen." I accepted. Though hopefully that will remain an empty promise.

"Anyway," he shifted, probably deciding that was good enough for now (and that we had far more important things to talk about), "how did you accomplish this? Was there some magic we overlooked?"

"Recall?" I suggested, even though I'm certain it wasn't overlooked, literally being a spell that lets you return to a remembered location without needing the proper coordinates, though with a rather heavy mana cost and 'cooldown' to compensate (none of which are even remotely enough to stop us, even if I did feel the strain of the spell).

"Recall? While it is a focus of everyone's research, it was determined that you couldn't leave the world on its own."

"Ah," I nodded. "You see, the key is not using Space's capstone of being absolute and able to truly break space and instead using the default shifting and bending to gently, uh, 'push' your way… through? Around? Whatever, space was weird enough without bringing in other dimensions." I complained. "But yeah, the absolute the spell tries to break through the dimensional walls that surround our reality, something I'm sure you can understand why would be difficult," and potentially dangerous, depending on how the walls work. "So I didn't do that."

"I feel that we've lost track of what we are here for." The host interjected before I could ramble more, "Miss Black, I believe you had something you needed?"

"Ah, yeah. While I can personally bring someone with me, transporting everyone that wants to return isn't logistically feasible."

"You can bring others with you!?" And so the shouting returns...

Haa, why couldn't we have discussed this before setting up a meeting? At least that way, everyone wouldn't constantly be shouting in surprise!

And, you know, people could have presented potential solutions to my problem instead of having to create them on the spot. Especially since none of the other space users were attending the meeting for some insane fucking reason.

I checked.

______

Once again, the host fought to keep order, and once again he succeeded.

Hopefully, this will be the last time he has to do that. I don't know how long he can keep doing it…

"Okay." Mr. Mafia continued. Hmm, I wonder if he's important, considering he keeps being the representative. "If you can already return to Earth, and can even bring people with you, what is it exactly that you need help with?"

"A better method of transferring everyone."

"You do realize that not everyone will want to return, correct?"

"Yeah?" I respond as if it's obvious, because it is, "But does that percentage reach well over 90%? Because if it doesn't, we need something better." I insisted. "Like, seriously, even if you exclude factors like my limited mana, need for sleep and food, mental state, and casting times, it would still take months to get everyone home!"

"I see." He nodded in understanding. "So, do you have some sort of plan?"

"Eh, not really," I confess. "That's why I'm here, after all. If I already had a solution, I probably would have just done it on my own."

"Fair enough." He accepted. "Though that does leave us with a bit of an issue, considering none of us are space wielders." And yet none of them are here…

Regardless, "But you can at least throw out ideas. They'd probably be better than mine." I suggested. It's not like we're going to create a proper solution right now.

"Oh? And what would that be?"

"Building an at least semi-permanent portal at my spatial beacons."

"That's… ambitious." He offered.

I know; that's why I want other ideas…

Alarmingly, before we could move on to said more sensible ideas, someone commented, "That might just work."

Which was concerningly followed by, "It would certainly be more convenient than a one-way trip."

"Right! Someone else agreed. "Not everyone would want to have to choose a world, not with everything they likely gained here."

And, somehow, things just kept escalating from there!

"Even I can see not wanting to go back, and I have quite a pleasant relationship with my parents while also having a great job and a large house. But those who were nobody before? Had health issues or debt, and similar concerns, that they are now free from? For them, this might as well have been a true miracle." A different person argued.

"Yeah! For some people, this is the best thing that has ever happened to them! Power, fame, fortune, adventure, youth, good health… I can go on and on." Yet another person passionately followed. "However, that gain can be overshadowed by what they lost in the process. From the family and friends, to their home and culture, all of that, and more, left behind." He clenched his fist dramatically. "For many, that is a worthy cost; for others, it clearly isn't. But for some… some will have to think real hard. And that, that is a true tragedy."

"But we have been given a chance, an opportunity!" He continued, his agreement now turning into a proper speech. "And we owe it to them to at least try for it! Try to remove the need for a decision, the need to abandon one world for another! To let everyone have the best of BOTH worlds! This whole event has been enough of a tragedy; it's time we got some good news for a change!" He finished, getting a decent amount of applause.

Yeah, I'm going to leave them to it…

So, ignoring all that nonsense, I actually do know a spell that can make portals. Possibly. I think it can, at least… Anyway, it's this niche-as-shit spell that lets you pass things to other space users by basically opening what is displayed as, but very much not, a trade window between two spatially 'expanded' bags.

Honestly, despite its sheer utility (not only are inventories not really a thing, the spell can also transfer things into dungeon instances), it was pretty much useless, there not being enough leveled space users to take proper advantage of it (there were like a hundred people total that could cast it, all spread throughout the globe). As such, it was only really used for pranks and the like.

I do have to add, though, that I haven't actually used it since we were taken. You see, in order for the spell to work, two space users must cast it at the same time, something much easier when you can send messages and such. As a result, I don't truly know how the spell works other than the theory and instincts I gained alongside this body. Which, while fairly good (I gained a lot of information and instincts pertaining to basically everything my character could do when I 'inherited' this body, though it sadly didn't give me anything beyond that), were quite direct and to the point while lacking in details, only saying that the spell 'linked two storages together.' Which, could potentially mean several different things. Especially with how medieval and mythically all my spells are described (which, while certainly makes sense, isn't as helpful as I'd like).

So I'm not really sure if opening independent, not to mention permanent, portals like we're imagining is even a thing. Which, when you add in the various other difficulties we'd face…

Eh, I'm sure we'll figure something out, even if portals won't work.

Anyway, let's check back in on how everyone's 'conversation' is going.

"And I'm telling you that being able to make permanent grand effects doesn't mean we can create a portal to another world!" Someone shouted, inciting even more arguments.

Wait… how the hell did they accomplish that!? It's only been a week! And here I thought we would still be limited to permanent, lesser effects like we were in-game. Like, even just creating permanent moderate effects that don't need to be 'sustained' (well, 'linked' might be more accurate) by someone with a compatible element would have been impressive, but apparently, they've rocketed past even my wildest thoughts!

Wow, and here I was thinking we'd have to have us space users manually hold a portal open for like a few hours every week or something to get it to work! This is far better than I thought.

I guess that's what happens when humanity unites to accomplish something.

If only it didn't take a literal divine curse to do…

Anyway, it seems that creating a portal isn't a pipe dream, merely difficult.

And difficult is something humanity has overcome time and time again!

"I say we do it." I put my opinion forward, oddly silencing the room. "Or at the very least, see if it's possible," since we haven't had the chance to test anything yet. But regardless, the hardest part was always going to be that anything we built would be a fucking grand effect, two whole tiers higher than moderate! And pretty much the only working (non-dungeon) examples of that you can find are National Asse—ah, that's where the knowledge came from…

Well, that makes sense; the natives are quite involved with this as well.

Anyway, "And if it doesn't work out for some reason, we can always just build a teleporter that needs to be manually activated each time or something." I shrugged. "It'd be tedious (extremely so at the scale we need), but it'd certainly be workable." It's not like a massive teleporter would be that hard to create; I already know how to make a normal one. I just don't know how to make it usable by non-space users, something they've apparently figured out.

Surprisingly, that gets almost unanimous approval, with all but the most absolutely against it people willing to at least give it a good try.

Path decided, everyone got to work discussing the logistics and the like, leaving me with basically nothing to do. Haa, for my sanity, I really hope everyone finishes whatever it is they're doing soon.

______

Aaand, we're done! Huh, that was actually pretty quick (I think)!

Alas, before I could even prepare to leave, someone asked me a rather pointed question…

"If I may, how important was your wait actually? You had said you could have returned to Earth on the first day?"

Haaaaa.

"Well… moderately, I think? Unlike normal, Recall was… fuzzy, with its destination. As such, I did not know where exactly I'd end up, and since I had no way of checking without just going, I had to make plans and backups to make sure it was safe. Like, what if Recall didn't follow Earth's orbit or something? That'd kill me without any preparations!" And possibly even with them…

"That's all well and good, but, was, it, needed." He insisted with a scary intensity to his gaze.

"Hmm," I really thought about it… "Eh, probably not. Like, it'd probably have taken me a day or two (excluding any delays) to figure out a way back, but that's it." I answered honestly. "Again, though, I had no way of knowing that. Seriously. The whole place could have been affected by a spatial anchor for all I knew!" I took a deep breath to calm myself down. "Anything could have happened on the way to Earth, so I dad to be ready. You don't just jump into something like that without serious preparation first. Not if you actually want to return." I finished.

Sadly, a whole bunch of the people here didn't accept that explanation (though far from a majority), but I'm sticking to it. We only have a few space users; if we lose them to some recklessness and impatience, everyone could have been stranded here for a generation! If not longer!

I just, I couldn't risk it. Especially when it's my life at risk should something go wrong.

Besides, If they wanted me to do things differently, they should have just talked to me, not made a fucking dossier!

Anyway, despite how heated the last question got, someone else apparently thought it was a good idea to ask me another…

"If I may ask another question before we leave? I promise it will be a quick one." At least they were polite about it… whatever, sure. "How is everything? On Earth, that is."

Aaand, now I have everyone's attention, again… Haa, fine, I guess I can tell them; it's not like anyone else can do it yet…

"Well," uh, how do I explain this? Like, do I try to ease them into it, or…

Eh, fuck it, they're going to find out soon enough anyway. "Shit's fucked." Okay, maybe not that direct. Still… "Like, there are literally videos of us being fucking Raptured, which… yeah." I sighed as the shouting returned in force, stopping me from continuing.

Haa, this meeting is never going to end…

Chapter Text

"Okay, I'm as ready as I'm gonna get, it's time to go."

Some backstory: several days ago, me and, well, way too many people were kidnapped from our homes and transformed into our MMO characters from the super originally named New World Online. Everyone, of course, reacted exactly how you'd expect.

Luckily, some people were able to take command of the situation to prevent most of the more... extreme actions by convincing everyone that finding a path home should be possible.

Sadly, after around a week with no progress, people were losing hope, considering our situation 'beyond the realm of mortals' or other such nonsense.

At least, I hope it's nonsense, considering what I'm about to attempt...

You see, New World was an extremely open game (something that makes a lot of sense now) that let players choose their battle type (martial or mage), skills (mostly crafting, admittedly), weapons, and, most importantly, element (all of which had their own skill trees).

Of which, while there were of course the standard earth, wind, fire, and water, there were also things like ice, lightning, and even metal, all the way to truly exotic ones like time and, most relevantly, space!

Sadly, more, uh, advanced elements had multiple problems. Most commonly, extreme costs and a limited scope... Like, yeah, you can use metal to disarm most opponents, but only once you unlock the ability at level 50! Something that takes several hours to do even while being carried!

Time and space are even worse, with us only unlocking our first offensive abilities around the 80s to 90s. Before then, it was pure utility. And they're not even particularly good in that aspect either!

Well, time acceleration bubbles can be quite useful for more static long-range party members, but everything else we can do can only really help ourselves.

As such, there are only seven max-level space users—seven! And none of us are mages, as increased control and the ability to use external mana are useless if you can't do anything with it! Yeah, melee-only mages are hilarious in concept, but spending potentially hundreds of hours just to unlock a spell that makes your weapon ignore all defense is pretty pointless when literally any similarly leveled martial will do more damage with a simple basic attack. And that's not even counting how difficult it is to use the annoyingly telegraphed spell, even as a martial...

Anyway, I've delayed long enough. It's time to do what I've been preparing to do the entire time we've been kidnapped: go home.

Now, admittedly, I probably could have done this on the first, maybe second, day here, but I wanted to be certain I could actually return (it would be pretty rude to not help everyone else get home as well). And while it would probably be better to wait for more things to be discovered, I've already done that once/been doing that, and people are starting to lose hope.

So, with my newly discovered spatial anchor set up, it's finally time to go home. fvip*

Aaand, I have no clue where I am... Up to the heavens, I go, then.

Ah, that makes sense; I'm on the other side of the continent, just like in-game (the game was, uh, probably not made, so organized at scale to Earth, with your start being relatively close to where you live). Luckily, I am a space mag- well, martial- so that distance shouldn't be an issue.

*Three hours later*

And I'm home.

Also, I don't know how I'm only just now noticing, but I'm still in my character's body.

And while, yes, that's probably for the best considering old me lacks the ability to teleport and the like, it's definitely going to cause problems...

Oh well, there's nothing I can do about that, so I'm going to ignore it!

Ahh, I'd missed my apartment. And it is my apartment, not some alternate reality version or something, considering the easy-to-find news articles talking about the million people who suddenly disappeared.

Haa, and I was trying to ignore the scale of the tragedy...

Oh yeah, our disappearance was also very obvious; there are literally videos of people disappearing in a flash of light! The internet, of course, is going fucking insane. It's also known exactly how many people were taken, since the game deleted our characters. What, the, fuck!

Ahem, anyhow, this is definitely my home, so my trip has served its purpose (it definitely wasn't an excuse), so now it's time to set up another anchor. And, with the power of the internet (man, I missed this, and it's only been a week...), it's quite easy to find an open yet accessible location to set it up.

I can even just teleport straight there (thank you, coordinates)!

And with the anchors paired up, it's time to return to New World.

… And it worked, good. I wasn't tooo worried that it wouldn't, but there was no way for me to be sure, and the guilt of failure would have destroyed me until everyone finally figured out some other way to get back.

If they ever did...

An-y-way! Now that I have a properly tested way to travel to and from both worlds, it's time to bring everybody home!

Soon.

I, sadly, can't just open up a portal connecting both sides, which means this is as far as I can really go on my own. So now it's time to report my, uh, discovery? Achievement? Beh, whatever, I need to report what I did to the people who have taken charge of the situation.

Haa, hopefully, this won't be too difficult to set up...

______

What the hell is going on!?

I am now sitting in whatever you call the side area of a stage while all of the big movers and shakers are being gathered for a gigantic meeting.

How did this happen!?

Genuinely! I don't know what I did to cause this. I just went to the secretary/greeter person for guild leader Vader (a roleplayer whose guild is called the Galactic Empire and has a friendly rivalry with his actual son who leads the Rebel Alliance) and said that I had some positive news regarding finding a way back to Earth.

That's it!

How did that turn into this!? Instead of questioning me further, or even just setting me up with a meeting with their boss, they (because gender identities have been fucked by the current situation, especially since many people are hoping it will soon be reversed…eeee) nodded while saying "Understood, follow me" before barging into their boss' office (who was in the middle of a meeting) and saying that "It's been done." What the actual fuck!?

And things only escalated from there!

Vader, after regaining his composure from the understandably shocking situation, said, "Got it" before hitting a button or something that activated an alarm. He then started making calls to people while the whole office abruptly burst into activity.

I, meanwhile, had absolutely no clue what was going on!

I mean, I guessed that he was organizing a meeting or something, but at the time I just thought that I had contacted the wrong person. I, also, still wasn't quite sure if they'd even gotten my message, but the amount of activity this whole thing sparked would likely only come from them knowing everything.

Or having inflated hopes...

Not like anyone has confirmed it or anything though! Like, maybe I was reporting my failures—no, I specifically said positive news, but that doesn't mean I have the solution to our problem!

Because I don't!

I specifically came here to get help, for Pete's sake!

What am I going to do!!! I don't have the solution they're hoping forrrr!!! And now I have to give bad news to the most influential people in this world!

What's the protocol for this!? Do I need to wear something specific, or is it fine since we're in, were in, a game and I'm basically cosplaying an anime ninja? Should I at least take of my mask? I don't know!

Luckily for my upcoming panic attack, I was soon interrupted by the same secretory person who started this mess. "How are you?" They asked simply, and like, what the hell am I supposed to say to that!? Isn't it obvious?

Haa, whatever. "I really don't know," I confessed, unable to keep my chaotic emotions out of my voice.

They laughed at that, laughed! "Fair enough. I don't know what I would do in your situation either."

Haa, can't argue with that. Still… "I just wish I at least knew what was going on."

"You don't?" They asked in confusion.

"Not really?" I confirmed. "Like, I know that this is turning into some massive meeting with some extremely influential people, but I don't know why it's happening!"

That got me a confused look. "Because you found a way to Earth?" they offered.

"Yeah, but how do you know that!" I whisper-shouted; I didn't want any more attention on me than there already was, not that it can compare to what I'd be getting soon, but that's later me's problem.

"Because it was you that reported it," they plainly declared.

"...What?"

And then they told me something that sent chills down my spine.

I'd been under watch as a 'person of interest' since shortly after we were kidnapped. Which, while understandable, is really weird! And other stuff I'd rather not think about.

Sadly, Miss Secretary didn't get the memo, as they then started to talk about how, as one of only seven max-level space users, we were seen as humanity's best hope at getting home; as such, it was deemed a matter of vital importance that I was kept safe. Ish. I am an adventurer; fighting monsters and the like is what I do.

And, you know, dimensional travel might be just a smidge dangerous at times.

Anyway, part of that was making sure that everybody important knew about me. As such, people were given a fuckin dossier to tell them all about me! One that they handed me a copy of!

Oh god, what the fuck.

They then went on to describe how my personality assessment (there had to have been proper CIA members or something that worked on this) described various aspects of my personality, like how I would likely only report my findings if I figured something out, and oh so much more!

"Okay, okay… so, why didn't you, like, just recruit me or something at this point?" Or keep it a secret…

"Because you were already working on a solution, and we figured you'd ask for help when you needed it."

Oh god, kill me now. "That's why I'm here, though."

That finally gets the secretary to pause. "Did... did you not find some sort of clue on how to get to Earth?" They ask in worry.

"I did," I corrected, lessening their worry. "I just don't know how to transport a million people. Like, I could handle personally transferring a few hundred, maybe even a few thousand, people to Earth, but a million? That's just not reasonable."

"True, a million is quiet, a, lot…" they paused as they gathered their thoughts before whisper shouting, "You've already been to Earth!?"

"Yeah," I confirmed.

"Why didn't you say that!"

"You didn't let me!" I complained.

They froze at my lamentation, but before they could respond, we were interrupted by one of the guards, "We are ready for you, Miss Black." Ah, yeah, that's what I'm going by. Can't exactly call me ████>,< now can you?

And, yes, miss. Truthfully, I don't really care all that much about my new body's sex—super strength and speed, feeling more alive and healthy than ever before, fucking teleportation—all of it is more than worth it to me. Honestly, if it wasn't for us being kidnapped, forcibly changed, and kept from everything we love and care about, I'd think this whole situation was pretty great.

Alas, that is not the case.

Though admittedly, my perspective is pretty skewed compared to most everyone else, considering I more or less figured out a way to get home right away, so I never truly felt the horror of the situation.

Regardless of how I feel about this, though, I know almost everyone else is suffering. Hopefully, we will be able to fix, well, some of that soon.

And so, I was led to the front of the stage thing, where I was once again filled with a myriad of emotions, mostly negative, as I now stood in front of what had to be the most powerful and influential people in the world (at least, those originally from Earth; I don't think any natives would be here, right?). Haaaa, whyy meee??

Luckily for my frayed nerves, there are others here to help guide me, as I have no idea what I'd do otherwise.

"Good evening, everyone." the host? greeted. "We are here because Miss Black has made some progress she'd like to report. Miss Black, if you'd please?" Uh, no? That's not the case, not at all! I just wanted to get some help expanding what I've already done! Not present myself to our EU equivalent!!

Whatever, it's not like I can change anything now. Haa, let's just get this over with...

"Hello." I greeted, actually receiving some nods in response. Ah, right, most everyone here was just a normal person before the transfer. Okay, I can do this! "So, as you have heard, I have made some progress towards returning everyone to Earth," I confirmed. Huh, there were a lot of relieved sighs and other signs of happiness coming from the audience. I guess they didn't know for sure that I did? But then, why are you here??

Whatever, that doesn't matter; I just need to report my findings so they can figure out what to do next. So, with everyone's attention firmly upon me, I continued. "Sadly, I've hit a bit of a bottleneck, so I'm requesting some help." I finish nervously, worried at how the mood seemed to have dropped.

What, did you expect me to have made some mass-reproducible, portable dimensional teleporters? That are somehow both super cheap and quick and easy to make that I just need them to be passed out? What the hell, guys…

"Ahem," the host interrupts, "So, Miss Black, what have you accomplished so far?" He asks, putting us back on track.

I took a deep breath. "Okay, so, I've gone to Earth, and confirmed that it is ours, then placed a dimensional anchor there so other space users shouldn't have a problem doing the same."

Suddenly, the whole place was filled with shouting.

Haa, I just wanted some help building a dimensional portal; is that too much to ask!!!

Chapter Text

Out of nowhere, someone appeared in the middle of the street with a flash of light.

"Stay away!" The obvious parahuman shouted. "I probably contain a metric fuck ton of bio-engineered viruses and the like that would be apocalyptic if spread." They announced, causing mass panic. "While I doubt they will spread from me, I'd rather not watch another world end." Alas, very few people were able to fully comprehend the horror of that statement. "As such, I am going to sit here, and not move. Please, get whatever people are needed to deal with this here soon. I'm apparently free, and I'd like to actually experience it."

Luckily for the plagued parahuman, Armsmaster was only a few minutes away.

While we didn't quite believe the parahuman's claims, the idea of a villain infecting a teleporter with a tinkered disease before sending them off isn't outside the realms of possibility, enough that I'm certain the only reason it hasn't already been done before is the rarity of teleporters.

Regardless, it's the PRT's job to deal with things like this, and in the off chance any of what they said was true, we absolutely need to deal with this carefully.

As such, "Armsmaster, what can you tell me about our new guest?"

"Melissa, no cape name, and in fact claimed to not know what that was. When I explained, she stated, 'My name is just Melissa; while I have been called many things, only that has ever been my name'."

Strange, "What else?"

"She was perfectly cooperative with us, which suggests she wasn't a willing participant in this incident. The only other thing of note was how unfamiliar she was with everything we passed, well beyond what one would expect from someone visiting a foreign city, suggesting an unfamiliarity with more than just Brockton itself."

"Hmm, odd. Still, at least they are willing to work with us." I dread what might have happened if they weren't.

"I agree."

Shortly after, Panacea arrived and entered the sealed room where we kept the subject.

Panacea was called in because of her expertise, being one of the few people actually capable of dealing with a Tinkertech disease. Brandish and Glory Girl soon followed, which, considering the potential severity of the situation, I allowed.

"Do I have permission to heal you?" Panacea wearily asked, having been rushed out of school for this.

The parahuman, a rather attractive Amazon of a woman whose appearance suggests power shenanigans, raised an eyebrow in amusement but agreed with a laugh. "Sure, you have my permission to prevent a potential apocalypse."

While her casual response annoyed several of us watching this from the next room, it's not like she's wrong.

Though just about the last thing anyone expected was for Panacea to suddenly shout, "Holy Shit!" "Panacea!" Brandish immediately admonished. "Fuck off." She countered, shocking everyone even more— except Melissa, who I noticed rolled her eyes. "You have no idea what's inside her."

"And what would that be?" I demanded through the screen connecting us, struggling to keep calm.

"Everything!"

"Everything?" I repeated, letting my displeasure be known.

Panacea threw her arms up in exasperation. "Yeah, everything! She is infected with dozens upon dozens of parahuman viruses, toxins, and so on of various types, some of which are actually potentially world-ending, like your standard zombies, the not-so-standard zombies, diseases that cause their victims to explode, burn to death, freeze, fucking trigger—it's insane!" She then gave Melissa an intense look. "Where the actual FUCK did you get even a fraction of these! I doubt that even Nilbog and Bonesaw, fulfilling our worst nightmares and working together, could create even half of them!" FUCK! That's way worse than we thougt!

Melissa, completely ignoring the seriousness of the situation, shrugged. At least she gave us an answer: "The Edge of the World," even if it was completely nonsensical...

"And where, pray tell, is that!" I demanded in annoyance. How could she be so flippant? Does she not realize how serious this is!?

"The government's, well, my version of them since this is obviously another world," Great, that complicates things even further, "answer to supers: exile all of them in some city, build walls and other defenses around it, and kill anyone that tries to escape. Regularly send in supplies along with the new parahumans, horrendous criminals, political rivals, people you don't like… You know, normal government things," she explained, as if that wasn't something that makes our quarantine zones and the birdcage seem tame in comparison, "so that people don't get desperate enough to all charge the walls at once. Then just hope the problem sorts itself out. Somehow. You know, like they do with all of their problems: leave them for the next generation; it's not my problem." She finished with a resigned sigh.

"Fuck…" Someone eventually muttered, breaking the suffocating silence everyone had fallen into out of sheer horror and shock.

"That—you're joking, right?" Glory Girl pleaded, "Like, there's no way you government could do something that, that! That bad…"

Melissa, again, just shrugged. "There should be supers around with various information-finding powers that can verify my claims; you'll know that I'm telling the truth soon enough." True, which means my next course of action has been decided, as annoying as it is.

"Haa, this is above my paygrade; I'm bringing this to the Chief Director." I announced, before leaving to do just that.

"If all that is true, how did you survive?" I asked shortly after Director Piggot left, since that sounds like an absolutely horrific situation to find yourself in.

"Especially with all those diseases!" Amy jumped in with a rather important question, "No normal person would be able to survive all of that, even with how strange your body is." She added, making me worry about Melissa even more. Considering she was (is?) carrying some of the worst plagues ever dreamed of, was she experimented on by her Earth's version of Bonesaw?

"That's just what my power does." She shrugged again.

"And that is?" Arsmaster questioned.

"Adaptation. Quite literally, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger the power." She explained, shocking everyone.

"That's just like Crawler!" I shouted.

"... I have no idea who that is." She honestly admitted, which is another point towards her actually being an otherworlder.

"A mass murderer who becomes immune to any attack that doesn't kill him by growing various monstrous mutations." Armsmaster explained.

Melissa perked up at that. "That sounds exactly like my power, before it evolved, at least." Everyone winced at that. "Afterwards, it took a bit for me to become immune to anything, not helped by my decreased regeneration. Regaining my humanity was worth it, though." She then smiled menacingly. "Especially since my power adapted most of that back."

"Fuck," someone exclaimed, but I was too busy feeling that to tell who.

She shrugged as usual. "You know, it's a shame about Crawler being mass murderer; I was hoping we could have been friends, having similar powers and, presumably, experiences. Oh well." Ah.

Um, "Wait, if your power isn't teleportation, how did you get here?" I asked, noticing the discrepancy (and to avoid talking about the Slaughterhouse 9).
She shrugged again. "I genuinely have no idea. I was just wandering the cratered ruins that used to be the city like usual when, out of nowhere, I was engulfed in light. Then, well, you know the rest."

So that's still a mystery then, and unless the Think Tank finds something, it will likely stay that way…

"May I ask how long you have been a parahuman?" Armaster requested, which, if she has Crawler's power, can be really important. Doubly so with where she lived…

I shivered; that place would make Brockton Bay look downright peaceful.

"Since pretty much the beginning." She answered. "I got my powers in 87, 88, not completely sure." She shrugged. "Almost a year after they started exiling people there." Oh, she's really powerful then.

Wait, "How are you not sure what year you triggered!?" That really doesn't seem like the sort of thing you'd forget!

"...I have no idea wh-wait, is that what you call getting powers?" I nodded. "Huh, weird." She shrugged again. "I guess that's what happens when powers are actually a part of society; you all decide on a name instead of all calling it whatever." She theorized, though the reminder of how chaotic her life had to have been made me sad, "Anyway, it was around midwinter when I 'triggered', and with us being fairly out of touch with the world, and living in a completely lawless city, I rarely knew the exact date, even way back then." She explained spitefully.

"Anyway, at the time I was suffering from numerous wounds and injuries, being unlucky enough to live in the outskirts near where they were dropping people off at and so had been caught in the crossfire of probably dozens of fights by that point. Still, while my injuries were making existing a pain, and were dangerous should I be caught in a particularly brutal battle, they were more or less manageable."

"And you just lived like that?" Amy questioned.

She shrugged. "It's not like I had much of a choice; healing is rare even with them usually being considered untouchable by everyone else. The few doctors we knew about were a combination of too hard to get to, unaffordable, and too swamped with serious issues to help us."

"That wasn't serious enough for them!?" Amy exclaimed.

"It's not like I was incapable of taking care of myself or missing any parts." And that's what's required for you to actually seek medical attention!? "Besides, between an exotic injury or two and my Curse, it was all but impossible to fully heal me."

"Curse!?" What sort of parahuman thing is that!?

"Ah, mind control, ever-bleeding wounds, necrotic limbs that somehow don't kill you, stuff like that. If it had active effects that didn't go away naturally, weren't static like having a chunk of your flesh turned into glass, and couldn't be healed by standard powers or mundane surgery, it was a Curse." Oh, that makes sense.

"The fact that you were affected by something like that is horrifying."

"I guess?" She once again shrugged. "Anyway, at the time, I was wandering around the city looking for, well, anything, really, while brooding like the teenager I was, when I suddenly passed out. And when I woke up, I somehow had powers." She shrugged, as if telling us her literal trigger event (even as nondescript as she did) wasn't worth caring about! It obviously wasn't just your 'usual teenage brooding' if you triggered from it! What the fuck sort of life have you lived to end up like that!?

A reaction I'm not alone in having as literally every other parahuman here is also shocked at her casual retelling of the worst day of her life.

"Anyway, after gaining powers, I returned 'home' but was promptly disowned for being a monster." She casually continued, as apparently everything got worse.

"That, annoyingly, was just the start of the pattern that would plague me for the next several years, though," Of course it was… "as with my mutated appearance, I couldn't avoid attention like everyone else." She paused upon seeing our confusion, so she explained. "You see, it's rare that actually know when someone has powers, so the 'reward' of attacking mundanes usually wasn't worth the risk. Adding in how supers would go around pretending to be mundane whenever they didn't want to deal with the bullshit going on, mundanes were usually left alone."

I'm sensing a but, there.

"Alas, despite the logic and how much basically everyone benefited from that engagement, that peace was notably fragile and came and went in waves; sometimes mundanes were safe, sometimes they were just prey, and sometimes they were threats, something not helped by the sheer number of criminals exiled with the parahumans." She sighed. "As such, how they were treated shifted, day by day, block by block, person by person, and learning how to tell was a matter of life and death for basically everyone that wasn't me." She grumbled.

"Stupid people, always attacking me just for being there, feeling that my mere presence meant that I was obviously trying to take over their territory or that I somehow owned the land I walked on that they wanted for some stupid reason, so of course they had to remove me to get it, and, ugh, it was so annoying! Seriously," she vented, "the constant attacks that never let me have a proper break or even a semblance of peace would have killed or driven anyone else mad! I just wanted to be left alone; is that too much to ask? Apparently so, as people, just, kept, attacking, me. And while that technically helped me grow enough to actually survive once I eventually attracted the attention of some big shots, it, was, Hell."

And her life story getting worse somehow continues!

"Huh, you're basically the complete opposite of Crawler; he finds fights where fights find you. Though I guess even he wouldn't have survived long if he picked fights with anyone and everyone." Is the only thing I can really comment on. Everything else is just, too much.

Shethought about that for a moment. "No… he would not have." She then had a realization. "I guess that explains why I got this power, though, I'd actually survive having them." She concluded with a shrug.

"You are remarkably calm and… indifferent, about your current situation." Armsmaster couldn't help but comment what we've all been thinking. Even her venting was tame for what she went through.

"It's not like I ever really had any control over my life." She confessed. "Fretting over it would just tire me out excessively. It's been over two decades, after all; I'd have to be insane to keep worrying about every little thing that happens to me."

"That's pretty depressing." I point out.

She shrugs. "It is what it is."

Chapter Text

Waking up to the sun assaulting your eyes wasn't fun, especially when you specifically keep your blinds closed to prevent exactly that!

As I groggily woke up to deal with that annoyance, I found another, much, much bigger problem; I was not laying on my rather springy mattress, I was apparently laying on some fucking grass!

Properly awake and panicking now that I'm obviously not in my room, I quickly got up to look around.

Oh fuck, I'm in a forest, which is really concerning since there aren't forests anywhere near where I live, especially one like this!!

Where the fuck am I!?!?!?

And likely more importantly, how the hell did I get here? Like, if I were just outside my house, I guess I could accept it as a prank or something. Not that anyone I know would do something like that, but it would at least be possible.

Not this, though, definitely not this...

No, this, this might be bad. This might be really bad.

Like, literally transported to another world, bad. Which, while completely insane, is somehow the most likely explanation.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Like seriously, how the actual fuck could this happen otherwise!? Extreme drug trip? Coma dream?? Government experiment!?!? A god damn Alien abduction!?!?!?

Ridiculous.

Just like my situation...

Haa, whatever, I guess. And while I'd be more than willing to sit here and panic normally, that would not help my situation any. So, it's time to put my big girl pants on and actually do something. What, I don't know, but basically anything has to be better than just sitting here wallowing in fear and desperation.

Right?

Besides, predators are just as likely to find me here as they are with me traveling, and looking around at least has a chance of finding civilization, or at least some shelter, since that's the thing that'll really kill you when out in the wilderness, not a lack of water or food, despite what people seem to think.

At least, according to what the internet tells me...

I am so fucked.

Anyway! I am luckily wearing proper clothes, jacket and shoes included, instead of my regular sleepwear, as while not particularly revealing or anything, they are certainly not fit for forest travel. Jeans, however, are!

Take on that, Jamey! Wearing jeans to sleep has just saved the day!

Though I distinctly remember wearing pajamas when I went to bed...

Not important right now! So, off I go, in, well, that direction, I guess. Not like it really matters...

Hopefully.

…

Wait, if I'm in my clothes, does that mean I have my phone?

…

Huh, I do. Not that it matters, as I have absolutely no signal. Haa, what was the point of giving me this if I can't even use it?

______

Otherworldly Status Log #1

Well, so far, my journey, if you can call it that, has been pretty uneventful. Which is good; don't get me wrong, but it's also rather boring. Something that could turn into a serious problem in the long term, so let's hope I find some people soon.

And luckily for my inexperienced fraying mind, sanity, patience, and so on, I finally found something: A random sword stabbed into the fucking rocks that reminds me of the master sword in BotW, just with a different sword (sadly, that'd definitely tell me where I was). One in a weird sheath (which makes its position even more insane) and has a tassel thing so large it looks more like a scarf attached to its handle.

Also like the master sword, this one looks like it hasn't been touched in years, yet still seems perfectly pristine.

Hmmm, well, I might as well take it with me, should it actually be a sword and not some sort of prop or statue, since even without any sort of training, I'd rather not be completely defenseless in this random unknown forest. Wouldn't want to be killed by some random goblins or something, you know?

And even if I'm not in some fantasy world and don't need to defend myself from actual fucking goblins or something, mundane wolves are more than dangerous enough.

Not that having a sword would really increase my survival odds all that much, since I am about as novice as you can get. Like, I might actually die if a housecat was determined enough, but hey, at least with this I'd have a chance! A small one, yes, but far more than I had before.

…

Anyway, I can worry about the feasibility of defending myself later; I need to be able to physically use it first.

Which turned out to be a rather easy task, surprisingly enough, the sword just sliding out of the rock as if it were just another sheath instead of solid fucking stone!

Haa, whatever. Other worlds will do as they will.

Still, an insane sword needs an equally impressive name, so, "I name you, uh, Balmung, the dragon slayer sword!" God I'm such a chunni…

Anyway, since there are no signs of civilization here other than the sword (which, now that I think about it, is probably a really good sign), it's time to move on to hopefully find whoever put it here.

They shouldn't be too far, right? After all, who would go out of their way to intentionally leave a sword somewhere if it wasn't at least relatively nearby?

…

You know how I grabbed the sword just in case I needed to defend myself? Yeah, it's just my luck that my paranoia would be proven right, as something just jumped out of the annoyingly tall grass.

And- what the fuck is that thing! Is that a fucking bear cub!! With a beaver's face??

"Bidoof!" Did it just fucking speak!?!?!?!? What the hell sort of world has tailless beavers that speak??

And then starts glowing and charges at me, forcing me to frantically leap out of the way. Because, of course, it can use fucking magic, why wouldn't it?

Fuck my life, let's hope I get real lucky with my sword, which doesn't want to be drawn!!

Oh, I am so fucked.

Well, I may be screwed, but that doesn't mean I'm going to just lay down and accept my fate! If I'm going down, I'm going to make it hurt! Taste my (sheathed) blade, Foul Beast!

"Oh fuck, that did fuck all…" I didn't think it would do much, but I thought it would at least cause it to flinch or something, not just shrug it off before charging at me again!

Haa, whatever. Since I don't have any other options, I went to swing again.

Only, right before I could I noticed that, miraculously, it seems my previous attack unstuck my sword!

"Oh, it is on!" I roar, before frantically dodging another attack.

Okay, lesson learned: no talking during battle.

Anyway, the next time it charged me, I swung the sword as I dodged, adding more support than in my last attempt with newfound confidence and success—OW!

Okay, I guess the magic aura thing actually does do something, as it felt like I just hit a brick wall. At least the weird bear thing was also damaged; I'd have cried otherwise.

I am also very happy I didn't try to stab it, as I'd definitely be dead now…

Whatever, it's coming back for another attack, so I just do the same thing again.

However, now that I can (more or less) fight back, it seemed to realize that just blindly charging at me wasn't going to work. Though, for some mind-boggling reason, it decided to growl at me?? Like, the magic soundwaves were pretty scary, I will admit, so if they'd started with that, I would have been more than willing to run away and leave them alone, but no, they did it after their attacks proved usl- ineffective (I have not doubt what it'd do to me if I actually got hit), so of course it accomplished nothing.

And then the stupid thing had the gal to be fucking shocked when I ignored it and just attacked like usual.

After that failure, it tried rolling up in a ball, but I just kicked it, which I briefly regretted the instant I fucking tried cuz come on! There's no way that could have worked. But somehow it did, launching the fucker a whole foot and most importantly interrupting whatever it was trying to do.

It obviously didn't try any of those again.

Which apparently just left it charging at me like an NPC or some shit, completely unable to change or adapt.

Or run away.

What the hell sort of world did I end up in!?


Eventually, though, I somehow won, which leaves me with a, well, a choice: What do I do with it now?

Like, I feel I'd be perfectly justified in killing it, and that's probably the correct thing to do, but...

But it talked. Yeah, it was only one word that it kept repeating for some insane reason, and it might just be repeating something someone else said like a parrot or something, but there's a chance, a chance that it's properly, uh, sophant? The thing above sapient. And, well, if it is, I don't think I could kill it. Or at least doing so would scar me for years and years once I found that out.

Haa, what do I do—"BIDOOF!" Clang. "AHH!"

Another one fucking ambushed me from the bushes!!

Fuck! I charged it in desperation, quickly shoving my sword into its eye as it was distracted, hopefully, killing it instantly.

Fuck fuck, FUCK! It got my eye! I can't see!!

Fuck, I , I need to stop the bleeding, fuck, I'm going to die, FUCK!!

Before I could deal with that though, I remembered the other one. FUCK! I can't leave it there; it'll kill me like that last one almost did if I hadn't stopped the fucking airslash it launched at me.

One that went around my sword or some bullshit since it still got my eye!

Fuck, I hope I'm fine, just, just a flesh wound. A really bloody one...

Haa, fuck. "I'm sorry, little guy; I didn't want to do this, but your friend took away that option. I'm so, so sorry." I apologized before finishing it off, trying to ignore the eerily human look of despair it gave me as I did.

Ah, I want to cry... But no, I need to stop my bleeding now.

So, I quickly strip off my jacket and t-shirt before cutting it with my sword to make a makeshift bandage, which I quickly put on rather crudely, considering I've only seen it done in movies and manga and such before.

Haa, hopefully that's good enough; injuries can be downright lethal out in the wilderness if you're not careful. Which… Fuck, I hope doesn't get infected; that'd just… suck, man. After all that, dying to a fucking infection would be depressing.

Not like there's anything I can do about that, though; there's not even a water source to clean the wound with.

That done, I collapsed to the ground in exhaustion as my adrenaline quit flowing, and fuuuck does everything hurt!

Especially my now bare back! Haa, why didn't I have the presence of mind to put my jacket back on before laying down on a bunch of grass and rocks? My skin was not made to withstand such abuse! Alas, I am way too exhausted to fix that right now…

…

I almost died.

I really, quite literally, almost died, just murdered for fucking existing or some other bullshit, as if I didn't fucking matter.

And because of that, I'm now a killer, a fucking murderer!

WHY! Why did you attack me!! Why didn't you run away? It didn't have to be this way!

It didn't have to be this way…

Chapter Text

Well, this is it. The 'big' day.

The big fuckoff interview/conference/I-don't-give-a-fuck thing that basically everyone who's anyone is attending that's going to be broadcast throughout the entire fucking planet!

Because I killed an Endbringer.

Did I mention that? Probably, but even as the fucking one that did it, it doesn't feel real.

Maybe I'm in shock?

…

*Shrugs, not like it matters.

Anyway, as a, possibly depressed, introvert, I should be terrified of what's coming.

Should be.

But no, I've long run out of shits to give, hence the whole killed Leviathan thing.

And while I'd normally ask how I got here or something, I've spent way too fucking long doing that already.

Haa, whatever, it's time to begin. Don't bother wishing me luck; there isn't enough of it left in this accursed world to help me now.

"And now, for the one you've all been waiting for, introducing Brockten Bay's very own Endslayer: Weakpoint!" Fucking Legend announced as I walked on stage. Who was, of course, here, along with the rest of the trio, as well as a few other, presumably important, people that I didn't care about.

Especially when I have my worst fucking nightmare right in front of me, and I say that after looking Leviathan in the fucking eyes as I shot him. Fucking extroverts, how do any of you stand this!?

(Why do any of you want this…)

"Hello, it is me." I greeted after the excessive applause stopped, completely ignoring the stupid script the idiots gave me, but it's far too late to stop me now! "I wish I wasn't, but what else is new?" I shrugged, absolutely silencing the poor audience. But as that one guy said in that Aleph movie I was forced to watch (but did actually enjoy, surprisingly), I'm not trapped in here with you; you're trapped in here with me!

"Leviathan, the big fish fucker, is dead. Which means you all are stuck listening to me for the next hour or so! And, boy, do I have a lot to fucking say." I smirked maliciously, getting side-eyes and whatnot from my 'guests' or whatever you call the idiots standing with me.

But, as you know, I'm capital 'I' Important now; they physically can't stop me!

Not on live television.

"And so, I have a request to make. I need your help." I declare sincerely, and actually get eager looks and stuff. Heh, would you look at that? People can help me. All it took was killing fucking Leviathan, no biggie!

Haa. Anyway. "You see, I quit." I declared, pointing at fucking Alexandria. "I know I'm not allowed to, but I don't care; I hate the Wards." That's right, I'm a fucking minor. "I, sincerely, fucking detest it." I then looked back towards the crowd and cameras. "Seriously, it is, like, the absolutely last job I'd ever want."

I took a deep breath. "You see, I, am an introvert. And you know what the 'Hero's', and don't get me started on that bullshit. Heroism is a fucking ideal, something to strive for. It's something given, earned, not a fucking job description, you narcissistic, self-centered morons." I complained while pounding the podium thing, something I imagine I'll do a lot today.

Another deep breath. "Anyway, a 'Hero's' primary fucking job is, to, talk, to, peo, ple! Be nice and friendly and insincere and pretend that you're actually a decent person that's better than everyone else, and I hated every fucking second of it." I gripped the podium thing in frustration. "Like, come on! I am the sort of person that was legitimately afraid of getting a job as a fucking cashier or something. It literally gave me fucking anxiety!" Another deep breath. "So being forced into a job where that's the literal job description? Fucking, Hell. And the other half of the equation? Combat? Even fucking worse!" I spread out my arms like I had a point. "So yeah, joining the Wards was just the last thing I'd ever wanted to do."

I then glared at everyone to make sure they knew I was angry or some shit. I don't know; I haven't used my brain since Levi fucking died. "Sadly, I didn't have a choice. You see, I made the monumentally stupid mistake of telling my parents about my power after I triggered, which, you know, is commonly seen as the worst day of your life. Newsflash, it can get so much worse if you join the wArds!" My voice fucking cracked!! Holy shit, that's hilarious. I hope everyone watching is laughing; I know I am! And if it sounds more pained than entertained, well, stop judging me! I killed Leviathan; I can laugh however the hell I want!

And hey, it looks like my 'companions' are trying to stop me from killing recruitment for their sadistic program. Can't have that! "So yeah, there I was, letting my heart out to my parents, who I naively thought I could trust at the time, and oh boy, was I wrong, telling them about the horrible thing that happened, and, well, it worked out!"

I paused to revel in the confusion. "What? Did you think something bad was going to happen?" I laughed. "Nope! My parents were great! They comforted me, listened, told me they'd do everything they could to help me, and lied to my fucking face!" Huh, I wonder if they're watching this? Or even in the fucking audience!

Eh, who cares? They're dead to me anyway.

"You see, after our very stressful conversation where I confessed all of my problems, I went to bed feeling far better than before, having hope in my stride as I thought, 'Things will get better now!'" I laughed. "Wrong! Oh, how foolish I was." I shook my head as if it was a fond memory or some shit. "You see, when I got up the next morning, there was someone waiting for me. And I'm sure you know where I'm heading." I paused for effect. "That's right! One of the idiots who pretends they're a Hero was there." I clapped.

"You see, apparently right after I went to bed, my owners decided that, instead of even fucking trying to help me, they'd just sell me off to the government! Without, fucking, pause, I now, without my consent, was being fucking conscripted. Yup, that's right, my parents thought helping me was too much work, so they sold me off!" I then remembered a thought I had a while ago. "Oh, by the way, the Wards are not a child soldier organization. For you see, soldiers actually get things done." And the Wards definitely don't. "No, the government went old school; it's a child gladiator organization! To better entertain their 'betters', you see." I 'informed' simply, likely causing my handlers heaps of stress.

"Anyway, long story short, I hate it and want out. But! I have, like, a 'contract,'" I made sure to do the finger quotation thing, "so that's why I need your help. Like, I would do it myself, but I have no money." I declared simply. "The government took it all." Because of course they did… "Which fucking sucks since that means I can't hire people to kill the Slaughterhouse 9 for me, which means when they come for me, and I do mean when, they can't leave me alone as the sheer hope my mere existence creates is completely antithetical to their fucking everything, and the government obviously can't protect me as proven by the fact the idiots are still around despite having literal decades to deal with them. Not to mention how even after they killed Hero the rest of the Trio let them be!" And judging by the sound I just heard, that hit a nerve.

Hmm, I wonder if I can get one of them to snap on camera? That'd probably do more damage to them than the rest of my interview combined.

"So yeah, I'm inevitably going to be tortured until I break and join them, which won't take long, but that's 'boring,' and 'anticlimactic,' so they'd keep going, and then I'll shut down, and they'll get annoyed and probably find out some way to fix me, which would normally be a miracle, but it's the Nine and." I forced myself not to cry. "And there's nothing I can do about it as fucking Jack Slash LITERALLY can't be defeated by parahumans as that is LITERALLY his power and, and that's just not faair!!" I whined like a big, pathetic, baby. On live television, even! Man, if I wasn't already certain that I was going to completely tank my reputation with this whole thing, I would have been mortified!

Luckily, before I could start moping about my inevitable torture again, someone, I genuinely don't know (nor care) who, asked, "What do you mean he 'literally can't be defeated by parahumans'?"

"Ah, so, my power, as you all probably fucking know, is the ability to find the weakness of apparently fucking anything and, slowly, oh so slowly, make a weapon that targets that weakness. What you don't know is that I don't have to make a weapon when I use it, which then allows me to instead learn what said weakness is!" Though admittedly a majority of the time I just get nonsense and have to try again, "And even better, it also works through pictures and stuff, though at an even slower rate." I explained, which, as seen from the surprise of everyone, shows that I was successful at hiding that aspect of my powers, since fuck you!

"Anyway, since wallowing in misery just makes me even more depressed, I decided to pretend to be productive by intensely staring at pictures of the most horrific villains in the world to see how my power would react." I honestly thought it would just create a flamethrower or something. "And lo and behold, apparently sending me out to fight giant mutant dogs and the plagues of Egypt and then docking my already meager pay when the cowardly almost pacifist doesn't combat good is fucking stupid!" Yeah, I realize now that I might, might, have been able to get out of combat by joining the Think Tank or something, but A, I doubt that would have actually worked with how desperate the government is for combatants despite doing everything they could to make enemies, and B, FUCK THE PROTECTORATE!

Ahem, "Anyway, my power told me Jack's slashing thing is just a secondary aspect, with his actual power being a Trump Thinker Master bullshit power that, through a combination of telling him what parahumans are going to do, stopping them from properly targeting him, and whatever else the useless fuck needs to not die like the pathetic bitch he is, effectively gave him literal fucking plot armor!" I pounded the podium in annoyance. "Like, did you really think he was just that charismatic and skilled that he could not only escape everything thrown at him but convince people to abandon everything to become a mass murderer? One that will inevitably just die like the rest, sometimes by jumping in the way of an attack to save him?" I looked towards my audience.

"NO! The fucker's a cheating cheater that cheats using his power to 'persuade' people to join him and avoid his deserved death! The idiot's a complete hack! It is, quite literally, the strongest power excluding exclusively fucking Scion's! His power even works on the fucking Endbringers! Immune to Trumps, Thinkers, and Masters, my ass." I tsked, ignoring the shocked reactions from basically everyone.

"His power is so stupid." I sighed. "It's honestly as if his power was designed by a depressed teenager who wanted his OC to be so cool and amazing and, BLEGH, and ended up writing a story with plot armor so overt that all their readers considered it a literal power, except he's actually real. Fuck us, I guess, but what else is new? Freaking Earth Bet…" I sighed. "So yeah, he's literally unbeatable." I then made sure my everything was super serious. "For parahumans."

"You see! His power only works on parahumans!" I smiled. "He can be killed by mundane people just fine! Of course, because the Protectorate all but declared normal people useless against paras despite the fact that a vast majority of them, myself included, are just as vulnerable to guns as normal." You know, this interview is going to cause a lot of problems, huh…

Whatever, fuck the Protectorate!

"Anyway, if the government wasn't so obsessed with the comic book 'Heroes vs. Villains' nonsense, he'd probably be dead by now. Once again, it's all the government's fault." I shook my head in disappointment. "Sadly, we live on Earth Bet, so Jacky had the time to Master himself a pet Tinker that could make him, well, mostly bulletproof. Which, when you add in the projection that is the Siberian, makes killing him all but impossible." I sighed. I'm gonna die because of these fuckers, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Not with the government screwing me over, anyway.

"But that's not important right now!" I declared, completely shutting down any of their (probably actually important and reasonable) inquiries. Today isn't about Jack Slash, though, it's about Leviathan!

So, "Let's move on to the part you actually came here to listen to: how I killed Leviathan!" I announced while spreading my arms out, almost hitting Alexandria who looked like she really wanted me to continue talking about Jack, but fuck you, this is my show!

"So, you might be asking yourselves what sort of 'bravery' and 'heroism' I drew upon to kill the beast? The answer: None! I didn't chase him down like my life depended on it for justice, or to save people, no, I did it because I, did, not, care. I did not care! About what you ask?" I pointed two thumbs inwards. "Myself, that's what! You see, I didn't expect to kill him in that amazingly picturesque video of me looking him in the eyes while I blast his heart out. No, I was expecting to hurt him, hopefully taking of his arm or something, before being killed in return so that the Protectorate would bitch and moan about wasted potential and whatnot!" I declared with a smile, getting even more shocked gasps. Man, being able to constantly surprise everyone is GREAT!

"By the way, it was, quite literally, a last minute decision to shift my aim from his arm to his chest, figuring: A, I could miss, and knowing my luck, I fucking would, and B, I might as well see just how much damage I ccould really do, you know? I wasn't going to live through his retaliatory attack anyway, why not go all out.And, well, you all saw the rest." I shrugged.

"I do find it funny how you can actually see my stupid fucking dumfounded expression in the last few frames of the public release when my attack miraculously made a big fuckoff hole in the fucker's chest, as apparantly nothing can ever go my way, even dying to fucking Leviathan, but whatever, it's probably better this way." I shrugged again, like an idiot.

Which I am, so why act like I'm not?

"Yeah, you heard me right, I expected to die. Why, I hear you ask?" Huh, a good bunch of them nodded. "Well you see, the Protectorate doesn't believe in therapists! Now, don't get me wrong, they do have them, they're just used in probably the stupidest way possible! AKA, they're fucking rotated! Which, if you know literally anything about therapy, is the absolute dumbest way to do it! And because of that, they end up being completely useless." Wait, no, that's not quite right. "Worse than useless, actually, since at least not having them doesn't teach people that therapy is useless! Uhg, I hate the Protectorate…"

Anyway, "Luckily, I've found an alternative." I smirked.

Chapter Text

"And that's you guys!" I spread my arms out welcomingly towards my poor 'captive' audience. "You see, because I killed the Big Bad Lizard Dude, you all are super duper interested in every worthless thing that comes ou of my mouf." I say, while opening my mouth wider with my fucking fingers. God, I'm an idiot… Anyway, "So take that, PRT, I got my own therapists! Now, buckle up, buckaroos, cuz you're in for a wild ride, as I ain't stopping until I drop!" or, you know, when the time block for this interview ends.

Either or.

"Now, it all began when I was a wee lass," I started. "Nah, I'm just messing with ya. It actually started with my Trigger Event. Now, I'm not going to tell you what it was; I may have run out of fucks to give, but it still completely ruined my life, so even thinking about it hurts. And while I did literally just say you all are going to be my therapists, actually, fully doing all that is a bit too much for me currently. Since, you know, the main reason therapy even works is trust, something that takes time to build." I admitted.

"Which is really just evidence that the PRT didn't want their therapy to actually work!" Someone then tried to deny that, but, "Shush! No lying allowed in therapy!" I turned back to my confused audience with a shake of my head. "See what I mean? It's like they're actively trying to screw us over. Which, when you look at how absolutely insane some of the nonsense they do is, might actually be the point."

Huh.

"Actually, you know what? That's probably exactly it. If your people are too stressed, broken, and/or traumatized to think clearly, they'll have a hard time opposing whatever nonsense you do. It all makes sense. It was all a ploy to sell more merchandise! What the fuck."

I just stared into space blankly, not able to comprehend my realization.

That, or I'm just more sleep-deprived or whatnot than I thought.

…

Eh, whatever.

Shaking out of my stupor, I continued. "Anyway, that's enough about the Protectorate and their never-ending sins," for now anyway. I'm probably going to keep bringing them up. "This day is about me, and I have plenty of stuff to talk about! Like," Uh, "how Shadow Stalker is a bitch in every way except sexual." Sure, that works.

And it gets Armsmaster to glare at me even harder, which is a plus.

"Now, you all kno—actually, you probably don't know who I'm talking about." Right, international audience, huh…

Well, whatever.

So with a shrug, I continued. "Right, anyway, she's a bitch." I nodded; that was very important. "Now, she used to be a vigilante, one that was decently effective, but was way too violent, having been taken in after almost killing someone by pinning them to a wall." I started, not caring that she'd absolutely make me pay if she could.

I'd like to see you try now, bitch!

Anyway, "Now, did he deserve that?" I shrugged, "Probably, but that's beside the point; she only fights people for her own amusement and satisfaction, 'justice' just being a convenient excuse, considering she believes she can just bully anyone 'weaker' than her. And, yeah, she somehow doesn't see how 'villainous' that is. Honestly, if she wasn't Black, I'm all but certain she would have joined the E88 since she already acts like a member, the Nazi wannabe. She's certainly got the inferiority complex that she ignores by putting others down so she feels 'strong,' just like them." She's probably even increasing their recruitment by acting like that…

"In addition, I've overheard her complaining to her friends about how she hates having to save 'sheep' who let themselves get mugged, thinking that fighting back makes you a 'survivor,' completely ignoring the fact that a lot of the time, all fighting back would do is get them a one-way trip to the morgue! Your wallet isn't worth your life, shithead."

"And, isn't there this whole thing about how if you meet a bear, you're supposed to play dead or something? People can't just fight a bear unarmed, after all, and running away isn't any better with how much faster they are than us." I thought out loud. "Not that I would play dead." I offered, getting nods as if they knew what I was implying, which they obviously didn't, since "yeah, if I met a bear, I'd just shoot myself in the head." Dead, silence. "I mean, being mauled to death sounds pretty painful, you know?"

Would you look at that? They somehow forgot I literally tried to commit suicide and failed.

Or maybe they thought the 'prestige' of killing Leviathan would have changed my mind? I mean, it kind of did, since as long as I'm freed from my forced servitude, I'm willing to at least give living another chance, if only so I can screw my tormentors over some more, admittedly.

Spite is one hell of a motivator, after all.

"She especially hates me, since not only am I a coward, I also won the one spar they forced us to do. Having a massive, crippling weakness to electricity would do that, you know? But yeah, the weakest thing my power would create was the Thunder Stick of Doom that, even weakened as much as I could, sent the annoying bitch straight to the ER, requiring us to ask for Panacea's assistance since even if she was quite likely to survive, she'd have been crippled for life." I casually explained. Which, surprisingly, seems to have actually gotten through to a few people.

"On the plus side, I didn't have to spar with the other Wards anymore!" I cheered. "Alas, our 'masters' didn't like that, since I was denying them their entertainment or something, and as such, everyone blamed me for it despite having almost no control over my power. Something everyone just ignores and blames me for instead, claiming I'm just being 'lazy' or 'difficult' and not that it's an inherent issue of my power like a sane person. But as we've already discussed, sanity doesn't exist; it's been taken out back and shot." Because I obviously chose to have the most violent power in existence…

"Anyway, the important thing to know is that Shadow Stalker is on probation, which should mean more strict rules and punishments, but apparently Piggot doesn't care about that and just lets her do whatever since she's moderately effective." I sighed. "Like, why is it that she gets punished with console duty when I just get more PR bullshit! She hates that shit more than I do somehow; why am I the one punished with it!? She's not the one legitimately debating shooting herself in the head to get out of it!"

Actually, that might have been better at screwing over the PRT than dying to Leviathan. I'd just have to make a confession like I'm kinda doing now first, maybe add in a PHO post to make sure it spread, and boom, chaos.

Well, looks like I know what I'm doing if they don't let me go!

"Speaking of Piggot, she's also an idiot." You know, it's probably for the best that she's not here; her having a stroke or something would probably end this, and I doubt they'd let me on live TV ever again. "Like, I can understand being a bit of a hardass when the rest of the country has effectively abandoned the Bay while only giving us unuseful bullshit like the Rig, which really doesn't make much sense considering we're basically the staging ground for a foreign invasion via the Gesellschaft, and don't get me started on how the E88 is literally committing treason by working for, or at least as a front of, a foreign power that is trying to usurp control of a US city yet pretends to be 'for America,' since I can rant about that shit for hours."

"But I can't excuse how she treats the Wards she is, for some insane reason, despite definitely not being qualified for it, in charge of. Though I guess with the alternative being Armsmaster…" Oh, am I getting in the way of your ambitions? Maybe you should have done your job, then.

"Anyway, she believes basically everything that would help us is a waste of both time and money, even the things literally designed to help us out. Something not helped/which is made worse by how stupidly the PRT spends what funding they do have. Again, the Rig is an abomination, something that practically screams 'we're better than you!' to the entire city, yet is completely worthless. And that's not even getting to the all but Tinkertech elevators and such!"

Seriously, what the fuck? You complain about lacking funds, yet you waste money on that!?

"She also wants us to be soldiers despite the PR-T constantly yelling that we aren't. Like, she got mad at me for complaining about combat. Bitch, I didn't choose to join your shitty organization like a soldier would; I was sold like a slave! And then she has the audacity to get annoyed at Vista wanting to be a soldier, or at least an active combatant, the hypocrite."

I shook my head in disappointment.

"Then there's how she always ignores our complaints, as do the rest of the PRT and Protectorate, all being 'too busy' to deal with the Wards' 'petty grievances,' like, what the fuck? That's literally your job, you know?"

I sighed. Maybe you'd be less busy if you actually did what you were supposed to…

"Anyway, that's enough about her. Who should I complain about next…"

"You could not complain about your coworkers to the world?"

"Nah, the whole point of therapy is to deal with your problems, either by giving advice or coping methods and whatnot. Or something; I'm not a therapist, and I've never had a proper session." I explained.

"Anyway, the rest of the Wards are fine, if abused. Most of the Protectorate is fine as well. I only really have complaints about Miss Militia and Armsmaster, really. Complaining about my various petty annoyances would be, well, petty." Disagreements and whatnot are just an annoying part of life.

"For Armsmaster, he just doesn't care." I started. "About anything that isn't at least partially related to either Tinkering or advancing his ambitions. Anything that doesn't fit into those categories, he avoids as much as possible, usually by shoving it off to others, not realizing how much he's shooting himself in the foot in the process. Seriously, dude, being a leader is a lot of work; if you didn't want it to get in the way of your Tinkering, you shouldn't have taken the fucking job! Idiot." I shook my head and happened to catch him out of the corner of my eye, shocked stiff, forcibly not reacting to anything I just said.

"Anyway, he specifically dislikes anyone who isn't competent enough for him, like Kid Win and me, or isn't as determined and driven as he is, like Dauntless or, again, me." I looked to the crowd. "Yeah, we don't get along."

"And he's not even a good teacher!" I complained. "Considering he still hasn't found out what Kid Win's specialty is."

"And you did?" He scoffed.

"Well, probably? It seemed pretty obvious to me, anyway. It's, like, interchanging parts or something; I don't know the specifics."

"How do you figure?" He couldn't help asking despite his obvious disbelief.

"It's really obvious if you just look at what his power is trying to get him to do, you know? I mean, he even has the tech to teleport other pieces to him so he can adjust his tools for the job on the spot! Also, it's similar to mine, in a sense, constantly adjusting to best deal with whatever problem you find."

Mine's just a lot more violent, annoyingly…

"But yeah, him constantly making multiple interchangeable versions of the same part whenever he makes something practically screams that his power is about swapping out pieces to adjust for whatever task he has. AKA, just about the opposite of you shoving as many things as possible into one tool to deal with as many situations as possible, which… huh, maybe that's why you couldn't find it?" I questioned.

…

"Nah, that's just more reason why you should have discovered it, if only you'd actually paid him any attention."

Armsmaster just stood there in disbelief at my explanation.

"Now, anyone familiar with Miss Militia might be surprised that I don't like her. My reason being? She is too damn lawful, lacking independence and being incapable of compromise. Which, admittedly, are all good things for a soldier like she pretends to be, but it's a problem when the rules are fucking you. As such, I can't see her as anything but a kiss-ass." I complained.

"Not to mention she's the main one that thinks I should 'just make safer weapons.' No, I can't do that, as I keep telling everyone." I complained. "But nooo, it's obviously my fault my power specifically targets weaknesses, like the shitty name you gave me broadcasts! Seriously, what part of creating a gun that would completely incinerate Aegis so he can't adapt makes you think I'm just using a bit too much force!?!? My power only has two settings, bitch: lethal and potentially lethal, which only happens because I didn't give my power enough time to be certain!
"Even the Thinker option requires me to wait long enough that I could just turn towards my target and eliminate them directly first! Trying to do anything else, just, doesn't, work. If whatever it tries to create doesn't have at least a decent chance of killing my target, it literally won't let me do anything. The weakest weapon I've ever created, excluding when my target either has a specific weakness or is a bug or something," or myself… "was equivalent to a shotgun. My power is ludicrously lethal even at its weakest."

I took a calming breath.

"Also, just because Miss Militia put in the work to be accepted using guns doesn't mean I want to! Not that I should even have to; we're in fucking America, the land of guns; a Hero using one should be standard. For fuck's sake, the police have been using guns since forever! What the fuck is your guys' problem?"

I paused. "Or is there even one? Hmm, you know, it wouldn't surprise me if it was some loser PR guy who disliked guns and decided everyone else felt the same. Which is, like, the exact opposite mentality needed for that job, but whatever, it's not like the PRT is even remotely competent; I can see them hiring idiots like that."

I genuinely wouldn't be fucking surprised.

"Though, even if it were true somehow, any Blaster power is far scarier than any normal gun. Like, come on! Literally every Ward, excluding potentially Aegis, is scarier than a gun; that's why they fucking hired us."

I glared at the cameras to express my disappointment. "Grow up."

Chapter Text

"Anyway, I guess that's it for individuals I have a problem with." Wait, no, "out of the ones I've met, anyway." I amended. There is one person I've been wanting to give a piece of my mind to for a long time now.

So, "Legend, from the bottom of my heart, fuck you." He blinked in surprise. "Fuck you with a rusty cactus." Wait, no, that isn't a thing. God, I'm an idiot… fuck it! "You heard me; I'm not changing it."

"Uh, may I ask why?"

"It's because I'm gay," I confessed. And now he's even more confused, his ignorance showing just how little he cares.

Regardless, I turned to my eager audience. "Now, remember when I was complaining about Shadow Stalker? How she's basically a Nazi? Yeah, that's because they've been infesting this city since before I was born. Which is a problem, because, again, I am gay. And what's one of the things Nazis lynch people for being?" I paused like I was in a children's cartoon. "That's right, being gay.

"Now, you might be wondering, why would I hate Legend, then? Isn't he the poster child of being gay? And you'd be right; he is! He is also, more than powerful enough to have single-handedly taken out the entire group in, like, an hour. At most. Including travel times!"

"There were reasons!" He cried out.

"Bupupup," I shook my finger before pointing at him. "I don't care about your worthless excuses, and neither do those that died because, of, you." I declared, stunning him with my sheer vitriol. "Because what you might not realize is that when you started going around declaring that being gay was fine, others followed suit!" Because why wouldn't they? A literal superhero, and not just some nobody but one of the absolute strongest, was supporting them!

"Alas, while in most places that was probably fine, we have actual fucking Nazis here! So, guess what happened next. That's right, they were lynched! Or worse! Well, some of them, at least. Luckily, the E88 isn't nearly widespread enough to get everyone, not for a lack of trying, nor is that much of a comfort! Not when the Nazis are free to commit whatever atrocities they want, something they're quite famous for, by the way!" I pointed out.

I sighed. "So yeah, there's a reason I've never told anyone about me being gay before. And, like, I doubt joining the Wards was good enough to protect me. Since, you know, over a dozen Wards have been kidnapped as literal sex slaves by the Fallen and abandoned to their fates, so why would the E88 be any different, right!?" I frantically argued.

"So is it any wonder that I've literally spent nights crying myself to sleep? Spent days praying I was mistaken, that I could change, that I could just be normal, as wrong and horrific as that thought is? And while I know there's nothing wrong with being gay, it never felt true." I explained. "Because we have literal wannabe Nazis, supported by potentially actual, still-living Nazis from Germany, who somehow control half the city and literally go around lynching gay people for having the 'audacity' to exist. And they targeted a bunch of other traits, too, since, as I've said, they're all a bunch of loser babies that are too worthless to try and build themselves up, deluding themselves into thinking they'll acquire any self-worth if they bring others down and pretend they're somehow better than everyone else. It's absolutely pathetic, but what else is new?" I shrugged helplessly.

"So yeah, fuck you, Legend, for declaring that being gay is fine then not being willing to spend ten whole minutes to remove the Nazis that have been here for literal decades, getting a bunch of them killed! Like, what the fuck, man? You probably did more harm to the gays of this city with that stunt than the E88 did since its founding!" I accused. "Legend? More like legendarily bad!"

…

Haaaa, that was probably the stupidest thing I've ever said! Why did I say that!? Am I fucking five!?

Ugh, pretending I didn't just humiliate myself in a way that will be immortalized for the rest of human history, I checked on Legend, who appeared to be crossed between being pained, furious, and probably a whole bunch of other stuff at my accusation. Tough luck, shitbag, I'm out of fucks to give.

Hmm, you know, now that I've pissed off two of the Triumvirate, I wonder if I can do the same with the third? The one who seemingly annoys my power, since every time he swaps out one of his powers, mine has to adjust in turn, usually over and over, never quite getting enough data or whatever it needs for it to manifest (though part of that is definitely because using it through pictures is a lot slower). It does mean I can sort of know what powers he currently has, even through old pictures, which is pretty interesting, if not particularly useful.

Oh yeah, I do fairly regularly use my power on pictures of a whole bunch of different Heroes and Villains. Never thought to check if it worked on the Endbringers, though, which was apparently a mistake! Who would have thought?

Not me…

That does make me wonder, however: can my power work on Scion?

Hmm…

Eh, might as well check; I've got nothing to lose but some time. It's not like he's some sort of threat or anything, after all.

Anyway, back to Eidolon and how to annoy him.

If I haven't done so already, that is.

He was a bit curt with me when we briefly met earlier (I think; I was all but in shock at the time, so I can't be sure), and I can't imagine anything else I've done would have improved his opinion of me.

Huh. Yeah, he probably already hates me, and may very well be grinding his teeth behind his mask as I speak.

So, task completed?

Anyway, that's enough thinking. I probably already seem dumb enough as it is; I don't need to add to it by just standing here like an idiot. But what to talk about…

Oh, I just remembered something: "Speaking of the Fallen, they're also going to be targeting me, since, you know, I killed one of their gods. And, of course, the Protectorate will be just as 'incapable' of protecting me from them as they will be against the Nine."

Wait a second…

"Or, you know, maybe they'll both attack me at the same time and wipe each other out!" I clapped. "That'd almost be interesting to witness. If, you know, I wasn't going to be at the very center of it." I gritted out.

Because fuck me, right?

"Still, regardless of whether they'll get here separately or with the Nine, they're definitely coming. Honestly, I'm pretty sure the only reason the Fallen aren't already here, if they actually aren't yet," because, let's be honest, they probably are and are just waiting around for some horrific reason, "is because they want to make sure they've gathered as many of their sick fucks as possible so they could all get their revenge on me. And it'd be just my luck that they wouldn't be satisfied with just killing and torturing me. No, they're probably going to kidnap me for their disgusting farm." I speculated in disgust.

Which will be soo fuuun when it happens…

Maybe I should kill myself. It's not like there's any chance of my life getting any better, but it sure as hell can get worse!

So much worse…

Haa, something to think about later; right now it's time to spite my enemies!

"So, as you can probably tell, I am absolutely disgusted that Eidolon and his buddies haven't atomized the pests yet, but what else should we expect? The Heroes are never there for those that need them; no, they only help those that can afford them, like the useless rich fucks sitting in their ivory towers, while us peasants have to be satisfied with their scraps!" I pounded the podium.

Sadly, none of my yelling and complaining will be enough to get the lazy fucks to get off their asses to fucking delete the Fallen; it's hard to get a better casus belli than kidnapping Wards, children, as literal sex slaves. Like, even the soccer moms that hate the idea of a Hero ever taking a life would probably accept Eidolon just slaughtering them all; that's how bad the Fallen are!

Haa, whatever, at least I pissed off Eidolon if I hadn't before…

Anyway, some people denied it, yadda yadda, but I ignored their nonsense like the rest of the times they've started spouting their bullshit.

So, who to complain about next… Ah! "Speaking of people sitting in ivory towers and not helping: the Youth Guard." I decided. "Fuck the Youth Guard," I repeated since it was important. "That's a sentiment mirrored by an alarmingly large majority of the Wards, with even those who've benefited from their involvement usually knowing that they are the exception, not the norm."

I shook my head. "Seriously, how did a group specifically made to protect children become one of their primary enemies, only overshadowed by the idiots in the PR division?" I asked, genuinely confused.

"Like, what the fuck? In what world is putting someone back with their abusers even remotely a good idea? That's the sort of thing that makes me wonder if you people were used as a basketball as a baby. I just, I don't understand how you could be that stupid. Like, maybe I could have fixed things with my family if things had gone better and I was given proper support. I seriously doubt it, but it was technically possible. But with families that directly caused someone's Trigger? Fuck. No. There's no way in hell that would ever happen, and anyone who believes otherwise is a delusional idiot. While being optimistic is all well and good, at least try to be realistic with your ideas." I shook my head sadly. I wish it weren't the case, but that's just how life is on dear old Bet.

"And that's just one example of their incompetence; they've done oh so much more, like the time they made a couple of Case 53s homeless for a few days after banning their entry to the PRT Headquarters because they felt the Wards were spending too much time there, but we'd be here all day if I tried to list everything they've done wrong." I suppressed a sigh; looking up what the Youth Guard's done in hopes of them somehow fixing any of my problems just made me feel more depressed…

Anyway, "But one thing that definitely needs to be talked about is just how much money the organization is pocketing, with the big boss themself making a whole one point seven million dollars last year alone, with several others being awarded similar amounts for their 'great' work." I scoffed. Though I will privately admit that they pocket far less of their funding than I thought they would, so they're not just some way to scam the government. No, they're just incompetent, which is more than enough for me to be a bit, misleading, with my accusations. Enough to hopefully have them audited or something to hopefully force them to do better as a final gift to my fellow sufferers before my inevitable demise.

Speaking of helping them out, "Now, I can't talk about the Youth Guard without bringing up us Wards' true enemy, the PR Division." I carried on. "So, first things first, what the fuck's up with the costumes you design? Why do you let Wards wander around in things like this!?" I gestured at myself, "Why the focus on my body and its shape!? Yeah, a whole bunch of people my age wear more risqué stuff, but I'm self-conscious, so being paraded around in form-fitting latex is a literal nightmare scenario! And the bullseye drawing attention to my chest really doesn't help with that!" And it's really uncreative, too.

Seriously, though, I hate my costume; it feels demeaning, and the stares and attention this costume gets me are extremely embarrassing, something not helped by the fact that I'm annoyingly attractive, aka not particularly, but exercise and a proper diet go a long way to escape simple meritocracy, turning me from quite average to rather decent even before I'm plastered with makeup, and I hate it.

Not to mention how the whole thing really makes me wonder if the PR Division is just stocked full of pervs…

"And still being too shocked by my family's betrayal when they called me in to 'help' design the costume to comprehend the horror, let alone protest it, is something I regret every time I put this stupid thing on." Which, let me tell you, was just great for my ever-building stress." I sighed. And I can't tell if now being used to it is actually any better…

"And, yeah, I know it's part of our 'culture,' but it's culture based off of literal comic books. Comic books that were made to be fan-servicey! And you idiots just copied it directly!" I complained. "I'm supposed to be a Hero, but it feels like I'm instead participating in a child beauty pageant whenever I go out on one of your stupid patrols! Makes me wonder if you hired the same sort of people." *shivers* "What the hell, guys. I understand wanting good PR, but… is that really what you want people to associate you with? Those creeps?"

I paused.

"Huh, maybe that's why you guys never rescued any Wards from the Fallen."

"No it's not!" Someone shouted, and while I'd normally just ignore them (as I'd been doing wherever anyone else tried), fuck you. The whole point of the Wards is that it's supposed to be safe, you know? At least, that's the lie they tell parents to get them to enlist their kids.

So, "Oh, really? Then why did you abandon them to their fate then, huh? And don't give me the not having the time or power to do so; they've been a problem for years, and you have the fucking Triumvirate exactly for things like that. Besides, those freaks have directly allied themselves with the Endbringers, and while I normally don't care what you worship, actually committing atrocities like kidnapping children for your sick breeding farms is way too far! They are beyond simple terrorists; they're actively trying to subvert the US's power! Why the fuck haven't you gotten rid of them yet!?" I shouted.

"I can understand leaving the Gesellschaft, Yangban, and a few others alone despite their actions because they are based in foreign governments, but the Fallen? They are a completely American problem, and you fucks have chosen to look the other way. Again, that makes me suspicious that the PRT and Protectorate might actually approve of them!"

"We don't!"

"And, I, don't, believe, you."

Apparently, that was enough for someone to decide I'd done enough and it was time to call off the interview, image be damned. Well, we can't have that now, can we?

So I did the only thing I could: I activated my power.

Chapter Text

It was a crisp day as usual in Brockton Bay; spring was in full swing, and while there weren't a lot of people coming in for ice cream at two in the afternoon on a Wednesday, Tom felt that the store was doing fairly well for itself.

Alas, in Brockton Bay, such peaceful times are fleeting at best, and so something was bound to break it before long.

And for poor Tom, today was that day, as dozens of parahumans suddenly walked into the store. And while they didn't just start destroying and ransacking the place, their locking down of the location may very well have been worse. At least they didn't hurt or even harass any of the customers (yet, a dark part of him thought).

Resigned to his fate, Tom decided to at least get a good look at them.

They were a collection of buff anthropomorphic animals of various types, all wearing identical suits and equipment similar to what Tom would expect the secret service to have (them whispering into obvious earpieces certainly helped that comparison), meaning they likely aren't some nobodies that got powers and decided to make the common man's life worse on a whim; this was planned.

Before Tom could further question (i.e., dread) what that meant for everyone there, he noticed one of them had an actual red carpet that they rolled out before all lining up on either side and bowing as if a mafia boss was about to enter.

…

Was a mafia boss about to enter?

Before Tom could comprehend the mafia coming to some random ice cream store (or even the Bay, considering they'd been destroyed after Marquis was captured), the limo outside (that Tom only now just noticed) was opened by the most stereotypical British butler he'd ever seen (he even has a monocle!), revealing a, little (well, preteen is probably more accurate) girl?

The girl was wearing a steriotypical schoolgirl outfit if it was made for royalty, jewels and tiara included (though the lifelike monochrome beetle brooch attached to her jabot was pretty odd). Her most striking feature, outside of her shoulder-length blonde ringlet hair, however, was her lack of mask.

'Crap, that can't be good.' Tom thought to himself, remembering the various news stories about how parahumans reacted to their identity being revealed.

And as she imperiously (for a child) walked across her red carpet right up to him, Tom was sad that this was how he was going to die, by some little girl who forgot to put on her mask and panicked. Not the E88 (Tom's grandmother is Hispanic), not in one of Lung's rampages. Not even because some upstart started a gang war.

No, Tom was going to die from a child's mistake.

"I," she started, puffing up her chest grandly (again, for a child), "am Princess RainbowSparkle, noble scion and true heir to the greatest family to ever exist. As well as the soon-to-be greatest Villainess of all time!"

Oh, and she's declared herself a Villain. Tom truly felt this couldn't get any worse.

"And you, my good sir, have the great honor of being my first victim!" she declared while pointing at him. And it appears that Tom was wrong.

"So behold, my first robbery," she continued as Tom was cursing his fate, "but not for money, no, I have more than enough of that," she whispered, "for I am a true Princess! No, I am here, For Ice Cream!" She shouted towards the poor cashier.

"As such, I demand that you give me, the greatest thief to ever steal, one, no, TWO scoops of cookies and cream ice cream in a waffle cone. With," she paused dramatically, "extra sprinkles." She nodded in satisfaction at her not-at-all-important decision

Tom felt that he should have expected this; she is just a kid, after all. She probably just recently got her powers and decided that she should become a Villain to do (and get) whatever she wants instead of listening to her parents.

You know, that's pretty cute, especially the way she's puffing herself up to try and look bigger and more imposing despite her hand trembling a little bit.

Still, even accidentally, parahumans are dangerous, having a habit of causing destruction wherever they go, so if Tom wasn't careful (and messed up her ice cream order), he might die.

So, with nothing else to do but fulfill the parahuman's demand, Tom made her order with all the care he could muster, knowing that any mistakes could now spell his demise.

And so, with great apprehension, Tom carefully handed her the cone, and awaited her judgment.

"Ohohohoho! I truly am the greatest thief who ever lived!!" She exclaimed in joy as she showed off her 'prize,' the back of her other hand covering her mouth as she laughed.

Then, she politely thanked him with a slight bow.

She then joyfully skipped away like a regular child, rather than an armed criminal, validating Tom's theory about her intent.

"Apologies for my charge, good sir," said the apparently not British butler who suddenly appeared. "She has recently entered her rebellious stage. Please, take this for your troubles," he continued while handing Tom a hundred-dollar bill. "And do keep the change."

Well, if you put it that way… "Ah, no problem here, sir!" Tom all but cheered, a smile now adorning his face. "And she wasn't an issue at all."

The old man smiled. "I'm glad to hear it. It would be a shame if her actions soured your opinion of our fine people."

"Uh, what peop- huh, where'd he go?"

Alas, poor Tom was too distracted by his lucky windfall to notice that everyone had left, the Princess bringing her minions with her.

Though with is perhaps too strong of a word, considering how they went about their task. Everything from jumping across rooftops to pretending to be homeless beggars, they made a very conspicuous, if oddly amusing, bunch.

Of course, this was Brockton Bay; you can't walk two blocks without some sort of problem popping up, so her peaceful journey wasn't to last. One of her minions found something important:

A cat.

Said minion, of course, then decided that they absolutely had to pet said cat.

Predictably, the cat disagreed with that assessment and retaliated with force, scratching the minion's outstretched hand.

The minion collapsed to their knees, clutching their hand to their chest as if they'd been stabbed, their expression the epitome of shock. They then dramatically collapsed to the floor, immediately bursting in a 'flash' of shadowy smoke and flames upon hitting the ground, stunning most who saw.

This attracted the attention of several other minions, who, upon seeing their comrade's demise, decided that they would obviously fare better than their 'idiotic' companion.

And so the slaughter began.

This went on for a few minutes until, "Hello there. What are you doing?"

The Princess's nose twitched as she took in the speaker's appearance: a woman wearing combat fatigues and a USA flag mask, the so-called superhero Miss Militia.

Now, as a Villainess, 'Heroes' were by definition the Princess's mortal enemies; as such, she looked at Miss Militia like she was an idiot. "I'm eating ice cream." She then waved her cone for extra insult.

That stunned Miss Militia, but she didn't let that stop her. "I see. Though I meant besides that."

"Ah." She nodded in understanding.

…

The two stared at each other, Miss Militia blinking with an increasingly strained smile, while the Princess kept licking her treat, barely containing her amusement behind a mostly blank expression.

Eventually, one of them yielded. "Can you tell me what else you're doing?"

"I'm exploring." The Princess smiled before whispering, "I'm new here."

Ah, "You know, Brockton Bay can be quite dangerous. Especially when you're alone."

"No, it's not." The Princess denied. "I am the great Princess RainbowSparkle! No mere hooligan is capable of harming me! And even if that wasn't the case, I'm not alone. For you see, I am accompanied by my minions!" She spun around in a circle with her arms spread out, highlighting the horde poorly hidden all around them, while still ignoring the fact that they were still dying by the legion to the poor cat.

"Your projections don't count." Miss Militia countered.

"What?" The Princess blinked in confusion. "They're my guards, though?"

"That doesn't stop them from being your projections, though."

"It does because they're not!"

"Then what are they?" She asked instead, knowing that continuing to argue with her wouldn't accomplish anything.

"The people my family hired to protect me." She gave another look like Miss Militia was an idiot. "Do you not know what guards are? You know, bodyguards? The people you hire specifically to protect you?" She continued.

"But whenever they get hurt, they turn into smoke?"

She nodded. "They do."

"All of them?"

"As far as I can tell." While Miss Militia was suspicious of that, she still made a mental note. You never know with powers.

"Is there anything else you can tell me about them?" Miss Militia felt bad about tricking a child, but this could be really important.

Though only slightly, considering the Princess gave an exaggerated sigh and look of pity before answering. "They do the same thing your minions do."

"I don't have minions, though?"

"Right." The Princess 'agreed.' "You have 'employees' and 'interns' instead. Stupid Heroes, they screw up at everything." She 'whispered' to herself.

Feeling that she wasn't going to learn anything else about her so-called minions, Miss Militia decided to shift gears. "You know, stealing isn't very nice."

Contrary to what she expected, though, the Princess's expression brightened at the accusation. "I know! That's why I did it. I can't be the greatest Villainess to ever live if I never steal, you know!" She happily concluded.

That's not good, Miss Militia thought. "Wouldn't you rather be a Hero?"

"Bleh," she stuck out her tongue in disgust. "Everyone wants to be 'the Hero,' but Heroes are all sooo boooring! They don't have the pizzazz, the presence! The PRESENTATION!" She spread her arms out and posed. "Besides, Villainesses are the ones with initiative, while Heroes just twiddle their thumbs while waiting for something to react to. So they're obviously so much better!" She explained. "Also, the only reason they end up losing is because the Heroes gang up on them!" She pouted. "Other than them being an idiot, of course, which I, as a Nobel Princess, am incapable of, having received the highest of quality educations imaginable, and as such are above such idiocracy!" She puffed up her chest pridefully.

…

Miss Militia exhaled quietly, realizing that she had only one option at this point. "If you use your power to steal, we will have to bring you in," she informed, causing the minions to all turn their focus towards her, even ignoring the poor cat (who used the opportunity to escape).

The Princess inhaled deeply, readying herself for a grand announcement, but her butler suddenly interrupted her, having abruptly appeared next to her (startling Miss Militia). "Don't worry, Princess, I paid for your acquisition."

"Mou!" She pouted, puffing up her cheeks like an angry squirrel. "Bad butler, bad! Villainesses don't pay for things; they are given them in exchange for their infinite mercy and magnanimity! It should be his honor for me to visit his humble establishment!"

"It was an honor." He agreed, "The shopkeeper said so himself. But doesn't he deserve to be rewarded for his service? He isn't the owner, after all."

"He isn't?" She questioned with dawning horror

"No, he is just an employee, one who could have gotten in trouble because of your actions."
"Mou…" She pouted, "I didn't think of that." She mumbled, "How am I supposed to be the greatest Villainess who ever lived like this!?"

Unlike The Princess, however, Miss Militia was happy to see this turn of events. "See, you don't want to be bad and hurt anyone, Rainbowspar-"

"That's Princess RainbowSparkle to you!" She corrected while pointing at the disrespectful peasant, making sure the capitalization was heard. "I am a real Princess! I'm not some fake. And I'm going to be a true Villainess too! I'll show you!"

She then tossed her napkin onto the floor. "Hmph, how's that?" She turned her nose up at the group. "Aren't I just the wors—"

And then one of her minions picked it up, along with a bunch of other trash that was on the street. "You dropped this, Princess, but don't worry, I got it for you!" The animalistic minion declared with an innocent smile, not noticing how she disagreed with their actions.

"MOU!" She stomped her foot on the ground with tears building up in her eyes from embarrassment. "I'm going home!" She declared, walking to the limo that suddenly pulled around the corner, and did just that before anyone could react.

"If you'll excuse me," The butler announced, "I have to return to my charge. Apologies for the rudeness of my departure."

"Wai- and he's gone…" The butler had disappeared before her eyes.

Chapter Text

Uh, where the hell am I? This is definitely not my room, considering there's a fucking sign saying Welcome to Brocton Ba-fffffffuuuuuuuu-

— — — — — —

"Hello everyone, I'm your host, (Insert Name Here), and I'm here to tell you how to prepare your Earth Bet for optimal play!" I announced. "By following this simple guide, you can do things like set the difficulty, acquire starting funds and gear, and so much more, so you too can enjoy your otherworldly self-insert adventure in Earth Bet to its fullest!"

"Now, the first step in your SI adventure is to panic! Whether it's freaking out over suddenly being somewhere else, being someone else, or something even stranger, you probably have a reason to, so go ahead and let it all out." I started. "Now, your mileage may vary depending on who you are as a person and your specific situation, but suffice to say, you probably didn't expect to be here, much less like this. Regardless of whether it's through a ROB's meddling or cosmic happenstance, you are here, and you probably don't want to be." I explained.

"Do note, however, that this step should be delayed should you find yourself in a situation where you don't have the time or opportunity to do so. Use your best judgment to determine your start's suitability. Remember, the five stages of grief are scary, so the faster you get through them, the better! Now, I already did all that (more or less), so check." I mimed writing a check mark in the air.

"Step Two: Determine the specifics of your situation and, if applicable, your place in it! You need to check the time, place, and history of your world; otherwise, you might make an (in hindsight) obvious mistake using faulty assumptions! Beyond that, are you now someone with history, and will that affect things? Until you check, you'll never know, so verify! As always, results may vary if in another version. Luckily, I am in canon, as far as I can tell, so I can use my knowledge for my benefit! check"

"Step Three: Contact Cauldron! Now, some of you might be thinking, aren't those guys a bunch of murderous idiots who would murder you for knowing about them? And you'd be right! But the key is to attract their attention without their hostility. And how do you do that, you ask? Observe."

I grabbed the pay phone I had been ranting near and called the number I found. And as soon as they introduced themselves, I enacted my genius plan. "Hello, Number Man, I'm calling because I have information about your worst enemy, the depressed space whale himself, the Golden Boy Scion! Act now, and I will tell you his deepest, darkest secrets, like why he's depressed, rescuing kittens from trees, and even wearing clothes! How does that sound, Kurt? Oh, and if you could bring the lovely Fortuna with you, that'd be great! Though I will accept Contessa instead should she be feeling shy."

He, predictably, was quite stunned at my sudden 'sales pitch,' but regained his wits quickly. "Door to this caller." And suddenly there was a portal to my left, and aww, he is wearing pants; Fanon lied to me!

Regardless, "Hello! I'm glad you dec-"

And then I had a knife to my throat. "Who are you, and why should I believe anything you're saying?" He demanded.

"Harbinger, Harbinger." He tensed. "I am your best hope to prevent the mistakes of the future." I smiled. "And you should believe me because I'm not like your old friend Jacob Black; you can actually trust me!" I started. "Besides, if I wanted to harm Cauldron, I'd just talk about the Nemesis program, Gray Boy, or the chief director's hidden identity." I shrugged.

That seemed to finally get through to him as he called out, "Door to Contessa," which, unlike if I had done that (if I wasn't just shot instead), worked, opening up a portal to a rather lovely moonlit park highlighting a rather attractive woman in a fitted suit and, of course, wearing a fedora.

"Hello!" I greeted with a wave as Kurt started to explain the situation.

"They believe they know how to take out Scion." "His name is actually Zion." I corrected, "And I—what?" He paused before giving me a look of confusion. Yeah, I can understand his reaction. Preparing for years to take down a foe just to find out you had his name wrong the entire time would suck! Like, at that point, what else did you miss?

Anyway, "Yeah, his name is actually Zion, like the kingdom of Heaven, and a much more fitting counterpart to Eden's. Everyone just misheard him when he first said it."

Kurt turned to Contessa.

"I see." She responded simply before perfectly stepping through the portal, having probably asked her normal questions to her 'Agent.' "How do you know?"

"Because it reminded him of the promised land of a completed Cycle when the most powerful man in the world told him about it."

"Who?" She 'asked' with a simple intensity. "I doubt you are referring to Eidolon or I."

"I'm not. And I will tell you, but first, can you path how Zion got clothes? I was curious if that'd work." I requested.

"Zion is a blind spot, and he presumably created them with his power."

"Well, yeah. But I meant who gave him the idea and told him to do so in the first place."

She nodded and started searching.

"Someone did?" Kurt wondered. "How did we miss something like that?"

How the hell would I know?

"Kevin Norton." Contessa suddenly announced, saving me from having to answer. "Zion listens to him." She looked to me for confirmation.

"More or less," I confirmed. "It's not perfect, even before we get into how much Norton fears how much influence he has on Zion, but Zion does listen to what he says."

"Okay, I believe that you have important information about Zion, so let's hear it."

I nodded. "Okay! Now, audience, you have to be very careful at this part, as any mistakes could result in your demise!" They blinked at my weird way of talking before comprehending what I just implied.

"We're not going to just kill you at this point." Kurt denied ignorantly, insulted that I'd even think they'd silence me now, which I ignored since it wasn't Cauldron I was worried about.

"So first, I need a guarantee of safety." I declared, looking Contessa in the eyes pointedly.

"Understood, I will guarantee your protection." She offered, but I just raised an eyebrow. She was confused, surprisingly letting hints of Fortuna peek out, before finally deciding to go all out. "Path to keeping our associate safe."

I nodded, satisfied. "So first things first, your path is wrong, your initial path, that is. It's flawed and biased in a way I'm certain you're familiar with, having dealt with such early on when you still didn't understand the path. And no one noticed, not only because of how it was worded, but potentially because their doubts would be a threat to succeeding in your path."

That got a flicker of emotion to appear on her face. "And what was the problem?" she asked in worry.

"You pathed to create an army, but at the time you created it, your views of what an army is were quite, outdated, being effectively a mob with a moderately united purpose. Something very different from modern, and far more effective, interpretations, and what was probably what everyone else presumed you were trying to create in the first place."

She just stared blankly for a bit, comprehending what I just said, before almost collapsing, so I quickly continued. "But! It did work out in the end. It was quite convoluted, requiring people to not work together enough to get someone to jailbreak their Shard, the 'actual' name for the Agents, by the way, them being literal fragments of the whole Entity similar to cells in your body, allowing Kepri to, when combined with Doormaker, Master themselves a proper army. Which, again, won, after some trial and error that I plan on skipping. Golden Morning is a fitting ending to a story, but in real life, there is no epilogue; your journey continues until you die." Or somehow continues further, as potentially evidenced by my situation.

"Anyway, while there's a whole bunch of stuff to tell you, the main thing you need to know is that Zion is depressed. Literally. He was quite literally bullied to death, all but directly committing suicide after being reminded of Eden by allowing himself to be shot by Sting from Flechette to open up the portal to his true body, upon which an uber version of String Theory's G-Driver or something was fired, destroying him for good." I crudely summarized. "Now the details on how to accomplish that are probably best talked about with the rest of your little group, so I'll leave it at that for now."

"True, having to explain everything multiple times could prove annoying." Kurt accepted.

"Was there anything else you needed to tell us before then?" Contessa inquired, having regained her composure (probably by pathing it, admittedly).

I nodded. "Now, audience, if you have plans for the Endbringers, or just happen to enjoy the depressed ambiance they give the world, you can ignore this step and leave them be, you monster." My poor, confused audience blinked at that. Well, Kurt did; Contessa is unnaturally composed, adding evidence to my previous theory. "But as I am but a humble loser with basic empathy and not a psychopath, I'm going to tell Cauldron all about them! Namely, that they were made by the High Priest, as the Faerie Queen calls them."

That got another reaction out of them, but I was too busy guiding my audience to pay that any attention.

"Now this might be important to fix, as Zion also has a path to victory, and while he uses it sparingly because of its extreme energy usage, something actually threatening him is obviously worth the cost. And it's one of his few uses that we need to pay attention to: telling David, 'You needed worthy opponents,' which revealed him as the source of the Endbringers, crippling his will to live, allowing himself to be killed effortlessly in an oddly parallel situation to Zion's eventual fate, showing that it doesn't matter how strong your body is if your mind is weak." I postulated.

And once again, my report completely stunned them as they realized their current best shot at victory wasn't nearly as good as they thought it was.

Hmm, I wonder if I can have enough of those for them to actually get used to it. That'd be pretty funny, if a bit cruel.

Anyway, I should probably shift away from things like that for now; they have the really important bits of information, as well as the opportunity to let David know the truth in a more controlled way, instead of the usual SI way of just blurting it out. "Now, at this point, you could probably ask Cauldron for anything," they nodded, almost used to my insanity at this point. "Even immoral stuff, since, you know, Cauldron *wink*." Almost.

Not that they even blinked at my uncharitable addition, which really just proves my point.

"Now, I personally recommend getting a power of some sort if you don't already have one and aren't trying to either take down Jacky or are doing a challenge run, as vial capes usually aren't affected by their Shard as much, so you could still live a life of luxury while still having a secret weapon available. Or, you know, you could just acquire the ability to fly, or teleport, or whatever fun ability you'd want, something to make your life more convenient or fun, since hopefully you'd have gained enough goodwill at this point for them to spend a little bit of effort keeping you safe." I shrugged. "It's really up to you; it's your life and your adventure. I can't tell you what to do; I can only give you advice. It's your choice whether or not you use it."

I paused for dramatic effect.

"And there you have it! The perfect way to start your Worm adventures. Remember to like, comment, and subscribe (or your medium's equivalent) if you enjoyed and would like to see more! Stay tuned for next time as I teach you how to stop crime! Or commit it." I winked.

Chapter Text

Hello, this is something a bit different than my usual stuff, I wrote this as an omake for Dark Magical Girl Vicky Seras's dumpster of random snippets. and figured you might want to read it too. I definitely reading their story first, though mine takes a different path.

It was a miserable day inside. Children were screaming, my patience was thinning… On days like this, I just wish… that I could burn it all down!

Well, that's a little dramatic, but not as much as I'd like to admit. And it was on one of those dreary days that my life completely turned around.

As I was manning the counter at WcDonalds, one of those pesky mascots (a prismatic turkey thing) wandered in, obviously looking for something.

What, did one of their magical girls get lost or something?

Then it saw me, and its eyes lit up. Literally, it was actually kind of hard to look at…

Anyway, it then floated towards me in the same eerily unnatural and direct way they all seem to, never using their wings or even 'swimming,' (if this were a show, I'd accuse the animators of being lazy), making me sigh in dread. Great, what sort of nonsense is it about to try to drag me into?

"Finally! Just what I've been looking for!" Yeah, yeah, you're just saying that to butter me up so I'll actually help you. "Someone who understands how nonsensical this world is!"

What?

"What?"

"You see it, don't you?" They continued in their cutesy voice. Completely ignoring my confusion. "How ineffective the 'evil organizations' and other 'villains' that constantly pop up are, how the Gods recruit literal children to fight their battles, and so on?"

Despite myself, I couldn't help nodding. It's hard not to notice. Man, if only I was chosen, I would do things so much bett-

"That's why I want your help to deal with the actual problems that pop up!" They cheered, interrupting my thoughts with, my thoughts?

"And, what would that entail, exactly?" I know myself; I'm well outside the usual demographic these guys recruit from, so it's probably going to be something like a babysit-manager, which is one of the few jobs I can imagine being worse than my current one.

You just can't contain the chaos of a bunch of preteens, and I can't imagine adding powers and whatever else would somehow make it any easier.

"Destroying the local human trafficking ring is what I personally suggest, but I can understand wanting to start with something a bit easier."

"What!?" I all but shrieked.

"Yeah, I don't get why humans do that either." They nodded, as if that was what I was reacting to (not that they don't have a point).

"That's!" I paused to take a calming breath (something I'm depressingly good at). "Sorry, that just surprised me. I thought you guys just dealt with more magical threats, though?"

"While that was the intent, considering most mythical threats actually can't be dealt with by regular people, but as you know, they can be rather, inoffensive. For most of them, any victory would cause far less harm to people than even some smaller groups of organized crime do daily." They sighed. "I always wanted to actually move against them, at least on occasion. Our sensors are able to detect most of their worst efforts, after all. It's just not something I could have children do. And with how the empowerment process works, using the innocence, adaptability, and so on of young girls as a substitute for actual spiritual potential, there wasn't anything I could do about it."

"And what changed?"

"I found you!" They cheered, perking up from their depressed spiral.

"And what makes me so special?" I asked nervously. Did they discover that I'm a reincarnator?

"As I said, you can actually understand the big picture even despite the rather weak veil preventing you from doing so." Is that why no one else can figure out things that I see as obvious!? "So I figured you might be compatible enough to be empowered. And I was right!"

Oh, that's… everything I ever dreamed of.

Just, "What's the pay like?" I asked hesitantly.

As much as I would love to jump right in, and as much I hate fucking this job, being homeless would probably be worse.

Luckily, they just nodded in understanding. "Don't worry, you'll make enough to be able to buy a proper house within a few years at most."

"In today's economy?" I quirked an eyebrow in the way you often see mothers do on TV.

"Exactly. It used to be only a year, but times have changed." They sighed, and for the first time in this conversation, I could feel their age. "Anyway, this would be your contract," they offered, a full-blown legal contract poofing into existence in front of me. "That should answer most of your questions. As I understand how things work for adults, I made sure it included things like insurance, retirement, dental, vacation days, maternity leave, and so on."

And well, with benefits and pay like that, there's only one response I can give.

"Where do I sign?"

Actually becoming a magical girl was a lot more mundane than I imagined.

Yeah, there were lights and sparkles and all that jazz, and there might even have been some inspirational music playing in the background (that I can't tell was magic, coming from a speaker somewhere in the distance and likely unintentional, or I was just imagining it), which I'm sure would be enough to dazzle any little girl experiencing it, but to me it felt rather, mundane…

There was no transformation sequence, no feeling of youth, no invigoration, and no feelings of hope and love and goodness.

There wasn't even any pain (not that I expected any, really; this is primarily used on children)! Just a minute-long wait as light bathed my form in admittedly beautiful waves, and poof, magical girl. I didn't feel any different, no stronger, my reactions were the same, I couldn't even feel the power of magic coursing through my veins!

I didn't feel magical; I felt like myself…

Did, did it fail or something? The mascot claimed I would be compatible, but what were they even basing it on? Was it based off of proper evidence and testing, or just some sort of, educated guess! Fuck, I never asked; I just took their word for it!

Still, as disappointed as I was, I didn't let any of my dilemma show on my face. I'm an adult; I can handle disappointment without causing a fuss (in public).

Then, "It worked, good. Now we can set up your outfit and magic focus." They suddenly declared what felt like minutes later, but what was probably just a few seconds.

Oh, thank fuck, it actually worked! I was so worried—wait, "You can choose that stuff!?" Does that mean everyone chose to have their weapons and outfits be stereotypical magical girl stuff? From the start!?

"Not normally, no, but while creating something directly through the linking of our souls," what "is usually more powerful, the randomness of the process can leave you rather unequipped to handle certain situations," they explained, as usual just bulldozing through my shock and confusion.

Still, that gives me ideas. Potentially. I'm definitely asking what they recommend, though. While I'm familiar with the various tropes that seem to control this world, actual combat is something I have little experience with. "Do you have any suggestions for what I should use?"

"I'm rather partial to guns myself." Okay then! I did not expect that.

"Aren't they somehow less effective than the more medieval weapons everyone else uses?" I questioned. Considering I haven't seen anyone use one and how writers often use that excuse to justify guns not just dominating every instance of combat, that at least seems to be the case.

"While that may have been the case a hundred years ago, the past century made them the first thing that comes to mind when someone thinks of combat. That idea has spread so far through humanity's collective consciousness that it has gained spiritual importance, reinforcing any magic related to them."

"Huh, is that why magical girls constantly blast their enemies with bullet-like projectiles?" That'd be some surprisingly deep lore; too bad it likely wouldn't see the light of day in a regular series.

"It is." They nodded. "Now, I won't lie and claim guns don't have their share of problems; they are still formed and fueled by your magic and soul, and unlike with bows and other similar weapons, guns can't be augmented with your physical strength for an efficient and cheap increase in power, but that just means they're roughly equivalent to the others instead of directly superior, as it is without magic." They then paused. "Especially since you could also use regular bullets."

Okay, that's… that's a thing. "Does that make them work against monsters?" The entire reason we don't have the military or something taking down all these wannabe invaders is that they physically can't do anything about a lot of them. An effect the magical girls and their mascots appear to share, with clips of them basically ignoring things like being shot at, hit by cars, or even having a building collapse on them being all over the place.

"Of course, there wouldn't be much point in doing that otherwise—though they likely won't be as effective as bullets directly sourced from your soul."

Huh, that's actually pretty cool, though the soul thing they keep bringing up concerns me.

Eh, it's probably fine. While I'm entering a darker and grittier version of the world, the underlying principles are likely the same, and I've seen enough to know that the world itself isn't some tragedy setting.

Not any more than one normally is, anyway.

That brings up a potential problem, though: "Wouldn't that kill the criminals you want me to take down?" Like, I don't know why magical girls never seem to kill their enemies (unless they're some ugly monster), but I give it roughly equal odds of it being something their villains do to protect themselves as it being an innate trait of magical girls, and a coin flip isn't something I'd bet someone's life on!

"Yeah? Bullets are quite lethal?" They answered in confusion, not at all comforting me.

What did I sign on to do?! "Is there any way to not kill anyone I'd shoot?" While being a magical girl is a dream come true, especially one that actually fixes problems I only truly noticed by living in this world, I don't want it enough to become a mass murderer!

"There is, though while you can make regular bullets nonlethal, it's just better to just use ones sourced from your soul for that; it'd cost about the same while having no risk of that effect failing."

Oh, phew, I was worried for a moment there. "So, uh, does the specific gun you use matter?"

"It does," they nodded.

"So how does that work? Would copying an AK be more reliable or something?"

"Oh, no, the type of gun—assault rifle, shotgun, and so on—is what matters. Your soul decided the specifics based on your compatibility," they corrected. "While choosing a particular gun to copy would affect its traits similarly to your example, forcing your soul to manifest in a specific way is inefficient, wasting a majority of your energy just to force it to function, energy that'd be far more useful actually empowering your weapon."

"So I shouldn't try for specific things with my focus?"

"Probably not. While it can work decently in minor cases, like adding a scope to increase your range or adding a bayonet so you can properly fight in melee, they all come with the cost of slightly weakening your weapon in general to compensate. As for if it'd be worth it to do, that's for you to decide based on your preferred combat style and its strengths and weaknesses."

I nodded. There's a lot you can do with that. I guess it makes sense, though, if you couldn't, then all the magical girls would probably be running around with the same design and weapons.

"Anyway, you don't have to decide on what you want for your focus immediately; we also need to design your outfit," they explained. "Now, unlike with your focus, your outfit's infusion is linked directly to your body, meaning you can effectively customize your outfit however you want."

"Then why have an outfit at all?" Other than modesty, at least.

They gave me a blank look. "Any other outfit would break during battle." Yeah, that's fair. This world is way too PG for that to happen (something I was thankful for, especially now that I'm participating).

"Anyway, as I was saying, your body being infused with magic raises all of your parameters to slightly beyond peak human levels even before you start investing any energy, and can grow from there if you so choose. Though it does take more and more energy the stronger a 'stat' gets, so it's usually more efficient to diversify. In addition, you could mimic some sort of 'class' to take advantage of how humanity's collective consciousness perceives it for a minor boost depending on how defined humanity's image is and how closely you resemble it."

Oh, and now the universe itself is enforcing tropes.

"Is that why all seem so stereotypical? You guys specifically choose girls that better fit into certain archetypes?"

"Partially, another reason is that acting like an archetype often helps you play the part, meaning a knight would learn some basic swordsmanship, which, when using a bunch of untrained children, drastically increases their effectiveness." Well, that would certainly explain why magical girls tend to fit into various tropes so well. I guess I was right to assign roles to them?

What the hell sort of world did I end up in?

"One last thing to keep in mind about your situation specifically before you start planning," they continued, interrupting my thoughts, "you are unlikely to ever have a proper team to support you, given how even finding you was already a rare surprise. And with your separate targets and differences in age, it's unlikely you'll really end up interacting with the other magical girls that much." They then considered that statement. "Unless you happen to get caught up in their chaos." They finished blandly. Yeah, even just working at WcDonalds had me get caught up a few times.

"Understood." I nodded seriously. "I definitely have a lot to think about."

"That you do. And I'll be glad to answer any other questions you may have; you have plenty of time to plan."

Okay, now what do I want to be?