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‘Twas the Christmas season, a few days before, in the year of our Lord known as ‘2004.’ It was a rainy night in Santa Monica, unfitting for the winter season. It rarely ever snowed, though, being in California. That didn’t stop the city streets from being full of Christmas cheer. Some lights were shittily strewn about, as the city didn’t have much of a budget for these things. The local businesses bustling with hobos, degenerates, and the like. Arthur Kilpatrick of Arthur Kilpatrick’s Bail Bonds even had half-prices on the Krime-puter just to be a little charitable. As people warmed up in the smoke shop, got Christmas tree tattoos at the Tattoo Parlor, and the injured clogged the blood bank at its busiest time of year (fact), it made one wonder, what was Christmas like for the unliving? That, dear readers, could only be answered by one beloved Nosferatu.
Grunk, the aforementioned beloved Nosferatu, savior of L.A. from LaCroix’s iron fist, among other things, was hanging out with his best buddy Knox Harrington at his apartment. Bertram and Jeanette were also there - As everyone effectively used Knox’s place as their own. He had no place to question this, being a ghoul and all. As Grunk and Knox were hanging out and playing Uno or whatever it is those crazy kids do, Bertram and Jeanette were keeping warm in the other room.
Jeanette, who was wearing a sexy Mrs. Claus outfit that would make the average Gatcha gamer cream, was atop Bertram who laid upon Knox’s bed, which had a cute vampire design on it- much akin to the patch worn on his jacket.
“Geez,” Bertram scoffed, “I know the kid loves vampires but this is a little much,” he murmured to himself. Jeanette paid this no mind and was already ripping Bertram’s shirt off.
“Nipple time!” she shouted out with glee, reaching for Bertram’s perky nips.
“Gah!” he exclaimed, holding her back. “Eager today, are we?”
“You know it, it’s Christmas after all! And Christmas is the time of year where nipples are at their hardest! Just look at mine!” She giggled, flashing Bertram.
“WHOA!” Bertram’s eyes popped out a little. “Yoinka yoinka, babe, they sure are!”
As the two began to rub, tug, n’ squeeze, a little green man slowly crept up on the two, poking his head up over the bed. “Surprise!”
“Oh, uh… Hi Grunk. I thought you were playing Uno with Knox or whatever you crazy kids do,” Bertram said, looking at Grunk.
“Hi Grunt! Wanna see my boobs?” Jeanette waved, showing Grunk the merchandise.
“Wowie!” Grunk smiled. He was so excited in fact, that he lunged between the two of them.
Bertram groaned at this action, “Grunk, what do you want?” he asked bluntly.
Grunk stared at them with his big beautiful, jaundice-yellow eyes and said, “Grunk just likes watching you guys…” He sighed lovingly, and rested his chin atop his interwoven fingies.
“Well that’s just great.” Bertram said.
Jeanette’s eyes lit up. “Why don’t you join us, Grunt?! It’ll be free, for Christmas~!”
“No! NO! Bad!” Bertram scolded them both. “This is me and Jeanette time!”
“Christ…Mass?” Grunk’s eyes widened. He’d never heard such a word before. “What’s that?” Hearing this commotion, Knox Harrington jumped out from behind a wall.
“Grunk! You don’t know what Christmas is?!” Knox asked. “Oh hey master!” He added, waving at Bertram.
“Oh, please! Yeah, everyone just walk in! Jesus… Fuck me! Wait, no, not you two! You can’t fuck me!” Bertram grumbled.
“That’s not what I was talking about, but, aw man, I’d do anything for you, master! Anyways, Grunk, you don’t know what CHRISTMAS is?! It’s like, aw man, the coolest holiday EVER!” Knox exclaimed, arms out. “Did your parents not celebrate Christmas?!”
“Grunk spent 20 out of 20 days every year in the shed. Grunk doesn’t know what holidays are!” Grunk hung his head sadly.
“So you’re saying they weren’t Christians?! That’s fucked up, man!” Knox pointed.
“Since when were you a card-carrying Christian?” Bertram questioned.
“I’m not! It’s just fucked up!” Knox shrugged.
“Anyways…” Jeanette added, tits still fully out, rocking around as if they were by a Christmas tree. “Yeah, so Grunt… You’re saying you never EVER have had a Christmas present? Or met Santa? Or seen snow? I actually had a great childhood. My dad would dress up like Santa and give me special presents!”
“I don’t like the sound of that…” Bertram narrowed his eyes, but didn’t question it. That girl was crazy, after all.
“Yeah, Grunk!” Knox interjected, getting a Santa coat and hat out of nowhere. He sat down on a rocking chair, which he also got out of nowhere and beckoned Grunk to sit on his lap, which he did. “You see… Christmas is a time where this magical old guy named ‘Santa Claus’ rides around on a big sleigh and gives presents to all the good little boys and girls! Aw man, it’s like, totally the best! But if you’re bad, ooh watch out!”
Grunk held his hands over his mouth. “But what happens if you’re bad?!”
“You get COAL!” Bertram popped up behind Grunk, scaring the shit out of him. He figured he might as well have a little bit of fun now that his wintertime bang-sesh was all but ruined.
“GAAAAAHHHH!” Grunk screamed so loud it was funny.
“Don’t worry, man!” Knox smiled. “I’m sure you’re the goodest boy! What a heckin’ good boy aw MAN!” (AN: I can’t believe we wrote that, please someone shoot us). “But you know what? One of the best parts about Christmas is giving gifts to the people you love! I do it every year for master!”
“Grunk DOES love many people!” Grunk smiled. “Can we go give gifts to all of Grunk’s friends? Oh can we can we best friend Knox Harrington!?”
Bertram glared at Knox, mouthing “DO IT.”
“Y-Yeah! I mean, hey, even if I weren’t blood-bound by my master’s oath, I’d still do it for you buddy!” He gave Grunk a little punch on the shoulder. “But you’ll be needing this, buddy-boy!” Knox pulled out another Santa suit and hat he got out of nowhere.
“Oh joyous day! A suit of red and white!”
“Yeah, Grunt! That’s what Santa wears! See? I’m wearing a Santa outfit too!” Jeanette giggled and wiggled, pointing at her breasts again for all to see. “Maybe if you’re good enough you’ll meet the REAL Santa!”
Grunk gasped. “Really?! You mean it?! Grunk shall see THE Santa?! Promise, Genie?!”
“Ummm… Yeah! I’m sure he’ll show up if you give gifts to everyone you love! Especially me, I actually really want this high-end Michael Kors bag, if you could get it for me. Okay, great, thank you.”
“Yeah, uh… I think you two should go off as soon as you can, so you can see Santa or whatever. Like, now. Go. Go now, hurry.” Bertram shooed off Grunk and Knox as they linked arms.
“Are you ready to spread some Christmas cheer, Grunk!?” Knox turned and looked at his friend. His really ugly, yet somehow cute at the same time friend.
“Oh Grunk sure is, friend Knox! Let’s go spread some Christmas seed!”
“Cheer, Grunk.” Bertram corrected.
“Cheer seed!” Grunk smiled, as the two skipped off out of the apartment into the Los Angeles night. Jeanette got up, and shut the door behind her, tying it with a Christmas ribbon so Bertram had no chance of escape. Just in case!
Bertram looked out the window, making sure those two crazy kids were away from the premises. “So you gonna sit on my face now or what?” He asked, giving Jeanette a little smirk.
“Oh, of course, darling!” Jeanette winked. “But… That actually makes me wonder… We should go find a Santa for Grunt, shouldn’t we?”
Bertram furrowed his brow. “What? No. Why would we?”
“Well, I mean, he’s going to be so heartbroken if he finds out Santa isn’t real! I mean, he’s never experienced Christmas before. I think we should do this for him. I mean, he’s kind of like a son to us! A son that’s morally okay to fuck, when appropriate, but regardless, he’s still like a son.” She began to tear up.
“But…” Bertram began, his head firmly placed in his hand.
“Don’t be a grinch, Bertie…” Jeanette sniffled, crossing her arms, doing a little pouty face - Bertram’s one weakness.
“Fucking… Okay, you know what, you’re right. The kid deserves it.” Bertram sighed. He really didn’t want to do this, but Jeanette was right. Grunk did deserve a Christmas like this. Even deep down in that lumpy head of his, he knew that Grunk deserved it. “But can you sit on my face first?”
“Oh, of course! We can go find Santa after my cooter gets a Tung-lashing!”
“That’s what I like to hear, cupcake!” Bertram said, licking his chops, preparing for what could only be described as an epic meal time. As they proceeded to their sesh, and Grunk and Knox dashed through the rainy streets of Los Angeles, it was only the start of what would be a magical joy-filled holiday season.