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He knows what he is. He’s always known, he thinks. When he looks at his childhood photos, he can see it. The tilt of his hip, the way he holds his wrist, the princess tiara he would sometimes wear with his All Might costume. Izuku knows what he is. And God help him, is he ashamed.
He doesn’t know why. He knows Kacchan is the same way. He’s open about it and everyone knows and everyone is okay with it, but… Izuku just can’t.
Every time he wants to say it, the words stick in his throat. He thinks about the crucifix his mother wears, how sad she was when he stopped going to mass, Leviticus.
He doesn’t believe in God anymore, he doesn’t think. He’s not going to tell his mother that, of course. He’ll be the good Catholic he was raised to be in front of her for as long as he needs, but he just can’t believe in a God that would sentence him to eternal damnation for feelings he’s had his whole life. Feelings he can’t control. Feelings that led to this exact moment, standing in the corner of the 2-A dorm, drunk, smoked out, and feeling the bass pulse through his body as he holds a half-full red cup in one hand and his crucifix in the other. He stares at it. It’s silver, matches his mother’s. He used to wear it every day, but now it usually sits in his pocket, ready to be quickly pulled over his head should his mother ever pay a surprise visit to the dorms.
Jesus would be crying if He could see Izuku now.
Kaminari breaks the spell, grabbing Izuku’s arm and shouting something about a game. Someone turns the music down to a more manageable volume and Izuku stuffs the crucifix back into his pocket as Kaminari drags him to the center of the room where most of his class is sat in a circle. There’s an empty beer bottle in the middle. Fuck. Izuku takes a drink from his cup.
Kaminari pushes Izuku to sit down in one of the empty spots and takes the spot to the right of him, across from Shinsou. Izuku looks to see who he’s sitting across from and is relieved to find the space empty. If he puts the exact right amount of effort into his spins, it’ll point to the empty spot and he’ll get to pass. Hopefully.
After about a minute, Mina approaches the circle, Kacchan being dragged behind her.
“Alright, let’s get started! Remember, if you don’t feel comfortable kissing someone, you can pass, but you have to tell us a secret about yourself in exchange!”
“This game’s fucking bullshit, I don’t wanna play, Pinky!” Kacchan snaps as Mina pushes his shoulders down, forcing him to sit across from Izuku. Fuck.
“Oh, come on! We’re gonna be third-years soon! This is one of our last chances to party before we have to get serious! Just play this one time!” she begs.
Kacchan sighs and rolls his eyes. “Fine, but you know that I’m not kissing anyone I don’t want to!”
“And that’s allowed. But remember, you have to tell us secrets!” Mina says, taking her seat in the circle. She claps her hands once, making Izuku jump. He might be a bit too crossfaded for this.
“Alright!” Mina shouts, excited, “Let’s get started! Who wants to go first?”
Sero raises his hand because of course he does and cheers go up from the circle. Izuku’s played spin the bottle with his class quite a few times. He’s never kissed anyone, preferring to spill his guts instead as it’s the only way to keep people from finding out about his… secret, but he’s heard that Sero is the best kisser of the class.
Izuku watches, dread and anticipation welling up inside him as Sero grabs the bottle and flicks his wrist. The bottle spins and spins for a grueling three seconds before slowing to land on Shouto whose ears immediately turn bright red.
“You cool with this?” Sero asks, crawling forward a bit.
Shouto nods shyly and crawls forward to meet Sero halfway. When their lips meet, Izuku looks away, drinking from his cup, and the circle lets out a loud “oooooh” followed by laughter. Izuku tells himself to relax.
When he looks back to the circle, Shouto has the bottle, ears still red, and Sero is back in his spot. The bottle spins, this time landing on Hagakure. Shouto quickly shakes his head.
“No thank you. I’ll pass on this turn, no offense to you of course.” Hagakure gives a gloved thumbs-up. Shouto sits back down and stops to think for a second before saying, “One of the reasons I like cold soba so much is because it’s the only food I know how to make besides cereal and sandwiches.”
Everyone cracks up at this, Izuku included, his guard falling.
“That’s fuckin’ ridiculous, you’re sixteen years old! I’m teaching you how to cook!” Kacchan snaps.
Shouto nods. “I’d appreciate that, thank you.”
As the game continues, Izuku gets more relaxed, the bottle continuously missing him by a mile. Hagakure kisses Ojirou who kisses Denki who kisses Shinsou who kisses Jirou who spins the bottle to point at Kacchan.
“Hell no. I have a Chihuahua at home named Tinkerbell and no, I’m not ashamed to admit that,” Kacchan snaps before giving the bottle a hard spin while everyone reels and laughs at the admission.
Izuku already knew this, of course. He’s been hanging out with Kacchan more often since the war ended, their differences set aside. He actually accompanied Kacchan to the shelter where he adopted Tinkerbell. Kacchan’s parents have been going through a pretty rough divorce since the middle of the year and his therapist suggested getting a pet to keep his mind off of it and to help him with his trauma from the war. Kacchan left out the part where he cried about how small the dog was and how perfect she was when he first met her, but Izuku figures that’s a secret for another turn.
The bottle wobbles a bit as it spins, the tip clunking on the floor as it stops on Kirishima. Kacchan shrugs and leans across the circle. Kacchan is going to kiss Kirishima.
Izuku feels his stomach twist, some bubbling emotion he can’t identify at the moment pressing against his lungs.
Their lips meet and Izuku chugs.
The two part after a second, Kirishima grabbing the bottle and spinning. “Your lips are crazy soft bro, what do you use?” He asks. So innocently. As if he didn’t just…
No, don’t think like that. He doesn’t own Kacchan. He can make his own choices.
But isn’t Kirishima Catholic too? Unlike Izuku, he wears his crucifix, he’s wearing it right now, so he must believe, right? So what is he doing kissing Izuku’s-
The bottle stops. It’s pointed at Izuku. He feels like all the air has just been sucked out of his lungs. His ears ring as he looks up slowly. Kirishima is smiling, asking him something, but Izuku doesn’t want to hear it. His eyes zero in on The Lord’s anguished face dangling from Kirishima’s neck. He can’t do this, he won’t. No one can know.
“No.” Izuku hears himself say.
Kirishima nods, understanding. “It’s all good, man!”
“Secret time! What lore are we learning about you tonight?” Mina exclaims.
Izuku pauses. Right, the secrets.
He knows which one he wants to say. He always wants to say it, to tell someone, but…
“Um, I once accidentally ate flour as a kid thinking it was powdered sugar,” Izuku mutters.
“We’ve heard that one before! Come on, we need new lore from our favorite cryptid!” Mina teases.
“Hey, maybe we should back off, Midoriya’s not looking too good right now,” Kirishima says, looking at Izuku worriedly, “Did you have too much to drink? You look a little green, my dude.”
“I- I don’t-” Izuku stops. His head spins and he feels annoyed suddenly. Why the hell does Kirishima care so much? “Please just leave me alone for now” is what he settles on.
Momo, who sits to his left, gives him a small pat on the back before spinning the bottle on what’s meant to be Izuku’s turn. He appreciates it.
After a few more turns, round one is over, and round two begins.
“Alright, round two! This time, if you skip, the secret’s gotta be juicier! Nothing surface-level like not knowing how to cook or having a secret dog, give us some dirt!” Mina says. The rules are the same each time, but the reminder is helpful.
The order changes this time, Mina opting to go first. The bottle lands on Tsu who gives an ‘okay’ symbol with her hand. Mina smothers Tsu with kisses, forehead, cheeks, nose, and finally, lips. Tsu wipes her face before grabbing the bottle, saying “I should have known you would do that, at least cut down on the slobber next time, ribbit.”
The group laughs as the bottle spins. Tsu kisses Sero who kisses Shinsou who kisses Momo who kisses Tenya who kisses Ochako. She spins the bottle and Izuku watches. Once again, it lands on him. And Ochako looks so happy.
Izuku knows why. It’s been obvious since the beginning of first year. He’s tried to feel the same way, when he believed, he tried so hard to like her the way she likes him. But he knows his nature.
Ochako leans forward and Izuku leans away. “No thanks, I’d rather not.”
“Aww, okay, that’s fair,” she says. He can tell she’s sad, though. It’s the way her eyebrow is slightly quirked.
“I’m sorry, it’s not you, I just-”
Everyone looks intrigued. Shit, of course everyone heard. He was trying to be quiet.
“Secret time?” Mina asks. Of course that’s what she cares about. Why does Izuku feel so annoyed?
“I don’t think I have a good one right now. Sorry.”
“Oh, come on, you’ve gotta have something we’ve never heard before!” Ochako teases.
“Yeah! Even for open books like you, there are always secrets!” Mina joins in.
“Yeah, dude! Don’t be shy, we’re all friends here!” Kirishima nods.
He can’t do this. He wants to say it, just to get everyone off his back, but he can’t, he- it’s-
“I can’t!” He shouts. “I don’t- There are some things that- It’s wrong!”
“Woah, dude, it’s okay! There’s no worries, man, it was all fun and games! No pressure!” Kirishima waves his hands placatingly, but by this point, Izuku is too worked up.
“How can you say that?! You know just as well as I do that this is-”
“Dude, I think you’ve had a bit too much to drink. Bakubro, do you wanna…” Kirishima seems nervous now and fuck does Izuku feel guilty, but he just can’t stop.
“No, I’m fine! What’s not fine is this! How can you wear that on your neck and sit in this circle and say it’s all a game?! You kissed Kacchan! You wanted to kiss me and I just can’t!”
The room is silent. There are looks of shock and horror and confusion and Izuku can feel tears on his face. He wants to stand up, but he thinks he might fall if he does now.
Kirishima speaks up quietly. “Dude… Please tell me-”
“Just shut up!” Izuku cuts Kirishima off, now sobbing heavily. “I just- I- The Church and- you believe, I know you do, I- Leviticus says-”
“What the fuck, man?!” Kirishima shouts angrily. Others join in.
“What is wrong with you?!” “Why would you say something like that?” “Yeah, that’s not cool!”
The voices come together and Izuku can’t tell who’s saying what anymore.
“Deku.”
Izuku looks up. Kacchan stands above him, hand outstretched. Izuku grabs it and stands, wobbly on his feet.
“You’re drunk. Go to your dorm and sleep it off. I don’t want to hear anything like that again, you fucking asshole.”
There are tears in Kacchan’s eyes. Izuku sways. Then, nods and stumbles toward the elevator, followed by quick, urgent speech from his classmates still sitting in the circle. He hears the words “Homophobe” and “Aizawa” as the doors close.
When Izuku wakes up the next morning, his head is pounding. He groans, rolling onto his side and trying to cover his eyes, light streaming in through the window. He thought he’d closed his curtains before he passed out.
“No can do, Problem Child. Sit up.”
Izuku jumps, cracking his eyes open to see Aizawa sitting on the foot of his bed. He pushes himself up onto his elbows.
“There’s water and Tylenol next to your lamp. Trash can on the floor if you need it.”
Izuku nods blearily and sits up fully, groaning with the effort. He takes the pills and drinks three hearty gulps of water.
“Thanks, Sensei,” Izuku croaks. His head still pounds, but the water helps a bit.
Aizawa nods then takes a deep breath. “Do you want to tell me what happened last night? I’ve already heard what your classmates have to say about it. I want to hear your side, though.”
Izuku sits, staring into his lap. The room is silent save for the birds chirping outside and his and Aizawa’s breathing.
A minute passes as Aizawa looks around Izuku’s dorm. “You know, I noticed you had a crucifix on that wall last year. It’s gone now. And you stopped wearing one around your neck, too. Do you want to tell me about that?”
Izuku looks up. Aizawa’s face is neutral. No judgment or anger or anything, really. Just openness.
“I couldn’t look at it anymore. Not knowing…” Izuku trails off.
“Knowing what, kid?”
The softness in Aizawa’s voice is what breaks him. He starts to cry.
“Knowing the way that I am.”
Aizawa moves up the bed and puts a hand on Izuku’s shoulder. “It’s okay, go on.”
“I just- my whole life, I was told that being this way is wrong, that people who are like this are going to Hell. My mom believes in His word and she’ll follow Him wherever He leads her. She’s always told me that His word is true and I need to follow it every day. Love my neighbor, help those who have less…”
“Be straight?” Aizawa asks.
Izuku laughs a bit, sniffling and wiping the tears off his face. “She didn’t say that, but…”
“It was implied?”
Izuku nods, slowly. “I know my mom loves me. I just don’t know how she’d react if I told her. The church we’ve always gone to says that the Bible is meant to be interpreted as written and… I figure that if my mom keeps going there every Sunday, she must believe it too.”
Aizawa nods, thoughtfully.
“Problem child, can I suggest something?”
Izuku nods. Aizawa takes his hand.
“Talk to your classmates. They’re mad at you right now because they think that you hate a good number of them. Tell them you don’t. Explain your upbringing to them and tell them that you’re gay. They’ll understand.”
Izuku’s breath catches in his throat. He’s never heard that word used to refer to himself. He’s never dared use it before.
“And Izuku?”
He looks up as Aizawa stands, knees popping.
“I’m referring you to Hound Dog. You need to talk about these things. I know how hard it can be.”
Izuku’s eyes widen with wonder. “You?”
“Yes, I’m gay too. I have a wonderful husband. And while I know it’s not the same, I was raised Christian. I heard a lot of the same things you did and kid? Let me tell you, it’s not worth it to listen.”
Aizawa ruffles Izuku’s hair and then makes his way to the door.
“And don’t ever let me find out people have been drinking in the dorms like this again.”
With that, the door is closed and Izuku is once again alone.
It takes two hours for Izuku to build the courage to talk to his classmates. He makes sure he’s dressed, his teeth are brushed, and his hair is clean. He dismisses the text from his mother asking if he wants to come to mass tomorrow. He’ll respond later, tell her he’s too busy packing for break.
When Izuku enters the common room, all previous chatter stops. The room is silent and everyone stares at him. He can feel the anger and confusion in the air.
“I’m sorry. For what I said last night. That wasn’t- it didn’t come out right and-”
“We heard you loud and clear! Don’t say it didn’t come out right! You didn’t have to deal with the fallout!” Ochako snaps.
“Kirishima cried for hours. You know how important his faith is to him, I thought it was important to you, too. How dare you imply that he isn’t a good Catholic just because he’s gay!” Momo jumps in, voice soft but seething.
“Deku, I don’t know what crawled up your ass, but we can’t be friends if you really think-”
That’s it. He can’t hold it in anymore. He can’t lose his Kacchan.
“I’m gay!”
The room falls silent again. Izuku takes the opportunity, hands shaking.
“I’m gay and I’ve been so so scared for anyone to find out. Everything I said, I was saying about me. My church, my mom, everyone always told me it was wrong. I tried so hard for so long to just… be what God wanted me to be, but I can’t. I've had a hard time accepting it and I’m sorry that I took it out on all of you. That wasn’t fair and I promise, it will never happen again. I’m sorry.”
Kirishima, formerly silent, stands from the couch and walks forward, wrapping Izuku into a hug.
“I get it, man. I do. I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions without asking more questions.”
“And I’m sorry for pushing you to share secrets when you weren’t doing okay. That wasn’t fair either,” Mina says.
Izuku nodded and Kirishima released him, giving him a pat on the back. Kacchan stood and walked over to Izuku, grabbing him by the shoulders and staring straight into his face and, in a voice quiet enough for just Izuku to hear, says “Welcome to the club, Deku. Knew you’d be joining us.”
Kacchan turns to the room and snaps.
“Kitchen, now! We’re making brunch!”
Cheers go up around the room and everyone marches to the kitchen. Izuku is dragged along, like he often is in the course of his life, but this time, it’s with Kacchan holding his hand.
He hopes this moment lasts forever.