Chapter Text
It all begins when he’s fifteen and he looks at his annoying roommate differently, as in, Kyle Walker has abs now and toned muscles and a strong jaw and a deep voice that bounces off the walls with ease. He’s grown taller over the summer, he’s got stubble lining his chin and he walks around the place like he’s a real man working a nine to five job, going against the enemy that is the Rush Hour on the tube with a good woman waiting for him at home.
It begins with this- with Dele trying not to glance at Kyle when he would get out of the shower, a huge towel draped across his waist, a cocky grin on his face as he sang the lyrics to another drill song- this time Russ- a carefree teenager unknowingly placed next to a storm, the storm brewing inside of Dele which he was desperate to suppress. Because he couldn’t be.
Kyle tosses his towel off casually without warning and Dele breathes in sharply, scoots closer to the wall and shifts his eyes towards the telly. There’s a premier league match on- it’s the derby, Manchester City against United and on screen Pep stares coolly ahead, a bald man full of wisdom as his team go one nil up, Aguero running up to the away fans with a hand to his ear, provoking a response.
‘’Ever heard of decency?’’ Dele says evenly, praying his voice doesn’t tremble. It’s times like these where he resorts to sarcasm, to the dry humour ingrained into their systems because of the shitty lifestyles they’ve been socialised into. Ever since the age of four- ever since he could remember - he had been moved around from place to place, care home to care home like a doll, had changed schools several times and now he had been here with Stacey since he was twelve; 5 people all in a children’s care home, all considered worthless by their biological parents, all expected to somehow forget this fact, to not - as Stacey had said - ‘ Allow it stop them from achieving their dreams .’
Kyle barks out a laugh but doesn’t appear to care enough to respond, he turns towards the telly instead as he puts on his boxers languidly. His eyes light up at the sight of the scoreline.
‘’One day that’ll be me.’’ He says looking towards Dele determinedly afterwards, as if daring him to challenge the statement.
And Dele, he’s never been much of a darer so he doesn’t say anything, but inside-always the pessimistic one- he goes yeah right . Because if there’s one thing he was sure of, it was that people like them didn’t get anywhere, not anywhere of use anyways. Take Jamie Vardy , for instance, the most recent person to leave the home, he was now 19 and a drug addict, he would come and visit every so often, tell Stacey how great he was doing, whilst his fingers lingered on the lighter in his back pocket. He was a nobody. Useless, really. They all would be.
When Dele is seventeen he gets himself a girlfriend. It feels like he’s won something, feels like he’s won a prize, when Ruby gives him a blowjob after school or when she openly walks up to him in the corridors. She’s the fittest girl in school. It feels like a prize . He feels normal for a while.
Jesse doesn’t believe him when he mentions it offhandedly during homework hour which Stacey had set firmly as it was an academic year of A-Levels and Kyle scoffs and drops his towel to the floor as part of his daily morning routine and Dele is once again forced to look away.
‘’It’s true.’’ Dele tells Jesse as they play Snakes and Ladders one evening. ‘‘Ruby Mae. I know you’ve heard of her.’’
‘’What’s true?’’ Stacey intervenes as she walks past them with a bunch of clothes in her hand. She’s got smears of red and blue paint on her cheeks and Dele thinks she must have been having one of her ‘artistic’ days.
Jesse smirks. ‘‘Dele claims he’s got a girlfriend.’’
The snitch. He probably couldn’t wait to get that one out. Dele kicks him underneath the table which causes the counters on the board game to shake and small Ella who’s just turned six glares daggers at Dele before grabbing his red counter and sliding it all the way down the longest snake. ‘ Hmph .’ she says.
‘’A girlfriend?’’ Stacey repeats happily. ‘That’s great. When can we meet her, Dele?’’
Jesse frowns like Stacey is mad. ‘‘Wait. You actually believe him?’’
‘‘Focus, Jesse!’’ Ella groans. ‘‘It’s your turn to roll the dice!’’
‘‘You’re joking right.’’ Dele deadpans, casting a weary glance towards Stacey. He thinks of Ella and her obsession with board games, of Stacey with her cringey imtryingtobeamotherfigure mannerisms, of Vardy who pops in every now and then smelling of smoke, of Meghan the weirdest of them all who never talked to anyone, of the pure and simple fact that he’s in a care home. ‘ ‘You think I’m bringing her back to this dump?’’
Stacey’s face falls and so does one of the T-shirts she was carrying. ‘’Dump?’’ she repeats bending down to pick up the shirt. ‘’Dele we’re your family.’’
‘‘ Family .’’ Dele spits the word like it's poison. What even was a family? ‘‘I don’t even know who mine are. ’’
‘‘Dele.’’ she lowers her voice and subtly glances at Ella who looks at them in confusion. Besides her, Jesse is staring at him carefully. Dele has more words of rage poised on the tip of his tongue but he manages to hold it in and breathes out.
‘‘I’m going to my room.’’ He says instead. Instead of yelling that they were all living a lie, skirting the truth that they all weren’t wanted and so had been dumped together. It wasn’t a family it was just a convenient way of living. It was Stacey’s job and as much as she claimed to love them as if they were her own, she was still getting paid for all of them at the end of the day.
Ella and Jesse blink at him as he trudges up the stairs. Kyle’s there doing press-ups, he looks up when Dele enters, sweat gleaming off of his forehead. He’s shirtless and Dele realises that the familiar sharp feeling in his stomach is back and he hates himself, hates himself so much. Kyle stands up and he’s got a sharp v-line, a heavily toned stomach, everything is in HD, everything is too much.
Kyle says his name, a pull back into reality. ‘’You done Mr Jenkins’ homework?’’
Dele feels like he’s two steps behind. ‘’Huh?’’
‘’Maths.’ Kyle says, slowly. ‘You know, school ?’’
‘‘Oh.’’ Dele shakes his head, tries to shake his thoughts. ‘’Yeah.’’
‘‘Cool. Can I copy?’’ He moves towards his rucksack and brings out his maths folder, some worksheets fall out messily. He briefly wonders why Kyle has been so busy really but then lets the thought go like a balloon.
‘‘Sure whatever.’’ Dele shrugs and goes to lie on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, counts to two hundred and then three hundred before he goes back downstairs.
He apologises to Stacey quietly whilst she cooks dinner and she smiles at him but it seems slightly strained, like she’s still sad about it. Dele hates the feeling of guilt gnawing at his skin and chipping away. Later, at around eight he goes to Ella’s room and reads her a bedtime story and she giggles at all the right parts before her eyes flicker slightly and soon she’s fast asleep. When he’s leaving her room, Stacey is there, it seems premeditated, as if she knew he would be there. Like she knows that Dele’s still a good boy behind the mask.
‘‘Thanks for doing that for Ella.’’ She says quietly. The light of the moon casts shadows upon her face through the window at the end of the hallway. They both instinctively look towards Meghan’s closed bedroom door, a symbol of isolation.
‘‘It’s whatever.’’ He doesn’t want to talk a lot and so tries to walk past but she says his name this time, with more authority. The few times when she tries to be authoritative is usually when she’s serious, apart from that they’re free to call her by her first name and treat her like their peers but now her eyebrows were furrowed together, her short blonde hair entangled as it felt the aftermath of a long day.
Dele pauses and looks back.
‘’You seem off lately.’’ She starts with tentatively as if treading across cold water. He can visually see her picking the right words in her head. ‘’Is it to do with academic pressures? You know I would never-’’
‘‘It’s not that.’’ He interrupts. And she says academic pressures like he goes to Brampton or something. His school is local, with one of the poorest test scores in the borough- it wasn’t like they were under pressure to be the next Einstein or anything.
She seems surprised as if she were so sure she had figured it out and Dele is sure he doesn’t want her to- whatever there was to figure out.
‘‘I’m really tired, Stacey.’’ He yawns for emphasis like the amazing actor he is. ‘’I just want to sleep.’’
‘‘Okay.’’ she says after peering at him for too long. ‘’Okay, you’re right. Good night, Dele.’’
++
‘’So where do you actually live?’’ Ruby asks him after school. They are standing in the middle of the crowd, the voices around him raised as students are finally released from what was essentially prison. Her lips are bright red like cherries and her skin seems darker under the harsh glare of the sun. Her skirt is higher than school rules say they should be and the first two buttons of her blouse are undone. She’s a walking sinner.
‘’Around.’’ He answers. He always says that. Jesse’s the opposite, he boasted regularly that he was in a care home to work in his favour- token sympathy, Dele thought, like stating that you were disabled- it got the teachers to take pity on him and for some girls to feel the need to befriend him. Dele made him swear not to tell anyone about himself though. Dele didn’t want anyone to know. On Parents Evening he never showed up either, he didn’t want to face the questions of Why does ‘your mum’ look like that and why is she so white?
Ruby rolls her eyes. ‘’Oh come on , around ? That’s so bloody mysterious. ’’
He raises an eyebrow, slightly amused. He watches a boy stare openly at Ruby, as he walks by them. He wonders if he’s ever looked at her like that . ‘‘Mysterious? You think I’m-’’
‘‘Well yeah.’’ She makes a face like it’s obvious. And maybe Dele isn’t as socially aware as she is. He doesn’t really know the scandals, doesn’t know who got who pregnant, or who stole who’s boyfriend or who tried to sleep with the music teacher to get an A. But he wonders what people think about him- wonders all the time. Do they think he’s mysterious like Ruby does? Do they think he’s just plain weird? ‘‘ You don’t reveal much, you know.’’ She adds before leaning forward suggestively. ‘’What does it take?’’
Dele laughs and spots Kyle and Jesse leaving the school gates together, Kyle walking with a confident swagger, music blasting from his headphones, Jesse winking at a girl as he goes by. In all honesty, they could pass for brothers. He looks back at Ruby who’s moved on, her tone lighter and less sultry.
‘‘Ever been to a rich kids party?’’ she says randomly as they walk to the bus stop. A whole bunch of others are walking this way too. They usually roam around Westfield, window shopping; Dele secretly dreaming of having a father who would help him buy clothes and talk about cars and take him to football matches because he’s always low-key wanted to see one live.
Dele snorts. ‘’What like crumpets and tea and stuff?’’ He stereo-typically thinks of an outdated particular version of the upper class and ball gowns and chandeliers and the rich scent of money.
‘’ No , like vodka and sex and stuff.’’ She corrects, nudging him slightly. ‘’I know a guy, we’re childhood friends and he’s turning eighteen so.’’
The bus rumbles down the road, nearly packed. A boy pushes forward to the front of the line to make sure he gets on but stops before he pushes into Dele. He looks at him with something that looks like respect and that’s when Dele realises his arm has somehow made its way round Ruby’s slim shoulders. The boy nodded in approval and Dele turns away, looks straight ahead.
‘‘I don’t think I've ever even seen a mansion in real life.’ He admits, picking back up on their conversation. Ruby hums in response popping some gum into her mouth but Dele’s really thinking now. What if his parents were millionaires? What if they had both been too busy travelling across the world that they had decided to give up their little son? And maybe they had been so busy that they’d forgotten to pick him back up again. Or maybe he had been kidnapped from his parents at a young age and Stacey had rescued him. Maybe his parents just didn’t want him.
The bus arrived and they climbed on, squashed amongst a sea of bodies. Ruby leaned her head against his chest and chewed her gum, placing a hand in the pocket of his black trousers. The doors close.