Archive of Our Own ^beta

“What’s a Shlong?”

Disclaimer: I don’t own Dandadan

“Nothing today either…” 10-year-old, Ken Takakura sighed to himself, staring out across the rooftop he’d snuck into earlier that day. With a heavy heart he started to pack up his alien meeting equipment and left the roof. Another day, another failed attempt at meeting aliens. He thought gloomily.

All his life, ever since little grade school Ken picked up that magazine at the supermarket, his whole life’s goal was to meet a real, live alien to make friends with. He’s tried everything, from making crop circles in nearby fields (with rocks pressing into the grass), to sending out light signals (waving glowsticks around at night), and even trying to make a satellite (a hodgepodge of random things duct taped together). But nothing, not even a blip.

“Maybe they’re like everyone else, maybe they just don’t like me or think I’m a doofus…” He muttered to himself, clenching his backpacks straps with his eyes glued to the road in front of him.

He’s been alone for so long; ever since his parents got those over sea’s jobs, he’s had no one to speak to. Most kids didn’t like playing with him, those who liked to read during break didn’t like the alien magazines he’d brought to school, and his neighbor’s who watched him had their own families to deal with and they just weren’t interested in him or the occult.

When he read about how aliens were fascinated with humans and were even try making contact with us, he’s hoped and prayed with all his might that maybe he’d be one of the lucky ones. Even if they’d erased his memories afterwards, he’d be happy just for the singular crumb of attention, but now all the boy felt was disillusionment with the occult.

He was so disappointed by another failure that he didn’t realize he’d missed his usual turn and had walked far longer than he’d intended. That once he looked up, he realized that he was now standing alone on a secluded road. Everywhere he looked, he couldn’t see another soul around; he couldn’t even hear the drone of the city, only the chirping cicadas.

“W-where am I?” Ken muttered to himself, frantically looking around. This was bad, it was getting late and from what his watch said, it was about to get dark soon. I know I should turn back around, but I don’t know how long I was walking for. It’ll be dark by the time I make my way back!

Ken wasn’t afraid of the dark, no, no, no!  He just remembered all his parents’ warnings never to go out alone at night or a monster will come and eat him was all. He couldn’t be eaten before making first contact!

As the boy was psyching himself up for the probably long trip home, he noticed out of the corner of his eye a tunnel built into the hillside. It was absolutely creepy and old garbage was scattered in front of the entrance, letting one know it hasn’t been used in a long time. That is, if one were blind enough to miss said entrance covered in large, yellow signs and barricades warning to keep out and that it was closed.

I remember this, some big kids were gossiping about it. They said it’s a haunted tunnel where a lot of people disappeared a long time ago, that if you go in there you’ll also disappear. I think some of them even dare each other to go in it too…But most importantly, Ken recalled hearing by said highschoolers that this tunnel could be used as a shortcut to a nearby district near his apartment.

The boy worriedly gnawed on his lip, carefully weighing his options. On one hand if he turned around now, he’ll definitely get back home, but it’ll be too dark to see and he’ll probably be eaten for his trouble. On the other hand, he’d have a quicker route home, but he’ll have to brave a dark tunnel first and risk disappearing forever.

The boy loitered a few minutes more, but seeing the sun going down made his decision.

“I’ll be okay! Plenty of those kids come back! After all there’s no such things as ghosts!” Ken assured himself, ducking under a barricade and pulling out his most prized possession. A limited-edition alien flashlight, one that he’d won from a local arcade with almost a months’ worth of allowance to get. Flicking it on, it filled the tunnel with an obnoxious green light. “I just have to head straight and I’ll be home in to time!”

The tunnel was eerily quiet, the only noise Ken could hear was his own footsteps and the boy’s own breath. Even with the green light, the tunnel still seemed impossibly dark, it’s weak light only illuminating a few steps forward. In fact, if Ken didn’t know any better, he could’ve sworn that it seemed to be expanding in front of him, looking never-ending.

After a few minutes the boy started nervously singing to calm himself, “Just keep walking, just keep walking…” Ken couldn’t help but tremble somewhat in fear and the chill of the underground, regretting his choice of shortcut. Maybe I should just turn back, I might still have enough time to get back before the sun is completely down…no, don’t be a coward! If I can’t cross a dumb tunnel, then what right do I have to befriend aliens! I have to be brave!

That bravely quickly shriveled up when the boy’s eyes caught sight of a barefoot print. Normally it would be weird, I mean, why would someone have walked down a dusty site barefoot? But what was alarming was that it almost seemed to made out of blood.

“Huh-!?” The boy let out a gasp of terror, his heart seizing up and backing away, almost dropping his flashlight. “B-blood!?” With trembling hands, he lifted his flashlight to see more and more foot prints: along the walls and, somehow, the ceiling too, but those on the ground almost seemed to be leading behind him.

Terrified, the boy whirled around to flee, only to freeze when his light illuminated a hunched figure in front of him.

It was an old hunched over woman, her brown skin was winkled and creased like old leather, overshadowed by a huge bush of white hair. What was most striking about her was her eyes, they were huge, yellow and crossed in opposite directions, they also seemed to have a spiral-like pattern surrounding her pupil.

The woman’s eyes then suddenly cracked in an unnatural pattern, making a sickening squelching noise, righting themselves to squint over the light at the figure in front of her.

“I’ll let you suckle on my teats, if you let me gobble your schlong.” The really old lady grinned, making a weird smacking noise with her lips.

Ken, caught so off guard that his fear of the mystery footprints was momentarily forgotten, blinked at her in confusion, “What’s a schlong?” He asked innocently, tilting his head to the side like a puppy, the word feeling strange on his lips.

The woman also blinked at the sound at the really young sounding voice. Taking a closer look, she realized rather than the terrified teenage menace she was expecting, it was some snot nosed toddler.

“What the hell are you doing here, ya brat!? Shouldn’t you be suckling on your mother’s teat and shitting your pants at home!?” The woman huffed, irritated at the small fry she caught. The brat’s voice hasn’t even cracked yet, let alone had his balls dropped. He can’t even be considered a nibble, let alone a snack! Tch, he’s not worth the effort of cursing, let alone eating him; I wasted my energy showing myself for nothing. “Bah, what a waste of time…” Turbo Granny grumbled to herself, turning away.

Ken taken off guard by her rude demeanor, stuttered, forgetting about the blood-stained footprints entirely. “Er…I was taking a shortcut home…” He hesitatingly answered the crabby lady.

“I don’t care, you’re not supposed to be sneaking around here! Didn’t you read the signs?! This tunnel is closed, are your glasses just for show or are ya too stupid to read?!”

“Hey! You’re here too!”

“Don’t you sass me, ya brat! I can go wherever I want, whenever I want! No fucking sign will tell me where I can and can’t go! Now go run home to your mommy or something!” The old woman snarled, turning away once again and going deeper into the tunnel.

Turbo Granny only walked a few steps away when she heard a second set of steps following her. “Oh, my fucking-!” She cursed before whirling around at the toddler following her, “Oi, don’t follow me! I told ya to beat it!”

The toddler had the audacity to give her a deadpanned look, “I am!” He sassed, walking around and ahead of her.

“Where do you think you’re going!?”

“I’m going home! Like I said, this is a quicker route!” He said walking deeper in and towards something that’ll happily snack on him if he manages to wake them up. The old woman easily caught to him in a blink of an eye, causing the kid to flinch back in surprise, but he still stubbornly continued on.

“Don’t go this way! Leave the way you came from!” She warned the brat, in an uncharacteristic show of compassion.

“Why! I have to go through here or I’ll be eaten by a monster before I make it home!”

“What monster are you talking about, runt?”

Ken sighed, like the old woman was being deliberately obtuse. “My parents told me if I don’t get home after dark, a monster will come out, take me away to its lair and eat me.” He explained slowly.

“That monster lives here, ya dimwit! If you wake it up, it’ll definitely eat you now rather then maybe finding you later!”

“Wait it’s real…” The boy paused for a moment before stubbornly continued his march. “It’s a chance I have to take!”

Turbo Granny stared in bewilderment as she watched the little idiot march towards almost certain death, before grumbling. After a moment of consideration, she closed the distance once again and grabbed the kid’s hand and, in an act of mercy, she shrouded the brat with her power to prevent the crab spirit from taking notice. Once she was satisfied that he was sufficiently cloaked, she started walking him to the other side.

“What are you doing?” Ken asked with a wide-eyed expression, his eyes riveted on the gnarled hand clasping his.

“Shut. Up.” She hissed, “I’m going to be nice just this once and get you out of here. I can’t be bothered with you and the bullshit commotion you’ll cause if you get yourself killed; just shut ya yap and walk.” Turbo Granny emphasized, tugging the child forward, causing the boy to stumble a bit to keep up.

Just this brat being here will agitate the girls, the elderly yokai thought, dragging the now obedient Ken out of her domain. Thankfully, the spirits sharing her home were still dormant at this time of day; but she needed to get the kid out of here and quickly. Killing or eating him will just bring the pigs and the so called ‘ghost hunters’ out of the woodwork and wind up the spirits even more with them trampling all over the place with their fancy gadgets. Either way, killing the brat isn’t worth it. The old woman nodded to herself, not noticing the sparkling eyes of the child in her hold.

Once they reached the other side, the old yokai retrieved her hand and power, as well as giving the kid a good slap to the head for good measure. Funnily enough, the kid seemed almost to be bursting with joy, not minding the slap. “Here we are. Get lost. And don’t let me catch you sneaking around here again, I won’t be as nice, next time.”

“Hmph, what a strange brat.” She grumbled as the boy waved to her as he ran home. “Oh well,” She huffed as she returned to her tunnel, “At least I’ll never see the brat again, if he knows what’s good for him.”

The brat came back.

Turbo Granny could only stare incredulously at the brat, who was vibrating at the tunnel entrance armed only with an overstuffed backpack. Thankfully it was almost noon so the girls were safely asleep, but it hasn’t even been a full half day since the brat left.

“And what.” She bit out, glaring at the tiny interloper. “Are you doing back here? I thought I told you to fuck off and to never return!”

“No, you didn’t.” Ken smiled up at her. “You told me not to sneak around here. I can’t sneak around or get caught if you already know I’m here.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it, you little shit! Besides, shouldn’t you be getting ready for a nap or school or something? I don’t know what toddlers are up to these days.”

“I’m not a toddler, I’m ten years old! Besides its Sunday and summer break anyways!” Ken argued back.

“Whatever, what are you doing back here? Shouldn’t you be bugging someone else?” Turbo Granny huffed, blocking the entrance with her body. Her point still stood from yesterday, she didn’t want to clean up the aftermath if the girls woke up to find a boy in their final resting place. Even if said boy hasn’t even hit puberty yet.

Ken suddenly became sheepish, quietly kicking a few stray stones by his feet, nervous all of a sudden. He was risking prime alien hunting time, but this old lady was the first adult in a while to actually physically interact and talk with him.

Now, he still talked to his parents over the phone, but considering the long-distance call cost, it was always brief. Beyond the standard ‘how are you’ and ‘are you doing well in school’ he could never freely talk to his parents, let alone talking about his hobbies or interests before they had to hang up.

He didn’t have friends and most kids didn’t think he was cool enough to talk to.

And don’t even get him started with the teachers. Not only were they too busy handling all the other kids and class, they didn’t care about one lonely student. That being said, not even Ken was that desperate enough for company to become a teacher’s pet.

Maybe, just maybe this old woman was in the same boat as him and was just as lonely if not more so. Why else would she be hanging out all alone in the forest warning little kids off, looking and acting like a fairytale witch with her both her demeanor and appearance. Perhaps she lived alone nearby in the forest and her only chance at human company was to chase people off for their own safety.

Seeing her face twist unhappily, Ken realized he needed to deploy his secret weapon. “I wanted to comeback and thank you!” He burst out, causing the lady to jump slightly at his sudden shout.

“Thank me? For what?” However, Ken had already taken off his backpack and was digging through it. He finally pulled out a small box of mochi he’d bought from a nearby convince store and handed it out to her.

Completely caught flat-footed the yokai took it mechanically before shaking her head. “Hate to break it to ya, but I don’t like sweets…” Ken was prepared.

“Yeah, I wasn’t sure either, so that’s why I got other things.” He said, pulling out super spicy siracha chips, regular potato chips, onigiri, sour hard candy and other foods he thought old people might like. Turbo Granny stared at the small pile of snacks silently, completely gob smacked and then stiffly turned to the boy who looked like an eager puppy.

“Kid…” She finally spoke, her voice devoid of emotion. “Don’t you know not to speak to strangers? Haven’t you got better things to do than bothering an old woman you’ve only met briefly? Shouldn’t you be hanging out with friends and doing-I don’t know, drugs or tipping over cows?”

Ken deflated again, “I don’t have any friends and my parents are out of the country. I thought that maybe you’re lonely, being out here with no foot traffic or anything…”

“Jeez, that’s pathetic.” The old woman’s words felt like they struck him. “Just because I didn’t want you becoming a bloody stain that I have to deal with, doesn’t equal to me caring about you. It would’ve been too much of a hassle to clean up. Besides why the hell do you think I’m lonely? I’m perfectly content not being bothered by all this modern era crap.” Turbo Granny huffed, looming at the rigid child. “In fact, I’ll be ecstatic if little snotnosed shits would quit bothering me by entering my tunnel. I’m quite insulted by you assuming things about me, we met for barely five minutes and you think you know what I’m thinking or feeling. Here’s a piece of advice kid, ‘assuming makes an ass out of you and me.’ Get it through your thick head: don’t you dare think you know what older people are thinking or going through, you’ll just make an ass out of yourself and be lonely for the rest of your miserable life. Anyways, I can guarantee you that have better things to waste your time on rather than bothering me out of misplaced pity or unity.” She spat.

Ken could only bow his head, struggling to hold back tears. I knew it, I knew I was reading too much into things…

Turbo Granny, for her part could only sigh at the awkwardness between them, feeling almost sorry for the brat. Almost. Lonely? Me? Hah! What bullshit! She thought scornfully, before shaking her head ruefully, trying to ignore the wisps of memory clinging to the back of her mind. Back before she came to Shono City, before she even became a yokai…

She was about to leave the brat to stew on her words, when her eye caught on the pile of snacks again. It has been a long time since she had any decent food. Since she’s one of the eldest and a powerful yokai at that, she can easily sustain herself on her own power with no need to feed, whether it be food or on humans. However, indulging in human food, snacks especially, is a guilty pleasure she hasn’t fulfilled in quite a while...

Oh, what the hell. Why not? She thought taking the spicy chips and sitting beside the still moping brat. The kid will probably get bored and leave soon, might as well enjoy his bounty for now.

The boy startled out of his depressive stupor and stared at the woman who frowned back. “Well, are ya gonna sit down or are you going to loom over me while I eat. If you don’t hurry up and pick something I’ll eat everything.” Turbo Granny huffed, patting the ground next to her as she began munching on the chips, relishing in the spice exploding on her tongue.

After the boy hesitantly knelt beside her and took his own pack of chips, the yokai continued. “I mean it kid; you do have better things to do and people to meet if you truly look for it. That being said, if you insist on wasting your time, then more power too ya. You want to waste your youth by talking to me then fine, I’m not the boss of you nor your mommy.”

She paused to cough, as a chuck of flavoring lodged in her throat before continuing. “On the same vein, if you do insist on bothering me, then you’re going have to endure my sharp tongue, I don’t suffer fools after all. But I’ll warn you just once more. If you do insist on visiting me for whatever reason, then never, ever enter the tunnel at night unless I’m with you and for god’s sake stop being so trusting!” She scolded. “I could’ve killed you easily and no one would find out for a long time, years possibly. Haven't your teachers or parents ever taught you the concept of stranger danger, seems like I need to correct their oversight it seems. Well, what are you waiting for, stop staring at me and eat already!”

She said with a huff as she tore into another pack of chips. The boy looked on as the woman wolfed down the chips before smiling and dug in himself.

“By the way obaa-san…”

“Don’t you have any manners? You’re not supposed to talk to people while they’re eating.”

“You just finished five packs of chips; you’re not eating at the moment!”

“Gah, fine, what?”

“You never answered my question last night.”

“Question?”

“What is a schlong, anyways?”

“I’ll tell ya when your balls drop, so put a quirk in it or keep eating.”

“My balls?”

“I told ya to shut up!”

The two didn’t do much after that, they just quietly mowed through Ken’s supply of treats and listening to the near silent sounds of the city nearby. Before either of them realized it, the sun was starting to set and Ken had to return home,

“Bye-bye Granny! I’ll see you tomorrow!” He said excitedly as he ran back home. Turbo Granny was shocked to feel her own lips twitch into a reluctantly fond smile

“Tch, I’m getting sentimental in my old age.” The old woman grumbled, annoyed with her uncharacteristically sappy behavior. “At least he got the decent quality snacks.” She assured herself that was the reason and not the long-forgotten embers of her past being stoked. “Might as well enjoy his company, and more importantly treats, while it lasts.” She looked at the mochi she’d first rejected, still sitting unopened at the tunnel entrance despite the two eating the pile it came from. “Ah well, it’ll be a waste for someone not to eat it, maybe one of the girls would be interested.”

If someone had been in the vicinity of the tunnel that night, new rumors of the sound of a gaggle of girls fighting over sweets within would’ve circulated on the internet overnight.

To the old yokai’s surprise, the brat continued to visit her.

Sometimes daily during breaks, and at least three times a week when school was back in session. Every time the kid, Ken Takakura, he’d later introduced himself as, came; she’d envelope him with her power as precaution against the girls, it wouldn’t do that her snack dealer met an unfortunate fate against the crab spirit.

As the years passed, she had to do it less and less, for before long the girls started to see him as an extension of her to the point, they didn’t even stir at his presence at night anymore. She still did it though, better safe than sorry after all…

Turbo Granny would never admit it, but she had reluctantly grown fond of him. While she swears up and down and to even Budda himself that she’s just in it for the snacks he’d bring, she still had to give him credit where credit was due.

He was a good listener in that he’d hum in agreement whenever she’d rant and rave, never minding her insults. In some cases, he found them rather funny and would intentionally rile her up to get memorable diatribes at her current irk of the week. Sometimes, he’d even engage her in heated debates just to press her buttons, proving he has a sharp tongue hidden underneath his mousey appearance. It was something she’d normally hate, but since he usually plied her with yakisoba bread beforehand, she had magnanimously forgiven Ken for such slights.

Once in a while she’d even return the favor and listen to him prattle on and on about aliens or whatever occult nonsense his favorite magazine vomited onto the pages.

“So, what are UAP’s anyway?” She’d ask, tapping a thin finger against the glossy page.

“They’re unidentified ariel phenomena! They’re space crafts used by intergalactic species to traverse the universe!”

“Just say UFO’s, dumbass! It’s easier to remember!”

“The Flat-woods monster? I’ve always wondered what that Sumo Stooge was.” She huffed, eagerly digging into the yakisoba bread while glaring at the figure pictured in the magazine.

“Sumo Stooge?” Ken asked, his ears pricking up and giving her his full attention.

“Yeah, I hate him, he’s always stomping around here and causing tremors. I can’t tell you how many times he’s disturbed the girls and I had to calm them down again.” She swallowed the rest of the bread and belched, before draining a can of tea. “If I weren’t so busy with that, I would’ve chased him down and tanned his hide! After eating his dong beforehand, of course.”

“…Could you maybe tell me where in the general vicinity he likes to hang out?”

“Don’t even think about it, brat. He’ll crush you like the pest you are. Stop using your phone to look up sumo-related locations, you won’t find him. Give it here, brat!””

“So, you admit that Nessie is fake!”

“No! I’m saying it’s a cover up!”
“THAT’S THE SAME THING!”

“NO, IT’S NOT, YOU UNEDUCATED HAG!”
“DON’T YOU SASS ME!”

When Ken both entered and graduated from middle school, Turbo Granny had journeyed out of her tunnel for the day to attend the ceremonies, unseen by those around them. Ken at that point had been saturated with her power for so long, that he can see her without her expanding energy outside her domain.

She even let him convince her to take a picture with him in front of the high school, since his parents couldn’t make it and she was his closest adult companion at that point.

Turbo Granny had humored Ken and chuckled knowingly when he was loudly complaining to the confused and pitying photographer that the camera had glitched out and Granny wasn’t visible in the photo. He had wanted to retake it, but Granny refused, saying it’ll be a waste of time and she’d wanted ramen afterwards.

Throughout it all, it was only him and Granny, mom and dad couldn’t get the time off to come visit him and the boy still remained reclusive to his peers. When they weren’t ignoring the space he’d be occupying, they would bully him relentlessly for his interests. However, he was able to endure it, happy he knows that he has one place where one soul was willing to humor him and let him talk about the occult.

Turbo Granny for her part, didn’t bring up Ken’s apparent isolation from his peers. Like she’d told him when they first met; it wasn’t her any of her business and he wasn’t her problem, just a brat that liked to waste both his and her time and bring her snacks.

Neither mentioned the fact she that sometimes asked if his balls grew in yet to actually talk to people. Or if he’d finally punched one of his classmates in the dick to get them off his back. Or if he actually talked to a girl for more than five seconds in a non-school related setting. To them it was her just being the same crotchety old woman, same as usual. Though Ken will never admit that his heart warmed at the thought of his pseudo-grandma being worried for him in her own cranky way.

All of that soon changed in highschool, when that gyaru girl challenged Ken to a bet one day.