Archive of Our Own ^beta

saying goodbye before christmas break isn’t easy. saying goodbye before any break isn’t easy because they’re all so stupidly codependent and their bloody separation anxiety kicks in right away. splitting up one direction is a bad idea. but it’s christmas and they have to go home: liam to wolverhampton, zayn to bradford, louis to doncaster, harry to holmes chapel, and niall to mullingar. they’re all at heathrow airport, standing in a little circle, and no one wants to be the first to talk. the quicker someone talks, the quicker they say goodbye.

“see you next year, i guess?” niall speaks up first.

“don’t change too much on me.” louis grins.

“you really think we’re going to change that much in two weeks?” liam laughs. he glances down at his hand, locked in zayn’s like that’s where it belongs

“you’re one to talk, li. for all we know, zayn and haz could shave their heads.”

“i’m not shaving my head, don’t worry.” zayn says.

“stay cute, ni.” louis laughs.

“i’ll try my best, lou.”

“i have to go, my flight’s soon. happy christmas, boys.” harry says. “and, happy birthday, lou.” he hands him a wrapped package. “niall, can we talk? quickly,”

niall grabs harry’s bicep and pulls him out of their tight huddle. “hey.” he smiles.

“hi. ‘m gonna miss you.” harry whispers.

“gonna miss you more.”

harry thinks fuck it and pulls niall closer to him and kisses him. niall wraps his arms around harry’s neck and kisses back. they’ve done this before, it’s not something new. but this time it’s so different and. they’re not. this isn’t. they hook up sometimes, that’s it. friends with benefits or fuck buddies or something. but not feelings. feelings make it real. and as far as they both know, there are no feelings. they’re just single and lonely. harry’s cute, niall’s cute, so why not.

but this isn’t like anything they’ve ever felt before. for the first time, harry feels something kissing niall. something warm inside his stomach. it’s not a new feeling, but it’s new in terms of kissing niall, who’s so familiar by now, it’s brand new.

niall pulls away first and blinks a few times and harry’s face is the darkest shade of red.

“get it!” louis yells from the huddle, and niall’s blush is almost matching harry’s.

“s-sorry. call me when you’re in ireland,” harry mutters to niall. he picks up his bags and heads down to the gate he’s boarding at.

he turns his phone on when they say he can again. he’s got five texts from louis (was that kiss like serious?, ni’s confused, niall looks like he might cry hes got that lost hamster look, call me when you get up to cheshire x, talk to niall please), one from his sister (i’m picking you up at the airport x), and one from niall (don’t be sorry haz). he ignores the texts and stares out the window of the plane for the whole twenty minutes he’s up in the air.

gemma notices that harry’s pensive as soon as she sees him. (“i’m fine,” he promises over and over)

he calls louis when he’s finally alone.

“quite a scene at the airport today,” louis says and harry swears he can almost feel him smirking through his mobile.

“i’m thinking i made a bad decision when i called you.”

"what even was that, haz?"

"i don't know! okay, louis, i have no idea what that was!" harry snaps.

"calm down, haz. have you and niall done that before?" louis asks. harry blinks and doesn't say anything. maybe louis won't care. and then "oh my god, you have." from louis.

"you're terrible."

"oh my god," is all louis says, and he's laughing like a madman. harry considers hanging up on him.

"it's kind of like friends with benefits. we shag but we're just best friends shagging because we're lonely."

"harry," louis is still laughing, "i don't know whether i should laugh or cry because of the image forming in my head right now. you and niall. shagging."

"i'm hanging up on you. you suck." harry presses the end call button and lays back in his bed.

clearly louis isn't giving up because he texts harry a minute later "how RUDE of you. it's after midnight you're not allowed to hang up on the birthday boy."

harry replies with "you're an asshole" to which louis replies almost instantly, "but you like assholes..." and it is so on.

harry: i don't like YOURS
louis: no just niall's ;)

harry makes a mental note to never tell louis anything again.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

niall calls harry at 11:59 on the 24th. harry manages to get away from the whatever's going on at his house and goes outside."hey," he laughs into the phone.

"wanted to be the first so. happy christmas!" niall yells into the phone.

"same to you, nialler."

"how's home?" niall asks.

"it's good, really good. miss you though." harry says.

"miss you too. can we, uh. can we talk about what happened at the airport?"

harry squeezes his eyes shut and tries to think of what he'll say when niall asks if it meant anything. he knows niall will ask. telling niall what he's really feeling about the whole thing will make it real. and real is bad. "um. sure?" he manages without his voice breaking.

he hears the door to his house open and gemma walks outside, grabbing onto his arm. "mum wants you back inside, we're opening stuff."

harry rolls his eyes at gemma and pulls his phone back to his ear. "listen, i'm outside and mum wants me back in to open some prezzies. i'll talk to you tomorrow, yeah?"

"yeah, happy christmas." niall says and the line goes dead.

harry makes a mental note to look up flights to ireland.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

harry wakes up the next morning, christmas morning, thinking about niall. about niall's eyes and how niall looks waking up next to him, and kissing niall when it matters and not just during another one of their meaningless (but so meaningful, really) hookups or fucks. kissing niall all the time like the kiss at the airport. that's what harry wants, and he wants it all the time. not just when he's lonely and niall's there.

he talks to niall later that day; they talk about christmas and presents they got ("the lads bought me a mankini!" niall tells him. "gonna model it for me one day, horan?" harry asks and hopes that maybe one day niall really will) and not once does the airport kiss come up. harry thinks it's better that way.

niall ends the call with "wanna be with you right now, i miss you so much, haz." and harry has to pretend that doesn't affect him in ways it shouldn't have. he has to pretend his heart doesn't do this funny thing and he has to pretend that he doesn't get this warm feeling in the pit of his stomach. and honestly, pretending is tiring. he doesn't want to pretend anymore. everything would be easier if he didn't have to pretend; he wouldn't be like this, just waiting to see if something might ever happen between him and niall and having to hide what he feels until it does happen.

that's when he decides he has to tell niall.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

harry finds himself on a plane to dublin international airport the next morning. he's crazy, insane even. he's like justin timberlake in that movie and niall is his mila kunis. when did his life become a damn chick flick. it'd be pretty fucking unfortunate if none of this works out after everything.

he has second thoughts about five times and strongly considers just flying back home. he can't. not after kissing niall and knowing what just kissing niall feels like. not after feeling how he's felt the past two days because he kissed niall. he can't turn around and he won't leave ireland until niall is his.

the ride from the airport to niall's is about a half hour. the worst half hour of harry's life. he calls niall about halfway though. "hey," he grins even though he's talking on the damn phone and niall can't even see him.

"hey you. don't you have something t'do? why're you wasting your time on the phone with me?" niall says.

"talking to you is never a waste of my time, ni. you should know that already."

"why're you calling then?" niall asks and it sounds like he's talking with his mouth full. he probably is.

"i can't just call up because i wanted to talk to my bestest friend in the whole world?"

"harry styles, you bloody liar. you never just call me. seriously, what's up?" niall asks.

"okay, can we talk about what happened at the airport? i want. like. i want to talk about it." harry says slowly. like he's nervous. because this. this is really about to happen. 

"what about it? was a nice snog if i say so myself. best kiss ever if i'm honest."

the warm feeling in the pit of harry's stomach is back with no sign of leaving any time soon if niall keeps this up. "r-really?" harry manages.

"hell yeah. you're a brilliant kisser, harry. has anyone ever told you that?" niall says. and does this kid ever stop talking? harry thinks niall needs to stop this before he just dies in the back of the cab or something.

"a few people maybe? don't really remember."

"you are, believe it. got one question for you though. why'd you do it? like it was nice and whatever and i liked it but why'd you do it? you usually only kiss me when we're... alone. " niall says. he couldn't have waited until harry surprised him? no of course not. that's not how niall works.

"okay. i guess this is the part where i talk about feelings. okay."

"feelings? like actual feelings. okay, wow, continue."

"alright, well, for a start, um. every time i've ever meaninglessly shagged you, it's always meant something? like. i don't know. i kissed you in the airport because i wanted to know what it was like."

"what?"

"i wanted to know what kissing you was like when we weren't hooking up or fucking. and i want that. i want to kiss you all the time."

"haz, what are you trying to say?"

"i don't even know, niall. all i know what i feel when i'm with you and sometimes i don't even know what that means. i know that i get this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach and my heart hammers against my chest. i have no idea if you feel the same or whatever. i know that i love you, niall. and other than that. i just don't know." harry finishes as the cab pulls up to niall's house. he quickly pays the driver and gets out. niall still hasn't said anything. "ni. say something. please. say something."

"i just. i know what to say. i don't want to say it on the phone. i want to say it when you're there, okay? i want you to be there when i tell you." niall says and harry's reached the front door.

"open the door, niall." harry ends the call. and waits.

"you are such a fucking cliché, harry styles." is the first thing niall says when he opens the door. but he's grinning. that's always good, right?

"hi," harry smiles and niall's hugging him and he's got niall in his arms and he's pretty sure nothing can get better than whatever he's feeling right now.

"i love you. that's what i wouldn't say on the phone. i love you, harry." then niall's lips are on harry's and they're kissing and it's better than the airport.

"fuck," harry says under his breath, "i love you, niall."