Chapter Text
A handful of days have passed since the interaction between Sebastian and me. While the moment itself may have been lackluster, my thoughts find it intricate and oddly intimate. Multiple glances, caresses, and breaths found home between the nooks of my brain as I spent countless nights lying in bed, wide-eyed and perturbed.
Despite having never spoken a word to Emily, her keenly aware radar ticked the second she noticed the deep shadows under my eyes the next day. His name never slipped through my lips every time she prompted, leaving her in a frenzy of confusion and desperation. There was something delicate stirring between us, and I'm afraid that a single whisper might shatter whatever we have into irreparable shards.
As for Sebastian and me, we've shared some words. With my frequent visits to Robin, it's natural that our dialogues clash. Although they turned into less of a clash and more of a routine, an expectation that we were going to share the briefest of small talks that hold a heavier weight than assumed at first glance. A vine of connection winds quietly between us.
...
"So, is farming fun?" Sam asks as I sip absentmindedly at a soda can. The metal clanks against the back of my teeth. My lip curls at the noise, Sam subtly grimacing similarly.
We had bumped into each other between random strolls about the town. Sam took that as an invitation to squeeze me into his congregation of friends: Abigail, Alex, Emily, and Haley. They were all talking while I was tuning into the deep sea of my thoughts.
I stutter between words before forming a coherent sentence. "Yeah. I like it a lot," I pause, "Correction. I like it enough. I'm excited for livestock, but right now it's all just boring plants." I rub my index finger around the rim of the can.
Everyone lets out chuckles sporadically.
Alex calls my name before tacking it onto his following sentence, "All the power to you. I don't think any of us could do that dirty work, especially Haley." He nudges her with his elbow. She scoffs while shoving his shoulder, leaving her hand to lay on him for another passing moment before dropping it to her side with a bright flush on her apple cheeks.
Huddled in a circle between Sam's purple living room walls leaves us close to one another, forcing everyone to take notice of Haley's blush. She ducks behind Emily and fakes a coughing fit. Her sister fails to hide a creeping smile.
In an attempt to distract, I speak up. "It's definitely rough, but y'know...I guess it's good for the soul or whatever," I shrug while taking a sip of the soda.
The conversation dies there as Haley recollects herself. Abigail and I share a strained glance. Everyone looks about expectantly, itching for something to break the silence, yet the solution hiccups and flatlines behind everyone's lips.
The woodboards ache as a reaction to any small movement, pursuing to draw more attention to the painful stalemate we all find ourselves in. Haley slips her bedazzled phone out of her pocket and clicks on it a few times. Sam runs a hand through the field of his hair. My mind begins to wander, unentertained by the lack of words at this moment.
Alex clears his throat, picking at the edge of his soda can with his thumb nail, enunciated with a loud 'tink'. All eyes flick to him.
"When's Seb showing up? He's showing up, right?" He questions with a tilt of his head.
Sam begins to elaborate. I turn to Abigail with furrowed brows. She shifts past Sam–practically switching spots–and whispers in my ear. "Everyone's here 'cause Sam, Seb, and I are gonna do a little gig in the city. We wanted to run it by a small group first."
At the mention of the city, droplets form on my skin. I provide a weak 'oh' while giving a quick nod. Abigail draws away from my ear and looks at me through strands of her purple hair.
"How'd you guys get it? The gig," I prompt.
Abigail shrugs while giving a bright smile. "No idea. Seb came up to Sam and me one day with 'awesome news' and we've been practicing like crazy since." With a bit of confusion in my look, she continues, "Seb goes into the city a lot. He likes it there."
I knew about the last part, but I didn't know he visited the city. I take that piece of information, fold it, and push it into a corner of my brain. I'm not sure why, but I do.
"Hey. Sorry I'm late, my mom was bugging the shit out of me."
Alex lets out a cheer. I turn around and there he is. Black t-shirt, distressed black baggy jeans, and silver jewelry reflecting on any piece of exposed skin. I subconsciously readjust the top I'm wearing while flicking a hair behind my ear.
Sam rushes over to Sebastian with all kinds of words spewing from his mouth. He brings his gloomy friend into an embrace. It's only then that we steal a glance at one another. With how fleeting the moment was, we were unable to provide a proper greeting.
Emily claps her hands together. "Alright, now that we're all here, let's get started on our private performance!" Alex concurs with a loud 'whoop' and soon enough, we were all filing into Sam's bedroom. Surprisingly, a room with significantly more moving room than the space prior.
As the trio plays with their instruments–keys pressed, strings plucked, and cymbals tapped–the remaining settle into the room. Emily and Haley take the bed while Alex grabs Sam's desk chair, sliding it over to the edge of the bed where Haley sits. With a glance around, I decide it best for me to take my spot on the floor next to Emily's dangling legs while Haley's fold beneath her; most of her weight leaning toward Alex.
"Have you heard them play before?" Emily questions, angling her head to look down at me. Wispy blue bangs fall over her eyes and mingle with her lashes.
"Nope, but you guys got me excited." I smile at the sight of her elated expression.
Emily nods enthusiastically, her cheeks round with joy. "I've heard them play maybe once or twice, but like...they're really good." Her eyes go wide at the enunciation, but remain steadfast on the joy she feels.
I glance at Sebastian, whose fingers dance across the keyboard in scales with ease. They move like delicate spiders waltzing together to weave a symphony of entangling melodies. His rings catch the light, emphasizing each move of his fingers.
Emily shifts back as the trio holds a brief conference. "You're gonna love it."
Her words hang next to my ear, failing to reach internally until a minute too late, when the three friends are still in preparation for their first song. Sebastian's eyes fall on his keyboard.
Sam introduces the song with a strum of his guitar, Abigail joining soon after. The two complement one another. Sebastian waits. Once a melody slips past Sam's teeth, Sebastian begins to play.
With all three instruments speaking in unison, a grand song melts into the air. It's a soft beat, gentle with a touch of sensuality in the undertones of the beat. Sam's voice weaves into the lyrics flawlessly, clearly written with a personal touch. His expression scrunches as he shifts his weight behind the mic, swaying to the beat.
Abigail somehow incorporates intense yet calm drums into the song, her wrists flicking with every bounce and vibration sent from the stick to her fingers. She pays attention to each instrument attached to her set–cymbals, hi-hat, toms, snare, kick drum, etc. – but pays no mind to them at all simultaneously. Her head bobs as she chews on her bottom lip in concentration.
Sebastian has a tranquil wash over his face. His foot taps on time against the floor, a noise that you can only hear if you're staring at the movement and leaning in specifically to notice the sound. His palm hovers above the keys while his fingers press with a seek of passion. Different fingers diligently duck and leap over others while the notes speak the language his fingers can't say aloud. His slim hand almost molds into the keyboard. Perfect for one another.
The three look nothing short of perfection. Their music is raw and true, making it all the more faultless. It felt as though I wasn't in Sam's bedroom anymore, but somewhere else altogether. The music carries into my ears as my eyes lay heavy on each player. It pulls me into another mind, something internal and non-physical.
Alongside all the spiritual feelings, I find myself staring at Sebastian. There's an uneasy feeling in my chest as I watch him focus. His brows are so close together while his hair seeks to impair his vision, although it doesn't sway him from playing.
Eventually, the musical performance comes to a close, as everything does. Abigail and Sam beam in delight at their small audience. Sebastian does the same, to a lesser degree, but doesn't reach my eyes despite looking at everyone else.
"That was awesome! I liked whatever guitar thing you threw in there, Sam. The bit that went like," Alex continues to terribly imitate the guitar through a strained pitch. Everyone laughs a bit. With a blush, Alex adds, "Yeah, that part sounded really cool."
Emily follows up with another creative compliment, and Haley nods along. Sam's smile widens. He then calls me out against the crowd. "What'd you think?"
I blink. While readjusting my seating with an awkward throat-clearing, I answered, "It was good- really good. I wasn't expecting a song with so much depth, y'know?" Silence makes me realize my mistake. "Not saying that you guys aren't in-depth! Who knows, maybe you three are all super philosophical or whatever. I just- I think it was a very good song," I shut myself up as soon as I begin, keenly aware that I was babbling with no given direction.
Sebastian lets out a chuckle, but tries to cover it up with a cough. The noise sends a trickle down my spine. I glance at his head that cranes down, the whisper of a smile ghosting his lips between the shield of his hair. I feel my lips lift at the sight. Everyone else remains blissfully silent and unaware.
"Thanks, farmer," Abigail calls out to break the tension. I smile and curtly nod in reciprocation to her purple tilt of the lips. In spite of Abigail's assistance, silence continues to double over and grow thick against our lips and ears.
Alex searches for something to add to the conversation, as does Emily, while Haley picks through the split ends of her hair, hissing between slightly parted lips every time she identifies a newly torn hair. Abigail mutters a few things to Sebastian and Sam, their conversation a subtle ambience to the thoughts scattering through my mind.
Haley smacks her lips together, her feminine way of gathering the people's attention. "So are you guys gonna play anything else, or did we get the free trial of your concert?"
The musical musketeers smile over their huddled shoulders. "If the crowd insists, I guess we could do another song or two..." Sam readjusts his mic and flicks the metallic strings of his guitar, the polished cobalt blue reflecting the light with ease. Sebastian spares me a fleeting glance.
Unbeknownst to me, that'd be the last one I catch for the rest of the day.
...
Even though Sam mentioned playing "a song or two", the band finalized running through the entirety of their setlist. Every melody was unique, but somehow melted into a cohesive lineup of songs that practically bled into one another, leading into the next with the listeners on their heels.
Of course, everyone shared a few drinks in celebration on behalf of the band's success. It meant a lot to the group, visible on their bubbling cheeks and illuminating eyes. There was an everlasting glow of hope on Sebastian's frame the entire night. There was also a noticeable distance between us the entire night.
In an attempt to distract my mind, I busied myself with everyone else: taking up conversations about the smallest things, from anyone's favorite music genre to their favorite color. It was purposeful to guide myself away from wandering glances at Sebastian.
It worked, for the most part, until late into the night when I decided to take my leave while the group huddled around the coffee table playing another round of a card game. Everyone except Sebastian, but–due to my success at ignoring his presence–I hadn't noticed.
Ignorance is bliss until you're forced to face ignorance face-to-face.
As I step outside, I decide to cut through the houses to get back to my farm. The pathway between Marnie's farm and mine has been overgrown with debris that I haven't kept up with, so that route to home became inaccessible.
As I click against the brick sidewalk, I get a scent of cigarette smoke wafting through the stagnant night air.
The melancholy rush of nostalgia thrums at my bones, and an ache for the city quickly swoops in. My steps slow into less of a walk and more of a lackadaisical saunter as I reflect on the city life. The ambience of daily traffic, random talk, and the shuffling of people who're packed like sardines with each step becomes a familiar ring in my head as I wander.
With my slow pace, I take quick notice of a figure engulfed by the night's shadows. Then the moon's light catches just right on a piece of silver jewelry. A huff of air slips through my nose as I eye the figure, slowly peeling the shadow section by section, feature by feature, before I can eventually make out Sebastian's pursed lips and harsh gaze.
I take another step, a switch for the boy to step out into the bright light of the moon. I freeze, my momentum gone, while my heels are glued to the concrete. A rush of irritable anger seeps into me the second I lay eyes on him.
"Hey," he calls out.
I watch as a blue hue illuminates highlights of his hair and the contour of his tight jaw, as rigid as a horseshoe, holding tightly onto a cigarette between his lips. His eyes, similarly to my attitude, reflect a hesitance hidden behind his dilated pupils.
I answer sourly, "Hi, Sebastian."
He takes a few long strides toward me. "Wanna smoke?" He offers while letting the cigarette slide into his slender fingers, directed towards me, "Or are you not into that?" His hand inches away.
I thrust my hand forward, as though to get a tight hold on this fleeting moment, knocking my fingers into his. I fumble with the lit cigarette in my hand, flipping it through my fingers. The cylindrical heat of socialization feels foreign to my touch. I'd smoked before with friends and taken up on smoke breaks, but this feels odd. Had I gotten too used to being here?
"Don't worry. I'm into it," I try to explain coolly while slipping the bud between my lips.
I inhale with ease. The exhale is rough as a burning sensation creeps up my throat, clawing at it raw. I turn away with a rush of coughs while extending the cigarette back in Sebastian's direction as an offering and as a way to get it away from myself. He has the audacity to laugh.
"Into it?" Sebastian echoes my last statement with a mocking tone. "Is this your first time smoking?"
With glossy eyes, I turn back his way. "You act like I wasn't living in the city for years on end," I retort with an itching irritation in my voice.
Sebastian shrugs while taking another drag. The thick smoke pools through the gaps of his teeth as he smiles at me. The gust of his exhale directs it away from me. He inhales, "Yeah, but I've met a handful of folks that don't smoke over there. Maybe you're one of them."
I shake my head. "It's just been a minute since I filled my lungs with that," I elaborate with a nod to the dulling bud. "From all the smoking you do, I'd assume you don't really stick around those 'folks' for very long."
"You'd be right." His smile lingers before wrapping his lips around the cylinder.
I roll my eyes. "Of course I am."
Silence warps around the sting of cigarette smell and our idle lips. Another exhale of intoxicating smoke into the deep night. A breeze nips at the bare skin of my arms between the quiet, causing an army of hairs to prickle at the sensation. I wrap my arms around my torso, keeping whatever heat I have circulating.
Sebastian's eyes flit to my closed posture, his expression softening into something bordering between worried and inquisitive while his lips loosen on the cigarette. Before he can say anything, I jut into the stillness, "I liked the songs."
Internally, I want to slap myself. The intention of being angry at Sebastian is a fight I'm failing to win over as I continue to stare at the object of my supposed detestation.
He grins, "Yeah?" The exhale of smoke continues to stray away from my face, purposeful on his part. He takes a step forward, breaking the barrier between grass and concrete.
I mirror his smile while nodding. "Yeah," I delay, "You're really good at playing the keyboard. It looked natural on you." Another long pause with a teasing glance and a creeping blush, "Not that Sam and Abigail aren't good- They look just as natural in how they play and sing and–"
Sebastian stuns me into silence as he blows the acridly scented memories of smoke directly into my face. It clings to my nostrils and eyelashes as I blink wildly at the boy in front of me, weighing the want to shout at him or the want to cave into whatever trance he has me in. Long talks on the front steps of my apartment throb into my mind as I glance around Sebastian's features for an indefinite answer.
He huffs out a smile. I realize I can feel the short breath on the front of my face; the realization of our distance, long gone at this moment, steadily creeps into my consciousness. The warmth of his breath crashes onto my rosy cheeks, pigmented from emotions and the cold.
"You needed to be quiet. Or else you were gonna go on some tangent like you did inside," Sebastian thoughtfully explains.
I can smell the twinge of nicotine on his every word. The snarky comment barely registers in my brain as I continue to scavenge his face for answers. The distance–or lack thereof–makes the processing delay significant.
I cough out a laugh in response. "Tangent? I was defending my...my case," I argue with a jut of my hip, my weight shifting to try and assert some territory in this conversation.
Sebastian tilts his head, a crooked smile pulling at his lips, as if to silently laugh at my assertion. "You were defending a case that didn't need defending, farmer," he counters while pressing the dying cigarette between his lips.
My brows press against the tissue above my nose. At a loss for words, I watch as he meticulously inhales and exhales. The thick of the smoke is intentionally directed away from me, but due to our proximity, the attempt is inept. It naturally climbs up my figure until it sinks into my nose.
I glance down at the cigarette, which Sebastian raises again. The light is out, and the bulk of the smoke has been shaven down to nothing but a bud; the final strings of fume limply swirling against our breaths.
Without a thought, I pinch it between my fingers and drop it to the ground. A quiet 'thwick' elongates the strain of the moment. Our stares remain steadfast on one another's as I press the ball of my foot into the bud.
"You weren't gonna get anything out of it anyway," I justify while taking a step back.
The tense air between us cracks and crumbles against our feet as the squeak of Sam's front door shouts into the aching silence. While not outright, the subtle furrow of his brow and downturn of his lip showcase the battle of confusion.
A call of Sebastian's name, and he disappears with a final glance.
"Bye, farmer."
Too annoyed to bid farewell, the only words I speak are those to myself as I grumble myself back home.