Chapter Text
Ava stifled a yawn, her whole body tensing when she realized that her head was about to literally fall into her soup and straightened up. Thankfully, looking around, it didn't seem like anyone had noticed her near mishap, except Beatrice, of course, who was sitting next to her as always and was now looking at her in a concerned, questioning way. Ava smiled at her brightly, picking her spoon back up and eating, trying to stay awake enough to get through dinner.
Even so, she knew Beatrice would ask questions again. As she had the last few days, noticing how tired Ava was the entire time. Beatrice had insisted for Ava to go to bed earlier and earlier, to Ava's despair, who had tried to convince her that everything was alright, that she would love to stay up longer and hear about her adventures in the stars and about starships and other planets. And generally, it worked, Beatrice never wanting to say no to her or to tell her to go to bed directly, not wanting it to sound like an order.
Ava felt a little bad for not telling Beatrice or anyone else what was actually going on, even when she had asked, as had Jillian and Yasmine. Ava had always waved them off and just said that she was fine, just tired, but she was running out of good excuses and even the bad ones she said jokingly, like that an owl kept hooting in front of her window and she couldn't sleep.
The truth was a lot more mundane and made Ava feel a lot worse, which was why she didn't say anything. She knew she could, or rather that she would have to eventually, probably soon even, because this was not sustainable. But she just didn't know how to approach it. Everyone was so happy, thriving for the first time since Ava met all of them. Especially Yasmine and Lilith seemed like completely different people, smiling and even laughing freely, something Ava had never thought Lilith was capable of if she was quite honest.
But being here meant they were freer than they ever had been, there was no immediate danger hanging over their heads, even when they had to keep up appearances. And ever since Shannon had woken up and told them who she truly was, things had gotten even better, especially for Lilith, who now barely went a few minutes without looking at either Mary or Shannon with an impossibly soft smile. There was talk about relocating Shannon to Mary's room, with the entire house being sworn to secrecy and the room she was in for now still being maintained as infirmary, a dummy taking Shannon's place.
Ava wasn't sure she understood everything they talked about in the frequent team meetings, only that Adriel apparently was also from the Central Authority and Shannon had been sent on a covert mission to find him years ago, because he had failed to report in, only for him to get the drop on her and imprison her for years. Captain Superion, Shannon, Lilith and Mary did the bulk of talking in those meetings, planning out a way to stop Adriel, to help the CA troops that were apparently coming here soon apprehend him.
It wasn't something Ava could much help with, so she didn't pay too much attention to what they were saying, often even dozing off several times in meetings until Beatrice or Yasmine put a gentle hand on her arm, looking at her with concern. Ava was pretty sure everyone had noticed that something was off with her, but she tried her best to deflect whenever anyone seemed like they wanted to ask her, making jokes or switching the topic.
But it was eating at her to not share this with the others. For what felt like such a long time, she had shared everything with them. Out of necessity, sure, since they had been in such close quarters, but it also had made her feel less alone for the first time in her entire life, or rather since the accident. Now, she wasn't sure how to say this one simple thing. Because it made her feel like she had while she was in the orphanage, like she was a burden, she was bothering them. And like something was wrong with her for feeling this way.
She knew they wouldn't yell at her like the nuns always had when she talked about any of her needs, which they had always deemed irrelevant, like wanting to have a say about her own life was making Ava unruly and difficult. But the shadow of Sister Frances and the others was too large, even when Ava had tried time and time again to come up with a way to tell Jillian, or Shannon now that she was awake, she always choked.
How was she supposed to tell them that while she was thankful for everything they had here, it was getting more and more difficult, bordering on impossible most nights, for her to sleep? That the big, soft, warm bed she had now, that she should be happy about, was somehow worse than having to sleep on the cold cell floor. It was hard to explain even to herself. In the first few nights, it had been alright, but then the nightmares had started.
Ava would wake up in the middle of the night, cold sweat all over her body, thinking she was back in the orphanage, that she couldn't move. The room was too quiet, too big. At first she had thought it would stop, that it was just one time, but the night after and the night after had been the same. For several nights now, she had barely slept at all, incapable of falling asleep for fear of a nightmare and then, when she did succumb to exhaustion, waking up what felt like five minutes later, panting, full of fear and not being able to get back to sleep.
She had considered asking one of the others if she could sleep in their room, but they all were so happy, it felt like intruding on their new found freedom. And there was also the fact that it would be difficult to explain, with them trying to keep up appearances that they were sharing their mistresses' beds, not each other's. With that in mind, Ava had brought up sharing a bed with Beatrice, at least in a round about, probing way, but Beatrice had immediately recoiled.
While Beatrice had gotten better about not recoiling when Ava casually touched her and actually engaging in Ava's more daring banter, she still drew a hard line when it came to anything that could conceivably lead to sexual activity. Ava wasn't sure whether she admired it or was frustrated by it. Currently, the main problem with it was that it would help her immensely if she could sleep in Beatrice's room. Just knowing that someone else was there, that she wasn't completely alone would make a huge difference, Ava knew that.
But Beatrice had bristled at just the idea and Ava didn't want to push. Beatrice had been so good to her, Ava didn't want to upset her in any way. In the last few days, when Ava had been less and less focused, had gotten more and more tired, Beatrice had redoubled her efforts of cheering her up. Getting her snacks, offering to tell her more stories, even initiating hand holding and hugs. It made Ava's heart soar, made her feel incredibly fond of Beatrice, but unfortunately it didn't help with her nightmares or her sleeplessness.
"Ava?" Beatrice's soft voice took Ava out of her thoughts and looking up, she realized that the dinner was over, everyone already having gotten up and in the process of leaving the table, even Beatrice clearly ready to get up, already half standing. Startled, Ava jumped up, prompting Beatrice to quickly do the same, laughing a little, but her eyes still full of concern.
Ava grinned at her as best as she could, trying to convey that everything was okay, even when she felt suddenly a little dizzy from having gotten up so fast. Closing her eyes, Ava was barely able to brace herself on the table, already fearing that she would still fall, when she felt a strong hand around her back, holding her up. Taking a deep breath, Ava leaned into the touch, opening her eyes again to look directly into Beatrice's worried face, closer than she had thought it would be.
Suddenly feeling like her breath was taken away by a very strong fluttering feeling in her stomach that had nothing to do with how tired she was, a few seconds of them just staring at each other went by before Ava managed to get a grip and tried to laugh it off, though she was afraid it came out rather breathlessly.
"Thank you," Ava said, or rather squeaked out. At least that was what it sounded like to her, but Beatrice didn't seem to be too fazed, even though her eyebrows were still furrowed in concern. Needing to keep whatever was going on in her stomach under control, Ava stepped to the side a little, away from Beatrice, who immediately let her go. Feeling the acute absence of Beatrice's touch, Ava tried to collect herself, laughing once again, though it sounded fake in her ears, and waving her hand. "I'm so clumsy."
Once again, Beatrice seemed more confused than anything else, frowning deeper now. But she didn't say anything, instead, she looked around the now nearly empty room, only Francesco and Dolores remaining to clean up the table, neither of them paying attention to Beatrice and Ava. Still, Ava understood Beatrice's warning look and nodded, smiling. Together, they walked towards their rooms. Ava felt like she was about to fall asleep standing when they finally got there, Beatrice leading them into her room and closing the door behind them.
Still, Ava was adamant to stay awake at least a little bit longer, dreading to go back to her lonely bed and having to endure more nightmares. To that end, Ava smiled as widely as she could at Beatrice, trying her hardest to come up with a reason why Beatrice should let her stay, but feeling like her head was filled with cotton wool. Still, Beatrice had so far always been susceptive to her smile and her suggestions.
Except, right now, she didn't even wait for Ava to speak, instead, she looked at her with a frown, her face very serious. Beatrice shook her head, putting her hand on Ava's arm gently.
"Please, Ava, go to bed. I understand that you want to learn many things, but you need to sleep. Please?" Beatrice asked it in such a soft voice, so full of genuine concern, that for a second, Ava wanted to spill her heart out right here and now. She longed so much to tell Beatrice that she couldn't bear another night alone in her room and beg for her to let Ava sleep here, even on the floor. But before she could get a word out, Sister Frances' voice sounded in her head, telling her that she was useless, a burden.
All Ava could do to not burst into tears and throw herself into Beatrice's arms was to nod and turn around abruptly, fleeing into her room. Passing the en-suite without using it, Ava closed the door to her room firmly behind her and throw herself on the bed, muffling her pathetic sobs and whimpers with her pillow. Part of her hoped she would cry herself to sleep, but she knew better than that. It had never worked in all the years in the orphanage, why would it work now?
Her exhausted mind did not let her rest, tossing and turning for what felt like hours. Eventually, she got up to shower and get changed, hoping it would trick her mind into believing that it was time to sleep. It even worked for a second. She buried herself under the warm blankets and tried to be happy for the soft bed, closing her eyes and conjuring up happy things. Thinking about Jillian, Yasmine, Lilith and Shannon all being happy and safe. Her family. Beatrice's smile.
Drifting off to sleep, Ava's mind seamlessly switched to far bleaker images. Sister Frances bending over her, telling her what a disappointment she was, what a burden. Calling her poor little lamb. Leaving her lying there, uncovered, in her own blood when she had gotten her period for the first time, not cleaning her for hours because she had dared to fight back in the simplest way she could, flipping Sister Frances off with the one finger she could move.
But it was a hollow victory because it just meant that she was once again alone, lying there without being able to move or do anything at all. The room seemed to expand, become bigger and darker, the nothingness pressing in on Ava, making it impossible to move, to even breathe. She wanted to scream, to rage against the dark, but when she opened her mouth, no sound came out, terror gripping her more and more, making her desperate.
With a silent scream on her lips, Ava woke up, immediately sitting up and jumping out of the bed, having to know that her body worked, that she was able to move. Tears were flowing down her face as she immediately fell back onto the bed, her legs too tired to carry her weight for long. Putting her face in her hand, Ava tried to take deep breaths, tried to calm herself down but her mind was still reeling from the nightmare and from generally being beyond exhausted.
Without even realizing it, she had carried her overtired body through the en-suite and into Beatrice's bedroom. Ava had no idea what she would say or do, but she knew she couldn't stay in her room for one second longer. Only when she saw Beatrice sleeping peacefully in her bed did she feel a little bit better. The weight on her chest lifted, at least marginally and she could breathe easier. But standing right in front of Beatrice's bed, Ava was now faced with a decision.
Since Beatrice hadn't noticed her coming in, Ava could either wake her up or simply go back into her room, try to sleep again. The second option made instant terror course through Ava's veins. She pressed her palm against her chest, keeping herself from sobbing out loud, not wanting to wake up Beatrice. But she would have to, wouldn't she? If she wanted to stay here? Ava's body was fading fast, exhaustion taking over for good.
The floor looked really good right now, the carpet thick and fluffy, many times better than the prison floor or the ground on a battlefield. She could sleep here, just for tonight, couldn't she? Sinking down on the floor, Ava's last thought before she succumbed to her exhaustion, hugging her knees to her chest, was that it would be okay, that Beatrice would understand.
This time, when sleep found her, it was mercifully dreamless and deep, the feeling of safety simply from Beatrice's presence in the bed next to her overwhelming. Finally, after those last few nights spent in terror and loneliness, Ava could truly rest.