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Chapter Text

Starscream was checking on his swallows. The fletchlings just hatched these past few orbital cycles. They poked their heads out of the nests and chirped loudly.

It was a slow-going early-summer day. Megatron and Optimus Prime had picked up the Newsparks to train on the parkour they built in the woods. Twitch and Spitfire were all fired up to have a rematch at the Polyhexan Protocol. Aftermath just wanted to let off some steam – and to get away from an overbearing Breakdown. Jawbreaker saw forward to spend time with his new little brother, even if it meant to do an obstacle course. Hashtag and Nightshade really didn’t want to go. If it was up to Starscream, these two could have stayed with him at the ranch. However, the Prime was really adamant about the importance of teamwork.

Thrash was the only Youngling smart enough to get out of the unwanted chore. The two-wheeler had really gotten a lot better at faking injuries. Starscream was so proud of him.

A transformation noise sounded somewhere from the woods behind the house. Starscream looked over to the forest curiously. Were they expecting someone?

Another transformation noise sounded. This time the seeker went to check who it was. He looked around the barn, but there was no one to be seen. This better not be a prank!

“Skywarp, where are you right now?” he asked his Trinemate over the comm.

The answer came immediately: “I’m at base. Shockwave wants the room at the end of the hall cleaned out to use as storage. You know … the one you were supposed to help with today! Is Thrash better by now? Can you come over already?”

Starscream scowled and cut the comm. He’d kind of forgotten about that lie.

Another transformation noise came from the woods in front of him. He went to investigate further. It sounded so close. If there was someone, he should see them by now. Did Spitfire manage to slip away from the others and heckled him with her cloaking device again. Starscream checked the air around him with his flight sensors. Was the little drone trying for another mock-ambush?

The sudden bang of a shot being fired had him startle back from the woods with the assistance of his thrusters. “Kalweyaveng!” the seeker chattered. He was under attack!

In his panic Starscream misjudged the distance of his leap. He nearly crashed into the house. At the last klik, he cut his thrusters, skidding across the ground and churning up grass and soil. A second shot sounded. Starscream rounded the corner of the building and crouched low behind it. His Nullrays were primed. His spark pounding.

Dorothy came rushing from the backdoor. She heard the shots and crashing sounds, too.

“What’s going on?” she asked in an alarmed voice. Another transformation noise. Another shot rang.

Starscream grabbed Dorothy as fast and gentle as he could and ran into the barn. He deposited her by the elevator from which Thrash just emerged.

“What was that?” the Youngling asked in a panicky voice.

The seeker urgently ordered them to hide down in the Dugout. Then he took point at the entrance, but still there was nothing to be seen outside.

“Soundwave! Respond!!” he shouted in his comm.

The host mech answered as fast as always: “What’s wrong?”

It spoke of his experience in handling the seeker and reading his emotional state that the host mech didn’t even bother with his little speech tick and cut right to the chase.

“Please tell me your cassettes are in the woods around the house to play a prank on me, because if they aren’t, we’re under attack here!” Starscream yelled in a high-pitched voice.
“Where are you?” came the urgent response.

The seeker sent his coordinates. Dorothy and Thrash lingered behind him. Why were they still standing around? Thrash had his shield up and was ready to defend his mother and Sempu if the need should arise.

Soundwave gave him an ETA of a mere few kliks. At first the seeker was perplexed. How did the blue mech plan to be here this fast? Was all this just a prank? But then red lightning flashed next to him and Soundwave and Skywarp appeared from thin air.

They crouched next to him and readied their weapons. “Who are we dealing with?” Skywarp asked him urgently. Soundwave scanned the area. His sensors were way better at pinpointing a stationary threat than the seekers were. If anyone could spot the enemy, then he could.

Dorothy came up behind the three cons. “Could someone please tell me, what is going on,” she demanded. Just then a fusion cannon blast tore through the air. Starscreams optics flared brightly. He grabbed Dorothy again, ran at Thrash and curled protectively around them.

…

Nothing happened.

Starscream could hear nothing else but the roar of his own fans for a while. Megatron! It was Megatron attacking! His spark spun incredibly fast. It was as if it tried to escape from its chamber. He could practically feel it hammering against his cockpit glass.

It took him longer than he wanted to admit to realize that it was in fact Dorothy trying to get his attention. He slowly uncurled and the human emerged from between him and Thrash with a deep breath. She appeared to be a bit disheveled but unharmed.

“What was that?” she and Thrash asked in unison.

Starscream turned around to Skywarp and Soundwave who stood at ease at the entrance of the barn. His plating crawled. He rubbed at his arms and chest to chase away the lingering feeling of the touch.

“Get down you numb nuts! We are under attack!!” he shrieked at them.

Skywarp regarded him with a mixture of pity and amusement. Starscream hated it whenever someone looked at him like that. Instinctively his heckles rose.

“Starscream: Observe.” Soundwave ordered him. He had changed back to his infuriating speech pattern again. The blue mech pointed at a particular treetop. Did he spot the sniper? Why didn’t he take cover then?

Starscream zoomed his optics all the way to the max. There was nothing to see there. Another transformations sound came from the direction of the tree. The seeker could spot movement. A plain looking bird sat on a branch and bobbed its tail up and down. The bangs of several shots escaped from its beak.

Starscream stared at the organic in disbelieve. Dorothy joined them at the entrance to the barn and shielded her eyes to look at the tree.

“Would you look at that. A mockingbird,” she exclaimed.
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The story about how a tiny bird managed to freak Starscream out like that, quickly made its round. By this evening every member of the Malto family knew about it.

“Can’t believe the big guy got shot at by a stupid bird and I wasn’t there to watch the show,” Spitfire cackled.

Thrash was chuckling, too, but he still defended the seeker: “Yeah well, but it really sounded like someone shooting. And Starscream totally went to defend mom and me.”

Hashtag had googled the bird after she heard about the incident. Apparently, these little creatures could not only imitate other birds but all kind of sounds.

“I wonder how it picked up these noises,” Jawbreaker mused.

The answer was easy enough. “If it happens to live around our home, it had plenty of opportunity to gather all the sounds in its repertoire,” Nightshade explained matter-of-factly. Not only did the Terrans regularly undergo combat training but the cons living nearby did, too.

Robby could understand how Starscream must feel. As his siblings had laughed at the incident at first, he told them a story from his early childhood. When he was still a little kid – maybe 4 or 5 – he was so jealous of all his friends from kindergarten, because their families would celebrate the 4th of July with fireworks. That was something the Maltos never did. Back then he didn’t understand that the reason behind this was, that the sound made his mother lapse back into her days of active combat. Up to this day his mom wasn’t really okay around fireworks.

Starscreams reaction wasn’t hilarious. It wasn’t something to make fun of. The seeker heard shots and reacted like a soldier in a war would. The fact that he tried to shield Thrash and their mother, instead of freezing or freaking out, spoke volumes of his strength. Not his weakness.

Hashtag worriedly glanced at their Sempus room. After the misunderstanding he locked himself in there and didn’t come out all day long. Despite acting so brave in a situation he believed to be a real combat situation, he was still embarrassed about the whole ordeal.

Chapter Text

Dorothy tried to talk to Starscream right after the incident, but the seeker immediately locked himself into his room. Soundwave and Skywarp returned to the Safehouse without much fuss. It was a good thing that they weren’t attacked for real. The other two cons didn’t make fun of Starscream for overreacting but they didn’t seem to be as shaken as Dorothy was because of it either.

“Typical Star,” Skywarp had said. “He can be really jumpy at times. Don’t worry. He will calm down eventually.” And with that they were off.

It was already late at night, when Dorothy finally got an answer to her message. Apparently Starscream was ready to talk to her now. She wasted no time in getting to the seekers room, before something could happen that made the jet change his mind again.

As her children saw her entering the Dugout, she was immediately swarmed. Most of them were concerned about the clam being shut again. Just Spitfire and Aftermath remained on the couch, engrossed in their videogame.

“Just give the big guy some space. I would lock myself away, too, if everyone always wanted to bother me about my feelings,” Spitfire quipped without looking away from the screen. Aftermath grunted an affirmative as his videogame character got kicked off the arena.

Dot told her children to stay put. She wanted to talk to Starscream alone. Maybe Spitfire was right. Swarming him now might overwhelm the seeker and he would never open up. As the woman entered the jets room, she could hear the lock engage after the door closed behind her. Apparently Starscream really wasn’t keen on too much company right now.

He sat on a chair in his seating area. His body language told Dorothy that even after all these hours the clam was still pretty much shut. He studied her face intently for … something.
As he could find neither pity nor mockery in her eyes, he finally addressed her: “You wanted to speak with me.”

`Yeah, about 8 hours ago,´ Dot thought to herself. Out loud she said: “First of all I wanted to thank you for what you did today.”

Apparently, that wasn’t what Starscream expected her to say. He looked rather baffled, so Dorothy continued: “You thought we were under attack and you didn’t waste so much as a second in getting me to safety and shielding Thrash and me from harm. If this had been a real combat situation you would have saved our lives. Thank you for that Starscream.”

It was a heartfelt thanks. Three months ago, the woman would have never believed for even a second that the notorious Decepticon Starscream would look out for anyone else but himself. But since then, she really got to know him. The seeker could be very selfless when it counted the most.

Starscreams body language opened up a bit. He lowered one servo to the ground so he could help Dorothy on top of the low table. They weren’t really on the same eyelevel but it was closer now. Starscream regarded her fondly.

It almost broke Dorothys heart to know, that she would shatter that fondness with her next words.

“But there is also something else I wanted to say to you. I wanted to say it for a very long time, but every time I finally feel ready to address the matter, something happened these past few weeks. I wanted to say it after you had your breakdown in the barn. I wanted to say it after this whole misunderstanding with Hashtag, Twitch and Nightshade. And I wanted to say it after you locked yourself in your room for four days without eating anything,” she counted on her fingers.

With every sentence Starscreams expression became more guarded. The fondness vanished from his optics.

Dorothy took a deep breath. Now would come the killing blow.

“Starscream, I think you should seek some help from a specialist,” she told him resolutely.

His reaction was expected but Dot still flinched a little as he shot to his feet.

“I am not crazy!” he yelled at her.

Dorothy raised her hands in a placating manner. “I never used this word Starscream. But I still think that you need help.”

The seeker started to pace around his room as if he didn’t know where to go. His wings twitched in what Dot had learned was agitation.

“I don’t need help, because I don’t have a problem! I’m fine! I’m normal!” he let her know hotly.

Dorothy tried again: “Starscream, what happened today was …”

“Nothing happened today! It was a misunderstanding. Just an embarrassing misjudgment of the situation and nothing more. We can stop talking about it now!” he growled at her.

On the table Dot took a deep breath. She had known this would be difficult.

“Starscream listen. I was a soldier, too.” She lifted her pants a little to show off her prostatic leg. “I know war, too. I know what it can do to you even after the fighting stops. It happened to my friends. It happened to me. I don’t know about you Transformers, but us humans, we have a term for this: Post traumatic stress disorder,” she explained to him patiently.

“I. Am. Not. Stressed!” the seeker hissed at her.

Dorothy just regarded him with one of her annoying Sanok-looks. Starscream stopped his pacing. That’s right, he was pacing, wasn’t he? He gradually became more aware of his own frame again. He lowered his wings, straightened his posture and relaxed his flexed servos.

“I’m not stressed!” he repeated in a calmer tone. It sounded forced. “And even if I were, I have no idea what a human doctor could do about it. There is hardly anything they could prescribe me,” he reasoned.

“There’s more than just drugs that could help in such a situation. Sometimes it helps to talk about all the bad things,” Dorothy calmly explained.

Starscream still refused to sit back down. “Fine then. We’re talking right now. No need for a doctor. Problem solved,” he quipped and crossed his arms in front of his chassis. It looked more as if he was trying to hug himself.

The woman argued that there was a difference between talking to her and talking to a professional. Even though Dot would still be willing to listen to him the way she promised him all the way back when he first arrived on their homestead, she didn’t have the knowledge to actually help him with his problems.

Starscream kept arguing that he couldn’t possibly just go and waltz right into any doctors clinic being a Decepticon and all, but Dorothy informed him, that he could talk to a therapist over the phone or on the internet. No one would see him and he wasn’t required to use his real name in therapy. Hashtags AI could help him modulate his voice and even edit cybertronian terms in real time so no one would even suspect him to be a Transformer.

Starscream became more agitated by the Astro-second. Every argument he brought up was easily brushed aside by the woman and her blasted logic. It was like talking to Shockwave. He would run out of excuses at this rate!

“Starscream, all I want you to do, is that you look into this sort of thing, OK? We can do it together. We find a therapist you like, and you can talk to them for a few sessions,” she said softly and looked up at him imploringly.

The seeker sniffed. “If I don’t do this, will you send me away?” he asked hoarsely. It would be the worst-case scenario if she cast him out because he became too troublesome. He wouldn’t be able to see the Newsparks again …

However, Dorothy soothed his fears immediately: “No. You will always be welcome here. It’s your home. But please Starscream: Take care of yourself. Okay? The kids are concerned about you, too.”

With this Dot made to clamber down from the table. Starscream didn’t help her. Didn’t even look at her as she left his room. He locked the door right after she was gone.

He didn’t need help. He was fine! There was nothing wrong with him. Tomorrow this whole ordeal would be forgotten.

Chapter Text

Apparently, the stupid mockingbird was here to stay.

Starscream tried to ignore the dreadful creature. If Dorothy would see, that he didn’t have a problem with it – because he DIDN’T have a problem! – she would forget all about that stupid notion about him needing help.

It didn’t work though. Ignoring the transformation noises was easy enough, or so he thought. However, one time the seeker heard one and didn’t react to it, Bumblebee suddenly greeted him from right behind him. Starscream quite literally jumped 10 feet in the air. Dorothy saw it happen. Ever since then, every time he heard the noise, he would turn around to check his perimeter. It saved him from future jump-scares but it also made him look paranoid as pit.

The shooting noises were harder to ignore. Every time he heard one, he would flinch and prime his weapons. He really tried to get it under control. At least he didn’t dive for cover any more. But he couldn’t stop the flinching and wincing.

What if he ignored the sound and it was a real attack?

What if he would react too slow in that case?

What if he reacted by shooting back?

He could hurt his family.

Starscream made the conscious choice to disarm himself. His Nullrays and missiles would be stored away in the Safehouse. It was close enough in case of an actual emergency, but his weapons wouldn’t be in reach of the Newsparks.

Starscream dreaded going outside more and more every day. Not only did his paranoia become worse, his temper did, too. He became quick to anger and closed himself off more and more.

One time, during one of Thrashes nightly visits, the seeker startled awake so badly, that he actually snapped at the Youngling. It wasn’t the first time Thrash woke him up in the middle of his recharge cycle– far from it. The Youngling had a lot of insecurities that mostly manifested themselves during the night-cycle. But Starscream never before so much as berated him for it.

But with the mockingbird came the bad recharge fluxes. Especially when the stupid creature would mimic the fusion cannon. So Starscream went back to lock his door behind him at all times.

What if he actually said something to hurt Thrashes feelings?

What if he would hurt him physically?

What if he had lashed out at the tiny two-wheeler with his talons?

What if he hurt his Newsparks?

Going outside and hearing that slagging mockingbird made him worse and worse every day. He decided to stay in his room. He couldn’t hurt anyone in there.
_______________________________________________________________________________
It had been two days already. Starscream wouldn’t come out of his room. Wouldn’t even retrieve his Energon. And the worst part was, that he didn’t respond to anyone’s messages. The last time he locked himself away – after the Freezer Drone incident – he did at least do that. But neither the Maltos nor his Trine or Soundwave could get an answer out of him.

Thrash tried to reach him so badly. The weather forecast said another thunderstorm would come. He NEEDED the seeker to be there with him. Ravage was present when the Younglings tried to get any kind of reaction from their Sempu regarding the storm. She reported the overheard conversation.

The night of the storm Soundwave, Skywarp and Nova Storm were down in the Dugout with the Newsparks and the two human children. Robby and Mo decided to do a sleepover. It was the weekend anyway. If they couldn’t sleep at all that night, it wouldn’t be such a big deal.
Skywarp was distracting the Younglings with games. Nova Storm kept an optic on the weather situation and Soundwave already primed the emergency generator
.
“I can’t believe he wouldn’t come out of there to sooth his own Newsparks,” Nova Storm groused under her breath at Soundwave. The host mech didn’t comment on that. Starscream had made such stellar progress these last few luna-cycles. It was as if he was a different mech. But now the seeker acted like back during the war again. Paranoid, quick to anger, locking himself away to seek comfort in his solitude rather than seeking out company. Soundwave knew that progress wasn’t a straight line. Sometimes there were setbacks. It still hurt to see Starscream lose all his progress.

Twitch flew up to the blue mech and disrupted his train of thought.

“Soundwave? Can I ask you something? Back when Sempu was so sick, you could hack his door to keep it closed. Can you hack it open, too?” the little drone asked him hopefully.
Most of the Younglings looked his way. He simply shook his helm and let them draw their own conclusions. Of course, he could open that door. But he didn’t want to. If he were to intrude into Starscreams perceived safe space, the seeker wouldn’t feel at ease anywhere anymore. He also would never forgive Soundwave for such a transgression. The seeker would have to come out on his own.

Hashtag started to cry a little. “Sempu never ignored me before. I sent him so many messages that I needed him like RIGHT NOW! But he didn’t answer a single one,” she lamented.

Most of her siblings made noises of agreement. Starscream didn’t reply to any of their requests.

From the couch came a snort. Hashtag immediately looked over affronted. Her siblings mimicked her.

“What’s so funny?” Robby challenged.

Spitfire and Aftermath were sitting on the couch and were completely engrossed in their videogame. Still the tow truck managed to answer between intense button mashing: “If I were him, I would ignore your sorry lots whining, too.”

Spitfire agreed. “Ugh, I need your help! Wah, you have to do this for me! Sob, why wouldn’t you do this and that! Cry, nag, whine! Gee, can’t imagine why he would ignore you,” she mocked.

Finally, her game character booted Aftermaths from the arena again. The screen displayed a New High Score message in colorful letters and the little Chaos Terran cheered.

“Here I show you how it’s done,” she directed at everyone else in the room. She took a stray tablet from the table by the couch, logged into her comm account with it and snapped a picture of the TV screen.

>>New High Score! Whoop! Totally wiped the floor with Aftermath!<<

She showed everyone the message and pressed SEND. Not even a few seconds later she had a reply.

>>Very good, Spitfire. Way to go!<<

Everyone else just stared at the tablet. Spitfire and Aftermath resumed their game.

“How did you accomplish that?” Nightshade was the first to ask.

“You just saw, how I did it. I just sent him a message. No questions. No requests. No whining. Just letting him know about what I’m up to. It’s not rocket science,” Spitfire answered distractedly.

The following two days the others tried to follow Spitfires advice.

Jawbreaker sent Starscream pictures of flowers. No text attached at all. He received a different smiley every time.

Twitch and Thrash sent him a short recording of them performing servo to servo combat moves and received comments on how to correct their stances.

Nova Storm told him all about her human TV show. Gabriella actually betrayed Julio with his own twin brother Pepito, but only because she had amnesia. Starscream actually acted as if he was invested in the human TV drama.

Soundwave sent a picture of the Safehouse in disarray with a raccoon jumping at a screaming Swindle and the caption:

>> Ravage is at it again XD <<

It actually got the blue mech a voice message and the request to pet Ravage from him.

The “No pressure” plan, as Mo had dubbed it, actually worked. Starscream gradually opened up again. By the fourth day his doors lock disengaged.
_________________________________________________________________________________
As he left his room, all the Terrans were busy in the Dugout. They promised each other, to not make a big deal out of it. They greeted the seeker as he came out – carefully like someone who expected there to be a mine field – but otherwise did what they were doing before.

“Fuel’s by the ramp,” Thrash let him know from the couch without ever looking up from his comic. Nightshade kept tinkering in the corner. Twitch and Spitfire kept sparring with Aftermath and Jawbreaker cheering them on. Hashtag did her best not to jump up and hug her Sempu. She pretended to still be on the internet while watching him from the corner of her eye as he went to the ramp and drank his Energon.

Starscream smiled a little to himself. He had expected that there would have been yelling and accusations. But every single Terran acted so cordial around him. It helped a lot. It really did. During the days in his room, he had time to calm down. To regain his cool and reign in his temper. He felt better already. The recharge fluxes were getting less and less, too. This whole episode was finally over and done with.

“I’ll uh … go out for a little flight,” he let the Younglings know. Immediately they all stopped what they were doing to accompany him outside – as nonchalant as they could of course.
_________________________________________________________________________________________

Their little group wasn’t even out of the barn yet as they could hear the arguing.

“It’s really nice that you came by, but this isn’t necessary,” Dot said to someone.

Alex agreed with his wife: “This doesn’t seem to be the best course of action. The children already found a way that seems to help. We should just keep trying that.”

Starscream became curious. What was all this about? He walked over to the main house, followed by all the Terrans.

He could hear Dorothy say: “So thanks Megs, but we can handle this, OK?”

Megatron?!

As if on cue the grey mech rounded the corner and appeared right before Starscream and his little entourage.

“Don’t be absurd Dorothy. I already told you the last time, that I would get him out of there for you. This little pity-party has been going on for long enough now. That ridiculous seeker is putting everyone else on edge with his antics!” Before Megatron could rant some more, he spotted the seeker in question. Dot and Alex appeared behind the grey copter.

Starscream was shell shocked. What was Megatron doing here? He didn’t know the other would be here!

“There you are, you troublemaker! Do you have any idea what you did? Are you even aware, that your actions have consequences?” Megatron addressed the seeker sternly.

The jets wings started to tremble. His blue optics were blown wide. He slowly backtracked into the group of concerned Newsparks.

Why was Megatron angry at him?

What did he blame him for this time?

He didn’t do anything!

Starscream started to shake his head. A litany of “No, no, no” escaped his vocalizer.

Megatron didn’t advance on the retreating seeker, but he kept his sneer. Typical Starscream to deny any sort of wrongdoing even though Megatron already knew all about it. These last few days Dot and her family were in turmoil just because Starscream had to fish for attention again. Sure, the grey copter heard all about the incident with the mockingbird, but it wasn’t that big of a deal. A little embarrassment at best. No need to make such a big fuss and make it everyone else’s problem. The spoilt brat didn’t need sympathy. Just a firm servo to get his behavior back on track.

“Starscream, what’s wrong? Talk to me,” Dot pleaded with the jet. She hurried to stand between Megatron and the seeker.

Megatron rolled his optics. His human friend fell right for the act. “For sparks sake stop mollycoddling him, Dorothy. He’s just being dramatic!” the former warlord snapped. Towards the end he became louder and made a forceful gesture with his gun arm in frustration.

Starscream flinched. He still retreated backwards through the horde of Newsparks. Never letting Megatron out of his sight.

“I can’t have him here Dorothy. I can’t!” the jet pleaded with the woman in a small voice. “Make him go away!”

His former master reacted indignantly. “You don’t decide where I can go and when I leave,” Megatron roared.

Not just Dorothy and Alex admonished him for his rude outbreak. The Terrans swarmed him, too. A litany of “Leave him alone!”, “Lower your voice!” and “Don’t be so mean!” was yelled at the grey mech.

Starscream turned around and made for the barn. He had to get away from here! Coming outside was a mistake!

Then the fusion cannon roared to life.

At the first shot Starscream threw himself to the ground on instinct. He curled into a ball, protecting his helm with his servos. The cannon fired again and again. Each time the seeker cried out. His spark was spinning out of control. The seeker felt like going insane from fear. He couldn’t hear anything else over the roar of his cooling fans – not even Hashtags shout of “Sempu!”.

Starscream felt a presence behind him. It was Megatron! He came to continue his punishment!

The seeker transformed his servo into a sawblade and swung around blindly.

Hashtags sharp cry sliced the silence on the ranch.

Chapter Text

Starscream sat on the ground, shaking like a leaf. His plating rattled, his wings twitched uncontrollably and his optics were so bright they almost appeared to be white.

A few paces away from him Hashtag laid on the ground. Aftermaths towline was wrapped around her upper chassis. The Chaos Terran had managed to pull his older sister away from Starscream before the weapon could make contact. The sudden yank back caused the femmeling to scream in surprise.

Starscream could do nothing but stare at his sawblade, before finally being able to transform it back after several tries. What had he done? If it wasn’t for Aftermath he would have …

“Why do you guys always have to touch and cuddle everyone. Just give the guy some space!” Aftermath shouted gruffly.

It was as if his voice broke the silence that laid over the ranch. The Maltos rushed to Hashtag. Megatron made to move towards her, too. He looked so angry. Starscream bolted for his room.

It wasn’t until after he locked the door behind him, that he finally broke down. His vents were harsh and uneven. Optic cleanser blurred his vision. His servos twitched and randomly balled themselves to fists. Starscream couldn’t quite figure out what to do with them. His wings quivered.

`The weirdest part about panic attacks,´ Starscream mused to himself, `is that in your mind, you know what to do, but you just can’t do it.´

He knew, that he should get his venting under control. He should relax his frame. He should calm the frag down! But he couldn’t. He curled up on the floor of his room and cried and cried.
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“Deep breaths. In … and out. In … and out,” Dots voice rang in his head. He was really getting crazy now. However, the mantra continued. He tried his best to get is ventilations under control. Do as the voice told him to. But the sobs kept wrecking his frame. His mind raced. Plaguing him with What Ifs again.

Starscream sat up, pressing his wings against the wall. It was easier to vent like that. And there stood Dorothy. Keeping up her instructions of “In … and out.”

“Dor … Doro …?” the seeker couldn’t get his voicebox to cooperate.

“Shh. It’s okay. Everything is okay. Keep breathing,” Dorothy instructed. She kept a safe distance but sure enough the woman was real and she didn’t seem angry. Dorothy ought to be angry with him. He nearly hurt Hashtag.

It took the jet quite some time to calm down enough to vent regularly and form coherent sentences again. “How did you get in here?” was the first thing he thought to ask the human.

Her smile seemed sheepish. “I grabbed a hold of your leg and just clung on for dear life.”
Starscream stared at her incredulously.

What if he had actually noticed her touch and kicked her off?

What if he had taken flight instead of running to his room?

What if she had gotten caught in a transformation seam?

The panic returned. The Newsparks would have hated him forever. Megatron would have killed him for sure. Even if he didn’t, Starscream would have never forgiven himself.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I never meant to. Dorothy … Dot … I can’t … I can’t …” The seeker didn’t even know how to finish his sentence. Couldn’t even think straight anymore.

Dot waited for this new attack to subside. Talking to the seeker the whole time. When he calmed down next, she said in a resolute voice: “Starscream, you will talk to a therapist.”

The seeker curled in on himself. He was still pressed against the wall. His servos cradled his helm. He felt trapped. His frame felt wrong around his spark.

“Don’t tell me what to do,” he answered as if on autopilot.

“That wasn’t an order, Starscream. It was a prediction. By now I know you well enough to know, that ultimately you will do the right thing. You might kick and scream and complain the whole way there, but in the end, you will do what’s right. This is how I know, that you will talk to a therapist,” the human told him with a patience that spoke of her experience as a mother.

“So, I want you to do, whatever is necessary to arrive to that conclusion,” she continued. “Cry if you feel like it. Talk to me if you want to. Fly out into the mountains and mess the place up. Get everything out of your systems. And then, you will come to me and we will find the perfect doctor for you. All I ask of you Starscream – ASK of you – is that you will not stall any longer. Please,” she finished her sermon.

“He didn’t really shoot at me, did he?” Starscream asked meekly from between his servos.

Dorothy took a deep breath. “No. It was just the bird.”
_______________________________________________________________________________
The next day the Newsparks were on an outing with Bumblebee. Robby and Mo were driven to school by Dorothy. Alex was at work. Starscream was well and truly home alone. He activated his comm to ask Dot for Megatrons location. After a while she called him back and reported that the grey mech was at Autobot base. Nowhere even close. Starscream believed her.

For the past few days Starscream had chosen a starry sky as the background of the large monitor in his room. He kind of missed the stars. He didn’t have a chance to see them these past few orbital cycles. The dark background made his reflection stand out in stark contrast.
Starscream took a long look at himself.

>Warframe! Killing machine! Monster!<

The voices of his former academy mates rang in his audio receptors. He looked away from the monitor sharply. Time to get things out of his systems.

Starscream stepped outside the barn and immediately transformed to fly off. He didn’t give the stupid mockingbird a chance to spook him this time. He flew to the spot in the woods, where he spent his time during the whole movie night incident, back when he first moved in with the Maltos. Back when he thought he wasn’t welcome.

It was a little clearing. Well, to be honest, it wasn’t a clearing a couple luna-cycles ago. Trees were uprooted. Branches broken off and strewn around. There were scratch marks and scorched earth everywhere. To the side was a pond – more like a little lake by human standards – where he had thrown rocks and other things in to watch them sink to the ground.

Back then, trashing the place had really made him feel better. But now the simple thought of destroying the forest seemed wrong to him. There were birds and other critters living in the trees. Being careless with his thrusters could start a fire. Throwing things in the pond might disturb the organics watering spot.

Starscream sat down and stared at his destruction. He didn’t feel like doing this anymore. He didn’t want to mess things up and cause a disturbance. When he would go on hikes in the cybertronian wilderness with Cryak, she was always so insistent that they leave the place exactly like they found it. Don’t leave anything of yours behind. Don’t take anything with you other than what you need to survive. Respect your surroundings. He missed those kinds of hikes.

A transformation noise sounded.

Starscreams spark spun faster. Was he being followed? Was it his Trine? Soundwave?

Megatron?!

Immediately he sprung to his pedes and looked around frantically.

Another transformation noise.

It couldn’t be! There on a treetop sat the slagging mockingbird! The little pest haunted him wherever he went and made his life a living pit.

Starscream saw red. He transformed his servo into a sawblade and cut the thin tree down with one swipe. The bird got startled and tried to take flight, but this time Starscream was faster. He shot up and closed his fist around the tiny vermin.

He could feel its frantic movements against his plating. Before it could escape through a gap, he put his second servo around his fist as well.

He got it! He actually caught the slagging thing!

A manic smile formed on the seekers face. Now all he had to do was to get rid of it. All his problems would be solved.

He thought about crushing it, but then he got a better idea. Organics needed oxygen. He could drown the nuisance in the pond! It wouldn’t leave a mess on his servos. Soon this whole ordeal would be over.

The seeker stalked towards the pond and dropped to his knees at the edge. Right as he wanted to submerge his servos, until he could feel the feeble movements stop, he caught a glimpse of his own reflection.

The manic grin.

The bright, crazy optics.

The murderous intend just behind them.

Starscream startled away from the water. This wasn’t him! This wasn’t him!!!

His servos fell open in his lap. He couldn’t do it. He wouldn’t do it. He wasn’t a monster!

The seeker fully expected the bird to fly away. To reclaim its freedom. But the little creature didn’t. It flapped around in his open palm in a disorientated manner. One of its wings hung by its side like dead weight.

The realization made Starscream gasp. He broke its little wing! He grounded the tiny creature! Starscream regarded the mockingbird with regret as he hoped against hope, that the bird was just startled. But the more it flopped around and cried its high pitch calls in clear distress, the more Starscream had to accept the fact.

He did this.

He had to fix it.

Chapter Text

Dorothy was doing her paper work in the ranger station as she heard the engine noises. Unless the birds in the forest learned to mimic those as well, it meant that she got company. Still, she wasn’t quite expecting Starscream to seek her out at her workplace.

The seeker landed and approached the cabin in his Rootmode. His servos were clasped in front of him. He looked just as miserable as the last time she saw him. Something must have happened again.

He stopped just a few feet away from her. Dorothy waited for him to say something, but he just looked at his feet like a kid that was about to be scolded.

“Star? What’s wrong?” she asked him softly. Dorothy hoped that he wouldn’t be offended by the affectionate nickname she heard his Trine use with him.

Starscream was fumbling for words. He could lie. Could tell her he found the bird like that, or that it was an accident. Lying meant that maybe the punishment wouldn’t be as severe. Maybe he could even avoid it altogether. That’s how it usually went.

But then again Dorothy had never punished him before. Not even when he clearly deserved it. Like when he stole the nets, or when she learned he had secrets from her, or when he almost hurt Hashtag.

He opted to do something he hadn’t done in a long while. Something he hated Megatron for not doing, but that he himself avoided as well. He would own up to this.

The seeker knelt down in front of the human and carefully presented his cupped servos.
“I messed up, Dorothy. I made a mistake,” he told her with real regret in his voice as he let her see the injured bird.

The woman scooped the wounded animal up while doing soft cooing noises to calm it down. “How did this happen?” she asked him once she had the bird secured, so it couldn’t hurt itself any more.

Starscream told her everything. How he planned to kill the animal. How he wanted to get rid of it. But how, ultimately, he couldn’t do it.

“I’m … sorry,” he ended his retelling. “Will it have to deacti… die now?”

Dorothy promised that she would do her best, so that the worst case wouldn’t come true. After all she was a ranger. She placed the bird in a little box and loaded it in her car, before driving to the vet. Starscream stayed at the ranger station and waited for her return. He had quite some time to think a lot of things over. When Dorothy returned with a bandaged up but still alive bird, he let her know of his resolve: “I’m ready to talk to a … professional now.”
_________________________________________________________________________________
It took the two of them a while to find a therapist that Starscream liked. In the end he chose Dr. Marks. The woman was fine with him to do call-in-sessions under the pseudonym S. The seeker used Hashtags AI to mask his voice and edit his incorrect use of earth terms in real time just as Dorothy suggested.

Dr. Marks was easy to talk to. She oftentimes incorporated little games in their sessions. And she gave him little assignments like writing the best experience of each day on a paper note and collect those in a box. When he felt down, he should read through the notes. Neither Dorothy nor Starscream spoke about the therapy to the rest of the family or anyone else for that matter. It was personal and nobody else’s business.

He got other “homework”, too. One of those tasks was to nurture the mockingbird he hurt back to health.

Dorothy kept the injured creature in an aviary at the ranger station. It was Starscreams responsibility to feed the bird and clean its cage. In order to do this, he had to leave his room every day. Dorothy taught the mockingbird different whistle sounds. The woman hoped, that the bird would like them better, than the combat noises. Starscream trilled to it in seekercant. The animal seemed to like that. It mimicked the sounds enthusiastically.

After it was time to release the bird back into the wild, Dr. Marks gave Starscream a new assignment. He should change something about his appearance like get new clothes or a new hairstyle. That wasn’t really something that Starscream could do, but then again it wasn’t a bad idea at its core. He didn’t really feel comfortable for quite some time now.
_____________________________________________________________________________
This afternoon he asked the Maltos, his Trine and Soundwave to be in the Dugout with him.
“I … have decided … that I want to change … a few things,” he let them know haltingly. This was a big step for him. With a deep intake he set his plan into motion.

No one really knew, what he was talking about as a blinding bright light started to emanate from the jet. As it receded, they all gawked at the sight before them.

There stood a small, tricolored seeker. His blue thrusters were sleek yet strong. Long white legs ended in slim red hips. His yellow cockpit was starshaped at the top – like a vertical shooting star. Instead of broad white wings there were two long and narrow ones with a red stripe and the Decepticon brand. His red chest and shoulders were still well-built, but not as wide as before. The slim blue servos ended in blunt digits.

Starscreams face and helm still looked mostly the same. Maybe his audio receptors were a little rounder than before and his nose was a little smaller. He took another deep intake and opened his big blue optics. He gave his audience an unsure smile. His wings fluttered behind him.

His Trine were the first to react.

“Look at the little cutie,” Skywarp squealed in delight.

“Sweetest little Energon-seeker this side of the Sonic canyons,” Nova Storm added with a coo.

As the femmes came over to inspect his frame, the Newsparks were set into motion, too. Starscream earned a lot of compliments. Hashtag came up right in front of him and put a measuring servo on top of her own helm. Whereas she could hardly reach the seekers cockpit before, she now nearly cleared his chin. He was still taller than the Terrans, but compared to the seeker femmes the height difference became apparent. Now he was the one who barely reached the top of their cockpits.

“You changed back to your civilian frame,” Soundwave commented from the side. It didn’t sound as if he was complaining.

Starscream nodded. “Yes, it feels right this way,” he answered the host mech but he looked at Jawbreaker whilst he said it. The Stygi smiled up at him.

“So, no Sanok then?” Thrash quipped from near his hip. Starscream ruffled the two-wheelers helm. Instead of encompassing the Terrans whole head, his servo now barely managed to cup around it. However, he was still strong enough to playfully push the mechling to the ground. He no longer had to be careful not to cut him with his talons.

“Your wings seem to be much more … flexible that before,” Alex commented.

The mentioned appendaged fluttered up and down. Starscream made a show of flapping them and then folded them all the way back and down. “I haven’t laid down on my side in millions of stellar cycles,” the seeker mused. “Or turned around in a crowd without slapping anyone in the faceplates.” He made a show of doing just that. With the folded wings he was able to spin in a tight circle.

“Still know how to fly with them?” Skywarp asked with a mischievous smile.

Her Trineleader took her up on that challenge.

As the little group went outside, the mockingbird could be heard. It chirped a sort of metallic tune.

Skywarp guffawed. “What did that bird just say?” she managed to bring out between fits of laughter. Nova Storm was cackling, too.

Dorothy looked up at Starscream with played sternness: “Did you teach that bird cybertronian swearwords?”

Starscream feigned innocence. “It’s just a few things in seekercant. Stuff like `Hello´ and `Welcome home´. Things I’d like to hear,” he explained.

And maybe

Just maybe

He taught it to say `Megatron is an old rustbucket.´