Chapter Text
I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Traveling, traveling, traveling
Looking for something, what can it be?
Oh, I hate you some, I hate you some, I love you some
Oh, I love you when I forget about me
Eddie was moving to Texas. Eddie was moving to Texas.
While Eddie poured coffee in the room over, Buck stared at his hands. Eddie was moving to Texas. For the first time in weeks, he couldn’t give a shit about Tommy. It was like they’d never dated in the first place. He couldn’t give a shit about getting thrown up on twice on yesterday’s shift, about how he’d forgotten to pay that one parking ticket which was now probably going to set him back a few hundred, about the dishwasher in his apartment breaking again. It was as if everything else in his life had ceased to matter in mere seconds. Buck didn’t remember much about getting struck by lightning, but it must have gone something like this. Eddie was moving to Texas.
“Hey, uh, goes without saying, but I’d appreciate if you kept this from the rest of the 118”, Eddie said from the room over, stirring sugar into Buck’s cup. “At least for now. I haven’t really thought it out myself. I just know I need to see him, I need to be there for him, anyway I can.” He walked in, handing Buck his mug of coffee.
“Of course, man. Goes without saying. Now,” Buck pulled out the I-Pad, trying to force his voice to stay as level as it could. “How do you feel about a screened-in porch?”
On some level, Buck knew he was being selfish. Or at least, he felt he was being selfish. Eddie was fighting to get back to his kid, and here Buck was, throwing a pity party that his best friend was moving a few hours away. Friends moved away from one another. Of course, he knew this. People moved away from one another. People left. Sometimes it felt like people leaving was the only constant in his life. But this was different. This wasn’t Abby leaving, this wasn’t Tommy walking out on him, this wasn’t even his parents refusing to look him in the eye – to show him they cared for him in the way they were supposed to. All of those had been things Buck had learned to live without, been forced to figure out how to live without. This felt like losing a limb.
“Is something wrong with the coffee?” Eddie glanced up after a few minutes of scrolling to see Buck at his mug. Buck loved the way Eddie used an I-Pad, the way he squinted and tapped at the screen like an old man
“No, sorry just got distracted for a second”, Buck responded.
Tommy never remembered how Buck liked his coffee. Now that he thought about it, Eddie was the only person who really knew how Buck liked his coffee. Another tiny revelation that Buck shoved deep down. “Hey, Chris isn’t past the playground age, cause I saw this tiktok about these new cp friendly jungle gyms this company rolled out.” Buck began shaking his leg without realizing it. “Maybe, I could come visit and help build one. After you got settled of course. If, that would be okay?”
“Of course–” Eddie turned toward him, looking slightly confused. “I’d be pissed if you didn’t come visit, like right away. He may act like a cool, unbothered teenager, but I know Chris must miss you like hell.” I’m going to miss you like hell , a voice in Eddie’s head said.
“So when were you thinking of moving?”
“Duno, as soon as possible, I guess? Haven’t thought much about it. I know these things take time though, and I’d have to talk to Chris, and my parents. You’re kind of the first person I’ve discussed it with. I was hoping to have my parents bring him here for the holidays.” Eddie cocked his head, “wouldn’t be Christmas without some classic Buckley-Diaz Christmas shenanigans.”
Buck felt his heart plunge into his chest.
—
“Chim’s working tonight, you should come over for real housewives, I can make pizza, I’m gonna ask the new dispatcher too, she seems kind of nervous here, don't you think?” Maddie asked Josh while he heated up his lunch in the break room microwave.
“Ugh, I wish I could. Working tonight too.”
“Oh come on, you’re taking another double shift?” Maddie prodded.
“Two words Maddie – Mexico. Summer trip.”
“Ok – first of all – thats three words. And second of all, the one that Max is organizing? I thought you hated him?”
“Hate is a strong word, and I can be a very forgiving man”, Josh shoved a bite of Pad Thai into his mouth, “Especially when there's beachside margaritas involved. Besides, Damion’s hot ex – you know the one I told you about – is going to be there.”
“Maddie are you free I need to talk?”, Buck barged into the break room. “Oh– hi Josh.”
“Hey Buck,” Josh laughed, “You know, you might as well start working here now.”
“So, I have a crisis.” Buck turned to Maddie.
“Doesn’t he always”, Josh mumbled under his breath, mixing his leftovers. “I guess this is sort of the place for that kind of thing.”
“And I have a shift that starts in five minutes. Can it wait?” Maddie shot Josh a look. “You know, someone has decided to bail on wine night and Chim has a shift, can we table it for after work maybe?”
“You know I can’t resist an excuse to see my favorite niece – see you tonight! And good luck with uh, Damion’s hot ex, Josh.”
“Oh my god I can’t believe you heard that. Don’t you have, like, a fire to put out somewhere?”
“Gotta run!”
—
Buck, did not, have to run. But he did have to do something. He started driving towards his apartment, but then turned around. He drove to the store, walked around for a while, couldn’t think of anything he needed, and drove back to the loft. He turned on the TV. He tried to make himself listen to whatever was on – a rerun of River Monsters – but he couldn’t. There was baking, of course, but the idea of eating anything right now made him feel sick. On some level, Buck knew it shouldn’t hurt this bad for your best friend to think about moving a state over. Texas was close, it wasn’t like they’d stop seeing each other. The two of them already talked on the phone every day, even though they worked most shifts together and ate dinner outside of work at least twice a week. Your best friend moving a state over shouldn’t make every heartbreak you’ve ever had feel like nothing. And Buck didn’t consider himself a dramatic guy. So why did it feel like he was dying?
Going for a jog to clear his mind turned into shuffling his playlist every thirty seconds. Was he crazy, or did every song on his BUCK WORK OUT TUNES make him think of Eddie?
One soft infested summer, me and Terry became friends
Trying in vain to breathe the fire we was born in
Catching rides to the outskirts, tying faith between our teeth
I mean, longing for your best friend while listening to Bruce Springsteen’s Backstreets was a totally, totally normal thing to do. It was a macho, platonic song about two male friends after all.
With a love so hard and filled with defeat
Running for our lives at night on them backstreets.
Slow dancing in the dark on the beach at Stockton's Wing
Where desperate lovers park, we sat with the last of the Duke Street Kings
Huddled in our cars, waiting for the bells that ring
In the deep heart of the night they set us loose of everything
Buck shook his head, turning up the volume as Bruce sang
Terry, you swore we'd live forever
Taking it on them backstreets together
Buck rolled his shoulders back and turned the corner. Sprinting faster, his breath catching in his chest.
Blame it on the lies that killed us, blame it on the truth that ran us down
You can blame it all on me, Terry, it don't matter to me now
When the breakdown hit at midnight, there was nothing to say
But I hated him, and I hated you when you went away
Fuck. Buck stopped running.
Remember all the movies, Terry, we'd go see?
Trying to learn to walk like the heroes we thought we had to be
Buck ripped out his headphones. He sat down on a bus stop bench and burried his head into his hands. Bruce had said it best. Buck was totally, utterly, irrevocably in love with Eddie Diaz.
It wasn’t a realization, not really. On some level, Buck had known he was in love with Eddie before he even knew he was bisexual. He’d known he was in love with Eddie through Ali and Taylor and Natalia and Tommy and all his other exes. He’d loved Eddie when his heart was beating and when it wasn’t. It was like breathing, so he hadn’t needed to pick it apart, label it, signle it out. It was easy and natural and something he knew would be there for him every day. Until it wasn’t. His very straight best friend who was moving to Texas.
—
“You’re early”, Maddie said, opening the door. “Oh, guess what. I got Chim a record player as an early Christmas present, but I’ve been using it a little too much myself. We even went record shopping together, guess what I got–”
“Please no Bruce Springsteen.”
“Um, wasn’t planning on it.” Maddie thumbed through a stack of records. “Got this yesterday, Joni Mitchell’s Blue– did you know this was my favorite album when I was like sixteen? Haven’t listened to it in forever.”
“Do you think Bruce Springsteen was probably bisexual? You know, he used to make out with his saxophone player on stage, like every concert, even back in those days. Clarence Clemons, that was his name. And Bruce said that when Clarence died, losing him was like losing the rain .”
“Wait, how do you even know that?”
“Doesn’t matter– Wikipedia.”
“Okay please don’t tell me you came to see me at work, and then all the way here, just to tell me about Bruce Sprinsteen.”
“No. Here’s the thing. I’m in love with Eddie. And he’s moving to Texas.”
“Wait– Eddie is moving to Texas?” Maddie looked surprised.
“I’m sorry, you’re not surprised by the whole ‘I’m in love with Eddie’ thing?” Buck insisted.
“I have two ears and two eyes, Evan. And you’re not the subtlest person ever to live.”
“Shit”
“Well–”, Maddie started.
“Can you not say anything about any of this to Chimney?” Buck began pacing the living room. “He isn’t exactly the most discreet, and I promised Eddie the whole thing about him moving wouldn’t get back to the firehouse.”
“Why don’t I get us something to drink?”
Half a bottle of Chardonnay and an hour of Buck hopelessly spilling his guts later, Maddie cut in.
“Okay, before we panic, are we sure Eddie is actually moving to Texas?” She interrupted him, sipping her drink as Joni Mitchell’s All I Want played softly in the background so as not to wake Jee.
Buck thought to himself that Eddie had pretty much ruined music for him forever, because every damn song on this album seemed to be about the two of them.
“What do you mean Maddie? I saw the I-Pad, he was even trying to hide it. We talked about it. Eddie wouldn’t lie to me like that, not about this.”
“I’m not saying that. He’s obviously thinking about moving to Texas, but the problem isn’t Christopher being in Texas.”
“It's not?” Buck asked.
“The problem is Christopher not wanting to talk to his dad. He didn’t go to Texas cause of a love for humidity and rattlesnakes, Evan.” Maddie leaned forward, “He went to Texas because he was scared and confused and angry at Eddie. And it's up to Eddie to find a way to fix that. Maybe that is going to Texas, but not to move there. To talk to Chris and bring him home. Where he belongs.”
“And that's all I want, Maddie.” Buck felt his voice straining. “Deep down I’ve loved that man for years, and I’ve never admitted it to myself until now, because I knew I couldn’t have him. But it was okay. I was happy. Having him in my life, being with him every day, that was enough. And whatever void was left over, I filled with other people and other relationships, and I always wondered why those relationships never worked out. The whole time I’ve been in love with someone else. And it’ll be okay, I’ll find a way for it to be okay, as long as he and Chris are still in my life, one way or another.”
“Oh Evan”, Maddie sighed, “You deserve more than that.”
“It's been seven years Maddie. I don’t think this is something I can just turn off.”